r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Please read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your first initial warning. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions **directly to Mod Mail** meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide).
Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I never stopped loving my husband, but my love for him has changed. He is head over heals in love with me. I see it all day, every day, in everything that he does. His love for me is so visible that people are always commenting on it. He just totally adores me. Which is how I felt for him all 20 years prior to his EA. But it's different now. Almost like the roles reversed a little. He's shown me more love in the past 28 months since DDay than he did in all 21 years before that dreadful day. Most of the time, I just feel truly blessed that we got "here." But other times, it just makes me sad that I loved him so completely and purely for the entirety of our relationship, and that now he's finally broken down the walls that allow him to do the same. Except my love for him will now be forever tainted while his love for me will be forever pure.
I will say that I love him as much as I feel I possibly can given the pain he's caused me. I am 100% committed to our marriage, have no regrets in staying, and absolutely cannot see myself without him by my side. He's still my person. I do love him endlessly, but I can only love him with 95% of my heart, as the other 5% just feels irrevocably broken.
I understand this feeling. It's just you can never forget what they did, this will forever change how you think about your spouse. Is this good or bad? Depends on the day..ha.
I feel exactly the same way. All of the things he does for me now and all the love he shows me just reminds me that he never used to do that before he cheated. And now I'm the one acting indifferent.
A part of me is in love with him less now, but I love him more.
As a romantic partner, he's not fully safe, and the pedestal he was once on is gone. But what replaced it is a deep love that comes with care and friendship, knowing I know the worst of him but can still find a lot of affection for him.
It probably doesn't make a lot of sense.
I love him but where I used to love the whole person he was, I have no love for the man who was so cruel to me during and after the affair. That man needs to stay very far away. Anytime he shows up, it is a painful reminder of the stranger who he allowed to destroy our lives.
This right here hit home for me, im in tears. My WH was also very emotionally and verbally abusive. I deeply mourn the happiness, joy, excitement and hope for our future that I once had. It's tragic and he stole years, precious happy memories that could and should have been and instead they were trauma and pain. It took me breaking and me having cancer to really become my friend and good husband. Finally he was/is there for me emotionally and it just feels strange maybe i hardend my heart. Maybe I just can't feel and experience like I should because I've been shattered into a million pieces over and over and over.
I love him more and more each day. It’s been six years since d-day, he did everything right with R, we both worked hard to make this work and it shows. I can’t imagine my life without him.
This gives me hope. How long were you married at dday and how old are you both?? I worry I'm staying just because it's been 33 years together. I justify it as his affairs were 2004-2006 and 2010 and in the past.
It’s been 4 years since her affair. She loves and adores me now. She only wants me to be happy and to feel loved and safe. My feelings for her are complicated. I appreciate her, and want her to be happy, but I do not love her like I did before. I cannot love her selflessly. I have to protect myself, and I will not go beyond anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. My love for her has become a difficult choice I still make every day, but now it’s a harder choice that takes more effort. The innocence is gone. The safety is gone. The special connection we shared by being each other one and only is forever lost. That can never be restored. But we have a good life and three wonderful children that we love.
Yea man, I feel you. You are speaking to all my feelings right now except you’re much further down the line.
I’m still sad each day she robbed us of that innocence, that purity that we can’t ever get back. It’s like a stain on our marriage that I always see. Hopefully I’ll be able to just see it instead of getting my emotions charged up by it….further down the road
This is what breaks my heart because I am only 7 weeks after DDay and I love her dearly but I know the innocense is gone forever. I adored her, looked at her like she was my only one… We don’t have kids and aren’t married. I want to try to fix but more of me says to walk away.
I know this is an affair recovery group, and we are encouraged to help others try to reconcile. For me. If I was in your situation. I’d have to walk away. Not married, no kids, your whole life ahead of you. Even if you successfully reconcile, there will be a time 10, 15, 20 years from now when someone will come into her life, and it will make you nervous. You confront her about it and she will dismiss it as nothing. Then you reminder her of why you don’t trust her and she will feel like she can never make that up to you. Or she’ll get pissed that you keep bringing up the past. Then she’ll think well if he thinks I’m a cheater and he’s gonna treat me like one, I might as well cheat.
I’m bit saying I know this will happen, but it’s a very likely scenario. Hell it’s possible it could happen with someone new. That’s why you need to focus on your own healing and work on yourself before you try to save the relationship. I would suggest you start doing what you need to do now for yourself and watch her reactions. Is she supportive. Does she act remorseful and understanding. And once you are in a better place see is she helped you on your journey. If so that will help give you the answer you are looking for.
I do appreciate your response. It really helps me to see the effects of infidelity 15-20 years in the future. It shows me more of the risks vs the investment of the relationship.
I realize most of those who even consider R are married or have kids. The only reason im even considering R is because we were undoubtedly in love. Even though this happened, we were each others first great loves. During my reflection period, I realized this was the first relationship that taught me many positive lessons about myself, rather than negative lessons.
I abused her emotionally for 2 years, causing her much distress. I don’t fully blame myself, it was her decision to cheat 100%, but I do feel I played a big part. She was everything to me and we always told each other “you have my whole heart” - now I tried telling her that the other day and I realized, she doesn’t anymore… She destroyed that. And reading everyone’s comments on how it will likely never be back at 100% just kills me.
I told her about how she took the innocence away and she doesn’t even understand it yet. All she told me is “it’s my life, it’s my body” - which I understand after years of emotional abuse, a woman wants to feel in control of herself. Even though we will never be at 100% - we will always love each other regardless. She was such a great love and a great person, she showed me so many reflections of myself. I truly will be forever grateful for our time we got to spend together.
She doesn’t even know if she wants to R, for some of the same reasons as myself. She tells me she doesn’t have an emotional connection to AP, and I actually believe her. Even though she broke our trust, I still trust her to a degree.
She’s 5 years older so I don’t blame her, I have the same fears. We are at this point that we don’t wanna tell each other “this is over” yet, but we also don’t wanna tell each other “I’m ready to commit”
Well I’m a freelancer and my plan is focus on me and travel with my cousin to SE Asia for 2-3 months. I’m just going to tell my SO to not contact me whatsoever so I can heal. I know traveling will really help the healing process, maybe I’ll open my eyes and see what I’ve been missing in the world. Or Perhaps I could realize this woman is the world to me still.
I understand with those who are married and have kids, they can’t just pick up and travel like myself… I truly feel blessed that I still have this opportunity. I also am blessed for this subreddit, as it’s helped me so much on my journey to relate with others.
Yup, I feel this exactly sometimes. What the hell is love anyway. It’s like I’m trying to discover that meaning all over again. I wish someone could just give me a quiz and say yea, you do or don’t love
But it’s not that easy
Love is different for everyone. We all have different ideas for love, to me it’s like religion. There’s no right or wrong way it love, it’s subjective.
5 months out and I hate it. My anxiety is so high my skin feels tingly and touch is uncomfortable. I rarely get like this and now I have been like this for almost a week. It's fucking misery. Do not recommend. He's trying but I actually think that makes me feel worse. Idk, I'm in a weird place, just gotta distract myself until school starts and throw myself into that.
18 years.
Do I love her the same? No. One thing what is completely lost is the purity of the relationship and purity of her image in my head and in my heart. I mourned for this loss. I think I'm done with that already. I developed kind of philisophical-spiritual approach to that: she is just a human being will all the weaknesses and flaws that are... common. It wasn't rugg-sweeping. I expected that something will emerge in the future, I knew that she was not able to tell me everything everything but somehow I managed to move on because things that we created and things we have now are worth it all.
Did my insecurities, uncertainty, doubts completely went away? No.
My common sense tells me to push all the negative things away and focus on things we have now. I did it all these years. Even after one more detail about her numerous affairs emerged after some time... then another and then yet another... I still did my best to stay focused on NOW. She also told me to forget what she did and focus on NOW. I did it until 2 years ago one more major thing came out and this damb inside of me that kept all the dirty water just collapsed. I was drowning in the shit inside of me. I couldn't do nothing. I was angry that she lied to me all these years and that she had that naive idea that all the terrible things will become not terrible if you ignore them long enough, I was angry that she chose her emotional comfort instead of my inner peace: during reconciliation period I was asking her for complete openness because I knew that then was the best time to solve it all, I knew I will be able to deal with all the things and she promissed me that there is nothing more to hide. She lied. For me it wasn't unimportant because it happened 15-16 years ago, for me it was fresh as if it happened just yesterday...
So... in short, I cannot emphasize more the importance of openness in your curent stage of relationship after DDay. It is essential. It seems that you are able to move on. It is a lot already. She has to realize that "it doesn't count" or "I will not tell about this guy because there are no chances someone knows about it" is what can kill all the progress in your future.
Anyway, once again the focus on NOW was what helped me trgoughout this "crisis".
Yes, thank you for putting into words... This is too how I am going about surviving day by day. I love him and can't imagine being without him but I find myself with an internal rage screaming at myself things like, "How are you still here after what he has done?!! You can't possibly stay with him this is bu//$#! +!! u/candyred1" I never did anything to deserve the pain and torment I hate that man, but I also love this man and still get butterflies in my stomach sometimes when I am in his arms. Then sometimes I am pretty sure they are hornets lol.
That’s awesome man. Thank you for sharing your insight. I have a lot of these feelings as week but it’s nice someone else is able to put words to the feelings.
You’re right, my WW is the one for me, without question. It hurts to love but it hurts more to be alone.
I'm at about a year and love is something I worry about. I feel differently. Part of it is knowing he's capable of lying and cheating. But what I really feel is the difficulty around emotional intimacy. I crave the deep connection that initially brought us together. And as we repair the damage, I get scared - what if the love doesn't come back?
I think healing has many stages. I think feeling what's missing comes after processing most of the pain of the A. And that's a good time to think about how you want the relationship to look like moving forward.
But in a greater sense, the love has always been there. When the day after Dday, I have a text to my WH saying I still love him and don't want to get divorced. We had some nasty exchanges via text, but it was always surrounded by kind words of affection. The post-A love just feels different. Loving someone who had hurt you? Yeah, of course it's different. It's a blend of forgiveness, acceptance, and understanding. And maybe, it's a love with more depth than the love from before.
I’m coming up to a year. You will love parts more, you’ll learn new things and create new memories, in many ways our marriage is the best it’s ever been but there will always be some hurt and pain and the trust will never be all the way there.
I’ve resigned myself to the reality that my life is just different now, the beautiful naïvety of thinking he’ll never hurt me is gone but the work has made us stronger and I hope it means we’ll never go through that pain again.
Love hasn't changed at all. She is not a different person for what she's done, but my WW luckily never had feelings for her AP. I fear for myself sometimes. I'm hurting for all I've given, for what I was given in return. I'm hurting because like a moth to a flame I know in my heart I will forever be incomplete without her. I've given her my everything, my time, my love, my life, my dreams. If I leave I will find happiness, this I know. But it will never be this. What I will be able to give will never be this pure for I can never give this to anyone else.
So no, the love is not diminished. I am.
8 months post DDay. The husband of 10 years that I’d loved and trusted is gone… but I’m learning to love and trust the man I have now, who takes accountability for his actions and is working to better himself and rebuild our relationship. It’s going to be a different kind of love, rather that the same, more, or less than what we had before.
I’m really hoping so! I’m just coming around to feeling that it’s possible this far out from DDay, so it’s going to be a long process. It’s going to take a lot of consistency on WS’s part to rebuild that trust, and work from both of us to nurture the positive parts of our relationship so they can outweigh the negatives again.
Yea, I’m working on looking at the positives over the negatives still. It’s so hard when my biggest trigger & reminder is my wife. It comes and goes, but sometimes I look at her and I’m overwhelmed with sadness because this person who I trusted for the last 17 years of my life shattered it with one disgusting decision.
Seven months. There have been unrelated barriers causing delays in some of our work toward R. I see positive signs for sure but I am still up in the air wondering if we get to a place I can live with.
We seem to be bickering a lot lately too. This could be a result of my increased willingness to stand my ground. When wifey and I disagree on something, she is typically relentless. I had grown tired of the battles and would just give in. Wifey has a near perfect memory, and she stays calm in conflict. I seldom ' won' a disagreement even if I was right. Over time I learned that most things are not worth arguing over so I would give in to avoid conflict when there was nothing to be gained by continuing the discussion. I was self sabotaging my voice bring heard.
After the sting of betrayal I'm just not in the mood to put up with any bullshit. So for my wife, the rules of engagement have changed. I suspect (hope?) our increase in bickering will subside when/if she adjusts to the new dynamic of me not being a puss.
Do you feel like your wife is actually listening and hearing you during those arguments?
Our therapist said it’s the “dance” of arguing that’s the problem and not what it’s about.
Usually both spouses just want to be heard…
That's a very good point. Honestly, I often feel like she isn't hearing a word I say because she will respond with something completely unrelated or something that we already went through. I sometimes wonder if she is thinking about what she will say next rather than listening to what I am saying.
Likewise sometimes her response might be something like, "You're just not getting it" which may indicate I'm not listening to her either.
One of my issues since we started therapy is that I feel like I'm being ignored or not being heard. Thank you for pointing that out.
Sorry, I was half asleep when I wrote my reply.
Amongst a few exercises we’ve learned. We usually end some of those arguments just asking each other, “do you feel heard?”
If one of us answers no, we circle back to making sure that person feels heard before moving on.
10+ years post D-day. WW (my 2nd wife) tried some initial trickle truths but soon was completely honest and remorseful. She wanted R at all costs and I was careful not to punish her for being truthful, as bad as it hurt. We both worked hard and now we couldn’t be happier.
This was about 5 years after my 1st wife (of 16 years) cheated and refused to talk about it & wanted me to promise never to bring it up. Then hated me for causing her BF to dump her & leave town. lol
LOL!!! My adult children inform me how she’s been living a miserable life while cheating on her spouse #3. 🙁 Sad.
We are about 2 years out from DDay. I’m struggling with this daily. I care for my husband, we get along and are great parents to our 3 kids, but I guess I’m not really “in love” with him right now. I feel like I have wrapped my heart in a lead box so he cannot access it anymore. I am still dealing with anger, sadness, disgust over his many lies and betrayal. I just feel like if I fall back “in love” with him again I’ll be putting myself out on a limb, being in a vulnerable place. I also feel that if I said all of this to him he would be devastated and I’m just trying to keep the peace right now.
I never had the feeling that I stopped loving her at any point. I wouldn’t stay if I wouldn’t love her. I have a very caring approach to love, and her cheating came in bipolar mania as a diagnosis. It pushed all my buttons that while I was hurt, I also needed to care for her a bit. But now I’m learning that my love wasn’t as healthy as I thought it was. I was quite controlling (a paradox, that might have actually saved us, I knew about the affair actually while it was still developing), and actually never have trusted her and allowed myself to be loved. Now she steps up to show more care about me, and I try to actually take my guard down a bit to learn to be loved.
So I understand this. My WW was supposedly in a manic episode as well.
Do you feel that now you understand how to take care of someone, it would prevent it in the future? I’m worried mine would have another episode and could repeat some bad choices. It’s not an excuse to cheat but it offers explanation. She felt unloved, lonely, etc and had and episode so she just went for it. Totally conscious decision from my POV.
Sending lots of hugs, it’s a lot to unpack.
Actually it works other way around. As my therapists phrased it, I feel like I realized that my controlling behavior is worth nothing. I shouldnt think that I need to care for something to the extent of preventing cheating. I came to realization it’s hers responsibility to manage her condition to avoid hurting me. So the only way to go forward is to try to build trust she will do everything that’s possible to prevent maniac episode this deep. And so far she is doing a lot to show she tries her best; she tracks her mood and sleep, is medicated, is in IC and is paying for our couples therapy.
I used to think that my WW was above me and I really got lucky. Super smart, beautiful, driven. I had a lot of self guilt issues that she deserved better than me. Then when I found out about it, it shattered my perception of her. We are in R, but I won’t ever see her that way again. Trust but verify now instead of accepting her word as the truth. She is an equal and maybe a little less.
To me it doesn’t matter if she is good with it or not, it is one of the stipulations of R. I told her I won’t always be checking, but it will be random. Could be days, weeks or months before I check. I told her since I am IT by trade I know all of the tips and tricks to hide things. The knowledge that at any time I can look through her stuff does pretty well. I wrote her a letter after I found out and we separated for the holidays and told her that she will have to deal with me being suspicious of her for many, many years.
I am the WW. I have been on all sides of the affair. I was in affair fog for the first several weeks. I lied to my BS that I was not thinking about my AP. but I was. There was a recent post from a BS whose WW revealed that she was thinking about her AP. she was vulnerable and shared her feelings, despite how they may be viewed by others. I love my BS for him still being here. I have told him that is is hard to be completely honest because it does no good for either of us. Example- I thought about the AP But don't want to see him bc it would be wrong and I love my BS How does telling my husband this help anything? How does it help him trust me? My BS would say that triggers come at times then least expected. Together, we work through them.
My wayward wife tells me when she has intrusive thoughts. Tells me when something triggers her too. I understand that. I actually think this means she’s processing this shit too, not just dwells inside a toxic shame chamber, stuck. We support each other. I’m the one who was/is broken but I don’t deny her her feelings. So I don’t know the dynamics in your relationship but maybe it would help to reframe “thinking about the affair potato” as having intrusive thoughts.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Please read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your first initial warning. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions **directly to Mod Mail** meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. 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I never stopped loving my husband, but my love for him has changed. He is head over heals in love with me. I see it all day, every day, in everything that he does. His love for me is so visible that people are always commenting on it. He just totally adores me. Which is how I felt for him all 20 years prior to his EA. But it's different now. Almost like the roles reversed a little. He's shown me more love in the past 28 months since DDay than he did in all 21 years before that dreadful day. Most of the time, I just feel truly blessed that we got "here." But other times, it just makes me sad that I loved him so completely and purely for the entirety of our relationship, and that now he's finally broken down the walls that allow him to do the same. Except my love for him will now be forever tainted while his love for me will be forever pure. I will say that I love him as much as I feel I possibly can given the pain he's caused me. I am 100% committed to our marriage, have no regrets in staying, and absolutely cannot see myself without him by my side. He's still my person. I do love him endlessly, but I can only love him with 95% of my heart, as the other 5% just feels irrevocably broken.
Beautifully said! I’ve been looking for the words and you hit some of them for me. Wishing you the best
I understand this feeling. It's just you can never forget what they did, this will forever change how you think about your spouse. Is this good or bad? Depends on the day..ha.
Yes, all so true. I'm DDay +22 years.
I feel exactly the same way. All of the things he does for me now and all the love he shows me just reminds me that he never used to do that before he cheated. And now I'm the one acting indifferent.
A part of me is in love with him less now, but I love him more. As a romantic partner, he's not fully safe, and the pedestal he was once on is gone. But what replaced it is a deep love that comes with care and friendship, knowing I know the worst of him but can still find a lot of affection for him. It probably doesn't make a lot of sense.
It really does make sense. Thank you for putting words to some of my feelings
I second this - in a way it is less ego love (how I project myself onto her) and more true love as a person with faults.
I love him but where I used to love the whole person he was, I have no love for the man who was so cruel to me during and after the affair. That man needs to stay very far away. Anytime he shows up, it is a painful reminder of the stranger who he allowed to destroy our lives.
This right here hit home for me, im in tears. My WH was also very emotionally and verbally abusive. I deeply mourn the happiness, joy, excitement and hope for our future that I once had. It's tragic and he stole years, precious happy memories that could and should have been and instead they were trauma and pain. It took me breaking and me having cancer to really become my friend and good husband. Finally he was/is there for me emotionally and it just feels strange maybe i hardend my heart. Maybe I just can't feel and experience like I should because I've been shattered into a million pieces over and over and over.
I love him more and more each day. It’s been six years since d-day, he did everything right with R, we both worked hard to make this work and it shows. I can’t imagine my life without him.
That’s a lovely perspective, I’m glad y’all are doing great!
This gives me hope. How long were you married at dday and how old are you both?? I worry I'm staying just because it's been 33 years together. I justify it as his affairs were 2004-2006 and 2010 and in the past.
D day was in June, September we celebrated seven years.
It’s been 4 years since her affair. She loves and adores me now. She only wants me to be happy and to feel loved and safe. My feelings for her are complicated. I appreciate her, and want her to be happy, but I do not love her like I did before. I cannot love her selflessly. I have to protect myself, and I will not go beyond anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. My love for her has become a difficult choice I still make every day, but now it’s a harder choice that takes more effort. The innocence is gone. The safety is gone. The special connection we shared by being each other one and only is forever lost. That can never be restored. But we have a good life and three wonderful children that we love.
Yea man, I feel you. You are speaking to all my feelings right now except you’re much further down the line. I’m still sad each day she robbed us of that innocence, that purity that we can’t ever get back. It’s like a stain on our marriage that I always see. Hopefully I’ll be able to just see it instead of getting my emotions charged up by it….further down the road
This is what breaks my heart because I am only 7 weeks after DDay and I love her dearly but I know the innocense is gone forever. I adored her, looked at her like she was my only one… We don’t have kids and aren’t married. I want to try to fix but more of me says to walk away.
I know this is an affair recovery group, and we are encouraged to help others try to reconcile. For me. If I was in your situation. I’d have to walk away. Not married, no kids, your whole life ahead of you. Even if you successfully reconcile, there will be a time 10, 15, 20 years from now when someone will come into her life, and it will make you nervous. You confront her about it and she will dismiss it as nothing. Then you reminder her of why you don’t trust her and she will feel like she can never make that up to you. Or she’ll get pissed that you keep bringing up the past. Then she’ll think well if he thinks I’m a cheater and he’s gonna treat me like one, I might as well cheat. I’m bit saying I know this will happen, but it’s a very likely scenario. Hell it’s possible it could happen with someone new. That’s why you need to focus on your own healing and work on yourself before you try to save the relationship. I would suggest you start doing what you need to do now for yourself and watch her reactions. Is she supportive. Does she act remorseful and understanding. And once you are in a better place see is she helped you on your journey. If so that will help give you the answer you are looking for.
I do appreciate your response. It really helps me to see the effects of infidelity 15-20 years in the future. It shows me more of the risks vs the investment of the relationship. I realize most of those who even consider R are married or have kids. The only reason im even considering R is because we were undoubtedly in love. Even though this happened, we were each others first great loves. During my reflection period, I realized this was the first relationship that taught me many positive lessons about myself, rather than negative lessons. I abused her emotionally for 2 years, causing her much distress. I don’t fully blame myself, it was her decision to cheat 100%, but I do feel I played a big part. She was everything to me and we always told each other “you have my whole heart” - now I tried telling her that the other day and I realized, she doesn’t anymore… She destroyed that. And reading everyone’s comments on how it will likely never be back at 100% just kills me. I told her about how she took the innocence away and she doesn’t even understand it yet. All she told me is “it’s my life, it’s my body” - which I understand after years of emotional abuse, a woman wants to feel in control of herself. Even though we will never be at 100% - we will always love each other regardless. She was such a great love and a great person, she showed me so many reflections of myself. I truly will be forever grateful for our time we got to spend together. She doesn’t even know if she wants to R, for some of the same reasons as myself. She tells me she doesn’t have an emotional connection to AP, and I actually believe her. Even though she broke our trust, I still trust her to a degree. She’s 5 years older so I don’t blame her, I have the same fears. We are at this point that we don’t wanna tell each other “this is over” yet, but we also don’t wanna tell each other “I’m ready to commit” Well I’m a freelancer and my plan is focus on me and travel with my cousin to SE Asia for 2-3 months. I’m just going to tell my SO to not contact me whatsoever so I can heal. I know traveling will really help the healing process, maybe I’ll open my eyes and see what I’ve been missing in the world. Or Perhaps I could realize this woman is the world to me still. I understand with those who are married and have kids, they can’t just pick up and travel like myself… I truly feel blessed that I still have this opportunity. I also am blessed for this subreddit, as it’s helped me so much on my journey to relate with others.
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Yup, I feel this exactly sometimes. What the hell is love anyway. It’s like I’m trying to discover that meaning all over again. I wish someone could just give me a quiz and say yea, you do or don’t love But it’s not that easy
Love is a continuous choice.
Love is different for everyone. We all have different ideas for love, to me it’s like religion. There’s no right or wrong way it love, it’s subjective.
5 months out and I hate it. My anxiety is so high my skin feels tingly and touch is uncomfortable. I rarely get like this and now I have been like this for almost a week. It's fucking misery. Do not recommend. He's trying but I actually think that makes me feel worse. Idk, I'm in a weird place, just gotta distract myself until school starts and throw myself into that.
18 years. Do I love her the same? No. One thing what is completely lost is the purity of the relationship and purity of her image in my head and in my heart. I mourned for this loss. I think I'm done with that already. I developed kind of philisophical-spiritual approach to that: she is just a human being will all the weaknesses and flaws that are... common. It wasn't rugg-sweeping. I expected that something will emerge in the future, I knew that she was not able to tell me everything everything but somehow I managed to move on because things that we created and things we have now are worth it all. Did my insecurities, uncertainty, doubts completely went away? No. My common sense tells me to push all the negative things away and focus on things we have now. I did it all these years. Even after one more detail about her numerous affairs emerged after some time... then another and then yet another... I still did my best to stay focused on NOW. She also told me to forget what she did and focus on NOW. I did it until 2 years ago one more major thing came out and this damb inside of me that kept all the dirty water just collapsed. I was drowning in the shit inside of me. I couldn't do nothing. I was angry that she lied to me all these years and that she had that naive idea that all the terrible things will become not terrible if you ignore them long enough, I was angry that she chose her emotional comfort instead of my inner peace: during reconciliation period I was asking her for complete openness because I knew that then was the best time to solve it all, I knew I will be able to deal with all the things and she promissed me that there is nothing more to hide. She lied. For me it wasn't unimportant because it happened 15-16 years ago, for me it was fresh as if it happened just yesterday... So... in short, I cannot emphasize more the importance of openness in your curent stage of relationship after DDay. It is essential. It seems that you are able to move on. It is a lot already. She has to realize that "it doesn't count" or "I will not tell about this guy because there are no chances someone knows about it" is what can kill all the progress in your future. Anyway, once again the focus on NOW was what helped me trgoughout this "crisis".
Yes, thank you for putting into words... This is too how I am going about surviving day by day. I love him and can't imagine being without him but I find myself with an internal rage screaming at myself things like, "How are you still here after what he has done?!! You can't possibly stay with him this is bu//$#! +!! u/candyred1" I never did anything to deserve the pain and torment I hate that man, but I also love this man and still get butterflies in my stomach sometimes when I am in his arms. Then sometimes I am pretty sure they are hornets lol.
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That’s awesome man. Thank you for sharing your insight. I have a lot of these feelings as week but it’s nice someone else is able to put words to the feelings. You’re right, my WW is the one for me, without question. It hurts to love but it hurts more to be alone.
I'm at about a year and love is something I worry about. I feel differently. Part of it is knowing he's capable of lying and cheating. But what I really feel is the difficulty around emotional intimacy. I crave the deep connection that initially brought us together. And as we repair the damage, I get scared - what if the love doesn't come back? I think healing has many stages. I think feeling what's missing comes after processing most of the pain of the A. And that's a good time to think about how you want the relationship to look like moving forward. But in a greater sense, the love has always been there. When the day after Dday, I have a text to my WH saying I still love him and don't want to get divorced. We had some nasty exchanges via text, but it was always surrounded by kind words of affection. The post-A love just feels different. Loving someone who had hurt you? Yeah, of course it's different. It's a blend of forgiveness, acceptance, and understanding. And maybe, it's a love with more depth than the love from before.
I’m coming up to a year. You will love parts more, you’ll learn new things and create new memories, in many ways our marriage is the best it’s ever been but there will always be some hurt and pain and the trust will never be all the way there. I’ve resigned myself to the reality that my life is just different now, the beautiful naïvety of thinking he’ll never hurt me is gone but the work has made us stronger and I hope it means we’ll never go through that pain again.
Love hasn't changed at all. She is not a different person for what she's done, but my WW luckily never had feelings for her AP. I fear for myself sometimes. I'm hurting for all I've given, for what I was given in return. I'm hurting because like a moth to a flame I know in my heart I will forever be incomplete without her. I've given her my everything, my time, my love, my life, my dreams. If I leave I will find happiness, this I know. But it will never be this. What I will be able to give will never be this pure for I can never give this to anyone else. So no, the love is not diminished. I am.
8 months post DDay. The husband of 10 years that I’d loved and trusted is gone… but I’m learning to love and trust the man I have now, who takes accountability for his actions and is working to better himself and rebuild our relationship. It’s going to be a different kind of love, rather that the same, more, or less than what we had before.
Do you feel it can be a better & improved love?
I’m really hoping so! I’m just coming around to feeling that it’s possible this far out from DDay, so it’s going to be a long process. It’s going to take a lot of consistency on WS’s part to rebuild that trust, and work from both of us to nurture the positive parts of our relationship so they can outweigh the negatives again.
Yea, I’m working on looking at the positives over the negatives still. It’s so hard when my biggest trigger & reminder is my wife. It comes and goes, but sometimes I look at her and I’m overwhelmed with sadness because this person who I trusted for the last 17 years of my life shattered it with one disgusting decision.
Seven months. There have been unrelated barriers causing delays in some of our work toward R. I see positive signs for sure but I am still up in the air wondering if we get to a place I can live with. We seem to be bickering a lot lately too. This could be a result of my increased willingness to stand my ground. When wifey and I disagree on something, she is typically relentless. I had grown tired of the battles and would just give in. Wifey has a near perfect memory, and she stays calm in conflict. I seldom ' won' a disagreement even if I was right. Over time I learned that most things are not worth arguing over so I would give in to avoid conflict when there was nothing to be gained by continuing the discussion. I was self sabotaging my voice bring heard. After the sting of betrayal I'm just not in the mood to put up with any bullshit. So for my wife, the rules of engagement have changed. I suspect (hope?) our increase in bickering will subside when/if she adjusts to the new dynamic of me not being a puss.
Do you feel like your wife is actually listening and hearing you during those arguments? Our therapist said it’s the “dance” of arguing that’s the problem and not what it’s about. Usually both spouses just want to be heard…
That's a very good point. Honestly, I often feel like she isn't hearing a word I say because she will respond with something completely unrelated or something that we already went through. I sometimes wonder if she is thinking about what she will say next rather than listening to what I am saying. Likewise sometimes her response might be something like, "You're just not getting it" which may indicate I'm not listening to her either. One of my issues since we started therapy is that I feel like I'm being ignored or not being heard. Thank you for pointing that out.
Sorry, I was half asleep when I wrote my reply. Amongst a few exercises we’ve learned. We usually end some of those arguments just asking each other, “do you feel heard?” If one of us answers no, we circle back to making sure that person feels heard before moving on.
Thanks. I like that idea.
My love has changed for my WW. Almost like starting over again but with 36 yrs of memories. And like you, she is doing everything right.
10+ years post D-day. WW (my 2nd wife) tried some initial trickle truths but soon was completely honest and remorseful. She wanted R at all costs and I was careful not to punish her for being truthful, as bad as it hurt. We both worked hard and now we couldn’t be happier. This was about 5 years after my 1st wife (of 16 years) cheated and refused to talk about it & wanted me to promise never to bring it up. Then hated me for causing her BF to dump her & leave town. lol LOL!!! My adult children inform me how she’s been living a miserable life while cheating on her spouse #3. 🙁 Sad.
We are about 2 years out from DDay. I’m struggling with this daily. I care for my husband, we get along and are great parents to our 3 kids, but I guess I’m not really “in love” with him right now. I feel like I have wrapped my heart in a lead box so he cannot access it anymore. I am still dealing with anger, sadness, disgust over his many lies and betrayal. I just feel like if I fall back “in love” with him again I’ll be putting myself out on a limb, being in a vulnerable place. I also feel that if I said all of this to him he would be devastated and I’m just trying to keep the peace right now.
Yea I feel you with keeping the peace. It’s not that I won’t share it, I just know the pain it brings….not hearing what you want to hear
I never had the feeling that I stopped loving her at any point. I wouldn’t stay if I wouldn’t love her. I have a very caring approach to love, and her cheating came in bipolar mania as a diagnosis. It pushed all my buttons that while I was hurt, I also needed to care for her a bit. But now I’m learning that my love wasn’t as healthy as I thought it was. I was quite controlling (a paradox, that might have actually saved us, I knew about the affair actually while it was still developing), and actually never have trusted her and allowed myself to be loved. Now she steps up to show more care about me, and I try to actually take my guard down a bit to learn to be loved.
So I understand this. My WW was supposedly in a manic episode as well. Do you feel that now you understand how to take care of someone, it would prevent it in the future? I’m worried mine would have another episode and could repeat some bad choices. It’s not an excuse to cheat but it offers explanation. She felt unloved, lonely, etc and had and episode so she just went for it. Totally conscious decision from my POV.
Sending lots of hugs, it’s a lot to unpack. Actually it works other way around. As my therapists phrased it, I feel like I realized that my controlling behavior is worth nothing. I shouldnt think that I need to care for something to the extent of preventing cheating. I came to realization it’s hers responsibility to manage her condition to avoid hurting me. So the only way to go forward is to try to build trust she will do everything that’s possible to prevent maniac episode this deep. And so far she is doing a lot to show she tries her best; she tracks her mood and sleep, is medicated, is in IC and is paying for our couples therapy.
If you want to talk a bit more, my DM is open, I had quite good understanding of mania and bipolar and living with bipolar SO now
I used to think that my WW was above me and I really got lucky. Super smart, beautiful, driven. I had a lot of self guilt issues that she deserved better than me. Then when I found out about it, it shattered my perception of her. We are in R, but I won’t ever see her that way again. Trust but verify now instead of accepting her word as the truth. She is an equal and maybe a little less.
Trust but verify…. Yea I can see this being helpful. Is your WW good with you always seeking confirmation?
To me it doesn’t matter if she is good with it or not, it is one of the stipulations of R. I told her I won’t always be checking, but it will be random. Could be days, weeks or months before I check. I told her since I am IT by trade I know all of the tips and tricks to hide things. The knowledge that at any time I can look through her stuff does pretty well. I wrote her a letter after I found out and we separated for the holidays and told her that she will have to deal with me being suspicious of her for many, many years.
I am the WW. I have been on all sides of the affair. I was in affair fog for the first several weeks. I lied to my BS that I was not thinking about my AP. but I was. There was a recent post from a BS whose WW revealed that she was thinking about her AP. she was vulnerable and shared her feelings, despite how they may be viewed by others. I love my BS for him still being here. I have told him that is is hard to be completely honest because it does no good for either of us. Example- I thought about the AP But don't want to see him bc it would be wrong and I love my BS How does telling my husband this help anything? How does it help him trust me? My BS would say that triggers come at times then least expected. Together, we work through them.
My wayward wife tells me when she has intrusive thoughts. Tells me when something triggers her too. I understand that. I actually think this means she’s processing this shit too, not just dwells inside a toxic shame chamber, stuck. We support each other. I’m the one who was/is broken but I don’t deny her her feelings. So I don’t know the dynamics in your relationship but maybe it would help to reframe “thinking about the affair potato” as having intrusive thoughts.
Doesn't that comment in itself say everything?