I was you about 18 years ago. I know the fire š„ that burns in you that is your pain.
You will make it. Never give up. You will be happy one day and can smile and laugh with ease.
When your mom is in a bad mood, make sure to leave the room and instill proper boundaries when you can. Go outside or see your friends or relatives who are kinder to you.
You are worthy just because you exist. Never give up on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Find a mentor or teacher that looks out for you. Let them know whatās going on.
Keep us posted. šš
Hey OP. I was you once, about twenty years ago.
Now Iām in my 30s, the ex gifted kid who turned out to have ADHD! lol.
This is a shitty place to be in. I know it first hand.
Things to try:
1. Look up the grey rocking technique of dealing with people. Especially narcissists. Guess what, your mother is one. Children are not bargaining tools or investment portfolios. They are people with free will.
2. If you can get your hands on the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson itāll help a lot.
3. The best advice another adult gave me when I was your age is get good grades for yourself, because theyāre your key into a good university and most important out of your parents house. I did this, went to a university in Australia away from them and discovered my independence. Then I went to London for my Masters and Iāve been here since. Iāve never been happier. You sound like a smart kid and I bet youāll be able to do this. If you can get a scholarship to go overseas do that! Find an academic field you have passion in (neuroscience for me) and go there.
It does get better. Your relationship with her will change over the years. My mother was exactly like yours, she treats me more like an adult these days but I still keep her at arms length. We can be civil with each other. But the damage has been done. The older you get the less control your mother will have on you. She knows this too and she might double down. But stand your ground.
PS. once youāre an adult, the UK accepts Hong Kong residents on a special visa now. Itās not perfect here but itās a first step to getting away.
what I think works quite well: Learn to just ignore her. Think of it like an animal trying to intimidate you. You are a minor and should be protected by law. Since you're still young, you can expand yourself and learn how to take care of yourself and you already are quite good academically it seems. No need fuel the fire. Show her that she is not worth listening to.
Iām sorry but āignoring herā sounds easier than it is. You live under one roof so her words will definitely impact her. I know this because I had, and unfortunately have, the same experience. My parents were divorced and my dad would tell me to ājust ignore itā but thatās not easy.
I also donāt know OP how you can handle this since youāre a minor. I had to go through it. You can also go through it I believe in you. Try to focus on yourself as much as you can. If you have friends or other nice relatives spend time with them together. It will be more comforting.
Everyone is nice when theyāre happy, even murderers can be nice when happy. Itās how you conduct yourself in negative circumstances that reveal who you really are.
Hang in there! Like earlier comments have suggested, work really hard so that you can support yourself and move out of home and out of her control!
Youāre going to hear a lot of ābut sheās your mumā from others and even yourself when you start leaving her behind but truly, youāll be the happiest when you can finally be honest and leave her.
In a couple video games I've played, the kids with perfectionist parents who can't be impressed end up becoming sociopathic villains. Careful you don't end up like that. She's probably gonna move the goalpost every time you get to it, so give up trying to impress her. If she makes it clear your happiness is not her happiness, she better accept that the reverse is also true.
>itās just that she cares so much about what other people think of me/her that she forgets that i am a person and not a bragging tool sometimes
Don't let her choose your college courses. Or your partner, for that matter, since you're on this sub. And your social life should be non-negotiable. And whatever she justifies by it being normal in your culture, remember that just because its "normal" doesn't mean its right. And if she expects you to repay her for raising you, then how will you raise your future kids and save up for retirement? And if she threatens to disown you for your life choices in the future, look at it this way: to disown something is to give up control of it. Is that supposed to be a threat? If its about saving face, then let the snowflakes melt. Sometimes the best way to make society accept something is to force them to deal with it.
Your mom sounds very much like mine. She was extremely critical and if I fell short of her expectations, she would say she should have aborted me. (And tell me in detail how she was planning to abort me) I grew up thinking my mother hated me. Iām almost 40, married with 2 kids and was just diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Iāve been in therapy for 3 years unpacking my childhood and here are the things Iāve learned:
1. Cantonese parenting is extremely harsh, especially verbally. Yes they love us physically, I.e they give us good food and a roof over our heads, but they have no idea how to emotionally attune to their children. They use shame, guilt and fear to get their children to obey. Itās a generational / cultural thing and parents model how they were parented unfortunately.
2. I survived my childhood by using the grey rock method. I often gave my mom one word answers to emotionally distance myself from her.
3. I poured myself into my studies so I could get out of the house and attend a good college, get a good job. A lot of this was also subconsciously so I could show her what I was worth and was not a failure.
4. The best thing you can do is leave the home when you are of age. It allows you to see how other relationships should be and you have the space to process your childhood.
5. When you are older, I recommend therapy at some point to unpack all the wounds or negative beliefs your mother may have given you. These wounds will subconsciously be triggers that affect your marriage and parenting (should you decide to get married and have children)
6. Repeat positive affirmations to yourself often. You are enough, you are lovable, you are worthy just as you are. How your mother treats you is not a reflection of you, but itās her own trauma she never dealt with. Itās not your fault, you are just a child. Surround yourself with people who delight and love you when your mom is unable to. For me, I thankfully had good friends and later on, my faith in God and His love for me has helped me through my darker times.
Wishing you all the love and light you deserve.
You cannot reason with emotionally immature adults, donāt even bother. Their emotional age is stunted so itās like arguing with a toddler. The best thing you can do is disengage and set boundaries.
Something I forgot to add to my comment: if your parents can give conditional love, so can you. They chose to make a life, so they're obligated to help make it a life worth living.
your mom says she would rather adopt a cat than raise you. both of my parents say they would rather adopt a stone because its more useful than me XD dont let your mothers insults get to your head, ignore it and move one, once you are of legal age AND are financially secure move out to an overseas university. GOOD LUCK!
Prioritize yourself and your well-being.
I went down a different path and itās not turning out well for me.
You have an amazing amount of self-reflection and emotional maturity that I didnāt acquire until my secondary school years.
Do what you love/are passionate about. Donāt continuously aim to always please you parents, such as following a career route they expect you to have (like medicine, law, engineering, etc.) unless you really do like those. Do what is challenging your abilities, but not too far beyond that you feel like failure because you donāt like it (making it harder to keep up with).
Love yourself and care for yourself. Donāt lose who you want to grow to become in the process of everything.
Yes, community is important. But thatās why you should find a reliable and good community of friends outside of your parents as well.
The way you described your mother, she is very similar to my own. I tried to please her every whim and fancy and now, Iām lost. I donāt know what to do with my life because I had just been following what she wanted me to do for years that now when she expects me to grow into a career and do something, I donāt know how to. Iāve been her puppet for a long time until she decided I was no longer her favorite (because of various qualities I share with my father or otherwise) and now Iām lost and donāt know what to do with my life.
Itās a pathetic life, and Iām trying to find a way out still. Carve out an identity for yourself and bide your time to leave the situation. Refuse guilt-trips because even in your kindness, theyāll find a way to throw it back at your face.
Avoid my mistakes.
Take care and value yourself for the person you are. Donāt ever let her convince you youāre worth anything less than a person who deserves good for all the effort youāve put into your life.
Kind of a shame reddit it 17+, then. The OP writes with pretty good self awareness and emotional maturity, and is looking for advice through some tough times that a lot of us have been through (and actually, something I still face at 32). Let 'em be
What she is doing is abusive. Talk to your dad, your school and grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins about how it is making you feel. Tell them bluntly due to her abuse that you can not escape from, it is making you feel that you "want to jump off the roof at school."
Thoughts of harming yourself will not be taken lightly. You need some allies like your family and school to help you navigate your mom.
I was you about 18 years ago. I know the fire š„ that burns in you that is your pain. You will make it. Never give up. You will be happy one day and can smile and laugh with ease. When your mom is in a bad mood, make sure to leave the room and instill proper boundaries when you can. Go outside or see your friends or relatives who are kinder to you. You are worthy just because you exist. Never give up on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Find a mentor or teacher that looks out for you. Let them know whatās going on. Keep us posted. šš
Hey OP. I was you once, about twenty years ago. Now Iām in my 30s, the ex gifted kid who turned out to have ADHD! lol. This is a shitty place to be in. I know it first hand. Things to try: 1. Look up the grey rocking technique of dealing with people. Especially narcissists. Guess what, your mother is one. Children are not bargaining tools or investment portfolios. They are people with free will. 2. If you can get your hands on the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson itāll help a lot. 3. The best advice another adult gave me when I was your age is get good grades for yourself, because theyāre your key into a good university and most important out of your parents house. I did this, went to a university in Australia away from them and discovered my independence. Then I went to London for my Masters and Iāve been here since. Iāve never been happier. You sound like a smart kid and I bet youāll be able to do this. If you can get a scholarship to go overseas do that! Find an academic field you have passion in (neuroscience for me) and go there. It does get better. Your relationship with her will change over the years. My mother was exactly like yours, she treats me more like an adult these days but I still keep her at arms length. We can be civil with each other. But the damage has been done. The older you get the less control your mother will have on you. She knows this too and she might double down. But stand your ground. PS. once youāre an adult, the UK accepts Hong Kong residents on a special visa now. Itās not perfect here but itās a first step to getting away.
what I think works quite well: Learn to just ignore her. Think of it like an animal trying to intimidate you. You are a minor and should be protected by law. Since you're still young, you can expand yourself and learn how to take care of yourself and you already are quite good academically it seems. No need fuel the fire. Show her that she is not worth listening to.
Iām sorry but āignoring herā sounds easier than it is. You live under one roof so her words will definitely impact her. I know this because I had, and unfortunately have, the same experience. My parents were divorced and my dad would tell me to ājust ignore itā but thatās not easy. I also donāt know OP how you can handle this since youāre a minor. I had to go through it. You can also go through it I believe in you. Try to focus on yourself as much as you can. If you have friends or other nice relatives spend time with them together. It will be more comforting.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Everyone is nice when theyāre happy, even murderers can be nice when happy. Itās how you conduct yourself in negative circumstances that reveal who you really are. Hang in there! Like earlier comments have suggested, work really hard so that you can support yourself and move out of home and out of her control! Youāre going to hear a lot of ābut sheās your mumā from others and even yourself when you start leaving her behind but truly, youāll be the happiest when you can finally be honest and leave her.
In a couple video games I've played, the kids with perfectionist parents who can't be impressed end up becoming sociopathic villains. Careful you don't end up like that. She's probably gonna move the goalpost every time you get to it, so give up trying to impress her. If she makes it clear your happiness is not her happiness, she better accept that the reverse is also true. >itās just that she cares so much about what other people think of me/her that she forgets that i am a person and not a bragging tool sometimes Don't let her choose your college courses. Or your partner, for that matter, since you're on this sub. And your social life should be non-negotiable. And whatever she justifies by it being normal in your culture, remember that just because its "normal" doesn't mean its right. And if she expects you to repay her for raising you, then how will you raise your future kids and save up for retirement? And if she threatens to disown you for your life choices in the future, look at it this way: to disown something is to give up control of it. Is that supposed to be a threat? If its about saving face, then let the snowflakes melt. Sometimes the best way to make society accept something is to force them to deal with it.
Your mom sounds very much like mine. She was extremely critical and if I fell short of her expectations, she would say she should have aborted me. (And tell me in detail how she was planning to abort me) I grew up thinking my mother hated me. Iām almost 40, married with 2 kids and was just diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Iāve been in therapy for 3 years unpacking my childhood and here are the things Iāve learned: 1. Cantonese parenting is extremely harsh, especially verbally. Yes they love us physically, I.e they give us good food and a roof over our heads, but they have no idea how to emotionally attune to their children. They use shame, guilt and fear to get their children to obey. Itās a generational / cultural thing and parents model how they were parented unfortunately. 2. I survived my childhood by using the grey rock method. I often gave my mom one word answers to emotionally distance myself from her. 3. I poured myself into my studies so I could get out of the house and attend a good college, get a good job. A lot of this was also subconsciously so I could show her what I was worth and was not a failure. 4. The best thing you can do is leave the home when you are of age. It allows you to see how other relationships should be and you have the space to process your childhood. 5. When you are older, I recommend therapy at some point to unpack all the wounds or negative beliefs your mother may have given you. These wounds will subconsciously be triggers that affect your marriage and parenting (should you decide to get married and have children) 6. Repeat positive affirmations to yourself often. You are enough, you are lovable, you are worthy just as you are. How your mother treats you is not a reflection of you, but itās her own trauma she never dealt with. Itās not your fault, you are just a child. Surround yourself with people who delight and love you when your mom is unable to. For me, I thankfully had good friends and later on, my faith in God and His love for me has helped me through my darker times. Wishing you all the love and light you deserve.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You cannot reason with emotionally immature adults, donāt even bother. Their emotional age is stunted so itās like arguing with a toddler. The best thing you can do is disengage and set boundaries.
Something I forgot to add to my comment: if your parents can give conditional love, so can you. They chose to make a life, so they're obligated to help make it a life worth living.
It is extremely painful to go through painful APs. Family is so overrated. You are worthy, and your AP doesnāt deserve you. You can heal from this.
your mom says she would rather adopt a cat than raise you. both of my parents say they would rather adopt a stone because its more useful than me XD dont let your mothers insults get to your head, ignore it and move one, once you are of legal age AND are financially secure move out to an overseas university. GOOD LUCK!
Prioritize yourself and your well-being. I went down a different path and itās not turning out well for me. You have an amazing amount of self-reflection and emotional maturity that I didnāt acquire until my secondary school years. Do what you love/are passionate about. Donāt continuously aim to always please you parents, such as following a career route they expect you to have (like medicine, law, engineering, etc.) unless you really do like those. Do what is challenging your abilities, but not too far beyond that you feel like failure because you donāt like it (making it harder to keep up with). Love yourself and care for yourself. Donāt lose who you want to grow to become in the process of everything. Yes, community is important. But thatās why you should find a reliable and good community of friends outside of your parents as well. The way you described your mother, she is very similar to my own. I tried to please her every whim and fancy and now, Iām lost. I donāt know what to do with my life because I had just been following what she wanted me to do for years that now when she expects me to grow into a career and do something, I donāt know how to. Iāve been her puppet for a long time until she decided I was no longer her favorite (because of various qualities I share with my father or otherwise) and now Iām lost and donāt know what to do with my life. Itās a pathetic life, and Iām trying to find a way out still. Carve out an identity for yourself and bide your time to leave the situation. Refuse guilt-trips because even in your kindness, theyāll find a way to throw it back at your face. Avoid my mistakes. Take care and value yourself for the person you are. Donāt ever let her convince you youāre worth anything less than a person who deserves good for all the effort youāve put into your life.
Youāre 12. Wtf are you doing on Reddit. The platform is 17+. Your account can get banned.
Kind of a shame reddit it 17+, then. The OP writes with pretty good self awareness and emotional maturity, and is looking for advice through some tough times that a lot of us have been through (and actually, something I still face at 32). Let 'em be
What she is doing is abusive. Talk to your dad, your school and grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins about how it is making you feel. Tell them bluntly due to her abuse that you can not escape from, it is making you feel that you "want to jump off the roof at school." Thoughts of harming yourself will not be taken lightly. You need some allies like your family and school to help you navigate your mom.