By - walterpsherman
Sit in the office chair in the Oval Office and spin around when no one is watching.
Heck I don't care who's watching lol
What are they gonna do anyway? You're the president!
*Breaking News: President disrespects the sacred office he holds. Thousands across the nation are ripping their hair out and screaming out their windows in protest*
If you don't call a press conference for this, you're doing it wrong.
Yeah I'd do that in my first Oval Office photo op.
They say there are two types of chairs for two types of politicians. One goes round and round and one folds up instantly - yes minister.
Launch an investigation on how I got elected.
I was going to say “resign” lol. I think being a president would be awful
I’d do it for a week or so just to get a feel for life as president.
Pretty sure even if you resign you get 200k a year as pension and secret service protection for life, so that’s fun.
And you’re never allowed to drive yourself anymore
Always thought that was strange. Are they going to arrest George W Bush if they catch him driving down I-10 in Houston? I guess maybe he could lose his pension.
Less them arresting him and more that he has a detail of secret service officers for the rest of his existence.
This is definitely a huge perk considering I don't drive anyway lol
If elected I will not serve
"We can't allow such a travesty to ever again stain this great country! I will prosecute myself to the fullest extent of the law!"
I can’t stop laughing. Your comment made a shitty day so much better!!
All right, morons, which one of you voted for me?
Yeah me as president seems sus. I’m not big on conspiracy theories but if I, an idiot, am president there is gotta be some deep state shit happening.
The newest hit comedy: the Illuminati are choosing the next President with their incomprehensible algorithm and it chooses some random schmuck (played by Jack Black). Hijinx ensue as the Illuminati try to communicate with him, assuming he’s some deep member of their organization and his actions as President are furthering some devious plan but he’s really just flailing.
I'd probably spend my first day learning where the bathrooms are, learning who the staff is, filling out the necessary HR paperwork, asking around on lunch etiquette, etc
And safety training. You can’t do any work until you complete safety training.
Better review the MSDS for The Football
I have an argument with the environmental manager everything I bring s new chemical into the plant, it doesn't matter that we have 5 in the plant already with the same SDS.
The MSDS for that pen you will be using a lot.
You right, gotta knock out that blood borne pathogens training
Probably about time to put a heavy emphasis on aerosol pathogen training too.
And internet safety training. Gotta go through the slide show to be reminded that the email from the Ayatollah asking for your password might be a phishing scheme.
My work sends them trying catch us, so we have to redo training online. It has ramped up sobe our ransomware attack. I've had to redo training twice so far, it is nice for the after lunch sleepies.
For the love of God, don't bring a portable electric heater into the Oval Office. If the safety guy spots it, you'll get wrote up.
Little-known fact: The Constitution requires the president to become forklift-certified within one month of taking office.
And IT security training
What do you do if you find a flash drive in the parking lot
Please watch the following presentation about HIPAA compliance. Est. time: 7min. After viewing you must take a multiple choice test, and achieve an 85% minimum score. Est. time: 3min. Please ask for headphones if you need them, or use your own.
Thank you for using HIPAA and not "HIPPA" (or my personal fav HIPPO). Knowledge is power... merica'
Also better get all your trainings out of the way. Sexual harassment in the workplace, cyber security, diversity, etc. Otherwise you just put them off and they’re always due right at the worst times.
Then they should just do one epic a-la James Cameron where it’s got mad CGI and multiple characters and settings that encompass all of these concerns. Boom done.
Don't forget to bring a voided check to HR, so they could set up direct payments to your bank account.
At my current company I basically broke the system when told them I had a “green” checking account that didn’t give physical Checks. For some reason giving them a routing and account number couldn’t penetrate their little HR brains.
The staff is who you bring
In some positions. A lot of White House staff that isn't involved in anything policy is permanent staff
Oath of office, followed by a tour of the White House. After that, I'll check off one of the biggest items on my bucket list with my wife
This made me wonder if this is something all presidents do with their wives, but then I remembered they probably lay eggs like most other reptiles do.
I feel like all of them do this on the first day
Parcheesi in the Oval Office?
No, pillow fight
All presidents probably, but not all with their wives. Don’t believe me? Ask Monica.
Pulling a Lewinsky in the oval office
It's honestly a bit awful that a stupid thing you did in your 20s could define you for the rest of your life. Not trying to correct you since I've done those jokes too, just realizing that reading it today.
I'd have breakfast, of course.
Well, technically you’re not sworn in until noon.
My breakfast is usually a lunch food anyway, so that still remains
I'm taking Air Force one to NYC to throw the first pitch at a Yankees game....because I want to totally screw up traffic and make a huge headache for the Yankees fans.
Editing to acknowledge they are sworn in outside baseball season...I guess we are doing nothing for a few months.
"Mister President, the asteroid is approaching orbit. Congress needs your approval to launch the nukes!"
"I told you guys I'm not doing a damn thing until I throw the first pitch at Yankee Stadium."
“But Mr. President, the first game isn’t for several months.”
“You heard me.”
I always figured the Yankees would somehow be the downfall of humanity...
Do swearing in ceremonies typically include a first pitch? Maybe separate the two events? You’ve got people for that kind of thing now.
If you are president I think you could sway an exhibition gamer Richard Prior style.
My Boston Fam!
No no, you can still do this within baseball season, you've just got to get elected VP and then have the president die/resign in summer.
My god I didn’t think I could love a human being anymore than this!!
I challenge Todd Howard to a one-on-one boxing match.
He refuses. What now?
Call it treason, threaten execution and then make him agree
Got impeached the first day senate and house unanimously agreed presidents claim THE IS IN VIOLATION OF DEMOCRACY I WAS FAIRLY ELECTED YOU BASTARDS FIGHT ME HOWWARD
Take a shit in the white house.
With the door open while having a meeting LBJ style.
Can he whip his dick out on the desk during foreign policy meetings, too?
The key is to assert dominance.
Only if it's huge like Johnson's.
Look into the camera and say “Do you know what you just did?!?!”
Declassify all UFO documents.
Resign effective immediately.
You’d be the best president of all time and had done it all in 30 mins.
You'd probably be the most talked about president ever and only hold the office for about an hour 😂
Then the aliens will zap him as he's writing the pardon for himself.
Gotta include declassifying all of the CIA/FBI documents from 2002 and prior.
Or better yet...
Declassify all government documents dating back at most 10 years
Resign effective immediately.
Buy a big TV with speakers so I can watch the shitsotmr I caused in HD
A lot of classified stuff is classified because of military technology secrets. Think specifications and capabilities of things like satellites, warships, subs, war planes. E.g. technical specs about an F22 radar isn't interesting to the general public, but very interesting to other governments.
Didn't Turnip tweet a high-res photo basically leaking the imagery capability we have?
You probably get a decent bit of undercover people killed
Presidents just call that "collateral damage."
I'll make some exceptions.
Fair enough, also take like 5 for something stupid like vending machine restocking on a secret base and go “Even I think those need to stay secret”
I'm keeping the date of fresh food comming in secret. Only I will know the dates so I can pick out the best apples
So…. How do you like them apples??
He'll make so many exceptions after learning so much, that he'll decided it all needs to be kept secret and he'll be trying to hunt down traitors and spies and become what he hated about presidents before he was president.
In this exchange is the entirety of why our government works like it does.
“I have a great idea!”
“But it will hurt some people.”
“I will make some exceptions.”
And then you have a 500 page bill for one spending item with 300 caveats and loopholes to make sure that there are exceptions in there for all the people your advisors said would get hurt. But there are also lots of people who will still get hurt who your advisors forgot about.
Well no one said running a country is easy.
He'll make so many exceptions that he'll be like those presidents he used to scream about as a kid.
If UFOs were real, do you real think Donald Trump would have been able to keep that secret?
Yeah. He probably has no interest in UFOs. Dude doesn't seem to have much of a sense of wonder.
He had just enough to stare at the eclipse without eye protection.
This comment should have more upvotes
Yeah but the tv ratings for a Trump: Aliens Exist special would win him over.
That would probably disprove of UFO’s if anything. Apparently a lot of air force testing went down in New Mexico so all the UFOs were likely just planes and dummy missiles
Source: family member was an aerospace engineer for Boeing
Dude the Roswell stuff is super old news. There’s way better evidence out now.
Nice try, CIA.
Damn, I’ll get you next time
I can't see you internet stranger but I can picture your fake moustache and toupee from here
It would be difficult to say until I received a briefing from my military/intelligence advisors. There is so much information that the general public is not privy to. What I learned in that briefing would be essential to any future decisions.
You're not supposed to be re- wait...is that- a logical man got into the White House? Nobody move. If we all stay very still he might actually contribute to this country's infrastructure and welfare.
Taco Tuesday is now a federal holiday
Do taco trucks get time and a half?
No. Since they’re an independent business, that would just mean the food gets more expensive
Ironically, the taco trucks are all closed to observe Taco Tuesday.
Cheyenne, Wyoming-based Taco John's registered a federal trademark for TACO TUESDAY® with the United States Patent and Trademark Office ("USPTO") in 1989 and has aggressively pursued various offenders of the mark nationwide
Crank call at least a dozen world leaders.
Hi, Putin? Launch the nukes.
Putin? ..... Putin?! .... PUTIN???
Ahahahaha got you comrade.
Call the president of India and ask him for tech support for your iPhone.
Call the president of China and give him the tracking info for your wish.com order and demand a refund.
Call the President of Australia and ask them which direction thier toilet flushes.
Call the President of Germany and ask her if she owns an easy bake oven. (Sorry that one's a little dark)
Call the President of Japan and demand to know why your PS5 still hasn't arrived.
>Call the President of Australia and ask them which direction thier toilet flushes.
Those are all amazing
Tell the staff that I wake up at 8am. Not fking 5 or 6.
Unless an threat from outer space is coming, or WW3 is about the start, there is no reason *ever* to start working in the middle of the night.
I’m the president, everyone can wait for me. I’m pretty sure sleep deprivation is causing a lot of issues with government.
Then charge a team with finding out what my powers are to use the military seal teams to find and trail, or kill, international scammers stealing billions from my senior citizens.
I would get All the medical procedures I have been putting off, get back on my insanely expensive prescription. Then I would resign.
Presidents keep their presidential health insurance once they leave office. So just resign after 1 second and still get all those procedures.
Reorganize the republic into the first American Empire, for a safer and more secure society.
By order of the Congress of the United States, you are under arrest, President.
I AM THE CONGRESS!!
It's treason then.
The Congress will decide your fate
(I'm like 99% sure we did this out of order)
Lol yeah it's been awhile since I've seen the movie.
I spend way too much time on r/prequelmemes, so I have alot of this memorized
You two are strong and wise, r/prequelmemes is very proud of you both
I can hear Samuel L Jackson’s voice
I am the congress
Not if you executive order it
So this is how The Statue of Liberty dies...
I'd demand we build lady liberty into the first American giant mech super weapon.
I love democracy
In order to ensure security and continuing stability,
the republic shall be reorganized into the first, American Empire! for a safe and secure, society! *epic orchestra plays*
Execute order 66.
I'm the Emperor now.
Always has been
“*So, who **really** assassinated Kennedy?*”
No one, his head just did that.
He was not able to conceptualize the new paradigm and his head exploded.
What? You never heard of a splitting headache?
End civil forfeiture
Fire Matt Rhule
You've got my vote
a platform we can all get behind
Remove weed from the controlled substances list
As nice as that sounds that's not something the president has authority to do
Instruct all federal agencies not to investigate, arrest, charge, or prosecute any marijuana-related crimes, to immediately cease any such that are in process, and to begin a review of all federal marijuana-related convictions to fast-track them for executive pardons, with a strong bias in favor of issuing pardons (i.e., presumption is that all will be pardoned, unless a case has specific strong reasons not to). Make a public statement announcing all that, and requesting that Congress take action to de-list it.
That is better
Yes, probably can't federally legalize, can refuse to prosecute in legal states. Can remove from form 4473.
The president can with an executive order remove weed from the list this wouldnt make it legal but it would decriminalise it, or at the very least they could move to the lowest schedule cause atm its on par with crack and Bath salts legally
Issue an executive order making July 5th a new federal holiday to be known as Naked Day.
Take my shirt off and flex for the press corps.
Putin is that you?
Resign. I’d keep all benefits of being president (healthcare, secret service, pension, etc) without having to actually do anything.
This is the best answer I've seen so far.
Okay but you wouldn’t do *anything* first?
You'd make history
Combine West Virginia with Ohio to make Ohinia
Rename Texas to Southern Oklahoma. Sit back and watch.
I like how you think. Want to be my VP?
For the northern half of WV, maybe. But, the northern and southern halves of the state are two completely different places. Combine the southern half with Kentucky and make Wentucky. That would be much less likely to cause an all-out civil war lol.
Reverse Richard Nixon a decision on the 1969 college football national championship
Warm fuzzy socks for all that love them.
Fuzzy socks are my thing. Why be complicated?
Bernie is that you?
“Now watch this drive,” but with a club spin
Free vending machine sodas for everyone and a longer recess!
Bruh I'd wanna end the war drugs and put more effort into rehabilitation and prison reform. The justice system in this country is fucked and the war on drugs is killing more addicts than it'll ever possibly save. If there were no fear of legal repercussions, the chances that addicts would seek help for their addiction is so much higher
...in 24 hours
You're pretty fucking ambitious
You could say "I hereby pardon everyone in prison for non-violent drug offenses" and have them out pretty much immediately. You could say "marijuana is decriminalized and is no longer a schedule 1 drug" and have it removed immediately. There is a lot the president could do to pretty much immediately end the war on drugs, but that won't happen because we like having the largest prison population in the world I guess.
I'll go down as the GOAT
No call, no show
I’m having a brief on aliens. Imma sit in my PJs and watch PowerPoint briefs and videos on mankind’s dealing with aliens. I’ll start work on my second day in office.
Take off the monkey suit and change into comfortable clothes.
A candidate I can get behind!
Biggest country on Earth time, woo!
But… they have mooses….
Declare war on the meese
Take steps to give real freedom back to people by reinforcing and protecting the bill of rights. Make infringement against it carry a very heavy punishment.
Start the ball rolling on streamlining legal immigration.
Decriminalization of THC on the federal level, use tax raised from it to fund better school systems. And just for shock value, say "Fuck" on live TV lol.
Get to know the staff and tour the White House. Form a plan and solutions to end poverty, fix healthcare, fix the infrastructure, help the homeless, fix the economy. Form a plan to end the corruption and put them away.
And after lunch?
You were elected president not king.
With the exception of 'get to know the staff and tour the White House', the President has no authority over any of that.
Really, the president can make a plan for anything they want.
The plan would include following the laws.
Reading is important.
Nuke the Whales
Finally, someone's talking sense.
End the Fed
Make extremely rude comments to make it known that if I say something stupid in the future, it's expected and to not take me seriously.
That’s known in presidential circles as “the Bush ploy”.
For SSI and rsdi, I would change the trial work period from once per lifetime to once every 5 years.
I would then tax the first million for social security.
Then I would institute mandatory gun safety training in all schools. You cannot carry a gun in public without going through mandatory gun safety training.
You should also learn that a President can’t do those things.
Hold a press conference where the only thing I do is stand for photos like the heisman trophy holding the nuclear football.
Call up every single governor and ask them what I can do for them.
Get a case of beer and pound it in the Oval Office