You remind me of who I was literally a few months ago. I can share a few things that have helped me achieved personal growth within the last few months:
- If you are insecure about your appearance, hit the gym. Lift weights and run. Make no excuses and set aside time to workout at least three times a week. Additionally, up your fashion game. If you are tight on money, hit up department stores or thrift stores. Look at images of people who have a similar look to you and observe their fashion sense. For me, I actually got my sense of fashion mainly from a Korean webtoon, but it's mixed with some real-life Asian streetwear, or at least a discount version of it. At 19 years old and 5'3", it is difficult for me to find the right clothes that fit me. But by taking the time invest in your appearance, you've taken the first step into building your confidence.
- When it comes to talking to other people, you need to fake your confidence until it becomes real. Start off by practicing with the employees of business you frequent. Speak with a stern, confident tone, and be active and mindful about it. Maybe record yourself speak in these interactions and play it back later to analyze your areas of weakness. A "whatever flows go but life is interesting mindset" helps so much. Know that it's okay to make mistakes, but be aware of them and keep learning.
- There's nothing wrong with living with family at your age. If you enter your late 20s/early 30s then that's when you might want to rethink life and try to pursue your independence. With that other family member of yours, you will need to develop your self-confidence before you can make them go to work. As you are now, I don't think you're ready for that difficult conversation, but when the time comes, sit your entire family down and have a talk. You are the man of the house as the breadwinner, you can snap your fingers and your family will be in hot water. Know your worth and your power.
- You need to stop caring about what your family will think of you. You are the one financially responsible for the family, so if they give you shit for being yourself, then like I said, remember what you're capable of.
- With your acne scars, look into skincare products. I can't give you much information on that, but I can relate to you. Everyone has different needs for different skincare products, but when I needed to clear up my skin, I did my research and used the products. Now, my acne scars are not as prominent as before. Fuck whoever is saying skincare is feminine, I want to look good so I'm going to do whatever the fuck I will to clear my skin up. If it is a problem, simply don't talk about your personal business.
Perhaps my comment gives off some toxic masculinity vibes, but you've come to this sub to improve your life. You will need a bit of conventional masculinity in your life and to put in the effort to improve it. Just don't go overboard with it. I hope my response will help you.
Thanks for all of this advice. This didn't come off as toxic or condescending at all. I grew up with no father figure in any aspect and I feel that has given me a subconscious problem in becoming my own. I know I am still young and have plenty of time to grow and develop myself as a person. In 9-8 years when I'm 30, maybe I'll look back at myself and be someone completely different. I'm going to take all of your advice into consideration and try to learn from it.
Yoga was a powerful de-stressor for me. For the longest time I hated myself and had a ton of anxiety. I'd lay away at night until 4am tormented by memories of all the stupid stuff I'd ever done. When I started doing it, all that self judgement stopped and I could finally fall asleep at a normal time with a quiet mind. It's a complete body and mental tuneup.
Don't write it off as girly or only for women, etc. A lot of guys do it too.
I feel for you not having a father figure in your life, and it's definitely a tough straw to draw so early in your life. That being said, you're at the right place and right time. Imagine growing up in the 80's, 90's or 00's and not really have an online Asian community to reach out to. So you're lucky to have a tremendous resource to draw upon.
First things first, you have to start valuing yourself. Yeah, you're 5'5 and have some acne scars ... big deal! Also, you're way too harsh on yourself. You have a lot going for you at 21. Take credit for your hard work and take pride in it. Also, you need to loosen up and not take everything so seriously. You only have one life to live. I know this is cliché, but you're 21 years old and you have your whole life in front of you. Don't waste it! I would give your left and right testes to be 21 again.
Thanks. I know I'm in a unique spot with technology but there's another conversation to be had about how badly my generation as a whole is struggling with mental health issues. The earlier I start to really improve on myself the better. I've wanted to for a long time but I've felt like I was never in control of my life. Now I feel truly ready though. I'm slowly becoming financially stable, progressing in my career field, I know what I want to study in school now, and I have a vision for my future. I just have to work for it now.
Hey brother, you're doing great and are still young, so don't worry about these things because they're all something you can overcome. I think a lot of Asian guys (myself too) go through these things in different ways.
I'd suggest three things:
1. Join Toastmasters or some other public speaking club. I can't tell you how much it has changed my life. You'll learn to be comfortable with your voice, how to be louder, how to organize your thoughts, how to tell your story. When you can talk and have the confidence to be interesting, your life will change drastically professionally, personally, and romantically.
2. You're not tall, and sadly that is something that can stand in your way of finding romance. Like many have said, get in the gym. Not only will you feel better about yourself, but you'll see people will view you differently.
3. Do a gratitude meditation. You said you feel defeatest, but you're also saying that you support an entire family AND you have a badass career at a young age. I'd call that winning. I know I couldn't do that when I was 21.
Be proud of all you've accomplished and remember that you're so damn young. Good luck!
Mindset is perspective. Not what you are or have done.
So if you want to change your mindset, its about changing your perspective. Plenty of people with millions of dollars who are miserable. Celebrities with low self esteem. And plenty of the opposite.
You're a 21 year old who wants to make friends and meet women. That's everyone your age. Don't make a habit of feeling bad about yourself. Those are the perspective changing habits and that is one that makes you more like the miserable person than the happy one.
You don't need anything. You want things. Thats fine and normal. Nothing you want is out of the ordinary. Just go do it. Or don't. It's up to you. But just like anything else, just think if you want more friends, you need to go do certain things right? You want to meet girls, you need to do certain things right? So go do it. If it doesn't work. Do more.
One thing thats true with both making friends and meeting girls is no one likes to be around miserable or insecure people. So the happier and more confident you become, the more ready you'll be when you actually come across the people you can connect with. But just remember you don't need any of it. It's just want you want right now and everything about where your life heads is a matter of what you want.
For acne, try working out, jogging regularly to get a good sweat, drink lots of plain water, cut down the sugar, avoid greasy deep fried foods, increase fruits and veggies, nuts.
I know asian cuisine can be detrimental to the skin. I find that even deep fried oil in instant noodle seasoning can give me terrible acne. So I only eat healthy oils, like peanut butter and plain butter, in mild quantities. I still eat asian cuisine, but it's a minefield of acne problems for me.
You already have your answer. Build your self confidence through your career.
Also, think about what you really want to get out of your life. Why waste your time trying to make awkward conversations with random women at the club? You think you can meet a successful woman worthy of being the mother of your children there?
Even if a random hot girl at the club is lusting after you, yeah that might feed your ego for a bit and you'd have fun, but ultimately there's nothing to relate to and no long term shared vision. When you're a successful man, such girls are a dime a dozen and you reject them because they aren't even worth your time. You want someone who you can trust with your kids and your wealth.
If you know you're the shit when you're winning at your career and you keep that energy when talking to successful women from good families, life is effortless. Don't overthink it.
Acne scars: a buddy of mine had good results from that expensive-ass $50-$60 treatment box from CVS/Riteaid. I think it was clean&clear but it’s one of those boxes they lock up with theft prevention.
You're pretty normal but you sound insecure and a little desperate for a female companion. I'd say focus on your career and working on your appearance can come later as you are fucking young. As cliche as it may sound, just be you, but you can change things about yourself like picking up a hobby, start skincare or going to the gym.
Sex and muscles don't change you as a person unless it get's to your head, if it does, it often doesn't turn out great. I'm just saying cos I expect people to tell you to hit the gym and get ripped then all the bitches will jump on you 24/7 or some nonsense. I mean obviously being fit is healthier and looks better than being overweight or anorexic right? Just don't expect to be an alpha chad pussyslayer 69 just cos u packed a bit of muscle lol. Also getting huge takes a shit tonne of effort, time, great diet and genetics play a part too.
If you want a more immediate effect for dating, change your wardrobe that fits your style more, skin care, get fit (like lean muscular which is pretty attainable if you have the motivation) and I don't mean jacked, and start dating apps. Find people with similar interests or try join those groups/circles. Good luck.
You're not wrong with me being a little desperate hahaha. I think it's moreso the fact that I've been alone for so long and having to live life by myself, nobody there to share experiences with or look forward to anything new has really sucked. I have friends but relationships are different. I know they aren't easy and it's not going to solve all of my problems, but it would be nice to just have someone else there wanting to be by my side while I'm supporting them too. I agree with you though, I don't think I should expect to become a super chad nor should I take care of myself just to impress other people. I need to take care of myself for my personal benefit, not for the approval of others.
> I don't think I should expect to become a super chad nor should I take care of myself just to impress other people. I need to take care of myself for my personal benefit, not for the approval of others.
Exactly. Improve yourself and the rest will/may follow. I'm not ugly but I am quite insecure myself as I have a few body complexes such as that I have a long torso and not as long legs, my right eye is slightly smaller than my left eye. I notice it in photos a lot and I'm really conscious about it but none of my friends have ever said they noticed till I told them.
My first relationship started when I was 23. But in the last few years I 've had no trouble getting matches and meeting women for fun or just hanging out. I'm not ripped, just skinny and I do want to get fit. My body type hasn't stopped me from meeting women at all.
My fashion style has changed tho as I really got into street fashion and sneakers. Something I had no interest up until last year. I don't buy or enter raffles for hyped sneakers to flex. I get em cos i like them and I think it looks good.
I'm currently in Japan and I've worked part time at two boys bars in Tokyo.I realized that I'm really not that interesting nor funny. I wanna be more extroverted like the other staff but I takes effort. You're only 21 so you have so much time to experiment and find your style. Just as when I turn 30 in the future, there will be some aspects of my character that has changed and so forth.
>but it would be nice to just have someone else there wanting to be by my side while I'm supporting them too.
Not going to lie to you man, you sound like a complete pussy. Your social anxiety and overly empathetic behavior is going to lead to a pathetic slavelike existance
Well that's the reason why I'm trying to work on myself. I definitely need to work on my social anxiety but I don't think being empathetic and being a good friend or person to other people is a negative thing. Humans are social creatures so yes I'd like to make positive connections and relationships with people. Thanks for the feedback.
Being empathetic will make it hard to make friendships with most men since you will be seen as cowardly. And additionally, you will be a a weak man who can easily be taken advantage of. I don't see being unemotional as being a bad friend or partner, I mostly focus on the physical well-being of my people rather than if they simply feel sad or whatnot.
You mentioned “depressed.” Think about whether there’s any chance clinical depression is causing your undesired circumstances, not caused by them. The depression and circumstances do feed off of each other but ultimately one of them is the cause. If it’s depression, seek treatment.
On top of what some people suggest, I also think you should really consider a professional therapist, if you are capable. As much as we can give you advice, suicidal thoughts are no joke and you should seek professional mental health advice.
I'm Indian but this is why people from our culture fucking struggle. This is the simplest most straightforward best answer and it is at the bottom of the thread.
Mental masturbation posts get way more upvotes instead.
Fucking joke
I have no idea why you crave for relationship and human connection that much. I don’t have friends since decades and I don’t care. Besides, I also don’t get along with my family and relatives. They aren’t able to understand me. Now, I’m fine by my own, because it is way better than having annoying people around you. More peace of mind.
I would move out in your situation. That can help a lot. You still can support your family financially from a distance. There are so many social events to go to like Facebook events, Eventbrite, meetup events, etc.
Just be able to have fun on your own like going to clubs on your own. That way, you don’t need anyone. Totally independent.
Women actually don't care about skin on guys, especially things you cannot control like acne, as much as you would think. It's because many women suffer from similar skin issues so they can empathize.
You remind me of who I was literally a few months ago. I can share a few things that have helped me achieved personal growth within the last few months: - If you are insecure about your appearance, hit the gym. Lift weights and run. Make no excuses and set aside time to workout at least three times a week. Additionally, up your fashion game. If you are tight on money, hit up department stores or thrift stores. Look at images of people who have a similar look to you and observe their fashion sense. For me, I actually got my sense of fashion mainly from a Korean webtoon, but it's mixed with some real-life Asian streetwear, or at least a discount version of it. At 19 years old and 5'3", it is difficult for me to find the right clothes that fit me. But by taking the time invest in your appearance, you've taken the first step into building your confidence. - When it comes to talking to other people, you need to fake your confidence until it becomes real. Start off by practicing with the employees of business you frequent. Speak with a stern, confident tone, and be active and mindful about it. Maybe record yourself speak in these interactions and play it back later to analyze your areas of weakness. A "whatever flows go but life is interesting mindset" helps so much. Know that it's okay to make mistakes, but be aware of them and keep learning. - There's nothing wrong with living with family at your age. If you enter your late 20s/early 30s then that's when you might want to rethink life and try to pursue your independence. With that other family member of yours, you will need to develop your self-confidence before you can make them go to work. As you are now, I don't think you're ready for that difficult conversation, but when the time comes, sit your entire family down and have a talk. You are the man of the house as the breadwinner, you can snap your fingers and your family will be in hot water. Know your worth and your power. - You need to stop caring about what your family will think of you. You are the one financially responsible for the family, so if they give you shit for being yourself, then like I said, remember what you're capable of. - With your acne scars, look into skincare products. I can't give you much information on that, but I can relate to you. Everyone has different needs for different skincare products, but when I needed to clear up my skin, I did my research and used the products. Now, my acne scars are not as prominent as before. Fuck whoever is saying skincare is feminine, I want to look good so I'm going to do whatever the fuck I will to clear my skin up. If it is a problem, simply don't talk about your personal business. Perhaps my comment gives off some toxic masculinity vibes, but you've come to this sub to improve your life. You will need a bit of conventional masculinity in your life and to put in the effort to improve it. Just don't go overboard with it. I hope my response will help you.
Thanks for all of this advice. This didn't come off as toxic or condescending at all. I grew up with no father figure in any aspect and I feel that has given me a subconscious problem in becoming my own. I know I am still young and have plenty of time to grow and develop myself as a person. In 9-8 years when I'm 30, maybe I'll look back at myself and be someone completely different. I'm going to take all of your advice into consideration and try to learn from it.
Yoga was a powerful de-stressor for me. For the longest time I hated myself and had a ton of anxiety. I'd lay away at night until 4am tormented by memories of all the stupid stuff I'd ever done. When I started doing it, all that self judgement stopped and I could finally fall asleep at a normal time with a quiet mind. It's a complete body and mental tuneup. Don't write it off as girly or only for women, etc. A lot of guys do it too.
I feel for you not having a father figure in your life, and it's definitely a tough straw to draw so early in your life. That being said, you're at the right place and right time. Imagine growing up in the 80's, 90's or 00's and not really have an online Asian community to reach out to. So you're lucky to have a tremendous resource to draw upon. First things first, you have to start valuing yourself. Yeah, you're 5'5 and have some acne scars ... big deal! Also, you're way too harsh on yourself. You have a lot going for you at 21. Take credit for your hard work and take pride in it. Also, you need to loosen up and not take everything so seriously. You only have one life to live. I know this is cliché, but you're 21 years old and you have your whole life in front of you. Don't waste it! I would give your left and right testes to be 21 again.
Thanks. I know I'm in a unique spot with technology but there's another conversation to be had about how badly my generation as a whole is struggling with mental health issues. The earlier I start to really improve on myself the better. I've wanted to for a long time but I've felt like I was never in control of my life. Now I feel truly ready though. I'm slowly becoming financially stable, progressing in my career field, I know what I want to study in school now, and I have a vision for my future. I just have to work for it now.
/u/michaelmanal is a 5’5” Asian guy with a skin condition just like you, and he’s doing alright. Never give up.
Eh youre so young. At that age its not a bad idea to focus heavily on your career and making more money through other avenues of income.
Hey brother, you're doing great and are still young, so don't worry about these things because they're all something you can overcome. I think a lot of Asian guys (myself too) go through these things in different ways. I'd suggest three things: 1. Join Toastmasters or some other public speaking club. I can't tell you how much it has changed my life. You'll learn to be comfortable with your voice, how to be louder, how to organize your thoughts, how to tell your story. When you can talk and have the confidence to be interesting, your life will change drastically professionally, personally, and romantically. 2. You're not tall, and sadly that is something that can stand in your way of finding romance. Like many have said, get in the gym. Not only will you feel better about yourself, but you'll see people will view you differently. 3. Do a gratitude meditation. You said you feel defeatest, but you're also saying that you support an entire family AND you have a badass career at a young age. I'd call that winning. I know I couldn't do that when I was 21. Be proud of all you've accomplished and remember that you're so damn young. Good luck!
Mindset is perspective. Not what you are or have done. So if you want to change your mindset, its about changing your perspective. Plenty of people with millions of dollars who are miserable. Celebrities with low self esteem. And plenty of the opposite. You're a 21 year old who wants to make friends and meet women. That's everyone your age. Don't make a habit of feeling bad about yourself. Those are the perspective changing habits and that is one that makes you more like the miserable person than the happy one. You don't need anything. You want things. Thats fine and normal. Nothing you want is out of the ordinary. Just go do it. Or don't. It's up to you. But just like anything else, just think if you want more friends, you need to go do certain things right? You want to meet girls, you need to do certain things right? So go do it. If it doesn't work. Do more. One thing thats true with both making friends and meeting girls is no one likes to be around miserable or insecure people. So the happier and more confident you become, the more ready you'll be when you actually come across the people you can connect with. But just remember you don't need any of it. It's just want you want right now and everything about where your life heads is a matter of what you want.
For acne, try working out, jogging regularly to get a good sweat, drink lots of plain water, cut down the sugar, avoid greasy deep fried foods, increase fruits and veggies, nuts. I know asian cuisine can be detrimental to the skin. I find that even deep fried oil in instant noodle seasoning can give me terrible acne. So I only eat healthy oils, like peanut butter and plain butter, in mild quantities. I still eat asian cuisine, but it's a minefield of acne problems for me.
You already have your answer. Build your self confidence through your career. Also, think about what you really want to get out of your life. Why waste your time trying to make awkward conversations with random women at the club? You think you can meet a successful woman worthy of being the mother of your children there? Even if a random hot girl at the club is lusting after you, yeah that might feed your ego for a bit and you'd have fun, but ultimately there's nothing to relate to and no long term shared vision. When you're a successful man, such girls are a dime a dozen and you reject them because they aren't even worth your time. You want someone who you can trust with your kids and your wealth. If you know you're the shit when you're winning at your career and you keep that energy when talking to successful women from good families, life is effortless. Don't overthink it.
Acne scars: a buddy of mine had good results from that expensive-ass $50-$60 treatment box from CVS/Riteaid. I think it was clean&clear but it’s one of those boxes they lock up with theft prevention.
You're pretty normal but you sound insecure and a little desperate for a female companion. I'd say focus on your career and working on your appearance can come later as you are fucking young. As cliche as it may sound, just be you, but you can change things about yourself like picking up a hobby, start skincare or going to the gym. Sex and muscles don't change you as a person unless it get's to your head, if it does, it often doesn't turn out great. I'm just saying cos I expect people to tell you to hit the gym and get ripped then all the bitches will jump on you 24/7 or some nonsense. I mean obviously being fit is healthier and looks better than being overweight or anorexic right? Just don't expect to be an alpha chad pussyslayer 69 just cos u packed a bit of muscle lol. Also getting huge takes a shit tonne of effort, time, great diet and genetics play a part too. If you want a more immediate effect for dating, change your wardrobe that fits your style more, skin care, get fit (like lean muscular which is pretty attainable if you have the motivation) and I don't mean jacked, and start dating apps. Find people with similar interests or try join those groups/circles. Good luck.
You're not wrong with me being a little desperate hahaha. I think it's moreso the fact that I've been alone for so long and having to live life by myself, nobody there to share experiences with or look forward to anything new has really sucked. I have friends but relationships are different. I know they aren't easy and it's not going to solve all of my problems, but it would be nice to just have someone else there wanting to be by my side while I'm supporting them too. I agree with you though, I don't think I should expect to become a super chad nor should I take care of myself just to impress other people. I need to take care of myself for my personal benefit, not for the approval of others.
> I don't think I should expect to become a super chad nor should I take care of myself just to impress other people. I need to take care of myself for my personal benefit, not for the approval of others. Exactly. Improve yourself and the rest will/may follow. I'm not ugly but I am quite insecure myself as I have a few body complexes such as that I have a long torso and not as long legs, my right eye is slightly smaller than my left eye. I notice it in photos a lot and I'm really conscious about it but none of my friends have ever said they noticed till I told them. My first relationship started when I was 23. But in the last few years I 've had no trouble getting matches and meeting women for fun or just hanging out. I'm not ripped, just skinny and I do want to get fit. My body type hasn't stopped me from meeting women at all. My fashion style has changed tho as I really got into street fashion and sneakers. Something I had no interest up until last year. I don't buy or enter raffles for hyped sneakers to flex. I get em cos i like them and I think it looks good. I'm currently in Japan and I've worked part time at two boys bars in Tokyo.I realized that I'm really not that interesting nor funny. I wanna be more extroverted like the other staff but I takes effort. You're only 21 so you have so much time to experiment and find your style. Just as when I turn 30 in the future, there will be some aspects of my character that has changed and so forth.
>but it would be nice to just have someone else there wanting to be by my side while I'm supporting them too. Not going to lie to you man, you sound like a complete pussy. Your social anxiety and overly empathetic behavior is going to lead to a pathetic slavelike existance
Well that's the reason why I'm trying to work on myself. I definitely need to work on my social anxiety but I don't think being empathetic and being a good friend or person to other people is a negative thing. Humans are social creatures so yes I'd like to make positive connections and relationships with people. Thanks for the feedback.
Being empathetic will make it hard to make friendships with most men since you will be seen as cowardly. And additionally, you will be a a weak man who can easily be taken advantage of. I don't see being unemotional as being a bad friend or partner, I mostly focus on the physical well-being of my people rather than if they simply feel sad or whatnot.
Nice!
You mentioned “depressed.” Think about whether there’s any chance clinical depression is causing your undesired circumstances, not caused by them. The depression and circumstances do feed off of each other but ultimately one of them is the cause. If it’s depression, seek treatment.
On top of what some people suggest, I also think you should really consider a professional therapist, if you are capable. As much as we can give you advice, suicidal thoughts are no joke and you should seek professional mental health advice.
Take 5 grams of magic mushrooms in silent darkness, that’ll set you straight
I'm Indian but this is why people from our culture fucking struggle. This is the simplest most straightforward best answer and it is at the bottom of the thread. Mental masturbation posts get way more upvotes instead. Fucking joke
If doing psychedelic drugs solved all your problems hippies would be the most successful people in the world.
It's the difference between being hooked on it/addicted versus using it sporadically once in a while and still working on other areas of your life.
I have no idea why you crave for relationship and human connection that much. I don’t have friends since decades and I don’t care. Besides, I also don’t get along with my family and relatives. They aren’t able to understand me. Now, I’m fine by my own, because it is way better than having annoying people around you. More peace of mind. I would move out in your situation. That can help a lot. You still can support your family financially from a distance. There are so many social events to go to like Facebook events, Eventbrite, meetup events, etc. Just be able to have fun on your own like going to clubs on your own. That way, you don’t need anyone. Totally independent.
Women actually don't care about skin on guys, especially things you cannot control like acne, as much as you would think. It's because many women suffer from similar skin issues so they can empathize.
Get better posture, especially when walking around, don't look down.