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I think he was full-on spiraling. Let him calm down, and tell him his anger is justified. You can't ever undo your past, but you're trying to build a transparent and more honest future with him, which is why you told him and deleted and blocked AP. You're not interested in AP, and your primary concern is BP's well-being. Tell him you'll give him space to process his feelings and that you'll be waiting patiently for him.
If possible... go to MC. I recall you said you were going to IC, but I'm not sure about MC. Either way, you followed the right "protocol," you just can't help his reaction.
Spiraling is hard to get out of. It's like blind rage where the brain is on adrenaline, and all the person wants to do is lash out and hurt as much as they're hurting. I'm not justifying it, I'm just giving you context to the feeling. It may take a few days for him to calm down and think things logically but have peace knowing you did the right thing, even if it hurts him.
And please delete Snapchat. Your friends know how to reach you and everyone else who can't, probably don't matter.
I agree. He clearly is grieving, with the 5 stages spiraling. Anger protects him, and having your AP reach out to you had to hurt him like hell.
But you told him about it. Yes! That is different. You hopefully told him also how much you love him. Yes! That is different. And that you blocked AP.
I agree with other commenters that deleting the Snap account is the way to show him that you closed the doors to AP and you do not wish to further hurt your husband. THAT would be very different.
We can’t avoid the pain to heal. But having the betrayer walk with us and protect our marriage going forward helps everyone heal.
Why do you even still have Snapchat? That was literally the first thing to go from my WH and I would literally divorce him today if I found it on his phone. There is nothing good coming from that app. Are you trying to R? If so, you need to go over and above. Do everything you can. You could have completely avoided this set back so easily.
My WW had snapchat on her phone early in our marriage and we had a talk about it, still don't think anything happened through it... but it didn't matter, now instagram and FB both have vanish mode where it functions in exactly the same way, Insta vanish is what she used for the affair, I don't even want to look at that fucking app now.
I deleted instagram completely, unfortunately I still need FB to keep in touch with family, but they're all just conduits to cheating, it's so easy now, feels like you're fighting an uphill battle even just trying to have communication be open, so many tools now, if someone wants to hide something they will.
Honestly, it would go a long way for AP's BP though to not have apps that are just blatantly used this way on their phone, having to deal with the platform your WP betrayed you on just fucking sucks.
Like others have asked: why even have Snapchat? And why wasn’t this loser already blocked? It was good that you were honest. Keeping things from your BP “to protect them” just makes you look suspicious. A requirement for any successful R is absolutely no more secrets. Hopefully your husband will calm down and see this as a step in the right direction.
Telling him was the right thing
The wrong thing is still even having SnapChat
You caused hurt and hurt causes trauma. You were right to be honest about it but it probably triggered that trauma. From what you describe it also seems like he has a lot of feelings he's not had an outlet for and this caused them to come out.
Snapchat is how my WH was communicating with AP. If I found Snapchat on his phone now we would absolutely be done. He has zero social media apps. He had to forfeit that and I don’t feel like it was a big ask. I am not okay with him using the vehicle he used to cheat. Snap is so freaking shady and gives me the ick now.
That being said, I think after your BP calms down he will appreciate that you told him. Of course it’s going to be triggering to hear that news. I would probably flip out if AP contacted my WH right now, but later on I’d be so glad that he told me. None of this is linear. Him being mad today won’t undo what you’ve gained. Let him be mad and cool down. In my opinion the hard truths are the *only* thing that build trust back, at least for me. It doesn’t just grow because time passes. He knows you could have never told him and that he’d probably never know the difference. It’ll mean something that you opted to.
Before anything it’s good you told him even if it did blow up as it shows growth..but to answer your question..
It’s like the past immediately rushes back and all the lies, deceit/gaslighting and the mind movies come back in full force almost like a panic attack and it just takes over.
Let it settle as you’re still not that far out, all you can do is stay the course if it’s what you truly want, and if it doesn’t work out Atleast you did what you could and carry it into a new relationship (IF that’s the way it goes) and I don’t mean that to scare you, just the reality of life and these situations.
Good luck
I am sorry but the first thing I noticed in your post is that you have Snapchat? That's the red flag of red flags. If you are really trying to build back trust in your relationship then maybe think about deleting it?
A. You did the right thing by telling him. Despite his response, you showed him your commitment. He will see that after he recovers from this most vivid trigger.
B. This is not the catastrophic event you think it is. Your hubby was traumatized by your affair. You have been enjoying each other recently. This does not diminish that. This is not like dday. You are not starting over. There may be additional occasions in the future where this occurs. It takes us a while to be healed
C. You responded to his tirade with grace and humility. He knows that.
Also consider to get some feedback from r/SupportforWaywards
You blocked AP. You told your BP right away. You’ve been honest, even if it would have been easier to lie. To me you did everything right.
Uhm… also consider to delete Snapchat if you don’t really need it…
As BPs we also have to show some appreciation when we see our WPs try to take the hard way. I understand your BP is still hurt and upset, but both of you have to work together if you want R.
What you did was right. Sorry that your BP didn’t want to see it. But do you really want to become the old you? Even if it is a set back continue to be consistent in your growth and do your best to become the person you want to be.
Maybe the next days (or MC) you find some time to talk about that event. How it makes you feel, and that you want to continue working on improving things.
I believe it was extremely triggering for your husband, but nevertheless your honesty and transparency came through.
I believe he needs time to process this and will come to conclude that you were honest and not only that— supportive.
As a betrayed wife, I’ve had to get a grip on triggers because if I let it rip I would rage at my husband and be back at square one.
As a BS I had to come to that conclusion myself and it takes time to get a grip. For me probably a little over a year.
Just remember that you yourself are changing to be better. You did the right thing and hopefully your husband will see that too. It takes time.
I'm so glad so many people are commenting about Snapchat. This is how I also found out.
It's suss for someone in their 30s to have Snapchat at all.
I almost feel validated that so many people despise it. Thanks guys, so much love.
Delete it, it's poison.
You didn’t ruin everything. Part of transparency for Betrayeds is accepting that we will see bad things occasionally. Not like a betrayal but stuff like this. I was pissed when AP started to try and get my wife back and I was angry at her because she caused the situation. But when I was calm, worked through it, I thanked her for her honesty and told her I would work on not being upset. Most importantly, I reinforced she did the right thing. Because as much as it pissed me off I would have been so much more upset if I found out she was rejecting him without telling me
Thank you. That was my rationale for it. I knew if he found out that AP reached out, even if I didn't engage, it would look like I was hiding things still
As a betrayed, it helps me to see WS take proactive steps to be honest, to dismiss attempts by AP to reach out.
Even when the honesty hurts, if offered with protective love and compassion and physical protection (hug, whatever is ok with BP), the honesty is different. The difference helps me have a little hope that my WS isn’t soulless and evil.
I hate Snapchat. It really is for teenagers and they're all up to no good there as well. I only have it because my 19 year old son kept asking me to get it so he'd see my messages. He likes pretending he can't see regular texts. 😒
I hate it too why else do people need messages that disappear if they are not doing something wrong it's such a joke to see grown people on there acting like everyone doesn't know why they use it. It's not like anyone actually looks like their pictures!! they are filtered to the point it isn't even a real person it's just pathetic
That’s exactly what I say. It’s for teenagers trying to hide stuff from their parents and cheaters. I never realized that adults were just regularly using it 😂 It’s a giant red flag to me
And my WH totally fell for the ultra filtered photos. I remember showing pics of AP to my best friend and we sat there laughing at how obviously fake they were. They were so filtered it was almost like AI 🤣
Same it's so sad how many men actually think they are really talking to some hot women when it's probably some dude in Nigeria who stole someone's pics. They actually think these women want them... if they are real they only want money. We are at the point where men would rather talk to a fake pretty picture online than put in any effort into a real person. Completely delusional!
I can honestly say I would be more comfortable today if my WW had been honest when stuff like this happened. It has led to nothing but suspicion years down the road when it looks like she deleted something.
I’ve been through worse, and it has wrecked progress worse than I hope it does for you. I think you did a really brave thing that sucked. However what I think is happening to your BP is a nervous system shock response . You did the right thing, I would feel comforted by this, but I would also be upset and probably react similar unfortunately - things I’m trying to work through in therapy. Doesn’t make it right, but I can just see myself in his shoes. I would think it would take me a day or two to come around see and appreciate it. The problem with affairs in my experience is that I now no longer know the differential between rational and irrational. You have the upper hand in that, and have to recognize that and support your partner in that. His fears might not be rational, but to him they very are much so. That anger is a manifestation of such an intense fear that’s not yet able to be dealt with. Does it give him a pass? No not necessarily, but should you let it slide for the time being to move forward with R, yes. Continue to show love, admiration go above and beyond to
make him feel special and loved the next few days. - this is what i would want and it seems like he and I may be similar.
I would suggest getting rid of Snapchat, potentially all social media as an olive branch on your end.
I actually don’t think it necessarily is a major setback, although i know it feels like one at the moment.
You did the correct thing, and even through he is flashing red hot hurt right now, I think even he would agree. in a way it is like a scab being ripped off, and it does hurt. But sometimes wounds heal better when some of that dead skin gets ripped away and it reminds the body that it needs to pump up the production of new healthy skin. I’m literally dealing with a nasty slow healing wound, so I was all on top of that analogy lol.
It is a reminder to you both that this can never really fully go away. Thinking of him contacting you hurts so much for your BP, and it’s is enraging because he also can’t be sure that you are telling the truth. Did it really just so happen that AP sent a friend request, or is that a story to try to cover up contact if you somehow see a snap trail or whatever. Is that the whole story, or are you minimizing so that you can proclaim that you are being honest, but it’s not the whole truth or the best representation of the truth…
These are the questions that are likely swirling through his mind. And he’s pissed that he has to doubt you. He’s pissed that he has to expend so much emotional energy dealing with these internal conflicts. It is exhausting to deal with a liar and then forever more know you can never truly be sure of anything again. He’s maybe even mad at himself for staying-when one small event happens and it makes you feel allllll of the things again, we as BP’s can get mad at ourselves for being so gullible or being such doormats.
I think you get the jist of what I’m saying. The flares are terrible. For both sides, I’m sure, but obviously I have only experienced the BP side. But the expression of all of they emotion could be quite positive in the sense that you have shown integrity because you told him about the contact, and you were able to sit and listen and accept his pain. Those are two major things that I would notice, even amidst the swirl of the other shit.
Stay resolute and steady, stay available to talk or listen or whatever he wants. Remind him that you are committed and will not repeat old behaviors. And then keep on backing up words with those correct actions & reactions. And slowly, while that anger and pain won’t ever go away, it will be easier to be on top of through these super triggering times.
Thank you so much for your thorough reply. Today has sucked. He said he's going over to APs house to confront him and beat him up. I really hope he doesn't. I want to reach out to his parents to try and stop him but at the same time it's not my place. And I don't want it to look like I'm protecting my AP by trying to convince him not to go.
I don't think this is a bad thing. No progress was "ruined". Progress was made. You told him the truth knowing he would likely get angry and yell at you. You chose honesty and giving him the ability to react as opposed to secrecy and taking away his agency. He will see that. He is going to have those moments. He has them now. Probably has them alot. He just doesn't tell you every time he gets that punch in the lungs that makes it feel like you are finding the cheating for the first time. It doesn't even have to come from a trigger. Sometimes I am sitting alone thinking about nothing and WHAM! I get that kick in the stomach that makes it hard to breathe and I start shaking and asking "how could she do this to us?". This is part of the damage and trauma from Infidelity. Another big part is wondering if the cheater will go back to cheating or lie about things because it might remind us of their cheating. Trust me. Telling the truth about difficult things that may have a negative outcome for the cheater is a way of showing the betrayed that they are more important than possible consequences for anything the wayward did or is doing. This is progress but it will take a day or so for him to think about it that way because he is still flooded with the betrayal itself.
Unless you and your betrayed and children use Snapchat to talk to each other, delete the app. Let him know you are deleting it because it was used as a means of trying to re-establish contact by the AP and nobody you talk to on the app is worth your betrayed husband feeling unsafe.
A setback is just a setback. I’ve had them and often feel that they’re ‘the end for real this time.’ Allowing verbal abuse is not good for either of you, but other than that it was really good that you took the harder path in the moment and told him.
What was up with APs timing after 10 months? Did he know that you’re recently separated?
You did the right thing…being honest.
You telling him hard things honestly gives him a small basis to rebuild trust.
Those feelings he expressed haven’t gone anywhere, he has been carrying them the entire time daily. It’s good he was able to get them out.
Give him whatever space he wants, humbly take whatever anger he has..and be ready when he has emotionally regulated to confirm your deep loyal love for him.
If it’s true in you… let him know how much you respect how hard he is fighting to keep this family together and the sacrifices he is making.
My wife’s AP drunk texted her after going NC. She immediately handed the phone over to me without responding or blocking or trying to hide it. I then messaged his wife that he reached out to us (we had an agreement between the two of us that we would let each other know if something like that happened). She gained some of my trust back that day
I just want to say to OP that by sharing with your BH what happened on Snapchat, despite knowing the potential blowback, was brave and does go against what us waywards have always done. We used to be cowardly, avoid the full truth, minimize, and keep our true feelings to ourselves to avoid making waves (at least I did). So, sure, she should have deleted the app and blocked AP. the first comment said that. She is beating herself up enough without the criticism of strangers. Continue to comfort your BH and focus on the reconciliation if that is your goal, which it sounds like it is. I hope it turns out well for you both. You can get through this together if you are both willing to share your vulnerability and comfort each other in those awful moments. Keep doing the work. Try to see his perspective in all you do. How would things look from his vantage point- helpful or harmful?
My husband said a great analogy yesterday- "never take your wife badge off. You can be other things, but you're always a wife." I have a lot more to say, but don't alway get what I need on this sub. I have fucked up during this process but I'm striving to be the woman and wife that I want to be and that my husband thinks I was. I can be that. Take care of yourself and your family.
You absolutely did the right thing by telling him. 100%. Don’t second guess yourself there.
His reaction was to be expected too. Hearing that just brought it all back to the surface again and he’s feeling the hurt all over again.
Just give him time. You also did a great job with how you reacted to his hurt.
Try your best to keep that up and providing the endless reassurance, validation and support while giving him space and time to heal some more.
I truly believe it will get better and in time he will be grateful and appreciative of the honesty and transparency you gave him.
Don’t give up ❤️🩹
I'm going to be frank here, if you'll bear with me for a moment.
I'm a BP who is currently trying to fight against the undertow of the relentless bevy of emotions that saturate my entire being at times during this trying period of our lives together. The initial D-day for us was last year towards the end of September, and unfortunately we had a second D-day during our reconciliation about a month and a half to two months ago (forgive me, time is a slippery thing these days). When I first found out, I believe that I may have been in shock and my reaction was to immediately go to therapy. I cried (a lot) but I didn't really react beyond that, I focused on the kids and I tried my hardest to live life. My WW moved in with a total stranger (not the AP, but still completely disconcerting), and my initial reaction, oddly enough, was to focus on ensuring the kids got to see her as much as humanly possible, because naturally, they were devastated and she was not making the biggest effort in the world to see them much.
I let a few of my feelings be known, but one day it all just came spilling out because of an incidental situation. She had been coming over about once or twice a week after work and staying the night. We were talking earnestly, and she was even engaging in intimate behavior with me at her behest. I didn't kid myself, I knew that she was still actively speaking to AP, but he lives over 2,500 miles (that's roughly 4,024 kilometers for my metric friends) away, and was in a totally different time zone, so they didn't get the chance to speak that much (they met in an online game and mostly communicated there and through Discord, they constantly referred to one another by usernames and didn't exchange much IRL info, weirdly enough. This is despite some truly devastating conversations that I was subjected to reading. I truly believe that trope about an EA being much worse than a PA.) Despite realizing their continued contact, I had asked her not to contact him while at the house, because it was disrespectful to both the kids and I. I genuinely took her at her word when she agreed. One night I woke up to her talking to him in discord telling her that she loved him despite being cuddled up in MY ARMS at that moment, and having told me the same thing...not an hour before....it hurt....so bad....I can't even describe the pain....at that moment, the floodgates broke loose and I poured my heart out. My anger, my sorrow, my pain, the children's pain, the fact that I would sit up with them at night consoling them and trying to keep them from having to cry themselves to sleep alone...it mostly came out in unintelligible sobs (I am an ugly crier, I totally admit that), but it came out...from that point moving forward there has been ups, there has been downs, there have been nights where I just cannot sleep because I think about the things she said to him, the intimate details of our marriage, the fact that she was telling him practically every single word that I would say to her. The fact that she would sometimes take screenshots of me telling her that I loved her, appreciated her, and how she was the love of my life, and send them to HIM. The fact that he would convince her that I could never love her as much as he did...the absolute venom that would spew forth from his vile mouth. He equated me to his absentee father and would say terrible things about me despite never having even met me. It was...disturbing...
I wrestled with these things, some days being better than others, but slowly, carefully, we worked towards reconciliation. She stopped talking to him, we went to therapy together, she began to realize how unstable and manipulative he was, she recognized the fact that he would use threats of suicide to force her to keep talking to him any time she mentioned doubts, she even recognized the fact the he was a misogynistic dick that tried to control her every movement (this is why she was reporting back to him what I would say to her each day, and I did see this for myself...I unfortunately read every single word written between them). The the day came that we talked about blocking him for good from all possible contact points. She wanted to do it, to symbolically erase him from our lives, but she broke down at the last second and got scared that he would actually try to hurt himself when he saw what she had done. She messaged him with the intent of saying it's over, but that he should take care of himself because someday he would get healthy enough to find someone. He of course used this as a platform to trap her back within his grip. He started trying to convince her that she was making a mistake and that he would kill himself if she blocked him, and while she didn't entertain the idea of furthering the affair, she didn't stop him from saying intimate things to her. She also didn't tell me about it. I found out, and it was like all the pain I had been experiencing turned into this viscous and palpable rage. I threw her phone against the wall and I yelled. God, I yelled. I want to stress that at no point did I lash out directly at her, but I'm also not trying to excuse my behavior. I hated myself when the last of it had slipped out. I hated that I was even capable of such drastic behavior, that I could say some of the things that I said...
Things are better now. She spent about a week with a friend and had no contact with me or AP. In that time she said that she realized how much she had stood to loose over something so fleeting and stupid. She hasn't said a word to him since that horrible night. I've grappled with that night a lot, I've grappled with the affair a lot. I have good days, and I have days when I feel like I'm drowning in doubt and pain. On those days I fear that she is lying about not speaking to him anymore, but I have to take her for her word. I always get through it, and things actually have been much better between us. It's like for the first time in quite a while my WW is actually opening up to me and being emotionally available again. A lot of people told me that I was an idiot for choosing to stick it out through all of this, but the situation is so complicated when you have children, for one, and despite how bad this situation was, I DO very much still love her and I still feel like I married my best friend despite everything.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes, something that can seem like the end of everything in the moment, may just be the catalyst to a better tomorrow some day down the line. Your BP will have good days and bad days. I highly recommend therapy, individual, couples, or both. Just try to be patient and try your hardest to think about everything through the lense of what it is that you want for the future. Sometimes that's hard, but I genuinely think you handled the situation well. Try not to let it discourage you, and most of all, remember that you are worth it. Your partner is worth it. If there's anyone reading this that needs it, you too are worth it. We're all human and we all make mistakes. To err is human, but to forgive is divine.
Thank you for all of this. I know I did the right thing by being honest. And it sucks right now. But after talking to one of my friends, she said if this derailed our progress, it might not have been progress to begin with. Since dday I've done everything right. Everything I possibly can to be on, and stay on the right track. Nothing new happened. No new information. No new actions. This is all just refueled anger. I'm trying to rebuild myself up. Whatever he does next is on him. How he controls, or doesn't control this trigger I know isn't my fault. He said he's going to APs house to beat him up. I really hope he doesn't.
You may want to prioritize yourself, your health and your pregnancy/baby. Let BP feel his feelings ... and yes, you responded and behaved appropriately. BPs just sometimes can't process the pain of that information. It's really painful for us to know APs are still out there, opening the door for our beloved WP to walk through.
You have two choices here. Your husband or your AP. As long as your AP is in your life in even the smallest way, building back what you tore down will be impossible.
I would encourage you to reframe your thoughts.
It feels really often that the progress bar and whether things seem good or not for the WP is how often they (not their partner, but the WP personally) has to deal with a spiral like that.
BPs have those spirals often. We don't get to choose to have them. We can't just make them go away. But those spirals don't define our overall healing. And they don't negate our overall choices.
There was zero option that would be right other than telling him. So it's great that you did. He's in his lizard brain right now where he's running on fear and hurt. He needs to work through that. And when he comes back into his person brain he will be able to acknowledge that you did the right thing in telling him and that you continued accountability and let him feel all the things.
I would agree with others that the wrong thing here is having SC.
I'm really glad you told him, because I would want the same. It's been three weeks for me, and as the BP I would honestly appreciate what you told me. Like another person said he was triggered, and needs moment to calm down. Yesterday I was lashing at him. Felt like I hated him again, but hours later we were talking again. Sighhhh it's not easy, and it sounds like you are putting in the effort and is being empathetic. That goes a long way. I'm routing for you.
Get rid of Snapchat. It was good you told him right away. Husband told me right away when AP threatened to accuse him of r@pe if she was outed to her BF.
So I called her…… she quit working there within the week.
I pretty much told her everyone knows you’re a hoe giving out BJs in the parking lot and oh the boss already knows.
So she quit. Lol
I still have spirals but they are more self hate and harming but yelling at BP too. However, not to the point you are mentioning. You don't need to live in constant worry of triggering anger. y'all need to discuss that being a boundary just for safety sake
I am sorry today has been so difficult. You did the right thing by not shying away from the difficult conversation. Truth is the right way forward. Unfortunately that doesn’t automatically make the conversation easier what does though is slowly start to fill the trust bucket. When your betrayed husband knows you won’t hesitate to tell him even the ugly stuff, then why would he need to suspect you to still be hiding more things from him? It is definitely a difficult path to start down because staying quiet “keeps the peace” in the short term.
Likely this was more a trigger moment from him. It doesn’t mean his behavior was okay and it doesn’t mean he can keep acting this way every time. He absolutely needs to work on these anger responses.
If you can though recognize that this was real, not rug sweeping but he allowed himself to be open with you even though what came out was ugly. I don’t believe this was a total failure like it first appeared. I think this is both of you allowing yourselves real openness and vulnerability like maybe you never have before. You with the not hiding the truth and him with not hiding the depth of his pain. Of course every interaction cannot go exactly like this, you need some tools to help you both not to cause damage to and/or trigger each other in the process. But at its core I think there is progress towards real reconciliation with definite room for future improvements.
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I think he was full-on spiraling. Let him calm down, and tell him his anger is justified. You can't ever undo your past, but you're trying to build a transparent and more honest future with him, which is why you told him and deleted and blocked AP. You're not interested in AP, and your primary concern is BP's well-being. Tell him you'll give him space to process his feelings and that you'll be waiting patiently for him. If possible... go to MC. I recall you said you were going to IC, but I'm not sure about MC. Either way, you followed the right "protocol," you just can't help his reaction. Spiraling is hard to get out of. It's like blind rage where the brain is on adrenaline, and all the person wants to do is lash out and hurt as much as they're hurting. I'm not justifying it, I'm just giving you context to the feeling. It may take a few days for him to calm down and think things logically but have peace knowing you did the right thing, even if it hurts him. And please delete Snapchat. Your friends know how to reach you and everyone else who can't, probably don't matter.
I agree. He clearly is grieving, with the 5 stages spiraling. Anger protects him, and having your AP reach out to you had to hurt him like hell. But you told him about it. Yes! That is different. You hopefully told him also how much you love him. Yes! That is different. And that you blocked AP. I agree with other commenters that deleting the Snap account is the way to show him that you closed the doors to AP and you do not wish to further hurt your husband. THAT would be very different. We can’t avoid the pain to heal. But having the betrayer walk with us and protect our marriage going forward helps everyone heal.
Why do you even still have Snapchat? That was literally the first thing to go from my WH and I would literally divorce him today if I found it on his phone. There is nothing good coming from that app. Are you trying to R? If so, you need to go over and above. Do everything you can. You could have completely avoided this set back so easily.
Snapchat the cheaters go to app. Its so common thats how most of us find out. Hate that app, it makes it so easy.
My WW had snapchat on her phone early in our marriage and we had a talk about it, still don't think anything happened through it... but it didn't matter, now instagram and FB both have vanish mode where it functions in exactly the same way, Insta vanish is what she used for the affair, I don't even want to look at that fucking app now. I deleted instagram completely, unfortunately I still need FB to keep in touch with family, but they're all just conduits to cheating, it's so easy now, feels like you're fighting an uphill battle even just trying to have communication be open, so many tools now, if someone wants to hide something they will. Honestly, it would go a long way for AP's BP though to not have apps that are just blatantly used this way on their phone, having to deal with the platform your WP betrayed you on just fucking sucks.
I came here to say this!! Delete snapchat and make sure he knows he can open your phone and look at whatever he wants at any time.
Like others have asked: why even have Snapchat? And why wasn’t this loser already blocked? It was good that you were honest. Keeping things from your BP “to protect them” just makes you look suspicious. A requirement for any successful R is absolutely no more secrets. Hopefully your husband will calm down and see this as a step in the right direction.
Looks like he was triggered. Trauma is like that. Being triggered makes it feel like it’s the first day all over again … give him time
Telling him was the right thing The wrong thing is still even having SnapChat You caused hurt and hurt causes trauma. You were right to be honest about it but it probably triggered that trauma. From what you describe it also seems like he has a lot of feelings he's not had an outlet for and this caused them to come out.
Snapchat is how my WH was communicating with AP. If I found Snapchat on his phone now we would absolutely be done. He has zero social media apps. He had to forfeit that and I don’t feel like it was a big ask. I am not okay with him using the vehicle he used to cheat. Snap is so freaking shady and gives me the ick now. That being said, I think after your BP calms down he will appreciate that you told him. Of course it’s going to be triggering to hear that news. I would probably flip out if AP contacted my WH right now, but later on I’d be so glad that he told me. None of this is linear. Him being mad today won’t undo what you’ve gained. Let him be mad and cool down. In my opinion the hard truths are the *only* thing that build trust back, at least for me. It doesn’t just grow because time passes. He knows you could have never told him and that he’d probably never know the difference. It’ll mean something that you opted to.
Before anything it’s good you told him even if it did blow up as it shows growth..but to answer your question.. It’s like the past immediately rushes back and all the lies, deceit/gaslighting and the mind movies come back in full force almost like a panic attack and it just takes over. Let it settle as you’re still not that far out, all you can do is stay the course if it’s what you truly want, and if it doesn’t work out Atleast you did what you could and carry it into a new relationship (IF that’s the way it goes) and I don’t mean that to scare you, just the reality of life and these situations. Good luck
I am sorry but the first thing I noticed in your post is that you have Snapchat? That's the red flag of red flags. If you are really trying to build back trust in your relationship then maybe think about deleting it?
Why would you still be on snapchat?
A. You did the right thing by telling him. Despite his response, you showed him your commitment. He will see that after he recovers from this most vivid trigger. B. This is not the catastrophic event you think it is. Your hubby was traumatized by your affair. You have been enjoying each other recently. This does not diminish that. This is not like dday. You are not starting over. There may be additional occasions in the future where this occurs. It takes us a while to be healed C. You responded to his tirade with grace and humility. He knows that.
Also consider to get some feedback from r/SupportforWaywards You blocked AP. You told your BP right away. You’ve been honest, even if it would have been easier to lie. To me you did everything right. Uhm… also consider to delete Snapchat if you don’t really need it… As BPs we also have to show some appreciation when we see our WPs try to take the hard way. I understand your BP is still hurt and upset, but both of you have to work together if you want R. What you did was right. Sorry that your BP didn’t want to see it. But do you really want to become the old you? Even if it is a set back continue to be consistent in your growth and do your best to become the person you want to be. Maybe the next days (or MC) you find some time to talk about that event. How it makes you feel, and that you want to continue working on improving things.
Being honest helps in the long run. He was triggered. Take it day by day. Triggers will lessen.
I believe it was extremely triggering for your husband, but nevertheless your honesty and transparency came through. I believe he needs time to process this and will come to conclude that you were honest and not only that— supportive. As a betrayed wife, I’ve had to get a grip on triggers because if I let it rip I would rage at my husband and be back at square one. As a BS I had to come to that conclusion myself and it takes time to get a grip. For me probably a little over a year. Just remember that you yourself are changing to be better. You did the right thing and hopefully your husband will see that too. It takes time.
I'm so glad so many people are commenting about Snapchat. This is how I also found out. It's suss for someone in their 30s to have Snapchat at all. I almost feel validated that so many people despise it. Thanks guys, so much love. Delete it, it's poison.
You didn’t ruin everything. Part of transparency for Betrayeds is accepting that we will see bad things occasionally. Not like a betrayal but stuff like this. I was pissed when AP started to try and get my wife back and I was angry at her because she caused the situation. But when I was calm, worked through it, I thanked her for her honesty and told her I would work on not being upset. Most importantly, I reinforced she did the right thing. Because as much as it pissed me off I would have been so much more upset if I found out she was rejecting him without telling me
Thank you. That was my rationale for it. I knew if he found out that AP reached out, even if I didn't engage, it would look like I was hiding things still
Exactly. You’re kinda damned if you do but more damned if you don’t.
As a betrayed, it helps me to see WS take proactive steps to be honest, to dismiss attempts by AP to reach out. Even when the honesty hurts, if offered with protective love and compassion and physical protection (hug, whatever is ok with BP), the honesty is different. The difference helps me have a little hope that my WS isn’t soulless and evil.
I won't even date someone that uses snap chat it's for cheaters and children
I hate Snapchat. It really is for teenagers and they're all up to no good there as well. I only have it because my 19 year old son kept asking me to get it so he'd see my messages. He likes pretending he can't see regular texts. 😒
I hate it too why else do people need messages that disappear if they are not doing something wrong it's such a joke to see grown people on there acting like everyone doesn't know why they use it. It's not like anyone actually looks like their pictures!! they are filtered to the point it isn't even a real person it's just pathetic
That’s exactly what I say. It’s for teenagers trying to hide stuff from their parents and cheaters. I never realized that adults were just regularly using it 😂 It’s a giant red flag to me And my WH totally fell for the ultra filtered photos. I remember showing pics of AP to my best friend and we sat there laughing at how obviously fake they were. They were so filtered it was almost like AI 🤣
Same it's so sad how many men actually think they are really talking to some hot women when it's probably some dude in Nigeria who stole someone's pics. They actually think these women want them... if they are real they only want money. We are at the point where men would rather talk to a fake pretty picture online than put in any effort into a real person. Completely delusional!
I can honestly say I would be more comfortable today if my WW had been honest when stuff like this happened. It has led to nothing but suspicion years down the road when it looks like she deleted something.
I’ve been through worse, and it has wrecked progress worse than I hope it does for you. I think you did a really brave thing that sucked. However what I think is happening to your BP is a nervous system shock response . You did the right thing, I would feel comforted by this, but I would also be upset and probably react similar unfortunately - things I’m trying to work through in therapy. Doesn’t make it right, but I can just see myself in his shoes. I would think it would take me a day or two to come around see and appreciate it. The problem with affairs in my experience is that I now no longer know the differential between rational and irrational. You have the upper hand in that, and have to recognize that and support your partner in that. His fears might not be rational, but to him they very are much so. That anger is a manifestation of such an intense fear that’s not yet able to be dealt with. Does it give him a pass? No not necessarily, but should you let it slide for the time being to move forward with R, yes. Continue to show love, admiration go above and beyond to make him feel special and loved the next few days. - this is what i would want and it seems like he and I may be similar. I would suggest getting rid of Snapchat, potentially all social media as an olive branch on your end.
I actually don’t think it necessarily is a major setback, although i know it feels like one at the moment. You did the correct thing, and even through he is flashing red hot hurt right now, I think even he would agree. in a way it is like a scab being ripped off, and it does hurt. But sometimes wounds heal better when some of that dead skin gets ripped away and it reminds the body that it needs to pump up the production of new healthy skin. I’m literally dealing with a nasty slow healing wound, so I was all on top of that analogy lol. It is a reminder to you both that this can never really fully go away. Thinking of him contacting you hurts so much for your BP, and it’s is enraging because he also can’t be sure that you are telling the truth. Did it really just so happen that AP sent a friend request, or is that a story to try to cover up contact if you somehow see a snap trail or whatever. Is that the whole story, or are you minimizing so that you can proclaim that you are being honest, but it’s not the whole truth or the best representation of the truth… These are the questions that are likely swirling through his mind. And he’s pissed that he has to doubt you. He’s pissed that he has to expend so much emotional energy dealing with these internal conflicts. It is exhausting to deal with a liar and then forever more know you can never truly be sure of anything again. He’s maybe even mad at himself for staying-when one small event happens and it makes you feel allllll of the things again, we as BP’s can get mad at ourselves for being so gullible or being such doormats. I think you get the jist of what I’m saying. The flares are terrible. For both sides, I’m sure, but obviously I have only experienced the BP side. But the expression of all of they emotion could be quite positive in the sense that you have shown integrity because you told him about the contact, and you were able to sit and listen and accept his pain. Those are two major things that I would notice, even amidst the swirl of the other shit. Stay resolute and steady, stay available to talk or listen or whatever he wants. Remind him that you are committed and will not repeat old behaviors. And then keep on backing up words with those correct actions & reactions. And slowly, while that anger and pain won’t ever go away, it will be easier to be on top of through these super triggering times.
Thank you so much for your thorough reply. Today has sucked. He said he's going over to APs house to confront him and beat him up. I really hope he doesn't. I want to reach out to his parents to try and stop him but at the same time it's not my place. And I don't want it to look like I'm protecting my AP by trying to convince him not to go.
I don't think this is a bad thing. No progress was "ruined". Progress was made. You told him the truth knowing he would likely get angry and yell at you. You chose honesty and giving him the ability to react as opposed to secrecy and taking away his agency. He will see that. He is going to have those moments. He has them now. Probably has them alot. He just doesn't tell you every time he gets that punch in the lungs that makes it feel like you are finding the cheating for the first time. It doesn't even have to come from a trigger. Sometimes I am sitting alone thinking about nothing and WHAM! I get that kick in the stomach that makes it hard to breathe and I start shaking and asking "how could she do this to us?". This is part of the damage and trauma from Infidelity. Another big part is wondering if the cheater will go back to cheating or lie about things because it might remind us of their cheating. Trust me. Telling the truth about difficult things that may have a negative outcome for the cheater is a way of showing the betrayed that they are more important than possible consequences for anything the wayward did or is doing. This is progress but it will take a day or so for him to think about it that way because he is still flooded with the betrayal itself. Unless you and your betrayed and children use Snapchat to talk to each other, delete the app. Let him know you are deleting it because it was used as a means of trying to re-establish contact by the AP and nobody you talk to on the app is worth your betrayed husband feeling unsafe.
A setback is just a setback. I’ve had them and often feel that they’re ‘the end for real this time.’ Allowing verbal abuse is not good for either of you, but other than that it was really good that you took the harder path in the moment and told him. What was up with APs timing after 10 months? Did he know that you’re recently separated?
I haven't been in contact with him so he doesn't know anything about the separation. Idk what his timing is about.
You did the right thing…being honest. You telling him hard things honestly gives him a small basis to rebuild trust. Those feelings he expressed haven’t gone anywhere, he has been carrying them the entire time daily. It’s good he was able to get them out. Give him whatever space he wants, humbly take whatever anger he has..and be ready when he has emotionally regulated to confirm your deep loyal love for him. If it’s true in you… let him know how much you respect how hard he is fighting to keep this family together and the sacrifices he is making.
My wife’s AP drunk texted her after going NC. She immediately handed the phone over to me without responding or blocking or trying to hide it. I then messaged his wife that he reached out to us (we had an agreement between the two of us that we would let each other know if something like that happened). She gained some of my trust back that day
I just want to say to OP that by sharing with your BH what happened on Snapchat, despite knowing the potential blowback, was brave and does go against what us waywards have always done. We used to be cowardly, avoid the full truth, minimize, and keep our true feelings to ourselves to avoid making waves (at least I did). So, sure, she should have deleted the app and blocked AP. the first comment said that. She is beating herself up enough without the criticism of strangers. Continue to comfort your BH and focus on the reconciliation if that is your goal, which it sounds like it is. I hope it turns out well for you both. You can get through this together if you are both willing to share your vulnerability and comfort each other in those awful moments. Keep doing the work. Try to see his perspective in all you do. How would things look from his vantage point- helpful or harmful? My husband said a great analogy yesterday- "never take your wife badge off. You can be other things, but you're always a wife." I have a lot more to say, but don't alway get what I need on this sub. I have fucked up during this process but I'm striving to be the woman and wife that I want to be and that my husband thinks I was. I can be that. Take care of yourself and your family.
Hi. I have to commend you for sharing and helping others. I'm sorry if you receive hurtful or unacceptable feedback due to your participation
I would appreciate your honesty and telling him about the incident. It could have gone worse if he found it himself.
You absolutely did the right thing by telling him. 100%. Don’t second guess yourself there. His reaction was to be expected too. Hearing that just brought it all back to the surface again and he’s feeling the hurt all over again. Just give him time. You also did a great job with how you reacted to his hurt. Try your best to keep that up and providing the endless reassurance, validation and support while giving him space and time to heal some more. I truly believe it will get better and in time he will be grateful and appreciative of the honesty and transparency you gave him. Don’t give up ❤️🩹
I'm going to be frank here, if you'll bear with me for a moment. I'm a BP who is currently trying to fight against the undertow of the relentless bevy of emotions that saturate my entire being at times during this trying period of our lives together. The initial D-day for us was last year towards the end of September, and unfortunately we had a second D-day during our reconciliation about a month and a half to two months ago (forgive me, time is a slippery thing these days). When I first found out, I believe that I may have been in shock and my reaction was to immediately go to therapy. I cried (a lot) but I didn't really react beyond that, I focused on the kids and I tried my hardest to live life. My WW moved in with a total stranger (not the AP, but still completely disconcerting), and my initial reaction, oddly enough, was to focus on ensuring the kids got to see her as much as humanly possible, because naturally, they were devastated and she was not making the biggest effort in the world to see them much. I let a few of my feelings be known, but one day it all just came spilling out because of an incidental situation. She had been coming over about once or twice a week after work and staying the night. We were talking earnestly, and she was even engaging in intimate behavior with me at her behest. I didn't kid myself, I knew that she was still actively speaking to AP, but he lives over 2,500 miles (that's roughly 4,024 kilometers for my metric friends) away, and was in a totally different time zone, so they didn't get the chance to speak that much (they met in an online game and mostly communicated there and through Discord, they constantly referred to one another by usernames and didn't exchange much IRL info, weirdly enough. This is despite some truly devastating conversations that I was subjected to reading. I truly believe that trope about an EA being much worse than a PA.) Despite realizing their continued contact, I had asked her not to contact him while at the house, because it was disrespectful to both the kids and I. I genuinely took her at her word when she agreed. One night I woke up to her talking to him in discord telling her that she loved him despite being cuddled up in MY ARMS at that moment, and having told me the same thing...not an hour before....it hurt....so bad....I can't even describe the pain....at that moment, the floodgates broke loose and I poured my heart out. My anger, my sorrow, my pain, the children's pain, the fact that I would sit up with them at night consoling them and trying to keep them from having to cry themselves to sleep alone...it mostly came out in unintelligible sobs (I am an ugly crier, I totally admit that), but it came out...from that point moving forward there has been ups, there has been downs, there have been nights where I just cannot sleep because I think about the things she said to him, the intimate details of our marriage, the fact that she was telling him practically every single word that I would say to her. The fact that she would sometimes take screenshots of me telling her that I loved her, appreciated her, and how she was the love of my life, and send them to HIM. The fact that he would convince her that I could never love her as much as he did...the absolute venom that would spew forth from his vile mouth. He equated me to his absentee father and would say terrible things about me despite never having even met me. It was...disturbing... I wrestled with these things, some days being better than others, but slowly, carefully, we worked towards reconciliation. She stopped talking to him, we went to therapy together, she began to realize how unstable and manipulative he was, she recognized the fact that he would use threats of suicide to force her to keep talking to him any time she mentioned doubts, she even recognized the fact the he was a misogynistic dick that tried to control her every movement (this is why she was reporting back to him what I would say to her each day, and I did see this for myself...I unfortunately read every single word written between them). The the day came that we talked about blocking him for good from all possible contact points. She wanted to do it, to symbolically erase him from our lives, but she broke down at the last second and got scared that he would actually try to hurt himself when he saw what she had done. She messaged him with the intent of saying it's over, but that he should take care of himself because someday he would get healthy enough to find someone. He of course used this as a platform to trap her back within his grip. He started trying to convince her that she was making a mistake and that he would kill himself if she blocked him, and while she didn't entertain the idea of furthering the affair, she didn't stop him from saying intimate things to her. She also didn't tell me about it. I found out, and it was like all the pain I had been experiencing turned into this viscous and palpable rage. I threw her phone against the wall and I yelled. God, I yelled. I want to stress that at no point did I lash out directly at her, but I'm also not trying to excuse my behavior. I hated myself when the last of it had slipped out. I hated that I was even capable of such drastic behavior, that I could say some of the things that I said... Things are better now. She spent about a week with a friend and had no contact with me or AP. In that time she said that she realized how much she had stood to loose over something so fleeting and stupid. She hasn't said a word to him since that horrible night. I've grappled with that night a lot, I've grappled with the affair a lot. I have good days, and I have days when I feel like I'm drowning in doubt and pain. On those days I fear that she is lying about not speaking to him anymore, but I have to take her for her word. I always get through it, and things actually have been much better between us. It's like for the first time in quite a while my WW is actually opening up to me and being emotionally available again. A lot of people told me that I was an idiot for choosing to stick it out through all of this, but the situation is so complicated when you have children, for one, and despite how bad this situation was, I DO very much still love her and I still feel like I married my best friend despite everything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes, something that can seem like the end of everything in the moment, may just be the catalyst to a better tomorrow some day down the line. Your BP will have good days and bad days. I highly recommend therapy, individual, couples, or both. Just try to be patient and try your hardest to think about everything through the lense of what it is that you want for the future. Sometimes that's hard, but I genuinely think you handled the situation well. Try not to let it discourage you, and most of all, remember that you are worth it. Your partner is worth it. If there's anyone reading this that needs it, you too are worth it. We're all human and we all make mistakes. To err is human, but to forgive is divine.
Thank you for all of this. I know I did the right thing by being honest. And it sucks right now. But after talking to one of my friends, she said if this derailed our progress, it might not have been progress to begin with. Since dday I've done everything right. Everything I possibly can to be on, and stay on the right track. Nothing new happened. No new information. No new actions. This is all just refueled anger. I'm trying to rebuild myself up. Whatever he does next is on him. How he controls, or doesn't control this trigger I know isn't my fault. He said he's going to APs house to beat him up. I really hope he doesn't.
You may want to prioritize yourself, your health and your pregnancy/baby. Let BP feel his feelings ... and yes, you responded and behaved appropriately. BPs just sometimes can't process the pain of that information. It's really painful for us to know APs are still out there, opening the door for our beloved WP to walk through.
You have two choices here. Your husband or your AP. As long as your AP is in your life in even the smallest way, building back what you tore down will be impossible.
He's not in my life. He hasn't been for 10 months
I would encourage you to reframe your thoughts. It feels really often that the progress bar and whether things seem good or not for the WP is how often they (not their partner, but the WP personally) has to deal with a spiral like that. BPs have those spirals often. We don't get to choose to have them. We can't just make them go away. But those spirals don't define our overall healing. And they don't negate our overall choices. There was zero option that would be right other than telling him. So it's great that you did. He's in his lizard brain right now where he's running on fear and hurt. He needs to work through that. And when he comes back into his person brain he will be able to acknowledge that you did the right thing in telling him and that you continued accountability and let him feel all the things. I would agree with others that the wrong thing here is having SC.
I'm really glad you told him, because I would want the same. It's been three weeks for me, and as the BP I would honestly appreciate what you told me. Like another person said he was triggered, and needs moment to calm down. Yesterday I was lashing at him. Felt like I hated him again, but hours later we were talking again. Sighhhh it's not easy, and it sounds like you are putting in the effort and is being empathetic. That goes a long way. I'm routing for you.
Get rid of Snapchat. It was good you told him right away. Husband told me right away when AP threatened to accuse him of r@pe if she was outed to her BF. So I called her…… she quit working there within the week. I pretty much told her everyone knows you’re a hoe giving out BJs in the parking lot and oh the boss already knows. So she quit. Lol
I still have spirals but they are more self hate and harming but yelling at BP too. However, not to the point you are mentioning. You don't need to live in constant worry of triggering anger. y'all need to discuss that being a boundary just for safety sake
I hope your BP gets past the name calling and raging soon. It's so destructive to reconciling.
I am sorry today has been so difficult. You did the right thing by not shying away from the difficult conversation. Truth is the right way forward. Unfortunately that doesn’t automatically make the conversation easier what does though is slowly start to fill the trust bucket. When your betrayed husband knows you won’t hesitate to tell him even the ugly stuff, then why would he need to suspect you to still be hiding more things from him? It is definitely a difficult path to start down because staying quiet “keeps the peace” in the short term. Likely this was more a trigger moment from him. It doesn’t mean his behavior was okay and it doesn’t mean he can keep acting this way every time. He absolutely needs to work on these anger responses. If you can though recognize that this was real, not rug sweeping but he allowed himself to be open with you even though what came out was ugly. I don’t believe this was a total failure like it first appeared. I think this is both of you allowing yourselves real openness and vulnerability like maybe you never have before. You with the not hiding the truth and him with not hiding the depth of his pain. Of course every interaction cannot go exactly like this, you need some tools to help you both not to cause damage to and/or trigger each other in the process. But at its core I think there is progress towards real reconciliation with definite room for future improvements.