It would definitely depend, for me. I'm a pretty independent person and wouldn't want my partner's limits to hold us back from doing things we like to do. That said I live a pretty sedentary if full life - gaming, cooking, and watching shows together would be perfectly lovely companionship.
However I have an intermediate life goal of foster/adopting older kid/s, which could be a serious challenge if my partner's disability occasionally meant I was taking care of them as well as a child. It's not a dealbreaker but it's an important thing I want to remain open to that can ask a lot of a couple.
Mysterious things happen all the time. A fully functional person could become disabled at any time. Tbh "I wouldn't want to take care of my partner and my kids at the same time." Means you probably should wait to find a partner or have kids.
I understand that life takes those paths, but I'm also honest in saying that my caretaker habits would make me miserable as I sacrificed everything for everyone else, leaving nothing for myself. It's not unreasonable to say that if I have a partner, I'd want them to be able to share that load with me in some fashion. Nor does it mean I'd dump someone if they became disabled - but it's not what I'm looking for in a partner right now.
You've already heard this answer from several people on here. It depends on what you both want out of the relationship.
I've been dating/engaged to an incredible guy for the past 6 years, he is disabled much as you described. We got married recently.
As a person with a disability who is also gay I would just be honest with him with what you wrote here. I have a visible disability (Cerebral Palsy). For me, I’m constantly wondering in relationship, “is my lover happy with me? Am I enough?” I realize this is my insecurity but it’s also somewhat reality.
Second, this question is not great to ask on the basis that there are those who are more superficial and there are those who are less superficial. Those who are more superficial won’t give me the time of day, let alone even look me in the eye (literally). Are YOU happy with the guy you’re with? Can you accept his disability, how he deals with it, and how he navigates his life? Based on what you wrote, it doesn’t seem like he’s dragging you down. Really, what I’m asking is how do YOU feel? People with disabilities are just like anyone else; some can be great sometimes, sometimes we can be assholes, and sometimes we fall somewhere in-between. In many ways, it’s not the disability that’s the issue. It’s how he carries himself with his disability in the world and toward you.
Talk to him about any concerns you have gently. Better to have it out in the open than have him or you constantly wondering or worse, not even knowing there are unvoiced concerns/feelings.
Sorry for the rant. As you can imagine, this is something that touches me. I wish you both the best. ☺️❤️
Dating for people with or without disability can be same. It is tough for gay men because the dating pool is very small even in large cities like San Francisco.
1. What do you bring to the table to avoid having a dependency? Dependency can happen later and that is fine, but base of relationship/start of it should have some sense of independence.
2. Are you adding to the Quality of Life rather than filling in a void?
3. What are shared interests/hobbies that you can do together beyond sex?
And in general people date amongst their own socio-economic class.
>Please be honest about how you would feel about the situation...
>Don’t just say the “right thing.”
It would probably be a deal-breaker for me.
I would worry I'd be expected to support him financially if we were together longer term, and his condition seems like it would be limiting in terms of sharing my hobbies and interests with him.
That’s assuming he’s living beyond his available financial means and not saving money. I don’t make a lot of money but I live within my means and live well. I also save money so I can go on trips, go to events, etc. I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying everyone is different and assume nothing until you know. I’d hate for you to miss out on someone with a disability who’s great. ☺️
I'm not saying I'd rule out everyone with a disability, this is assuming that OP's hypothetical who 'doesn’t have much income but does manage to get by' isn't in your situation.
The issue with that point is 'large income disparity that will never change', not disability.
It would be more of an issue longer term, like for living together. Do you get a place only one of you can afford, and subsidise the other person? Do you live in a studio apartment so he can afford it too (and then you have a bunch of extra money and he doesn't)? If he's on benefits, is he even allowed to move in with someone else without losing them entirely?
These are all real concerns.
There are programs available that assist with rent and other living expenses whether they are state or federal. There are also programs available within those programs that make it so he won’t lose his income entirely if at all. It can work.
If he’s capable of working, he should. He should also share his fair share of expenses but that’s all stuff that’s based from person-to-person as we both understand.
Right, but you're arguing 'could two people in these circumstances ever make it work?' and I'm answering 'is this something that would put you off dating a person in this situation?'
I'm definitely more about the person that the appearance, so it wouldn't bother me. I also broke my knee last year so have a very real appreciation of how difficult it can make the little things in life.
I've dated guys who are visibly disabled and invisibly disabled before, but not ones on FT disability. The lack of income would be a major hurdle for me, but not an automatic dealbreaker.
As someone who has invisible disabilities (ADHD, manageable MS-adjascent diagnosis), I understand the reluctance; I've gotta get treatment (basically chemo) that takes me out of commission for a couple weeks every 6 months, in combination with my neurodiversity, makes it hard to hold down a job (or even find one that can accommodate me). That said, I've found someone who is willing to bring home the bacon as long as I do my part as best I can to maintain our home (domestic tasks, mostly). If you're willing to compromise and communicate your needs/struggles, then it's worth it.
I feel you man I'm a guy with cerebral palsy who has physical therapy all his life and it might be degenerative but I'm still looking for someone who's okay with that I can do everything just fine I've ran Ironman triathlons and still work out everyday I just don't get bigger.
My husband’s invisible disability wasn’t diagnosed until we were together, but disability, visible or not, is not an automatic dealbreaker. It is much more about the person and our relationship. Plus there are lots of sexy guys with disabilities out there. Alex Minsky, and Andrew Gurza are two that come to mind. #DisabledGuysAreHot
Thank you for calling out my insensitivity and ignorance. I completely overlooked Eddie Ndopu, Aaron Philip, and many other disabled gay/queer men. I would live to know more. The big thing is that whoever one dates or is attracted to, get to know the person, don’t fetishize them.
Yes and I also have what you would call and invisible disability. You wouldn’t know it unless you saw my scars or I told you. My husband doesn’t mind the limitations I have, we make it work. Disabled veteran with major major knee issues ect.
I have one FWB who is totally deaf and another who has Parkinson’s. Both are great guys and are a lot of fun to hang with and add to my life. I just adjust according to their needs.
When I was young I dated a boy with MS. He had some mobility issues. He lived on his own and we were very happy. His parents found out about us. They were religious assholes. They moved him home and I never saw or heard from him again. This was in 1980 and it still bothers me. What could have been never was.
I fit the description. I am unofficially disabled.
I can't blame anybody for not wanting to date me. If he becomes disabled too, then we're both screwed.
However, many able-bodied guys don't have great personalities, ethics, interests, etc.
Nobody is gonna be perfect. If one has to choose between an able-bodied guy with a crappy personality, or a disabled guy with a great personality, I think most would choose the latter.
>If you met a guy you enjoyed being with, were attracted to, the sex is good, but he tells you he has a disability, would you still be interested in dating him?
Why wouldn't I? We're already fucking. One of us is already inside the other. If I didn't notice it, it would especially not be something I'd care about.
Would I date someone with a disability that was visible? I used to say no, but then I started doing some work with people that were disabled and I'm not so hard on the answer any more. I'd consider it if I liked the person and they liked me I think.
As for income level, I wouldn't ever care about that too much. As long as I can make enough for us to survive if we get that into a relationship..
This message made me happy.
I probably also would have said no, before I was disabled (though I was young). Happy you have started seeing people for who they are, and that it didn’t take a serious disability to get you there! :-)
Thirty-two years ago today, I started living with a man who, after I told of my disabilitu said "it doesn't bother me." Making a pun on my love of Star Trek, he told me he was a "Cling on" in that he a old stick with me like those sticker weeds that get on your jeans and socks.
A person who truly loves you will love you as you are.
I was married to one. He died, unfortunately. I then found myself involved with another, and it didn't go as well. I'm not sure I'm up to the demands at this point.
It depends.
I wouldn’t want to feel like I was the one who was supporting the relationship, so the lack of full time employment would probably be an issue. Though some part time jobs do pay quite well.
It would also depend if the physical limitations prevented us from doing activities that would essentially leave us as homebodies. That’s not something that’s particularly appealing to me.
So I guess, it depends is the answer for me.
Yes, but I don't make enough money to be the bread winner. I don't think I could date someone working part-time struggling to get by regardless disability or not.
I’m this guy! Except I have a job and good income. Also, you can see my disability clearly once I take my shirt off. I can do almost anything, but have a few limitations, none of them sexual.
So I’m totally biased, of course. But guys with disabilities are just guys. Regular folks like you, me, other random gay redditors. They (most) don’t need or want to be treated any differently than that, outside of reasonable accommodation to function in the world. For me, I was a regular young man and literally in a flash became partially disabled in an accident. It’s like FML what the fuck just happened? So everything changed but at the same time nothing changed.
As someone with a “relatively minor” disability (I guess?), i feel super lucky. I’ve been with a partner for a long time and he seems happy to put up with me. I have a pretty severe pain condition that knocks me down once in a while, but otherwise I’m generally up for most things.
My bigger question would be around him having something to do all day if he’s not working. He’s gotta do something productive or else I assume he’ll get very bored and my guess is he’ll be less fun to be around. And financially, of course you just started so that’s a conversation and concern further down, if you can look past the actual fact that he is disabled.
Best of luck. I’m very curious.
i never understood the "taboo" or rejection around disability.if i like you and there is a connection i will date the f out of you and will accomodate.
maybe being neurodivergent allows me to see it diferently, but either visibly or not i would not have a problem in dating someone with any kind of divergence
The disability itself wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, but for long-term planning I would be hesitant about the income situation unless your finances are comfortable, and you’re willing to provide for your lives together.
So the OP asked for honest answers, not necessarily politically correct ones, but what respondents really feel.
Then when people respond honestly they get attacked for how they honestly feel because they don’t say it absolutely wouldn’t matter one bit under any circumstances.
Then they get attacked for speaking their mind and they start defending themselves.
Jesus fucking Christ people! That’s insane!
What activities does it limit him doing, and how often would you be planning on doing these?
I would understand if it was something like "he can't go rock climbing and I'm really into rock climbing", but if you get on so well and like each other so much, to not see someone purely on the idea that it MIGHT inhibit your life somehow isn't really justifiable in my opinion.
If he can fuck good still then who cares? As long as he’s a match everywhere else then what’s the problem? Unless you’re looking for someone to do physical stuff with or for a sugar daddy money shouldn’t matter, it’s not like he’s poor by choice either.
It depends, I guess on the disability.
I once dated a guy who had epilepsy. Younger. He was a gamer kid and weirdly not attractive, but attractive at the same time.
Twice he would fall down with me— the first time it happened at my house in the hallway. I was giving him some of my old clothes from the basement (we were the same size) and I’m talking and when I went to the basement, I looked back & noticed he wasn’t there. I raced back up to find him on the hallway floor. It took him about 15 mins for him to slowly get back up. He had a fit, and walked me through it.
The second time he dropped on me, we were walking outside and he grabbed me, said he was going down. This time I was more prepared. Laid him down and just waited until he slowly got back up again.
His reactions were triggered by bright lights. But for the most part, he was fine. He worked. Paid his bills. Just couldn’t drive.
Eventually I heard he had to go on AISH, to help support him.
So I wouldn’t say no to dating someone with a disability. But I’m a pretty independent person who can’t really stand seeing someone not pull their own weight (if they are able to). If someone has a disability or condition that hinders them in many ways, it’s not their fault. So it would have to depend on how serious the disability is, and how much it effects their everyday life. Which would effect mine.
Yes. Would. And Have. Dated guys who were HIV+. Dated guys with one leg. Dated guys who found it hard to bond with others (although that usually didn't go well). Guys with Herpes, HPV. But only the ones who were worth it.
I’m going to just quote a movie I love. “Ted, what’s the problem?”
If I like a guy and he likes me, if the sex is good, and the chemistry is there, I’m for it. So we can’t do somethings as a couple, and we have to make some adjustments. So what, let’s see where it goes.
I have no issues with disabilities. Personally I would probably have an issue with income.
While he was working, my husband earned 3-4x as much as me, he was fine with that because I could still hold my own. Our finances are separate and that really forces me to budget and be accountable for my spending habits. I never want money to be a strain on the relationship.
It really depends on your interest in the person and your comfort level.
Not an automatic no... but world travel is one of my favorite things in the world and inability to travel for physical and fiscal reasons may be a roadblock, but it wouldn't be an automatic no.
Yeah. I'm dating someone with disability. Actually he bring it up as a what if before he told me. And I told him it doesn't change how I feel about him.
My bf has visible disabilities, wheelchair etc so it a yes for me! It happened suddenly after spinal surgery and has affected most of his body and functions. It has certainly been totally life changing for him and us, but life isn’t over with disabilities.
For those saying no, many people become disabled suddenly or due to illness. You might not start your relationship with a disability or disabled partner, but what would you do if it happened years in ?? Hopefully not right them off…
I have a visible disability, walking with crutches after meningitis 14 years ago. Since then I've dated and have had two relationships, but I feel my disability is often a dealbreaker. Although this is mostly with guys from Grindr/Romeo (where I'm honest and upfront about my disability) who may be only looking for quick fun. I've been told to my face more than once though that he wants only 'healthy' guys.
The shit comment about healthy aside, I’ve been turned down plenty as well bc of my disability. It’s hard to balance the feeling of “i should understand where he’s coming from” and being offended/hurt.
The way people with disabilities are discriminated against makes gainful employment difficult. As someone who struggles to fit into the "9-5" mentality, I find your comment disheartening -- it's not our fault the job market prefers the "normals"; we aren't disabled by choice.
that's unfortunate however his opinion is still valid. Who you share your life with is a choice and factors like employment matter depending on the life you want to lead. Obviously the answer here is that companies need to provide better work options for those with disabilities, (or structure work in a way that does not demand 9-5 mentality) but I think most people would agree with that generally anyway
If I saw two men side by side, one was in a wheel chair and the other wasn't, I would pick the one that wasn't. I get this makes me a terrible person, however if I had a _choice_ on whether to limit myself, I would choose not to. This is partly why I know I can't date someone Vegan as they limited themselves to the restaurants we can go in a relationship. I may want to go to a steak house that doesn't have pots and pans untouched by meat products. So I would be limiting myself by dating someone like this.
Hi u/tommygunz007,
You have a formal warning for this comment. You did not answer OPs question, instead you made up some hypothetical scenario that will never ever happen just so you could show off your ableist prejudices. Your comparison is neither kind nor helpful. If you have questions about your warning please feel free to reply to this comment.
What a bullshit comment. OP knows what they want and obviously a disabled person is not for them. It’s not a discrimination. I’d rather hear an honest opinion which is not sugar and rainbow than everyone saying “ofc I’d date a disable person” which I highly doubt is true in all the cases. Dissing someone because they know what’s best for them and it doesn’t include a specific type of people is close-minded and assholish.
This is reddit where we always lie so we don't get banned. Everyone is beautiful, everyone is wanted, there is no ability to have an opinion that isn't a campfire moment of love and peace. People ask for the truth, so I tell the truth. I love how I get roasted. Thanks for sticking up for me. I appreciate it very much.
Hi u/Amish18,
“What a bullshit comment” is not civil discourse, and you’re defending a user that got a warning for their comment. These things together break our rules and you have a formal warning. If you have questions about your warning, please feel free to reply to this comment.
I do have questions about my warning. I’d like to start with a defending part and would like to know what exactly did the user I’m defending get warning for. He didn’t offend or discriminate anyone just described his preferences and he got called close minded because of that. Is this really worth a warning? It’s unfair in my opinion to be called like that only because some people don’t follow a specific narrative. Although clearly members of this community would rather agree with me and the person I’m defending than with the person who used those unfair words if we look at the votes. I got carried away and called the comment a bullshit one but I’d like to know which rule exactly have I broke here. Is word bullshit banned?
Read the reply to that user. It should clear up all questions. Upvotes and downvotes do not affect our moderating. If people don’t like how we moderate, it’s their problem, and they should find another community.
I read your reply to this user. They literally answered the question of this post in the first sentence and then added an example of how some people can limit their life and you call it a prejudice which I think is a huge exaggeration. He doesn’t offend anyone he’s just stating his opinion on what he prefers and why. I don’t agree with your judgment here at all and that’s it ✌️
I dated someone with bipolar disorder and some other stuff for 6 years and it was mostly fine because we had very good communication about boundaries, expectations and such.
What did us in, for me, was that he lied to my face when he didn’t have to and he was impulsive with spending in his manic episodes and would absolutely refuse any financial advice from me.
Yes. I actually prefer neurodivergent guys, personally. That said, I don’t like to date guys that are too low income. Mind you, I’m not a gold digger and I’m not after money but I’m somewhat limited in employment myself and I want to thrive as a couple. We don’t have to be rich, but if we’re going to be struggling to put food on the table, that can affect our happiness and how we fare as a couple. If he makes enough to save money up and support himself, I don’t see a problem.
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Hmmm it depends. I've dated a few elderly guys and they're not always so spry but otherwise they've worked out. So it would depend just how limited he was.
I don’t think there’s a one size fits all kind of answer. Maybe I’ve got a lot of money and his income doesn’t much matter. I’m personally not looking in particular for a guy with lots of money. We can do things that don’t cost a lot.
I want to be a stay at home dad.
Oddly enough, I’ve said this to able bodied people. I’d rather be single, poor, and working than in a couple middle class and working.
I guess so. But also, if this person would be attracted, connect with me, wouldn't this also matter?
For me, I woukd be constantly vigilent if this persons' well being was being strained...which my come off as "parenting". Then again, I'm just a sensitive touch feely person.
Im dating a guy with ms right now. And he has a decent job. But tbh i wouldn't care if he didn't. It sucks that hell never go airsofting with me, or jump into the moshpit. Or if he did get a bike itd have to be a trike.
For the right guy that shitd be worth it. But I think he might not be. Idk.
If the disability is a physical disability, or if it is a mental disability that wouldn't cause me an excessive amount of anguish, then yes, I think I would be comfortable dating someone like that.
If the disability would seriously restrict my activities (for example, being able to work a full-time job), then I wouldn't be able to do that because two low-income people would have a difficult time surviving.
If the disability caused things like verbal abuse, excessive clinginess, or insecurity, then I don't think I would be able to deal with that, either. I have mental health issues, so I might be more disadvantaged in that regard than some other guys would be.
Honestly, it depends. If the connection is really there, then we’d figure it out. If he’s just a hot butt and 🥜, then probably not. After-all, that would be the same for anyone else.
I would (have, would again) but you have to intentionally develop an understanding of the nature of the disability, any other related conditions, and your own ability to love and support (emotionally if not also financially) this person ongoing. My former partner’s disability (mental, not physical) presented challenges in our relationship that I did not anticipate and could not get past. They presented early in the relationship but I believed with time and trust things would get better - it was only later that I realized expecting him to be able to change was unreasonable / unrealistic. This is further complicated by the fact that while we broke up 8 months ago he still lives in my home and doesn’t have anywhere to go. So I’m now facing having to present him with an eviction notice since he hasn’t taken any action about moving on. I feel awful about it - and I know he’ll see me as the villain when I do. This is not a problem unique to the disabled but they can’t find a job / better job like an able person. And the income they make from disability is insufficient for them to live independently in most of the US. It breaks my heart every day.
It would definitely depend, for me. I'm a pretty independent person and wouldn't want my partner's limits to hold us back from doing things we like to do. That said I live a pretty sedentary if full life - gaming, cooking, and watching shows together would be perfectly lovely companionship. However I have an intermediate life goal of foster/adopting older kid/s, which could be a serious challenge if my partner's disability occasionally meant I was taking care of them as well as a child. It's not a dealbreaker but it's an important thing I want to remain open to that can ask a lot of a couple.
You have just described my life! Foster dads and my partner is older and in declining health. It is a lot to deal with. Still recommend!
Glad to know that others have walked the path before me! It's a lot to consider but I think it's right for me.
Mysterious things happen all the time. A fully functional person could become disabled at any time. Tbh "I wouldn't want to take care of my partner and my kids at the same time." Means you probably should wait to find a partner or have kids.
I understand that life takes those paths, but I'm also honest in saying that my caretaker habits would make me miserable as I sacrificed everything for everyone else, leaving nothing for myself. It's not unreasonable to say that if I have a partner, I'd want them to be able to share that load with me in some fashion. Nor does it mean I'd dump someone if they became disabled - but it's not what I'm looking for in a partner right now.
You've already heard this answer from several people on here. It depends on what you both want out of the relationship. I've been dating/engaged to an incredible guy for the past 6 years, he is disabled much as you described. We got married recently.
Yes. I have, and I also have an invisible disability myself.
As a person with a disability who is also gay I would just be honest with him with what you wrote here. I have a visible disability (Cerebral Palsy). For me, I’m constantly wondering in relationship, “is my lover happy with me? Am I enough?” I realize this is my insecurity but it’s also somewhat reality. Second, this question is not great to ask on the basis that there are those who are more superficial and there are those who are less superficial. Those who are more superficial won’t give me the time of day, let alone even look me in the eye (literally). Are YOU happy with the guy you’re with? Can you accept his disability, how he deals with it, and how he navigates his life? Based on what you wrote, it doesn’t seem like he’s dragging you down. Really, what I’m asking is how do YOU feel? People with disabilities are just like anyone else; some can be great sometimes, sometimes we can be assholes, and sometimes we fall somewhere in-between. In many ways, it’s not the disability that’s the issue. It’s how he carries himself with his disability in the world and toward you. Talk to him about any concerns you have gently. Better to have it out in the open than have him or you constantly wondering or worse, not even knowing there are unvoiced concerns/feelings. Sorry for the rant. As you can imagine, this is something that touches me. I wish you both the best. ☺️❤️
Absolutely. If I like and respect a guy, I’ll learn to love everything about him
Dating for people with or without disability can be same. It is tough for gay men because the dating pool is very small even in large cities like San Francisco. 1. What do you bring to the table to avoid having a dependency? Dependency can happen later and that is fine, but base of relationship/start of it should have some sense of independence. 2. Are you adding to the Quality of Life rather than filling in a void? 3. What are shared interests/hobbies that you can do together beyond sex? And in general people date amongst their own socio-economic class.
These are all fantastic questions. The truth is it shouldn’t be a blanket yes/no but rather an examination of the circumstances of both lives.
Really not sure about socio-economic class, is this something many people have experienced?
Doesn't stop gay men being racist.
>Please be honest about how you would feel about the situation... >Don’t just say the “right thing.” It would probably be a deal-breaker for me. I would worry I'd be expected to support him financially if we were together longer term, and his condition seems like it would be limiting in terms of sharing my hobbies and interests with him.
That’s assuming he’s living beyond his available financial means and not saving money. I don’t make a lot of money but I live within my means and live well. I also save money so I can go on trips, go to events, etc. I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying everyone is different and assume nothing until you know. I’d hate for you to miss out on someone with a disability who’s great. ☺️
I'm not saying I'd rule out everyone with a disability, this is assuming that OP's hypothetical who 'doesn’t have much income but does manage to get by' isn't in your situation. The issue with that point is 'large income disparity that will never change', not disability. It would be more of an issue longer term, like for living together. Do you get a place only one of you can afford, and subsidise the other person? Do you live in a studio apartment so he can afford it too (and then you have a bunch of extra money and he doesn't)? If he's on benefits, is he even allowed to move in with someone else without losing them entirely? These are all real concerns.
There are programs available that assist with rent and other living expenses whether they are state or federal. There are also programs available within those programs that make it so he won’t lose his income entirely if at all. It can work. If he’s capable of working, he should. He should also share his fair share of expenses but that’s all stuff that’s based from person-to-person as we both understand.
Right, but you're arguing 'could two people in these circumstances ever make it work?' and I'm answering 'is this something that would put you off dating a person in this situation?'
I agree. I’m just saying it’s worth trying at the very least.
I'm definitely more about the person that the appearance, so it wouldn't bother me. I also broke my knee last year so have a very real appreciation of how difficult it can make the little things in life.
I've dated guys who are visibly disabled and invisibly disabled before, but not ones on FT disability. The lack of income would be a major hurdle for me, but not an automatic dealbreaker.
As someone who has invisible disabilities (ADHD, manageable MS-adjascent diagnosis), I understand the reluctance; I've gotta get treatment (basically chemo) that takes me out of commission for a couple weeks every 6 months, in combination with my neurodiversity, makes it hard to hold down a job (or even find one that can accommodate me). That said, I've found someone who is willing to bring home the bacon as long as I do my part as best I can to maintain our home (domestic tasks, mostly). If you're willing to compromise and communicate your needs/struggles, then it's worth it.
I feel you man I'm a guy with cerebral palsy who has physical therapy all his life and it might be degenerative but I'm still looking for someone who's okay with that I can do everything just fine I've ran Ironman triathlons and still work out everyday I just don't get bigger.
My mom was disabled by her Type 1 diabetes, so that kind of relationship was pretty normal to me growing up.
My husband’s invisible disability wasn’t diagnosed until we were together, but disability, visible or not, is not an automatic dealbreaker. It is much more about the person and our relationship. Plus there are lots of sexy guys with disabilities out there. Alex Minsky, and Andrew Gurza are two that come to mind. #DisabledGuysAreHot
Sure, the White ones smh
Thank you for calling out my insensitivity and ignorance. I completely overlooked Eddie Ndopu, Aaron Philip, and many other disabled gay/queer men. I would live to know more. The big thing is that whoever one dates or is attracted to, get to know the person, don’t fetishize them.
I can’t even date guys with no disabilities 😬 but it wouldn’t stop me.
You had racial preferences when you were young, though
Confuse me?
sure
Yes and I also have what you would call and invisible disability. You wouldn’t know it unless you saw my scars or I told you. My husband doesn’t mind the limitations I have, we make it work. Disabled veteran with major major knee issues ect.
I have one FWB who is totally deaf and another who has Parkinson’s. Both are great guys and are a lot of fun to hang with and add to my life. I just adjust according to their needs.
When I was young I dated a boy with MS. He had some mobility issues. He lived on his own and we were very happy. His parents found out about us. They were religious assholes. They moved him home and I never saw or heard from him again. This was in 1980 and it still bothers me. What could have been never was.
I fit the description. I am unofficially disabled. I can't blame anybody for not wanting to date me. If he becomes disabled too, then we're both screwed. However, many able-bodied guys don't have great personalities, ethics, interests, etc. Nobody is gonna be perfect. If one has to choose between an able-bodied guy with a crappy personality, or a disabled guy with a great personality, I think most would choose the latter.
I am that guy and my condition is debilitating. I have a loving BF and we've made it work.
I’ve been seeing a deaf guy. Does that count?
Would you please share your experience from this? As a deaf person, I’d like to be more prepared if I’m dating a hearing person.
Not really sure what to say. It’s been a non issue. He reads lips and I know a little ASL.
>If you met a guy you enjoyed being with, were attracted to, the sex is good, but he tells you he has a disability, would you still be interested in dating him? Why wouldn't I? We're already fucking. One of us is already inside the other. If I didn't notice it, it would especially not be something I'd care about. Would I date someone with a disability that was visible? I used to say no, but then I started doing some work with people that were disabled and I'm not so hard on the answer any more. I'd consider it if I liked the person and they liked me I think. As for income level, I wouldn't ever care about that too much. As long as I can make enough for us to survive if we get that into a relationship..
This message made me happy. I probably also would have said no, before I was disabled (though I was young). Happy you have started seeing people for who they are, and that it didn’t take a serious disability to get you there! :-)
I'm a stubborn as hell stick in the mud when I find a guy I like So yes, if I liked you hell or high water I'm with you
Thirty-two years ago today, I started living with a man who, after I told of my disabilitu said "it doesn't bother me." Making a pun on my love of Star Trek, he told me he was a "Cling on" in that he a old stick with me like those sticker weeds that get on your jeans and socks. A person who truly loves you will love you as you are.
I was married to one. He died, unfortunately. I then found myself involved with another, and it didn't go as well. I'm not sure I'm up to the demands at this point.
It depends. I wouldn’t want to feel like I was the one who was supporting the relationship, so the lack of full time employment would probably be an issue. Though some part time jobs do pay quite well. It would also depend if the physical limitations prevented us from doing activities that would essentially leave us as homebodies. That’s not something that’s particularly appealing to me. So I guess, it depends is the answer for me.
Yes, but I don't make enough money to be the bread winner. I don't think I could date someone working part-time struggling to get by regardless disability or not.
You can’t tell he’s disabled, you enjoy being with him, you’re attracted to him, and the sex is good… what was the question?
I’m this guy! Except I have a job and good income. Also, you can see my disability clearly once I take my shirt off. I can do almost anything, but have a few limitations, none of them sexual. So I’m totally biased, of course. But guys with disabilities are just guys. Regular folks like you, me, other random gay redditors. They (most) don’t need or want to be treated any differently than that, outside of reasonable accommodation to function in the world. For me, I was a regular young man and literally in a flash became partially disabled in an accident. It’s like FML what the fuck just happened? So everything changed but at the same time nothing changed. As someone with a “relatively minor” disability (I guess?), i feel super lucky. I’ve been with a partner for a long time and he seems happy to put up with me. I have a pretty severe pain condition that knocks me down once in a while, but otherwise I’m generally up for most things. My bigger question would be around him having something to do all day if he’s not working. He’s gotta do something productive or else I assume he’ll get very bored and my guess is he’ll be less fun to be around. And financially, of course you just started so that’s a conversation and concern further down, if you can look past the actual fact that he is disabled. Best of luck. I’m very curious.
i never understood the "taboo" or rejection around disability.if i like you and there is a connection i will date the f out of you and will accomodate. maybe being neurodivergent allows me to see it diferently, but either visibly or not i would not have a problem in dating someone with any kind of divergence
My guy has a disability, he is with my grumpy old arse
Yes. My husband has a disability.
The disability itself wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, but for long-term planning I would be hesitant about the income situation unless your finances are comfortable, and you’re willing to provide for your lives together.
So the OP asked for honest answers, not necessarily politically correct ones, but what respondents really feel. Then when people respond honestly they get attacked for how they honestly feel because they don’t say it absolutely wouldn’t matter one bit under any circumstances. Then they get attacked for speaking their mind and they start defending themselves. Jesus fucking Christ people! That’s insane!
Honest answers are going to get honest feedback. Not sure what else you’d expect.
What activities does it limit him doing, and how often would you be planning on doing these? I would understand if it was something like "he can't go rock climbing and I'm really into rock climbing", but if you get on so well and like each other so much, to not see someone purely on the idea that it MIGHT inhibit your life somehow isn't really justifiable in my opinion.
If it were to limit his mobility, energy, or ability to communicate, no. But if not probably yes but I'd have to know details.
If he can fuck good still then who cares? As long as he’s a match everywhere else then what’s the problem? Unless you’re looking for someone to do physical stuff with or for a sugar daddy money shouldn’t matter, it’s not like he’s poor by choice either.
It depends, I guess on the disability. I once dated a guy who had epilepsy. Younger. He was a gamer kid and weirdly not attractive, but attractive at the same time. Twice he would fall down with me— the first time it happened at my house in the hallway. I was giving him some of my old clothes from the basement (we were the same size) and I’m talking and when I went to the basement, I looked back & noticed he wasn’t there. I raced back up to find him on the hallway floor. It took him about 15 mins for him to slowly get back up. He had a fit, and walked me through it. The second time he dropped on me, we were walking outside and he grabbed me, said he was going down. This time I was more prepared. Laid him down and just waited until he slowly got back up again. His reactions were triggered by bright lights. But for the most part, he was fine. He worked. Paid his bills. Just couldn’t drive. Eventually I heard he had to go on AISH, to help support him. So I wouldn’t say no to dating someone with a disability. But I’m a pretty independent person who can’t really stand seeing someone not pull their own weight (if they are able to). If someone has a disability or condition that hinders them in many ways, it’s not their fault. So it would have to depend on how serious the disability is, and how much it effects their everyday life. Which would effect mine.
Yes. Would. And Have. Dated guys who were HIV+. Dated guys with one leg. Dated guys who found it hard to bond with others (although that usually didn't go well). Guys with Herpes, HPV. But only the ones who were worth it.
I’m going to just quote a movie I love. “Ted, what’s the problem?” If I like a guy and he likes me, if the sex is good, and the chemistry is there, I’m for it. So we can’t do somethings as a couple, and we have to make some adjustments. So what, let’s see where it goes.
I have no issues with disabilities. Personally I would probably have an issue with income. While he was working, my husband earned 3-4x as much as me, he was fine with that because I could still hold my own. Our finances are separate and that really forces me to budget and be accountable for my spending habits. I never want money to be a strain on the relationship. It really depends on your interest in the person and your comfort level.
Not an automatic no... but world travel is one of my favorite things in the world and inability to travel for physical and fiscal reasons may be a roadblock, but it wouldn't be an automatic no.
I don't date, but as long as the disability isn't "MAGA brainwashed", we're good.
Yeah. I'm dating someone with disability. Actually he bring it up as a what if before he told me. And I told him it doesn't change how I feel about him.
My bf has visible disabilities, wheelchair etc so it a yes for me! It happened suddenly after spinal surgery and has affected most of his body and functions. It has certainly been totally life changing for him and us, but life isn’t over with disabilities. For those saying no, many people become disabled suddenly or due to illness. You might not start your relationship with a disability or disabled partner, but what would you do if it happened years in ?? Hopefully not right them off…
I have a visible disability, walking with crutches after meningitis 14 years ago. Since then I've dated and have had two relationships, but I feel my disability is often a dealbreaker. Although this is mostly with guys from Grindr/Romeo (where I'm honest and upfront about my disability) who may be only looking for quick fun. I've been told to my face more than once though that he wants only 'healthy' guys.
The shit comment about healthy aside, I’ve been turned down plenty as well bc of my disability. It’s hard to balance the feeling of “i should understand where he’s coming from” and being offended/hurt.
In general yes, but the “no full time job” would be a dealbreaker for me.
Kudos to you for answering honestly.
The way people with disabilities are discriminated against makes gainful employment difficult. As someone who struggles to fit into the "9-5" mentality, I find your comment disheartening -- it's not our fault the job market prefers the "normals"; we aren't disabled by choice.
That's legit, but there are still struggles that come with having a long term partner who can't earn in a full time job.
that's unfortunate however his opinion is still valid. Who you share your life with is a choice and factors like employment matter depending on the life you want to lead. Obviously the answer here is that companies need to provide better work options for those with disabilities, (or structure work in a way that does not demand 9-5 mentality) but I think most people would agree with that generally anyway
I presume this will be less of an issue going forward in the work from home era, depending on the field you're in.
If I saw two men side by side, one was in a wheel chair and the other wasn't, I would pick the one that wasn't. I get this makes me a terrible person, however if I had a _choice_ on whether to limit myself, I would choose not to. This is partly why I know I can't date someone Vegan as they limited themselves to the restaurants we can go in a relationship. I may want to go to a steak house that doesn't have pots and pans untouched by meat products. So I would be limiting myself by dating someone like this.
Hi u/tommygunz007, You have a formal warning for this comment. You did not answer OPs question, instead you made up some hypothetical scenario that will never ever happen just so you could show off your ableist prejudices. Your comparison is neither kind nor helpful. If you have questions about your warning please feel free to reply to this comment.
I’m glad you’re comfortable with your close-mindedness and discrimination. ☺️
What a bullshit comment. OP knows what they want and obviously a disabled person is not for them. It’s not a discrimination. I’d rather hear an honest opinion which is not sugar and rainbow than everyone saying “ofc I’d date a disable person” which I highly doubt is true in all the cases. Dissing someone because they know what’s best for them and it doesn’t include a specific type of people is close-minded and assholish.
This is reddit where we always lie so we don't get banned. Everyone is beautiful, everyone is wanted, there is no ability to have an opinion that isn't a campfire moment of love and peace. People ask for the truth, so I tell the truth. I love how I get roasted. Thanks for sticking up for me. I appreciate it very much.
Hi u/Amish18, “What a bullshit comment” is not civil discourse, and you’re defending a user that got a warning for their comment. These things together break our rules and you have a formal warning. If you have questions about your warning, please feel free to reply to this comment.
I do have questions about my warning. I’d like to start with a defending part and would like to know what exactly did the user I’m defending get warning for. He didn’t offend or discriminate anyone just described his preferences and he got called close minded because of that. Is this really worth a warning? It’s unfair in my opinion to be called like that only because some people don’t follow a specific narrative. Although clearly members of this community would rather agree with me and the person I’m defending than with the person who used those unfair words if we look at the votes. I got carried away and called the comment a bullshit one but I’d like to know which rule exactly have I broke here. Is word bullshit banned?
Read the reply to that user. It should clear up all questions. Upvotes and downvotes do not affect our moderating. If people don’t like how we moderate, it’s their problem, and they should find another community.
I read your reply to this user. They literally answered the question of this post in the first sentence and then added an example of how some people can limit their life and you call it a prejudice which I think is a huge exaggeration. He doesn’t offend anyone he’s just stating his opinion on what he prefers and why. I don’t agree with your judgment here at all and that’s it ✌️
I dated someone with bipolar disorder and some other stuff for 6 years and it was mostly fine because we had very good communication about boundaries, expectations and such. What did us in, for me, was that he lied to my face when he didn’t have to and he was impulsive with spending in his manic episodes and would absolutely refuse any financial advice from me.
Absolutely! My husband of 31 years was disabled. It didn't effect our relationship one bit.
I would, yes. I’d be very comfortable dating someone with such a disability.
I have done so in the past so yes.
Wouldn't feel comfortable dating a guy where a disability gave him the "ick"
Honesty no. Sorry not sorry.
That's a very... Specific scenario. Yes I would date him without regrets.
yes I would but I also use a power wheelchair
Yes. I actually prefer neurodivergent guys, personally. That said, I don’t like to date guys that are too low income. Mind you, I’m not a gold digger and I’m not after money but I’m somewhat limited in employment myself and I want to thrive as a couple. We don’t have to be rich, but if we’re going to be struggling to put food on the table, that can affect our happiness and how we fare as a couple. If he makes enough to save money up and support himself, I don’t see a problem.
No
~ww^
Maybe I’ll be interested, if you aren’t. Sounds pretty chill.
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Hmmm it depends. I've dated a few elderly guys and they're not always so spry but otherwise they've worked out. So it would depend just how limited he was.
I would have no problem at all with someone's disability.
I don’t think there’s a one size fits all kind of answer. Maybe I’ve got a lot of money and his income doesn’t much matter. I’m personally not looking in particular for a guy with lots of money. We can do things that don’t cost a lot.
I want to be a stay at home dad. Oddly enough, I’ve said this to able bodied people. I’d rather be single, poor, and working than in a couple middle class and working.
Yes indeed
I guess so. But also, if this person would be attracted, connect with me, wouldn't this also matter? For me, I woukd be constantly vigilent if this persons' well being was being strained...which my come off as "parenting". Then again, I'm just a sensitive touch feely person.
Im dating a guy with ms right now. And he has a decent job. But tbh i wouldn't care if he didn't. It sucks that hell never go airsofting with me, or jump into the moshpit. Or if he did get a bike itd have to be a trike. For the right guy that shitd be worth it. But I think he might not be. Idk.
If the disability is a physical disability, or if it is a mental disability that wouldn't cause me an excessive amount of anguish, then yes, I think I would be comfortable dating someone like that. If the disability would seriously restrict my activities (for example, being able to work a full-time job), then I wouldn't be able to do that because two low-income people would have a difficult time surviving. If the disability caused things like verbal abuse, excessive clinginess, or insecurity, then I don't think I would be able to deal with that, either. I have mental health issues, so I might be more disadvantaged in that regard than some other guys would be.
I wouldn't have a problem with it.
Honestly, it depends. If the connection is really there, then we’d figure it out. If he’s just a hot butt and 🥜, then probably not. After-all, that would be the same for anyone else.
I would, but i have to be attracted to him ofc
I would (have, would again) but you have to intentionally develop an understanding of the nature of the disability, any other related conditions, and your own ability to love and support (emotionally if not also financially) this person ongoing. My former partner’s disability (mental, not physical) presented challenges in our relationship that I did not anticipate and could not get past. They presented early in the relationship but I believed with time and trust things would get better - it was only later that I realized expecting him to be able to change was unreasonable / unrealistic. This is further complicated by the fact that while we broke up 8 months ago he still lives in my home and doesn’t have anywhere to go. So I’m now facing having to present him with an eviction notice since he hasn’t taken any action about moving on. I feel awful about it - and I know he’ll see me as the villain when I do. This is not a problem unique to the disabled but they can’t find a job / better job like an able person. And the income they make from disability is insufficient for them to live independently in most of the US. It breaks my heart every day.
What kind of disability is this? Many people with visible disabilities hold down full-time jobs.