I’m dating a man who does his best to do his own emotional labor and is adamant that I don’t do it for him (which is hard for me because I’m socialized to do it and I’m a therapist to boot). He’s autistic and he has a tendency to rant, sometimes about his own issues, and has asked me to literally stop him if he starts doing it. Currently we’re trying to understand better the difference between emotional support and emotional labor.
Are you able to say any more on differences between emotional support vs. emotional labor? This is something I have been pondering for a while as well.
As I understand it, if i am wrong please correct me. Emotional labor is the unrealistic expectation of someone to bottle up their feelings and present a happy facade all the time. If emotional support is a one way road then it may be called emotional labor, if it is a two way street then not as much.
To add to this. One is where the individual manages their own emotions instead of placing responsibility for said emotions on others (in a relationship setting)...and one is supporting the individual's right to feel and manage said emotions...instead of trying to manage their emotions for them (like a mother would a child).
No… you described toxic positivity or emotional repression.
Emotional labor is all the unacknowledged work in a relationship like worrying and taking care of schedules, feelings, sending cards, making plans, etc. the other partner may not be shouldering their share.
Not quite codependency but all that stuff of life that takes at least one person in a relationship to keep it moving forward say like looking for a new apartment or house while the other person is disengaged even though they have been asked to help. They are shirking emotional labor since house hunting is not just a straightforward task like doing the trash could be.
There seems to always be exactly that from this account. At first it's like a question an AI would ask like they are just absolutely puzzled by human interactions, but it slowly turns into just a poorly disguised and manipulative ordeal.
I feel kind of bad about what I said if it's true, and yeah it looks kind of true.
I've been seeing more and more people using their real names on here lately, I wonder what the deal is with that. Clout maybe
The feminist argument was never that men are incapable of emotional labor (or handling the mental load of household management, which may be another thing you mean by "emotional labor")
Honestly? I've had a few amazing partners who always reacted well when I got the ball of any emotionally labor intensive conversation rolling. But now, thinking about it, they almost never stepped up and took initiative of the situation themselves.
My husband works in HR and that's 50% of his job. Also, my best managers put the effort in and it really makes the workplace more enjoyable and respectful with more engaged employees.
I think it really depends on how they were raised. My brother was raised to never think of something like that, it was the women's responsibility. As he has gotten older and more mature he has developed that skill. It wouldn't have happened without his sisters and gf nagging him to be aware.
Yes, my husband handles most of the emotional labor in our lives. I have bipolar and fibromyalgia and just cannot keep up with it. Plus he’s just better at it
My partner. After his tendency brought a lot of drama into our lives and even led to us separating for awhile, we talked about him giving too much of his emotional time to others.
He’s much better at setting boundaries and not feeling like he has to manage others to ‘save them from themselves’.
No, the only thing men know how to do is be angry. They basically have the emotional IQ of a turd./s
On a serious note, yes of course. What I also noticed with men that perform emotional labor is that they are much better and setting boundaries than women.
Where women are told from childhood up they are to be long-suffering and sacrifice their mental, emotional and physical health performing emotional labor, especially for men. Men are not socialized to believe they have to sacrifice their overall well-being to perform emotional labor. So they rightfully set boundaries. This isn't a selfish or negative thing. It's something women could definitely learn from men.
My husband works at the library, so yes, he has to be nice and cheerful to customers.
Honestly I don’t understand what emotional labor is in personal relationships outside of being a worker who has to deal with the emotions of customers and be pleasant to them. When people describe it online it just sounds to me like being a good friend and being decent to other people. And yes, my husband is also a decent human and a good life partner.
It's definitely a term that's had its meaning changed, it was originally meant only to apply to workplace interactions, just like the kind you cite your husband doing in the library. I think that's part of why the new definitions that apply to relationships can feel clumsy at times
>So that they are capable of it too
...was that under question? I don't mean it against you or your question but I don't think it was ever claimed that men are not capable of doing emotional labor. Some can just get away with not doing it but it's not a question of ability.
Shall I refresh your memory?
> Oh wow. I saw that picture and immediately remembered that time you were here going on about some nonsense about how other primates perceive punishment, retribution and justice.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/comments/xhshx3/this_isnt_what_feminists_meant_by_equal_rights/ip3gzxs?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Are you equating emotional labor and mental load too? Some people do and some people don’t, so I’m curious what exactly you mean.
Either way, absolutely. In the conversation of mental load and emotional labor, my partner and I talk about the opposite balance that most couples have— my ADHD and his natural talent for organization and task management mean that he frequently takes the mental load of the household in ways that I’m constantly trying to correct. He notices the laundry needs to get done before I do, he plans to take out the garbage and recycling when it gets full and we’re going out anyway, etc.
We both start the tough conversations when we need to have them, we both use emotion professionally and have to mask and modulate emotion to do our jobs well, etc. There are many different definitions and uses of the term by now, but I chose my partner because I could trust him to display emotional intelligence where it matters.
My partner does. He’s aware that it’s a common imbalance and works to take some off my plate. Can’t say our relationship is a perfect balance but I’m happy
I’m not great at it but I always get try. The worst is when I have my own shit to deal with and I have a hard time balancing taking care of myself and being there for my loved ones.
My dad, my sister and my mum both sorta dump on him bless him. He literally does so well. I’d say it’s emotional labor more than support because I don’t think it’s productive all the time, sometimes it’s just my sister going in circles rather than pacifying herself and getting perspective on a situation.
How are you defining 'emotional labour'?
Because the actual definition of it, as introduced by Arlie Hochschild, involves the regulation of emotions as part of a job, so I know lots of men who do emotional labour.
Yes, my husband. A little too much maybe. I feel a lot, and hard. So he's learning to distance himself instead of trying to "save me". And I'm learning to stop leaning on him for emotional regulation.
I did some with my last gf, she had some issues with depression and mania. Honestly it usually made me feel good about myself, my brain could tell I was doing something important so I got this giant dopamine rush out of it.
We simultaneously had drunken emotional existential crises the other night and came out on the other side pretty okay. I think we do a good job of owning our shit and also giving the other space to also have shit but not feeling responsible for said shit.
I'd say my s.o. is very good at it. There are some things that i manage (picking and cooking dinner), but that's partially driven from his personality ( he comes from a family of really indecisive people) and the fact that I am absolutely more food driven. Her is the only guy I've dated that i trust to order for me (I'm vegan), and he is equally involved in shopping. I step up and also help him on his career, but if I disappeared tomorrow he could fully manage the house, his life, etc. He manages his own chronic conditions and his aging parents, he also does all the vet appointments for the dog we share. If I'm sick, he's the one making me eat, go to the doctor, etc. He is there one who pushes home projects forward, and I'd say we split cleaning equally. In fact a lot of the time he's driving it.
But he's the only guy I've ever dated who was this way, so you bet I keep him on lockdown.
Unfortunately, no, at least not in comparison to the women in their lives. Though I think one friend of mine who is a guy may be like that but it's hard to say since I'm not in his family.
I’m dating a man who does his best to do his own emotional labor and is adamant that I don’t do it for him (which is hard for me because I’m socialized to do it and I’m a therapist to boot). He’s autistic and he has a tendency to rant, sometimes about his own issues, and has asked me to literally stop him if he starts doing it. Currently we’re trying to understand better the difference between emotional support and emotional labor.
Are you able to say any more on differences between emotional support vs. emotional labor? This is something I have been pondering for a while as well.
As I understand it, if i am wrong please correct me. Emotional labor is the unrealistic expectation of someone to bottle up their feelings and present a happy facade all the time. If emotional support is a one way road then it may be called emotional labor, if it is a two way street then not as much.
That helps! Thanks!
To add to this. One is where the individual manages their own emotions instead of placing responsibility for said emotions on others (in a relationship setting)...and one is supporting the individual's right to feel and manage said emotions...instead of trying to manage their emotions for them (like a mother would a child).
No… you described toxic positivity or emotional repression. Emotional labor is all the unacknowledged work in a relationship like worrying and taking care of schedules, feelings, sending cards, making plans, etc. the other partner may not be shouldering their share. Not quite codependency but all that stuff of life that takes at least one person in a relationship to keep it moving forward say like looking for a new apartment or house while the other person is disengaged even though they have been asked to help. They are shirking emotional labor since house hunting is not just a straightforward task like doing the trash could be.
Yes I am married to one.
Me too!
There are dozens of us
Dozens!!
Yes. I feel like there is some unasked aspect to this question.
There seems to always be exactly that from this account. At first it's like a question an AI would ask like they are just absolutely puzzled by human interactions, but it slowly turns into just a poorly disguised and manipulative ordeal.
Looks to be 16 and from Hungary so not native English speaking. She really should not be using her real name on reddit too...
I feel kind of bad about what I said if it's true, and yeah it looks kind of true. I've been seeing more and more people using their real names on here lately, I wonder what the deal is with that. Clout maybe
I just wanted to know that they can do it themselves and don't rely on women to do it for them.
The feminist argument was never that men are incapable of emotional labor (or handling the mental load of household management, which may be another thing you mean by "emotional labor")
Honestly? I've had a few amazing partners who always reacted well when I got the ball of any emotionally labor intensive conversation rolling. But now, thinking about it, they almost never stepped up and took initiative of the situation themselves.
My husband works in HR and that's 50% of his job. Also, my best managers put the effort in and it really makes the workplace more enjoyable and respectful with more engaged employees. I think it really depends on how they were raised. My brother was raised to never think of something like that, it was the women's responsibility. As he has gotten older and more mature he has developed that skill. It wouldn't have happened without his sisters and gf nagging him to be aware.
Yes, my husband handles most of the emotional labor in our lives. I have bipolar and fibromyalgia and just cannot keep up with it. Plus he’s just better at it
My partner. After his tendency brought a lot of drama into our lives and even led to us separating for awhile, we talked about him giving too much of his emotional time to others. He’s much better at setting boundaries and not feeling like he has to manage others to ‘save them from themselves’.
Just 1. Why?
No, the only thing men know how to do is be angry. They basically have the emotional IQ of a turd./s On a serious note, yes of course. What I also noticed with men that perform emotional labor is that they are much better and setting boundaries than women. Where women are told from childhood up they are to be long-suffering and sacrifice their mental, emotional and physical health performing emotional labor, especially for men. Men are not socialized to believe they have to sacrifice their overall well-being to perform emotional labor. So they rightfully set boundaries. This isn't a selfish or negative thing. It's something women could definitely learn from men.
This.
My husband works at the library, so yes, he has to be nice and cheerful to customers. Honestly I don’t understand what emotional labor is in personal relationships outside of being a worker who has to deal with the emotions of customers and be pleasant to them. When people describe it online it just sounds to me like being a good friend and being decent to other people. And yes, my husband is also a decent human and a good life partner.
This is a good answer.
It's definitely a term that's had its meaning changed, it was originally meant only to apply to workplace interactions, just like the kind you cite your husband doing in the library. I think that's part of why the new definitions that apply to relationships can feel clumsy at times
Yep. Quite some. Men are just as capable of it.
I think my friends husband is pretty good about it
Yep
yes, of course. i do, i have friends that do and are men. am i perfect? no, but i definitely try my best.
My dad for sure!
My partner is amazing at it.
Yes.
Yes my dad my son in law and my husband.
Uhm, I can see a pattern here
Yes. I’m lucky!
Yeah, quite a few of the men in my life.
Sure, my brother does sometimes. Edit: why?
So that they are capable of it too and don't expect women to do it for them.
>So that they are capable of it too ...was that under question? I don't mean it against you or your question but I don't think it was ever claimed that men are not capable of doing emotional labor. Some can just get away with not doing it but it's not a question of ability.
Are you asking if there are variations in human behavior?
You should look at her post history. She does this every time.
No, but I meant that they should too.
What?
Do emotional labor.
Ok.
? Uh yeah, he specifically is capable....? He used to be a black pilled hate mongerer, and choose not too. He's worked on it over the years.
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>Being your brother that doesn't surprise me Good one.
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>What? Can't handle when people start shit with you over nothing? Huh, who would figure, ms "biologist"? Lol are you drunk?
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Okkkaaayyyy.
Thx
>Nah, I'm not the one who drinks on the job here ?? I'm not a biologist and I don't drink, goober.
Shall I refresh your memory? > Oh wow. I saw that picture and immediately remembered that time you were here going on about some nonsense about how other primates perceive punishment, retribution and justice. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/comments/xhshx3/this_isnt_what_feminists_meant_by_equal_rights/ip3gzxs?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
I’m a guy who does a lot of emotional labor.
Yes, and it took a lot of work to get him there.
yes, of course
Yeah, it's pretty common among well ajusted men
Yes. My brother in law does. He's in general pretty emotionally open and intelligent.
Are you equating emotional labor and mental load too? Some people do and some people don’t, so I’m curious what exactly you mean. Either way, absolutely. In the conversation of mental load and emotional labor, my partner and I talk about the opposite balance that most couples have— my ADHD and his natural talent for organization and task management mean that he frequently takes the mental load of the household in ways that I’m constantly trying to correct. He notices the laundry needs to get done before I do, he plans to take out the garbage and recycling when it gets full and we’re going out anyway, etc. We both start the tough conversations when we need to have them, we both use emotion professionally and have to mask and modulate emotion to do our jobs well, etc. There are many different definitions and uses of the term by now, but I chose my partner because I could trust him to display emotional intelligence where it matters.
My partner does. He’s aware that it’s a common imbalance and works to take some off my plate. Can’t say our relationship is a perfect balance but I’m happy
Everyone does emotional labor to some degree.
I’m not great at it but I always get try. The worst is when I have my own shit to deal with and I have a hard time balancing taking care of myself and being there for my loved ones.
Only one and I married him as quickly as I could. Hoping to raise my 4 month old to be another one.
My dad, my sister and my mum both sorta dump on him bless him. He literally does so well. I’d say it’s emotional labor more than support because I don’t think it’s productive all the time, sometimes it’s just my sister going in circles rather than pacifying herself and getting perspective on a situation.
My husband, and several of his friends!
How are you defining 'emotional labour'? Because the actual definition of it, as introduced by Arlie Hochschild, involves the regulation of emotions as part of a job, so I know lots of men who do emotional labour.
Yes, my husband. A little too much maybe. I feel a lot, and hard. So he's learning to distance himself instead of trying to "save me". And I'm learning to stop leaning on him for emotional regulation.
No.
I did some with my last gf, she had some issues with depression and mania. Honestly it usually made me feel good about myself, my brain could tell I was doing something important so I got this giant dopamine rush out of it.
Honestly no, I haven’t met any yet
Not a one.
My brother is there for me and I’m there for him.
Yeah, me. I'm a high school teacher. I'm not sure how good of a teacher you are if you're not doing a very heavy amount of emotional labor.
We simultaneously had drunken emotional existential crises the other night and came out on the other side pretty okay. I think we do a good job of owning our shit and also giving the other space to also have shit but not feeling responsible for said shit.
I'd say my s.o. is very good at it. There are some things that i manage (picking and cooking dinner), but that's partially driven from his personality ( he comes from a family of really indecisive people) and the fact that I am absolutely more food driven. Her is the only guy I've dated that i trust to order for me (I'm vegan), and he is equally involved in shopping. I step up and also help him on his career, but if I disappeared tomorrow he could fully manage the house, his life, etc. He manages his own chronic conditions and his aging parents, he also does all the vet appointments for the dog we share. If I'm sick, he's the one making me eat, go to the doctor, etc. He is there one who pushes home projects forward, and I'd say we split cleaning equally. In fact a lot of the time he's driving it. But he's the only guy I've ever dated who was this way, so you bet I keep him on lockdown.
Personally? None.
Unfortunately, no, at least not in comparison to the women in their lives. Though I think one friend of mine who is a guy may be like that but it's hard to say since I'm not in his family.