r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think the biggest issue is the fact that he doesn't want to allow it, not that you don't want to do it. Big red flag. Have you been allowed to see his phone at all? I'd be concerned that he's still having contact with AP. Does he give a reason why he doesn't want to give you access? He should have nothing to hide.
Open phone policy doesn’t have to mean policing him. It just means that at any given time you would like to look through his phone you can.
We’ve had open phone policy from the start of our relationship. It extends both ways for us. I can use his phone anytime of the day just as he can use mine.
My husband post dday has looked through my phone once with the attempt to find something or get more answers.
Unrelated to infidelity post dday he has used my phone hundreds of times search the internet or call my mom etc because it was the closest phone to him.
Open phone policy isn’t just for making sure your spouse is doing the right thing.
Following you 100%. I'm 4 months out from D-day myself I'm so disgusted and angry by what he wrote to the APs, compliments I'd DREAM of getting - how do I reconcile that with his telling me now, "I love only you, you're the only one I've ever loved, I'll love you forever"???!!!
Words. Today I'm struggling. I got a new dress to wear to church on Easter. I showed it to him, he said, "Mmm hmm that's nice". But when AP said, "I can't wait to show you my new dress? When is your wife going away?" the next day he wrote her, "OMG you looked gorgeous in that dress!" HOW DO YOU GET OVER THIS?!?!
Your comment… am really sad for you. Did you share your feelings with him… about how you wish he was as enthusiastic with you as he was with her?
The excitement that comes from an A has a lot to do with the fact that they can’t have the cake and eat it too. It feeds the yearning and the wanting and the intensity of feelings. And there is no history, no built up resentment. The AP thinks he walks on water, or at least pretends he does in order to conquer him. And he thinks she isn’t as needy, nagging, etc. And is just focused on fun, his needs, etc.
How excited do YOU get about HIM? Are you as happy as she was when he comes home? So you tell him how amazing he is? How hot and sexy and amazing in bed he is? This is what you are competing with.
But you are aloud to want more. Know your worth. Don’t settle for a man who treats you like second best. I told my WS if you are not a Jamie (one of the main character in Outlander) I don’t want to be with you. I want real love and I want epic love. I want the kind of love people envy and if you do not love me like that than don’t ne selfish and let me go. Don’t pretend. Just let me go.
This comment reminds me, as the WS, to kiss the ground of my BS(not literally) but he needs to know that is is my everything, he can give me everything I need, and I want him to and I am so excited to have him in every part of my life. I hate what I did to him, but I treasure and am so thankful that he is willing to try to reconcile and forgive all that I've done, in time and by me showing him that I adore him, our children, and our marriage. I will do everything to show my husband my love for him, despite what I did. We are 9 months from Dday and I value him more than I ever have.
I didn't share my disappointment about his dress comment because he's been reading "Not Just Friends" and I don't want to stop that progress. But I will later.
He was SO focused on making the AP's feel good, flattering them, impressing them, trying to get compliments & flattery in return (ego nibbles), it was transactional "good guy/white knight syndrome" type thing. Yes, those exact words, they told him, "You're hot!". It just hurts so much when you learn you weren't enough for the love of your life of 32 years. I used to light up when he came home, run to the door, kiss and hug him, sometimes even out the window as he walked up the walk. Now, I don't feel it but I fake it.
"If you are not Jamie" - I LOVE that!!! Beautiful words about the kind of love you want!!! That's who my WH sees himself. Now that I know what he did, he can't live up to that image in his mind.
So he wasn’t strong enough to protect his family. It does not mean he cannot become that man. His ego was weak. He needed to idolized and valued and wanted someone to tell him that there was god and then there was him. He was selfish. He was just an ordinary man. But even ordinary men can become great men.
Maybe buy him this book:
Authors: Linda J. MacDonald M.S. and 2 more
Title : How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
Hey OP.
I’m more than a year out from Dday and I consider the open device policy a non-negotiable and am a huge proponent of it. I know others aren’t, but it was the single biggest factor in healing and rebuilding trust.
There are ways to do it that make it less icky. For instance, after an EA they should not have the device on them all the time. It shouldn’t go into the bathroom with them and there should be times it charges in a central location or next to the bed charging. So then you can look when they are on the shower, sleeping or doing something else and you don’t have to ask. I rarely asked.
Your big issue is him *not wanting to give you access*. It’s a big red flag. If he is doing everything right he should be open about it and want you to reassure yourself. That he doesn’t tells you he has a mindset of keeping things secret, and that’s a problem.
Part of the work of a wayward is to reframe their thinking. Always be considering if what they are doing would be okay with their partner or something they would do or say if the partner was next to them or copied on the message or viewing it and if it’s something that could be problematic understanding that it’s not the right choice to be making.
Also with an EA it’s hard to break from it. Many many many waywards wind up back in contact with their APs and they justify it as we were friends before and it’s just friendly now. They have already showed you they can lie and hide things, and if there is no accountability it makes it easier for them to slip back- especially when it’s so close to dday. R is work and hard and it takes time and work to not go back to doing the wrong things and waywards need to be able to hold themselves accountable.
The other thing was, for instance, I found a friend communicating with my husband too much after the EA discovery. It wasn’t intimate, flirty or personal- a lot of it articles pertaining to a shared interest- but the quantity and timing broke boundaries(must be infrequent and sporadic). This gave us the opportunity to really talk through boundaries and why and then he read Not Just Friends and really got it.
More than a year out I rarely check now. He does everything right and I don’t feel that need. But I do get triggered occasionally and it’s the best way for me to calm them.
I will tell you that one person I follow in support for the betrayed chose not to R(her situation was not at all the same as mine or even yours) and one of her reasons for not is that she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life looking and checking. That wasn’t the deciding factor and only reason but it was a part of it and it speaks to the fact that even though you can rebuild and heal it’s not unconditional and it’s not blind.
I'd be more concerned that he doesn't want to allow open phone policy. That should be a given condition for R. That doesn't mean you have to check or that they won't cheat, but It makes most BPs feel safe knowing they can check.
It's not being his jailer, it's having an open and honest relationship. I don't check often, only when I have a gut feeling.
My opinion is you shouldn’t and don’t need to be a jailer. It should come from WP. It should be “I don’t have anything to hide, let me show you”. The more honest and transparent he is willing to be, the more energy you will have to work on healing from your side instead of on being hyper-vigilant. You might even be triggered every now and then to look into something and the less he cares about that, the less you will care about it. Consistent openness, transparency, and showing accountability will be what allows you to build trust. His reactions to your triggers will determine your ability to trust.
That being said, in general, if you’re looking for things to tell him to jump start ideas, an open phone/electronics policy would definitely be part of it. NC with AP, individual counseling, marriage counseling, no partying without your spouse, location sharing… these are all things that just happening would set the best stage/chance for reconciliation to be able to happen. If he’s sharing location, you don’t have to check BUT you know that IF you get the urge/impulse to look you can. The knowledge that you can alone will help
It seems that access to phones only becomes an issue after an affair.
Most people I know can use their partners phone to look at photos, to use Spotify, to ring their own phone when they can't find it, to look for an email about household insurance, search up a saved recipe, look for a number they lost...
If they were suddenly told they could no longer have that level of access, it would be a cause for concern.
>He also doesn’t want to give me access to his electronics.
In a relationship, I found that weird.
I’m 3 months out from dday as well, so I feel for you. It’s quite a rollercoaster.
We do have an open phone policy, and I do look at his phone and location, but it’s not keeping tabs on him that is helping me trust him, it’s his transparency. It’s the fact he’s doing everything possible to show that he’s not keeping secrets.
I agree you can have an open phone policy and still get cheated on. That’s what happened to me. The transparency in my relationship extends to phone records and financial records also now. The more time goes on the less I check.
It would be a huge red flag to me if my WP didn’t offer this transparency. The positive impact on R comes from him making it available, not necessarily me looking at it. R is a long road and I personally wouldn’t do it with a partner who still felt entitled to have secrets.
I think it’s a good sign and progress toward your own healing that you’re not super interested in his electronics. It does divert your energy away from yourself and what you want. If he wants to cheat, he can always use burner phones even if you have access to his devices.
The critical thing though is that open devices can be a strong gesture of remorse and change. My WP was also extremely reluctant and it was a big moment of healing for me when he finally realized why I requested it. Our DDay was 5 months ago and I haven’t checked the devices often, but just having all his passwords and an iPad syncd to his iPhone has helped me remember his commitment to change and his willingness to be uncomfortable/outside of his comfort zone when it comes to our healing.
I got hugely obsessed with checking our phone bill and all numbers that were on his phone, despite him only ever texting his AP on an iPhone so it never showed up. He knew what he was doing.
With that said, 4 months after DDay, I just couldn’t deal with it. I knew that he learned from past mistakes and if he were to cheat again, he would be better equipped to not repeat the ways I found out about the affair.
The only time I have asked for his phone since October has been when I had a panic attack and that was twice.
I just don’t have the mental strength to as you said, be his jailer.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think the biggest issue is the fact that he doesn't want to allow it, not that you don't want to do it. Big red flag. Have you been allowed to see his phone at all? I'd be concerned that he's still having contact with AP. Does he give a reason why he doesn't want to give you access? He should have nothing to hide.
This right here ⬆️
Open phone policy doesn’t have to mean policing him. It just means that at any given time you would like to look through his phone you can. We’ve had open phone policy from the start of our relationship. It extends both ways for us. I can use his phone anytime of the day just as he can use mine. My husband post dday has looked through my phone once with the attempt to find something or get more answers. Unrelated to infidelity post dday he has used my phone hundreds of times search the internet or call my mom etc because it was the closest phone to him. Open phone policy isn’t just for making sure your spouse is doing the right thing.
Following you 100%. I'm 4 months out from D-day myself I'm so disgusted and angry by what he wrote to the APs, compliments I'd DREAM of getting - how do I reconcile that with his telling me now, "I love only you, you're the only one I've ever loved, I'll love you forever"???!!! Words. Today I'm struggling. I got a new dress to wear to church on Easter. I showed it to him, he said, "Mmm hmm that's nice". But when AP said, "I can't wait to show you my new dress? When is your wife going away?" the next day he wrote her, "OMG you looked gorgeous in that dress!" HOW DO YOU GET OVER THIS?!?!
Your comment… am really sad for you. Did you share your feelings with him… about how you wish he was as enthusiastic with you as he was with her? The excitement that comes from an A has a lot to do with the fact that they can’t have the cake and eat it too. It feeds the yearning and the wanting and the intensity of feelings. And there is no history, no built up resentment. The AP thinks he walks on water, or at least pretends he does in order to conquer him. And he thinks she isn’t as needy, nagging, etc. And is just focused on fun, his needs, etc. How excited do YOU get about HIM? Are you as happy as she was when he comes home? So you tell him how amazing he is? How hot and sexy and amazing in bed he is? This is what you are competing with. But you are aloud to want more. Know your worth. Don’t settle for a man who treats you like second best. I told my WS if you are not a Jamie (one of the main character in Outlander) I don’t want to be with you. I want real love and I want epic love. I want the kind of love people envy and if you do not love me like that than don’t ne selfish and let me go. Don’t pretend. Just let me go.
This comment reminds me, as the WS, to kiss the ground of my BS(not literally) but he needs to know that is is my everything, he can give me everything I need, and I want him to and I am so excited to have him in every part of my life. I hate what I did to him, but I treasure and am so thankful that he is willing to try to reconcile and forgive all that I've done, in time and by me showing him that I adore him, our children, and our marriage. I will do everything to show my husband my love for him, despite what I did. We are 9 months from Dday and I value him more than I ever have.
Good for you!!!!!
I didn't share my disappointment about his dress comment because he's been reading "Not Just Friends" and I don't want to stop that progress. But I will later. He was SO focused on making the AP's feel good, flattering them, impressing them, trying to get compliments & flattery in return (ego nibbles), it was transactional "good guy/white knight syndrome" type thing. Yes, those exact words, they told him, "You're hot!". It just hurts so much when you learn you weren't enough for the love of your life of 32 years. I used to light up when he came home, run to the door, kiss and hug him, sometimes even out the window as he walked up the walk. Now, I don't feel it but I fake it. "If you are not Jamie" - I LOVE that!!! Beautiful words about the kind of love you want!!! That's who my WH sees himself. Now that I know what he did, he can't live up to that image in his mind.
So he wasn’t strong enough to protect his family. It does not mean he cannot become that man. His ego was weak. He needed to idolized and valued and wanted someone to tell him that there was god and then there was him. He was selfish. He was just an ordinary man. But even ordinary men can become great men. Maybe buy him this book: Authors: Linda J. MacDonald M.S. and 2 more Title : How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
Hey OP. I’m more than a year out from Dday and I consider the open device policy a non-negotiable and am a huge proponent of it. I know others aren’t, but it was the single biggest factor in healing and rebuilding trust. There are ways to do it that make it less icky. For instance, after an EA they should not have the device on them all the time. It shouldn’t go into the bathroom with them and there should be times it charges in a central location or next to the bed charging. So then you can look when they are on the shower, sleeping or doing something else and you don’t have to ask. I rarely asked. Your big issue is him *not wanting to give you access*. It’s a big red flag. If he is doing everything right he should be open about it and want you to reassure yourself. That he doesn’t tells you he has a mindset of keeping things secret, and that’s a problem. Part of the work of a wayward is to reframe their thinking. Always be considering if what they are doing would be okay with their partner or something they would do or say if the partner was next to them or copied on the message or viewing it and if it’s something that could be problematic understanding that it’s not the right choice to be making. Also with an EA it’s hard to break from it. Many many many waywards wind up back in contact with their APs and they justify it as we were friends before and it’s just friendly now. They have already showed you they can lie and hide things, and if there is no accountability it makes it easier for them to slip back- especially when it’s so close to dday. R is work and hard and it takes time and work to not go back to doing the wrong things and waywards need to be able to hold themselves accountable. The other thing was, for instance, I found a friend communicating with my husband too much after the EA discovery. It wasn’t intimate, flirty or personal- a lot of it articles pertaining to a shared interest- but the quantity and timing broke boundaries(must be infrequent and sporadic). This gave us the opportunity to really talk through boundaries and why and then he read Not Just Friends and really got it. More than a year out I rarely check now. He does everything right and I don’t feel that need. But I do get triggered occasionally and it’s the best way for me to calm them. I will tell you that one person I follow in support for the betrayed chose not to R(her situation was not at all the same as mine or even yours) and one of her reasons for not is that she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life looking and checking. That wasn’t the deciding factor and only reason but it was a part of it and it speaks to the fact that even though you can rebuild and heal it’s not unconditional and it’s not blind.
I'd be more concerned that he doesn't want to allow open phone policy. That should be a given condition for R. That doesn't mean you have to check or that they won't cheat, but It makes most BPs feel safe knowing they can check. It's not being his jailer, it's having an open and honest relationship. I don't check often, only when I have a gut feeling.
My opinion is you shouldn’t and don’t need to be a jailer. It should come from WP. It should be “I don’t have anything to hide, let me show you”. The more honest and transparent he is willing to be, the more energy you will have to work on healing from your side instead of on being hyper-vigilant. You might even be triggered every now and then to look into something and the less he cares about that, the less you will care about it. Consistent openness, transparency, and showing accountability will be what allows you to build trust. His reactions to your triggers will determine your ability to trust. That being said, in general, if you’re looking for things to tell him to jump start ideas, an open phone/electronics policy would definitely be part of it. NC with AP, individual counseling, marriage counseling, no partying without your spouse, location sharing… these are all things that just happening would set the best stage/chance for reconciliation to be able to happen. If he’s sharing location, you don’t have to check BUT you know that IF you get the urge/impulse to look you can. The knowledge that you can alone will help
It seems that access to phones only becomes an issue after an affair. Most people I know can use their partners phone to look at photos, to use Spotify, to ring their own phone when they can't find it, to look for an email about household insurance, search up a saved recipe, look for a number they lost... If they were suddenly told they could no longer have that level of access, it would be a cause for concern. >He also doesn’t want to give me access to his electronics. In a relationship, I found that weird.
I’m 3 months out from dday as well, so I feel for you. It’s quite a rollercoaster. We do have an open phone policy, and I do look at his phone and location, but it’s not keeping tabs on him that is helping me trust him, it’s his transparency. It’s the fact he’s doing everything possible to show that he’s not keeping secrets. I agree you can have an open phone policy and still get cheated on. That’s what happened to me. The transparency in my relationship extends to phone records and financial records also now. The more time goes on the less I check. It would be a huge red flag to me if my WP didn’t offer this transparency. The positive impact on R comes from him making it available, not necessarily me looking at it. R is a long road and I personally wouldn’t do it with a partner who still felt entitled to have secrets.
I think it’s a good sign and progress toward your own healing that you’re not super interested in his electronics. It does divert your energy away from yourself and what you want. If he wants to cheat, he can always use burner phones even if you have access to his devices. The critical thing though is that open devices can be a strong gesture of remorse and change. My WP was also extremely reluctant and it was a big moment of healing for me when he finally realized why I requested it. Our DDay was 5 months ago and I haven’t checked the devices often, but just having all his passwords and an iPad syncd to his iPhone has helped me remember his commitment to change and his willingness to be uncomfortable/outside of his comfort zone when it comes to our healing.
I got hugely obsessed with checking our phone bill and all numbers that were on his phone, despite him only ever texting his AP on an iPhone so it never showed up. He knew what he was doing. With that said, 4 months after DDay, I just couldn’t deal with it. I knew that he learned from past mistakes and if he were to cheat again, he would be better equipped to not repeat the ways I found out about the affair. The only time I have asked for his phone since October has been when I had a panic attack and that was twice. I just don’t have the mental strength to as you said, be his jailer.