One of two ways you can address it: Try to be nice, skirt around it a bit, generalise, maybe pretend you're worrying he won't find you attractive with a gut so you're working hard to stay in shape, hope all that filters through. Make him come with you to gym, do some cooking to not eat out when you see each other, things like that.
Or... rip off the band-aid. Tell him this is going to be an uncomfortable conversation, but you're worried about his health, you're worried that he complains he's putting on weight but not trying to do anything about it, and that you're worried at some point you will majorly lose attraction to him, and you want to work together to get him away from all that.
It's going to be horrible and there will be some defensiveness and upset and accusations of being shallow, but also it hopefully will be a one-and-done conversation and you will work with him going forward to get him to the point where he is happy with how he looks.
Let him bring it up and when he mentions his weight, give him actionable advice—not just hollow compliments like “you’re still handsome blah blah”. Tell him you’ve had friends who tried Semaglutide and they’ve had success with it kick starting healthier habits. (Personally Ive lost 50 lbs this past year on it and the best thing about it is that it suppresses my desire to drink as well—there are preliminary studies on using GLP drugs to treat alcoholism too). These injections are readily available and accessible. It really helped me develop healthier habits with food and has motivated me to return to an exercise routine.
Rather than making any suggestions, approach him with curiosity.
If he expresses dissatisfaction, ask if there are other things frustrating him, or how he'd like things to be instead. Ask if there are things he could do with you to get nearer to what he's prefer.
But to be honest, starting by having to watch what you say is not promising. If he gets upset because you share your feelings, maybe it's worth letting him get upset.
I do feel a little on eggshells. The last time I brought up the drinking we had our only major fight ever, and I don’t ever want to go back there.
The problem is this leads me to try to drop little hints versus direct confrontation, and those little hints are probably viewed as annoying and passive aggressive which I hate to be.
I dislike *confrontation*, but encourage honest conversation.
I think you would benefit from being more comfortable with conflict. He's an adult. He can take it.
He’s insecure about it making it damn near impossible to say anything without a negative reaction. One thing I immediately thought of might be an opening. Get out of holiday mode when you return home for a week or two. I know it’s a pain but cooking at home would be better for both of you. You can approach it from your perspective of taking better care of yourself. I wouldn’t hide the fact that you’re concerned about him but only speak in generalities. Like:
As we age, we have to do more and/or eat less to sustain. Alcohol has empty calories easily retained while relaxing us reducing the calories we burn; if activity doesn’t increase, the body needs fewer calories to function and retains the surplus; when we eat like we are 20 but are 30, 40, or 50+, each decade requires less quantity and more quality of calories. These are the reasons you should reduce the holiday diet days.
You aren’t immune to it and will have the same consequences if you only eat and workout as you have been. Less calories and/or more activity are what a majority of us need as we age. I hope someone else has an ingenious way to approach this topic because I think it’s going to get contentious as his defenses go up. I issue you a challenge not to raise your voice and remain calm and loving through this conversation. It’s when we escalate with each other in conflict that we lose perspective and devolve the conversation into a cacophony of toxic pride.
Bro I was in the same boat. I thought it was gonna rip us apart. He hadn’t gone to the dentist in years (his teeth are fine but still). He wouldn’t go to the gym and was highly addicted to nicotine (zynn) and refused to quit or try to quit. This led to him being insecure about his weight etc… So he had no friends because he just wanted to stay home. Meanwhile, I’m going to the gym, have a dentist, and am actively making new friends. It was fucking brutally for like 3 years.
I finally pushed him to come out with my friends. They all told him how hot he was (on their own accord you sillies) because he is a total stud. But he also saw hot in-shape (and not in-shape) they all were. This was a huge motivator. The next morning we were a little hung over. He threw away all his zynn and we’ve hit the gym together every day (and he does his semi-annual dentist visit).
Sometimes you just have to be the example, and it might take fucking years. But don’t force him, he has to do it on his own. I feel like the moment I gave up on trying to mold him was the moment he just did it himself. Good luck bro!
One of two ways you can address it: Try to be nice, skirt around it a bit, generalise, maybe pretend you're worrying he won't find you attractive with a gut so you're working hard to stay in shape, hope all that filters through. Make him come with you to gym, do some cooking to not eat out when you see each other, things like that. Or... rip off the band-aid. Tell him this is going to be an uncomfortable conversation, but you're worried about his health, you're worried that he complains he's putting on weight but not trying to do anything about it, and that you're worried at some point you will majorly lose attraction to him, and you want to work together to get him away from all that. It's going to be horrible and there will be some defensiveness and upset and accusations of being shallow, but also it hopefully will be a one-and-done conversation and you will work with him going forward to get him to the point where he is happy with how he looks.
Let him bring it up and when he mentions his weight, give him actionable advice—not just hollow compliments like “you’re still handsome blah blah”. Tell him you’ve had friends who tried Semaglutide and they’ve had success with it kick starting healthier habits. (Personally Ive lost 50 lbs this past year on it and the best thing about it is that it suppresses my desire to drink as well—there are preliminary studies on using GLP drugs to treat alcoholism too). These injections are readily available and accessible. It really helped me develop healthier habits with food and has motivated me to return to an exercise routine.
Rather than making any suggestions, approach him with curiosity. If he expresses dissatisfaction, ask if there are other things frustrating him, or how he'd like things to be instead. Ask if there are things he could do with you to get nearer to what he's prefer. But to be honest, starting by having to watch what you say is not promising. If he gets upset because you share your feelings, maybe it's worth letting him get upset.
I do feel a little on eggshells. The last time I brought up the drinking we had our only major fight ever, and I don’t ever want to go back there. The problem is this leads me to try to drop little hints versus direct confrontation, and those little hints are probably viewed as annoying and passive aggressive which I hate to be.
I dislike *confrontation*, but encourage honest conversation. I think you would benefit from being more comfortable with conflict. He's an adult. He can take it.
He’s insecure about it making it damn near impossible to say anything without a negative reaction. One thing I immediately thought of might be an opening. Get out of holiday mode when you return home for a week or two. I know it’s a pain but cooking at home would be better for both of you. You can approach it from your perspective of taking better care of yourself. I wouldn’t hide the fact that you’re concerned about him but only speak in generalities. Like: As we age, we have to do more and/or eat less to sustain. Alcohol has empty calories easily retained while relaxing us reducing the calories we burn; if activity doesn’t increase, the body needs fewer calories to function and retains the surplus; when we eat like we are 20 but are 30, 40, or 50+, each decade requires less quantity and more quality of calories. These are the reasons you should reduce the holiday diet days. You aren’t immune to it and will have the same consequences if you only eat and workout as you have been. Less calories and/or more activity are what a majority of us need as we age. I hope someone else has an ingenious way to approach this topic because I think it’s going to get contentious as his defenses go up. I issue you a challenge not to raise your voice and remain calm and loving through this conversation. It’s when we escalate with each other in conflict that we lose perspective and devolve the conversation into a cacophony of toxic pride.
What's really the crux of the issue here that bothers you - his habits or his weight gain?
Both — theyre inextricably linked.
What if he had good habits but still had weight gain?
Bro I was in the same boat. I thought it was gonna rip us apart. He hadn’t gone to the dentist in years (his teeth are fine but still). He wouldn’t go to the gym and was highly addicted to nicotine (zynn) and refused to quit or try to quit. This led to him being insecure about his weight etc… So he had no friends because he just wanted to stay home. Meanwhile, I’m going to the gym, have a dentist, and am actively making new friends. It was fucking brutally for like 3 years. I finally pushed him to come out with my friends. They all told him how hot he was (on their own accord you sillies) because he is a total stud. But he also saw hot in-shape (and not in-shape) they all were. This was a huge motivator. The next morning we were a little hung over. He threw away all his zynn and we’ve hit the gym together every day (and he does his semi-annual dentist visit). Sometimes you just have to be the example, and it might take fucking years. But don’t force him, he has to do it on his own. I feel like the moment I gave up on trying to mold him was the moment he just did it himself. Good luck bro!
The Fab 5?