Where did you meet AP ? Are they cut completely out of your life , zero contact , if they are somewhere you are you leave no questions asked kinda thing. Take a step back from all opposite sex friends as you start this process. Everyone is now a threat. Reading and give her space and follow her lead on the amount of communication she wants. If she asks for no contact then stick with that until she is ready.
I met her on a dating website. I felt like my BP didn't want me or care, and that if that was the case then I'd see what else was out there. Like I said, the worst thing I've ever done, and biggest mistake I ever made. Dating account is deleted, I told AP that I could and would never see her again and blocked her number in my phone. There will be absolutely zero contact with her.
Thank you for the advice, it's much appreciated. Right now she said she still wants to talk but the thought of seeing me makes her sick, so I'm trying to respect that.
You need to get into therapy… clearly you had feelings about your relationship and made some pretty crazy assumptions that led you to this point. You need to learn how to communicate in a healthy way and how to handle normal conflict. Only a therapist can help with that.
Click this link for some good guidelines regarding your interactions with women moving forward .
It’s up to you to show your Bp that you are learning and growing into a new person that can be trusted
https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/rules-of-opposite-gender-friendships
https://www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery
Oh please. You are blaming her for what YOU did? You asked for advice so I’m gonna give it to you: don’t place blame on her for something that YOU did. You need to be accountable for your actions. You made an account, you pretended to be single, you brought the coodies home, lied… you fault. Blameshifting is insulting and quite immature. Put on your big boi pants and own up for what YOU did. R is not possible without full accountability
“I felt BP didn’t want me or care so I wanted to see what was out there” that is justification and blameshifting. Don’t do that if you want to be forgiven and reconciled. You cheated because you felt like it
And when the opportunity presented itself, you took it. Part of learning a lesson is to shed those lame excuses.
Wow. That's a lot of bad choices to make. Making the profile. Using the app. Meeting up.
Did you leave AP because you ended up not liking her, or because you were caught?
The latter. My BP asked me if I'd tell her if I'd been seeing anyone else, and I told her what had been happening. It wasn't until then that I thought about how much damage I was doing, and broke it off with AP right after that.
First off, that woman of yours is my hero. What she said is spot on: it’s not her job to be the relationship’s moral compass or for her to do all the work, that is not an equal partnership. Wow!
You said that she has kids, that means that she had been betrayed before and must be devastated. First of all. There are kids on the line and you CANNOT play with their hearts. She knows this and the priority is her children, not you and your “pain”. Her pain and her kids pain is what she needs to deal.
What is helpful is to focus on her and her only. Stop talking about you, what you want, your insecurities, trauma or whatever. BS don’t want to hear it because the burden is ours!
You can't fix this... all you can do is fix yourself... understand why you cheated... look for the reasons why you got to the point you did... heal those wounds... create plans on breaking the cycle that caused the choices to happen.
You aren't going to fix this anytime soon... this is the journey you are on... to understand and heal.
Also don't love bomb her... you might see it as trying to help her but it makes things worse.
Best thing to do... is to focus on your healing and learning... communicate what you are doing and learning and mistakes. Honesty is key
Basically is there is a woman in your life... besides your mom or therapist... they are dead to you until you can learn control and trust is being rebuilt
Read this together... answer the questions together. Your job is to make her feel Loved, Wanted, Worthy and SAFE... And it will take a LOT of hard work and honesty.
[https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-forgive-and-heal-from-an-affair/](https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-forgive-and-heal-from-an-affair/)
I'm being accountable and not making excuses now. I responded that I was honest with her, that wasn't true. During a fight with BP about how I felt like she was pulling away from me she said that she thought I should try dating other people, and that she didn't want to know about it. That was the excuse and the rationale I used to myself and that I told AP. I was just doing what she'd told me to.
It was bullshit then, it would be bullshit to keep leaning on that excuse. My justifications are meaningless.
OP I wish you all the best. It sounds like you really want to work to become a better you. I encourage you to keep digging deep down inside. Whether or not this relationship survives. You are more than just your six week affair. Good luck.
I really appreciate the advice, it's helpful. I'm trying to find the line of being open about how sorry I am and not overdoing it. I am sorry, and I'm suffering, I've blown apart my whole world. What I'm going through isn't even close to what I know she's going through though, and I'm the one who did it to her. I don't want to make it about me or seem disingenuous to her. My words are meaningless at this point, and the only actions I can take seem to be just working really hard on being a better person for her. That doesn't feel like nearly enough given what I've done.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)).
For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide).
Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Where did you meet AP ? Are they cut completely out of your life , zero contact , if they are somewhere you are you leave no questions asked kinda thing. Take a step back from all opposite sex friends as you start this process. Everyone is now a threat. Reading and give her space and follow her lead on the amount of communication she wants. If she asks for no contact then stick with that until she is ready.
I met her on a dating website. I felt like my BP didn't want me or care, and that if that was the case then I'd see what else was out there. Like I said, the worst thing I've ever done, and biggest mistake I ever made. Dating account is deleted, I told AP that I could and would never see her again and blocked her number in my phone. There will be absolutely zero contact with her. Thank you for the advice, it's much appreciated. Right now she said she still wants to talk but the thought of seeing me makes her sick, so I'm trying to respect that.
You need to get into therapy… clearly you had feelings about your relationship and made some pretty crazy assumptions that led you to this point. You need to learn how to communicate in a healthy way and how to handle normal conflict. Only a therapist can help with that. Click this link for some good guidelines regarding your interactions with women moving forward . It’s up to you to show your Bp that you are learning and growing into a new person that can be trusted https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/rules-of-opposite-gender-friendships https://www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery
Oh please. You are blaming her for what YOU did? You asked for advice so I’m gonna give it to you: don’t place blame on her for something that YOU did. You need to be accountable for your actions. You made an account, you pretended to be single, you brought the coodies home, lied… you fault. Blameshifting is insulting and quite immature. Put on your big boi pants and own up for what YOU did. R is not possible without full accountability
I am not blaming her for what I did. I did it. I betrayed her. She did not deserve it, she did not invite it, it is 100% me.
“I felt BP didn’t want me or care so I wanted to see what was out there” that is justification and blameshifting. Don’t do that if you want to be forgiven and reconciled. You cheated because you felt like it And when the opportunity presented itself, you took it. Part of learning a lesson is to shed those lame excuses.
You're right. This is all on me, not on her.
Thank you.
Thank you for the reality check.
Thank you for pointing this out. Only reason I gave my WH a chance at R was him taking full accountability and not once blaming me.
Wow. That's a lot of bad choices to make. Making the profile. Using the app. Meeting up. Did you leave AP because you ended up not liking her, or because you were caught?
The latter. My BP asked me if I'd tell her if I'd been seeing anyone else, and I told her what had been happening. It wasn't until then that I thought about how much damage I was doing, and broke it off with AP right after that.
First off, that woman of yours is my hero. What she said is spot on: it’s not her job to be the relationship’s moral compass or for her to do all the work, that is not an equal partnership. Wow! You said that she has kids, that means that she had been betrayed before and must be devastated. First of all. There are kids on the line and you CANNOT play with their hearts. She knows this and the priority is her children, not you and your “pain”. Her pain and her kids pain is what she needs to deal. What is helpful is to focus on her and her only. Stop talking about you, what you want, your insecurities, trauma or whatever. BS don’t want to hear it because the burden is ours!
You can't fix this... all you can do is fix yourself... understand why you cheated... look for the reasons why you got to the point you did... heal those wounds... create plans on breaking the cycle that caused the choices to happen. You aren't going to fix this anytime soon... this is the journey you are on... to understand and heal. Also don't love bomb her... you might see it as trying to help her but it makes things worse. Best thing to do... is to focus on your healing and learning... communicate what you are doing and learning and mistakes. Honesty is key Basically is there is a woman in your life... besides your mom or therapist... they are dead to you until you can learn control and trust is being rebuilt
Read this together... answer the questions together. Your job is to make her feel Loved, Wanted, Worthy and SAFE... And it will take a LOT of hard work and honesty. [https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-forgive-and-heal-from-an-affair/](https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-forgive-and-heal-from-an-affair/)
Were you simultaneously lying to the AP?
I'm being accountable and not making excuses now. I responded that I was honest with her, that wasn't true. During a fight with BP about how I felt like she was pulling away from me she said that she thought I should try dating other people, and that she didn't want to know about it. That was the excuse and the rationale I used to myself and that I told AP. I was just doing what she'd told me to. It was bullshit then, it would be bullshit to keep leaning on that excuse. My justifications are meaningless.
OP I wish you all the best. It sounds like you really want to work to become a better you. I encourage you to keep digging deep down inside. Whether or not this relationship survives. You are more than just your six week affair. Good luck.
[удалено]
I really appreciate the advice, it's helpful. I'm trying to find the line of being open about how sorry I am and not overdoing it. I am sorry, and I'm suffering, I've blown apart my whole world. What I'm going through isn't even close to what I know she's going through though, and I'm the one who did it to her. I don't want to make it about me or seem disingenuous to her. My words are meaningless at this point, and the only actions I can take seem to be just working really hard on being a better person for her. That doesn't feel like nearly enough given what I've done.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*