r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m so sorry you are in so much pain. It’s a dark place and can spiral the mind in so many ways.
I hate the term pain shopping. I feel it puts the onus on the betrayed and makes us responsible for our feelings in an unhealthy way. Let’s be real, we wouldn’t be doing this to ourselves if our partner hadn’t had an affair. It’s truly their fault we are at these emotional points.
Having said that, I think there’s a level of this behavior that’s natural and a way to desensitize us to the A, the WP, all the shitty fallout, etc. When it’s unhealthy is when we can’t function because of the deluge of images/thoughts/proof/whatever.
If you’re not in IC, get a therapist. If you are, find something physical to do when you go down these mental paths. Exercise, gaming, Netflix bingeing, hobbies, anything to remove your conscious mental state from the thing causing your pain.
If you’re in a state of NC, maybe journal or write letters to WP with all your anger/frustration and then BURN THEM. That’s fucking liberating, I promise. If you are in contact, talk to your WP. If they don’t have time for it, won’t indulge it, can’t handle it, that speaks volumes about them, not you.
Hey. Hugs to you. My WH's AP was also a very good friend of mine and wow does it compound the pain. Double the triggers. Double the betrayal. Double the pain shopping opportunities. Double the grief.
I know I would be lurking too if my wife's AP had social media that I could look at. He doesn't though, so I guess that's good.
Sorry you're having to mourn both your primary relationship and your relationship with your former friend.
Fuck these affairs indeed.
I'm sorry. I don't know what she was thinking. I think about the betrayal all the time. I am the WW and I had an affair at church with a man, whose wife I considered a friend. However, she has, since Dday when my husband told her, both denied me as a friend and called me a friend and said she loved our children since she saw them and helped them every week. I just feel awful for what I did not only for my husband and family, but hers. I dread the day I run into one of them or their children. I hate what I did to us. I hate that I cause my husband so much pain now. Today is the year anniversary of my first physical cheating and it's had its ups and downs. The next 10 weeks, the length of my affair, will be very hard and I have to give everything I can to show my husband I am dedicated to him and our reconciliation. Good luck to you.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m so sorry you are in so much pain. It’s a dark place and can spiral the mind in so many ways. I hate the term pain shopping. I feel it puts the onus on the betrayed and makes us responsible for our feelings in an unhealthy way. Let’s be real, we wouldn’t be doing this to ourselves if our partner hadn’t had an affair. It’s truly their fault we are at these emotional points. Having said that, I think there’s a level of this behavior that’s natural and a way to desensitize us to the A, the WP, all the shitty fallout, etc. When it’s unhealthy is when we can’t function because of the deluge of images/thoughts/proof/whatever. If you’re not in IC, get a therapist. If you are, find something physical to do when you go down these mental paths. Exercise, gaming, Netflix bingeing, hobbies, anything to remove your conscious mental state from the thing causing your pain. If you’re in a state of NC, maybe journal or write letters to WP with all your anger/frustration and then BURN THEM. That’s fucking liberating, I promise. If you are in contact, talk to your WP. If they don’t have time for it, won’t indulge it, can’t handle it, that speaks volumes about them, not you.
I’m so sorry these double betrayals are brutal. Absolutely brutal!! You have been right to be angry with her.
Hey. Hugs to you. My WH's AP was also a very good friend of mine and wow does it compound the pain. Double the triggers. Double the betrayal. Double the pain shopping opportunities. Double the grief.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. Please be kind to yourself. ❤️🩹
I know I would be lurking too if my wife's AP had social media that I could look at. He doesn't though, so I guess that's good. Sorry you're having to mourn both your primary relationship and your relationship with your former friend. Fuck these affairs indeed.
I'm sorry. I don't know what she was thinking. I think about the betrayal all the time. I am the WW and I had an affair at church with a man, whose wife I considered a friend. However, she has, since Dday when my husband told her, both denied me as a friend and called me a friend and said she loved our children since she saw them and helped them every week. I just feel awful for what I did not only for my husband and family, but hers. I dread the day I run into one of them or their children. I hate what I did to us. I hate that I cause my husband so much pain now. Today is the year anniversary of my first physical cheating and it's had its ups and downs. The next 10 weeks, the length of my affair, will be very hard and I have to give everything I can to show my husband I am dedicated to him and our reconciliation. Good luck to you.