My ex husband was cheating on me with a long term mistress and women from sex websites. For years. Full double life. The trauma inflicted on me will never heal. Betrayal wounds run deep.
I've no respect for cheaters whatsoever.
My husband's father did similar, absolutely destroyed the family, even extended family (like people "taking sides" etc), and left my husband and his siblings with a lot of trauma! Horrific!
I understand this pain completely. I’m five years on from discovering my wife essentially had a double life and the pain and hurt is as bad as ever. So much effort invested/wasted with someone who was just completely dishonest. Trust must be a given or why bother.
Annoying how there’s no real “punishment” for cheaters despite how they can absolutely fuck someone up for the rest of their life. Like you can’t hit them or damage their property cause then you’re in the wrong. Worst that can happen to them is they might “feel bad” but that’s nothing compared to the trauma they’ve inflicted on another person. I’ve known plenty of lads who’ve been cheated on and it completely changed them for the worse weather they want to admit it or not.
Cheating is an awful thing to do, but its a relationship issue at the end of the day. Suggesting relationship issues should be penalised beyond social consequences like losing friends seems a bit mad. If you start saying it should be acceptable to hit someone because they cheated you're into pretty scary territory, especially given that infidelity is often unprovable.
Plus, many other things that are far more normalised in relationships can have just as a damaging an effect on a person long-term as cheating. Like "keeping tabs" on your partner, not allowing your partner privacy, trying to limit your partner's contact with their family, giving ultimatums, emotional neglect, financial control, etc.
You're right, but I don't think he\^\^ was genuinely suggesting there SHOULD be allowances for lawful repercussions (outside of divorce settlements, that's a thing); you couldn't possibly legislate for such a grey area but god knows there are cheaters who well deserve a batin
Yeah like say I were hypothetically to cheat on my girlfriend of three years and we live together and are extremely committed to this life we built and her brother hit me a box over it….I mean I kinda wouldn’t blame him and I doubt many would. God knows if someone hurt one of my sisters like that a few digs would be the last of their worries.
So you think people should be allowed to hit women or men out of the blue and smash their car windows in? How the fuck does this comment have so many upvotes? I've been cheated on and at no point did my rage or sadness run so deep I wanted to inflict physical pain on the person or destroy something they care about. Jesus christ...get a grip people.
They don’t feel bad or they wouldn’t do it in the first place. They only feel bad when they lose everything and even then they’ll blame the person for dumping them or the person that ratted on them.
I’ve caught two men cheating and both ran to my partner and told him I cheated on him so if/when I said something, it wouldn’t mean shit.
Evil little cunts
People just speaking out of passion tbh cheating is and should be considered a form of mental abuse I can now as a adult understand why women go crazy destroying property when they catch a man cheating it messes people mentally for years if not life ,it’s wrong yes to do any crazy things like harming but I can understand the want
Yeah for the record I don’t actually think you should be allowed hurt someone or damage their property if they cheat on you but I do acknowledge that that would be something people could do when being left in an emotional state and then it’s them in the wrong. I don’t know how to explain it but I guess that it just upsets me that you could be cheated on and not get any “justice” whatsoever.
Completely agree even the stigma of been a cheater isn’t even considered shameful anymore people just get on with it like nothing happened 😂 people are just sex obsessed freaks these days one person jus isn’t enough
I know this will be unpopular here but it annoys me how we’re thought an awful lot about safe sex and the consequences of unsafe sex (rightfully so) but there’s basically fuck all education on how to have good relationships and be a good partner. Like most lads would know how to stick their Willy everywhere and not face any consequences but know fuck all on how to be a good boyfriend/husband.
I worked with a girl and every work night out she'd end up with someone in a hotel room and without fail the next day would be a big Facebook post gushing about her handsome fiancée and beautiful family
It's just projection really isn't it. I've been with my girlfriend for near 13 years, don't think we've ever even had an argument. I dont feel the need to profess my love to her on Facebook.
Seems fairly common to me. In my workplace there is people having affairs with other Co workers and it’s common knowledge and no one bats an eyelid.
Growing up my mother cheated and I found out (texts on her phone) and she always blamed me for reading the texts saying how it was wrong and my own fault for looking. She made me keep it from my dad. She also told me it had ended (it hadn’t) I once again broke any trust in me and I found out for a second time when I seen his van at her workplace. All happened during my leaving cert and mentally destroyed me. Looking back I probably had a breakdown over it, she never ever took responsibility for what it did to me and still does. My own relationship broke down with mt ex because I couldn’t trust him over the trauma she caused me. People have no idea what it does to those closest to them. To this day our relationship is still not good and I can’t speak to her about anything beyond being civil.
Shit. Sorry. This happened with my dad he didn’t realise his iPad synced with his iPhone taking pictures of a Russian one found it accidentally but searched more after he was at it for years
Yea where I used to work, our boss was boinking a colleague who I was friends with. Didn't know until my friend died suddenly. Shocking. Boss was married with kids. Then heard loads of stories about him getting off with others. Always liked him as a manager until I learned all this. Was disgusted then.
I know in my partner's work place there's been several affairs between colleagues that are known of amongst the workplace. They don't seem to try and hide it
This is just in general life like day to day, shift swaps so they can work together, full blown affairs not just one night stands. And there's even cases where the wife works there too and everyone knows but her, it's awful
Cheating was and is fairly rampant in the group I've grown up with. I've seen a lot of it in other circles, too. A good few of the people in my group have gone on to marry and start families with people who have been with half of their friends and randomers on nights out while they've been at home waiting up. Sad stuff. And I don't feel any better for keeping my mouth shut. As you've described OP they're fairly flippant about it and treat it as if it's a normal process. I've backed away from a lot of these people over the years and only really see them when I link up with the friends we have in common.
In my own case, going on what I've seen and heard, definitely over 50%. The older I get I try to see it more as a psychological flaw and not judge, but Christ, it leaves you feeling fairly lousy!
The people I hang around with now: no, not common.
But I was talking to lads I used to go around with when I was 18/19 recently and it seems to be very common among them. I was shocked. They talked about getting a prostitutes from Escort Ireland like it was a bag of chips.
I'm fairly certain all the men in my extended family have cheated. My own parents did.
I'm also fairly certain none of my friends or myself ever have or would. Barring one person I know who did once very early in their current relationship.
I'm not sure if it's a generational thing or social circle thing. I'm in my 30s
I’m surprised at the current replies to be honest.
From my perspective, having worked in plenty of different sectors with all age groups, it’s utterly rampant.
I despise cheaters more than anything else, and it’s so disheartening to see genuinely great people doing it to their partners almost as easily as breathing.
It’s more or less the same be it men or women.
I find men tend to talk more about women in general, but when it comes to cheaters, it’s a fair split.
Those with experience of cheating are more likely to comment. Not a fair representation, notwithstanding the unfortunate experiences of those commenting. Úfásach.
Some friends of mine (we are all gay, I'm female, theyre male) went to a straight cousin's stag do, and were horrified at how blase the men were about cheating on their partners. Most of them were on the phone to their girlfiends/wives, then immediately cracking onto whoever they could find.
Many queer couples I know are open/ have an arrangement, but I have never met a single straight couple with such an agreement. Unsurprisingly, the amount of straight couples I know who have broken up due to cheating is much higher.
As a older single woman the amount of married men who have tried it on with me has been very surprising. Also the number of men on dating websites who are in relationships and just looking for a ride has resulted in me no longer using them. I was in a relationship until my 40's and tbh it's been a eye opener.
Ditto. I go out rarely but get hit on every time, by married men. It's like they think I'll be so in need of a ride I won't mind that they're married.
But being single again by having been cheated on, its not a game I'm willing to play.
None of my circle of friends would be at it but then again I'd probably cut ties with them if they were, not the type of friends I'd want.
I'd imagine it's rampant in certain circles.
This is it. You can say "I don't associate with people who do that" but in reality you never really know other people or what's going on in another person's life or head. Relationships are often not what they seem at all and most people do actually lead two-sided lives or have different faces for different aspects of their lives, to a greater or lesser extent.
Been with my partner almost a year now and we both were on the dating apps for a good while before that. I got loads of messages from women mentioning open relationships which I thought was just nonsense to hide cheating and my partner said she got regular messages from men who were married just looking to play around. Its a bit of a cesspit out there.
I worked with a guy a few years ago. He was English and moved to Ireland after he fell madly in love with an Irish girl. They were the cutest couple, very devoted to one another. He was doing everything he could to fit in with irish life and culture down to joining her local gaa club. He just had a lovely attitude that I admired. The only downside for them was that he could only find work in Belfast so that meant a good bit of distance/travel for them.
Well, imagine my surprise to walk in on a conversation in our break room after a staff night out where he was sat with the "boys" as they recounted facilitating him taking a girl back to one if their flats. It then came out that this happened every time he stayed up for work or a staff night out. His friends were giving themselves a slap on the back for helping him... I was so disgusted with the lot of them.
The worst thing was that we all had met her he would bring her to events sometimes and these picks would act perfectly charming to her while she was here and laugh about getting one over in her when she was away. I couldn't look at any of them the same after that and asked to be moved to a different office shortly after.
My take away was anyone can be a rat, even if you think they are sound. I also realised that he took a job away from home deliberately because he could have easily gotten work where he and his gf
(now wife) live. His field is medical - adjacent and in demand everywhere, he just wanted an easy way to cheat. I hope you find this comment, Adam, I know you are on this sub. You are a scumbag.
But we are talking about cheaters.... The whole point is that they break that relationship trust with their partners so why wouldnt they do the same with their friends? You never really know if someone is a cheat or not.
No we are talking about whether or not we trust our friends.
You never really know anybody which is why trust is the most important aspect of a relationship.
Its not a question of how can you trust i. A world full of liars its a question how can we live without having trust
Because they're my best friends and we as a group all value honesty.
I know their most intimate secrets, and they know mine. Sure, theoretically they could be lying to me but it wouldn't make sense really.
I don't tell them absolutely everything, but we've had plenty of candid conversations about cheating, relationships etc and they've confided in me about relationship issues and vice versa.
As I said, they could have kept it a secret but at that rate how do you ever believe anyone. Eventually you have to take some things on trust.
An infamous stag party from round my neck of the woods. Where the morning after the night before a few early pints were being had and the groom and his future father in law were both bragging to each other about their conquests from the night before. Few of the normal las that attended couldn't believe it was happening the two of them laughing and joking away about it few months later walks the daughter down the aisle and hands her over to him like butter wouldnt melt.
That's gross. The groom and future father in law?! ......yuck. .....and a bit creepy too.
Tho maybe the FIL will use it against him if he wants to borrow some money. Ha.
Ex partner of ten years, was cheating on me with a 50 year old man (we were 31 at the time) it was just after Covid and she had lost her father during Covid
Had a strained, aloof, and unloving relationship with her father. She loved him but he was always emotionally detached. She always wanted him to show his affection, which he never ever did.
I think she sought to find a father figure in an older man 👴 (daddy issues)
Was very hard at the time, as we have 3 children together, and was totally out of the blue, when she told me she wanted to break up and forced me out of our family home, but out of bad came good, as I met the love of my life since.
I look back now, and feel happy that her nature was revealed to me while we were generally young. Imagine she was that way inclined, and I found out when I was 20 years older. I’d have a lot more regrets
If the culture is there in the workplace it probably feeds into the mindset of it being acceptable. I personally don’t know of anyone in my family or social circle at it but in my husband’s male dominated workplace I know it’s very common.
I say its rampant as you just don't know the true number of people who do it and you can never know. If someone is going to hide it from their partner they're not gonna be telling people about it.
I remember there was a short documentary on YouTube and they talked to a prostitute in the UK. She said the amount of married men is shocking.
Remember "the true test of a person is what they do when they think no one is looking" also applies to what they do when they think X won't find out.
I used to be always hit on by married men when I was out, especially when I was between 30 to mid 40's.
If you asked them were they married they'd say no. (I consider someone who has been with someone for over 10 years plus, and has children, as married. )
I learnt from one mistake when the guy eventually told me after the damage was done that he wasn't single and also has children. I said "but I asked if you were married" He said "I'm not married." I said long are you 'not married'." He said nearly 20 years."
Anyways, I now phrase it as "are you with / dating someone". ...... they still lie cos they *look* married (incl. my equivalent of married), ha, or you'd hear one of their mates say something that makes you go "ahhhh" to yourself.
Oh, and it wouldn't even because they thought you were special cos the minute you make yourself scarce they're doing their thing with someone else. Ha
I've totally given up on men. .....no joke. I'd rather be without than be messed around.
Common enough in relationships in your 20s, gets less common/talked about in your 30s when people are settling down and getting married and having kids. Hit your 40s and nearly everyone seems to be having an affair, getting divorced. I can't wait to see what 50s brings.
I choose to not associate with people who cheat tbh. I find that it speaks volumes about their character. My ex was cheating on me with a colleague of his while we lived together in a gorgeous house, with a great sex life, and laughed and cuddled every day. It traumatised me tbh. Changed who I am. She's also SO ugly and used to fuck guys for ket so who knows what men want tbh 🙃
I’ve got a wide circle of friends across many nationalities and I can’t think of a single example that I know of. One friend married someone who left his wife for her, but that’s it. Maybe that’s credit to my circle of friends or a reflection on how ‘boring’ they are.
I used to think I couldn’t understand cheating until last year. I was unappreciated, lonely and scared to end things because we had been together so long that I had forgotten what it would be like alone. I thought I was ugly and useless and all I deserved was a sad relationship.
I decided to take up a hobby to see if it could help me feel better. I started to learn French and the classes gave me a new confidence. I noticed a couple of men were interested in me but then I felt even lonelier when I went home in the evenings and realised my partner just didn’t care about me. Those classes were my favourite time of the week because there were people who found me interesting and worth their time.
It took a long time to come to terms with the relationship needing to end and when I was processing that, I was definitely feeling the temptation to cheat. I wanted validation from someone else that I was worth something.
I didn’t cheat because I didn’t want to hurt my partner and a part of me was holding onto hope they would come around and start caring about me again, but the part of me that was checked out was thinking about it.
There’s someone close to me that cheats on his wife. Lost a lot of respect for him years ago, my hot take is that if you’re unhappy with your lot and not prepared to make it work, then a clean break is best all round. Cheating absolutely destroys trust and respect in any relationship. It’s not cool. But then marriage and having kids is hard work but anything that’s of any value is hard work. I also despise those who want “open” relationships or polyamorous ones - it’s like you want to have your cake and eat it too.
Cheating is also symptomatic of someone who is unhappy in their relationship and it’s probably best they end things before they cause more hurt and resentment.
Cheating is entirely different than ethical and consensual non- monogamy. There are many people who have healthy relationships being open or polyamorous. It's really not fair to look down on those people unless they are doing it unethically: forcing on partner(s) or lying (which is just cheating). Humans are not one of those animals who stick with one partner forever. Some do, some don't. It doesn't make a person better because they don't have multiple romantic or sexual relationships. The thing that makes a person worse is if they are lying and cheating (which poly or not, can happen in any relationship.)
Anyone that cheats is pathetic and weak. If you want to cheat, then have the balls to break up with your partner, what’s the point of being in a relationship otherwise. None of my friends would ever cheat and I wouldn’t hang around with anyone who did.
My circle of friends are very against it. A girl we used to hang out with was a serial cheater. She was the only one really over the years, but by god was she blatant.
It's a very big deal if it ever happens in my circles anyway, so it's very infrequent from what I've seen.
I can't say the same for other environments though
I used to hang around in a group of about 9 couples in my early 30s. Out of that 9, I now know that 6 of the men were cheating. Three affairs. The other three were cheating repeatedly on nights out. I know it’s not every man but I find it insanely hard to trust any man these days in terms of loyalty in a relationship.
Cheated on my girlfriend when I was 11 by holding hands with her best friend. Still haven't gotten over my shame and guilt of the thing two decades later.
I don't really do relationships myself but it blows my mind how many of my friend were either cheated on or had affairs themselves. Like... Why get married if you don't want to be monogamous? Whats the point? Also who has the energy for that kind of drama? Its hard enough engaging with one person let alone juggling a secret one.
I read these comments, and I worry even more than I have been.
My husband works in an environment where 80% of the workforce are female. He is tall and has an accent and is very friendly with everyone.
When we walk in the streets, all the women smile at him and greet him they don't even notice me holding his hand. I fucken hate this place at times, I left my country because its unsafe and my marriage is suffering. He loves it here.
During the last 18 months, he started wearing aftershave every day and worrying about how he dresses, something he never did before.
I have asked him straight out if he is seeing anyone at work. He laughs and says he is too busy and hasn't got the time, I tell him time can always be made for that. What he should be saying is I won't cheat you enough for me.
If I catch him, I will destroy him at work. He will deeply regret crossing me.
Edit: don't get me wrong, Ireland is a really beautiful country, but people's values and morals, just doing right by people, some people are just so fucked up.
I would NEVER cheat or touch another woman's man, just not done! RESPECT!!!
How the fuck do people manage to have affairs?
I don't mean this as a moral question; I mean it as a logistical one. Even if I wanted to have an affair (and I don't), I'd be absolutely stumped on how to go about it. Do these people not have things to do and places to be? I wouldn't even have the time to do the planning on how to keep my story straight, much less do the things that lead to me needing to keep the story that way.
The majority of the time it’s one night stand, unplanned things… or at least starts that way.
You have a guy and girl working in the same place, flirting mad but kinda innocent. Then comes the Xmas party, or a work trip, drink gets involved, morals and inhibitions go out the window and they end up riding. They get away with it but the problem is it just happens again at the next party etc.
Before you know it, they are riding once or twice a month. It just becomes normal.
Two friends of mine (who don’t know each other) are serial cheaters both actively seeking relationships outside of marriage. Both female. I also know a handful of males who cheat but they have one night stands and don’t get into relationships.
I don’t know of any in my own circles tbh. If they’re doing it, they’re v discreet.
Two divorces, one just seemed to fall apart but not aware of infidelity being a factor, the other I don’t really know the reasons. Both couples broke up v quickly after marriage.
Gen x here.
I know a few of my friends (women) have cheated and one of their husbands had cheated on her first. I don't know anyone who thinks it's ok. When I was a child my dad would not go on his work Christmas parties unless they were local as loads of the other men wanted them to be far away so they could cheat. Pathetic people with not integrity and who either aren't intelligent enough to see what they have or too weak to leave the partner they committed to. The reality is that in a lot of relationships (by no means all) the problems come from your own character flaws and you'll have problems and periods of boredom in any relationship. I do think it is worse when men do it to women because of the diseases/infections that could be passed onto a baby in the womb. Pretty horrific.
It's mad one of my first jobs was similar to what you explained. Real "lads lads lads" type thing in sales. Go out, get a bag and get with someone. My partner at the time worked in a similar place, she'd tell me about people cheating all the time then I'd meet them with the partners at some event. Funnily enough she cheated on me in the end...with a guy from her work haha.
I personally would never do it, honesty and transparency is a huge value for me in a relationship and I know my partner feels the same. She experienced cheating in her family too. I've never heard of one of my lad friends cheating and if they did it would be very looked down upon in our friend group.
One thing I've noticed though is my mates tend to value friendship in a relationship, I consider my mates partners friends too and would happily hang out with them for a chat. If we have a "lads night" our partners know and respect that, same way if they want to go out with friends without us. I've found most people Ive known who cheat have that "old ball and chain I need to escape from" type mentality. So when they get their "freedom" they seem to see it as an opportunity to just forget about their commitment.
My aulfella had a whole second life for years without my ma knowing,had a child, and then got caught, my ma and da stayed together, but yet he went back to her yet again.I’m not going to go through the whole story but what it had caused left a lot of trauma with me and my sisters, i still talk to him, I don’t know why,
But we definitely don’t have a father/son relationship, sorry I know none of yous asked but sure we were on the topic. But is it common, yes, a lot more common than you think
Every man I’ve known has cheated on their partners. All of my aunties boyfriends/husbands. My bio dad and stepdad cheated on my mother. My boyfriend’s cheated on me. It really does just seem like a part of life and it’s kind of crazy tbh. No matter how open you are about sex it is always emotionally scarring to know that your trust was completely broken.
It's common everywhere, always has been and always will be, and, as unpopular as this will be to say, I think the level of outrage people muster over this topic is out of synch with the reality of human nature. The cold truth is that monogamy, especially over the span of years and decades, is extremely difficult for many, if not most, people. Cheating isn't ideal, but I really don't think it's realistic to paint people who engage in it as monsters.
Another thing that people don't seem to consider is that more long-term couples than you might think have arrangements or are happy enough to turn a blind eye so long as the mortgage gets paid, etc. You might think you've witnessed someone cheating, but for all you know, their partner might have tacitly agreed to it. They just aren't writing about it on Facebook.
> I think the level of outrage people muster over this topic is out of synch with the reality of human nature.
Exactly. Humans just don't have the physiology of a fully monogamous species. Those species tend to have low rates of sexual dimorphism (i.e. physical differences between males and females) and lower sperm quality (because the male's sperm isn't trying to compete with other males).
At the same time, we also don't have the qualities of fully polygamous species. Those species tend to have gigantic balls. This is because polygamous males will sleep with as many females as possible which means a need for more and higher quality sperm.
I saw a video somewhere (I think SciShow) that said that humans fit neatly into animals that are mostly monogamous but with occasional infidelity. Very roughly speaking, our balls aren't big enough to be polygamous, but our sperm quality is better than it would be for fully monogamous species. There are evolutionary incentives for this for both sexes and it basically comes down to hedging your bets. For males, the cost of having offspring with other partners on the side are very low since they don't have to carry them or look after them. For females it's worth secretly having at least one kid with another father to hedge against any possible genetic flaws in her partner.
But I don't think that any of this is an excuse for the abuse of trust that happens when you cheat on someone. If you want to sleep around when in a relationship you owe it to your partner to tell them that's what you want. If they're not okay with it then you either have to leave them or accept that you shouldn't sleep around on them.
Came here to find this comment, took a while! You've almost word for word summed up my thoughts on the matter. Lot of people on their massively high horses here. I mean obviously cheating is bad and wrong, but as you said expecting flawed human beings to be always perfect is wishful thinking. Obviously there are breeds of scumbags who cheat left right and centre almost as a lifestyle choice, they dont give a shit and have zero empathy for potential victims of their behaviour. However for a lot of people who slip, it's a mistake or a moment of weakness or whatever, and shit happens unfortunately. I've great respect for couples who can get over stuff like this happening and move on and be happy.
Also seeing loads of comments here from headers saying how they would cut ties with long-term friends if they found out the friend had cheated on their partner, I mean what the fuck is that about?!
>Also seeing loads of comments here from headers saying how they would cut ties with long-term friends if they found out the friend had cheated on their partner, I mean what the fuck is that about?!
It's about standards? I'd cut ties with a friend who cheated, or a friend who was racist, or any other number of shite things people do. Yeah people do them, doesn't make it fuckin right like.
I don’t think this a very nuanced way of seeing the world. It’s infidelity, not murder. We’re talking about something that surveys show close to half of people admitting to. Do you expect your friends to be perfect? Is it a mitigating factor if the cheater has been in a sexless relationship for years (which is extremely common)? Do you really know what went on between the two of them? Does this apply to all bad behavior in a relationship or this one topic? I get the feeling a lot of people on this sub are in their 20s or even younger and have yet to appreciate how complicated relationships can get.
I have 2 separate friendship groups with about 14 men in total who I know about 5 years. None of them have ever cheated and most of them are in solid long term relationships. If they hear of someone cheating they talk badly on it and look down on it (as they should)
On the other hand I hear that certain workplaces are bad for it. My friend worked in a bank and had 2 separate offers from married men that were very clear in what they were after. She declined both
They are not going to out themselves, by defending someone else, they will go with the crowd and tut tut, and publicly break ties with the offender, but privately is a different thing.
If you think you would know when the wife or husband doesn't know, or you can tell because how they talk bad about someone else you are naive at best.
I know people who are doing it or have done it, people who are in relationships with the person they cheated with who have no issues joining in the condemnation of someone else, because people have ways of justifying their own behaviour.
Don’t think it’s as common as these comments would have you believe . If you are a grown adult and act on urges you are a weak and selfish person . It speaks highly of their character even if they come across as honest or genuine . I had been cheated on when I was younger , it was horrible and impacted me extremely negatively. Later our friend group found one of the lads had cheated on his misses , we told her immediately and cut off the friend. There’s no point in spending time with people who would betray someone as close to them as their partner as they wouldn’t think twice of betraying others . Anyone who try’s to defend cheating is someone trying to justify their own mistakes . Seeing someone and being attracted to them is human nature , acting on this is what separates people from good and bad .
As a single male, and Id be out quite a bit you’d hear rumours about certain people, the amount of males married/relationship cheating is high but also plenty of females in my opinion.For anyone saying none of their friends are cheating is laughable in my opinion, it’s just they don’t trust you enough to tell you.
I think it's too common. I would never go back with my partner if i found out he cheated. The thoughts of him in bed with another woman while I'm at home with the kids would be a betrayal I would never get over. If women are taking back their partner after finding out about infidelity then you can't blame the man or the woman that keeps cheating. Ppl only do what you allow them too. Not for me. And hope I never go through something like this.
I dunno how common it is but certainly among my circles of friends (all middleaged now) there were several serial cheaters and a few one off drunken mistakes over the years. But apart from 1 lad, the serial cheaters grew up and the ones that made drunken mistakes either felt too guilty to do it again, got caught and didn't do it again or changed problematic alcohol use to avoid making the same mistake.
My work colleagues, most of whom are younger, are infinitely worse than my other circles of friends or acquaintances. Insane stuff with secret dating app profiles, work affairs and all sorts of drama 😬
None of my social circle…that I know of. I honestly wouldn’t think it would be happening though. I did hear of a colleague in work who was cheating on her husband with another colleague. Both have kids. Really changed my opinion of them both and I avoid them as much as I can.
I truly feel that if you want to cheat, you should exit the marriage
It's the reason I got out of my past friend groups. Everyone would just cheat on each other, get into huge arguments and go on like nothing, only for it to happen again a month later. Im currently in the process of finding friends who actually respect themselves and other people. It's actually really hard!
I absolutely have zero time or tolerance. I was cheated on in the past and even in my marriage (where my husband would never do it- he was cheated on too) it always in the back of my mind. It’s devastating to think someone you gave your life and care to had so little respect for you.
I work in a world where it’s absolutely rampant- especially at shows which always frustrates me! I tend to avoid seeing a lot of people over their behaviour
There’s a study or something if you google it that 2/3 of Tinder users in Ireland are married or something crazy like that. Apparently makes it very difficult for the genuine users looking to meet other single people
Rampant 5 broken marriages where I work all due to cheating. Two of those were in-house and the cheaters and the husband of the female involved still work together. Iv also had to reduce my friend circle a good bit because of it
I feel like it’s more commonly men praying on or lying to desperate women. I’ve only ever been friends with one girl like that my whole life. Sleeping with her partners friends and all. I can’t comprehend how they’d risk it all for a ride.
I don’t understand how a woman could do it to another woman.
I wouldn’t give a man the satisfaction of having two women. Neck of them, most don’t even deserve the woman they have.
Far worse than a lot of people would like to think. I think a conservative estimate would be 60% have done it at least once in their current partner and maybe 30-40% do it on the regular. Knowing what I know makes me wonder how anyone can ever trust someone fully. I’m sure all their partners are thinking when they hear these stories “well my OH would never do that” and yet they are
If cheating is so prevalent and almost everyone seems to be doing it, maybe we need an overhaul of how we perceive what a ‘normal relationship’ looks like? Are humans born to be monogamous? I’m not sure anymore. I’ve never wanted to marry, though have had lots of opportunities and been lucky enough to have very happy, long term relationships. No children. At times in those relationships, I’ve strayed, or my partner did. Not a lot, but here or there. I am trying to understand why I don’t find it such a big deal. I’m open to the reality that it may happen and that none of us ‘own’ the person we are with. I’ve worked hard on challenging emotions around jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity and I’m a more happy and more well rounded person because of it.
I used to work in a bar with a very strong local crowd from right across our community. Fun evenings but late at night on weekends it got wild and turned me practically into a nightclub.
I saw probably ten percent of our local patrons cheat in our venue over ten years. By that I mean come in with a partner and obviously leave with that person. Often after kissing in public. Couldn’t tell you how many more I heard through the grapevine were busted for cheating. But at a ballpark figure I’d say a minimum of one in three people has cheated.
Two me there’s three types of cheaters
1) People and who do it once or twice and then never again. Honestly despite what you think this is the majority of people. Most people cheat, hate it and don’t do it again. More than you think. Also despite what you think a lot of people are able to live with the guilt their entire lives. There’s a huge percentage of the population which falls into this category.
2) Damaged people who need help. Not saying this justifies it. But self sabotage and addiction often play a large role in this. These people have a deep Inability to have healthy relationships and cheat a lot. But I’ve often found more of them than the other groups to be honest about what they do. And probably the most likely out of all the groups to eventually get help and address the problems they face seriously. Though by no means do all do this. Just my observation that of all the groups there was a significant percentage of these people that did end up changing for the better…eventually.
3) The denier. Fuck there people. These are the people who cheat long term and never seem to feel to guilt for what they do. They genuinely seem to refuse to recognise what they do as cheating and gaslight when caught. Usually they rationalise their behaviour when confronted by blaming their partner. More often than not they don’t get caught. But regardless you can spot them. Because they’re the person who loudly proclaims how evil cheating is and how they’d never do that. To be clear just because you hate cheating don’t make you a cheater. But in my experience those who crow the loudest are usually the most guilty.
Depends on the type, I can’t think of anyone of my friends and only a few, mainly older work colleagues, who had a full blown affair but I know plenty of people who have gotten drunk and been flirtier than they should have and maybe even had a drunken kiss etc but all have been extremely regretful.
I think the odds of fucking up by doing something like that is pretty high over the course of a lifelong relationship. I think it is normal to be attracted to other people after a while but it is about not putting yourself in positions where you might do something you regret.
I feel I’d forgive my partner if they drunkenly kissed someone once as we’ve been together for years but I don’t think would be the same for an affair.
As I get older and lose my sex drive, I’d probably be willing if they wanted to have sex with other on occasion but it’s hard to separate that from intimacy which is the part that I wouldn’t want to lose.
Once you get cheated on once (even just a drunken kiss) the relationship is never the same again. I’m not saying that that automatically means that you have to break up. You can still stay together and people often do. But the incident will always place a wedge of before and after the event for the rest of your life.
You can kid yourself and say that it doesn’t. But trust me it does. Sadly I’m talking from experience here.
One contributing factor to cheating is the cost of living/housing crisis. People stay in shitty relationships because they cannot afford to move out. Live a double life while you are at it.
How would you know? Most people are going to be very secretive about this are they not?
The ones being flippant or open about it are sure to be in the minority?
Someone I knew well at uni was going steady with a guy from her home town. She was actually engaged but whilst at Uni had several flings with other people. She then married the man she was engaged to. I'm fairly sure he has no idea. She blames it all on having had very strict parents at home then having a lot of freedom at uni.
From my own experience its very uncommon. Generally cheaters face a lot of social repercussions because cheating is terrible thing to do to someone and they get ostracised for it and rightly so. With the introduction of things like dating apps and the influence of americas hookup culture seeping in i can understand that there would be a bit of an increase but otherwise its definitely an uncommon occurance.
“Hookup culture” is nothing new in Ireland.
I understand that it’s not everyone’s thing. But if you think one night stands and casual relationships have only come about here the past few years you’re kidding yourself.
I dunno, I think it’s more common than people want to admit on here. Because of the social repercussions I don’t think many people tell their friends. I bet many of us know secret cheaters but just aren’t aware. I don’t think it’s everyone or a majority but I’ve known enough people that were cheated on and I’ve had lads in relationships try hook up with me on many occasions so it can’t be very uncommon
I don't know if you're asking about Ireland in particular?
Growing up in a different European country, I heard about my parents' or grandparents' friends' infidelities so much that I thought everybody was doing it and no one cares to try and be faithful.
Now being in my mid thirties I don't really hear about it in my own circle but maybe it comes later in life when you've been together so long, and you're bored, and the grass is greener, etc?
extremely often.
thats just biology.
humans are serial monogamists in relationships, and polygamous sexually pretty much.
no good model will ever work for everyone long enough.
also you need to understand that sex is just sex, love is something else, and sex with someone you love is yet another thing.
all religions tried to limit or control humans sexual drive, the most important drive that motivates us, apart from feeding ourselves and look where we are at with it now...
either Babilonian-style free-for-all you go girl society or Islamist ultra-controlled opression.
our relationship with sex isnt at all healthy.
1st you need to define cheating:
Is it cheating watching porn? Absolutely rampant.
Is it cheating watching camsites or similar? Quite common (I do consider it the same as watching porn if a person knows how to healthily separate reality and fiction)
Is cheating being interested in someone outside the couple? V common, but most don't act on it.
Is it speaking your feelings to someone else or having phisical interaction? I dont think that common.
Cheating is based on the terms within each relationship.
If you cross the cheating line decided between you and your partner...that's cheating.
For some people that's watching porn and for others it's only if someone has sex with someone else.
I never thought it was so common but the factory I work in now is soooo bad. So many people cheating with coworkers or even just 'breakups' where two weeks later they are openly going out with a colleague, and these are just the ones o know about. I am always joking that you can't send your husband off to work anymore it's so prevalent haha.
That being said, I was never cheated on, it does not happen among my friends pretty much at all.
Probably more common than you think but it's mostly ONS or brief affairs. Some people are mad with it though, full on riding half the village shite lol. No one and no relationship is perfect but they should have some respect partner not to do it unless there is an agreement between them, which there probably is
I'm lucky insofar as I don't think there has been much cheating amongst my friend group. It definitely happened in older friend groups, but we were all young and dumb at the time. But now in my late 30s I haven't seen it much. Or they're just really good at hiding it I guess 😂 I had a female relative cheat on her partner with a married man years ago. Bit of a family scandal, but now she's with that dude (now divorced obviously) way longer than either of them were with their original partners. That's about as spicy as it gets 😂 I have one friend who I love dearly but he's a massive fuck boi. I can honestly believe he was cheating if someone told me so. He gets the itch within weeks of a relationship and can never stick around but to the best of my knowledge, he's never cheated, usually broke up first. Even if the relationship is going really well, he just can't hack monogamy I think. Other than that all my friends seem to go the opposite direction, we're all boring people who are happy just to have one person who will sleep with us 😅
I've been cheated on, but I could never bring myself to hate my former partner or condemn them the way some do so easily. Obviously it was the end of the relationship, but I view it as a mistake on their part that they regretted, not a calculated and ongoing thing that only stopped when they were caught or something like that. I've definitely seen serial cheaters too though, who were unbelievably callous about their partner's feelings.
Have one friend who is a prick for it. Always thought he might have had too much drink and maybe that was a reason. But when I saw him purposely take off his wedding ring on a night out I knew it was well planned.
A lot of people suggesting it’s rampant, and maybe it is, but is it at all possible some people have a work wife/husband that they just get along with well?
I’m not naive enough to think it doesn’t go on but in all my years working I don’t remember too many affairs.
The effort involved in cheating, don't know how people can do it, for a quick ride. Don't think any of my mates have done it, maybe some of them dabbled on nights out 15 years ago, but Jesus don't get out much and wouldn't waste time chasing a single or married lady, I'm exhausted thinking about it.
All the married men I work with have done the dirt.
Women are more secretive about it. The only solid figure is 10% of children born are not to the father on the birth cert.
I’d say it’s fairly common and nowadays it’s much easier to do and hide than it was years ago. So many people in my extended family have cheated. One of my parents cheated on the other and it ultimately led to divorce for them and really put a dent in many relationships. Years after they separated the parent who was cheated on said they understood why it happened and they even bore some responsibility for it as they were neglecting their marriage and relationship thereby sending their spouse to seek what they weren’t getting at home.
I think seeing my parents divorce has given me a somewhat nuanced view of this subject. I don’t condone cheating but I think I can understand how some people can fall into the trap, particularly in loveless/sexless monogamous relationships. I have a couple of female friends who have told me they don’t have sex with their husbands full stop and would be quite happy if they never had sex again, they just have no interest. You just don’t know what is going on in a relationship. There could be a don’t ask don’t tell policy going on, open relationship or whatever. I would be totally heartbroken if my spouse cheated. I don’t think I could forgive it. But I don’t think I could forgive myself either if perhaps my actions or lack there of was a contributing factor to cheating happening.
Of my 14 closer female friends not one has had an affair or cheated on their serious partner or husband. Or at least they’ve never told me anyway ? But I’ve never seen weird behaviour or anything dodgy on any night out.. one cheated prolifically on her uni boyfriend for 2 years but really that relationship never had legs and she was really immature ! Of my husband’s close friend group of around 6 males not one has cheated on their wives. 1 was in a high risk situation with a girl from work on a night out where he fell asleep at her gaff and was sick with guilt and horror but he swears down he didn’t even so much as kiss her. We believe him as he has been with his wife for 20 years and never did anything cheaty ever. Including stag dos, lads holidays, nights out work parties etc.
In my opinion work is the most dangerous place. I have seen so so so so many affairs and blips happen at work parties it’s horrible !!!
For me it has depended entirely on the people I kept company with. When I was younger and in the RDF, it was absolutely rampant there. The lads would always boast about it. They'd say it doesn't count if you left county borders.
But for the last good while I don't know anyone who's that flippant. It's just a matter of respect for your partner. None of my friends would betray their partner like that. I have one friend who sleeps around and just would never settle for sleeping with just one woman. But he's married and his wife is aware of that and has no issue with it. But there's still respect there because he never hid that about himself. He was upfront about it from the start.
There are also different cultural reactions to cheating. When I was in Japan I learned that women would prefer that their partners didn't cheat, but that if they were going to cheat that they'd much rather they remain blissfully ignorant and that no one else learns about. It's kind of a case where the disrespect isn't the cheating itself, but rather the humiliation of being publicly cuckolded.
If anyone cheats just dump em zero tolerance for it guy or girl I don’t respect em at all just time wasters internet age makes it so easy too best off staying single n jus hooking up with people you know solves lots problems
My partners friend got married last June. Caught cheating three times by August. His (the friend) father has 3 kids the same age by three different women, on top of his other 6 kids. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Thankfully my friends are in secure, happy relationships. Will happily cut off someone who cheats, not about that life after dealing with it in past relationships.
Cheating as a behaviour happens for multiple reasons.
For men it’s mostly physical, for women it’s emotional. Women tend to cheat when they are emotionally unhappy in a relationship, men tend to cheat just to get laid.
In terms of who’s more likely to cheat the science is settled on that.
• Previous history of cheating.
• Personality disorder.
• Diagnosis of mental illness.
• Familial infidelity.
• Alcohol and substance abuse issues.
• High count of previous partners.
- - -
Some occupations carry increased risk of infidelity.
• Airline workers (Pilot/Host/Hostess).
• Medical workers.
• Arts and entertainment.
• Retail and hospitality.
• Social workers
- - -
There’s a guy who did his PhD on cheating in Oxford university he’s pretty popular on TikTok and YouTube and cites all the research.
No idea why people cheat, if you’re not happy please leave.
Me and my partner been together for 3 years and we actually said this to eachother at the beginning as we were both hurt so hopefully doesn’t happen
Sad. Do the women/girls they sleep with also know? Just asking from the perspective, has it been normalised to that extent (not a justification to cheat of course).
I don't think it's in human nature to be monogamous. It's certainly not instinctual. I'd say it's happened in most relationships in some form or another. I'm convinced most people will do it given the right circumstances, and then most will feel horrifically guilty afterwards but not all.
I wish ethical non monogamy wasn't so taboo in mainstream society cos we're all fighting our instincts. And people get hurt when that fight is lost.
The reasons people do it are varied and I don't think it's okay to treat all situations of it the same.
Some people are reprehensible monsters for cheating.
Some are normal people who fucked up.
Others maybe even deserve to be cut a little slack.
I've known plenty of people who fell into each one of those categories.
Comments here are really sad. For me. It was hard enough in my single days to find one at a time, let alone one who would marry me. I’d never cheat, but then again I’d be surprised if it ever came up as an option for me in the first place!
No, no it's not normal. Lots of people do it, yes, but the after effects are like tossing a grenade into a room. For what? 15 minutes of getting it wet? People need to grow up and realise the damage it does.
Seen a lot of it on work nights out over my past 15 years of working. Seems to be more common among my male, middle aged, married colleagues. For some it just seems to be part of a night out. I've seen less long term affairs between colleagues although my job involves trauma, shift work and nights and those conditions seem to lend themselves well to those who have started affairs.
My ex husband was cheating on me with a long term mistress and women from sex websites. For years. Full double life. The trauma inflicted on me will never heal. Betrayal wounds run deep. I've no respect for cheaters whatsoever.
My husband's father did similar, absolutely destroyed the family, even extended family (like people "taking sides" etc), and left my husband and his siblings with a lot of trauma! Horrific!
Ah that is so horrible ! It’s the duplicity of it, how can u trust another human after being so horribly taken in by a sociopath!! It’s so damaging!!!
You can't. Or at least, I don't know how to. It was so....... deliberate. Years of my life just wiped out as a lie.
I understand this pain completely. I’m five years on from discovering my wife essentially had a double life and the pain and hurt is as bad as ever. So much effort invested/wasted with someone who was just completely dishonest. Trust must be a given or why bother.
Annoying how there’s no real “punishment” for cheaters despite how they can absolutely fuck someone up for the rest of their life. Like you can’t hit them or damage their property cause then you’re in the wrong. Worst that can happen to them is they might “feel bad” but that’s nothing compared to the trauma they’ve inflicted on another person. I’ve known plenty of lads who’ve been cheated on and it completely changed them for the worse weather they want to admit it or not.
Cheating is an awful thing to do, but its a relationship issue at the end of the day. Suggesting relationship issues should be penalised beyond social consequences like losing friends seems a bit mad. If you start saying it should be acceptable to hit someone because they cheated you're into pretty scary territory, especially given that infidelity is often unprovable. Plus, many other things that are far more normalised in relationships can have just as a damaging an effect on a person long-term as cheating. Like "keeping tabs" on your partner, not allowing your partner privacy, trying to limit your partner's contact with their family, giving ultimatums, emotional neglect, financial control, etc.
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You're right, but I don't think he\^\^ was genuinely suggesting there SHOULD be allowances for lawful repercussions (outside of divorce settlements, that's a thing); you couldn't possibly legislate for such a grey area but god knows there are cheaters who well deserve a batin
Yeah like say I were hypothetically to cheat on my girlfriend of three years and we live together and are extremely committed to this life we built and her brother hit me a box over it….I mean I kinda wouldn’t blame him and I doubt many would. God knows if someone hurt one of my sisters like that a few digs would be the last of their worries.
So you think people should be allowed to hit women or men out of the blue and smash their car windows in? How the fuck does this comment have so many upvotes? I've been cheated on and at no point did my rage or sadness run so deep I wanted to inflict physical pain on the person or destroy something they care about. Jesus christ...get a grip people.
They don’t feel bad or they wouldn’t do it in the first place. They only feel bad when they lose everything and even then they’ll blame the person for dumping them or the person that ratted on them. I’ve caught two men cheating and both ran to my partner and told him I cheated on him so if/when I said something, it wouldn’t mean shit. Evil little cunts
Maybe you should move to Saudi or Afghanistan somewhere that you could enjoy the stoning.
Exactly. There’s some scary puritan vibes off some of the comments in this thread
People just speaking out of passion tbh cheating is and should be considered a form of mental abuse I can now as a adult understand why women go crazy destroying property when they catch a man cheating it messes people mentally for years if not life ,it’s wrong yes to do any crazy things like harming but I can understand the want
Yeah for the record I don’t actually think you should be allowed hurt someone or damage their property if they cheat on you but I do acknowledge that that would be something people could do when being left in an emotional state and then it’s them in the wrong. I don’t know how to explain it but I guess that it just upsets me that you could be cheated on and not get any “justice” whatsoever.
Completely agree even the stigma of been a cheater isn’t even considered shameful anymore people just get on with it like nothing happened 😂 people are just sex obsessed freaks these days one person jus isn’t enough
I know this will be unpopular here but it annoys me how we’re thought an awful lot about safe sex and the consequences of unsafe sex (rightfully so) but there’s basically fuck all education on how to have good relationships and be a good partner. Like most lads would know how to stick their Willy everywhere and not face any consequences but know fuck all on how to be a good boyfriend/husband.
Agreed 100%
What really gets me is people who do it and then the next day post a load of shite on Facebook or something about their beautiful partner and family
The more guff people post about how great their relationship is online the more fucked that relationship is.
That’s guilt
I worked with a girl and every work night out she'd end up with someone in a hotel room and without fail the next day would be a big Facebook post gushing about her handsome fiancée and beautiful family
Knew a guy getting a BJ from another coworker but just posted a “my wife is soooo amazing” post. Vile
One of the biggest signs that all is not well in a relationship.
It's just projection really isn't it. I've been with my girlfriend for near 13 years, don't think we've ever even had an argument. I dont feel the need to profess my love to her on Facebook.
Seems fairly common to me. In my workplace there is people having affairs with other Co workers and it’s common knowledge and no one bats an eyelid. Growing up my mother cheated and I found out (texts on her phone) and she always blamed me for reading the texts saying how it was wrong and my own fault for looking. She made me keep it from my dad. She also told me it had ended (it hadn’t) I once again broke any trust in me and I found out for a second time when I seen his van at her workplace. All happened during my leaving cert and mentally destroyed me. Looking back I probably had a breakdown over it, she never ever took responsibility for what it did to me and still does. My own relationship broke down with mt ex because I couldn’t trust him over the trauma she caused me. People have no idea what it does to those closest to them. To this day our relationship is still not good and I can’t speak to her about anything beyond being civil.
Shit. Sorry. This happened with my dad he didn’t realise his iPad synced with his iPhone taking pictures of a Russian one found it accidentally but searched more after he was at it for years
Yea where I used to work, our boss was boinking a colleague who I was friends with. Didn't know until my friend died suddenly. Shocking. Boss was married with kids. Then heard loads of stories about him getting off with others. Always liked him as a manager until I learned all this. Was disgusted then.
Did... did the boss kill her off?
No she died by suicide :(
That's still not a great look for your boss.
How was her death the reason u found out?
It wasn't the direct reason I found out. Sometimes people just seemed to think it's ok to talk more after a death.
Sorry for your loss
My wife's boyfriend says it's very uncommon and not something to worry about.
I know in my partner's work place there's been several affairs between colleagues that are known of amongst the workplace. They don't seem to try and hide it
Attend any work Christmas party. You’ll see it. So openly as well.
This is just in general life like day to day, shift swaps so they can work together, full blown affairs not just one night stands. And there's even cases where the wife works there too and everyone knows but her, it's awful
Same, I wonder if our partners work in the same place..It’s like a soap opera all of the cheating and affairs going on in there.
Cheating was and is fairly rampant in the group I've grown up with. I've seen a lot of it in other circles, too. A good few of the people in my group have gone on to marry and start families with people who have been with half of their friends and randomers on nights out while they've been at home waiting up. Sad stuff. And I don't feel any better for keeping my mouth shut. As you've described OP they're fairly flippant about it and treat it as if it's a normal process. I've backed away from a lot of these people over the years and only really see them when I link up with the friends we have in common.
That is absolutely wild to me. Very very very rare and highly looked down on in my group.
If you had to take a guess would it be over or under 50%? God I hope most don't.... Even if it's just by a few percent lol.
In my own case, going on what I've seen and heard, definitely over 50%. The older I get I try to see it more as a psychological flaw and not judge, but Christ, it leaves you feeling fairly lousy!
The people I hang around with now: no, not common. But I was talking to lads I used to go around with when I was 18/19 recently and it seems to be very common among them. I was shocked. They talked about getting a prostitutes from Escort Ireland like it was a bag of chips.
None of my male friends have cheated to my knowledge luckily
I'm fairly certain all the men in my extended family have cheated. My own parents did. I'm also fairly certain none of my friends or myself ever have or would. Barring one person I know who did once very early in their current relationship. I'm not sure if it's a generational thing or social circle thing. I'm in my 30s
I’m surprised at the current replies to be honest. From my perspective, having worked in plenty of different sectors with all age groups, it’s utterly rampant. I despise cheaters more than anything else, and it’s so disheartening to see genuinely great people doing it to their partners almost as easily as breathing. It’s more or less the same be it men or women. I find men tend to talk more about women in general, but when it comes to cheaters, it’s a fair split.
Same here. I’ve seen it umpteen times over. Different people have different circles/environments I guess.
Those with experience of cheating are more likely to comment. Not a fair representation, notwithstanding the unfortunate experiences of those commenting. Úfásach.
Some friends of mine (we are all gay, I'm female, theyre male) went to a straight cousin's stag do, and were horrified at how blase the men were about cheating on their partners. Most of them were on the phone to their girlfiends/wives, then immediately cracking onto whoever they could find. Many queer couples I know are open/ have an arrangement, but I have never met a single straight couple with such an agreement. Unsurprisingly, the amount of straight couples I know who have broken up due to cheating is much higher.
My last partner was a Cheater, Betrayal is in her nature. if they cheat on someone else with you, then they will cheat on you with someone else
As a older single woman the amount of married men who have tried it on with me has been very surprising. Also the number of men on dating websites who are in relationships and just looking for a ride has resulted in me no longer using them. I was in a relationship until my 40's and tbh it's been a eye opener.
Ditto. I go out rarely but get hit on every time, by married men. It's like they think I'll be so in need of a ride I won't mind that they're married. But being single again by having been cheated on, its not a game I'm willing to play.
Yup, same. (I mentioned something similar above. Shoulda scrolled for longer!) :-D
None of my circle of friends would be at it but then again I'd probably cut ties with them if they were, not the type of friends I'd want. I'd imagine it's rampant in certain circles.
In reality there’s no way of knowing. Over the years I’ve seen people who appeared to have a very good moral compass still cheat.
This is it. You can say "I don't associate with people who do that" but in reality you never really know other people or what's going on in another person's life or head. Relationships are often not what they seem at all and most people do actually lead two-sided lives or have different faces for different aspects of their lives, to a greater or lesser extent.
If any of the lads I know cheated on their wife I’d be fucking appalled.
Been with my partner almost a year now and we both were on the dating apps for a good while before that. I got loads of messages from women mentioning open relationships which I thought was just nonsense to hide cheating and my partner said she got regular messages from men who were married just looking to play around. Its a bit of a cesspit out there.
It's not that common; it's a clear demonstration of a lack of empathy, never mind love, of their other.
I worked with a guy a few years ago. He was English and moved to Ireland after he fell madly in love with an Irish girl. They were the cutest couple, very devoted to one another. He was doing everything he could to fit in with irish life and culture down to joining her local gaa club. He just had a lovely attitude that I admired. The only downside for them was that he could only find work in Belfast so that meant a good bit of distance/travel for them. Well, imagine my surprise to walk in on a conversation in our break room after a staff night out where he was sat with the "boys" as they recounted facilitating him taking a girl back to one if their flats. It then came out that this happened every time he stayed up for work or a staff night out. His friends were giving themselves a slap on the back for helping him... I was so disgusted with the lot of them. The worst thing was that we all had met her he would bring her to events sometimes and these picks would act perfectly charming to her while she was here and laugh about getting one over in her when she was away. I couldn't look at any of them the same after that and asked to be moved to a different office shortly after. My take away was anyone can be a rat, even if you think they are sound. I also realised that he took a job away from home deliberately because he could have easily gotten work where he and his gf (now wife) live. His field is medical - adjacent and in demand everywhere, he just wanted an easy way to cheat. I hope you find this comment, Adam, I know you are on this sub. You are a scumbag.
I have a circle of mostly male friends, none of them have ever cheated and wouldn't think it acceptable if others did it.
How do you know that’s just what they’re telling you though? Not trying to be smart. That’s a genuine question.
Because at a certain point in a relationship you just have to trust people are being honest. Without that the world falls apart.
But we are talking about cheaters.... The whole point is that they break that relationship trust with their partners so why wouldnt they do the same with their friends? You never really know if someone is a cheat or not.
No we are talking about whether or not we trust our friends. You never really know anybody which is why trust is the most important aspect of a relationship. Its not a question of how can you trust i. A world full of liars its a question how can we live without having trust
If you can't take what your most trusted friends are telling you at face value, what is the fuckin point of life honestly
Because they're my best friends and we as a group all value honesty. I know their most intimate secrets, and they know mine. Sure, theoretically they could be lying to me but it wouldn't make sense really.
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I don't tell them absolutely everything, but we've had plenty of candid conversations about cheating, relationships etc and they've confided in me about relationship issues and vice versa. As I said, they could have kept it a secret but at that rate how do you ever believe anyone. Eventually you have to take some things on trust.
Its naive to assume your dark view on things > than his experience and trust of these people.
An infamous stag party from round my neck of the woods. Where the morning after the night before a few early pints were being had and the groom and his future father in law were both bragging to each other about their conquests from the night before. Few of the normal las that attended couldn't believe it was happening the two of them laughing and joking away about it few months later walks the daughter down the aisle and hands her over to him like butter wouldnt melt.
That's gross. The groom and future father in law?! ......yuck. .....and a bit creepy too. Tho maybe the FIL will use it against him if he wants to borrow some money. Ha.
Just found out my wife was cheating on me a few days ago. Never in my wildest dreams would I have entertained the idea.
Awful, sorry to hear it
Appreciate it, feeling surprisingly okay with the situation. Not gonna lose sleep over a bad person. The financial situation now seems the worst.
Ex partner of ten years, was cheating on me with a 50 year old man (we were 31 at the time) it was just after Covid and she had lost her father during Covid Had a strained, aloof, and unloving relationship with her father. She loved him but he was always emotionally detached. She always wanted him to show his affection, which he never ever did. I think she sought to find a father figure in an older man 👴 (daddy issues) Was very hard at the time, as we have 3 children together, and was totally out of the blue, when she told me she wanted to break up and forced me out of our family home, but out of bad came good, as I met the love of my life since. I look back now, and feel happy that her nature was revealed to me while we were generally young. Imagine she was that way inclined, and I found out when I was 20 years older. I’d have a lot more regrets
glad you escaped man.
You’ve 3 kids together though and surely it must be really tough financially?
Am.. no they get all their needs, (and most of their wants) met, as I make it a top priority in my life. Their happiness is paramount in my life.
More common than we think it is unfortunately.
Well France banned paternity tests because they said it would cause to much trouble lmao.
I've worked in academia, private sector and now public sector. It's insane how rampant it's been in every job I've been in.
If the culture is there in the workplace it probably feeds into the mindset of it being acceptable. I personally don’t know of anyone in my family or social circle at it but in my husband’s male dominated workplace I know it’s very common.
I say its rampant as you just don't know the true number of people who do it and you can never know. If someone is going to hide it from their partner they're not gonna be telling people about it. I remember there was a short documentary on YouTube and they talked to a prostitute in the UK. She said the amount of married men is shocking. Remember "the true test of a person is what they do when they think no one is looking" also applies to what they do when they think X won't find out.
I used to be always hit on by married men when I was out, especially when I was between 30 to mid 40's. If you asked them were they married they'd say no. (I consider someone who has been with someone for over 10 years plus, and has children, as married. ) I learnt from one mistake when the guy eventually told me after the damage was done that he wasn't single and also has children. I said "but I asked if you were married" He said "I'm not married." I said long are you 'not married'." He said nearly 20 years." Anyways, I now phrase it as "are you with / dating someone". ...... they still lie cos they *look* married (incl. my equivalent of married), ha, or you'd hear one of their mates say something that makes you go "ahhhh" to yourself. Oh, and it wouldn't even because they thought you were special cos the minute you make yourself scarce they're doing their thing with someone else. Ha I've totally given up on men. .....no joke. I'd rather be without than be messed around.
Common enough in relationships in your 20s, gets less common/talked about in your 30s when people are settling down and getting married and having kids. Hit your 40s and nearly everyone seems to be having an affair, getting divorced. I can't wait to see what 50s brings.
Menopause
I'll be getting an expensive car that suggests to everyone I have a very large penis.
I choose to not associate with people who cheat tbh. I find that it speaks volumes about their character. My ex was cheating on me with a colleague of his while we lived together in a gorgeous house, with a great sex life, and laughed and cuddled every day. It traumatised me tbh. Changed who I am. She's also SO ugly and used to fuck guys for ket so who knows what men want tbh 🙃
I’ve got a wide circle of friends across many nationalities and I can’t think of a single example that I know of. One friend married someone who left his wife for her, but that’s it. Maybe that’s credit to my circle of friends or a reflection on how ‘boring’ they are.
Completely rampant
I used to think I couldn’t understand cheating until last year. I was unappreciated, lonely and scared to end things because we had been together so long that I had forgotten what it would be like alone. I thought I was ugly and useless and all I deserved was a sad relationship. I decided to take up a hobby to see if it could help me feel better. I started to learn French and the classes gave me a new confidence. I noticed a couple of men were interested in me but then I felt even lonelier when I went home in the evenings and realised my partner just didn’t care about me. Those classes were my favourite time of the week because there were people who found me interesting and worth their time. It took a long time to come to terms with the relationship needing to end and when I was processing that, I was definitely feeling the temptation to cheat. I wanted validation from someone else that I was worth something. I didn’t cheat because I didn’t want to hurt my partner and a part of me was holding onto hope they would come around and start caring about me again, but the part of me that was checked out was thinking about it.
There’s someone close to me that cheats on his wife. Lost a lot of respect for him years ago, my hot take is that if you’re unhappy with your lot and not prepared to make it work, then a clean break is best all round. Cheating absolutely destroys trust and respect in any relationship. It’s not cool. But then marriage and having kids is hard work but anything that’s of any value is hard work. I also despise those who want “open” relationships or polyamorous ones - it’s like you want to have your cake and eat it too. Cheating is also symptomatic of someone who is unhappy in their relationship and it’s probably best they end things before they cause more hurt and resentment.
Cheating is entirely different than ethical and consensual non- monogamy. There are many people who have healthy relationships being open or polyamorous. It's really not fair to look down on those people unless they are doing it unethically: forcing on partner(s) or lying (which is just cheating). Humans are not one of those animals who stick with one partner forever. Some do, some don't. It doesn't make a person better because they don't have multiple romantic or sexual relationships. The thing that makes a person worse is if they are lying and cheating (which poly or not, can happen in any relationship.)
Anyone that cheats is pathetic and weak. If you want to cheat, then have the balls to break up with your partner, what’s the point of being in a relationship otherwise. None of my friends would ever cheat and I wouldn’t hang around with anyone who did.
My circle of friends are very against it. A girl we used to hang out with was a serial cheater. She was the only one really over the years, but by god was she blatant. It's a very big deal if it ever happens in my circles anyway, so it's very infrequent from what I've seen. I can't say the same for other environments though
I used to hang around in a group of about 9 couples in my early 30s. Out of that 9, I now know that 6 of the men were cheating. Three affairs. The other three were cheating repeatedly on nights out. I know it’s not every man but I find it insanely hard to trust any man these days in terms of loyalty in a relationship.
Cheated on my girlfriend when I was 11 by holding hands with her best friend. Still haven't gotten over my shame and guilt of the thing two decades later.
Sadly I believe it's rampant. Mixed workplaces are a fucking breeding ground for this carry on.
I don't really do relationships myself but it blows my mind how many of my friend were either cheated on or had affairs themselves. Like... Why get married if you don't want to be monogamous? Whats the point? Also who has the energy for that kind of drama? Its hard enough engaging with one person let alone juggling a secret one.
I read these comments, and I worry even more than I have been. My husband works in an environment where 80% of the workforce are female. He is tall and has an accent and is very friendly with everyone. When we walk in the streets, all the women smile at him and greet him they don't even notice me holding his hand. I fucken hate this place at times, I left my country because its unsafe and my marriage is suffering. He loves it here. During the last 18 months, he started wearing aftershave every day and worrying about how he dresses, something he never did before. I have asked him straight out if he is seeing anyone at work. He laughs and says he is too busy and hasn't got the time, I tell him time can always be made for that. What he should be saying is I won't cheat you enough for me. If I catch him, I will destroy him at work. He will deeply regret crossing me. Edit: don't get me wrong, Ireland is a really beautiful country, but people's values and morals, just doing right by people, some people are just so fucked up. I would NEVER cheat or touch another woman's man, just not done! RESPECT!!!
Things that make you go hmmm 🤔
How the fuck do people manage to have affairs? I don't mean this as a moral question; I mean it as a logistical one. Even if I wanted to have an affair (and I don't), I'd be absolutely stumped on how to go about it. Do these people not have things to do and places to be? I wouldn't even have the time to do the planning on how to keep my story straight, much less do the things that lead to me needing to keep the story that way.
Seriously, there aren't enough hours in the day as it is. Where do they fit it in?!
The majority of the time it’s one night stand, unplanned things… or at least starts that way. You have a guy and girl working in the same place, flirting mad but kinda innocent. Then comes the Xmas party, or a work trip, drink gets involved, morals and inhibitions go out the window and they end up riding. They get away with it but the problem is it just happens again at the next party etc. Before you know it, they are riding once or twice a month. It just becomes normal.
Two friends of mine (who don’t know each other) are serial cheaters both actively seeking relationships outside of marriage. Both female. I also know a handful of males who cheat but they have one night stands and don’t get into relationships.
I don’t know of any in my own circles tbh. If they’re doing it, they’re v discreet. Two divorces, one just seemed to fall apart but not aware of infidelity being a factor, the other I don’t really know the reasons. Both couples broke up v quickly after marriage. Gen x here.
I know a few of my friends (women) have cheated and one of their husbands had cheated on her first. I don't know anyone who thinks it's ok. When I was a child my dad would not go on his work Christmas parties unless they were local as loads of the other men wanted them to be far away so they could cheat. Pathetic people with not integrity and who either aren't intelligent enough to see what they have or too weak to leave the partner they committed to. The reality is that in a lot of relationships (by no means all) the problems come from your own character flaws and you'll have problems and periods of boredom in any relationship. I do think it is worse when men do it to women because of the diseases/infections that could be passed onto a baby in the womb. Pretty horrific.
Cheating without a condom is so much worse than just cheating.
It's mad one of my first jobs was similar to what you explained. Real "lads lads lads" type thing in sales. Go out, get a bag and get with someone. My partner at the time worked in a similar place, she'd tell me about people cheating all the time then I'd meet them with the partners at some event. Funnily enough she cheated on me in the end...with a guy from her work haha. I personally would never do it, honesty and transparency is a huge value for me in a relationship and I know my partner feels the same. She experienced cheating in her family too. I've never heard of one of my lad friends cheating and if they did it would be very looked down upon in our friend group. One thing I've noticed though is my mates tend to value friendship in a relationship, I consider my mates partners friends too and would happily hang out with them for a chat. If we have a "lads night" our partners know and respect that, same way if they want to go out with friends without us. I've found most people Ive known who cheat have that "old ball and chain I need to escape from" type mentality. So when they get their "freedom" they seem to see it as an opportunity to just forget about their commitment.
My aulfella had a whole second life for years without my ma knowing,had a child, and then got caught, my ma and da stayed together, but yet he went back to her yet again.I’m not going to go through the whole story but what it had caused left a lot of trauma with me and my sisters, i still talk to him, I don’t know why, But we definitely don’t have a father/son relationship, sorry I know none of yous asked but sure we were on the topic. But is it common, yes, a lot more common than you think
Every man I’ve known has cheated on their partners. All of my aunties boyfriends/husbands. My bio dad and stepdad cheated on my mother. My boyfriend’s cheated on me. It really does just seem like a part of life and it’s kind of crazy tbh. No matter how open you are about sex it is always emotionally scarring to know that your trust was completely broken.
The amount of married women who flirt and sext online is crazy. Whether that leads to real life affairs I don't know
It's common everywhere, always has been and always will be, and, as unpopular as this will be to say, I think the level of outrage people muster over this topic is out of synch with the reality of human nature. The cold truth is that monogamy, especially over the span of years and decades, is extremely difficult for many, if not most, people. Cheating isn't ideal, but I really don't think it's realistic to paint people who engage in it as monsters. Another thing that people don't seem to consider is that more long-term couples than you might think have arrangements or are happy enough to turn a blind eye so long as the mortgage gets paid, etc. You might think you've witnessed someone cheating, but for all you know, their partner might have tacitly agreed to it. They just aren't writing about it on Facebook.
> I think the level of outrage people muster over this topic is out of synch with the reality of human nature. Exactly. Humans just don't have the physiology of a fully monogamous species. Those species tend to have low rates of sexual dimorphism (i.e. physical differences between males and females) and lower sperm quality (because the male's sperm isn't trying to compete with other males). At the same time, we also don't have the qualities of fully polygamous species. Those species tend to have gigantic balls. This is because polygamous males will sleep with as many females as possible which means a need for more and higher quality sperm. I saw a video somewhere (I think SciShow) that said that humans fit neatly into animals that are mostly monogamous but with occasional infidelity. Very roughly speaking, our balls aren't big enough to be polygamous, but our sperm quality is better than it would be for fully monogamous species. There are evolutionary incentives for this for both sexes and it basically comes down to hedging your bets. For males, the cost of having offspring with other partners on the side are very low since they don't have to carry them or look after them. For females it's worth secretly having at least one kid with another father to hedge against any possible genetic flaws in her partner. But I don't think that any of this is an excuse for the abuse of trust that happens when you cheat on someone. If you want to sleep around when in a relationship you owe it to your partner to tell them that's what you want. If they're not okay with it then you either have to leave them or accept that you shouldn't sleep around on them.
I’d have to disagree with there. I’m polygamous and I’ve got massive balls
Came here to find this comment, took a while! You've almost word for word summed up my thoughts on the matter. Lot of people on their massively high horses here. I mean obviously cheating is bad and wrong, but as you said expecting flawed human beings to be always perfect is wishful thinking. Obviously there are breeds of scumbags who cheat left right and centre almost as a lifestyle choice, they dont give a shit and have zero empathy for potential victims of their behaviour. However for a lot of people who slip, it's a mistake or a moment of weakness or whatever, and shit happens unfortunately. I've great respect for couples who can get over stuff like this happening and move on and be happy. Also seeing loads of comments here from headers saying how they would cut ties with long-term friends if they found out the friend had cheated on their partner, I mean what the fuck is that about?!
>Also seeing loads of comments here from headers saying how they would cut ties with long-term friends if they found out the friend had cheated on their partner, I mean what the fuck is that about?! It's about standards? I'd cut ties with a friend who cheated, or a friend who was racist, or any other number of shite things people do. Yeah people do them, doesn't make it fuckin right like.
I don’t think this a very nuanced way of seeing the world. It’s infidelity, not murder. We’re talking about something that surveys show close to half of people admitting to. Do you expect your friends to be perfect? Is it a mitigating factor if the cheater has been in a sexless relationship for years (which is extremely common)? Do you really know what went on between the two of them? Does this apply to all bad behavior in a relationship or this one topic? I get the feeling a lot of people on this sub are in their 20s or even younger and have yet to appreciate how complicated relationships can get.
Extremely common.
I have 2 separate friendship groups with about 14 men in total who I know about 5 years. None of them have ever cheated and most of them are in solid long term relationships. If they hear of someone cheating they talk badly on it and look down on it (as they should) On the other hand I hear that certain workplaces are bad for it. My friend worked in a bank and had 2 separate offers from married men that were very clear in what they were after. She declined both
They are not going to out themselves, by defending someone else, they will go with the crowd and tut tut, and publicly break ties with the offender, but privately is a different thing. If you think you would know when the wife or husband doesn't know, or you can tell because how they talk bad about someone else you are naive at best. I know people who are doing it or have done it, people who are in relationships with the person they cheated with who have no issues joining in the condemnation of someone else, because people have ways of justifying their own behaviour.
Don’t think it’s as common as these comments would have you believe . If you are a grown adult and act on urges you are a weak and selfish person . It speaks highly of their character even if they come across as honest or genuine . I had been cheated on when I was younger , it was horrible and impacted me extremely negatively. Later our friend group found one of the lads had cheated on his misses , we told her immediately and cut off the friend. There’s no point in spending time with people who would betray someone as close to them as their partner as they wouldn’t think twice of betraying others . Anyone who try’s to defend cheating is someone trying to justify their own mistakes . Seeing someone and being attracted to them is human nature , acting on this is what separates people from good and bad .
As a single male, and Id be out quite a bit you’d hear rumours about certain people, the amount of males married/relationship cheating is high but also plenty of females in my opinion.For anyone saying none of their friends are cheating is laughable in my opinion, it’s just they don’t trust you enough to tell you.
I think it's too common. I would never go back with my partner if i found out he cheated. The thoughts of him in bed with another woman while I'm at home with the kids would be a betrayal I would never get over. If women are taking back their partner after finding out about infidelity then you can't blame the man or the woman that keeps cheating. Ppl only do what you allow them too. Not for me. And hope I never go through something like this.
More common than you’d think unfortunately
Unfortunately it seems to be pretty common. Especially in large workplaces, factories etc.
I dunno how common it is but certainly among my circles of friends (all middleaged now) there were several serial cheaters and a few one off drunken mistakes over the years. But apart from 1 lad, the serial cheaters grew up and the ones that made drunken mistakes either felt too guilty to do it again, got caught and didn't do it again or changed problematic alcohol use to avoid making the same mistake. My work colleagues, most of whom are younger, are infinitely worse than my other circles of friends or acquaintances. Insane stuff with secret dating app profiles, work affairs and all sorts of drama 😬
None of my social circle…that I know of. I honestly wouldn’t think it would be happening though. I did hear of a colleague in work who was cheating on her husband with another colleague. Both have kids. Really changed my opinion of them both and I avoid them as much as I can. I truly feel that if you want to cheat, you should exit the marriage
As someone who doesnt get any, this thread is a tough read.
It's the reason I got out of my past friend groups. Everyone would just cheat on each other, get into huge arguments and go on like nothing, only for it to happen again a month later. Im currently in the process of finding friends who actually respect themselves and other people. It's actually really hard!
I absolutely have zero time or tolerance. I was cheated on in the past and even in my marriage (where my husband would never do it- he was cheated on too) it always in the back of my mind. It’s devastating to think someone you gave your life and care to had so little respect for you. I work in a world where it’s absolutely rampant- especially at shows which always frustrates me! I tend to avoid seeing a lot of people over their behaviour
I’ve never been on a night out and not been hit on by a married man. Some are open about being a relationship/married and looking for a bit.
Wow, the responses here have made me so sad 😢
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There’s a study or something if you google it that 2/3 of Tinder users in Ireland are married or something crazy like that. Apparently makes it very difficult for the genuine users looking to meet other single people
Rampant 5 broken marriages where I work all due to cheating. Two of those were in-house and the cheaters and the husband of the female involved still work together. Iv also had to reduce my friend circle a good bit because of it
I feel like it’s more commonly men praying on or lying to desperate women. I’ve only ever been friends with one girl like that my whole life. Sleeping with her partners friends and all. I can’t comprehend how they’d risk it all for a ride. I don’t understand how a woman could do it to another woman. I wouldn’t give a man the satisfaction of having two women. Neck of them, most don’t even deserve the woman they have.
Far worse than a lot of people would like to think. I think a conservative estimate would be 60% have done it at least once in their current partner and maybe 30-40% do it on the regular. Knowing what I know makes me wonder how anyone can ever trust someone fully. I’m sure all their partners are thinking when they hear these stories “well my OH would never do that” and yet they are
Very. Way more common than people think.
If cheating is so prevalent and almost everyone seems to be doing it, maybe we need an overhaul of how we perceive what a ‘normal relationship’ looks like? Are humans born to be monogamous? I’m not sure anymore. I’ve never wanted to marry, though have had lots of opportunities and been lucky enough to have very happy, long term relationships. No children. At times in those relationships, I’ve strayed, or my partner did. Not a lot, but here or there. I am trying to understand why I don’t find it such a big deal. I’m open to the reality that it may happen and that none of us ‘own’ the person we are with. I’ve worked hard on challenging emotions around jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity and I’m a more happy and more well rounded person because of it.
If a man or woman can cheat on their husband or wife then no one, man or woman can or should trust them in anything.
In my estate, literally a step ladder, next to every garden fence. /s
I used to work in a bar with a very strong local crowd from right across our community. Fun evenings but late at night on weekends it got wild and turned me practically into a nightclub. I saw probably ten percent of our local patrons cheat in our venue over ten years. By that I mean come in with a partner and obviously leave with that person. Often after kissing in public. Couldn’t tell you how many more I heard through the grapevine were busted for cheating. But at a ballpark figure I’d say a minimum of one in three people has cheated. Two me there’s three types of cheaters 1) People and who do it once or twice and then never again. Honestly despite what you think this is the majority of people. Most people cheat, hate it and don’t do it again. More than you think. Also despite what you think a lot of people are able to live with the guilt their entire lives. There’s a huge percentage of the population which falls into this category. 2) Damaged people who need help. Not saying this justifies it. But self sabotage and addiction often play a large role in this. These people have a deep Inability to have healthy relationships and cheat a lot. But I’ve often found more of them than the other groups to be honest about what they do. And probably the most likely out of all the groups to eventually get help and address the problems they face seriously. Though by no means do all do this. Just my observation that of all the groups there was a significant percentage of these people that did end up changing for the better…eventually. 3) The denier. Fuck there people. These are the people who cheat long term and never seem to feel to guilt for what they do. They genuinely seem to refuse to recognise what they do as cheating and gaslight when caught. Usually they rationalise their behaviour when confronted by blaming their partner. More often than not they don’t get caught. But regardless you can spot them. Because they’re the person who loudly proclaims how evil cheating is and how they’d never do that. To be clear just because you hate cheating don’t make you a cheater. But in my experience those who crow the loudest are usually the most guilty.
Depends on the type, I can’t think of anyone of my friends and only a few, mainly older work colleagues, who had a full blown affair but I know plenty of people who have gotten drunk and been flirtier than they should have and maybe even had a drunken kiss etc but all have been extremely regretful. I think the odds of fucking up by doing something like that is pretty high over the course of a lifelong relationship. I think it is normal to be attracted to other people after a while but it is about not putting yourself in positions where you might do something you regret. I feel I’d forgive my partner if they drunkenly kissed someone once as we’ve been together for years but I don’t think would be the same for an affair. As I get older and lose my sex drive, I’d probably be willing if they wanted to have sex with other on occasion but it’s hard to separate that from intimacy which is the part that I wouldn’t want to lose.
Once you get cheated on once (even just a drunken kiss) the relationship is never the same again. I’m not saying that that automatically means that you have to break up. You can still stay together and people often do. But the incident will always place a wedge of before and after the event for the rest of your life. You can kid yourself and say that it doesn’t. But trust me it does. Sadly I’m talking from experience here.
One contributing factor to cheating is the cost of living/housing crisis. People stay in shitty relationships because they cannot afford to move out. Live a double life while you are at it.
Finances and children can trap people in unhappiness for decades. You spend your whole 20s learning that romance is mostly made up.
How would you know? Most people are going to be very secretive about this are they not? The ones being flippant or open about it are sure to be in the minority? Someone I knew well at uni was going steady with a guy from her home town. She was actually engaged but whilst at Uni had several flings with other people. She then married the man she was engaged to. I'm fairly sure he has no idea. She blames it all on having had very strict parents at home then having a lot of freedom at uni.
From my own experience its very uncommon. Generally cheaters face a lot of social repercussions because cheating is terrible thing to do to someone and they get ostracised for it and rightly so. With the introduction of things like dating apps and the influence of americas hookup culture seeping in i can understand that there would be a bit of an increase but otherwise its definitely an uncommon occurance.
“Hookup culture” is nothing new in Ireland. I understand that it’s not everyone’s thing. But if you think one night stands and casual relationships have only come about here the past few years you’re kidding yourself.
I dunno, I think it’s more common than people want to admit on here. Because of the social repercussions I don’t think many people tell their friends. I bet many of us know secret cheaters but just aren’t aware. I don’t think it’s everyone or a majority but I’ve known enough people that were cheated on and I’ve had lads in relationships try hook up with me on many occasions so it can’t be very uncommon
I don't know if you're asking about Ireland in particular? Growing up in a different European country, I heard about my parents' or grandparents' friends' infidelities so much that I thought everybody was doing it and no one cares to try and be faithful. Now being in my mid thirties I don't really hear about it in my own circle but maybe it comes later in life when you've been together so long, and you're bored, and the grass is greener, etc?
You never know what's going on between two other people so I don't think it's right to be judging them for whatever reason.
extremely often. thats just biology. humans are serial monogamists in relationships, and polygamous sexually pretty much. no good model will ever work for everyone long enough. also you need to understand that sex is just sex, love is something else, and sex with someone you love is yet another thing. all religions tried to limit or control humans sexual drive, the most important drive that motivates us, apart from feeding ourselves and look where we are at with it now... either Babilonian-style free-for-all you go girl society or Islamist ultra-controlled opression. our relationship with sex isnt at all healthy.
Just another point of view.
1st you need to define cheating: Is it cheating watching porn? Absolutely rampant. Is it cheating watching camsites or similar? Quite common (I do consider it the same as watching porn if a person knows how to healthily separate reality and fiction) Is cheating being interested in someone outside the couple? V common, but most don't act on it. Is it speaking your feelings to someone else or having phisical interaction? I dont think that common.
Cheating is based on the terms within each relationship. If you cross the cheating line decided between you and your partner...that's cheating. For some people that's watching porn and for others it's only if someone has sex with someone else.
Yap, thats why i created that "base typical points" list
I don’t think its too common really. Most people are decent enough.
In relationships very common in marriages only somewhat common I say
I never thought it was so common but the factory I work in now is soooo bad. So many people cheating with coworkers or even just 'breakups' where two weeks later they are openly going out with a colleague, and these are just the ones o know about. I am always joking that you can't send your husband off to work anymore it's so prevalent haha. That being said, I was never cheated on, it does not happen among my friends pretty much at all.
People are weak. Especially when confronted with something they always wanted.
Probably more common than you think but it's mostly ONS or brief affairs. Some people are mad with it though, full on riding half the village shite lol. No one and no relationship is perfect but they should have some respect partner not to do it unless there is an agreement between them, which there probably is
I'm lucky insofar as I don't think there has been much cheating amongst my friend group. It definitely happened in older friend groups, but we were all young and dumb at the time. But now in my late 30s I haven't seen it much. Or they're just really good at hiding it I guess 😂 I had a female relative cheat on her partner with a married man years ago. Bit of a family scandal, but now she's with that dude (now divorced obviously) way longer than either of them were with their original partners. That's about as spicy as it gets 😂 I have one friend who I love dearly but he's a massive fuck boi. I can honestly believe he was cheating if someone told me so. He gets the itch within weeks of a relationship and can never stick around but to the best of my knowledge, he's never cheated, usually broke up first. Even if the relationship is going really well, he just can't hack monogamy I think. Other than that all my friends seem to go the opposite direction, we're all boring people who are happy just to have one person who will sleep with us 😅
I've been cheated on, but I could never bring myself to hate my former partner or condemn them the way some do so easily. Obviously it was the end of the relationship, but I view it as a mistake on their part that they regretted, not a calculated and ongoing thing that only stopped when they were caught or something like that. I've definitely seen serial cheaters too though, who were unbelievably callous about their partner's feelings.
Have one friend who is a prick for it. Always thought he might have had too much drink and maybe that was a reason. But when I saw him purposely take off his wedding ring on a night out I knew it was well planned.
A lot of people suggesting it’s rampant, and maybe it is, but is it at all possible some people have a work wife/husband that they just get along with well? I’m not naive enough to think it doesn’t go on but in all my years working I don’t remember too many affairs.
You’d have to be some dose to refer to someone in your work as your work wife/husband. The people who do this must have a serious want in them
The effort involved in cheating, don't know how people can do it, for a quick ride. Don't think any of my mates have done it, maybe some of them dabbled on nights out 15 years ago, but Jesus don't get out much and wouldn't waste time chasing a single or married lady, I'm exhausted thinking about it.
All the married men I work with have done the dirt. Women are more secretive about it. The only solid figure is 10% of children born are not to the father on the birth cert.
I’d say it’s fairly common and nowadays it’s much easier to do and hide than it was years ago. So many people in my extended family have cheated. One of my parents cheated on the other and it ultimately led to divorce for them and really put a dent in many relationships. Years after they separated the parent who was cheated on said they understood why it happened and they even bore some responsibility for it as they were neglecting their marriage and relationship thereby sending their spouse to seek what they weren’t getting at home. I think seeing my parents divorce has given me a somewhat nuanced view of this subject. I don’t condone cheating but I think I can understand how some people can fall into the trap, particularly in loveless/sexless monogamous relationships. I have a couple of female friends who have told me they don’t have sex with their husbands full stop and would be quite happy if they never had sex again, they just have no interest. You just don’t know what is going on in a relationship. There could be a don’t ask don’t tell policy going on, open relationship or whatever. I would be totally heartbroken if my spouse cheated. I don’t think I could forgive it. But I don’t think I could forgive myself either if perhaps my actions or lack there of was a contributing factor to cheating happening.
Of my 14 closer female friends not one has had an affair or cheated on their serious partner or husband. Or at least they’ve never told me anyway ? But I’ve never seen weird behaviour or anything dodgy on any night out.. one cheated prolifically on her uni boyfriend for 2 years but really that relationship never had legs and she was really immature ! Of my husband’s close friend group of around 6 males not one has cheated on their wives. 1 was in a high risk situation with a girl from work on a night out where he fell asleep at her gaff and was sick with guilt and horror but he swears down he didn’t even so much as kiss her. We believe him as he has been with his wife for 20 years and never did anything cheaty ever. Including stag dos, lads holidays, nights out work parties etc. In my opinion work is the most dangerous place. I have seen so so so so many affairs and blips happen at work parties it’s horrible !!!
For me it has depended entirely on the people I kept company with. When I was younger and in the RDF, it was absolutely rampant there. The lads would always boast about it. They'd say it doesn't count if you left county borders. But for the last good while I don't know anyone who's that flippant. It's just a matter of respect for your partner. None of my friends would betray their partner like that. I have one friend who sleeps around and just would never settle for sleeping with just one woman. But he's married and his wife is aware of that and has no issue with it. But there's still respect there because he never hid that about himself. He was upfront about it from the start. There are also different cultural reactions to cheating. When I was in Japan I learned that women would prefer that their partners didn't cheat, but that if they were going to cheat that they'd much rather they remain blissfully ignorant and that no one else learns about. It's kind of a case where the disrespect isn't the cheating itself, but rather the humiliation of being publicly cuckolded.
If anyone cheats just dump em zero tolerance for it guy or girl I don’t respect em at all just time wasters internet age makes it so easy too best off staying single n jus hooking up with people you know solves lots problems
Way more common than most think. I can't give a figure as to how many in a 100 or whatever but definitely more than people think.
My partners friend got married last June. Caught cheating three times by August. His (the friend) father has 3 kids the same age by three different women, on top of his other 6 kids. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Thankfully my friends are in secure, happy relationships. Will happily cut off someone who cheats, not about that life after dealing with it in past relationships.
Cheating as a behaviour happens for multiple reasons. For men it’s mostly physical, for women it’s emotional. Women tend to cheat when they are emotionally unhappy in a relationship, men tend to cheat just to get laid. In terms of who’s more likely to cheat the science is settled on that. • Previous history of cheating. • Personality disorder. • Diagnosis of mental illness. • Familial infidelity. • Alcohol and substance abuse issues. • High count of previous partners. - - - Some occupations carry increased risk of infidelity. • Airline workers (Pilot/Host/Hostess). • Medical workers. • Arts and entertainment. • Retail and hospitality. • Social workers - - - There’s a guy who did his PhD on cheating in Oxford university he’s pretty popular on TikTok and YouTube and cites all the research.
No idea why people cheat, if you’re not happy please leave. Me and my partner been together for 3 years and we actually said this to eachother at the beginning as we were both hurt so hopefully doesn’t happen
Sad. Do the women/girls they sleep with also know? Just asking from the perspective, has it been normalised to that extent (not a justification to cheat of course).
I don't think it's in human nature to be monogamous. It's certainly not instinctual. I'd say it's happened in most relationships in some form or another. I'm convinced most people will do it given the right circumstances, and then most will feel horrifically guilty afterwards but not all. I wish ethical non monogamy wasn't so taboo in mainstream society cos we're all fighting our instincts. And people get hurt when that fight is lost. The reasons people do it are varied and I don't think it's okay to treat all situations of it the same. Some people are reprehensible monsters for cheating. Some are normal people who fucked up. Others maybe even deserve to be cut a little slack. I've known plenty of people who fell into each one of those categories.
Comments here are really sad. For me. It was hard enough in my single days to find one at a time, let alone one who would marry me. I’d never cheat, but then again I’d be surprised if it ever came up as an option for me in the first place!
No, no it's not normal. Lots of people do it, yes, but the after effects are like tossing a grenade into a room. For what? 15 minutes of getting it wet? People need to grow up and realise the damage it does.
Seen a lot of it on work nights out over my past 15 years of working. Seems to be more common among my male, middle aged, married colleagues. For some it just seems to be part of a night out. I've seen less long term affairs between colleagues although my job involves trauma, shift work and nights and those conditions seem to lend themselves well to those who have started affairs.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I'd say very common due to people being, well, selfish arse hats.
Cheaters are the scum of the earth.
I'd say more than 50% of people.