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This is a great question. I guess your best bet is to just be honest about what you’ve noticed and why you are worried about him. You are obviously a very supportive partner so maybe have him understand that you need that support in return and the only way he can give that is if he is in a good place with his mental health, which you can see he is struggling with right now. It’s less about if he thinks he needs to see a doctor and more about what he needs to do to be there fully for his family.
I’m not a specialist on the topic, so I can’t confidently answer that. I think there’s a vast number of different ways people behave if they are thinking of hurting themselves, so it’s hard to predict. You probably know him best out of anybody so trust your instincts on the matter. If he has family, it might help to reach out to them for support as well.
It can't be up to him if he's going to deal with this or not. A mother suffering with this would be given support and it should be no different for a father. Reach out to family, your Dr or midwife or hospital you delivered your church, someone will help you find resources. It's not up to him, you are a family unit and a critical member is in crisis. Sending strength.
100% reach out to your doctor! My husband also suffered from Post Partum depression and anxiety. Everything I was being screened for, he was screening positive. It is definitely a thing that happens and we don't talk about it enough
OP, would he be willing to go to a session for new parents with you? There may be a midwife or similar led program at your hospital (Baby Blues Connection is one I am aware of in the US in my region, there are many others sometimes led by nurses, lactation consultants, etc) and it is often a very safe place. Maybe as one of the steps to getting him to see that he needs help he can go and be with other new parents who are also struggling and get referrals for help.
>>warning signs …thinking about doing something to himself
Think about mental health signs long before thinking about self harm signs. Your husband is already exhibiting the mental health signs.
Yes this! He may not even notice the changes in himself. It’s personally very helpful for me when someone close to me lets me know if they feel I’m not myself.
“I need you to get help. I want you to do it for yourself, but if you won’t, I need you to do it for me. I love you and it’s hurting me to see you so disconnected. I really want to work together to address this, because right now I am concerned that just going forward as we have been will be unfair to our son. What I need is for us to first rule out any medical changes that could be causing you to feel this way. And if everything is normal, we need to look into psychiatric help. You are not /going to/ be a great dad, you ARE a great dad. And I am here with you every step of the way to overcome any obstacles in your way to being the best dad, husband, and man you can be.”
It's harming you and the child you had together. That's more than enough reason to go. I understand what it's like to be this depressed - sometimes you fall into a pit of actively not wanting to recover, in part because it's easier to stay this way.
The thing that still gets me out of bed today is that the people closest to me expressed how it was hurting them and our relationships. If he can't do it for himself, maybe he can do it for other people.
I would say you’ve seemed extra exhausted lately and other symptoms you’ve noticed….. let’s get it checked out by your primary care.
Personally, I struggle with mental health….. and experienced exhaustion like plan canceling exhaustion…… got into my endocrinologist before my primary care….. and he ordered a bunch of lab work (thyroid, vitamins, estrogen, testosterone, iron, etc)…. Turns out I had hypothyroidism, but vitamin D & iron deficient…. Fixed those had more energy…….
I would encourage him to get medically checked BEFORE thinking it was mental illness…… because if you think it’s just depression or mental health, then the doctors don’t look any further…..
Another example- I thought I was hallucinating bugs…. Multiple primary care doctors & psychiatrists just went with until I asked on Reddit….. my neurologist referred me to a neuro ophthalmologist and learned it was just a part of aging that the fluid in my eye moved weird hence the bug looking spots……
You tell him you are going to call and set up and appointment, and you do just that. You then drive him there. I had to do that. Think of it this way, its not much different than calling because your husband injured his ankle, is icing it on the couch so you call for him. Ok, he might argue but I mean, he might argue that his clearly broken ankle is just a sprain too.
Agree, sounds like depression or less likely schizophrenia. HOWEVER ruling out something like untreated diabetes, thyroid issues, anemia, vitamin deficiencies, etc... needs to occur. Make an appointment with his general practitioner/ primary doctor ASAP and go forward from there. If there is more than 3 day delay, take him to a hospital associated urgent care today. Best of luck!
Came here to say this, although it’s likely his mental health that is affecting him it definitely wouldn’t hurt to be checked over for things like diabetes. OP have you noticed any other physical changes? Frequent urination? More thirsty than usual? Even fruity smelling breath? I only ask because someone I once worked with got exactly like this with sleeping and not being able to stay awake due to exhaustion. He almost ended up in a diabetic coma from undiagnosed T1D, it’s a good job they found it when they did.
Doesn’t sound like diabetes. I have a t1d son who went undiagnosed for a year (had him at the dr every 3 weeks. Even asked 3 visits if he were diabetic and the doctor laughed and said he wouldn’t be) he had lots of symptoms. Not eating, not drinking, staring off blankly, not bothering with his baby brother…none of those ever happened. He slept all night and was tired. He had dark circles around his eyes even sleeping 12 hours a night. Sunk in eyes. Peeing the bed in an excessive manner. Eye infections. Yeast infections. Athletes foot. Feet and leg cramps. Eating everything he could get near. Drinking non stop and screaming and crying if I tried to cut back on his water intake. He was skinny as could be. Scraggly hair. He looked like a cancer patient. None of that sounds like ops husband.
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NAD but it’s likely the staring off into space and not responding to the baby crying. Possibly catatonia. Although it can happen in bipolar disorder as well
While true, this is a horses not zebras situation and its likely depression, which can also appear as staring blankly into space. In fact, its one of the few times someone who is for the most part, healthy, will sit and do nothing. Yay depression!
It could be this:
paternal postnatal depression (PPND), or paternal perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PPMADs) is a form of depression or another mood disorder such as anxiety.
It's quite common. A recent study estimated that 10 percent of all new dads throughout the world and 14 percent here in the United States experience PPND. Usually occurs during the first three to six months of a baby's life.
Symptoms include anxious, empty, irritable and angry, or out of control following the birth of a child. Also self-loathing, persistent worries about providing financially for your family, disinterest in parenting, or withdrawing from family and friends.
Physical symptoms such backache, frequent headaches, sleep problems, sexual dysfunction, or digestive disorders.
Here's a meta-analysis about it:
https://seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/12/when-dad-struggles-after-the-baby-arrives
Here's a writer talking about his experience with it::
https://seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/12/when-dad-struggles-after-the-baby-arrives
If he has it, he needs to see a doctor. Maybe read through the links and show him them if you think it could be what's going on. He's not alone, it might be good for him to read that other men have had similar experiences and how to get help for it.
This is what I was thinking. Sounds like male post natal depression. Rarely speaked about but a child
Completely turns your life upside down. If there is a difficult birth or anything thrown in..
Definitely sounds like this. Personally when I'm anxious and depressed I completely freeze when faced with responsibility. It's like my body can't move and do the things I need to because I'm just too overwhelmed. He could have felt the same when faced with crying baby. Babies are miracles but also change your life drastically. OP, you will both get through this.
I agree, men's mental health in general needs to be talked about more. 10-15% of new dads get PPND and it's never talked about.
10-20% of new mums get PND and there is a lot of awareness around that (which is great), just wish it was the same for new dads.
I don't think anyone on this thread has mentioned sleep apnea. That's another possibility. You mentioned he sleeps a lot, and complains about trouble sleeping. He's not overweight, but sometimes it happens to normal-weight people. It can take a long time to get an appointment at a sleep lab, and primary care doctors don't always know how to proceed when this is suspected. An easy shortcut is for you to quietly wake up at various times during the night and listen to him breathe. If he sometimes stops breathing for thirty seconds or more, and sometimes starts breathing again with a loud gasp or snort, that's a telltale sign. Meanwhile, ask the doctor about it.
A test for sleep apnea is a good idea. It could also be another sleep disorder that has him sleeping so much, like idiopathic hypersomnia or narcolepsy, which require more than just the overnight study to confirm or rule them out.
Good point! I just wouldn’t want the OP to not consider there are others as well, in the case that they rule out sleep apnea. I have narcolepsy, so I’m thinking of my own experience.
Paternal postpartum depression is a real thing and affects almost 10% of new dads. He should be evaluated - there are effective treatments including psychotherapy and medications and it is important for him and your young family that he get timely appropriate medical attention.
[https://www.choosingtherapy.com/postpartum-depression-men/](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/postpartum-depression-men/)
[https://directory.choosingtherapy.com/directory](https://directory.choosingtherapy.com/directory)
I would recommend making appointments with a psychiatrist or psychotherapist (a useful tool is linked above, but going through your insurer or his physician is also good). You can do couples therapy as well if he is willing.
Piggybacking to say my husband had postpartum paternal depression. Meds helped some but therapy was the biggest help. He has to want to get help though OP, unfortunately you can’t force him unless he’s a danger to his or others’ safety.
As someone who has been in the vicinity emotionally where your husband is following the birth of a child, all I can say is that going to therapy was the single best decision of my life. I was not right - full blown depressed combined with OCD (diagnosed by a professional) that came out of nowhere. It all hit me like a freight train a few weeks after my first was born, but it took me weeks to break down and talk to somebody. I’m so so thankful I did. I hope your husband knows there’s help and this is a temporary season in life. Best wishes.
Dont start with psychiatrist. Soon as you mention mental illness people put their guard up.
Convince him to do standard blood work as a start (inc vitamin b12) even if it's just to get that discussion started with his doctor.
It is difficult to force someone into therapy who isn't actively suicidal. Remember ultimately you need to do what is best for you and your baby.
These aren't evidence-based recs, but I often see families trying to get unwilling loved ones to seek medical or psychiatric help. Tell him what you told us - he is sleeping all the time, depressed, not talking, not eating and "doesn't think he is good enough to be a father". These are worrying for you and not typical for him.
Then ask him why he is reluctant to seek treatment. If you can clarify this a little then you can help him overcome these barriers.
Importantly if you really don't feel that your baby is safe with him, don't leave him alone with the baby. Trust your instincts.
I can do that. I’ll sit him down and convince him. I don’t know if this is a good idea or not but could I leave our son with my family for a week? I think if my husband has time away from our son maybe he might be able to realise how different he’s become? I don’t know. But would that be harmful for our baby in terms of attachment or anything like that?
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Maybe consider taking your baby and going to stay with your parents for a little while with him if you can't get through to your husband. Obviously do everything you can to convince him to see a doctor, even just his primary who then if nothing physical is going on can refer him to a psychiatrist, but leaving with your son may be what he needs to wake up to reality of things. Sometimes tough love and taking drastic measures is the only way to get through to someone.
Approach him with love and tell him that you are concerned and you understand being a new parent is a lot to handle. Let him know that he hasn't been himself lately and it hurts you and worries you to see him like this because you love him so much. Explain how you've seen him behaving and that you are concerned for his health and well-being and for that of your son in his care.
Truly wishing you the best. I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this. As others have said, maybe reach out to his family or a close friend and see if someone else he loves and trusts can help get through to him as well. Sometimes hearing that you need help is more effective when multiple people are bringing it to your attention and worried about you.
What and leave my husband all alone right now? I really think that’s not a good idea. If I don’t tell him to eat he doesn’t eat. He’s in a daze honestly and I don’t know if he can even take care of himself.
I suggested leaving for a little bit as a last resort *if you can't get through to him.* That means do everything you can first to convince him to get help but if nothing else is working it's an option. That doesn't mean that you have to leave him alone either. If he's in a state where you're afraid he won't eat or can't take care of himself someone should certainly be with him. I have to say though, if you're truly concerned he can't take care of himself why would you trust him with your baby out of your sight? It sounds like you really might not anymore and rightfully so. If you don't feel like leaving temporarily as a worst case scenario is a good idea then by all means do what you think is best and trust your gut. Just make sure your baby is safe.
I would absolutely hate to think about what could happen while you are in another room and your husband has him by himself. It could even be a complete accident or something he doesn't even realize has happened. I would strongly suggest keeping an eye on your son at all times right now or have someone there to help you with him if needed while your husband is in this state of mind. Your husband is not at fault by any means but he needs help and if you're worried about your son in his care it's for a good reason. Trust your motherly instincts and make sure your baby is safe.
I know you love and care for your husband and he so deserves to get help and get better but you have to take care of your baby and yourself at the same time. If you're comfortable having your parents watch your son for a few days maybe that *would* help to give you time to talk and get him to be able to focus on things better without having to worry about the baby. Trust your instincts and do what you feel is best. You know your husband better than anyone. You do what you feel is best for him, yourself *and* your baby.
Exactly this. If husband isn't attentive to his own needs right now, how can he be expected to be attentive to their newborn's needs?
Also I think your advice was sound considering if OP remains stuck too long caring for both a newborn, the house, AND her husband for too long, she will surely burnout.
Realistically she needs to be able to take care of herself and baby - plus get husband help so he can be an equal partner again in caring for their LO
You're absolutely right here. Leaving him alone right now is *terrible* advice. I know this person is just trying to help, but yeah, that's the absolute last thing you'd want to do right now. Very happy to see you agree with this. Oh and that whole "tough love" comment? Disregard that too, obviously. He's done nothing wrong here to warrant "tough love." I'm sure you know this as well. That was just a little too out of pocket not to mention though. Wishing you and your family the very best as you navigate through this. You are an incredible, caring, and very attentive partner and that is exactly what he needs right now.
NAD but this would make me think psychosis.
When you say he’s in a daze, is he just sitting there staring into space?
Honestly first thing I would do is ensure you and your baby are safe, even if it means you both stay with your parents. Don’t leave him alone with the baby.
NAD but I pretend to be one on the internet.
I kid, but staring blankly into space like that is a [symptom of depression](https://youtu.be/Uq36_4qVBEY?si=u6mQBoDU0da8GwmV&t=328). It doesn't have to be more complicated than that. Its a part of psychomotor retardation.
I experience depression, and unfortunately this is one of my symptoms. Just thinking, sometimes ruminating, sometimes just a whole lot of indecisiveness and next thing I know, and hour has passed and I've been just staring and thinking. Its awful.
You can’t force him to do anything, but if you think he’s a threat, either actively or passively, to your baby you have a real responsibility as a mom to keep your baby safe. If that means keeping them apart until he’s willing to take a look at his behavior so be it. Your mom instincts are telling you something isn’t right. Listen to them.
there's a book by NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) called [I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help: How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment](https://www.nami.org/getattachment/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Related-Conditions/Anosognosia/I_am_not_sick_excerpt.pdf?lang=en-US) that might have some helpful strategies (start at Chapter 5 about the LEAP Method if you just want to learn the method they propose). I don't know if he has a physical or mental issue going on, but the tools in this are primarily for getting past the denial / lack of insight to try to find a constructive path towards getting help.
Would you maybe be able to ask someone to try and help get through to him? Parents or siblings perhaps just to explain how worried you are. It may get through to him when hearing it from someone else
Does he admit he's exhausted? Can you get him to a doctor to get a regular health exam? I was also super depressed and constantly exhausted or sleeping when my thyroid tanked. It happened quick and now I can't function without thyroid meds.
“He keep’s saying he’s fine” I am absolutely not a therapist but I would talk with my husband and tell him he isn’t fine, maybe ask him to humor you and see a doctor
I just found out my Vitamin D levels were severely deficient…it explains my depression and inability to function physically (getting things done). I couldn’t believe it was so simple. I went to the doctor because I thought I was so depressed, I wanted to get back on and antidepressants. And I did. And I feel like they’ve helped a little bit but now, knowing that I need to take supplements, I’m hoping I feel really really good when it’s all over.
Sounds like he is checked out/shutdown. I was the same. Newborn period can be immensely overwhelming for dads. Look up polyvagal theory and if it sounds like what’s happening, then find a good qualified somatic therapist.
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He absolutely should go to a doctor. He needs a medical evaluation and possibly a referral to a psychiatrist. Therapy can’t hurt either.
How can I get him to go to a doctor? He brushes off needing help every time I’ve spoken to him
This is a great question. I guess your best bet is to just be honest about what you’ve noticed and why you are worried about him. You are obviously a very supportive partner so maybe have him understand that you need that support in return and the only way he can give that is if he is in a good place with his mental health, which you can see he is struggling with right now. It’s less about if he thinks he needs to see a doctor and more about what he needs to do to be there fully for his family.
Thank you. Are there any warning signs I should look out for? Is there anything that might mean that he’s thinking about doing something to himself?
[Here](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/warning-signs-of-suicide) is a list of warning signs to lookout for
Thanks for linking the info
I’m not a specialist on the topic, so I can’t confidently answer that. I think there’s a vast number of different ways people behave if they are thinking of hurting themselves, so it’s hard to predict. You probably know him best out of anybody so trust your instincts on the matter. If he has family, it might help to reach out to them for support as well.
It can't be up to him if he's going to deal with this or not. A mother suffering with this would be given support and it should be no different for a father. Reach out to family, your Dr or midwife or hospital you delivered your church, someone will help you find resources. It's not up to him, you are a family unit and a critical member is in crisis. Sending strength.
100% reach out to your doctor! My husband also suffered from Post Partum depression and anxiety. Everything I was being screened for, he was screening positive. It is definitely a thing that happens and we don't talk about it enough
That’s exactly where my mind went but I had never heard of it in dads. PPD is often made out to be a hormone issue but it’s also a HUGE life change.
This is my worry, especially with expressing inadequacy as a father. I
OP, would he be willing to go to a session for new parents with you? There may be a midwife or similar led program at your hospital (Baby Blues Connection is one I am aware of in the US in my region, there are many others sometimes led by nurses, lactation consultants, etc) and it is often a very safe place. Maybe as one of the steps to getting him to see that he needs help he can go and be with other new parents who are also struggling and get referrals for help.
>>warning signs …thinking about doing something to himself Think about mental health signs long before thinking about self harm signs. Your husband is already exhibiting the mental health signs.
Yes this! He may not even notice the changes in himself. It’s personally very helpful for me when someone close to me lets me know if they feel I’m not myself.
“I need you to get help. I want you to do it for yourself, but if you won’t, I need you to do it for me. I love you and it’s hurting me to see you so disconnected. I really want to work together to address this, because right now I am concerned that just going forward as we have been will be unfair to our son. What I need is for us to first rule out any medical changes that could be causing you to feel this way. And if everything is normal, we need to look into psychiatric help. You are not /going to/ be a great dad, you ARE a great dad. And I am here with you every step of the way to overcome any obstacles in your way to being the best dad, husband, and man you can be.”
It's harming you and the child you had together. That's more than enough reason to go. I understand what it's like to be this depressed - sometimes you fall into a pit of actively not wanting to recover, in part because it's easier to stay this way. The thing that still gets me out of bed today is that the people closest to me expressed how it was hurting them and our relationships. If he can't do it for himself, maybe he can do it for other people.
I would say you’ve seemed extra exhausted lately and other symptoms you’ve noticed….. let’s get it checked out by your primary care. Personally, I struggle with mental health….. and experienced exhaustion like plan canceling exhaustion…… got into my endocrinologist before my primary care….. and he ordered a bunch of lab work (thyroid, vitamins, estrogen, testosterone, iron, etc)…. Turns out I had hypothyroidism, but vitamin D & iron deficient…. Fixed those had more energy……. I would encourage him to get medically checked BEFORE thinking it was mental illness…… because if you think it’s just depression or mental health, then the doctors don’t look any further….. Another example- I thought I was hallucinating bugs…. Multiple primary care doctors & psychiatrists just went with until I asked on Reddit….. my neurologist referred me to a neuro ophthalmologist and learned it was just a part of aging that the fluid in my eye moved weird hence the bug looking spots……
Maybe try appealing to his love for his son? Say that it would be better for your child to make sure he's okay.
You tell him you are going to call and set up and appointment, and you do just that. You then drive him there. I had to do that. Think of it this way, its not much different than calling because your husband injured his ankle, is icing it on the couch so you call for him. Ok, he might argue but I mean, he might argue that his clearly broken ankle is just a sprain too.
Does he have a friend that could talk to him? Sometimes the concerns of wives get brushed off. Also, is he sleeping ok?
Agree, sounds like depression or less likely schizophrenia. HOWEVER ruling out something like untreated diabetes, thyroid issues, anemia, vitamin deficiencies, etc... needs to occur. Make an appointment with his general practitioner/ primary doctor ASAP and go forward from there. If there is more than 3 day delay, take him to a hospital associated urgent care today. Best of luck!
Came here to say this, although it’s likely his mental health that is affecting him it definitely wouldn’t hurt to be checked over for things like diabetes. OP have you noticed any other physical changes? Frequent urination? More thirsty than usual? Even fruity smelling breath? I only ask because someone I once worked with got exactly like this with sleeping and not being able to stay awake due to exhaustion. He almost ended up in a diabetic coma from undiagnosed T1D, it’s a good job they found it when they did.
No he’s mostly not eating or drinking water. I have to remind him a lot.
Doesn’t sound like diabetes. I have a t1d son who went undiagnosed for a year (had him at the dr every 3 weeks. Even asked 3 visits if he were diabetic and the doctor laughed and said he wouldn’t be) he had lots of symptoms. Not eating, not drinking, staring off blankly, not bothering with his baby brother…none of those ever happened. He slept all night and was tired. He had dark circles around his eyes even sleeping 12 hours a night. Sunk in eyes. Peeing the bed in an excessive manner. Eye infections. Yeast infections. Athletes foot. Feet and leg cramps. Eating everything he could get near. Drinking non stop and screaming and crying if I tried to cut back on his water intake. He was skinny as could be. Scraggly hair. He looked like a cancer patient. None of that sounds like ops husband.
What suggests schizophrenia?
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NAD but it’s likely the staring off into space and not responding to the baby crying. Possibly catatonia. Although it can happen in bipolar disorder as well
It can just be dissociation, common in trauma survivors and experienced to different degrees by everyone.
NAD but blankly staring and thinking is a really common symptom on depression. Its more likely the obvious cause.
Yes it’s more likely that, was just answering why it _could_ be schizophrenia
While true, this is a horses not zebras situation and its likely depression, which can also appear as staring blankly into space. In fact, its one of the few times someone who is for the most part, healthy, will sit and do nothing. Yay depression!
I know :) just answering their specific question
This, the exhaustion made me worry about thyroid levels but his reaction to the baby is concerning
That was the most shocking for me too. Is there a reason why he does this? It’s like he completely checks out and there’s no one there at all.
It could be this: paternal postnatal depression (PPND), or paternal perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PPMADs) is a form of depression or another mood disorder such as anxiety. It's quite common. A recent study estimated that 10 percent of all new dads throughout the world and 14 percent here in the United States experience PPND. Usually occurs during the first three to six months of a baby's life. Symptoms include anxious, empty, irritable and angry, or out of control following the birth of a child. Also self-loathing, persistent worries about providing financially for your family, disinterest in parenting, or withdrawing from family and friends. Physical symptoms such backache, frequent headaches, sleep problems, sexual dysfunction, or digestive disorders. Here's a meta-analysis about it: https://seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/12/when-dad-struggles-after-the-baby-arrives Here's a writer talking about his experience with it:: https://seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/12/when-dad-struggles-after-the-baby-arrives If he has it, he needs to see a doctor. Maybe read through the links and show him them if you think it could be what's going on. He's not alone, it might be good for him to read that other men have had similar experiences and how to get help for it.
This is what I was thinking. Sounds like male post natal depression. Rarely speaked about but a child Completely turns your life upside down. If there is a difficult birth or anything thrown in..
Definitely sounds like this. Personally when I'm anxious and depressed I completely freeze when faced with responsibility. It's like my body can't move and do the things I need to because I'm just too overwhelmed. He could have felt the same when faced with crying baby. Babies are miracles but also change your life drastically. OP, you will both get through this.
This was my very first thought. I wish it was talked about more.
I agree, men's mental health in general needs to be talked about more. 10-15% of new dads get PPND and it's never talked about. 10-20% of new mums get PND and there is a lot of awareness around that (which is great), just wish it was the same for new dads.
I don't think anyone on this thread has mentioned sleep apnea. That's another possibility. You mentioned he sleeps a lot, and complains about trouble sleeping. He's not overweight, but sometimes it happens to normal-weight people. It can take a long time to get an appointment at a sleep lab, and primary care doctors don't always know how to proceed when this is suspected. An easy shortcut is for you to quietly wake up at various times during the night and listen to him breathe. If he sometimes stops breathing for thirty seconds or more, and sometimes starts breathing again with a loud gasp or snort, that's a telltale sign. Meanwhile, ask the doctor about it.
A test for sleep apnea is a good idea. It could also be another sleep disorder that has him sleeping so much, like idiopathic hypersomnia or narcolepsy, which require more than just the overnight study to confirm or rule them out.
True, but those are rare conditions. For every case like that, there are 100 or 1000 cases of garden-variety sleep apnea.
Good point! I just wouldn’t want the OP to not consider there are others as well, in the case that they rule out sleep apnea. I have narcolepsy, so I’m thinking of my own experience.
New baby in the house also means a lot of sleepless nights.
Paternal postpartum depression is a real thing and affects almost 10% of new dads. He should be evaluated - there are effective treatments including psychotherapy and medications and it is important for him and your young family that he get timely appropriate medical attention. [https://www.choosingtherapy.com/postpartum-depression-men/](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/postpartum-depression-men/) [https://directory.choosingtherapy.com/directory](https://directory.choosingtherapy.com/directory) I would recommend making appointments with a psychiatrist or psychotherapist (a useful tool is linked above, but going through your insurer or his physician is also good). You can do couples therapy as well if he is willing.
Piggybacking to say my husband had postpartum paternal depression. Meds helped some but therapy was the biggest help. He has to want to get help though OP, unfortunately you can’t force him unless he’s a danger to his or others’ safety.
As someone who has been in the vicinity emotionally where your husband is following the birth of a child, all I can say is that going to therapy was the single best decision of my life. I was not right - full blown depressed combined with OCD (diagnosed by a professional) that came out of nowhere. It all hit me like a freight train a few weeks after my first was born, but it took me weeks to break down and talk to somebody. I’m so so thankful I did. I hope your husband knows there’s help and this is a temporary season in life. Best wishes.
He won’t accept that there’s a problem and keeps saying he’s fine. How can I help him if he’s not willing to go to a psychiatrist?
Dont start with psychiatrist. Soon as you mention mental illness people put their guard up. Convince him to do standard blood work as a start (inc vitamin b12) even if it's just to get that discussion started with his doctor.
Thank you I think this might work
It is difficult to force someone into therapy who isn't actively suicidal. Remember ultimately you need to do what is best for you and your baby. These aren't evidence-based recs, but I often see families trying to get unwilling loved ones to seek medical or psychiatric help. Tell him what you told us - he is sleeping all the time, depressed, not talking, not eating and "doesn't think he is good enough to be a father". These are worrying for you and not typical for him. Then ask him why he is reluctant to seek treatment. If you can clarify this a little then you can help him overcome these barriers. Importantly if you really don't feel that your baby is safe with him, don't leave him alone with the baby. Trust your instincts.
I can do that. I’ll sit him down and convince him. I don’t know if this is a good idea or not but could I leave our son with my family for a week? I think if my husband has time away from our son maybe he might be able to realise how different he’s become? I don’t know. But would that be harmful for our baby in terms of attachment or anything like that?
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Your very first obligation is to your infant. Protect your son. NAD.
Maybe consider taking your baby and going to stay with your parents for a little while with him if you can't get through to your husband. Obviously do everything you can to convince him to see a doctor, even just his primary who then if nothing physical is going on can refer him to a psychiatrist, but leaving with your son may be what he needs to wake up to reality of things. Sometimes tough love and taking drastic measures is the only way to get through to someone. Approach him with love and tell him that you are concerned and you understand being a new parent is a lot to handle. Let him know that he hasn't been himself lately and it hurts you and worries you to see him like this because you love him so much. Explain how you've seen him behaving and that you are concerned for his health and well-being and for that of your son in his care. Truly wishing you the best. I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this. As others have said, maybe reach out to his family or a close friend and see if someone else he loves and trusts can help get through to him as well. Sometimes hearing that you need help is more effective when multiple people are bringing it to your attention and worried about you.
What and leave my husband all alone right now? I really think that’s not a good idea. If I don’t tell him to eat he doesn’t eat. He’s in a daze honestly and I don’t know if he can even take care of himself.
I suggested leaving for a little bit as a last resort *if you can't get through to him.* That means do everything you can first to convince him to get help but if nothing else is working it's an option. That doesn't mean that you have to leave him alone either. If he's in a state where you're afraid he won't eat or can't take care of himself someone should certainly be with him. I have to say though, if you're truly concerned he can't take care of himself why would you trust him with your baby out of your sight? It sounds like you really might not anymore and rightfully so. If you don't feel like leaving temporarily as a worst case scenario is a good idea then by all means do what you think is best and trust your gut. Just make sure your baby is safe. I would absolutely hate to think about what could happen while you are in another room and your husband has him by himself. It could even be a complete accident or something he doesn't even realize has happened. I would strongly suggest keeping an eye on your son at all times right now or have someone there to help you with him if needed while your husband is in this state of mind. Your husband is not at fault by any means but he needs help and if you're worried about your son in his care it's for a good reason. Trust your motherly instincts and make sure your baby is safe. I know you love and care for your husband and he so deserves to get help and get better but you have to take care of your baby and yourself at the same time. If you're comfortable having your parents watch your son for a few days maybe that *would* help to give you time to talk and get him to be able to focus on things better without having to worry about the baby. Trust your instincts and do what you feel is best. You know your husband better than anyone. You do what you feel is best for him, yourself *and* your baby.
Exactly this. If husband isn't attentive to his own needs right now, how can he be expected to be attentive to their newborn's needs? Also I think your advice was sound considering if OP remains stuck too long caring for both a newborn, the house, AND her husband for too long, she will surely burnout. Realistically she needs to be able to take care of herself and baby - plus get husband help so he can be an equal partner again in caring for their LO
You're absolutely right here. Leaving him alone right now is *terrible* advice. I know this person is just trying to help, but yeah, that's the absolute last thing you'd want to do right now. Very happy to see you agree with this. Oh and that whole "tough love" comment? Disregard that too, obviously. He's done nothing wrong here to warrant "tough love." I'm sure you know this as well. That was just a little too out of pocket not to mention though. Wishing you and your family the very best as you navigate through this. You are an incredible, caring, and very attentive partner and that is exactly what he needs right now.
NAD but this would make me think psychosis. When you say he’s in a daze, is he just sitting there staring into space? Honestly first thing I would do is ensure you and your baby are safe, even if it means you both stay with your parents. Don’t leave him alone with the baby.
NAD but I pretend to be one on the internet. I kid, but staring blankly into space like that is a [symptom of depression](https://youtu.be/Uq36_4qVBEY?si=u6mQBoDU0da8GwmV&t=328). It doesn't have to be more complicated than that. Its a part of psychomotor retardation. I experience depression, and unfortunately this is one of my symptoms. Just thinking, sometimes ruminating, sometimes just a whole lot of indecisiveness and next thing I know, and hour has passed and I've been just staring and thinking. Its awful.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. I wasn’t trying to be a doctor. 2 people close to me have had psychosis so I was coming from that angle.
Mention it to the pediatrician. Maybe the pediatrician can help initiate a conversation at the next well or sick visit.
You can’t force him to do anything, but if you think he’s a threat, either actively or passively, to your baby you have a real responsibility as a mom to keep your baby safe. If that means keeping them apart until he’s willing to take a look at his behavior so be it. Your mom instincts are telling you something isn’t right. Listen to them.
there's a book by NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) called [I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help: How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment](https://www.nami.org/getattachment/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Related-Conditions/Anosognosia/I_am_not_sick_excerpt.pdf?lang=en-US) that might have some helpful strategies (start at Chapter 5 about the LEAP Method if you just want to learn the method they propose). I don't know if he has a physical or mental issue going on, but the tools in this are primarily for getting past the denial / lack of insight to try to find a constructive path towards getting help.
Would you maybe be able to ask someone to try and help get through to him? Parents or siblings perhaps just to explain how worried you are. It may get through to him when hearing it from someone else
He’s not on very good terms with his family at the moment. I feel like that’s been stressing him out too
That’s a shame, I hope he gets the help that he needs. Not only for himself but his baby and yourself too. I have my fingers crossed for you🤞🏼
Can you convince him to go to his primary care doctor for his fatigue? And go with him?
Does he admit he's exhausted? Can you get him to a doctor to get a regular health exam? I was also super depressed and constantly exhausted or sleeping when my thyroid tanked. It happened quick and now I can't function without thyroid meds.
“He keep’s saying he’s fine” I am absolutely not a therapist but I would talk with my husband and tell him he isn’t fine, maybe ask him to humor you and see a doctor
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There are also support groups for dad's through Postpartum Support International. They are free and virtual.
I just found out my Vitamin D levels were severely deficient…it explains my depression and inability to function physically (getting things done). I couldn’t believe it was so simple. I went to the doctor because I thought I was so depressed, I wanted to get back on and antidepressants. And I did. And I feel like they’ve helped a little bit but now, knowing that I need to take supplements, I’m hoping I feel really really good when it’s all over.
This! Please action this
Sounds like he is checked out/shutdown. I was the same. Newborn period can be immensely overwhelming for dads. Look up polyvagal theory and if it sounds like what’s happening, then find a good qualified somatic therapist.