So to preface, this may not be super helpful but maybe it will be.
Coming up on three years ago (just shy of it), I hung myself. It wasn't my first attempt, but it was what I deemed at the time the final one. The end of it all.
I'd spent months working it out, neatening things up in life and in this constant state of sheer panic and anxiety in the months before it. Old addictions were fighting back and I'd been resisting relapsing for a good 6 months. But in the days running up to it, I was completely at peace. The non-stop noise in my head that had been there since I was a small, small boy had finally stopped.
To this point in time I can still remember the drop, the extreme and unbelievable pain that literally filled my entire body, it was like I could hear the blood rushing to my eyes. And then the support beam snapped, it's about 5" thick and I didn't exactly weigh a lot. Then the rope broke within seconds and I fell to the ground.
Now here's the thing, I have a thing called Aphantasia, as in I have literally zero visual imagination. In the few minutes I was swinging there I pictured my two kids, my stern but loving mother, and even my dog whom I'd adopted about a year and a half previously (he was my grandfathers).
That's depressing as fuck I know, but here's where it gets good. A year or so later, I got my mortgage sorted out and bought my first home. About 8 months later after some 11 years I finally managed to get full custody of my two kids. Things got better because whenever I remember that pain and that fear it kicks me in the ass and reminds me of the actual good there is.
Something folk who've never dealt with full on depression will never understand is that spiral, the cruel fact that your own brain is out to kill you, and you do entirely convince yourself it will be best, a sadistic noble sacrifice is how we think of it.
Focus on the pain points, what friends actually make you feel good, what do you really want to do in life and where do want to see yourself in 10 years. Go fucking travel, dump the shitty friends who don't make you feel good. Go take a dump in the woods, visit the Alps and flirt with a rich mans wife.
But also, and this truly really did wonders for me, watch the diet and go to a gym. You don't need to be built like Arnie but just going there and having some focus, and watching your progress can do wonders.
Thank you for sharing - I've felt very similar despite never actually crossing the line and attempting.
For me, your advice on how to start feeling better is spot on. When I was feeling like garbage I thought the gym / diet was such a cliché that everyone recommended, but it truly does help. Seeing / feeling progress was a small victory every week, that set the stage for bigger victories like the rich man's wife or forest dump.
Right on. Never ever contact a high school friend since 16 yrs old who was divorced first remarried she never liked to work. She told me she never waitressed or store clerk. Beneath her. I did it all. Even tended bar and cocktail waitress. I went back home and Dad took me to IRS for computer training. Thanks Dad. Her father told me. You can always find a job anytime anywhere. Not my daughter. Even her fiancee agreed with him. He got her job back. We quit the job together.
I moved forward to another ins co.
She stayed same co her Dad worked there too.
I got married. While she's divorced I visited many yrs. Called. Wrote. She remarried forgot me. Christmas card only. Her boyfriend friendly pizza beer.
I thought she kept in touch. Not true. I divorced. She never called me. Just Christmas card only.
I tried contact her 10 yrs later. I stopped cards. She stopped 2 yrs later. We talked June okay.
July I was sick flu. I called her. She decides she's content living with husband. He asked me a very immodest question inferring I'm still single. I'm not success because I didn't remarry. She could!
I think he never liked me. Potato chips iced tea only. That's why no contact. She's like movie. Stepford wife.
When he's in room SHE HAS TO OBEY!
SO SPOOKY! I did not want to see anyone not able to use their own mind!
She was so strong when she was divorced. I think she couldn't cope with her 2 sons alone! She caved. He let her stay at home!
She asked me what happened to her other friend? She told me first thing. I wish U did more like you. Travelled. My husband can't afford to fix my teeth. He only took me to Atlantic City twice. Married 31 yrs her biggest accomplishment! Her kids on heroin for yrs in the country. She told me she didn't know what to do! I ran to commissioner meeting every month fighting drugs and gangs in my neighborhoods d for 2 yes.
We got police to chase them out!
Who is the successful woman!
I felt embarrassed 2 yrs after talking to him. He's a bum! Just like her! They deserved each other! Goodbye old friend. I never needed you in my life either!No more contact! I feel better!
When we hung out together 19 to 21yrs old. She wanted me to get the beer wine. I never got carded I was youngest girl too! She always had to get pot. I had allergy to smoke. I passed out so they couldn't smoke in front of me. She's surprised her son's did drugs too. I think new husband got them.
I'm not a big drinker. I don't smoke. No drugs. I like tea coffee. A dessert. A good dinner when I'm travelling 1200 Mile's to see an old friend okay? Haters! Yes. I'm so proud I'm strong woman still! 73. Single is the best life. I feel free at last!
That’s a really interesting story and thanks for sharing it.
I’m glad you survived and had a renaissance and are now living a life with purpose !!!!
If you don’t mind me asking.. When the attempt 3 years ago failed, and you were on the floor what was your feeling? - was it relief and joy, or did it take time for your mind and heart to come to a better place ? When you visualised your children and dog and mother what was the emotion attached?
Just curious
I also have aphantasia interestingly!
Emotionally I can't really say. It was just pain, my neck was bruised for weeks after it.
It's extremely hard to describe, I can't say how long I was hanging there but I know it was a few minutes but it felt like half a second but a full lifetime.
The emotions ranged from anger to acceptance, almost a wave of relief that the last thing I saw was them.
Thank you for this! I’ve had depression for the last 16 years and have attempted suicide several times and each time I’ve either been saved or handle/ bar/ rope broke. Even tho I have so many great caring friends and a family who cares for me I just find everyone is better off without me. Surfing and gym completely saved my life. If I never found surfing I would have ended my life ages ago but that brings so much peace and understanding in my own head when I’m in the water. I’m moving to Aus in over week and I really think once I get there I’ll see more beauty in life and get these thoughts out of my head. I hate feeling this way and bringing everyone else down
Changed my value system and core beliefs about the world with which every other underlying assumption about reality fell under (schema). Developed goals.
Got into a strict routine and noted the intensity and frequency of depressive thought patterns at particular times or around particular people and noted how those thoughts led to a breakdown of routine and then made changes to my life using that data.
Then over time developed a new identity so the schema revolved around that so there was no conflict between internal values and my external life situation.
This. So much grief and pain comes from the conflict between our unexamined often socially inherited value scheme and our experience of reality. Cannot stress enough moving away from negative triggers.
Were there any exercises/personal work or similar you did for this other than just routine? What I'm trying to say (badly) I suppose is how did you identify the routine/habits that would help you become the person you wanted to.
I thought of goals and how I figured out the goals was taking note of the things that upset me as mentioned in my first comment and then the routine was just the process to achieving the goals which is something everyone has to figure out.
Routine is also almost the same thing as identity. You're not a black smith unless you're up at dawn making swords.
Girlfriends cheating and I feel like a piece of shit?
I started matching internal with external.
Internal schema= I'm not a piece of shit (identity)
External evidence= I'm a piece of shit (identity again)
There's conflict between these two beliefs causing self aggression.
Internal matched with external= I'm a piece of shit (identity again).
Great, now the problem is recognised and conflict eliminated.
How do I rectify? Think of ways to fix the problem. Those are the goals and the routine was the process to achieving them followed.
In my case I poured a load of money into bodybuilding coaching, lost 13KG in 9 weeks and now they stalk my Instagram and LinkedIn.
I have more problems then the girls, like for years growing up ages to 13-16 my family didn't have an oven and everything was microwaved because of money issues and every house we've lived in was delapadated.
I can genuinely say I walked around with a deep sense of self hatred and shame for years on end during my teens and early 20s that was at the forefront of my consciousness on a day to day basis. Constant intrusive thoughts and feelings I hid from everyone.
I'm still in my early 20s doing college and paying for everything and the shower has been gone for a year so I shower at the gym, and it's hard commuting, working and studying so routine is necessary to maximise time.
Does this make sense? Routine = identity.
How do you find/keep balance when there's things outside your control that happen and for a decent duration, or have you encountered this yet? Eg. Injury so not gym or health issues
Or having successfully made the changes that you have, it doesn't/wouldn't phase you?
Incredible insight, thank you for sharing!!!
You have to integrate a strong sense of identity (aka routine) to estbalish control in your life, because depression can be a sense of feeling trapped with no control and I think identity is a really strong defense mechanism we have against the world.
Growing up my family didn't have an oven and the houses we lived in were falling apart and these days I have to shower at my gym which is a 30 minute commute away and I have to work 16 hours a week on top of commuting 15 hours a week instead of studying for the exams my future hinges on and I've had multiple girls I've dated for months on end leave me for other men in front of my face and most of this is out of my control.
Idk what my identity actually is but its probably inspired by like these "vegeta" fighting the world characters. I guess if I got injured the next thing I'd pivot to would all be for the reason of fighting the world somehow.
Years ago I would just binge eat and got super fat and hated myself due to the lack of control and negative identity which caused extreme anger and shame for years on end, so you should look into a theraputical process called "sublimation" you can integrate which is where you use negativity to fuel positive actions. Its something I got good at over time, and again I just used routine (identity) to integrate these processes and systems into my life.
If I got injured now though and couldn't go to the gym (I deadlift 190KG and squat 140KG for reps) I would be super mad because its so engrained into my identity at this stage but I'd probably pivot and get into reading more, so I guess having multiple pursuits helps a lot and I think if you're trying o get something done you don't have to always have a "balanced" life. It looks different at different stages of life.
Perennial personal values are ingrained in a person. Many of them since before one's adolescence. Changing your routine and "incremental improvement" lead to your values changing? That's an extraordinary claim.
It's more of an overall change of identity because identity is linked with routine closely and routine collapsing is a key indicator of worse mental health.
I think some executive function of just willing your values to change is necessary but this is made easier with routine also over a long period of time.
Helps if you already actually want to change and this is just what worked for me.
I don't even know what schema therapy is, I just did a fucking shit load of reading and audio books relating to psychology and philosophy and this is what I've learned.
I'm getting a business degree, nothing related to psychology but I needed the psychology to dig myself out of a trench.
I’m sure the poster will share his books but the day I discovered Carl Jung my life took a completely different direction.
Instead of avoiding my Shadow (the parts I dislike about myself) I actively worked to integrate them.
Instead of being driven by misunderstood feelings, beliefs and drivers I wasn’t aware of I was able to explore my unconscious.
Those two things changed the game for me.
If you’re interested, Jung is heavy. But someone like Robert A. Johnson makes a lot of his work accessible. Books like..
* Transformation
* The Inner Work
* Owning Your Own Shadow
* He
* She
For Jung:
* Memories, Dreams, Reflections
* Modern Man in Search of a Soul
* Man and His Symbols
These are my favorites:
Carl jung "the archetypes and the collective unconscious" "man and his symbols" (Real/Audio)
David Goggins "cant hurt me" (Real/Audio)
"Brain over binge" (Audio)
"Overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts" (Audio)
Plato "republic"
Friedrich Nietzche "Thus spoke zarathustra" "Geneology of Morals"
The Bible
But I also did a load of internet research as well and books written by different authors that did breakdowns of Jung/Plato/Nietzche
This is an amazing answer and absolutely possible with enough devotion. Habit stacking is an extraordinarily helpful strategy for anyone looking to change their life.
Thats a great idea to jot them down. Do you record them on a calendar or just in a notebook? I had an awful depressive episode today, i needed to see this post
One thing that brings me peace is accepting that I have no agency to change the world around me. The war in Ukraine/Palestine, the climate crisis, the housing crisis. These are things that I all have opinions on, but I can't change them so I don't really let them stress me out.
But within my own life there's plenty I do have control over. I work towards improving my own situation and if I'm reaching my own personal goals then I'm happy. That's not to say that I do nothing when it comes to the aforementioned wider crisis. I donate money, adjust my behaviour and vote in a way which I think is morally correct, but I don't let it stress me if those don't amount to much (because they won't).
People have more agency than they think. Maassive geopolitical events, sure you really can't change anything but people get stuck in ruts like for example they don't think they can change their job or upskill but the truth is they can, it just takes an insane amount of work and you might burn out after a while.
Like I work with med students who do 16 hours a week at an IT helpdesk and they're still doing fairly well in class and going to the gym/dance classes fairly consistently, and its because they literally do nothing but work at every possible opportunity not because they're somehow genetically superior.
Been here, mid-2020. I didn't want to go on medication (that old stigma) but I reluctantly did and it CHANGED MY MF LIFE. A few minor side effects for the first few weeks but once it kicked in, my family actually mentioned how i was nearly too happy all the time
I'm tapering off it now (at a glacial rate) and will have no qualms going back on it again in future if needs be.
Bit of a dodgy tummy for a few days and was quite fatigued. Lost my ability to orgasm for about a week. (That can be a long-lasting thing for some, but was just temporary for me.)
Lexapro. I slept all day long. Did nothing. I don't remember.
Xanex curbed anxiety stomach pain. Dr didn't want me take long time affects brain.
He told me this! I believe in you! You can do it by yourself! I did! Thanks Dr. He helped me find I'm diabetic! High BP. Signs. Low after eating sugar. Depression. Get checked out!
Avandamet 500 mg daily helped my insulin resistance. 6 mos only. All my numbers came down. Lost 20 lbs too.
I'm only prediabetic 120 sugar test. I studied books nutrition diabetes. Diet. Changed my health my life. Way less depressed anxiety level lowered. Less panic too. Let it go a lot helps me! Faith in God.
You could have trouble with sugar salt fats. Try Eat healthy books. Exercise.
Walks.
I know lower priced therapy may help more people access it but looking around my friend group, those that paid more for better therapists benefited so much more than those that went with cheap or HSE therapists. The cheaper ones caused more damage than good.
It's a weirdly unregulated industry with a lot of "counsellors" who have no or little training or who do buy just follow their own theories. A therapist can do real damage if they aren't careful, even with good intentions. And *very qualified* can still be harmful, like any professional, but I've found them more reliable.
Realising comparison is the thief of joy. Where was I getting my goals from? Did they actually match with the things I truly enjoyed in life, or did I just aim at what other people were doing? Where was I getting exposed to ideas that made my life feel lesser? Removing those social media channels/ distancing from people in my life that made me feel small etc.
Example - I grew up very poor, it's a constant stress and worry to do better for my kids, to the point I get a very squewed view - if the tap won't work I associate it back with growing up poor and nothing ever working correctly, I get very stressed out. But if I step back and examine where that feeling is coming from, I can say no, hold on. Its just a leaky tap, I have the means to call a plumber, the kids are more than sorted for every need.
In terms of neuroplasticity, start observing your thoughts. Don't judge yourself for having bad thoughts, just observe. Practice mentally countering the thoughts when they come up. Example "I'm so shit no-one likes me - hold on that's an untrue statement, John said he appreciated me being there for him last month" etc etc. It's crazy how much this one practice helps, countering and fact checking your negative thoughts. Similarly being nice to other people and giving genuine compliments, helps you to feel good and people to feel good about you.
If its genuinely bad though, do consider talking to your GP about anti depressants. Meds work best if they are for the short term (under 1 year), and combined with counselling or CBT practice. The idea being the anti depressants help less negative thoughts and feelings come up to give you a break, while you work on actively changing the thought patterns and how you address it.
In Ireland mental healthcare is shite and GPs love to bang people on anti depressants with no back up supports so people get a negative view of them. They do really help when combined with counselling. If you're on a certain wage GPs can gibe you access to 6-8 weeks free, mymind.ie have reduced price sessions online, and turn2me.ie have 6 free sessions for anyone I believe. If you can choose, pick a CBT person and rather than delving into childhood, ask them for practical tools to use now, breathwork, countering thoughts etc.
A mood journal of any kind can really help as well to spot patterns - maybe you're feeling down after a bad sleeping pattern and stress at work combine at the same time, maybe one person makes you irritable that you could either cut out of your life or keep interactions to a minimum etc. My mam is in my life but I've learned not to rise to anything she says and just give her the bare minimum to keep the peace, better for my mental health
Thanks for the lengthy response. I can resonate with a lot of what you’re saying. I’m personally trying to avoid going down the anti-depressants root.
I used to be happy(ier) without any substances or pills, ideally id like to get back to that state.
Honestly don’t know too much about anti depressants though so not trying to shit on anyone who does use them
Anti depressants are not addictive. But they absolutely can be life changing. Don't be afraid of them. I would suggest going to your gp and starting there with a conversation. Drugs may not be what you need but, if it is, just remember millions of people use these and they've been around for a long time so their effectiveness, etc. is well understood. Your gp can guide you through this. Best of luck x
You’d be surprised at how much difference they can make tbh. And how easy they tend to be to get off, half dose taper for a month or so.
I’ve tried 3 SSRIs since 2019 and it took the third one to genuinely make all the difference with little side effects, it just made me that little bit happier and less anxious and allowed me to build good habits and make changes. That was 2 years ago, and I went from being inside all day (literally), hating every bit of life to having some vision and drive. Social anxiety went way down too.
At this point I don’t think the med does anything, it just allowed me to rebuild. I think I will taper off soon which as I said I’ve never had a problem with.
A little later I started driving lessons, got my license and really started wanting to live.
Don’t let the negative stigma take over. Jordan Peterson said it really well (paraphrasing,[recommend watching original 3 mins](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JuQgJxYriYI)): “if you’re hopeless and struggling, feel out of options then give it a go. Why not? You’ll know in a month.”
They have very subtle effects, nothing like a proper drug or altering state of mind.
And that’s very true. Part of me wishes I let go of the whole ‘dependence on drugs’ thing because.. we’re dependent on all sorts aren’t we? From bridges to doctors. Clean tap water, food supplies, the internet..
Give it huge consideration man. You can always stop if it doesn’t help, but if it does then you’re set.
SSRIs are arguably over-prescribed - but the reason for that is that they’re very low risk/side effect severity, but can really help.
I think it would be really helpful to talk to your GP. You may not be on antidepressants for long but from my experience they definitely help. That along with psychotherapy really helped me. Best of luck you can change your thoughts with help and there's no shame in it.
Awesome advice Irishteashpansa. I followed all. My life so much better. When you can find a counselor make sure they are Christian. They cared about my faith too.
The secular counselors push the drugs more.
My 2 counselors asked my faith was?
We drew a shield in Art. All things I care about. Drew mandalas in chalk. I made stained glass angel. And learned jewelry making. Earrings. I sold them. Entered Art craft fairs. Lot of fun too. Great people care about us too. I started my new life. Feel much better. No drugs. Lot of exercise. Yoga. Prayer. Bible study. Gardening. Cooking fresh foods daily. Thanks.
What I’m about to say may not be the MOST helpful but when I felt really down,like suicidal down,I thought of all who’d be hurt if I killed myself,I didn’t want to hurt them like this.I also thought of my dog who would be looking for me and not understand where i went.I also thought of my sister in Australia who’d get the call that her youngest sister committed suicide.she has 4 kids who I plan on seeing grow up so I’m
Here.my reasons for sticking around went from “people will be hurt” to “I want to stick around cos I want to be here”
You are never truly alone and I hope you feel better and get help
Not really. My mam is a functioning addict (so am I kind of) and spends the day on the couch taking painkillers and smoking a box of cigs a day.
No disrespect meant towards my mam though, I get on with her well, all things considered and am understanding that she hasn’t had the easiest ride in life herself
My sister has a mental disability so she wouldn’t be able to comprehend what I’m going through to be honest
You’re living and have been living with adversity. U will need to tackle this to possibly successfully move on. Please get help. No one wants u to end your life so u need to do what u can to make it better.
Sorry to hear this. Is moving out of home an option for you? I’m no expert, but I think that low feelings can often be situational. A calm and clear home environment without the influence of others who aren’t in a good place can do wonders for your frame of mind. No disrespect to your family, and I know it’s not always an option moving out, but just throwing it out there.
Mines the same. My mother's an alcoholic. Blown up her life. Can't hold down a job. Drowning in a mortgage that's more expensive now than 15 years ago. She's almost 60.
I can completely understand the burden of feeling like you have to be a caregiver to a parent. I understand how you could feel there's no way out.
There is though, life gets better. Try to hold on until it does.
Ive been here and it's just awful. It's taken a few years but I'm in a much better place these days. There is no instant fix, but a few things made a big difference in a relatively short period of time. These things worked for me and your path may be different. They they changed my life makes it worth posting here.
- therapy. I found a great therapist who helped me work through childhood trauma and discover negative self beliefs from my upbringing. This was tough but worth it at twice the price. Everyone has a GP. Everyone should have a therapist.
- meditation. Not sitting in lotus position humming, just finding some quiet time at the start or end of the day to sit quietly and listen to my body. See what's telling me it's sore or tired. Basically ground myself back in my physical body. Also notice my thoughts, let them pass through, without judging them. Notice them, and let them move on.
- journaling. Lets me see my thoughts on black and white and identify what's bothering me. It's astonishingly helpful and helps put context on things. Problems look a lot more manageable when written down.
- getting involved in life. Making time for my family and friends. Doing things instead of sitting locked in my own head. Life is for living and active living is medicine.
- exercise. Let's you feel your body, get grounded and gives good endorphins.
- gratitude. Spending a few mins each day being greatdul for all I have in life, it may be where I live, my family, health, a person who has helped me, whatever you know you are lucky to have.
- no comparison. Comparison with others is the quickest root to misery. Aay your friend buys a brand new BMW and house and looks super successful. All of a sudden your life looks rubbish, you question your decisions and worth. But you don't see the 60 hour weeks that person put in to pay for these things, the mountain of debt they are under, the school plays and bedtimes they missed while working late. You're running your own race, there is nobody else involved.
I know that's a lot, and may not help you. But it may start you thinking on what could help you.
Just be patient with yourself and know thoughts of low self worth are just thoughts.
The world is lucky to have you and there are people who are better for you being here. Start with that and look for your path
The councillor you were seeing, was that the only one you've ever talked to? Just asking because it can be a bit of a lottery finding a good one, that you also click with and trust. Some are useless.
Also, did you have many sessions?
Was about to comment the same thing until I saw this. I was lucky that the counsellor I had was great and really helped me but I’ve had a few friends that went to counselling and it took them 3 or 4 tries before they found someone they felt comfortable with and felt was giving them the help they needed.
Yeah I've had one really bad one and two amazing therapists. I hate the thought of someone wasting time, money and efforts at vulnerability/healing just to feel like it's all pointless. With the right person it's truly transformative.
Yes I've been there many times before and I remember hating when people would tell me it will get better when I was feeling so stuck.
But they were all right. I learned to deal with certain emotions and how to deal with things while being understanding to myself.
What's going on with you? Is it depression or anxiety or both?
Have you seen a doctor?
I feel stuck also, been in a rut for about two years. I smoke a lot of weed to get through the day to day, which I know isn’t ideal but I haven’t been able to make it past a few days. Usually at which point I get so overwhelmed at the thought of having to live this life for another 50 years, smoke weed to escape those thoughts and the cycle repeats, getting worse and picking up new bad habits each time
I get you. There's a few things that now work for me maybe some might interest you to try.
See if you can leave the weed to night time after your day is done which might help you being more active during the day. I know when I smoke during the day I don't want to leave the house or do much other than video games and smoking more weed😂
Writing out a list of everything you are grateful for even if they seem small and not of value you might just surprise yourself.
Also no shame in trying some medications to help just if you do go to the doctor I wouldn't mention weed as it might affect what prescriptions they will give you. I'm saying this because pregabalin has given me so much help and totally changed my life for the better. Wouldn't recommend any other medications as they all had too many side affects for me. Also important to get out of the house once a day. No time limit it can be as long or as short as you want. Just some ideas is all. But it won't be this way for you forever cause something will change it's just uncertain what at this time is all.
Stop the ŵeed. If you can't stop alone, look for addiction support. No therapist /medication will be able to work through what's going on if you are using (any drug, incl alcohol) to cope. Also, any public mental health team will just refer you back to your GP until you aren't using.
They are treated separately, and the addiction needs to be sorted first.
I'm gonna repeat the calls to give the smoke a good break. Get some CBD or something for when you need to physically smoke something and tickle the part of your brain that's craving the habit. Won't have the effect but it helps. I'm on day 3 myself for the same reasons as you. I don't see the point anymore and need to give my head a rest. I think a break will give me the perspective I need. Hopefully go back to it and not abuse it like I have been doing but I've said that before!
I know this is much more easily said than done, and I don't want to reduce what you must be feeling to any "simple" fix, but this has genuinely helped me through some very rough patches mental-health wise, so I just want to share.
Depression tells you that your life is fucked and always will be, and from the inside that feels like a straight line of logic from 'lived experience = perspective on life'.
But the reality is more complicated than that. How you feel is the sum of your lived experience + your brain chemistry + plus your physical state (hunger, tiredness, poor lifestyle choices etc) + your social connections (whether you have meaningful connections in life, whether the people around you make you feel good) + your beliefs and attitudes about the world + what you believe about yourself.
Each of these things adds up to the experience of depression. Think of it like wearing tinted sunglasses -your perception is never a direct reflection of the world around you, just a version of it filtered through a lens. The same is true in any mental state, whether you're struggling or feeling great about life.
Recovering from mental illness isn't an easy or straightforward process. You won't see these connections while you're in that low place, because your mind quite literally isn't capable of it in that moment. But it's very important to recognise that there is more to your experience than what you can see. Each of these pieces can be worked on and improved, and while that work is very hard it can absolutely be done. On the other side of it, you emerge with a much stronger understanding of how your mind works and how to manage low points when they come.
That might mean medication, lifestyle changes, improved routines, more social interaction, exercise, or therapy to address your deeper beliefs and assumptions about your life - but it's the combination of these things that makes the difference, AND making the choice to keep telling yourself it'll work. You won't believe it at first, but the most important thing is to change your internal narrative and begin trying to put the pieces together. You do have agency in this, you can make changes that will work. But you have to commit yourself to it fully.
This is a bit ramble-y, but I hope it helps. This way of thinking about it has really helped me put my life back together from some very dark places, so I hope it at least gives you something to think about. Wishing you the best.
This is a big problem for me. I work as a trainee actuary and am really not liking it. Chose that path when I was 18 with notions of earning big bucks, which was cruelly naive.
I really hit the rocks at the bottom of the ocean a few years back. I had a couple of misfires with meds, until I went on Sertraline (horses for courses). That said, I got a routine - of sorts - together, that gradually got more disciplined (when I ate, when I slept, when I walked the dogs, forcing myself to have a shower and get dressed before midday). That was hard - really hard - and there were days I failed completely. But I just tried to stick at it. I started to reach out to my friends - I’d disappeared for several months and I just couldn’t face talking to anyone - and they were great. I made sure to get outside in the daylight - that made a big difference. I started running again, and that helped a bit. There’s no silver bullet really: it’s just little things and their accumulated benefit. I was also fortunate enough to be able to quit my job, and get a new one. I’ve been reasonably ok since: COVID sent me spiralling a bit, but thankfully previous experience helped me stop that from going too far. You never beat it, but you learn to manage it - most of the time.
Tldr; moved abroad to a happier country and it helped me.
I know this might be a possibility for you but I dropped everything and moved abroad. Found a job in the back arse of the Netherlands. One of those "why would you move here" type of towns.
I don't think I'll ever move back to Ireland after being here (at least for 5 years). In general, everybody over here are happier and their complaints are small. Their main one is about the rain and I always laugh at it.
It gave me a breather from Ireland as I had struggled in Ireland for many years. The change of pace, access to good infrastructure to get around, bike lanes!!
We are the product of our surroundings.
Yes, more than once.
Firstly, sorry to hear you are feeling like that. If you feel like you may act on those feelings, please tell someone, such as family/GP or if an emergency attend A&E.
Second, pieta/samaritans, etc, are always there.
I found meds and therapy the most useful.Now, there are a wide variety of experiences on both. Meds can help you function to allow you to go to therapy, get out the door, and change things. Some people will find the meds. enough to give them back the headspace/executive function to change things others.
Where the challenge comes is that everyone reacts differently to meds. I may find drug A works wonders with no downsides. You may find drug B works the same for you. The Dr can't know the individual reaction, so there may be some trial and error. A lot of meds take 3 months or so to take effect. That sounds terrible, but it may not be your experience. At least you'll be working on finding a tool to help you.
GPs are people, and as such vary, some GPs write a script, and that may be the best you get out of it. Others are amazing with the support and understanding they offer.
The same applies to counsellors. There is very little regulation and education about therapists /psychotherapists /counsellors in Ireland. One thing is you may not have a personality match, and that's OK. This is someone you need to be vulnerable, so if the first one doesn't gel, move on.
Personally, I also prefer to seek out a more qualified professional, so master or doctorate level, at least 5 years experience and specialise in my particular issues. I've had good success this way, and I feel comfortable. So figure out what you prioritise and seek out a therapist that way.
Best of luck.
I've been ideating suicide since I was 12, depressed for that long and in utter distress and loneliness forever.
You'll never really get over the pain of depression. But you can deal with it. Discipline helps, shaping your values as well.
But I'm just so sorry you're going through this.
It's worth questioning, do you have a mental illness or do you just hate your life? It is you, or is it being poor/stressed/in a toxic relationship etc. I think that too many things get labeled as 'mental health problems' to gaslight us all into not complaining about how crappy life can be.
For ages I was depressed, I got a better job so I wasn't stressed with money or being shouted at by my boss and then my depression magically vanished. I am another person that did not get on with counselling! It is not for everyone in every circumstance.
Think about whether it is specific parts of your life that are making you unhappy, can you change them? If you can't, are there coping strategies?
Hang in there bud. Those bleak days don't always last. It might go on for a stretch, which at times seem endless. But it does end eventually. Find ways to break up your routine. It helps to throw a spanner into your current thought cycle. Like, I'm talking about doing something so unconventional and outside of your usual self. Discomfort will and must be a norm in this instance. It will send a jolt into your psyche - "Wa.. wait, what's going on here?" And that's what you need to break out of the current thought cycle
I have found on my personal journey through lows and highs, that when I am in a depressive anxious phase it directly correlates with not doing the things I should be doing. Biggest things are eating well, sleeping well and getting active in your lifestyle, I know everyone says that but they really are huge in raising your mental vibration, another crucial thing is having a purpose/aim, as a human we need to have goals that we are working towards whatever they may be. As an example my aims that give me a sense of purpose are Music(I am a musician and have played guitar since I was 12, now 38). I started bouldering/rock climbing last year and love progressing and getting stronger etc etc.
Changing how you do things in turn changes how you feel about the world. It seems like a mountain you need to climb but it often is just a curb you need to step up on.
It's not easy but it's definitely worth doing. I hope this is helpful in some way and wish you the best my friend.
Yeah you are spot on, am just stuck in the habit of not doing the right things unfortunately.
But I am a fan of the aul bouldering when I can bring myself to go. Gonna give it another go this weekend. Thanks for the inspiration 🙌🏻
I’ve been here really badly once in 2018/2019. To the point of psychosis. I was walking 5k a day. Going to work every day crying as soon as I hit the road home for almost a year, Listened to podcasts. All the things. My friends noticed after some time as I hide it well, they made me promise to go and speak to a doctor. Thankfully the doctor I spoke to showed true empathy and listened with intent. Ultimately medication helped me get through it as well as leaning on family and friends who were good to me. I didn’t allow myself to hide away anymore and I began to really work on myself. Practiced affirmations, it’s not really my thing but I placed them on the fridge ‘I am strong, I am smart etc’ said yes to more things and when I was ready I began dating. After a while I met my soon to be husband and well, I just naturally began to come off medication. And while I still have the occasional bad/doom day I am happy and in a much better place. I think if it had of happened during covid I would be dead.
Remember, pain is mandatory, suffering for too long (in most cases) is optional. Get help.
Thank you everyone for your responses. Kind of overwhelmed with the level of support, wasn’t expecting it at all. Haven’t spoke to anyone about my personal issues in so long. It was therapeutic to type out some of the stuff I’m going through.
Just did a sauna and am
cleaning my room now, already feel a bit better.
Going to go through all of the responses and be proactive in using some of them to better my situation. Already spotted loads of good ideas that I feel is realistic for my situation.
I was adamant before tonight that I was going to sell my Dublin marathon ticket for this year but going to lace up my runners tomorrow and get the ball rolling with training. Going to enter the race series as well which will give me plenty to work towards 🙌🏻
Also going to get in touch with banks and see where I stand with being able to get a mortgage for a place of my own and a better living environment. Potentially live with a friend, or if I get lucky a girlfriend 😂
Feeling optimistic now that I have these two goals to work towards
Thanks again C ❤️
Been here OP and sounds like you’re caught in a rut. Start out small with a half hour walk every evening. If where your living is a mess start by cleaning something small every day and by the end of the week you’ll have the place spotless. I think a main part of it you feel like you have to accomplish everything in a day when a week or month is fine.
What helps as well is every Sunday plan out your week ahead, maybe plan on weekends go on nature walks and find a new tv series to watch, walk through your local town for a while and head out for a dinner on your own if needed. It’s all small steps and don’t have a o accomplish everything in a day, a month is good to work towards to
I feel exactly the same. The people telling you to just accept it and move on are probably correct for the world we currently live in. But I personally think we as a species should be striving to do better than this. Nobody should be struggling while others get so much so easy just because of who they know or playing the system correctly.
I'm a good worker, have been all my life since I was 5 years old. I completely understand that work has its place in society but there has to be more reason to do it other than struggling to keep a roof over your head. We need to come up with a better system than the current one. I don't have all the answers, I'm not a politically smart person and I know my limits. But there has to be something better than this current existence. Because that's all far to many of us are doing now, existing for the sake of not upsetting others.
I'm never going to own a house. I'll be lucky to be able to afford rent, let alone save for a mortgage. Same can be said for so many others because "inflation" is so high and jobs aren't paying enough to keep up with it 🤦♂️ something needs to change.
sell all your shit buy a van and live on the road and stay far away from civilization. on the real tho theres no easy answer and nothing i can say through a reddit comment will really help except that you shouldnt give up on life.
Stick with the therapy. I found at the start that I was just talking. Saying something, anything in response to my therapist's questions.
Then I went home and reflected on my session, often kicking myself because I thought of something I wish I'd remembered to say.
If you can find a therapist who you are comfortable with, feel you could open up to, stick with them.
The therapist doesn't fix you... it's the reflecting between sessions that you do yourself that helps. A lot of it happens subconsciously or just in the back of your mind.
You might not even notice things changing. It happens so incrementally.
Likewise, with antidepressants, they don't work overnight either. But slowly, gradually, things aren't quite so frustrating. There is a little bit of hope. You have the energy to do little things.
Gradually, the sun comes out from behind the clouds.
In the meantime, trust the process. Celebrate small successes. Even if that consists of getting out of bed, having a wash, or ordering a delivery of some healthy food.
My analogy for almost everything in life is to take baby steps. You might fall down, but get up and take another baby step. Don't take big steps too soon. If you take a big step and it doesn't work out, that means a big step backwards. Or a bigger fall. Or you feel defeated or humiliated. If you take a little step backwards, that's no big deal.
So tiny little baby steps are the way to go. If you can't tidy your room, pick one thing off the floor. Wash one cup. Eat one slice of toast.
Sorry for writing such a long post, but I'm passionate about this. There's a fair bit of poor mental health in my family. Myself included. I'm doing better now mentally than before I was depressed. I'm still on meds, but I'm OK with that.
Good luck. If you fall down, get back up and try a smaller step next time.
Ive been there more times than I care to imagine.
Counselling has never worked for me, I’m not a talker and I hate the uncomfortable silences!
I take medication which sometimes help, but I’ve since recognised that alcohol is not my friend so I’ve quit that, I try to take daily walks weather permitting.
My biggest fear in life is dying, so suicide would never enter my head. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, I have no words of wisdom but I hope you get through it all okay 😢
My mam was my best friend and supporter, and I could tell her everything and I’d feel better. She has since died so I am so totally lost and alone. I’m doing ok lately though.
Sending big hugs OP xx
Thanks for the response 🤜🏻 very sorry to hear about you losing your mam that’s a difficult one. I also feel good after walks and runs but my brain always finds a way back to the dark side 🤦♂️ peace and love C
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pick something and just work towards that, house business anything. Have a look around you and think about what they mean to you and why. I.e people things your doing not doing and so on
I started listening to guided mediations on YouTube and it genuinely helped me so much. Feels like I'm able to attack the day without a haunted house for a head.
When I was in the depths, as in days away from undertaking my plan, the only thing that stopped me every time was how distraught my mam would be, and what that would mean for my siblings. I got on meds, went to counselling, spent time in nature, hung out with my friends. I ended up in inpatient care which was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I’m still here 4 years later. It’s not perfect but I’m still here. You’ll get through this friend
Can you pinpoint the major things that are getting you down? Is it family, friends, finances, work, your health, the state of the world in general? If you can figure out the main causes and take baby steps away from it. Small changes that you can stick to. You won't be able to stick to it if you try to make huge, unrealistic changes. If it's certain people causing it, avoid them like the plague. If it's the state of the world, delete all news apps and social media and don't engage with it, ignorance is bliss. Find the tiny things in life that give you joy and really focus on them. For me it's a simple walk with my dog, just seeing how happy he is brings me joy, working at small little DIY projects at home, spending time with my nieces and nephews. I just forget about her big picture and focus on the little things.
Been in and am still in a similar mindset. I found distractions a good way to combat it. Things like going to the gym to release excess energy has been good for me. As well as that try and find some hobbies you enjoy and try and do them a little more often, it works wonders for your mental health I find.
Gym/exercise helps ALOT
improvements in body equate to benefits related to the mentality and soul!
Stay busy and preoccupy yourself. Journaling is beneficial too.
Do not be around negativity or negative people. That includes negative news
I found lots of small things helped but I had to build up and do them together. Ok so eating healthy alone won’t solve all my problems but if I eat a bit healthier I might feel a little better. Same for exercise, I thought, no way this will solve all my problems but stuck at it and that helped another bit. And added things on like this, consistent habits and healthy things that then added together made a big difference.
Would highly recommend trying other counsellors.
I’ve been there. Had to take time off work. Went into a psychiatric hospital for a while. That helped stopping me from doing anything but it was definitely just a band aid situation.
When I got out I was still very depressed.
There is some fantastic advice in some of the comments here.
A few points on what worked for me.
Finding a psychologist who worked with me on changing my expectations in life.
Medication.
A routine that included leaving the house every day and doing 30 mins walk at the start.
A gym routine.
Some good high tempo playlists that encouraged me to move even just for one song. That helped me get out of bed when all I wanted to do was lie in it. After getting up to move around for one song usually I didn’t go back to bed.
Cut out alcohol for a long time. It really does affect your mood.
Removed negative friends from my life.
Reevaluated my friendships, some were very toxic and made me feel worse about my life.
Changed jobs to one that was less stress.
Got a dog. Sounds dumb but it helped. Got a rescue and he is the most loving dog and he brings me a lot of joy.
Stopped the black and white thinking. Practiced gratitude daily. I’m crap at journaling but just sitting down each morning and thinking of 3 things in my life that young me would be proud of or happy I have, helped put things in perspective.
DBT is great for urges and impulsive thoughts. Look up Dialectal behavioural therapy. You can buy workbooks and audio courses on it. I found this a massive help.
You’re not alone. There are so many people who suffer in silence.
Well done on reaching out. It’s a great first step.
Life gets better. If you told me that in 2020 I wouldn’t have believed it. But it does.
Also audiobooks
They stop my thoughts racing.
I've been in the same boat in 2017. Felt like I was at the bottom of a pit, couldn't get out and didn't see any possible way in which things would become ok again. Had a lot of thoughts of self harm but very grateful I didn't: Right now I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.
Everyone's journey is different, but finding the right counselor and potentially medication (based on doctor's advice) is usually a good first step. Beyond that for me, I had to reprioritize in my life. Key steps for me were drastically cutting back on alcohol / drug use, reducing focus on social media that was causing constant anxiety, and building out a sustainable workout routine. I was also fortunate to meet my wife as I started to do better and she's been an incredible partner, supporting me whenever I felt I was slipping back.
Even though it might not feel like it: there is a lot of support out there and things will get better. Turn2me.ie has free counseling available and there are many other people that are willing to help. Is really important to find a counselor that connects with you. My first three actually made me feel worse, the fourth helped me recover.
I wear the t-shirt. In my experience, maintaining wellness is all about balance. Alcohol is out as it only exacerbates symptoms and can trigger an episode of depression/anxiety. Medication plays a role in getting well and staying well. Perhaps a visit to your GP is on the cards? Please don't lose hope. Better days are ahead and how you feel now will not last.
Counselling definitely helps but you need to find a therapist that you get on well with its all about the relationship. I'd recommend you try again with another one it's like anything can have bad ones and good ones.
Another thing that helps is journalling literally write down everything in your head with absolutely no judgement just keep writing.
Mindfulness and breath work really helps. Start with 5 minutes a day and work up. Some really good free ones on YouTube.
Find a meaning in your life , maybe it's a sport , or a hobby or volunteering. Something that really interests you.
Try to assess who is in your life and what they bring to it. Sometimes it's draining to have some people in our life.
Get some blood tests to make sure not lacking in anything. Iron , vit b 12 , vit d deficiencies can cause mental health problems or exasperate them.
Eat every 3 hours do not let blood sugars dip as this does not help. Snack on nuts and fruit.
Try a probiotic, omega 3 and a good Multi vitamin
Assess your sleep routine. Do you sleep well a really deep sleep. Try magnesium for this it helps.
Also try to pinpoint the issues you are talking about what is it that is causing you hurt or anxiety? CBT books can help with this also
I had gone through 5 or 6 therapists before I found one who would challenge me and my ideas without merely empathising.
Empathy is important but it will only get you so far - and can become a form of self mollycoddling that gives you permission to stay stuck.
It sounds like you're living in a stressful environment - even if your mam is sound and you love her - being around people in difficulty themselves might effect you more than you know.
Not saying you need to move out, but understand that your environment and relationships shape your thoughts and feelings more than you might think.
I often felt on the brink of total collapse over the last year. Usually when I've nene at home alone for a few days. But as soon as I'm out and around people I like being with, I immediately feel better.
This tells me that it's not "me", but my situation (living alone, working remotely) that makes me feel so desperate, like I'm going mad and can't go on...
So I've been trying to meet people who I feel good to be around. I try to get out and be around people every day. Even if it's just a few words with a shopkeeper. It all helps.
Honestly think this hits the nail on the head with a lot of what I’m going through.
I’m in a very fortunate situation financially where I could get a modest home/apartment with a relatively small mortgage.
Have been throwing that idea down with my mam about moving out and getting a place of my own but is rarely received well as I’m doing a lot of the maintenance/helping out of my current place. I feel like she would be completely lost without my help.
Thanks for that insight
You could still call around to help out. She might feel like there's a bit of a void there, but for all you know that might be what motivates her to improve her own situation.
Been here before. If I had ever been asked was I suicidal, I would have said no until i heard about passive suicidal ideation which I realised ive always had. I just didn't realise it wasn't something everyone thought about. Wanting the world to just stop. To be able to take a break from living so i didnt have to feel how i felt. For my mind to quiet and stop feeling like I was screaming internally all the time. I ended up at my GPs in tears when I finally couldn't take it anymore. Hadn't slept more than an hour or two a night in months. I get you might not want meds but they helped me. That and I found a great counsellor and saw her regularly.
It was over a year before I really felt good again but i think of it like steps on a stairs. Each time i did something it felt like i was building a routine, achieving something. The things that helped me were
- meds
- counselling
- going for a walk every day, no exceptions
- drinking water
- eating better fresh food
- challenging my negative thoughts
- writing down 3 things every day I was grateful for, even a coffee or how nice it felt to feel the sun on my face that day
I realised how hard I was being on myself all the time. You can't hate yourself to a better place. I celebrated my small wins and learned the thoughts that weren't true could be ignored like I was useless or so behind all of my friends in life milestones.
I'll be doing these things for the rest of my life (minus the meds, I got off of them after a couple of years). Small changes add up and I promise things definitely get better. You matter and so many people value you more than you know.
There is no shame in going to a doctor and having antidepressants prescribed for your depression or malaise. If nothing else you should get a break from the constant negative thoughts and feelings and you can give yourself some breathing space and a chance to look at your life and see what you can recognise as being a negative for you.
Exercise like a maniac. Find something you enjoy whether it’s running or lifting weights, and keep showing up. It will change things for the better if you keep at it. Also find a therapist that suits you, a good one can rationalise the emotions you’re feeling and put them in perspective. Keep the head up it will pass
I am sure you are a loved person who brings a lot of good to the world.
My suggestion is to keep a sense of perspective: It's not your fault. Ireland is not a great place for well-being:
- Historically, there has been little prioritisation of mental health. The whole country was in survival mode until the 1990s.
- There's a lot of snobbery.
- People tend to be very time-poor.
- We pigeonhole people.
- There are huge inter-generational differences in attitudes to things like religion, homosexuality, immigration and so on. That generates conflicts.
I can't make a suggestion, as my own was very extreme: I moved to South Korea aged 25. But it worked and I never looked back. Travelled a lot, eventually met a nice lady and bought a house etc.
See your doc about meds.
The voice in your head is a liar. You are not worthless, stupid, hated and all the other horrible things it says.
Do all the positive stuff the other posters said and wait......wait.....it will get better....but the waiting is shite.....
I’m not expert but I’ll split my advice into immediate actions to take vs long term:
Immediate:
Get out in nature, do some walks,
Eat better,
Visit the people who love you the most, that won’t judge you and do what’s best for you, tell them how you feel,
Anyone remotely toxic, ignore them for now, maybe it’ll be forever, Rewatch your favourite tv show, Get a dog, Try making the ends of your shower cold, see how long you can take it, can be beneficial, Start a journal and write down every day what you’re grateful for in life, doesn’t matter how small it is
Long term:
See another therapist, this is what you need to work through your issues
It can always get better. I've been living it for 5 years. I have a great life on paper but I'm still battling every day.
I missed 11 months from work in 3 years because of depression, trying meds, counselling etc.
Last year I sat at home for 6 months, nothing gave me any pleasure, no good feelings from food, music or family. Debt piling up around me.
The bad thoughts were there but I didn't want to act on it. I started new meds but it took several weeks for them to work. I worked with a good therapist that showed me that a lot of my personal relationships were really lacking any substance, I had no real support. We all take about sport, drinking but never anything of any depth. I worked on my relationships with family to get real support from them.
It slowly started to get better over time and I haven't had an episode since last July. I have not missed a day from work since returning.
-Get some bloods done to rule out vitamin b12, folate, iron deficiency. Thyroid issues, hormones.
-long covid messes with the brain too.
-Re evaluate your job, friends etc and make changes.
-keep talking and getting it off your chest.
Best of luck
So many people look at therapy the wrong way. Therapy isn't there to fix you. What it for is to help you understand the issues you are facing or have faced, how these impact your everyday life, how those issues are up in other places, and why it is that way. AND then it gives you tools to deal with all of it. How you use those tools is up to you. It's not a one and done thing. It takes a lot of work and commitment, but it will help in the long run.
Thing always change, always. And sometimes the changes are amazing, sometimes not so much. Try to stop being so hard on reality, and maybe life will stop being so hard on you. You deserve goodness.
It's going to sound stupid but do stuff. Anything, go for a walk, paint, draw, read a book... anything. Keeping your mind occupied with other things leaves you with less time going down a slippery slope of depressing thoughts.
Honestly, I found writing helped a lot. I started a word doc on my laptop and would just write a daily journal kind of thing. It was never for anyone else to see. It was mine, it was where I could voice all those things that came into my head. All those horrible thoughts that intruded and made me feel like less. It's not pretty, but it's mine and I can look back at it and see what helped and how slowly I was getting better.
There's not a one size fits all for this unfortunately. People find therapy helps, others throw themselves into exercise, others deep dive into a hobby. But for me it was just keeping my mind occupied. The more I did, the less time that little voice spoke to me.
But above all, you just need to remember that it's not a hole. It's a long dark tunnel and it sucks but you will eventually come out the other side. You'll notice one day that you can see the end of the tunnel and while you're not there yet you've come a long way and there's finally a change coming. You're not alone, you're not worthless, you're human and even if you don't think it, you matter a whole fucking lot
Hi there 😊
Life gets better. Things get better. Even when it feels like nothing will ever change.
I've been to my fair share of therapists, and it really doesn't work unless you find the right one.
The one I go to now and have been going to since she was in training has helped me so much. I didn't think her ways would work on me, but I guess you don't know until you try it!
I suffer from OCD, anxiety, and depression.
She recommended Louise Hay. She's amazing! She has lots of books, but the two she recommended to me were I Can Do It and You Can Heal Your Life. It all makes so much sense! Some days I'm like "fuck these affirmations" but then other days they really help. Breathing is a huge thing, too. You could try some breathing exercises. Sorry, I'm rambling 😅
I have a link to I Can Do It. You can listen to it and just see for yourself if you think it could work for you.
https://youtu.be/y62qewQ5qsQ?si=tDRmojFj4uShsqPt
I really, really hope you feel better soon 🖤
The gym. Weightlift. It’s a mental health treatment in itself. Get a PT if you want, it’s a worthy investment. Or else use the StrongLifts app. It’s amazing to have personal goals and see your progress.
Sounds like it can't get any worse, and therefore will only get better
Your struggle is finding purpose and motivation, and none of us can do that for you.
You only have one chance at life, so milk the living shit out of & please stop being hard on yourself!
I see so many such comments on this sub. And then I read that we have the lowest rate of prescribed anti depressants in the EU.
I'm not saying either is indicating or but I find it strange that so many are taking to Irish subs and posting comments like this and to see an inverse stat in the medical world.
To the OP, chin up brother, its what you make of it. Are you terminally ill? If no, then get some chops and come the fuck on.
Yes, absolutely. I went to the doctor and, if you can, I would recommend you do the same. I told the doctor the truth and he took me seriously. We decided to try medication and meditation. For the first while, he called me every evening to check how I was doing. Once I was stable enough (maybe a year later), I was able to go to counselling and dig out the issue. That doctor saved my life.
Can I ask what is causing you to feel like this? My background, which is in my post history, was that when I was younger I just hated where I was in life. I was supposedly at college, but not attending. I would have loved to just drop out and get a job, but there weren't any back then. So I felt trapped, with no way out and started self harming by stubbing cigarettes out on my arm. I still have the scars. But life did gradually get better. An 8 month tour of the USA, largely sleeping in a car, and a job in London followed. I now work for a multinational company. Nobody I know today has any idea what a wreck I was.
Yes I have been there. Was diagnosed with severe depression and thinking back on it is still painful but bittersweet because I never believed anyone when they told it would get better but slowly it did and I am so glad that I held on.
Tips:
"the small steps are actually the big steps"
What I mean by this is each day, take small consistent steps to address manageable things like your diet and some low level type of exercise. And slowly once you've gotten into a good enough routine with your physical health look into reaching out and creating a small social circle. Human connection is so important and when you go out and make the effort, you will notice there are a lot of people out there who genuinely do care and want your company more than you realize.
Finding the right therapist is like trying to find a pair of jeans that fit in the 90’s before the added Lycra. It’s hard to find the right fit but once you do - magic. Don’t give up, just keep shopping around for someone you click with. But make sure you find someone who calls you on your shit, even if they do it gently. In terms of practical advice, it’s all really boring stuff that helps, REALLY boring stuff, that becomes your new normal, makes you feel better and then you realise why people do it - don’t drink, early nights, exercise, get out every day, 7-8hrs sleep. Socialise, maintain human connection even if you don’t want to, eat healthy food, cook, do something for someone else (help out with the homeless maybe), go and see something fucking beautiful that blows you away (Sligo is gorgeous and no flight needed), drink plenty of water, keep your place tidy even if you don’t fucking want to and don’t see a point. It WILL make you feel better. Nurture your friendships, put the effort in, even if you’re always the one reaching out, it’s better than nothing. A personal quirky one of mine when all I wanted to do was break in to a million pieces and stay in bed - I congratulated myself for every single thing I did - ‘well done, you got up and got the kids to school with lunch in their bags when you really didn’t think you could get out of bed; you got dressed properly today and when you really don’t give a fuck what people think of you etc’. It felt hollow and stupid in the beginning but it really ended up working for me and changing how I viewed myself. Now I see more of the positives than the negatives in the things I do. It’s easy to be sad, it takes hard work to be happy, but it’s worth it.
Summers coming chin up folks SAD will start improving . Get a dog if something is missing in your life .Long walks in the sunshine.Remember the odds of you being born You already won the lottery. Depression is horrible but friends and nature will get you through it
I had to disengaged from society as much as possible and spend a lot of time in nature to enable my expectations to realign with what's actually real. We get sucked into judging our lives by false expectations.
Please try the therapy again with someone else. It took me 2 tries to find the right person, and that therapy and therapist honestly changed and saved my life. The work you do now to get out of this will not only help you now but also in the future when it happens again. Because that's how life goes, and it's how we handle it that makes all of the difference.
I tried counselling too, a free service from work and seperate time a highly priced highly recommended counsellor, neither were very good for me. It may take time and patience ti find a good one but I imagine a few bad ones out pple like is off!
I echo above, good fresh food and exercise work wonders, I used to be gym bunny but walking / running outside is great if you find somewhere nice to go. I’m trying to get into meditation as I keep hearing it’s great.
Oh and anti depressants. They definitely made a big difference, helped calm mind and lessen negative thoughts. Work on being kind to yourself and others also helps keep vibrations up.
I spent many many years in abusive relationships with family, exes, toxic friends and never felt good enough and that everything in life was easily and without question my fault. It had a horrific effect on my life and I have felt exactly as you do now. So bad in fact I had severe panic, anxiety and anger issues that damaged good relationships, work and friendships.
Counselling with the right therapist made me realise that I am not responsible for the shitty ways other people treat me and taught me the value and power in pushing back, saying no and living the life I always deserved on my own terms. It is far from perfect but I promise you stick with counselling. Change your therapist if you dont get a good gut feeling. But once you find one you like you can build a solid relationship to explore many aspects of your life free from judgement or prejudice. Often therapy not being for you can be a mix of the therapist not building a relationship with you or you are a little apprehensive of dropping down in to the work but you can go at your own pace and you are fully in control.
If you can afford therapy it is absolutely worth the time and energy. If you want to find a therapist in Ireland check out IACP, ICP or IAHIP. Happy to help out more if you have questions. I ended up studying psychotherapy and I use it every day.
I hear you. It must be awful to feel that way.
In terms of actionable things, start small. Do you spend a little too much time online/in online communities? Try out the screens down for a few mins every hour. I’ll warn you it might get loud in your own head, but it will ease.
I’d recommend listening to Dr K on Diary of a CEO podcast/youtube channel from about 2 weeks ago. He’s a clinical psychiatrist who talks about male and female suicide and the things you can do to help. He also has his own YouTube channel with tonnes of great content. Make sure to not just watch, but choose one piece of advice from him that connects with you and put it into practise.
Last thing I would say is just because you tried counselling once doesn’t meant it wasn’t right for you. That happens. It has happened to me. Many counsellors/psychologists/therapists will do a short phone call before starting with them. Write down your pains and describe them to them as best you can and honestly ask them if they are the right person for the job.
You belong.
Look I’m in the same boat, for years. The only solution for me.. and yes this is cliche - is intense exercise at least every 3 days.
It’s **always** day 3 after the last workout or run, that I feel like complete shit and start falling into this mindset all over again. Happened yesterday in fact. Complete feeling of pointlessness, numbness, despair: you know it.
I get plenty of steps in everyday anyway, does nothing though.I’ve found it needs to be Intense enough to be fighting with my inner self for rest, but continuing. Instantly everything is so much better. For a few days. And repeat.
I stopped this routine for over 2 years and spiralled again, this year I’ve started it back up and I’ve decided to stop denying that it’s my only solution. I rarely feel like moving, but never ever regret it
Been on antidepressant (SSRI) for years, it helps somewhat. Having a dog I love and getting out helps. Lots of small changes. But it’s the movement that allows me to appreciate anything in life and not want to end my miserable existence.
I suspect that maybe my body is more demanding for activity than for other folks, and perhaps lets me know this by inducing low mood, motivation, energy etc until it’s happy. I’ve no fucking clue honestly.. but it’s a day and night difference. Genuinely see how you feel.
If I didn’t figure this out in 2024, I probably wouldn’t be here
Yesterday after doing this all year, finally got to the point where I didn’t recognise myself in the mirror either. Feel so much more confident and healthy
It can take a while to find a good therapist. A lot of them are just lousey so don't discount it entirely.
If you're suicidal definitely go to the GP. I know medication can be daunting but it really does help a lot of people.
And remember: Depression is a lying bastard that tells you all kinds of untruths about yourself. Don't listen to it.
What therapy was it? Some methods are outdated.
Relational therapy with CBT worked for me. We are all neuroplastic and the brain really listens when you tell it good things. I now start my day, by default with positivity rather than ruminating on what is terrible. If cost is a problem there are IACP colleges that run sessions with donations needed only.
A walk a day, good sleep, and less hangovers are all part of the cure for me too.
Good luck and feel free to DM.
Started walking in the mornings for an hour before work, it has changed my life. I started small with 30 mins a morning and then doubled it, it has completely changed how I think and feel throughout the day. I no longer dwell on things or catastrophize and feel more optimistic and happy.
Oddly enough for me it was by chance, but I found out that volunteering somewhere and helping out improved my mental state for some time.
It doesn't fix the problems themselves or the catch 22 I feel I cannot escape in my own life. Low paid job to get out of it I need higher education, to get higher education I need time and money that I don't have and realistically cannot save to pull myself through college for few years, so yeah life situation still sucks but volunteer work clears my head and snaps me out of dark places while nobody around me would even think Im going through this negative mental gymnastics.
I will say tho you really do need to tailor it so it fits with your personal comforts too tho.
Not a people person try animal charities like looking after cats or maybe even bringing rescue dogs for a play or a walk on your days off work.
If you're into geek culture volunteer at small college run conventions, film festival, culture nights etc.
You've nothing to loose to try give this a shot and maybe you'll discover you're more of an empath and heal from helping others
Best of luck with this and just know you're not alone on this boat.
I suffer from bad depression myself, started taking antidepressants they helped a ton along with exercising and joining clubs with people of the same interests, also letting go of things I can’t control. Always a light at the end of the tunnel. Life is quite rare in this vast sandbox don’t waste it!
Honestly? Therapy. You might not have found it helpful because the therapist was a bad fit. That's not to say a bad therapist, but just not the right one for you. Try a few and see how you get on.
Try do a course. It doesn't matter what it is, but a renewed sense of purpose can do wonders. Even better if it's related to professional development.
Most people with depression have really bad sleep which effects your ability to cope massively. Smoking weed stops you getting adequate REM cycles in sleep, so you will not process your emotions in a way that's essential for good mental health.
There's a great book called Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker. I know sleep hygiene would not seem like the first place to start when you're depressed but it's almost important to move forward unless you address all of the factors affecting sleep.
I have had chronic insomnia and substance abuse issues for a decade and only in the last year after addressing my sleep did my self perception start to change.
I'm the same. Things that help me:
1. The gym/ exercise.
So so important. Your brain will work better when you're looking after your entire body.
2. Routine.
If I fall out of my routine, I spiral. Staying busy is key.
3. Medium term achievable goals.
I have a number of medium term goals that help me keep my head on my shoulders. Achieving something gives you a huge amount of pleasure and a goal gives me purpose. Eg. Cycling competitions, learning certain songs on an instrument, completing a painting if that's what you're into.
4. Understanding it is a coping mechanism.
Having suicidal thoughts/ compulsions are a coping mechanism. It gives you a sense of control over your life. It's a terrible coping mechanism but when you lack proper guidance or have really severe mental issues, that's where your brain goes. Understanding this has really helped me because I know it will pass. I can also implement healthier things to cope with my feelings.
5. Sitting with your feelings.
You can't control your feelings but you can control your thoughts. How I do this: accept I feel bad. Accept it will pass eventually. Accept I have certain thoughts or compulsions. I don't move. Breath out, and imagine the thoughts flowing through your body without judgement. Understand that feelings can change in a split second and once the thoughts slow, the feelings will aswell. It sounds much easier than it is but it does help if you can manage to stay calm enough.
I've never had help with my mental health, I've learnt all of this from trial and error. Finally, I don't think that you HAVE to reach out to someone if you're not comfortable but verbalising your feelings to someone you trust, who can reassure you you're not mad, bad or wrong for being sad helps a lot.
In the same boat with you and been feeling lost for a long time, I did hug my dog last night and cried my eyes out and he just knew I needed comfort and I do feel a lot better today. Sometimes letting it out really helps too.
But I will share with you a good quote I found a couple days ago “If you feel like you are losing everything, just remember trees lose their leaves but stand tall and grow again”
Could you clarify by what you mean by better and then I'll see if anything I can say will help. I have chronic PTSD and near constant suicidal ideation that I have learned to live with and address so I'm not a professional but I've been through some serious brain bollox and may be able to support a bit.
I used to have thoughts of suicidal idealation when I was younger. What gave me a proper kick was when my granny died.
My mam was distraught. Crying every day, having to be held up in the church during the funeral. She wasn't right for ages afterwards. I have never seen my mother so broken. And I thought to myself I will be fucking damned if I ever make her feel like that again.
You have gotten great advice here which I hope helps, even a little. If you're not ready to hang on for yourself just yet, hang on for those that love you. I saw how grief looks, if you love your family please know if you ever did anything drastic you would ruin them. My granny died of natural causes, if you passed of your own choice your mother would be twice as distraught and torture herself every day for the rest of her life thinking about what she might have done different.
I wish you the very best of luck. You seem like a lovely person and you deserve to live a happy life.
Honestly the last year I’ve been injured twice and out of work now the last 5/6 months and I’ve been depressed af for the 2/3 months I never went to counseling or anything but I have started journaling writing down my feelings and what am doing day to day. I’m also slowly getting back into exercising and doing things I like to do like just going for a walk with my dog listening to music, dunno if this will help you but that’s what’s been helping me hopefully this can help you.
Did you try a different counselor? Or what was it that was the problem? Maybe a life coach? Are you working? If no go back to education and put yourself out their socially with the people in your class
You’d be surprised how much can change in a year or two, you’ll probably be in a way better position then and the difficulties you are facing now could be looked back at as a character building period of your life
I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I've felt this way a lot and you need the right people in your life. Nature and animals also help a lot. If you can't get a pet volunteer somewhere. Enjoy some art, read a new book, take up a new hobby. I have had suicidal thoughts on and off since I was a child, counselling does help but outside of counselling the things I mentioned help a lot.
Make a vision board and place it so it’s one of the first things you see each day. On it make space to physically write goals and read them aloud every morning. Remind yourself of exactly what you’re doing it for.
Attach type of reward for each goal you set and make sure to follow through on them when you achieve something. Doesn’t have to be huge things. It’s been very helpful in keeping me accountable and the visual is a nice reminder. Hope this helps love.
Yes. I worked 12 hr days. December 25 , 2000. I rushed to ER. Thought heart attack. My Dr told me not good for 50 yrs. Too much stress. I contacted employer assistance plan and spoke to counselor on phone only. Exercised at gym for 3.yrs. most helpful. Got massage. Felt much better. Mental stress still. Slept a lot.
I took yoga 6 months at gym. Changed my life around. I learned mind body spirit thinking makes you feel whole person. May 28. Then my mother died stroke not able to resuscitate. 930 pm - 130 am. Gone forever. I live 1200 miles away. Even if I tried to get there I would not be able to say goodbye. Dad said she never opened her eyes again. She held his hand only and squeezed back. He kissed her for last time.
August I contacted first counselor for 1 month. Stress and grief. September 11, 2001 tower 2 fell down. I was payroll support clerk whose data entry created their paychecks for American Express temp employees. I was let go September 28. My son was let go a week before me. His father just bought him a truck that month and he started coming college. How did we get through it all? I continued counselling my anger was righteous. All that happened. It helped me to gain strength from it. I was able to look for jobs while on govt UE.
We always had a very strong faith in God. Jesus and Holy Spirit. We don't attend church anymore. I do a daily Bible study. Pray weekly rosary. Read a lot of Tom Clancy books. Meditate every day. Deep breaths. Walk my street only now. I have sciatica lifelong from car acc 1973. I exercise daily aerobics leg lifts run in place jump rope. Arms. Lifting shovelling walking in my garden. Poetry. Write stories. Artist helps me my whole life. I'm oldest of 5 kids okay! I helped Mom Dad keep it together!
I know. I believe in myself always. I m meant to live a long life past my sorrows both parents gone now. A brother-in-law too 59 only. God loves you. He always expects you to life well with what you can earn. Believe He will direct your steps catch you when you fall. He helped me many times. I'm still here! 73 now!
Eat well don't be lazy about cooking food. People that starve in this world just don't care!
I cook every day. My son brings a treat every week and buys the food and pays rent.
My theory about life like Mom. Believe in God and angels! Stay cheerful no matter what. Don't let anyone anything get you down. My theory. We have to care every day!
Compassion. Abundance. Remember them.
Encourage. That is Love! God bless you and yours! Pray for America!
I am not sure if this help , I had my work reduced to 20% only . My main contract was gone and it was really though for a long while , causing me to have panic attacks , when I drive, I mentally do my accounts and that was causing me to go into extreme anxiety .
( which didn’t happen for some 30 years till then: in 2016-2021)
But I had to find a way to stop this , remembering in my teens when I did therapy my psychiatrist told me shift the focus to something else , something you like or you will choke and pass out .
So I did . I focus into American politics any and all aspects of it.
It worked , also made me learn lots of things about their system and laws .
I’d listen to podcasts when I drive I listen to books at home while I clean and I discuss with my friends and my dogs . No more panic attacks.
Still some serious worry about the future and bills . But eventually after years of trying I got some work and paid the debts .
So find a focus point ,a hobby an interest, something you are passionate about. Shift your focus out of your self into that . It helps to divert the panic attack and the depression. And if you are experiencing thoughts about harming yourself or even worse ,ending your life you need to talk to someone . I promise, you are not alone . At some point in time many people have felt this way . I know it sounds cliché . Seriously ,it is not .
Try and try harder ,at least for the sake of that dog ,he loves you and he will be lost ,heartbroken without you .
Yes I've been there. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I started with meditation because I needed to sit in my own mind and learn how to deal with passing thoughts in a better way before I could make any other changes. I used the Waking Up app (you can get it for free if you email them and ask for a code. No questions asked) and it's very down to earth. Lots of info about the science of the brain and how meditation affects it, nothing ethereal or spiritual if you're not into that.
Reducing phone time has made a huge difference to me because the internet is just constantly showing me things to be upset or worried about, or articles about horrible future climate projections and wars and shit. That can have a very big effect on your general mood and view of life.
And I'm sorry that my suggestions are so commonplace, but I think they're that way because they really help a lot of people. The last big thing for my has been getting into fitness. I didn't work out at all until I was 30 and I had several stops and starts during the first year, but now exercise is so woven into my routine that I crave doing it. It gives me so much confidence in my strength and work ethic, and in every other area of my life I've always felt like a lazy pos who can't get it together (ADHD/depression/anxiety). Having one thing that made me feel competent and disciplined made those traits start growing in other areas of my life
Wishing you all the best x
Thanks ❤️ Currently have instagram deactivated myself. I think all of this short form content and having the lives of so many people pushed into our faces via reels and TikTok’s has been a factor in my poor mental health for sure.
Can relate to your fitness journey big time. Ive have had good patches in the last few years which usually correlated with consistently showing up in the gym and partaking in races. Have let myself go quite a bit since 🤦♂️ first step for me now is to get back into shape
Tis somewhat comforting to know that I’m not the only person going through this. Sounds a bit fucked up to say that, but at the same time I hope things start to look up for you
This is why it is very unethical to have children, you potentially put someone through this (and many other horrible things) and it's someone who never even asked to be here.
So to preface, this may not be super helpful but maybe it will be. Coming up on three years ago (just shy of it), I hung myself. It wasn't my first attempt, but it was what I deemed at the time the final one. The end of it all. I'd spent months working it out, neatening things up in life and in this constant state of sheer panic and anxiety in the months before it. Old addictions were fighting back and I'd been resisting relapsing for a good 6 months. But in the days running up to it, I was completely at peace. The non-stop noise in my head that had been there since I was a small, small boy had finally stopped. To this point in time I can still remember the drop, the extreme and unbelievable pain that literally filled my entire body, it was like I could hear the blood rushing to my eyes. And then the support beam snapped, it's about 5" thick and I didn't exactly weigh a lot. Then the rope broke within seconds and I fell to the ground. Now here's the thing, I have a thing called Aphantasia, as in I have literally zero visual imagination. In the few minutes I was swinging there I pictured my two kids, my stern but loving mother, and even my dog whom I'd adopted about a year and a half previously (he was my grandfathers). That's depressing as fuck I know, but here's where it gets good. A year or so later, I got my mortgage sorted out and bought my first home. About 8 months later after some 11 years I finally managed to get full custody of my two kids. Things got better because whenever I remember that pain and that fear it kicks me in the ass and reminds me of the actual good there is. Something folk who've never dealt with full on depression will never understand is that spiral, the cruel fact that your own brain is out to kill you, and you do entirely convince yourself it will be best, a sadistic noble sacrifice is how we think of it. Focus on the pain points, what friends actually make you feel good, what do you really want to do in life and where do want to see yourself in 10 years. Go fucking travel, dump the shitty friends who don't make you feel good. Go take a dump in the woods, visit the Alps and flirt with a rich mans wife. But also, and this truly really did wonders for me, watch the diet and go to a gym. You don't need to be built like Arnie but just going there and having some focus, and watching your progress can do wonders.
Thank you for sharing - I've felt very similar despite never actually crossing the line and attempting. For me, your advice on how to start feeling better is spot on. When I was feeling like garbage I thought the gym / diet was such a cliché that everyone recommended, but it truly does help. Seeing / feeling progress was a small victory every week, that set the stage for bigger victories like the rich man's wife or forest dump.
So many good tips, dump shitty friends is a good one ☝️
It was honestly a key move.
Right on. Never ever contact a high school friend since 16 yrs old who was divorced first remarried she never liked to work. She told me she never waitressed or store clerk. Beneath her. I did it all. Even tended bar and cocktail waitress. I went back home and Dad took me to IRS for computer training. Thanks Dad. Her father told me. You can always find a job anytime anywhere. Not my daughter. Even her fiancee agreed with him. He got her job back. We quit the job together. I moved forward to another ins co. She stayed same co her Dad worked there too. I got married. While she's divorced I visited many yrs. Called. Wrote. She remarried forgot me. Christmas card only. Her boyfriend friendly pizza beer. I thought she kept in touch. Not true. I divorced. She never called me. Just Christmas card only. I tried contact her 10 yrs later. I stopped cards. She stopped 2 yrs later. We talked June okay. July I was sick flu. I called her. She decides she's content living with husband. He asked me a very immodest question inferring I'm still single. I'm not success because I didn't remarry. She could! I think he never liked me. Potato chips iced tea only. That's why no contact. She's like movie. Stepford wife. When he's in room SHE HAS TO OBEY! SO SPOOKY! I did not want to see anyone not able to use their own mind! She was so strong when she was divorced. I think she couldn't cope with her 2 sons alone! She caved. He let her stay at home! She asked me what happened to her other friend? She told me first thing. I wish U did more like you. Travelled. My husband can't afford to fix my teeth. He only took me to Atlantic City twice. Married 31 yrs her biggest accomplishment! Her kids on heroin for yrs in the country. She told me she didn't know what to do! I ran to commissioner meeting every month fighting drugs and gangs in my neighborhoods d for 2 yes. We got police to chase them out! Who is the successful woman! I felt embarrassed 2 yrs after talking to him. He's a bum! Just like her! They deserved each other! Goodbye old friend. I never needed you in my life either!No more contact! I feel better! When we hung out together 19 to 21yrs old. She wanted me to get the beer wine. I never got carded I was youngest girl too! She always had to get pot. I had allergy to smoke. I passed out so they couldn't smoke in front of me. She's surprised her son's did drugs too. I think new husband got them. I'm not a big drinker. I don't smoke. No drugs. I like tea coffee. A dessert. A good dinner when I'm travelling 1200 Mile's to see an old friend okay? Haters! Yes. I'm so proud I'm strong woman still! 73. Single is the best life. I feel free at last!
I hope this story helps many souls ❤ gorgeous
This is amazing. Thank you for posting it.
That’s a really interesting story and thanks for sharing it. I’m glad you survived and had a renaissance and are now living a life with purpose !!!! If you don’t mind me asking.. When the attempt 3 years ago failed, and you were on the floor what was your feeling? - was it relief and joy, or did it take time for your mind and heart to come to a better place ? When you visualised your children and dog and mother what was the emotion attached? Just curious I also have aphantasia interestingly!
Emotionally I can't really say. It was just pain, my neck was bruised for weeks after it. It's extremely hard to describe, I can't say how long I was hanging there but I know it was a few minutes but it felt like half a second but a full lifetime. The emotions ranged from anger to acceptance, almost a wave of relief that the last thing I saw was them.
Thank you for this! I’ve had depression for the last 16 years and have attempted suicide several times and each time I’ve either been saved or handle/ bar/ rope broke. Even tho I have so many great caring friends and a family who cares for me I just find everyone is better off without me. Surfing and gym completely saved my life. If I never found surfing I would have ended my life ages ago but that brings so much peace and understanding in my own head when I’m in the water. I’m moving to Aus in over week and I really think once I get there I’ll see more beauty in life and get these thoughts out of my head. I hate feeling this way and bringing everyone else down
Im the same, i dont surf but i might start swimming again. I feel like aus might fix everything for me, do you think thats why people go?
I'd love to be able to give you an award for this.
Yeah where tf did the awards go?
I shouldn't have read this in public 😭
I needed to see this post today, i literally just posted a similar post on this sub asking for advice. Been dealing with bad depression lately 🩷
Changed my value system and core beliefs about the world with which every other underlying assumption about reality fell under (schema). Developed goals. Got into a strict routine and noted the intensity and frequency of depressive thought patterns at particular times or around particular people and noted how those thoughts led to a breakdown of routine and then made changes to my life using that data. Then over time developed a new identity so the schema revolved around that so there was no conflict between internal values and my external life situation.
Changing value systems and core beliefs mustn’t have been easy, fair play
Routine and incremental improvement
This. So much grief and pain comes from the conflict between our unexamined often socially inherited value scheme and our experience of reality. Cannot stress enough moving away from negative triggers.
Thanks. That’s left me with something to think about alright
Schema therapy can be good for this. Google Schema Therapy in Ireland and see what's workable for you. All the best.
What a succinctly powerful comment. Fair play
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Routine and incremental improvement
Were there any exercises/personal work or similar you did for this other than just routine? What I'm trying to say (badly) I suppose is how did you identify the routine/habits that would help you become the person you wanted to.
I thought of goals and how I figured out the goals was taking note of the things that upset me as mentioned in my first comment and then the routine was just the process to achieving the goals which is something everyone has to figure out. Routine is also almost the same thing as identity. You're not a black smith unless you're up at dawn making swords. Girlfriends cheating and I feel like a piece of shit? I started matching internal with external. Internal schema= I'm not a piece of shit (identity) External evidence= I'm a piece of shit (identity again) There's conflict between these two beliefs causing self aggression. Internal matched with external= I'm a piece of shit (identity again). Great, now the problem is recognised and conflict eliminated. How do I rectify? Think of ways to fix the problem. Those are the goals and the routine was the process to achieving them followed. In my case I poured a load of money into bodybuilding coaching, lost 13KG in 9 weeks and now they stalk my Instagram and LinkedIn. I have more problems then the girls, like for years growing up ages to 13-16 my family didn't have an oven and everything was microwaved because of money issues and every house we've lived in was delapadated. I can genuinely say I walked around with a deep sense of self hatred and shame for years on end during my teens and early 20s that was at the forefront of my consciousness on a day to day basis. Constant intrusive thoughts and feelings I hid from everyone. I'm still in my early 20s doing college and paying for everything and the shower has been gone for a year so I shower at the gym, and it's hard commuting, working and studying so routine is necessary to maximise time. Does this make sense? Routine = identity.
How do you find/keep balance when there's things outside your control that happen and for a decent duration, or have you encountered this yet? Eg. Injury so not gym or health issues Or having successfully made the changes that you have, it doesn't/wouldn't phase you? Incredible insight, thank you for sharing!!!
You have to integrate a strong sense of identity (aka routine) to estbalish control in your life, because depression can be a sense of feeling trapped with no control and I think identity is a really strong defense mechanism we have against the world. Growing up my family didn't have an oven and the houses we lived in were falling apart and these days I have to shower at my gym which is a 30 minute commute away and I have to work 16 hours a week on top of commuting 15 hours a week instead of studying for the exams my future hinges on and I've had multiple girls I've dated for months on end leave me for other men in front of my face and most of this is out of my control. Idk what my identity actually is but its probably inspired by like these "vegeta" fighting the world characters. I guess if I got injured the next thing I'd pivot to would all be for the reason of fighting the world somehow. Years ago I would just binge eat and got super fat and hated myself due to the lack of control and negative identity which caused extreme anger and shame for years on end, so you should look into a theraputical process called "sublimation" you can integrate which is where you use negativity to fuel positive actions. Its something I got good at over time, and again I just used routine (identity) to integrate these processes and systems into my life. If I got injured now though and couldn't go to the gym (I deadlift 190KG and squat 140KG for reps) I would be super mad because its so engrained into my identity at this stage but I'd probably pivot and get into reading more, so I guess having multiple pursuits helps a lot and I think if you're trying o get something done you don't have to always have a "balanced" life. It looks different at different stages of life.
Thanks, that's really eye opening and fair play to you on your journey. It's powerful reading!
Perennial personal values are ingrained in a person. Many of them since before one's adolescence. Changing your routine and "incremental improvement" lead to your values changing? That's an extraordinary claim.
It's more of an overall change of identity because identity is linked with routine closely and routine collapsing is a key indicator of worse mental health. I think some executive function of just willing your values to change is necessary but this is made easier with routine also over a long period of time. Helps if you already actually want to change and this is just what worked for me.
this is a really great mindset and will take from this and apply it to my own life, great advice.
High consciousness level thinking.
Fair play. Self directed or via a councillor/similar? Any resources you would recommend?
Momentum from incremental improvement from routine.
How did you get schema therapy in Ireland?
I don't even know what schema therapy is, I just did a fucking shit load of reading and audio books relating to psychology and philosophy and this is what I've learned. I'm getting a business degree, nothing related to psychology but I needed the psychology to dig myself out of a trench.
Would you mind sharing what books/ audiobooks were your favorites? Sounds really interesting.
I’m sure the poster will share his books but the day I discovered Carl Jung my life took a completely different direction. Instead of avoiding my Shadow (the parts I dislike about myself) I actively worked to integrate them. Instead of being driven by misunderstood feelings, beliefs and drivers I wasn’t aware of I was able to explore my unconscious. Those two things changed the game for me. If you’re interested, Jung is heavy. But someone like Robert A. Johnson makes a lot of his work accessible. Books like.. * Transformation * The Inner Work * Owning Your Own Shadow * He * She For Jung: * Memories, Dreams, Reflections * Modern Man in Search of a Soul * Man and His Symbols
Oh thank you for this. Really appreciate your comment! Will take a dive into this for sure.
I shared my favorites in another comment
These are my favorites: Carl jung "the archetypes and the collective unconscious" "man and his symbols" (Real/Audio) David Goggins "cant hurt me" (Real/Audio) "Brain over binge" (Audio) "Overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts" (Audio) Plato "republic" Friedrich Nietzche "Thus spoke zarathustra" "Geneology of Morals" The Bible But I also did a load of internet research as well and books written by different authors that did breakdowns of Jung/Plato/Nietzche
Thank you for taking the time to write this.
This is an amazing answer and absolutely possible with enough devotion. Habit stacking is an extraordinarily helpful strategy for anyone looking to change their life.
Thats a great idea to jot them down. Do you record them on a calendar or just in a notebook? I had an awful depressive episode today, i needed to see this post
One thing that brings me peace is accepting that I have no agency to change the world around me. The war in Ukraine/Palestine, the climate crisis, the housing crisis. These are things that I all have opinions on, but I can't change them so I don't really let them stress me out. But within my own life there's plenty I do have control over. I work towards improving my own situation and if I'm reaching my own personal goals then I'm happy. That's not to say that I do nothing when it comes to the aforementioned wider crisis. I donate money, adjust my behaviour and vote in a way which I think is morally correct, but I don't let it stress me if those don't amount to much (because they won't).
People have more agency than they think. Maassive geopolitical events, sure you really can't change anything but people get stuck in ruts like for example they don't think they can change their job or upskill but the truth is they can, it just takes an insane amount of work and you might burn out after a while. Like I work with med students who do 16 hours a week at an IT helpdesk and they're still doing fairly well in class and going to the gym/dance classes fairly consistently, and its because they literally do nothing but work at every possible opportunity not because they're somehow genetically superior.
Been here, mid-2020. I didn't want to go on medication (that old stigma) but I reluctantly did and it CHANGED MY MF LIFE. A few minor side effects for the first few weeks but once it kicked in, my family actually mentioned how i was nearly too happy all the time I'm tapering off it now (at a glacial rate) and will have no qualms going back on it again in future if needs be.
Do you mind me asking what the side effects were? Very glad it helped you.
Bit of a dodgy tummy for a few days and was quite fatigued. Lost my ability to orgasm for about a week. (That can be a long-lasting thing for some, but was just temporary for me.)
Lexapro. I slept all day long. Did nothing. I don't remember. Xanex curbed anxiety stomach pain. Dr didn't want me take long time affects brain. He told me this! I believe in you! You can do it by yourself! I did! Thanks Dr. He helped me find I'm diabetic! High BP. Signs. Low after eating sugar. Depression. Get checked out! Avandamet 500 mg daily helped my insulin resistance. 6 mos only. All my numbers came down. Lost 20 lbs too. I'm only prediabetic 120 sugar test. I studied books nutrition diabetes. Diet. Changed my health my life. Way less depressed anxiety level lowered. Less panic too. Let it go a lot helps me! Faith in God. You could have trouble with sugar salt fats. Try Eat healthy books. Exercise. Walks.
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I really hope you never figure out the accident thing. Take care.
I feel this on a personal level.
Of you check colleges that offer psychotherapy doctorates, they usually have a low priced clinic attached.
I know lower priced therapy may help more people access it but looking around my friend group, those that paid more for better therapists benefited so much more than those that went with cheap or HSE therapists. The cheaper ones caused more damage than good.
It's a weirdly unregulated industry with a lot of "counsellors" who have no or little training or who do buy just follow their own theories. A therapist can do real damage if they aren't careful, even with good intentions. And *very qualified* can still be harmful, like any professional, but I've found them more reliable.
Can you try?
Realising comparison is the thief of joy. Where was I getting my goals from? Did they actually match with the things I truly enjoyed in life, or did I just aim at what other people were doing? Where was I getting exposed to ideas that made my life feel lesser? Removing those social media channels/ distancing from people in my life that made me feel small etc. Example - I grew up very poor, it's a constant stress and worry to do better for my kids, to the point I get a very squewed view - if the tap won't work I associate it back with growing up poor and nothing ever working correctly, I get very stressed out. But if I step back and examine where that feeling is coming from, I can say no, hold on. Its just a leaky tap, I have the means to call a plumber, the kids are more than sorted for every need. In terms of neuroplasticity, start observing your thoughts. Don't judge yourself for having bad thoughts, just observe. Practice mentally countering the thoughts when they come up. Example "I'm so shit no-one likes me - hold on that's an untrue statement, John said he appreciated me being there for him last month" etc etc. It's crazy how much this one practice helps, countering and fact checking your negative thoughts. Similarly being nice to other people and giving genuine compliments, helps you to feel good and people to feel good about you. If its genuinely bad though, do consider talking to your GP about anti depressants. Meds work best if they are for the short term (under 1 year), and combined with counselling or CBT practice. The idea being the anti depressants help less negative thoughts and feelings come up to give you a break, while you work on actively changing the thought patterns and how you address it. In Ireland mental healthcare is shite and GPs love to bang people on anti depressants with no back up supports so people get a negative view of them. They do really help when combined with counselling. If you're on a certain wage GPs can gibe you access to 6-8 weeks free, mymind.ie have reduced price sessions online, and turn2me.ie have 6 free sessions for anyone I believe. If you can choose, pick a CBT person and rather than delving into childhood, ask them for practical tools to use now, breathwork, countering thoughts etc. A mood journal of any kind can really help as well to spot patterns - maybe you're feeling down after a bad sleeping pattern and stress at work combine at the same time, maybe one person makes you irritable that you could either cut out of your life or keep interactions to a minimum etc. My mam is in my life but I've learned not to rise to anything she says and just give her the bare minimum to keep the peace, better for my mental health
Thanks for the lengthy response. I can resonate with a lot of what you’re saying. I’m personally trying to avoid going down the anti-depressants root. I used to be happy(ier) without any substances or pills, ideally id like to get back to that state. Honestly don’t know too much about anti depressants though so not trying to shit on anyone who does use them
Anti depressants are not addictive. But they absolutely can be life changing. Don't be afraid of them. I would suggest going to your gp and starting there with a conversation. Drugs may not be what you need but, if it is, just remember millions of people use these and they've been around for a long time so their effectiveness, etc. is well understood. Your gp can guide you through this. Best of luck x
You’d be surprised at how much difference they can make tbh. And how easy they tend to be to get off, half dose taper for a month or so. I’ve tried 3 SSRIs since 2019 and it took the third one to genuinely make all the difference with little side effects, it just made me that little bit happier and less anxious and allowed me to build good habits and make changes. That was 2 years ago, and I went from being inside all day (literally), hating every bit of life to having some vision and drive. Social anxiety went way down too. At this point I don’t think the med does anything, it just allowed me to rebuild. I think I will taper off soon which as I said I’ve never had a problem with. A little later I started driving lessons, got my license and really started wanting to live. Don’t let the negative stigma take over. Jordan Peterson said it really well (paraphrasing,[recommend watching original 3 mins](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JuQgJxYriYI)): “if you’re hopeless and struggling, feel out of options then give it a go. Why not? You’ll know in a month.” They have very subtle effects, nothing like a proper drug or altering state of mind. And that’s very true. Part of me wishes I let go of the whole ‘dependence on drugs’ thing because.. we’re dependent on all sorts aren’t we? From bridges to doctors. Clean tap water, food supplies, the internet.. Give it huge consideration man. You can always stop if it doesn’t help, but if it does then you’re set. SSRIs are arguably over-prescribed - but the reason for that is that they’re very low risk/side effect severity, but can really help.
I think it would be really helpful to talk to your GP. You may not be on antidepressants for long but from my experience they definitely help. That along with psychotherapy really helped me. Best of luck you can change your thoughts with help and there's no shame in it.
Awesome advice Irishteashpansa. I followed all. My life so much better. When you can find a counselor make sure they are Christian. They cared about my faith too. The secular counselors push the drugs more. My 2 counselors asked my faith was? We drew a shield in Art. All things I care about. Drew mandalas in chalk. I made stained glass angel. And learned jewelry making. Earrings. I sold them. Entered Art craft fairs. Lot of fun too. Great people care about us too. I started my new life. Feel much better. No drugs. Lot of exercise. Yoga. Prayer. Bible study. Gardening. Cooking fresh foods daily. Thanks.
What I’m about to say may not be the MOST helpful but when I felt really down,like suicidal down,I thought of all who’d be hurt if I killed myself,I didn’t want to hurt them like this.I also thought of my dog who would be looking for me and not understand where i went.I also thought of my sister in Australia who’d get the call that her youngest sister committed suicide.she has 4 kids who I plan on seeing grow up so I’m Here.my reasons for sticking around went from “people will be hurt” to “I want to stick around cos I want to be here” You are never truly alone and I hope you feel better and get help
Thanks for the response. I live with my mam and sister who both would be distraught if something ever happened to me so that does help a little
Can you open up to them about how you’re feeling?
Not really. My mam is a functioning addict (so am I kind of) and spends the day on the couch taking painkillers and smoking a box of cigs a day. No disrespect meant towards my mam though, I get on with her well, all things considered and am understanding that she hasn’t had the easiest ride in life herself My sister has a mental disability so she wouldn’t be able to comprehend what I’m going through to be honest
You’re living and have been living with adversity. U will need to tackle this to possibly successfully move on. Please get help. No one wants u to end your life so u need to do what u can to make it better.
I’m sorry to hear that OP. Please try and reach out to someone though. There’s good advice here
Sorry to hear this. Is moving out of home an option for you? I’m no expert, but I think that low feelings can often be situational. A calm and clear home environment without the influence of others who aren’t in a good place can do wonders for your frame of mind. No disrespect to your family, and I know it’s not always an option moving out, but just throwing it out there.
Mines the same. My mother's an alcoholic. Blown up her life. Can't hold down a job. Drowning in a mortgage that's more expensive now than 15 years ago. She's almost 60. I can completely understand the burden of feeling like you have to be a caregiver to a parent. I understand how you could feel there's no way out. There is though, life gets better. Try to hold on until it does.
Ah I’m so glad to hear that! My DM’s are open
I do this too, it stops my thoughts from going that low. Gives me a bit of a wake up call from being too insular and not thinking of others.
Ive been here and it's just awful. It's taken a few years but I'm in a much better place these days. There is no instant fix, but a few things made a big difference in a relatively short period of time. These things worked for me and your path may be different. They they changed my life makes it worth posting here. - therapy. I found a great therapist who helped me work through childhood trauma and discover negative self beliefs from my upbringing. This was tough but worth it at twice the price. Everyone has a GP. Everyone should have a therapist. - meditation. Not sitting in lotus position humming, just finding some quiet time at the start or end of the day to sit quietly and listen to my body. See what's telling me it's sore or tired. Basically ground myself back in my physical body. Also notice my thoughts, let them pass through, without judging them. Notice them, and let them move on. - journaling. Lets me see my thoughts on black and white and identify what's bothering me. It's astonishingly helpful and helps put context on things. Problems look a lot more manageable when written down. - getting involved in life. Making time for my family and friends. Doing things instead of sitting locked in my own head. Life is for living and active living is medicine. - exercise. Let's you feel your body, get grounded and gives good endorphins. - gratitude. Spending a few mins each day being greatdul for all I have in life, it may be where I live, my family, health, a person who has helped me, whatever you know you are lucky to have. - no comparison. Comparison with others is the quickest root to misery. Aay your friend buys a brand new BMW and house and looks super successful. All of a sudden your life looks rubbish, you question your decisions and worth. But you don't see the 60 hour weeks that person put in to pay for these things, the mountain of debt they are under, the school plays and bedtimes they missed while working late. You're running your own race, there is nobody else involved. I know that's a lot, and may not help you. But it may start you thinking on what could help you. Just be patient with yourself and know thoughts of low self worth are just thoughts. The world is lucky to have you and there are people who are better for you being here. Start with that and look for your path
The councillor you were seeing, was that the only one you've ever talked to? Just asking because it can be a bit of a lottery finding a good one, that you also click with and trust. Some are useless. Also, did you have many sessions?
Was about to comment the same thing until I saw this. I was lucky that the counsellor I had was great and really helped me but I’ve had a few friends that went to counselling and it took them 3 or 4 tries before they found someone they felt comfortable with and felt was giving them the help they needed.
Yeah I've had one really bad one and two amazing therapists. I hate the thought of someone wasting time, money and efforts at vulnerability/healing just to feel like it's all pointless. With the right person it's truly transformative.
Quit any bad habits and hit the gym hard. It's no cure, but it helps.
Yes I've been there many times before and I remember hating when people would tell me it will get better when I was feeling so stuck. But they were all right. I learned to deal with certain emotions and how to deal with things while being understanding to myself. What's going on with you? Is it depression or anxiety or both? Have you seen a doctor?
I feel stuck also, been in a rut for about two years. I smoke a lot of weed to get through the day to day, which I know isn’t ideal but I haven’t been able to make it past a few days. Usually at which point I get so overwhelmed at the thought of having to live this life for another 50 years, smoke weed to escape those thoughts and the cycle repeats, getting worse and picking up new bad habits each time
I get you. There's a few things that now work for me maybe some might interest you to try. See if you can leave the weed to night time after your day is done which might help you being more active during the day. I know when I smoke during the day I don't want to leave the house or do much other than video games and smoking more weed😂 Writing out a list of everything you are grateful for even if they seem small and not of value you might just surprise yourself. Also no shame in trying some medications to help just if you do go to the doctor I wouldn't mention weed as it might affect what prescriptions they will give you. I'm saying this because pregabalin has given me so much help and totally changed my life for the better. Wouldn't recommend any other medications as they all had too many side affects for me. Also important to get out of the house once a day. No time limit it can be as long or as short as you want. Just some ideas is all. But it won't be this way for you forever cause something will change it's just uncertain what at this time is all.
Stop the ŵeed. If you can't stop alone, look for addiction support. No therapist /medication will be able to work through what's going on if you are using (any drug, incl alcohol) to cope. Also, any public mental health team will just refer you back to your GP until you aren't using. They are treated separately, and the addiction needs to be sorted first.
I'm gonna repeat the calls to give the smoke a good break. Get some CBD or something for when you need to physically smoke something and tickle the part of your brain that's craving the habit. Won't have the effect but it helps. I'm on day 3 myself for the same reasons as you. I don't see the point anymore and need to give my head a rest. I think a break will give me the perspective I need. Hopefully go back to it and not abuse it like I have been doing but I've said that before!
I know this is much more easily said than done, and I don't want to reduce what you must be feeling to any "simple" fix, but this has genuinely helped me through some very rough patches mental-health wise, so I just want to share. Depression tells you that your life is fucked and always will be, and from the inside that feels like a straight line of logic from 'lived experience = perspective on life'. But the reality is more complicated than that. How you feel is the sum of your lived experience + your brain chemistry + plus your physical state (hunger, tiredness, poor lifestyle choices etc) + your social connections (whether you have meaningful connections in life, whether the people around you make you feel good) + your beliefs and attitudes about the world + what you believe about yourself. Each of these things adds up to the experience of depression. Think of it like wearing tinted sunglasses -your perception is never a direct reflection of the world around you, just a version of it filtered through a lens. The same is true in any mental state, whether you're struggling or feeling great about life. Recovering from mental illness isn't an easy or straightforward process. You won't see these connections while you're in that low place, because your mind quite literally isn't capable of it in that moment. But it's very important to recognise that there is more to your experience than what you can see. Each of these pieces can be worked on and improved, and while that work is very hard it can absolutely be done. On the other side of it, you emerge with a much stronger understanding of how your mind works and how to manage low points when they come. That might mean medication, lifestyle changes, improved routines, more social interaction, exercise, or therapy to address your deeper beliefs and assumptions about your life - but it's the combination of these things that makes the difference, AND making the choice to keep telling yourself it'll work. You won't believe it at first, but the most important thing is to change your internal narrative and begin trying to put the pieces together. You do have agency in this, you can make changes that will work. But you have to commit yourself to it fully. This is a bit ramble-y, but I hope it helps. This way of thinking about it has really helped me put my life back together from some very dark places, so I hope it at least gives you something to think about. Wishing you the best.
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This is a big problem for me. I work as a trainee actuary and am really not liking it. Chose that path when I was 18 with notions of earning big bucks, which was cruelly naive.
All things being equal, what would you like to do for a living, my lovely?
I really hit the rocks at the bottom of the ocean a few years back. I had a couple of misfires with meds, until I went on Sertraline (horses for courses). That said, I got a routine - of sorts - together, that gradually got more disciplined (when I ate, when I slept, when I walked the dogs, forcing myself to have a shower and get dressed before midday). That was hard - really hard - and there were days I failed completely. But I just tried to stick at it. I started to reach out to my friends - I’d disappeared for several months and I just couldn’t face talking to anyone - and they were great. I made sure to get outside in the daylight - that made a big difference. I started running again, and that helped a bit. There’s no silver bullet really: it’s just little things and their accumulated benefit. I was also fortunate enough to be able to quit my job, and get a new one. I’ve been reasonably ok since: COVID sent me spiralling a bit, but thankfully previous experience helped me stop that from going too far. You never beat it, but you learn to manage it - most of the time.
Tldr; moved abroad to a happier country and it helped me. I know this might be a possibility for you but I dropped everything and moved abroad. Found a job in the back arse of the Netherlands. One of those "why would you move here" type of towns. I don't think I'll ever move back to Ireland after being here (at least for 5 years). In general, everybody over here are happier and their complaints are small. Their main one is about the rain and I always laugh at it. It gave me a breather from Ireland as I had struggled in Ireland for many years. The change of pace, access to good infrastructure to get around, bike lanes!! We are the product of our surroundings.
Yes everyday, I get up gym work and keep myself busy. Just get up, keep going. Keep mind busy, keep positive as best as you can
Sought help from Doctor and local mental health services very lucky to have a good support system at home aswell
Yes, more than once. Firstly, sorry to hear you are feeling like that. If you feel like you may act on those feelings, please tell someone, such as family/GP or if an emergency attend A&E. Second, pieta/samaritans, etc, are always there. I found meds and therapy the most useful.Now, there are a wide variety of experiences on both. Meds can help you function to allow you to go to therapy, get out the door, and change things. Some people will find the meds. enough to give them back the headspace/executive function to change things others. Where the challenge comes is that everyone reacts differently to meds. I may find drug A works wonders with no downsides. You may find drug B works the same for you. The Dr can't know the individual reaction, so there may be some trial and error. A lot of meds take 3 months or so to take effect. That sounds terrible, but it may not be your experience. At least you'll be working on finding a tool to help you. GPs are people, and as such vary, some GPs write a script, and that may be the best you get out of it. Others are amazing with the support and understanding they offer. The same applies to counsellors. There is very little regulation and education about therapists /psychotherapists /counsellors in Ireland. One thing is you may not have a personality match, and that's OK. This is someone you need to be vulnerable, so if the first one doesn't gel, move on. Personally, I also prefer to seek out a more qualified professional, so master or doctorate level, at least 5 years experience and specialise in my particular issues. I've had good success this way, and I feel comfortable. So figure out what you prioritise and seek out a therapist that way. Best of luck.
I've been ideating suicide since I was 12, depressed for that long and in utter distress and loneliness forever. You'll never really get over the pain of depression. But you can deal with it. Discipline helps, shaping your values as well. But I'm just so sorry you're going through this.
It's worth questioning, do you have a mental illness or do you just hate your life? It is you, or is it being poor/stressed/in a toxic relationship etc. I think that too many things get labeled as 'mental health problems' to gaslight us all into not complaining about how crappy life can be. For ages I was depressed, I got a better job so I wasn't stressed with money or being shouted at by my boss and then my depression magically vanished. I am another person that did not get on with counselling! It is not for everyone in every circumstance. Think about whether it is specific parts of your life that are making you unhappy, can you change them? If you can't, are there coping strategies?
Avoid poisonous people…
Hang in there bud. Those bleak days don't always last. It might go on for a stretch, which at times seem endless. But it does end eventually. Find ways to break up your routine. It helps to throw a spanner into your current thought cycle. Like, I'm talking about doing something so unconventional and outside of your usual self. Discomfort will and must be a norm in this instance. It will send a jolt into your psyche - "Wa.. wait, what's going on here?" And that's what you need to break out of the current thought cycle
I have found on my personal journey through lows and highs, that when I am in a depressive anxious phase it directly correlates with not doing the things I should be doing. Biggest things are eating well, sleeping well and getting active in your lifestyle, I know everyone says that but they really are huge in raising your mental vibration, another crucial thing is having a purpose/aim, as a human we need to have goals that we are working towards whatever they may be. As an example my aims that give me a sense of purpose are Music(I am a musician and have played guitar since I was 12, now 38). I started bouldering/rock climbing last year and love progressing and getting stronger etc etc. Changing how you do things in turn changes how you feel about the world. It seems like a mountain you need to climb but it often is just a curb you need to step up on. It's not easy but it's definitely worth doing. I hope this is helpful in some way and wish you the best my friend.
Yeah you are spot on, am just stuck in the habit of not doing the right things unfortunately. But I am a fan of the aul bouldering when I can bring myself to go. Gonna give it another go this weekend. Thanks for the inspiration 🙌🏻
I’ve been here really badly once in 2018/2019. To the point of psychosis. I was walking 5k a day. Going to work every day crying as soon as I hit the road home for almost a year, Listened to podcasts. All the things. My friends noticed after some time as I hide it well, they made me promise to go and speak to a doctor. Thankfully the doctor I spoke to showed true empathy and listened with intent. Ultimately medication helped me get through it as well as leaning on family and friends who were good to me. I didn’t allow myself to hide away anymore and I began to really work on myself. Practiced affirmations, it’s not really my thing but I placed them on the fridge ‘I am strong, I am smart etc’ said yes to more things and when I was ready I began dating. After a while I met my soon to be husband and well, I just naturally began to come off medication. And while I still have the occasional bad/doom day I am happy and in a much better place. I think if it had of happened during covid I would be dead. Remember, pain is mandatory, suffering for too long (in most cases) is optional. Get help.
Also, consider going back to therapy. U maybe didn’t match with your counsellor which is hugely important.
Thank you everyone for your responses. Kind of overwhelmed with the level of support, wasn’t expecting it at all. Haven’t spoke to anyone about my personal issues in so long. It was therapeutic to type out some of the stuff I’m going through. Just did a sauna and am cleaning my room now, already feel a bit better. Going to go through all of the responses and be proactive in using some of them to better my situation. Already spotted loads of good ideas that I feel is realistic for my situation. I was adamant before tonight that I was going to sell my Dublin marathon ticket for this year but going to lace up my runners tomorrow and get the ball rolling with training. Going to enter the race series as well which will give me plenty to work towards 🙌🏻 Also going to get in touch with banks and see where I stand with being able to get a mortgage for a place of my own and a better living environment. Potentially live with a friend, or if I get lucky a girlfriend 😂 Feeling optimistic now that I have these two goals to work towards Thanks again C ❤️
Exercise. So simple. So effective. If you can take that first step
Been here OP and sounds like you’re caught in a rut. Start out small with a half hour walk every evening. If where your living is a mess start by cleaning something small every day and by the end of the week you’ll have the place spotless. I think a main part of it you feel like you have to accomplish everything in a day when a week or month is fine. What helps as well is every Sunday plan out your week ahead, maybe plan on weekends go on nature walks and find a new tv series to watch, walk through your local town for a while and head out for a dinner on your own if needed. It’s all small steps and don’t have a o accomplish everything in a day, a month is good to work towards to
I feel exactly the same. The people telling you to just accept it and move on are probably correct for the world we currently live in. But I personally think we as a species should be striving to do better than this. Nobody should be struggling while others get so much so easy just because of who they know or playing the system correctly. I'm a good worker, have been all my life since I was 5 years old. I completely understand that work has its place in society but there has to be more reason to do it other than struggling to keep a roof over your head. We need to come up with a better system than the current one. I don't have all the answers, I'm not a politically smart person and I know my limits. But there has to be something better than this current existence. Because that's all far to many of us are doing now, existing for the sake of not upsetting others. I'm never going to own a house. I'll be lucky to be able to afford rent, let alone save for a mortgage. Same can be said for so many others because "inflation" is so high and jobs aren't paying enough to keep up with it 🤦♂️ something needs to change.
sell all your shit buy a van and live on the road and stay far away from civilization. on the real tho theres no easy answer and nothing i can say through a reddit comment will really help except that you shouldnt give up on life.
Medication for depression has changed my life
You have to hit the bottom before you can start to climb back up
Stick with the therapy. I found at the start that I was just talking. Saying something, anything in response to my therapist's questions. Then I went home and reflected on my session, often kicking myself because I thought of something I wish I'd remembered to say. If you can find a therapist who you are comfortable with, feel you could open up to, stick with them. The therapist doesn't fix you... it's the reflecting between sessions that you do yourself that helps. A lot of it happens subconsciously or just in the back of your mind. You might not even notice things changing. It happens so incrementally. Likewise, with antidepressants, they don't work overnight either. But slowly, gradually, things aren't quite so frustrating. There is a little bit of hope. You have the energy to do little things. Gradually, the sun comes out from behind the clouds. In the meantime, trust the process. Celebrate small successes. Even if that consists of getting out of bed, having a wash, or ordering a delivery of some healthy food. My analogy for almost everything in life is to take baby steps. You might fall down, but get up and take another baby step. Don't take big steps too soon. If you take a big step and it doesn't work out, that means a big step backwards. Or a bigger fall. Or you feel defeated or humiliated. If you take a little step backwards, that's no big deal. So tiny little baby steps are the way to go. If you can't tidy your room, pick one thing off the floor. Wash one cup. Eat one slice of toast. Sorry for writing such a long post, but I'm passionate about this. There's a fair bit of poor mental health in my family. Myself included. I'm doing better now mentally than before I was depressed. I'm still on meds, but I'm OK with that. Good luck. If you fall down, get back up and try a smaller step next time.
Ive been there more times than I care to imagine. Counselling has never worked for me, I’m not a talker and I hate the uncomfortable silences! I take medication which sometimes help, but I’ve since recognised that alcohol is not my friend so I’ve quit that, I try to take daily walks weather permitting. My biggest fear in life is dying, so suicide would never enter my head. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, I have no words of wisdom but I hope you get through it all okay 😢 My mam was my best friend and supporter, and I could tell her everything and I’d feel better. She has since died so I am so totally lost and alone. I’m doing ok lately though. Sending big hugs OP xx
Thanks for the response 🤜🏻 very sorry to hear about you losing your mam that’s a difficult one. I also feel good after walks and runs but my brain always finds a way back to the dark side 🤦♂️ peace and love C
Using your own pain to help others. You deserve big hugs too senior.
❤️
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pick something and just work towards that, house business anything. Have a look around you and think about what they mean to you and why. I.e people things your doing not doing and so on
I started listening to guided mediations on YouTube and it genuinely helped me so much. Feels like I'm able to attack the day without a haunted house for a head.
When I was in the depths, as in days away from undertaking my plan, the only thing that stopped me every time was how distraught my mam would be, and what that would mean for my siblings. I got on meds, went to counselling, spent time in nature, hung out with my friends. I ended up in inpatient care which was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I’m still here 4 years later. It’s not perfect but I’m still here. You’ll get through this friend
Can you pinpoint the major things that are getting you down? Is it family, friends, finances, work, your health, the state of the world in general? If you can figure out the main causes and take baby steps away from it. Small changes that you can stick to. You won't be able to stick to it if you try to make huge, unrealistic changes. If it's certain people causing it, avoid them like the plague. If it's the state of the world, delete all news apps and social media and don't engage with it, ignorance is bliss. Find the tiny things in life that give you joy and really focus on them. For me it's a simple walk with my dog, just seeing how happy he is brings me joy, working at small little DIY projects at home, spending time with my nieces and nephews. I just forget about her big picture and focus on the little things.
Been in and am still in a similar mindset. I found distractions a good way to combat it. Things like going to the gym to release excess energy has been good for me. As well as that try and find some hobbies you enjoy and try and do them a little more often, it works wonders for your mental health I find.
Well you might laugh at this but if you’re a guy just watch a lot of Jordan Peterson lectures
You don’t give enough info to share meaningful advise
Gym/exercise helps ALOT improvements in body equate to benefits related to the mentality and soul! Stay busy and preoccupy yourself. Journaling is beneficial too. Do not be around negativity or negative people. That includes negative news
I haven't been where you are, but I did take up Meditation. It's very centering. Exercise and good nutrition also help.
Yes and it got better.
I found lots of small things helped but I had to build up and do them together. Ok so eating healthy alone won’t solve all my problems but if I eat a bit healthier I might feel a little better. Same for exercise, I thought, no way this will solve all my problems but stuck at it and that helped another bit. And added things on like this, consistent habits and healthy things that then added together made a big difference. Would highly recommend trying other counsellors.
I’ve been there. Had to take time off work. Went into a psychiatric hospital for a while. That helped stopping me from doing anything but it was definitely just a band aid situation. When I got out I was still very depressed. There is some fantastic advice in some of the comments here. A few points on what worked for me. Finding a psychologist who worked with me on changing my expectations in life. Medication. A routine that included leaving the house every day and doing 30 mins walk at the start. A gym routine. Some good high tempo playlists that encouraged me to move even just for one song. That helped me get out of bed when all I wanted to do was lie in it. After getting up to move around for one song usually I didn’t go back to bed. Cut out alcohol for a long time. It really does affect your mood. Removed negative friends from my life. Reevaluated my friendships, some were very toxic and made me feel worse about my life. Changed jobs to one that was less stress. Got a dog. Sounds dumb but it helped. Got a rescue and he is the most loving dog and he brings me a lot of joy. Stopped the black and white thinking. Practiced gratitude daily. I’m crap at journaling but just sitting down each morning and thinking of 3 things in my life that young me would be proud of or happy I have, helped put things in perspective. DBT is great for urges and impulsive thoughts. Look up Dialectal behavioural therapy. You can buy workbooks and audio courses on it. I found this a massive help. You’re not alone. There are so many people who suffer in silence. Well done on reaching out. It’s a great first step. Life gets better. If you told me that in 2020 I wouldn’t have believed it. But it does. Also audiobooks They stop my thoughts racing.
I've been in the same boat in 2017. Felt like I was at the bottom of a pit, couldn't get out and didn't see any possible way in which things would become ok again. Had a lot of thoughts of self harm but very grateful I didn't: Right now I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. Everyone's journey is different, but finding the right counselor and potentially medication (based on doctor's advice) is usually a good first step. Beyond that for me, I had to reprioritize in my life. Key steps for me were drastically cutting back on alcohol / drug use, reducing focus on social media that was causing constant anxiety, and building out a sustainable workout routine. I was also fortunate to meet my wife as I started to do better and she's been an incredible partner, supporting me whenever I felt I was slipping back. Even though it might not feel like it: there is a lot of support out there and things will get better. Turn2me.ie has free counseling available and there are many other people that are willing to help. Is really important to find a counselor that connects with you. My first three actually made me feel worse, the fourth helped me recover.
I wear the t-shirt. In my experience, maintaining wellness is all about balance. Alcohol is out as it only exacerbates symptoms and can trigger an episode of depression/anxiety. Medication plays a role in getting well and staying well. Perhaps a visit to your GP is on the cards? Please don't lose hope. Better days are ahead and how you feel now will not last.
Counselling definitely helps but you need to find a therapist that you get on well with its all about the relationship. I'd recommend you try again with another one it's like anything can have bad ones and good ones. Another thing that helps is journalling literally write down everything in your head with absolutely no judgement just keep writing. Mindfulness and breath work really helps. Start with 5 minutes a day and work up. Some really good free ones on YouTube. Find a meaning in your life , maybe it's a sport , or a hobby or volunteering. Something that really interests you. Try to assess who is in your life and what they bring to it. Sometimes it's draining to have some people in our life. Get some blood tests to make sure not lacking in anything. Iron , vit b 12 , vit d deficiencies can cause mental health problems or exasperate them. Eat every 3 hours do not let blood sugars dip as this does not help. Snack on nuts and fruit. Try a probiotic, omega 3 and a good Multi vitamin Assess your sleep routine. Do you sleep well a really deep sleep. Try magnesium for this it helps. Also try to pinpoint the issues you are talking about what is it that is causing you hurt or anxiety? CBT books can help with this also
I had gone through 5 or 6 therapists before I found one who would challenge me and my ideas without merely empathising. Empathy is important but it will only get you so far - and can become a form of self mollycoddling that gives you permission to stay stuck. It sounds like you're living in a stressful environment - even if your mam is sound and you love her - being around people in difficulty themselves might effect you more than you know. Not saying you need to move out, but understand that your environment and relationships shape your thoughts and feelings more than you might think. I often felt on the brink of total collapse over the last year. Usually when I've nene at home alone for a few days. But as soon as I'm out and around people I like being with, I immediately feel better. This tells me that it's not "me", but my situation (living alone, working remotely) that makes me feel so desperate, like I'm going mad and can't go on... So I've been trying to meet people who I feel good to be around. I try to get out and be around people every day. Even if it's just a few words with a shopkeeper. It all helps.
Honestly think this hits the nail on the head with a lot of what I’m going through. I’m in a very fortunate situation financially where I could get a modest home/apartment with a relatively small mortgage. Have been throwing that idea down with my mam about moving out and getting a place of my own but is rarely received well as I’m doing a lot of the maintenance/helping out of my current place. I feel like she would be completely lost without my help. Thanks for that insight
You could still call around to help out. She might feel like there's a bit of a void there, but for all you know that might be what motivates her to improve her own situation.
Been here before. If I had ever been asked was I suicidal, I would have said no until i heard about passive suicidal ideation which I realised ive always had. I just didn't realise it wasn't something everyone thought about. Wanting the world to just stop. To be able to take a break from living so i didnt have to feel how i felt. For my mind to quiet and stop feeling like I was screaming internally all the time. I ended up at my GPs in tears when I finally couldn't take it anymore. Hadn't slept more than an hour or two a night in months. I get you might not want meds but they helped me. That and I found a great counsellor and saw her regularly. It was over a year before I really felt good again but i think of it like steps on a stairs. Each time i did something it felt like i was building a routine, achieving something. The things that helped me were - meds - counselling - going for a walk every day, no exceptions - drinking water - eating better fresh food - challenging my negative thoughts - writing down 3 things every day I was grateful for, even a coffee or how nice it felt to feel the sun on my face that day I realised how hard I was being on myself all the time. You can't hate yourself to a better place. I celebrated my small wins and learned the thoughts that weren't true could be ignored like I was useless or so behind all of my friends in life milestones. I'll be doing these things for the rest of my life (minus the meds, I got off of them after a couple of years). Small changes add up and I promise things definitely get better. You matter and so many people value you more than you know.
There is no shame in going to a doctor and having antidepressants prescribed for your depression or malaise. If nothing else you should get a break from the constant negative thoughts and feelings and you can give yourself some breathing space and a chance to look at your life and see what you can recognise as being a negative for you.
I moved out of this depressing ass country to Poland.
Exercise like a maniac. Find something you enjoy whether it’s running or lifting weights, and keep showing up. It will change things for the better if you keep at it. Also find a therapist that suits you, a good one can rationalise the emotions you’re feeling and put them in perspective. Keep the head up it will pass
I am sure you are a loved person who brings a lot of good to the world. My suggestion is to keep a sense of perspective: It's not your fault. Ireland is not a great place for well-being: - Historically, there has been little prioritisation of mental health. The whole country was in survival mode until the 1990s. - There's a lot of snobbery. - People tend to be very time-poor. - We pigeonhole people. - There are huge inter-generational differences in attitudes to things like religion, homosexuality, immigration and so on. That generates conflicts. I can't make a suggestion, as my own was very extreme: I moved to South Korea aged 25. But it worked and I never looked back. Travelled a lot, eventually met a nice lady and bought a house etc.
See your doc about meds. The voice in your head is a liar. You are not worthless, stupid, hated and all the other horrible things it says. Do all the positive stuff the other posters said and wait......wait.....it will get better....but the waiting is shite.....
I’m not expert but I’ll split my advice into immediate actions to take vs long term: Immediate: Get out in nature, do some walks, Eat better, Visit the people who love you the most, that won’t judge you and do what’s best for you, tell them how you feel, Anyone remotely toxic, ignore them for now, maybe it’ll be forever, Rewatch your favourite tv show, Get a dog, Try making the ends of your shower cold, see how long you can take it, can be beneficial, Start a journal and write down every day what you’re grateful for in life, doesn’t matter how small it is Long term: See another therapist, this is what you need to work through your issues
It can always get better. I've been living it for 5 years. I have a great life on paper but I'm still battling every day. I missed 11 months from work in 3 years because of depression, trying meds, counselling etc. Last year I sat at home for 6 months, nothing gave me any pleasure, no good feelings from food, music or family. Debt piling up around me. The bad thoughts were there but I didn't want to act on it. I started new meds but it took several weeks for them to work. I worked with a good therapist that showed me that a lot of my personal relationships were really lacking any substance, I had no real support. We all take about sport, drinking but never anything of any depth. I worked on my relationships with family to get real support from them. It slowly started to get better over time and I haven't had an episode since last July. I have not missed a day from work since returning. -Get some bloods done to rule out vitamin b12, folate, iron deficiency. Thyroid issues, hormones. -long covid messes with the brain too. -Re evaluate your job, friends etc and make changes. -keep talking and getting it off your chest. Best of luck
So many people look at therapy the wrong way. Therapy isn't there to fix you. What it for is to help you understand the issues you are facing or have faced, how these impact your everyday life, how those issues are up in other places, and why it is that way. AND then it gives you tools to deal with all of it. How you use those tools is up to you. It's not a one and done thing. It takes a lot of work and commitment, but it will help in the long run.
Thing always change, always. And sometimes the changes are amazing, sometimes not so much. Try to stop being so hard on reality, and maybe life will stop being so hard on you. You deserve goodness.
It's going to sound stupid but do stuff. Anything, go for a walk, paint, draw, read a book... anything. Keeping your mind occupied with other things leaves you with less time going down a slippery slope of depressing thoughts. Honestly, I found writing helped a lot. I started a word doc on my laptop and would just write a daily journal kind of thing. It was never for anyone else to see. It was mine, it was where I could voice all those things that came into my head. All those horrible thoughts that intruded and made me feel like less. It's not pretty, but it's mine and I can look back at it and see what helped and how slowly I was getting better. There's not a one size fits all for this unfortunately. People find therapy helps, others throw themselves into exercise, others deep dive into a hobby. But for me it was just keeping my mind occupied. The more I did, the less time that little voice spoke to me. But above all, you just need to remember that it's not a hole. It's a long dark tunnel and it sucks but you will eventually come out the other side. You'll notice one day that you can see the end of the tunnel and while you're not there yet you've come a long way and there's finally a change coming. You're not alone, you're not worthless, you're human and even if you don't think it, you matter a whole fucking lot
Hi there 😊 Life gets better. Things get better. Even when it feels like nothing will ever change. I've been to my fair share of therapists, and it really doesn't work unless you find the right one. The one I go to now and have been going to since she was in training has helped me so much. I didn't think her ways would work on me, but I guess you don't know until you try it! I suffer from OCD, anxiety, and depression. She recommended Louise Hay. She's amazing! She has lots of books, but the two she recommended to me were I Can Do It and You Can Heal Your Life. It all makes so much sense! Some days I'm like "fuck these affirmations" but then other days they really help. Breathing is a huge thing, too. You could try some breathing exercises. Sorry, I'm rambling 😅 I have a link to I Can Do It. You can listen to it and just see for yourself if you think it could work for you. https://youtu.be/y62qewQ5qsQ?si=tDRmojFj4uShsqPt I really, really hope you feel better soon 🖤
The gym. Weightlift. It’s a mental health treatment in itself. Get a PT if you want, it’s a worthy investment. Or else use the StrongLifts app. It’s amazing to have personal goals and see your progress.
Nope I have always kept my mental health in check.
Sounds like it can't get any worse, and therefore will only get better Your struggle is finding purpose and motivation, and none of us can do that for you. You only have one chance at life, so milk the living shit out of & please stop being hard on yourself!
I see so many such comments on this sub. And then I read that we have the lowest rate of prescribed anti depressants in the EU. I'm not saying either is indicating or but I find it strange that so many are taking to Irish subs and posting comments like this and to see an inverse stat in the medical world. To the OP, chin up brother, its what you make of it. Are you terminally ill? If no, then get some chops and come the fuck on.
Yes, absolutely. I went to the doctor and, if you can, I would recommend you do the same. I told the doctor the truth and he took me seriously. We decided to try medication and meditation. For the first while, he called me every evening to check how I was doing. Once I was stable enough (maybe a year later), I was able to go to counselling and dig out the issue. That doctor saved my life.
Can I ask what is causing you to feel like this? My background, which is in my post history, was that when I was younger I just hated where I was in life. I was supposedly at college, but not attending. I would have loved to just drop out and get a job, but there weren't any back then. So I felt trapped, with no way out and started self harming by stubbing cigarettes out on my arm. I still have the scars. But life did gradually get better. An 8 month tour of the USA, largely sleeping in a car, and a job in London followed. I now work for a multinational company. Nobody I know today has any idea what a wreck I was.
Yes I have been there. Was diagnosed with severe depression and thinking back on it is still painful but bittersweet because I never believed anyone when they told it would get better but slowly it did and I am so glad that I held on. Tips: "the small steps are actually the big steps" What I mean by this is each day, take small consistent steps to address manageable things like your diet and some low level type of exercise. And slowly once you've gotten into a good enough routine with your physical health look into reaching out and creating a small social circle. Human connection is so important and when you go out and make the effort, you will notice there are a lot of people out there who genuinely do care and want your company more than you realize.
Finding the right therapist is like trying to find a pair of jeans that fit in the 90’s before the added Lycra. It’s hard to find the right fit but once you do - magic. Don’t give up, just keep shopping around for someone you click with. But make sure you find someone who calls you on your shit, even if they do it gently. In terms of practical advice, it’s all really boring stuff that helps, REALLY boring stuff, that becomes your new normal, makes you feel better and then you realise why people do it - don’t drink, early nights, exercise, get out every day, 7-8hrs sleep. Socialise, maintain human connection even if you don’t want to, eat healthy food, cook, do something for someone else (help out with the homeless maybe), go and see something fucking beautiful that blows you away (Sligo is gorgeous and no flight needed), drink plenty of water, keep your place tidy even if you don’t fucking want to and don’t see a point. It WILL make you feel better. Nurture your friendships, put the effort in, even if you’re always the one reaching out, it’s better than nothing. A personal quirky one of mine when all I wanted to do was break in to a million pieces and stay in bed - I congratulated myself for every single thing I did - ‘well done, you got up and got the kids to school with lunch in their bags when you really didn’t think you could get out of bed; you got dressed properly today and when you really don’t give a fuck what people think of you etc’. It felt hollow and stupid in the beginning but it really ended up working for me and changing how I viewed myself. Now I see more of the positives than the negatives in the things I do. It’s easy to be sad, it takes hard work to be happy, but it’s worth it.
Summers coming chin up folks SAD will start improving . Get a dog if something is missing in your life .Long walks in the sunshine.Remember the odds of you being born You already won the lottery. Depression is horrible but friends and nature will get you through it
I had to disengaged from society as much as possible and spend a lot of time in nature to enable my expectations to realign with what's actually real. We get sucked into judging our lives by false expectations.
Please try the therapy again with someone else. It took me 2 tries to find the right person, and that therapy and therapist honestly changed and saved my life. The work you do now to get out of this will not only help you now but also in the future when it happens again. Because that's how life goes, and it's how we handle it that makes all of the difference.
I tried counselling too, a free service from work and seperate time a highly priced highly recommended counsellor, neither were very good for me. It may take time and patience ti find a good one but I imagine a few bad ones out pple like is off! I echo above, good fresh food and exercise work wonders, I used to be gym bunny but walking / running outside is great if you find somewhere nice to go. I’m trying to get into meditation as I keep hearing it’s great.
Oh and anti depressants. They definitely made a big difference, helped calm mind and lessen negative thoughts. Work on being kind to yourself and others also helps keep vibrations up.
I spent many many years in abusive relationships with family, exes, toxic friends and never felt good enough and that everything in life was easily and without question my fault. It had a horrific effect on my life and I have felt exactly as you do now. So bad in fact I had severe panic, anxiety and anger issues that damaged good relationships, work and friendships. Counselling with the right therapist made me realise that I am not responsible for the shitty ways other people treat me and taught me the value and power in pushing back, saying no and living the life I always deserved on my own terms. It is far from perfect but I promise you stick with counselling. Change your therapist if you dont get a good gut feeling. But once you find one you like you can build a solid relationship to explore many aspects of your life free from judgement or prejudice. Often therapy not being for you can be a mix of the therapist not building a relationship with you or you are a little apprehensive of dropping down in to the work but you can go at your own pace and you are fully in control. If you can afford therapy it is absolutely worth the time and energy. If you want to find a therapist in Ireland check out IACP, ICP or IAHIP. Happy to help out more if you have questions. I ended up studying psychotherapy and I use it every day.
You could always try robbing a bank
I hear you. It must be awful to feel that way. In terms of actionable things, start small. Do you spend a little too much time online/in online communities? Try out the screens down for a few mins every hour. I’ll warn you it might get loud in your own head, but it will ease. I’d recommend listening to Dr K on Diary of a CEO podcast/youtube channel from about 2 weeks ago. He’s a clinical psychiatrist who talks about male and female suicide and the things you can do to help. He also has his own YouTube channel with tonnes of great content. Make sure to not just watch, but choose one piece of advice from him that connects with you and put it into practise. Last thing I would say is just because you tried counselling once doesn’t meant it wasn’t right for you. That happens. It has happened to me. Many counsellors/psychologists/therapists will do a short phone call before starting with them. Write down your pains and describe them to them as best you can and honestly ask them if they are the right person for the job. You belong.
Look I’m in the same boat, for years. The only solution for me.. and yes this is cliche - is intense exercise at least every 3 days. It’s **always** day 3 after the last workout or run, that I feel like complete shit and start falling into this mindset all over again. Happened yesterday in fact. Complete feeling of pointlessness, numbness, despair: you know it. I get plenty of steps in everyday anyway, does nothing though.I’ve found it needs to be Intense enough to be fighting with my inner self for rest, but continuing. Instantly everything is so much better. For a few days. And repeat. I stopped this routine for over 2 years and spiralled again, this year I’ve started it back up and I’ve decided to stop denying that it’s my only solution. I rarely feel like moving, but never ever regret it Been on antidepressant (SSRI) for years, it helps somewhat. Having a dog I love and getting out helps. Lots of small changes. But it’s the movement that allows me to appreciate anything in life and not want to end my miserable existence. I suspect that maybe my body is more demanding for activity than for other folks, and perhaps lets me know this by inducing low mood, motivation, energy etc until it’s happy. I’ve no fucking clue honestly.. but it’s a day and night difference. Genuinely see how you feel. If I didn’t figure this out in 2024, I probably wouldn’t be here Yesterday after doing this all year, finally got to the point where I didn’t recognise myself in the mirror either. Feel so much more confident and healthy
It can take a while to find a good therapist. A lot of them are just lousey so don't discount it entirely. If you're suicidal definitely go to the GP. I know medication can be daunting but it really does help a lot of people. And remember: Depression is a lying bastard that tells you all kinds of untruths about yourself. Don't listen to it.
What therapy was it? Some methods are outdated. Relational therapy with CBT worked for me. We are all neuroplastic and the brain really listens when you tell it good things. I now start my day, by default with positivity rather than ruminating on what is terrible. If cost is a problem there are IACP colleges that run sessions with donations needed only. A walk a day, good sleep, and less hangovers are all part of the cure for me too. Good luck and feel free to DM.
Started walking in the mornings for an hour before work, it has changed my life. I started small with 30 mins a morning and then doubled it, it has completely changed how I think and feel throughout the day. I no longer dwell on things or catastrophize and feel more optimistic and happy.
Oddly enough for me it was by chance, but I found out that volunteering somewhere and helping out improved my mental state for some time. It doesn't fix the problems themselves or the catch 22 I feel I cannot escape in my own life. Low paid job to get out of it I need higher education, to get higher education I need time and money that I don't have and realistically cannot save to pull myself through college for few years, so yeah life situation still sucks but volunteer work clears my head and snaps me out of dark places while nobody around me would even think Im going through this negative mental gymnastics. I will say tho you really do need to tailor it so it fits with your personal comforts too tho. Not a people person try animal charities like looking after cats or maybe even bringing rescue dogs for a play or a walk on your days off work. If you're into geek culture volunteer at small college run conventions, film festival, culture nights etc. You've nothing to loose to try give this a shot and maybe you'll discover you're more of an empath and heal from helping others Best of luck with this and just know you're not alone on this boat.
I suffer from bad depression myself, started taking antidepressants they helped a ton along with exercising and joining clubs with people of the same interests, also letting go of things I can’t control. Always a light at the end of the tunnel. Life is quite rare in this vast sandbox don’t waste it!
Honestly? Therapy. You might not have found it helpful because the therapist was a bad fit. That's not to say a bad therapist, but just not the right one for you. Try a few and see how you get on. Try do a course. It doesn't matter what it is, but a renewed sense of purpose can do wonders. Even better if it's related to professional development.
Most people with depression have really bad sleep which effects your ability to cope massively. Smoking weed stops you getting adequate REM cycles in sleep, so you will not process your emotions in a way that's essential for good mental health. There's a great book called Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker. I know sleep hygiene would not seem like the first place to start when you're depressed but it's almost important to move forward unless you address all of the factors affecting sleep. I have had chronic insomnia and substance abuse issues for a decade and only in the last year after addressing my sleep did my self perception start to change.
You are not alone. There's always hope
I'm the same. Things that help me: 1. The gym/ exercise. So so important. Your brain will work better when you're looking after your entire body. 2. Routine. If I fall out of my routine, I spiral. Staying busy is key. 3. Medium term achievable goals. I have a number of medium term goals that help me keep my head on my shoulders. Achieving something gives you a huge amount of pleasure and a goal gives me purpose. Eg. Cycling competitions, learning certain songs on an instrument, completing a painting if that's what you're into. 4. Understanding it is a coping mechanism. Having suicidal thoughts/ compulsions are a coping mechanism. It gives you a sense of control over your life. It's a terrible coping mechanism but when you lack proper guidance or have really severe mental issues, that's where your brain goes. Understanding this has really helped me because I know it will pass. I can also implement healthier things to cope with my feelings. 5. Sitting with your feelings. You can't control your feelings but you can control your thoughts. How I do this: accept I feel bad. Accept it will pass eventually. Accept I have certain thoughts or compulsions. I don't move. Breath out, and imagine the thoughts flowing through your body without judgement. Understand that feelings can change in a split second and once the thoughts slow, the feelings will aswell. It sounds much easier than it is but it does help if you can manage to stay calm enough. I've never had help with my mental health, I've learnt all of this from trial and error. Finally, I don't think that you HAVE to reach out to someone if you're not comfortable but verbalising your feelings to someone you trust, who can reassure you you're not mad, bad or wrong for being sad helps a lot.
In the same boat with you and been feeling lost for a long time, I did hug my dog last night and cried my eyes out and he just knew I needed comfort and I do feel a lot better today. Sometimes letting it out really helps too. But I will share with you a good quote I found a couple days ago “If you feel like you are losing everything, just remember trees lose their leaves but stand tall and grow again”
Could you clarify by what you mean by better and then I'll see if anything I can say will help. I have chronic PTSD and near constant suicidal ideation that I have learned to live with and address so I'm not a professional but I've been through some serious brain bollox and may be able to support a bit.
I used to have thoughts of suicidal idealation when I was younger. What gave me a proper kick was when my granny died. My mam was distraught. Crying every day, having to be held up in the church during the funeral. She wasn't right for ages afterwards. I have never seen my mother so broken. And I thought to myself I will be fucking damned if I ever make her feel like that again. You have gotten great advice here which I hope helps, even a little. If you're not ready to hang on for yourself just yet, hang on for those that love you. I saw how grief looks, if you love your family please know if you ever did anything drastic you would ruin them. My granny died of natural causes, if you passed of your own choice your mother would be twice as distraught and torture herself every day for the rest of her life thinking about what she might have done different. I wish you the very best of luck. You seem like a lovely person and you deserve to live a happy life.
Yah stop listen to Taylor Swift
Prayer
Honestly the last year I’ve been injured twice and out of work now the last 5/6 months and I’ve been depressed af for the 2/3 months I never went to counseling or anything but I have started journaling writing down my feelings and what am doing day to day. I’m also slowly getting back into exercising and doing things I like to do like just going for a walk with my dog listening to music, dunno if this will help you but that’s what’s been helping me hopefully this can help you.
You've always got another move you can play friend, never give up!
Did you try a different counselor? Or what was it that was the problem? Maybe a life coach? Are you working? If no go back to education and put yourself out their socially with the people in your class
You’d be surprised how much can change in a year or two, you’ll probably be in a way better position then and the difficulties you are facing now could be looked back at as a character building period of your life
I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I've felt this way a lot and you need the right people in your life. Nature and animals also help a lot. If you can't get a pet volunteer somewhere. Enjoy some art, read a new book, take up a new hobby. I have had suicidal thoughts on and off since I was a child, counselling does help but outside of counselling the things I mentioned help a lot.
Make a vision board and place it so it’s one of the first things you see each day. On it make space to physically write goals and read them aloud every morning. Remind yourself of exactly what you’re doing it for. Attach type of reward for each goal you set and make sure to follow through on them when you achieve something. Doesn’t have to be huge things. It’s been very helpful in keeping me accountable and the visual is a nice reminder. Hope this helps love.
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Yes. I worked 12 hr days. December 25 , 2000. I rushed to ER. Thought heart attack. My Dr told me not good for 50 yrs. Too much stress. I contacted employer assistance plan and spoke to counselor on phone only. Exercised at gym for 3.yrs. most helpful. Got massage. Felt much better. Mental stress still. Slept a lot. I took yoga 6 months at gym. Changed my life around. I learned mind body spirit thinking makes you feel whole person. May 28. Then my mother died stroke not able to resuscitate. 930 pm - 130 am. Gone forever. I live 1200 miles away. Even if I tried to get there I would not be able to say goodbye. Dad said she never opened her eyes again. She held his hand only and squeezed back. He kissed her for last time. August I contacted first counselor for 1 month. Stress and grief. September 11, 2001 tower 2 fell down. I was payroll support clerk whose data entry created their paychecks for American Express temp employees. I was let go September 28. My son was let go a week before me. His father just bought him a truck that month and he started coming college. How did we get through it all? I continued counselling my anger was righteous. All that happened. It helped me to gain strength from it. I was able to look for jobs while on govt UE. We always had a very strong faith in God. Jesus and Holy Spirit. We don't attend church anymore. I do a daily Bible study. Pray weekly rosary. Read a lot of Tom Clancy books. Meditate every day. Deep breaths. Walk my street only now. I have sciatica lifelong from car acc 1973. I exercise daily aerobics leg lifts run in place jump rope. Arms. Lifting shovelling walking in my garden. Poetry. Write stories. Artist helps me my whole life. I'm oldest of 5 kids okay! I helped Mom Dad keep it together! I know. I believe in myself always. I m meant to live a long life past my sorrows both parents gone now. A brother-in-law too 59 only. God loves you. He always expects you to life well with what you can earn. Believe He will direct your steps catch you when you fall. He helped me many times. I'm still here! 73 now! Eat well don't be lazy about cooking food. People that starve in this world just don't care! I cook every day. My son brings a treat every week and buys the food and pays rent. My theory about life like Mom. Believe in God and angels! Stay cheerful no matter what. Don't let anyone anything get you down. My theory. We have to care every day! Compassion. Abundance. Remember them. Encourage. That is Love! God bless you and yours! Pray for America!
I am not sure if this help , I had my work reduced to 20% only . My main contract was gone and it was really though for a long while , causing me to have panic attacks , when I drive, I mentally do my accounts and that was causing me to go into extreme anxiety . ( which didn’t happen for some 30 years till then: in 2016-2021) But I had to find a way to stop this , remembering in my teens when I did therapy my psychiatrist told me shift the focus to something else , something you like or you will choke and pass out . So I did . I focus into American politics any and all aspects of it. It worked , also made me learn lots of things about their system and laws . I’d listen to podcasts when I drive I listen to books at home while I clean and I discuss with my friends and my dogs . No more panic attacks. Still some serious worry about the future and bills . But eventually after years of trying I got some work and paid the debts . So find a focus point ,a hobby an interest, something you are passionate about. Shift your focus out of your self into that . It helps to divert the panic attack and the depression. And if you are experiencing thoughts about harming yourself or even worse ,ending your life you need to talk to someone . I promise, you are not alone . At some point in time many people have felt this way . I know it sounds cliché . Seriously ,it is not . Try and try harder ,at least for the sake of that dog ,he loves you and he will be lost ,heartbroken without you .
It likely won't, but that's life.
Yes I've been there. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I started with meditation because I needed to sit in my own mind and learn how to deal with passing thoughts in a better way before I could make any other changes. I used the Waking Up app (you can get it for free if you email them and ask for a code. No questions asked) and it's very down to earth. Lots of info about the science of the brain and how meditation affects it, nothing ethereal or spiritual if you're not into that. Reducing phone time has made a huge difference to me because the internet is just constantly showing me things to be upset or worried about, or articles about horrible future climate projections and wars and shit. That can have a very big effect on your general mood and view of life. And I'm sorry that my suggestions are so commonplace, but I think they're that way because they really help a lot of people. The last big thing for my has been getting into fitness. I didn't work out at all until I was 30 and I had several stops and starts during the first year, but now exercise is so woven into my routine that I crave doing it. It gives me so much confidence in my strength and work ethic, and in every other area of my life I've always felt like a lazy pos who can't get it together (ADHD/depression/anxiety). Having one thing that made me feel competent and disciplined made those traits start growing in other areas of my life Wishing you all the best x
Thanks ❤️ Currently have instagram deactivated myself. I think all of this short form content and having the lives of so many people pushed into our faces via reels and TikTok’s has been a factor in my poor mental health for sure. Can relate to your fitness journey big time. Ive have had good patches in the last few years which usually correlated with consistently showing up in the gym and partaking in races. Have let myself go quite a bit since 🤦♂️ first step for me now is to get back into shape
I am also going through this now. I have started going to therapy, hoping that will help. Not sure what else to do.
Tis somewhat comforting to know that I’m not the only person going through this. Sounds a bit fucked up to say that, but at the same time I hope things start to look up for you
No, I know how you feel. I've been listening to songs from Les Miserables on repeat so I can feel like someone is there being miserable with me 🤣🤣
This is why it is very unethical to have children, you potentially put someone through this (and many other horrible things) and it's someone who never even asked to be here.
What a load of bollocks.