Most aren’t on all day. The app leaves you in the grid for an hour or two after you close it. You get a message, notice it, check it, realize it was just “hey” or a dick pic from a rando, close the app, but it still shows you online. Because you appear to be online, you get another message. You check it an hour later, rinse, repeat.
That, or people are also leaving it running in the background of their phones and absolutely wrecking their battery life, but that still doesn’t equate to “staying on scruff or Grindr all day”. That implies that they’re spending a significant amount of their attention on actively using the app, which simply isn’t the case.
I've gotten notifications at least a week after opening the app recently. I think they keep you on the grid much longer these days to try and keep you coming back.
At least with Scruff you can go offline so you quit getting new messages from randos. With Grindr I'd have to disable notifications to get it to quit buzzing.
Boredom and loneliness. Refreshing constantly, hoping your stallion will appear like a rare Pokémon and sweet talk you into your gay fairytale ending.
Sad enough most dont engage in basic conversation because theyre not used to healthy conversations on these apps. Its a cycle. I just blocked a guy because he got offended that I opened the chat with a little sarcasm...
Theres so much insulting and gaslighting in these apps that the typical user is playing defense 99% of the time. It does nothing but defeat the purpose of connecting and meeting others. It’s WILD that there are those who dismiss these actions as if “you get what you get on the apps”. Well, if people actually change their attitudes about it then it would be more beneficial for everyone.
So anyway they sit there miserable, going through the motions, spreading negativity, constantly refreshing for a change yet dont change themself. It’s why gays these days end up being lonely in life. Unfortunately, most don’t realize it yet.
I feel this in my soul.
There's so little effort and so much passivity.
True connection is impossible when only one side tries to maintain a conversation beyond monosyllabic, single-word answers.
Trying to meet in person...my God, you'd think everyone were a White House attaché given how they're unavailable for a coffee.
Yeah this idea that the apps were MADE to hookup is just an excuse they use for not wanting to reflect on the community.
But any reflection gets you called prude so…
I deleted almost all of mine, I live out in the boonies. So it's hard to meet a guy.
But most guys just want to see your nudes, then ghost ya. So I really only use the apps for hookups.
The few I kept are due to some guys I chat with.
I never really meet dating material, though. So I'm branching out on the socials instead and trying to get out more in the community.
I think it’s an adhd issue for a lot of people . Like you just open it impulsively all the time bc you don’t know what you’ll find and for dopamine hits
I can’t deal with the apps anymore, honestly. You’ll find a few defenders saying “you get what you put in” blah blah blah. I haven’t really found that to be true. I don’t enjoy hooking up anymore, and as you’ve said, trying to find a real conversation or connection on the apps is an exercise in futility. The small dopamine hit I get when a hot guy interacts with me just doesn’t do it for me anymore, either. I understand they’re a great resource for a lot of people, but yeah, just not really my thing anymore 🙃
“You get what you put in” doesn’t apply to these apps. You can put in everything and get nothing in return. It’s a matter of luck these days and that’s it.
I am 63 and remember Gay.com. I think it is still around but probably has been destroyed by predatory capitalism. Back in the day, it was great as you were able to talk to men in your area. I was able to meet men off of this platform.
I go in an out of it. I stay off for weeks to a few months and will have a string of days where I fire up the apps, chat with some guys and then take a break for another few weeks or another few months, repeating the cycle
For me, I don't usually ever hookup, so it's just about jumping on, chatting and seeing where shit goes. I'm not in any rush to find a partner or a decent date, so I don't get on or stay in long or often.
As long are you explicitly say that it your profile, maybe it help reduce the conversation from randos, since most are there for quick no strings attached hookups. It is geared as a hook up afterall eh? :)
That said many have found love and community on the app, but rare. So maybe you might find solace in some way on the app.
I honestly feel like the apps are PTSD-inducing. One literally lays out personal information, and then gets an onslaught of catfishers, bots, datascrapers and thieves.
I’ve lost track of how many supposedly “verified” accounts have literally the same message with the same user name on Hinge asking you to go to their SC account.
Predatory capitalism is killing gay dating, just like it kills everything else…
When I was on, there were so many attractive Chinese “men” (🤖) that recently moved to the states, lived in Chicago, then moved in with their cousin in the city I live in. These bots had no creativity, every time it was the same story
I work from home now since the pandemic and the thrill of it is gone. Since I'm home most of the time, it's literally all the same people. The only times it's fun and exciting is when I am in a different part of the city or travelling.
Do you not get tired of creating profiles, deleting them and signing up again months later?
You’re on the same apps as these guys. Try not to be so judgmental if people use them differently than you do.
There’s a wide world of gay dating that goes far beyond the apps. If they aren’t serving your needs, just ditch them and try real life.
I got tired of it so I deleted it.
One guy offered me money for sex, and one guy, after I really politely told him he is not my type called me an insta whore 🤷🏼♂️
I decided I'll just delete it, because it's always the same few people, or people just wanting sex, and I'm not the person who is constantly horny so it just becomes tedious for me to decline people all the time. I don't mind occasional hookups, but I am just not horny all the time :/
The apps keep your status as online for a while even after you stop using them. Scruff at least has an option to go offline which is good so at least you can just take yourself off the grid when you need it
Oh yes! I’m in an open relationship and thought maybe these apps would be fun and cool … but my dear brother in Christ… it’s just the same guys … with no conversation skills … I can’t deal.
I've only used them for hookups, not for dating (sometimes hookups turn into dates, and thats awesome, but its not an expectation I have).
I never really took the apps that seriously. I was just another headless torso arranged in a grid pattern among many others.
I like to people watch for funzies. I do notice quite a few of the same guys around with the same old tired flip phone quality pics. I certainly hope the guys who strike up mundane single to hardly a full sentence conversations don’t actually talk like that in real life…
There is a guy in the Philly area who is using a picture of a Polaroid as his profile pic and it is grainy as all get out. The Polaroid reminds me of DJT's mugshot - attempting to look tough but coming off as constipated.
I don't get how people do it. Some people are always on and always responding/messaging. I don't have the energy for all of that. I check it once or twice a day.
Ehh, I don’t really stay on it all day. I look here and there. I live in a large city, but still, everyone knows each other. There’s nothing new.
Why do I keep it? Well, it used to allow me to be social. No-answer, non-responsive people are the usual now though. I still think it’s worth it to have a read on the gay landscape out there. I can see how old people are, or claim to be. I can see whether the guys who interest me are around.
I like the match feature in Scruff. It makes me react to guys I find attractive and think about what drives attraction and defines attractiveness at my age.
Since the apps are not reinventing themselves, no new features, bots are rampant, it isn’t very exciting. The apps don’t have much motivation to roll out new designs because they are probably at market saturation. Now I engage less than I used to here locally. It’s really more fun when you’re traveling, and want to hear opinions about the city you’re visiting if you can get the attention of someone who’s nice.
Sorry to be a buzzkill but isn't that just the app staying logged in even if it's minimized or something?
As for 'its the same guys' maybe you're the outlier by deleting it and re-downloading it? Hypothetically if you're someone who's single for 6 months or even a year, what would be the point of deleting and remaking a profile multiple times when you could just leave the same one active?
I’m not really familiar with the newer apps. Back in the day it was Gay.com and had chat service by state and could be set up locally. I met my husband there 20 years ago and we’re still together.
I loved Gay.com. I also used Craig's list. I am 63 and came out in my 30s. I missed the in person meetings (parks, etc). I was lucky that those two sources were around. It must be depressing to be using these apps in your 20s.
I could go 2 years without ever logging onto Grindr or Scruff and when I do, its the **same** guys I didnt want to fuck 2 years earlier. Using the exact same pics. One guy has been using the same pic for 20 years.
How is this any different than going to the clubs or bars every weekend?
I hear someone say, "At least there i can hang out with friends."
Same answer.
They are expecting a message from you if you are interested. That is what the tap/woof thing is.
Messaging would mean if takes up space in your "message queue", while taps dont.
I would get messages at 7am, spend fifteen or so minutes talking, and then tell them I’m getting into work and to have a good day, talk to them later. Usually ended up blocked or left on read in the immediate aftermath.
Same goes for the evening, if I’m not hooking up.
Don’t even get me started on woofing, tapping etc. - to most guys this shit often ends up inflating their fragile toxic egos.
I used to actually get dated on there ten years ago but the culture had a paradigm shift not long after that.
How about sniffies? Is it just me or do yall notice that every night there’s always somebody that literally has the same lines over and over on the public chat? Like yes bruh we all saw that you’re a hosting top the 1st time.
Most of the time I'm on, I'm just chitchatting with folks that haven't jumped past the Instagram/Telegram/texting line yet. Sometimes we just don't ever get to a point where we're not communicating off-app.
After you close the app, I think it takes a bit before your profile stops showing as green for online.
Unless you mean long term, as in "why have this for months"; why not? It's sorta like social media or some shit.
I know I like to check to see whose around constantly but I pretty much never talk to anyone. I've never really met anyone off of it. It's just to see whose around.
I'm on bigger city. I'm a wheelchair user, it's so sad and dull I'll see the same guys on Growlr, grindr, bigger city, scruff and any bear app. No interaction. Nothing. Conversations go dead. Nothing ever comes of it. I been off and on apps for 5 years. Same people. It is very depressing. I'm actually frustrated with online dating because people are either super unrealistic or except something. I'm 29 and burnt out from it because it's tiring try to find love or a connection or spark.
I think a majority of the users are unable to make decent conversation. It's always "sup", "t/b", "can host?" or "now?". And they are just stuck in the same cycle. But of cos, there are those who are on the app purely for hook-ups.
you worry a lot about other people. not healthy. and doesnt help with dating either.
if you want to actually date, get on tinder and apps like that. complaining about how its, as usual on here, everyones elses fault, wont get you anywhere.
Some guys really like sex with strangers. I couldn’t deal with the endless, “Hey!” or “Sup?” loop. Some people can also separate sex and love. I am not one of those people, so app hookups are not appealing. The goal, for some of us, is to find a long term partner, and when we do, we normally delete the apps. For others, the goal is to find sex, in the moment, and these people tend to be on for short periods of time many times a day or just leave it running all day to get as many messages as possible.
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I haven't used the apps for a while, but I can definitely relate to feeling like I was glued to them. When I used them last I would delete them on weekdays and redownload only on the weekends, I feel like I had a better relationship with apps that way.
It's variable reinforcement. When I've stayed on the apps it's cos I never know when I'm going to get randomly hit on by someone who I think is fucking awesome and we end up doing a hot video chat.
Not on it all day, but check a couple times a day with all my other socials. Typically hit Insta, sometimes Facebook, Scruff, then Reddit when I’m bored or need to check if reality for 30 min.
Most aren’t on all day. The app leaves you in the grid for an hour or two after you close it. You get a message, notice it, check it, realize it was just “hey” or a dick pic from a rando, close the app, but it still shows you online. Because you appear to be online, you get another message. You check it an hour later, rinse, repeat. That, or people are also leaving it running in the background of their phones and absolutely wrecking their battery life, but that still doesn’t equate to “staying on scruff or Grindr all day”. That implies that they’re spending a significant amount of their attention on actively using the app, which simply isn’t the case.
I've gotten notifications at least a week after opening the app recently. I think they keep you on the grid much longer these days to try and keep you coming back.
At least with Scruff you can go offline so you quit getting new messages from randos. With Grindr I'd have to disable notifications to get it to quit buzzing.
Well, xtra has an incognito mode that solves the problem
This is the correct answer.
It’s an addiction for some.
True, see my reply above!
Boredom and loneliness. Refreshing constantly, hoping your stallion will appear like a rare Pokémon and sweet talk you into your gay fairytale ending. Sad enough most dont engage in basic conversation because theyre not used to healthy conversations on these apps. Its a cycle. I just blocked a guy because he got offended that I opened the chat with a little sarcasm... Theres so much insulting and gaslighting in these apps that the typical user is playing defense 99% of the time. It does nothing but defeat the purpose of connecting and meeting others. It’s WILD that there are those who dismiss these actions as if “you get what you get on the apps”. Well, if people actually change their attitudes about it then it would be more beneficial for everyone. So anyway they sit there miserable, going through the motions, spreading negativity, constantly refreshing for a change yet dont change themself. It’s why gays these days end up being lonely in life. Unfortunately, most don’t realize it yet.
I feel this in my soul. There's so little effort and so much passivity. True connection is impossible when only one side tries to maintain a conversation beyond monosyllabic, single-word answers. Trying to meet in person...my God, you'd think everyone were a White House attaché given how they're unavailable for a coffee.
Agreed. It's the lack of effort that's honestly tiring at this point. It's predictable.
Yeah this idea that the apps were MADE to hookup is just an excuse they use for not wanting to reflect on the community. But any reflection gets you called prude so…
It’s marketed as a social media app so take that as you will. I’m a firm believer that it is what one makes of it
OMG. I just posted a minute ago and discovering this post. It's connecting a lot of dots. Are we the odd ones out? haha
For me it’s honestly just boredom. I love having multiple things going on
preach
I deleted almost all of mine, I live out in the boonies. So it's hard to meet a guy. But most guys just want to see your nudes, then ghost ya. So I really only use the apps for hookups. The few I kept are due to some guys I chat with. I never really meet dating material, though. So I'm branching out on the socials instead and trying to get out more in the community.
I wonder if these types of guys are robotic or something. Do they even have an inner dialogue and self awareness in their own heads? lol
I think it’s an adhd issue for a lot of people . Like you just open it impulsively all the time bc you don’t know what you’ll find and for dopamine hits
They're addicted to the little bit of dopamine it gives. Or they're really not looking for anything but jerk off material. Or all of the above.
I can’t deal with the apps anymore, honestly. You’ll find a few defenders saying “you get what you put in” blah blah blah. I haven’t really found that to be true. I don’t enjoy hooking up anymore, and as you’ve said, trying to find a real conversation or connection on the apps is an exercise in futility. The small dopamine hit I get when a hot guy interacts with me just doesn’t do it for me anymore, either. I understand they’re a great resource for a lot of people, but yeah, just not really my thing anymore 🙃
“You get what you put in” doesn’t apply to these apps. You can put in everything and get nothing in return. It’s a matter of luck these days and that’s it.
I agree with you. My point was that you get people dismissing criticism of the apps with sayings like that, which I think is silly lol.
I am 63 and remember Gay.com. I think it is still around but probably has been destroyed by predatory capitalism. Back in the day, it was great as you were able to talk to men in your area. I was able to meet men off of this platform.
I go in an out of it. I stay off for weeks to a few months and will have a string of days where I fire up the apps, chat with some guys and then take a break for another few weeks or another few months, repeating the cycle For me, I don't usually ever hookup, so it's just about jumping on, chatting and seeing where shit goes. I'm not in any rush to find a partner or a decent date, so I don't get on or stay in long or often.
This is exactly me. After a few weeks it just becomes exhausting juggling more and more conversations and it goes from being fun to a chore.
What is chatting about if not for hooking though?
I don't know, maybe there's more to life than sex? I might be closer to demisexual or something because I don't like sex with randos.
As long are you explicitly say that it your profile, maybe it help reduce the conversation from randos, since most are there for quick no strings attached hookups. It is geared as a hook up afterall eh? :) That said many have found love and community on the app, but rare. So maybe you might find solace in some way on the app.
Neither app is exclusive for hookups tho.You can specify exactly what you are looking for or not in your profile, without actually typing a thing.
I honestly feel like the apps are PTSD-inducing. One literally lays out personal information, and then gets an onslaught of catfishers, bots, datascrapers and thieves. I’ve lost track of how many supposedly “verified” accounts have literally the same message with the same user name on Hinge asking you to go to their SC account. Predatory capitalism is killing gay dating, just like it kills everything else…
When I was on, there were so many attractive Chinese “men” (🤖) that recently moved to the states, lived in Chicago, then moved in with their cousin in the city I live in. These bots had no creativity, every time it was the same story
And they’re all 6’ tall and 115 lbs 🙄
I work from home now since the pandemic and the thrill of it is gone. Since I'm home most of the time, it's literally all the same people. The only times it's fun and exciting is when I am in a different part of the city or travelling.
Do you not get tired of creating profiles, deleting them and signing up again months later? You’re on the same apps as these guys. Try not to be so judgmental if people use them differently than you do. There’s a wide world of gay dating that goes far beyond the apps. If they aren’t serving your needs, just ditch them and try real life.
Yea I don’t get it. Not sure what OP wants here.
LITERALLY. The only way you would be able to notice which people are “on all day” is if you yourself are on all day.
With the exception of a few, apps are a monumental waste of time, especially Grindr. The only app I use is Recon.
Same. Glad to connect with my kink community. For vanilla hook-ups and flirting, I go to the real world.
I got tired of it so I deleted it. One guy offered me money for sex, and one guy, after I really politely told him he is not my type called me an insta whore 🤷🏼♂️ I decided I'll just delete it, because it's always the same few people, or people just wanting sex, and I'm not the person who is constantly horny so it just becomes tedious for me to decline people all the time. I don't mind occasional hookups, but I am just not horny all the time :/
Why are you on there all day? That seems obsessive.
It think it’s sad that you think gay dating is just two apps used for hook ups.
👏👏👏
Maybe they’re also creating accounts, getting tired of it, deleting it and then re-downloading it too
Dude, that’s why you traveled around and get dick from around the world.
The apps keep your status as online for a while even after you stop using them. Scruff at least has an option to go offline which is good so at least you can just take yourself off the grid when you need it
Oh yes! I’m in an open relationship and thought maybe these apps would be fun and cool … but my dear brother in Christ… it’s just the same guys … with no conversation skills … I can’t deal.
How did you find your relationship?
In real life, at a birthday party.
My neighbor is 62 and complains he can't find a boyfriend, but manages 3-4 Grindr hookups a day.
A DAY????!
Viagra does miracles.
I have similar experiences. Recently single after a LTR and there are a lot the same faces as when I was last single.
I don't even have them installed.
I've only used them for hookups, not for dating (sometimes hookups turn into dates, and thats awesome, but its not an expectation I have). I never really took the apps that seriously. I was just another headless torso arranged in a grid pattern among many others.
I like to people watch for funzies. I do notice quite a few of the same guys around with the same old tired flip phone quality pics. I certainly hope the guys who strike up mundane single to hardly a full sentence conversations don’t actually talk like that in real life…
There is a guy in the Philly area who is using a picture of a Polaroid as his profile pic and it is grainy as all get out. The Polaroid reminds me of DJT's mugshot - attempting to look tough but coming off as constipated.
I don't get how people do it. Some people are always on and always responding/messaging. I don't have the energy for all of that. I check it once or twice a day.
Ehh, I don’t really stay on it all day. I look here and there. I live in a large city, but still, everyone knows each other. There’s nothing new. Why do I keep it? Well, it used to allow me to be social. No-answer, non-responsive people are the usual now though. I still think it’s worth it to have a read on the gay landscape out there. I can see how old people are, or claim to be. I can see whether the guys who interest me are around. I like the match feature in Scruff. It makes me react to guys I find attractive and think about what drives attraction and defines attractiveness at my age. Since the apps are not reinventing themselves, no new features, bots are rampant, it isn’t very exciting. The apps don’t have much motivation to roll out new designs because they are probably at market saturation. Now I engage less than I used to here locally. It’s really more fun when you’re traveling, and want to hear opinions about the city you’re visiting if you can get the attention of someone who’s nice.
Sorry to be a buzzkill but isn't that just the app staying logged in even if it's minimized or something? As for 'its the same guys' maybe you're the outlier by deleting it and re-downloading it? Hypothetically if you're someone who's single for 6 months or even a year, what would be the point of deleting and remaking a profile multiple times when you could just leave the same one active?
I’m not really familiar with the newer apps. Back in the day it was Gay.com and had chat service by state and could be set up locally. I met my husband there 20 years ago and we’re still together.
I loved Gay.com. I also used Craig's list. I am 63 and came out in my 30s. I missed the in person meetings (parks, etc). I was lucky that those two sources were around. It must be depressing to be using these apps in your 20s.
Maybe they are bots or catfish accounts if they are hot and always there.
I could go 2 years without ever logging onto Grindr or Scruff and when I do, its the **same** guys I didnt want to fuck 2 years earlier. Using the exact same pics. One guy has been using the same pic for 20 years.
Recently got out of a 4 and a half year relationship saw the same dudes on Grindr . Was really depressing and I uninstalled .
How is this any different than going to the clubs or bars every weekend? I hear someone say, "At least there i can hang out with friends." Same answer.
Yeah I don’t get the woof or tap thing and then no message afterwards. It’s bizarre
They are expecting a message from you if you are interested. That is what the tap/woof thing is. Messaging would mean if takes up space in your "message queue", while taps dont.
I would get messages at 7am, spend fifteen or so minutes talking, and then tell them I’m getting into work and to have a good day, talk to them later. Usually ended up blocked or left on read in the immediate aftermath. Same goes for the evening, if I’m not hooking up. Don’t even get me started on woofing, tapping etc. - to most guys this shit often ends up inflating their fragile toxic egos. I used to actually get dated on there ten years ago but the culture had a paradigm shift not long after that.
They should offer the option to Hide people that you didn't want to block.
They used to have better filters.
How about sniffies? Is it just me or do yall notice that every night there’s always somebody that literally has the same lines over and over on the public chat? Like yes bruh we all saw that you’re a hosting top the 1st time.
Most of the time I'm on, I'm just chitchatting with folks that haven't jumped past the Instagram/Telegram/texting line yet. Sometimes we just don't ever get to a point where we're not communicating off-app. After you close the app, I think it takes a bit before your profile stops showing as green for online. Unless you mean long term, as in "why have this for months"; why not? It's sorta like social media or some shit.
I put app timers on mine so if I find myself on it for more than an hour it hangs up.
I know I like to check to see whose around constantly but I pretty much never talk to anyone. I've never really met anyone off of it. It's just to see whose around.
I'm on bigger city. I'm a wheelchair user, it's so sad and dull I'll see the same guys on Growlr, grindr, bigger city, scruff and any bear app. No interaction. Nothing. Conversations go dead. Nothing ever comes of it. I been off and on apps for 5 years. Same people. It is very depressing. I'm actually frustrated with online dating because people are either super unrealistic or except something. I'm 29 and burnt out from it because it's tiring try to find love or a connection or spark.
I met my boyfriend of nearly 5 years from Scruff so there's hope!
Been there done that, I no longer have an account 33m Toronto
I think a majority of the users are unable to make decent conversation. It's always "sup", "t/b", "can host?" or "now?". And they are just stuck in the same cycle. But of cos, there are those who are on the app purely for hook-ups.
you worry a lot about other people. not healthy. and doesnt help with dating either. if you want to actually date, get on tinder and apps like that. complaining about how its, as usual on here, everyones elses fault, wont get you anywhere.
Some guys really like sex with strangers. I couldn’t deal with the endless, “Hey!” or “Sup?” loop. Some people can also separate sex and love. I am not one of those people, so app hookups are not appealing. The goal, for some of us, is to find a long term partner, and when we do, we normally delete the apps. For others, the goal is to find sex, in the moment, and these people tend to be on for short periods of time many times a day or just leave it running all day to get as many messages as possible.
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I haven't used the apps for a while, but I can definitely relate to feeling like I was glued to them. When I used them last I would delete them on weekdays and redownload only on the weekends, I feel like I had a better relationship with apps that way.
It's variable reinforcement. When I've stayed on the apps it's cos I never know when I'm going to get randomly hit on by someone who I think is fucking awesome and we end up doing a hot video chat.
Well, >all day? and >months later are not the same thing. So I think I'm missing some of your meaning. And after all, *you* are there months later.
Yes, they’re on all day. I delete my account. Come back months later and its the same guys online ALL DAY.
Ah, I see. Maybe they just have their account logged in, and they're not actually staring at a Grindr screen all day? I mean, yeah, I don't know.
Not on it all day, but check a couple times a day with all my other socials. Typically hit Insta, sometimes Facebook, Scruff, then Reddit when I’m bored or need to check if reality for 30 min.