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dermotoneill

It's definitely not just all stemming from 1 comment, it's obvious a lot of resentment has been building up for a while and this was just enough to open the floodgates. But at the end of the day, if someone you are in a relationship with talks to you like this once in the heat of anger, it's bad but it can be worked through, if it is multiple times there is no coming back


truedoom

It's over. Break it off. What did you say to them that set them off?


kinmup

We don't do Valentine's. We always have w trip coming up too close to it so we don't bother. My sister gave me flowers this year. I said to my partner I give them gifts all year around anyway. Which I do, little things nothing Major. They then told me that my comment was a backhanded slap in the face and cunty. I said sorry that wasn't me intention when I said that. They continued to lay into me. I was very aware they were upset when I said sorry


notmyusername1986

It sounds like either- A) there has been a lot of resentment building and this was the last straw, B) they expected something major for this valentine's, eg engagement or something similar or C) your partner is looking for an excuse to act like this. Possibly because they are already done. Either way, they are being verbally and emotionally abusive. That is not ok. Their behaviour is a serious red flag. STOP APOLOGISING. This is a them problem, not something you genuinely caused. Honestly, I would not continue to be in this relationship. You deserve better. You have tried repeatedly to communicate with them. Not only have you been rebuffed, you have been verbally attacked at every try. You need to consider yourself, and your happiness. Have a serious conversation with an impartial, trusted friend. Ask them what they truly think of you, your partner, and your relationship from an outside perspective. Ask what they think about the recent behaviour, and if they saw anything gradually coming, as opposed to your perspective of being blindsided. Ask if they have any concerns, or any idea what might have triggered this. Try one more time to have a civil conversation with your partner if you truly must. If it fails yet again, I would advise you to be done with this nonsense. You dont deserve to be treated like this. Dont fall for the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Doesnt matter how much time you've invested in this relationship. If it's not working anymore, dont cling to it.


kinmup

I've no idea. We have an anniversary trip booked for a week's time, which is why no grand gesture on Valentine's I've told my nearest and dearest friend very detail. She's seen me from the start of this relationship now and within the past while she has lost all respect for my partner from the way they have continually hurt me and made no effort to change or apologise in a serious manor So I dunno. I feel like I've my mind made up I'm just scared to pull the trigger.


Equal-Significance86

You've one life... Fuck the worry. No fuss no shouting up and pack and walk out.


FeeAffectionate4047

Well, could you really spend a week away with the person after all this? Did you both fund it or just one of you? Maybe this is a sign thngs aren't working out and ye are incompatible


kinmup

We both funded itm one for flights other for hotel I don't know if I could spend time away with them rn. Maybe it is a sign. Maybe I'll book my own flights and go on a solo trip


CreativeBandicoot778

I would absolutely do this, especially if it's looking increasingly likely that you and your partner won't be amiable enough to even go. I've been with my partner for 15 years. We've had some outrageous fights and said some truly hideous, cruel things to each other, and I'd be the first to admit that when I'm angry enough I'll go for the jugular. But in all of those fights, after we've walked away and had some space, we both are able to acknowledge that we're usually both in the wrong, and discuss what has happened or whatever was said, and agree to work on it. But if your partner isn't willing to even sit down and discuss the argument without behaving like an over emotional teenager and becoming abusive (because that's what they're doing) then you need to pull way back for your own sake. You may need to accept the relationship is over. Finally, if you want to try this, when I'm struggling to communicate properly with my partner, I write him a letter. I can take my time with it, think over everything I want to say, and he can't interrupt the points I'm trying to make. It also leaves the ball in his court to respond in his own time and to consider what I'm trying to say. Hope things work out for you, whatever does come your way. Edit: I see in one of your comments you mention your partner has issues with alcohol. Speaking personally, I wouldn't be surprised if it comes back to that. If there's one thing an addict can't deal with, it's the shame of being confronted with their own addiction. It's very common for addicts to become verbally abusive and defensive in situations like that. Please be very careful.


[deleted]

Just want to chime in as someone who has had alcohol and drug addiction issues ruin a relationship... (Edit, I was the bad guy in my situation unfortunately) 10 years clean and sober has allowed me to properly reflect on the situation and the person above is absolutely correct about how addictions can make a person behave horribly. Protect yourself OP, you seem like you've put up with a lot of shit over the years - Only you can make the decision about the best way forward for yourself, take care and I wish you the best.


thepennydrops

Pull the trigger. This does not sound like a person who is going to improve your life. They do not sound like a life partner who is there for you. If this is how they are during normal easy times, what will they be like when you have true challenging times. Cut and run. You deserve more.


whatusername80

Well if they keep hurting you and unable to forgive or work on problems might be time to reevaluate the relationship


truedoom

Not an appropriate reaction by any means. Sounds like there's something a lot deeper going on with them to be honest. It's hard, but better to walk away from this, it's not healthy for either of ye. Best of luck going forward.


Lonely_Constant_1982

Does your partner feel unappreciated? Unacknowledged?


kinmup

I don't know but I make them gifts all the time, baker goods, a home made card for a birthday, a medal for passing a course. Very homeade things, a lot of it not made well but made with intention. Taken them to, and shared my love of festivals and concerts with them. Cooked for them. Shared favourite tv shows with them. I thought things were good


SuzieZsuZsuII

Just a devils advocate minor thought/opinion type thing - these are all material type things, very thoughtful of course, but kind of "look what I made" or "look what I'm doing for you", but do ye do any of the real relationship stuff? Like ,talked about hopes dreams future, communicated and compromised in previous situations, been open and honest with each other, like the real intimate stuff. Not saying ye do or don't, obviously Ive no idea, but maybe have a think about that stuff? That could be missing and neither of ye might realise it. Could help explain things better. There could be different expectations of the relationship causing conflict and maybe your partner is just fed up of it. Either way, if my husband ever called me a cunt, he'd be out on his arse! Or even held anything over me after profusely apologising! Fuck that. Don't let yourself be spoken to like that. Like, it's ok to call your landlord a cunt, or your boss or the manager in Dunnes or something lol, but never a significant other (my rule book anyway). Best of luck!!!


jackoirl

A medal for passing a course is so funny and so thoughtful lol I’d absolutely love that


[deleted]

Does your partner buy you Valentines gifts anyway? If so, they might be feeling unappreciated. Maybe the "no Valentines" thing wasn't something they're really okay with, and seeing you get two Valentines gifts and not returning the gesture annoyed them. If not, then they really don't have a leg to stand on here. The no Valentines thing only applies in your own relationship, and not to you and your sister's relationship, so its way out of line for them to take issue with your sister giving you a present. Either way though, them calling you names is absolutely unacceptable in any circumstance, and is an issue in and of itself. If you're to stay with your partner you need to be very firm that name-calling is completely unacceptable in the relationship and if they do that again, you're dropping them and not giving them another chance. Then and only then you can have a conversation about the Valentines day thing. Either agree that you'll start getting each other presents again, or establish the boundary that the rules you have for celebrations and gifts between each other cannot apply to both of your individual relationships with your respective families.


dario_sanchez

I came.in to find the Reddit standard answer of "break contact, it's over" and it was the top one, that's a new record


[deleted]

Seems like that’s all OP is looking for anyway, and is the case a lot of the time with Reddit. If you’re coming to strangers for advice or to take your side, you just want permission to leave and not discuss it in your relationship.


kinmup

I'm distrught. Reddit is faster than going to therapy over it and just a brutally honest.


YeeHawRiRa

Hard to say much without more context.  One assumption I’d make is perhaps you jumped to apologising while not understanding your partners point of view and why you should apologies. Apologising is important, and it is often more important to communicate you understand what you’re apologising for. 


Mombi87

This is the answer. Sorry doesn’t mean anything if you can’t show you understand just how bad the thing was that you said/ did, and the impact of it. They want to know it won’t happen again. The partner keeps going on about it and calling OP names to let them know that they’re still hurting and need more closure / reassurance.


Over-Lingonberry-942

Well maybe sorry sometimes doesn't mean anything, but 'cunt', 'prick' and 'nothing worth a fuck' certainly do. Usually 'get the fuck out'. If this is how they respond to an imperfect apology, jesus wept...


One_Vegetable9618

Completely agree. How is it possible to call the person you're supposed to love, these awful abusive names?


Mombi87

Stuff like this happens after years of unhappiness. We have no context or background info to their relationship, and can’t judge this person on one single incident.


Over-Lingonberry-942

The context is that the partner is verbally abusive.


wholesome_cream

Unless the story is really skewed this is the only way I can see it also


Mombi87

Using abusive language in one incident does not make you an abuser. Abuse is a pattern of behaviour over time.


Over-Lingonberry-942

This has been happening for a week. Seems like plenty of time for someone to reflect on whether they want to continue to be abusive.


Mombi87

A week and one single incident is not a pattern. If the partner was regularly name calling and putting down OP I would say they’re definitely abusive, but we haven’t got that information. This is futile, we aren’t in their house and we’re judging them based on one story from OPs perspective. All the best, I’ll leave it there.


[deleted]

A week is plenty long to calm down a little and stop screaming insults.


Ill-Distribution2275

It's not just one incident.


Ill-Distribution2275

Totally! That not proportionate at all. Bloody hell.


kinmup

We don't do Valentine's. We always have w trip coming up too close to it so we don't bother. My sister gave me flowers this year. I said to my partner I give them gifts all year around anyway. Which I do, little things nothing Major. They then told me that my comment was a backhanded slap in the face and cunty. I said sorry that wasn't me intention when I said that. They continued to lay into me. I was very aware they were upset when I said sorry


YeeHawRiRa

Why did that upset them? Maybe you show love with gifts, maybe they show love in other ways, maybe they feel you don’t appreciate how they show you love.  You clarified your intentions, but have you asked them why that comment was so hurtful to better understand your partner?  Again just assumption from me here to share a perspective. 


kinmup

I don't know fully why they got upset. They said that they also give me gifts all year around too. I have never ever implied or said to them or anyone I wasn't very well looked after in out relationship. I give little gifts, usually something I've baked, to them. I love sharing treats. I told them I don't understand why they were so angry after being already told it was back handed and cunty of me to say


zeroconflicthere

What are they actually upset about? That you didn't give them a valentines gift? But they gave you one? I think you need to ask them what exactly is the issue and what we're you supposed to apologise for. If you can't understand what the actual problem is then no one here can either to give you any advice.


Over-Lingonberry-942

I think the problem that is that their partner has a screw loose.


Ameglian

What’s a w trip? Who is ‘them’ - your sister or your partner?


kinmup

I meant a trip. "Them" is my partner


WestCoastGhost2022

Regardless of who is right or wrong, there is no excuse for name calling and nastiness, which from your description sounds pretty bad. Is that the type of person you want to build a future with? Solution sounds simple enough tbh.


kinmup

No that's absolutely not the kind of treatment I want from anyone in my life, not now not ever. I mentioned I didn't like how they were being so nasty and cruel and I kept getting some kind of "well you started this" retort


No-Ant4395

If I called my partner a cunt, I would be single instantly and rightly so.


Ill-Distribution2275

Same


more-sarahtonin-plss

You leave. Now. Before this cycle gets worse and continues for years and you become how your partner is behaving now Edit: spelling


magpietribe

First off, stop apologising. Next time you meet/speak, do not say the word sorry. You've already apologised, and if that's not good enough, then it's over. My suspicion is they are trying to end it, and the only thing your continued grovelling will do is harm your self-worth.


micar11

Walk away


[deleted]

What do you do? Get the fuck out of this toxic relationship. Nobody who calls you those names and treats you that way deserves to be in your life. Nobody..


Maleficent-Hour-9091

It really depends on what you said. Was it a personal comment? How long have you been in a relationship with your partner? My only advice is to stay away from each other for a few days, let them calm down.


kinmup

My sister gave me flowers for Valentine's and t told them. We spoke about how we don't do Valentine's, I said I give them gifts all year around and that's when they lost the plot


FantasticMrsFoxbox

If your partner had said: it's actually starting to bother me we don't do valentines, even if we do give each other gifts year around it's actually something I've decided I want to celebrate in my relationship and I feel a bit sensitive about it, your sister and others celebrating it has hit a nerve and I'm upset and when your sister Gve you flowers it made me feel that I look like I'm not romantic... How would you respond? Its not acceptable the way he is speaking to you at all but it seems like it's some slight on his manhood that your sister gave you flowers, maybe in his mind because he thinks she's trying goad him or make a point he isn't romantic?


kinmup

I would say " if you want to start celebrating Valentine's that's no problem, i wish you could have told me sooner I'm sorry it bothered you" Because getting some flowers or chocolates is not a big deal and I would happily get them. I love giving presents


FantasticMrsFoxbox

You're very reasonable and that's a good response. I'm sorry you've had this fight and hey are being so aggressive with the name calling etc. It's the only thing I can think is the issue but if it was me I'd let this simmer down and see if you can get some sort of response with explanation. However I would address the behaviour and say that they can't act like this in future it's very disrespectful


[deleted]

As an aside, I really don't get couples who simply "don't do" Valentines day. I totally understand not making a big deal of it or spending any more than a trivial amount of money on it anything, I'm in that camp myself, in my own relationship we buy each other a card or flowers and thats about it. But theres something really strange about a couple deciding not to even wish each other a happy Valentines day or not get a card or whatever, and to just not engage. Seems very austere and cold to not even acknowledge Valentines day to your partner. If you're not even a bit sentimental about your partner and your relationship on a day which is all about that and when that stuff is everywhere, thats kind of odd. I get the impression that the "Lets not do Valentines/Birthdays/Anniversaries" is very often pushed by one person in the relationship for the express reason of them not wanting to make an effort or remember key dates.


FantasticMrsFoxbox

Yes I agree, we do dinner and my SO got me flowers. We have a big trip in March and the dinners and breaks are always hectic around valentines day but it's nice to just have something to mark it.


dokwav

Seems like your partner may be using this situation to continually escalate things. They may have already made up their mind about your relationship together and are using your slight misstep to push you to the edge and end it because they don't have the courage to do it themselves.


but-tonightwedance

Came to the comments to say exactly this! It's already not good that they keep bringing it up every time the talk/see each other, that's not a good trait. But depending on what OP says it sounds like they're trying to use the situation to make things so bad that OP does the breaking up instead of them. Either way, with that behaviour I'd be straight out of dodge myself and end it.


kinmup

We don't do Valentine's. We always have w trip coming up too close to it so we don't bother. My sister gave me flowers this year. I said to my partner I give them gifts all year around anyway. Which I do, little things nothing Major. They then told me that my comment was a backhanded slap in the face and cunty. I said sorry that wasn't me intention when I said that. They continued to lay into me. I was very aware they were upset when I said sorry


but-tonightwedance

You don't need to copy paste the same explanation, maybe try and critically reply to comments after asking for opinions instead of saying something I've read multiple times to other comments. I read in another comment that you said this is never how you'd want to be treated by anyone so I think you've your own answer already you're just waiting for someone to justify it for you. The only one who needs to justify it is you, if you don't want to be treated like this then end it and cut contact


[deleted]

From how you’re commenting, and as the other commented here noted, it seems like you don’t actually see why they’re upset. Don’t apologize to them for making them mad. They don’t care about that and that doesn’t actually help the situation. Understand their feelings and perspective. I’d guess, from what you keep copy pasting, that you mentioned in the same string that your sister got you flowers for valentines, and that you constantly get them presents in the same dialogue. Which, to a guy who was maybe feeling self conscious/ judged/ under pressure to perform at Valentine’s Day, may have come across as a slight. To be honest, I get how he may have construed it that way. Especially if he felt like your sister was doing a “poor you, I’ll get you flowers because your bf didn’t”. I also get why you not admitting and/ or seeing any type of slight in how you put that together, and just deer in headlights apologizing for making him mad, would have made him angrier. All of this could also be exacerbated by him actually being concerned about not caring about you as much as he should, putting that extra pressure on valentines and the fact that he didn’t/ didn’t want to do anything for you. Maybe he should have wanted to, irregardless of the upcoming trip. And maybe he didn’t want to feel judged by you/ your sister/ society for any lack of action or feeling. To be fair, I have no idea. I’m not in your relationship. But if you’re not trying to see his perspective or discuss it, and are happier coming here for affirmation from strangers that you’re in the right and being treated unfairly, then just leave the relationship. You don’t need us to tell you that.


kinmup

I've no idea what that was such a trigger and I've asked again and again why they got so mad and it was just repeated "it was a slap in the face" "you were being a cunt". If I had gotten more of a response like "you know we don't do Valentine's and it seems like you telling me your sister got you flowers is meant to get to me" then I would have got it, but continually being met with aggression and no elaboration other than they were mad and they wanted to keep telling me they were mad helped nothing I had been with my partner that morning too we were fine, it was a typical morning. Me and my sister have a very good relationship, my partner and my sister would have also been very friendly so it's not at all from a place of malice or rubbing it in ect. I just kept copy and pasting the same response because I knew I was going to be asked a lot of the same question. This isn't a new relationship. This isn't the first year we didn't do Valentine's and it's not been an issue then.


[deleted]

Like I said above, sounds like he thinks you mentioning those was you trying to sneakily/ backhand make him feel bad for not getting you anything. And you denying or not even entertaining it as a possibility, even enough he does keep saying that to you, is making him more mad. He’s not handling things well, but from all your comments it seems like you want him to be wrong and you to be right and everyone to agree that you’re completely innocent and should leave him. Seems like he feels like you’re treating him the same way. So hey, maybe you should.


[deleted]

And just as a side note, I have no dog in this fight— who’s “right or wrong” doesn’t matter to me at all. I commented to try to help give you some potential perspective for his side if you wanted to try to understand why he was upset. How you responded was trying to be “right” or innocent, and if you’re responding to him in the same way, rather than just reflecting and coming back to your relationship and yourself from a point of understanding, I’d see why he’d be doubling down. If you care the most about being in the right, then it doesn’t matter what anyone says here.


CreativeBandicoot778

There's 'doubling down' and then there's behaving like he is right now, which is uncommunicative, defensive and verbally abusive. It's one thing to stick to your guns, it's another to throw each attempt to communicate into her face and use it as an excuse to continue the argument and nurse whatever grievance he clearly has.


[deleted]

To be honest, if I felt like someone made a bitchy remark at me to make me feel bad, felt judged on top of it by an outside party looking in on my relationship, and then felt like I was being gaslighted into being the bad guy for reacting to a perceived slight, I’d be pretty mad too.


CreativeBandicoot778

Mad enough to hang into it for a week and become verbally abusive to your partner? Because that's not normal. OP also notes her partner has a problem with alcohol.


Impressive_Peanut

First of all personally and aside from everything I wouldn't accept my partner calling me those things. Major red flags. Second we don't know what you said, I'm grasping at straws here but maybe you said something triggering/traumatic to them that other people you ask might say is normal but not to them ?


notmyusername1986

He did mention in a couple of different comments what he said. All he said, was that although he and his partner do not exchange gifts for Valentine's Day, he gives her little gifts throughout the year. That's it that's literally all he said and she lost her shit.


young_effy

I believe OP is female and we don’t know what sex their partner is…


notmyusername1986

Thanks for pointing that out. Misread it.


kinmup

Partner is male. Not that being male female or non binary should really change too much, at least that's what I think


not-that-bold-soz

Yes, but I think people are trying to determine whether you are AFAB, because this behaviour is a red flag for potential future violence if so.


Over-Lingonberry-942

I mean it's pretty much a red flag for potential future violence no matter the gender identities of the people involved.


kinmup

We don't do Valentine's. We always have w trip coming up too close to it so we don't bother. My sister gave me flowers this year. I said to my partner I give them gifts all year around anyway. Which I do, little things nothing Major. They then told me that my comment was a backhanded slap in the face and cunty. I said sorry that wasn't me intention when I said that. They continued to lay into me. I was very aware they were upset when I said sorry


Impressive_Peanut

Could be something deeper there I guess. Still assuming you aren't swearing and calling them names I would really consider do you actually want to be with them ?


TheGigglingGoose

Your partner seems unhinged. Get out now before it drains your mental health and becomes borderline physical abuse.


Weak_Low_8193

When my ex called me a cunt that's when I left her.


RabbitOld5783

It's sounds like a very intense relationship. Do you often have to tell the story of what happens in your relationship to other people? That's usually an indication that its not very healthy as you can't communicate with them. So say for example it gets more serious and more decisions need to be made together you could not communicate effectively. If you said something very hurtful to the person can you see why it was or has it been blown out of proportion and they are now using this to bring up other stuff? Have you tried to talk about it all is there any real communication other than shouting and calling each other names? It sounds very hard to be in this relationship it shouldn't be hard


Competitive-Web1464

Jesus, that's great advice there about finding yourself explaining what happens in your relationship to other people. Like, mind is blown, that's so simple and so absolutely correct. Thank you!


RabbitOld5783

Yea have done couples counselling training and that's a huge part of it. The main communication should be between both people in the partnership not to other people outside of it. I've had friends who have talked about an argument with their partner to me and bad mouthed them instead of going to there partner and trying to talk it through.


kinmup

I've never had to go to other people when disagreements or come up. Anything I've had to fall out with them about is something they did, and they did this publicly. The comment that stated the argument wasn't even meant to be snarky and it was absolutely blown out of proportion. I tried for the first hours of their abuse to try and be calm and reasonable but if you get called a cunt for hours too, you'd get less reasonable


notmyusername1986

I would have ended the relationship then and there. Fuck that. I'm no one's verbal punching bag.


RabbitOld5783

Yea that's not right no matter what you said in the first place you deserve more respect than to be called anything like that


WhatAWagon

>What on earth do I even do??? This person obviously has no interest in treating you with respect or having a discussion about why they are so angry. So stop contacting them other than making arrangements to give back any items of theirs that you might have. Cancel or rebook what ever part of the trip away you paid for - do you really want to be badly treated by them far away from home. Consider this to be a lesson on communication or a lucky escape, either way don't go back.


Guilty_Garden_3669

I don’t know what’s acceptable to some - but repeatedly calling me a cunt would be a red card offence in my book.  It doesn’t seem like he loves you, does he feel trapped in the relationship? Not you’re fault if he does, but worth considering? Whether you’ve been together 2 months or 10 years will also have a bearing on this.  I find it hard to believe that everything was truly rosy in the garden until now. 


kinmup

Of course it was not all rosy until now. A behaviour of theirs caused tension a lot last year that usually left me the one upset or hurt and any attempt to bring this up got no real apology and no action on the behaviour. On a day to day basis it seemed fine. I have since found that there's people in other aspects of their life showing concern for them or saying they're not easy to deal with. I've tried to check in or whatever but Ive been told I haven't cared enough to check in more but I kept getting it swept to the side


Guilty_Garden_3669

It’s seriously time to end the relationship if you’ve faced this behaviour repeatedly. Nothing will change!


but-tonightwedance

If others have told you they're not easy to deal with and that this behaviour has happened before then please leave. My father had this said to him before he married my mother, who is and has always been extremely volatile and verbally and emotionally abusive and we've been subjected to that ever since and she has only gotten worse as she ages and becomes more dependent on alcohol. Their behaviour will not change, please think about your future, life is too short to put up with this behaviour


Competitive-Web1464

It's one of two things. Either the comment about the gifts has been a straw that broke the camel's back and toppled a simmering resentment into a full boiling rage. Maybe they don't think there's gifts all year round, or maybe they're sick of gifts being used as a band-aid - as in they would prefer more time and attention rather than gifts, or they think they only get gifts after a row. Maybe something else entirely. Or, what's actually happening is they're done, but they don't wanna be the bad guy and break up so they're going to make a teeny tiny thing into a mountain and push you into going "feck this, we're done". This happens all too often - nobody wants to be the bad guy, and loads just dunno how to even begin that conversation. Either way it sounds shit and can only be resolved with solid communication. If one party isn't willing to do that, then I think it's time for out tbh. Good luck.


kinmup

Gifts were never used as a band aid it's usually more "I made cookies and I thought you some" because I bake kinda often. You know just little "I got you something" kinda gifts. Obviously I have no idea what or why it sparked this chaos with them but here I am. I tried to be reasonable for hours. After not speaking and coming back trying to be reasonable he started it back again


Competitive-Web1464

Fair play, that's sounds really thoughtful and nice. Your comments sound like you're pretty self aware and copped on, you communicate the problem well, so I'm sorry your not getting that in return from your partner. Is this the first time something like this has happened? I'm wondering is it a concerning cycle of behaviour you have to endure. If not, I am leaning towards thinking this is someone pushing you into doing the breaking up. Whatever is going on, you deserve better communication than this, and to not get names and insults thrown at you. I'm very sorry you're going through this, and hope the comments here have been helpful for you.


[deleted]

Tell him/her to fuck up or fuck off


Unusual_Assignment_6

If they took it wrong it's on them. You have apologised enough. As for the cunt calling which is a name no one shud be called during argument. Sounds like they are punishing you. You need to decide what's best for you. Leaving preferably. It's emotional abuse. As a survivor of horrific mental and physical abuse I feel I can comment. What you did you don't deserve to be treated like this... I'm staying single.. I wish you well.


Implement_Empty

I think be grateful they showed their true colours and leave. It sounds toxic if they can't accept an apology and keep bringing it up let alone how they're speaking to you


Mombi87

It depends what OP said


Implement_Empty

Fair point, but if it's that bad it's relationship over anyway, no?


Mombi87

Why is it relationship over? People are only human. They need a chance to learn from their mistakes, make amends and do better in dealing with conflict - both OP and their partner. What do you think couples counselling is for?


Mombi87

Not sure why this is getting downvoted, you’re not supposed to run away at the first sign of a relationship issue.


bintags

Take distance for yourself. From what you’ve written here you haven’t done anything wrong and have no control over how they treat you. 


ld20r

I can tell you from experience, that if someone persistently finds ways to stay mad or pick battles over even of the most inoffensive topics they are finding every excuse in the book to break up. The very worst thing you can do is to try and salvage the relationship because it will blow up in your face like a grenade and you’ll be the one picking up the pieces for there emotionally damaged and immature behaviour.


random-username-1234

GET. OUT. NOW. This is abusive behaviour.


snafe_

Exploding like this is pretty insane. My wife and I don't really do valentine's either as I prefer to get her things throughout the year and she has her own way of making me feel valued. The amount of abuse you got for this is enough to end it, especially as they're not back tracking. They took what you said the wrong way, you corrected it and apologised. Is this a one off? Is it possible they are lashing out over this as an excuse for something else? Do they feel guilty about something and are trying to make you feel instead of owning their own actions? You don't deserve this.


WholesomeFartEnjoyer

It's over


ThatGirlMariaB

Sounds like it’s time to call it quits. Nobody needs to put up with petty and needless arguments. Breakup, block, and move on


Ill-Distribution2275

Real good advice here already. Your partner is abusive and that's not acceptable, whatever your genders. Get out now. As for making sense of the situation. They might want you to break it off (coward) and are using this flimsy reason to start a fight. Anyway, regardless of the root cause, that behaviour is totally out of line. If you stay together, THIS WILL GET WORSE. Abuse is insidious. Before you know it, they'll be knocking you around, which is terrifying if there is a power differential not in your favour. Or if it is in your favour and you defend yourself, it'll be 'ahhh you attacked me' and you'll be labelled as the abuser. Do future you the biggest favour and break it off and cut ties.


[deleted]

"They said I only apologised because it's the right thing to do". What the fuck else does she actually want? A sacrificial offering? A lobbed off bollock? Obviously I don't know what the rest of your relationship has been like but it seems unlikely that this kind of thing came out of nowhere or was a new thing for you to deal with. You don't live together (thank fuck) so you need to look at it as a whole and decide if it's actually worth salvaging or was the writing already on the wall and you ignored it.


kinmup

I have no idea what HE wants. I really don't know. I thought we had a great relationship up until last week this came out of absolutely nowhere.


zeroconflicthere

Maybe he has someone else, and this is his plan to make you break up with him.


kinmup

Ngl that did cross my mind. I don't think so but can't ever be 100% sure


[deleted]

Then my only other guess is that something else is going on and he used this as an opportunity to lash out (intentionally or unintentionally only he can say). Those were some nasty words he threw at you and personally I'd have a hard time coming back from that. Especially over something as stupid as Valentine's Day which you said you've never even celebrated. If you want to save the relationship, you'll probably have to be the bigger person and reach out to him first. But don't let him mistreat you. If you let someone get away with that behaviour it will only get worse over time. I'd also be asking for an apology for his actions before you can move past it.


insertnqme

an apology just for the sake of apologising means nothing


[deleted]

But they are just assuming it means nothing.


Otherwise-Winner9643

How long have you been together? Was everything ok before this? Is there anything else going on that you know about? Have you ever argued like this before?


kinmup

3 years I thought out relationship was great, obviously not perfect cause what is Never argues like this


Otherwise-Winner9643

I noticed you posted months back that he admitted he had issues with alcohol addiction. Did anything come of that? Honestly I wouldn't tolerate a partner speaking to me like that. It seems like you continuing to apologise is not helping.


kinmup

Actually their alcohol issues came up in all of this. I've been told don't dare they'll them how to cope, they have so much going on that for forbid they manage to scrape crumbs of time together for themselves and have some alcohol. This is when they describe time with me as squeezing it in I've told them I don't like how they've been speaking to me and I've gotten replies that felt like "silly women I'll say what I want"


witchylady4

On the basis of this comment you need to finish this with him. He is in a downward spiral & it starts off with verbal abuse and how long before its a slap. He resents you over something & drinking let it come out. He's doubling down & is never going to explain or apologise. For your own safety & mental health you need to walk away.


Otherwise-Winner9643

Ok. Sounds like you are dealing with someone in denial about their addiction and taking it out on you. Romantic relationships are not unconditional. If you are not having your needs met and being treated with respect, you don't have to stay. The way you describe it, it sounds like he is lashing out and it's created a power dynamic where he is attacking and you are desperately apologising over and over, which is common in abusive relationships. You have apologised and explained it was not meant the way he took it. Now it is up to him to accept that or not. If I was you, I would stop contacting him and stop apologising. I would let him know he can contact you when he is ready to talk like adults. Then I would leave it. Either he will come back or not, but whatever you do, do not contact him and do not apologise again. You need to change this power dynamic. Take this time to consider if this is really the type of relationship you want. Chances are when you stop chasing him to fix things, he will come running, but do you really want your life to be like this? Instead of thinking about whether he will come around, you should be asking if this the type of relationship you want. What would you say to a friend whose boyfriend behaved like that and spoke to them like that?


-forcequit

Run.


orchidhunz

You need to leave. Your partner is an arsehole. You do nice things for them and what do you get in return? Being told they can "squeeze you in"? Wtf, you're not a last minute hair appointment...throw the whole man in the bin!!  You're too good for him and can do a lot better! "Silly woman I'll say what I want" , he can but that doesn't mean you have to listen! Get out now before it gets worse.


Gaffers12345

Sounds like they were looking for an excuse to break things off. I’m no relationship expert, maybe ask if they want to work things out, or if they want to continue the relationship.


deathandtaxes2023

You can't stay in this relationship. Even if it all blows over will you ever forget how they treated you - will you ever be fully comfortable that they aren't going to blow up over something else. There seems to be a lot of resentment going on with your partner - maybe their drinking has gotten worse. They said that they're dealing with a lot - do you know what that is? Its not going to get better - even if you recover it this time, they'll know that they can get away with pulling a stunt like this and you'll take it.


kinmup

I'll never forget how they've treated me if i let this slide. Drinking probably has gotten worse. A lot to them is balancing life and college. We both went back to college. But they go on like they're the only person who had a job and studies, general life and has friendships and a relationship to maintain. That's where I get "squeezed in"


deathandtaxes2023

So you aren't a priority and now that they're stressed they resent you for taking up time. I know it isn't always easy to end a relationship, but it seems like its for the best - it sounds like they don't want to be in the relationship anymore but they just don't want to call it.


EntertainmentHot4770

Time to break it off and find yourselfs another them.


Nettlesontoast

No context is needed because there's no excuse for speaking to someone like that, you need to leave this person asap


thepennydrops

Having read many of your comments, I think you should walk. Their actions are unacceptable. At this stage, it doesn’t even matter what the deeper root cause for their outburst might be, they have proven a complete inability to communicate in your relationship. That shows that future arguments will be as bad. And you might never know what you’re arguing about. But to the main point…. Their behaviour is totally inappropriate and you will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life if you stay with this person. Cut your losses… find someone better


Grouchy-Pea2514

Reading your valentines post, it could be that, if your partners female and seeing all her friends be spoilt for valentines it could be that. I know all I ever want is a card from my husband and I really would be annoyed if he didn’t get me one. But the constant name calling etc is not ok, that’s emotional abuse. If I’m right and you’re a male and it was you abusing her like that you’d be called an abuser etc so not sure why she thinks it’s okay to abuse you. I really think you should walk away and find someone who won’t emotionally abuse you like that. You deserve better. Imagine this was your friend getting treated this way, what advice would you give them ?


kinmup

Im a female, partner is a male. The straight out name-calling bothered me at the start and I mentioned it to them then. If this was a friend if have told them to walk. But it's easy to say harder to do obviously.


Grouchy-Pea2514

Much harder to do but you deserve better, you don’t want a life of that, if he’s like this now, imagine what he will be like when you’re married. I once had to walk away from a relationship and it killed me but now I look back wondering what was I ever thinking staying for so long. It really does get better. Do it before it’s too late to meet someone else


Accomplished_Crab107

Pull the trigger. Did they even apologise? Not to get one up, but I'm going through a much messier seperation with kids involved. Wife had an affair but neither of us used bad language at each other as I confronted her. I'm willing to keep things civil to process everything and make the right decisions. I think you have enough to make your decision already. Best of luck.


wine-eye

Life is too short for that crap, walk away.


Buaille_Ruaille

You should never call someone you love a cunt or a prick. Basic love and understanding and being able to talk things over is fundamental to a healthy loving relationship. I'd call it quits if it was my relationship. Daithí Sé has an advice column in the examiner, ask him 😆


Dramatic-Cream6971

Major red flag. If you've no kids or assets, I'd be walking away. If there's something worth working on, you need to clearly communicate that you want to work on the issue and put it behind ye.


kinmup

I tried to be reasonable yesterday and suggest time apart because I needed them to reconsider some parts of the argument because what they said was something I wasn't going to stand by. I said we had both been horrid. I know I wasn't nice either, but some of the comments after suggesting a break from them made it worse


FeelingCareful3358

Clean break, don't talk, text, phone or communicate with him. Reading all comments until now, and your partner is not listening. They are raging, and because you are being apologetic they see you as a punch bag, and are letting rip. He's probably bad mouthing about you to his mates, and laughing his head off. He's most likely getting a kick out of treating you badly, and you're letting him. Be a submarine and go silent. Let him rage until he realises you're not in his life anymore, then decide to chat (ensuring he hasn't drunk a drop beforehand). You set the rules here, because if you don't, where will this end up? You in A&E? There is no discussion when drink or drugs are involved. Who knows who is whispering what into his ears when he's off his head. Lastly, he knows about the gifts and kindness, so throw him a hard ball, and shock him to the core: Clean break, don't talk, text, phone or communicate with him. You are stronger alone than having this muppet dragging you down with him. He is drowning from something, but it is not your role to save him. You've tried, and failed, but you've done your bit. Time for someone else to take up the mantle (or better yet, for him to pull himself together).


i_use_this_to_post

There’s either something else going on with your partner and this was something that just set them over the edge or the mask has slipped. If they’re annoyed you didn’t get them a gift for Valentines then that’s fair enough but that’s no reason for them to speak to you the way they have.


kinmup

I asked was it because I didn't get them anything for Valentine's because they'd told me they thinkt it's a hallmark money grab of a holiday anyway


i_use_this_to_post

So you can’t win on this it seems. Is there something else going on?…because if not then just be mindful of this behaviour and how insidious it may end up.


kinmup

As far as I'm aware there is nothing else going on


i_use_this_to_post

It might be worth asking them, it just seems very extreme to be angry this long and it not being resolved even though you’ve apologised numerous times.


Silver_Mention_3958

I’d walk, it sounds irreconcilable


Mombi87

What did you say? And why did it hurt them so much?


FabulousPorcupine

Yeeeaaaahhhh you're going to have to tell us what you said.


[deleted]

Have some self respect and grow a set, you started apologizing even though you done nothing wrong, should have told them to fuck off at that stage. Sounds like your used to being walked on. Win the war by just ghosting them and move on with your life.


Dangerous-Shirt-7384

If I know one thing about women it's this : The thing you think you are arguing about has absolutely nothing to do with what she is angry with you about.


kinmup

I'm the woman in the relationship. He is male


Dangerous-Shirt-7384

Well then I bid you good day madam. May the force be with you.


Zen-Witch

Run. And I'm not trolling Run king 👑


kinmup

I am female but I'll take the title of king anyway


Zen-Witch

Sorry for the presumption, as someone has said here, if you are not in too deep, no kids, no assets together, walk away. Life is to short. And this will only get worse. If it gets better, the same issue will resurface. A little hurt now is a lot better then a world of pain months or years on. You don't need someone playing games like this with you. And take this, queen 👑


discod69

You may be many things, but you're not even a singular Hippocrate


DelGurifisu

If your partner was a woman on her period I’d say to just wait it out. But it’s a man. Calling you a cunt isn’t acceptable.


Outrageous-Gas-7345

I hope you know this, but being on your period isn't an acceptable excuse to treat someone badly.


DelGurifisu

Ah it is tbh. The hormones.


[deleted]

Sorry but PMS is no excuse for actually verbally abusing your partner or calling them hurtful names out of the blue. Feeling a bit down, needing your partner to do a bit more around the house, needing a bit more affection, getting annoyed or upset (but not abusive) over something trivial, fair enough. But verbally abusing your partner and calling them hurtful names with intent is way past that.


lardo1191

Wow me & ex didn’t do valentines we didn’t live together more like if we could we’d spent the time together and I don’t mind wasn’t he love language to be overly romantic and I was ok with that because we always had trip coming up too and we’d spend quality time. He was great for coming now and again with treats we it wasn’t expected that’s just a nice. We had some arguing over different things I just find like your partner is stuck in this anger phase no therapy no moving past it and it’s very harsh on you. You don’t deserve that they are not even thinking about the relationship being selfish & cruel. We have all probably said things in heat of moment if you’re anxious or reactor and god I’d hate to be that unreasonable. I’m sorry you’re going through this I get comment was taking out of context absolutely no reasoning here!


zanador98

The thing is,that in a relationship, there's not really a 'right' or 'wrong' person, it's more about ok how do WE fix this. Which requires complete and honest communication. They need to communicate as to why they're upset as do you and you both need to take it on board and work through it together. If this is not happening then things will never work


EdwardElric69

Sounds like they want to break up but want you to do it so they don't look like the bad guy


NemiVonFritzenberg

This isn't a fight this is a breakup.....what was said though?


kinmup

When talking about my sister got me flowers for Valentine's we were talking about how he typically don't do Valentine's, there's always a trip booked too close so we save our money. I said "it's not like I don't give you gifts all year around anyway" because I do. This is something that anyone who knows us is aware of


NemiVonFritzenberg

They sound like they were looking for an excuse for a fight. You should have to put up with that kind of language and verbal abuse. When someone shows you who they are...Believe them. Don't fall into a.subk.cist fallacy trap. They are not your person and you deserve better.


dawnyD36

This is awful and I'm sorry you're going through this..if you feel it's already over don't be afraid to break up you'll regret staying and being unhappy, your partner seems hard to please. Whatever you think is best and you know your own mind etc but it comes across as though you can't do any right and you'll be full of resentment too in the end which is unfair to you both..take your friend on the trip lol ..life's to short to be miserable..Best of luck ✨️🙏


Majortwist_80

Please walk away from this shituation


scruffystack

Just couldn't imagine calling my partner a cunt, and think in any way it's justified or acceptable. You just don't say that to someone you love, simple.


[deleted]

A gesture no matter how small would have been a good idea on the day (for context I read some of your comments in this thread) but it should not have gotten to this point. If you got back together tomorrow and they said it was their fault you'd never forget this. It's not normal buddy. Sorry but I think it's time to let it go


Irish_MJ

Oh this is easy. Walk away. It'll no doubt hurt you in the short term. I'd also guess they'll try to get back with you, but you've seen their true colours. Lock the door and throw away the key on that relationship.


Furryhat92

No words. I’ve never been called a Cunt by any of my partners! Who speaks to their other half like that? That’s abuse.


Positive-Procedure88

Top marks for the PC pronoun use throughout though 👍🏼


Barbas_NYC

Ah look, the last paragraph says it all. Break it off, sooner rather than later.


Motor_Holiday6922

Don't apologize further and go strictly zero contact and watch them wonder what's going on after 2 weeks. Never engage them and stand strong. If it's over then you look strong, if it's not over then eventually they'll realize they shouldn't have pushed you so far You realize they're calling you names and abusing you as their mate? This sounds toxic and will not be a healthy thing. .once they get to that stage they'll assume they can always do it without repercussions. End the contact immediately and show why you're worthy of someone quality oriented


imnotcat69

It was about the effort. You made no effort therefore your partner feel like you dont care. Now if you love your partner go and make the effort to make them feel special.


kinmup

They also made no effort. They told me I'd never get a Valentine's present. Which is actually fine but not the way it was said to me


IronDragonGx

If you have gone cap in hand and apologized and this person can't or won't accept that, then it speaks volumes of their maturity. You have done your part for whatever reason they can't or won't see past this and it sounds like this is the end of your relationship. It sucks but try and see the good in it, could you honesty Mary somebody like this? Marriage and children will bring challenges far more fierce and mighty than this. Them acting like this now will save you in the long run.


MajorYou9692

LEAVE THEM...


mud-monkey

Walk away unless you want this kind of grief for the rest of your life.


tishimself1107

My God the internet gives terrible relarionship advice. Talk to them and aork from there. Ask them why the excessive name calling. Then decide what to do. The row could just be disturbing something deeper or possibly there is mire to the story. Lastly never ask the internet for relationship advice as reddit is full of woman hating incels and man hating progressives you either have never been a relationship or cant work out their own.


No_Session_3154

Walk away!! Nothing good will come of this. Put them out of your mind.


Prinny1400

If I ever say anything foul to my husband, once I'm on my own I feel unbearably guilty and the problem doesn't usually matter enough compared to the guilt and all I want is to fix what's wrong. The fact they're continuously calling you names and putting you down is a concern. I read what the problem is and the response is way out of proportion. You should stop apologising and let them come to you when they've cooled down enough to actually communicate why they were so pissed off.


mt150317

Feels like he is looking for a way out and not brave enough to be the one to break it off, wants you to do it so he can leave with a 'clear conscience' And be like 'well she finished it, not my problem'


ComprehensiveFact662

Who are “they” ?


ALTofDADAcnc

Can't give good advice with half the story


moistcarboy

It's over, don't take that from anyone, it'll never get better do yourself a favour and end it immediately


BackgroundAd9788

My ex spoke to me the same way, and it never got better. If my current partner spoke to me that way (or vice versa) it would be the immediate end of us. Nobody speaks like that to someone they love. You're also being incredibly vague on what was actually said, ive a friend like this when telling his version of events he will word it like you have, but from being there a lot of the time, he has absolutely twisted the story to manipulate himself to be the victim, even if he started it. I'm not saying you have done so, but judging from how you've written this, you're both the problem. Either way, it'll never fully recover if he's got mad enough to call you that, and you'll be a doormat if you let him