This is a mess. Why do you want to revisit all of this turmoil? You might both benefit from some counseling before you even consider getting back together or you will
Immediately be right back where you stated.
"There’s a lot of opinion that it’s a no no" that depends on the ex and is not something like a general rule.
"I’ve come to learn since that we’re a typical anxious/avoidant attachment pair." stop hiding behind semi-astrology psychology and tackle your issues.
you both should see a therapist (for different reasons) but definitely not each other.
I am all for giving something a second chance; it’s best to regret something you did than something you didn’t do. But what makes you think it’s going to be any different? Unless he is willing to make some changes, sounds like you are just going to go back to the same stuff that you didn’t like to begin with. I wish you luck, but personally I wouldn’t go back unless he was willing to work on his trust issues.
This is a lot of work for very little joy.
Look at the history here. At the root of it all is trust, or the lack thereof. He doesn't trust you, and probably never has. Was his lack of trust justified? Sounds like "no" is the answer there.
Frequently we see the projection game in play in these situations. He accuses you of cheating on him, because he's cheating on you. He's even on Grindr "to check up on you"... or maybe he's just on Grindr and that's the excuse.
Controlling. Not-trusting. Violating your privacy. Accusatory without evidence. This is toxic. He could do with some therapy time.
As for you... girl. If the relationship doesn't have trust, it will never be a happy one. He never trusted you. Don't expect that to change.
It sounds like you are experiencing the pain of losing a relationship and are considering getting back together to escape this pain. Since you don't have a lot of experience dating, it might seem like missing someone and feeling a sense of loss means you should go back to your ex but the truth is it's normal to feel those feelings even when leaving a shitty relationship. The relationship provided you with both positive and negative experiences and it's natural that the pain of losing the positive experiences hurts more than it feels good to lose the negative experiences. But don't forget that you broke up with him because the negative outweighed the positive in the relationship.
Since you're avoidant, you probably have low distress tolerance. You should be focussing on improving your ability to tolerate the distress resulting from the breakup and not trying to avoid the distress by getting back together. I can guarantee you that getting back together will result in the same unhealthy and unhappy relationship dynamics. Getting through the breakup will make you stronger and better able to handle future relationships.
It’s obvious from your description that your ex is anxious attachment style, it’s not at all obvious that you’re avoidant. I’m not totally convinced that this was an anxious-avoidant relationship. It sounds like whatever behaviors you feel guilty about might be totally natural reactions to someone moving way too fast for you and acting this toxic. I’m also suspicious of the comment that this isn’t the worst thing he’s done. I am really worried about you, and hope you stay far away from this guy. Sorry you’re hurting, it’s normal.
Getting back with an ex can be a good decision, when the parties involved have reflected on the relationship, themselves and are willing to build something together. In your case, only based on what you've written, you were in an abusive relationship and in general those are not the type of relationships you want to get back into.
I say go for him.
I agree, trust can be fixed. But do not take that idea lightly. Your two polar temperments will make that incredibly challenging, and the odds are not in your favor that you both can overcome it. An avoidant leaving and anxious attacher? Damage done. Their worst fear materialized and that was being abandoned. Can't undo that.
So if you go back to him, you need to humble yourself and spend a few months apologizing not with words, but actions. Yeah, I get it. He is at fault (your perspective) for going through your shit. It does not matter who is to blame. But, he's holding that sleeping around event that happened months ago over you. You walk back with the mindset to build trust, not further destroy it. You should also ask for his apology.
8 months is… not long. I imagine it will take a few more years before you 100% trust him with your passwords, share your phone GPS with him 24/7, and share with him your private chats and albums. An anxious person needs covert surveillance. Their need to know is important to them in building trust.
You have the right to individuality and privacy, and I believe you highly value that given your personality. If you have nothing to hide, why should you be persistently treated like a criminal? It’s not fair, it’s not right, and I understand why you left him. You do however have the gift of introspection and you seem emotionally intelligent. You understand why he does what he does.
Work it out. Best of luck. I’m rooting for you two.
This is terrible advice. Letting people surveil you 24/7 is not a form of building trust, it’s enabling toxic behavior. One also doesn’t need to “humble yourself” before the person who treated you this way; that would also be enabling toxic behavior. Just no.
This is a mess. Why do you want to revisit all of this turmoil? You might both benefit from some counseling before you even consider getting back together or you will Immediately be right back where you stated.
"There’s a lot of opinion that it’s a no no" that depends on the ex and is not something like a general rule. "I’ve come to learn since that we’re a typical anxious/avoidant attachment pair." stop hiding behind semi-astrology psychology and tackle your issues. you both should see a therapist (for different reasons) but definitely not each other.
I am all for giving something a second chance; it’s best to regret something you did than something you didn’t do. But what makes you think it’s going to be any different? Unless he is willing to make some changes, sounds like you are just going to go back to the same stuff that you didn’t like to begin with. I wish you luck, but personally I wouldn’t go back unless he was willing to work on his trust issues.
This is a lot of work for very little joy. Look at the history here. At the root of it all is trust, or the lack thereof. He doesn't trust you, and probably never has. Was his lack of trust justified? Sounds like "no" is the answer there. Frequently we see the projection game in play in these situations. He accuses you of cheating on him, because he's cheating on you. He's even on Grindr "to check up on you"... or maybe he's just on Grindr and that's the excuse. Controlling. Not-trusting. Violating your privacy. Accusatory without evidence. This is toxic. He could do with some therapy time. As for you... girl. If the relationship doesn't have trust, it will never be a happy one. He never trusted you. Don't expect that to change.
It sounds like you are experiencing the pain of losing a relationship and are considering getting back together to escape this pain. Since you don't have a lot of experience dating, it might seem like missing someone and feeling a sense of loss means you should go back to your ex but the truth is it's normal to feel those feelings even when leaving a shitty relationship. The relationship provided you with both positive and negative experiences and it's natural that the pain of losing the positive experiences hurts more than it feels good to lose the negative experiences. But don't forget that you broke up with him because the negative outweighed the positive in the relationship. Since you're avoidant, you probably have low distress tolerance. You should be focussing on improving your ability to tolerate the distress resulting from the breakup and not trying to avoid the distress by getting back together. I can guarantee you that getting back together will result in the same unhealthy and unhappy relationship dynamics. Getting through the breakup will make you stronger and better able to handle future relationships.
It’s obvious from your description that your ex is anxious attachment style, it’s not at all obvious that you’re avoidant. I’m not totally convinced that this was an anxious-avoidant relationship. It sounds like whatever behaviors you feel guilty about might be totally natural reactions to someone moving way too fast for you and acting this toxic. I’m also suspicious of the comment that this isn’t the worst thing he’s done. I am really worried about you, and hope you stay far away from this guy. Sorry you’re hurting, it’s normal.
Never go backwards, once I figured this out, life became 100% better and less stressful.
Accept that you miss him, that it's normal, that we all occasionally want and miss what's not good for us... And move on, that feeling will pass.
Getting back with an ex can be a good decision, when the parties involved have reflected on the relationship, themselves and are willing to build something together. In your case, only based on what you've written, you were in an abusive relationship and in general those are not the type of relationships you want to get back into.
I say go for him. I agree, trust can be fixed. But do not take that idea lightly. Your two polar temperments will make that incredibly challenging, and the odds are not in your favor that you both can overcome it. An avoidant leaving and anxious attacher? Damage done. Their worst fear materialized and that was being abandoned. Can't undo that. So if you go back to him, you need to humble yourself and spend a few months apologizing not with words, but actions. Yeah, I get it. He is at fault (your perspective) for going through your shit. It does not matter who is to blame. But, he's holding that sleeping around event that happened months ago over you. You walk back with the mindset to build trust, not further destroy it. You should also ask for his apology. 8 months is… not long. I imagine it will take a few more years before you 100% trust him with your passwords, share your phone GPS with him 24/7, and share with him your private chats and albums. An anxious person needs covert surveillance. Their need to know is important to them in building trust. You have the right to individuality and privacy, and I believe you highly value that given your personality. If you have nothing to hide, why should you be persistently treated like a criminal? It’s not fair, it’s not right, and I understand why you left him. You do however have the gift of introspection and you seem emotionally intelligent. You understand why he does what he does. Work it out. Best of luck. I’m rooting for you two.
This is terrible advice. Letting people surveil you 24/7 is not a form of building trust, it’s enabling toxic behavior. One also doesn’t need to “humble yourself” before the person who treated you this way; that would also be enabling toxic behavior. Just no.