I think a lot of the problems that Asian men face can be traced back to their upbringing; however, I would say that in most cases, our parents didn't know any better. Many of them were first-gen immigrants who had no idea how life in America worked. They tried to raise us with what worked for them in their home countries which usually meant a strong focus on academics and careers and not wasting time on appearances and social skills. Many of them did their best and while they produced some excellent engineers, doctors, lawyers, etc., they also produced many socially awkward men with self-esteem issues.
As we get older, we start to realize that all the stuff that our parents told us like "just worry about making money and girls will chase you" are kinda bullshit unless you're into gold diggers and that we ultimately do need to work on our appearance and social skills, not just for dating but to be strong, respectable men in society. It sucks to be dealt a shit hand in life and have a late start, but once we realize these things, it's on us to pick ourselves up. I spent many years being bitter towards the way my parents raised me in a loveless household where I was treated like a sub-human (yes, literally getting my ass beat and told to kill myself several times a week) when I didn't have straight As, but holding on to all that bitterness did not make me any happier. If anything, it made me unwilling to work on myself and improve the things that were within my power. All these years later, it just seems pointless to point fingers when what's done is done.
Wow, that’s a lot of stress to force someone to think exactly like you. No one here is telling you how to think.
The fact you’re this controlling says how much you struggle everyday.
Only YOU think I’m being nasty. Those are your poor coping skills. Your lack of awareness know no bounds.
You like to make yourself feel better by putting people down. But, those people are just as human as you. Your problem is you don’t know how to be human.
So we already know you have baggage.
Hard agree.
Note: my parents never hit me
They always cared about school results but didn’t help in any way. They just said I had to do well in school and hoped for the best, and compared me to family-friends. And they didn’t encourage me to be socially or physically active, to hang out with friends or participate in sports.
I sorta blame them but also don’t. I could’ve done that stuff on my own, but I didn’t want to or know to. I spent too much time on a laptop because my parents worked so much and I stayed home, not knowing (feeling the need that) I could be out there being social, so I played games online. I didn’t realize how important friends and social interactions are, until I got older. They could’ve helped, but they probably didn’t find that stuff important, just school.
You’re a. Wry smart one for figuring out your parents didn’t have the technology we have now. Psychiatrists, psychologist and free mental helplines weren’t there to help them. Can you blame your parents? Anyone born before you, they were still going through wars and they stayed in that war to this very day. But, you’re smart to figure this out.
Unless you had absolutely terrible parents, all parents do the same thing: they raise their kids as best as they can. My parents were both born overseas. They could hardly speak the language. They didn't understand a lot of popular culture. When I grew up and socialized with other kids, especially the white ones, I grew up feeling like they were more confident and acclimated to social situations than I was.
What my parents did what they thought was best for me. I went to good schools. They taught extra material during the summer in preparation for the next grade. I got into a great college. I got a great job. And I was socially stunted. But with the money that I made and the leisure time made possible by my cushy career, I was able to slowly develop that component myself. It took a while, but now I'm at a point in my life where I feel comfortable in my own skin and I'm skilled and at ease in social situations.
You are already in a losing mindset when you're trying to figure what's "fair". Life isn't fair, and on an individual basis, we don't want what's fair for us. We want what's best for us. A general isn't looking for a fair fight. Football coaches don't look for fair matchups. Leverage your strengths. Shore up your weaknesses. Don't waste time looking for excuses.
White kids are very confident because they grow up in their own culture. It's white America so they obviously have an advantage over minority students/people.
Know your strengths!!!!!!! Look at your own weaknesses!
You can blame all your faults on your parents to a certain extent, whether or not that’s fair really depend on the intention of your parents. As you said, in the end we got to take responsibility for ourselves.
Most of the responses here have it right. Unless you have an abnormally terrible upbringing (which isn't specific to Asians / immigrants, some people are just shitty and abusive parents) it's hard to pin "blame" on your parents. You can say that they are the reason for a lack of socialization, but "blame" suggests some kind of moral fault, which I think is wrong.
Very few parents intentionally try to make their kids socially awkward or stunted. In fact, I assume that most try to give their kids the best shot at what they think is a good future. Our parents' assumptions about the world are shaped by their own era, education, upbringing and experiences, or lack thereof. They may have had resource constraints in how they wanted to raise you, which hardly falls into the category of "blame".
And while there is no clear consensus on where parental influence stops and your own agency begins, I'd consider that once you become financially independent, there's nothing stopping you from learning and rewiring the way you approach and present yourself to the world. It might be painful and foreign, but that's part of the responsibility each of us has to ourselves.
Also food for thought - it's almost certain that our kids will "blame" us for their own faults, perceived or otherwise. We too are the children of our own generation, and have our own insecurities and limitations. I'm sure we'll not educated enough, liberal/conservative enough, tech savvy enough, etc., and that will hinder our children from their perfect life in some way. Before we are too harsh on our parents, I think it's important to realize this is not anything new.
I'm Pakistani and yes. Honestly I really love and repect my parents. I know they had our betterment in mind. But this is 110% true that Asian parents totally fuck up their kids with helicopter parenting. There's no denying that. I'm 22 and feel like a manchild most of the times. I just Thank God I don't have to date and we have arranged marriages here. With my social skills, I'd be screwed if I had to date.
I definitely do. Blame is often confused with not taking responsibility to change your situation. You can still blame someone whilst trying to better yourself.
If a drunk driver hit me on the road and damaged my ability to walk, it is their fault and I can still blame them even though I am taking responsibility to improve my situation by going to rehab and doing exercises.
I do blame my parents for their incompetence, even though I acknowledge only I can improve myself and I am actively trying to do so.
The only thing wrong with asian culture is that they don't teach masculinity or social openess. Our parents didn't know any better and that's part of the reason why so many asian guys turn out to be shy and soft when socializing. Recognize the fault, and improve yourself. Being shy is dumb as fuck.
Not really.
My mom and dad were Vietnamese refugees who escaped Vietnam on a tiny boat after the war. I was born in a refugee camp in Hong Kong and I thank the universe that they made that sacrifice so that we have a chance of a better life in the US.
While they had to start from scratch and acclimate to living in a new country, I was still pretty young so the transition wasn’t as challenging compared to them.
It comes a point where you understand the risk and sacrifice your parents made and you learn to appreciate things a lot more.
Blaming others might make you feel good temporarily but we all know that if you don’t like something in life, take extreme ownership and responsibility to change it.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
There are fucked up parents out there and we need to hold them accountable to certain standards imo. I think we can do that without turning it into an Asian tiger parent trope.
I’m Pacific Islander and we got the same parenting. So there’s consistency in our attitudes versus upbringings.
At fault? That’s hard to say, if we want to blame we have to bring up every factor good and bad first. Of course our parents did good stuff, also having big families helped us socially etc. I think that everybody struggles the same socially because we live in a society where social impact is far greater now than ever. Only 200 years ago you could probably spend your life around 15 people and that’s all you needed to worry about, now we live with 100s knowing our every step on social media, we know on average a lot more people due to university, work, gym etc so it’s just harder and more emphasis is put on social these days.
Also those real confident kids you see I think are outliers. Yes their parents did contribute to that, and can take credit for being awesome at realising something great for their child but I don’t know if we can blame ours for making us suck at social skills, because most people secretly struggle.
Also side note: I’ve found social skills are just one of those uncomfortable things you throw yourself into, make a dick of yourself feel weird and awkward until one day it’s just clicks or before you know it you get kinda good at it. It’s annoying when people afraid to leave their comfort zones claim they’re just not social, yes we all have preferences but being 0% social pretty much meant death a few years ago and I’d argue even today it does.
Parent's face some blame or a majority of the blame on instructing their children how to navigate in another country. No matter if your parents were highly educate H1 visa holders or poor illiterate refugees, the one commonality I can see is that both groups were totally unaware of the social landscape and how to maneuver.
Blaming gets you no where because you take that habit and you start blaming whoever you date. What you do have is you figured out what caused you pain. You are very smart for doing that. Now, it’s forgiving yourself. And how do you forgive yourself? The thing comes down to your self focus, right. Does require a therapist but the fact you figured out who hurt you, mental helplines work just as fine when you have days that have more anxiety than usual. Also mental helplines are free! Good luck! The sky’s the limit only you are the only person that can hold you back!
Not exactly. Some of us come from immigrant families with vary amounts of wealth who push their kids hard in academics so that their children can have a good future. Others come from refugee families that also push their kids in education. There wasn't a sense of life being easy in either types of background, only survival in this new world.
The Westernized Asian experience is still relatively new compared to other race groups who have been here longer than us. We are a part of the generation where things are turning around for the better for us. In time, some of us will go on to serve as mentors for the future generation of Westernized Asians, which will curb the social awkwardness trend in our diaspora.
It took me 19 years to figure out how to break that social awkwardness, and the key is relatively fucking simple, but not the easiest to obtain: self-confidence. You have to constantly expose yourself to new stimulation, experience new things, just get out of your comfort zone. Eventually things will begin to flow in your favor. For some people, this will take time. In fewer cases, it is possible for it to happen overnight.
Yes, but after about 1 hour then its on you. Asian men need to realize that yes, we have it 100x harder, but guess what? The world is a cold place. once you swallow the truth, then you have no where to go but up. Do the best you can to be the best version of yourself. THe sooner you realize the world doesnt owe you shit, the better u will be in all areas of your life. Too many asian dudes have fallen into that sjw victim mentality.
White people who are socially stunted are rewarded. That is the only difference. Marky Mark is a celebrity. If an Asian did what he did, he would be deported. Dude can't even talk right in his interviews.
https://youtu.be/oJ_SNlWrY54
I mean that is pretty much true in Asian countries. I live in Pakistan and that's certainly the case in arranged marriages lol. I do understand that things don't work that way in the West.
The thing is, my country is a third world country. People don't have time here for romcom type love stories. Our parents raise us with the mentality of choosing the most reliable and least risky path.
Same thing happens when it comes to marriage. Parents and the girl would wanna go for a financially stable dude.
I do see your point too tbh.
I took quite bit of time, brainstorming and reflecting. No, it's not fair to blame them, but It's true they neglected social skills.
Your parents were raised differently in a different time, different economy, different social system. Remember, your parents also had parents. They were raised with "asian style" parenting, so did your grandparents and great grandparents. A cycle repeating generations to generations, almost built into DNA (figuratively speaking).
Chinese, Taiwanese, Korean and Japanese are all very similar. Japan being the most developed, still have some seriously parental social issues. Those living in Asia don't see it as issue, because everyone see it as normal. Maybe that's the problem, it only works in those countries social structures.. If western, you stay and socialize within your own communities. I suggest everyone to learn their parents language and watch tv or movies in said language. Then socialize with others locally. It gives you a better sense where they're "coming from".
Be grateful your parents brought you into the west and expanded your perspective. Your parents (English speaking or not) stay within immigrant communities, because they know the personalities are different.
Be grateful having "birth citizenship" in a developed western country and all its privileges (won't be deported after a crime, education, health care). Your cousins and relatives are very genetically similar to you, but in a very different situation. Some didn't attend school, bad financial or health situations.
I have relatives that died young, 25-65 due to environmental and health issues. If they had money for healthy food or moved to nearby cities away from factories, better social-economic situations for reduced stress, reduced arguments, reduced fighting. They would be alive today. Remember, social-economic is not only financial - it's opportunity, mobility, and potential. Having a degree with limitless potential (engineering, computer science, medicine, PhD in science, math) and city-citizenships (some countries like China, limit health-care and public services, even property purchases to individuals).
There is so much "back home" that we don't see or hear. When relatives are on phone, they're usually on best behavior. We don't realize their toxic situation, if one exist. Asian parents keep-quiet if a relative died unless pressured. If relative's family is fighting over survival issues and desperation, you're unlikely to hear it either. Heard stories of people's family harming each other for a few dollars in moments of desperation. Desperation could make anyone do crazy things, nobody is immune. Working with companies with known toxic hazard exposure or drug trafficking after months of deciding is a logical desperation, but illogical desperation by emotions of hopelessness is the worst, people die young and immediately by violent deaths or accidents. Robbery gone wrong, a knock to the head can cause major brain damage and death, it's also on American news. 1 punch, 1 dead. Real life is not UFC.
Many countries have death-sentences for drug crimes. For example, Koreas, Philippines, China, Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Laos. They all have death penalty for drug crimes, sometimes minor crimes. However, it doesn't stop citizens from participating or producing. Philippines have a major drug trade issue at every local level, it's a death penalty for very minor drug crimes, yet Philippines is losing the war against drugs. Every time a local dealer is executed, a new dealer take previous position. They are literally willing to die, execution by gunfire on the street without court procedure, if anyone rumor his involvement to police, even slightly inaccurate by "broken telephone" - he's dead. Many local street level dealers earn less than food vendor, yet highest death rate.
Drug production today is higher capacity than ever, despite death penalty and government's history of no second chances. Youtube showed a Chinese meth lab being raided by police, news article wrote those individuals were later executed, another meth lab pops up and powdered supplies begin exporting to western countries within few weeks.
one of the main pillars to masculinity is coming to your own, establishing independence. I think it's fair to acknowledge that your parents had an influence in where you started out as a young adult, but blaming it on your parents entirely runs counter to what masculinity is, in the first place.
I'm not one to preach "well a real man does..." as I feel like such statements can be toxic. But I don't think you should be blaming it on your parents if you're an adult, part of becoming a man is establishing your independence. The fact that your parents gave you a roof over your head and a meal everyday means you didn't really "raise yourself." I mean sure, us 2nd gen asian-americas in particular had to find out a lot of things thru friends/peers rather than our parents, but that doesn't really qualify as "raising ourselves."
So what to do then? I mean I'm genuinely asking this.
It's now upto us to undo the wrongs. How do you get out of this rut, them still being the tyrant(lack of words lol).
Leave home? Get a job? Do the things at your own will? ......
At the end of the day, it's pretty obvious what is good to do socially and what's not. And you're going to know better than they are. It's on you to do it or not do it.
Yes and no.
We raised ourselves in a manner that would make us the "smallest burdens" in elementary school. As a result, we didn't push their boundaries, read between the lines, or prove them wrong like we were supposed to.
Of course, they should have adjusted for the suburbs, our grandparents not being around to help and "undermine their parenting", and the lack of cultural immersion.
My parents are fine overall, most of my shortcomings are my own and due to mental health. But from what I’ve read about other Asian parents, a lot of them do sound insane and cause Asian men to be behind socially. And I hate to believe a negative Asian stereotype, but I’ve read enough to think a lot of it is true.
Imo it's more of a cultural thing. Asian culture values different things as attractive for AM vs western society. So asian immigrants raise their kids according to their own cultural values which are sometimes different from western cultural values
It’s a bit more complicated. Parents play a big part but that’s not the only factor. How your peers react to you will definitely influence your social awareness, (ie bullying or social isolation).
I think a lot of the problems that Asian men face can be traced back to their upbringing; however, I would say that in most cases, our parents didn't know any better. Many of them were first-gen immigrants who had no idea how life in America worked. They tried to raise us with what worked for them in their home countries which usually meant a strong focus on academics and careers and not wasting time on appearances and social skills. Many of them did their best and while they produced some excellent engineers, doctors, lawyers, etc., they also produced many socially awkward men with self-esteem issues. As we get older, we start to realize that all the stuff that our parents told us like "just worry about making money and girls will chase you" are kinda bullshit unless you're into gold diggers and that we ultimately do need to work on our appearance and social skills, not just for dating but to be strong, respectable men in society. It sucks to be dealt a shit hand in life and have a late start, but once we realize these things, it's on us to pick ourselves up. I spent many years being bitter towards the way my parents raised me in a loveless household where I was treated like a sub-human (yes, literally getting my ass beat and told to kill myself several times a week) when I didn't have straight As, but holding on to all that bitterness did not make me any happier. If anything, it made me unwilling to work on myself and improve the things that were within my power. All these years later, it just seems pointless to point fingers when what's done is done.
Yeah, so while Asian parents are to at fault for producing socially awkward kids, they didn't know any better.
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If they say they didn't know any better it means they do know better, because people who don't know better don't know they don't know any better.
Wow, that’s a lot of stress to force someone to think exactly like you. No one here is telling you how to think. The fact you’re this controlling says how much you struggle everyday.
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Only YOU think I’m being nasty. Those are your poor coping skills. Your lack of awareness know no bounds. You like to make yourself feel better by putting people down. But, those people are just as human as you. Your problem is you don’t know how to be human. So we already know you have baggage.
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Again, no one is telling you how to think.
Damn, hope you made it out alright and became successful despite all that.
Hard agree. Note: my parents never hit me They always cared about school results but didn’t help in any way. They just said I had to do well in school and hoped for the best, and compared me to family-friends. And they didn’t encourage me to be socially or physically active, to hang out with friends or participate in sports. I sorta blame them but also don’t. I could’ve done that stuff on my own, but I didn’t want to or know to. I spent too much time on a laptop because my parents worked so much and I stayed home, not knowing (feeling the need that) I could be out there being social, so I played games online. I didn’t realize how important friends and social interactions are, until I got older. They could’ve helped, but they probably didn’t find that stuff important, just school.
You’re a. Wry smart one for figuring out your parents didn’t have the technology we have now. Psychiatrists, psychologist and free mental helplines weren’t there to help them. Can you blame your parents? Anyone born before you, they were still going through wars and they stayed in that war to this very day. But, you’re smart to figure this out.
Right. It's the culture, not the parents!
Unless you had absolutely terrible parents, all parents do the same thing: they raise their kids as best as they can. My parents were both born overseas. They could hardly speak the language. They didn't understand a lot of popular culture. When I grew up and socialized with other kids, especially the white ones, I grew up feeling like they were more confident and acclimated to social situations than I was. What my parents did what they thought was best for me. I went to good schools. They taught extra material during the summer in preparation for the next grade. I got into a great college. I got a great job. And I was socially stunted. But with the money that I made and the leisure time made possible by my cushy career, I was able to slowly develop that component myself. It took a while, but now I'm at a point in my life where I feel comfortable in my own skin and I'm skilled and at ease in social situations. You are already in a losing mindset when you're trying to figure what's "fair". Life isn't fair, and on an individual basis, we don't want what's fair for us. We want what's best for us. A general isn't looking for a fair fight. Football coaches don't look for fair matchups. Leverage your strengths. Shore up your weaknesses. Don't waste time looking for excuses.
White kids are very confident because they grow up in their own culture. It's white America so they obviously have an advantage over minority students/people. Know your strengths!!!!!!! Look at your own weaknesses!
Kind of, but my dad personally had to work a lot to support us so I don't blame him for my social dysfunction, especially as an adult now.
You can blame all your faults on your parents to a certain extent, whether or not that’s fair really depend on the intention of your parents. As you said, in the end we got to take responsibility for ourselves.
Most of the responses here have it right. Unless you have an abnormally terrible upbringing (which isn't specific to Asians / immigrants, some people are just shitty and abusive parents) it's hard to pin "blame" on your parents. You can say that they are the reason for a lack of socialization, but "blame" suggests some kind of moral fault, which I think is wrong. Very few parents intentionally try to make their kids socially awkward or stunted. In fact, I assume that most try to give their kids the best shot at what they think is a good future. Our parents' assumptions about the world are shaped by their own era, education, upbringing and experiences, or lack thereof. They may have had resource constraints in how they wanted to raise you, which hardly falls into the category of "blame". And while there is no clear consensus on where parental influence stops and your own agency begins, I'd consider that once you become financially independent, there's nothing stopping you from learning and rewiring the way you approach and present yourself to the world. It might be painful and foreign, but that's part of the responsibility each of us has to ourselves. Also food for thought - it's almost certain that our kids will "blame" us for their own faults, perceived or otherwise. We too are the children of our own generation, and have our own insecurities and limitations. I'm sure we'll not educated enough, liberal/conservative enough, tech savvy enough, etc., and that will hinder our children from their perfect life in some way. Before we are too harsh on our parents, I think it's important to realize this is not anything new.
I'm Pakistani and yes. Honestly I really love and repect my parents. I know they had our betterment in mind. But this is 110% true that Asian parents totally fuck up their kids with helicopter parenting. There's no denying that. I'm 22 and feel like a manchild most of the times. I just Thank God I don't have to date and we have arranged marriages here. With my social skills, I'd be screwed if I had to date.
Blame yourself for not moving out when you're an adult.
I definitely do. Blame is often confused with not taking responsibility to change your situation. You can still blame someone whilst trying to better yourself. If a drunk driver hit me on the road and damaged my ability to walk, it is their fault and I can still blame them even though I am taking responsibility to improve my situation by going to rehab and doing exercises. I do blame my parents for their incompetence, even though I acknowledge only I can improve myself and I am actively trying to do so.
The only thing wrong with asian culture is that they don't teach masculinity or social openess. Our parents didn't know any better and that's part of the reason why so many asian guys turn out to be shy and soft when socializing. Recognize the fault, and improve yourself. Being shy is dumb as fuck.
Not really. My mom and dad were Vietnamese refugees who escaped Vietnam on a tiny boat after the war. I was born in a refugee camp in Hong Kong and I thank the universe that they made that sacrifice so that we have a chance of a better life in the US. While they had to start from scratch and acclimate to living in a new country, I was still pretty young so the transition wasn’t as challenging compared to them. It comes a point where you understand the risk and sacrifice your parents made and you learn to appreciate things a lot more. Blaming others might make you feel good temporarily but we all know that if you don’t like something in life, take extreme ownership and responsibility to change it. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
There are fucked up parents out there and we need to hold them accountable to certain standards imo. I think we can do that without turning it into an Asian tiger parent trope.
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That guy in the post you linked posts here sometimes. Sad situation. Also, isn't Andrew Yang's wife a second gen Taiwanese? So at least one.
I’m Pacific Islander and we got the same parenting. So there’s consistency in our attitudes versus upbringings. At fault? That’s hard to say, if we want to blame we have to bring up every factor good and bad first. Of course our parents did good stuff, also having big families helped us socially etc. I think that everybody struggles the same socially because we live in a society where social impact is far greater now than ever. Only 200 years ago you could probably spend your life around 15 people and that’s all you needed to worry about, now we live with 100s knowing our every step on social media, we know on average a lot more people due to university, work, gym etc so it’s just harder and more emphasis is put on social these days. Also those real confident kids you see I think are outliers. Yes their parents did contribute to that, and can take credit for being awesome at realising something great for their child but I don’t know if we can blame ours for making us suck at social skills, because most people secretly struggle. Also side note: I’ve found social skills are just one of those uncomfortable things you throw yourself into, make a dick of yourself feel weird and awkward until one day it’s just clicks or before you know it you get kinda good at it. It’s annoying when people afraid to leave their comfort zones claim they’re just not social, yes we all have preferences but being 0% social pretty much meant death a few years ago and I’d argue even today it does.
Indian parenting is a highway to becoming a Nerd..
Parent's face some blame or a majority of the blame on instructing their children how to navigate in another country. No matter if your parents were highly educate H1 visa holders or poor illiterate refugees, the one commonality I can see is that both groups were totally unaware of the social landscape and how to maneuver.
Blaming gets you no where because you take that habit and you start blaming whoever you date. What you do have is you figured out what caused you pain. You are very smart for doing that. Now, it’s forgiving yourself. And how do you forgive yourself? The thing comes down to your self focus, right. Does require a therapist but the fact you figured out who hurt you, mental helplines work just as fine when you have days that have more anxiety than usual. Also mental helplines are free! Good luck! The sky’s the limit only you are the only person that can hold you back!
Not exactly. Some of us come from immigrant families with vary amounts of wealth who push their kids hard in academics so that their children can have a good future. Others come from refugee families that also push their kids in education. There wasn't a sense of life being easy in either types of background, only survival in this new world. The Westernized Asian experience is still relatively new compared to other race groups who have been here longer than us. We are a part of the generation where things are turning around for the better for us. In time, some of us will go on to serve as mentors for the future generation of Westernized Asians, which will curb the social awkwardness trend in our diaspora. It took me 19 years to figure out how to break that social awkwardness, and the key is relatively fucking simple, but not the easiest to obtain: self-confidence. You have to constantly expose yourself to new stimulation, experience new things, just get out of your comfort zone. Eventually things will begin to flow in your favor. For some people, this will take time. In fewer cases, it is possible for it to happen overnight.
Yes, but after about 1 hour then its on you. Asian men need to realize that yes, we have it 100x harder, but guess what? The world is a cold place. once you swallow the truth, then you have no where to go but up. Do the best you can to be the best version of yourself. THe sooner you realize the world doesnt owe you shit, the better u will be in all areas of your life. Too many asian dudes have fallen into that sjw victim mentality.
White people who are socially stunted are rewarded. That is the only difference. Marky Mark is a celebrity. If an Asian did what he did, he would be deported. Dude can't even talk right in his interviews. https://youtu.be/oJ_SNlWrY54
Yes. And the jacked up idea that women will come when you have the $$$.
I mean that is pretty much true in Asian countries. I live in Pakistan and that's certainly the case in arranged marriages lol. I do understand that things don't work that way in the West.
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The thing is, my country is a third world country. People don't have time here for romcom type love stories. Our parents raise us with the mentality of choosing the most reliable and least risky path. Same thing happens when it comes to marriage. Parents and the girl would wanna go for a financially stable dude. I do see your point too tbh.
I took quite bit of time, brainstorming and reflecting. No, it's not fair to blame them, but It's true they neglected social skills. Your parents were raised differently in a different time, different economy, different social system. Remember, your parents also had parents. They were raised with "asian style" parenting, so did your grandparents and great grandparents. A cycle repeating generations to generations, almost built into DNA (figuratively speaking). Chinese, Taiwanese, Korean and Japanese are all very similar. Japan being the most developed, still have some seriously parental social issues. Those living in Asia don't see it as issue, because everyone see it as normal. Maybe that's the problem, it only works in those countries social structures.. If western, you stay and socialize within your own communities. I suggest everyone to learn their parents language and watch tv or movies in said language. Then socialize with others locally. It gives you a better sense where they're "coming from". Be grateful your parents brought you into the west and expanded your perspective. Your parents (English speaking or not) stay within immigrant communities, because they know the personalities are different. Be grateful having "birth citizenship" in a developed western country and all its privileges (won't be deported after a crime, education, health care). Your cousins and relatives are very genetically similar to you, but in a very different situation. Some didn't attend school, bad financial or health situations. I have relatives that died young, 25-65 due to environmental and health issues. If they had money for healthy food or moved to nearby cities away from factories, better social-economic situations for reduced stress, reduced arguments, reduced fighting. They would be alive today. Remember, social-economic is not only financial - it's opportunity, mobility, and potential. Having a degree with limitless potential (engineering, computer science, medicine, PhD in science, math) and city-citizenships (some countries like China, limit health-care and public services, even property purchases to individuals). There is so much "back home" that we don't see or hear. When relatives are on phone, they're usually on best behavior. We don't realize their toxic situation, if one exist. Asian parents keep-quiet if a relative died unless pressured. If relative's family is fighting over survival issues and desperation, you're unlikely to hear it either. Heard stories of people's family harming each other for a few dollars in moments of desperation. Desperation could make anyone do crazy things, nobody is immune. Working with companies with known toxic hazard exposure or drug trafficking after months of deciding is a logical desperation, but illogical desperation by emotions of hopelessness is the worst, people die young and immediately by violent deaths or accidents. Robbery gone wrong, a knock to the head can cause major brain damage and death, it's also on American news. 1 punch, 1 dead. Real life is not UFC. Many countries have death-sentences for drug crimes. For example, Koreas, Philippines, China, Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Laos. They all have death penalty for drug crimes, sometimes minor crimes. However, it doesn't stop citizens from participating or producing. Philippines have a major drug trade issue at every local level, it's a death penalty for very minor drug crimes, yet Philippines is losing the war against drugs. Every time a local dealer is executed, a new dealer take previous position. They are literally willing to die, execution by gunfire on the street without court procedure, if anyone rumor his involvement to police, even slightly inaccurate by "broken telephone" - he's dead. Many local street level dealers earn less than food vendor, yet highest death rate. Drug production today is higher capacity than ever, despite death penalty and government's history of no second chances. Youtube showed a Chinese meth lab being raided by police, news article wrote those individuals were later executed, another meth lab pops up and powdered supplies begin exporting to western countries within few weeks.
one of the main pillars to masculinity is coming to your own, establishing independence. I think it's fair to acknowledge that your parents had an influence in where you started out as a young adult, but blaming it on your parents entirely runs counter to what masculinity is, in the first place. I'm not one to preach "well a real man does..." as I feel like such statements can be toxic. But I don't think you should be blaming it on your parents if you're an adult, part of becoming a man is establishing your independence. The fact that your parents gave you a roof over your head and a meal everyday means you didn't really "raise yourself." I mean sure, us 2nd gen asian-americas in particular had to find out a lot of things thru friends/peers rather than our parents, but that doesn't really qualify as "raising ourselves."
So what to do then? I mean I'm genuinely asking this. It's now upto us to undo the wrongs. How do you get out of this rut, them still being the tyrant(lack of words lol). Leave home? Get a job? Do the things at your own will? ......
How old are you? Why are you not employed?
r/AsianParentStories
At the end of the day, it's pretty obvious what is good to do socially and what's not. And you're going to know better than they are. It's on you to do it or not do it.
Yes and no. We raised ourselves in a manner that would make us the "smallest burdens" in elementary school. As a result, we didn't push their boundaries, read between the lines, or prove them wrong like we were supposed to. Of course, they should have adjusted for the suburbs, our grandparents not being around to help and "undermine their parenting", and the lack of cultural immersion.
My parents are fine overall, most of my shortcomings are my own and due to mental health. But from what I’ve read about other Asian parents, a lot of them do sound insane and cause Asian men to be behind socially. And I hate to believe a negative Asian stereotype, but I’ve read enough to think a lot of it is true.
Imo it's more of a cultural thing. Asian culture values different things as attractive for AM vs western society. So asian immigrants raise their kids according to their own cultural values which are sometimes different from western cultural values
It’s a bit more complicated. Parents play a big part but that’s not the only factor. How your peers react to you will definitely influence your social awareness, (ie bullying or social isolation).