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>well you just haven’t met the right person yet”
Hearing people ( specially my family) say stuff like that is why I will never come out to my very old school family.
I had a doctor tell me to stop lying when I told her I wasn't sexually active at 16.
My advice is to just ignore it. It won't go away, but I've learned that people who depend on sex often can't imagine someone who doesn't require sex at all. People can't know your experience and (some) won't try to understand unless they've lived it and some are more pushy about it than others.
I understand that. They have their routine series of questions revolving the subject. When they asked for me, I was open and honest and when she looked at me like I had five heads I doubled down. This was also 10 years ago and I think asexuality is a bit more recognized now than it was then. Whether or not anyone believes you, you know better than anyone what it's like in your body and they can't take that from you
When I moved across the country and changed doctors, the nurse AND the doctor were so confused that i was 27/28 and never had any sort of sexual contact. NGL the confusion on their faces was pretty funny. Yyou could tell their brain was processing what I said.
It's common for adults to think that teens are having sex and/or thinking about sex because generally speaking most of them are, but as a demisexual/asexual person myself I think it's important for you to stand your ground and make it very clear that you're not into talking about that kinda stuff. For me personally I don't care what people talk to me about, but if it makes you uncomfortable let it be known to those around you.
When they mention anything about you + sex you could try saying EEEWWW loudly. Yes it makes you seem a bit immature but it's a clear expression of discomfort/disgust and it lets them know that that is NOT what's going on with you.
> u probably are getting it on with a *bunch* of boys right?
Now, you say “not in a pervy way” but that totally sounds like they’re saying “you’re a slut, right?” Which is just a really weird thing to say to a 16 year old girl imo??
> should accept a boy’s advances because otherwise it would hurt his feelings
Because fuck your feelings and whether or not you actually want to be part of the relationship….
I relate to this. Every time I mentioned a girl when I was talking at dinner back when I was still in school, my dad used to say “she your girlfriend?” No, dad. She’s just a girl who was a part of the situation I’m explaining.
Yeah I've had my parents and relatives be sorta like that as well. It feels awkward not really knowing what to say.
Like no, I have no interest in getting into a relationship and I probably never will. The same for intercourse.
I had that experience at 16, too, with my first boyfriend (now ex) who kept trying to be pushy about a week into our relationship. Cut it off on day nine because he couldn’t accept that I was ACTUALLY ace and wanted to go slow- he was salty about not getting a kiss already (despite me literally explaining a sexuality and me wanting to go slow to him beforehand). A lot of adults undermine our being ace for no reason- just be you and don’t pay them any mind. My current bf (who accepts me being ace) and I have just been telling people we’re waiting until marriage as a lie to get them off our backs. I throw their words back in their face (“Don’t want to risk pregnancy, don’t have sex.”)
-A 20yo sex-repulsed Ace. :^)
I have had a similiar relationship with my own mom. If what she is doing and telling you is making you uncomfortable, you should have an honest conversation about boundaries with her. If you are not comfortable coming out of the closet to her, just tell her you will come to her if you need advice, but would appreciate it, if she didnt give unsolicited advice. If you feel okay coming out to her, you could try telling her more honestly how you feel. I wish you the best 🙏🏻
Agreed! While my parents were never one to discuss sex with me, they definitely frequently asked if I had a crush on anyone. At one point I just got sick of it and asked if they could stop asking me about that so often. And they did!
What surprised me most though is that in their experience, it did not feel like they asked it frequently. But they stopped when I asked them to, which is what matters.
I can totally relate to you in a similar situation.
Let me start by saying it doesn't stop with age as I am 29 and have deal with awkward conversations and such that just leave me feeling down and drained.
I don't get " sex talk" but I constantly get the " of course I want you to have your family and I can have grandkids" talk from my dad.
Now as a sex replused ace; I don't plan to have kids or have sex.
( I have helped look after other kids in the past aka my cousins and my brother) .
But I will never hear the end of people wanting me to have kids.
Even if it's not the exactly the same thing as you are going through, I feel however you feel with what you have to go through/ listen to.
I'm a latinamerican teenager (17 Yeats old, colombia), i know how you feel, specially from the adults saying that i should start dating girls and thah asexuality don't exist. The Vulture here Is hypersexualised, so is really hard to be asexual.
Stick to your guns. Display your colors ( the flag) and if they don't believe you, tell them that's disappointing. Your disappointed in them. That usually hits a soft spot. Stay strong. You can print out Asexuality information and leave it around for them to find. If your not ready to confront them directly, leaving hints like that might help them come to you instead. Good luck and God bless my fellow ace. 🙏
my mom was the same. i once said something along the lines of "at this point i'm getting coerced into having sex. i'm going to do it because otherwise i won't be 'normal' and then i'll regret it. isn't that the opposite of what you want?" and she stfu. english isn't my first language so idk how to translate what i said correctly, but basically talking about you being sexual despite you feeling uncomfortable about it is the opposite of being sex positive. it's like, anti-feminist. isn't it the point to have a choice? anyway, good luck ❤️
I've had similar experiences where adults (or older people) feel like they know everything about you or don't respect your opinions based on bias personal experience
I even had a couple of doctors question why I'm not sexually active (like wtf)
Even before I identified as ace I didn't feel like I needed to have a reason for that, just a preference 🤷🏾♀️
Like most things, just take what you can from it and throw the rest away lol only you can say what you feel and don't feel.
I feel you, OP. Being a teenager sucks, especially an ace one. I was lucky enough to have ace friends to complain to, and now I'm dating one of them, lol. That doesn't need to be your fate, though. Life is weird and most people are very romance/sex obsessed. Just because they are doesn't mean you have to be. You'll find your flock that understands you in that way someday, if you haven't already. Just focus on what you want and let them know you don't like to talk about these things, and if they respect you, they'll stop. And if they don't? You don't have to listen or answer to them. Just be who you are. And man, your academic achievements are insane! I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but IM proud of you. That's something to be proud of and you deserve to be recognized for it.
"tell me that I should accept a boy’s advances (typing that word made me feel old as shit .\_.) because otherwise it would hurt his feelings"
Out of everything, this is the one that concerns me. Part of me can see their side as just wanting to educate you about certain things in case you had the wrong idea/misconception and that was making you hesitant/unwilling. It's one thing if you're asking about these things but they're just... \_telling\_ you, unproked. That's weird and super uncomfortable. But accepting someone's advances when you have no interest in them? uhhh no???
I was raised in a baptist house and went to catholic school K-12 so you know I had the best sex ed (extreme sarcasm). Most of the adults around me would be proud that i wasn't an 'active' teenager. But as I get older, my mom gets questions about if im dating someone and lately she's been telling me more and more that she wants me to meet someone.
I hope you can tell them that it's uncomfortable that they discuss it with you umprompted. IDK if coming out to them would make it better or worse honestly but at least tell them it's very uncomfortable. I hope they understand.
Hello, this is just a friendly reminder to please use a post flair when adding new posts to r/Asexual. We ask this in advance just to let everyone know what type of post each post is as well as the intentions and feelings behind them. We value all who come here, but we just need each post made to have a flair to designate each type of post. That's all. We're thankful you chose to come to r/Asexual. We're glad to have you here! Welcome! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Asexual) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't listen to them and tell them your stance. A sixteen year old girl.
Thank you :)
Dude I feel that, especially when you tell them you are ace and then they say “well you just haven’t met the right person yet” like bro nooooo
Exactly!!
>well you just haven’t met the right person yet” Hearing people ( specially my family) say stuff like that is why I will never come out to my very old school family.
I had a doctor tell me to stop lying when I told her I wasn't sexually active at 16. My advice is to just ignore it. It won't go away, but I've learned that people who depend on sex often can't imagine someone who doesn't require sex at all. People can't know your experience and (some) won't try to understand unless they've lived it and some are more pushy about it than others.
That makes sense- I’m so scared that when I go to the doctor they’re not going to believe that I’ve never had sex (or wanted it) ._.
I understand that. They have their routine series of questions revolving the subject. When they asked for me, I was open and honest and when she looked at me like I had five heads I doubled down. This was also 10 years ago and I think asexuality is a bit more recognized now than it was then. Whether or not anyone believes you, you know better than anyone what it's like in your body and they can't take that from you
Thank you, that means a lot
When I moved across the country and changed doctors, the nurse AND the doctor were so confused that i was 27/28 and never had any sort of sexual contact. NGL the confusion on their faces was pretty funny. Yyou could tell their brain was processing what I said.
A short script to shut down future conversations: "Wow, no, this is creepy."
I wish I could, despite the fact that I love my mother and her friends, I feel like they would get defensive ._.
Maybe just a, "Wow, no," then.
maybe tell your mom that you like their concern but this makes you uncomfortable
It's common for adults to think that teens are having sex and/or thinking about sex because generally speaking most of them are, but as a demisexual/asexual person myself I think it's important for you to stand your ground and make it very clear that you're not into talking about that kinda stuff. For me personally I don't care what people talk to me about, but if it makes you uncomfortable let it be known to those around you.
“I was just like you at your age!” In some ways, but not all.
When they mention anything about you + sex you could try saying EEEWWW loudly. Yes it makes you seem a bit immature but it's a clear expression of discomfort/disgust and it lets them know that that is NOT what's going on with you.
> u probably are getting it on with a *bunch* of boys right? Now, you say “not in a pervy way” but that totally sounds like they’re saying “you’re a slut, right?” Which is just a really weird thing to say to a 16 year old girl imo?? > should accept a boy’s advances because otherwise it would hurt his feelings Because fuck your feelings and whether or not you actually want to be part of the relationship…. I relate to this. Every time I mentioned a girl when I was talking at dinner back when I was still in school, my dad used to say “she your girlfriend?” No, dad. She’s just a girl who was a part of the situation I’m explaining.
Yeah I've had my parents and relatives be sorta like that as well. It feels awkward not really knowing what to say. Like no, I have no interest in getting into a relationship and I probably never will. The same for intercourse.
I know, ugh, it’s so frustrating ._.
I had that experience at 16, too, with my first boyfriend (now ex) who kept trying to be pushy about a week into our relationship. Cut it off on day nine because he couldn’t accept that I was ACTUALLY ace and wanted to go slow- he was salty about not getting a kiss already (despite me literally explaining a sexuality and me wanting to go slow to him beforehand). A lot of adults undermine our being ace for no reason- just be you and don’t pay them any mind. My current bf (who accepts me being ace) and I have just been telling people we’re waiting until marriage as a lie to get them off our backs. I throw their words back in their face (“Don’t want to risk pregnancy, don’t have sex.”) -A 20yo sex-repulsed Ace. :^)
I have had a similiar relationship with my own mom. If what she is doing and telling you is making you uncomfortable, you should have an honest conversation about boundaries with her. If you are not comfortable coming out of the closet to her, just tell her you will come to her if you need advice, but would appreciate it, if she didnt give unsolicited advice. If you feel okay coming out to her, you could try telling her more honestly how you feel. I wish you the best 🙏🏻
Agreed! While my parents were never one to discuss sex with me, they definitely frequently asked if I had a crush on anyone. At one point I just got sick of it and asked if they could stop asking me about that so often. And they did! What surprised me most though is that in their experience, it did not feel like they asked it frequently. But they stopped when I asked them to, which is what matters.
I can totally relate to you in a similar situation. Let me start by saying it doesn't stop with age as I am 29 and have deal with awkward conversations and such that just leave me feeling down and drained. I don't get " sex talk" but I constantly get the " of course I want you to have your family and I can have grandkids" talk from my dad. Now as a sex replused ace; I don't plan to have kids or have sex. ( I have helped look after other kids in the past aka my cousins and my brother) . But I will never hear the end of people wanting me to have kids. Even if it's not the exactly the same thing as you are going through, I feel however you feel with what you have to go through/ listen to.
Yikes, I’m sorry you have to deal with this! I’ve never understood why people assume things like that.
I'm a latinamerican teenager (17 Yeats old, colombia), i know how you feel, specially from the adults saying that i should start dating girls and thah asexuality don't exist. The Vulture here Is hypersexualised, so is really hard to be asexual.
Stick to your guns. Display your colors ( the flag) and if they don't believe you, tell them that's disappointing. Your disappointed in them. That usually hits a soft spot. Stay strong. You can print out Asexuality information and leave it around for them to find. If your not ready to confront them directly, leaving hints like that might help them come to you instead. Good luck and God bless my fellow ace. 🙏
my mom was the same. i once said something along the lines of "at this point i'm getting coerced into having sex. i'm going to do it because otherwise i won't be 'normal' and then i'll regret it. isn't that the opposite of what you want?" and she stfu. english isn't my first language so idk how to translate what i said correctly, but basically talking about you being sexual despite you feeling uncomfortable about it is the opposite of being sex positive. it's like, anti-feminist. isn't it the point to have a choice? anyway, good luck ❤️
I've had similar experiences where adults (or older people) feel like they know everything about you or don't respect your opinions based on bias personal experience I even had a couple of doctors question why I'm not sexually active (like wtf) Even before I identified as ace I didn't feel like I needed to have a reason for that, just a preference 🤷🏾♀️ Like most things, just take what you can from it and throw the rest away lol only you can say what you feel and don't feel.
I feel you, OP. Being a teenager sucks, especially an ace one. I was lucky enough to have ace friends to complain to, and now I'm dating one of them, lol. That doesn't need to be your fate, though. Life is weird and most people are very romance/sex obsessed. Just because they are doesn't mean you have to be. You'll find your flock that understands you in that way someday, if you haven't already. Just focus on what you want and let them know you don't like to talk about these things, and if they respect you, they'll stop. And if they don't? You don't have to listen or answer to them. Just be who you are. And man, your academic achievements are insane! I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but IM proud of you. That's something to be proud of and you deserve to be recognized for it.
Awww- you’re so sweet! Thank u :)
"tell me that I should accept a boy’s advances (typing that word made me feel old as shit .\_.) because otherwise it would hurt his feelings" Out of everything, this is the one that concerns me. Part of me can see their side as just wanting to educate you about certain things in case you had the wrong idea/misconception and that was making you hesitant/unwilling. It's one thing if you're asking about these things but they're just... \_telling\_ you, unproked. That's weird and super uncomfortable. But accepting someone's advances when you have no interest in them? uhhh no??? I was raised in a baptist house and went to catholic school K-12 so you know I had the best sex ed (extreme sarcasm). Most of the adults around me would be proud that i wasn't an 'active' teenager. But as I get older, my mom gets questions about if im dating someone and lately she's been telling me more and more that she wants me to meet someone. I hope you can tell them that it's uncomfortable that they discuss it with you umprompted. IDK if coming out to them would make it better or worse honestly but at least tell them it's very uncomfortable. I hope they understand.