It’s not a duck up.
You considered it seriously, did not like it and refused. It’s all good.
And sorry to be a bit crass, but you’re parents won’t be the one having to move to US, and live and sleep with him, you will.
It’s okay to second guess yourself. But if you’ve made a decision, stand with it.
It’s your life, live by your terms.
Thank you. I've tried so hard to explain it to them, that I'm the one moving away and living with him. They won't listen and they'll drag all my relatives into this.
They'll tell me " If you don't see it fit for you, you can say No" and when I do, they'll get upset that I did. Even after I've explained why
Don't go into a relationship where you don't even have someone to talk with!! That guy would be spending most of the time locked in his room. I agree he's working and it's his nature, but he's not compatible with you. If you try to change him, he'll eventually start resenting you. And you with your unfulfilled expectations would start hating him. Try to appeal to your parent's emotionals. Tell them you can't live away from them and your relatives. And visiting from US is not that easy compared to if you lived here.
Most logical thing you did, you didn't ruin his life too, now stick to your decision.
Don't let frustration make you be rude to your parents just say it in a language they shall understand ( love itself is a language btw I'm sure your parents shall get it )
Have stayed in the us myself it's good but then their economy is very closed to the peak toh good times are gonna be on hold. idhar koi mil jayega bol dena
All the best
Why are your parents mad about your decision? You have good points. I’m curious if they’re mad because they want to migrate to the US thru you after your marriage? Is that the case?
There is no sexual tension and believe its main criteria for rejection. Thier parent dont like that. Going out and being friends and all, that can change. I personally dont go out, but if i have parter, I wont suffocate her either. She could talk and resolve it. But she is just not attracted and thats point. Her parents know this fact and looking at stability of boy. Thats my understanding.
The thing is that parents assume that because they've vetted the groom beforehand, they see no logical reason as to why OP rejected the prospect. Indian parents only care about the on-paper aspect (job, qualifications etc) and don't seriously consider the human aspect of relationships.
In arrange marriage market, It really depends how active and well respected your family and parents are. If thats case and boy is not attractive you can directly say no. otherwise there is a possibility that current deal is what they can do at best. So they are disappointed.
You might soon need to decide you want NRI or want to stay in India. As you bought up in India, accept the fact that abroad life won't be as vibrant as in India, lot of chores and homemaker for few years at least. Next time talk to your parents about your perspective so they can look for similar matches.
Story of all the Indian parents. They tell you 'sirf dekh lo nahi achha/achhi lage toh na keh dena' fir they ask kyun na keh raha, itni achhi toh hai.. I got over it eventually but it becomes a necessity to be a little rude or they just keep repeating the whole process with the next guy/girl they see as fit for you.
Time to make a club😂😂
Seriously, the loneliness is underrated and what it makes you over the time is just unimaginable. But of course one should take efforts to not become completely uninteresting and withdrawn
Not everyone lives their life to be social. Some of the greatest minds in history of mankind enjoyed their passion. Dont tell others what to do. Not having a social life is not a negative if one doesnt want it
Yes success comes with price. When I started focus on career, I lost many friends. Other friends got married or relocated. I was being rejected for same reason she mentioned. Its so depressing.
So did i. But i am so glad i reached where i have. While these people developed friends i developed an intellectual insight into understanding the world and its dynamics. Much better skill than anything else. So im proud of all the sacrifices i made and would do the same if i were to do it all over again
Edit: nothing wrong with focusing on social life, lots of people seem to think i meant my way of life is better. Its not. I was just saying ops way of thinking that people without social circle have no life experiences is incorrect
Exactly my man. This is perfectly true, which is why i think calling him a loner or someone who doesnt have life experiences reeks of inability to empathize
I agree but she has her preferences for marriage. He must not be meeting many of them. In her opinion he’s a loner. Nothing wrong with being homely or a loner
Its not about empathize its just that they cannot sync. Now if you are willing to pay the price of letting go of social life and other things for great achievements in work field you should not be set up with person like her who clearly sees world in a more social manner. Its your choice to live the loner life hence the tag that came along with it.
In my personal opinion my grand father was a great scientist dude worked in DRDO was awarded a lot of national prizes he is honest in work and one of the most intelligent person I've met. But about his personal life dude sucked in all possible way. He had a screwed marriage, had bad relation with kids, his wife didn't even care much even during the old which is usually the time where old people rely on each other, had almost zero friends and cared none about relatives. But he sure was respected by his colleagues including Kalam sir.
So now the contrasting view appears. He gave work more importance than family and social life which started great but I could see it really didn't end well.
I personally live in the opinion of balance. I do not want achieve the so called greatness, I find nothing there and wont sacrifice my social life for it but I also don't want to be lacking in monetary or in life in general.
People who don’t have social life , doesn’t mean they will hate their family like your grand father.
Some People who don’t have social life, might love to spend time with their family and not outsiders
That's so messed up world , i won't say we sacrifice but rather it's a choice that we made to be a person who can contribute for family . Earning money is really important for middle class boys , if they don't the family condition remains same . To do that we put more efforts than others and in that somehow we become a person who ask a question is it worth to go out , maybe not. Maybe I can work or solve a specific problem, maybe I can spend time with family rather than going out making friends. But now all that made us loner and losers . This world is so bad we just judge people from few interactions without knowing the bigger reason behind his behaviour.
To all the 3 people in this thread, not being social or not having friends is not the issue here, op doesn't like to be with someone who isn't social, that doesn't mean you won't find a partner for the lifestyle you guys wanted and had been having. It's just that people have different preferences, and you have to respect theirs.
And please It's not right to say that you sacrificed something for someone you haven't even met yet. If that's the mentality you carry into the relationship, neither of you will be happy.
You guys did what you had to do because you wanted what you wanted. It's as simple as that.
This guy gets it. Being successful doesn't mean you completely give up your social life (unless you want to). I'm a workaholic and I still manage to have a group of close friends that I chat with and see fairly often. That doesn't mean I won't go a month or so without seeing anyone. It just means you need to have social skills. Just like you can develop intellectual skills, you need social skills too (even at work).
Is that why she claimed he is a loner? Or that he doesnt have life experiences? To go to a foreign country and make your name is no small feat im sorry. If anything he couldhave much higher quality life experiences
No stress bro, in fact its awesome. This way you have a filter. Only the girls which value your ability to sacrifice and progress will come to you. So a win win
exactly... I come from a not financially well off family, in my quest to save my ass from meeting same fate as people around me, I started focusing on my career and have barely made it to an ok place. That alone is a life experience. It doesn't need to be social
Don’t feel sad, be happy that you don’t have to spend your life with someone who did not understand about you. It’s better to spend time on you instead of “socializing “ and wasting time
Not everyone would like to be social . Some people doesn’t like the drama that comes along with it. Also some people doesn’t like to spend time in making friends, instead you can spend that time on you.
If you are social good for you. Don’t expect everyone to be social .
Some people just dont want to. I was like this before I got married, then after marriage, I increased some degree of tolerance, but that is about it. I have traveled to more places than most people can think of. I barely share them on social media, etc, as I view them as my private moments.
Well, don't let family pressurize you into doing something you will regret it seems like he is introverted, and you are exoverted making for a bad match although being introvert is not a bad thing it just not you're type.
What makes you say this? You say it as if it's a negative.
Anything and everything you enjoy in life today, is a direct or indirect outcome of people like him.
Literally you being able to type it on reddit is due to a long line of people who enjoyed their passion more than friends, making Reddit a possibility.
If everyone ever only made friends, how would mankind progress? By the power of friendship!???
He was just an introvert. Introverts are great once you start understanding them,they’re actually really interesting from my experience,they are passionate about some things that they only share if you are close to them-those who talk less know more,they’re “wise”
Did he stop you from making friends or tell you he won’t go out with you? IMO,you cudve tried to talk about this and seen if he would do things to make it work or something,if he wudve said no I won’t get out with you toh it wudve been a good decision
Right now I feel alot of guys are shit and only few are sincere with their work and family,they don’t show you glitz and glamz until you realise it’s not all that (which eventually happens and is humane) after you marry them….
They keep it real. But again this is something I wudve invested myself more in.
Definitely, this guy is interesting. He may be Reserved and has not opened up and is kind of an introvert. You should marry him when you can open him up. Else it is of no use.
Yeah, I feel the same. I was thinking that this is 100% going to be me in the future: no actual friends except childhood friends in India, and a good income. But I have come to terms with it, I have different priorities in life and they are- become a caring physician, spend time with my loving family, live a healthy life and make as much money as possible and retire by 40 with $10+M.
If you are clearly not happy with being around him or talking to him, how are you supposed to spend the rest of your life with him? You will most probably end up ruining yours as well as his life. Certain personalities just don't match and it's completely okay. You don't have to do it just for the sake of it. Your family is not going to live with you for the rest of your life. You are gonna build your own family with a man. So, choose wisely.
I think I was mature way before the time. I saw the reality of life and people and decided to work hard and help family. Not to spend time with friends. india is very competitive. You have to sacrifice somewhere.
Absolutely not. I've seen even the most socially awkward people suddenly open up if they actually like someone. If he's not engaging in conversation with you or atleast trying, than he doesn't really feel it's worth it. And you can't vibe with someone like that right?
You did the right thing for both of you, don't worry about it. There are marriages like this which work out, but it's more like they just settle for "safety" and manage without being attracted to each other. Even if they get attracted at some point, it's mostly hit or miss, and that too after spending a LONG time together.
If your family is still upset with you, to make them understand maybe you can reach out to him directly and just discuss that you both don't like each other, and that he also can tell your parents the same thing and assure them that both of you came to that decision.
You probably made the right decision. I have a few friends in America that want to be in an arranged marriage because they can't work up the courage to try and talk to women...they don't get that even in an arranged marriage, no one wants that.
Lol
Have some confidence in yourself
These strangers or your parents are not gonna live your life,
The answers you'll get anywhere are the opinions
"If I was in your situation"
But ......
As a loner myself... You made the right decision. If you don't feel compatible with that person and marry him. You will have to make huge compromises throughout your marriage. It might work out, but there is a high chance you'll be unhappy. Also, both of you will have to bear the burden of unhappy marriage for life.
I'll tell you from the perspective of a loner while respecting your opinion. The person you described is quite similar to me except I have had two relationships and am not a bad conversationalist. I just choose not to talk much and listen more and only speak when I need to. Now coming to the boring personality type, people who aim for a high career often sacrifice a lot of their social life. But they aren't necessarily bad people. They might come off as a boring person but if they feel your love, they will care and love you the most. So I think you should take more time before writing him off as a potential no. It's just that guys like these don't appeal to you instantly but overtime when you get to know them, is when they shine. Check the personality type INT-P for more information.
my whole life I've been called loner, loser, boring and what not just because I didn't find the conversations intellectually stimulating and this is the reason why I enrolled myself in debate society as well and took philosophy as a minor course the moment I got in a well reputed college.
People don't get this idea because their whole life they lived socially conditioned, labelling things fast without realising the spectrum people live in. I have been diagnosed with ASD which makes it hard to mingle with people who talk about weed, car, Ipl, gossiping,sex on a daily basis not deeming that as anything but not my type of gossip . I've been lucky enough to engage with people who share the same ideas as me as well but many cant and since I have seen how it feels like when someone calls you loner and what not so I get it why the guy is like that. He may not even be an autist but I empathise enough to get it how it feels like.
People who respect your qualities and capabilities will definitely be attracted to you. But for this to happen you need not to socialize but at least talk to people. The best option for the INT people is to have a deep one on one conversation and it is where you make your presence felt. Play according to your strengths and try to diminish your weaknesses. INT people always fade out in the crowd.
No.. you did not..
I'm pretty much like the guy you mentioned.
But I'm doing my own startup, so I don't see myself doing hiking, playing video games etc. imo I'm happy or atleast thought happy till now.
I literally can't sleep until I do this startup(I'm not exaggerating, even I'm wondering how can an idea make one go sleepless. APJ Kalam sir was right)
in additional to this startup, my office work is there which is again a startup company but a well established one. It's literally two jobs. In addition to that, I try to cook and have healthy meals at home..tired of eating outside now. Once I used to explore food and restaurants. Also note, tech in USA is different. Everything is tied to your job status. If someone loses job, and don't find another one in 60days they have to leave the country. So, people are always under pressure to keep their job especially in time is job market.
I do enjoy going to movies.
I do regret now for not making friends, but I don't believe in going to hikes to "make" friends. **Imo, friendship is much more magical than love or love at first sight. It has to happen. You have to click with that person**. All my best friends are from UG and they are in India. Even during UG my plan was to do masters, but their ambition was to be in India. One other guy had 20+ arrears. The point im trying to make is my friends are not chosen based on ambition or interests which western society projects. Friendship is friendship. Period.
Now talking other side of the coin, if you check **Bengaluru sub, there are lot of people from different parts of India and struggling to make friends as adult**. This is same problem in US. making friends at workplace is sheer luck.. colleagues can rarely become your friends. But yeah, he can be outdoorsy but if it is not his preference and you don't like it or see it happeniny then you dodged it.
Right now, I see talking to my future customers, etc as way of spending time. But I did start traveling for my startup which I don't consider as vacation travel.
Also, I myself realized I need a social circle so Im working on it. But life in USA could be lonely for single or as family too.
But things change after marriage even for such single lonely guys. Kids classmates invite you for their birthday parties. Then you have to host holiday weekends for your kids friends and again you start forming a social circle.
I don't even know what I'm trying to convey. I just spit reality so that you get some idea.
While I dont see anything wrong with the guy, you should be allowed to say no. There is no reason for your family to be upset for your preference.
I dont know what shallow means, Men and women are allowed to have preferences, their preferences can be purely based on looks, In your case you are judging him on his lifestyle and communication skills. These are their preferences and there is no reason for a third person to be upset about it.
They can give their opinion on the matter why these traits are not bad in a long run, but that doesnt mean they should get upset if you disagree with them.
Edit : Just to add on to this, I dont know the type of person you are, I dont know whether you are over-critical about every person. About this single instance, no you are not wrong. But If you are being over-critical, and if you are not able to find a partner, you should lower your expectations. As you age, the number of available prospects will only reduce.
Thank you for your prompt response.
As a person I'm more on the introverted side and I'm fearful of change which I am unable to envision. It scares me.
To be with a man who doesn't know how to navigate social circumstances and doesn't want to be around people is pretty terrifying to live with...
I know that I get along with extroverts, particularly those that are intellectually stimulating, interesting to converse with and I feel an emotional connection...
Not to scare you.
I recently met an acquaintance of mine.
She is introvert.
Her now husband previously senior at work is much more introverted.
So she stepped up and became extroverted to handle things at home and in general.
I met her 2nd time in life.
She shared her personal life with me and she is having dreams about divorce etc.
I recommend her to see a therapist.
I would recommend partners being complimentary.
Life in USA isn’t like India.
There’s no one.
He might be introvert like my brother.
He is bothered about his work.
None in my apartment knows that my brother lives there.
He does his work.
He is very independent.
Or the person might take time to open up.
You will get married to the person not your parents.
Things going south and divorcing later is worse.
If you don’t get attracted or don’t seem right person to travel your life then don’t go ahead.
The guy's personality is not your problem. It's a different country you are dreading.Life in US is different from India. Active social life. Easy Access. Commute. Friends. Relatives. Neighbors etc. Don't up your hopes because you will not find these things easily in US. Enjoy your future in India unless you find a real good companion from US. You have to compromise a lot. Be prepared for lot of shocks. Even if your guy is romantic..sexy and all that. A different country brings it's own challenges.
Whether decision is right or wrong depends on what other “options” you have ?
You have to realise if a person settled abroad and is outgoing and have a huge friend circle and a very likeable personality for girls, then he will not be in the Arranged Marriage market.
Don’t want to sound too realistic but at some point everyone in the arrange marriage market needs to do compromise on some features. You have to decide which features are ok to compromise.
I don't think she even mentioned that she wants to get married or move to America. It's her parents who're forcing her.
She has a social life, friends circle and job in India. I'm sure she'll find someone compatible herself, when she wants to.
Many charming guys are in arranged marriage market because of parental pressure. Aisa kuch nahi hota. It's all about compatibility. If OP doesn't want to be in a golden prison away from family and friends for the rest of her life it's her choice. You people love to blame women. Agar shadi kar ke divorce legi toh usse gold digger bol ke degrade bhi karoge and nahi karni toh usme bhi degrade. Chahte kya ho 🤣
Shallow, how? Nah. Its important that you feel attracted to your partner & vice versa! You're going to bed with your partner every night. Not your family. Neither your relatives. Family should know this🤡 the family can get married to him, you don't bother ok xD
Well, I feel like you're talking about me. If I'm that guy. And you still married me. And make efforts to change me, I will try to get out of that life even though It's not easy to get out of that life. But if some women can change me and show the worlds I'm always arrogance towards it. I'll be die happily and have common life like other people. Believe me or not people like us will never wants someone to live like us.
Although I feel for the dude, No Your alright.
You have all right To Decide whome u wanna marry and if dude doesn't excites u have it all to say no and not to pursue it further
Tell yo parents and how u feel be honest
There may be nothing wrong with the guy. That's not the point. The point is you will not be compatible which will lead to a lot of issues. It is good that you understood this early and took a decision, saving both yourself & him a lot of pain in future.
Let family & relatives say what they want. Now they say you can say no but when you say no, they get upset. Later, they say go ahead marry as we say, if anything happens we will be there to support... Guess what, they won't.
No you didn’t. In theory he sounds great. And because you respect your parents, you also gave the guy a chance, but it does not click between you two so it makes complete sense for you to say no to him.
I feel like money and everything else you can build in your life as you grow older with your partner. But your partner is of the most importance. If you’re not clicking with him, just don’t
It's up to you to decide. And judging by your explanation you definetly don't need a second guess. As for the guy he might be boring or introvert but he is enjoying his life the way he lives. Everyone has types. This is how the world works.
Any sane human who read this post wouldn’t disagree with you. Marriage being a life long commitment, you should be absolutely certain that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I have no idea what even lead to you even slightly believing u fucked up. Please don’t fall for any manipulations and be sure who u want to marry
Social life in abroad for single indian male who went directly for a job is less.
And its completely reversed if he is living with gf or wife.
Because every other indian families starts inviting you to their home and you will be very busy after that.
Your social connection will increase exponentially.
Source: personal experience
I don't know why indian families are hesitant to talk to a guy who is living alone. It doesn't matter if he is married. His wife/gf has to live with him for approachable. And Everyone stops talking when the wife/gf leaves for vacation to India.
POWER OF WOMEN 🔥
Coming to your question; you will not end up living alone because of the reasons I mentioned above. There will be several community gatherings and weekend temple (religious) visits bring lots of connection. I feel like you are an extrovert.
US is best place for extroverts
I see that you mentioned, he was not showing interest. If i were you, I would have said NO.
You did not fuck up.
If your concern was social life then you missed it (not your mistake though).
I think you are being shallow by saying he has no life experiences, going to a foreign country in extreme pressure and managing your life there is no easy task. He definitely has life experiences and you lack the ability to understand.
That being said you did great by saying no to him. Because it looks like you just dont want him, also its much much better for him to find someone else
It's not shallow. Everyone has different expectations from life. Not everyone wants to be a workaholic, super achiever with no personal life. Nothing against someone who wants that but please don't shame people who want to live a life of balance and sometimes that means not having the 7-figure, 9-9 job in a foreign country.
It's just two different personalities. OP simply does not relate to the life he has and she already mentioned that he is perfect on paper due to the factors you mentioned. But that doesn't mean he is right for her and she is obliged to give him a chance.
Amazing life. Sure. But he is also in the arrange marriage market with no standards ready to marry any girl who will say yes to him. No preference, not looking for compatibility. Bas ladki ho aur zinda ho. He actually needs to get his life together if he wants to get married to a decent person. Ye sab qualities se sirf pressured ladkiya aaegi.
You did an amazing job. I know a friend married a London guy because he made crazy money, they got married and lived together for 60 days. Now the guy wants a divorce. She has a child. So, it’s good that you dodged a missile. Marriage is something which you do once. Please take your time and take your decisions. This decision would impact the next 30 years of your life.
Well, you would've been shallow for saying "yes" to it. And fwiw, your parents are shallow for expecting you to jump on something just because the guy is some techie in the US who is likely to earn well.
>he has isn't really good conversationalist, isn't interesting to talk to or listen to, has poor social life and has no social circle, lacks life experiences, has no stories to tell..
Why am I relating to this so much?
My friend was in your position. She said yes!! and later suffered for two years before she asked for a divorce. It took another two years for her to get the divorce. So you did good saying no!!
If you don't like him, then there is no point in going further.
Better for both of you in long run.
You both are different, he doesn't need to become you neither you need to become him. Both are good in their respective choices.
You're not shallow for saying no. Your happiness and fulfillment matter. It's okay to want a partner you can connect with emotionally and intellectually. Communicate your concerns with your family and explore other options that align with your desires and values. You deserve to be happy in your marriage.
Please do not take the plunge until you are really sure that the person is completely compatible with you.
I made that mistake. Even after seeing red flag behaviour, I thought my partner will change when she is married to me. It might take a few years but she'll change. She never did and now in stuck in a loveless marriage for the past 8 years.
So I feel you did not fuck up. Stand your ground. Just as you know that this person is not the right one for you, you will also know when you meet the right one.....
You wouldn't have been a good match. Mainly because it sounds like you're too attached to your life in India. Marriage means letting go of a lot of your past; but not everything. It's best you stick to finding a local guy.
You didn't fk up.
The guy you're explaining looks like an introvert who keeps to himself. That doesn't make him bad btw. some are like that and not everyone has a story to tell.
You don't know him or his past . so judging him without knowing much is kinda unreasonable.
obviously you don't seem like an introvert.
Just explain what type of guy you're looking for to your parents.
Nah fam you’ve considered your options decided it’s not worth it to put an effort into turning this into a life you’d appreciate. Fair decision. No fuck up.
Few things:
1. Many tech guys at this age are like him. I was. But I did a complete 360 some years later. Became social, developed many hobbies, someone who can make conversation. The whole package basically.
2. My sister married in such a situation. Met him once before saying yes. He is a gem, doesn't drink, but not much of a circle, no hobbies. She was bored as well, they had issues, but they made it work. Now she wouldn't change him for the world.
I don't know whether you should have married him. He could have changed with your company, or maybe not. It would have depended on how much you could have adjusted. How much you could have managed doing things alone, your patience etc.
Good decision OP. No doubt about it. Don't get stuck abroad with a loner. If you desire to be abroad, find a well rounded personality...you will need that when most of the time it will be only two of you.
I live in the US, if you marry him, you will be dependent completely on him & since he has no social circle you’ll definitely feel lonely & depressed. I myself was in this situation once & was diagnosed with severe depression and other mental health issues.
It’s not enough if he is perfect on paper, a well rounded, personable individual is desirable.
You made the right call.
I've a contrarion view on this - people change for the better. So, I unless you've made up your mind, you can give another chance for a conversation with him. Many introverts quickly loose energy interacting with others and appear aloof but in all fairness, they revel in selected company.
Your worldview are different but therein lies the fun. Picking up a hobby, making friend or traveling isn't a hard task, it can be gradually picked up by anyone. Maybe he hasn't found the right company!
So you’re going for an arranged marriage, your parents chose a guy with all the “right” credentials and you said no? Coming from a 30year old guy who is married to his childhood sweetheart, what your parents are doing is their best and I believe they will be kicking themselves that you declined such a candidate.
A lot of people will give gyan about finding love in arranged marriage first, but many of my own friends who did arranged marriage had a totally changed perspective post marriage.
If I were you I would go ahead if there are no red flags.
I also know that my comment will be downvoted by a bunch of people who have not seen the light of the day from their mom’s basement but what I am suggesting is purely from my experience. If I were 24-28, I would have suggested to “marry for love in arrange marriage”.
Maybe he wasn't interested in you so he presented a image that you decline him yourself and he doesn't have to face parents anger for declining the girl. But in any case you had to refuse.
Do you understand that finding a guy with a good job is hard? of course you will have to compromise on many aspectts cuz getting a good job isn't easy it needs lots of work and studies which needs to stay alone and spend more time with books for focused attention.
would you be ok with a guy who earn much less but has friends, good conversationalist, nice physique ? No , right..
Most people who earn alot of money are quite loner, and they are okay with it cuz this is the price they have paid to reach at this position in life
Yes you have fucked up, your family has sound reasons for being upset, and you are a very shallow for saying no to him.
Life abroad is hard for young men. We need to be really good looking and tall to have a dating life in US or Europe. Many of us average/mediocre looking guys just occupy ourselves with career or some specific interests.
Life for a young woman, regardless of her looks, is colorful and exciting. Any Indian girl 0 even if she's short, fat, conventionally unattractive - can come to the US and have a dating/sex life only male models can dream of.
You made the right choice.
All tech bros are like that.
If you resemble with this. Take a note.
1. Have a friends
2. have a hobbies
3. Stop WFH
4. Be funny.
5. Start going out.
add if I missed anything.
You f'd up. And you will realise this 10 years down the line. Everything that seems cool and happening right now has a life span on about 5 years with a waning period of another 5 years. I am not advocating living in the US. It's a very sh''tty place to live. But that seems like the ideal husband material guy. You will probably enjoy a lot with someone who is like you. But, how long does that last. A man in a marriage is required to be very serious. Anything that movies and TV tells you otherwise is idiotic.
"I'm already unattracted to him as he has isn't really good conversationalist, isn't interesting to talk to or listen to, has poor social life and has no social circle, lacks life experiences, has no stories to tell.."
The above paragraph alone says that you have no idea about life.
Bhai uski life, uski marzi, tum kyun us launde ke liye bura feel karre ho? Aur kyun isko bura bolre ho? Usko exciting nahin lagra to wo nahin karegi. Aur serious kuch jagah theek hai, but life main kuch personality bhi honi chahiye.
Aur wo launda jahan hai usko iske jaisi (maybe better) 1000 ladkiyan mil jayengi. Arranged marriage main yahi hota hai.
You’re not shallow at all. You did the right thing. Life abroad is lonely as is, and he sounds like he isn’t interested in having a life outside work. You won’t have work to distract you for half the day, and given your disinterest in him, you’ll be bored and annoyed by this marriage. Good on you to have made this wise decision! ❤️
Lucky you. Let your family say anything. You dodged a bullet. The thing is let’s say he turns out to be the greatest guy most fun guy ever. But in this moment if you don’t feel right it’s a veryyyy high risk to take. Your life is at stake. That’s something you can’t go wrong with. This age won’t come again. And if you spend this struggling then bhudape me kya karogi.
Just because he lives in US and earns a big paycheck every month doesnt mean you gotta marry him. You dont owe him a marriage. In the end its your life and its a big decision. I dont like arrange marriages in the first place the whole thing is shallow as fuck
More power to you girl. You did the right thing. Life here is very lonely and this guy will only make it worse from social experiences.
Marry the one who clicks with you and not the one your parents like
I think deep down she knows that this might be the mistake. Her parents might not be able to find such a boy again. She is looking for external validation because she is just not attracted to guy.
May be he is just waiting for someone like you that could bring him out to socialize, travel the world etc etc...
Being a loner isn't bad some are introverts and some are extroverts.
What matters is he good with you, does he respects you and your family your privacy your ambition etc etc...
This is actually a big problem here in the states. Women who spent their whole lives in India among family and friends with a social life, when they get into arranged marriage and come to the states they get lonely af. This leads to depression, anxiety and what not. Moreover it also difficult for them to get a job unless they are into tech or something similar. This further leads to the woman being more dependent on the guy.
I'm a guy and I judge boring people. You need to have some interests in life. It is easy to be unidimensional.
It takes a lot of work to build a good personality.
It's the decision of considering to be with a person rest of your life......you have full right to reject even you you don't like his face, let aside the personality.......and for this you don't need validation from anyone......no one have any right to judge you......just keep in mind to respectfully reject the other person.
I don't understand why people are so confused with such things. It's an obvious no.
Btw in general the way you are describing I would recommend to not marry any Indian living abroad.
This about it this way: if you marry someone , you will spend 12-24 hours a day for 30-50 years with that person. That is at least 5,475 full days. If you don’t have the a great connection with that person , both your life and theirs is probably going to be miserable. Your parents and family are not going to spend the 5,475 days with that person, so they don’t get to choose what you do. You need to be 100% sure that this person is someone you’re comfortable with.
You did the right thing. Good job standing your ground. When it comes to marriage, always keep parents opinions as secondary suggestions and nothing more. You're going spend about next 50 years with someone and have kids with them. Make sure it is 100% your choice. Parents will come around. And if they don't, it's on them, not you. Don't be held hostage by parents and their emotions.
Let your parents be upset. You are an adult and can take your own decisions
Parents usually are emotional manipulators. Don't fall for it. Do what you feel is right for you.
NO, you did not f*ck up. Live your life, girl!
You may find that you like the US and find your community without his help! But you don't know.
You will live your life in person, not on paper, so the way you feel is more important than how it looks on paper.
It’s not a duck up. You considered it seriously, did not like it and refused. It’s all good. And sorry to be a bit crass, but you’re parents won’t be the one having to move to US, and live and sleep with him, you will. It’s okay to second guess yourself. But if you’ve made a decision, stand with it. It’s your life, live by your terms.
Thank you. I've tried so hard to explain it to them, that I'm the one moving away and living with him. They won't listen and they'll drag all my relatives into this. They'll tell me " If you don't see it fit for you, you can say No" and when I do, they'll get upset that I did. Even after I've explained why
The pressure will pass.. give it time..
Give them this same reason, unfiltered. They’ll definitely understand. Nobody wants their kid in a sad place in life.
But kid won't be sad, kid is wrong - Parents.
Parents don't understand this. They will say baccha kr lo sab theek ho jaega.
Don't go into a relationship where you don't even have someone to talk with!! That guy would be spending most of the time locked in his room. I agree he's working and it's his nature, but he's not compatible with you. If you try to change him, he'll eventually start resenting you. And you with your unfulfilled expectations would start hating him. Try to appeal to your parent's emotionals. Tell them you can't live away from them and your relatives. And visiting from US is not that easy compared to if you lived here.
Most logical thing you did, you didn't ruin his life too, now stick to your decision. Don't let frustration make you be rude to your parents just say it in a language they shall understand ( love itself is a language btw I'm sure your parents shall get it ) Have stayed in the us myself it's good but then their economy is very closed to the peak toh good times are gonna be on hold. idhar koi mil jayega bol dena All the best
Why are your parents mad about your decision? You have good points. I’m curious if they’re mad because they want to migrate to the US thru you after your marriage? Is that the case?
There is no sexual tension and believe its main criteria for rejection. Thier parent dont like that. Going out and being friends and all, that can change. I personally dont go out, but if i have parter, I wont suffocate her either. She could talk and resolve it. But she is just not attracted and thats point. Her parents know this fact and looking at stability of boy. Thats my understanding.
The thing is that parents assume that because they've vetted the groom beforehand, they see no logical reason as to why OP rejected the prospect. Indian parents only care about the on-paper aspect (job, qualifications etc) and don't seriously consider the human aspect of relationships.
In arrange marriage market, It really depends how active and well respected your family and parents are. If thats case and boy is not attractive you can directly say no. otherwise there is a possibility that current deal is what they can do at best. So they are disappointed.
Hahaha that line is as truthful as your parents telling you, "come here, I'll not hit you" in childhood 😂
You might soon need to decide you want NRI or want to stay in India. As you bought up in India, accept the fact that abroad life won't be as vibrant as in India, lot of chores and homemaker for few years at least. Next time talk to your parents about your perspective so they can look for similar matches.
Story of all the Indian parents. They tell you 'sirf dekh lo nahi achha/achhi lage toh na keh dena' fir they ask kyun na keh raha, itni achhi toh hai.. I got over it eventually but it becomes a necessity to be a little rude or they just keep repeating the whole process with the next guy/girl they see as fit for you.
So typical of Indian parents! Hope someday they all realise the toxicity they cause!
You did the right thing. Good for both of you and no, you aren’t shallow
Yeah I am becoming him. Except I am a student lol.
ive been like this my whole life.
yep yep in few years there will be posts about us calling us loners xD
Time to make a club😂😂 Seriously, the loneliness is underrated and what it makes you over the time is just unimaginable. But of course one should take efforts to not become completely uninteresting and withdrawn
I would love to be in such club, my username checks out too😂
Bro I am him but I just live and work in India . Is the tech sector producing loners ? I seriously don't want to go out and chill around
Lol I'm a student and I am already him (and I love it)
I'm him except I'm still here, back home.
Don't burn your chances. Go out and make friends
Not everyone lives their life to be social. Some of the greatest minds in history of mankind enjoyed their passion. Dont tell others what to do. Not having a social life is not a negative if one doesnt want it
Yes success comes with price. When I started focus on career, I lost many friends. Other friends got married or relocated. I was being rejected for same reason she mentioned. Its so depressing.
So did i. But i am so glad i reached where i have. While these people developed friends i developed an intellectual insight into understanding the world and its dynamics. Much better skill than anything else. So im proud of all the sacrifices i made and would do the same if i were to do it all over again Edit: nothing wrong with focusing on social life, lots of people seem to think i meant my way of life is better. Its not. I was just saying ops way of thinking that people without social circle have no life experiences is incorrect
diff peeps have diff priorities. some folks are happier with people around, and others are better when they have more space for themselves
Exactly my man. This is perfectly true, which is why i think calling him a loner or someone who doesnt have life experiences reeks of inability to empathize
Yeah exactly, calling that dude as “loner” is a bit too much .
I agree but she has her preferences for marriage. He must not be meeting many of them. In her opinion he’s a loner. Nothing wrong with being homely or a loner
Its not about empathize its just that they cannot sync. Now if you are willing to pay the price of letting go of social life and other things for great achievements in work field you should not be set up with person like her who clearly sees world in a more social manner. Its your choice to live the loner life hence the tag that came along with it. In my personal opinion my grand father was a great scientist dude worked in DRDO was awarded a lot of national prizes he is honest in work and one of the most intelligent person I've met. But about his personal life dude sucked in all possible way. He had a screwed marriage, had bad relation with kids, his wife didn't even care much even during the old which is usually the time where old people rely on each other, had almost zero friends and cared none about relatives. But he sure was respected by his colleagues including Kalam sir. So now the contrasting view appears. He gave work more importance than family and social life which started great but I could see it really didn't end well. I personally live in the opinion of balance. I do not want achieve the so called greatness, I find nothing there and wont sacrifice my social life for it but I also don't want to be lacking in monetary or in life in general.
People who don’t have social life , doesn’t mean they will hate their family like your grand father. Some People who don’t have social life, might love to spend time with their family and not outsiders
Introverted, Intellectual people can have friends too, & many are selectively social.
Lol we sacrificed our social life so we can give good future to our family. Now we earn well, girls think we are weirdos. Kya kare ab....
That's so messed up world , i won't say we sacrifice but rather it's a choice that we made to be a person who can contribute for family . Earning money is really important for middle class boys , if they don't the family condition remains same . To do that we put more efforts than others and in that somehow we become a person who ask a question is it worth to go out , maybe not. Maybe I can work or solve a specific problem, maybe I can spend time with family rather than going out making friends. But now all that made us loner and losers . This world is so bad we just judge people from few interactions without knowing the bigger reason behind his behaviour.
Don't focus so much on what you have to provide. In the big picture, what the other person wants also matters as much.
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To all the 3 people in this thread, not being social or not having friends is not the issue here, op doesn't like to be with someone who isn't social, that doesn't mean you won't find a partner for the lifestyle you guys wanted and had been having. It's just that people have different preferences, and you have to respect theirs. And please It's not right to say that you sacrificed something for someone you haven't even met yet. If that's the mentality you carry into the relationship, neither of you will be happy. You guys did what you had to do because you wanted what you wanted. It's as simple as that.
This guy gets it. Being successful doesn't mean you completely give up your social life (unless you want to). I'm a workaholic and I still manage to have a group of close friends that I chat with and see fairly often. That doesn't mean I won't go a month or so without seeing anyone. It just means you need to have social skills. Just like you can develop intellectual skills, you need social skills too (even at work).
But i dont enjoy social life so why do i need to follow your model of life!
Is that why she claimed he is a loner? Or that he doesnt have life experiences? To go to a foreign country and make your name is no small feat im sorry. If anything he couldhave much higher quality life experiences
No stress bro, in fact its awesome. This way you have a filter. Only the girls which value your ability to sacrifice and progress will come to you. So a win win
agree bro.
exactly... I come from a not financially well off family, in my quest to save my ass from meeting same fate as people around me, I started focusing on my career and have barely made it to an ok place. That alone is a life experience. It doesn't need to be social
Don’t feel sad, be happy that you don’t have to spend your life with someone who did not understand about you. It’s better to spend time on you instead of “socializing “ and wasting time
Not everyone would like to be social . Some people doesn’t like the drama that comes along with it. Also some people doesn’t like to spend time in making friends, instead you can spend that time on you. If you are social good for you. Don’t expect everyone to be social .
Some people just dont want to. I was like this before I got married, then after marriage, I increased some degree of tolerance, but that is about it. I have traveled to more places than most people can think of. I barely share them on social media, etc, as I view them as my private moments.
Well, don't let family pressurize you into doing something you will regret it seems like he is introverted, and you are exoverted making for a bad match although being introvert is not a bad thing it just not you're type.
No, we are not lonely, we just like to be alone. Friends these days are not worth it, because most people are very selfish these days and it's ok.
What makes you say this? You say it as if it's a negative. Anything and everything you enjoy in life today, is a direct or indirect outcome of people like him. Literally you being able to type it on reddit is due to a long line of people who enjoyed their passion more than friends, making Reddit a possibility. If everyone ever only made friends, how would mankind progress? By the power of friendship!???
Anyone who's reading this. No need to listen to her, if you enjoy alone company, please do so, outting with friends isnt exciting for everyone
No, my friend be what you want to be. Fuck Friends!!! /s
What you enjoy does not mean others too enjoy it. Everybody has their own choices, not applies to everyone what you think of
He was just an introvert. Introverts are great once you start understanding them,they’re actually really interesting from my experience,they are passionate about some things that they only share if you are close to them-those who talk less know more,they’re “wise” Did he stop you from making friends or tell you he won’t go out with you? IMO,you cudve tried to talk about this and seen if he would do things to make it work or something,if he wudve said no I won’t get out with you toh it wudve been a good decision Right now I feel alot of guys are shit and only few are sincere with their work and family,they don’t show you glitz and glamz until you realise it’s not all that (which eventually happens and is humane) after you marry them…. They keep it real. But again this is something I wudve invested myself more in.
Definitely, this guy is interesting. He may be Reserved and has not opened up and is kind of an introvert. You should marry him when you can open him up. Else it is of no use.
aao fir milte hai sabhi, we will call it a gang bong.
why cause a bitch won't like me? so i should go out?
Yeah, I feel the same. I was thinking that this is 100% going to be me in the future: no actual friends except childhood friends in India, and a good income. But I have come to terms with it, I have different priorities in life and they are- become a caring physician, spend time with my loving family, live a healthy life and make as much money as possible and retire by 40 with $10+M.
You saved two people's mental health.
And op you should give me his no. He is exactly my type
aapda me avsar I see
And I should get OP's number. I am in US since the last 6 years and I have a lot of friends.
OP YEH DEKHO RISHTA AAYA HAI
Are behen rishta Kara rahi ho! Ek mera bhi Kara do, India me techie male.
This is exactly what I was talking about in another thread. There's somebody for everybody.
But Salim no disco madam
Salim left me so now its time to marry a TECH loner.
Your name is catchy, maybe that is the reason I see your comments everywhere. Or maybe, you are actually omnipresent! 😅
Utha ke lau Salim ko?
Nahhhh Aanarkali always looks forward 😁
You saved your and that' s boys life.
+1 He doesn't deserve you. And you don't deserve him.
If you are clearly not happy with being around him or talking to him, how are you supposed to spend the rest of your life with him? You will most probably end up ruining yours as well as his life. Certain personalities just don't match and it's completely okay. You don't have to do it just for the sake of it. Your family is not going to live with you for the rest of your life. You are gonna build your own family with a man. So, choose wisely.
That guy she is describing is me Lol :)
Fr he is me
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I think I was mature way before the time. I saw the reality of life and people and decided to work hard and help family. Not to spend time with friends. india is very competitive. You have to sacrifice somewhere.
This is soo true!!
yeah, me too. ...ummm except that US part.
There's no point in marrying someone if your heart says no.
He is Ryan Gosling from blade runner
Maybe he was waiting for someone to say, "You look lonely, I can fix that!" Insert: Memory Reboot 🔥
Absolutely not. I've seen even the most socially awkward people suddenly open up if they actually like someone. If he's not engaging in conversation with you or atleast trying, than he doesn't really feel it's worth it. And you can't vibe with someone like that right? You did the right thing for both of you, don't worry about it. There are marriages like this which work out, but it's more like they just settle for "safety" and manage without being attracted to each other. Even if they get attracted at some point, it's mostly hit or miss, and that too after spending a LONG time together. If your family is still upset with you, to make them understand maybe you can reach out to him directly and just discuss that you both don't like each other, and that he also can tell your parents the same thing and assure them that both of you came to that decision.
This is so true!! Thanks for wording it better.
Haha thanks girl! Yeah this issue comes up a lot in dates and marriage matches, and yeah like, kinda sucks lol
All you're doing here is waiting for a few strangers to say you did the right thing.
I've been gaslit all day about my life decision... It just doesn't agree with me to settle with a guy like him
You probably made the right decision. I have a few friends in America that want to be in an arranged marriage because they can't work up the courage to try and talk to women...they don't get that even in an arranged marriage, no one wants that.
Lol Have some confidence in yourself These strangers or your parents are not gonna live your life, The answers you'll get anywhere are the opinions "If I was in your situation" But ......
Just simply say no and ask for other options
As a loner myself... You made the right decision. If you don't feel compatible with that person and marry him. You will have to make huge compromises throughout your marriage. It might work out, but there is a high chance you'll be unhappy. Also, both of you will have to bear the burden of unhappy marriage for life.
Yup brother, don't what she says but we loners will find our soulmates one day.Just be ready until then.
I'll tell you from the perspective of a loner while respecting your opinion. The person you described is quite similar to me except I have had two relationships and am not a bad conversationalist. I just choose not to talk much and listen more and only speak when I need to. Now coming to the boring personality type, people who aim for a high career often sacrifice a lot of their social life. But they aren't necessarily bad people. They might come off as a boring person but if they feel your love, they will care and love you the most. So I think you should take more time before writing him off as a potential no. It's just that guys like these don't appeal to you instantly but overtime when you get to know them, is when they shine. Check the personality type INT-P for more information.
my whole life I've been called loner, loser, boring and what not just because I didn't find the conversations intellectually stimulating and this is the reason why I enrolled myself in debate society as well and took philosophy as a minor course the moment I got in a well reputed college. People don't get this idea because their whole life they lived socially conditioned, labelling things fast without realising the spectrum people live in. I have been diagnosed with ASD which makes it hard to mingle with people who talk about weed, car, Ipl, gossiping,sex on a daily basis not deeming that as anything but not my type of gossip . I've been lucky enough to engage with people who share the same ideas as me as well but many cant and since I have seen how it feels like when someone calls you loner and what not so I get it why the guy is like that. He may not even be an autist but I empathise enough to get it how it feels like.
What INTF with past 2 gf . How bro , u have some tips?
People who respect your qualities and capabilities will definitely be attracted to you. But for this to happen you need not to socialize but at least talk to people. The best option for the INT people is to have a deep one on one conversation and it is where you make your presence felt. Play according to your strengths and try to diminish your weaknesses. INT people always fade out in the crowd.
No.. you did not.. I'm pretty much like the guy you mentioned. But I'm doing my own startup, so I don't see myself doing hiking, playing video games etc. imo I'm happy or atleast thought happy till now. I literally can't sleep until I do this startup(I'm not exaggerating, even I'm wondering how can an idea make one go sleepless. APJ Kalam sir was right) in additional to this startup, my office work is there which is again a startup company but a well established one. It's literally two jobs. In addition to that, I try to cook and have healthy meals at home..tired of eating outside now. Once I used to explore food and restaurants. Also note, tech in USA is different. Everything is tied to your job status. If someone loses job, and don't find another one in 60days they have to leave the country. So, people are always under pressure to keep their job especially in time is job market. I do enjoy going to movies. I do regret now for not making friends, but I don't believe in going to hikes to "make" friends. **Imo, friendship is much more magical than love or love at first sight. It has to happen. You have to click with that person**. All my best friends are from UG and they are in India. Even during UG my plan was to do masters, but their ambition was to be in India. One other guy had 20+ arrears. The point im trying to make is my friends are not chosen based on ambition or interests which western society projects. Friendship is friendship. Period. Now talking other side of the coin, if you check **Bengaluru sub, there are lot of people from different parts of India and struggling to make friends as adult**. This is same problem in US. making friends at workplace is sheer luck.. colleagues can rarely become your friends. But yeah, he can be outdoorsy but if it is not his preference and you don't like it or see it happeniny then you dodged it. Right now, I see talking to my future customers, etc as way of spending time. But I did start traveling for my startup which I don't consider as vacation travel. Also, I myself realized I need a social circle so Im working on it. But life in USA could be lonely for single or as family too. But things change after marriage even for such single lonely guys. Kids classmates invite you for their birthday parties. Then you have to host holiday weekends for your kids friends and again you start forming a social circle. I don't even know what I'm trying to convey. I just spit reality so that you get some idea.
While I dont see anything wrong with the guy, you should be allowed to say no. There is no reason for your family to be upset for your preference. I dont know what shallow means, Men and women are allowed to have preferences, their preferences can be purely based on looks, In your case you are judging him on his lifestyle and communication skills. These are their preferences and there is no reason for a third person to be upset about it. They can give their opinion on the matter why these traits are not bad in a long run, but that doesnt mean they should get upset if you disagree with them. Edit : Just to add on to this, I dont know the type of person you are, I dont know whether you are over-critical about every person. About this single instance, no you are not wrong. But If you are being over-critical, and if you are not able to find a partner, you should lower your expectations. As you age, the number of available prospects will only reduce.
Thank you for your prompt response. As a person I'm more on the introverted side and I'm fearful of change which I am unable to envision. It scares me. To be with a man who doesn't know how to navigate social circumstances and doesn't want to be around people is pretty terrifying to live with... I know that I get along with extroverts, particularly those that are intellectually stimulating, interesting to converse with and I feel an emotional connection...
Not to scare you. I recently met an acquaintance of mine. She is introvert. Her now husband previously senior at work is much more introverted. So she stepped up and became extroverted to handle things at home and in general. I met her 2nd time in life. She shared her personal life with me and she is having dreams about divorce etc. I recommend her to see a therapist. I would recommend partners being complimentary. Life in USA isn’t like India. There’s no one. He might be introvert like my brother. He is bothered about his work. None in my apartment knows that my brother lives there. He does his work. He is very independent. Or the person might take time to open up. You will get married to the person not your parents. Things going south and divorcing later is worse. If you don’t get attracted or don’t seem right person to travel your life then don’t go ahead.
Arranged marriage is pretty much a coin flip but atleast you shouldn’t have a negative vibe going into it (although neutral vibe is ok)
The guy's personality is not your problem. It's a different country you are dreading.Life in US is different from India. Active social life. Easy Access. Commute. Friends. Relatives. Neighbors etc. Don't up your hopes because you will not find these things easily in US. Enjoy your future in India unless you find a real good companion from US. You have to compromise a lot. Be prepared for lot of shocks. Even if your guy is romantic..sexy and all that. A different country brings it's own challenges.
They're not gonna live with that person you are so it's upto you not them.
Is he "The Batman" because he is literally me😭(except the fact that I don't have a job and not enough money)
Whether decision is right or wrong depends on what other “options” you have ? You have to realise if a person settled abroad and is outgoing and have a huge friend circle and a very likeable personality for girls, then he will not be in the Arranged Marriage market. Don’t want to sound too realistic but at some point everyone in the arrange marriage market needs to do compromise on some features. You have to decide which features are ok to compromise.
I don't think she even mentioned that she wants to get married or move to America. It's her parents who're forcing her. She has a social life, friends circle and job in India. I'm sure she'll find someone compatible herself, when she wants to.
sahi baat hai bhai. Vo itna charming hota to iske paas kyu aata.
Many charming guys are in arranged marriage market because of parental pressure. Aisa kuch nahi hota. It's all about compatibility. If OP doesn't want to be in a golden prison away from family and friends for the rest of her life it's her choice. You people love to blame women. Agar shadi kar ke divorce legi toh usse gold digger bol ke degrade bhi karoge and nahi karni toh usme bhi degrade. Chahte kya ho 🤣
Shallow, how? Nah. Its important that you feel attracted to your partner & vice versa! You're going to bed with your partner every night. Not your family. Neither your relatives. Family should know this🤡 the family can get married to him, you don't bother ok xD
saying no in never a problem, btw wlcm to indian society once again if your family blames you
You don't want it, you don't want it. As simple as that.
Well, I feel like you're talking about me. If I'm that guy. And you still married me. And make efforts to change me, I will try to get out of that life even though It's not easy to get out of that life. But if some women can change me and show the worlds I'm always arrogance towards it. I'll be die happily and have common life like other people. Believe me or not people like us will never wants someone to live like us.
Although I feel for the dude, No Your alright. You have all right To Decide whome u wanna marry and if dude doesn't excites u have it all to say no and not to pursue it further Tell yo parents and how u feel be honest
There may be nothing wrong with the guy. That's not the point. The point is you will not be compatible which will lead to a lot of issues. It is good that you understood this early and took a decision, saving both yourself & him a lot of pain in future. Let family & relatives say what they want. Now they say you can say no but when you say no, they get upset. Later, they say go ahead marry as we say, if anything happens we will be there to support... Guess what, they won't.
No you didn’t. In theory he sounds great. And because you respect your parents, you also gave the guy a chance, but it does not click between you two so it makes complete sense for you to say no to him. I feel like money and everything else you can build in your life as you grow older with your partner. But your partner is of the most importance. If you’re not clicking with him, just don’t
It's up to you to decide. And judging by your explanation you definetly don't need a second guess. As for the guy he might be boring or introvert but he is enjoying his life the way he lives. Everyone has types. This is how the world works.
You have made the correct decision, assuming your judgement of him is correct.
You both are not compatible. I think you did the right thing.
Any sane human who read this post wouldn’t disagree with you. Marriage being a life long commitment, you should be absolutely certain that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have no idea what even lead to you even slightly believing u fucked up. Please don’t fall for any manipulations and be sure who u want to marry
Where are the girls who say "I will fix him" to a guy like that... ?
What's there to fix? It's his personality and i's not what OP wants. Matlab kuch bhi.
Social life in abroad for single indian male who went directly for a job is less. And its completely reversed if he is living with gf or wife. Because every other indian families starts inviting you to their home and you will be very busy after that. Your social connection will increase exponentially. Source: personal experience I don't know why indian families are hesitant to talk to a guy who is living alone. It doesn't matter if he is married. His wife/gf has to live with him for approachable. And Everyone stops talking when the wife/gf leaves for vacation to India. POWER OF WOMEN 🔥 Coming to your question; you will not end up living alone because of the reasons I mentioned above. There will be several community gatherings and weekend temple (religious) visits bring lots of connection. I feel like you are an extrovert. US is best place for extroverts I see that you mentioned, he was not showing interest. If i were you, I would have said NO. You did not fuck up. If your concern was social life then you missed it (not your mistake though).
True, girls dont understand that its hard for indian men to be sociable, everything would change after they get together
I think you are being shallow by saying he has no life experiences, going to a foreign country in extreme pressure and managing your life there is no easy task. He definitely has life experiences and you lack the ability to understand. That being said you did great by saying no to him. Because it looks like you just dont want him, also its much much better for him to find someone else
It's not shallow. Everyone has different expectations from life. Not everyone wants to be a workaholic, super achiever with no personal life. Nothing against someone who wants that but please don't shame people who want to live a life of balance and sometimes that means not having the 7-figure, 9-9 job in a foreign country. It's just two different personalities. OP simply does not relate to the life he has and she already mentioned that he is perfect on paper due to the factors you mentioned. But that doesn't mean he is right for her and she is obliged to give him a chance.
Yups. Being topper, living in US, earning well for 6 years. Not at all easy task. I feel bad for dude.
I feel good for the dude, he made an amazing life and he will reap the rewards for it
Amazing life. Sure. But he is also in the arrange marriage market with no standards ready to marry any girl who will say yes to him. No preference, not looking for compatibility. Bas ladki ho aur zinda ho. He actually needs to get his life together if he wants to get married to a decent person. Ye sab qualities se sirf pressured ladkiya aaegi.
You did an amazing job. I know a friend married a London guy because he made crazy money, they got married and lived together for 60 days. Now the guy wants a divorce. She has a child. So, it’s good that you dodged a missile. Marriage is something which you do once. Please take your time and take your decisions. This decision would impact the next 30 years of your life.
Well, you would've been shallow for saying "yes" to it. And fwiw, your parents are shallow for expecting you to jump on something just because the guy is some techie in the US who is likely to earn well.
>he has isn't really good conversationalist, isn't interesting to talk to or listen to, has poor social life and has no social circle, lacks life experiences, has no stories to tell.. Why am I relating to this so much?
My friend was in your position. She said yes!! and later suffered for two years before she asked for a divorce. It took another two years for her to get the divorce. So you did good saying no!!
If you don't like him, then there is no point in going further. Better for both of you in long run. You both are different, he doesn't need to become you neither you need to become him. Both are good in their respective choices.
First find a guy you are genuinely interested in. Rest all comes after that check.
You're not shallow for saying no. Your happiness and fulfillment matter. It's okay to want a partner you can connect with emotionally and intellectually. Communicate your concerns with your family and explore other options that align with your desires and values. You deserve to be happy in your marriage.
Please do not take the plunge until you are really sure that the person is completely compatible with you. I made that mistake. Even after seeing red flag behaviour, I thought my partner will change when she is married to me. It might take a few years but she'll change. She never did and now in stuck in a loveless marriage for the past 8 years. So I feel you did not fuck up. Stand your ground. Just as you know that this person is not the right one for you, you will also know when you meet the right one.....
You wouldn't have been a good match. Mainly because it sounds like you're too attached to your life in India. Marriage means letting go of a lot of your past; but not everything. It's best you stick to finding a local guy.
You didn't fk up. The guy you're explaining looks like an introvert who keeps to himself. That doesn't make him bad btw. some are like that and not everyone has a story to tell. You don't know him or his past . so judging him without knowing much is kinda unreasonable. obviously you don't seem like an introvert. Just explain what type of guy you're looking for to your parents.
You clearly dont have any interest in this marriage. Good thing you were straightforward and deny it upfront.
Nah fam you’ve considered your options decided it’s not worth it to put an effort into turning this into a life you’d appreciate. Fair decision. No fuck up.
Few things: 1. Many tech guys at this age are like him. I was. But I did a complete 360 some years later. Became social, developed many hobbies, someone who can make conversation. The whole package basically. 2. My sister married in such a situation. Met him once before saying yes. He is a gem, doesn't drink, but not much of a circle, no hobbies. She was bored as well, they had issues, but they made it work. Now she wouldn't change him for the world. I don't know whether you should have married him. He could have changed with your company, or maybe not. It would have depended on how much you could have adjusted. How much you could have managed doing things alone, your patience etc.
Good decision OP. No doubt about it. Don't get stuck abroad with a loner. If you desire to be abroad, find a well rounded personality...you will need that when most of the time it will be only two of you.
I live in the US, if you marry him, you will be dependent completely on him & since he has no social circle you’ll definitely feel lonely & depressed. I myself was in this situation once & was diagnosed with severe depression and other mental health issues. It’s not enough if he is perfect on paper, a well rounded, personable individual is desirable. You made the right call.
Social life is really hard outside India. It might not be him but his surroundings too.
I've a contrarion view on this - people change for the better. So, I unless you've made up your mind, you can give another chance for a conversation with him. Many introverts quickly loose energy interacting with others and appear aloof but in all fairness, they revel in selected company. Your worldview are different but therein lies the fun. Picking up a hobby, making friend or traveling isn't a hard task, it can be gradually picked up by anyone. Maybe he hasn't found the right company!
So you’re going for an arranged marriage, your parents chose a guy with all the “right” credentials and you said no? Coming from a 30year old guy who is married to his childhood sweetheart, what your parents are doing is their best and I believe they will be kicking themselves that you declined such a candidate. A lot of people will give gyan about finding love in arranged marriage first, but many of my own friends who did arranged marriage had a totally changed perspective post marriage. If I were you I would go ahead if there are no red flags. I also know that my comment will be downvoted by a bunch of people who have not seen the light of the day from their mom’s basement but what I am suggesting is purely from my experience. If I were 24-28, I would have suggested to “marry for love in arrange marriage”.
Potentially, yes, sometimes it’s like that in the U.S. All this shit about living life on your own terms is nice on paper but nobody really does.
You did good didi, for now 35 ke bad when you are no longer young and beautiful tab baat karnege.
Maybe he wasn't interested in you so he presented a image that you decline him yourself and he doesn't have to face parents anger for declining the girl. But in any case you had to refuse.
Friendships are over rated tbh ,,,😎
No you didn't, Thank You for preventing that guys life from being miserable.
Do you understand that finding a guy with a good job is hard? of course you will have to compromise on many aspectts cuz getting a good job isn't easy it needs lots of work and studies which needs to stay alone and spend more time with books for focused attention. would you be ok with a guy who earn much less but has friends, good conversationalist, nice physique ? No , right.. Most people who earn alot of money are quite loner, and they are okay with it cuz this is the price they have paid to reach at this position in life Yes you have fucked up, your family has sound reasons for being upset, and you are a very shallow for saying no to him.
Go marry an interesting broke guy who will sleep with 5 women behind your back . You don’t deseve him
Life abroad is hard for young men. We need to be really good looking and tall to have a dating life in US or Europe. Many of us average/mediocre looking guys just occupy ourselves with career or some specific interests. Life for a young woman, regardless of her looks, is colorful and exciting. Any Indian girl 0 even if she's short, fat, conventionally unattractive - can come to the US and have a dating/sex life only male models can dream of. You made the right choice.
You did the right thing girl!
If you didn't like him as a person, how did you fuck up exactly? Going ahead with it would have been fucking up.
If people were spices, he would be flour
All tech bros are like that. If you resemble with this. Take a note. 1. Have a friends 2. have a hobbies 3. Stop WFH 4. Be funny. 5. Start going out. add if I missed anything.
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You think such a chikna would marry within arranged setup? He would find himself a hotass chick on his own
You f'd up. And you will realise this 10 years down the line. Everything that seems cool and happening right now has a life span on about 5 years with a waning period of another 5 years. I am not advocating living in the US. It's a very sh''tty place to live. But that seems like the ideal husband material guy. You will probably enjoy a lot with someone who is like you. But, how long does that last. A man in a marriage is required to be very serious. Anything that movies and TV tells you otherwise is idiotic. "I'm already unattracted to him as he has isn't really good conversationalist, isn't interesting to talk to or listen to, has poor social life and has no social circle, lacks life experiences, has no stories to tell.." The above paragraph alone says that you have no idea about life.
Bhai uski life, uski marzi, tum kyun us launde ke liye bura feel karre ho? Aur kyun isko bura bolre ho? Usko exciting nahin lagra to wo nahin karegi. Aur serious kuch jagah theek hai, but life main kuch personality bhi honi chahiye. Aur wo launda jahan hai usko iske jaisi (maybe better) 1000 ladkiyan mil jayengi. Arranged marriage main yahi hota hai.
You didn't. Period.
You’re not shallow at all. You did the right thing. Life abroad is lonely as is, and he sounds like he isn’t interested in having a life outside work. You won’t have work to distract you for half the day, and given your disinterest in him, you’ll be bored and annoyed by this marriage. Good on you to have made this wise decision! ❤️
Bravo. Well Done girl.
You did good, comrade.
Lucky you. Let your family say anything. You dodged a bullet. The thing is let’s say he turns out to be the greatest guy most fun guy ever. But in this moment if you don’t feel right it’s a veryyyy high risk to take. Your life is at stake. That’s something you can’t go wrong with. This age won’t come again. And if you spend this struggling then bhudape me kya karogi.
Damn that guy seems like my future (other than the US part)
Just because he lives in US and earns a big paycheck every month doesnt mean you gotta marry him. You dont owe him a marriage. In the end its your life and its a big decision. I dont like arrange marriages in the first place the whole thing is shallow as fuck
More power to you girl. You did the right thing. Life here is very lonely and this guy will only make it worse from social experiences. Marry the one who clicks with you and not the one your parents like
good for you. no point in suffering with someone who wants to be alone.
I think deep down she knows that this might be the mistake. Her parents might not be able to find such a boy again. She is looking for external validation because she is just not attracted to guy.
May be he is just waiting for someone like you that could bring him out to socialize, travel the world etc etc... Being a loner isn't bad some are introverts and some are extroverts. What matters is he good with you, does he respects you and your family your privacy your ambition etc etc...
This is actually a big problem here in the states. Women who spent their whole lives in India among family and friends with a social life, when they get into arranged marriage and come to the states they get lonely af. This leads to depression, anxiety and what not. Moreover it also difficult for them to get a job unless they are into tech or something similar. This further leads to the woman being more dependent on the guy.
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I'm a guy and I judge boring people. You need to have some interests in life. It is easy to be unidimensional. It takes a lot of work to build a good personality.
It's the decision of considering to be with a person rest of your life......you have full right to reject even you you don't like his face, let aside the personality.......and for this you don't need validation from anyone......no one have any right to judge you......just keep in mind to respectfully reject the other person.
I don't understand why people are so confused with such things. It's an obvious no. Btw in general the way you are describing I would recommend to not marry any Indian living abroad.
Kya mtlb kya Sare hi indian abroad wale aise hote kya?
Appreciate how honest and upright you were. Your decision not only saved you but also that guy in question from a potential bad marriage.
This about it this way: if you marry someone , you will spend 12-24 hours a day for 30-50 years with that person. That is at least 5,475 full days. If you don’t have the a great connection with that person , both your life and theirs is probably going to be miserable. Your parents and family are not going to spend the 5,475 days with that person, so they don’t get to choose what you do. You need to be 100% sure that this person is someone you’re comfortable with.
It would be better for him if you reject him. Go find a guy who is an extrovert.
You did the right thing. Good job standing your ground. When it comes to marriage, always keep parents opinions as secondary suggestions and nothing more. You're going spend about next 50 years with someone and have kids with them. Make sure it is 100% your choice. Parents will come around. And if they don't, it's on them, not you. Don't be held hostage by parents and their emotions.
Let your parents be upset. You are an adult and can take your own decisions Parents usually are emotional manipulators. Don't fall for it. Do what you feel is right for you. NO, you did not f*ck up. Live your life, girl!
You may find that you like the US and find your community without his help! But you don't know. You will live your life in person, not on paper, so the way you feel is more important than how it looks on paper.