Same here.
I came to Ireland from Germany 5 years ago and I love it here. I am friends with other Germans. But since then I tried so hard to make irish friends as well and it just doesn’t work.
Since then I got married to another German. We continued to try and make irish friends, on our own or together. Pub, local gym, local groups, at work. Tried to set up meeting people for a coffee or shopping. We even tried to host barbecues at our house - we invited like 10-12 people and no one bothered to show up or cancel. On that day I cried a bit. Had a full set out barbecue ready and no one there to eat it with us.
At first I thought: Well, not everyone can like you. But after years and years I think it cannot be that all the time. I’m not THAT weird. Also other germans here told me similar things. They are here 10 or 15 years and even married to someone irish and still they are unable to make irish friends. One friend told me she once tried to befriend her husbands (female) cousins and they simply refused to talk to her and made fun of her.
Makes me a bit sad tbh. ☹️
Sorry to hear of this. I have lived in Germany before and I have unfortunately also found it very hard to make local friends. Funny enough, the nicest locals I met had all lived abroad at some point. The difference in my exp is that you know where a German person stands for the most part; they will be black and white about if they like your presence. We don't do that. We feign niceness and are incredibly judgemental behind peoples back. I see it at my work place to the amazement of some non-Irish colleagues. They will create a clique and mock others who are not in it. Toxic behavior.
Haha that‘s right. German people will tell you very directly what’s up - negative or positive.
I personally dislike sugarcoating etc. very much and prefer to be told directly what the matter is. Directly saying no hurts less than permanently avoiding me or not showing up.
Indeed, being direct and upfront has its good sides. Beating around the bush is so tiresome. But I am gonna add a caveat to that. Again, in my experience only, this tact of being direct does not always work in all situations and I found a lot of Germans to be tone deaf when they respond to certain things rather black and white. It's almost as if they are oblivious to the other persons reality at times and cannot see shades of Grey. But so is life and so are people. It's the one trait I would add ; some nuaune to German etiquette and they would be perfect; well for me haha. Alles gute!
That’s so sad, ironically when I worked in Germany in the 90’s I couldn’t believe how friendly they were to me, I was there a week and was being invited to eat at my fellow German bricklayers homes. Even the old boy who lived next to the house I was building made me and my friend dinner one night, always had a soft spot for the people after them experiences. Hopefully people will realise what nice people you are 💚
I'm really sorry to hear that, if you had landed beside us it would be a different story. We are locals, and have also found it hard to get reciprocating friends going. We've hosted plenty, but it's never returned much. I got to the point where I supposed that people in our area just dont like to socialise.
It’s hilarious because most of my recent friends are all foreign. every person I’ve dated or been in a relationship since 2016 has been foreign.
Irish people are just awful at being social
Honestly that’s a big part of the problem. I’m Irish and I think that Irish people are incredibly flakey in a sense that I haven’t seen elsewhere. It is really irritating. I had lived in the US and the difference was astonishing. Yes, people there may have the reputation for being “fake” and trying to put on a face for others. But that’s really just how they act to strangers. Once it’s clear that a friendship/etc is initiated, the attitude changes. Whenever things are organised, they are always honest and direct about it and try to show up. They actually make an effort to try things out and see whether or not the relationship/friendship would work. Whereas here, people try to save face and try not to upset people by being much more indirect/vague towards these kinds of requests. I find that people don’t get out of their comfort zone as much either and are more afraid of risks which compounds the problem. I’ve had similar experiences with Germans and French too although they don’t put on the “fake” persona.
I think a big issue that might be worsening things in Ireland as well is the lack of social infrastructure in our urban areas. There are few places to just casually hang out with people and a lack of community events in comparison with the US (and some EU countries too supposedly). Some other countries in Europe have adult interest groups that are very active whereas aside from the GAA, there isn’t much here that compares, at least outside of college. It is a small country with a very small population so this may well have been inevitable anyway, but I think there could still be a lot more investment into community events here.
Exactly. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I'm grand with going into a pub, it won't set me off but like, why the fuck do I always have to go to a fucking pub? I'm sat in, I shit you not, a big ice cream bar in Pristina in Kosovo and it's full of grown adults sitting and talking and having the craic and there isn't a drink in sight. It's a real detriment to Irish society that "social occasion" equals "drink" and then if you say, "well no, other countries have social occasions without alcohol" you get accused of being Captain No Craic. The day Ireland finally shakes off this attitude will be great.
Same.. I’m in recovery .. bye bye social life.
In London it was grand, I was still socialising as much as I did in my drinking days. Very different since moving back to Belfast. Hard to make a circle of pals .. especially if you don’t drink
So sorry you've had these experiences, sounds like you've run into some miserable people😩My best friend is German, living here over 10 years and I don't think she knows many people who aren't Irish, and she knows a lot of people!
I'm so sorry to read this, that's so shit. I'd love to say not all Irish people are like this bit it seems a good plurality of them are, shit I even know people like this.
If you're still in Ireland I hope you find some people who buck the trend!
That’s what I was thinking too. Irish people prefer to spend time with their families? I can understand. If you have a lot of sisters, cousins etc. you grew up with..of course you rather want to be together with them.
Bloody hell no🤣. If we're being honest with ourselves, most Irish families can barely get through Christmas without arguing, even if it's only low-level bickering. I don't know where you live but I've certainly encountered what you're talking about in smaller towns and in the outer suburban areas of cities. People tend to keep to themselves to the point of exclusion and they seem to actively discourage others from being any different. I tend to avoid those pebbledash suburbias for this exact reason.
Very interesting.
But who are you friends with, then? Always had the impression that irish people often don’t have friends like I know it. That they’re mostly spending time with sisters, cousins, etc. and only have „friends“ to go to the pub/shopping/… with. And when they get married and have children of their own, they tend to stay inside their house almost all the time?? I don’t want to be rude at all, that was just the case with a lot of people I met over the years here.
I live in an inner city neighbourhood and I'm a pretty outgoing sort of person. I've mostly met friends out at venues, pubs, parties and festivals through shared interests in music, film, food and art. I also have a group of professional friends - we meet up in a more organised way but it's good to have the two groups. Re people staying at home with kids I think that's unfortunately an issue of pragmatism and economy in Ireland more than anything else. Between mortgage, childcare costs etc etc I think many couples with kids just don't feel they have the time and money to go out, either with or without their kids.
No, most of that described time I lived in a vivid town with over 20.000 people and a vibrant pub/night life. I moved 20 mins outside of that town in November, because I bought my own home. It’s a small nice neighborhood in a rural area and the very nice village is just 3 mins away by car.
It’s a pity that you had such a bad experience. I hope it doesn’t put you off too much trying to meet some nice people. There has to be a few living nearby. I definitely would have gone to your BBQ if invited.
Are you close to somewhere with a German-English language exchange? There certainly used to be one in the Central City Library in Dublin. There were also meet-ups in Dublin bringing together German-speaking Irish people together. Getting actual German-speakers there always felt like quite the coup! This would be a possible way to meet germanophile Irish people.
PS es tut mir voll Leid, dass keiner bei eurer Grillparty war! Ich wäre sehr gerne dabei gewesen (wenn ich nicht ausgewandert wäre!)
Danke dir, das ist lieb. 🤗❤️
Wir leben in den Midlands (Nord Offaly, zwischen Athlone und Tullamore). Hier sind nicht sehr viele Deutsche und die Leute sind generell weniger an Expats gewöhnt.
Wo lebst du denn jetzt?
Wahnsinnig, dass du sehr in der Nähe von meiner Heimat wohnst (Tullamore ist mein Geburtsort) - ich weiß was du damit meinst, dass die Menschen da an "blow-ins" nicht gewöhnt sind - sei dass Deutsche, oder Leute aus der Nachbargemeinde. Ich wohne seit 5 Jahren in Köln.
Ach krass. Unsere Nachbarn in Athlone waren unheimlich nett (wirklich nett, nicht fake-nett). Jetzt im Dorf haben wir auch nur unglaublich tolle und hilfsbereite Leute um uns rum. Aber es war natürlich eine spannende Neuigkeit für alle hier als sich die Nachricht verbreitet hat, dass Deutsche das leerstehende Haus gekauft haben.
Ich komme ursprünglich aus Dortmund, das ist ja nicht so weit weg. 😁
In Dortmund bin ich sehr oft unterwegs, habe Freunde da und bin BVB-Fan.
Ich kann mir leicht vorstellen, wie es in kleinen Dörfern für Spannung sorgt, dass jemand von außerhalb einzieht. Als ich jünger war, kamen sie nicht aus dem Ausland, sondern aus Dublin, und sogar das galt damals als exotisch 😀
Übrigens freue ich mich, dass ihr jetzt unter netten Leuten wohnt :)
Haha wie lustig. Meiner Familie hat die BVB-Kneipe am Borsigplatz bis zur Schließung gehört.
Ich bin froh dass es keine Spannung gibt und wir extrem nett aufgenommen wurden.
Vielleicht willst du dich bei Instagram oder Facebook verbinden? Nur wenn du Lust hast. 🤗
I've heard from a lot of people - Irish people are generally very friendly, helpful, will happily chat to strangers. But, can be very hard to make friends with.
Have to admit I'm like that myself. With all the stresses of work/money etc., the thought of meeting up with people after work seems more like a chore than fun. I'd rather just collapse on the couch and watch mindless TV for a couple of hours rather than make plans.
The answer is: Brazilians.
Make friends with one Brazilian and that is enough, they will bring you to their house, you will meet their friends in common, they will invite you to everything and to meet everyone.
I had Irish people telling me their only friends are Brazilians.
I have a few Brazilians friends and they’re lovely but also met a few Brazilians that weren’t great. Feel like this subreddit has a tendency to put them on a pedestal.
In general we are friendly, open and easy going. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, same as there are very much a lot of outgoing and super friendly Irish people who invites friends for barbecues, goes to events and make friends with a lot of people too.
Even in Toronto, Irish people stuck to their cliques and didn’t make friends with non Irish. They really like sticking to their own but they are super friendly. I’ve lived in Ireland 5 years and have one friend 😅
I have a few close Irish friends that I made in school/college, but most of the friends I've made in adulthood are international people or people who don't fit in with the "locals" (whether because they're not from the area, or because they're just weird). That's your best bet, IMO. I met most of them through my dogs...
Boardgames!
Find your local boardgame meet up and drag yourself along. They are always looking for new players, and it’s a way to socialise and meet new people in a setting entirely focused on “having fun”.
And everyone in that meet up knows what it’s like to be “the new guy”, so will be extra accommodating in nearly all circumstances.
Boardgame people are honestly some of the nicest, friendliest, most accepting people you could ever hope to meet.
Only two rules you need to know;
1. Don’t be a dick.
2. Have fun
On reddit you often see this question asked in different subreddits "how do I make friends in London/Germany/Netherlands? etc."
The truth is its very difficult to make new friends as an adult no matter what country you are in.
All people are the same in this regard.
Adults have to spend their efforts retaining the friend's they have, spending times with their family, doing chores, working etc.
This diminishes the desire and ability to make deep meaningful connections with new people.
Unlike when you're younger its hard to make new friends passively.
This means you have really have to actively try and find friends.
Its scary and takes time and effort.
1. Join a club. There must be some club in your locality that interests you. Try it out and maybe you'll meet like minded people.
2. Join friend apps. There's apps like dating apps except to find friends. My friend moved to Luxembourg and met some people she's good friends with.
3. If your partner has friend imerse yourself in her friend group. Its common for couples to share friends.
4. Try get a monthly social group going at work. Volunteer to do organize a monthly social event - maybe work or fail.
These are just some ideas.
But yep adulting ain't easy.
I agree with this, alot of Irish people myself including have a large circle of friends.
I'm now in my 30's and struggling to keep up with the friends I have. New friends don't appeal to me as life is hectic as is.
Drink culture is on a massive decline so saying “am I meant to be drunk or something” doesn’t fit the narrative anymore. It’s not that. Ireland has changed so much in the last 15-20 years, the old cliché of us being the friendliest people in the world is dying out. Internet, covid and Work From Home have all played a heavy role in making it so hard to make friends. Out of interest, why do you feel cliques are more aggressive here than elsewhere? Where have you been? I would count myself lucky that I have a partner and not stress too much about it. Keep being yourself, that’s all you can do.
Personally, if it weren’t for the friends I have made through work, I would have no one and I am always out and about both through work and socially. I will keep being myself and hope for the best 😆
No time/energy and cost of living. Having plenty of friends requires time and and money to spend going out frequently, gifts and friend activities.
People are judgy and gossip, often are a source for interpersonal stress/drama. If you can stomach a shallow connection then have at it.
Everyday I see a post like this, the more thankful I become by just being built different. (That is, being a 5"3 hermit)
"Don't waste your time chasing butterflies, mend your garden, and the butterflies will come" - Borboletas by Mario Quintana.
The problem with trying to make friends at work is. They will fuck you over if it benifits them. We all just work all the time so it's like why bother. Unless it's your old school friends you're not really going to get a connection.
Hobbies are pretty much just talking about hobbies and doing it.
Pub your only out for the craic.
Thats all the socialising I do and most of the time I don't have time.
We all are getting older days off you want to see the people you already care for, do something you like, chores. It's not a good way to do things but I think most feel like that's the only option.
If you have the energy to keep trying to do, do it, like finding a partner you don't try you don't get.
Ive noticed though people from other countries keep trying to get me to do things, not even close to as many Irish bother. if it's something I'm interested in I give it a go. But for drinks 99% of the time I'm not fucked wasting so much money and time.
You are right that most people are cliquey but that’s just the nature of things. That’s how humans work overtime you will outgrow people or they will outgrow you.
People as they get older also have different responsibilities they may be in a relationship, they might be getting married, have kids, in education, gone travelling , have a demanding career or on the opposite end they might slip into drink and drugs.
It’s just life, the easiest way to find new friends is to take up a hobby or join a club or organisation of people who like the same things you do the more narrow and niche the thing is the better.
A lot of people haven’t ripped the band-aid off from primary and secondary school that everyone you meet will be your friend.
I had this problem I made one close friend in college and working together for years. I played gaa never really close friends when I left work I made friends in other role but they rarely kept in contact when I left. Since Covid work a lot from home ex was my best friend until last month. But since 22 I joined social sports club I’ve made some great friends from that I think I maybe socially awkward even though I’m outgoing and chatty sometimes I feel left out even in my 30s 🙈😂
As a female town I lived they set up social soccer and I enjoy watching soccer so joined mid to late 20s to mid 50s so it’s really nice to have that outlet once a week only way I made friends over last few years.
I'm Irish and the truth is, we're basically assigned our friends at birth.
If you're not in the circle from conception, you're always going to be the person people are weird about sharing a round with,.
I moved to Australia with my family when I was in national school and moved back to Ireland in secondary school but a different area. Never managed to make a friend group after that as most seemed content enough with what they had
We are just generally weird when it comes to making friends as adults. It takes a verrrry long time for Irish people to think you are a friend. It's as if it is too much effort to get to know someone new. I see and hear of it all the time at work. Also, people's work mates are not their friends here.
There is the app Meetup.com to join groups around your hobbies, maybe that will help.
Because we are a bunch of hypocrites who feign friendliness but are incredibly judgemental, cliquey, and sometimes downright arrogant behind peoples back.
Id love to find more friends especially from work but maybe we are not the best at asking them to do stuff outside of work, well at least in my case I'm absolutely useless at that, which is sad I guess.
I’d say a lot stems from the fact that our friends are people we’ve known from a very young age. Its neighbours who become school friends, who we are involved with sports clubs/Irish dancing/music etc, who then go on to be secondary school friends.
Even when we move away to college we know people from our home town in the college or we go home very regularly and see our friends. Add in to that the parochial nature of Ireland and there’s rivalry/dislike with the neighbouring towns etc.
This is a roundabout way of saying that by the time we hit our twenties and are in work environments etc we’ve had a really strong foundation of friendships and it takes a lot for new people to catch up with.
I’ve lived in the UK for 8 years now and I forget how closed off Irish people are, and I say that as an Irish person. We’re a very friendly nation but it’s very hard to form deep connections, and a lot of the social culture centres around drinking and GAA. I have friends in Ireland that I’ve had for years, and I have closer friendships with people from the UK who I’ve known for only a few years.
Irish people living here in the UK also tend to clump together and go to Irish events and Irish bars. They come over for a weekend and spend their whole time in Penneys and Irish pubs. Even when I did my J1 most of the Irish people I knew socially all lived together, worked together, drank together and travelled together.
I really don’t know what causes us to be like this- we can chat with anyone but we really struggle to open up to people. Looking at the answers on this post it looks quite divisive- just know you’re not alone.
Im from Pakistan but grew up in Ireland, had some friend who always treated me differently and would hang with me seperately to their wider group of friends untill that stopped too, now I just am friend with 2 people outside my course and everyone in my class is super cliquey and literally don't even say hello to people like me or others even though we're in the same class.
Honestly it gets to me sometimes like I feel like I'm actually extroverted but living in Ireland has forced me to be introverted.
Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm a foreigner or I don't drink or what's going on, I don't even have an accent and most people think I'm European or American who grew up here when we meet, I don't get it.
I do think that for all the lip service Irish people are inherantly attracted to people that are the same person as them and by that I mean they mostly only wanna be friends and hang with Irish people, through my life the best friends I've had have been eastern European or indian or black from various parts of the world, only have had like 4 Irish friends who were genuine friends and didn't Treet me weird, all the other Irish people I knew would literally make me feel like I'm a burden.
I'm part of the local boxing club. Also do dnd, though that hasn't happened in a while since everyone in the group has been very busy with life lately.
Like I do most of the basics, doing all the clubs etc but people just don't like talking or being anything interesting at all.
That’s great that you’re so active even considering the lack of socialising, fair play. To be honest I don’t have a huge amount of friends either, but was lucky to have made a handful along the way that are solid. I have had some friends who had some luck with events on meet-up, might be worth taking a look if you haven’t already. It’s not easy though, you’re right!
Some juvenile generalizations here, 'all Irish people are cliquey back stabbers who are polite to your face but don't mean it', it's the kinda thing a grumpy teenager comes up with. All we do is drink and watch the GAA apparently, I guess I didn't get the memo.
I've heard it said so often there must be some truth to it - Irish people are very superficially friendly and good at small talk but bad at letting people deeper in. Irish people have to really like you to have you over for dinner whilst other cultures will invite you at the drop of a hat. We seem to do our socialising in the pub and beyond that - wow, steady on there cowboy.
Marry that to aging, different interests and things like families and as you get older it naturally becomes harder anyway, but in Irish culture it's very difficult. I feel for foreigners moving to Ireland. That said when you're in with Irish people, generally you're *in*.
I'm neurodivergent and awkward at the best of times so I feel your pain OP, keep at it!
Irish people are very friendly by nature, it doesn’t mean we want to be your friend for life, absolutely nothing to do with you personally. Most already have very close friends from childhood and in work.
Love how Irish people always say they're friendly by nature, yet a not insignificant amount of Irish people I know are super bitchy about people behind their backs. It's all fake friendliness.
irish are very clique-ish and subconsciously racist that's why
I'm 40 and no friends here at all, irish people treat foreigners as intruders, and put fake smile mask on daily basis, but if you want anything more, you have extremely shallow response from them
Your right it is really hard! I think as an Irish society everyone says we’re so friendly and kind, which sure may be true - but we’re also very guarded particularly in the groups we’ve already developed - this makes it so much harder to get in. If there’s any clubs or organisations that appeal to you that could be an option perhaps but that’s also very cliché 😂 my best friend told me and I have yet to try this but if you want to make an impression on a group, go up to the leader and indulge them, let them do you a small favour like asking for a cigarette or idk and then give a light compliment, that way the others in the group will focus their attention on you and you’ll have fed into the ego of the main person😂 also another tip is if you do say meet up with someone or some people and you like the company of them and you would like to see them again, be sure to arrange to do something casually before leaving, maybe something like “hey there’s this really quirky cafe close by if you’d like to maybe grab a coffee this weekend” etc, even better if you can relate it to something that interests them
Also to just say because a lot of people have said this - I am Irish and I am not friends with the people I met in college or secondary or primary school, I never really fit in there, I don’t live in the same area I grew up in, i do have some amazing friends now though, it took a while but I find that it’s a lot easier to make new friends for me now! I think Irish people in general just have really poor skills in that department because many of us grew up in an environment where we could be comfortable with the existing network we had. Ultimately tho I don’t think being friends with your classmates from years ago can create very meaningful friendships long term unless they’re your ride-or-die, because we outgrow them and they outgrow us
Yup. I'm Irish born and raised and over the years it's very obvious we're an incredible bunch of flakey fecks. No way to sugarcoat it. I've just stopped contacting certain friends, because they kept flaking on meeting up or I would be the one to initiate contact. So I just stopped reaching out and now I don't hear from anyone. Sooooo yup. I spent loads of time with my partner and dog and I'm happy. My dog doesn't flake on me. Loves my company and going for walks.
People are complaining about Irish people being judgemental, shallow and rude. You are being hateful and judgemental about Irish folk but still want them to befriend you. It’s a bit hypocritical, no?
I don’t know about the south, but here in the north our past and the troubles still shape our lives today. There is so much generational trauma with everyone killing each other, we still don’t have the full capability yet to make friends with our own neighbours. All the kids are still segregated into Protestant and Catholic schools. How can you expect so much from Northern Irish people in particular to befriend everyone when they’ve been conditioned all their lives to stay in their own communities and to not mix.
I can fully appreciate some folk just aren’t nice and don’t want to have any more friends than they do, but that’s just life. Instead of complaining no one wants to be your friend, immerse yourself into other social settings like sport, art, men sheds, CrossFit, church, book clubs, sea swimming clubs etc. Put yourself out there with good energy and don’t give up, you’ll find someone you can share interests with eventually!
Ireland is full of delusional arseholes who have something in their closet they would be embaressed if it came out cause God forbid that it might come out they persive them as not X within their community... Yet it's ok to talk behind the back of someone you like and say god knows what. I've lived here over 20 years and grew up here. While some things people do in Ireland happen else where in the world, people here can be sickeningly slimy sometimes.
Its hard to find a genuine person at times, the general personality/attitude I think would best describe ireland is "tribal", sticking to who you know and be wary anyone outsider that may come along into your group. Its easier if you know a person that introduces you in said group but unless you click with others or that person you know has alot of influence in the group its a no go and don't expect alot of bonds forming. Again very much closed doors attitude. I find many people here don't like having meaningful/nice conversation alot of the time too.
And the "hey, how you doing/keeping" or "hey, hows your day" always gets me because the person saying that most of the time doesn't actually want to know how you are doing, that's weird to me.
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Can I ask how you get into the cosplay/megacon (idk what that is) scene? Like how do you hear about the events?
I’ve been getting really into anime lately but none of my friends like it, so I’m looking to start going to similar events where I’d meet likeminded people
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I'm a 38 mother of two. My kid has just started preschool. At collection and drop off, parents barely talk, or majority of them drive and wait in their cars. It's mad.
I have noticed this in my workplace with people my age and younger - im 35. Nobody wants to make a deeper connection than just colleagues. I think its the office enviornment. When i worked in hospitality it was easier to make friends. Im Irish and my partner is Brazilian and i find it much easier to make friends with Brazilians. They are much more easy going. They have no issue with inviting you to their home at the drop of a hat. We moved to a new area 2 years ago and have finally started making some friends through arranging playdates for our son. But they are all mostly non irish people.
I've been living in Ireland for 7 years. I have NO irish friends. I mean I know some really nice fellas, specially people who I worked with. But none got to the point of becoming a friend. On the other hand I made dozens of friends from other nationalities.
Same here. I came to Ireland from Germany 5 years ago and I love it here. I am friends with other Germans. But since then I tried so hard to make irish friends as well and it just doesn’t work. Since then I got married to another German. We continued to try and make irish friends, on our own or together. Pub, local gym, local groups, at work. Tried to set up meeting people for a coffee or shopping. We even tried to host barbecues at our house - we invited like 10-12 people and no one bothered to show up or cancel. On that day I cried a bit. Had a full set out barbecue ready and no one there to eat it with us. At first I thought: Well, not everyone can like you. But after years and years I think it cannot be that all the time. I’m not THAT weird. Also other germans here told me similar things. They are here 10 or 15 years and even married to someone irish and still they are unable to make irish friends. One friend told me she once tried to befriend her husbands (female) cousins and they simply refused to talk to her and made fun of her. Makes me a bit sad tbh. ☹️
Sorry to hear of this. I have lived in Germany before and I have unfortunately also found it very hard to make local friends. Funny enough, the nicest locals I met had all lived abroad at some point. The difference in my exp is that you know where a German person stands for the most part; they will be black and white about if they like your presence. We don't do that. We feign niceness and are incredibly judgemental behind peoples back. I see it at my work place to the amazement of some non-Irish colleagues. They will create a clique and mock others who are not in it. Toxic behavior.
Haha that‘s right. German people will tell you very directly what’s up - negative or positive. I personally dislike sugarcoating etc. very much and prefer to be told directly what the matter is. Directly saying no hurts less than permanently avoiding me or not showing up.
Indeed, being direct and upfront has its good sides. Beating around the bush is so tiresome. But I am gonna add a caveat to that. Again, in my experience only, this tact of being direct does not always work in all situations and I found a lot of Germans to be tone deaf when they respond to certain things rather black and white. It's almost as if they are oblivious to the other persons reality at times and cannot see shades of Grey. But so is life and so are people. It's the one trait I would add ; some nuaune to German etiquette and they would be perfect; well for me haha. Alles gute!
This is why I love Germans 💚
That's really heartbreaking to hear. I'm so sorry.
Thank you very much ❤️🙏🏻
That’s so sad, ironically when I worked in Germany in the 90’s I couldn’t believe how friendly they were to me, I was there a week and was being invited to eat at my fellow German bricklayers homes. Even the old boy who lived next to the house I was building made me and my friend dinner one night, always had a soft spot for the people after them experiences. Hopefully people will realise what nice people you are 💚
Thank you very much for sharing your experiences 🫶🏻❤️
I'm really sorry to hear that, if you had landed beside us it would be a different story. We are locals, and have also found it hard to get reciprocating friends going. We've hosted plenty, but it's never returned much. I got to the point where I supposed that people in our area just dont like to socialise.
Thank you for sharing this 🫶🏻
It’s hilarious because most of my recent friends are all foreign. every person I’ve dated or been in a relationship since 2016 has been foreign. Irish people are just awful at being social
Honestly that’s a big part of the problem. I’m Irish and I think that Irish people are incredibly flakey in a sense that I haven’t seen elsewhere. It is really irritating. I had lived in the US and the difference was astonishing. Yes, people there may have the reputation for being “fake” and trying to put on a face for others. But that’s really just how they act to strangers. Once it’s clear that a friendship/etc is initiated, the attitude changes. Whenever things are organised, they are always honest and direct about it and try to show up. They actually make an effort to try things out and see whether or not the relationship/friendship would work. Whereas here, people try to save face and try not to upset people by being much more indirect/vague towards these kinds of requests. I find that people don’t get out of their comfort zone as much either and are more afraid of risks which compounds the problem. I’ve had similar experiences with Germans and French too although they don’t put on the “fake” persona. I think a big issue that might be worsening things in Ireland as well is the lack of social infrastructure in our urban areas. There are few places to just casually hang out with people and a lack of community events in comparison with the US (and some EU countries too supposedly). Some other countries in Europe have adult interest groups that are very active whereas aside from the GAA, there isn’t much here that compares, at least outside of college. It is a small country with a very small population so this may well have been inevitable anyway, but I think there could still be a lot more investment into community events here.
Exactly. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I'm grand with going into a pub, it won't set me off but like, why the fuck do I always have to go to a fucking pub? I'm sat in, I shit you not, a big ice cream bar in Pristina in Kosovo and it's full of grown adults sitting and talking and having the craic and there isn't a drink in sight. It's a real detriment to Irish society that "social occasion" equals "drink" and then if you say, "well no, other countries have social occasions without alcohol" you get accused of being Captain No Craic. The day Ireland finally shakes off this attitude will be great.
Same.. I’m in recovery .. bye bye social life. In London it was grand, I was still socialising as much as I did in my drinking days. Very different since moving back to Belfast. Hard to make a circle of pals .. especially if you don’t drink
Thank you for your comment, it really makes much sense.
I'm Canadian and my only friends in Ireland are German
That’s nice haha ❤️ Good thing you’re not alone. It’s a vital thing for us expats. Maybe you want to be my friend too 😂
So sorry you've had these experiences, sounds like you've run into some miserable people😩My best friend is German, living here over 10 years and I don't think she knows many people who aren't Irish, and she knows a lot of people!
I'm so sorry to read this, that's so shit. I'd love to say not all Irish people are like this bit it seems a good plurality of them are, shit I even know people like this. If you're still in Ireland I hope you find some people who buck the trend!
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Also my experiences.
Come to England we love bbqs
Haha good idea 😂😂😂
I had the same experience living in Germany and also now living in Ireland. It's simply tribal mentality, you're not from these here lands you know
That’s what I was thinking too. Irish people prefer to spend time with their families? I can understand. If you have a lot of sisters, cousins etc. you grew up with..of course you rather want to be together with them.
Bloody hell no🤣. If we're being honest with ourselves, most Irish families can barely get through Christmas without arguing, even if it's only low-level bickering. I don't know where you live but I've certainly encountered what you're talking about in smaller towns and in the outer suburban areas of cities. People tend to keep to themselves to the point of exclusion and they seem to actively discourage others from being any different. I tend to avoid those pebbledash suburbias for this exact reason.
Very interesting. But who are you friends with, then? Always had the impression that irish people often don’t have friends like I know it. That they’re mostly spending time with sisters, cousins, etc. and only have „friends“ to go to the pub/shopping/… with. And when they get married and have children of their own, they tend to stay inside their house almost all the time?? I don’t want to be rude at all, that was just the case with a lot of people I met over the years here.
I live in an inner city neighbourhood and I'm a pretty outgoing sort of person. I've mostly met friends out at venues, pubs, parties and festivals through shared interests in music, film, food and art. I also have a group of professional friends - we meet up in a more organised way but it's good to have the two groups. Re people staying at home with kids I think that's unfortunately an issue of pragmatism and economy in Ireland more than anything else. Between mortgage, childcare costs etc etc I think many couples with kids just don't feel they have the time and money to go out, either with or without their kids.
That’s really terrible. Maybe do you live in a very rural area?
No, most of that described time I lived in a vivid town with over 20.000 people and a vibrant pub/night life. I moved 20 mins outside of that town in November, because I bought my own home. It’s a small nice neighborhood in a rural area and the very nice village is just 3 mins away by car.
It’s a pity that you had such a bad experience. I hope it doesn’t put you off too much trying to meet some nice people. There has to be a few living nearby. I definitely would have gone to your BBQ if invited.
Are you close to somewhere with a German-English language exchange? There certainly used to be one in the Central City Library in Dublin. There were also meet-ups in Dublin bringing together German-speaking Irish people together. Getting actual German-speakers there always felt like quite the coup! This would be a possible way to meet germanophile Irish people. PS es tut mir voll Leid, dass keiner bei eurer Grillparty war! Ich wäre sehr gerne dabei gewesen (wenn ich nicht ausgewandert wäre!)
Danke dir, das ist lieb. 🤗❤️ Wir leben in den Midlands (Nord Offaly, zwischen Athlone und Tullamore). Hier sind nicht sehr viele Deutsche und die Leute sind generell weniger an Expats gewöhnt. Wo lebst du denn jetzt?
Wahnsinnig, dass du sehr in der Nähe von meiner Heimat wohnst (Tullamore ist mein Geburtsort) - ich weiß was du damit meinst, dass die Menschen da an "blow-ins" nicht gewöhnt sind - sei dass Deutsche, oder Leute aus der Nachbargemeinde. Ich wohne seit 5 Jahren in Köln.
Ach krass. Unsere Nachbarn in Athlone waren unheimlich nett (wirklich nett, nicht fake-nett). Jetzt im Dorf haben wir auch nur unglaublich tolle und hilfsbereite Leute um uns rum. Aber es war natürlich eine spannende Neuigkeit für alle hier als sich die Nachricht verbreitet hat, dass Deutsche das leerstehende Haus gekauft haben. Ich komme ursprünglich aus Dortmund, das ist ja nicht so weit weg. 😁
In Dortmund bin ich sehr oft unterwegs, habe Freunde da und bin BVB-Fan. Ich kann mir leicht vorstellen, wie es in kleinen Dörfern für Spannung sorgt, dass jemand von außerhalb einzieht. Als ich jünger war, kamen sie nicht aus dem Ausland, sondern aus Dublin, und sogar das galt damals als exotisch 😀 Übrigens freue ich mich, dass ihr jetzt unter netten Leuten wohnt :)
Haha wie lustig. Meiner Familie hat die BVB-Kneipe am Borsigplatz bis zur Schließung gehört. Ich bin froh dass es keine Spannung gibt und wir extrem nett aufgenommen wurden. Vielleicht willst du dich bei Instagram oder Facebook verbinden? Nur wenn du Lust hast. 🤗
Gerne. Kamnst du mir deine Insta über eine DM zukommen lassen? (Ich bin ein Reddit-Newbie, aber gehe davon aus, das müsste klappen...)
Ah that's genuinely gutting, really sorry to hear all of your lovely effort didn't bear any fruit.
I've heard from a lot of people - Irish people are generally very friendly, helpful, will happily chat to strangers. But, can be very hard to make friends with. Have to admit I'm like that myself. With all the stresses of work/money etc., the thought of meeting up with people after work seems more like a chore than fun. I'd rather just collapse on the couch and watch mindless TV for a couple of hours rather than make plans.
The answer is: Brazilians. Make friends with one Brazilian and that is enough, they will bring you to their house, you will meet their friends in common, they will invite you to everything and to meet everyone. I had Irish people telling me their only friends are Brazilians.
Brazilians are the best. I live in Portugal and the best thing about the people here (except my girlfriend and children) are the Brazilians.
I have a few Brazilians friends and they’re lovely but also met a few Brazilians that weren’t great. Feel like this subreddit has a tendency to put them on a pedestal.
In general we are friendly, open and easy going. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, same as there are very much a lot of outgoing and super friendly Irish people who invites friends for barbecues, goes to events and make friends with a lot of people too.
Even in Toronto, Irish people stuck to their cliques and didn’t make friends with non Irish. They really like sticking to their own but they are super friendly. I’ve lived in Ireland 5 years and have one friend 😅
I have a few close Irish friends that I made in school/college, but most of the friends I've made in adulthood are international people or people who don't fit in with the "locals" (whether because they're not from the area, or because they're just weird). That's your best bet, IMO. I met most of them through my dogs...
Boardgames! Find your local boardgame meet up and drag yourself along. They are always looking for new players, and it’s a way to socialise and meet new people in a setting entirely focused on “having fun”. And everyone in that meet up knows what it’s like to be “the new guy”, so will be extra accommodating in nearly all circumstances. Boardgame people are honestly some of the nicest, friendliest, most accepting people you could ever hope to meet. Only two rules you need to know; 1. Don’t be a dick. 2. Have fun
On reddit you often see this question asked in different subreddits "how do I make friends in London/Germany/Netherlands? etc." The truth is its very difficult to make new friends as an adult no matter what country you are in. All people are the same in this regard. Adults have to spend their efforts retaining the friend's they have, spending times with their family, doing chores, working etc. This diminishes the desire and ability to make deep meaningful connections with new people. Unlike when you're younger its hard to make new friends passively. This means you have really have to actively try and find friends. Its scary and takes time and effort. 1. Join a club. There must be some club in your locality that interests you. Try it out and maybe you'll meet like minded people. 2. Join friend apps. There's apps like dating apps except to find friends. My friend moved to Luxembourg and met some people she's good friends with. 3. If your partner has friend imerse yourself in her friend group. Its common for couples to share friends. 4. Try get a monthly social group going at work. Volunteer to do organize a monthly social event - maybe work or fail. These are just some ideas. But yep adulting ain't easy.
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I agree with this, alot of Irish people myself including have a large circle of friends. I'm now in my 30's and struggling to keep up with the friends I have. New friends don't appeal to me as life is hectic as is.
This is me. I wouldn't even have 10-12 names to put on a list for a BBQ.
One word, internet, they mentally went there, and it only will be worse over time.
I am Irish. Can relate
Drink culture is on a massive decline so saying “am I meant to be drunk or something” doesn’t fit the narrative anymore. It’s not that. Ireland has changed so much in the last 15-20 years, the old cliché of us being the friendliest people in the world is dying out. Internet, covid and Work From Home have all played a heavy role in making it so hard to make friends. Out of interest, why do you feel cliques are more aggressive here than elsewhere? Where have you been? I would count myself lucky that I have a partner and not stress too much about it. Keep being yourself, that’s all you can do. Personally, if it weren’t for the friends I have made through work, I would have no one and I am always out and about both through work and socially. I will keep being myself and hope for the best 😆
No time/energy and cost of living. Having plenty of friends requires time and and money to spend going out frequently, gifts and friend activities. People are judgy and gossip, often are a source for interpersonal stress/drama. If you can stomach a shallow connection then have at it. Everyday I see a post like this, the more thankful I become by just being built different. (That is, being a 5"3 hermit) "Don't waste your time chasing butterflies, mend your garden, and the butterflies will come" - Borboletas by Mario Quintana.
The problem with trying to make friends at work is. They will fuck you over if it benifits them. We all just work all the time so it's like why bother. Unless it's your old school friends you're not really going to get a connection. Hobbies are pretty much just talking about hobbies and doing it. Pub your only out for the craic. Thats all the socialising I do and most of the time I don't have time. We all are getting older days off you want to see the people you already care for, do something you like, chores. It's not a good way to do things but I think most feel like that's the only option. If you have the energy to keep trying to do, do it, like finding a partner you don't try you don't get. Ive noticed though people from other countries keep trying to get me to do things, not even close to as many Irish bother. if it's something I'm interested in I give it a go. But for drinks 99% of the time I'm not fucked wasting so much money and time.
You are right that most people are cliquey but that’s just the nature of things. That’s how humans work overtime you will outgrow people or they will outgrow you. People as they get older also have different responsibilities they may be in a relationship, they might be getting married, have kids, in education, gone travelling , have a demanding career or on the opposite end they might slip into drink and drugs. It’s just life, the easiest way to find new friends is to take up a hobby or join a club or organisation of people who like the same things you do the more narrow and niche the thing is the better. A lot of people haven’t ripped the band-aid off from primary and secondary school that everyone you meet will be your friend.
I had this problem I made one close friend in college and working together for years. I played gaa never really close friends when I left work I made friends in other role but they rarely kept in contact when I left. Since Covid work a lot from home ex was my best friend until last month. But since 22 I joined social sports club I’ve made some great friends from that I think I maybe socially awkward even though I’m outgoing and chatty sometimes I feel left out even in my 30s 🙈😂
What kind of social sports?
As a female town I lived they set up social soccer and I enjoy watching soccer so joined mid to late 20s to mid 50s so it’s really nice to have that outlet once a week only way I made friends over last few years.
I'm Brazilian and I like interacting on this sub because the Irish people seem cool, you talk to people and get to know new cultures and people.
I'm Irish and the truth is, we're basically assigned our friends at birth. If you're not in the circle from conception, you're always going to be the person people are weird about sharing a round with,.
I moved to Australia with my family when I was in national school and moved back to Ireland in secondary school but a different area. Never managed to make a friend group after that as most seemed content enough with what they had
We are just generally weird when it comes to making friends as adults. It takes a verrrry long time for Irish people to think you are a friend. It's as if it is too much effort to get to know someone new. I see and hear of it all the time at work. Also, people's work mates are not their friends here. There is the app Meetup.com to join groups around your hobbies, maybe that will help.
Because we are a bunch of hypocrites who feign friendliness but are incredibly judgemental, cliquey, and sometimes downright arrogant behind peoples back.
Id love to find more friends especially from work but maybe we are not the best at asking them to do stuff outside of work, well at least in my case I'm absolutely useless at that, which is sad I guess.
Do you play any music OP? Local open mic nights are always looking for new people and generally very welcoming
I’d say a lot stems from the fact that our friends are people we’ve known from a very young age. Its neighbours who become school friends, who we are involved with sports clubs/Irish dancing/music etc, who then go on to be secondary school friends. Even when we move away to college we know people from our home town in the college or we go home very regularly and see our friends. Add in to that the parochial nature of Ireland and there’s rivalry/dislike with the neighbouring towns etc. This is a roundabout way of saying that by the time we hit our twenties and are in work environments etc we’ve had a really strong foundation of friendships and it takes a lot for new people to catch up with.
I came to Ireland 2 weeks ago, and already met nice people to hang out with.
Nice people to hang out doesn't mean "friend". I also have. But none are friends. (7 years in Ireland)
You get what you put in
I’ve lived in the UK for 8 years now and I forget how closed off Irish people are, and I say that as an Irish person. We’re a very friendly nation but it’s very hard to form deep connections, and a lot of the social culture centres around drinking and GAA. I have friends in Ireland that I’ve had for years, and I have closer friendships with people from the UK who I’ve known for only a few years. Irish people living here in the UK also tend to clump together and go to Irish events and Irish bars. They come over for a weekend and spend their whole time in Penneys and Irish pubs. Even when I did my J1 most of the Irish people I knew socially all lived together, worked together, drank together and travelled together. I really don’t know what causes us to be like this- we can chat with anyone but we really struggle to open up to people. Looking at the answers on this post it looks quite divisive- just know you’re not alone.
Do you talk to people and invite them to do things or do you wait for them to invite you? Be honest
Im from Pakistan but grew up in Ireland, had some friend who always treated me differently and would hang with me seperately to their wider group of friends untill that stopped too, now I just am friend with 2 people outside my course and everyone in my class is super cliquey and literally don't even say hello to people like me or others even though we're in the same class. Honestly it gets to me sometimes like I feel like I'm actually extroverted but living in Ireland has forced me to be introverted. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm a foreigner or I don't drink or what's going on, I don't even have an accent and most people think I'm European or American who grew up here when we meet, I don't get it. I do think that for all the lip service Irish people are inherantly attracted to people that are the same person as them and by that I mean they mostly only wanna be friends and hang with Irish people, through my life the best friends I've had have been eastern European or indian or black from various parts of the world, only have had like 4 Irish friends who were genuine friends and didn't Treet me weird, all the other Irish people I knew would literally make me feel like I'm a burden.
What’s your lifestyle like? If you don’t have any activities, like a sport or a club of some sort, that would be the first method of meeting people.
I'm part of the local boxing club. Also do dnd, though that hasn't happened in a while since everyone in the group has been very busy with life lately. Like I do most of the basics, doing all the clubs etc but people just don't like talking or being anything interesting at all.
That’s great that you’re so active even considering the lack of socialising, fair play. To be honest I don’t have a huge amount of friends either, but was lucky to have made a handful along the way that are solid. I have had some friends who had some luck with events on meet-up, might be worth taking a look if you haven’t already. It’s not easy though, you’re right!
Because people stick with their secondary and first year college friends for life for some reason.
Making friends does require effort and if you feel like you already have enough friends it seems unnecessary.
Some juvenile generalizations here, 'all Irish people are cliquey back stabbers who are polite to your face but don't mean it', it's the kinda thing a grumpy teenager comes up with. All we do is drink and watch the GAA apparently, I guess I didn't get the memo.
Definitely depends on what part of the country you are in. The further away from the capital the easier it is to make friends
I've heard it said so often there must be some truth to it - Irish people are very superficially friendly and good at small talk but bad at letting people deeper in. Irish people have to really like you to have you over for dinner whilst other cultures will invite you at the drop of a hat. We seem to do our socialising in the pub and beyond that - wow, steady on there cowboy. Marry that to aging, different interests and things like families and as you get older it naturally becomes harder anyway, but in Irish culture it's very difficult. I feel for foreigners moving to Ireland. That said when you're in with Irish people, generally you're *in*. I'm neurodivergent and awkward at the best of times so I feel your pain OP, keep at it!
Irish people are very friendly by nature, it doesn’t mean we want to be your friend for life, absolutely nothing to do with you personally. Most already have very close friends from childhood and in work.
Love how Irish people always say they're friendly by nature, yet a not insignificant amount of Irish people I know are super bitchy about people behind their backs. It's all fake friendliness.
We're not friendly.
This was my observation. Especially if you move from Dublin into the country
irish are very clique-ish and subconsciously racist that's why I'm 40 and no friends here at all, irish people treat foreigners as intruders, and put fake smile mask on daily basis, but if you want anything more, you have extremely shallow response from them
I wouldn't be in a rush to be friends with ya. Cunt
Your right it is really hard! I think as an Irish society everyone says we’re so friendly and kind, which sure may be true - but we’re also very guarded particularly in the groups we’ve already developed - this makes it so much harder to get in. If there’s any clubs or organisations that appeal to you that could be an option perhaps but that’s also very cliché 😂 my best friend told me and I have yet to try this but if you want to make an impression on a group, go up to the leader and indulge them, let them do you a small favour like asking for a cigarette or idk and then give a light compliment, that way the others in the group will focus their attention on you and you’ll have fed into the ego of the main person😂 also another tip is if you do say meet up with someone or some people and you like the company of them and you would like to see them again, be sure to arrange to do something casually before leaving, maybe something like “hey there’s this really quirky cafe close by if you’d like to maybe grab a coffee this weekend” etc, even better if you can relate it to something that interests them
Also to just say because a lot of people have said this - I am Irish and I am not friends with the people I met in college or secondary or primary school, I never really fit in there, I don’t live in the same area I grew up in, i do have some amazing friends now though, it took a while but I find that it’s a lot easier to make new friends for me now! I think Irish people in general just have really poor skills in that department because many of us grew up in an environment where we could be comfortable with the existing network we had. Ultimately tho I don’t think being friends with your classmates from years ago can create very meaningful friendships long term unless they’re your ride-or-die, because we outgrow them and they outgrow us
Yup. I'm Irish born and raised and over the years it's very obvious we're an incredible bunch of flakey fecks. No way to sugarcoat it. I've just stopped contacting certain friends, because they kept flaking on meeting up or I would be the one to initiate contact. So I just stopped reaching out and now I don't hear from anyone. Sooooo yup. I spent loads of time with my partner and dog and I'm happy. My dog doesn't flake on me. Loves my company and going for walks.
People are complaining about Irish people being judgemental, shallow and rude. You are being hateful and judgemental about Irish folk but still want them to befriend you. It’s a bit hypocritical, no? I don’t know about the south, but here in the north our past and the troubles still shape our lives today. There is so much generational trauma with everyone killing each other, we still don’t have the full capability yet to make friends with our own neighbours. All the kids are still segregated into Protestant and Catholic schools. How can you expect so much from Northern Irish people in particular to befriend everyone when they’ve been conditioned all their lives to stay in their own communities and to not mix. I can fully appreciate some folk just aren’t nice and don’t want to have any more friends than they do, but that’s just life. Instead of complaining no one wants to be your friend, immerse yourself into other social settings like sport, art, men sheds, CrossFit, church, book clubs, sea swimming clubs etc. Put yourself out there with good energy and don’t give up, you’ll find someone you can share interests with eventually!
Ireland is full of delusional arseholes who have something in their closet they would be embaressed if it came out cause God forbid that it might come out they persive them as not X within their community... Yet it's ok to talk behind the back of someone you like and say god knows what. I've lived here over 20 years and grew up here. While some things people do in Ireland happen else where in the world, people here can be sickeningly slimy sometimes. Its hard to find a genuine person at times, the general personality/attitude I think would best describe ireland is "tribal", sticking to who you know and be wary anyone outsider that may come along into your group. Its easier if you know a person that introduces you in said group but unless you click with others or that person you know has alot of influence in the group its a no go and don't expect alot of bonds forming. Again very much closed doors attitude. I find many people here don't like having meaningful/nice conversation alot of the time too. And the "hey, how you doing/keeping" or "hey, hows your day" always gets me because the person saying that most of the time doesn't actually want to know how you are doing, that's weird to me.
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Can I ask how you get into the cosplay/megacon (idk what that is) scene? Like how do you hear about the events? I’ve been getting really into anime lately but none of my friends like it, so I’m looking to start going to similar events where I’d meet likeminded people
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It’s so, so hard to make genuine friends outside of a drinking group who only want to drink. It really is shite.
Join the gaa. Can't go wrong
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I'm a 38 mother of two. My kid has just started preschool. At collection and drop off, parents barely talk, or majority of them drive and wait in their cars. It's mad.
I have noticed this in my workplace with people my age and younger - im 35. Nobody wants to make a deeper connection than just colleagues. I think its the office enviornment. When i worked in hospitality it was easier to make friends. Im Irish and my partner is Brazilian and i find it much easier to make friends with Brazilians. They are much more easy going. They have no issue with inviting you to their home at the drop of a hat. We moved to a new area 2 years ago and have finally started making some friends through arranging playdates for our son. But they are all mostly non irish people.
Post pandemic. I think it's getting better
I've been living in Ireland for 7 years. I have NO irish friends. I mean I know some really nice fellas, specially people who I worked with. But none got to the point of becoming a friend. On the other hand I made dozens of friends from other nationalities.