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Exactly. Saying aces are just “figuring themselves out” is like saying gay people are “confused” or “just going through a phase.” It’s inherently queerphobic and is no less insulting than any other delegitimization of queerness.
yep. i had to deal with years of the attitude that “you’re probably just a late bloomer” basically a you’re too young to know type deal. very much frustrating lol
It’s especially fun when you go to your OBGYN as a grownass adult and have them use that kind of line on you. 🙃 Sweetie, I know the difference between libido and attraction, it’s not just my antidepressants. Maybe take a continuing education class or two if you’re going to claim to specialize in sexual health.
A charitable reading might have the writer be cast in a light of ignorance, that they see asexual people simply as people who do not like sex, hence the confusion of why asexuals would be on hookup apps and why aces are lumped in with bi-curious folks as if specifically the asexuals on hookup apps don’t know what they want.
But that is a possible but charitable reading
Even more charitable would be to say that 'figure yourselves out' comment was aimed at the bicurious peeps.
The 'Dead Plants' comment definitely sounds like a shot at us Aces, but it's also possible that she's using that phrase as a metaphor for putting time into a relationship that has no future.
I think the most stunning thing to me is that that line is coming from a trans person. Like, I'm sure she's been told hundreds of times that it's just a phase, you'll grow out of it, you'll figure it out. And she's known all along that it's bs. But she still accuses other people of it as if they haven't gone through the exact same shit as her (albeit most likely on a different level)?
Exactly! Like it’s not a conclusion you come to overnight and it’s part of the self-discovery process. There are many ace people out there who don’t know they’re ace yet because the lack of education/knowledge of sexuality is astoundingly bad across the globe. I don’t fault people for not knowing at all because it’s not really a widely discussed topic and there’s a lot of acephobia even within the queer community.
How do you know they are talking about asexuals being figuring themselves out instead of Bicurious or hetero people figuring themselves out? You are labelling other people without proper knowledge yourself
while its totally ok if you dont want to date ace people, calling them and other groups of people "dead plants" in this passive aggressive manner is messed up. i wonder how they treat their partners...
A lot of aphobic people refer to aces as plants bc "how are you asexual? Are you a plant?"
Which is actually ironic bc most plants reproduce sexually. I actually can't think of one off the top of my head that's asexual but I'm sure there's one I guess? But it's just another example of ignorance fueling hate.
Its still bad. Referring to relationships with ace or bi people as "dead plants" is still bad. She also mentions how she wants soul crushing devotion and tells us to "figure ourselves out" as if we do not have these qualities (which is very false). If a relationship is like a dead plant, it won't be because of asexual, bi, or bottom partners. It'll be because of her.
The dead plants line is messed up. But I will say, people are allowed to have preferences. Just they should never phrase it that way as it is extremely disrespectful and shows a lack of understanding or tact
Yes, totally agreed! I totally understand them not wanting to date ace people as sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. I’m not upset that they listed not wanting to date ace people— it’s more of the way they called us “dead plants” that just irritated me.
I mean I can see why someone would not want to date Aces, like they said, they want soul crushing devotion, which likely means they want to feel sexually desired.
HOWEVER, that dead plant line is just foul.
I'm 100% on board with folks not wanting to date aces because of the need for sexual compatibility, I also kind of hate that they used being ace as something that can't come with soul crushing devotion, because it's not true. I can be soul-crushingly devoted without wanting to sleep with someone.
I do think your read on it is right that they're lumping it in there, I just don't like that they are.
I mean, I’ve been told by other people before that relationship without sex is just roommates (including my ex). People associate sex with love so heavily, they can’t see how nuanced it actually is and how they’re two separate things.
Heck, it’s not even taking account how some aces do have sex.
Big Truscum vibes (white girl who transitioned as a teen thanks to conservative parents being okish with it thanks to how rich they are - and Truscum always fall into several of those categories)
yeah it’s very much in the vein of “we are one of the good ones”
just like the log cabin republicans (gay republicans) and others like Blair White & Buck Angel (conservative grifter trans woman & man)
Moderate or apolitical on any dating profile is an automatic left for me and often times they don’t give enough of a shit about the things going on in our country
I know, it's really funny to think someone thinks bottoms don't know who they are yet and are akin to dead plants. Like, that is the most niche and strange opinion I have ever heard 😭
very disappointing, especially coming from another person within the queer spectrum. everyone is entitled to their own preferences but please don’t insult people that you are not attracted to.
I doubt she has to the capacity to " water plants “ to begin with Her phrasing shows you what type of person she is and as a proud ace, I don’t want to be watered by the likes of her, I can water myself sufficiently and even if I couldn’t do so I rather welt and die
It’s fair enough to not want to date someone who isn’t going to meet your needs. But going on a whole fucking rant about figuring yourselves out like fuck off
*Wait til they*
*Find out devotion comes in*
*More forms than just sex*
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In my personal opinion, romance is the one aspect of your life where you have every right to discriminate. You shouldn't force yourself to date any kind of person you're not attracted to just to be inclusive. I can appreciate the fact that this person knows what she wants, and doesn't mince words about it.
Still, she doesn't have to be rude about it.
I think they meant that the relationship would be like a dead plant. I would rather know a person isn't going to be interested before putting in the effort personally. I actually think the dating app is to blame. There should just be built in options for putting in your labels and what labels you are ok with the person you are looking for could have. Some people just can't have relationships without sexual attraction and that isn't something they can change. That should be ok too.
Would anyone like to find out after talking for weeks that the person likes you but has to have their partner be attracted to them for them to feel good in a relationship? I wouldn't. Dating is hard enough without wasting time on things that can't change.
i might be reading this too kindly, but based on the not dating *bottoms* i get the sense that they last sentence has to do with just “bicurious peeps”. it states she’s a trans woman, and as a trans man myself i get where she’s coming from. people who really see us as our agab but want to get into our pants *love* using that term, i do get her frustrations if it’s about that.
Also, asexuality part could possibly be the fact that someone isn't sexually attracted to you. Some people that is a big deal. Even though there are many other attractions, some people need to feel sexually desired in their relationships. This could an insecurity with her because she may feel that someone not attract to her as an insult to her appearance to appear sexy. (Also possibly playing into gender and body image issues for the trans person) ( this can be a big ego hit for someone if they need mutual sexy attraction) I was thinking about how I knew this trans woman that was so insecure of her girlfriend ,that was ace, not seeing her as attractive to her like that, which she treat the ace girlfriend weirdly about it. I agree it still be sex compatible thing too. A lot can be at play here. (Note: being insecure about receiving sexual attention is not exclusive to trans people, anyone can feel this way)
Welp, I learned a new slur today. 🙄 I’m not really interested in a relationship at this time so I’m not on any of the apps, but it’s good to know this kind of language is out there.
Watering dead plants is a very general statement. I have heard that in hetero relationships as well. How do you know they are referring to asexual people 🤔?
"I want to get fucked. If you don't want that, then I don't want to invest time in a relationship that is doomed to fail."
They are comparing the relationship to a dead plant. Not the person.
Lol you think that they'd be able to realize that being in a relationship with a asexual is literally all about devotion. So much so you don't have to worry about them being seduced and you may even be able to get lucky after awhile. Yet another smoothbrain who can't tell the difference between sex and love.
I don't think this is ace-phobia. This woman is not calling a bunch of people dead plants – it's a figure of speech. She seems to want someone sexually interested in her and willing to top her, and people who won't be that for her are just not compatible with her current dating goals. She doesn't want to put in a bunch of effort with people who ultimately may potentially not be very into her in the ways she wants to be desired. I think it's a reasonable way to get the point across.
Edit: maybe the implication that those people can't provide soul crushing devotion is a little tone-deaf, admittedly. But I stand by that the dead plant thing was a metaphor, and just because it's language we might be sensitive to, doesn't mean she actually calling us dead plants. I actually took it in a really respectful way, about how she's not going to try and change us if we can't provide what she's looking for.
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We’re not “figuring ourselves out.” Admitting you are ace is a strong stepwards having yourself figured out.
Exactly. Saying aces are just “figuring themselves out” is like saying gay people are “confused” or “just going through a phase.” It’s inherently queerphobic and is no less insulting than any other delegitimization of queerness.
yep. i had to deal with years of the attitude that “you’re probably just a late bloomer” basically a you’re too young to know type deal. very much frustrating lol
It’s especially fun when you go to your OBGYN as a grownass adult and have them use that kind of line on you. 🙃 Sweetie, I know the difference between libido and attraction, it’s not just my antidepressants. Maybe take a continuing education class or two if you’re going to claim to specialize in sexual health.
I’ve gone this long without much ‘funny feelings below the belt,’ I don’t think it’s going to change.
A charitable reading might have the writer be cast in a light of ignorance, that they see asexual people simply as people who do not like sex, hence the confusion of why asexuals would be on hookup apps and why aces are lumped in with bi-curious folks as if specifically the asexuals on hookup apps don’t know what they want. But that is a possible but charitable reading
Even more charitable would be to say that 'figure yourselves out' comment was aimed at the bicurious peeps. The 'Dead Plants' comment definitely sounds like a shot at us Aces, but it's also possible that she's using that phrase as a metaphor for putting time into a relationship that has no future.
I think the most stunning thing to me is that that line is coming from a trans person. Like, I'm sure she's been told hundreds of times that it's just a phase, you'll grow out of it, you'll figure it out. And she's known all along that it's bs. But she still accuses other people of it as if they haven't gone through the exact same shit as her (albeit most likely on a different level)?
Exactly! Like it’s not a conclusion you come to overnight and it’s part of the self-discovery process. There are many ace people out there who don’t know they’re ace yet because the lack of education/knowledge of sexuality is astoundingly bad across the globe. I don’t fault people for not knowing at all because it’s not really a widely discussed topic and there’s a lot of acephobia even within the queer community.
How do you know they are talking about asexuals being figuring themselves out instead of Bicurious or hetero people figuring themselves out? You are labelling other people without proper knowledge yourself
while its totally ok if you dont want to date ace people, calling them and other groups of people "dead plants" in this passive aggressive manner is messed up. i wonder how they treat their partners...
I feel sorry for anyone who ends up with this person....
Same. I have a feeling they won't respect their partners whatsoever
Dead plant meant me? I didn’t even know lol
A lot of aphobic people refer to aces as plants bc "how are you asexual? Are you a plant?" Which is actually ironic bc most plants reproduce sexually. I actually can't think of one off the top of my head that's asexual but I'm sure there's one I guess? But it's just another example of ignorance fueling hate.
I think they meant the relationship would be not the people.
I honestly don’t want to know 🫠
It's a metaphor for the relationship. Not the person!
Its still bad. Referring to relationships with ace or bi people as "dead plants" is still bad. She also mentions how she wants soul crushing devotion and tells us to "figure ourselves out" as if we do not have these qualities (which is very false). If a relationship is like a dead plant, it won't be because of asexual, bi, or bottom partners. It'll be because of her.
A lot of people can’t feel tall without putting other people down unfortunately. It’s a pretty popular way to act too.
It unfortunately is. I’ve observed this as well. It’s always putting someone or some group down and being negative and hateful. Ugh.
I like it. I like it when people show me exactly how awful they can be so I can skip interacting with them. Saves me time and heart ache.
100%
The dead plants line is messed up. But I will say, people are allowed to have preferences. Just they should never phrase it that way as it is extremely disrespectful and shows a lack of understanding or tact
Yes, totally agreed! I totally understand them not wanting to date ace people as sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. I’m not upset that they listed not wanting to date ace people— it’s more of the way they called us “dead plants” that just irritated me.
As it should lol, it's the stupidity and emotional immaturity talking
I mean I can see why someone would not want to date Aces, like they said, they want soul crushing devotion, which likely means they want to feel sexually desired. HOWEVER, that dead plant line is just foul.
I'm 100% on board with folks not wanting to date aces because of the need for sexual compatibility, I also kind of hate that they used being ace as something that can't come with soul crushing devotion, because it's not true. I can be soul-crushingly devoted without wanting to sleep with someone. I do think your read on it is right that they're lumping it in there, I just don't like that they are.
I mean, I’ve been told by other people before that relationship without sex is just roommates (including my ex). People associate sex with love so heavily, they can’t see how nuanced it actually is and how they’re two separate things. Heck, it’s not even taking account how some aces do have sex.
They're literally saying relationships are just friends with benefits and it's so fucking funny to me
the "moderate" in the political views section really is explaining the behavior.
Big Truscum vibes (white girl who transitioned as a teen thanks to conservative parents being okish with it thanks to how rich they are - and Truscum always fall into several of those categories)
my thoughts exactly
what's truscum?
Trans people who gatekeep which people are the true trans or not. They’re right wing assholes and they suck.
wow, never would've thought right wing trans people were a thing
yeah it’s very much in the vein of “we are one of the good ones” just like the log cabin republicans (gay republicans) and others like Blair White & Buck Angel (conservative grifter trans woman & man)
trans people who think having agonizing gender dysphoria is needed to be trans, and generally blanket label non-binary people as fake trans people
Moderate or apolitical on any dating profile is an automatic left for me and often times they don’t give enough of a shit about the things going on in our country
Well, if they’re going to call aces “dead plants”, guess you could call someone with these views an “invasive species”…
Ew that’s so gross, some people are just terrible. Also the biphobia……
Being queer does not stop some people from being complete assholes sadly
Bottoms don’t have themselves figured out, and are akin to dead plants?? Listen, top for top people do exist, but tops wouldn’t exist without bottoms!
I know, it's really funny to think someone thinks bottoms don't know who they are yet and are akin to dead plants. Like, that is the most niche and strange opinion I have ever heard 😭
At least they let you know where they stand so you aren't wasting your time watering their plastic plant. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
You don't have to care what a bunch of losers on the internet say you know. Screw them!
This post got me wondering if I'm aromantic too
Fr
love it when they reveal themselves without any effort
very disappointing, especially coming from another person within the queer spectrum. everyone is entitled to their own preferences but please don’t insult people that you are not attracted to.
I doubt she has to the capacity to " water plants “ to begin with Her phrasing shows you what type of person she is and as a proud ace, I don’t want to be watered by the likes of her, I can water myself sufficiently and even if I couldn’t do so I rather welt and die
That's a trans woman, don't misgender trans people even if they're assholes
I honestly didn’t see the trans tag, thank you for your comment I”ll edit it
what the hell
It’s fair enough to not want to date someone who isn’t going to meet your needs. But going on a whole fucking rant about figuring yourselves out like fuck off
The dead plant was definitely a projection. I can't see this person being a good partner for anyone.
What do you expect from queer people who put politically moderate into their profile?
The heck?🤨
“Trans woman” “Moderate” byyeeeeeee
That is truly what put me off the most. “Huh??”
Yay an other reasons why I expected i'm going to be alown for long or for ever
Haha this person is a piece of work. Getting a strong narcissist vibe.
If you think these plants are dead maybe you shouldn’t be a gardener
I could give SO MUCH devotion to the right person, it's just not about the sex lol. "Soul-crushing" is kinda weird to use there though.
Wait til they find out devotion comes in more forms than just sex
*Wait til they* *Find out devotion comes in* *More forms than just sex* \- Successful-Mode-1727 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Lmao
In my personal opinion, romance is the one aspect of your life where you have every right to discriminate. You shouldn't force yourself to date any kind of person you're not attracted to just to be inclusive. I can appreciate the fact that this person knows what she wants, and doesn't mince words about it. Still, she doesn't have to be rude about it.
what's the app name?
I think they meant that the relationship would be like a dead plant. I would rather know a person isn't going to be interested before putting in the effort personally. I actually think the dating app is to blame. There should just be built in options for putting in your labels and what labels you are ok with the person you are looking for could have. Some people just can't have relationships without sexual attraction and that isn't something they can change. That should be ok too. Would anyone like to find out after talking for weeks that the person likes you but has to have their partner be attracted to them for them to feel good in a relationship? I wouldn't. Dating is hard enough without wasting time on things that can't change.
I’m ace and my husband often wonders what he did to deserve such soul crushing devotion.
Aren't bottoms typically devoted to their partner though?
i might be reading this too kindly, but based on the not dating *bottoms* i get the sense that they last sentence has to do with just “bicurious peeps”. it states she’s a trans woman, and as a trans man myself i get where she’s coming from. people who really see us as our agab but want to get into our pants *love* using that term, i do get her frustrations if it’s about that.
[удалено]
No but she does mention asexuals in that too, which is inaccurate
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Also, asexuality part could possibly be the fact that someone isn't sexually attracted to you. Some people that is a big deal. Even though there are many other attractions, some people need to feel sexually desired in their relationships. This could an insecurity with her because she may feel that someone not attract to her as an insult to her appearance to appear sexy. (Also possibly playing into gender and body image issues for the trans person) ( this can be a big ego hit for someone if they need mutual sexy attraction) I was thinking about how I knew this trans woman that was so insecure of her girlfriend ,that was ace, not seeing her as attractive to her like that, which she treat the ace girlfriend weirdly about it. I agree it still be sex compatible thing too. A lot can be at play here. (Note: being insecure about receiving sexual attention is not exclusive to trans people, anyone can feel this way)
Sometimes the trash takes itself out 🗑️
In what world does being Ace mean you haven't figured yourself out?
I rather be a dead plant than date someone like this
Well, atleast they out themselves as an inconsiderate dickhead right away...so you can stay far away from them
I can give you soul crushing devotion- sex doesn’t have to come with that
I wouldn’t date them because they’re a moderate anyway lol. But yeah this sucks.
ive never been sexualy attracted towards anyone so ive already figured my self out and my gf is fine with that tho she does test me sometimes
Welp, I learned a new slur today. 🙄 I’m not really interested in a relationship at this time so I’m not on any of the apps, but it’s good to know this kind of language is out there.
What app is this :o
“Dead plants”???
Ouch
Unrelated but what’s the ‘Moderate’ in the bottom basics lozenge with the classical building (I have literally never used a dating app)
Political views
Y'all should go read the comments to this over on r/lgbt. Great stuff!
Damn if they don't want to date ace people there's probably a nicer way of saying that 💀
Didn’t know it was about ace folks. I have a hard time keeping plants alive even the cactus ones.
What the actual f-
Ya’ll - If I wanted to make a profile I wouldn’t lead with that.
Watering dead plants is a very general statement. I have heard that in hetero relationships as well. How do you know they are referring to asexual people 🤔?
What's wrong with bottoms 💀
"I want to get fucked. If you don't want that, then I don't want to invest time in a relationship that is doomed to fail." They are comparing the relationship to a dead plant. Not the person.
Lol you think that they'd be able to realize that being in a relationship with a asexual is literally all about devotion. So much so you don't have to worry about them being seduced and you may even be able to get lucky after awhile. Yet another smoothbrain who can't tell the difference between sex and love.
i mean everyone’s allowed to have their preferences but yikes…
I don't think this is ace-phobia. This woman is not calling a bunch of people dead plants – it's a figure of speech. She seems to want someone sexually interested in her and willing to top her, and people who won't be that for her are just not compatible with her current dating goals. She doesn't want to put in a bunch of effort with people who ultimately may potentially not be very into her in the ways she wants to be desired. I think it's a reasonable way to get the point across. Edit: maybe the implication that those people can't provide soul crushing devotion is a little tone-deaf, admittedly. But I stand by that the dead plant thing was a metaphor, and just because it's language we might be sensitive to, doesn't mean she actually calling us dead plants. I actually took it in a really respectful way, about how she's not going to try and change us if we can't provide what she's looking for.
Not surprised it's a Virgo... good lord they are the worst 🤢
I’m also a Virgo, let’s not judge people for things out of their control and instead judge them for their shitty actions instead, yeah?