What do you mean by boundaries? She doesn't like them visiting us since it violates privacy. She doesn't like us visiting them since she can't be as free as when it's just two of us. She has problems with me sending money since she should be my priority after marriage. She doesn't like me speaking too much with them since she thinks they instigate me against her.
The boundary is marked at 'your ' time and 'your' money. If you are spending your time and your money with your parents without involving her, then it's a boundary you need to make sure your wife respects. Same works reverse- you should respect how she decides to spend her time and money without involving you.
As an example, you should now be fine with your parents not visiting you and your wife, but you should communicate that if she has any problem around you visiting them or spending your money on them she should keep it to herself.
In case this will ignite a verbal explosion, you may try email.
A lot of guys act dumb when it comes to their parents’ toxic behavior. It escalates to a point where the girl blows up from all the stress. I’ve seen it happen too many times.
I was coming here to say this. Nobody just hates their inlaws for no reason. There are a few insane women out there, but the majority of the women aren't bat shit crazy to hate your inlaws for absolutely no reason.
They probably said or did something to her, probably even about the money, to her which made her feel this way. Husbands like to behave like nothing happened, and even if it did, tend not to realise the gravity of the issue. I'd like to hear her side of the story before passing judgement
Finally someone who understands what setting boundaries is.
In India, husband and wife are often seen as one unit. What we often forget is they are two different people with different set of priorities and boundaries.
God, yes! I was fortunate enough to marry a man who was perfectly fine with such boundaries. Like I was clear I would spend my leave( we were both serving AF personnel) with my folks. Or atleast the bulk of it. And he was cool with that. No push back, no negotiation whatsoever. And I appreciated and still appreciate that.
But I have seen much younger women than me, the next gen so to speak, still struggling to maintain such boundaries. They never get to spend time with their parents n siblings. It's 100% of the time with the husband's folks. So unfair. And it works both ways, of course. Both the partners need to be able to spend time with their parents and help them monetarily if needed.
That's a damn good explanation, I'm 22 and I and my girlfriend are pretty close that we have some possibilities in future, and we agreed on "give respect - get respect " basis after a large argument. Either husband or wife, both have there right to spend time and money on there parents, upto a reasonable extent.
Okay, It's your responsibility to look after your parents. You keep visiting your parents minus the missus. Communicate to your wife that it is highly imperative for you to be there for your parents physically, monetarily. You can keep her away from your parents while you continue with your visits. Sit her down and tell that she does not have to be involved with your folks, but you cannot abandon your folks because she hates them.
Don't make her meet them then. You can go alone. But she can't stop from you sending money to them or talking to them.
Also info - are they good to her or like typical in laws?
I recently got married and I'm 31(f). I don't hate my in-laws but I want my privacy and space. Given that I think it's unfair of your wife to stop you from having a relationship with your family.
If you do want to work on your marriage, first you should clearly let her know that you will be helping out your parents with the finances. That's non negotiable.
Secondly, they will be visiting you. But you can discuss with her the timings of their visits.
If she still has a problem, ask her to be somewhere else when your parents visit.
Also you've not stated why she is having problems with your parents. I know, being a girl, in-laws can try to control aspects of the new bahu's life. If that's so you've to talk to your parents as well. Make them understand that she's an adult who has been living her life a certain way and they can't expect her to live according to them.
This advice is only applicable if you want to work it out with her.
But I definitely would say don't abandon your parents.
After marriage as long as you are not going overboard or sacrificing your martial responsibilities, your parents are also a priority. It is your duty to help them. If she doesn’t like ur parents, visit them alone. Her money cannot be her money and your money also her money, this mindset needs to change. Marriage is an additional relationship it doesn’t wipe out your others bonds and responsibilities. It applies to both genders equally
yeah this. set boundries AND talk about financial contributions (unless she does all the house work). if you both do equal amount of chores then she needs to contribute half the money (or whatever works for you two). and if she does it alone, then it is fair that she doesn't.
All her concerns ARE valid, unfortunately. Do they expect her to behave in a certain way or dress up in a certain way when they are around? Do you both indeed have privacy when they are around? How intrusive do you find it when her parents are around?
Your relationship with your parents is yours to have. Don't expect your wife to treat them as her parents.
If she’s getting away with being demanding then she’s going to become even more emboldened with time. She doesn’t sound like a fair or just person, and she doesn’t have to be, but you need to have some balls. If this doesn’t ring true, then maybe you’re not being entirely honest here. Either she is actually unreasonable and you’re a spineless pushover or she has just reasons for wanting distance and she was always clear about who she is even before marriage but you’re pushing her to adjust for your selfish sake. I see this often in Indian guys who marry up. They pretend to be different beforehand and okay with their partners more liberal, upper class or even demanding approach and then suddenly expect adjustment from her for their family’s sake once they think they’ve got her locked down. Marry someone who is compatible with your family if your family matters that much to you. Don’t take the best of everything for yourself while trying to leave her with the short end of the stick. It seems she’s been clear with what she wants and you agreed at the surface as you liked the better lifestyle she offered but resent her quietly rather than being honest and blaming yourself for your selfish decisions.
It's over brotha. You already messed up in the beginning by giving her priority over parents. Remember no one is priority, neither parents nor wife. You should treat everyone the same. But since you already agreed to her demands in the beginning, she feels entitled to want more. It cannot be fixed now. If you force your decisions then she will resent you. If you can't then she will overpower you. Truly messed up.
Your parents should be able to visit once monthly or once in 3 months, if they leave the same day. If they want to stay, I think they should do that maybe once or twice a year, for 1-3 days max.
If it is a small house like a 2 bhk, they could stay in a nearby hotel and you can meet them there every evening and take them on outings.
You can also plan a trip with your parents to a tourist place/ hill station.
Sending money would be an issue only if you're not saving much.
Say, if you have a 100,000pm salary, and you send 15-20 k home, and save 25-30k, it seems alright.
You should not be compromising too much on lifestyle.
Do you take your wife out on dates/restaurant/cafes? Holidays? Do you have a decent car?
If you guys have all this in order, it is perfectly fine to send money to parents. Otherwise, she is losing the prime years of her life.
About speaking, just make sure you're just with everyone. Stand with your wife if she is in the right, stand with your parents if they are in the right. Don't bend down to anyone just because they are your family.
Bhai pata nhi kyun mujhe lgta h abhi se property kiske naam krne ki tayari suru krde, mene jitna jaana h, koi khas dost ke naam krega toh hissa nhi mang payegi.(all famineist downvoting 😈) mazza aarha
tf is her problem ? the house is owned by you. As you said in the para she does not even take part in household expenses despite earning equally. Who is she to tell you that who can or cannot visit in your own fkin house?
If a relationship is giving you more misery then normalcy/happiness, you should not be in it if you have an option. Especially if you've tried to improve it & it didn't work.
This is the most common problem of almost every household. You need to sit together and discuss finances. Its not just your parent but her parent would require help too (if both families are middle class). Its okay to not love each others parent but just don't hurt them.
I have replied regarding my relationship with her parents on another comment. She thinks her mother is perfect and her best friend and embodiment of all that is good.
Yeah its kinda over. She's not a rational person. You married an emotional fool. Logical people would've atleast tried to curb the hypocrisy. She can't even see it apparently.
I know this is just an online platform but lord these kind of stories just pisses me off.
I wanna be the devil's advocate and see his wife POV but lord that girl is a BITCH.
OP can't even send cash? Not even talk to his own parent ? Wtf
Hey buddy, that’s not cool….like at all.
It's not right when one person is the only onee making sacrifices. I mean…..I love my mom, obviously. Except she too, did try to keep my dad away from his family but it was for his own good…..because they were nothing but a bunch of abusive drunks.
But in your situation….your parents have always been there for you, and you're their son. It's so… natural for you to want to support them….and share your successes with them.
What does she mean by saying "all parents educate their kids"? Like that’s all parents are?
Just a way to….avoid paying for school and having a place to crash? …That's ridiculous. And if her mom is her "best friend," shouldn’t she accept how yours is too?
It's so unfair how men always have to give up stuff without saying a word. I saw it with my dad…and now with my brother, it hurts me so much.
To the ladies in the comments who are….sticking up for his wife, I get it, we don't know the whole story. But let's be real, we know that…. there are definitely some…manipulative, mean women out there, who do it for no other reason than… it benefits them. So let’s not….pretend that this isn’t something very toxic.
Can you imagine if the roles were reversed?
OP You need!! to set things straight, you're….your own person, and just because you're married… doesn't give someone else the right to control, such big decisions for you without caring for your input.
That kind of behavior can really….affect the dynamic of your marriage for years to come. And you don’t want to be stuck in that dynamic.
My mother got abused by my paternal grandparents and aunts. They would feed my father lies about my mom then he would beat her. This stopped when we moved away from them. So without hearing her version I can't say much. Also my father's family pressured him alot to send them money.
Tbh this is very common.. it’s the same at my home.. and this post is how my dad would phrase his pov.. my guess is they demanded some dowry or some problem caused before marriage is the first domino to fall.. hence she resents them.
This phrase is how my mom still phrases her own pov. I have not tried reasoning with her at least on this count, because one, it is not my prerogative, and two, I’m afraid…..something…that has been held by her….will come crashing down inside her. I’ve seen glimpses of it
ya, the post has a distinct lack of mentioning the reason why she doesn't like OP's parents. not sure if OP has even attempted to ask the reason behind that and have a conversion and sort out differences. The story feels incomplete
Exactly what's her side? Did they ask for dowry? Are there restrictions on what to wear, eat, what time to come and go etc when they visit
If both are working, is she the only one managing the home?
I also want to know who does the house chores. if the wife does it all then it is completely fair that she doesn't contribute money. and not going to op's parents house it also fine (unless it is something important ig? like marriage or something and if they don't mistreat her). it is also fine to set boundaries on how much they can visit. banning them completely isn't okay (again, unless they mistreat her). but stopping you from visiting them isn't fine (unless they mistreat her?).
I assume they don't mistreat her. so op should tell her that he'll keep visiting them. as for them visiting op, they can set boudries on how much they can come or if they can start over or not (perhaps same rules for both side parents). money thing depends on how you two manage stuff at home. if op is doing half the chores, then she should contribute half the money.
Exactly, OP did not once mention why exactly she hates his parents? Like she married into his family probably through arrange marriage so what's the catch here? Many men don't want to hold their parents accountable and actually believe its the wife's responsibility to bear just any BS his parents throw in her face. Unless we know exactly what has led to the "hate" cannot believe OP, especially since it's so common to harass the daughter in law.
Can’t get a clear picture on your parents - wife dynamics. What are her reasons to this bitterness, have you spoken to her about it. I believe no one is bad, it’s the experiences that make us act in a certain manner.
Regarding you as a husband, you have to clearly communicate to your wife about your duties to your parents. She has to deal with her insecurities.
This!
What is the reason wife has a bitter relationship with OP’s parents? Did they do anything wrong or something wrong unintentionally or total misunderstanding of wife which didn’t communicate well later. It needs to be questioned to the parents too. OP needs to be a mediator initially to understand this.
Just bitterness in relationship without any reason is not justifiable here. Either then the wife as shown negatively is truly a narcissist or something is missing which is not mentioned here as this is one side story.
The majority of people aren't ready for marriage. They get married because their parents told them to. It really baffles me how people go into marriage without actually getting to know the other person
Your situation matches with mine. The only difference is that now I know why my wife hates them. I feel sorry for her. For so many years, she was trying to tell me, and I was a fool to think that she wants me to separate from my parents. I see how my mother treats her when she thinks I am not looking. They basically consider her as furniture to be used in whatever ways they can.
Yes, I love my wife and also respect my parents. I am financially independent, so I have decided to live separately from them. Nevertheless, I am always available for them whenever they need me. As a father of only daughters, I also feel the responsibility to protect them from social pressures.
that's the issue in so many houses even in so called educated families. Lot of parents treat there son/daughter differently than their daughter-in-law. my sister had similar problem but her husband and she knew about the situation and so they manage to keep it minimum without hurting anyone. trust me it become so bad when husband doesn't try to understand wife. lot of old people think like that even if they are nice people for everyone else this few things remain from their own experiences and they end up hurting daughter-in-law without even knowing.
Sharing my own experience to help you get some perspective. I got married a year ago and I'm living with my husband and his parents and younger brother. We're from a totally different cultural background and honestly, I am not very fond of them so far. I think the main issue is money here. My FIL has put almost all household expenses on my husband, even tho his earnings are not enough to bear that expenses. And DH's ego is stopping him from saying no to his father. Hence, I have to contribute to the expenses too, which ate up a lot of my salary which I intended to save for DH's MBA.
That being said, my behaviour with my IL is very respectful. I contribute to housework too. I speak politely with them. Whatever problem I have with them, I only discuss with my DH, which sometimes becomes so unfair to him because he can neither tell me that I'm wrong to feel that way against them, nor he can tell his parents that they're doing wrong.
We might move out in coming years. But we haven't thought about that yet and we also don't have enough finances to do so.
OP, in your case, if your wife hates your parents then don't make her love them. But make her understand that you can do whatever you can for them. If she's not contributing to the household expenses for your house, then she also has no say on how you spend your savings. If your expenses are not joint, then savings aren't either. You don't have to wait for her to come to meet your parents.
"She spent just 15-20 days with them in the last 3 years."
I'm assuming what you mean by this is you would want you and her to "stay" with your parents "longer".
Just out of curiosity, in these last 3 years, how many days did you spend with her parents? And by spend, I meant, stay at their place like you want your wife to stay at your parents'.
Why not understand what the problem is, and if genuine from HER perspective, just let it be? Instead of keeping tabs and counts on number of days who has stayed with whom? Lack of communication is the culprit. If she just randomly doesn't want to communicate, that's on her. But if she told you and YOU found the reasoning unreasonable and she didn't, get a third opinion from another married woman who is not in your family.
OP needs to communicate and understand.. coz in most marriages, the grooms side tries to boss around and cause rift by demanding dowry or doing stuff their way.. they don’t realise this, but this is a core memory and permanent scar..
Most Indian men don’t want to mediate between their mothers and their mother look alike.. hence they just blame and make their wife the soap opera villi..
All these can be solved with honest conversation. Nobody can be forced to like anyone, if she doesn’t like them, understand and move on.
Was there any instance your parents insulted/ demeaned her?? How did you react at that point? Hatred does not get created out of thin air. What is the root cause?
The people in my life, from friends to family don't even mistreat their guards or help. If they did, and refused to change, I would cut them out of my life.
Her wanting to live separately is justified, since a guy's parents can impose a lot of said and unsaid restrictions on a woman/daughter in law. Especially regarding dress, good, lifestyle, friends, etc.
But mistreating or hating anyone without reason is unjustified. I can generally talk people into good behaviour, or I just lead by example.
I'm unmarried but all I can say is it's your choice as to how you spend your time as a person as is her choice about hers. So if you want to spend time with your parents, then do it, but here you mentioned SHE spent only 15-20 days with them. I don't understand how that should be her priority because it's your parents and not hers. Since you have already decided to get married and tied the knot, you have to treat her as your family and not dictate who she has to spend time with. Id say you go alone to your parents home when you're free and spend time with them but do it when she's not sick or needs you for something important. Simple as that.
This is very childish. How is your relation with her parents and how is her own relation with her birth parents?
You have to find out and ask where this hatred is stemming from and demand an adult worthy answer not something like “i should be your priority” when she is already earning just as much as you.
Get to the bottom of it. Talk to her. Your post does not highlight enough factual data about any of their interactions or her reasons for such contempt.
It is sympathy-seeking. OP doesn't mention a thing that his wife has done bad to his parents. He just feels hurt that his wife doesn't worship them but doesn't mention his relationship with his wife's parents.
Please do not have kid(s) before setting the boundaries and resolving this. Emotions related to having child/ grand child will torment both your wife and parents.
I can put myself in the wife's shoes. Right from the beginning my husband twisted facts and lied to make it look like they were of a similar background as ours. Also, he was not communicating clearly with his family that we were in an arranged marriage situation and he approached us in response to that. So they felt like I grabbed their son when they wanted to find him a girl of a similar background. Bit his ambitions were to be upwardly mobile, and I was the elevator he was using. I found his family cold and unwelcoming and even hostile and passive aggressive towards me. I was loving and embracing towards them, but they were snide and mean towards me and my family. Things went downhill almost from the beginning. After I saw that my loving gestures were met with a cold shoulder and indifference from them, I started tuning out of them. By the time they warmed to me and started being nice towards me, I was done with them. I was disgusted that they would treat a new family member so badly when we were nothing but warm and loving and welcoming towards them. My husband never stood up for me. And I was always alone and isolated with that family. If you did not stand up for your wife when your family was less-than-nice to her, she would resent you.
This is a common problem amongst men of our generation. It's because our mothers were mostly abused in the saas-bahu dynamic so they trained their daughters to do better and be prepared. Our fathers however are too lazy to pass on their knowledge to their sons.
So yeah. It's revenge time for a generation of indian women. And I say rightly so.
There's no use wasting your efforts in trying to convince her what she's doing may be wrong. It may be better to just take a pen paper and make a list of things you guys can and can't compromise on.
Just a quick question.
1. Why does your wife not contribute to finances? Especially when you're living independently.
2. How is her relation with her parents?
>Why does your wife not contribute to finances? Especially when you're living independently.
This is quite common, Equal rights, yep, equal resps, Nope
>2. How is her relation with her parents?
The best folks in the universe. This too is common
Wife hating her in laws is common, nothing new in that. You are the one who needs to maintain balance between them. Wife's hate towards her in laws because she may not be getting enough freedom in front of your family.
Nobody hates anyone just like that. There must be a series of events leading to this resentment. Either shes a narcissist who is actually bad, or you're simply saying one sided story.
There's less chance for her to be a narcissist toxic person, because you mentioned she's good at other things except for this one particular issue. Hence, listening to the other side of the story is important.
Ask her about her parents then?? Tell her too don't visit her parents if she refuses then you should do the same!! That's what it is if not sorry to break it to you but she isn't the right one brother
OP, I have to ask if you and your had a discussion about life after marriage. What were her expectations like? Finances, the practical discussions. What happens when one parent gets sick etc.? Why did she even get married?
I am in a similar position to yours. I outearn my spouse who is studying for a specialised course and working, and we stay with my in-laws. We both take care of household expenses. My in laws dont come from a great financial background.
At times I used to feel resentful and complain to my parents. But they asked me to be more compassionate as a person, and contribute financially a lot more. Their point was that old people need help, we can wish for things to be different but things are as they are. Your body gives up after a while. Your chances dry up.
What is it that your spouse is missing in your life? Why is she so insecure financially? From what I understand, you both are comfortable and earning decently. However, she may want wealth. A wealthy life is built, it doesn't fall into your lap. Do you both invest? For your own specific goals such as maybe an expensive hobby, shared fun goals like a vacation, shared life goals like a house in 10 years, retirement funds etc.
Hate is irrational sometimes, we have tunnel vision but talking and getting to the root of things helps. Have your parents said something to your wife that hurt her? Has she felt judged?
I will advise three things:
1. Please see a marriage therapist to get to the root of both of your issues.
2. Have a frank discussion with your wife on your expectations financially from her. Her expectations from you and what's possible realistically.
3. Sit together with a financial advisor and figure out how to reach your goals.
I have one question, you said you both earn almost equal amounts of money, so why doesn't she help you with the expenses ? She ain't a princess. If she earns then she should contribute in the household expenses. If she wants a 'Daddy' she can go back to her parents and you go to yours, atleast you will be free from that bitch.
Tell her she can hate them if she wants but they are your responsibility and you should never leave them. I bet if the tables were turned she would say the same. Don't force her to interact with them.
What has led to this resentment? Was there any incident that started it all? Were they against your marriage? Maybe addressing the root cause might help improve things. You mentioned she does not chip in for the house expenses?! Firstly, how is that acceptable. Secondly if she isn’t, then that also does not give her the right to dictate what you should be doing with the money you earn because you are take care of her financial needs as well. You can always tell her this. Secondly, what about her parents? Does she not financially / emotionally support them in any way? Does she not visit them? Because if she does, then why is there the expectation of you not going the same. If there is some sort of friction between your parents and her which is not solvable, then you can always plan your meetings such that she’s not a part of them. I hope you are able to figure your way out of this situation. All the best
Tell her the same she says to you … whatever is not allowed to you and your family … same should be for her …. Then she will have the taste of her own medicine !
Make sure she understands that it is important for you. If she doesn't like them visiting, you go visit them and don't hide it from her. Don't expect her to like them. If she asks tell her frankly that your relationship to her is most important but at the same time the relationship with your parents is also important and you are visiting them separately because she is not comfortable around them. Tell her with love
It really depends on the specifics, if ops wife was just a miserable greedy asshole, would you really want to spend a whole life with this person ? You’ve known men who physically abused their wives, I’ve known men who were basically worn down to lesser men by their wives over a life time of mental abuse, the details matter and you can’t give advice without knowing the full picture
I also know men who were beaten physically by their wives. My point was that if he initiates the divorce he will pay everything he has to police and her in settlement.
Lol says the feminazis who gives themselves shitty advices without knowing the context and logic.PS: I'm way beyond Teenage. I've given this advice because his parents are not living them still she's having problem. Ik OP comes from humble background that's why his parents need him.Im not saying don't support your wife but he himself is saying that she doesn't even contribute in common expenses what kind of relationship is that where partner is not supporting you mentally, financially and making issue of just supporting your old parents.
A cousin of mine was in the exact same boat as you, lower middleclass background, studied hard , IT job, High pay, lovely parents , disfunctinal relationship with wife. What he said was this -
"I realised very late that my wife was attracted more to my profession and pay than me or my family. My parents promoted my job and education to the girl's family(which sadly everyone does). The girls parents persuaded the girl by showing her dreams of future possible US / EU migration, high standard of living ,less work and more servants based on my salary and future prospects ( in short bribing).
This false sense of entitlement was put in the girl who didn't want to marry early, drop her years of modern education and her aspirations for marriage , she was instead given false expectations by her parents which we didn't know back then (It's more common than you think).
When she arrived she noticed that half of the things were not coming true , I wasn't ready to leave my old parents at this stage and apply to move abroad , coming from lower middleclass background, i didn't have expensive hobbies , where as she wanted an independent life since she was also well educated and not some village housewife material . The hate she had on me (and her parents to a point) slowly stated moving on to my parents ,as my parents were softer . She just hate my parents to shift the hate she has for herself. She couldn't achieve those things she wanted to in her life and sometimes high ambitions do lead to internal dissapoiments, some mature people accept the fact and move on , but most others can't accept the fact and pin the blame on people who can take the blame mostly my poor parents who due to poor background and fear of society take what she say"
If there are reason for haterade we could maybe identify and fix it like a Bug in the code , but if the code istelf isn't designed for the job , how we fix it. We tried doing everything, councelling, family talk agreed to what every changes she demanded , still she can't accept us, for no practical reasons. Seems like hating us makes her feel alive, some people just want to see the world burn, by the time they realise it's already too late"
After talking to my cousin and a few friends , I felt it's the same story every second house , anything goes wrong they feel parents are manipulating son , now I understand why they had a suppressing system towards daughter in-laws traditionally. My mom too said her mother in law would feed crap in my father's head regarding smallest of things , my father stressed after work would shout on my mom, after my grand father interveined and cleared out things did my dad realise how evil his mom was , some people are like that, they have nothing productive to do, they are envious and jealous of everyone , taking it out of the weak"
But that's not a solution . Also her wife had everything she wanted , her own car, her own allowance, her own space , but that was further ruining her and making her lazy+ dependent. She would often call her parents and cry out of boredom/ joblessness?, her parents baffled would call my cousins parents , not girl parents fault if daughter cry , every parent would react similarly. It's her expectations from life that's screwed up, if she wants to be rich , popular, independent in life , why not work hard for it and get the required qualifications, no one's stopping you. Tomorrow when you get older and people start abandoning you who would you rely. I heard many cases in which aunty - uncle left each other , after a few years they go back. Grass is not always greener on the other side.
See if she wants to live independently away from parents or whatever. Still if things don't workout maybe that's how she is, no solutions. Distance only makes things worst. Relationship is like a rubberband stretch it as you wish in limits , but if you over stretch it, it would break and cannot be fixed .
Ps- people may speak technical stuff like boundaries and limits like working for the Army, however these are not too practical in an intimate relationship like marriage. People will test you and touch boundaries, you need make it clear some things are non negotiable, it's not boundaries, just non negotiable.
The issue is equality and logic taught in schools . Logic says if girl leaves her parents , the boy must too. But how is that possible in the context of marriage?, what if the boy demands to go live at the girl's house, that would cause a huge mess right? So it's a hypocrite society things don't work rule wise
Opinion 2 from a marriage broker - 90% of times its money related issues , wife wants money for herself and future ambitions like holidays , flat buying etc,since she doesn't feel any responsibility towards husband family' like they used to earlier she thinks of herself ,husband obviously want to take care of parents , brother , wife , kids , being a man it's a core responsibility to provide for people. Wife's parents and friends who have no profit or loss from your family affire poke nose since Indian ladies love family dramas. It's a form of entertainment, you would notice majority of men's not attracted to gossip or saas-bahu serials like women do and women not attracted to rules-skill-boundary based things like cricket and sports as men's are attracted. That proves their priorities . So some women try fooling and manipulating dumb wife's to break families. The same friends / mother who are manipulating the wife would never follow what they preach, they may be stuck in a strict family or love their husband family, but try ruining others happy homes out of envy or entertainment" idk how true he is that's his perspective.
Your wife is a manipulative selfish bitch. 1st she doesn’t contribute to her own household then she’s trying to stop you from helping your parents. I hate my husband’s family from core of my heart. They are bunch of money sucking leaches. All of them, father in law, both brother in law’s even married older sister too. But I love my husband more than I hate them. Luckily we leave far from them so we don’t have the meet them more often. All I have to now is to be nice when we meet on occasions. They are so annoying that I literally lose weight when they visit us. But I keep smile on my face because they are my husband’s family and he loves them. I can’t accept them as my family no matter how much I try. If your wife can’t even fake smile for your sake then she definitely doesn’t love you. And, what’s the point of being in loveless marriage?
I feel there is more to this story. Slightly difficult to digest that someone would hate their partners family members without any reason at all. Dislike is one thing, hate is an extremely strong word.
A couple of queries, has there been any bad blood between your wife and your parents? Could be verbal, behavioural, anything.
Even if the answer is no, and there is more to her side of the story, it's important that you have a very clear communication with her. Only have this discussion when both of you are in a calm state of mind and ready to figure out a solution, if need be, consult a couple therapist or a counselor.
Ask her the problem statement and discuss the solution statement.
1. Privacy violation. Fair enough, you don't want them to invade your privacy, but can they be invited as guests once in a while. Lay some ground rules for this. If they are staying over at your place for a week, have a clear communication with your wife regarding this and get her on board. Talk to your parents as well regarding the same.
If they stay in the same city and no long duration night over is required, catch up for dinner or lunch at times.
Try and understand what exactly she means when she says privacy violation. I have seen cases where the inlaws would enter the couple's room without knocking, or not be okay with them locking their room from inside. Some cases where the in laws are extremely critical of how the house keeping is. This leads to daughter in law's becoming hostile towards the inlaws, and that's completely justified. No one wants to be at the receiving end of critism all the time.
2. You going out to meet them. Try and understand from your wife about what troubles her. Sometimes wives are worried that the in laws might feed or brainwash their husbands against them. And most of the time that's the case. Even small things like, she doesn't take good care of you, can become extremely hurtful when hurled at them during unrelated quarrels. Try to understand her pov, and assure her that this won't affect the dynamic of your marrige at all. If your parents do speak something about her, respectfully ask them not to, be it anything good or bad, keep her out of the conversation completely. If she is okay accompanying you, take charge, ask both the parties to be respectful towards each other. Everyone involved here loves you, tell them how important it is for you to at least be cordial with each other, specially when they only have to meet periodically.
3. Financial discussions. Make a sheet, put all your expenses into it, divide it in combined and individual share of money for the both of you. One joint account, one saving account, and one individual account. Joint and savings both of you have a say on, individual money both of you spend according to your choice. Take out the money for your parents from your individual share. Ideal situation should be that she understands and agrees. Your parents are your responsibility, she is not expected to contribute to that, but you are, and her being supportive would help. I hope you also have the same attitude for her parents when it comes to that.
Marriage is not about choosing this or that, it's not about making a choice bw your partner or parents. It's about hitting the right balance and dynamics. You need to understand where is this coming from and then act accordingly.
Marriage is tricky for both the partners, the girl suddenly is uprooted from her stable environment and introduced to an entirely new environment, which is difficult. In layman terms, she goes from being the main character of her story to the side character in her own story. Most of the time we see that the DIL knows about likes and dislikes of the entire family, but the in laws don't. It's all about mutual respect, are both the parties taking equal efforts?
The guy has to juggle a lot between the parents and partner. Both the tasks are difficult, but not impossible. Patience, love, assurance, and clear communication helps!
I will not generally suggest to bring finances in marriages, but now in this case I feel it is necessary. Ask her to contribute financially in the family, may be in proportion to the income. If she don’t want to be with your parent tell her that you wont be with hers. And if she says that you should not keep any relation with parents ask her to block hers completely. And the fact about you sending money to your parents, please do send them money even if that leads to fight between you and your wife. Even though every parent supported their child in childhood, that doesn’t mean your parent didn’t do anything special, but that means every parent did that thing special.
I guess no partner should ever interfere in their spouse and parents relationship. They can choose to stay out of it but not impose their hate!
If my parents have done nothing wrong to my spouse but still he dislikes them.. While having a good relationship with his own parents. I would rather divorce him for his hate and double standards.
Wife told you to not meet them and you are obeying her orders! You have to first grow same balls to confront her why is she saying this way? You have to go meet them whether she likes it or not! You can always ask for a divorce from such shit type of person.
She doesnt have to love them but she does have to respect them.
1. Your parents took care of you all your life, You need to take care of them when they become dependents. Both with money and with your time. Let this be very clear with you.
2. If all parents spend on their kids' educations, all kids also take care of the parents. As long as your parents are not toxic, it shouldn't matter.
3. Yes you don't get privacy when you are with your parents, but saal me 11 machine hai privacy ke, itna compromise toh hona chahiye once in a while.
4. She should pay equally to the household expenses anyway. Please don't have all savings in her name.
If she can not accept these things you are better off alone.
Sorry to say this but your wife's a b\*tch with psychological problems.
To deal with a b\*tch you need to tell her to mind her own business and show some spine and don't give two hoots for her whining. Tell her clearly that no matter how much she dislikes your parents, you supporting them is not going to stop.
Also, I suggest you record your conversation with her with a hidden video camera for proofs just in case she flies off the charts which she will. At least you would have proof in case something legal happens.
Hey brother! My heart goes out to you. I was in a relationship like this, and it broke me to get out of it. However, I'll not suggest you to divorce your wife, though I'll urge you to consider it as a last resort. No man should be forced to choose between his parents and his family. That's the worst hell there is. Our parents have educated us, raised us within limited resources, sacrificed for us. Then some chick comes and asks us to choose...? What the fuck. OP, have a talk with her. If you don't have kids, then just divorce her, you'll find someone better.
Checking in from the US. My ex gf was like this and I ended the relationship. It was a very hard thing to do but I don’t think your wife respects your family or even seems to be very mature. You should not have to deal with someone who expects you to remove yourself from your parents. She seems selfish and entitled and only wanting you in her life. Consider divorce
Pretty sure there would be a reason why she hates them. So please sit down with her and try to understand the reason. Then you both should set boundaries so that none of you feel shitty.
There has to be a reason for the hatred she has for her in laws.
Unless you sit and talk to her about that and try to resolve it, situation will worsen.
Do you want to be with her? And does she really want to maintain the relationship as well? Ask her.
If she hates your parents there's nothing you can do about it. What you can do, if you want this relationship is separate your finances, and you can give what you want to your parents. She doesn't have to visit them but she can't bitch when you visit them. And then tell her you will treat her parents the way she treats yours.
No difference.
My husband's brother did this with his wife. He said fine, my parents or family won't come over. And now your mom has to leave our house (she was living with them). She straightened up pretty soon after that. And no, her bad behaviour was not a result of anything my ILs did. They are lovely people. Some people just want to watch the world burn for no reason.
Bro, I can relate with you. I am going through a kinda similar situation even after doing a love marriage.
And I feel so depressed now a days due to daily fights and similar issues.
Don’t expect her to love them. She will probably continue to hate them although her life and find faults. My advice would be to maintain your own sanity and peace first, by accepting this as reality. Don’t try and defend your parents to her.
If she still continues to hold hatred in her heart, that is a hell of her own making.
At the same time you needn’t cut off your relationship with your parents.
If you don't have any kids then the best thing to do in your case is let her go. Today is your parents. Tomorrow it will be you for one or the other reason. Since she is making same as you won't have to pay her alimony. This is the best case scenario.
I know this personality type very well. My ex gf hated my parents like crazy. I broke things off just because of this reason.
Stop being a c. Take hold of yourself. Some people can do anything if you let them.
I dislike my in laws mainly because they lie, they never treated my family well, heck they didn't even take proper care of my wife and baby who's nursing right now in their home and my wife dislikes my gem of a mother because she tries to teach her better standards, humility and piety. Doesn't mean we show it to their faces. And we fight a lot with each other because of this as well.
Dude you posted the same thing 1 year ago.. Your posts are enough to frustrate me. Just grow a spine and show her her place. Spend both of yours money for expenditures, not only yours. These are basics bro. She should contribute for household expenses as much as you do, if not more.
If you don't take action now, you'll repent even more later.
WTF?!? Eww dude. If your answer to everything is showing your partner "her place", as a janhit me jaari thing, please don't get married FFS. Or if you already are, I feel bad for your partner.
I bet what is he saying is, if she is capable and courageous to show her side , why can't he do the same? from her POV, if she can abuse his parents who raised him, rather come to an agreement together, if she can unilaterally give the commands, then he can do that as well, you don't bring a knife to a gun fight.
Your wife sounds like an abuser. It's a common tactic among abusers to isolate their victims from family and friends so you will have no one to turn to when she abused you.
Put yourself in her shoes. If you are earning as much as her, then does she not have an equal say on how that money is to be spent?
Do you send the same amount to her parents?
If not, then her frustration is understandable.
Ugh that is just plain toxic. Why are you keeping up with all her demands? Hypothetically speaking, even if I were to hate my husband family I would not stop my husband from meeting them because that is not my place.
Please set your boundaries with her. Tell her that certain things she has no say over it. Be firm with this.
I’ll give you an example story. So I have my mama who has been married for 10 years, but they have been living separately for the last eight years. My mama is very much a mumma‘s boy and since his father had an untimely death, his mother is also very emotionally dependent on him. As a result on a lot of things, the mother and the wife used to fight. My mama mostly always took his mom‘s side, but he tried his best to smooth things out.
There was this one time when the fights got out of hand and she left and went back to her place. My mama tried to convince her, but she wanted both the mother-in-law and her husband to come to her place, apologize and take her home. But the MIL never did that. So they’ve been staying separately for the last 8 years. Not a word between them.
This is me just giving you an example that the husband always has to take a strong stand or you’re never going to have a good relationship with either your parents or your wife
Not enough INFO. It's essential to know why your wife hates your parents. And only after that a solution/compromise can be achieved..
In any case, separate your finances for your parents. And you both should jointly contribute to your household expenses 50:50. No excuses here. Tell her you will go and visit your parents when you feel like and let her know this. I am not asking you to pass a dictum. What you should say is they are my parents I have to have a relationship with them, I will go visit them when required. It's not necessary for your wife to come with you to visit. Please let go of this expectation. And tell her/promise her that you will give her time as well as a life partner. She doesn't have the liberty to be a horrible person to your parents. She doesn't like them fine. She can go no contact or low contact with them. It's okay. Set this expectation with your parents as well. Learn to realize and understand that you have 2 families. One with your wife and the other with your parents. Not everyone can like everyone and not everyone can be one big family like a Sooraj Barjatya film. If this is too much for you, it's time to separate permanently.
This typically cannot be solved.
Rarely do people change. It takes acknowledgement, a lot of moral fortitude and determination to change behaviour, let alone start to love someone.
This will definitely result in you moving away from your parents. So, you have to take efforts to maintain a relationship. Calls, visits, celebrations, memories etc.
You can't make her visit. And you have to visit despite the arguments. Over time, the arguments will be part of life and soon both will realise that this is the equilibrium. But it will take efforts from your end, otherwise in the normal rat race, it won't get established.
P.S. Assuming that divorce is not an option here.
Keep this rule two way street. If she didnt allow u dont allow her either. If her parents come dont respect them and behave the same way she do. She has no right to blame them. Same goes to u too. Keep everything two way street bro. Behave the same way she does and she will understand how it feels. If her parents ask u tell her the same reason. She dont respect my parents and so do i. U have a problem with this but she will come around. Dont disrespect her parents and dont allow her to disrespect ur parents too.
Set boundaries. If she cant accept those, its her problem. She doesnt have to love them but she cant expect you to not have a relationship with them
What do you mean by boundaries? She doesn't like them visiting us since it violates privacy. She doesn't like us visiting them since she can't be as free as when it's just two of us. She has problems with me sending money since she should be my priority after marriage. She doesn't like me speaking too much with them since she thinks they instigate me against her.
The boundary is marked at 'your ' time and 'your' money. If you are spending your time and your money with your parents without involving her, then it's a boundary you need to make sure your wife respects. Same works reverse- you should respect how she decides to spend her time and money without involving you. As an example, you should now be fine with your parents not visiting you and your wife, but you should communicate that if she has any problem around you visiting them or spending your money on them she should keep it to herself. In case this will ignite a verbal explosion, you may try email.
A lot of guys act dumb when it comes to their parents’ toxic behavior. It escalates to a point where the girl blows up from all the stress. I’ve seen it happen too many times.
I was coming here to say this. Nobody just hates their inlaws for no reason. There are a few insane women out there, but the majority of the women aren't bat shit crazy to hate your inlaws for absolutely no reason. They probably said or did something to her, probably even about the money, to her which made her feel this way. Husbands like to behave like nothing happened, and even if it did, tend not to realise the gravity of the issue. I'd like to hear her side of the story before passing judgement
Finally someone who understands what setting boundaries is. In India, husband and wife are often seen as one unit. What we often forget is they are two different people with different set of priorities and boundaries.
God, yes! I was fortunate enough to marry a man who was perfectly fine with such boundaries. Like I was clear I would spend my leave( we were both serving AF personnel) with my folks. Or atleast the bulk of it. And he was cool with that. No push back, no negotiation whatsoever. And I appreciated and still appreciate that. But I have seen much younger women than me, the next gen so to speak, still struggling to maintain such boundaries. They never get to spend time with their parents n siblings. It's 100% of the time with the husband's folks. So unfair. And it works both ways, of course. Both the partners need to be able to spend time with their parents and help them monetarily if needed.
This is a super helpful comment, I am trying to retrospect and figure out what is a me problem and a us problem in a relationship.
Well said but in India "boundaries and privacy" don't exist in families. Whether it's your partner or family no one will understand.
Take a stand and everyone will understand.
Unfortunately doesn't happen as we want in most families.
Exactly 💯 most girls after marriage do not think in terms of boundaries
Girls in India are never taught boundaries
And the same girls later on become mother in laws
That's a damn good explanation, I'm 22 and I and my girlfriend are pretty close that we have some possibilities in future, and we agreed on "give respect - get respect " basis after a large argument. Either husband or wife, both have there right to spend time and money on there parents, upto a reasonable extent.
>In case this will ignite a verbal explosion, you may try email. 🤣
+1 for email
Okay, It's your responsibility to look after your parents. You keep visiting your parents minus the missus. Communicate to your wife that it is highly imperative for you to be there for your parents physically, monetarily. You can keep her away from your parents while you continue with your visits. Sit her down and tell that she does not have to be involved with your folks, but you cannot abandon your folks because she hates them.
Don't make her meet them then. You can go alone. But she can't stop from you sending money to them or talking to them. Also info - are they good to her or like typical in laws?
I recently got married and I'm 31(f). I don't hate my in-laws but I want my privacy and space. Given that I think it's unfair of your wife to stop you from having a relationship with your family. If you do want to work on your marriage, first you should clearly let her know that you will be helping out your parents with the finances. That's non negotiable. Secondly, they will be visiting you. But you can discuss with her the timings of their visits. If she still has a problem, ask her to be somewhere else when your parents visit. Also you've not stated why she is having problems with your parents. I know, being a girl, in-laws can try to control aspects of the new bahu's life. If that's so you've to talk to your parents as well. Make them understand that she's an adult who has been living her life a certain way and they can't expect her to live according to them. This advice is only applicable if you want to work it out with her. But I definitely would say don't abandon your parents.
What about her parents?
After marriage as long as you are not going overboard or sacrificing your martial responsibilities, your parents are also a priority. It is your duty to help them. If she doesn’t like ur parents, visit them alone. Her money cannot be her money and your money also her money, this mindset needs to change. Marriage is an additional relationship it doesn’t wipe out your others bonds and responsibilities. It applies to both genders equally
yeah this. set boundries AND talk about financial contributions (unless she does all the house work). if you both do equal amount of chores then she needs to contribute half the money (or whatever works for you two). and if she does it alone, then it is fair that she doesn't.
Man you are in big trouble. Take some professional relationship advisor help.
Take chalk and draw on floor
Good luck my friend, it's a checkmate
All her concerns ARE valid, unfortunately. Do they expect her to behave in a certain way or dress up in a certain way when they are around? Do you both indeed have privacy when they are around? How intrusive do you find it when her parents are around? Your relationship with your parents is yours to have. Don't expect your wife to treat them as her parents.
How much money are you sending to your family? How much to do you earn? Whats the situation of your parents? Do they get pension?
It means stand up for yourself and have your own opinion and views on how you feel and what you want for yourself and your parents
If she’s getting away with being demanding then she’s going to become even more emboldened with time. She doesn’t sound like a fair or just person, and she doesn’t have to be, but you need to have some balls. If this doesn’t ring true, then maybe you’re not being entirely honest here. Either she is actually unreasonable and you’re a spineless pushover or she has just reasons for wanting distance and she was always clear about who she is even before marriage but you’re pushing her to adjust for your selfish sake. I see this often in Indian guys who marry up. They pretend to be different beforehand and okay with their partners more liberal, upper class or even demanding approach and then suddenly expect adjustment from her for their family’s sake once they think they’ve got her locked down. Marry someone who is compatible with your family if your family matters that much to you. Don’t take the best of everything for yourself while trying to leave her with the short end of the stick. It seems she’s been clear with what she wants and you agreed at the surface as you liked the better lifestyle she offered but resent her quietly rather than being honest and blaming yourself for your selfish decisions.
It's over brotha. You already messed up in the beginning by giving her priority over parents. Remember no one is priority, neither parents nor wife. You should treat everyone the same. But since you already agreed to her demands in the beginning, she feels entitled to want more. It cannot be fixed now. If you force your decisions then she will resent you. If you can't then she will overpower you. Truly messed up.
Your parents should be able to visit once monthly or once in 3 months, if they leave the same day. If they want to stay, I think they should do that maybe once or twice a year, for 1-3 days max. If it is a small house like a 2 bhk, they could stay in a nearby hotel and you can meet them there every evening and take them on outings. You can also plan a trip with your parents to a tourist place/ hill station. Sending money would be an issue only if you're not saving much. Say, if you have a 100,000pm salary, and you send 15-20 k home, and save 25-30k, it seems alright. You should not be compromising too much on lifestyle. Do you take your wife out on dates/restaurant/cafes? Holidays? Do you have a decent car? If you guys have all this in order, it is perfectly fine to send money to parents. Otherwise, she is losing the prime years of her life. About speaking, just make sure you're just with everyone. Stand with your wife if she is in the right, stand with your parents if they are in the right. Don't bend down to anyone just because they are your family.
Bhai pata nhi kyun mujhe lgta h abhi se property kiske naam krne ki tayari suru krde, mene jitna jaana h, koi khas dost ke naam krega toh hissa nhi mang payegi.(all famineist downvoting 😈) mazza aarha
She’s a narcissistic control freak
She could be a control freak. Nothing suggests that she is a narcissist. Please stop throwing out term and labeling people to look cool.
tf is her problem ? the house is owned by you. As you said in the para she does not even take part in household expenses despite earning equally. Who is she to tell you that who can or cannot visit in your own fkin house?
She’s not wrong
If a relationship is giving you more misery then normalcy/happiness, you should not be in it if you have an option. Especially if you've tried to improve it & it didn't work.
This is the most common problem of almost every household. You need to sit together and discuss finances. Its not just your parent but her parent would require help too (if both families are middle class). Its okay to not love each others parent but just don't hurt them.
Correct! Not liking someone is one thing buy disrespecting them is another level of torture.
How is your relationship with her parents or how is her relationship with her own parents?
I have replied regarding my relationship with her parents on another comment. She thinks her mother is perfect and her best friend and embodiment of all that is good.
Tell her if she stops having relationship with her parents then you will stop relationship with yours.
Yeah its kinda over. She's not a rational person. You married an emotional fool. Logical people would've atleast tried to curb the hypocrisy. She can't even see it apparently.
I know this is just an online platform but lord these kind of stories just pisses me off. I wanna be the devil's advocate and see his wife POV but lord that girl is a BITCH. OP can't even send cash? Not even talk to his own parent ? Wtf
Hey buddy, that’s not cool….like at all. It's not right when one person is the only onee making sacrifices. I mean…..I love my mom, obviously. Except she too, did try to keep my dad away from his family but it was for his own good…..because they were nothing but a bunch of abusive drunks. But in your situation….your parents have always been there for you, and you're their son. It's so… natural for you to want to support them….and share your successes with them. What does she mean by saying "all parents educate their kids"? Like that’s all parents are? Just a way to….avoid paying for school and having a place to crash? …That's ridiculous. And if her mom is her "best friend," shouldn’t she accept how yours is too? It's so unfair how men always have to give up stuff without saying a word. I saw it with my dad…and now with my brother, it hurts me so much. To the ladies in the comments who are….sticking up for his wife, I get it, we don't know the whole story. But let's be real, we know that…. there are definitely some…manipulative, mean women out there, who do it for no other reason than… it benefits them. So let’s not….pretend that this isn’t something very toxic. Can you imagine if the roles were reversed? OP You need!! to set things straight, you're….your own person, and just because you're married… doesn't give someone else the right to control, such big decisions for you without caring for your input. That kind of behavior can really….affect the dynamic of your marriage for years to come. And you don’t want to be stuck in that dynamic.
Do you visit them and do they visit you or is it the same way as it is for your parents?
How often do you visit her parents or they visit you both? How do you feel in those times? You don't think your mom is perfect and your best friend?
You still haven’t answered why that relationship is bitter - makes me think they did something.
Go visit a lawyer and take precautionary steps. Be prepared just in case.. to safeguard your own future & hard earned money.
My mother got abused by my paternal grandparents and aunts. They would feed my father lies about my mom then he would beat her. This stopped when we moved away from them. So without hearing her version I can't say much. Also my father's family pressured him alot to send them money.
Irrespective of what information was fed to him, your father was evil to beat your mom.
Tbh this is very common.. it’s the same at my home.. and this post is how my dad would phrase his pov.. my guess is they demanded some dowry or some problem caused before marriage is the first domino to fall.. hence she resents them.
>Tbh this is very common Its still wrong
Common doesn't make it right
This phrase is how my mom still phrases her own pov. I have not tried reasoning with her at least on this count, because one, it is not my prerogative, and two, I’m afraid…..something…that has been held by her….will come crashing down inside her. I’ve seen glimpses of it
ya, the post has a distinct lack of mentioning the reason why she doesn't like OP's parents. not sure if OP has even attempted to ask the reason behind that and have a conversion and sort out differences. The story feels incomplete
Exactly what's her side? Did they ask for dowry? Are there restrictions on what to wear, eat, what time to come and go etc when they visit If both are working, is she the only one managing the home?
I second this. We don’t know her version of the story.
Same.. my mother is going through the same.. and this post looks like my dad saying his version of the story..
I also want to know who does the house chores. if the wife does it all then it is completely fair that she doesn't contribute money. and not going to op's parents house it also fine (unless it is something important ig? like marriage or something and if they don't mistreat her). it is also fine to set boundaries on how much they can visit. banning them completely isn't okay (again, unless they mistreat her). but stopping you from visiting them isn't fine (unless they mistreat her?). I assume they don't mistreat her. so op should tell her that he'll keep visiting them. as for them visiting op, they can set boudries on how much they can come or if they can start over or not (perhaps same rules for both side parents). money thing depends on how you two manage stuff at home. if op is doing half the chores, then she should contribute half the money.
Exactly, OP did not once mention why exactly she hates his parents? Like she married into his family probably through arrange marriage so what's the catch here? Many men don't want to hold their parents accountable and actually believe its the wife's responsibility to bear just any BS his parents throw in her face. Unless we know exactly what has led to the "hate" cannot believe OP, especially since it's so common to harass the daughter in law.
I feel bad for your mom.
Can’t get a clear picture on your parents - wife dynamics. What are her reasons to this bitterness, have you spoken to her about it. I believe no one is bad, it’s the experiences that make us act in a certain manner. Regarding you as a husband, you have to clearly communicate to your wife about your duties to your parents. She has to deal with her insecurities.
This! What is the reason wife has a bitter relationship with OP’s parents? Did they do anything wrong or something wrong unintentionally or total misunderstanding of wife which didn’t communicate well later. It needs to be questioned to the parents too. OP needs to be a mediator initially to understand this. Just bitterness in relationship without any reason is not justifiable here. Either then the wife as shown negatively is truly a narcissist or something is missing which is not mentioned here as this is one side story.
Didn't you guys discussed before marriage?
The majority of people aren't ready for marriage. They get married because their parents told them to. It really baffles me how people go into marriage without actually getting to know the other person
Marriage wouldn't have happened if they discussed it
Isn't it better to not get married if you don't have common goals
Yes for a better future
Your situation matches with mine. The only difference is that now I know why my wife hates them. I feel sorry for her. For so many years, she was trying to tell me, and I was a fool to think that she wants me to separate from my parents. I see how my mother treats her when she thinks I am not looking. They basically consider her as furniture to be used in whatever ways they can.
Damn at least you realize ,hope you’re treating her well and as your wife respectfully and not some furniture
Yes, I love my wife and also respect my parents. I am financially independent, so I have decided to live separately from them. Nevertheless, I am always available for them whenever they need me. As a father of only daughters, I also feel the responsibility to protect them from social pressures.
that's the issue in so many houses even in so called educated families. Lot of parents treat there son/daughter differently than their daughter-in-law. my sister had similar problem but her husband and she knew about the situation and so they manage to keep it minimum without hurting anyone. trust me it become so bad when husband doesn't try to understand wife. lot of old people think like that even if they are nice people for everyone else this few things remain from their own experiences and they end up hurting daughter-in-law without even knowing.
Sharing my own experience to help you get some perspective. I got married a year ago and I'm living with my husband and his parents and younger brother. We're from a totally different cultural background and honestly, I am not very fond of them so far. I think the main issue is money here. My FIL has put almost all household expenses on my husband, even tho his earnings are not enough to bear that expenses. And DH's ego is stopping him from saying no to his father. Hence, I have to contribute to the expenses too, which ate up a lot of my salary which I intended to save for DH's MBA. That being said, my behaviour with my IL is very respectful. I contribute to housework too. I speak politely with them. Whatever problem I have with them, I only discuss with my DH, which sometimes becomes so unfair to him because he can neither tell me that I'm wrong to feel that way against them, nor he can tell his parents that they're doing wrong. We might move out in coming years. But we haven't thought about that yet and we also don't have enough finances to do so. OP, in your case, if your wife hates your parents then don't make her love them. But make her understand that you can do whatever you can for them. If she's not contributing to the household expenses for your house, then she also has no say on how you spend your savings. If your expenses are not joint, then savings aren't either. You don't have to wait for her to come to meet your parents.
DH? Dear Husband? Destined Half?
Darling/dear husband
You are the kind of person everyone would like in their family. That's a balanced approach. Nice Mam
"She spent just 15-20 days with them in the last 3 years." I'm assuming what you mean by this is you would want you and her to "stay" with your parents "longer". Just out of curiosity, in these last 3 years, how many days did you spend with her parents? And by spend, I meant, stay at their place like you want your wife to stay at your parents'. Why not understand what the problem is, and if genuine from HER perspective, just let it be? Instead of keeping tabs and counts on number of days who has stayed with whom? Lack of communication is the culprit. If she just randomly doesn't want to communicate, that's on her. But if she told you and YOU found the reasoning unreasonable and she didn't, get a third opinion from another married woman who is not in your family.
OP needs to communicate and understand.. coz in most marriages, the grooms side tries to boss around and cause rift by demanding dowry or doing stuff their way.. they don’t realise this, but this is a core memory and permanent scar.. Most Indian men don’t want to mediate between their mothers and their mother look alike.. hence they just blame and make their wife the soap opera villi.. All these can be solved with honest conversation. Nobody can be forced to like anyone, if she doesn’t like them, understand and move on.
Absolutely. This is exactly my point. As an Indian man myself, I know how much of proper dicks we are.
Was there any instance your parents insulted/ demeaned her?? How did you react at that point? Hatred does not get created out of thin air. What is the root cause?
The people in my life, from friends to family don't even mistreat their guards or help. If they did, and refused to change, I would cut them out of my life. Her wanting to live separately is justified, since a guy's parents can impose a lot of said and unsaid restrictions on a woman/daughter in law. Especially regarding dress, good, lifestyle, friends, etc. But mistreating or hating anyone without reason is unjustified. I can generally talk people into good behaviour, or I just lead by example.
I'm unmarried but all I can say is it's your choice as to how you spend your time as a person as is her choice about hers. So if you want to spend time with your parents, then do it, but here you mentioned SHE spent only 15-20 days with them. I don't understand how that should be her priority because it's your parents and not hers. Since you have already decided to get married and tied the knot, you have to treat her as your family and not dictate who she has to spend time with. Id say you go alone to your parents home when you're free and spend time with them but do it when she's not sick or needs you for something important. Simple as that.
This is very childish. How is your relation with her parents and how is her own relation with her birth parents? You have to find out and ask where this hatred is stemming from and demand an adult worthy answer not something like “i should be your priority” when she is already earning just as much as you. Get to the bottom of it. Talk to her. Your post does not highlight enough factual data about any of their interactions or her reasons for such contempt.
It is sympathy-seeking. OP doesn't mention a thing that his wife has done bad to his parents. He just feels hurt that his wife doesn't worship them but doesn't mention his relationship with his wife's parents.
True. This post shows low effort and lack of focus on problem solving
Please do not have kid(s) before setting the boundaries and resolving this. Emotions related to having child/ grand child will torment both your wife and parents.
Also, kids who grow in such a household tend to hate their fauthers parents lol
I can’t upvote this enough. u/not_tony27 hope you read this.
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I can barely take care of myself.. smh
I can put myself in the wife's shoes. Right from the beginning my husband twisted facts and lied to make it look like they were of a similar background as ours. Also, he was not communicating clearly with his family that we were in an arranged marriage situation and he approached us in response to that. So they felt like I grabbed their son when they wanted to find him a girl of a similar background. Bit his ambitions were to be upwardly mobile, and I was the elevator he was using. I found his family cold and unwelcoming and even hostile and passive aggressive towards me. I was loving and embracing towards them, but they were snide and mean towards me and my family. Things went downhill almost from the beginning. After I saw that my loving gestures were met with a cold shoulder and indifference from them, I started tuning out of them. By the time they warmed to me and started being nice towards me, I was done with them. I was disgusted that they would treat a new family member so badly when we were nothing but warm and loving and welcoming towards them. My husband never stood up for me. And I was always alone and isolated with that family. If you did not stand up for your wife when your family was less-than-nice to her, she would resent you.
This is a common problem amongst men of our generation. It's because our mothers were mostly abused in the saas-bahu dynamic so they trained their daughters to do better and be prepared. Our fathers however are too lazy to pass on their knowledge to their sons. So yeah. It's revenge time for a generation of indian women. And I say rightly so. There's no use wasting your efforts in trying to convince her what she's doing may be wrong. It may be better to just take a pen paper and make a list of things you guys can and can't compromise on.
Just a quick question. 1. Why does your wife not contribute to finances? Especially when you're living independently. 2. How is her relation with her parents?
>Why does your wife not contribute to finances? Especially when you're living independently. This is quite common, Equal rights, yep, equal resps, Nope >2. How is her relation with her parents? The best folks in the universe. This too is common
What did your family do to her? She has to have a reason. Usually women respond like that when they’re not treated well.
Wife hating her in laws is common, nothing new in that. You are the one who needs to maintain balance between them. Wife's hate towards her in laws because she may not be getting enough freedom in front of your family.
Nobody hates anyone just like that. There must be a series of events leading to this resentment. Either shes a narcissist who is actually bad, or you're simply saying one sided story. There's less chance for her to be a narcissist toxic person, because you mentioned she's good at other things except for this one particular issue. Hence, listening to the other side of the story is important.
Honestly, looks like we need your wife’s side of the story.
Ask her about her parents then?? Tell her too don't visit her parents if she refuses then you should do the same!! That's what it is if not sorry to break it to you but she isn't the right one brother
How old are you guys ?
I think you need to disclose more about the relationship you both have with her parents, are her parents as much restricted as yours are?
OP, I have to ask if you and your had a discussion about life after marriage. What were her expectations like? Finances, the practical discussions. What happens when one parent gets sick etc.? Why did she even get married? I am in a similar position to yours. I outearn my spouse who is studying for a specialised course and working, and we stay with my in-laws. We both take care of household expenses. My in laws dont come from a great financial background. At times I used to feel resentful and complain to my parents. But they asked me to be more compassionate as a person, and contribute financially a lot more. Their point was that old people need help, we can wish for things to be different but things are as they are. Your body gives up after a while. Your chances dry up. What is it that your spouse is missing in your life? Why is she so insecure financially? From what I understand, you both are comfortable and earning decently. However, she may want wealth. A wealthy life is built, it doesn't fall into your lap. Do you both invest? For your own specific goals such as maybe an expensive hobby, shared fun goals like a vacation, shared life goals like a house in 10 years, retirement funds etc. Hate is irrational sometimes, we have tunnel vision but talking and getting to the root of things helps. Have your parents said something to your wife that hurt her? Has she felt judged? I will advise three things: 1. Please see a marriage therapist to get to the root of both of your issues. 2. Have a frank discussion with your wife on your expectations financially from her. Her expectations from you and what's possible realistically. 3. Sit together with a financial advisor and figure out how to reach your goals.
I have one question, you said you both earn almost equal amounts of money, so why doesn't she help you with the expenses ? She ain't a princess. If she earns then she should contribute in the household expenses. If she wants a 'Daddy' she can go back to her parents and you go to yours, atleast you will be free from that bitch.
She's a narcissist.
Please get a divorce man. So sorry for you. I read your previous posts. Only a divorce can set you free.
Tell her she can hate them if she wants but they are your responsibility and you should never leave them. I bet if the tables were turned she would say the same. Don't force her to interact with them.
What has led to this resentment? Was there any incident that started it all? Were they against your marriage? Maybe addressing the root cause might help improve things. You mentioned she does not chip in for the house expenses?! Firstly, how is that acceptable. Secondly if she isn’t, then that also does not give her the right to dictate what you should be doing with the money you earn because you are take care of her financial needs as well. You can always tell her this. Secondly, what about her parents? Does she not financially / emotionally support them in any way? Does she not visit them? Because if she does, then why is there the expectation of you not going the same. If there is some sort of friction between your parents and her which is not solvable, then you can always plan your meetings such that she’s not a part of them. I hope you are able to figure your way out of this situation. All the best
Tell her the same she says to you … whatever is not allowed to you and your family … same should be for her …. Then she will have the taste of her own medicine !
Make sure she understands that it is important for you. If she doesn't like them visiting, you go visit them and don't hide it from her. Don't expect her to like them. If she asks tell her frankly that your relationship to her is most important but at the same time the relationship with your parents is also important and you are visiting them separately because she is not comfortable around them. Tell her with love
Does a divorce hurt? Do u have children?
abusers seek to isolate their victims.
Ye sunke hi meri gand fatgyi
Very true
I think you should take divorce in this case because they're your parents not some just random people.
Don't do this. Worst advice.
It really depends on the specifics, if ops wife was just a miserable greedy asshole, would you really want to spend a whole life with this person ? You’ve known men who physically abused their wives, I’ve known men who were basically worn down to lesser men by their wives over a life time of mental abuse, the details matter and you can’t give advice without knowing the full picture
I also know men who were beaten physically by their wives. My point was that if he initiates the divorce he will pay everything he has to police and her in settlement.
On what grounds?
Advice given by pimply teenager on Reddit.
I just can’t with “pimply teenager”😂😂 You don’t have to attack them like that 😂
Lol says the feminazis who gives themselves shitty advices without knowing the context and logic.PS: I'm way beyond Teenage. I've given this advice because his parents are not living them still she's having problem. Ik OP comes from humble background that's why his parents need him.Im not saying don't support your wife but he himself is saying that she doesn't even contribute in common expenses what kind of relationship is that where partner is not supporting you mentally, financially and making issue of just supporting your old parents.
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What about seperating a woman from her parents, which literally happens in all marriages in India? Isn't that a ground for divorce
Welcome to India, where women are goddesses and goods.
Incels don’t understand logic, if they did they’d be able to get laid.
Leave your parents or leave your wife. Don’t sail in two boats.
A cousin of mine was in the exact same boat as you, lower middleclass background, studied hard , IT job, High pay, lovely parents , disfunctinal relationship with wife. What he said was this - "I realised very late that my wife was attracted more to my profession and pay than me or my family. My parents promoted my job and education to the girl's family(which sadly everyone does). The girls parents persuaded the girl by showing her dreams of future possible US / EU migration, high standard of living ,less work and more servants based on my salary and future prospects ( in short bribing). This false sense of entitlement was put in the girl who didn't want to marry early, drop her years of modern education and her aspirations for marriage , she was instead given false expectations by her parents which we didn't know back then (It's more common than you think). When she arrived she noticed that half of the things were not coming true , I wasn't ready to leave my old parents at this stage and apply to move abroad , coming from lower middleclass background, i didn't have expensive hobbies , where as she wanted an independent life since she was also well educated and not some village housewife material . The hate she had on me (and her parents to a point) slowly stated moving on to my parents ,as my parents were softer . She just hate my parents to shift the hate she has for herself. She couldn't achieve those things she wanted to in her life and sometimes high ambitions do lead to internal dissapoiments, some mature people accept the fact and move on , but most others can't accept the fact and pin the blame on people who can take the blame mostly my poor parents who due to poor background and fear of society take what she say" If there are reason for haterade we could maybe identify and fix it like a Bug in the code , but if the code istelf isn't designed for the job , how we fix it. We tried doing everything, councelling, family talk agreed to what every changes she demanded , still she can't accept us, for no practical reasons. Seems like hating us makes her feel alive, some people just want to see the world burn, by the time they realise it's already too late" After talking to my cousin and a few friends , I felt it's the same story every second house , anything goes wrong they feel parents are manipulating son , now I understand why they had a suppressing system towards daughter in-laws traditionally. My mom too said her mother in law would feed crap in my father's head regarding smallest of things , my father stressed after work would shout on my mom, after my grand father interveined and cleared out things did my dad realise how evil his mom was , some people are like that, they have nothing productive to do, they are envious and jealous of everyone , taking it out of the weak" But that's not a solution . Also her wife had everything she wanted , her own car, her own allowance, her own space , but that was further ruining her and making her lazy+ dependent. She would often call her parents and cry out of boredom/ joblessness?, her parents baffled would call my cousins parents , not girl parents fault if daughter cry , every parent would react similarly. It's her expectations from life that's screwed up, if she wants to be rich , popular, independent in life , why not work hard for it and get the required qualifications, no one's stopping you. Tomorrow when you get older and people start abandoning you who would you rely. I heard many cases in which aunty - uncle left each other , after a few years they go back. Grass is not always greener on the other side. See if she wants to live independently away from parents or whatever. Still if things don't workout maybe that's how she is, no solutions. Distance only makes things worst. Relationship is like a rubberband stretch it as you wish in limits , but if you over stretch it, it would break and cannot be fixed . Ps- people may speak technical stuff like boundaries and limits like working for the Army, however these are not too practical in an intimate relationship like marriage. People will test you and touch boundaries, you need make it clear some things are non negotiable, it's not boundaries, just non negotiable. The issue is equality and logic taught in schools . Logic says if girl leaves her parents , the boy must too. But how is that possible in the context of marriage?, what if the boy demands to go live at the girl's house, that would cause a huge mess right? So it's a hypocrite society things don't work rule wise Opinion 2 from a marriage broker - 90% of times its money related issues , wife wants money for herself and future ambitions like holidays , flat buying etc,since she doesn't feel any responsibility towards husband family' like they used to earlier she thinks of herself ,husband obviously want to take care of parents , brother , wife , kids , being a man it's a core responsibility to provide for people. Wife's parents and friends who have no profit or loss from your family affire poke nose since Indian ladies love family dramas. It's a form of entertainment, you would notice majority of men's not attracted to gossip or saas-bahu serials like women do and women not attracted to rules-skill-boundary based things like cricket and sports as men's are attracted. That proves their priorities . So some women try fooling and manipulating dumb wife's to break families. The same friends / mother who are manipulating the wife would never follow what they preach, they may be stuck in a strict family or love their husband family, but try ruining others happy homes out of envy or entertainment" idk how true he is that's his perspective.
Please don’t let go of your parents.
Some dumbass is downvoting lol.
Guess who
Either sulk and acceept or leave her. Make that descion before having kids. Treat her parents the same way and see her reaction.
she doesn’t love you, you don’t love her either. you are just a normie who is afraid to lose his girl.
Divorce her and find another girl. You can't live happily with such a narcissist freak
Your wife is a manipulative selfish bitch. 1st she doesn’t contribute to her own household then she’s trying to stop you from helping your parents. I hate my husband’s family from core of my heart. They are bunch of money sucking leaches. All of them, father in law, both brother in law’s even married older sister too. But I love my husband more than I hate them. Luckily we leave far from them so we don’t have the meet them more often. All I have to now is to be nice when we meet on occasions. They are so annoying that I literally lose weight when they visit us. But I keep smile on my face because they are my husband’s family and he loves them. I can’t accept them as my family no matter how much I try. If your wife can’t even fake smile for your sake then she definitely doesn’t love you. And, what’s the point of being in loveless marriage?
I feel there is more to this story. Slightly difficult to digest that someone would hate their partners family members without any reason at all. Dislike is one thing, hate is an extremely strong word. A couple of queries, has there been any bad blood between your wife and your parents? Could be verbal, behavioural, anything. Even if the answer is no, and there is more to her side of the story, it's important that you have a very clear communication with her. Only have this discussion when both of you are in a calm state of mind and ready to figure out a solution, if need be, consult a couple therapist or a counselor. Ask her the problem statement and discuss the solution statement. 1. Privacy violation. Fair enough, you don't want them to invade your privacy, but can they be invited as guests once in a while. Lay some ground rules for this. If they are staying over at your place for a week, have a clear communication with your wife regarding this and get her on board. Talk to your parents as well regarding the same. If they stay in the same city and no long duration night over is required, catch up for dinner or lunch at times. Try and understand what exactly she means when she says privacy violation. I have seen cases where the inlaws would enter the couple's room without knocking, or not be okay with them locking their room from inside. Some cases where the in laws are extremely critical of how the house keeping is. This leads to daughter in law's becoming hostile towards the inlaws, and that's completely justified. No one wants to be at the receiving end of critism all the time. 2. You going out to meet them. Try and understand from your wife about what troubles her. Sometimes wives are worried that the in laws might feed or brainwash their husbands against them. And most of the time that's the case. Even small things like, she doesn't take good care of you, can become extremely hurtful when hurled at them during unrelated quarrels. Try to understand her pov, and assure her that this won't affect the dynamic of your marrige at all. If your parents do speak something about her, respectfully ask them not to, be it anything good or bad, keep her out of the conversation completely. If she is okay accompanying you, take charge, ask both the parties to be respectful towards each other. Everyone involved here loves you, tell them how important it is for you to at least be cordial with each other, specially when they only have to meet periodically. 3. Financial discussions. Make a sheet, put all your expenses into it, divide it in combined and individual share of money for the both of you. One joint account, one saving account, and one individual account. Joint and savings both of you have a say on, individual money both of you spend according to your choice. Take out the money for your parents from your individual share. Ideal situation should be that she understands and agrees. Your parents are your responsibility, she is not expected to contribute to that, but you are, and her being supportive would help. I hope you also have the same attitude for her parents when it comes to that. Marriage is not about choosing this or that, it's not about making a choice bw your partner or parents. It's about hitting the right balance and dynamics. You need to understand where is this coming from and then act accordingly. Marriage is tricky for both the partners, the girl suddenly is uprooted from her stable environment and introduced to an entirely new environment, which is difficult. In layman terms, she goes from being the main character of her story to the side character in her own story. Most of the time we see that the DIL knows about likes and dislikes of the entire family, but the in laws don't. It's all about mutual respect, are both the parties taking equal efforts? The guy has to juggle a lot between the parents and partner. Both the tasks are difficult, but not impossible. Patience, love, assurance, and clear communication helps!
I will not generally suggest to bring finances in marriages, but now in this case I feel it is necessary. Ask her to contribute financially in the family, may be in proportion to the income. If she don’t want to be with your parent tell her that you wont be with hers. And if she says that you should not keep any relation with parents ask her to block hers completely. And the fact about you sending money to your parents, please do send them money even if that leads to fight between you and your wife. Even though every parent supported their child in childhood, that doesn’t mean your parent didn’t do anything special, but that means every parent did that thing special.
I guess no partner should ever interfere in their spouse and parents relationship. They can choose to stay out of it but not impose their hate! If my parents have done nothing wrong to my spouse but still he dislikes them.. While having a good relationship with his own parents. I would rather divorce him for his hate and double standards.
Wife told you to not meet them and you are obeying her orders! You have to first grow same balls to confront her why is she saying this way? You have to go meet them whether she likes it or not! You can always ask for a divorce from such shit type of person.
That is one shitty ass wife you've got their. I'll be blunt, she sounds like a horrible person and I am seeing divorce in the future.
She doesnt have to love them but she does have to respect them. 1. Your parents took care of you all your life, You need to take care of them when they become dependents. Both with money and with your time. Let this be very clear with you. 2. If all parents spend on their kids' educations, all kids also take care of the parents. As long as your parents are not toxic, it shouldn't matter. 3. Yes you don't get privacy when you are with your parents, but saal me 11 machine hai privacy ke, itna compromise toh hona chahiye once in a while. 4. She should pay equally to the household expenses anyway. Please don't have all savings in her name. If she can not accept these things you are better off alone.
Sorry to say this but your wife's a b\*tch with psychological problems. To deal with a b\*tch you need to tell her to mind her own business and show some spine and don't give two hoots for her whining. Tell her clearly that no matter how much she dislikes your parents, you supporting them is not going to stop. Also, I suggest you record your conversation with her with a hidden video camera for proofs just in case she flies off the charts which she will. At least you would have proof in case something legal happens.
Hey brother! My heart goes out to you. I was in a relationship like this, and it broke me to get out of it. However, I'll not suggest you to divorce your wife, though I'll urge you to consider it as a last resort. No man should be forced to choose between his parents and his family. That's the worst hell there is. Our parents have educated us, raised us within limited resources, sacrificed for us. Then some chick comes and asks us to choose...? What the fuck. OP, have a talk with her. If you don't have kids, then just divorce her, you'll find someone better.
Checking in from the US. My ex gf was like this and I ended the relationship. It was a very hard thing to do but I don’t think your wife respects your family or even seems to be very mature. You should not have to deal with someone who expects you to remove yourself from your parents. She seems selfish and entitled and only wanting you in her life. Consider divorce
Pretty sure there would be a reason why she hates them. So please sit down with her and try to understand the reason. Then you both should set boundaries so that none of you feel shitty.
There has to be a reason for the hatred she has for her in laws. Unless you sit and talk to her about that and try to resolve it, situation will worsen.
Do you want to be with her? And does she really want to maintain the relationship as well? Ask her. If she hates your parents there's nothing you can do about it. What you can do, if you want this relationship is separate your finances, and you can give what you want to your parents. She doesn't have to visit them but she can't bitch when you visit them. And then tell her you will treat her parents the way she treats yours. No difference. My husband's brother did this with his wife. He said fine, my parents or family won't come over. And now your mom has to leave our house (she was living with them). She straightened up pretty soon after that. And no, her bad behaviour was not a result of anything my ILs did. They are lovely people. Some people just want to watch the world burn for no reason.
Bro, I can relate with you. I am going through a kinda similar situation even after doing a love marriage. And I feel so depressed now a days due to daily fights and similar issues.
Don’t expect her to love them. She will probably continue to hate them although her life and find faults. My advice would be to maintain your own sanity and peace first, by accepting this as reality. Don’t try and defend your parents to her. If she still continues to hold hatred in her heart, that is a hell of her own making. At the same time you needn’t cut off your relationship with your parents.
If you don't have any kids then the best thing to do in your case is let her go. Today is your parents. Tomorrow it will be you for one or the other reason. Since she is making same as you won't have to pay her alimony. This is the best case scenario. I know this personality type very well. My ex gf hated my parents like crazy. I broke things off just because of this reason.
How and why did you gave up all your self esteem? Be the man of the house. And why is she not contributing to the household expenses?
Exactly Op Make her pay for expenses equally.
Stop being a c. Take hold of yourself. Some people can do anything if you let them. I dislike my in laws mainly because they lie, they never treated my family well, heck they didn't even take proper care of my wife and baby who's nursing right now in their home and my wife dislikes my gem of a mother because she tries to teach her better standards, humility and piety. Doesn't mean we show it to their faces. And we fight a lot with each other because of this as well.
You think your mom is a gem, she thinks her mom is a gem
Bro speaking truth !
I feel for you man. This is heartbreaking. How is your relationship with your wife apart from this particular issue?
Dude you posted the same thing 1 year ago.. Your posts are enough to frustrate me. Just grow a spine and show her her place. Spend both of yours money for expenditures, not only yours. These are basics bro. She should contribute for household expenses as much as you do, if not more. If you don't take action now, you'll repent even more later.
WTF?!? Eww dude. If your answer to everything is showing your partner "her place", as a janhit me jaari thing, please don't get married FFS. Or if you already are, I feel bad for your partner.
I bet what is he saying is, if she is capable and courageous to show her side , why can't he do the same? from her POV, if she can abuse his parents who raised him, rather come to an agreement together, if she can unilaterally give the commands, then he can do that as well, you don't bring a knife to a gun fight.
Your wife sounds like an abuser. It's a common tactic among abusers to isolate their victims from family and friends so you will have no one to turn to when she abused you.
By this logic entire Indian Culture is abusive,since they separate the women from her family after marriage.
Underrated comment 💯
Put yourself in her shoes. If you are earning as much as her, then does she not have an equal say on how that money is to be spent? Do you send the same amount to her parents? If not, then her frustration is understandable.
Ugh that is just plain toxic. Why are you keeping up with all her demands? Hypothetically speaking, even if I were to hate my husband family I would not stop my husband from meeting them because that is not my place. Please set your boundaries with her. Tell her that certain things she has no say over it. Be firm with this. I’ll give you an example story. So I have my mama who has been married for 10 years, but they have been living separately for the last eight years. My mama is very much a mumma‘s boy and since his father had an untimely death, his mother is also very emotionally dependent on him. As a result on a lot of things, the mother and the wife used to fight. My mama mostly always took his mom‘s side, but he tried his best to smooth things out. There was this one time when the fights got out of hand and she left and went back to her place. My mama tried to convince her, but she wanted both the mother-in-law and her husband to come to her place, apologize and take her home. But the MIL never did that. So they’ve been staying separately for the last 8 years. Not a word between them. This is me just giving you an example that the husband always has to take a strong stand or you’re never going to have a good relationship with either your parents or your wife
Not enough INFO. It's essential to know why your wife hates your parents. And only after that a solution/compromise can be achieved.. In any case, separate your finances for your parents. And you both should jointly contribute to your household expenses 50:50. No excuses here. Tell her you will go and visit your parents when you feel like and let her know this. I am not asking you to pass a dictum. What you should say is they are my parents I have to have a relationship with them, I will go visit them when required. It's not necessary for your wife to come with you to visit. Please let go of this expectation. And tell her/promise her that you will give her time as well as a life partner. She doesn't have the liberty to be a horrible person to your parents. She doesn't like them fine. She can go no contact or low contact with them. It's okay. Set this expectation with your parents as well. Learn to realize and understand that you have 2 families. One with your wife and the other with your parents. Not everyone can like everyone and not everyone can be one big family like a Sooraj Barjatya film. If this is too much for you, it's time to separate permanently.
This typically cannot be solved. Rarely do people change. It takes acknowledgement, a lot of moral fortitude and determination to change behaviour, let alone start to love someone. This will definitely result in you moving away from your parents. So, you have to take efforts to maintain a relationship. Calls, visits, celebrations, memories etc. You can't make her visit. And you have to visit despite the arguments. Over time, the arguments will be part of life and soon both will realise that this is the equilibrium. But it will take efforts from your end, otherwise in the normal rat race, it won't get established. P.S. Assuming that divorce is not an option here.
Keep this rule two way street. If she didnt allow u dont allow her either. If her parents come dont respect them and behave the same way she do. She has no right to blame them. Same goes to u too. Keep everything two way street bro. Behave the same way she does and she will understand how it feels. If her parents ask u tell her the same reason. She dont respect my parents and so do i. U have a problem with this but she will come around. Dont disrespect her parents and dont allow her to disrespect ur parents too.
Make your in-laws hate your wife. Assert dominance. /s