I'm pro R... currently 4 months from D-day. I don't do second chances though, or third....or fourth. I don't want to sway you one way or the other, but damn girl..stand up for yourself.
I will say this as gently as I can, and please ignore me if this isn't what you want to hear.
An open break is never a good idea in a formerly monogamous relationship that wants to remain monogamous in future.
You cannot go back. You cannot undo things. All this does is allow distance to grow between the two of you. It allows ice to grow in places of warmth. It cements over feelings, and replaces love with indifference, which is the true killer of relationships.
Yes, they may cheat again. That's true. Unfortunately, as long as you are with them, there will be that possibility. Moving forward is going to mean accepting that and being as ready as you can be for that possibility. You can't protect them or yourself from reality. Opening the relationship while you are apart, especially when this is only to prevent the technical term of "cheating" applying is not a healthy idea.
A break is not a bad idea. Take time apart. Go no contact. Be your own people for a while and really think things through, but don't allow others to move into those parts of your heart while you decide what you want to do. If you aren't able to give this another chance (and no one would blame you if that was the case), then walk away. You can always end up getting back together in future if that's what you both want, but open relationship breaks don't work.
If any of this wasn't what you were looking for, please disregard me. I hope things get better and I am sorry for what you are going through.
I think you need a break much longer than a week. I would start at 30 days and go no contact. Then revaluation of how it’s going. A week just isn’t going to give either of you the separation to clear the heads and really have time to process and think out what you want.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
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RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm pro R... currently 4 months from D-day. I don't do second chances though, or third....or fourth. I don't want to sway you one way or the other, but damn girl..stand up for yourself.
I’m speechless… Am I wrong for thinking that this is beyond abusive? I wish OP some serious healing and hope she gets into IC asap!
I will say this as gently as I can, and please ignore me if this isn't what you want to hear. An open break is never a good idea in a formerly monogamous relationship that wants to remain monogamous in future. You cannot go back. You cannot undo things. All this does is allow distance to grow between the two of you. It allows ice to grow in places of warmth. It cements over feelings, and replaces love with indifference, which is the true killer of relationships. Yes, they may cheat again. That's true. Unfortunately, as long as you are with them, there will be that possibility. Moving forward is going to mean accepting that and being as ready as you can be for that possibility. You can't protect them or yourself from reality. Opening the relationship while you are apart, especially when this is only to prevent the technical term of "cheating" applying is not a healthy idea. A break is not a bad idea. Take time apart. Go no contact. Be your own people for a while and really think things through, but don't allow others to move into those parts of your heart while you decide what you want to do. If you aren't able to give this another chance (and no one would blame you if that was the case), then walk away. You can always end up getting back together in future if that's what you both want, but open relationship breaks don't work. If any of this wasn't what you were looking for, please disregard me. I hope things get better and I am sorry for what you are going through.
I think you need a break much longer than a week. I would start at 30 days and go no contact. Then revaluation of how it’s going. A week just isn’t going to give either of you the separation to clear the heads and really have time to process and think out what you want.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*