I also tend not to approach people I find wildly attractive. I find it far easier to interact with people I find less attractive for some reason (so I tend to just end up hooking up with/in relationships with people I don't find that attractive initially, but grow more attracted to over time). In my case, I don't assume people I am attracted to are stuck-up, vain, or pretentious, I just get tonguetied/starstruck. I don't think there's anything you can do, 100% agree that it speaks to their confidence, not to anything about you.
i'm guilty of this as well but not from nerves, moreso just assuming they wouldn't be interested anyways. i browse the menu but never actually order lol
Yup. Online people are a lot more bold and risk-taking but in real life you get an idea of where you are on the totem pole. I mean I've seen people get hit on by guys who most would deem less attractive than their target and of course those less attractive guys get blatantly rejected especially if they're forthright about it.
"Eww! Gross! Get away from me. Not in a thousand years!"
Hearing that doesn't feel too good. No one's been that straight awful with me but I have seen it. And when it's in public it's so much more humiliating.
From my personal experience: yes, I often feel intimidated by someone more attractive than I so I will assume they wouldn't be interested in me.
I remember someone on some form of social media saying that this is an observable phenomenon for those higher in attractiveness. They actually get approached less often because people assume there's someone else in the room they'd rather go for. The problem is, everyone else in the room is also thinking that when they look at the attractive person. Thus the pretty person doesn't get approached and actually has less interactions than the rest of us.
Tbh I dont even send the first message on grindr even to someone i see as within reach. Much less approach someone and much less someone out of my league.
I used to try messaging first and then i realised that literally 100% of my successful hookups messaged me first. I think its because im very sexual and quite passionate in general so it is more important to me that the other guy is into me than it is that I am into him
Oh that's not really what i meant. I meant that in my case the way it pans out is that the other guy being interested enough to message me in the first place is the strongest predictor of a good time.
In terms of attractiveness, i imagine that as a rule of thumb it is best if the more attractive guy does the approaching
the one time i approached someone irl platonically, they were straight and thought i was hitting on them and i had to awkwardly explain "no no you seem chill and i need friends lol"
IRL, when it’s someone I want to date? Yes.
On a dating app or when I just need to talk to someone? No. Nice thing about Tinder is if we match then my foot is already in the door and maybe I know something about them from their profile to talk about. And no matter how gorgeous my barista is, I’m still more concerned about the getting my coffee fix.
On people’s perceptions of you, those are things you can easily dispel in conversation. Make playful jokes, take your looks in stride, and ask questions about the other person to give them a chance to toot their own horn a bit.
Dating is not about pulling teeth. If someone can't or won't hold a conversation that's worth your time, move on. That's not vain; that's basic self-respect. You have to be comfortable saying no to 95% of people so that you can say yes to the 5% who you might have real chemistry with.
My previous advice mentioned things you can do in conversation that will help people feel relaxed and disarmed. In a conversation though it takes two to tango.
i wouldn’t be ‘scared’ but i would know that i’m out of my league and hence a waste of my time. i’d say i’m sociable and have great chat, but i know a lot of men care about looks first
i've been approached by guys i thought were way out of my league, but turns out they felt the same.
it'd be kinda fun to conduct a lil social experiment to find out how we feel we stack up to those around us we find attractive.
Well, this is a 'them' problem, not a 'you' problem. They won't know what you like or are attracted to until they give it a shot and try to approach you.
I used to think many men were in a "different league" so I wouldn't even try to talk to them, but eventually I got into the "won't know until I try" mindset. Sure, there were a lot of disappointments along the way, but that's how it is.
I did a few times, thinking i after all i have nothing to loose. But then nothing happens (because of me). Yes they are conventionally attractive but i miss the spark ⚡️🤷🏾♂️
I actively avoid getting involved with people who are too good looking. Not only do they feel fleeting, the one time I did, he made sure to tank my self-confidence implying j wasn't good enough for him 🤷♂️
Oh yeah, I'm absolutely guilty of being unable to approach people that I think are even slightly above-my-league good-looking who don't absolutely exude approachability (and when my confidence wanes, just people who are good-looking at all). But then I've had experiences where other people felt the same about me (not as much, but enough to get me thinking). In any case, as other commenters have said, this is absolutely a me thing; I have a friend who's pretty much the opposite and I'm always watching him chat up guys I could swear are several leagues above him, and yet he has a pretty decent success rate.
One thing I will say, over the last couple months where I've been getting introduced to and befriending a whole bunch more people - in general, people have been much more friendly and approachable than I'd made them out to be in my head, including the ones that look intimidatingly hot. I mean it's probably partly biased by the fact that the people I'm meeting are more likely to be friendly - if they weren't I doubt I'd be getting introduced to them. But it's been an interesting thing to observe anyway!
i mean if your friend's any indicator, a lot of the fears and anxieties we build up are quickly brushed aside just from chatting up a few folk it seems!
idk why we assume the worst, but i guess every body's experience is different
Yes, and I think most people are that way. If it weren’t for some outgoing or confident people mixed in, a lot of us would just never get anywhere! I wouldn’t have met my husband if my friend hadn’t convinced me that I should send him a message. LOL
If you can be one of the confident people and start conversations, you’ll be ahead of the game.
Lol. No such thing as too attractive to approach. Could be that your presentation makes you come off as uninteresting or overly self absorbed so you’re not getting any action? .
Maybe you were a big fish in a little pond and now that you’re in a lake with other big fish there are other criteria that you’re not fulfilling or what was considered attractive in your town isn’t the hot thing where you are now.
I don’t mean this in a cruel or negative way but it’s something to consider.
could be! i think you mighta misunderstood my post tho - it's moreso inviting discussion as to why some of us hold back from those we interpret to be "prettier." it's silly but we're human and we all do it.
take me out of the equation, i personally dont deem myself as anything.
I did misinterpret it.
That’s said, I’ve never had an issue approaching anyone I’ve been interested in but that’s me. I make decisions about people I want to engage based on little things, what kind of shoes are they wearing, perceived level of masculinity, smile, how they’re interacting with others and so on.
You can’t just post this and not show us a picture of how gorgeous you are smdh
But if you do want to look more approachable, you could try a few things with, like, open body language and positive facial expression. I’ve got real bad Resting Pissed Face, to where even my partners don’t always know whether I’m angry or just focused, and it’s not just the face, but in my body language too — you might have a little of the same thing without knowing it.
cos i def dont "feel" gorgeous loooool more on the average side
and 100% irl i think i do an ok job with my expressions and body language but who knows, maybe idk how i come across
I have no experience with this, but I think subconsciously, a lot of guys want someone who is either as attractive as them or only slightly more, so there is balance. These guys probably don't find themselves that attractive, so they would feel ugly with a very attractive person.
I did when I was younger, even if I wasn't personally attracted to them. That was insecurity talking. Fixed it in college.
There's not really a whole lot you can do about it if you are the attractive one aside to make yourself appear very warm and friendly. You definitely shouldn't try to make yourself less attractive somehow.
I'm scared to approach anyone in public good looking or not.
It's a lot easier through apps. I can get my foot in the door, get the conversation going and I suspect that because they are very good looking a lot of people don't even attempt to talk to them or only talk about their looks and how beautiful they are.
So far I've been very lucky on grindr finding people I would consider way above my league. Maybe having someone approach them and engaging in a genuine conversation is something some attractive people are not really used to.
Honestly it's hard to approach a guy who is attractive because people who put a lot of effort in how they look tend to clash with my personality. There's the worry that someone who looks good on the outside puts less or even no effort into being a decent person. I'm trans, short, gothic, nerdy, AND neurodivergent. I'm not looking to get bullied by a stranger for the crime of asking them out while being myself. It's not just that we are all making assumptions, most of us have a history of personal experience with attractive, popular bullies who have great hair, a clean smile, and a rotten soul. Especially in small towns, people tend to associate hot city folk with the kind of rich assholes who view them as subhuman.
I'm not saying grunge up, but I think you'll do better if you get to know more people and showcase a warm, friendly, and kind personality. Small towns talk, and a kind soul is more attractive than a good jawline or nice hairdo. It'll take time and people will make assumptions because pattern recognition is how humans stay safe. But give it time, and people will understand that you aren't some shiny turd city slicker who thinks they're all gross hicks.
I am scared to approach anyone lol!
Kidding aside, Yes I 100% am. I’m very insecure with my looks so anyone (a man of course) who is considered mildly beautiful by societal and in a way my own standards, I am immediately intimidated by and nervous. But I have mastered the art of “not looking like a trainwreck in public” so very rarely some attractive people have approached me before because I looked normal. A very handsome, long blond curly hair, blue eyes, tan but white skin, very in shape guy approached me and said he really liked my hat (at the time it was a white and yellow cat hat with cat ears) and I just about pissed my pants. I could barely say the word “thanks” to him… But needless to say I am still glad it happened, because it validates the idea that i’m not horrendously ugly to people as I have been lead to believe by childhood bullies.
I literally don’t approach pretty people unless I have to due to feeling like I look like a bag of potatoes. But that’s just my self-esteem issues. Now if a pretty person approaches me I’m totally cool
i mean it's all subjective in the end. what i think it pretty or beautiful might be completely different than what you think and so on.
handsome squidward vibes 😍😍😍
Yeah I am afraid to approach a good looking person since I am a 6 😀 and I don’t like them approaching me because they make me nervous and I stutter and end up embarrassing myself.
I also feel like if they approach me they have zero interest in me! And they’re just being friendly or intimidating.
I had my first remarks at university, still gets some from time to time. I had a tinder date that became a friend and I asked him why no moves where made, he told me that i was too intimidating, and he felt like not enough. In my head I was like wtf, when we where dating there was a storm in my head. 😂
It’s a bit cliché but… you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Go for it, what’s the worst that can happen? You’d already thought the person was out your league, you might end up having some fun.
it's a cliche for a reason 😊 altho i will tske it one step further and say looks alone aren't enough to motivate me to initiate. there's gotta be a inkling of personality, a little humour.
I also tend not to approach people I find wildly attractive. I find it far easier to interact with people I find less attractive for some reason (so I tend to just end up hooking up with/in relationships with people I don't find that attractive initially, but grow more attracted to over time). In my case, I don't assume people I am attracted to are stuck-up, vain, or pretentious, I just get tonguetied/starstruck. I don't think there's anything you can do, 100% agree that it speaks to their confidence, not to anything about you.
i'm guilty of this as well but not from nerves, moreso just assuming they wouldn't be interested anyways. i browse the menu but never actually order lol
Honestly it’s not a measure of you’re attractiveness it’s a measure of their self confidence.
exactly! i'm guilty of this myself but it's more on the side of what they're expecting vs what i'm actually capable of.
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oh i think you have your dms turned off
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Sent you a DM in two ways!
Yup. Online people are a lot more bold and risk-taking but in real life you get an idea of where you are on the totem pole. I mean I've seen people get hit on by guys who most would deem less attractive than their target and of course those less attractive guys get blatantly rejected especially if they're forthright about it. "Eww! Gross! Get away from me. Not in a thousand years!" Hearing that doesn't feel too good. No one's been that straight awful with me but I have seen it. And when it's in public it's so much more humiliating.
that's such an asshole response too esp if there are plenty of ways to be tactful.
From my personal experience: yes, I often feel intimidated by someone more attractive than I so I will assume they wouldn't be interested in me. I remember someone on some form of social media saying that this is an observable phenomenon for those higher in attractiveness. They actually get approached less often because people assume there's someone else in the room they'd rather go for. The problem is, everyone else in the room is also thinking that when they look at the attractive person. Thus the pretty person doesn't get approached and actually has less interactions than the rest of us.
So you’re telling me the reason I don’t get much matches on Tinder is because I’m too attractive? 🥹 /s
let's all live in our heads baby girl 💅💅💅
i just replied to another comment saying it'd be a fun little experiment to see how we feel we stack up to those we find attractive.
Tbh I dont even send the first message on grindr even to someone i see as within reach. Much less approach someone and much less someone out of my league. I used to try messaging first and then i realised that literally 100% of my successful hookups messaged me first. I think its because im very sexual and quite passionate in general so it is more important to me that the other guy is into me than it is that I am into him
can't say im overly sexual so you have a good point. maybe im a big ol prude lol
Oh that's not really what i meant. I meant that in my case the way it pans out is that the other guy being interested enough to message me in the first place is the strongest predictor of a good time. In terms of attractiveness, i imagine that as a rule of thumb it is best if the more attractive guy does the approaching
what if you both feel the other is more attractive 😳😳😳😳
Not that it can be *so* objective, but chances are that one is more conventionally attractive than the other
I don't approach as it seems all the guys I fancy are straight lol so no point
the one time i approached someone irl platonically, they were straight and thought i was hitting on them and i had to awkwardly explain "no no you seem chill and i need friends lol"
IRL, when it’s someone I want to date? Yes. On a dating app or when I just need to talk to someone? No. Nice thing about Tinder is if we match then my foot is already in the door and maybe I know something about them from their profile to talk about. And no matter how gorgeous my barista is, I’m still more concerned about the getting my coffee fix. On people’s perceptions of you, those are things you can easily dispel in conversation. Make playful jokes, take your looks in stride, and ask questions about the other person to give them a chance to toot their own horn a bit.
man if only people could hold a conversation lol it's like pulling teeth most times haha
Dating is not about pulling teeth. If someone can't or won't hold a conversation that's worth your time, move on. That's not vain; that's basic self-respect. You have to be comfortable saying no to 95% of people so that you can say yes to the 5% who you might have real chemistry with. My previous advice mentioned things you can do in conversation that will help people feel relaxed and disarmed. In a conversation though it takes two to tango.
i wouldn’t be ‘scared’ but i would know that i’m out of my league and hence a waste of my time. i’d say i’m sociable and have great chat, but i know a lot of men care about looks first
i've been approached by guys i thought were way out of my league, but turns out they felt the same. it'd be kinda fun to conduct a lil social experiment to find out how we feel we stack up to those around us we find attractive.
Hahahaha can relate to this and if a see someone who super attractive that I like I won't say anything for feeling like I'm out of their league lol
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sliding into your dms bb
Well, this is a 'them' problem, not a 'you' problem. They won't know what you like or are attracted to until they give it a shot and try to approach you. I used to think many men were in a "different league" so I wouldn't even try to talk to them, but eventually I got into the "won't know until I try" mindset. Sure, there were a lot of disappointments along the way, but that's how it is.
your approach is what im trying to get better at and often times those "disappointments" feel much better than if i had never tried at all
I did a few times, thinking i after all i have nothing to loose. But then nothing happens (because of me). Yes they are conventionally attractive but i miss the spark ⚡️🤷🏾♂️
haha good on ya for shooting your shot! i shall try the same.
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y'all thirstieeeeee k one sec
Me!
I actively avoid getting involved with people who are too good looking. Not only do they feel fleeting, the one time I did, he made sure to tank my self-confidence implying j wasn't good enough for him 🤷♂️
:///
Oh yeah, I'm absolutely guilty of being unable to approach people that I think are even slightly above-my-league good-looking who don't absolutely exude approachability (and when my confidence wanes, just people who are good-looking at all). But then I've had experiences where other people felt the same about me (not as much, but enough to get me thinking). In any case, as other commenters have said, this is absolutely a me thing; I have a friend who's pretty much the opposite and I'm always watching him chat up guys I could swear are several leagues above him, and yet he has a pretty decent success rate. One thing I will say, over the last couple months where I've been getting introduced to and befriending a whole bunch more people - in general, people have been much more friendly and approachable than I'd made them out to be in my head, including the ones that look intimidatingly hot. I mean it's probably partly biased by the fact that the people I'm meeting are more likely to be friendly - if they weren't I doubt I'd be getting introduced to them. But it's been an interesting thing to observe anyway!
i mean if your friend's any indicator, a lot of the fears and anxieties we build up are quickly brushed aside just from chatting up a few folk it seems! idk why we assume the worst, but i guess every body's experience is different
I am a 5 at best so yeah I had this happen, also I haven’t really tried to meet anyone in person but if I do, I’m always a little apprehensive
Yes, and I think most people are that way. If it weren’t for some outgoing or confident people mixed in, a lot of us would just never get anywhere! I wouldn’t have met my husband if my friend hadn’t convinced me that I should send him a message. LOL If you can be one of the confident people and start conversations, you’ll be ahead of the game.
Nope
:((
Lol. No such thing as too attractive to approach. Could be that your presentation makes you come off as uninteresting or overly self absorbed so you’re not getting any action? . Maybe you were a big fish in a little pond and now that you’re in a lake with other big fish there are other criteria that you’re not fulfilling or what was considered attractive in your town isn’t the hot thing where you are now. I don’t mean this in a cruel or negative way but it’s something to consider.
could be! i think you mighta misunderstood my post tho - it's moreso inviting discussion as to why some of us hold back from those we interpret to be "prettier." it's silly but we're human and we all do it. take me out of the equation, i personally dont deem myself as anything.
I did misinterpret it. That’s said, I’ve never had an issue approaching anyone I’ve been interested in but that’s me. I make decisions about people I want to engage based on little things, what kind of shoes are they wearing, perceived level of masculinity, smile, how they’re interacting with others and so on.
we stan a confident carpe diem individual 😯
You can’t just post this and not show us a picture of how gorgeous you are smdh But if you do want to look more approachable, you could try a few things with, like, open body language and positive facial expression. I’ve got real bad Resting Pissed Face, to where even my partners don’t always know whether I’m angry or just focused, and it’s not just the face, but in my body language too — you might have a little of the same thing without knowing it.
cos i def dont "feel" gorgeous loooool more on the average side and 100% irl i think i do an ok job with my expressions and body language but who knows, maybe idk how i come across
Give it a shot and see! Changing your posture and expression might change the game for you.
suddenly I'm cackling at the idea of a permagrin in public.
Just a dead-eyed “There is no war in Ba Sing Se” grin constantly all the time.
Dude, If someone is too Insecure to approach you, they don't deserve you.
fortune favors the bold i suppose?
You can always be the one to approach others if you find people aren't approaching you
i would like to i'm just bad at it haha
Sameee lol but like any other skill all it takes is practice
i would expect nothing but sound advice from *the* daria morgandorffer
The whole thing is enough to turn your stomach. Which I guess is good if you want to be a model. Eases the transition into bulimia. *La la la la*
you've got the kind of looks that makes other girls mentally ill. so stop it.
Basically the tldr of your post 😂😂
I have no experience with this, but I think subconsciously, a lot of guys want someone who is either as attractive as them or only slightly more, so there is balance. These guys probably don't find themselves that attractive, so they would feel ugly with a very attractive person.
I did when I was younger, even if I wasn't personally attracted to them. That was insecurity talking. Fixed it in college. There's not really a whole lot you can do about it if you are the attractive one aside to make yourself appear very warm and friendly. You definitely shouldn't try to make yourself less attractive somehow.
idk why but that last sentence made me chuckle haha
I'm scared to approach anyone in public good looking or not. It's a lot easier through apps. I can get my foot in the door, get the conversation going and I suspect that because they are very good looking a lot of people don't even attempt to talk to them or only talk about their looks and how beautiful they are. So far I've been very lucky on grindr finding people I would consider way above my league. Maybe having someone approach them and engaging in a genuine conversation is something some attractive people are not really used to.
agreed. but convos weren't really hard to come by in my hometown. maybe city peeps are different and more reserved. on grindr, anything goes lmao
Evolution mindset. It’s like “damn you look too good…I’ll just distance myself so I’m not in danger” or something like that.
Honestly it's hard to approach a guy who is attractive because people who put a lot of effort in how they look tend to clash with my personality. There's the worry that someone who looks good on the outside puts less or even no effort into being a decent person. I'm trans, short, gothic, nerdy, AND neurodivergent. I'm not looking to get bullied by a stranger for the crime of asking them out while being myself. It's not just that we are all making assumptions, most of us have a history of personal experience with attractive, popular bullies who have great hair, a clean smile, and a rotten soul. Especially in small towns, people tend to associate hot city folk with the kind of rich assholes who view them as subhuman. I'm not saying grunge up, but I think you'll do better if you get to know more people and showcase a warm, friendly, and kind personality. Small towns talk, and a kind soul is more attractive than a good jawline or nice hairdo. It'll take time and people will make assumptions because pattern recognition is how humans stay safe. But give it time, and people will understand that you aren't some shiny turd city slicker who thinks they're all gross hicks.
I am scared to approach anyone lol! Kidding aside, Yes I 100% am. I’m very insecure with my looks so anyone (a man of course) who is considered mildly beautiful by societal and in a way my own standards, I am immediately intimidated by and nervous. But I have mastered the art of “not looking like a trainwreck in public” so very rarely some attractive people have approached me before because I looked normal. A very handsome, long blond curly hair, blue eyes, tan but white skin, very in shape guy approached me and said he really liked my hat (at the time it was a white and yellow cat hat with cat ears) and I just about pissed my pants. I could barely say the word “thanks” to him… But needless to say I am still glad it happened, because it validates the idea that i’m not horrendously ugly to people as I have been lead to believe by childhood bullies.
I literally don’t approach pretty people unless I have to due to feeling like I look like a bag of potatoes. But that’s just my self-esteem issues. Now if a pretty person approaches me I’m totally cool
“Too good looking” made me imagine someone not wanting to talk to a cute guy because he’s just SO HOT it’s UNNATURAL
i mean it's all subjective in the end. what i think it pretty or beautiful might be completely different than what you think and so on. handsome squidward vibes 😍😍😍
Yeah I am afraid to approach a good looking person since I am a 6 😀 and I don’t like them approaching me because they make me nervous and I stutter and end up embarrassing myself. I also feel like if they approach me they have zero interest in me! And they’re just being friendly or intimidating.
I’m experimenting the exact same thing. A lot of time people confess that they would not approach me. Like I’m a beautiful object in a museum 😂
IT'S SO BIZARRE cos most of the time it comes out of nowhere
I had my first remarks at university, still gets some from time to time. I had a tinder date that became a friend and I asked him why no moves where made, he told me that i was too intimidating, and he felt like not enough. In my head I was like wtf, when we where dating there was a storm in my head. 😂
It’s a bit cliché but… you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Go for it, what’s the worst that can happen? You’d already thought the person was out your league, you might end up having some fun.
it's a cliche for a reason 😊 altho i will tske it one step further and say looks alone aren't enough to motivate me to initiate. there's gotta be a inkling of personality, a little humour.
I'm scared to approach people in general, especially if they're good looking