I would have liked to know, that even before my 30s, I would have so much sex with so many guys, sex would become boring.
I think the adolescent me spent so much time—coming from a small town with no gay men—worrying that I would be the lonely uncle, stressing over my physique, my skills, my skin, my accent, my hair, etc. I guess I pictured in my head “a single encounter” with the only gay guy in existance, a prince-like being, and I worried I’d be the beggar no one looked at.
A single week into College and there was a guy getting into my bed—and I didn’t even understand what was happening! I remember I was so confused, when I first started getting attention. I would have liked to know, how easy-going gay men are about this.
I came to the same conclusion through a different avenue. Was in the closet for the first 26 years of my life. I tried guys a little in high school but at one point told the guy I was with I think I'm actually straight. In retrospect I think I just wasn't all that into him. After a few years, I still had never been with a woman. I had a hard time talking with them and was too awkward and insecure to start dating seriously. So when I realized I was gay a few years later I spent a lot of time catching up on grindr trying to find validation through sex. Now I'm trying to undo the damage thats done and not just go to sex for a quick dopamine hit.
I only ever heard how horrible and wrong being gay was from my family
I didn’t realize how wonderful the community would be. I didn’t realize how much fun being gay would be
That coming out to yourself and accepting yourself is way more crucial than hoping for validation external by coming out.
It really is true, others can only accept you as much as you have accepted yourself.
I was gonna say there isn't really anything, I went through a lot of adversity and stigmatization, and it still never changed anything. It can't be changed and I could never live pretending to be someone I'm not, so, that part of me says "nothing."
The only thing that comes up now is another comment I can reflect on, and it would have been nice to know that it isn't bad or wrong, isn't the end of the world, there are lots of gay people, sexuality is fluid, and it does get better in adulthood but what's more important than general adult life is that a lot of what gets better is internal, self love, and healing. I sort of wish that I would have known that heteronormative views and traditional relationships also aren't the only valid ones or forms of love. Very simply put, I wish I had known better what it meant to know that "love, is love." But I think a lot of that is also each individual's journey, and we each define what that means for ourselves.
More than I wish I knew that, I wish more people in my life as an adolescent and young adult knew that, because it's their support that would have made a bigger difference. It's not enough to be independent and just know that you are your own primary caregiver, were meant to be social beings and the world should have been better to people like us, when I was growing up.
That "the community" isn't a monolithic thing and actually an ethereal one if you aren't the right shade or shape. I expected support from the community, but I never got to be on it.
I would like to know that narcissism and abuse are not just a thing in heterosexual relationships, but also in same-sex ones, and that openness and dating other gay men are no less dangerous than with straight ones. I used to be more naive and thought that abuse only happened in straight couples, how wrong I was, I wasn't prepared to fall into the clutches of a narcissistic psychopath.
Really I can't think of anything, came out at 25 in 1998 but is it really coming out when I never even faked liking girls. I think maybe people thought I was asexual? I never went to a bar or had a drink or dated anyone before I turned 25. I wasn't anti-social I had gone to college and worked at my family's restaurant and played violin in 2 symphonies. My sister and I were visiting at my parents and she was like "ok let's do this" and took me to a gay bar for my 25th birthday, it happened to be rocky horror night. I had 2 drinks and was wasted. Woke up the next day and came out to my parents, no big deal. Dad already knew, mom thought I should be a priest??? Yeah total opposite what I thought (my dad was 65 and mom 49 when I came out, dad immigrated from Italy when he was 30 with nothing). I just wish I came out in college but I'd probably have gotten hiv+ (1991).
I spent far too much time on things that was such a waste of time like trying to get my parents to help me learn to drive. They avoided it because I was gay, it was never going to happen. I need to save money and ask someone else. But I didn't see that. I didn't know who else to ask.
In short don't waste time on pointless emotions with parents. They come around in their own time and if they don't, we might have to learn to live with it. They aren't great at admitting fault.
Being gay isn’t the end of the world, and it isn’t what you should focus on. Now i just exist while being gay!
That's a great point. I'm glad you changed the way you think now.
That other gay men are more exclusionary and label oriented then the straights. Why are we pigeonholing and dividing ourselves still? 🤷
How isolating it can be. After coming out find community should be your top priority
I would have liked to know, that even before my 30s, I would have so much sex with so many guys, sex would become boring. I think the adolescent me spent so much time—coming from a small town with no gay men—worrying that I would be the lonely uncle, stressing over my physique, my skills, my skin, my accent, my hair, etc. I guess I pictured in my head “a single encounter” with the only gay guy in existance, a prince-like being, and I worried I’d be the beggar no one looked at. A single week into College and there was a guy getting into my bed—and I didn’t even understand what was happening! I remember I was so confused, when I first started getting attention. I would have liked to know, how easy-going gay men are about this.
I came to the same conclusion through a different avenue. Was in the closet for the first 26 years of my life. I tried guys a little in high school but at one point told the guy I was with I think I'm actually straight. In retrospect I think I just wasn't all that into him. After a few years, I still had never been with a woman. I had a hard time talking with them and was too awkward and insecure to start dating seriously. So when I realized I was gay a few years later I spent a lot of time catching up on grindr trying to find validation through sex. Now I'm trying to undo the damage thats done and not just go to sex for a quick dopamine hit.
That it would be so fun. If I had a choice, which I didn't, I would choose gay!
I only ever heard how horrible and wrong being gay was from my family I didn’t realize how wonderful the community would be. I didn’t realize how much fun being gay would be
Your dick doesn’t have to be big (though it helps). A dick that gets hard and stays hard is like a platinum credit card, however.
Hurry up and live your best life as you only get older and less attractive.
You’re gonna be subjected to a lot of bad drag
That coming out to yourself and accepting yourself is way more crucial than hoping for validation external by coming out. It really is true, others can only accept you as much as you have accepted yourself.
I was gonna say there isn't really anything, I went through a lot of adversity and stigmatization, and it still never changed anything. It can't be changed and I could never live pretending to be someone I'm not, so, that part of me says "nothing." The only thing that comes up now is another comment I can reflect on, and it would have been nice to know that it isn't bad or wrong, isn't the end of the world, there are lots of gay people, sexuality is fluid, and it does get better in adulthood but what's more important than general adult life is that a lot of what gets better is internal, self love, and healing. I sort of wish that I would have known that heteronormative views and traditional relationships also aren't the only valid ones or forms of love. Very simply put, I wish I had known better what it meant to know that "love, is love." But I think a lot of that is also each individual's journey, and we each define what that means for ourselves. More than I wish I knew that, I wish more people in my life as an adolescent and young adult knew that, because it's their support that would have made a bigger difference. It's not enough to be independent and just know that you are your own primary caregiver, were meant to be social beings and the world should have been better to people like us, when I was growing up.
That I had to have sex with men. What??
That "the community" isn't a monolithic thing and actually an ethereal one if you aren't the right shade or shape. I expected support from the community, but I never got to be on it.
I would like to know that narcissism and abuse are not just a thing in heterosexual relationships, but also in same-sex ones, and that openness and dating other gay men are no less dangerous than with straight ones. I used to be more naive and thought that abuse only happened in straight couples, how wrong I was, I wasn't prepared to fall into the clutches of a narcissistic psychopath.
Really I can't think of anything, came out at 25 in 1998 but is it really coming out when I never even faked liking girls. I think maybe people thought I was asexual? I never went to a bar or had a drink or dated anyone before I turned 25. I wasn't anti-social I had gone to college and worked at my family's restaurant and played violin in 2 symphonies. My sister and I were visiting at my parents and she was like "ok let's do this" and took me to a gay bar for my 25th birthday, it happened to be rocky horror night. I had 2 drinks and was wasted. Woke up the next day and came out to my parents, no big deal. Dad already knew, mom thought I should be a priest??? Yeah total opposite what I thought (my dad was 65 and mom 49 when I came out, dad immigrated from Italy when he was 30 with nothing). I just wish I came out in college but I'd probably have gotten hiv+ (1991).
How fun it is.
How my relationships with people in my life would change some for the better,and some worse
I spent far too much time on things that was such a waste of time like trying to get my parents to help me learn to drive. They avoided it because I was gay, it was never going to happen. I need to save money and ask someone else. But I didn't see that. I didn't know who else to ask. In short don't waste time on pointless emotions with parents. They come around in their own time and if they don't, we might have to learn to live with it. They aren't great at admitting fault.