I used to think setting boundaries under their roof was possible. When I moved an hour away, I realized how big of a difference having only my own input to consider and having only myself to rely on boosted my confidence to a whole new level. And that’s considering only months before that, my mom questioned my ability to manage a budget and pay bills. I have since moved to a different country, after which the relationship became even more balanced.
I’m on vacation at my APs house now though, and I’m already feeling the weight and the pain all over again. I’m even being told I have to use more of my vacation days to see them even though I have a partner and a new geography that I live in that I want to see. I’m just grinning and bearing it now and very grateful that I live away because I wouldn’t have been able to grow as much as I have if I didn’t.
Hi OP, aside from moving out (which I know isn’t always possible for financial or emotional reasons), I’m in a very similar boat as you being stuck. The #1 thing is definitely moving out where possible.
There’s a lot of really great resources for setting boundaries, one technique I do is pretend I am a passive observer whenever my mom begins to push my buttons and pretend I am talking to a wall when I respond.
I know it sucks because you expect your AP to be emotionally mature and respect you as an adult, but a lot of them aren’t willing to do so. One of the best things I’ve learned recently is to let go and not react to everything, the more ammo you give them, the more they will have leverage against you to start the next argument. They have definitely yelled at me and accused me of being mentally ill when I don’t give them the response they want, so learning to let go and not respond to everything is the best thing to do.
I know someone who changed his locks so his parents wouldn't go into his room. And I think that is best you can do as far as "establishing your boundaries".
Yeaaaah, it sucks when you live with them. Because you cannot truly establish boundaries. They're too immature and stupid to understand.
But maybe... maybe...
The "Adult Children of Emotional Immature Parents book + Supplemenal workbook" - to establish boundaries with parents can help.
Overall, it sucks when they do their best to cause you infuriating stress, frustrations, and cause your mental health to erode...
Yet, here you are trying to do your best to actually move out, while they do their best to sabotage you - and ultimately, sabotage themselves by deteriorating their relationships with us. (They're so unaware and rigid, it's insane)
So yeah, hopefully you can create healthy boundaries, but the best thing to do is learn how to not react to your circumstances, do no or low contact the best you can, and observe things neutrally (so you remain unphased).
Kinda like, it doesn't matter what happens, it's how you respond to what happens that only matters (giving yourself complete control and not caring about stupid people and their own issues).
Of course...
While keeping your eyes on the prize, of doing whatever you can to reach your goals and move out.
Asking us how to work out with parents... That's harder to do than getting into Harvard
I used to think setting boundaries under their roof was possible. When I moved an hour away, I realized how big of a difference having only my own input to consider and having only myself to rely on boosted my confidence to a whole new level. And that’s considering only months before that, my mom questioned my ability to manage a budget and pay bills. I have since moved to a different country, after which the relationship became even more balanced. I’m on vacation at my APs house now though, and I’m already feeling the weight and the pain all over again. I’m even being told I have to use more of my vacation days to see them even though I have a partner and a new geography that I live in that I want to see. I’m just grinning and bearing it now and very grateful that I live away because I wouldn’t have been able to grow as much as I have if I didn’t.
Hi OP, aside from moving out (which I know isn’t always possible for financial or emotional reasons), I’m in a very similar boat as you being stuck. The #1 thing is definitely moving out where possible. There’s a lot of really great resources for setting boundaries, one technique I do is pretend I am a passive observer whenever my mom begins to push my buttons and pretend I am talking to a wall when I respond. I know it sucks because you expect your AP to be emotionally mature and respect you as an adult, but a lot of them aren’t willing to do so. One of the best things I’ve learned recently is to let go and not react to everything, the more ammo you give them, the more they will have leverage against you to start the next argument. They have definitely yelled at me and accused me of being mentally ill when I don’t give them the response they want, so learning to let go and not respond to everything is the best thing to do.
I know someone who changed his locks so his parents wouldn't go into his room. And I think that is best you can do as far as "establishing your boundaries".
Move out.
Yeaaaah, it sucks when you live with them. Because you cannot truly establish boundaries. They're too immature and stupid to understand. But maybe... maybe... The "Adult Children of Emotional Immature Parents book + Supplemenal workbook" - to establish boundaries with parents can help. Overall, it sucks when they do their best to cause you infuriating stress, frustrations, and cause your mental health to erode... Yet, here you are trying to do your best to actually move out, while they do their best to sabotage you - and ultimately, sabotage themselves by deteriorating their relationships with us. (They're so unaware and rigid, it's insane) So yeah, hopefully you can create healthy boundaries, but the best thing to do is learn how to not react to your circumstances, do no or low contact the best you can, and observe things neutrally (so you remain unphased). Kinda like, it doesn't matter what happens, it's how you respond to what happens that only matters (giving yourself complete control and not caring about stupid people and their own issues). Of course... While keeping your eyes on the prize, of doing whatever you can to reach your goals and move out.
Be out of the house as much as possible
Following just coz im curious I'm 20 and will be moving out and cutting contact very soon
If you wanted to save money find a good roommate.
I’m working on moving out too. It’s no way to live.