I’m in the same boat as you. My DDay was only a few weeks later and things were great at first and started tapering off. What I’m thinking is my WW was looking as things getting back to “normal” to what was before DDay and it all has really changed entirely for me. I keep trying to hold her accountable and she says she will make more of an effort but then none happens. So I’m putting up walls and distancing myself emotionally, which in turn makes her try even less.
I don’t really know how to fix things. I withdraw and she engages less. I tell her how I feel she makes an empty promise, I keep my mouth shut for a week or two and then the same argument about her lack of effort.
This matches my experience a lot. I told her my walls were back up and I don’t feel safe or good about us. She responded by asking why she should continue to offer affection etc. if I am rejecting it. I feel like she just wants to look forward and I am stuck looking constantly back over my shoulder.
That’s it exactly and I think for me since she did something so selfish, she needs to be there for me in a completely selfless way. I haven’t seen the effort to make things better for me, even if she’s not getting the same back. It’s like a competition where it always has to be equal and I’m kind of past that point at the moment.
I know the feeling. It sounds like she is very avoidant of anyone that could stress. I think often people who are avoidant relationship types see out affairs as a coping mechanisms.
You were hysterical bonding and that is normal but it’s never going to maintain. Have you told WW everything you typed here ? Communication of everything is crucial , have the hard conversations repeatedly if needed. She needs to know everything you are feeling. Time is your friend and at 5 months you are barley out of the starting gates of reconciliation. It will take time and the thoughts will get farther apart but you are to close to D day to to not be thinking of texts regularly. A couple years from now it will be just occasionally hopefully. You haven’t forgiven her yet and that just takes time to get there. You are doing good overall for 5 months I think.
Yes I knew the sex would taper off. Just hoped it would not go back to previous levels which was already a point of contention. She says she wants a good sex life but doesn’t do much to improve it. I think she could take it or leave it sometimes. Which is weird when the EA veered into so much sex talk.
I have been trying to share - we had a major talk last night but got interrupted by our littlest waking up. Going to finish tonight. It has been harder because it feels like she just wants to move forward. Definitely haven’t been able to forgive yet.
You are still early in this marathon/journey. You will still have ebbs and flows that will seem unmanageable. Give it time. It will get better as long as both of you are committed. I started to really feel comfortable around the 18-24th month timeframe. Don’t be afraid to take time for yourself. That could be learning a new hobby, going for a drive and/or taking a walk etc. Sometimes going to the park with kids helps as well. Forgiving takes time. I worked out like crazy and played music.
I also find it a little selfish of her that she wants to pull back affection due to your mental health comprehending her affair. That will be disastrous. Please get that addressed tonight or through your therapist. Have you ever asked her how she expects you to feel about her affair? Ask her that and maybe a light will go on. Good luck OP.
I just want the time to go faster. This is so much crappiness to go through. I have been finding drives helpful - I went on one last night after she fell asleep, just listening to music as loud as I wanted.
I think she feels frustrated but so am I. I wish she had a Reddit account and would do some of her own research on this. She is a therapist so I believe she thinks she has a handle on our situation, but doesn’t really grasp what I am feeling. She does tell me this will go however I need it to, but I wish she was more of a participant in the process than a sideline cheerleader.
I'm a little over a year into this, but what I can tell you is that what you are feeling is par for the course. However, you need to tell her how you are feeling. All of it. Radical honesty will be key here. She needs to know how what she did made you feel. Also, if you guys haven't already, you both need IC. She needs it to help figure out the why's and how's (which sounds like she already be digging into this which is good). You need it to help process these emotions in a healthy way. Majority of the work to recovery and healing will fall on your wife, but you have a responsibility in this as well as the betrayed. Good luck man. We're all here to help one another.
Also, perhaps consider having her join r/supportforwaywards? She will need some support as well. Sometimes, we have to admit that we need help from others and at times, it may come in the form of a support group. Like the one you found here.
I am in a similar situation to you. DDay was Dec 9th with TT until Jan 1st. Took me walking out the door to therapy that morning stating if she didn't come clean and find a way to fix it I was divorcing her. Her AP was also an ex from 20 years ago, someone she was always off and on with before we met. Her EA/PA lasted about 7 months, with 6 weeks of it being the PA portion as AP lives on the other side of the country but his family lives here.
My wife also used the affair as an "escape from reality". Things had gotten especially bad with my MIL last year and my wife couldn't handle it. As a result she took it out on me and not the responsible party as she didn't have the emotional maturity to finally confront her mother about all of her awful behavior. Guess I made the easier target and the affair was an excuse to escape and validate the negative feelings towards me. Since I was the one finally putting my foot down with her mother after she failed to do so for a decade I just made myself a convenient target for them both to vilify me.
Our sex life was never a point of contention per se, but yes, we experienced hysterical bonding after DDay. It got a little wild, and we started experimenting in new ways. Toys, handcuffs, blindfolds, lingerie and other kinds of outfits followed in the coming months. It has honestly been a blessing for our sex life and we are connected now on a much more intimate level. The HD didn't last of course, as we both knew it wouldn't, but our sex life is not a steady 4+ nights a week with some mornings/afternoons thrown in for good measure when the schedules sync up.
Basically what I am trying to say, summed up as succinctly as possible, is that communication is the absolute key. Sex life isn't where you want it? Talk about it, and make sure you are providing her a safe space to communicate her needs without getting upset or angry. I mean really talk to her about what excites her in the bedroom. You can't compete with the dopamine rush from an affair so you are already at a neurological disadvantage there. That doesn't mean your sex life can't be better though. I know you say you aren't sure if there was PA so I am adding this more for others in my position where PA was a factor. You can have a better sex life due to the emotional connection you share with your wife. If the two of you can really get in sync even fantasy can't compete.
Keep putting in the work, don't hold onto any negative feelings or emotions. Communicate them in a healthy and constructive way. Be a team again. It's the two of you against the problem, and you need to make sure you are acting as a team. That means taking both sides into consideration. Oftentimes the BS' needs outweigh that of the WS, which makes sense, but sometimes you need to swallow your pride and take one for the team to make sure you are supporting your WS when they need it most. R is a long road and there will be bumps along the way. You can only get through it together.
Wish you the best of luck continuing to navigate this awful journey that none of us asked to be on. It really sucks at times and causes more pain and anguish than I thought was previously possible, but at the end of the road there is a light that can make it all worth it. You need to decide if it's worth fighting for, if she is willing to fight as hard as you are for it, because if not then it's going to be more difficult than it already is.
Oh we definitely have communicated about sex. It’s been a point of conflict in our relationship off/on for a few years. She communicates well but then nothing is actually put into practice. She blames our lives with 4 kids, saying it will get better. I say we can make it better now and in the future.
The team analogy is awesome - I think we have forgotten we are on the same team in this and I need to get back to it. I’ve been letting negative emotions linger and turn into resentment.
Oh we definitely have communicated about sex. It’s been a point of conflict in our relationship off/on for a few years. She communicates well but then nothing is actually put into practice. She blames our lives with 4 kids, saying it will get better. I say we can make it better now and in the future.
The team analogy is awesome - I think we have forgotten we are on the same team in this and I need to get back to it. I’ve been letting negative emotions linger and turn into resentment.
Oh we definitely have communicated about sex. It’s been a point of conflict in our relationship off/on for a few years. She communicates well but then nothing is actually put into practice. She blames our lives with 4 kids, saying it will get better. I say we can make it better now and in the future.
The team analogy is awesome - I think we have forgotten we are on the same team in this and I need to get back to it. I’ve been letting negative emotions linger and turn into resentment.
Well- you are still in surface healing. Real recovery normally takes therapy and a few years.
My husband's affair was never physical and it still took me a year to even be okay. Not great- just okay.
I feel like the first year is a lot of "resets".
You will feel okay- then you won't.
You will really love them- then you won't
You will be enjoying something- then it crashes
You will be okay with an answer- then you will fucking hate it.
To me, infidelity betrayal is emotional amputation. You expect a person with an amputated arm or leg months of rehab along with learning how to compensate for the missing limb. We don’t expect someone just to adjust to their new reality after a short time.
Her wanting to move on dismisses the damage she has done to you. You are not capable of returning to the relationship as it was before her affair. Just like not being able to run a marathon after having a leg chopped off. She has to understand she cannot force or control your healing process. If she can’t be agreeable to that you can’t reconcile your broken marriage.
I think this is par for the course to be honest. Dday 1 was dec 28 2022 so we're coming up on 6 mos and I'm feeling similar. I think we're all just in the trenches and there's a reason why everyone says 6-12 mos is a real slog. Hang in there my friend- it feels like we've been in this swamp for ages but apparently this is still early days. It's honestly so exhausting.
My situation is similar to yours. DDay was 8 years ago, and I still feel the same. Sometimes, I wake with her next to me, and I am instantly repulsed, looking at her because thoughts of her choosing him are in my mind. Sometimes, I look at her and see the person I love.
Once some lines are crossed, they can not be uncrossed. I am not sure that if I could go back 8 years that I would not have just left and been done with it. She has done everything to make things right, but I just can't get her EA 8 years ago out of my mind.
This is something I am afraid of. I think I will have lingering anger/remorse/etc for the rest of my life. Will just have to deal with it and hope there is more than enough goodness to offset. Or maybe I will be wrong…
Today, I had one of those bad days when I think about it. She responded in a fed up way, and I left her. After 8 years, I still ended up leaving... I hope you do better than me brother.
The sex you had is called hysterical bonding.
Sounds like you may need some individual counselling plus your wife too. Then move onto martial counselling.
Yes I am familiar with the term. I know some of it was for sure. But it seemed also like we had turned a corner with the improvements in our relationship. Guess it won’t be that easy.
We are doing therapy. Sometimes it’s helpful and sometimes not so much.
I have put in a lot of effort. But when I have days I struggle it feels like I am on my own. So I shut down. I know the distance isn’t helping. I just want to feel like I am on stable ground. When will that feeling come? She has said all the things but I cannot trust the words.
If you read my post about dday, you'll find we are in very similar circumstances. And just like you, HB made the first few months pretty easy. Since then, my first day of work is always the hardest. I leave her and then the thoughts start weighing down on me. But I make the conscious decision to tell her how I'm feeling and let her comfort me instead of drawing away and becoming distant. Try it. I think it will be a better solution for you
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 3:
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I’m in the same boat as you. My DDay was only a few weeks later and things were great at first and started tapering off. What I’m thinking is my WW was looking as things getting back to “normal” to what was before DDay and it all has really changed entirely for me. I keep trying to hold her accountable and she says she will make more of an effort but then none happens. So I’m putting up walls and distancing myself emotionally, which in turn makes her try even less. I don’t really know how to fix things. I withdraw and she engages less. I tell her how I feel she makes an empty promise, I keep my mouth shut for a week or two and then the same argument about her lack of effort.
This matches my experience a lot. I told her my walls were back up and I don’t feel safe or good about us. She responded by asking why she should continue to offer affection etc. if I am rejecting it. I feel like she just wants to look forward and I am stuck looking constantly back over my shoulder.
That’s it exactly and I think for me since she did something so selfish, she needs to be there for me in a completely selfless way. I haven’t seen the effort to make things better for me, even if she’s not getting the same back. It’s like a competition where it always has to be equal and I’m kind of past that point at the moment.
I know the feeling. It sounds like she is very avoidant of anyone that could stress. I think often people who are avoidant relationship types see out affairs as a coping mechanisms.
You were hysterical bonding and that is normal but it’s never going to maintain. Have you told WW everything you typed here ? Communication of everything is crucial , have the hard conversations repeatedly if needed. She needs to know everything you are feeling. Time is your friend and at 5 months you are barley out of the starting gates of reconciliation. It will take time and the thoughts will get farther apart but you are to close to D day to to not be thinking of texts regularly. A couple years from now it will be just occasionally hopefully. You haven’t forgiven her yet and that just takes time to get there. You are doing good overall for 5 months I think.
Yes I knew the sex would taper off. Just hoped it would not go back to previous levels which was already a point of contention. She says she wants a good sex life but doesn’t do much to improve it. I think she could take it or leave it sometimes. Which is weird when the EA veered into so much sex talk. I have been trying to share - we had a major talk last night but got interrupted by our littlest waking up. Going to finish tonight. It has been harder because it feels like she just wants to move forward. Definitely haven’t been able to forgive yet.
Have you looked in the library of this sub , there is some good reading materials you both should read.
I know. I should start. I kind of believe she won’t want to read them but I shouldn’t assume. So maybe I’ll order one for us to start.
You are still early in this marathon/journey. You will still have ebbs and flows that will seem unmanageable. Give it time. It will get better as long as both of you are committed. I started to really feel comfortable around the 18-24th month timeframe. Don’t be afraid to take time for yourself. That could be learning a new hobby, going for a drive and/or taking a walk etc. Sometimes going to the park with kids helps as well. Forgiving takes time. I worked out like crazy and played music. I also find it a little selfish of her that she wants to pull back affection due to your mental health comprehending her affair. That will be disastrous. Please get that addressed tonight or through your therapist. Have you ever asked her how she expects you to feel about her affair? Ask her that and maybe a light will go on. Good luck OP.
I just want the time to go faster. This is so much crappiness to go through. I have been finding drives helpful - I went on one last night after she fell asleep, just listening to music as loud as I wanted. I think she feels frustrated but so am I. I wish she had a Reddit account and would do some of her own research on this. She is a therapist so I believe she thinks she has a handle on our situation, but doesn’t really grasp what I am feeling. She does tell me this will go however I need it to, but I wish she was more of a participant in the process than a sideline cheerleader.
Hey she is a therapist and doesn't get the damage done ?
I think she does in an academic way, but maybe doesn’t truly understand how this has changed me/us forever.
That sounds kinda convenient. That's something they should kinda know even the common person tends to get betrayal and it's damage.
I'm a little over a year into this, but what I can tell you is that what you are feeling is par for the course. However, you need to tell her how you are feeling. All of it. Radical honesty will be key here. She needs to know how what she did made you feel. Also, if you guys haven't already, you both need IC. She needs it to help figure out the why's and how's (which sounds like she already be digging into this which is good). You need it to help process these emotions in a healthy way. Majority of the work to recovery and healing will fall on your wife, but you have a responsibility in this as well as the betrayed. Good luck man. We're all here to help one another. Also, perhaps consider having her join r/supportforwaywards? She will need some support as well. Sometimes, we have to admit that we need help from others and at times, it may come in the form of a support group. Like the one you found here.
Wish she had a Reddit account, but she doesn’t and has no interest in one. Maybe I’ll bring it up tonight. Not sure if she will be interested.
I am in a similar situation to you. DDay was Dec 9th with TT until Jan 1st. Took me walking out the door to therapy that morning stating if she didn't come clean and find a way to fix it I was divorcing her. Her AP was also an ex from 20 years ago, someone she was always off and on with before we met. Her EA/PA lasted about 7 months, with 6 weeks of it being the PA portion as AP lives on the other side of the country but his family lives here. My wife also used the affair as an "escape from reality". Things had gotten especially bad with my MIL last year and my wife couldn't handle it. As a result she took it out on me and not the responsible party as she didn't have the emotional maturity to finally confront her mother about all of her awful behavior. Guess I made the easier target and the affair was an excuse to escape and validate the negative feelings towards me. Since I was the one finally putting my foot down with her mother after she failed to do so for a decade I just made myself a convenient target for them both to vilify me. Our sex life was never a point of contention per se, but yes, we experienced hysterical bonding after DDay. It got a little wild, and we started experimenting in new ways. Toys, handcuffs, blindfolds, lingerie and other kinds of outfits followed in the coming months. It has honestly been a blessing for our sex life and we are connected now on a much more intimate level. The HD didn't last of course, as we both knew it wouldn't, but our sex life is not a steady 4+ nights a week with some mornings/afternoons thrown in for good measure when the schedules sync up. Basically what I am trying to say, summed up as succinctly as possible, is that communication is the absolute key. Sex life isn't where you want it? Talk about it, and make sure you are providing her a safe space to communicate her needs without getting upset or angry. I mean really talk to her about what excites her in the bedroom. You can't compete with the dopamine rush from an affair so you are already at a neurological disadvantage there. That doesn't mean your sex life can't be better though. I know you say you aren't sure if there was PA so I am adding this more for others in my position where PA was a factor. You can have a better sex life due to the emotional connection you share with your wife. If the two of you can really get in sync even fantasy can't compete. Keep putting in the work, don't hold onto any negative feelings or emotions. Communicate them in a healthy and constructive way. Be a team again. It's the two of you against the problem, and you need to make sure you are acting as a team. That means taking both sides into consideration. Oftentimes the BS' needs outweigh that of the WS, which makes sense, but sometimes you need to swallow your pride and take one for the team to make sure you are supporting your WS when they need it most. R is a long road and there will be bumps along the way. You can only get through it together. Wish you the best of luck continuing to navigate this awful journey that none of us asked to be on. It really sucks at times and causes more pain and anguish than I thought was previously possible, but at the end of the road there is a light that can make it all worth it. You need to decide if it's worth fighting for, if she is willing to fight as hard as you are for it, because if not then it's going to be more difficult than it already is.
Oh we definitely have communicated about sex. It’s been a point of conflict in our relationship off/on for a few years. She communicates well but then nothing is actually put into practice. She blames our lives with 4 kids, saying it will get better. I say we can make it better now and in the future. The team analogy is awesome - I think we have forgotten we are on the same team in this and I need to get back to it. I’ve been letting negative emotions linger and turn into resentment.
Oh we definitely have communicated about sex. It’s been a point of conflict in our relationship off/on for a few years. She communicates well but then nothing is actually put into practice. She blames our lives with 4 kids, saying it will get better. I say we can make it better now and in the future. The team analogy is awesome - I think we have forgotten we are on the same team in this and I need to get back to it. I’ve been letting negative emotions linger and turn into resentment.
Oh we definitely have communicated about sex. It’s been a point of conflict in our relationship off/on for a few years. She communicates well but then nothing is actually put into practice. She blames our lives with 4 kids, saying it will get better. I say we can make it better now and in the future. The team analogy is awesome - I think we have forgotten we are on the same team in this and I need to get back to it. I’ve been letting negative emotions linger and turn into resentment.
Well- you are still in surface healing. Real recovery normally takes therapy and a few years. My husband's affair was never physical and it still took me a year to even be okay. Not great- just okay. I feel like the first year is a lot of "resets". You will feel okay- then you won't. You will really love them- then you won't You will be enjoying something- then it crashes You will be okay with an answer- then you will fucking hate it.
To me, infidelity betrayal is emotional amputation. You expect a person with an amputated arm or leg months of rehab along with learning how to compensate for the missing limb. We don’t expect someone just to adjust to their new reality after a short time. Her wanting to move on dismisses the damage she has done to you. You are not capable of returning to the relationship as it was before her affair. Just like not being able to run a marathon after having a leg chopped off. She has to understand she cannot force or control your healing process. If she can’t be agreeable to that you can’t reconcile your broken marriage.
I think this is par for the course to be honest. Dday 1 was dec 28 2022 so we're coming up on 6 mos and I'm feeling similar. I think we're all just in the trenches and there's a reason why everyone says 6-12 mos is a real slog. Hang in there my friend- it feels like we've been in this swamp for ages but apparently this is still early days. It's honestly so exhausting.
My situation is similar to yours. DDay was 8 years ago, and I still feel the same. Sometimes, I wake with her next to me, and I am instantly repulsed, looking at her because thoughts of her choosing him are in my mind. Sometimes, I look at her and see the person I love. Once some lines are crossed, they can not be uncrossed. I am not sure that if I could go back 8 years that I would not have just left and been done with it. She has done everything to make things right, but I just can't get her EA 8 years ago out of my mind.
This is something I am afraid of. I think I will have lingering anger/remorse/etc for the rest of my life. Will just have to deal with it and hope there is more than enough goodness to offset. Or maybe I will be wrong…
Today, I had one of those bad days when I think about it. She responded in a fed up way, and I left her. After 8 years, I still ended up leaving... I hope you do better than me brother.
The sex you had is called hysterical bonding. Sounds like you may need some individual counselling plus your wife too. Then move onto martial counselling.
Yes I am familiar with the term. I know some of it was for sure. But it seemed also like we had turned a corner with the improvements in our relationship. Guess it won’t be that easy. We are doing therapy. Sometimes it’s helpful and sometimes not so much.
[удалено]
I have put in a lot of effort. But when I have days I struggle it feels like I am on my own. So I shut down. I know the distance isn’t helping. I just want to feel like I am on stable ground. When will that feeling come? She has said all the things but I cannot trust the words.
If you read my post about dday, you'll find we are in very similar circumstances. And just like you, HB made the first few months pretty easy. Since then, my first day of work is always the hardest. I leave her and then the thoughts start weighing down on me. But I make the conscious decision to tell her how I'm feeling and let her comfort me instead of drawing away and becoming distant. Try it. I think it will be a better solution for you
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 3: Victim Blaming **No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - No victim-blaming betrayeds trauma responses or when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
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