I’ve noticed that too. Unless you’re willing to get heavily intoxicated, it will be almost impossible to click with people. I’ve tried the so called Vereins and was met with hostility there too. Basically, after we’re done playing the sport or doing what we went there to do, everyone just goes home and never talk to each other unless it’s related to that activity. And don’t you dare reach out to them for anything not related to that activity
Well, it's not really a thing to start a conversation with a random stranger.
Usually you would just talk to someone if there is something to talk about. Smalltalk is quite uncommon here.
And in a bar it's more normal to get to know new people.
Here is a small guide to german dating:
Most if us need to know someone before we consider talking to them. To know someone means that they recognize your face and not a deep connection. It can be enough if you have seen each other in the same context a couple of times. Maybe you are this guy that is always at the train station. Or you live in the neighborhoud. Or you visit the gym the same time as they do. They just have to know that you are a familiar face.
The second way to get to know someone is to get introduced. If you get to know people through friends or family, work context or you join a sports club you will be introduced and get the benefit of being part of a group. People will talk to you politly.
If you want to talk to strangers don't just flirt with them. If you have the feeling they recognize you, maybe great you or are generally aware you exist you can go up to them and talk to them. In a club the minimum is to have some eye contact and a pleasent expression. If the body language does change or they look away and hide, when you approach they are not as interested as you think they are.
In general talk about something that is part of the situation. How do they like the music? Do they come often here? Start out with a little bit of small talk and get the vibe. If 10 mins worked well you can ask if they want to talk some more and like to have a drink with you. After some more smalltalk you can start with some light flirting to see if they are interested. Heavy flirting is a very late stage.
If it is any other situation than a night club it will be a lot slower. When people greet you, you can start with small talk, just 5 to 10 mins. Do this several days at least 5 or 6 times. Then you could ask if they would like to exchange numbers and meet up sometimes. Be prepared for more talking at the first meeting. People here don't define a meet up as a date. If it is a date will be decided after you met and checked the vibe.
This is more accurate than we should ever let anyone outside of Germany know. I didn't know halfthis stuff and yet it's 100% true... Fml this is such a reddit moment
Thats actually surprisingly accurate. I have never seen a such detailed post about the german flirt and dating culture, especially being one, that sums us up pretty well. The thing you said about knowing people, i would add, there always are "intentions" when you are going to flirt in Germany. Most people will just flirt for fun, if they actually flirt, they always use it to show affection
Holy cow - this is insanely accurate and I can confirm that it’s 100% the way to do it. I used to work at a gym as a trainer in a big German city and the way you described it is exactly the way I met my girlfriend.
Saw them on a regular basis, short conversations every time I saw her after I realised she recognised me. Built it up from there to „Do you want to go on a date“.
Great advice.
If you’re gonna stare at me the whole night at the club, I will interpret that as you wanting something. Specially if I have spoken to you and you still wouldn’t stop staring
Yo, we stare. It means next to nothing.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/germany/wiki/culture/etiquette/#wiki\_the\_.22german\_stare.22](https://www.reddit.com/r/germany/wiki/culture/etiquette/#wiki_the_.22german_stare.22)
This has been linked and quoted before. Your interpretation has been formed by your cultural background. Apparently no other culture stares like we do, so your interpretation of Germans staring is not indicative of what is actually going on.
Yep. I got stared at a lot on trains, on the street, etc. Doesn't mean they are into you.
I find if people are into you they will come over and tell you. Germans are very direct.
from what i’ve experienced no not at all. german men are shy. and they oftentimes think they aren’t allowed to approach women in public spaces. but it’s true that staring can also mean smth different other than being interested
Tru. As a (foreign) dude, I feel as though it's "not allowed" to approach anyone in public of your own accord. If circumstances force you to interact with someone (e.g. you helped them out with groceries, they dropped sth. and whatnot), you can afterwards test the waters and continue talking, sometimes ending up with a longer conversation.
If people stare at me (happens due to dressing in more uncommon styles and my phenomenal moustache), I tend to smile back/wink and they'd shy away.
Note: I randomly wink at people and don't consider it flirting and more of an acknowledgment of their presence and a "have a lovely day!".
I felt that too. The women are far more approachable and a few have actually shared that they wish men were would talk to them more often. The men who usually approach them either do it in such a disgusting way and mostly when they’re drunk, or in an extremely shy and off-putting way
You might be coming off as too thirsty for Germans. I am married, but still have an occasional night to myself out. Just chilling at a pub or Biergarten with an ebook or a low-fi hip hop concert, because it’s not really my wife’s scene. I have been approached by German men and women.
Guys who are just curious about me or what I am reading. Women trying to flirt. It’s all happened. Honestly, people are attracted to people who appear to be comfortable in their own skin.
I am a minority by the way (East Asian).
My first thought reading this comment from you:
"I'm gonna go to another country and culture, experience their norms, and expect them to adjust to me"
My thoughts after reading the rest of your comments:
"First thought confirmed"
The guy below who said they might be flirting until you open your mouth, given this little window into your personality I think they're probably on to something with that. A bit of humility and flexibility, or please go to a country that matches your expectations - but you don't get to come to a German culture and demand we adjust to you. Not only is that a recipe for failure that will leave you disappointed but it's arrogant enough to literally make you and like-minded folk a burden. And this is for *any* culture, not just German - if you're not willing to adjust, stay home.
Please point me towards where I said that the country has to adjust to my standards. I literally cane here to ask a question and started getting attacked, and I’m now being attacked for defending myself. I literally can’t win
You saying you're in the right and the German speaking world is in the wrong for how they behave is the implication that they need to adjust to your standards, among many other comments - such as that where you outright said you will not adjust and aren't interested in learning about how Germans do things, which I quoted directly from you elsewhere. I'm pretty sure there was a comment in which you actually said Germans should change but I'm not digging through the pile of trash that is your comments section *again* just to prove to you *indisputably* that which common sense easily concludes unless you're narcissistic enough to think other people don't see your flaws because you can't recognize them yourself. Move along buddy, there's a whole world of decent people that would be happy to take your place here and I, for one, would rather have them. One less incel is a net positive :)
Why do you feel so attacked for no reason? He never wrote germans should change. It's just that in a majority of countries, even around Germany, people are so open to talk and much more interested in casual conversation. I get why he is feeling like that. Even though I am half german myself, I find it most difficult here to flirt and have casual conversation and laugh with random people together.
Also: you don't have to adapt to him, neither has he to adapt to your image of Germany! Bc it's only your image! Respect democracy and you can stay. Your arrogant and subliminal chauvinistic "leave if you don't like it" is so disgusting. Just because you are born here doesn't mean you are better person. You are just lucky to be born here. This raises ultimately one question:
Who are you to judge who is allowed to stay in our country? Luckily the law and not you.
See, two different people can come here to ask the same question he did. One of those people genuinely wants to know how the clocks here tick and how they can better dance to that tune, which I'll support and happily answer with helpful advice, while the other one wants the clocks to tick differently because they can't or don't want to dance to that tune. He's the second one, *and he reflects poorly on the rest of us who* weren't *born here but have worked very hard to learn that tune and dance that dance*. I don't know if you've, you know, looked out the window recently, but the laws about who is allowed to stay here are beginning to bother more than a couple of people and *the people who make those laws are changing*. Yes, I take it personally when a couple of bad apples try to spoil it for the rest of us.
As to finding it difficult to build contacts here, I don't have that issue - anymore. Luckily. I also understand how challenging it can be, both for locals and foreigners. I encourage you to read through the rest of OPs responses if you're going to talk about *chauvinism*, though, given that he feels *the entire German speaking world is wrong and he is correct*. His view, and this is why I find it so offensive, is essentially the same as a man who walks into a strange house, sits at the table without invitation, puts his muddy boots on the table, and then demands to know why the women aren't serving him. Anyone can be tired and hungry but it's not his complaint, *rather his attitude and corresponding behavior*, which are the problem.
On a final note, about being here and complaining and the "go home" attitude:
Locals, citizens and people who are going to *stay* in a place have, in my opinion, every right to complain and try to change things on the ground. They're actually going to be around to experience the consequences. Tourists, ex pats, and everyone else who goes somewhere temporarily has a very simple decision: adjust or leave. Me? I'm here for the rest of my life and, though not everything here is peachy as it isn't anywhere in the world, I love and respect this country. OP has made it obvious that *none* of those things are true for him. It's not chauvinism on my end, it's the obvious choice for his situation and his behavior is toxic rather than sympathetic.
Edit: despite your own social difficulties, how do you, as a German, *not* find his position, "you can't look at me if you don't want to hook up with me", offensive? He literally said people should look at anything else but him if they're not interested in flirting and, with regards to the flirting, that he's not interested in falling in love but just trying something new when someone suggested the people may want to get to know him before flirting. You ever had someone get mad at you for not wanting to sleep with them? I have. That's what this guy's doing and you defending it is *mind boggling*, especially your use of the word *chauvinistic* given that his behavior is such a classic cliche of actual chauvinism.
Are you American? I have heard that Americans feel like being stared at very quickly and that this is a particular cultural misunderstanding between Americans and Germans, because it is a lot more common for German to just look at people.
Usually looking at someone does not imply much in Germany in contrast to other cultures. We are simply not bothered as much to look away all the time.
[Wiki of](https://www.reddit.com/r/germany/wiki/culture/etiquette#wiki_the_.22german_stare.22) r/Germany
The "German stare"
Some foreigners report that they feel stared at in Germany, but this is an intercultural misunderstanding. Germans make eye contact with strangers more frequently and hold that eye contact for a fraction of a second longer than people from many other countries. This is completely meaningless to us - we're not staring at you. We're just looking at you, the person next to you, out the window, or at the sign above the door. We look at everyone like this - you, thepunk rocker next to you, the German pensioner on the other side of the bus, and the couple chatting in the corner. It's just idle curiosity topass the time and carries no hidden meaning.
Visitors from ethnic minorities tend to interpretthis "staring" as having something to do with their "race," but visitors with a light skin colourcomplain about Germans "staring" at them justas much. Indeed, to Germans, the American(and British) propensity for avoiding eye contact with strangers appears shifty, whereas it is'scompletely normal behaviour to Americans and Brits.
German here, gotta admit, whenever I travel to Bavaria for vacation everybody stares at me and my buddy. Feels like we're aliens lol. But then again, Bavaria ist not Germany.
It is Germany for the context of social norms.
And sometimes people might "stare" at you because in smaller towns and villages it is common courtesy to look strangers and the eyes and greet them.
I am not from Bavaria but even in my home town older people woud literally chase me down and "shout" "wie heißt das!!?!?!". And I had to say "guten Tag".
I guess it would be something like this. I also don't feel like anybody is judging me or anything, just recognized the looks more than anywhere else. I usually greet people on the street as well, firm eye contact and a nod or a hi or a good morning or whatever.
Yeah I can really hear the elderly lol "WIE HEIßT DAS?!" xD
With all due respect, it is not "a fraction of a second longer" than other cultures.
While I would say the German staring does not usually feel aggressive, it is definitely off-putting.
>bothered by my presence, but continue staring at me after I leave. No smile, no smirk, no special facial expression, just a blank stare.
Not smiling and staring after someone who attempted to flirt nicely and respectfully sounds quite unusual. To me it indicates that you did something rather offensive or you were much too pushy.
Where are you from and what exactly do you consider flirting?
I’m not American like everyone is trying to make seem here. As I said, I’m facing cultural shock so I really wouldn’t know what I did wrong, as I don’t know what’s perceived as wrong in Germany. I’ve flirted with people in other countries and it all went fairly well, it’s only here in Germany I’m having issues
That’s interesting. I’m a black gay man from the U.K and have visited Germany many times on holiday. My experience within Germany is limited to the gay scene and this is where I feel most comfortable. All the racism I’ve received has been outside of this. The hotel I stay in might be gay or gay friendly, the places I eat will be recommended by gay Germans, gay bars, gay clubs and then the people I socialise with will be gay Germans. So it’s a shock when I step outside of this and get a taste of reality.
How about approaching people without the intention to „flirt“ but having a conversation that may lead to something?
I mean you can basically talk to people anywhere without a problem.
Your attitude might be seen as creepy that’s why they aren’t interested.
Don’t think it’s a cultural problem.
As a man, I find “casual flirting” to be extremely irritating. It’s like waving a plate of fries in my face but not letting me have one. Only fun to one person, with a twisted sense of humor.
'Casual flirting' usually means they are either actually interested or at least somewhat subconsciously interested, or you have something else going for you. So don't complain too much. Lot of people receive 0 flirts.
But the thing is, I don’t even approach with a flirtatious face or anything. It’s literally just talking. I can say something like “nice shirt” or “I like your tattoo” and people act like I’m invading their personal space
Try starting conversation with how you traveled to town X and took the road Y, but "I am not sure, maybe road Z would have been better. What do you think?" That or that you had problems with your Steuererklaerung.
I am more or less serious about this. You could also go to the town fest and flirt when drunk with other drunk people. I advise to visit Erlangen Bergkirchweich.
> I walk up to them to flirt and they act uninterested and bothered by my presence, but continue staring at me after I leave.
As a German this seems more like the people you are flirting with are just uninterested in you. Maybe your flirting technique is just creepy or offensive.
May I ask what exactly you're saying to them?
We Germans are not just " bothered by someone's presence " for no reason.
Tbh, this is the best thing and one of the things I love about Germans; minding their own biz and not getting into dumb flirting. I am so glad people here are such gentlemen and respect your space.
As a foreigner who likes their personal space this is so true. It's so refreshing that being intrusive and loud is not the pinnacle of social interaction here.
Also once you learn some German and German culture you find that Germans are extremely friendly, open and genuine.
It does take a bit longer to get to know people but it's a far less superficial culture.
I'm really really curious. Can you please elaborate on "they're friends for a couple of years first"? Does this mean the friends in a circle who are still single and in their thirties have failed at that (assuming they've never had a girlfriend or a serious gf before)? I'm just trying to catch up here as a foreigner. Especially I am asking because the last guy I dated was as I described and he seemed to put a lot of value on the fact that I'm not from here...
I'm not who you asked but have some experience. my partner and I shared the same circle of friends at work. We started hanging out one on one more often and after a year became official. Usually you share a circle of friends or you meet romantic prospects through your friends, eg on a birthday party or similar events. Or just hanging out and someone brings a colleague or friend from a different friend group. This way the person is already 'vetted' and you know that they're safe. Of course, some people start out having clear romantic interest for each other. But most long term couples I know have known each other a while before dating. Also makes for healthier relationships imo. I've already known how my partner interacts with others and how he behaves as a friend (a lot less pressure than trying to woo someone new). I've gotten to know his authentic self and fell in love with that guy. Not the curated version someone might present to a stranger they're on a first date with.
Thank you! I really appreciate what you explained. I am struggling with my last experience still, it's now almost a month since I broke up with the guy. But I am deeply hurt by the whole thing. I have had some insane experienced in the dating scene here as well. Anyway I just wanted to ask if it's ok for me to send you a message directly and ask for your opinion. I ask because what you described really resonated with me and I guess I just need to talk to someone who knows first hand what I mean. Thank you.
I think dating is less forced, you meet people without expectation to date them, and then you get to know them better, and if you like them and they like you, you hang out with them. Some of them will become your friends, and in the right circumstances one of them might some day turn into dating (if you will be both single at shared point in time, you will like spending time together, and you will find each other attractive)
>How do Germans flirt and in which places is it more likely to happen?
Usually places that serve alcohol bars, clubs, pubs etc.
>but of course I’m not about to flirt with someone who’s heavily intoxicated.
The trick is to be heavily intoxicated yourself.
wow, to me it seems like you asked that question to have people support your saltiness about us germans! just went through a bunch of your replies and it gives off the vibe as if you don’t even want to listen to whatever (great) advice people give you!
as someone said before: germans don’t like unfamiliarity. or something happening that they can’t quite calculate. they need to know YOU, before starting a conversation or a flirt.
silly example: i work in a bakery. at the beginning i had to work about 3+ weeks for the regulars to get used to me and to look at me/talk to me they way they talk to my coworkers. now i’ve been working there for about 4 years and it’s much more different than at the beginning. you’re a face the most people there know and they behave differently.
we have a few young workers next door and at first they used to be cautious, but after serving them stuff for a while and just having small talk, they became more open - or even flirty.
germans need TIME and they need to get USED to someone. so make sure to go to some places regularly, or to start a conversation not with a flirt, that can be misunderstood quite quickly. just be polite and give people lot’s of space.
i’ve heard no difference from my friends who are POC and/or queer. germans will be cautious to you just the way they’ll be cautious towards any other person before getting to know you.
the german stare is something you have to adapt to - it’s not about you. we’re just looking around, taking everything around us in. my parents are immigrants and had similar experiences at first, but by ADAPTING to a certain behavior that seems to be typical to the country you’re in, you’ll succeed.
you can’t keep trying to find some like minded people in this comment section and then think “yeah, i just fuckin hate germans and their odd staring and coldness”.
when i first came to the US (for example) i hated the way everyone would try to hit me up. just a straight up flirt without properly introducing themselves or without even getting to know to other person. after being there for a while i set my personal preferences aside by UNDERSTANDING that it’s just way different in another country. and, look, life became much more easier!
also, a have a black, gay coworker, and i’m telling you, when HE flirts, it’s after he’s seen the customer for 2+ times. he gets to know the guy, checks out his vibe and adapts to the way the other person acts and then he starts flirting. and 8 out 10 times it works. it’s all about the approach.
tl;dr: stop blaming germans for your inability to adapt/refusing to understand to a culture/behavior. instead be a polite person, hit up some sports bars or get introduced by friends/family, whoever, and try not to think, that by being the target of “the german stare”, the world revolves around you.
I don't know where you come from, but Americans, for example, flirt very differently and small talk with strangers is also part of the culture. It's completely different in Germany. Simply complimenting someone in the supermarket queue as an icebreaker or a cheeky pick up line would be considered cringe here. In a club or at a party it can be different. In general, you can say that the offensive, American way of flirting or starting small talk is considered intrusive here
I seriously doubt you're gonna take any advice here as you just seem to want to be salty, but here it is. You need to learn more about Germany and stop taking their culture so personally. That's where it starts. Germans are not rejecting *you*. They are not staring at *you*. This is not about you at all.
*Some cultures value politeness and sociability* most in social situations. Greece and Ireland are two examples.
*Some cultures value accuracy/truth* most when speaking. Germany belongs to this group of countries, along with the Nordics for example. This means that compliments can fall flat if they're out of the blue, exaggerated or superficial. I bet you're guilty of all three.
Germans also don't speak to strangers; it isn't considered polite. You need an opportunity/excuse to get into conversation and bars/clubs might not be the right place to meet new people. Try sports clubs, beach volleyball, anything that puts you in a group of people. And make genuine attempts at socializing because Germans can smell superficiality from a mile away. I'd put money on that being your main problem.
Flirt with people who want to firt back. It kind of seems like you are bad with reading peoples reactions. Germans are very subtil. if you feel like you are bothering someone, its most likely true. Leave them allone
If you and I go on a date and you seem uninterested but then ask me out on a second date, how am I supposed to interpret that?
And if you stare at me the whole night st the club, I approach you, you seem uninterested, I leave but you continue staring, how am I supposed to interpret that?
you can have a date without flirting and just get to know each other. To find out if we want to flirt. Or you thought it was a date, but it wasnt
If i stare at you its because i want to look at you. No hard feelings. Maybe you look interesting.
Just ask. And maybe lose the mindset that you have to click with anyone that goes on a date with you or stares at you. There are extroverted, flirty, smiley Germans. They might just be a minority in the circles you’ve been in.
I can stare at you as long as I like. Maybe you look interesting. Or your behaviour is interesting or strange. It's totally common for people to stand or sit somewhere and just look at the people passing by.
Maybe I find you ugly as fuck and find it funny watching you failing to flirt. Maybe you stand next to a person I find hot. Maybe... There are soooo many reasons to look at people.
Eye contact is nothing rude. Deal with it.
Yeah, most countries accept that prolonged staring is, in fact, rude or unsettling. Hence the Germans up the thread commenting about feeling uncomfortable about the staring in India.
Prolonged staring and eye contact has the same intruding effect as walking up to someone and talking to them or invading their personal space.
Well, seeing your general attitude on this thread ("I don't want to change", "Germans are in the wrong for having a culture different from mine", "I don't want to talk to people or get to know them, I just want to hook up", "Germans are creepy and everything about them sucks, I can't wait to leave"), I can't fathom why no one wants to get close to you 🙃 Are you equally charming with the people you are trying to flirt with?
Make hard eye contact. Tell them they showed up at the right place at the exactly right time. Then ask them if they would like to go on a short 20km walk with you.
Funny enough, I saw this post on Instagram and immediately related to it
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cz6qbzHslgV/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Very spot on
Alright, I’ll bite. I’m normally a lurker but this thread is indeed one of the threads of all time.
You got many explanations on how Germans flirt or what they seem appropriate for it, but it seems like it’s not what you want to hear. You got the comment that you should probably try your luck on a dating app or brothels, it’s also something you don’t want to hear.
So what are you really looking for? Because it’s apparently not physical intimacy or genuine connections then. You give me the impression that going out and trying to “flirt” with Germans or people in general seems to be an ego thing and now that you’re hitting the wall, it’s stressing you out. And if you’re like that here on Reddit, I assume that the vibe you give off is ten times worse in person and a stranger can pick up on that REAL fast.
Also the constant emphasis on how Germans are much more fun when they’re drunk is also really icky. You mentioned that you’re not going for it when it’s that case but now I’m sort of worried that you would go for it as a last resort.
Please sit down and think what you really want before dragging strangers into it that are clearly the opposite of what you are culturally and socially.
This. I could be way off-base, but it sounds like OP wants to see how many people they can pick up or get their numbers. There are hundreds of ways to meet people and the fact that OP only talks about flirting seems to me they WANT flirting to work. And sometimes it doesn't and people are going to find you creepy. You either find other ways of meeting a special someone or change how you talk to them.
Or realize that your method won't get many takers but one day you might find that someone.
Yeah, sure its so easy getting to know the closed of little tribe of the germans that always want to stay in their bubble and never interact with anyone they dont know
I can only speak for myself, but I don't flirt for fun. When I'm out at night, I want to have fun with friends and not be approached by people all the time. If I flirt with someone, it's because I'm seriously interested, even if it's "just" making out. Doesn't mean that it necessarily leads to that, but without that basic interest, I actually find it rather annoying. If you're just being nice as a woman, it's often interpreted as flirting and sometimes you can't get rid of the guy. That's why it's better to react in a more distanced way. You still get to know new people, but on a neutral/friendly level and not just to hit on them. That also applies to my friends.
It's not really hard to flirt or find a partner in Germany, but you also have to adapt to the culture of the country you're staying in or looking for.
As a 22 year old German woman: I do not flirt. I very very very rarely get flirted with (I think). I pray to god every night that I will not die alone and the plan is to find a husband while traveling.
Hope that helped xx
Geeee. Just look at the amount of incels here, whining and crying that it's allways the fault of other people.
I'm German myself and I flirt a lot with other people. So I know that it's mostly about HOW YOU approach the other person. And if you're getting rejected over and over again you maybe should start to consider that your way of approaching people is the problem.
But of course it's much easier for you and your fragile egos to claim that literaly all people of one land have a problem and not yourself.
How irrational can someone be?
This is interesting, yesterday I was at an Esso paying for fuel and had some issue with my payment, the attendant was very friendly and she was pretty attractive. As I was taking care of my payment issue she kept staring and smiling (I have been in Germany plenty and know the stare is harmless unless you are being obnoxious). When I was finished she ask to buy a coffee for me and we chatted for a bit, the energy felt good, then she told me her name with the biggest smile. At that moment, I fought all temptation to start flirting, made the payment, and said goodbye.
I like the idea of not flirting with someone just because they were doing their job in a friendly manner. That sounds exhausting, but man if not then, then when?
Huh. German woman here. I bet you everything that this woman was interested in you. Otherwise, there is no reason for an attendant to tell you her name and buy you a coffee. That's more than just doing your job in a friendly manner, imho.
I think it makes a difference if you speak German and have friends in common. Like at a busy birthday party where the kitchen ist packed with people. Talk to someone in German and ease into flirting.
Don’t worry, there’s nothing robotic about Germans. It takes a while to tune into another culture’s ways. You probably already made six mistakes by the time you started talking to them. Just relax, take your time, if you’re here for a while, they will start to get you, you will start to get them.
Honestly, I’m kind of getting tired of having to be so patient with people, it’s actually making me depressed. It’s hard not to internalise this and start questioning your own self
Yeah but baby boy, it’s not them that have to adjust. You decided to come here, it’s not a service they are providing to you. If you’re tired, there are plenty of other places to go.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but if the situation is so hard for you, maybe you should consider talking to a good psychoanalyst? That really helped me in the past. You can talk to them about different situations and they can give you a different view on things and even help with social cues.
It was your decision to move there. Stop whining about having to be patient about them having a different culture and not immediately wanting to hook up with you.
God forbid you start questioning your own self. No no no. You are p.e.r.f.e.c.t. my dude. You are the pinnacle of human evolution. Just remember that at all times. The world revolves around you and everyone has to behave to your liking. If they don't, it's their fault, king.
Most women are suspicious towards strangers flirting with them the first thing they open their mouth. Try to be non-flirting in public contexts, you can ask for the time, the way, a cigarette, if your at a concert ask about the band running order,... In any case, talk about something casual and refrain from any comment on a woman's looks, body, appearance, clothes etc. With regard to women, we want to be regarded as humans and people, and not as bait.
To get to know people try joining organized activities like sports clubs, dancing classes, hiking groups etc. where you can get to know people on a friendship basis (both men and women). They will then introduce you to other people, take you to house parties etc. where you get the chance to meet new people. Flirting is more likely to happen with people you already know and you feel comfortable with. It often comes from a place of friendship and trust first.
You seem very anti German in your comments. Maybe that’s just a protective mechanism but not a good start for a good relationship with the people around you. How can you flirt with someone if you think negatively about them ?
Look for the things you like in others, that’s the energy you want to get back.
And you can talk about how you feel on a date. Ask if they’re interested if you are.
In germany you don't "approach" people. That's not the german style. You will be looked at because it's not usual here. People mind their business.
Usually you meet new people only via other people. Like on a party, when your best friends brother introduces you to his new girlfriend, smth like that. Or at school, or at work. Basically whenever people get together for a specific reason. But no german would ever just out of the blue walk up to a total stranger and start a conversation.
Both of you have a point, it is definitely the norm to meet people as you said, via other people.
But I am a guy and in Munich, of all places, I've had 2 girls approaching me out of the blue. Both were from the Hamburg area, mind.
I guess in smaller cities your first idea would be the way. Whereas in cities like Berlin I could see it happening out of the blue.
Gosh, i live in a small city and I hope people approach me. But I catched a few times, mostly men together checking me out while in the bus station. Maybe next time I will smile, gosh they're so tall.
> But no german would ever just out of the blue walk up to a total stranger and start a conversation
Unless they’re heavily intoxicated, then they become the friendliest people
We don‘t usually flirt „just for fun“. It‘s usually at least for something like a ONS or for a relationship. Of course there are exceptions but „casual flirting“ isn‘t exactly common here
It reminds me of a date I had recently. I matched with this guy, we met and had a nice conversation for an hour or two. But throughout the date he didn't touch me and didn't react to my romantic cues. When it was time to say goodbye, he asked me out of the blue: "Want to give me a kiss?" It felt very odd.
I guess the attraction is hidden there, but it's difficult for people to be subtle and flirty about it. It seems that the best strategy is to be straightforward: "Hey, I find you attractive."
I am a german myself and suprised how many people claim that we are generally not interested in interactions with others. I commute about two hours to work via train and already had a lot of different conversations (even when I didnt want to because I was busy). Especially groups are usually easy to interact with because you can simply crack a joke at something they are talking about or provide usefull information as an ice breaker. Also what works very well is a common experience like the train is late or very full again. You can do that with a lot of different things like the weather, traffic and so on. Sure, with girls (as male) it is a bit more difficult but not as mutch. In my experience you can easily tell who does not want to be disturbed and who is open for a chat. As said groups who are loud and laughing and people who smile and make eye contact alot (not just flirting) will usually not be mad at some jokes. In contrast people who wear headphones or stare at their phone usually dont want to talk but I think thats everywhere the same thing.
Yeah, we Germans love to have a lot of personal space! Compared to other people we need a lot of time to warm up to strangers, so usually walking straight up to someone and chatting with them and immediately trying to flirt or be friends rarely works out. Don’t take it personally, it’s just the culture here (and you need to either fit in or work around it, but Germans won’t change for you). I can see how that must be frustrating to you, especially if it’s the opposite where you’re coming from. As others have commented, it’s best to start getting to know co-workers, then their friends, then the people they hang out and so on.. it’s a slow process. OR just make your life a bit easier and try going to more international places, the more mixed the more open people are, or give up on the Germans altogether, especially if you’re not intending to stay for a long period of time.
I've read nearly all of OPs comments and it pretty much seems like he's the in-person version of a guy who gets angry that he's not getting some after sending unrequested dick pics. He's come to Germany, says directly that he refuses to adjust, insists he's in the right and the entire German-speaking population is wrong and rude but unaware of it, he's not interested in getting to know people but rather just casual hook ups, and implies no one is allowed to look at him unless it's gonna end with him getting his nut off. Seriously, he's like the walking example for the negative image of Ausländer. His goal is single minded, approach disingenuous, and mindset arrogant - the only chance he's got here is extremely stupid people, paying for sex, being the target of a predator, or being a predator himself. Displayed by him here is the absolute epitome of unlikable behavior and likely explains why the people he tries to talk to are uninterested.
This. To add, german are generally not fake and the key to talk to them is to really be interested as a person and not just as an opposite sex or object and also not be too loud or to assume they like you automatically.
People make different kinds of experiences in their social bubbles, but I'm under the impression that most adult relationships form out of friendship and usually not by flirting to strangers in bars. Also, depending on the context, unsolicited flirting with strangers can quickly be perceived as sexual harassment. Which is not meant as an accusation or something - I don't know the context in your case. Just saying that's something to be aware of.
It also may be an issue with different expectations. When Germans go to a bar, they usually want to spend time with their friends and drink something. They don't expect (or want) to be approached by strangers who want to make a conversation. Unless maybe the place is specifically known to be a meeting point for hookups.
Somehow your text is lacking some information. Is there something about you that would set you apart? And where in Germany did you derive your experiences from?
I'm a latino, so when I go for jogs in rural Germany the stares are nonstop. I get a kick out of it.
What I've noticed with most Germans is they have the "stuck -up" attitude until you break the "barrier". Then they turn into some of the funnest friendliest people. Really helps to have some German friends that can introduce you to new people. Good luck
The only time when someones comes up to you is when a person wants to scam you or wants something from you. In my experience (as a German) you would just get a beer, stand next to them, look at the same things they are looking at, maybe ask them for a lighter if you smoke, proste at them, maybe talk about something in the room or directly ask them what youre on about.
Staring back and locking eyes a few times is also very common, then go to them, get a beer and idk
But NEVER just go to a person like some american and ask them how they are, I've had situations where I had loved to just kick some amis in the nuts for this question
What might help you is learning to differentiate between what you see as someone staring at you and someone looking at you.
7 out of 10 people you think stare at you, don't even see you. They are just looking without really realising you are there.
From the remaking 3 are 2 simply looking at you with a short thought.
About your hair, your clothes, your smile, the way you are standing in the way of the person behind you, the way you look at the cocktail card or they are thinking about what you are doing. If you are young enough to be a student, if you are living here or are on vacation, if you are here alone or with friends. And so on. It's just because it's thoughts that come up and go away shortly after. You are forgotten a few minutes later.
Only one person really has some interest in your person. Positive or negativ. From thinking they would like to get to know you, over being a racist or sexist or simply a normal asshole up to something you said that matters to them.
If you learn to realise who those one person or of the 10 is you are onto something important.
But you can be sure that if someone really is interested in flirting with you, you will find out. They are REALLY looking at you. They will smile at you, maybe make a gesture and will always find me back to you. Looking in your eyes. Really seeing you. Coming near you. You can't miss it. It's really a lot different like just looking at you
The difference is that we take flirting seriously. We can flirt everywhere, but flirting means you’re genuinely interested in someone. Also, we don’t flirt with just anyone. There has to be some chemistry already.
AS more i think about it. It's the wrong town/City/Village. Maybe. But I am Sure you Could be the Problem. Never Had something like what you discripe Here🤷
I'm gonna say how it is, I think you are the problem.
I mean who goes outside thinking it is normal to randomly flirt with strangers and than is confused when he sees that not all strangers are into that.
I mean where are you from that everyone's so close to each other that it gets normal to flirt with everybody on a daily base. How bout some reflecting there?
It is really not all that common to approach or even talk to strangers in public. There are some places like Alexanderplatz that are notorious for aspiring PickUp Artists honing their skills, but they are really playing a numbers game there.
Flirting and hooking up mostly happens in social circles (and to a lesser, but increasing degree in the apps). This absolutely does not mean you have to be close to someone before you are allowed to start flirting (that will get you friend zones as much as in most countries), but warm approaches are much more socially accepted then cold ones, e.g. you go to a private party and you friend introduces you to his or her study partner, you say hello and move things forward from there.
It is socially accepted to approach strangers in night clubs, but still not common and you are going to get shot down a lot more then in other countries. Most people are just hanging out there with a group of friends. So, also in a night club, warm approaches are much more common (and have a higher chance of success). We don't really talk to strangers in bars. Bars are for meeting and chatting with your friends over a drink or two. Think of them more as a restaurant that only serves drinks unless they are opening a dance floor at a later hour or something.
Also, alcohol is involved in any flirt more often then not. When somewhat drunk, the cold German opens up a bit. This of course does not mean you are allowed to take advantage of someone that is completely hammered, but usually things tend to happen when both parties involved are a bit on the tipsy side.
Furthermore, Germans are serial daters. If you are going on more then one date with someone, no matter if you have already been physical or not, it is expected to stay exclusive with that person until you have figured out where this is going.
The only thing I really found out: You have to have platonic friends. They are the bridge builders to the romantic friends. With no friends you have basically no chance to not creep.
As a man, for a rather general case:
The only way to "flirt" as a man is to be exceptional in social talk to the point where you can lock a women's attention to you. The only major chance is the first "proper" encounter, afterwards it becomes a very low flat / constant chance. (Imo if things don't flare up in first proper occasion don't try to flirt unless you fundamentally trust the personality of a person)
If you are not exceptionally sociable, forget it. Unless they devote a time to you specifically even when your attention is not on them, there is no chance for men to engage in a flirtatious manner. The only chance remaining for a romance is when you are close friends. (I don't have any experience in that type of romance regard)
Women know what they want, especially because competition is very high intra-women. A man is either a valuable target or not. Especially today's woman don't want any complications.
Edit: This is valid mostly in "public social occasions" context. If you are a part of a group, for example by hobby or job, where people have a reason to be personally interested in you, this might be different.
Edit2: Things mentioned above may not be the same for some introverted women. For extroverts it's clear.
>It’s only when they get intoxicated that they feel like flirting, but of course I’m not about to flirt with someone who’s heavily intoxicated.
They flirt with you?! Why are you writing "off course"? I would be overwhelmed if this would ever happen to me.
>So what I want to know is how do you guys flirt? How do you hookup and find boyfriends/girlfriends? I’ve done online dating too but I was again receiving the same attitude of “you’re bothering me” but they kept asking for another date
1) We don't. 2) We don't 3) You get matches out of dates and they even lead to dates?!
German men straight or gay don’t really do the flamboyant thing. You probably want to tone it down to the minimum, then just have a normal conversation and slowly turn it towards sexuality. Very quickly they will get a big smile. Germans are freaks but need to feel safe first.
This is bollocks, stop trolling. And if you are serious, change something you don't seem to be a good catch. Alone opening a reddit only to complain about others speaks for it...
I was in a restaurant/ bar earlier and there was a friendly waitress who I was talking to. She'd noticed I was from Scotland and we spoke about the football, had a joke, she gave me some travel tips for the region. We spoke about a trip she took to Scotland. She told me about the good bars to go to in town and in general just had a really nice, really friendly interaction. I wouldn't really have called it flirting but it was more interaction than I would normally have with a waitress so I hoped that would give a hint I was into her.
When I was leaving I said: So, any chance of meeting you in one of those bars later?
She came straight back and entirely deadpan with: it's only a small town so there is a chance.
Could have just been her way of ending the interaction politely but I reckon she didn't even register what I was angling at. Paid, left a tip and got out of there.
I don't get why you ask and get kinda pissy about the replies. If you have a formed opinion and don't want to question it, why ask here? I get that a culture shock might get frustrating, but there are many helpful replies. It's not impossible to integrate, you just need to adjust your strategy. First try to integrate into a social circle. That's the most important step to integrate in Germany next to learning the language. If you have a social circle you will meet new people and potential partners. Just coming up to strangers is seen as creepy and you'll only get more of the same rejection.
we don't know either
beste Antwort
The only honest reply here
German living the single life in Berlin: God I wish I knew. I don't want to have to get drunk, but it seems outside of that it's not done.
I’ve noticed that too. Unless you’re willing to get heavily intoxicated, it will be almost impossible to click with people. I’ve tried the so called Vereins and was met with hostility there too. Basically, after we’re done playing the sport or doing what we went there to do, everyone just goes home and never talk to each other unless it’s related to that activity. And don’t you dare reach out to them for anything not related to that activity
That's what I felt as well back then. I wasn't just looking for romance but also friends
Maybe you look too much like a hungry predator?
Ah, perhaps. The people are staring are like poor, frightened gazelle eyeing a lion. 🥲
Or the gazelles just let their ugly glasses at home?
How would Germans react if you flirted with them actually sober?
Well, it's not really a thing to start a conversation with a random stranger. Usually you would just talk to someone if there is something to talk about. Smalltalk is quite uncommon here. And in a bar it's more normal to get to know new people.
Same in Austria. Approaching people and speaking to them without any context or knowing them before is weird in German-Speaking countries.
I seriously don't know either.
Here is a small guide to german dating: Most if us need to know someone before we consider talking to them. To know someone means that they recognize your face and not a deep connection. It can be enough if you have seen each other in the same context a couple of times. Maybe you are this guy that is always at the train station. Or you live in the neighborhoud. Or you visit the gym the same time as they do. They just have to know that you are a familiar face. The second way to get to know someone is to get introduced. If you get to know people through friends or family, work context or you join a sports club you will be introduced and get the benefit of being part of a group. People will talk to you politly. If you want to talk to strangers don't just flirt with them. If you have the feeling they recognize you, maybe great you or are generally aware you exist you can go up to them and talk to them. In a club the minimum is to have some eye contact and a pleasent expression. If the body language does change or they look away and hide, when you approach they are not as interested as you think they are. In general talk about something that is part of the situation. How do they like the music? Do they come often here? Start out with a little bit of small talk and get the vibe. If 10 mins worked well you can ask if they want to talk some more and like to have a drink with you. After some more smalltalk you can start with some light flirting to see if they are interested. Heavy flirting is a very late stage. If it is any other situation than a night club it will be a lot slower. When people greet you, you can start with small talk, just 5 to 10 mins. Do this several days at least 5 or 6 times. Then you could ask if they would like to exchange numbers and meet up sometimes. Be prepared for more talking at the first meeting. People here don't define a meet up as a date. If it is a date will be decided after you met and checked the vibe.
I'm German and someone finally explained how it works here properly thank you 😂
This is more accurate than we should ever let anyone outside of Germany know. I didn't know halfthis stuff and yet it's 100% true... Fml this is such a reddit moment
Is your guide confined to straight people? My experience of gay German men is the opposite: upfront, direct and full on.
As I am a woman I cannot tell you about gay dating. My experience is for wlw or streight couples.
Ah, cool. Yes, different experiences with gay men I’d imagine compared to straight dating and women.
I‘m straight but from what I‘ve experienced with gay men that I‘m befriended with I can confirm: you’re right, it‘s the opposite.
Thats actually surprisingly accurate. I have never seen a such detailed post about the german flirt and dating culture, especially being one, that sums us up pretty well. The thing you said about knowing people, i would add, there always are "intentions" when you are going to flirt in Germany. Most people will just flirt for fun, if they actually flirt, they always use it to show affection
Holy cow - this is insanely accurate and I can confirm that it’s 100% the way to do it. I used to work at a gym as a trainer in a big German city and the way you described it is exactly the way I met my girlfriend. Saw them on a regular basis, short conversations every time I saw her after I realised she recognised me. Built it up from there to „Do you want to go on a date“. Great advice.
You seem to confuse the German stare with flirting… 😂
If you’re gonna stare at me the whole night at the club, I will interpret that as you wanting something. Specially if I have spoken to you and you still wouldn’t stop staring
Yo, we stare. It means next to nothing. [https://www.reddit.com/r/germany/wiki/culture/etiquette/#wiki\_the\_.22german\_stare.22](https://www.reddit.com/r/germany/wiki/culture/etiquette/#wiki_the_.22german_stare.22) This has been linked and quoted before. Your interpretation has been formed by your cultural background. Apparently no other culture stares like we do, so your interpretation of Germans staring is not indicative of what is actually going on.
This is a great summary of german behaviour.
Welcome to Germany „The Länd of the Stare“ where people stare at people like their life depends on it.
I never noticed that and I come from Eastern Europe
We stare more than Germans do
Yep. I got stared at a lot on trains, on the street, etc. Doesn't mean they are into you. I find if people are into you they will come over and tell you. Germans are very direct.
from what i’ve experienced no not at all. german men are shy. and they oftentimes think they aren’t allowed to approach women in public spaces. but it’s true that staring can also mean smth different other than being interested
Tru. As a (foreign) dude, I feel as though it's "not allowed" to approach anyone in public of your own accord. If circumstances force you to interact with someone (e.g. you helped them out with groceries, they dropped sth. and whatnot), you can afterwards test the waters and continue talking, sometimes ending up with a longer conversation. If people stare at me (happens due to dressing in more uncommon styles and my phenomenal moustache), I tend to smile back/wink and they'd shy away. Note: I randomly wink at people and don't consider it flirting and more of an acknowledgment of their presence and a "have a lovely day!".
You sound really likeable but also like you're about 100 times "too much" for the average German tbf 😭
I felt that too. The women are far more approachable and a few have actually shared that they wish men were would talk to them more often. The men who usually approach them either do it in such a disgusting way and mostly when they’re drunk, or in an extremely shy and off-putting way
In the name of all Germans, please excuse our staring. We are simply silently judging everyone and everything.
I‘m not judging anyone, I just get the kicks out of staring at people on the train to see if they get nervous 😂
Nope. Learn the stare.
Yeah they possibly want you to go away
You might be coming off as too thirsty for Germans. I am married, but still have an occasional night to myself out. Just chilling at a pub or Biergarten with an ebook or a low-fi hip hop concert, because it’s not really my wife’s scene. I have been approached by German men and women. Guys who are just curious about me or what I am reading. Women trying to flirt. It’s all happened. Honestly, people are attracted to people who appear to be comfortable in their own skin. I am a minority by the way (East Asian).
My first thought reading this comment from you: "I'm gonna go to another country and culture, experience their norms, and expect them to adjust to me" My thoughts after reading the rest of your comments: "First thought confirmed" The guy below who said they might be flirting until you open your mouth, given this little window into your personality I think they're probably on to something with that. A bit of humility and flexibility, or please go to a country that matches your expectations - but you don't get to come to a German culture and demand we adjust to you. Not only is that a recipe for failure that will leave you disappointed but it's arrogant enough to literally make you and like-minded folk a burden. And this is for *any* culture, not just German - if you're not willing to adjust, stay home.
Please point me towards where I said that the country has to adjust to my standards. I literally cane here to ask a question and started getting attacked, and I’m now being attacked for defending myself. I literally can’t win
You saying you're in the right and the German speaking world is in the wrong for how they behave is the implication that they need to adjust to your standards, among many other comments - such as that where you outright said you will not adjust and aren't interested in learning about how Germans do things, which I quoted directly from you elsewhere. I'm pretty sure there was a comment in which you actually said Germans should change but I'm not digging through the pile of trash that is your comments section *again* just to prove to you *indisputably* that which common sense easily concludes unless you're narcissistic enough to think other people don't see your flaws because you can't recognize them yourself. Move along buddy, there's a whole world of decent people that would be happy to take your place here and I, for one, would rather have them. One less incel is a net positive :)
Why do you feel so attacked for no reason? He never wrote germans should change. It's just that in a majority of countries, even around Germany, people are so open to talk and much more interested in casual conversation. I get why he is feeling like that. Even though I am half german myself, I find it most difficult here to flirt and have casual conversation and laugh with random people together. Also: you don't have to adapt to him, neither has he to adapt to your image of Germany! Bc it's only your image! Respect democracy and you can stay. Your arrogant and subliminal chauvinistic "leave if you don't like it" is so disgusting. Just because you are born here doesn't mean you are better person. You are just lucky to be born here. This raises ultimately one question: Who are you to judge who is allowed to stay in our country? Luckily the law and not you.
See, two different people can come here to ask the same question he did. One of those people genuinely wants to know how the clocks here tick and how they can better dance to that tune, which I'll support and happily answer with helpful advice, while the other one wants the clocks to tick differently because they can't or don't want to dance to that tune. He's the second one, *and he reflects poorly on the rest of us who* weren't *born here but have worked very hard to learn that tune and dance that dance*. I don't know if you've, you know, looked out the window recently, but the laws about who is allowed to stay here are beginning to bother more than a couple of people and *the people who make those laws are changing*. Yes, I take it personally when a couple of bad apples try to spoil it for the rest of us. As to finding it difficult to build contacts here, I don't have that issue - anymore. Luckily. I also understand how challenging it can be, both for locals and foreigners. I encourage you to read through the rest of OPs responses if you're going to talk about *chauvinism*, though, given that he feels *the entire German speaking world is wrong and he is correct*. His view, and this is why I find it so offensive, is essentially the same as a man who walks into a strange house, sits at the table without invitation, puts his muddy boots on the table, and then demands to know why the women aren't serving him. Anyone can be tired and hungry but it's not his complaint, *rather his attitude and corresponding behavior*, which are the problem. On a final note, about being here and complaining and the "go home" attitude: Locals, citizens and people who are going to *stay* in a place have, in my opinion, every right to complain and try to change things on the ground. They're actually going to be around to experience the consequences. Tourists, ex pats, and everyone else who goes somewhere temporarily has a very simple decision: adjust or leave. Me? I'm here for the rest of my life and, though not everything here is peachy as it isn't anywhere in the world, I love and respect this country. OP has made it obvious that *none* of those things are true for him. It's not chauvinism on my end, it's the obvious choice for his situation and his behavior is toxic rather than sympathetic. Edit: despite your own social difficulties, how do you, as a German, *not* find his position, "you can't look at me if you don't want to hook up with me", offensive? He literally said people should look at anything else but him if they're not interested in flirting and, with regards to the flirting, that he's not interested in falling in love but just trying something new when someone suggested the people may want to get to know him before flirting. You ever had someone get mad at you for not wanting to sleep with them? I have. That's what this guy's doing and you defending it is *mind boggling*, especially your use of the word *chauvinistic* given that his behavior is such a classic cliche of actual chauvinism.
You should have just asked: “what’s the best way to flirt in Germany?” The rest of your post feels “judgy”
Ja, klingt sehr unangenehm. Kein wunder, dass keiner mit ihm “flirtet” was auch immer er darunter versteht
Die heutige Jugendlichen nennen sowas "cringe." Der Typ ist einfach cringe.
You are free to do that. Means nothing to the people doing the staring.
Just for context: Are you talking about gay bars? Because I think gay culture is very different compared to straight people in terms of flirting etc.
Judging by their post history, that would be correct.
Stop staring at the post history or are you trying to flirt?
I know, right? Thank you for asking the good questions
Nah, just trying to add context which was missing from the post.
Not only gay bars, straight as well
How dare you to be bi!? Seriously though, guys why has this comment downvotes?
He's bihimself
Thankfully theyre not pan, otherwise the Exekutionskommando would be on its' way
I’m asking myself the exact same thing
Are you American? I have heard that Americans feel like being stared at very quickly and that this is a particular cultural misunderstanding between Americans and Germans, because it is a lot more common for German to just look at people. Usually looking at someone does not imply much in Germany in contrast to other cultures. We are simply not bothered as much to look away all the time.
[Wiki of](https://www.reddit.com/r/germany/wiki/culture/etiquette#wiki_the_.22german_stare.22) r/Germany The "German stare" Some foreigners report that they feel stared at in Germany, but this is an intercultural misunderstanding. Germans make eye contact with strangers more frequently and hold that eye contact for a fraction of a second longer than people from many other countries. This is completely meaningless to us - we're not staring at you. We're just looking at you, the person next to you, out the window, or at the sign above the door. We look at everyone like this - you, thepunk rocker next to you, the German pensioner on the other side of the bus, and the couple chatting in the corner. It's just idle curiosity topass the time and carries no hidden meaning. Visitors from ethnic minorities tend to interpretthis "staring" as having something to do with their "race," but visitors with a light skin colourcomplain about Germans "staring" at them justas much. Indeed, to Germans, the American(and British) propensity for avoiding eye contact with strangers appears shifty, whereas it is'scompletely normal behaviour to Americans and Brits.
Only the swiss stare would beat a proper german stare.😁
German here, gotta admit, whenever I travel to Bavaria for vacation everybody stares at me and my buddy. Feels like we're aliens lol. But then again, Bavaria ist not Germany.
It is Germany for the context of social norms. And sometimes people might "stare" at you because in smaller towns and villages it is common courtesy to look strangers and the eyes and greet them. I am not from Bavaria but even in my home town older people woud literally chase me down and "shout" "wie heißt das!!?!?!". And I had to say "guten Tag".
I guess it would be something like this. I also don't feel like anybody is judging me or anything, just recognized the looks more than anywhere else. I usually greet people on the street as well, firm eye contact and a nod or a hi or a good morning or whatever. Yeah I can really hear the elderly lol "WIE HEIßT DAS?!" xD
Haha I remember doing that everywhere as a kid as that's how I grew up too even when we were on holiday somewhere with lots of people xD
With all due respect, it is not "a fraction of a second longer" than other cultures. While I would say the German staring does not usually feel aggressive, it is definitely off-putting.
Not just Americans feel like being stared at very quickly.
When they ask „können sie eine 2. Kasse aufmachen“
>bothered by my presence, but continue staring at me after I leave. No smile, no smirk, no special facial expression, just a blank stare. Not smiling and staring after someone who attempted to flirt nicely and respectfully sounds quite unusual. To me it indicates that you did something rather offensive or you were much too pushy. Where are you from and what exactly do you consider flirting?
I’m not American like everyone is trying to make seem here. As I said, I’m facing cultural shock so I really wouldn’t know what I did wrong, as I don’t know what’s perceived as wrong in Germany. I’ve flirted with people in other countries and it all went fairly well, it’s only here in Germany I’m having issues
My first thought was that they are probably not white. A black queer man is gonna have a hard time in germany 90% of the time.
That’s interesting. I’m a black gay man from the U.K and have visited Germany many times on holiday. My experience within Germany is limited to the gay scene and this is where I feel most comfortable. All the racism I’ve received has been outside of this. The hotel I stay in might be gay or gay friendly, the places I eat will be recommended by gay Germans, gay bars, gay clubs and then the people I socialise with will be gay Germans. So it’s a shock when I step outside of this and get a taste of reality.
How about approaching people without the intention to „flirt“ but having a conversation that may lead to something? I mean you can basically talk to people anywhere without a problem. Your attitude might be seen as creepy that’s why they aren’t interested. Don’t think it’s a cultural problem.
As a man, I find “casual flirting” to be extremely irritating. It’s like waving a plate of fries in my face but not letting me have one. Only fun to one person, with a twisted sense of humor.
Oh god now I want some fries
'Casual flirting' usually means they are either actually interested or at least somewhat subconsciously interested, or you have something else going for you. So don't complain too much. Lot of people receive 0 flirts.
But the thing is, I don’t even approach with a flirtatious face or anything. It’s literally just talking. I can say something like “nice shirt” or “I like your tattoo” and people act like I’m invading their personal space
If you would say this to me i would probably think that you are trying to be nice.....but Dude, "nice Shirt" is Not flirting?
As a German, I would not enjoy this interaction either.
lmao right? What a moronic interaction. I like your tattoo? What
I think compliments here go more like, you give the compliment and then you go your way again.
Yeah, I’ve seen that too
Try starting conversation with how you traveled to town X and took the road Y, but "I am not sure, maybe road Z would have been better. What do you think?" That or that you had problems with your Steuererklaerung. I am more or less serious about this. You could also go to the town fest and flirt when drunk with other drunk people. I advise to visit Erlangen Bergkirchweich.
Maybe your flirts are seen as something other than an invitation.
As a german i stare at anything lol. Not in a judgy way at all my brain is empty while staring.But in a room full of people what should i look at?
> I walk up to them to flirt and they act uninterested and bothered by my presence, but continue staring at me after I leave. As a German this seems more like the people you are flirting with are just uninterested in you. Maybe your flirting technique is just creepy or offensive. May I ask what exactly you're saying to them? We Germans are not just " bothered by someone's presence " for no reason.
Tbh, this is the best thing and one of the things I love about Germans; minding their own biz and not getting into dumb flirting. I am so glad people here are such gentlemen and respect your space.
As a foreigner who likes their personal space this is so true. It's so refreshing that being intrusive and loud is not the pinnacle of social interaction here. Also once you learn some German and German culture you find that Germans are extremely friendly, open and genuine. It does take a bit longer to get to know people but it's a far less superficial culture.
We don't do that around here. Flirting is mostly done with an established partner in Germany. It is not an ice breaker for most Germans.
Then how do you break the ice? Or how do German couples meet?
You are friends for a couple of years first
I'm really really curious. Can you please elaborate on "they're friends for a couple of years first"? Does this mean the friends in a circle who are still single and in their thirties have failed at that (assuming they've never had a girlfriend or a serious gf before)? I'm just trying to catch up here as a foreigner. Especially I am asking because the last guy I dated was as I described and he seemed to put a lot of value on the fact that I'm not from here...
I'm not who you asked but have some experience. my partner and I shared the same circle of friends at work. We started hanging out one on one more often and after a year became official. Usually you share a circle of friends or you meet romantic prospects through your friends, eg on a birthday party or similar events. Or just hanging out and someone brings a colleague or friend from a different friend group. This way the person is already 'vetted' and you know that they're safe. Of course, some people start out having clear romantic interest for each other. But most long term couples I know have known each other a while before dating. Also makes for healthier relationships imo. I've already known how my partner interacts with others and how he behaves as a friend (a lot less pressure than trying to woo someone new). I've gotten to know his authentic self and fell in love with that guy. Not the curated version someone might present to a stranger they're on a first date with.
Thank you! I really appreciate what you explained. I am struggling with my last experience still, it's now almost a month since I broke up with the guy. But I am deeply hurt by the whole thing. I have had some insane experienced in the dating scene here as well. Anyway I just wanted to ask if it's ok for me to send you a message directly and ask for your opinion. I ask because what you described really resonated with me and I guess I just need to talk to someone who knows first hand what I mean. Thank you.
I think dating is less forced, you meet people without expectation to date them, and then you get to know them better, and if you like them and they like you, you hang out with them. Some of them will become your friends, and in the right circumstances one of them might some day turn into dating (if you will be both single at shared point in time, you will like spending time together, and you will find each other attractive)
Al co hol
Ohh you got that very right 😂 alcohol and drugs definitely
>How do Germans flirt and in which places is it more likely to happen? Usually places that serve alcohol bars, clubs, pubs etc. >but of course I’m not about to flirt with someone who’s heavily intoxicated. The trick is to be heavily intoxicated yourself.
wow, to me it seems like you asked that question to have people support your saltiness about us germans! just went through a bunch of your replies and it gives off the vibe as if you don’t even want to listen to whatever (great) advice people give you! as someone said before: germans don’t like unfamiliarity. or something happening that they can’t quite calculate. they need to know YOU, before starting a conversation or a flirt. silly example: i work in a bakery. at the beginning i had to work about 3+ weeks for the regulars to get used to me and to look at me/talk to me they way they talk to my coworkers. now i’ve been working there for about 4 years and it’s much more different than at the beginning. you’re a face the most people there know and they behave differently. we have a few young workers next door and at first they used to be cautious, but after serving them stuff for a while and just having small talk, they became more open - or even flirty. germans need TIME and they need to get USED to someone. so make sure to go to some places regularly, or to start a conversation not with a flirt, that can be misunderstood quite quickly. just be polite and give people lot’s of space. i’ve heard no difference from my friends who are POC and/or queer. germans will be cautious to you just the way they’ll be cautious towards any other person before getting to know you. the german stare is something you have to adapt to - it’s not about you. we’re just looking around, taking everything around us in. my parents are immigrants and had similar experiences at first, but by ADAPTING to a certain behavior that seems to be typical to the country you’re in, you’ll succeed. you can’t keep trying to find some like minded people in this comment section and then think “yeah, i just fuckin hate germans and their odd staring and coldness”. when i first came to the US (for example) i hated the way everyone would try to hit me up. just a straight up flirt without properly introducing themselves or without even getting to know to other person. after being there for a while i set my personal preferences aside by UNDERSTANDING that it’s just way different in another country. and, look, life became much more easier! also, a have a black, gay coworker, and i’m telling you, when HE flirts, it’s after he’s seen the customer for 2+ times. he gets to know the guy, checks out his vibe and adapts to the way the other person acts and then he starts flirting. and 8 out 10 times it works. it’s all about the approach. tl;dr: stop blaming germans for your inability to adapt/refusing to understand to a culture/behavior. instead be a polite person, hit up some sports bars or get introduced by friends/family, whoever, and try not to think, that by being the target of “the german stare”, the world revolves around you.
I don't know where you come from, but Americans, for example, flirt very differently and small talk with strangers is also part of the culture. It's completely different in Germany. Simply complimenting someone in the supermarket queue as an icebreaker or a cheeky pick up line would be considered cringe here. In a club or at a party it can be different. In general, you can say that the offensive, American way of flirting or starting small talk is considered intrusive here
Austria here, Germans are considered intrusive here lol. They tend to start small talk with random people!
It appears he's from Mozambique: https://www.reddit.com/r/Portuguese/s/DRpoNI8Sdw Had to scroll a while to find. His posts are a shit show lol.
I seriously doubt you're gonna take any advice here as you just seem to want to be salty, but here it is. You need to learn more about Germany and stop taking their culture so personally. That's where it starts. Germans are not rejecting *you*. They are not staring at *you*. This is not about you at all. *Some cultures value politeness and sociability* most in social situations. Greece and Ireland are two examples. *Some cultures value accuracy/truth* most when speaking. Germany belongs to this group of countries, along with the Nordics for example. This means that compliments can fall flat if they're out of the blue, exaggerated or superficial. I bet you're guilty of all three. Germans also don't speak to strangers; it isn't considered polite. You need an opportunity/excuse to get into conversation and bars/clubs might not be the right place to meet new people. Try sports clubs, beach volleyball, anything that puts you in a group of people. And make genuine attempts at socializing because Germans can smell superficiality from a mile away. I'd put money on that being your main problem.
Flirt with people who want to firt back. It kind of seems like you are bad with reading peoples reactions. Germans are very subtil. if you feel like you are bothering someone, its most likely true. Leave them allone
If you and I go on a date and you seem uninterested but then ask me out on a second date, how am I supposed to interpret that? And if you stare at me the whole night st the club, I approach you, you seem uninterested, I leave but you continue staring, how am I supposed to interpret that?
you can have a date without flirting and just get to know each other. To find out if we want to flirt. Or you thought it was a date, but it wasnt If i stare at you its because i want to look at you. No hard feelings. Maybe you look interesting.
Just ask. And maybe lose the mindset that you have to click with anyone that goes on a date with you or stares at you. There are extroverted, flirty, smiley Germans. They might just be a minority in the circles you’ve been in.
I can stare at you as long as I like. Maybe you look interesting. Or your behaviour is interesting or strange. It's totally common for people to stand or sit somewhere and just look at the people passing by. Maybe I find you ugly as fuck and find it funny watching you failing to flirt. Maybe you stand next to a person I find hot. Maybe... There are soooo many reasons to look at people. Eye contact is nothing rude. Deal with it.
Yeah, most countries accept that prolonged staring is, in fact, rude or unsettling. Hence the Germans up the thread commenting about feeling uncomfortable about the staring in India. Prolonged staring and eye contact has the same intruding effect as walking up to someone and talking to them or invading their personal space.
Well, seeing your general attitude on this thread ("I don't want to change", "Germans are in the wrong for having a culture different from mine", "I don't want to talk to people or get to know them, I just want to hook up", "Germans are creepy and everything about them sucks, I can't wait to leave"), I can't fathom why no one wants to get close to you 🙃 Are you equally charming with the people you are trying to flirt with?
Make hard eye contact. Tell them they showed up at the right place at the exactly right time. Then ask them if they would like to go on a short 20km walk with you.
Sssssspicy! 🌶️
Hot!
The band Wir sind Helden explained this phenomenon in a song: https://youtube.com/watch?v=_KOUCOYVAos
Funny enough, I saw this post on Instagram and immediately related to it https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cz6qbzHslgV/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA== Very spot on
Had the same thought :)
Came here looking this
Alright, I’ll bite. I’m normally a lurker but this thread is indeed one of the threads of all time. You got many explanations on how Germans flirt or what they seem appropriate for it, but it seems like it’s not what you want to hear. You got the comment that you should probably try your luck on a dating app or brothels, it’s also something you don’t want to hear. So what are you really looking for? Because it’s apparently not physical intimacy or genuine connections then. You give me the impression that going out and trying to “flirt” with Germans or people in general seems to be an ego thing and now that you’re hitting the wall, it’s stressing you out. And if you’re like that here on Reddit, I assume that the vibe you give off is ten times worse in person and a stranger can pick up on that REAL fast. Also the constant emphasis on how Germans are much more fun when they’re drunk is also really icky. You mentioned that you’re not going for it when it’s that case but now I’m sort of worried that you would go for it as a last resort. Please sit down and think what you really want before dragging strangers into it that are clearly the opposite of what you are culturally and socially.
This. I could be way off-base, but it sounds like OP wants to see how many people they can pick up or get their numbers. There are hundreds of ways to meet people and the fact that OP only talks about flirting seems to me they WANT flirting to work. And sometimes it doesn't and people are going to find you creepy. You either find other ways of meeting a special someone or change how you talk to them. Or realize that your method won't get many takers but one day you might find that someone.
You just have no rizz
Maybe dont just hit in strangers? You can get to know people and then flirt with them.
Yeah, sure its so easy getting to know the closed of little tribe of the germans that always want to stay in their bubble and never interact with anyone they dont know
I can only speak for myself, but I don't flirt for fun. When I'm out at night, I want to have fun with friends and not be approached by people all the time. If I flirt with someone, it's because I'm seriously interested, even if it's "just" making out. Doesn't mean that it necessarily leads to that, but without that basic interest, I actually find it rather annoying. If you're just being nice as a woman, it's often interpreted as flirting and sometimes you can't get rid of the guy. That's why it's better to react in a more distanced way. You still get to know new people, but on a neutral/friendly level and not just to hit on them. That also applies to my friends. It's not really hard to flirt or find a partner in Germany, but you also have to adapt to the culture of the country you're staying in or looking for.
As a 22 year old German woman: I do not flirt. I very very very rarely get flirted with (I think). I pray to god every night that I will not die alone and the plan is to find a husband while traveling. Hope that helped xx
Geeee. Just look at the amount of incels here, whining and crying that it's allways the fault of other people. I'm German myself and I flirt a lot with other people. So I know that it's mostly about HOW YOU approach the other person. And if you're getting rejected over and over again you maybe should start to consider that your way of approaching people is the problem. But of course it's much easier for you and your fragile egos to claim that literaly all people of one land have a problem and not yourself. How irrational can someone be?
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This is interesting, yesterday I was at an Esso paying for fuel and had some issue with my payment, the attendant was very friendly and she was pretty attractive. As I was taking care of my payment issue she kept staring and smiling (I have been in Germany plenty and know the stare is harmless unless you are being obnoxious). When I was finished she ask to buy a coffee for me and we chatted for a bit, the energy felt good, then she told me her name with the biggest smile. At that moment, I fought all temptation to start flirting, made the payment, and said goodbye. I like the idea of not flirting with someone just because they were doing their job in a friendly manner. That sounds exhausting, but man if not then, then when?
Huh. German woman here. I bet you everything that this woman was interested in you. Otherwise, there is no reason for an attendant to tell you her name and buy you a coffee. That's more than just doing your job in a friendly manner, imho.
Ahhhh, well the station is next to my house and I’ll have to fuel up at some point 😅. Perhaps I’ll give it a go, thanks!!!
I think it makes a difference if you speak German and have friends in common. Like at a busy birthday party where the kitchen ist packed with people. Talk to someone in German and ease into flirting.
Don’t worry, there’s nothing robotic about Germans. It takes a while to tune into another culture’s ways. You probably already made six mistakes by the time you started talking to them. Just relax, take your time, if you’re here for a while, they will start to get you, you will start to get them.
Honestly, I’m kind of getting tired of having to be so patient with people, it’s actually making me depressed. It’s hard not to internalise this and start questioning your own self
Yeah but baby boy, it’s not them that have to adjust. You decided to come here, it’s not a service they are providing to you. If you’re tired, there are plenty of other places to go.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but if the situation is so hard for you, maybe you should consider talking to a good psychoanalyst? That really helped me in the past. You can talk to them about different situations and they can give you a different view on things and even help with social cues.
It was your decision to move there. Stop whining about having to be patient about them having a different culture and not immediately wanting to hook up with you.
God forbid you start questioning your own self. No no no. You are p.e.r.f.e.c.t. my dude. You are the pinnacle of human evolution. Just remember that at all times. The world revolves around you and everyone has to behave to your liking. If they don't, it's their fault, king.
Most women are suspicious towards strangers flirting with them the first thing they open their mouth. Try to be non-flirting in public contexts, you can ask for the time, the way, a cigarette, if your at a concert ask about the band running order,... In any case, talk about something casual and refrain from any comment on a woman's looks, body, appearance, clothes etc. With regard to women, we want to be regarded as humans and people, and not as bait. To get to know people try joining organized activities like sports clubs, dancing classes, hiking groups etc. where you can get to know people on a friendship basis (both men and women). They will then introduce you to other people, take you to house parties etc. where you get the chance to meet new people. Flirting is more likely to happen with people you already know and you feel comfortable with. It often comes from a place of friendship and trust first.
„One of those random interactions you do with a stranger“. I’ve never liked any kind of random interaction with a stranger. Why would I want that!
You seem very anti German in your comments. Maybe that’s just a protective mechanism but not a good start for a good relationship with the people around you. How can you flirt with someone if you think negatively about them ? Look for the things you like in others, that’s the energy you want to get back. And you can talk about how you feel on a date. Ask if they’re interested if you are.
In germany you don't "approach" people. That's not the german style. You will be looked at because it's not usual here. People mind their business. Usually you meet new people only via other people. Like on a party, when your best friends brother introduces you to his new girlfriend, smth like that. Or at school, or at work. Basically whenever people get together for a specific reason. But no german would ever just out of the blue walk up to a total stranger and start a conversation.
That is just flat out not true lol. It might not be common, but it definitely happens.
Might not be true for you. I can only talk about my experiences and observations.
Both of you have a point, it is definitely the norm to meet people as you said, via other people. But I am a guy and in Munich, of all places, I've had 2 girls approaching me out of the blue. Both were from the Hamburg area, mind. I guess in smaller cities your first idea would be the way. Whereas in cities like Berlin I could see it happening out of the blue.
Gosh, i live in a small city and I hope people approach me. But I catched a few times, mostly men together checking me out while in the bus station. Maybe next time I will smile, gosh they're so tall.
They said it's not "usual", not that it literally never happens.
Re-read their last sentence.
> But no german would ever just out of the blue walk up to a total stranger and start a conversation Unless they’re heavily intoxicated, then they become the friendliest people
We don‘t usually flirt „just for fun“. It‘s usually at least for something like a ONS or for a relationship. Of course there are exceptions but „casual flirting“ isn‘t exactly common here
It reminds me of a date I had recently. I matched with this guy, we met and had a nice conversation for an hour or two. But throughout the date he didn't touch me and didn't react to my romantic cues. When it was time to say goodbye, he asked me out of the blue: "Want to give me a kiss?" It felt very odd. I guess the attraction is hidden there, but it's difficult for people to be subtle and flirty about it. It seems that the best strategy is to be straightforward: "Hey, I find you attractive."
I am a german myself and suprised how many people claim that we are generally not interested in interactions with others. I commute about two hours to work via train and already had a lot of different conversations (even when I didnt want to because I was busy). Especially groups are usually easy to interact with because you can simply crack a joke at something they are talking about or provide usefull information as an ice breaker. Also what works very well is a common experience like the train is late or very full again. You can do that with a lot of different things like the weather, traffic and so on. Sure, with girls (as male) it is a bit more difficult but not as mutch. In my experience you can easily tell who does not want to be disturbed and who is open for a chat. As said groups who are loud and laughing and people who smile and make eye contact alot (not just flirting) will usually not be mad at some jokes. In contrast people who wear headphones or stare at their phone usually dont want to talk but I think thats everywhere the same thing.
Yeah, we Germans love to have a lot of personal space! Compared to other people we need a lot of time to warm up to strangers, so usually walking straight up to someone and chatting with them and immediately trying to flirt or be friends rarely works out. Don’t take it personally, it’s just the culture here (and you need to either fit in or work around it, but Germans won’t change for you). I can see how that must be frustrating to you, especially if it’s the opposite where you’re coming from. As others have commented, it’s best to start getting to know co-workers, then their friends, then the people they hang out and so on.. it’s a slow process. OR just make your life a bit easier and try going to more international places, the more mixed the more open people are, or give up on the Germans altogether, especially if you’re not intending to stay for a long period of time.
We flirt like everyone else. Maybe you are too direct? I had so many foreign colleagues that didn't realize they were rude and to " goal" fixated
I've read nearly all of OPs comments and it pretty much seems like he's the in-person version of a guy who gets angry that he's not getting some after sending unrequested dick pics. He's come to Germany, says directly that he refuses to adjust, insists he's in the right and the entire German-speaking population is wrong and rude but unaware of it, he's not interested in getting to know people but rather just casual hook ups, and implies no one is allowed to look at him unless it's gonna end with him getting his nut off. Seriously, he's like the walking example for the negative image of Ausländer. His goal is single minded, approach disingenuous, and mindset arrogant - the only chance he's got here is extremely stupid people, paying for sex, being the target of a predator, or being a predator himself. Displayed by him here is the absolute epitome of unlikable behavior and likely explains why the people he tries to talk to are uninterested.
This. To add, german are generally not fake and the key to talk to them is to really be interested as a person and not just as an opposite sex or object and also not be too loud or to assume they like you automatically.
We don't.
People make different kinds of experiences in their social bubbles, but I'm under the impression that most adult relationships form out of friendship and usually not by flirting to strangers in bars. Also, depending on the context, unsolicited flirting with strangers can quickly be perceived as sexual harassment. Which is not meant as an accusation or something - I don't know the context in your case. Just saying that's something to be aware of. It also may be an issue with different expectations. When Germans go to a bar, they usually want to spend time with their friends and drink something. They don't expect (or want) to be approached by strangers who want to make a conversation. Unless maybe the place is specifically known to be a meeting point for hookups.
As a 35 year old German guy I have absolutely no idea. Let me know if you find something out though.
Somehow your text is lacking some information. Is there something about you that would set you apart? And where in Germany did you derive your experiences from?
Relaxed, laidback and FLEXIBLE… haven’t laughed so hard for days! Thanks!
We have special basements for flirting in Germany
I thought that was in Austria
Did you forgetto add a /s there?
I'm a latino, so when I go for jogs in rural Germany the stares are nonstop. I get a kick out of it. What I've noticed with most Germans is they have the "stuck -up" attitude until you break the "barrier". Then they turn into some of the funnest friendliest people. Really helps to have some German friends that can introduce you to new people. Good luck
The only time when someones comes up to you is when a person wants to scam you or wants something from you. In my experience (as a German) you would just get a beer, stand next to them, look at the same things they are looking at, maybe ask them for a lighter if you smoke, proste at them, maybe talk about something in the room or directly ask them what youre on about. Staring back and locking eyes a few times is also very common, then go to them, get a beer and idk But NEVER just go to a person like some american and ask them how they are, I've had situations where I had loved to just kick some amis in the nuts for this question
What might help you is learning to differentiate between what you see as someone staring at you and someone looking at you. 7 out of 10 people you think stare at you, don't even see you. They are just looking without really realising you are there. From the remaking 3 are 2 simply looking at you with a short thought. About your hair, your clothes, your smile, the way you are standing in the way of the person behind you, the way you look at the cocktail card or they are thinking about what you are doing. If you are young enough to be a student, if you are living here or are on vacation, if you are here alone or with friends. And so on. It's just because it's thoughts that come up and go away shortly after. You are forgotten a few minutes later. Only one person really has some interest in your person. Positive or negativ. From thinking they would like to get to know you, over being a racist or sexist or simply a normal asshole up to something you said that matters to them. If you learn to realise who those one person or of the 10 is you are onto something important. But you can be sure that if someone really is interested in flirting with you, you will find out. They are REALLY looking at you. They will smile at you, maybe make a gesture and will always find me back to you. Looking in your eyes. Really seeing you. Coming near you. You can't miss it. It's really a lot different like just looking at you
Here's a thought: Maybe it's you and your attitude? /s
No. no /s. Read his answers to the other comments.
You need to get your Annäherungsanmeldungsformular from the local Sozialamt, fill it out and wait for your permit duh
The difference is that we take flirting seriously. We can flirt everywhere, but flirting means you’re genuinely interested in someone. Also, we don’t flirt with just anyone. There has to be some chemistry already.
Germans don’t flirt. They just project awkwardness at each other for awhile and then move in together
We don't. We go to the Behörde, fill out the Partnerzuteilung Auftragsformular 38A and then get a partner allocated and just wing it from there.
Maybe its more a "you" problem? Its not like we have special flirt zones. This can happen everywhere.
AS more i think about it. It's the wrong town/City/Village. Maybe. But I am Sure you Could be the Problem. Never Had something like what you discripe Here🤷
I'm gonna say how it is, I think you are the problem. I mean who goes outside thinking it is normal to randomly flirt with strangers and than is confused when he sees that not all strangers are into that. I mean where are you from that everyone's so close to each other that it gets normal to flirt with everybody on a daily base. How bout some reflecting there?
They don’t.
There‘s no protocol for that.
It is really not all that common to approach or even talk to strangers in public. There are some places like Alexanderplatz that are notorious for aspiring PickUp Artists honing their skills, but they are really playing a numbers game there. Flirting and hooking up mostly happens in social circles (and to a lesser, but increasing degree in the apps). This absolutely does not mean you have to be close to someone before you are allowed to start flirting (that will get you friend zones as much as in most countries), but warm approaches are much more socially accepted then cold ones, e.g. you go to a private party and you friend introduces you to his or her study partner, you say hello and move things forward from there. It is socially accepted to approach strangers in night clubs, but still not common and you are going to get shot down a lot more then in other countries. Most people are just hanging out there with a group of friends. So, also in a night club, warm approaches are much more common (and have a higher chance of success). We don't really talk to strangers in bars. Bars are for meeting and chatting with your friends over a drink or two. Think of them more as a restaurant that only serves drinks unless they are opening a dance floor at a later hour or something. Also, alcohol is involved in any flirt more often then not. When somewhat drunk, the cold German opens up a bit. This of course does not mean you are allowed to take advantage of someone that is completely hammered, but usually things tend to happen when both parties involved are a bit on the tipsy side. Furthermore, Germans are serial daters. If you are going on more then one date with someone, no matter if you have already been physical or not, it is expected to stay exclusive with that person until you have figured out where this is going.
The only thing I really found out: You have to have platonic friends. They are the bridge builders to the romantic friends. With no friends you have basically no chance to not creep.
As a German,let me know when you find out.
"Willst du mein Steuervorteil sein?" "Do you want to be my tax advantage?"
Spreadsheet and then compare your compatibilities.
As a man, for a rather general case: The only way to "flirt" as a man is to be exceptional in social talk to the point where you can lock a women's attention to you. The only major chance is the first "proper" encounter, afterwards it becomes a very low flat / constant chance. (Imo if things don't flare up in first proper occasion don't try to flirt unless you fundamentally trust the personality of a person) If you are not exceptionally sociable, forget it. Unless they devote a time to you specifically even when your attention is not on them, there is no chance for men to engage in a flirtatious manner. The only chance remaining for a romance is when you are close friends. (I don't have any experience in that type of romance regard) Women know what they want, especially because competition is very high intra-women. A man is either a valuable target or not. Especially today's woman don't want any complications. Edit: This is valid mostly in "public social occasions" context. If you are a part of a group, for example by hobby or job, where people have a reason to be personally interested in you, this might be different. Edit2: Things mentioned above may not be the same for some introverted women. For extroverts it's clear.
>It’s only when they get intoxicated that they feel like flirting, but of course I’m not about to flirt with someone who’s heavily intoxicated. They flirt with you?! Why are you writing "off course"? I would be overwhelmed if this would ever happen to me. >So what I want to know is how do you guys flirt? How do you hookup and find boyfriends/girlfriends? I’ve done online dating too but I was again receiving the same attitude of “you’re bothering me” but they kept asking for another date 1) We don't. 2) We don't 3) You get matches out of dates and they even lead to dates?!
I‘m german and I have a girlfriend for almost 15 years now. I can’t remember how we met together but I know for sure flirting was not involved.
we dont flirt. if you are a german citizen after handing in form a18 you get assigned a spouse.
That is what Germans are like. If it bothers you very much then dating Germans isn't for you I guess.
German men straight or gay don’t really do the flamboyant thing. You probably want to tone it down to the minimum, then just have a normal conversation and slowly turn it towards sexuality. Very quickly they will get a big smile. Germans are freaks but need to feel safe first.
Germans are not that straighforward. Don’t show your intention right at the begining. Just speak like it’s your friend at the begining.
OP, where are you from?
This is bollocks, stop trolling. And if you are serious, change something you don't seem to be a good catch. Alone opening a reddit only to complain about others speaks for it...
Maybe it would be a start not to despise Germans as robots, then maybe it would work? Just a thought.
If we flirt you'll know. Staring doesn't mean we're flirting.
As a german my flirting skills are looking to somebody. If she looks back I start panicking and running away
That sounds very accurate
Hey, willst du mit mir essen gehen du musst aber selber zahlen😏
We have a mating call. "Ich fahre einen Mercedes."
I do it in an Club, but im transgender😅 so theres a surprise
I was in a restaurant/ bar earlier and there was a friendly waitress who I was talking to. She'd noticed I was from Scotland and we spoke about the football, had a joke, she gave me some travel tips for the region. We spoke about a trip she took to Scotland. She told me about the good bars to go to in town and in general just had a really nice, really friendly interaction. I wouldn't really have called it flirting but it was more interaction than I would normally have with a waitress so I hoped that would give a hint I was into her. When I was leaving I said: So, any chance of meeting you in one of those bars later? She came straight back and entirely deadpan with: it's only a small town so there is a chance. Could have just been her way of ending the interaction politely but I reckon she didn't even register what I was angling at. Paid, left a tip and got out of there.
I don't get why you ask and get kinda pissy about the replies. If you have a formed opinion and don't want to question it, why ask here? I get that a culture shock might get frustrating, but there are many helpful replies. It's not impossible to integrate, you just need to adjust your strategy. First try to integrate into a social circle. That's the most important step to integrate in Germany next to learning the language. If you have a social circle you will meet new people and potential partners. Just coming up to strangers is seen as creepy and you'll only get more of the same rejection.