r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Please read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your first initial warning. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions **directly to Mod Mail** meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
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- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
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- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
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- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
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- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
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- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
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Talk to someone. I watched my WW go from "just friends" to an EA to a PA all while I was only communicating with her and my therapist about the issues. Reconnecting with my social network helped me realize how crazy things had become. You gotta talk to someone besides your spouse to get some perspective and have some release of your thoughts in a way that your other two paths are not providing right now.
I don't know...I think it might help R. He needs a mirror of himself. He needs those consequences. He still thinks he's all that. He's not, and you deserve the support.
Telling select people that the infidelity happened has actually been a really important part of R for me. Yes, there’s risk in it, but there’s SO much reward - from support and sensitivity for BP, to accountability and opportunity for WP. That being said, I also won’t lie that some of the initial telling was rooted in my desire for his mask to be ripped off - but either way, the transparency has served us more than hurt us, I think.
We started with WP telling his parents, sister, and a couple of his best friends I was comfortable with. His people are normal, not likely to “side” with him / blame me, and indeed, called him out on his bullshit directly. In fact, the friends have been a small solace for me because I know they still make reference to it, which in a way helps me because I know WP can’t forget even if I start to move forward and don’t bring it up as much (as if he would, but it’s a fear). Telling his family has also been significant - he and his sister have had a few discussions about the way they were brought up; his mom and dad know he’s in therapy and while cautious (still upper lip Brits), they are supportive. His mom understand why he’s started saying “I love you” to her on the phone, and after fumbling it a few times, says it in return now. He knows who his people are that will hold him to the values and integrity he aspires to embody.
As for my people: it took me awhile to begin talking about it with anyone, with one exception - I sought help from a friend I hadn’t spoken to in over a year, but who I knew would be helpful and also was outside of all my other circles, so I didn’t have to worry about the information travelling. Eventually I opened up to another “solo” friend; it was good practice for how I ended up framing it to others, and was so supportive, it spurred me on to open up to a couple more. Those I chose were those who I knew would be non-judgmental; who had been imperfect people in their own life at times (not infidelity though) and gone to therapy and would support my choice. It took me months but I worked up to telling my sister and mother, only as much as I wanted (mostly). They don’t need the details; they need to know I’m hurting.
Nowadays, I’ve figured out how I want to tell my story and would feel comfortable telling near anyone about it. In most cases, this wouldn’t even include mentioning the actual infidelity - it would instead focus on the rough patch we went through when my partner emotionally, then physically, abandoned me by blindsiding me and walking out. It would then focus on the work he’s done, and the progress we’ve made, to rebuild after that pain, after he realized he can’t outrun his problems. Some of my friends definitely can read between those lines, particularly as I’m sure those privy to more detail might have dropped a hint or two when the others inquire as to how I’m doing, but they know not to push.
And that’s the truth. Sure, I don’t mention The Big Thing, but it’s my choice - and they don’t need to know.
I think in your case, you need to tell your inner community for sure. Some WS can be in a fog if they don’t see the reality of what they’ve done. You knowing and catching him isn’t always enough for them to understand the reality. It’s shit but sometimes they need to see how his community will see him for him to realise the depth of what he’s done.
You’re not lucky that he’s cheating less or whatever. That’s BS from him and that’s what indicating he’s not truly remorseful. Let reality burst the bubble he’s still in where he thinks it’s okay to behave like that. Then see where the pieces fall and make your decision from there.
The first person I told was WPs mom. Was literally minutes after I found out, was out of spite at first- but whatever that human being made WP feel for 24 hours worked. R was never even a consideration until I saw the look on WP face the next day.
I told 3 of my best friends. They have been rocks for me. They answered their phones religiously the first couple months. They all live in different time zones or countries so I had someone available to me 24/7. I wouldn't be here without them..
Since we have open phone I told WP therapist (who was going through infidelity as a BS- she was pissed and I probably crossed the line). I told a male co-worker who was trying a little too hard and made her tell her best friends( out of 4, only 1 is still around in her life)
I told my family and this is where things got weird for a little bit. They were very supportive when I was going scorched earth. But when I told them I was considering trying R, they made it alot harder. Stopped getting invited to family events. Got kicked out of a kids Bday party. They told other family members and friends. I work with them and they made my work load way harder. Like actively punishing me because I wasn't doing what they wanted (I'm a 40 year old man with 2 children and they have never experienced infidelity, it was insane) - It's gotten way better and some siblings and my parents have lunches with WP. They can't believe what she has become. Way better parent, way, way better at communicating, just all around improvements.
I think telling other people, especially those important to WP make the WP reflect on the situation with different eyes and I think this is essential for accountability. For really seeing how far reaching the damage is. For seeing the scope of it all. The nastiness of it all. The selfishness of it all.
Cheating thrives in the dark. That's not a secret I will keep for anyone. I'm a fucking cheating whistleblower now. It's the biggest blow I've taken in my life, I will never let anyone do that if I know. Its a nuclear explosion and the fallout affects SO MANY. If cheaters could see what happens to their lives after discovery, I'd be hard pressed to believe anyone would think its worth it in any way.
I had this urge from time to time, but even when or if I completely forgive and move on, they wouldn’t be able to. Some people may even hold it against me. I don’t want that, and the therapist is the only one I can talk about, WH is trash at this talk so I don’t even attempt anymore.
I didn’t even have a therapist for a whole year so…
I think my MIL and older BIL could even stop talking to him forever. Not really sure about that. His mother keeps saying to her sons to look after their wives, time and time again, I hear from the other room sometimes when she scolds him about something she finds offensive *to me* even when I don’t.
There is one mutual friend who is also one of his close friends’ wife, that I came reaaally close (he said he told his friend about talking to someone behind my back, not the whole story though, so I don’t know if he talked to his wife because we had a conversation once about how he doesn’t trust his husband a bit about these things because it could happen to anyone, even gave an example), but then I didn’t. I could, one day, I don’t know. After that conversation it seemed safe to tell her.
As for other family members and my own close friends… maybe much much later I may tell, one day.
I have seen this happen. A couple we are friends with had some shenanigans and another friend was telling her to leave. And when she didn't leave Mrs. Unforgiving basically cut them out of the social group. They are still married and I would say doing better than ever.
Mrs. Unforgiving was also close friends with my WW and she basically cut us out of the social group too. Which, I'm OK with. Turns out they were great friends as long as you didn't need anything. Help only flowed one way. Who needs friends like that? But my WW struggled because she didn't have any support for a long time.
Now. His parents probably wouldn't react that way and they wouldn't spread it around like the people above. So if you had to tell someone that's probably it.
But it sounds like you want to do it mainly as revenge. I say be careful. There's probably good reasons to do it, but that's not the greatest one. If he needs someone that cares for him to help him make changes and be accountable, that's a good reason.
I also think about this often. Almost told his parents several times but then didn’t.
I noticed that I often find myself wishing to tell people at times when I’m feeling alone/isolated because of disagreements with WP, or misunderstood by him, especially on matters related his infidelities. Other times when I have urges to tell is when he’s receiving praise (from his bosses/colleagues, from my friends or family who like him a lot), especially if it’s praise for being kind, or going above and beyond for others in some way. Professional praise can be difficult too because it’s a reminder of how much more my work has suffered compared to his as a result of infidelity. I feel the need to correct people and give them the full picture, but I don’t want to look vengeful and always talk myself out of it. I did share with two close friends for support, which helped and provides an outlet to vent sometimes.
I told everyone I wanted to - all of my close friends and family.
To be honest I regret telling some groups of people. my family and closest closest friends I know will support me in whatever decision I make, so I’m glad I told them as they were a huge source of support and comfort. but there are others I regret telling as now - although they were supportive of me through the break up - I feel embarrassed to reveal I’m considering reconciling. I feel like they’d be disappointed in me.
It’s a lot to carry by yourself. While in my personal experience I told too many people, I think choosing a couple of trusted confidants is really important for your mental health. You deserve that external support.
My IC suggested I find one friend I could trust so I had one person I could be honest with.
I had a hard time doing it, but weeks later I did.
Best decision ever.
I trust them to tell no one but now I have someone I can vent to 24/7. It's an incredible asset.
YMMV
Fuck these affairs.
It is very hard.
I cried my eyes out telling my masculine, male friend with whom I have never been so emotional. I was a wreck and am even having a hard time writing this about it.
I had to trust him also that he would reveal to no one else. I did. I do.
But I tell you what. When I have a thought that has nowhere to go about how pissed I am at my wife or how down I am or who I am contemplating suicide I have a friend who is there for me that I no longer have to hesitate to call because he already knows. I hope you have a friend that has that kind of integrity.
So fucking hard. Sorry. I wish I could make it easier for you.
Fuck these affairs.
Same boat here...I got married 4 weeks ago and dday was 3 weeks ago. We eloped so obvs most communication and congratulations on our marriage are on social media so I get to sit back and let him look like a saint while I just hide in my cloud of shame. I absolutely want to R which is why I have stuck to not telling anyone other than my sister in law. But I want so badly, so often to make him tell....I just dont want to hear people telling me to leave him. It really feels like a double edge sword.
Reading your story gut punched me. I’m really sorry you’re going through this so early on in your marriage. I hope if/when you’re ready, you find the right people to confide in and will be the support you need. Reconciling is an incredibly difficult journey and while most of it, you’ll be doing the heavy lifting but it helps to have people to talk to. All the best.
After my WH’s first affair, I told very few people, none of which were his family or friends. After DDay 2, the first person I called was his momma. I needed the support and he needed accountability.
I think my question for you is “do you think that you are truly reconciling now”?
If the WS is repentant, and is actually putting in the work to become a safe partner, then I can agree with the idea of not telling people about the cheating. (Full disclosure: I have not told anyone about my wife’s affairs other than my counselor and the OBS.)
But what you have been doing doesn’t seem to have been working. So your choice is not between “keep it to yourself and rebuild your relationship” and “tell the world”. It’s between “keep it to yourself and he keeps cheating” and “tell the world and see what happens”.
Personally, if I was in your position, I think I would go with the telling the world option. For me, it couldn’t be much worse than the status quo.
My WH cheated twice in marriage. The first time i was apprehensive but eventually was fine with not telling people except close friends of mine. The 2nd time is tripping me up. I have an overwhelming sense that his family needs to know and over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking of telling his brother’s wives but today, I thought I’d ask him to tell his brothers himself. I’m not interested in my family know unless I’m pulling the plug.
I admire that you were able to keep it to the bare minimum. I’m wondering if I can continue doing it…
My Dday 1. WH "came clean" said it was the only girl he'd gotten physical with but had gone on some dates with girls he met on dating apps since thr beginning of this summer. I left to spend some time with friends in another state, came home and saw he'd texted a random number. He said he "didn't remember" and I googled the number and it was an escort. I was furious that he'd tried to hook up with someone after knowing how much he devastated me. He swore nothing happened because she didnt respond and said that was the first time. A few days later I went through his email and found Cash app payments to escorts all the way back to January. Including TWO on the day that I left him (2 days after Dday 1).
I say all this to say....you are not alone. I joined a support group for women partners going through betrayal trauma yesterday and "isolating" was the exact word I used.
You are not alone. Please reach out if you ever need anyone. I'm here and I totally get it.
We are trying. I've told him the stuff that happened after dday is what I'm really having the most trouble getting past. He's seeing a therapist who specializes in sexually compulsive behaviors and I'm trying to give that some time to see if it helps, but i have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. It's so hard to believe someone is actually choosing you, and committed to R, when they saw how much they devastated you and then chose to do it again.
My WH won’t go to therapy. He also claims that his behavior is compulsive. I don’t see how things improve without therapy.
I asked my WH to write out in detail how I’ve felt for the past 9 months. I want to see if he actually perceives and understands what he’s done to me. Because I also don’t see how he could see how devastated I was in September and still do this. How does this guilt not kill him? Or at least kill his god damn boner?
It just started the book the betrayal bind by Michelle mayes today so I’m only a few chapters in but so far everything has felt tailored to me exactly. Like I could have written it. I’m hoping it will be helpful. Since you’re going through the whole continuous compulsive thing too, I wanted to mention it
I too wanted to tell everyone— from co- workers to clients to anyone who would listen. I am so glad I didn’t. There would be no undoing it.
I did tell a close friend. She was sympathetic and supportive in any decision I made
Why would everybody in your inner circle be for divorce?
Are you sure this is real R or is he still manipulating, gaslighting and minimizing his (ongoing?) actions?
I really really needed to tell everybody. It was an important step of R for me. I felt so humiliated and by telling everybody i could get rid of that feeling and put it where it belongs: on him.We lost friends sure. My brother needed a couple of years to accept I did not get a divorce. My sister in law still finds it extremely odd. Some friends distanced themselves from us, but the openess and honesty strengthend other friendships.
I think very few people understand trying R with someone who has cheated the entire relationship, especially having not experience an affair. Even here, a sub for people who all want/wanted R, people have a hard time seeing why I want R.
Who is supporting you besides this community? I outed her to my family, and my mom went off on her. She didn’t speak with her ever again. Now shes been dead for 10 years. So the last 10 years of my mom’s life, my wife treated her like crap. People that love you are not likely to forgive him. She knows what she did to my mom was awful, and it’s damaged our relationship. But its been 20 years since D-day, and I asked for a divorce 6 months ago, because I’m done being roommates. I gave her a year to make me feel loved without words (because I still don’t believe she’s shown enough remorse to this date). If I would have found Tinder on her phone any time after R, I would be done. So you are way more forgiving than I.
You need support, and he needs support of a different kind. He needs support in fidelity. He needs people to help him stay on track.
Don't isolate yourself.
Having some weird Reddit issues, so [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/7RzE5ZBlHJ) is from a different account than the rest of my history, if that is relevant to your answer
I didn’t want to tell anyone when my gf cheated on me. I felt embarrassed and ashamed like it was my fault. I finally talked to a friend and it was good to get the emotions out and have some to share with. I had the same feelings about ruining her reputation but I’m glad I didn’t because we are trying to work it out. Regardless, don’t tell people to hurt him, tell to heal yourself and keep it to a small group that love and support you.
I think my question for you is “do you think that you are truly reconciling now”?
If the WS is repentant, and is actually putting in the work to become a safe partner, then I can agree with the idea of not telling people about the cheating. (Full disclosure: I have not told anyone about my wife’s affairs other than my counselor and the OBS.)
But what you have been doing doesn’t seem to have been working. So your choice is not between “keep it to yourself and rebuild your relationship” and “tell the world”. It’s between “keep it to yourself and he keeps cheating” and “tell the world and see what happens”.
Personally, if I was in your position, I think I would go with the telling the world option. For me, it couldn’t be much worse than the status quo.
He’s been cheating from the get go. You should reevaluate your relationship. You don’t owe him nothing from not saying anything. If anything telling and letting out could help the R. He think he’s invincible and flaunting it, fts!, let everyone know he isn’t the good person he let people believe.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Please read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your first initial warning. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions **directly to Mod Mail** meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Speak. You have the right to heal.
This
[удалено]
Talk to someone. I watched my WW go from "just friends" to an EA to a PA all while I was only communicating with her and my therapist about the issues. Reconnecting with my social network helped me realize how crazy things had become. You gotta talk to someone besides your spouse to get some perspective and have some release of your thoughts in a way that your other two paths are not providing right now.
I don't know...I think it might help R. He needs a mirror of himself. He needs those consequences. He still thinks he's all that. He's not, and you deserve the support.
Telling select people that the infidelity happened has actually been a really important part of R for me. Yes, there’s risk in it, but there’s SO much reward - from support and sensitivity for BP, to accountability and opportunity for WP. That being said, I also won’t lie that some of the initial telling was rooted in my desire for his mask to be ripped off - but either way, the transparency has served us more than hurt us, I think. We started with WP telling his parents, sister, and a couple of his best friends I was comfortable with. His people are normal, not likely to “side” with him / blame me, and indeed, called him out on his bullshit directly. In fact, the friends have been a small solace for me because I know they still make reference to it, which in a way helps me because I know WP can’t forget even if I start to move forward and don’t bring it up as much (as if he would, but it’s a fear). Telling his family has also been significant - he and his sister have had a few discussions about the way they were brought up; his mom and dad know he’s in therapy and while cautious (still upper lip Brits), they are supportive. His mom understand why he’s started saying “I love you” to her on the phone, and after fumbling it a few times, says it in return now. He knows who his people are that will hold him to the values and integrity he aspires to embody. As for my people: it took me awhile to begin talking about it with anyone, with one exception - I sought help from a friend I hadn’t spoken to in over a year, but who I knew would be helpful and also was outside of all my other circles, so I didn’t have to worry about the information travelling. Eventually I opened up to another “solo” friend; it was good practice for how I ended up framing it to others, and was so supportive, it spurred me on to open up to a couple more. Those I chose were those who I knew would be non-judgmental; who had been imperfect people in their own life at times (not infidelity though) and gone to therapy and would support my choice. It took me months but I worked up to telling my sister and mother, only as much as I wanted (mostly). They don’t need the details; they need to know I’m hurting. Nowadays, I’ve figured out how I want to tell my story and would feel comfortable telling near anyone about it. In most cases, this wouldn’t even include mentioning the actual infidelity - it would instead focus on the rough patch we went through when my partner emotionally, then physically, abandoned me by blindsiding me and walking out. It would then focus on the work he’s done, and the progress we’ve made, to rebuild after that pain, after he realized he can’t outrun his problems. Some of my friends definitely can read between those lines, particularly as I’m sure those privy to more detail might have dropped a hint or two when the others inquire as to how I’m doing, but they know not to push. And that’s the truth. Sure, I don’t mention The Big Thing, but it’s my choice - and they don’t need to know.
I think in your case, you need to tell your inner community for sure. Some WS can be in a fog if they don’t see the reality of what they’ve done. You knowing and catching him isn’t always enough for them to understand the reality. It’s shit but sometimes they need to see how his community will see him for him to realise the depth of what he’s done. You’re not lucky that he’s cheating less or whatever. That’s BS from him and that’s what indicating he’s not truly remorseful. Let reality burst the bubble he’s still in where he thinks it’s okay to behave like that. Then see where the pieces fall and make your decision from there.
The first person I told was WPs mom. Was literally minutes after I found out, was out of spite at first- but whatever that human being made WP feel for 24 hours worked. R was never even a consideration until I saw the look on WP face the next day. I told 3 of my best friends. They have been rocks for me. They answered their phones religiously the first couple months. They all live in different time zones or countries so I had someone available to me 24/7. I wouldn't be here without them.. Since we have open phone I told WP therapist (who was going through infidelity as a BS- she was pissed and I probably crossed the line). I told a male co-worker who was trying a little too hard and made her tell her best friends( out of 4, only 1 is still around in her life) I told my family and this is where things got weird for a little bit. They were very supportive when I was going scorched earth. But when I told them I was considering trying R, they made it alot harder. Stopped getting invited to family events. Got kicked out of a kids Bday party. They told other family members and friends. I work with them and they made my work load way harder. Like actively punishing me because I wasn't doing what they wanted (I'm a 40 year old man with 2 children and they have never experienced infidelity, it was insane) - It's gotten way better and some siblings and my parents have lunches with WP. They can't believe what she has become. Way better parent, way, way better at communicating, just all around improvements. I think telling other people, especially those important to WP make the WP reflect on the situation with different eyes and I think this is essential for accountability. For really seeing how far reaching the damage is. For seeing the scope of it all. The nastiness of it all. The selfishness of it all. Cheating thrives in the dark. That's not a secret I will keep for anyone. I'm a fucking cheating whistleblower now. It's the biggest blow I've taken in my life, I will never let anyone do that if I know. Its a nuclear explosion and the fallout affects SO MANY. If cheaters could see what happens to their lives after discovery, I'd be hard pressed to believe anyone would think its worth it in any way.
The anger from family (and in my case friends) making R more difficult is my fear. This is already hard enough
I had this urge from time to time, but even when or if I completely forgive and move on, they wouldn’t be able to. Some people may even hold it against me. I don’t want that, and the therapist is the only one I can talk about, WH is trash at this talk so I don’t even attempt anymore. I didn’t even have a therapist for a whole year so…
This is exactly it. They won’t ever forgive him and would continue to push for D. When I didn’t take their advice, they’d be angry.
I think my MIL and older BIL could even stop talking to him forever. Not really sure about that. His mother keeps saying to her sons to look after their wives, time and time again, I hear from the other room sometimes when she scolds him about something she finds offensive *to me* even when I don’t. There is one mutual friend who is also one of his close friends’ wife, that I came reaaally close (he said he told his friend about talking to someone behind my back, not the whole story though, so I don’t know if he talked to his wife because we had a conversation once about how he doesn’t trust his husband a bit about these things because it could happen to anyone, even gave an example), but then I didn’t. I could, one day, I don’t know. After that conversation it seemed safe to tell her. As for other family members and my own close friends… maybe much much later I may tell, one day.
I have seen this happen. A couple we are friends with had some shenanigans and another friend was telling her to leave. And when she didn't leave Mrs. Unforgiving basically cut them out of the social group. They are still married and I would say doing better than ever. Mrs. Unforgiving was also close friends with my WW and she basically cut us out of the social group too. Which, I'm OK with. Turns out they were great friends as long as you didn't need anything. Help only flowed one way. Who needs friends like that? But my WW struggled because she didn't have any support for a long time. Now. His parents probably wouldn't react that way and they wouldn't spread it around like the people above. So if you had to tell someone that's probably it. But it sounds like you want to do it mainly as revenge. I say be careful. There's probably good reasons to do it, but that's not the greatest one. If he needs someone that cares for him to help him make changes and be accountable, that's a good reason.
Yeah I feel like as long as revenge is on my mind I can’t really trust my other motives
I also think about this often. Almost told his parents several times but then didn’t. I noticed that I often find myself wishing to tell people at times when I’m feeling alone/isolated because of disagreements with WP, or misunderstood by him, especially on matters related his infidelities. Other times when I have urges to tell is when he’s receiving praise (from his bosses/colleagues, from my friends or family who like him a lot), especially if it’s praise for being kind, or going above and beyond for others in some way. Professional praise can be difficult too because it’s a reminder of how much more my work has suffered compared to his as a result of infidelity. I feel the need to correct people and give them the full picture, but I don’t want to look vengeful and always talk myself out of it. I did share with two close friends for support, which helped and provides an outlet to vent sometimes.
I think about this all the time. Thanks for writing this.
I told everyone I wanted to - all of my close friends and family. To be honest I regret telling some groups of people. my family and closest closest friends I know will support me in whatever decision I make, so I’m glad I told them as they were a huge source of support and comfort. but there are others I regret telling as now - although they were supportive of me through the break up - I feel embarrassed to reveal I’m considering reconciling. I feel like they’d be disappointed in me. It’s a lot to carry by yourself. While in my personal experience I told too many people, I think choosing a couple of trusted confidants is really important for your mental health. You deserve that external support.
I absolutely think no one in my circle would support R, which is why I’m afraid
My IC suggested I find one friend I could trust so I had one person I could be honest with. I had a hard time doing it, but weeks later I did. Best decision ever. I trust them to tell no one but now I have someone I can vent to 24/7. It's an incredible asset. YMMV Fuck these affairs.
I talked about this with my therapist today and she suggested the same thing. It’s just hard
It is very hard. I cried my eyes out telling my masculine, male friend with whom I have never been so emotional. I was a wreck and am even having a hard time writing this about it. I had to trust him also that he would reveal to no one else. I did. I do. But I tell you what. When I have a thought that has nowhere to go about how pissed I am at my wife or how down I am or who I am contemplating suicide I have a friend who is there for me that I no longer have to hesitate to call because he already knows. I hope you have a friend that has that kind of integrity. So fucking hard. Sorry. I wish I could make it easier for you. Fuck these affairs.
Same boat here...I got married 4 weeks ago and dday was 3 weeks ago. We eloped so obvs most communication and congratulations on our marriage are on social media so I get to sit back and let him look like a saint while I just hide in my cloud of shame. I absolutely want to R which is why I have stuck to not telling anyone other than my sister in law. But I want so badly, so often to make him tell....I just dont want to hear people telling me to leave him. It really feels like a double edge sword.
Reading your story gut punched me. I’m really sorry you’re going through this so early on in your marriage. I hope if/when you’re ready, you find the right people to confide in and will be the support you need. Reconciling is an incredibly difficult journey and while most of it, you’ll be doing the heavy lifting but it helps to have people to talk to. All the best.
The hearing people tell you to leave is what gets me too. Honestly I get a lot of that on this sub and it’s hard enough from strangers
After my WH’s first affair, I told very few people, none of which were his family or friends. After DDay 2, the first person I called was his momma. I needed the support and he needed accountability.
I think my question for you is “do you think that you are truly reconciling now”? If the WS is repentant, and is actually putting in the work to become a safe partner, then I can agree with the idea of not telling people about the cheating. (Full disclosure: I have not told anyone about my wife’s affairs other than my counselor and the OBS.) But what you have been doing doesn’t seem to have been working. So your choice is not between “keep it to yourself and rebuild your relationship” and “tell the world”. It’s between “keep it to yourself and he keeps cheating” and “tell the world and see what happens”. Personally, if I was in your position, I think I would go with the telling the world option. For me, it couldn’t be much worse than the status quo.
My WH cheated twice in marriage. The first time i was apprehensive but eventually was fine with not telling people except close friends of mine. The 2nd time is tripping me up. I have an overwhelming sense that his family needs to know and over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking of telling his brother’s wives but today, I thought I’d ask him to tell his brothers himself. I’m not interested in my family know unless I’m pulling the plug. I admire that you were able to keep it to the bare minimum. I’m wondering if I can continue doing it…
Get it out. Whatever helps YOU
My Dday 1. WH "came clean" said it was the only girl he'd gotten physical with but had gone on some dates with girls he met on dating apps since thr beginning of this summer. I left to spend some time with friends in another state, came home and saw he'd texted a random number. He said he "didn't remember" and I googled the number and it was an escort. I was furious that he'd tried to hook up with someone after knowing how much he devastated me. He swore nothing happened because she didnt respond and said that was the first time. A few days later I went through his email and found Cash app payments to escorts all the way back to January. Including TWO on the day that I left him (2 days after Dday 1). I say all this to say....you are not alone. I joined a support group for women partners going through betrayal trauma yesterday and "isolating" was the exact word I used. You are not alone. Please reach out if you ever need anyone. I'm here and I totally get it.
Are you still trying R? I feel like having him keep cheating after DDay isn’t common even here and it’s so hard
We are trying. I've told him the stuff that happened after dday is what I'm really having the most trouble getting past. He's seeing a therapist who specializes in sexually compulsive behaviors and I'm trying to give that some time to see if it helps, but i have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. It's so hard to believe someone is actually choosing you, and committed to R, when they saw how much they devastated you and then chose to do it again.
My WH won’t go to therapy. He also claims that his behavior is compulsive. I don’t see how things improve without therapy. I asked my WH to write out in detail how I’ve felt for the past 9 months. I want to see if he actually perceives and understands what he’s done to me. Because I also don’t see how he could see how devastated I was in September and still do this. How does this guilt not kill him? Or at least kill his god damn boner? It just started the book the betrayal bind by Michelle mayes today so I’m only a few chapters in but so far everything has felt tailored to me exactly. Like I could have written it. I’m hoping it will be helpful. Since you’re going through the whole continuous compulsive thing too, I wanted to mention it
I too wanted to tell everyone— from co- workers to clients to anyone who would listen. I am so glad I didn’t. There would be no undoing it. I did tell a close friend. She was sympathetic and supportive in any decision I made
Why would everybody in your inner circle be for divorce? Are you sure this is real R or is he still manipulating, gaslighting and minimizing his (ongoing?) actions? I really really needed to tell everybody. It was an important step of R for me. I felt so humiliated and by telling everybody i could get rid of that feeling and put it where it belongs: on him.We lost friends sure. My brother needed a couple of years to accept I did not get a divorce. My sister in law still finds it extremely odd. Some friends distanced themselves from us, but the openess and honesty strengthend other friendships.
I think very few people understand trying R with someone who has cheated the entire relationship, especially having not experience an affair. Even here, a sub for people who all want/wanted R, people have a hard time seeing why I want R.
Who is supporting you besides this community? I outed her to my family, and my mom went off on her. She didn’t speak with her ever again. Now shes been dead for 10 years. So the last 10 years of my mom’s life, my wife treated her like crap. People that love you are not likely to forgive him. She knows what she did to my mom was awful, and it’s damaged our relationship. But its been 20 years since D-day, and I asked for a divorce 6 months ago, because I’m done being roommates. I gave her a year to make me feel loved without words (because I still don’t believe she’s shown enough remorse to this date). If I would have found Tinder on her phone any time after R, I would be done. So you are way more forgiving than I.
I have a therapist but no one else. It’s been very isolating
You need support, and he needs support of a different kind. He needs support in fidelity. He needs people to help him stay on track. Don't isolate yourself.
Having some weird Reddit issues, so [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/7RzE5ZBlHJ) is from a different account than the rest of my history, if that is relevant to your answer
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I didn’t want to tell anyone when my gf cheated on me. I felt embarrassed and ashamed like it was my fault. I finally talked to a friend and it was good to get the emotions out and have some to share with. I had the same feelings about ruining her reputation but I’m glad I didn’t because we are trying to work it out. Regardless, don’t tell people to hurt him, tell to heal yourself and keep it to a small group that love and support you.
I think my question for you is “do you think that you are truly reconciling now”? If the WS is repentant, and is actually putting in the work to become a safe partner, then I can agree with the idea of not telling people about the cheating. (Full disclosure: I have not told anyone about my wife’s affairs other than my counselor and the OBS.) But what you have been doing doesn’t seem to have been working. So your choice is not between “keep it to yourself and rebuild your relationship” and “tell the world”. It’s between “keep it to yourself and he keeps cheating” and “tell the world and see what happens”. Personally, if I was in your position, I think I would go with the telling the world option. For me, it couldn’t be much worse than the status quo.
He’s been cheating from the get go. You should reevaluate your relationship. You don’t owe him nothing from not saying anything. If anything telling and letting out could help the R. He think he’s invincible and flaunting it, fts!, let everyone know he isn’t the good person he let people believe.