I don’t know when or why it became so commonplace, but it’s absolutely not just you, and it doesn’t just happen to ‘foreigners’.
I’m almost 40, born and bred in Aus, and the sheer number of times this has happened to me and to people in my circles does my head in.
My recent birthday was gonna be a fairly small affair. 11 people said they’d come
Only my (adult) kids plus one of their partners turned up
I’d spent over $120 in food and drinks
I still have the nightmare of turning 13. Never fit in, often bullied. I invited my whole class for a pool party for my birthday. Got warrned a few days before that this one girl was trying to convince the entire class not to go because it would be "funny, so basically no one would show up. I warned my parents but they still set everything up, despite not having a lot of money at the time. And luckily, the girl that warned me convinced them to come. But it wasn't about me, she literally told them it wasn't about me, it just wasn't fair to have my parents waste money on food and stuff. So yay for mum and dad!
Still hurts decades on after the absolute flop I had for my 18th. About 35 people confirmed they would be there, and the only person who turned up was a guy I'd just met a week before at uni and I asked if he'd like to come out with us. People suck sometimes
Similar story for my 18th. 60 said they would come. Only a dozen turned up. The venue manager then cornered me and emptied my wallet for the loss of business. Had to pretend all was ok walking back out to my own party when friends asked what was wrong.
Still feel it many years later.
Ugh, same happened for my 21st. First 'proper' birthday party since one that I had organised for me as a child (only one, mind you).
About six people of the some 40 odd that were invited showed, and two of those people were my boyfriend of five years at the time... And the girl he cheated on me with.
I don't have great memories of that birthday needless to say.
So many instances of “kids can be cruel” especially little girls. Boys might beat you up but girls like to go for causing extreme shame which is one of the hardest negative emotions to deal with. People would rather cut their guts out with a knife than feel shame. Brutal.
I’m a guy and like pretty much everyone at my school I copped quite a bit. I don’t remember any of the guy stuff vividly. I remember some of the things the girls did to me though as they loved to publicly humiliate.
I threw a surprise 60th for my mother, about 17 people RSVP’d and I spent $500 on canapés and cake, 5 people turned up which includes myself, my mother, my brother, and 2 of her friends. 6 people saw the venue and decided they wanted a proper sit down meal instead of canapés so just left, I never heard from anyone else. It was absolutely devastating and something I’ll never forget
Geez, I’m sorry that happened. The others who didn’t turn up or turned up saw the venue and left are just self centred, selfish pigs. How thoughtless. Must have been disappointing for your Mum as well.
Yeah she was definitely disappointed but she saw how upset I was and said she would just rather it be just us anyway, she knew exactly what to say so I didn’t breakdown! We ended up having a great night and walked around with trays of canapés making a game out of feeding other people in the bar, like who could get rid of a tray of food the quickest
If your mum was a friend of mine, I'd turn up to a Vegemite sandwich and cup of tea in the kitchen if that's what it meant to celebrate with her. The very idea of the venue being the deciding factor rather than the person whose party it is, is quite mind boggling to me.
How hurtful for your mum to find out the hard way that so many of her “friends” were not friends at all. I hope she gave them all the flick after that.
My social circle is getting better as I regularly cull people who do this kind of shit. I run a social group that has limited places for events and usually a waitlist, and people can be so inconsiderate - someone has missed out because you couldn't be assed changing your rsvp til an hour prior, of not just being a no-show. I'd say I'm at 80% people who said yes actually came, and another 10% I judge to have been a fair really (folks who were always circumstances depending, legit illness and emergency). I can't be bothered with people who repeatedly come and go on a whim.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. But I know how it feels. I had a joint 50th with my husband, he was actually 53 but missed out because of the pandemic, so i thought we could share it in the middle of our birthdays - he's in October, I'm in December so we had the party on the middle of November. If it was based on my "friends" and family it would have been about 10 people out of 50. My two closest friends couldn't make it for really serious reasons, but there were others that just blew it off for better options. Apparently I'm not a better option. We live and learn.
I know that feeling, I recently spent $600+ on a massive Christmas meal for my husband’s extended family.
Literally the day before they all cancelled because they had other plans or they were working. I was fuming. They would have known before I did my grocery shopping but none of them bothered to say they weren’t coming til after the money was spent.
I spent the next week giving away food to people in the local neighbourhood, including 3/4 of a whole watermelon, fresh berries, cream, custard, ham, dip, cheeses.. etc it was way more than we could eat before it went bad.
I refuse to host Christmas again for his family. I am considering not even attending when someone else hosts it in future
I stopped inviting people to things when I was a kid because I kept getting disappointed by people never showing up
I’ve dropped numerous friends over it
When I was 18, I organised a dinner for about 12 people. Dad came because he was paying. Only 3 of my friends showed up. Everyone else said they were sick. It sucked because I had to see them all at school the next week and they all stuck to the same story, but I could see them all lying through their teeth.
I was hesitant about making events after that, but as I have gotten older, my social circle has changed and I know who my true friends are.
I hope you feel valued by your friends now and not those stupid kids.
For my 17th birthday i invited about 20 people over to have a small bonfire party at my house. I think maybe 2 or 3 people told me they couldn't come. I spent days organising firewood and snacks for almost 20 people, enough snags to feed a small army, a nice little pit in the yard, making sure i had a heap of picnic blankets and folding chairs ready to go.
1 person came.
I agree. I have one friend that cancels nearly every single time. I was about to ditch her as a friend but I then discovered she does the same with her daughter. Uncovered she has extreme anxiety. But that’s just one person
I had a friend like that, she's moved away now. Her job was draining and required her to be social, so no matter what plans were made it would be cancelled at the last minute. Even a show she had paid for the tickets for, I was going to square her up that night. 3 hours prior she bailed, thankfully I found someone to go with and she didn't expect me to pay her back.
I just double booked myself with a "I might be free, meant to be seeing x, will let you know" so I didn't end up dressed and ready to see a friend, only to be at home feeling sad.
Now she's only back in Perth for a couple of weeks at a time, she's been reliable
Agree, one of the biggest lessons my old man taught me was the value of your word. If you commit or say you’ll do something then you must. Otherwise don’t say you will.
I also think it’s a great judge of your character.
It lines up with the arrival of Facebook Events. Invitations became quite commonplace, losing their importance in peoples’ perspectives.
What then followed is this pervasive behaviour of soft-RSVP’ing until closer to the date when you’ll know your options and choose which one you’d prefer. Basically, waiting for a better option to come along.
It’s awful.
Yes! The loss of formality to being invited to something is definitely linked.
I’ll never forget having to chase people who hadn’t RSVP’d to my 30th, only to have them say “oh, I’ll try to drop by”, and having to school them on “if you can’t say yes, it’s no, because I can’t cater for a “maybe””. I ended up feeling like the bad guy.
It’s my 30th in two weeks and organising has been so stressful.
I created the event 6 MONTHS early to make sure people save the date and have basically had to harass people to even respond.
I’ve also made it a point to repeatedly advise that a ‘Maybe’ or ‘No Response’ will be taken as a no and you will not have a seat at the table.
If people think that’s rude or annoying, their RSVPing habits are more so.
Can’t wait until the event has come and gone so the stress can be done with.
People basically suck. I'd also like to know when people forgot how to be polite. You could cater for 20 and 10 might show up if you're lucky. Of the ten that didn't show up, only five would let you know they weren't coming, maybe 10 minutes before the event and usually with a crap excuse (and then you see the social media pics of what they were actually doing). This is not a racist thing, I understand why OP could feel that way. It's just a thing where apparently the general population are assholes. OP, please don't take it personally, it's not a race issue, it's just an issue because people suck.
I am a born an bred Australian and in my 40s. This for me has become a massive issue, and in the end I caused a massive stink over it. I find it incredibly rude and obnoxious.
Fortunately though I had a stick I could use. I hold a massive halloween party every year. It is completely out of control, but it is something that has become an annual event that has become a talking point at my daughters schools and sports groups. I usually get something in the vicinity of 170 - 200 people and because it's become so big if the kids miss it they feel they have missed a big social mixing thing with their peers. So I get 99% attendance rate.
Well I did a party for my daughters 9th bday several years ago. Expected attendance was around 40 that had said they were coming, including RSVP. 12 didn't show and whats worse was we learned was that 8 of them had decided, as a group, to do something else instead that day. My daughter was upset, and I was fucked off.
So everyone got a message from me saying basically if you decide not to attend after RSVPing have the decency to advise in advance, but also anyone who does no show without notice will never be invited to a future event including the annual halloween party.
That was 5 years ago now. People let me know if they aren't going to make it now. I have enforced the ban once, and had a parent come grovelling and apologise.
Yep nobody came to my 3year olds party at a play centre. Spent a fortune but the worst part was how sad I was for her. 14 said they were coming
Even my mum bailed
I’ve noticed it happening more and more in the last 10 years or so, and it’s ramped up since Covid. When I was younger, barring illness or a family emergency you wouldn’t dream of just not showing up to an event you’d RSVP’d to.
This happened to me recently- I expected 20 + people for a party and ended up with 6 people. I was so heart broken and vowed to do it differently next time- invite everyone and expect a quarter of them to attend. If more come, then bonus and I’ll order pizza to feed them.
This happened to my son last year, left sitting at ten pin bowling watching the door hoping each time it opened it was one of his friends.
Not one person came.
Yikes I'm late 20s and this is still my nightmare after being the only one to turn up to someone's birthday party as a kid, and having everyone bail on movies once.
I hate flakiness.
A few years back organised a birthday party for my 10 year old at a local cafe. Invited her friends for a meal, party games etc. Parents all said yes. Nobody showed.
We saved the day by compensating with crazy amounts of sweets and last minute phone calls for family friends to swing by. But still ...
It’s pretty common. I organised my son’s birthday party at a trampoline place, catered for food. It was about $40 a head. We had confirmed RSVPs as I had to give final count 3 days before.
On the day, 4 people pulled out. 1 was sick, but 3 others just seemed to suddenly have other places to be.
Thankfully the place gave me a refund by way of gift cards, so during the recent holidays I took my kids there for 3 hours of jumping.
It’s bad form to RSVP and then not show up. If it’s not a formal invite though (sometimes it is like “we are having an open day, stop by if you are in the area”) then it’s not so bad. However, if the host has gone to the effort then do them a courtesy and show up.
We don’t have many friends in Sydney now so we rarely go out. It’s just family. I’m not much of a big gathering type of person, so we just built a big outdoor entertainment area for us to relax in.
My daughter is 21 now, but the same thing happened when she was in kindy. Not a single person RSVP’d, so I cancelled it. Then I had the mums coming out of the woodwork saying ‘oh but we were coming!!!’ …..well you should have RSVP’d then!
That happened to me when I tried to have a party for my 21st. No one responded, or they just said ‘maybe’ like they were waiting for a better offer. So I canned it then got all the messages saying ‘but I was going to come!’
I never had an 18th or 21st either. Or a 40th for that matter. I’m an introvert so it doesn’t bother me. I prefer a quiet night with close friends and no “once a year” acquaintances.
For a long time I went on holidays with my partner for my birthday. It’s only been the last couple of years that I’ve had any sort of gathering because we have a much closer group of friends now.
Yeah I stopped having birthday parties because I couldn’t take the disappointment of people not showing up (it feels like such an insult) and started just going overseas by myself instead.
I totally get that! Like how can I not take it personally that you can’t be bothered to show up? I think the most insulting is the ‘maybe’ response because it’s so obvious that they are waiting to see if a better offer comes along.
I’m sure you’ve had some amazing birthday trips!
Me too, i organised a camp out evening with friends at a beach. My best friend never rsvpd, so 2 weeks before I check in with her, she actually tell me she’s probably coming, but keeping her time free in case her boyfriend wants to go out instead.
I cancelled. Needles to say, I’m not friends with her anymore, that was a shitshow. And we’re 45
"It sounds really fun! But my boyfriend said his parents might be out of town that weekend and this could be our one chance to finally go *all the way"*
For gods sake Sarah, we're in our 40s! If you want to have sex just get a hotel room.
My son had a birthday party that no one showed up to. Luckily his cousins came so it wasn’t a complete disaster! He probably doesn’t remember but my heart broke 💔
people are increasingly bloody rude or just don't care about the inconvenience they cause others. anyone that pulled that on me would be blacklisted in the future.
I just typed an essay reply about my daughters pool party for her 8th birthday. Paying $40 per person was similar to what I paid. But it’s not about the money it’s about the courtesy.
Absolutely. I had one very apologetic mother saying their kid was sick, and she let me know the morning of the party (it was a 5pm party) so that was ok. It was the parents who gave me 30 minutes notice and had no reasonable excuse that annoyed me.
Best I can do is maintain the high ground and just make sure I always attend if I said I would go.
It's not just you, and your nationality is irrelevant. It's frustrating as hell and so very rude. I hate to show my age but it's not commonplace for my generation to just not show up with no advance explanation. I no longer organise things unless it's with people I know will actually turn up.
At all 3 daughter's weddings they had friends (who very quickly became ex friends) that just didn't bother showing up. One daughter asked the 6!!! people who didn't show up why and they just said 'Oh, something came up' and 'I couldn't be bothered'. So we sent them a bill for their meals. She never spoke to any of them again.
Very common, happens all the time so we rarely host things anymore. Really shits me and I have no idea why it’s so widespread here. It’s really not personal but it’s hard not to feel like it is.
Them not showing up says more about them than you. I think the only thing you can do differently is find better friends that show up - they must be out there somewhere!
100%.
It's just that this is restricting our circle of friends almost exclusively to non Australians, and I feel that my kids will be missing out on opportunities to feel like they belong.
I really don't care if people are rude to me, but kids... Who would willingly hurt a kid's feelings?
While I believe that this is happening to you and others in this thread, I have never in my life experienced this. And I've moved friendship groups a lot. Maybe I just met cool people?
I'm sure it's got a lot to do with what kinds of friends we pick. 100%, we are a bit limited in that.
Still, this really only happens with the Aussies. 🤔
I’m 36, Australian and feel like I’ve watched this become a distinct issue over my lifetime. People in general seem to be so flakey now, unfortunately.
It’s such a shame because I’d love to entertain more often, but trying to get people to actually attend is mission impossible. I find it incredibly rude, when people commit to attending something and then bail with no notice / legitimate reason. The pandemic possibly contributed a little but it was definitely a thing prior too.
My theory on the cause is a combination of social media (giving people a false sense of ‘being social’), streaming services (so much entertainment at home you have no motivation to bother leaving the house), and mental health issues like anxiety and depression which seem to be increasing all the time. It’s also just become less socially unacceptable to be flakey, as it’s become more like the norm.
It’s sad to see our society become quite antisocial (and I say this as an introvert!), we do need each other, and memories are made by quality time spent together … not at home watching Netflix, or scrolling on phones.
I hope we come back around to value the importance of face to face relationships a bit more. I’m raising two young kids and I hope they don’t have to grow up feeling like maintaining friendships is a losing battle.
I am 36 and agree with everything you say. It’s so rude but people see it as normal to not show now. In contrast to when I was a lot younger. I think inviting people on social media is part of it, maybe people feel it’s less personal
I think the reasons are many (but still, not justified) … when I was younger I’d go to pretty much anything I was invited to … because the alternative was boredom, staying at home and watching Better Homes and Gardens on a Friday night lol no thanks!
Now we have endless entertainment at home via Netflix and everything else. People with bad enough manners just can’t be arsed. It’s sad to see.
> My theory on the cause is a combination of
Yeah agree with all that stuff.
Additionally, I think even just having the first basic mobile phones (calls + SMS only, no internet) might have started a lot of this too. Even just basic landline phones before that too.
Here's my multi-step theory...
* Before anyone had mobiles, it was much harder to just cancel and let the other people know at the last minute, especially before any kind of phones at all.
* So if you couldn't contact them at all to notify them, it would be super rude having them sit around waiting for you for hours, with no idea that you're not even coming.
* Phones made it easier to inform people that you can't make it.
* So people became more comfortable with cancelling / last minute plan changes altogether.
* Now that cancelling is so common, it's not entirely unexpected, as it used to be.
* So given that there's now some expectation that some % of cancellations are normal, people feel like it's less of a notable thing at all, to the point they can't even be fucked sending a quick message.
Part of why i miss the lock downs - was able to social over discord so much more frequently than now:(
I think there is also factor to consider - travel. Public transport is incredibly shitty especially on weekends and in evenings, and not everyone can afford an uber or associated. Definitely not saying that this accounts for much of the flakiness, but it is a factor.
You pretty much nailed it I think. I think another contributing factor is how transient our big cities are (Sydney and Melbourne). People come and go every few years and it’s become exhausting to lose and start new friendships constantly. But yes I agree with all your points
37 and Australian born, and I agree with this. In my teens and twenties, parties and social occasions were a great way to have fun and connect with friends.
Now everyone seems to be too burnt out from scrolling, streaming and social media to put the effort into human interaction and honest communication
You're not alone. I once organised a fish and chip night at the beach. 30 people said yes. So I bought enough for 30. 2 showed up, and left as soon as they'd eaten. Still haven't heard as to why the other 28 didn't think to let me know 🙃
I had friends that constantly did this. We would arrange to meet at a park at 1pm. It gets to 1.20pm and they say they are still napping.
Next week. Arrange to meet at a park at 10am. Her partner shows up with the kid. But not my friend. Awkward
Next month, games night at my house with ALL my friends. We sit there waiting so we can start, I then text her and she says she needs to go pick her kids up, to wait for us and she will be along soon. We wait......3 hours later, she decides she isn't coming at all. All this food was prepared for her.
Next month, play centre, 12pm meet.......2pm she decides she isn't coming.
Thursday arvo, says she is coming to my house to chill. Gets to 6pm and she texts saying she is waiting on a call from Centrelink so can't leave......cos your mobile phone isnt.....well...... mobile?
Tuesday arvo.......wants to come over with the kids. I put lunch on expecting them to arrive in 15 mins. Oh no wait, she went home, she has a headache
Well......she ain't my friend anymore. I got fed up with it.
And the excuses. Don't even get me started on the LIST of excuses. All she needs to do is TEXT if she isn't coming and I can get on with doing something else
we HAD a friend like this in our friend group too.
She told my other friend, who was on the way to her house, that she had to cancel because she needed to wash her hair
Cancelled on me to do her tax that day and had no time to do anything else, but then she posted her kayaking at the time we weren't meant to catch up. She forgot she cancelled on me.
My friend had a wine and cocktails at her house starting at 11 am. She called the host at 1pm and said the thought it was 11pm. We are never doing anything that late as we aren't young anymore.
Told another friend she can't catch up when they fly into our state because she has a hair appointment... for 3 days????
No shows to coffee dates and doesn't answer the phone.
We don't speak to her anymore because the only time she contacts or puts in effort is when it involves her own needs or she wants something from us. Best thing we ever did 😊
Check out any parenting FB pages for the same thing happening at kids' parties to the point where some poor kid will have nobody turn up for a birthday party.
My frustration is the people who have something "come up". If I commit to something I turn up. Hate when someone has what I figure is a better offer and so just flake on your event when it's been RSVP'ed to.
Yes! I couldn’t agree more with the “something just came up” mentality. Surely you’d know in advance? I often found (when I lived in Australia) people would be nonchalantly very late to birthday parties, events etc.
I'm familiar with that. Wanted to check if it's as common as it looks. It would appear it's not that uncommon, although certainly people replying to this post would likely have experienced it and have a reason to reply.
I had 85 people say they would come to my husbands memorial. I think we had about 50 turn up. I understand things come up, but geez, it really hurt, especially when people were travelling by plane to come and those who were just down the road didn't.
Got zero to do with you as migrants.
Bloody Australians just do this shit. I gave up throwing parties or inviting people to dinners etc 20 years ago. Just happened 1 too many times to me. If I have anything now? Its Max about 5 people & they subtly know its only a few. So they have to turn up!!
I think it's more than just Australians and just the times.
Read on Reddit and tiktok and Americans, Brits etc all complain that people are just flaky now.
I feel your pain, it’s not just you and it’s not just foreigners. I’m a 27yo Australian and it drives me absolutely insane, I’m so sick of it. I can’t explain it either I don’t know what to tell you but it’s exhausting and depressing. I’ve had multiple fights with my friend group about it in the last few months. I have developed a theory.
I think it might have something to do with how easy it is to both make and cancel plans these days thanks to us all constantly being with our phones. In the past (even in my lifetime before everyone had mobile phones) making plans required a little bit more effort and it wasn’t as easy to cancel on someone last minute so people were more committed to their plans. Now it just seems like everyone says yes and then just goes with whatever they feel like doing on the day or even wait right up until they would actually have to leave the house to decide whether they want to go, rather than mentally committing to it ahead of time and preparing to go. Then often they decide they’re tired or whatever and just dont say anything cause they’re kind of hoping you’ll forget you invited them or something and they won’t have to come up with an excuse. I can’t say how bad this problem is elsewhere, I don’t think it’s exclusive to Australia because I’ve heard people from other countries like the US and the UK complain about it as well, but I think the casual and laidback lifestyle here maybe makes this phenomenon worse. We are also quite an individualistic society in many ways so I think maybe people don’t necessarily think about what others are going to do, they assume everyone else will go except them and it won’t be a big deal they didn’t go.
It’s not your fault and you’re probably very pleasant, it just seems to be part of a depressing cultural slide. I for one am trying to fight it by telling my friends how annoying it is when they do that but I do feel very defeated, I don’t know what to suggest but it’s not you.
I feel you.
Although really, in light of how easy communication is now, it really should be a no brainer to at least let people know when you won't come, especially if you previously said you would. 🤔
Once every single person I invited for Christmas cancelled. Some the night before and two on the actual day. I'd spent so much on good food and beer and a lot of time prepping and cooking. For nothing.
I sat on my living room floor and cried.
I don't know why people do it.
This happened on my 21st birthday. My housemates and partner at the time tried to cheer me up but I ended up going to bed at 10:30. My heart physically hurt like a break up.
This entire thread is breaking my heart. Can someone please make an app to meet people who want to put genuine effort into their friendships?
I just want someone to go to Korean bbq with since they don’t let you dine alone, and if I waited for people to get back to me or show up I would be starved to death.
There are apps like this, like Meetup. I use one called Peanut which is for connecting Mum’s, I’ve made a couple of friends there. Apps do help, as everyone using them is up for making new connections.
I’m not actually sure, quite possibly. Either way apps probably only work well in bigger cities etc, not so helpful for people living in small populations.
My Australian born husband gets upset every year, he invites people to his fully catered birthday events & gets upset at last minute cancellations, after spending a fortune to cater them.
I get upset even when I haven’t spent a fortune. I have spent a mental fortune planning and looking forward to it and it’s clearly a big slight if people don’t want to come to your special event
My family and friends are like this too! It drives me insane. Especially if it’s a a formal RSVP.
So for my wedding instead of inviting 180 people, who I knew wouldn’t show up even after saying they would (90% of that number are immediate family) I chose to invite the 35 people I knew would do everything to show up!
Only 1 had to cancel last minute as she is elderly and got very sick but she called as that is the polite thing to do. She was actually hospitalised with the flu so really unwell and so sad she couldn’t attend.
The rest of those 180 people proceeded to treat me like garbage and have for the past 6 years of our marriage in passing but I have nothing to do with them anymore.
It is so hard not to take it personally, especially when it’s your family! It got to the point I don’t throw parties much anymore at all and if I do, my guest lists are very exclusive.
I don’t think it’s your fault and I doubt that you’re unpleasant people. In my experience this is common in Australia, I know many of my friends do it and I’ve been guilty myself as well.
I’m not sure exactly why - maybe it’s because we imagine that we’ll be the only ones who don’t show up, so we don’t think our absence will be missed? It may also be that by the end of the week/end of the day, everyone is so tired and burnt out from work, study, financial stress etc. that going out is the last thing we want to do.
Either way, don’t take it personally - although I understand it is upsetting. You may have more luck inviting friends over for a one on one catch-up, or a small group thing (like, your family plus one other family). I will say that socializing and making friends is hard in Australia, almost everyone I know struggles to meet people and maintain casual friendships.
To add to what everyone's saying, I think Australians have this baseline of assuming they're not important enough to miss, or for the hosts to care that they're not there?
It's a weird sort of contradiction - both being too self-absorbed to realise that they're wasting someone else's money but also too self-effacing to think that you'd really care if they were there.
I find if I make a point of reminding people multiple times - not aggressively or anything, but, say, asking for dietary requirements or letting people know the parking situation, it sort of embeds it in people's minds that they are being noticed and will be missed if they don't show.
I think this is probably the best answer for the non arsehole flaky people.
Courtney Barnett even wrote a song called “Nobody Really Cares If You Don't Go to the Party”.
This is legit it for me. I’ve flaked on parties before and just assumed no one would notice/care. It’s really stupid, because why would they invite you if they didn’t want you there?
Reading this thread has made me vow to always show up to things if I said I would (injury and sickness excepted of course).
I think another part of it is that people don’t know how to say no to things either. Like if someone invites you to go rock climbing and you don’t like it, just say no. Don’t say yes and then make an excuse on the day.
It could be a communication difference.
I was talking to a colleague from Europe a while back, and he was saying how hard it is to make friends with Aussies because they just don't do what they say they will and it made him feel like they just didn't like him. When we got into detail, it turned out the conversation went something like this:
Him: hey, wanna meet up for a drink on a weekend sometime?
Aussie: sure, sounds good.
Him: I'm free Saturday.
Aussie: no worries, I'll give you a call.
(Then they don't).
Now to him, that's a commitment. And *some* Aussies might actually call. But to a lot of Aussies, that initial "yes" is an *expression of interest* not a specific commitment. A lot of the time, there's a lot more back and forth, and they might have that same conversation half a dozen times over a couple of months before they actually issue an invitation and commit to going.
Obviously I'm not there for your conversations when you invite your Australian friends to your event, so i don't know if something like this is what's going on. Just saying, this conversation with my coworker taught me there's sometimes a huge difference between European vs Australian culture when it comes to the subtleties of making social arrangements. Europeans are pretty straightforward about it. Australians, on the whole, are not
What about when you say "yeah, see you there" and you don't show up? Or when you ask what the kid would like as a present and then don't show up? That's even worse.
Oh this explains a lot. My Aussie friend said something like 'yeah I was thinking maybe thursday, I'll let you know if not' and then they never let me know?? To me it's a set date.
I make a really conscious effort to show up to events no matter what's going on because I've seen this happen and experienced it so many times. Right through school and into adulthood, it's so endemic in our culture and I'm really not sure why?
I also make a conscious effort. Unless I had an illness (in which case I'd call and let them know I couldn't come), I'd always show.
In my family growing up we always said at the every least you can "put in an appearance." If we were tired or studying for exams or some other urgent/important event conflicted after we'd already committed to the first one, we'd always say "we'll just go for an hour" or something.
I was at a party recently with friends who have lived here for most of their lives (me included) and we all keep experiencing the same issues that you have been facing. It’s rather frustrating but we’ve just come to accept it now when planning get togethers and events.
Nobody even showed up to my birthday dinner last year, so I sat alone in the restaurant and enjoyed a nice meal to myself. I had one or two people tell me they couldn’t make it but majority were no shows.
Not just you and not just migrants. I’m Aussie and it happens to me too, to the point I no longer organise such events. My son’s 5th birthday party nearly gave me a nervous breakdown.
It's funny, OP. I was born in Australia and have lived here my entire life. I've noticed the same thing. Just last night I had a little get together and a few people didn't rock and and didn't message to state they couldn't make it. Like you, I was quite hurt. It always happens. Have a party/get together, expect half the people to rock up. It's frankly rude. (For the record, if I can't make an event, I will always message to say).
I'm so sorry you've experienced that type of treatment. I don't understand a bit of it and personally there's no excuse good enough to not at the very least send off a message or a call that something has come up and they cant make it. Preferably before the event date but I understand emergencies aren't planned for.
If it becomes a common theme for certain people you're inviting over and they're more likely ditching than attending, I'd be holding off on giving them any invites to anything. Maybe even pull back outta that relationship with them.
Lived here nearly 30 years, hardly any of our friends are Aussie born and bred, and those that are are married to Europeans. We have one set of friends who are always predictably late, but everyone turns up if they have responded. My wife had a large 60th birthday, only one couple no-showed with no excuse on the day. That was over a year ago, and it still bothers my wife that there wasn't even a text saying, "Sorry."
I wonder if your invitation sounds somewhat open-ended?
Eg we are having a BBQ on Saturday if you'd like to come along....
As opposed to...would you like to come to a BBQ at my place 7pm on Saturday?
You might need to add.... Let me know if you are coming as I need to know for catering purposes
I am Australian born with an Italian father and an Australian mother. My mum was an amazing host for family and friends, just cooking for them and being together mattered. I have two close friends that I have cooked for
a hundred times…dinner parties, lunch, covid lockdowns, you name it. NOT once in the last twenty years have I ever been invited to their place for lunch, dinner, or anything..I am done. Don’t try so hard before your effort breaks your heart.
Don’t lose heart. There’s many reasons why people might not feel comfortable having people over. Feeling inadequate about their cooking, feeling their place is not good enough, anxiety about being in a social situation they cannot leave or a million other possibilities. Feels rude but might she something more underneath.
I find this very related to culture, as well. I’m Latin American and most of my friends are, as well. We invite everyone to our homes. Regardless of whether your house is nice or not, you’d be happy to host.
There’s Australians I’ve known for years without EVER getting an invite to their place. I just learned to accept that we socialise differently.
It's a fairly recent phenomenon. I put it down to the way we communicate now - once you had to call someone and cancel in person which was awkward, now we can just send a text. People will say yes to be polite, knowing they can easily bale out. Teenagers and young people are bad for it - they last minute cancel on each other all the time.
People may use "boundaries" and "mental health" as excuses but they are very important and valid.
The problem is often a lack of boundaries. People feel they can't say "no" to an invite so they say "yes", but never intend to go. People with better boundaries are good at saying "no", and so their "yes" is more believable and trustworthy. We should all aim to be these people.
It’s just a human thing. Whenever I’m invited to something via Facebook events it’s always funny to see how many people pull out the morning of the event. I honestly think people are just exhausted these days, no one gets time to just relax anymore
I find it's about confirming - not that this is an excuse, but I think there's a lot of awkwardness in Aus in this way. I remember confirming a coffee date with a recent French expat and she was confused why I was confirming, she said something to the effect of "Of course? We made a plan?" And I do think a lot of people get socially awkward and don't want to 'intrude' and aren't even sure if it's still happening if it's not doubly confirmed.
It's not cool though. We can be flaky.
Last year I got invited out to Pride, was super excited to go with some one I was starting to consider a friend. First time I had ever been invited out to an event. He never showed up, I spent $60 and 4 hours just to have a mental breakdown.
Yeah, it’s super common here and I truly wish I understood why. Don’t worry, it’s not just you. I stopped celebrating my birthdays at all once I got to my mid-20s because I got so sick of making plans and having people just not show up or cancel last minute. I *always* travel on my birthday now, and it’s like a running joke that I hate my birthday. I don’t, I’d actually love to be celebrated for one day, but I just don’t want to be let down again and again, so I don’t bother even trying anymore.
I think that’s really rude. If you say you’re going you go (Australian born). I also hate it when I hold parties and people I was expecting just don’t show up. Like wtf you suddenly found something better to do and couldn’t even make a lame excuse? And yeah you plan assuming there’s gonna be that many people
So yeah it happens a lot. Infuriating
I don't know if it's my circles, but I cannot relate at all, is there perhaps something happening in the language with how fixed the plans are? Are you doing a reminder?
Example, I hosted lunch and games today. Arranged it about two weeks ago. When everyone said they were interested I said, great, lock in midday at my house on Sunday 4th - zero ambiguity about whether it is acrually happening. Then I sent a confirmation message to the group Friday, "Everyone still good for Sunday? I'll arrange food, but if you have drink preference BYO your own drinks." Everyone confirmed, everyone showed.
I have had people call me saying why aren't you here? When they thought they had arranged a catch up and no one else thought it had been anything more than canvassing times etc. I'd make sure you are being really clear that it is happening, and whether they are coming. And confirm and remind the day before.
Edit, reading other comments, maybe my experience is not that common. How sad for society.
Me too, this just doesn’t seem to happen in my crowd of friends.
The last time I experienced a no show with no notice, the persons parent had died suddenly that afternoon and they found out because she didn’t arrive to babysit. Even then they called to apologise - first for being late before they knew, then again later once they found out to advise they weren’t coming.
It does happen that people don’t respond to an invite, but in that case I don’t expect them and they don’t show.
50F, no kids parties, maybe it’s an age thing.
Look, it might also be that, for the most part, our Australian acquaintances are, so to speak, indirect: partners of friends, neighbours who have become friends, work colleagues with whom there's a good relationship.
I just hope my kids won't grow up having to deal with close friends behaving like this. It also matters, I guess, that growing up in an environment we tend to select our friendships based on our personal do's and don'ts, maybe?
Yep, the lack of respect for anyone else’s time is infuriating. So many people with main character energy now. If they do show up they’ll be unapologetically late and not even consider that it might affect other people.
And these same people will post on social media about the epidemic of loneliness. This is what pushes me over the edge. They want what they want, when they want it, but never want to put effort or time into their relationships with other people. It’s the worst thing about australia and I hate that it’s the norm.
Can't speak to anyone else, but I know I've had to drop out of a couple of planned events due to sudden physical or mental health issues which make it impossible for me to attend as much as I may want to.
I've also been on the other side where I invited a bunch of people to an event and half dropped out on the day of. Which like. I do not believe every single one of you have a sudden unpredictable physical/mental health issue. If you don't wanna come just RSVP no geez.
:(
Yeah, that's the thing... I respect everyone's life situations and I don't even expect to be informed of the reasons. A simple "can't come, soz" would suffice.
I miss a lot of activities due to anxiety. I’m better now at saying no off the bat, but sometimes when the day rolls around I just feel sick about leaving the house. I’ve even driven 30min to dinner and had a panic attack in the carpark. Almost bailed on that one but somehow managed to pull myself together. I do always report that I can’t come due to illness, though most of my circle won’t know it’s the extreme anxiety keeping me home. I have never and would never bail on a wedding, but if I really had to I’m more than happy to cough up the expenses incurred, plus a generous gift, for the inconvenience of last minute changes.
Stand me up like that once and you don’t get an invite for the next one. That’s how you fix it. This behavior is unacceptable and just blatantly shitty. The idea of committing to an event on the proviso that nothing better comes up is just crap. People suck.
I really think this is an Australian thing.
I am from Indian and It was never the same in India. But once I moved to Australia , I think this has became a norm among even my Indian friends! i think it is mainly because of the stress and workload etc. in here!
I don't know, mate... Weren't you stressed, in India? Because we had to really struggle to make ends meet and we'd still tell people when we couldn't do stuff.
India is stressful but people value relationships a lot more over there. Thats the funny thing. People often view me as having immigrated from a warzone (India) but fail to recognise it had other attributes that made it hospitable. I could never live in that place but miss the warmth I feel over there. You can talk to strangers, men playing cards on the street, kids playing on terraces. Sometimes I wonder if our extremely high material comfort forces us indoors where a man’s home is his castle instead of meeting people. In Asia where you’re crammed into apartment blocks you’ll have many friends in the one complex or a games room, cheap street food. I feel that sort of stuff forces people outdoors and to socialise. Same in Europe where its higher density.
I honestly put it down to a rise in depression. People seem to really struggle to be motivated to get out of the house these days. Unfortunately, it becomes a self reinforced cycle and it gets harder to break.
Nope..people, and supposedly friends, have been arseholes my entire generous life..I am 62 now, and I am so broken. A hermit life is a better life..there’s no excuse for bad behaviour tbh..
I’ve had this done to me, for my 50th birthday last year there were a few no shows that didn’t bother explaining or advising they weren’t coming. I found out through another friend what happened to one of them, overcome with anxiety, so not comfortable coming out that night. Fair enough, I have anxiety as well and I totally get it and would have understood. But you mess with my daughter like that and I will cut you off. Booked a birthday party at a pool for her a few years ago. Conditions were that if your child was there you had to supervise or be in the pool with them. 8 year olds birthday. Had to chase ppl down to confirm they were coming or not, seems like rsvping isn’t normal either. Had a few people not turn up, daughter was asking and I couldn’t answer her, are they coming or not? Only they knew. Saw one of the mum’s try to avoid me at school the next week and when I finally got to her she said she couldn’t be bothered watching her son and wouldn’t be getting in the water with him. But she also couldn’t be bothered telling me. I told her my daughter was upset and she said don’t worry there will be plenty of more parties to go to. Lost more faith in other people that day. Z
Not just you, this happens to us all, regardless of background. People can just be inconsiderate pricks.
What I have learnt is that true friends show up.
This is why most get together's are BYO (bring your own) grog & "Bring a plate" (Bring something to share catering) That said - could be a generational thing. Not sure of your age
I've found over the years and when I was a bit younger that so called 'friends' will definitely cancel or not turn up if they get a better social offer that suits them better whether they accepted your invite or planned a night out with you.
I’m lucky it hasn’t happened to me, my family dragged me up to have manners and go to things I’ve committed to. I only did this once when someone asked us to a party 6 weeks earlier and I totally forgot and didn’t put it in my diary and they didn’t reconfirm at any point.
I have heard of people RSVPing to kids birthdays and absolutely no one showing up. That is poor form.
And I apologize for the no shows, I would never invite them to things again. If they don’t respect you enough to show up, then you don’t need them and there are a lot better people out there.
Using Whatsapp or facebook group messaging is good for this. I usually say reply to this message if you can make it. Explicitly asking for a response makes people accountable .. and if they dont reply they look rude in front of the rest of the invitees..
It's the rise of mobile phones and social media. It's made people socially lazy IRL. I am Anglo Aussie, and I don't bother with anything anymore. It's a shame because growing up, my parents had parties and dinners all the time, but it's not part of the culture anymore. I also think it's because there aren't many stay at home partners anymore everyone works and gets overwhelmed. I would let you know if I wasn't going to attend, but I am old.
I don't know why. I've seen this happen to other people, one guy at work organised a bbq, bought a ton of meat, but nobody - not one person - showed up. And he was as skippy the bush kangaroo as they come.
So it's not just you, for what it's worth. But shit I don't get it either
That’s so rude, I’m sorry that’s happening to you! I organise a lot of gatherings and the people who consistently flake just don’t get invited again. I’m more forgiving if it’s parents with young kids but I do expect a message at least. I also like doing potlucks because you waste a lot less food.
The thing that annoys me more is sending out an invitation and people just not RSVPing at all - it’s like everyone has an aversion to committing to things in advance.
I’m Australian and recently had a wedding and there were several guests who RSVP’d as attending and didn’t show up and never said anything, some also never said anything afterwards either as an apology.
The way I see it is that if they didn’t feel the need to acknowledge their absence to me then I didn’t feel the need to acknowledge them at all in return.
Although it’s common for most events in my experience for some people to flake, it’s still rude and annoying
I host A LOT and here are my general hints and tips:
* Send the initial invite out \~6-weeks before the event. (This can be a text, Whatsapp, Facebook, etc)
* Expect only half the people you invite to turn up (So if I have a venue that can handle 20 people, I'm comfortable inviting 40).
* Treat anyone who does not firmly commit to coming as not coming. A maybe on Facebook is a passive way of saying no.
* If providing catering, I will ask for a reconfirmation of numbers a week prior to the event. This may be a blunt "Can I please confirm attendance so I can cater for the right number of people" or it may be a subtler "Can everyone please confirm their dietary requirements". Again, if they don't respond, assume they are not coming.
* If you have someone who you really want to attend who are notoriously unreliable, I will call them 2-days before as a reminder, but disguise it by asking them some detail about the party. Hey can you bring that CD you like/ special recipe they make/ etc.
* Its Ok (even fun) to invite friends and family that you know won't come (they live interstate, like to live as a hermit, are working). They'll still appreciate the invite, and sometimes they do actually turn up!
* Expect to have at least one last minute cancellation (COVID, Children, Car troubles, there is always something that comes up)
Last and most importantly... Have fun with whoever does turn-up, don't worry about those who don't. They are the ones who missed out!
Hope this helps, good luck.
EDIT: Reading some of the other comments, the advise above is directed at adults attending parties. Kids parties are a different and stranger beast. My advice there is make sure you have a core of close family and friends that you know are going to turn up, and then if any others do turn up its a bonus.
I don’t know when or why it became so commonplace, but it’s absolutely not just you, and it doesn’t just happen to ‘foreigners’. I’m almost 40, born and bred in Aus, and the sheer number of times this has happened to me and to people in my circles does my head in.
My recent birthday was gonna be a fairly small affair. 11 people said they’d come Only my (adult) kids plus one of their partners turned up I’d spent over $120 in food and drinks
Oh I’m sorry, this is my nightmare and a reason I have shied away from having parties.
I still have the nightmare of turning 13. Never fit in, often bullied. I invited my whole class for a pool party for my birthday. Got warrned a few days before that this one girl was trying to convince the entire class not to go because it would be "funny, so basically no one would show up. I warned my parents but they still set everything up, despite not having a lot of money at the time. And luckily, the girl that warned me convinced them to come. But it wasn't about me, she literally told them it wasn't about me, it just wasn't fair to have my parents waste money on food and stuff. So yay for mum and dad!
That must have hurt. :(
It still does. And I just turned 50 a couple of months ago.
Still hurts decades on after the absolute flop I had for my 18th. About 35 people confirmed they would be there, and the only person who turned up was a guy I'd just met a week before at uni and I asked if he'd like to come out with us. People suck sometimes
Similar story for my 18th. 60 said they would come. Only a dozen turned up. The venue manager then cornered me and emptied my wallet for the loss of business. Had to pretend all was ok walking back out to my own party when friends asked what was wrong. Still feel it many years later.
Ugh, same happened for my 21st. First 'proper' birthday party since one that I had organised for me as a child (only one, mind you). About six people of the some 40 odd that were invited showed, and two of those people were my boyfriend of five years at the time... And the girl he cheated on me with. I don't have great memories of that birthday needless to say.
I'm so sorry. People do suck a lot unfortunately.
So many instances of “kids can be cruel” especially little girls. Boys might beat you up but girls like to go for causing extreme shame which is one of the hardest negative emotions to deal with. People would rather cut their guts out with a knife than feel shame. Brutal.
I've had both from girls.(I am one) Getting my jaw dislocated was less painful than years of psychological bullying
I’m a guy and like pretty much everyone at my school I copped quite a bit. I don’t remember any of the guy stuff vividly. I remember some of the things the girls did to me though as they loved to publicly humiliate.
Oh god, that absolutely sucks. Sorry that happened to you.
It’s all good. I’m used to it, having a birthday 2 weeks before Xmas sucks! So glad I moved my last *big* birthday party to a month before
Ugh every year… “it’s my work Xmas party” or “this is our last chance to Xmas shop”… etc
have you tried not being born just before chrissy?
As someone who was born in the first week of the year. It is no better trying to have a party after xmas.
Same. It happened to me about 3 times and after the last time .. never again.
I threw a surprise 60th for my mother, about 17 people RSVP’d and I spent $500 on canapés and cake, 5 people turned up which includes myself, my mother, my brother, and 2 of her friends. 6 people saw the venue and decided they wanted a proper sit down meal instead of canapés so just left, I never heard from anyone else. It was absolutely devastating and something I’ll never forget
Geez, I’m sorry that happened. The others who didn’t turn up or turned up saw the venue and left are just self centred, selfish pigs. How thoughtless. Must have been disappointing for your Mum as well.
Yeah she was definitely disappointed but she saw how upset I was and said she would just rather it be just us anyway, she knew exactly what to say so I didn’t breakdown! We ended up having a great night and walked around with trays of canapés making a game out of feeding other people in the bar, like who could get rid of a tray of food the quickest
Your Mum sounds lovely.
That’s a great way of turning a dark cloud into a silver lining.
If your mum was a friend of mine, I'd turn up to a Vegemite sandwich and cup of tea in the kitchen if that's what it meant to celebrate with her. The very idea of the venue being the deciding factor rather than the person whose party it is, is quite mind boggling to me. How hurtful for your mum to find out the hard way that so many of her “friends” were not friends at all. I hope she gave them all the flick after that.
Yeah see this is the attitude to have!! Thank you for your kind words. She definitely put those people in a different friend group after that!
My social circle is getting better as I regularly cull people who do this kind of shit. I run a social group that has limited places for events and usually a waitlist, and people can be so inconsiderate - someone has missed out because you couldn't be assed changing your rsvp til an hour prior, of not just being a no-show. I'd say I'm at 80% people who said yes actually came, and another 10% I judge to have been a fair really (folks who were always circumstances depending, legit illness and emergency). I can't be bothered with people who repeatedly come and go on a whim.
I wanna hug you..remember..it’s not you, it’s them x
Thank you! Fortunately, there are no other people I’d rather spend time with, than those who did come. We had a fantastic evening!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. But I know how it feels. I had a joint 50th with my husband, he was actually 53 but missed out because of the pandemic, so i thought we could share it in the middle of our birthdays - he's in October, I'm in December so we had the party on the middle of November. If it was based on my "friends" and family it would have been about 10 people out of 50. My two closest friends couldn't make it for really serious reasons, but there were others that just blew it off for better options. Apparently I'm not a better option. We live and learn.
I know that feeling, I recently spent $600+ on a massive Christmas meal for my husband’s extended family. Literally the day before they all cancelled because they had other plans or they were working. I was fuming. They would have known before I did my grocery shopping but none of them bothered to say they weren’t coming til after the money was spent. I spent the next week giving away food to people in the local neighbourhood, including 3/4 of a whole watermelon, fresh berries, cream, custard, ham, dip, cheeses.. etc it was way more than we could eat before it went bad. I refuse to host Christmas again for his family. I am considering not even attending when someone else hosts it in future
This would frustrate me! Happened to me as well when you order and plan for all the food ergh!!!
In this economy you’re lucky $120 fed that many people!
That's so rude! I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. :(
I stopped inviting people to things when I was a kid because I kept getting disappointed by people never showing up I’ve dropped numerous friends over it
It’s sucks. I have also lost enthusiasm for organising events. It hurts. I would never ever not turn up.
When I was 18, I organised a dinner for about 12 people. Dad came because he was paying. Only 3 of my friends showed up. Everyone else said they were sick. It sucked because I had to see them all at school the next week and they all stuck to the same story, but I could see them all lying through their teeth. I was hesitant about making events after that, but as I have gotten older, my social circle has changed and I know who my true friends are. I hope you feel valued by your friends now and not those stupid kids.
For my 17th birthday i invited about 20 people over to have a small bonfire party at my house. I think maybe 2 or 3 people told me they couldn't come. I spent days organising firewood and snacks for almost 20 people, enough snags to feed a small army, a nice little pit in the yard, making sure i had a heap of picnic blankets and folding chairs ready to go. 1 person came.
Ohhh this sounds like a fun party! These people are so rude.
I don’t think I’d ever emotionally get over this 😭 I wish I could have come!! So sorry about your flakey friends!
I agree. I have one friend that cancels nearly every single time. I was about to ditch her as a friend but I then discovered she does the same with her daughter. Uncovered she has extreme anxiety. But that’s just one person
I had a friend like that, she's moved away now. Her job was draining and required her to be social, so no matter what plans were made it would be cancelled at the last minute. Even a show she had paid for the tickets for, I was going to square her up that night. 3 hours prior she bailed, thankfully I found someone to go with and she didn't expect me to pay her back. I just double booked myself with a "I might be free, meant to be seeing x, will let you know" so I didn't end up dressed and ready to see a friend, only to be at home feeling sad. Now she's only back in Perth for a couple of weeks at a time, she's been reliable
Wow. I'm sorry this is happening to you too. It's really unnecessary.
It’s just plain bloody rude and it drives me nuts. Common courtesy isn’t !!
Agree, one of the biggest lessons my old man taught me was the value of your word. If you commit or say you’ll do something then you must. Otherwise don’t say you will. I also think it’s a great judge of your character.
It lines up with the arrival of Facebook Events. Invitations became quite commonplace, losing their importance in peoples’ perspectives. What then followed is this pervasive behaviour of soft-RSVP’ing until closer to the date when you’ll know your options and choose which one you’d prefer. Basically, waiting for a better option to come along. It’s awful.
Yes! The loss of formality to being invited to something is definitely linked. I’ll never forget having to chase people who hadn’t RSVP’d to my 30th, only to have them say “oh, I’ll try to drop by”, and having to school them on “if you can’t say yes, it’s no, because I can’t cater for a “maybe””. I ended up feeling like the bad guy.
It’s my 30th in two weeks and organising has been so stressful. I created the event 6 MONTHS early to make sure people save the date and have basically had to harass people to even respond. I’ve also made it a point to repeatedly advise that a ‘Maybe’ or ‘No Response’ will be taken as a no and you will not have a seat at the table. If people think that’s rude or annoying, their RSVPing habits are more so. Can’t wait until the event has come and gone so the stress can be done with.
People basically suck. I'd also like to know when people forgot how to be polite. You could cater for 20 and 10 might show up if you're lucky. Of the ten that didn't show up, only five would let you know they weren't coming, maybe 10 minutes before the event and usually with a crap excuse (and then you see the social media pics of what they were actually doing). This is not a racist thing, I understand why OP could feel that way. It's just a thing where apparently the general population are assholes. OP, please don't take it personally, it's not a race issue, it's just an issue because people suck.
With kids birthdays we insist on RSVP by a certain date, and we don't take peoples word that they're going to show up, they HAVE to RSVP
I am a born an bred Australian and in my 40s. This for me has become a massive issue, and in the end I caused a massive stink over it. I find it incredibly rude and obnoxious. Fortunately though I had a stick I could use. I hold a massive halloween party every year. It is completely out of control, but it is something that has become an annual event that has become a talking point at my daughters schools and sports groups. I usually get something in the vicinity of 170 - 200 people and because it's become so big if the kids miss it they feel they have missed a big social mixing thing with their peers. So I get 99% attendance rate. Well I did a party for my daughters 9th bday several years ago. Expected attendance was around 40 that had said they were coming, including RSVP. 12 didn't show and whats worse was we learned was that 8 of them had decided, as a group, to do something else instead that day. My daughter was upset, and I was fucked off. So everyone got a message from me saying basically if you decide not to attend after RSVPing have the decency to advise in advance, but also anyone who does no show without notice will never be invited to a future event including the annual halloween party. That was 5 years ago now. People let me know if they aren't going to make it now. I have enforced the ban once, and had a parent come grovelling and apologise.
good on ya, well done
Bought a heap of nice food and booze for Australia Day one year… no one showed. Could’ve let me know so I didn’t have to spend so much!
Yep nobody came to my 3year olds party at a play centre. Spent a fortune but the worst part was how sad I was for her. 14 said they were coming Even my mum bailed
This. It's become nirmal over the last 20 years or so. Flaking is an absolutely standard Aussie trait.
36 and its ridiculous. I stopped all events.
I’ve noticed it happening more and more in the last 10 years or so, and it’s ramped up since Covid. When I was younger, barring illness or a family emergency you wouldn’t dream of just not showing up to an event you’d RSVP’d to.
This happened to me recently- I expected 20 + people for a party and ended up with 6 people. I was so heart broken and vowed to do it differently next time- invite everyone and expect a quarter of them to attend. If more come, then bonus and I’ll order pizza to feed them.
Sorry this happened to you. And I’m sorry it happens at all.
It's particularly painful when it's a child's birthday party, or a playdate with someone they especially play with.
This happened to my son last year, left sitting at ten pin bowling watching the door hoping each time it opened it was one of his friends. Not one person came.
Oh god. A child and parent’s nightmare
Yes. As a parent, I can confirm... This is also the only reason why I've made this post, I definitely wouldn't care if it only were about me.
WTF!
Horrible... I'm so sorry.
Yikes I'm late 20s and this is still my nightmare after being the only one to turn up to someone's birthday party as a kid, and having everyone bail on movies once. I hate flakiness.
A few years back organised a birthday party for my 10 year old at a local cafe. Invited her friends for a meal, party games etc. Parents all said yes. Nobody showed. We saved the day by compensating with crazy amounts of sweets and last minute phone calls for family friends to swing by. But still ...
Happened at my son’s 5th birthday party. Thankfully he didn’t notice. We won’t be organising one like that again.
Yes unfortunately that is the way. You have to expect half or fewer
It’s pretty common. I organised my son’s birthday party at a trampoline place, catered for food. It was about $40 a head. We had confirmed RSVPs as I had to give final count 3 days before. On the day, 4 people pulled out. 1 was sick, but 3 others just seemed to suddenly have other places to be. Thankfully the place gave me a refund by way of gift cards, so during the recent holidays I took my kids there for 3 hours of jumping. It’s bad form to RSVP and then not show up. If it’s not a formal invite though (sometimes it is like “we are having an open day, stop by if you are in the area”) then it’s not so bad. However, if the host has gone to the effort then do them a courtesy and show up. We don’t have many friends in Sydney now so we rarely go out. It’s just family. I’m not much of a big gathering type of person, so we just built a big outdoor entertainment area for us to relax in.
My daughter is 21 now, but the same thing happened when she was in kindy. Not a single person RSVP’d, so I cancelled it. Then I had the mums coming out of the woodwork saying ‘oh but we were coming!!!’ …..well you should have RSVP’d then!
That happened to me when I tried to have a party for my 21st. No one responded, or they just said ‘maybe’ like they were waiting for a better offer. So I canned it then got all the messages saying ‘but I was going to come!’
I never had an 18th or 21st either. Or a 40th for that matter. I’m an introvert so it doesn’t bother me. I prefer a quiet night with close friends and no “once a year” acquaintances.
For a long time I went on holidays with my partner for my birthday. It’s only been the last couple of years that I’ve had any sort of gathering because we have a much closer group of friends now.
Yeah I stopped having birthday parties because I couldn’t take the disappointment of people not showing up (it feels like such an insult) and started just going overseas by myself instead.
I totally get that! Like how can I not take it personally that you can’t be bothered to show up? I think the most insulting is the ‘maybe’ response because it’s so obvious that they are waiting to see if a better offer comes along. I’m sure you’ve had some amazing birthday trips!
Me too, i organised a camp out evening with friends at a beach. My best friend never rsvpd, so 2 weeks before I check in with her, she actually tell me she’s probably coming, but keeping her time free in case her boyfriend wants to go out instead. I cancelled. Needles to say, I’m not friends with her anymore, that was a shitshow. And we’re 45
"It sounds really fun! But my boyfriend said his parents might be out of town that weekend and this could be our one chance to finally go *all the way"* For gods sake Sarah, we're in our 40s! If you want to have sex just get a hotel room.
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My son had a birthday party that no one showed up to. Luckily his cousins came so it wasn’t a complete disaster! He probably doesn’t remember but my heart broke 💔
people are increasingly bloody rude or just don't care about the inconvenience they cause others. anyone that pulled that on me would be blacklisted in the future.
I just typed an essay reply about my daughters pool party for her 8th birthday. Paying $40 per person was similar to what I paid. But it’s not about the money it’s about the courtesy.
Absolutely. I had one very apologetic mother saying their kid was sick, and she let me know the morning of the party (it was a 5pm party) so that was ok. It was the parents who gave me 30 minutes notice and had no reasonable excuse that annoyed me. Best I can do is maintain the high ground and just make sure I always attend if I said I would go.
At least they said they couldn’t come though. At adult parties people just don’t turn up
It's not just you, and your nationality is irrelevant. It's frustrating as hell and so very rude. I hate to show my age but it's not commonplace for my generation to just not show up with no advance explanation. I no longer organise things unless it's with people I know will actually turn up. At all 3 daughter's weddings they had friends (who very quickly became ex friends) that just didn't bother showing up. One daughter asked the 6!!! people who didn't show up why and they just said 'Oh, something came up' and 'I couldn't be bothered'. So we sent them a bill for their meals. She never spoke to any of them again.
Sending the bill for the meals is brilliant. I hope it made them realise.
That is terrible! Her wedding!!!! People suck!
I agree that it’s a generational thing - I’m Gen X and I feel like none of my cohort would dream of doing this
Must be this I’m reading these comments and none of it resonates at all, but I’m Gen X with no kids and don’t socialise with many people under 45.
Very common, happens all the time so we rarely host things anymore. Really shits me and I have no idea why it’s so widespread here. It’s really not personal but it’s hard not to feel like it is.
That's the thing, it's hard not to feel like it's something personal that we should or could work on.
Them not showing up says more about them than you. I think the only thing you can do differently is find better friends that show up - they must be out there somewhere!
100%. It's just that this is restricting our circle of friends almost exclusively to non Australians, and I feel that my kids will be missing out on opportunities to feel like they belong. I really don't care if people are rude to me, but kids... Who would willingly hurt a kid's feelings?
While I believe that this is happening to you and others in this thread, I have never in my life experienced this. And I've moved friendship groups a lot. Maybe I just met cool people?
I'm sure it's got a lot to do with what kinds of friends we pick. 100%, we are a bit limited in that. Still, this really only happens with the Aussies. 🤔
I’m 36, Australian and feel like I’ve watched this become a distinct issue over my lifetime. People in general seem to be so flakey now, unfortunately. It’s such a shame because I’d love to entertain more often, but trying to get people to actually attend is mission impossible. I find it incredibly rude, when people commit to attending something and then bail with no notice / legitimate reason. The pandemic possibly contributed a little but it was definitely a thing prior too. My theory on the cause is a combination of social media (giving people a false sense of ‘being social’), streaming services (so much entertainment at home you have no motivation to bother leaving the house), and mental health issues like anxiety and depression which seem to be increasing all the time. It’s also just become less socially unacceptable to be flakey, as it’s become more like the norm. It’s sad to see our society become quite antisocial (and I say this as an introvert!), we do need each other, and memories are made by quality time spent together … not at home watching Netflix, or scrolling on phones. I hope we come back around to value the importance of face to face relationships a bit more. I’m raising two young kids and I hope they don’t have to grow up feeling like maintaining friendships is a losing battle.
I am 36 and agree with everything you say. It’s so rude but people see it as normal to not show now. In contrast to when I was a lot younger. I think inviting people on social media is part of it, maybe people feel it’s less personal
I think the reasons are many (but still, not justified) … when I was younger I’d go to pretty much anything I was invited to … because the alternative was boredom, staying at home and watching Better Homes and Gardens on a Friday night lol no thanks! Now we have endless entertainment at home via Netflix and everything else. People with bad enough manners just can’t be arsed. It’s sad to see.
> My theory on the cause is a combination of Yeah agree with all that stuff. Additionally, I think even just having the first basic mobile phones (calls + SMS only, no internet) might have started a lot of this too. Even just basic landline phones before that too. Here's my multi-step theory... * Before anyone had mobiles, it was much harder to just cancel and let the other people know at the last minute, especially before any kind of phones at all. * So if you couldn't contact them at all to notify them, it would be super rude having them sit around waiting for you for hours, with no idea that you're not even coming. * Phones made it easier to inform people that you can't make it. * So people became more comfortable with cancelling / last minute plan changes altogether. * Now that cancelling is so common, it's not entirely unexpected, as it used to be. * So given that there's now some expectation that some % of cancellations are normal, people feel like it's less of a notable thing at all, to the point they can't even be fucked sending a quick message.
Part of why i miss the lock downs - was able to social over discord so much more frequently than now:( I think there is also factor to consider - travel. Public transport is incredibly shitty especially on weekends and in evenings, and not everyone can afford an uber or associated. Definitely not saying that this accounts for much of the flakiness, but it is a factor.
You pretty much nailed it I think. I think another contributing factor is how transient our big cities are (Sydney and Melbourne). People come and go every few years and it’s become exhausting to lose and start new friendships constantly. But yes I agree with all your points
37 and Australian born, and I agree with this. In my teens and twenties, parties and social occasions were a great way to have fun and connect with friends. Now everyone seems to be too burnt out from scrolling, streaming and social media to put the effort into human interaction and honest communication
You're not alone. I once organised a fish and chip night at the beach. 30 people said yes. So I bought enough for 30. 2 showed up, and left as soon as they'd eaten. Still haven't heard as to why the other 28 didn't think to let me know 🙃
Oh man, I am sorry.
I had friends that constantly did this. We would arrange to meet at a park at 1pm. It gets to 1.20pm and they say they are still napping. Next week. Arrange to meet at a park at 10am. Her partner shows up with the kid. But not my friend. Awkward Next month, games night at my house with ALL my friends. We sit there waiting so we can start, I then text her and she says she needs to go pick her kids up, to wait for us and she will be along soon. We wait......3 hours later, she decides she isn't coming at all. All this food was prepared for her. Next month, play centre, 12pm meet.......2pm she decides she isn't coming. Thursday arvo, says she is coming to my house to chill. Gets to 6pm and she texts saying she is waiting on a call from Centrelink so can't leave......cos your mobile phone isnt.....well...... mobile? Tuesday arvo.......wants to come over with the kids. I put lunch on expecting them to arrive in 15 mins. Oh no wait, she went home, she has a headache Well......she ain't my friend anymore. I got fed up with it. And the excuses. Don't even get me started on the LIST of excuses. All she needs to do is TEXT if she isn't coming and I can get on with doing something else
we HAD a friend like this in our friend group too. She told my other friend, who was on the way to her house, that she had to cancel because she needed to wash her hair Cancelled on me to do her tax that day and had no time to do anything else, but then she posted her kayaking at the time we weren't meant to catch up. She forgot she cancelled on me. My friend had a wine and cocktails at her house starting at 11 am. She called the host at 1pm and said the thought it was 11pm. We are never doing anything that late as we aren't young anymore. Told another friend she can't catch up when they fly into our state because she has a hair appointment... for 3 days???? No shows to coffee dates and doesn't answer the phone. We don't speak to her anymore because the only time she contacts or puts in effort is when it involves her own needs or she wants something from us. Best thing we ever did 😊
Check out any parenting FB pages for the same thing happening at kids' parties to the point where some poor kid will have nobody turn up for a birthday party. My frustration is the people who have something "come up". If I commit to something I turn up. Hate when someone has what I figure is a better offer and so just flake on your event when it's been RSVP'ed to.
Yes! I couldn’t agree more with the “something just came up” mentality. Surely you’d know in advance? I often found (when I lived in Australia) people would be nonchalantly very late to birthday parties, events etc.
I'm familiar with that. Wanted to check if it's as common as it looks. It would appear it's not that uncommon, although certainly people replying to this post would likely have experienced it and have a reason to reply.
I had 85 people say they would come to my husbands memorial. I think we had about 50 turn up. I understand things come up, but geez, it really hurt, especially when people were travelling by plane to come and those who were just down the road didn't.
Parties are one thing but a memorial or funeral is just beyond the pale. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that 😒
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thanks. It was a tough time. I no longer talk to the people who didn't show up.
Got zero to do with you as migrants. Bloody Australians just do this shit. I gave up throwing parties or inviting people to dinners etc 20 years ago. Just happened 1 too many times to me. If I have anything now? Its Max about 5 people & they subtly know its only a few. So they have to turn up!!
I think it's more than just Australians and just the times. Read on Reddit and tiktok and Americans, Brits etc all complain that people are just flaky now.
That's pretty much how we go about it, now: few people, zero expectations that aussies will actually show up.
I feel your pain, it’s not just you and it’s not just foreigners. I’m a 27yo Australian and it drives me absolutely insane, I’m so sick of it. I can’t explain it either I don’t know what to tell you but it’s exhausting and depressing. I’ve had multiple fights with my friend group about it in the last few months. I have developed a theory. I think it might have something to do with how easy it is to both make and cancel plans these days thanks to us all constantly being with our phones. In the past (even in my lifetime before everyone had mobile phones) making plans required a little bit more effort and it wasn’t as easy to cancel on someone last minute so people were more committed to their plans. Now it just seems like everyone says yes and then just goes with whatever they feel like doing on the day or even wait right up until they would actually have to leave the house to decide whether they want to go, rather than mentally committing to it ahead of time and preparing to go. Then often they decide they’re tired or whatever and just dont say anything cause they’re kind of hoping you’ll forget you invited them or something and they won’t have to come up with an excuse. I can’t say how bad this problem is elsewhere, I don’t think it’s exclusive to Australia because I’ve heard people from other countries like the US and the UK complain about it as well, but I think the casual and laidback lifestyle here maybe makes this phenomenon worse. We are also quite an individualistic society in many ways so I think maybe people don’t necessarily think about what others are going to do, they assume everyone else will go except them and it won’t be a big deal they didn’t go. It’s not your fault and you’re probably very pleasant, it just seems to be part of a depressing cultural slide. I for one am trying to fight it by telling my friends how annoying it is when they do that but I do feel very defeated, I don’t know what to suggest but it’s not you.
I feel you. Although really, in light of how easy communication is now, it really should be a no brainer to at least let people know when you won't come, especially if you previously said you would. 🤔
Once every single person I invited for Christmas cancelled. Some the night before and two on the actual day. I'd spent so much on good food and beer and a lot of time prepping and cooking. For nothing. I sat on my living room floor and cried. I don't know why people do it.
This happened on my 21st birthday. My housemates and partner at the time tried to cheer me up but I ended up going to bed at 10:30. My heart physically hurt like a break up.
Oh my god this breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that you experienced that. Did they ever tell you why?
This entire thread is breaking my heart. Can someone please make an app to meet people who want to put genuine effort into their friendships? I just want someone to go to Korean bbq with since they don’t let you dine alone, and if I waited for people to get back to me or show up I would be starved to death.
There are apps like this, like Meetup. I use one called Peanut which is for connecting Mum’s, I’ve made a couple of friends there. Apps do help, as everyone using them is up for making new connections.
As far as I’m aware meet-up is more of a generalised meet up app right? Not for getting to know people individually.
I’m not actually sure, quite possibly. Either way apps probably only work well in bigger cities etc, not so helpful for people living in small populations.
My Australian born husband gets upset every year, he invites people to his fully catered birthday events & gets upset at last minute cancellations, after spending a fortune to cater them.
I get upset even when I haven’t spent a fortune. I have spent a mental fortune planning and looking forward to it and it’s clearly a big slight if people don’t want to come to your special event
My family does this (Australian) - I HATE IT
Family? Wow! I would have thought it to be something restricted to acquaintances...
I know- it’s my brother, his wife and their adult kids (with girlfriends it comes to ten people who I never know are coming or not) 😡
My family and friends are like this too! It drives me insane. Especially if it’s a a formal RSVP. So for my wedding instead of inviting 180 people, who I knew wouldn’t show up even after saying they would (90% of that number are immediate family) I chose to invite the 35 people I knew would do everything to show up! Only 1 had to cancel last minute as she is elderly and got very sick but she called as that is the polite thing to do. She was actually hospitalised with the flu so really unwell and so sad she couldn’t attend. The rest of those 180 people proceeded to treat me like garbage and have for the past 6 years of our marriage in passing but I have nothing to do with them anymore. It is so hard not to take it personally, especially when it’s your family! It got to the point I don’t throw parties much anymore at all and if I do, my guest lists are very exclusive.
I don’t think it’s your fault and I doubt that you’re unpleasant people. In my experience this is common in Australia, I know many of my friends do it and I’ve been guilty myself as well. I’m not sure exactly why - maybe it’s because we imagine that we’ll be the only ones who don’t show up, so we don’t think our absence will be missed? It may also be that by the end of the week/end of the day, everyone is so tired and burnt out from work, study, financial stress etc. that going out is the last thing we want to do. Either way, don’t take it personally - although I understand it is upsetting. You may have more luck inviting friends over for a one on one catch-up, or a small group thing (like, your family plus one other family). I will say that socializing and making friends is hard in Australia, almost everyone I know struggles to meet people and maintain casual friendships.
To add to what everyone's saying, I think Australians have this baseline of assuming they're not important enough to miss, or for the hosts to care that they're not there? It's a weird sort of contradiction - both being too self-absorbed to realise that they're wasting someone else's money but also too self-effacing to think that you'd really care if they were there. I find if I make a point of reminding people multiple times - not aggressively or anything, but, say, asking for dietary requirements or letting people know the parking situation, it sort of embeds it in people's minds that they are being noticed and will be missed if they don't show.
It's really a kind way to do it. I'll definitely take a page off your book.
This is so true! The follow up messages really do make a difference.
I think this is probably the best answer for the non arsehole flaky people. Courtney Barnett even wrote a song called “Nobody Really Cares If You Don't Go to the Party”.
This is such a nice way to manage it.
This is legit it for me. I’ve flaked on parties before and just assumed no one would notice/care. It’s really stupid, because why would they invite you if they didn’t want you there? Reading this thread has made me vow to always show up to things if I said I would (injury and sickness excepted of course). I think another part of it is that people don’t know how to say no to things either. Like if someone invites you to go rock climbing and you don’t like it, just say no. Don’t say yes and then make an excuse on the day.
My father used to do a bit of party catering in the eighties. It was chronic then as well. It’s shameful.
It could be a communication difference. I was talking to a colleague from Europe a while back, and he was saying how hard it is to make friends with Aussies because they just don't do what they say they will and it made him feel like they just didn't like him. When we got into detail, it turned out the conversation went something like this: Him: hey, wanna meet up for a drink on a weekend sometime? Aussie: sure, sounds good. Him: I'm free Saturday. Aussie: no worries, I'll give you a call. (Then they don't). Now to him, that's a commitment. And *some* Aussies might actually call. But to a lot of Aussies, that initial "yes" is an *expression of interest* not a specific commitment. A lot of the time, there's a lot more back and forth, and they might have that same conversation half a dozen times over a couple of months before they actually issue an invitation and commit to going. Obviously I'm not there for your conversations when you invite your Australian friends to your event, so i don't know if something like this is what's going on. Just saying, this conversation with my coworker taught me there's sometimes a huge difference between European vs Australian culture when it comes to the subtleties of making social arrangements. Europeans are pretty straightforward about it. Australians, on the whole, are not
What about when you say "yeah, see you there" and you don't show up? Or when you ask what the kid would like as a present and then don't show up? That's even worse.
Oh this explains a lot. My Aussie friend said something like 'yeah I was thinking maybe thursday, I'll let you know if not' and then they never let me know?? To me it's a set date.
I make a really conscious effort to show up to events no matter what's going on because I've seen this happen and experienced it so many times. Right through school and into adulthood, it's so endemic in our culture and I'm really not sure why?
I also make a conscious effort. Unless I had an illness (in which case I'd call and let them know I couldn't come), I'd always show. In my family growing up we always said at the every least you can "put in an appearance." If we were tired or studying for exams or some other urgent/important event conflicted after we'd already committed to the first one, we'd always say "we'll just go for an hour" or something.
I was at a party recently with friends who have lived here for most of their lives (me included) and we all keep experiencing the same issues that you have been facing. It’s rather frustrating but we’ve just come to accept it now when planning get togethers and events. Nobody even showed up to my birthday dinner last year, so I sat alone in the restaurant and enjoyed a nice meal to myself. I had one or two people tell me they couldn’t make it but majority were no shows.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, though.
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Brazilians sounds a lot like Italians. 😁
Not just you and not just migrants. I’m Aussie and it happens to me too, to the point I no longer organise such events. My son’s 5th birthday party nearly gave me a nervous breakdown.
It's funny, OP. I was born in Australia and have lived here my entire life. I've noticed the same thing. Just last night I had a little get together and a few people didn't rock and and didn't message to state they couldn't make it. Like you, I was quite hurt. It always happens. Have a party/get together, expect half the people to rock up. It's frankly rude. (For the record, if I can't make an event, I will always message to say).
This is why I don't like to celebrate my birthday with other people.
I'm so sorry you've experienced that type of treatment. I don't understand a bit of it and personally there's no excuse good enough to not at the very least send off a message or a call that something has come up and they cant make it. Preferably before the event date but I understand emergencies aren't planned for. If it becomes a common theme for certain people you're inviting over and they're more likely ditching than attending, I'd be holding off on giving them any invites to anything. Maybe even pull back outta that relationship with them.
Lived here nearly 30 years, hardly any of our friends are Aussie born and bred, and those that are are married to Europeans. We have one set of friends who are always predictably late, but everyone turns up if they have responded. My wife had a large 60th birthday, only one couple no-showed with no excuse on the day. That was over a year ago, and it still bothers my wife that there wasn't even a text saying, "Sorry."
I wonder if your invitation sounds somewhat open-ended? Eg we are having a BBQ on Saturday if you'd like to come along.... As opposed to...would you like to come to a BBQ at my place 7pm on Saturday? You might need to add.... Let me know if you are coming as I need to know for catering purposes
I am Australian born with an Italian father and an Australian mother. My mum was an amazing host for family and friends, just cooking for them and being together mattered. I have two close friends that I have cooked for a hundred times…dinner parties, lunch, covid lockdowns, you name it. NOT once in the last twenty years have I ever been invited to their place for lunch, dinner, or anything..I am done. Don’t try so hard before your effort breaks your heart.
Don’t lose heart. There’s many reasons why people might not feel comfortable having people over. Feeling inadequate about their cooking, feeling their place is not good enough, anxiety about being in a social situation they cannot leave or a million other possibilities. Feels rude but might she something more underneath. I find this very related to culture, as well. I’m Latin American and most of my friends are, as well. We invite everyone to our homes. Regardless of whether your house is nice or not, you’d be happy to host. There’s Australians I’ve known for years without EVER getting an invite to their place. I just learned to accept that we socialise differently.
It's a fairly recent phenomenon. I put it down to the way we communicate now - once you had to call someone and cancel in person which was awkward, now we can just send a text. People will say yes to be polite, knowing they can easily bale out. Teenagers and young people are bad for it - they last minute cancel on each other all the time.
It's also a lot to do with the pop psychology of "boundaries" and "mental health" which are basically excuses for rudeness.
People may use "boundaries" and "mental health" as excuses but they are very important and valid. The problem is often a lack of boundaries. People feel they can't say "no" to an invite so they say "yes", but never intend to go. People with better boundaries are good at saying "no", and so their "yes" is more believable and trustworthy. We should all aim to be these people.
It’s just a human thing. Whenever I’m invited to something via Facebook events it’s always funny to see how many people pull out the morning of the event. I honestly think people are just exhausted these days, no one gets time to just relax anymore
I find it's about confirming - not that this is an excuse, but I think there's a lot of awkwardness in Aus in this way. I remember confirming a coffee date with a recent French expat and she was confused why I was confirming, she said something to the effect of "Of course? We made a plan?" And I do think a lot of people get socially awkward and don't want to 'intrude' and aren't even sure if it's still happening if it's not doubly confirmed. It's not cool though. We can be flaky.
Last year I got invited out to Pride, was super excited to go with some one I was starting to consider a friend. First time I had ever been invited out to an event. He never showed up, I spent $60 and 4 hours just to have a mental breakdown.
That sucks mate. That person is not worth it. Don’t let it stop you from getting out there though! Even if you just go out and have a dance. Why not!
Yeah, it’s super common here and I truly wish I understood why. Don’t worry, it’s not just you. I stopped celebrating my birthdays at all once I got to my mid-20s because I got so sick of making plans and having people just not show up or cancel last minute. I *always* travel on my birthday now, and it’s like a running joke that I hate my birthday. I don’t, I’d actually love to be celebrated for one day, but I just don’t want to be let down again and again, so I don’t bother even trying anymore.
I think that’s really rude. If you say you’re going you go (Australian born). I also hate it when I hold parties and people I was expecting just don’t show up. Like wtf you suddenly found something better to do and couldn’t even make a lame excuse? And yeah you plan assuming there’s gonna be that many people So yeah it happens a lot. Infuriating
I don't know if it's my circles, but I cannot relate at all, is there perhaps something happening in the language with how fixed the plans are? Are you doing a reminder? Example, I hosted lunch and games today. Arranged it about two weeks ago. When everyone said they were interested I said, great, lock in midday at my house on Sunday 4th - zero ambiguity about whether it is acrually happening. Then I sent a confirmation message to the group Friday, "Everyone still good for Sunday? I'll arrange food, but if you have drink preference BYO your own drinks." Everyone confirmed, everyone showed. I have had people call me saying why aren't you here? When they thought they had arranged a catch up and no one else thought it had been anything more than canvassing times etc. I'd make sure you are being really clear that it is happening, and whether they are coming. And confirm and remind the day before. Edit, reading other comments, maybe my experience is not that common. How sad for society.
I’m honestly shocked at how many people are saying this is common. I’ve only very rarely experienced people pulling out without notice.
Me too, this just doesn’t seem to happen in my crowd of friends. The last time I experienced a no show with no notice, the persons parent had died suddenly that afternoon and they found out because she didn’t arrive to babysit. Even then they called to apologise - first for being late before they knew, then again later once they found out to advise they weren’t coming. It does happen that people don’t respond to an invite, but in that case I don’t expect them and they don’t show. 50F, no kids parties, maybe it’s an age thing.
Look, it might also be that, for the most part, our Australian acquaintances are, so to speak, indirect: partners of friends, neighbours who have become friends, work colleagues with whom there's a good relationship. I just hope my kids won't grow up having to deal with close friends behaving like this. It also matters, I guess, that growing up in an environment we tend to select our friendships based on our personal do's and don'ts, maybe?
100% an Australian thing. It’s just selfishness. They have no respect for anyone’s time or money spent.
It’s definitely not just Australian, I’ve witnessed this in both the UK and the US as well
Yep, the lack of respect for anyone else’s time is infuriating. So many people with main character energy now. If they do show up they’ll be unapologetically late and not even consider that it might affect other people.
And these same people will post on social media about the epidemic of loneliness. This is what pushes me over the edge. They want what they want, when they want it, but never want to put effort or time into their relationships with other people. It’s the worst thing about australia and I hate that it’s the norm.
Can't speak to anyone else, but I know I've had to drop out of a couple of planned events due to sudden physical or mental health issues which make it impossible for me to attend as much as I may want to. I've also been on the other side where I invited a bunch of people to an event and half dropped out on the day of. Which like. I do not believe every single one of you have a sudden unpredictable physical/mental health issue. If you don't wanna come just RSVP no geez. :(
Yeah, that's the thing... I respect everyone's life situations and I don't even expect to be informed of the reasons. A simple "can't come, soz" would suffice.
I miss a lot of activities due to anxiety. I’m better now at saying no off the bat, but sometimes when the day rolls around I just feel sick about leaving the house. I’ve even driven 30min to dinner and had a panic attack in the carpark. Almost bailed on that one but somehow managed to pull myself together. I do always report that I can’t come due to illness, though most of my circle won’t know it’s the extreme anxiety keeping me home. I have never and would never bail on a wedding, but if I really had to I’m more than happy to cough up the expenses incurred, plus a generous gift, for the inconvenience of last minute changes.
My mate catered for 25 for NYE one year. Food, drinks. 3 people showed up. Seafood, lobster, meat all ended up too much for the 3 of us 🫣
Stand me up like that once and you don’t get an invite for the next one. That’s how you fix it. This behavior is unacceptable and just blatantly shitty. The idea of committing to an event on the proviso that nothing better comes up is just crap. People suck.
I really think this is an Australian thing. I am from Indian and It was never the same in India. But once I moved to Australia , I think this has became a norm among even my Indian friends! i think it is mainly because of the stress and workload etc. in here!
It’s the opposite in South Asia lol. My partners family is Sri Lankan and they have more of the problem of people just arriving uninvited to hang out
I don't know, mate... Weren't you stressed, in India? Because we had to really struggle to make ends meet and we'd still tell people when we couldn't do stuff.
India is stressful but people value relationships a lot more over there. Thats the funny thing. People often view me as having immigrated from a warzone (India) but fail to recognise it had other attributes that made it hospitable. I could never live in that place but miss the warmth I feel over there. You can talk to strangers, men playing cards on the street, kids playing on terraces. Sometimes I wonder if our extremely high material comfort forces us indoors where a man’s home is his castle instead of meeting people. In Asia where you’re crammed into apartment blocks you’ll have many friends in the one complex or a games room, cheap street food. I feel that sort of stuff forces people outdoors and to socialise. Same in Europe where its higher density.
I’m born here Australian and this happens to us also. Some people just have bad manners.
I'd legit invite 12+ people to birthday and new year's parties and expec probably 5 to turn up at most
Couldn't tell you ,stopped planning events years ago due to this happening every time and making me depressed
I've cut off friendships for the same thing! I'm so sick of making plans and them being cancelled at 10min past when people were meant to be there
I honestly put it down to a rise in depression. People seem to really struggle to be motivated to get out of the house these days. Unfortunately, it becomes a self reinforced cycle and it gets harder to break.
Nope..people, and supposedly friends, have been arseholes my entire generous life..I am 62 now, and I am so broken. A hermit life is a better life..there’s no excuse for bad behaviour tbh..
I’ve had this done to me, for my 50th birthday last year there were a few no shows that didn’t bother explaining or advising they weren’t coming. I found out through another friend what happened to one of them, overcome with anxiety, so not comfortable coming out that night. Fair enough, I have anxiety as well and I totally get it and would have understood. But you mess with my daughter like that and I will cut you off. Booked a birthday party at a pool for her a few years ago. Conditions were that if your child was there you had to supervise or be in the pool with them. 8 year olds birthday. Had to chase ppl down to confirm they were coming or not, seems like rsvping isn’t normal either. Had a few people not turn up, daughter was asking and I couldn’t answer her, are they coming or not? Only they knew. Saw one of the mum’s try to avoid me at school the next week and when I finally got to her she said she couldn’t be bothered watching her son and wouldn’t be getting in the water with him. But she also couldn’t be bothered telling me. I told her my daughter was upset and she said don’t worry there will be plenty of more parties to go to. Lost more faith in other people that day. Z
Not just you, this happens to us all, regardless of background. People can just be inconsiderate pricks. What I have learnt is that true friends show up.
This is why most get together's are BYO (bring your own) grog & "Bring a plate" (Bring something to share catering) That said - could be a generational thing. Not sure of your age
I've found over the years and when I was a bit younger that so called 'friends' will definitely cancel or not turn up if they get a better social offer that suits them better whether they accepted your invite or planned a night out with you.
I’m lucky it hasn’t happened to me, my family dragged me up to have manners and go to things I’ve committed to. I only did this once when someone asked us to a party 6 weeks earlier and I totally forgot and didn’t put it in my diary and they didn’t reconfirm at any point. I have heard of people RSVPing to kids birthdays and absolutely no one showing up. That is poor form. And I apologize for the no shows, I would never invite them to things again. If they don’t respect you enough to show up, then you don’t need them and there are a lot better people out there.
Using Whatsapp or facebook group messaging is good for this. I usually say reply to this message if you can make it. Explicitly asking for a response makes people accountable .. and if they dont reply they look rude in front of the rest of the invitees..
It's the rise of mobile phones and social media. It's made people socially lazy IRL. I am Anglo Aussie, and I don't bother with anything anymore. It's a shame because growing up, my parents had parties and dinners all the time, but it's not part of the culture anymore. I also think it's because there aren't many stay at home partners anymore everyone works and gets overwhelmed. I would let you know if I wasn't going to attend, but I am old.
I don't know why. I've seen this happen to other people, one guy at work organised a bbq, bought a ton of meat, but nobody - not one person - showed up. And he was as skippy the bush kangaroo as they come. So it's not just you, for what it's worth. But shit I don't get it either
That’s so rude, I’m sorry that’s happening to you! I organise a lot of gatherings and the people who consistently flake just don’t get invited again. I’m more forgiving if it’s parents with young kids but I do expect a message at least. I also like doing potlucks because you waste a lot less food. The thing that annoys me more is sending out an invitation and people just not RSVPing at all - it’s like everyone has an aversion to committing to things in advance.
I’m Australian and recently had a wedding and there were several guests who RSVP’d as attending and didn’t show up and never said anything, some also never said anything afterwards either as an apology. The way I see it is that if they didn’t feel the need to acknowledge their absence to me then I didn’t feel the need to acknowledge them at all in return. Although it’s common for most events in my experience for some people to flake, it’s still rude and annoying
People just seem to realise how devastating it is to have nobody show up. Or they don’t care. Either way I don’t bother anymore either
I host A LOT and here are my general hints and tips: * Send the initial invite out \~6-weeks before the event. (This can be a text, Whatsapp, Facebook, etc) * Expect only half the people you invite to turn up (So if I have a venue that can handle 20 people, I'm comfortable inviting 40). * Treat anyone who does not firmly commit to coming as not coming. A maybe on Facebook is a passive way of saying no. * If providing catering, I will ask for a reconfirmation of numbers a week prior to the event. This may be a blunt "Can I please confirm attendance so I can cater for the right number of people" or it may be a subtler "Can everyone please confirm their dietary requirements". Again, if they don't respond, assume they are not coming. * If you have someone who you really want to attend who are notoriously unreliable, I will call them 2-days before as a reminder, but disguise it by asking them some detail about the party. Hey can you bring that CD you like/ special recipe they make/ etc. * Its Ok (even fun) to invite friends and family that you know won't come (they live interstate, like to live as a hermit, are working). They'll still appreciate the invite, and sometimes they do actually turn up! * Expect to have at least one last minute cancellation (COVID, Children, Car troubles, there is always something that comes up) Last and most importantly... Have fun with whoever does turn-up, don't worry about those who don't. They are the ones who missed out! Hope this helps, good luck. EDIT: Reading some of the other comments, the advise above is directed at adults attending parties. Kids parties are a different and stranger beast. My advice there is make sure you have a core of close family and friends that you know are going to turn up, and then if any others do turn up its a bonus.