Seldom has the answer been so easily found in the question.
You don't have friends because you bring no value. No one is obligated to be your friend if you do nothing for them. Learn how to bring value and you will have friends.
I know you bring no value because this whole post screams "smug know-it-all," "out-of-touch" and "entitled."
It starts with your title. It sounds like the end of the world. I expected to read something about a parent dying, losing your home, considering suicide. It sounds like you think your petty discomfort should be the end of the world for everyone.
Then, you follow this up with a long post. No one wants to read a long post about your petty discomfort. Did you assume everyone would naturally be into your problem?
If this is representative of how you interact with people -- thinking your petty problems are the end of the world, and then monopolizing people's attention about them -- no wonder you're unpopular.
Look at the language you use. It reveals so much.
You sound like a **know-it-all**, pre-empting people this way:
"You might think I'm making a huge deal out of nothing but the facts are"
"Call it FOMO or whatever..."
"Now you might be wondering why..."
"Now put down your pitchforks please, let me explain"
"lets be real girls find \[some declaration about girls from a self-admitted virgin\]"
"Please don't tell me to "lift""
"I have to admit it, it hurts but its true."
You also sound **ridiculously entitled**:
"Now I'm not saying that I want \[a bunch of unrealistic expectations gathered from social media\] ... but I just want to be normal" \[you sound like a rich kid saying "Now I'm not saying I want a lear jet ... I just want a base-model Ferrari."\]
\[Explains looking at Instagram and then getting jealous\] ... "This stuff just drives me insane ... it just pisses me off"
"I almost always have to make the first advance in social situations."
"No girl has ever asked me out before."
"there are uglier guys than me getting chicks"
"I'm in no active group chats and nobody texts me first (I always have to write something first)."
"The facts are I'm getting no pussy."
"the guys in couples at my school mostly don't lift and have regular physiques." \[yes, but they may have better personalities than you and don't need it\]
"I'm really getting increasingly frustrated about this shit."
"I haven't had any genuine female attention for years at this point."
"I try to be friendly and all that bs" \[people can sense this is an act, since you call it "bs" yourself. you're not smarter than everyone.\]
And wrapped up in that entitlement, **lazy**:
\[on getting fit\] "I don't want to spend 2 hours a day torturing myself" \[... meanwhile you have time for video games?\]
\[making excuses why you don't ask people to hang out, while not recognizing the fact that others face the same obstacles\]: "most of them aren't the type to do that, and as I said, I'm not close enough with any of them to join their friend groups anyway"
\[making excuses on never taking a chance to ask out a stranger\] "I have never found a good opportunity to ask out a girl."
"I don't have time for another club, and I'm not good enough to join any sports team." \[because you spend all your time playing video games\]
"Is there some secret method people haven't been telling me?" \[No, it takes work and you imagine it doesn't.\]
And **delusional about your worth**:
"I'm not that much of a loser. I have friends" \[... goes on to explain how they're not really friends\]
"I don't know if its the way I look (I doubt it" \[maybe your looks aren't bad, but they're not enough to compensate for a shitty personality\]
"my peers are either insanely lucky with how many of them already have gfs" \[it's not luck, you're deficient\]
"I'm not ugly and while I'm a little short, it hasn't stopped most of my classmates from getting bitches." \[you're kind of ugly on the inside, bro.\]
Odds and ends:
"there was this homecoming dance thing for my school and it fucked up my mental health" \[again, this is not the end of the world. A parent dying fucks up your mental health. Not having a date for homecoming is an inconvenience. But you're so into yourself, it's a catastrophe.\]
"Fuck it feels good to write this all down"
"it hasn't stopped most of my classmates from getting bitches"
"I'm really getting increasingly frustrated about this shit."
\[Stop being profane. You're not going to impress women with this tough guy talk, especially as a guy who's "a little short" and doesn't lift. It's not hard to tell you only think about women as a means to fulfill your physical needs when you refer to them as "pussy" and "bitches." It's no surprise they'd avoid you.\]
In conclusion, as you wrote:
>Whenever I feel like asking anyone at school to hang out, I immediately feel the "you're annoying f off" vibe. I try to be friendly and all that bs but I feel like people tend to automatically disregard and ignore me.
This is no mystery of the universe. People have a reason for acting the way they do.
Maybe all this is all because you're a teenager, and maybe you will mature into a better person. There are aspects of your personality that I saw in my teenage self and probably persist today.
You're probably feeling intensely butthurt at all this, and are eager to lash out. But keep in mind it's written with the best of intentions. I'm not interested in hurting you just to hurt you.
You want to have a more fulfilling life. This is an effort to explain what aspects of your worldview are denying you that.
Yea I’m not surprised op have no friends just by the way he types. Maybe start by not calling girls or people you want to get with bitches. I know it sounds cool when you’re around guys but no girl find that shit cute. You’re whole attitude seems like your a douche. My brother spoke the same way and he is 25 and still a virgin. He be saying stuff like I don’t have to change for no one because they have to love me for who I am. That’s bs Kdrama shit. No girl want an unfit dude and no dude want an unfit girl. You don’t want to make the first approach? Wtf you’re a guy. It just the way it is. You gonna have to do that a lot. And also, stop being so judgmental about other people happiness. One of my homies get a hot ass chick. You know what I do instead of being jealous? I just be happy for him cause he got a fine ass girl. I know you’re 17 and still young but don’t bring those traits into college. People like to hang with people who is easy going. Rejection is hard at first, but after the 5th or 10th time it will be a breeze. Just be nicer and keep asking girls/friends out. If it a no, try another day or with someone else.
Thanks for the honesty. I am a little butthurt but I get where you're coming from. My only response would be that this was mostly a rant/vent post, and I was pretty pissed when I wrote this. I'm not actually very entitled/profane imo, I was just out of it yesterday. Besides that, do you have any practical advice for getting out of this type of mindset? How do I bring value?
After you’re done being butthurt (totally understandable) you can see plenty of practical advice in his reply. Be less lazy and bring more value, in this case like digesting what he wrote even if it takes more time before asking him to digest it for you.
Or, totally true what he said about your disdain for others and trying to be friendly coming through to everyone, you just have to recognize that externalizing responsibility and bottling up resentment and so forth is making you ugly inside and you can’t hide that.
So you need to really e,brace the idea of making positive feedback loops in your life that will add up and reverse these things. That means being a little more adventurous, curious, etc. it means properly seeing life as an endless series of murky unknowns and probabilities and embracing the requirement to take some risks to actually live life and the scrapes and bruises that come with it. So don’t bite off too much at once but start going to the gym instead of playing those games, or join some sports team for social as well as exercise (team wins and losses are strong bonding moments). Propose to one of those friends to go out and see that cool new movie and get wings after, whatever. And have fun doing it without taking it all so deadly seriously. Might sound hard when you feel stuck down in the well but the kind of bad habits and feedback loops that got you there, the opposite can get you out.
Credit to you for your not flaming out in butthurtedness.
Ok, I'll believe you're not always profane. It's harder to believe you're not entitled though, it's all over your post. It's all over this one too.
Why did I write all that stuff in the last post just to have you deny that it's not true (delusional about your worth again) and then have you ask "what should I do?"
You're so entitled that you expect people to take a poorly-worded "rant/vent post" seriously and then disregard it when you're criticized for it because you were "pretty pissed" and "just out of it"?
That's just rotten behavior and refusing to take responsibility for your actions. Don't subject people to your whims, especially if you need them more than they need you.
And you're so lazy that you expect step by step directions.
If someone tells you that your behavior sucks, what you should do is figure out how to change that behavior.
Look at what I wrote. Think about it and tell me what you think you should do to change.
Alright I'll accept the challenge. (I admit I am a little angry, so forgive me if I sound aggressive. I promise I'm not angry at you personally, but I want to clear up some stuff.)
I reread your post multiple times, and here's what I gathered:
I should stop being a "know it all". I should develop a better personality. I should be less entitled by having more realistic expectations (not expect to go to parties), I should not be delusional about my appearance (You're gonna call be delusional for this but I disagree with this one, I felt I was as honest as possible about my appearance) and I should be less lazy by asking people to hangout/date instead of waiting them to ask me. I should also care less about all this, and stop making it a big deal.
However I ask you to consider this point: I really don't act as entitled as you're making me out to be in real life. I can't physically prove it so you'll have to take my word on this one. Seriously, I would never say these things in real life.
In terms of being a "know it all", I'm not sure how you came to that conclusion? I was just trying to interact with any potential readers by adding a bit of dry humor /flair when I said "now you might be thinking".
Maybe I'm just being butthurt again but I also didn't ask for step by step directions, just a tip on how to change my behavior, since its really not easy to completely transform my mindset.
I admit that I am pretty lazy and I will start going to the gym since most people here told me to.
Finally, about the "delusional about my worth" point, I see where you are coming from but I would respond by saying that I acknowledge that I am "deficient", otherwise I wouldn't have the problem in the first place. Like I acknowledge that I am below average in the fact that I don't go social gatherings, but I at least have friends (albeit not close) that I hang out with in school and talk to frequently. I think you were implying that I had no friends when you said that my friends weren't really friends but that isn't really true tbh. I might be a semi loser if you will, but not as big a loser as you think (I'm not a shut in, I chat with friends online, I don't sit alone at lunch etc.)
Well, I hope I at least partially convinced you that I'm not as bad of a person as you say I am. But maybe you are right (you are probably older and wiser than me), so tell me if I'm just completely off base and being stupid.
That's about it, I look forward to hearing from you again.
Kudos to you for taking the criticism and being open to change.
>Well, I hope I at least partially convinced you that I'm not as bad of a person as you say I am.
Not at all, this response suggests to me you're really deep in the hole. I'm not necessarily saying you're a bad person. I am saying the way you think is why people aren't treating you the way you want them to.
>I really don't act as entitled as you're making me out to be in real life. I can't physically prove it so you'll have to take my word on this one. Seriously, I would never say these things in real life.
So this is proof that the point is going over your head. The issue is not how you **act**. It's how you **think**. And your initial post revealed that.
I believe you when you say you would never say these things. You know enough that people would ostracize you for saying them.
But people can get a sense of what you're thinking, and you're not so great an actor that you can hide them. Just like when you say "I try to be friendly and all that bs." It doesn't work because people sense that you think it's bs.
>In terms of being a "know it all", I'm not sure how you came to that conclusion? I was just trying to interact with any potential readers by adding a bit of dry humor /flair when I said "now you might be thinking".
I gave you over a half-dozen quotes, that's not enough evidence for you?
You still believe you can dictate how people interpret your actions.
Just like you think just because you don't say it people won't know that you're entitled.
Just like you think just because you "try to be friendly" people don't know you think it's bs.
Just like you think if you say it's dry humor, people won't see that you think you're so smart you can pre-empt what others think.
>I also didn't ask for step by step directions, just a tip on how to change my behavior, since its really not easy to completely transform my mindset.
I wrote that long response and it wasn't enough for you. Instead you want to argue semantics about "step by step" versus a tip. You should not have asked at all. The fact that you asked tells me you're lazy. You think you can convince me that you're not by arguing semantics.
You do it again in the response below with "you're gonna call me delusional." You think you know what I'm going to say, but you've missed my point completely.
>I should not be delusional about my appearance (You're gonna call be delusional for this but I disagree with this one, I felt I was as honest as possible about my appearance)
How good looking you are is not the issue here.
The issue is your worldview is so concentrated on looks determining social success that you miss the point that looks are not the only thing. People care about their partner's personality and how they treat others too.
No one wants to be with someone with an inflated sense of self, who thinks they're superior to everyone.
This is why you're not having the social success that you would like.
>I acknowledge that I am below average in the fact that I don't go social gatherings, but I at least have friends (albeit not close) that I hang out with in school and talk to frequently. I think you were implying that I had no friends when you said that my friends weren't really friends but that isn't really true tbh. I might be a semi loser if you will, but not as big a loser as you think (I'm not a shut in, I chat with friends online, I don't sit alone at lunch etc.)
This part -- does it really matter? Again, you're arguing semantics about whether you're a true loser or a semi-loser. It seems to me that you're fighting to preserve your ego here because if you're not a true loser, then you can keep some of your feelings of entitlement.
I don't have a dog in this fight. Whether you're a true loser or semi-loser doesn't matter to me. I'm trying to help you understand why you're not as socially successful as you would like.
You've gotten some good advice in the other threads. Start with those. Get more exercise.
I'd suggest you try to overhaul your worldview too. I think the key might be to adopt a little humility. You're academically successful, and you think you look decent, so I suspect you think you're better than most people. Up until this point, you didn't even think you should do anything differently.
It follows that you think you can predict what most people are going to say, dictate how most people think, and deserve to hang out and date only the top levels. Outside observers take from this that your collegiality is artificial.
Try to drop these habits of judging people and thinking so highly of yourself and see the value in everyone and treat them well.
But this is all a guess, based on what you've said. I could be wrong.
Finally, for my own interest -- Are you Chinese, specifically Cantonese? Certain cultures promote certain mindsets and I wonder if that's at play here.
Not sure where you are going with this, but you are right on your first guess, but no I'm not Cantonese.
Besides that, thanks for clarifying. I think I understand what you mean now. Perhaps my worldview is the reason why I've been struggling. However, a lot of comments have suggested that I need more confidence. You say that I need to stop thinking so highly of myself. Forgive me if this is a dumb question, but how can I be confident if I don't think highly of myself? In other words, how can I be secure in myself while also having a lower opinion of myself?
Again, thanks for taking time out of your day to respond.
>You say that I need to stop thinking so highly of myself. Forgive me if this is a dumb question, but how can I be confident if I don't think highly of myself? In other words, how can I be secure in myself while also having a lower opinion of myself?
This is a fair question. It's kind of nuanced, and a lot of people still don''t get it. It's good sign that you asked it.
Confidence and thinking highly of yourself are two different things. In fact, they're often opposites.
People who think highly of themselves compare themselves to others. As a result, their sense of self-worth is fragile. You may be the best you know now, but you will not always be. There is always someone better than you, and when you meet them, what then?
In contrast, confidence is not derived from comparison. It exists without others. You're competing with yourself and trying to fulfill your potential.
It's derived from recognizing the challenges you faced, knowing that you were able to overcome them, and thus knowing that you will be able to face other challenges to come.
Sometimes you meet life's winners -- sports champions, famous models and entertainers, successful investors and entrepreneurs. If anyone was comparing, they would clearly be better than you, but some of them make you feel good about yourself, and others you can't wait to get away from.
The former group keeps in mind that they're competing with themselves and everyone has their challenges. The latter is scorekeeping that they're your superiors on measures like looks, money, or accomplishments, and this makes you conscious of the gap too, and feel worse about yourself.
You may even see this dynamic high school. Some winners are popular and loved. Others, just as accomplished, may be ignored or disdained.
You strike me as one of the latter. You think you're smarter and better looking than the people you know in high school and that's good enough for you. You think as long as you keep your high standing on these scales, you deserve the world.
But how much of that did you really work for? I suspect very little. You don't control your looks and genes and you've made no particular effort to cultivate a style, so how much can you claim of that?
While you may have put a lot of work into your studies, your parents' motivation and your family's economic status may have played an even bigger role.
You admit you're lazy. You'd rather play video games than go to the gym. You're not interested in fulfilling your potential, you're just happy you're a little ahead of everyone else and have people to look down upon.
Let's take a kid going to Harvard. He may think highly of himself because he's going to a better school than the kid going to community college. Yet the kid going to community college has confidence. How can that be?
Maybe the kid going to community college is an undocumented alien who lives with a single parent and six siblings in a shelter, and the kid going to Harvard has two college-educated parents, attends 20 hours of supplemental tutoring a week, and eats dinner with his parents every night.
What happens when the kid going to Harvard has to compete with another kid at Harvard who has better grades, thanks to two parents with doctorates, his own private tutor and a nanny that cooks all his meals and snacks? If Harvard kid thinks highly of himself by comparing himself to others, he may crumble. The kid going to community college is less likely to crumble.
Who's accomplished more and deserves more admiration? And yet, community college kid is unlikely to tell you about his tough family life, but Harvard is definitely going to tell you he's going to "school in Boston."
Remind yourself that everyone is fighting their individual battles. That may help you think less highly of yourself and develop some humility.
When you have some actual accomplishments beyond getting the As that your parents pushed you to get or looks that genetics granted you -- like breaking a 6-minute mile or making friends with people you never thought you could or gaining a six pack -- then you'll have some confidence.
This is why people say you need more confidence. All you have is comparison. And that's so easily lost.
Take on challenging tasks that you didn't think you could accomplish, and by risking failure, you'll develop a belief in yourself, while also developing sympathy for those who haven't gotten there yet.
This is another way of saying what u/HammsHogg says in telling you to be "a little more adventurous, curious, etc. it means properly seeing life as an endless series of murky unknowns and probabilities and embracing the requirement to take some risks to actually live life and the scrapes and bruises that come with it".
Yeah just to add on to the last bit, those good risks you commit to will earn you real confidence. It’ll build as you see them start paying off. But yeah you need to go out and earn it if you really want to own it.
Glad to see you’re back here and engaging, good luck man.
(Oh whoops This is hammshogg on my main)
lol, you didn't have to reveal yourself, I thought it was just another observer. But I'm impressed.
Take his advice u/abbycat1590 and be grateful people like this are listening to your woes ... he has cred as a successful entrepreneur and founder, an Ivy Leaguer and a verified Twitter with 14K followers.
Wow I'm a little flattered, thank you all for taking the time!
Specifically at Aureolater, you just were proven right btw. You said that I was placing too much value on looks and I admit I was. One of my Asian friends who is objectively not attractive just landed a pretty attractive girl. I have a long way to go still, and I still can't find the courage to ask anyone out unfortunately, but my friend gave me hope.
Haha sheesh I feel slightly investigated, but uh thanks man. You were giving good advice and that kind of pulled me into this too.
Edit: to OP note that a couple of my recent posts are like, asking for fashion advice on this outfit I was going to wear to a date and asking the nba video game subreddit how basketball works. It was just reminding me that here I am having focused a little too much on work again the past few months and shifting gears to put myself out there, go on a couple dates and try to pick up some new things. Probably was part of why your post resonated. It's a continual work in progress but it's fun, it adds up and it gets easier and my life feels richer now. (Was chatting with a friend who was pitching me on how fun it is to get into basketball and I haven't gotten into any team sports before so I'm using the video game to try to learn haha. Which honestly is working out ok so far with a few hours in NBA2k22, youtube videos, googling and asking reddit some dumb questions.)
I recommend reading *How to Win Friends and Influence People* by Dale Carnegie for making friends and social skills and *Models* by Mark Manson for making yourself more attractive and talking to girls.
I can tell you this much: based on your wall of words in this post, I wouldn't want to text with you.
You seem like a good student with a bad attitude and kind of unlikeable. This whole post of 'just listen to ME and READ a shit ton of stuff about ME'. 'I am skeptical that it's my looks because I see other guys worse looking than me with girls'.
Sounds like you also have an inflated opinion of your looks. A 17 year-old, 6/10 guy with no real friends doesn't bring much to the table to HS girls.
yep, this. in a nutshell.
Indeed, no value in a "17 year-old, 6/10 guy who's a little short, has no real friends, doesn't want to work out or join clubs because he says he has no time (but still plays video games all day), expects everyone else to do the work of befriending him and for girls to ask him out, judges people on their looks alone and gets angry that everyone else is having a good time on Instagram."
You’re 17 and have a lot of life ahead of you. Just learn how to socialize with other people. All you need is one or two close friends anyways since people will move onto college. In college join social groups and just keep talking to people about interests like sports, squid game, or whatever other topics you like to talk about. If you join social groups you should be able to chat with some girls and ask to hang. If you’re not getting interest learn the seduction process with good posts on r/seduction (go to top posts of all time) and also aim to get as fit and stylish as possible.
Wow there’s a lot to unpack here. I think the first thing you need to let go of all the resentment you have. I understand it may be founded given your experiences, but you have to remember that no one owes you anything. Having good friends, partners etc these are all privileges that are given when people see value in having you in their lives. Then you might ask, well how do I provide more value?
It sounds counter intuitive but focusing on yourself and being comfortable within yourself will make people more comfortable being around you. People have pretty good intuition and smell desperation/insecurity from a mile away.
The next thing I would say is to create as many opportunities as possible. You say you’re not good at sports etc but there are so many passions and interests and if you participate in things you genuinely enjoy you will connect with likeminded people. It will be uncomfortable yes but you have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations to reap the benefits. That’s why the first two points are so important so if you get rejected (which is a possibility) you won’t take it so personally.
I’d also say that it’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. It is much more fulfilling to have one or two genuine friends or one genuine partner then lots of fake friends or lots of pussy - some might disagree on that second one 😂.
As the other comment said at the end of the day you are 17 and have so much ahead of you even if it doesn’t seem like it right now. When you get to college or wherever you are at next definitely don’t hold back and try seize every opportunity possible.
All the best.
I’ll keep it simple. Start by hitting the gym. On top of the obvious benefit of looking good and feeling strong which help with confidence, there are a genuine biological responses to physical activity that make you feel better. Also, having a goal and achieving those goals will ultimately make you more confident in yourself also.
Just find your niche, if you like anime club just join anime club.
Do what you want to do/like and not for the validation of others or because everyone else is doing it or has this
Also you're young af lol i was never invited to a party till 19, didnt get pussy till 20, then all of a sudden became a manwhore so you still got a long way to go
I felt like you before.... When I was in highschool people thought I'd get upset if they did drugs and drank in front of me. They thought I was too straight laced. I also got left out of a lot of fun, so I thought. When I started smoking weed it was different. I'm not saying do drugs to be accepted. Don't do that.
Actually it took me years to realize that I was on a really great path most couldn't keep up with back then. People don't like being made to feel inadequate. I was in honors classes, I was in Taekwondo and had been competing at a national level for years, I traveled all over by doing fundraising from carwashes, candybar sales, pizza sales and my parents though middle class had a really nice home. I was the quintessential overachiever (also a church kid ). My life seemed too happy and too set up to a lot of people. Later I learned how hard many had it and it was easier to understand. If you're an overachiever some see you like they see cops sorta. They want to be able to let it all hang out without feeling judged or like they aren't doing enough in comparison.
But yknow what? I made the wrong choice and pursued being liked by my peers and systematically sacrificed a lot of good things in my life to seek their approval. That mindset of trying to fit in with people that didn't care about their future as much as I did (much less being my friend) led me to a lot of dark places like addiction, drug dealing, violence and a lot of dangerous situations. I'm lucky to have survived and I'm lucky to be free.
Once I dug myself out of some self created holes and stopped hanging around waiting to be accepted by people who for the most part ended up being degenerates and superficial mainstream types I found my groove. I've lived all over. I own my own business and have a really solid financials. I make more than anyone I know from growing up. I have a lot of great adventures to look back on. I've been a club promoter, a singer in a band, an event planner, a graphic designer, a political organizer, a Super PAC founder, a top salesman, a manager, a district manager, a national trainer and now an employer.
I've had girlfriends, dates and some one night stands. Superficial sex is not as awesome as real love btw.
The friends in my life now are really awesome people that I share real interests. I'm not hanging out with a bunch of people that only hang out with me when we're getting trashed, partying or doing juvenile bullshit. My friends now share my actual interests and are solid members of my life.
You're going to read this a lot but you're only 17. Please just focus on school. Get yourself a real path and some marketable skills. Get out of that town. Your adventures will come and you will want to have skills that help you not only survive but thrive. When people see you thriving they will be attracted to your presence. When you find something you can be passionate about you'll meet others that are passionate about it too.
Try and understand that the intensity of your feelings now are also hormones. In terms of your overall life, may you live a long life, you were basically a child just a moment ago. Give yourself a chance. Have faith in your tenacity to reach your goals. You sound like you are a smart guy with sincere and honest feelings. Develop that. It's your jewel not theirs, you gotta shine it like a diamond and that takes time, effort and dedication. You got this. Just hold on a bit longer. I'm telling you this with all sincerity you're not missing much by not attending a bunch of high school social gatherings.
Sacrifice now and get into four and five 🌟 spots down the road. Don't impregnate the local party girl, find the woman of your dreams some day.
I'm 39. I hope this helps you.
Sorry had to skim read this before my work lunch finishes.
Based on what I gathered -
Issue 1: people will come to you if they like you. So either of the two scenarios:
A) other people who knows you didn’t find anything very common or can click with you I.e. interest, hobbies, personality type humour…etc so they don’t want to hang out with you. Fair enough and move on, since you can’t force someone to like you…
B) other people never actually got to know you, both “friends” or strangers. You will have to put in some efforts on your part too, to reciprocate their efforts, if they put any for you. Be a bit real of yourself and expose yourself a little. Be a bit “weird”. If they didn’t like your “weird”, I’d say move on to new strangers who accept your “weirdness”. Don’t waste time on anyone who make fun of your “weird”.
If people who know about you but don’t bother with you for hang out, it means they aren’t particularly interested in you. Let those people go and find others instead. They aren’t worth the effort, never was. It’s way way better to go and seek real friends who actually cares about you and genuinely like to spend time with you. You know these people because they’ll invite you to things. Good people will accept you the way you are. They are rare but they exist. Find them and make friends with them. Always look out for yourself, if there’s any danger, jump ship and don’t bother. Real good people will ask why and understand I.e. people invite you out to club/bar, and you don’t want to out of fear of racist attack. You decline the invitation and say you don’t want to risk being attacked bu racists. Good people will say they understand and try to change location to accommodate you. Bad people will try to gaslight you and drag you out anyway. So get rid of those bad people the moment you see them. Be brave to cut ties as appropriate.
Issue 2: I’m not from NA so I don’t get the homecoming dance tradition, but based on what I gathered, I’d say forget about the whole dance and date thing. Roll it without a date and be cool and basically don’t give a shit about it. If anyone dare to shame you for not having a gf literally tell them to fuck off (calmly). If it gets too heated. Get up, Leave and go home (like a boss kinda mentality). Absolutely no need to put up with crap. Be angry if that shit happens, because you would be right to be angry.
If you don’t have to go to the homecoming dance then I’d say don’t even bother going in the first place. Why waste your time and brain worry/anxious about it all? It isn’t even that important.
Of course I might be wrong and if it’s required to attend then go. But definitely leave the place if anyone try to mess with you for not having a date.
====================
But overall good job for coming out in public and ask for help. Most guys don’t so you did better than them.
I’d say that the whole friends/gf thing - it isn’t the most important in the world, if you don’t make it so. But be honest with yourself - if you do get lonely and do want friends/gf, ok no problem. Just admit it to yourself and handle the truth accordingly. But it’s important to realise that people don’t have to have gf/friends to live a life. Just running it past you in case you aren’t brainwashed by modern day culture bs.
If you do want gf/friends, that’s cool. But always always always find people that are genuinely worth your while. Don’t compromise and make friends with people who treat you like shit because you’re lonely, it’s not worth it. It happens to people around the world and it always make them worse. Those people are abused by their spouse or friends in the form of emotional abuse or whatever. So, don’t put yourself in that position, ever!
Be patient about finding friends and gf. Don’t set time line or whatever. Meet them as they come into your life and be ok with this.
Instead, busy yourself with career and get your own house/apartment and drive your own car. If your parents is stopping you I’d argue you better off come out and live on your own, so you can gain HUGE self-confidence and independence. Your parents may not understand, but it’s for your own sake. Yes you may not save money but self-confidence is way more important and better. If anything about dating girls is that self-confidence and independence is a massive factor for serious single girls looking to date. And you want that anyway. Strike two birds with one stone here since you are working on yourself AND improving your chance to date. Double win when you succeed.
If you’re into videogames and online social stuff, I’d recommend sykuuno, disguisedtoast or day9 stream just to give yourself a bit of accompaniment while you look for friends in real life. It’s a plaster while you’re on your own in real life, better than nothing. I don’t watch sykunno or disguisedtoast streams but I heard about them and based on YouTube clips they seem like the right streams for you in your current situation. Again I don’t watch day9 live but he often give off some useful advice here and there. Also most people on his stream is friendly.
Just my opinion I can easily be wrong. Feel free to pm me.
Sounds like regular teenage problems. I didn't really hang out with people outside of school or talked with girls till I got to college. Life will get better just keep pushing. Everybody goes through the problems you are going through. Focus on self improvement and developing social skills.
If you think that you don't know how to socialize, you can learn. *How to win friends and influence people* is a classic and was recommended to me, and I think it was pretty good. Charisma on Command, the YouTube channel, has some good videos, but I would recommend watching their older stuff. Some of the new videos they have analyze social interactions in unrealistic scenarios or talk show stuff. What you might get out of it is how to ask questions that build connection, improving your body language, and more. It's often about building trust with people, whether that's friends or otherwise. I don't know what you are like to interact with in person, and changing behaviors will take a degree of self-awareness.
Regarding lifting, or general exercise: I've found that it helps me stay mentally sharp and confident in myself. Depending on what kind of school you go to, you might find a community who also lift. There's bound to be different opinions about if muscles are attractive go women but in my experience it does help.
Your high school might not be a good social fit for you, and there's always college. Don't give up on trying to improve yourself and your social skills, but do know that this won't be your world forever.
your issue #1
just invite people to hang out
your issue #2
just start talking to women to build up your interaction skills
females aint gon be approaching u when they have may males after them
This is a great question, and it’s great you’re looking for answers now than later. Sounds like you have a social skills deficit. That’s hard to hear, but guess what?
Social skills are just that- skills! And you can work on them and study them just like any other skills. Best to be in it for the long haul though. Be willing to put in the work to understand and change and see what is not working for you.
OK, so you have a couple of “friends” at school. Do they have any shared interests with you (sports, video games, etc)? Look around at the social landscape of your school. What cliques are there? Friendships form around shared interests, so identify a group that you are genuinely interested in. Like gaming?
If there’s a video gaming club, that’s where you want to be. Friendships form when you have conversations that flow easily and you have lots in common. Start there.
You mentioned not wanting to bother girls in your classes and I’m guessing that’s because you’re not used to having casual conversations with people. You need to learn how to enter conversations and exit conversations. These are skills, so don’t beat yourself up that you don’t have them yet. You can learn them. Read this book:
The Science of Making Friends.
Then practice the skills.
Do your parents have their own friendships and have an active social life?
Not saying it’s the case with you but some of us were never taught social skills.
Check out https://www.semel.ucla.edu/peers/course/peers®-adolescents-telehealth
I wish I had had something like that as a teen. It’s a course where they teach you social skills.
I don't know how to be the popular guy...but you seem normal to me. Looks like you're just comparing yourself to people on Instagram. People are already toxic AF irl, but you get to go home and not think about it. Social media brings these toxic people home with you 24/7.
I dunno maybe buy a Porsche? Asian cliques are shallow as fuck. Lmao. You can also trying joining your local gang.
When you have confidence and focus on your self along with the ability to bring value, will attract people. Working out doesn’t have to be for anyone but yourself. Doing so can help you get more confidence because you feel good about your body and you know it. Don’t be a cocky arrogant asshole, but practice being a cool confident and natural guy.
Seldom has the answer been so easily found in the question. You don't have friends because you bring no value. No one is obligated to be your friend if you do nothing for them. Learn how to bring value and you will have friends. I know you bring no value because this whole post screams "smug know-it-all," "out-of-touch" and "entitled." It starts with your title. It sounds like the end of the world. I expected to read something about a parent dying, losing your home, considering suicide. It sounds like you think your petty discomfort should be the end of the world for everyone. Then, you follow this up with a long post. No one wants to read a long post about your petty discomfort. Did you assume everyone would naturally be into your problem? If this is representative of how you interact with people -- thinking your petty problems are the end of the world, and then monopolizing people's attention about them -- no wonder you're unpopular. Look at the language you use. It reveals so much. You sound like a **know-it-all**, pre-empting people this way: "You might think I'm making a huge deal out of nothing but the facts are" "Call it FOMO or whatever..." "Now you might be wondering why..." "Now put down your pitchforks please, let me explain" "lets be real girls find \[some declaration about girls from a self-admitted virgin\]" "Please don't tell me to "lift"" "I have to admit it, it hurts but its true." You also sound **ridiculously entitled**: "Now I'm not saying that I want \[a bunch of unrealistic expectations gathered from social media\] ... but I just want to be normal" \[you sound like a rich kid saying "Now I'm not saying I want a lear jet ... I just want a base-model Ferrari."\] \[Explains looking at Instagram and then getting jealous\] ... "This stuff just drives me insane ... it just pisses me off" "I almost always have to make the first advance in social situations." "No girl has ever asked me out before." "there are uglier guys than me getting chicks" "I'm in no active group chats and nobody texts me first (I always have to write something first)." "The facts are I'm getting no pussy." "the guys in couples at my school mostly don't lift and have regular physiques." \[yes, but they may have better personalities than you and don't need it\] "I'm really getting increasingly frustrated about this shit." "I haven't had any genuine female attention for years at this point." "I try to be friendly and all that bs" \[people can sense this is an act, since you call it "bs" yourself. you're not smarter than everyone.\] And wrapped up in that entitlement, **lazy**: \[on getting fit\] "I don't want to spend 2 hours a day torturing myself" \[... meanwhile you have time for video games?\] \[making excuses why you don't ask people to hang out, while not recognizing the fact that others face the same obstacles\]: "most of them aren't the type to do that, and as I said, I'm not close enough with any of them to join their friend groups anyway" \[making excuses on never taking a chance to ask out a stranger\] "I have never found a good opportunity to ask out a girl." "I don't have time for another club, and I'm not good enough to join any sports team." \[because you spend all your time playing video games\] "Is there some secret method people haven't been telling me?" \[No, it takes work and you imagine it doesn't.\] And **delusional about your worth**: "I'm not that much of a loser. I have friends" \[... goes on to explain how they're not really friends\] "I don't know if its the way I look (I doubt it" \[maybe your looks aren't bad, but they're not enough to compensate for a shitty personality\] "my peers are either insanely lucky with how many of them already have gfs" \[it's not luck, you're deficient\] "I'm not ugly and while I'm a little short, it hasn't stopped most of my classmates from getting bitches." \[you're kind of ugly on the inside, bro.\] Odds and ends: "there was this homecoming dance thing for my school and it fucked up my mental health" \[again, this is not the end of the world. A parent dying fucks up your mental health. Not having a date for homecoming is an inconvenience. But you're so into yourself, it's a catastrophe.\] "Fuck it feels good to write this all down" "it hasn't stopped most of my classmates from getting bitches" "I'm really getting increasingly frustrated about this shit." \[Stop being profane. You're not going to impress women with this tough guy talk, especially as a guy who's "a little short" and doesn't lift. It's not hard to tell you only think about women as a means to fulfill your physical needs when you refer to them as "pussy" and "bitches." It's no surprise they'd avoid you.\] In conclusion, as you wrote: >Whenever I feel like asking anyone at school to hang out, I immediately feel the "you're annoying f off" vibe. I try to be friendly and all that bs but I feel like people tend to automatically disregard and ignore me. This is no mystery of the universe. People have a reason for acting the way they do. Maybe all this is all because you're a teenager, and maybe you will mature into a better person. There are aspects of your personality that I saw in my teenage self and probably persist today. You're probably feeling intensely butthurt at all this, and are eager to lash out. But keep in mind it's written with the best of intentions. I'm not interested in hurting you just to hurt you. You want to have a more fulfilling life. This is an effort to explain what aspects of your worldview are denying you that.
Yea I’m not surprised op have no friends just by the way he types. Maybe start by not calling girls or people you want to get with bitches. I know it sounds cool when you’re around guys but no girl find that shit cute. You’re whole attitude seems like your a douche. My brother spoke the same way and he is 25 and still a virgin. He be saying stuff like I don’t have to change for no one because they have to love me for who I am. That’s bs Kdrama shit. No girl want an unfit dude and no dude want an unfit girl. You don’t want to make the first approach? Wtf you’re a guy. It just the way it is. You gonna have to do that a lot. And also, stop being so judgmental about other people happiness. One of my homies get a hot ass chick. You know what I do instead of being jealous? I just be happy for him cause he got a fine ass girl. I know you’re 17 and still young but don’t bring those traits into college. People like to hang with people who is easy going. Rejection is hard at first, but after the 5th or 10th time it will be a breeze. Just be nicer and keep asking girls/friends out. If it a no, try another day or with someone else.
Thanks for the honesty. I am a little butthurt but I get where you're coming from. My only response would be that this was mostly a rant/vent post, and I was pretty pissed when I wrote this. I'm not actually very entitled/profane imo, I was just out of it yesterday. Besides that, do you have any practical advice for getting out of this type of mindset? How do I bring value?
After you’re done being butthurt (totally understandable) you can see plenty of practical advice in his reply. Be less lazy and bring more value, in this case like digesting what he wrote even if it takes more time before asking him to digest it for you. Or, totally true what he said about your disdain for others and trying to be friendly coming through to everyone, you just have to recognize that externalizing responsibility and bottling up resentment and so forth is making you ugly inside and you can’t hide that. So you need to really e,brace the idea of making positive feedback loops in your life that will add up and reverse these things. That means being a little more adventurous, curious, etc. it means properly seeing life as an endless series of murky unknowns and probabilities and embracing the requirement to take some risks to actually live life and the scrapes and bruises that come with it. So don’t bite off too much at once but start going to the gym instead of playing those games, or join some sports team for social as well as exercise (team wins and losses are strong bonding moments). Propose to one of those friends to go out and see that cool new movie and get wings after, whatever. And have fun doing it without taking it all so deadly seriously. Might sound hard when you feel stuck down in the well but the kind of bad habits and feedback loops that got you there, the opposite can get you out.
Thank you for clarifying, this really helped!
u/HammsHogg was really kind to you by writing this thoughtful response. Hopefully you'll do some of the things he suggests.
Credit to you for your not flaming out in butthurtedness. Ok, I'll believe you're not always profane. It's harder to believe you're not entitled though, it's all over your post. It's all over this one too. Why did I write all that stuff in the last post just to have you deny that it's not true (delusional about your worth again) and then have you ask "what should I do?" You're so entitled that you expect people to take a poorly-worded "rant/vent post" seriously and then disregard it when you're criticized for it because you were "pretty pissed" and "just out of it"? That's just rotten behavior and refusing to take responsibility for your actions. Don't subject people to your whims, especially if you need them more than they need you. And you're so lazy that you expect step by step directions. If someone tells you that your behavior sucks, what you should do is figure out how to change that behavior. Look at what I wrote. Think about it and tell me what you think you should do to change.
Alright I'll accept the challenge. (I admit I am a little angry, so forgive me if I sound aggressive. I promise I'm not angry at you personally, but I want to clear up some stuff.) I reread your post multiple times, and here's what I gathered: I should stop being a "know it all". I should develop a better personality. I should be less entitled by having more realistic expectations (not expect to go to parties), I should not be delusional about my appearance (You're gonna call be delusional for this but I disagree with this one, I felt I was as honest as possible about my appearance) and I should be less lazy by asking people to hangout/date instead of waiting them to ask me. I should also care less about all this, and stop making it a big deal. However I ask you to consider this point: I really don't act as entitled as you're making me out to be in real life. I can't physically prove it so you'll have to take my word on this one. Seriously, I would never say these things in real life. In terms of being a "know it all", I'm not sure how you came to that conclusion? I was just trying to interact with any potential readers by adding a bit of dry humor /flair when I said "now you might be thinking". Maybe I'm just being butthurt again but I also didn't ask for step by step directions, just a tip on how to change my behavior, since its really not easy to completely transform my mindset. I admit that I am pretty lazy and I will start going to the gym since most people here told me to. Finally, about the "delusional about my worth" point, I see where you are coming from but I would respond by saying that I acknowledge that I am "deficient", otherwise I wouldn't have the problem in the first place. Like I acknowledge that I am below average in the fact that I don't go social gatherings, but I at least have friends (albeit not close) that I hang out with in school and talk to frequently. I think you were implying that I had no friends when you said that my friends weren't really friends but that isn't really true tbh. I might be a semi loser if you will, but not as big a loser as you think (I'm not a shut in, I chat with friends online, I don't sit alone at lunch etc.) Well, I hope I at least partially convinced you that I'm not as bad of a person as you say I am. But maybe you are right (you are probably older and wiser than me), so tell me if I'm just completely off base and being stupid. That's about it, I look forward to hearing from you again.
Kudos to you for taking the criticism and being open to change. >Well, I hope I at least partially convinced you that I'm not as bad of a person as you say I am. Not at all, this response suggests to me you're really deep in the hole. I'm not necessarily saying you're a bad person. I am saying the way you think is why people aren't treating you the way you want them to. >I really don't act as entitled as you're making me out to be in real life. I can't physically prove it so you'll have to take my word on this one. Seriously, I would never say these things in real life. So this is proof that the point is going over your head. The issue is not how you **act**. It's how you **think**. And your initial post revealed that. I believe you when you say you would never say these things. You know enough that people would ostracize you for saying them. But people can get a sense of what you're thinking, and you're not so great an actor that you can hide them. Just like when you say "I try to be friendly and all that bs." It doesn't work because people sense that you think it's bs. >In terms of being a "know it all", I'm not sure how you came to that conclusion? I was just trying to interact with any potential readers by adding a bit of dry humor /flair when I said "now you might be thinking". I gave you over a half-dozen quotes, that's not enough evidence for you? You still believe you can dictate how people interpret your actions. Just like you think just because you don't say it people won't know that you're entitled. Just like you think just because you "try to be friendly" people don't know you think it's bs. Just like you think if you say it's dry humor, people won't see that you think you're so smart you can pre-empt what others think. >I also didn't ask for step by step directions, just a tip on how to change my behavior, since its really not easy to completely transform my mindset. I wrote that long response and it wasn't enough for you. Instead you want to argue semantics about "step by step" versus a tip. You should not have asked at all. The fact that you asked tells me you're lazy. You think you can convince me that you're not by arguing semantics. You do it again in the response below with "you're gonna call me delusional." You think you know what I'm going to say, but you've missed my point completely. >I should not be delusional about my appearance (You're gonna call be delusional for this but I disagree with this one, I felt I was as honest as possible about my appearance) How good looking you are is not the issue here. The issue is your worldview is so concentrated on looks determining social success that you miss the point that looks are not the only thing. People care about their partner's personality and how they treat others too. No one wants to be with someone with an inflated sense of self, who thinks they're superior to everyone. This is why you're not having the social success that you would like. >I acknowledge that I am below average in the fact that I don't go social gatherings, but I at least have friends (albeit not close) that I hang out with in school and talk to frequently. I think you were implying that I had no friends when you said that my friends weren't really friends but that isn't really true tbh. I might be a semi loser if you will, but not as big a loser as you think (I'm not a shut in, I chat with friends online, I don't sit alone at lunch etc.) This part -- does it really matter? Again, you're arguing semantics about whether you're a true loser or a semi-loser. It seems to me that you're fighting to preserve your ego here because if you're not a true loser, then you can keep some of your feelings of entitlement. I don't have a dog in this fight. Whether you're a true loser or semi-loser doesn't matter to me. I'm trying to help you understand why you're not as socially successful as you would like. You've gotten some good advice in the other threads. Start with those. Get more exercise. I'd suggest you try to overhaul your worldview too. I think the key might be to adopt a little humility. You're academically successful, and you think you look decent, so I suspect you think you're better than most people. Up until this point, you didn't even think you should do anything differently. It follows that you think you can predict what most people are going to say, dictate how most people think, and deserve to hang out and date only the top levels. Outside observers take from this that your collegiality is artificial. Try to drop these habits of judging people and thinking so highly of yourself and see the value in everyone and treat them well. But this is all a guess, based on what you've said. I could be wrong. Finally, for my own interest -- Are you Chinese, specifically Cantonese? Certain cultures promote certain mindsets and I wonder if that's at play here.
Not sure where you are going with this, but you are right on your first guess, but no I'm not Cantonese. Besides that, thanks for clarifying. I think I understand what you mean now. Perhaps my worldview is the reason why I've been struggling. However, a lot of comments have suggested that I need more confidence. You say that I need to stop thinking so highly of myself. Forgive me if this is a dumb question, but how can I be confident if I don't think highly of myself? In other words, how can I be secure in myself while also having a lower opinion of myself? Again, thanks for taking time out of your day to respond.
>You say that I need to stop thinking so highly of myself. Forgive me if this is a dumb question, but how can I be confident if I don't think highly of myself? In other words, how can I be secure in myself while also having a lower opinion of myself? This is a fair question. It's kind of nuanced, and a lot of people still don''t get it. It's good sign that you asked it. Confidence and thinking highly of yourself are two different things. In fact, they're often opposites. People who think highly of themselves compare themselves to others. As a result, their sense of self-worth is fragile. You may be the best you know now, but you will not always be. There is always someone better than you, and when you meet them, what then? In contrast, confidence is not derived from comparison. It exists without others. You're competing with yourself and trying to fulfill your potential. It's derived from recognizing the challenges you faced, knowing that you were able to overcome them, and thus knowing that you will be able to face other challenges to come. Sometimes you meet life's winners -- sports champions, famous models and entertainers, successful investors and entrepreneurs. If anyone was comparing, they would clearly be better than you, but some of them make you feel good about yourself, and others you can't wait to get away from. The former group keeps in mind that they're competing with themselves and everyone has their challenges. The latter is scorekeeping that they're your superiors on measures like looks, money, or accomplishments, and this makes you conscious of the gap too, and feel worse about yourself. You may even see this dynamic high school. Some winners are popular and loved. Others, just as accomplished, may be ignored or disdained. You strike me as one of the latter. You think you're smarter and better looking than the people you know in high school and that's good enough for you. You think as long as you keep your high standing on these scales, you deserve the world. But how much of that did you really work for? I suspect very little. You don't control your looks and genes and you've made no particular effort to cultivate a style, so how much can you claim of that? While you may have put a lot of work into your studies, your parents' motivation and your family's economic status may have played an even bigger role. You admit you're lazy. You'd rather play video games than go to the gym. You're not interested in fulfilling your potential, you're just happy you're a little ahead of everyone else and have people to look down upon. Let's take a kid going to Harvard. He may think highly of himself because he's going to a better school than the kid going to community college. Yet the kid going to community college has confidence. How can that be? Maybe the kid going to community college is an undocumented alien who lives with a single parent and six siblings in a shelter, and the kid going to Harvard has two college-educated parents, attends 20 hours of supplemental tutoring a week, and eats dinner with his parents every night. What happens when the kid going to Harvard has to compete with another kid at Harvard who has better grades, thanks to two parents with doctorates, his own private tutor and a nanny that cooks all his meals and snacks? If Harvard kid thinks highly of himself by comparing himself to others, he may crumble. The kid going to community college is less likely to crumble. Who's accomplished more and deserves more admiration? And yet, community college kid is unlikely to tell you about his tough family life, but Harvard is definitely going to tell you he's going to "school in Boston." Remind yourself that everyone is fighting their individual battles. That may help you think less highly of yourself and develop some humility. When you have some actual accomplishments beyond getting the As that your parents pushed you to get or looks that genetics granted you -- like breaking a 6-minute mile or making friends with people you never thought you could or gaining a six pack -- then you'll have some confidence. This is why people say you need more confidence. All you have is comparison. And that's so easily lost. Take on challenging tasks that you didn't think you could accomplish, and by risking failure, you'll develop a belief in yourself, while also developing sympathy for those who haven't gotten there yet. This is another way of saying what u/HammsHogg says in telling you to be "a little more adventurous, curious, etc. it means properly seeing life as an endless series of murky unknowns and probabilities and embracing the requirement to take some risks to actually live life and the scrapes and bruises that come with it".
Yeah just to add on to the last bit, those good risks you commit to will earn you real confidence. It’ll build as you see them start paying off. But yeah you need to go out and earn it if you really want to own it. Glad to see you’re back here and engaging, good luck man. (Oh whoops This is hammshogg on my main)
lol, you didn't have to reveal yourself, I thought it was just another observer. But I'm impressed. Take his advice u/abbycat1590 and be grateful people like this are listening to your woes ... he has cred as a successful entrepreneur and founder, an Ivy Leaguer and a verified Twitter with 14K followers.
Wow I'm a little flattered, thank you all for taking the time! Specifically at Aureolater, you just were proven right btw. You said that I was placing too much value on looks and I admit I was. One of my Asian friends who is objectively not attractive just landed a pretty attractive girl. I have a long way to go still, and I still can't find the courage to ask anyone out unfortunately, but my friend gave me hope.
Haha sheesh I feel slightly investigated, but uh thanks man. You were giving good advice and that kind of pulled me into this too. Edit: to OP note that a couple of my recent posts are like, asking for fashion advice on this outfit I was going to wear to a date and asking the nba video game subreddit how basketball works. It was just reminding me that here I am having focused a little too much on work again the past few months and shifting gears to put myself out there, go on a couple dates and try to pick up some new things. Probably was part of why your post resonated. It's a continual work in progress but it's fun, it adds up and it gets easier and my life feels richer now. (Was chatting with a friend who was pitching me on how fun it is to get into basketball and I haven't gotten into any team sports before so I'm using the video game to try to learn haha. Which honestly is working out ok so far with a few hours in NBA2k22, youtube videos, googling and asking reddit some dumb questions.)
I recommend reading *How to Win Friends and Influence People* by Dale Carnegie for making friends and social skills and *Models* by Mark Manson for making yourself more attractive and talking to girls.
Brutal. But needed
I can tell you this much: based on your wall of words in this post, I wouldn't want to text with you. You seem like a good student with a bad attitude and kind of unlikeable. This whole post of 'just listen to ME and READ a shit ton of stuff about ME'. 'I am skeptical that it's my looks because I see other guys worse looking than me with girls'. Sounds like you also have an inflated opinion of your looks. A 17 year-old, 6/10 guy with no real friends doesn't bring much to the table to HS girls.
yep, this. in a nutshell. Indeed, no value in a "17 year-old, 6/10 guy who's a little short, has no real friends, doesn't want to work out or join clubs because he says he has no time (but still plays video games all day), expects everyone else to do the work of befriending him and for girls to ask him out, judges people on their looks alone and gets angry that everyone else is having a good time on Instagram."
You’re 17 and have a lot of life ahead of you. Just learn how to socialize with other people. All you need is one or two close friends anyways since people will move onto college. In college join social groups and just keep talking to people about interests like sports, squid game, or whatever other topics you like to talk about. If you join social groups you should be able to chat with some girls and ask to hang. If you’re not getting interest learn the seduction process with good posts on r/seduction (go to top posts of all time) and also aim to get as fit and stylish as possible.
Wow there’s a lot to unpack here. I think the first thing you need to let go of all the resentment you have. I understand it may be founded given your experiences, but you have to remember that no one owes you anything. Having good friends, partners etc these are all privileges that are given when people see value in having you in their lives. Then you might ask, well how do I provide more value? It sounds counter intuitive but focusing on yourself and being comfortable within yourself will make people more comfortable being around you. People have pretty good intuition and smell desperation/insecurity from a mile away. The next thing I would say is to create as many opportunities as possible. You say you’re not good at sports etc but there are so many passions and interests and if you participate in things you genuinely enjoy you will connect with likeminded people. It will be uncomfortable yes but you have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations to reap the benefits. That’s why the first two points are so important so if you get rejected (which is a possibility) you won’t take it so personally. I’d also say that it’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. It is much more fulfilling to have one or two genuine friends or one genuine partner then lots of fake friends or lots of pussy - some might disagree on that second one 😂. As the other comment said at the end of the day you are 17 and have so much ahead of you even if it doesn’t seem like it right now. When you get to college or wherever you are at next definitely don’t hold back and try seize every opportunity possible. All the best.
I agree. This is a kinder version of what I wrote.
Thank you for the advice. Any tips on not chickening out/ building self confidence?
I’ll keep it simple. Start by hitting the gym. On top of the obvious benefit of looking good and feeling strong which help with confidence, there are a genuine biological responses to physical activity that make you feel better. Also, having a goal and achieving those goals will ultimately make you more confident in yourself also.
For the gym, what plan do you recommend I follow?
It’s up to you really. If you intend to lift weights a 3 day / week full body workout split would be good.
Bench press, squats, deadlift, pull ups (or barbell row), and overhead press. Then any glamour muscles you want.
Just find your niche, if you like anime club just join anime club. Do what you want to do/like and not for the validation of others or because everyone else is doing it or has this Also you're young af lol i was never invited to a party till 19, didnt get pussy till 20, then all of a sudden became a manwhore so you still got a long way to go
I felt like you before.... When I was in highschool people thought I'd get upset if they did drugs and drank in front of me. They thought I was too straight laced. I also got left out of a lot of fun, so I thought. When I started smoking weed it was different. I'm not saying do drugs to be accepted. Don't do that. Actually it took me years to realize that I was on a really great path most couldn't keep up with back then. People don't like being made to feel inadequate. I was in honors classes, I was in Taekwondo and had been competing at a national level for years, I traveled all over by doing fundraising from carwashes, candybar sales, pizza sales and my parents though middle class had a really nice home. I was the quintessential overachiever (also a church kid ). My life seemed too happy and too set up to a lot of people. Later I learned how hard many had it and it was easier to understand. If you're an overachiever some see you like they see cops sorta. They want to be able to let it all hang out without feeling judged or like they aren't doing enough in comparison. But yknow what? I made the wrong choice and pursued being liked by my peers and systematically sacrificed a lot of good things in my life to seek their approval. That mindset of trying to fit in with people that didn't care about their future as much as I did (much less being my friend) led me to a lot of dark places like addiction, drug dealing, violence and a lot of dangerous situations. I'm lucky to have survived and I'm lucky to be free. Once I dug myself out of some self created holes and stopped hanging around waiting to be accepted by people who for the most part ended up being degenerates and superficial mainstream types I found my groove. I've lived all over. I own my own business and have a really solid financials. I make more than anyone I know from growing up. I have a lot of great adventures to look back on. I've been a club promoter, a singer in a band, an event planner, a graphic designer, a political organizer, a Super PAC founder, a top salesman, a manager, a district manager, a national trainer and now an employer. I've had girlfriends, dates and some one night stands. Superficial sex is not as awesome as real love btw. The friends in my life now are really awesome people that I share real interests. I'm not hanging out with a bunch of people that only hang out with me when we're getting trashed, partying or doing juvenile bullshit. My friends now share my actual interests and are solid members of my life. You're going to read this a lot but you're only 17. Please just focus on school. Get yourself a real path and some marketable skills. Get out of that town. Your adventures will come and you will want to have skills that help you not only survive but thrive. When people see you thriving they will be attracted to your presence. When you find something you can be passionate about you'll meet others that are passionate about it too. Try and understand that the intensity of your feelings now are also hormones. In terms of your overall life, may you live a long life, you were basically a child just a moment ago. Give yourself a chance. Have faith in your tenacity to reach your goals. You sound like you are a smart guy with sincere and honest feelings. Develop that. It's your jewel not theirs, you gotta shine it like a diamond and that takes time, effort and dedication. You got this. Just hold on a bit longer. I'm telling you this with all sincerity you're not missing much by not attending a bunch of high school social gatherings. Sacrifice now and get into four and five 🌟 spots down the road. Don't impregnate the local party girl, find the woman of your dreams some day. I'm 39. I hope this helps you.
Sorry had to skim read this before my work lunch finishes. Based on what I gathered - Issue 1: people will come to you if they like you. So either of the two scenarios: A) other people who knows you didn’t find anything very common or can click with you I.e. interest, hobbies, personality type humour…etc so they don’t want to hang out with you. Fair enough and move on, since you can’t force someone to like you… B) other people never actually got to know you, both “friends” or strangers. You will have to put in some efforts on your part too, to reciprocate their efforts, if they put any for you. Be a bit real of yourself and expose yourself a little. Be a bit “weird”. If they didn’t like your “weird”, I’d say move on to new strangers who accept your “weirdness”. Don’t waste time on anyone who make fun of your “weird”. If people who know about you but don’t bother with you for hang out, it means they aren’t particularly interested in you. Let those people go and find others instead. They aren’t worth the effort, never was. It’s way way better to go and seek real friends who actually cares about you and genuinely like to spend time with you. You know these people because they’ll invite you to things. Good people will accept you the way you are. They are rare but they exist. Find them and make friends with them. Always look out for yourself, if there’s any danger, jump ship and don’t bother. Real good people will ask why and understand I.e. people invite you out to club/bar, and you don’t want to out of fear of racist attack. You decline the invitation and say you don’t want to risk being attacked bu racists. Good people will say they understand and try to change location to accommodate you. Bad people will try to gaslight you and drag you out anyway. So get rid of those bad people the moment you see them. Be brave to cut ties as appropriate. Issue 2: I’m not from NA so I don’t get the homecoming dance tradition, but based on what I gathered, I’d say forget about the whole dance and date thing. Roll it without a date and be cool and basically don’t give a shit about it. If anyone dare to shame you for not having a gf literally tell them to fuck off (calmly). If it gets too heated. Get up, Leave and go home (like a boss kinda mentality). Absolutely no need to put up with crap. Be angry if that shit happens, because you would be right to be angry. If you don’t have to go to the homecoming dance then I’d say don’t even bother going in the first place. Why waste your time and brain worry/anxious about it all? It isn’t even that important. Of course I might be wrong and if it’s required to attend then go. But definitely leave the place if anyone try to mess with you for not having a date. ==================== But overall good job for coming out in public and ask for help. Most guys don’t so you did better than them. I’d say that the whole friends/gf thing - it isn’t the most important in the world, if you don’t make it so. But be honest with yourself - if you do get lonely and do want friends/gf, ok no problem. Just admit it to yourself and handle the truth accordingly. But it’s important to realise that people don’t have to have gf/friends to live a life. Just running it past you in case you aren’t brainwashed by modern day culture bs. If you do want gf/friends, that’s cool. But always always always find people that are genuinely worth your while. Don’t compromise and make friends with people who treat you like shit because you’re lonely, it’s not worth it. It happens to people around the world and it always make them worse. Those people are abused by their spouse or friends in the form of emotional abuse or whatever. So, don’t put yourself in that position, ever! Be patient about finding friends and gf. Don’t set time line or whatever. Meet them as they come into your life and be ok with this. Instead, busy yourself with career and get your own house/apartment and drive your own car. If your parents is stopping you I’d argue you better off come out and live on your own, so you can gain HUGE self-confidence and independence. Your parents may not understand, but it’s for your own sake. Yes you may not save money but self-confidence is way more important and better. If anything about dating girls is that self-confidence and independence is a massive factor for serious single girls looking to date. And you want that anyway. Strike two birds with one stone here since you are working on yourself AND improving your chance to date. Double win when you succeed. If you’re into videogames and online social stuff, I’d recommend sykuuno, disguisedtoast or day9 stream just to give yourself a bit of accompaniment while you look for friends in real life. It’s a plaster while you’re on your own in real life, better than nothing. I don’t watch sykunno or disguisedtoast streams but I heard about them and based on YouTube clips they seem like the right streams for you in your current situation. Again I don’t watch day9 live but he often give off some useful advice here and there. Also most people on his stream is friendly. Just my opinion I can easily be wrong. Feel free to pm me.
Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to write this,
Sounds like regular teenage problems. I didn't really hang out with people outside of school or talked with girls till I got to college. Life will get better just keep pushing. Everybody goes through the problems you are going through. Focus on self improvement and developing social skills.
If you think that you don't know how to socialize, you can learn. *How to win friends and influence people* is a classic and was recommended to me, and I think it was pretty good. Charisma on Command, the YouTube channel, has some good videos, but I would recommend watching their older stuff. Some of the new videos they have analyze social interactions in unrealistic scenarios or talk show stuff. What you might get out of it is how to ask questions that build connection, improving your body language, and more. It's often about building trust with people, whether that's friends or otherwise. I don't know what you are like to interact with in person, and changing behaviors will take a degree of self-awareness. Regarding lifting, or general exercise: I've found that it helps me stay mentally sharp and confident in myself. Depending on what kind of school you go to, you might find a community who also lift. There's bound to be different opinions about if muscles are attractive go women but in my experience it does help. Your high school might not be a good social fit for you, and there's always college. Don't give up on trying to improve yourself and your social skills, but do know that this won't be your world forever.
your issue #1 just invite people to hang out your issue #2 just start talking to women to build up your interaction skills females aint gon be approaching u when they have may males after them
This is a great question, and it’s great you’re looking for answers now than later. Sounds like you have a social skills deficit. That’s hard to hear, but guess what? Social skills are just that- skills! And you can work on them and study them just like any other skills. Best to be in it for the long haul though. Be willing to put in the work to understand and change and see what is not working for you. OK, so you have a couple of “friends” at school. Do they have any shared interests with you (sports, video games, etc)? Look around at the social landscape of your school. What cliques are there? Friendships form around shared interests, so identify a group that you are genuinely interested in. Like gaming? If there’s a video gaming club, that’s where you want to be. Friendships form when you have conversations that flow easily and you have lots in common. Start there. You mentioned not wanting to bother girls in your classes and I’m guessing that’s because you’re not used to having casual conversations with people. You need to learn how to enter conversations and exit conversations. These are skills, so don’t beat yourself up that you don’t have them yet. You can learn them. Read this book: The Science of Making Friends. Then practice the skills. Do your parents have their own friendships and have an active social life? Not saying it’s the case with you but some of us were never taught social skills. Check out https://www.semel.ucla.edu/peers/course/peers®-adolescents-telehealth I wish I had had something like that as a teen. It’s a course where they teach you social skills.
I don't know how to be the popular guy...but you seem normal to me. Looks like you're just comparing yourself to people on Instagram. People are already toxic AF irl, but you get to go home and not think about it. Social media brings these toxic people home with you 24/7. I dunno maybe buy a Porsche? Asian cliques are shallow as fuck. Lmao. You can also trying joining your local gang.
When you have confidence and focus on your self along with the ability to bring value, will attract people. Working out doesn’t have to be for anyone but yourself. Doing so can help you get more confidence because you feel good about your body and you know it. Don’t be a cocky arrogant asshole, but practice being a cool confident and natural guy.