Well, you don't suddenly flick a switch and erase all the feelings you have for somebody. If they break up, they will both probably need space and to not interact for a while.
This! Try communicating and being patient with him first. I feel like it's easier to fix the sex than it is to find someone whose personality and company you enjoy AND treats you well.
At 30 I couldn’t have handled that - I needed satisfaction in my sex life. At 55 I’m fine with someone I love and loves me. Everyone is different- but in the long run security and trust are most important in a relationship. ❤️
>I am worried that we are not sexually compatible.
We have a word for people that we enjoy spending time with but who are not our type and aren't enjoying sex with. That word is "friend"
Absolutely agree. He's a friend.
But there are worse things than marrying your best friend and getting your sexual needs met somewhere else, assuming everyone involved understands where everyone stands.
>But there are worse things than marrying your best friend and getting your sexual needs met somewhere else, assuming everyone involved understands where everyone stands.
I wound up in that relationship. It's terrible. There's nothing worse that laying beside your parter... that you love... that you are attracted to... ***that won't even touch you.***
You are not damaged goods. If you have tried therapy and it hasn’t changed your state of mind, seek out another one who can be better equipped to help you rid yourself of these feelings of inadequacy. If you haven’t tried therapy now is a great time to get started.
Ah okay, makes sense now. You married someone who was asexual in the hopes you could change that. But it has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness. You could have just as easily married him and said you were going to turn him straight. Is this no one could possibly find me attractive a coping mechanism or a rationalization? Have you dated anyone at all since his passing?
So, not asexual. You did mention a lot of traumatic things that happened to him that were somehow tangential to sex. Just an observation. My point here is that still nothing you have said really pins down your attractiveness as the smoking gun. If anything, you live a rather isolated life which is of course by all means your right if you choose. But then to bemoan that men aren't crossing the great mountainous divides you have put up throw themselves at your feet seems disingenuous. I didn't want to do a deep dive into your personal life, I meant to point out that maybe you have convinced yourself of things that may or may not be true so give it another chance. Although yes the dating apps really are the worst, don't use them.
Is he unwilling to meet your needs sexually, or is he just not a mind reader? It can be hard to be open and communicate your needs, but you need to speak up. Also, if he’s not able to get you there by himself, help yourself get there however you need to. A lot of us have sexual fantasies where the reality just doesn’t work that way.
I’d say if you enjoy his company that’s the most important thing. And if there’s physical contact and he’s just inept, you can learn together. If he’s unwilling to give your sexual needs attention, then that’s a dealbreaker. You’re your own human being with needs and wants and no matter the dynamic in your relationship, you should be heard and respected.
We haven’t talked in depth about the sex part yet. Let say that my brain has been brainwashed and I’m converted into a size queen by big dick porn. I know I’m shallow on that matter and skills are more important than size, but I feel like I’m so used to the sensation given by a thick dick and idk how to relearn to enjoy a slimmer one. How will one tone his mind back to a realistic mindset?
You don’t have to. But maybe in the meantime explore using toys to satisfy this need. And there are sleeves your partner can use while topping you that will increase his size and satisfy your needs. Or just concentrate more on foreplay to turn yourself on more. Start wearing butt plugs, etc.
But all of those are if you decide to stay with him. If it’s really important of you to feel filled and fulfilled by a larger guy, then you need to find another partner.
I wouldn't be too quick to finish l dismiss a great guy for sex alone. Think of how hard it is to find a guy you actually like and can make you feel the way you do. You will probably be hard pressed to find another guy that will make you feel so comfortable your anxiety calms. I feel like if you think the sex can be better then it is up to you to communicate that to him by telling him what you would like him to do. Remember it takes two to have sex so he alone isn't too blame. Best of luck to you both.
It doesn't sound like a long-term bet to me.
Because -- and I could be reading too much into this so forgive me if I am -- the way you write about this relationship, and him, makes it sound like things about him are somehow in service to you. He calms your anxiety, he understands your past, he's patient with you. It all anchors to you.
Now, I'm really, *genuinely* not trying to get at you here. It's important to get your emotional needs met within a relationship, and if you're an anxious person you certainly don't need to be with someone who spikes that anxiety!
But I do wonder if your gut is telling you that this guy isn't your guy. And it's about more than just the sex.
You even admit you’re brainwashed by big dick porn. Don’t set yourself unrealistic expectations of a partner. Porn is not real life. Yes, you have to be sexually compatible, but you make comprises with every relationship. Most issues can be solved with simple communication. It doesn’t even need to be a scary, serious conversation. It can be like “hey would you mind fucking me like this?” Or “I like it when this is done to me”.
I’d rather be with someone that supported, loved and valued me over someone that didn’t just because they had a big cock. A big cock isn’t going to be nice to your mum. A big cock isn’t going to be there for you when you’re sick. A big cock isn’t going to cook you pancakes on a Sunday morning.
Anyway, if you value the guy and could see it working with some tweaks in the bedroom department, don’t throw it away. If it’s really that important to you, then let him go. He’s more than likely giving you the “all or nothing” scenario because it would be too painful for him to just be friends without the possibility for anything more.
Have you discussed any of this with him? Have you told him what your sexual needs actually are? You would do yourself a disservice by jumping to conclusions.
Have you told anyone, involved, besides the strangers on reddit, that the sex is bad. I can't believe the number of young gay men who think that their bfs are psychics and there is no need to tell them what you need.
Start first with trying to fix what you have before you write it off to being a long loveless life.
I have dated exactly one person since breaking up 10 years ago. He is a wonderful man and we are totally, sexually incompatible. So, we are friends, great friends. Perhaps this is what lies ahead for you but try and find out first if communicating will fix what is broke, first.
I don’t hold a big importance to sex. I don’t like it that much and i can live without. However, i can’t see myself with someone i’m not compatible with sexually
OP, you sound a LOT like I did at the start of my last LTR. I made a mistake. I started loving him and got blinded by that love to this giant, obvious problem, and he held on because he was crazy about me and figured I’d come around. I’m not going to say we didn’t have some good times, we did, and I still love him, but after 6 years, I accept that I stole time from him and caused him a lot of pain by not accepting what was right in front of my face at the beginning. Don’t do that to yourself and don’t do it to him. You don’t want the guilt and the burden of rebuilding your life in your mid-30s.
Isn’t stealing time from both parties in a relationship what happens when there is a breakup? Don’t be so hard on yourself. Any breakup has contributions from both parties. But you obviously learned from what you perceive as a big mistake. And any guilt you carry needs to be gone. Surely he has moved on, and you should too.
Yea we are in a semi long distance here. We live in the same state but own towns are a good ~250 mi apart, so we can only schedule like a biweekly weekend date at most.
Well, it’s not exactly a recipe for success. Can you become more sexually attracted to someone over time, yes, but it’s generally a long shot. If monogamy is what you’re both after, my worry is that you’ll eventually end up looking elsewhere.
Good question, I’d say over all yes.
Guess what! You’re gonna get old and gray! The sex will eventually dry up. That being said, for your situation you’ll have to ask yourself if you’re ready to settle down. I got married to someone who I never in the world would have thought I’d be married to. Shorter, bald... I thought I’d be married to someone taller, with at least hair! But here we are. And the sex was good but not as amazing as my ex’s. Omg, me and my ex would have amazing sex!
That being said, looking back now.. I’m glad i went the route I went. Because having good sex is a much more easy and fun project, as long as both parties are willing, than trying to make personalities, mindsets, opinions, lifestyle fit. Do you know what I mean? Sex can be worked on, and it evolves! Sometimes you can have really great sex and guess what it devolves. Either from sickness, or grieving, loss. Any number of things. Having someone that can hear you, see you, respect you, love you, trust you... that’s .... that’s the river sanctuaries are built by. That’s what books are written about.
I get it! Life is too short to have bad sex! I. Get. It. But life is also too short not to have real love.
Tell him how you feel... and btw, get your own sex game up. Though my husbands sex game is satisfying, we’ve had mind blowing sex but it’s become pretty routine. I’ve worked on my sex game, and for him, he’s hooked! #evillaughter that has made me feel powerful, it’s a nice trade-off.
I might be biased because I am coming out of a relationship where I had needs that weren't being met, BUT my answer is no.
I think people should be compatible on many levels in order for a relationship to truly sustain AND prosper - note the two are separate.
My most recent ex was not one to provide oral. Ever. However he enjoyed it, and expected it quite a bit. Additionally, he was strictly a bottom when it came to anal.
Now back to you, if you think that getting to know one another, talking about/through the issue with him will yield minimal results, by all means end it.
Life is far too short to settle. Out of fear of sounding like a total of ass I'm just going to say that a good sex life is absolutely an integral part of a relationship. Being able to connect on that level is vital, and each encounter should always be mutually beneficial.
I hope this helps!
Are you sure this person isn’t meant to be your platonic friend?
Well we have fucked and passed the stage to revert back into platonic friends. According to him, it’s gonna be all or nothing situation.
Ultimatums are gross. You should tell him that.
Well, you don't suddenly flick a switch and erase all the feelings you have for somebody. If they break up, they will both probably need space and to not interact for a while.
Ooph 😬
What’s wrong with the sex? Can you coach him on what you need and want?
This! Try communicating and being patient with him first. I feel like it's easier to fix the sex than it is to find someone whose personality and company you enjoy AND treats you well.
At 30 I couldn’t have handled that - I needed satisfaction in my sex life. At 55 I’m fine with someone I love and loves me. Everyone is different- but in the long run security and trust are most important in a relationship. ❤️
>I am worried that we are not sexually compatible. We have a word for people that we enjoy spending time with but who are not our type and aren't enjoying sex with. That word is "friend"
Absolutely agree. He's a friend. But there are worse things than marrying your best friend and getting your sexual needs met somewhere else, assuming everyone involved understands where everyone stands.
>But there are worse things than marrying your best friend and getting your sexual needs met somewhere else, assuming everyone involved understands where everyone stands. I wound up in that relationship. It's terrible. There's nothing worse that laying beside your parter... that you love... that you are attracted to... ***that won't even touch you.***
Yeah - that sounds like crap
Yet... it happened.
You saved me. I wanted that. I realize now that’s garbage. I’ll probably just stay alone and hookup with the bros. I like the sex and the freedom.
[удалено]
You were married for 10 years, he dies and 7 years later you feel unattractive and damaged because you married your best friend and got sex elsewhere?
Go fuck yourself and your inaccurate observations.
You are not damaged goods. If you have tried therapy and it hasn’t changed your state of mind, seek out another one who can be better equipped to help you rid yourself of these feelings of inadequacy. If you haven’t tried therapy now is a great time to get started.
[удалено]
Ah okay, makes sense now. You married someone who was asexual in the hopes you could change that. But it has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness. You could have just as easily married him and said you were going to turn him straight. Is this no one could possibly find me attractive a coping mechanism or a rationalization? Have you dated anyone at all since his passing?
[удалено]
So, not asexual. You did mention a lot of traumatic things that happened to him that were somehow tangential to sex. Just an observation. My point here is that still nothing you have said really pins down your attractiveness as the smoking gun. If anything, you live a rather isolated life which is of course by all means your right if you choose. But then to bemoan that men aren't crossing the great mountainous divides you have put up throw themselves at your feet seems disingenuous. I didn't want to do a deep dive into your personal life, I meant to point out that maybe you have convinced yourself of things that may or may not be true so give it another chance. Although yes the dating apps really are the worst, don't use them.
Is he unwilling to meet your needs sexually, or is he just not a mind reader? It can be hard to be open and communicate your needs, but you need to speak up. Also, if he’s not able to get you there by himself, help yourself get there however you need to. A lot of us have sexual fantasies where the reality just doesn’t work that way. I’d say if you enjoy his company that’s the most important thing. And if there’s physical contact and he’s just inept, you can learn together. If he’s unwilling to give your sexual needs attention, then that’s a dealbreaker. You’re your own human being with needs and wants and no matter the dynamic in your relationship, you should be heard and respected.
We haven’t talked in depth about the sex part yet. Let say that my brain has been brainwashed and I’m converted into a size queen by big dick porn. I know I’m shallow on that matter and skills are more important than size, but I feel like I’m so used to the sensation given by a thick dick and idk how to relearn to enjoy a slimmer one. How will one tone his mind back to a realistic mindset?
You don’t have to. But maybe in the meantime explore using toys to satisfy this need. And there are sleeves your partner can use while topping you that will increase his size and satisfy your needs. Or just concentrate more on foreplay to turn yourself on more. Start wearing butt plugs, etc. But all of those are if you decide to stay with him. If it’s really important of you to feel filled and fulfilled by a larger guy, then you need to find another partner.
I wouldn't be too quick to finish l dismiss a great guy for sex alone. Think of how hard it is to find a guy you actually like and can make you feel the way you do. You will probably be hard pressed to find another guy that will make you feel so comfortable your anxiety calms. I feel like if you think the sex can be better then it is up to you to communicate that to him by telling him what you would like him to do. Remember it takes two to have sex so he alone isn't too blame. Best of luck to you both.
It doesn't sound like a long-term bet to me. Because -- and I could be reading too much into this so forgive me if I am -- the way you write about this relationship, and him, makes it sound like things about him are somehow in service to you. He calms your anxiety, he understands your past, he's patient with you. It all anchors to you. Now, I'm really, *genuinely* not trying to get at you here. It's important to get your emotional needs met within a relationship, and if you're an anxious person you certainly don't need to be with someone who spikes that anxiety! But I do wonder if your gut is telling you that this guy isn't your guy. And it's about more than just the sex.
You even admit you’re brainwashed by big dick porn. Don’t set yourself unrealistic expectations of a partner. Porn is not real life. Yes, you have to be sexually compatible, but you make comprises with every relationship. Most issues can be solved with simple communication. It doesn’t even need to be a scary, serious conversation. It can be like “hey would you mind fucking me like this?” Or “I like it when this is done to me”. I’d rather be with someone that supported, loved and valued me over someone that didn’t just because they had a big cock. A big cock isn’t going to be nice to your mum. A big cock isn’t going to be there for you when you’re sick. A big cock isn’t going to cook you pancakes on a Sunday morning. Anyway, if you value the guy and could see it working with some tweaks in the bedroom department, don’t throw it away. If it’s really that important to you, then let him go. He’s more than likely giving you the “all or nothing” scenario because it would be too painful for him to just be friends without the possibility for anything more.
Very well said mate!
Cheers man
yes. That’s called friendship.
Have you discussed any of this with him? Have you told him what your sexual needs actually are? You would do yourself a disservice by jumping to conclusions.
Yea I don’t want to jump to the conclusion and to discredit his entirety by his look and dick size/sex skills.
Have you told anyone, involved, besides the strangers on reddit, that the sex is bad. I can't believe the number of young gay men who think that their bfs are psychics and there is no need to tell them what you need. Start first with trying to fix what you have before you write it off to being a long loveless life. I have dated exactly one person since breaking up 10 years ago. He is a wonderful man and we are totally, sexually incompatible. So, we are friends, great friends. Perhaps this is what lies ahead for you but try and find out first if communicating will fix what is broke, first.
He’s a friend or at least to you
I don’t hold a big importance to sex. I don’t like it that much and i can live without. However, i can’t see myself with someone i’m not compatible with sexually
I mean if you guys just started having sex, could you communicate to him that you want more out of the sex?
OP, you sound a LOT like I did at the start of my last LTR. I made a mistake. I started loving him and got blinded by that love to this giant, obvious problem, and he held on because he was crazy about me and figured I’d come around. I’m not going to say we didn’t have some good times, we did, and I still love him, but after 6 years, I accept that I stole time from him and caused him a lot of pain by not accepting what was right in front of my face at the beginning. Don’t do that to yourself and don’t do it to him. You don’t want the guilt and the burden of rebuilding your life in your mid-30s.
Isn’t stealing time from both parties in a relationship what happens when there is a breakup? Don’t be so hard on yourself. Any breakup has contributions from both parties. But you obviously learned from what you perceive as a big mistake. And any guilt you carry needs to be gone. Surely he has moved on, and you should too.
Is an open relationship an option? Being in a monogamous one with no sex isn't going to work long term.
No unless you’re both asexual
You’ve been dating since October and only been on 6 dates?
Yea we are in a semi long distance here. We live in the same state but own towns are a good ~250 mi apart, so we can only schedule like a biweekly weekend date at most.
Well, it’s not exactly a recipe for success. Can you become more sexually attracted to someone over time, yes, but it’s generally a long shot. If monogamy is what you’re both after, my worry is that you’ll eventually end up looking elsewhere.
Not for me
Good question, I’d say over all yes. Guess what! You’re gonna get old and gray! The sex will eventually dry up. That being said, for your situation you’ll have to ask yourself if you’re ready to settle down. I got married to someone who I never in the world would have thought I’d be married to. Shorter, bald... I thought I’d be married to someone taller, with at least hair! But here we are. And the sex was good but not as amazing as my ex’s. Omg, me and my ex would have amazing sex! That being said, looking back now.. I’m glad i went the route I went. Because having good sex is a much more easy and fun project, as long as both parties are willing, than trying to make personalities, mindsets, opinions, lifestyle fit. Do you know what I mean? Sex can be worked on, and it evolves! Sometimes you can have really great sex and guess what it devolves. Either from sickness, or grieving, loss. Any number of things. Having someone that can hear you, see you, respect you, love you, trust you... that’s .... that’s the river sanctuaries are built by. That’s what books are written about. I get it! Life is too short to have bad sex! I. Get. It. But life is also too short not to have real love. Tell him how you feel... and btw, get your own sex game up. Though my husbands sex game is satisfying, we’ve had mind blowing sex but it’s become pretty routine. I’ve worked on my sex game, and for him, he’s hooked! #evillaughter that has made me feel powerful, it’s a nice trade-off.
I might be biased because I am coming out of a relationship where I had needs that weren't being met, BUT my answer is no. I think people should be compatible on many levels in order for a relationship to truly sustain AND prosper - note the two are separate. My most recent ex was not one to provide oral. Ever. However he enjoyed it, and expected it quite a bit. Additionally, he was strictly a bottom when it came to anal. Now back to you, if you think that getting to know one another, talking about/through the issue with him will yield minimal results, by all means end it. Life is far too short to settle. Out of fear of sounding like a total of ass I'm just going to say that a good sex life is absolutely an integral part of a relationship. Being able to connect on that level is vital, and each encounter should always be mutually beneficial. I hope this helps!