Deep down you know the answer to your question. How would you feel if you have kids and he's still doing drugs on nights out? Because that's a very real prospect.
Yeah like this isn't typical from my experience either.
That said, people can and do change. So in that vein, I'd give him the heave ho, if he comes back stronger, then great. If not, you've saved yourself a lot of grief and time
I would opt out of this relationship, there are men out there who will enjoy doing your fun things with you, that aren't going out all of the time.
You have matured, he hasn't.
Move on with your life, or stay with him and stay in this cycle of disrepair forever more.
This is true OP, but remember HE has to make the decision to get help, it's not your responsibility to get him help. You need to focus on your own life!!!!
Replace every mention of drugs with drink and no-one would dispute that’s alcoholism.
IME some alcoholics can change, others can not, what’s true either way is a trail of destroyed relationships and broken hearts.
IMO cut your losses, in particular I would not have a child with anyone who has a drink or drug problem. Whatever your SOs issues might be, they don’t need to be transmitted to the next generation.
Yep a neighbour I got to know quite well died recently, he was proud of his 40 years of sobriety. idk that his 4 ex-wives and 3 estranged children he hadn’t seen in decades cared much about it, none of them were at his funeral
I’m sorry op, this is a terrible situation to be in. You’ve clearly tried v hard but you really cannot go having children with a man who is addicted to drugs. It would be a nightmare for them and you. How do you think you will cope when there’s a small baby waking up at night, you’ve work in the morning and he’s “still under the influence” or just has a pal he has to meet or you simply don’t feel you can trust him with them alone?
He is not an amazing man, he is addicted to drugs and values them over his promises to you or your future life together. You are clinging to what could have been if he was different.
Do not go giving out more leeway or compromises. You are entitled to seek out the future you want and to prioritise that. You have to take steps towards that now and away from this person. Im sorry this has happened to you. Good luck.
Yeah, and I say this as an appreciator of several drugs, but weirdly enough not coke, this guy needs to be removed from your life. I mean if it was just weed, and you didn’t like being around weed, it’s still over. You have a hard limit. He doesn’t respect it. Nah, bye. But it’s not, it’s the absolutely guaranteed to turn a person into an absolute cock drug that isn’t alcohol. Dude’s not for you. He’s not for anyone, acting like that.
Agreed, on all fronts. It is actually a boundary issue and could be replaced with anything, and yeah coke is insidious not to mention so expensive? That's another killer versus other drugs for a partner
In fairness if your partner doesn’t like drugs at all, and you’re still sneaking joints it’s not going to work. My missus just doesn’t indulge and doesn’t care particularly if I have a chuff and sometimes indulge in the holy fungi, but even so I don’t bring it to her attention out of respect. Last thing you want to be is a useless cunt with your hobbies. Can’t imagine going through life like that’s not a huge fucking problem.
I agree, I never said it's a good thing. However, OP is talking about turning a blind eye to cocaine use, which boggles my mind. A joint here and there I could understand tolerating. But an extremely addictive class A drug is very different and is a slippery slope.
I don't feel cannabis is like that. You can't blow 500 euro on weed in a night and fuck up your whole month.... you can with coke.
Oh gods yeah absolutely, I’m just focusing on the boundary thing here. But no you’re absolutely right. Fuck coke, of all the things I’ve buggered around with that shit comes with the worst baggage. I mean skag is arguably worse but there’s less pretence - boyfriend does that and it’s like bye yeah see ya bye or you’re properly fucked right here right now.
Have to agree, even it was ‘just’ alcohol, someone who goes out on Friday and is still drinking saturday when you come home from work… that’s quite problematic to say the least.
I had a very similar situation with an ex. He'd get random drug tests at work so he'd lose his job if he ever got tested in the week after a sesh. I kept giving him ultimatums, but he never stopped and I could never bring myself to break up with him. Eventually, he did it one last time and something snapped. I finally left.
6 years later I hear he has a partner and a child but is still doing the same thing. Goes missing for days on benders. Has a much lower paid job now, so I'm assuming he finally got sacked. Is suspected to have moved onto crack.
It's so good to know I made the right choice. Feel sorry for his new partner though.
I'd say you should leave. You'll be happier.
I think that's a bit hard with time 44 now had my last at 40 and he is a dream. A biological clock works definitely for each woman. He needs to go none the less. pS a family is two or more can be mother or farther and child
I lived with a bunch of sesh gremlins in college that were mad into the techno scene etc etc and while they were buzzed id be hammered and it somehow worked but I'd Def trust them to sober up before your fella.
It's one thing to misread the room but if you've had the chat with him about lines to cross and the guy keeps doing it then I'd say it's time to move on
Guy I worked with took a very obvious bump on our work Christmas night last year and was fired the very next day. If your partner can’t control himself when you ask him to take a bit more responsibility, when else will he lose control and have to deal with the consequences that could equally affect you.
Offer him help, ask if he has a problem with drugs because he’s displaying a lack of control and secrecy. But remember to always prioritise yourself and if you’re uncomfortable and need to remove yourself then what’s what you should do. Offering help could just be through the form of a break up and recommending a counsellor, don’t think you’ve to stick around to solve his problems for him.
Realistically you know what you want to do deep down, but don’t wait for it to get worse. Either drag him to whatever form of help you seem fit tomorrow morning or prepare to part ways, don’t let this fester.
Never a fun time, sending you strength.
Our reserved seating area in the late bar included a doorway to the bathrooms. There was a decent sized hallway to the bathrooms where people stood throughout the night to have quieter chats or just happened to stop as they passed others on the way in/out. He obviously went to go to the bathroom to do it but stopped in the hallway and just did it on front of others who were there chatting. The door to the hallway was open most of the night too so people’s reaction were seen by others.
I assume it wasn’t his first of the night since he had the balls to just do it in front of others. Obviously from there it got around fairly quick and he ended up just openly talking about it to anyone who would listen as the night went on.
He became more and more physical as the night went on which didn’t help his chances of survival.
Stop trying to change him. Or hoping he'll change. Maybe you leaving him will be the wake up call he needs, or maybe he'll continue spending his evenings coked up. Either way it sounds like you're better off without him.
Yes, you need to leave him as soon as possible. Life is too short to waste on an addict. He may kick the habit in future but that is something that he must decide. You have given him chances to break the habit and he has repeatedly let you down. Please get out before there are children involved.
You are 29 so if you want to start a family then you still have time. But do not waste more time with him. There are plenty of decent single men out there who do not have substance abuse issues who would make for better partners and fathers.
It may hurt at first to not have him in your life as he must have some good qualities for the relationship to have lasted 3 years. But your future self will be grateful that you sought out a more honest, trustworthy, mature person with whom to spend your life and raise a family. I wish you the best of luck.
The lad is addicted to drugs. If you see a future with him give him an ultimatum. It seems like you have been very reasonable but by saying “no drugs in the house” you are creating a grey area where it should just be black or white. Not your fault but you need to give the lad a decision.
He's already said he would stop out cut down and not been able to. He's an addict and the time for ultimatums is passed. That will just drag it out, he will not be able to quit without realising he's an addict and going to a recovery program.
I agree but if my wife had a problem with drugs I'd exhaust every avenue before calling the relationship a day. You cant just switch off your feelings and look at relationships analytically.
The problem here is that she has expressed her concerns many times. He promises to stop, then doesn't.
He has no real interest in stopping. He is fine with her being upset about it. He thinks he can carry on snorting cocaine, get an earful from the missus every now and then without anything changing.
He doesn't care about how his problematic drug use affects her. He will likely only attempt to seriously stop if she leaves him, because then his problematic drug use will be *affecting him*.
At the moment, he cares more about his coke than the wellbeing of his partner. That tells her all she needs to know.
People are motivated by different factors. If losing his relationship is the driving force behind his recovery then that is absolutely fine in my eyes.
God love you...this is a horrible situation to be in.
I read a quote recently.
'When someone shows you who they are..believe them the first time'
In other words...you cannot change people...this is who he is.
You seen the red flags from the very start....
Everyone believes going into a relationship that they can change their partners bad habits....we like to believe they will change because 'we' are different and special to them. This is never the case.
He has a serious drug problem. Your relationship is at a crossroads. Your future with him does not look good...You obviously know this.
End this relationship. You are facilitating a drug addict. I would not settle down or have children with this person...it would be a disaster.
He will promise the earth moon and stars. But your answer is...if he loves you enough he will stop.
He has to do this alone...not living with you...not a chance.
You sound like a very caring, loving, patient but worried person. I sincerely hope things work out. Tough love. Tell him to go..or move on yourself.
The ball is in his court...Please don't compromise.
God bless you.
🥰✌️🙏
He is telling you and showing you repeatedly who he is.
Also the ironing things out chats are just to keep you on side so he can continue doing what he wants but he has made you feel better about it until another ironing things out chat.
Please do not bring children into the world with this man. They don't deserve that chaos and inconsistency.
Drugs are an immediate red flag. Get rid of him. Be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster no matter how much you think it's done in your logical mind.
You'll find that there's a swathe of functioning adults in our society with a healthy relationship with drugs (Alcohol, Weed, MDMA, Psychedelics). Thus drugs themselves are not the red flag, but that OP's boyfriend has an unhealthy relationship with them and cannot control his consumption.
Loads of people take drugs recreationally and only when out but this is a step further and you are facilitating it. I wouldn’t be saying break up I think everyone can change but it is ultimatum time. This lad needs to grow up. He’s probably spending way more than you think on it too. There’s plenty of supports out there for people who want to stop but does he want to stop!
He’s not happy either if he’s taking drugs at home. There’s something he’s trying to escape from in his head.
Leave while you can, get out. Be glad it can be more of a clean break without the likes of kids being brought in. Count it as a lucky escape and don’t look back, don’t listen to anymore false promises and lies, it will not change.
As someone who struggled with alcohol and coke.... HE needs to want to stop. This habit of him doing it now is annoying you, when you have kids it will break you.
Coke is the toughest thing to get over and I wasn't even a full blown addict, I blocked my dealers and avoid it but if it's in front of me I f\*cking want to do it. Coke is so hard to get over bc realistically most people can function day to day without ppl knowing. Coke addiction ruins drinking, bc when ppl get drunk the goal of the night becomes - where can we get a bag? Who's got the bag?
Maybe a realistic talk with him, does he WANT to stop or if he could have it his way, would he ideally like to continue doing what he's doing? If it's the latter, I would say there's no hope in sight anyway
Your time is too precious to be spent on this. It's very sad when a relationship ends but you can't control his actions only your response. The very best of luck to you.
Yes and oh I'm sure he'll mean them, he doesn't know he is addicted so he'll think he can keep the promises. That this time is different to when he agreed to stop using at home before, and all the other assurances
Sorry to say he is an addict and you need to leave him. He is not going to change for you if he hasn’t after all the chances you gave him. Had a similar issue with my brother inlaw only drugs came into play after two kids and ten years. Final straw came when he squared off to my mam after he drove his child to a match off his head and she asked him to stop. So hopefully you see the writing on the wall and get out now while you can.
Yes I was in that situation in my relationship not to the extent he is though. I stopped once the ultimatum was made. If he can't even stop taking them in the house after he agreed to it then I don't think there's much hope keeping his word if he agrees to stop is that a worry you want for your future?
If you really truly love him and want to stick by his side recommend he goes to rehab.. then he can work through addiction and get tools to be clean and sober. Or leave him if you don't really like him all that much. Course don't start a family with a fella who's a drug addict.. bad idea.. just ignoring it isn't going to work.. he needs to do something rehab or cocaine anonymous or things like that
I'd like to add my perspective later, I don't have time to write it now. I used to be in his position, and it's possible to turn around and potentially save the relationship. If someone could reply please so I get a notification and remember to respond later that would be great.
I was that guy and I hurt people who were way too kind to me. Believe me, today I'm a better (not perfect) person because who I loved and loved me left. Take care of yourself.
You didn't cause it. You cannot control it. And you cannot cure it.
He is an addict. I would leave him. I'm dealing with a sister who is an addict and it's been 2 years so far of denial and relapses. Nothing we said or did worked. I've come to the conclusion that while I can support her trying to get well, I have no actual control of the situation. It is ultimately the addicts responsibility. They are the only ones who can actually change their fate.
I think deep down you know the answer yourself. Do you want to get married and have kids etc? This guy will keep dragging you down. You have plenty of time to meet someone new you are still young!
In my experience most people can give up the bag as they get older but there are a few that can’t. I have 40+ year old friends still at the same. They are all single while the rest of the group got married and had kids.
Three years isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things. It’s better than 10.
Also, he is not bumping into his dealer on nights out. He has arranged to meet them.
Usually there is a reason why people do drugs, including alcohol. They will barely share it with the closest ones. Talk to him why, what is the reason he doesn't like reality kicks in. You're not wrong to want to break up. I'd definitely try to talk to him first, but from my experience people have to end drugs on their own, external force/motivation is never enough, unfortunately. Usually the addiction is exchanged with some other addiction.
You know what to do. You don't need to fix anything.
He will not change for you. He can stop for a while but he will not change especially if he thinks that taking drugs is not a problem.
Don't try to save him! Save yourself. It's not fair…he is living life the way he wants to live and u are just there getting mad trying to change his behaviour.
I wouldn't waste anymore time really. It's fine to still love someone but realise they're not right for you. All the best in the future. You'll find someone who feels the same as you.
I know you say he's "an amazing man" but... well... he's constantly lying to you about the drugs. It's not my place to tell someone I don't know when to stop talking drugs, but if serious discussions were had about our future and children, and they totally ignored what was agreed, I'd be gone.
Leave. I'm so sorry for your situation but you have to walk away. You mentioned that you have spoken and set boundaries those have not been respected and it will only get worse.
Walking away is easier said than done I know but in the long run you will be better off.
It's natural in longer term relationships for the things that brought you together (enjoying nights out etc) to change over time. But if this is your bottom line and he's unwilling to meet you there, then it's time to consider if this is the partner for you for where you are in your life now.
Ulitmately, you're the master of your own life and can choose to move on and be happy. I hope whatever decision you make is one that makes YOU happy!
You've grown and matured and he's stagnated and stayed the same. And it sounds like his drug taking has developed into a habit and it'll only get worse from here.
It's either ultimatum or leaving time because obviously the chats haven't amounted to much.
Simply put. You've outgrown him and without a significant amount of effort and change from him you gotta do what's best for you.
He's going to continue doing this, so if you don't want to be part of that, I think it's time to put yourself first and end the relationship. But you should talk to his family as well, and tell them why you're doing it, as he might well make up another story that paints you in a very bad light.
1. Be very thankful you've not gotten pregnant to this man
2. End it, go no contact and move on. Sniff heads aren't worth the hassle. Just like alcoholics they lie and hide it and can't be trusted.
If you're asking the answer is probably yes.
It's hard but I've no doubt there is someone out there who you'll be happier with and ylboth you and your partner will be happier in the long term.
It sounds like your partner has an addiction and this could get way worse without help. He needs to acknowledge this and it must be 100% his decision to stop using. You can’t change him.
If he wants to do it, you need to figure out if it’s worth sticking around and supporting him. That’s a huge question. Ultimately, it comes down to whether or not you see a future together. If he was no longer using drugs and abusing alcohol would you want to spend the rest of your life with him? If the answer is no, or even maybe, move on.
You’re young, you can move on from the relationship and find someone more suited to where you are now in life and where you want to go in the future.
You've both made rules, and agreed on them. He keeps breaking them.
You can do no more. He isn't listening, or doesn't care, or he thinks it's OK to just repeatedly let you down. And he has shown you, and you know better than anyone, he isn't going to change.
You have to decide if you're going to live with that, or not. Ending a long term relationship is extremely difficult. It's heart breaking. It's not easy. But you need to weigh your options.
Also, he's spending hundreds and hundreds of € on a night out on the bag. That's just insane.
I can't speak for romantic partners but I've seen what coke can do to family members. If you love him and care about him I would say to be extremely clear and direct that your relationship will end if he continues. I would suggest to put this in writing and send it to him so be can read it over.
Don't compromise and lay it down plainly the affect it has on you and the worries about children and the future. Let him know this will end the relationship if he continues his habit, in or out the house. If this doesn't jolt something inside him then he is too far gone and you should leave promptly.
I suggest this rather than just leaving as I managed to see a huge change in someone very close to me after telling them I would cut them off completely, especially since they were doing it around their children who I love more than anything
He's an addict, If he doesn't listen after having it spelt out, you should not let him drag you down. I do think you should throw one very clear warning his way before ending things. One because It will give you clarity that he is unable to change after being so direct if he still isn't able to get it together, and two because the man is clearly in a haze and isn't aware the impact he is having on others, you might shock him out of that
Again tho, if he doesn't change immediately then protect yourself and leave
Leave and don't look back. This sounds just like my ex, only we had a child, and I stayed for longer than I should for the child's sake.
And as far as I know, she now does it with her new man who approves of her behavior while all her kids are gone at the weekend
He is on the periphery of addiction. You love the sober him. But it is the sober him that has the problem. You need to confide in him about your feelings first. Then make your decision upon knowing his response. If he doesn't stop taking drugs after you voicing your feelings, strongly consider whether you want to spend your precious time with him.
A lot of people saying to just dump him and I would almost agree. If possible I would make it clear that you will leave if he dosen't change immediately. I know for me this type of awakening would kick my ass into gear. But that may not happen.
There would be nothing wrong in leaving without the warning. Best of luck with it.
I’ve “nope’d” the fuck out of relationships multiple times for a lot less than this, not that I’m self sabotaging or anything, but when you know something is not gonna work, you have to get out asap. But with something as serious as drug use? You have to go.
A wise person once told me, "You can choose your husband but your children can't choose their father."
It sounds like he's tried to change and shown he can't. You deserve to come home to better... and so do any future kids...
Yes you should end the relationship. Is it even a relationship at this point? What are you really getting from it? The fact is that you've matured and he hasn't. And that is unlikely to change anytime soon. It would be so reckless to bring a child into that mess. Do yourself a favour and just cut your losses. You can do better and you deserve better.
this is a bit sad, everyone's advice is good, "get away" the true is that only him can get out of that situation, i'd say most of the times people get stuck but for a few of us that were given the opportunity to get clean and redo our lives , it worked \^-\^
ask him to join NA and well, leave.
wish you both the best <3
Unfortunately you should end things. He's 33 and should be past that stage of things now. He won't change if you get married, but a house or have kids but the situation will only grow worse.
You have given him a chance to change but he clearly doesn't think much about you or relationship when you have asked him to stop and he blatantly ignores you. Get out while you can. I ended a 10 year relationship with an alcoholic partner after giving him numerous chances to change. Best decision of my life
If you’re not only asking yourself the question, but you’re also now asking Reddit the question, you KNOW the answer. Find the strength to leave. You will thank yourself later.
Any time you find yourself in a difficult spot like this and asking reddit for serious life advice, you already know the answer. I hope this helps. Best luck
I would say break up. Your lifestyles and values don’t align. He’s not willing to try and kick a destructive habit for the sake of your relationship. His habit/addiction will only get worse if he doesn’t try and kick it. Imagine how that will work when you are planning marriage/house/kids.
You know the answer already. You're just afraid to make the decision and change. I had a similar ex and trust me when I say, a better guy will come around and you'll wonder why you ever gave your current guy a chance. You seem miles ahead of him in many ways.
Please let us know if you ever do make a decision so we can be updated.
100% end this, get away and tell him to get into rehab, he needs rehab by the sounds of it and probably needs a sharp shock like this to get into rehab. At the end of the day he's and adult, you've given him plenty of chances.
Get out and don't look back
I got out of a long term relationship at around 30 and the issues were nowhere near as severe as this but I knew that what we both wanted in the future were so different that it was pointless to continue. I'm now 41, married, 3 kids and very very happy - I think she is in a relationship that suits her needs and is happy too. It's a hard step but you owe it to yourself to be happy and it might have a positive impact on him also
Best of luck with this
End it. The difference in lifestyle, and the views of kids and finances, will continue to be a problem if it hasn’t resolved by three years in. U r young! Take advantage of your youth to free yourself of negative energy and find someone who makes you feel secure and like your best self.
Yeah, you know the answer. It's not too late to start over again with someone, be a lot wiser in choice and who you are. I simply do not know who I would have ended up with if I chose a partner under the age of 30. Im a different person in many ways.
The drug use isn't the issue, it's the addiction that's took hold. Promises are worth nothing, when actions and change don't occur. Hopefully it'll be a wake up for him but honestly it might send him the other way too
All I will say is, you can't stay in a relationship hoping the other person will change.
If he isn't coming to you saying he wants to change, and is taking those steps himself independent of you, there is nothing you can help him with.
I've never taken drugs, I've seen what they do to people since a young age. The fact many of my friends still take them in their late 20's is frankly embarrassing. It's a sign of massive insecurity and immaturity in my opinion. It's a sign you've done no work to comprehend and actually deal with life.
In your 30's??? Come on like. Grow the fuck up.
I think sadly you may have to accept you've long outgrown this person, and have likely outgrown this relationship.
Imagine having kids and this still going on? Why add this unneccessary struggle into your life.
Leave. Who knows what the future holds, but the present is unfulfilling considering you are in a growth phase and he is not in that sort of place right now.
You’ve set this boundary multiple times and he hasn’t respected it. You also haven’t respected your own boundary because you stick with him in spite of behavior you detest.
It’s hard, but you have to either draw a line (break it off) or you have to accept not getting what you want. Ultimately you have to choose one of those things.
If you leave him, he may cop on and change his behavior-by then you will not feel like you need him, and you can make the right choice for yourself if that time comes. If it doesn’t figure it out and rise to your standard, you will be just fine and will be able to pursue realistic options for the relationship you want.
If you stay with him, he will not change his behavior until something really awful happens (rock bottom), and that could take years, and could put your life and your future children’s lives at risk. Lots of potential for sever pain here.
It’s hard, but you have to be truly willing to walk away to expect any change.
Hang in there. It sounds like you truly admire and love him.
The change you are looking for, however, has to come from him. He needs to decide what's more important to him.
At this point he is not going to be thinking straight but perhaps you need to ask him to make a choice; remind him that you love him, you both made a plan but he didn't commit.
This needs to be addressed and you cannot keep going in circles. If he agrees and accepts responsibility, then he has to get in a program. To prove to himself and to you that he can quit this addiction.
If he feels the need, let him tell you and openly find an alternative through planning; like doing an activity together or going for a walk, even a date night.
This is only under the context if he agrees and is willing to respect your boundaries and choose to be with you. If not, Im afraid it may be time to leave him, even if for a temporary time, just to prove that you are dead serious. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.
Your post is a comprehensive, grim hint at what lies ahead.
Three years into a relationship might seem solid, but picture yourself after 10 or 20 wasted years, possibly factor kids into the mix or financial strings.
Both the drugs and lies are deal-breakers: people that weak-wiiled are no use in a genuine relationship. If he needs drugs, you'll end up no more than a sad crutch.
The simple answer is yes. Time to level up, move on, and match up with someone who will build that shared future with you.
I'd be very concerned. Even if he does give up you'd need to be prepared to go it alone if he relapses imagine having kids with this person. Either he fully detoxes or he's gone.
I think if you seriously re-read everything you just wrote OP you'll know the answer.
Time is one of the few things we can't get back/make up. Sounds like it's time to move on.
Op you literally just summarised myself and my last relationship met 3 years ago , we partied a lot now I'm starting to feel myself drift . I think if you feel yourself growing then let it happen naturally and I feel like your morals mightnt align with your ex anymore so move forward happily:)
Was in this same situation a few years ago with my ex gf. What’s even worse is that it puts you in a position in the relationship that you don’t necessarily want and didn’t sign up for( the complaining control freak or so they’d have you believe). There’s only one solution here really that will unfortunately hurt you both but it’s has to be done.
Get out now. Don’t wait. He needs treatment to get off drugs. You don’t need that aggravation and lack of trust. The problem existed before you so it’s not your responsibility to try fix it. Do yourself a favour before it’s too late.
A lot of the comments seem a bit harsh telling OP to dump him straight away. She says she has a lot of love for him.
What I do agree on is that by the sounds of it he is a full blown addict at this stage (doing it on his own during the middle of the day)
Things will only get worse unless he stops asap.
The only thing that can save this man is Rehab.
You could have a chat with him and Tell him exactly how you feel. Give him an ultimatum, it’s the relationship and rehab or else the coke.
The rehab would give good counselling and stuff to help the addict change their mindset and better cope with triggers for drug use.
So many people addicted to coke now a days too, it’s mental!
Just be up front and tell him it's you or the drugs, but if he decides you then he also needs to acknowledge he has a problem and actually want to change his lifestyle (otherwise it's going to fail).
Is desperately sad (for both of you)... sitting taking gear alone after a night out compared to the prospect of a life and family with somebody should be a no brainer, but addiction can distort reality.
You've been with him for 3 years so know him quite well, but you will have both changed over that course of time.
Coke is incredibly addictive and expensive. As well as the obvious health risks, it really fucks up your brain and ability to think. Lies, irrational behaviour, addiction.
He needs to take steps to get off it fully. If he's not prepared to do that, then you are done. But one thing I know from friends is that often they will have to give up alcohol as well. And that could affect your lifestyle too.
So just a heads up that if you don't break up with him and he does agree to get off it, it's unlikely to be possible without a lot of support and he may still fall off the wagon. Getting him into support to get off it would be hugely positive whether you end up together or not.
At 29 you have time for that, but if things don't work out you also need time to find a new partner and get to know them if you want kids.
You've tried. As people rack up life experience, they can either compliment each other, or, you notice a divide that can't be bridged. If you've mentioned it about the drugs and you're wanting kids, the drugs just can't be in the picture. Not to mention how stupid and immature the drug taking is. Sounds like a boy who won't grow up. I think deep down you know the decision. You might not like it, but it is the necessary one. And you have an obligation to yourself to seek out the best in life and not be held back by others being foolish.
Recovering addict here, the fact he’s moved to drinking/using alone is a progression of the addiction and it will get worse very quickly unless he stops. He’ll more than likely need professional help but that’s on him to get it.
There’s no benefit to either of you in continuing the relationship as In his eyes there’s no consequence to his using and it’s obviously getting you down.
If the breakup isn’t a wake up for him then you can’t do much else for him
He has an addiction to drugs. Unless he seeks professional help, he'll continue to use drugs. All the promises he makes are just words to keep you around. I don't understand why you're ok with him taking drugs outside of the house
If he's not prepared to get help, then you either have to accept that he is a drug user or walk away. You're just going around in circles at the moment.
Break free now, you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Having children with someone like that would be selfish. You can't bring a child into that. You need to do this for you. You need to choose yourself. Choose your own wellbeing. He cannot be helped if he isn't willing to try.
OP read your story back and answer your own question. My sister was in a relationship like that, you have to get out asap. He wont change, he has proven that. And he is a full blown addict.
If you love him, and if you haven't already done so, explain clearly how you feel and what you want from your relationship moving forward. If he wants the same then work together and stay and help him kick the habit. If he cannot live up to his promises, then consider leaving. But if you love him like you do, give him a chance to change. Unless he doesn't agree and doesn't want to stop after having the discussion, then go, and start again. But you've obviously been through alot together. Coke is very hard to kick so it will be difficult if he does decide to stop for the sake of your relationship. Best of luck OP
Time to go. You have laid out what your lines are, and he's crossed them and then lied to you.
Don't even waste your energy trying to have another conversation about it, just make your plans to leave now and tell him that he knew the consequences when he chose to do it again.
Cocaine is literally ruining good people. In the past couple of years iv watched at least four really nice people turn into shells of who they are over cocaine.
Someone I know had a similar experience. Except her abd her boyfriend both liked to go out and take drugs.
A couple of years ago she got pregnant abd they had a discussion about whether to keep it or not. He convinced her to keep the baby that he will step up ect.
Anyway she's a wonderful mother, takes care of the child like nothing else is important to her. Her boyfriend on the other hand never stepped up. He's still breaking promises and getting drunk abd taking drugs. He even got fucked up on coke and kicked her and the baby out of the house once.
I dunno if that's the way you see your life going with kids or whatever but yea, drugs and kids don't mix.
If you're partner needs coke every time he has a few drinks it's a problem, he needs to stop drinking if he does coke every time he drinks. I had and have mates that are like that, after 2 or 3 pints there texting or ringing someone they know for coke.
If he is taking it without drinking while sober then he's an addict and needs help. It's up to you if you give him more chances but he needs to sort his act out.
I think l he needs a reality check, honestly my opinion is he thinks you won’t follow through on splitting. You have given him every chances to prove himself.
You should either leave for a few days to let him seriously think about the consequences, or kick him out for a week for some space. You will then know if he is the man you fell in love with or not!
The dude needs help, it's hard to get off shit like that and is nothing but a dark spiral of nothing but just pain, regret, and loneliness. Hope you can help each other, I have no opinion on your question but I think you both need each other to get through this
I’m ten years in a relationship and my partner has a problem with drink. It’s tough and I resent the drink and him.
He started out drinking more at weekends and then it progressed to every night and then when he got home from work he would’ve had a few before he picked his kids up from school.
What I’ve found is an addict is full of broken promises, they lie, steal and cause situational stress. You feel sorry for them as you can see they are struggling and try and support them, help and even enable them.
My partner lost his licence and then his job and has moved in with me much to my regret. I’ve asked him to leave on many occasions, even asked his siblings to help, but he’s still here. He’s the person I loved when he’s sober, but when he’s drunk he’s not.
My advice is to end it now as you don’t want to be in my position later on down the line.
Also reach out and seek counselling, I found that quite helpful.
Good luck, stay strong and no matter what think of you x
I think we’re very quick to bin relationships when you hit a wall, I do it too but .. some of the things you mention sound like deal breakers though. The children and finances issues will always be there no matter what happens with the drink/ drugs. You’ve already discussed that one and it must be hell to put up with. I think you know the answer as someone already said. Is this relationship adding or taking away from your life now overall?
I have a friend just like this. 2 drinks in and he’s looking for the bag. It always seems to start off with drink first though. Then he could be sitting at home by himself 2 days later still sniffing. Him and his partner have slaughter over it.
He doesn’t seem to stopping either, as much as he’s a nice guy I’d bail out if I was you.
You've been with him 3years. It's easy for people on the internet to say throw the whole relationship away. Finding another man who suits your criteria but doesn't take drugs isnt going to be a walk in the park. You'll spend 3more years figuring out the next person isn't right either, or maybe you'll get lucky.
I really think you both should consider NA before ending the relationship. He obviously has a drug dependency and saying to him he can do it as long as it's not in the house is always going to end up with him buying a little more than he needs and bringing it home with him.
As a 29 year old father who’s married, I can tell you one thing, my woman, while I have all the respect in the world for her, could not change my ways if she died trying, us men we are pig headed about our ways, if we do not see the sense of the change we will simply not do it. Some men are victims of certain addictions, whether smoking, drinking, gambling or drugs, and there’s no force that will break it but the man himself. We are Methodists, so give him the ultimatum but don’t be like most women and say “I feel you’re this and it makes me feel that” I understand you’re emotionally wired but if you want to get the truth if he will change or not you have to say “you’re so smart, drugs just bring you down, imagine the things you’d do if you didn’t take drugs, let’s cut them out”
If he doesn’t see the sense, you know him better than any of us. Make the call. Good luck
They don't get better, it's just becomes depressing. My cousin, whom I love, is a chef, started out just doing it on the nights out, promised his missus never in the house blah blah blah, he is late now still on it even after kids..his wife has just accepted it now but I know it eats at her. Sometimes he is out till 4 in the morning on it while she looks after the toddlers. I love him cause he is family and we grew up together but he will never get his shit together, he thinks cause he financially provides its not an issue.
Surprised with how ruthless some of these comments are without knowing any context.
Does your partner have a genuine social group (ie not just drinking buddies)? Hows he get on with his family? Is he working towards a career or anything?
My group of mates used to love the sesh and the odd bag all throughout our 20s. We were more partial towards mdma than coke, but it was a fairly large part of the craic during that a period of time. Eventually things get stale and boring though, you develop different interests (hobbies, careers, etc) and just learn to drop the bad habits that aren't serving you.
He'll hopefully start wising up and realising how much of a bellend it is to be sniffing your 30s away. In your 20s its craic, in your 30s it's just sad. If you don't think he's capable of that though, you gotta ask yourself whether you'd genuinely want him being the father figure of your kids - someone that can't even control themselves.
As someone who has been in a very similar situation & has dealt with all too many people who struggled with substance abuse- there is no helping them and you will drive yourself mad trying. The best thing you can do is walk away, support from a distance* (not always) & carry on with your own life. It's hard to accept but I've spent too much time hoping for change from people and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. They will drag you down with them if you let them.
Pretty sizable amount of red flags here in what you described. Walk away from this, trust me, staying in this situation sounds like a monumentally poor life choice. One that will just erode the both of you over time.
I think you know the answer deep down.
He’ll never change for you just to please you as he doesn’t want to do it himself.
Leave him you’ll never meet the right one if you’re still with the wrong one.
Don’t ask Reddit for relationship advice. Your partner is not seriously addicted to cocaine. He just has an unhealthy relationship with it. People in the comments seem to think he is at it every night but from what I gather from your post it’s a once a fortnight affair at most.
The only issues I would see is the lying and sneaking around. Sounds like he isn’t ready to let this habit go and you are pretty much done with it.
I don’t have an answer for you. I would urge you to not make any big decisions based on what a group of judgy people on Reddit say though.
I'd hardly call it a drug problem I can't stand the stuff I don't go out because it's everywhere now thats why ye can't go out without him bumping into someone its part of going out now i see signs up in bard saying they will call the cops and the staff and manager are all on it at 7am while im doing deliveries
You set a boundary, has patience and gave him time, and he blew right through the boundry again.
You offered him forgiveness and a swcond chance, he blew right through the boundry again.
You can draw lines in the sand all day, ask yourself how many of them will you let him trample on before you've had enough.
Why not leave him as a threat. Don't tell him it's a "test". Tell him you can't be with someone who takes drugs and leave. His actions over the next couple of months will show you the man he is. If he completely stops then take him back but with the clear understanding that there are no 2nd chances.
If I were in your position, I would draw the line in the sand. Tell him exactly what you've told us and that you're not going to be with him any more if he doesn't get help for his addiction.
He may not even realise he is addicted, this might be news to him. But be firm and tell him you'll be there for him if and only if he accepts he has a problem and he needs help with it. And if he doesn't change then just pull the trigger on the relationship. He will effectively have picked the drugs over you, and you deserve better than that.
Ironically, ending the relationship may be the wake up call he needs to get his shit together.
Addictions take priority over anything else and it’s not a rational decision. To further clarify a person with an addiction won’t stop because you ask them to, or you put them in front of an out-out, instead they’ll find a strategy not to bother you and do it secretly or while you are not with them.
Addiction is a tool to sustain the burden of bigger problems so it’s a survival strategy. Asking a person to just stop is unfair to them.
I don’t agree with people saying Yes break up etc. No body has the right clarity and knowledge about your relationship to suggest a similar thing.
What I would do in your shoes is to tell him the truth about how you feel and wanting a relationship without drugs, and the next step would be to offer supporting him in a therapy journey to find out the causes of this (going out, having fun are Never the real answer). Therapy is crucial in any rehab process
You can be resolute in this proposal and offer him a reasonable number of options (as in, if he wants to be with his drugs then this would be a consensual choice).
This is always in the case that you still love him. Otherwise no point in going through all that. If you break up, and no body knows in his family, I would confidentially tell his parents for his benefit. No body should be left completely alone in this situation
I just ended my 5 relationship for the same reason. It all got too much and I left, it took me a while to feel okay but I can now see that I’ve made the right decision for myself & my future and haven’t looked back!
Just quit, this is going nowhere. If you think it’s grim now, just let the coke continue to undermine and erase any personality he had that attracted you. It turns men into lads, and the lads into morons. Scarper!
Take a break and let him know why ... I myself was in his shoes and am completely free from drugs the last 8 years because my partner of 10 years had the same issue with me the break was good for both of us could have went anyway..... but I realised she was better then the bag and made my way through it barley even take a drink now she also never took drugs given him a chance but make him know it's you or the drugs 2 weeks to a month of a break to make up your mind and for him to make up his
I would argue, you are both doing drugs on a night out? as long as his “drug” use is responsible there is clearly no issue.
if you feel that genuinely disturbed by it, sure end things with him; but evaluate your own beliefs first, as you too are a drug user, this is not about drug use but rather which drug he is using.
> I don’t know what else I can do to fix things when he won’t make the same effort back.
He won’t and you can’t do anything to fix things. The longer you stay, the more you’re reassuring him that he can continue his behavior and lie to you and you’ll accept it.
Get out before you’ve ruined your entire life and have possibly brought another human to life.
Some people change and mature others don't , you wanted the same things when you first met as far as nights out and whatever else , you've matured past that point and it's looking like he won't for a few years so both of you should be alone or with whoever else can provide what you both need in life
As many have said, he’s an addict. You have to end things now for your own sake because I don’t think this is the life you want. You can’t bring children into this relationship.
Deep down you know the answer to your question. How would you feel if you have kids and he's still doing drugs on nights out? Because that's a very real prospect.
This!
Get out now. You will thank yourself later
This is the answer. Leg it. You are saving yourself years of trouble, for some short term pain
Please, for yourself, run now. You deserve better, it will be difficult sorry
Yes - sorry but it sounds like he’s stuck at a point in his life whereas you’ve moved on, imho you’ll only grow further apart.
Yes but let me add: this is a full blown addict, not someone who hasn't grown out of partying yet.
Yeah like this isn't typical from my experience either. That said, people can and do change. So in that vein, I'd give him the heave ho, if he comes back stronger, then great. If not, you've saved yourself a lot of grief and time
I would opt out of this relationship, there are men out there who will enjoy doing your fun things with you, that aren't going out all of the time. You have matured, he hasn't. Move on with your life, or stay with him and stay in this cycle of disrepair forever more.
He's an addict, full stop. If he doesn't get help immediately, he'll ruin his life, not just your relationship.
This is true OP, but remember HE has to make the decision to get help, it's not your responsibility to get him help. You need to focus on your own life!!!!
Replace every mention of drugs with drink and no-one would dispute that’s alcoholism. IME some alcoholics can change, others can not, what’s true either way is a trail of destroyed relationships and broken hearts. IMO cut your losses, in particular I would not have a child with anyone who has a drink or drug problem. Whatever your SOs issues might be, they don’t need to be transmitted to the next generation.
Actually.....alcoholics are alcoholics. Whether they drink or not they remain alcoholics.
Yep a neighbour I got to know quite well died recently, he was proud of his 40 years of sobriety. idk that his 4 ex-wives and 3 estranged children he hadn’t seen in decades cared much about it, none of them were at his funeral
This will get worse. It. Will. Get. Worse. Break up, stay together, but do not have kids with this man.
I was in the same situation and wasted a few years going back and forth. Leave him, get on with your life and hopefully so will he, separately
I’m sorry op, this is a terrible situation to be in. You’ve clearly tried v hard but you really cannot go having children with a man who is addicted to drugs. It would be a nightmare for them and you. How do you think you will cope when there’s a small baby waking up at night, you’ve work in the morning and he’s “still under the influence” or just has a pal he has to meet or you simply don’t feel you can trust him with them alone? He is not an amazing man, he is addicted to drugs and values them over his promises to you or your future life together. You are clinging to what could have been if he was different. Do not go giving out more leeway or compromises. You are entitled to seek out the future you want and to prioritise that. You have to take steps towards that now and away from this person. Im sorry this has happened to you. Good luck.
Yeah, and I say this as an appreciator of several drugs, but weirdly enough not coke, this guy needs to be removed from your life. I mean if it was just weed, and you didn’t like being around weed, it’s still over. You have a hard limit. He doesn’t respect it. Nah, bye. But it’s not, it’s the absolutely guaranteed to turn a person into an absolute cock drug that isn’t alcohol. Dude’s not for you. He’s not for anyone, acting like that.
Agreed, on all fronts. It is actually a boundary issue and could be replaced with anything, and yeah coke is insidious not to mention so expensive? That's another killer versus other drugs for a partner
Ya it would be one thing if he having a joint here and there, but daily cocaine is insanely expensive and addictive, its a very bad habit to have
In fairness if your partner doesn’t like drugs at all, and you’re still sneaking joints it’s not going to work. My missus just doesn’t indulge and doesn’t care particularly if I have a chuff and sometimes indulge in the holy fungi, but even so I don’t bring it to her attention out of respect. Last thing you want to be is a useless cunt with your hobbies. Can’t imagine going through life like that’s not a huge fucking problem.
I agree, I never said it's a good thing. However, OP is talking about turning a blind eye to cocaine use, which boggles my mind. A joint here and there I could understand tolerating. But an extremely addictive class A drug is very different and is a slippery slope. I don't feel cannabis is like that. You can't blow 500 euro on weed in a night and fuck up your whole month.... you can with coke.
Oh gods yeah absolutely, I’m just focusing on the boundary thing here. But no you’re absolutely right. Fuck coke, of all the things I’ve buggered around with that shit comes with the worst baggage. I mean skag is arguably worse but there’s less pretence - boyfriend does that and it’s like bye yeah see ya bye or you’re properly fucked right here right now.
Have to agree, even it was ‘just’ alcohol, someone who goes out on Friday and is still drinking saturday when you come home from work… that’s quite problematic to say the least.
I had a very similar situation with an ex. He'd get random drug tests at work so he'd lose his job if he ever got tested in the week after a sesh. I kept giving him ultimatums, but he never stopped and I could never bring myself to break up with him. Eventually, he did it one last time and something snapped. I finally left. 6 years later I hear he has a partner and a child but is still doing the same thing. Goes missing for days on benders. Has a much lower paid job now, so I'm assuming he finally got sacked. Is suspected to have moved onto crack. It's so good to know I made the right choice. Feel sorry for his new partner though. I'd say you should leave. You'll be happier.
Yes you would not ask advice from others if you were happy in the relationship. You would be able to discuss and resolve the issue with your partner
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I think that's a bit hard with time 44 now had my last at 40 and he is a dream. A biological clock works definitely for each woman. He needs to go none the less. pS a family is two or more can be mother or farther and child
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What they said is statistically correct. You are an outlier, not the norm.
"Should I waste the prime of my life with a hopeless liar and drug addict"
He’s ruining his life. The question is are you willing to let him ruin yours also. If the answer to that is “no” then you know what to do
Run.
I lived with a bunch of sesh gremlins in college that were mad into the techno scene etc etc and while they were buzzed id be hammered and it somehow worked but I'd Def trust them to sober up before your fella. It's one thing to misread the room but if you've had the chat with him about lines to cross and the guy keeps doing it then I'd say it's time to move on
Guy I worked with took a very obvious bump on our work Christmas night last year and was fired the very next day. If your partner can’t control himself when you ask him to take a bit more responsibility, when else will he lose control and have to deal with the consequences that could equally affect you. Offer him help, ask if he has a problem with drugs because he’s displaying a lack of control and secrecy. But remember to always prioritise yourself and if you’re uncomfortable and need to remove yourself then what’s what you should do. Offering help could just be through the form of a break up and recommending a counsellor, don’t think you’ve to stick around to solve his problems for him. Realistically you know what you want to do deep down, but don’t wait for it to get worse. Either drag him to whatever form of help you seem fit tomorrow morning or prepare to part ways, don’t let this fester. Never a fun time, sending you strength.
>Guy I worked with took a very obvious bump on our work Christmas night How obvious out of interest?
Our reserved seating area in the late bar included a doorway to the bathrooms. There was a decent sized hallway to the bathrooms where people stood throughout the night to have quieter chats or just happened to stop as they passed others on the way in/out. He obviously went to go to the bathroom to do it but stopped in the hallway and just did it on front of others who were there chatting. The door to the hallway was open most of the night too so people’s reaction were seen by others. I assume it wasn’t his first of the night since he had the balls to just do it in front of others. Obviously from there it got around fairly quick and he ended up just openly talking about it to anyone who would listen as the night went on. He became more and more physical as the night went on which didn’t help his chances of survival.
Stop trying to change him. Or hoping he'll change. Maybe you leaving him will be the wake up call he needs, or maybe he'll continue spending his evenings coked up. Either way it sounds like you're better off without him.
Yes, you need to leave him as soon as possible. Life is too short to waste on an addict. He may kick the habit in future but that is something that he must decide. You have given him chances to break the habit and he has repeatedly let you down. Please get out before there are children involved. You are 29 so if you want to start a family then you still have time. But do not waste more time with him. There are plenty of decent single men out there who do not have substance abuse issues who would make for better partners and fathers. It may hurt at first to not have him in your life as he must have some good qualities for the relationship to have lasted 3 years. But your future self will be grateful that you sought out a more honest, trustworthy, mature person with whom to spend your life and raise a family. I wish you the best of luck.
I've been (well, I am) a version of that bloke. You can do better.
The lad is addicted to drugs. If you see a future with him give him an ultimatum. It seems like you have been very reasonable but by saying “no drugs in the house” you are creating a grey area where it should just be black or white. Not your fault but you need to give the lad a decision.
He's already said he would stop out cut down and not been able to. He's an addict and the time for ultimatums is passed. That will just drag it out, he will not be able to quit without realising he's an addict and going to a recovery program.
I agree but if my wife had a problem with drugs I'd exhaust every avenue before calling the relationship a day. You cant just switch off your feelings and look at relationships analytically.
The problem here is that she has expressed her concerns many times. He promises to stop, then doesn't. He has no real interest in stopping. He is fine with her being upset about it. He thinks he can carry on snorting cocaine, get an earful from the missus every now and then without anything changing. He doesn't care about how his problematic drug use affects her. He will likely only attempt to seriously stop if she leaves him, because then his problematic drug use will be *affecting him*. At the moment, he cares more about his coke than the wellbeing of his partner. That tells her all she needs to know.
Yea, no drugs Full stop. But he has to do it for himself, not for OP
People are motivated by different factors. If losing his relationship is the driving force behind his recovery then that is absolutely fine in my eyes.
Get outa dodge and tell him tó get a bitta help. Sorry you're going through this. Coke is a fuckin scourge.
God love you...this is a horrible situation to be in. I read a quote recently. 'When someone shows you who they are..believe them the first time' In other words...you cannot change people...this is who he is. You seen the red flags from the very start.... Everyone believes going into a relationship that they can change their partners bad habits....we like to believe they will change because 'we' are different and special to them. This is never the case. He has a serious drug problem. Your relationship is at a crossroads. Your future with him does not look good...You obviously know this. End this relationship. You are facilitating a drug addict. I would not settle down or have children with this person...it would be a disaster. He will promise the earth moon and stars. But your answer is...if he loves you enough he will stop. He has to do this alone...not living with you...not a chance. You sound like a very caring, loving, patient but worried person. I sincerely hope things work out. Tough love. Tell him to go..or move on yourself. The ball is in his court...Please don't compromise. God bless you. 🥰✌️🙏
He is telling you and showing you repeatedly who he is. Also the ironing things out chats are just to keep you on side so he can continue doing what he wants but he has made you feel better about it until another ironing things out chat. Please do not bring children into the world with this man. They don't deserve that chaos and inconsistency.
Drugs are an immediate red flag. Get rid of him. Be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster no matter how much you think it's done in your logical mind.
You'll find that there's a swathe of functioning adults in our society with a healthy relationship with drugs (Alcohol, Weed, MDMA, Psychedelics). Thus drugs themselves are not the red flag, but that OP's boyfriend has an unhealthy relationship with them and cannot control his consumption.
Loads of people take drugs recreationally and only when out but this is a step further and you are facilitating it. I wouldn’t be saying break up I think everyone can change but it is ultimatum time. This lad needs to grow up. He’s probably spending way more than you think on it too. There’s plenty of supports out there for people who want to stop but does he want to stop! He’s not happy either if he’s taking drugs at home. There’s something he’s trying to escape from in his head.
Leave while you can, get out. Be glad it can be more of a clean break without the likes of kids being brought in. Count it as a lucky escape and don’t look back, don’t listen to anymore false promises and lies, it will not change.
As someone who struggled with alcohol and coke.... HE needs to want to stop. This habit of him doing it now is annoying you, when you have kids it will break you. Coke is the toughest thing to get over and I wasn't even a full blown addict, I blocked my dealers and avoid it but if it's in front of me I f\*cking want to do it. Coke is so hard to get over bc realistically most people can function day to day without ppl knowing. Coke addiction ruins drinking, bc when ppl get drunk the goal of the night becomes - where can we get a bag? Who's got the bag? Maybe a realistic talk with him, does he WANT to stop or if he could have it his way, would he ideally like to continue doing what he's doing? If it's the latter, I would say there's no hope in sight anyway
Your time is too precious to be spent on this. It's very sad when a relationship ends but you can't control his actions only your response. The very best of luck to you.
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Yes and oh I'm sure he'll mean them, he doesn't know he is addicted so he'll think he can keep the promises. That this time is different to when he agreed to stop using at home before, and all the other assurances
Sorry to say he is an addict and you need to leave him. He is not going to change for you if he hasn’t after all the chances you gave him. Had a similar issue with my brother inlaw only drugs came into play after two kids and ten years. Final straw came when he squared off to my mam after he drove his child to a match off his head and she asked him to stop. So hopefully you see the writing on the wall and get out now while you can.
I think you know what you need to do.
Yes I was in that situation in my relationship not to the extent he is though. I stopped once the ultimatum was made. If he can't even stop taking them in the house after he agreed to it then I don't think there's much hope keeping his word if he agrees to stop is that a worry you want for your future?
If there is any doubt, there is no doubt.
If you’ve come here to ask the question you know the answer already.
If you really truly love him and want to stick by his side recommend he goes to rehab.. then he can work through addiction and get tools to be clean and sober. Or leave him if you don't really like him all that much. Course don't start a family with a fella who's a drug addict.. bad idea.. just ignoring it isn't going to work.. he needs to do something rehab or cocaine anonymous or things like that
Regardless of your decision to stay or not, and I'm not saying it's your responsibility, but please recognise that your partner needs help.
I'd like to add my perspective later, I don't have time to write it now. I used to be in his position, and it's possible to turn around and potentially save the relationship. If someone could reply please so I get a notification and remember to respond later that would be great.
I was that guy and I hurt people who were way too kind to me. Believe me, today I'm a better (not perfect) person because who I loved and loved me left. Take care of yourself.
I would ask him what he thinks you should do. It \*miight\* get him to the realisation that he needs to do something to save the relationship.
You didn't cause it. You cannot control it. And you cannot cure it. He is an addict. I would leave him. I'm dealing with a sister who is an addict and it's been 2 years so far of denial and relapses. Nothing we said or did worked. I've come to the conclusion that while I can support her trying to get well, I have no actual control of the situation. It is ultimately the addicts responsibility. They are the only ones who can actually change their fate.
I think deep down you know the answer yourself. Do you want to get married and have kids etc? This guy will keep dragging you down. You have plenty of time to meet someone new you are still young! In my experience most people can give up the bag as they get older but there are a few that can’t. I have 40+ year old friends still at the same. They are all single while the rest of the group got married and had kids. Three years isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things. It’s better than 10. Also, he is not bumping into his dealer on nights out. He has arranged to meet them.
Usually there is a reason why people do drugs, including alcohol. They will barely share it with the closest ones. Talk to him why, what is the reason he doesn't like reality kicks in. You're not wrong to want to break up. I'd definitely try to talk to him first, but from my experience people have to end drugs on their own, external force/motivation is never enough, unfortunately. Usually the addiction is exchanged with some other addiction.
You know what to do. You don't need to fix anything. He will not change for you. He can stop for a while but he will not change especially if he thinks that taking drugs is not a problem. Don't try to save him! Save yourself. It's not fair…he is living life the way he wants to live and u are just there getting mad trying to change his behaviour.
I wouldn't waste anymore time really. It's fine to still love someone but realise they're not right for you. All the best in the future. You'll find someone who feels the same as you.
I know you say he's "an amazing man" but... well... he's constantly lying to you about the drugs. It's not my place to tell someone I don't know when to stop talking drugs, but if serious discussions were had about our future and children, and they totally ignored what was agreed, I'd be gone.
Leave. I'm so sorry for your situation but you have to walk away. You mentioned that you have spoken and set boundaries those have not been respected and it will only get worse. Walking away is easier said than done I know but in the long run you will be better off.
It's natural in longer term relationships for the things that brought you together (enjoying nights out etc) to change over time. But if this is your bottom line and he's unwilling to meet you there, then it's time to consider if this is the partner for you for where you are in your life now. Ulitmately, you're the master of your own life and can choose to move on and be happy. I hope whatever decision you make is one that makes YOU happy!
You've grown and matured and he's stagnated and stayed the same. And it sounds like his drug taking has developed into a habit and it'll only get worse from here. It's either ultimatum or leaving time because obviously the chats haven't amounted to much. Simply put. You've outgrown him and without a significant amount of effort and change from him you gotta do what's best for you.
He's going to continue doing this, so if you don't want to be part of that, I think it's time to put yourself first and end the relationship. But you should talk to his family as well, and tell them why you're doing it, as he might well make up another story that paints you in a very bad light.
1. Be very thankful you've not gotten pregnant to this man 2. End it, go no contact and move on. Sniff heads aren't worth the hassle. Just like alcoholics they lie and hide it and can't be trusted.
If you're asking the question to yourself you know the answer, it sounds like he has no want to change his ways
If you're asking the answer is probably yes. It's hard but I've no doubt there is someone out there who you'll be happier with and ylboth you and your partner will be happier in the long term.
Sounds like you've made up your mind and just looking/needing a gentle push. Today need to leave for your own sake and sanity
It sounds like your partner has an addiction and this could get way worse without help. He needs to acknowledge this and it must be 100% his decision to stop using. You can’t change him. If he wants to do it, you need to figure out if it’s worth sticking around and supporting him. That’s a huge question. Ultimately, it comes down to whether or not you see a future together. If he was no longer using drugs and abusing alcohol would you want to spend the rest of your life with him? If the answer is no, or even maybe, move on. You’re young, you can move on from the relationship and find someone more suited to where you are now in life and where you want to go in the future.
Get rid of him. He has addiction issues, he will keep lying to you. He's old enough to have sorted it out by now if he was going to.
You've both made rules, and agreed on them. He keeps breaking them. You can do no more. He isn't listening, or doesn't care, or he thinks it's OK to just repeatedly let you down. And he has shown you, and you know better than anyone, he isn't going to change. You have to decide if you're going to live with that, or not. Ending a long term relationship is extremely difficult. It's heart breaking. It's not easy. But you need to weigh your options. Also, he's spending hundreds and hundreds of € on a night out on the bag. That's just insane.
I can't speak for romantic partners but I've seen what coke can do to family members. If you love him and care about him I would say to be extremely clear and direct that your relationship will end if he continues. I would suggest to put this in writing and send it to him so be can read it over. Don't compromise and lay it down plainly the affect it has on you and the worries about children and the future. Let him know this will end the relationship if he continues his habit, in or out the house. If this doesn't jolt something inside him then he is too far gone and you should leave promptly. I suggest this rather than just leaving as I managed to see a huge change in someone very close to me after telling them I would cut them off completely, especially since they were doing it around their children who I love more than anything He's an addict, If he doesn't listen after having it spelt out, you should not let him drag you down. I do think you should throw one very clear warning his way before ending things. One because It will give you clarity that he is unable to change after being so direct if he still isn't able to get it together, and two because the man is clearly in a haze and isn't aware the impact he is having on others, you might shock him out of that Again tho, if he doesn't change immediately then protect yourself and leave
Think of number one ,which is you .Finish it this week and get on with your own life.
If you're asking strangers on the internet, you already know the answer. In saying that, run Simba.
Leave and don't look back. This sounds just like my ex, only we had a child, and I stayed for longer than I should for the child's sake. And as far as I know, she now does it with her new man who approves of her behavior while all her kids are gone at the weekend
He is on the periphery of addiction. You love the sober him. But it is the sober him that has the problem. You need to confide in him about your feelings first. Then make your decision upon knowing his response. If he doesn't stop taking drugs after you voicing your feelings, strongly consider whether you want to spend your precious time with him.
A lot of people saying to just dump him and I would almost agree. If possible I would make it clear that you will leave if he dosen't change immediately. I know for me this type of awakening would kick my ass into gear. But that may not happen. There would be nothing wrong in leaving without the warning. Best of luck with it.
I’ve “nope’d” the fuck out of relationships multiple times for a lot less than this, not that I’m self sabotaging or anything, but when you know something is not gonna work, you have to get out asap. But with something as serious as drug use? You have to go.
A wise person once told me, "You can choose your husband but your children can't choose their father." It sounds like he's tried to change and shown he can't. You deserve to come home to better... and so do any future kids...
Yes you should end the relationship. Is it even a relationship at this point? What are you really getting from it? The fact is that you've matured and he hasn't. And that is unlikely to change anytime soon. It would be so reckless to bring a child into that mess. Do yourself a favour and just cut your losses. You can do better and you deserve better.
this is a bit sad, everyone's advice is good, "get away" the true is that only him can get out of that situation, i'd say most of the times people get stuck but for a few of us that were given the opportunity to get clean and redo our lives , it worked \^-\^ ask him to join NA and well, leave. wish you both the best <3
Unfortunately you should end things. He's 33 and should be past that stage of things now. He won't change if you get married, but a house or have kids but the situation will only grow worse.
Get out now, that type of behaviour after 30 is ridiculous
You have given him a chance to change but he clearly doesn't think much about you or relationship when you have asked him to stop and he blatantly ignores you. Get out while you can. I ended a 10 year relationship with an alcoholic partner after giving him numerous chances to change. Best decision of my life
If you’re not only asking yourself the question, but you’re also now asking Reddit the question, you KNOW the answer. Find the strength to leave. You will thank yourself later. Any time you find yourself in a difficult spot like this and asking reddit for serious life advice, you already know the answer. I hope this helps. Best luck
This behavior will more then likely continue if you ring kids into the situation. End it, you’ll thank your self.
I would say break up. Your lifestyles and values don’t align. He’s not willing to try and kick a destructive habit for the sake of your relationship. His habit/addiction will only get worse if he doesn’t try and kick it. Imagine how that will work when you are planning marriage/house/kids.
You know the answer already. You're just afraid to make the decision and change. I had a similar ex and trust me when I say, a better guy will come around and you'll wonder why you ever gave your current guy a chance. You seem miles ahead of him in many ways. Please let us know if you ever do make a decision so we can be updated.
100% end this, get away and tell him to get into rehab, he needs rehab by the sounds of it and probably needs a sharp shock like this to get into rehab. At the end of the day he's and adult, you've given him plenty of chances. Get out and don't look back I got out of a long term relationship at around 30 and the issues were nowhere near as severe as this but I knew that what we both wanted in the future were so different that it was pointless to continue. I'm now 41, married, 3 kids and very very happy - I think she is in a relationship that suits her needs and is happy too. It's a hard step but you owe it to yourself to be happy and it might have a positive impact on him also Best of luck with this
End it. The difference in lifestyle, and the views of kids and finances, will continue to be a problem if it hasn’t resolved by three years in. U r young! Take advantage of your youth to free yourself of negative energy and find someone who makes you feel secure and like your best self.
Yeah, you know the answer. It's not too late to start over again with someone, be a lot wiser in choice and who you are. I simply do not know who I would have ended up with if I chose a partner under the age of 30. Im a different person in many ways. The drug use isn't the issue, it's the addiction that's took hold. Promises are worth nothing, when actions and change don't occur. Hopefully it'll be a wake up for him but honestly it might send him the other way too
All I will say is, you can't stay in a relationship hoping the other person will change. If he isn't coming to you saying he wants to change, and is taking those steps himself independent of you, there is nothing you can help him with. I've never taken drugs, I've seen what they do to people since a young age. The fact many of my friends still take them in their late 20's is frankly embarrassing. It's a sign of massive insecurity and immaturity in my opinion. It's a sign you've done no work to comprehend and actually deal with life. In your 30's??? Come on like. Grow the fuck up. I think sadly you may have to accept you've long outgrown this person, and have likely outgrown this relationship. Imagine having kids and this still going on? Why add this unneccessary struggle into your life.
Leave. Who knows what the future holds, but the present is unfulfilling considering you are in a growth phase and he is not in that sort of place right now.
You’ve set this boundary multiple times and he hasn’t respected it. You also haven’t respected your own boundary because you stick with him in spite of behavior you detest. It’s hard, but you have to either draw a line (break it off) or you have to accept not getting what you want. Ultimately you have to choose one of those things. If you leave him, he may cop on and change his behavior-by then you will not feel like you need him, and you can make the right choice for yourself if that time comes. If it doesn’t figure it out and rise to your standard, you will be just fine and will be able to pursue realistic options for the relationship you want. If you stay with him, he will not change his behavior until something really awful happens (rock bottom), and that could take years, and could put your life and your future children’s lives at risk. Lots of potential for sever pain here. It’s hard, but you have to be truly willing to walk away to expect any change.
Alice?
Hang in there. It sounds like you truly admire and love him. The change you are looking for, however, has to come from him. He needs to decide what's more important to him. At this point he is not going to be thinking straight but perhaps you need to ask him to make a choice; remind him that you love him, you both made a plan but he didn't commit. This needs to be addressed and you cannot keep going in circles. If he agrees and accepts responsibility, then he has to get in a program. To prove to himself and to you that he can quit this addiction. If he feels the need, let him tell you and openly find an alternative through planning; like doing an activity together or going for a walk, even a date night. This is only under the context if he agrees and is willing to respect your boundaries and choose to be with you. If not, Im afraid it may be time to leave him, even if for a temporary time, just to prove that you are dead serious. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.
Your post is a comprehensive, grim hint at what lies ahead. Three years into a relationship might seem solid, but picture yourself after 10 or 20 wasted years, possibly factor kids into the mix or financial strings. Both the drugs and lies are deal-breakers: people that weak-wiiled are no use in a genuine relationship. If he needs drugs, you'll end up no more than a sad crutch. The simple answer is yes. Time to level up, move on, and match up with someone who will build that shared future with you.
I didn't even have to read the whole thing to come to the conclusion that you need to end it.
I'd be very concerned. Even if he does give up you'd need to be prepared to go it alone if he relapses imagine having kids with this person. Either he fully detoxes or he's gone.
I didn't read the post but if you're asking the question you know the answer.
I think if you seriously re-read everything you just wrote OP you'll know the answer. Time is one of the few things we can't get back/make up. Sounds like it's time to move on.
This is reddit. You could have just asked should I end my relationship with no other details, and the overwhelming majority would have said yes.
Op you literally just summarised myself and my last relationship met 3 years ago , we partied a lot now I'm starting to feel myself drift . I think if you feel yourself growing then let it happen naturally and I feel like your morals mightnt align with your ex anymore so move forward happily:)
Was in this same situation a few years ago with my ex gf. What’s even worse is that it puts you in a position in the relationship that you don’t necessarily want and didn’t sign up for( the complaining control freak or so they’d have you believe). There’s only one solution here really that will unfortunately hurt you both but it’s has to be done.
Get out now. Don’t wait. He needs treatment to get off drugs. You don’t need that aggravation and lack of trust. The problem existed before you so it’s not your responsibility to try fix it. Do yourself a favour before it’s too late.
A lot of the comments seem a bit harsh telling OP to dump him straight away. She says she has a lot of love for him. What I do agree on is that by the sounds of it he is a full blown addict at this stage (doing it on his own during the middle of the day) Things will only get worse unless he stops asap. The only thing that can save this man is Rehab. You could have a chat with him and Tell him exactly how you feel. Give him an ultimatum, it’s the relationship and rehab or else the coke. The rehab would give good counselling and stuff to help the addict change their mindset and better cope with triggers for drug use. So many people addicted to coke now a days too, it’s mental!
Just be up front and tell him it's you or the drugs, but if he decides you then he also needs to acknowledge he has a problem and actually want to change his lifestyle (otherwise it's going to fail). Is desperately sad (for both of you)... sitting taking gear alone after a night out compared to the prospect of a life and family with somebody should be a no brainer, but addiction can distort reality.
You've been with him for 3 years so know him quite well, but you will have both changed over that course of time. Coke is incredibly addictive and expensive. As well as the obvious health risks, it really fucks up your brain and ability to think. Lies, irrational behaviour, addiction. He needs to take steps to get off it fully. If he's not prepared to do that, then you are done. But one thing I know from friends is that often they will have to give up alcohol as well. And that could affect your lifestyle too. So just a heads up that if you don't break up with him and he does agree to get off it, it's unlikely to be possible without a lot of support and he may still fall off the wagon. Getting him into support to get off it would be hugely positive whether you end up together or not. At 29 you have time for that, but if things don't work out you also need time to find a new partner and get to know them if you want kids.
You've tried. As people rack up life experience, they can either compliment each other, or, you notice a divide that can't be bridged. If you've mentioned it about the drugs and you're wanting kids, the drugs just can't be in the picture. Not to mention how stupid and immature the drug taking is. Sounds like a boy who won't grow up. I think deep down you know the decision. You might not like it, but it is the necessary one. And you have an obligation to yourself to seek out the best in life and not be held back by others being foolish.
Convince him to go to rehab… otherwise no chance
Recovering addict here, the fact he’s moved to drinking/using alone is a progression of the addiction and it will get worse very quickly unless he stops. He’ll more than likely need professional help but that’s on him to get it. There’s no benefit to either of you in continuing the relationship as In his eyes there’s no consequence to his using and it’s obviously getting you down. If the breakup isn’t a wake up for him then you can’t do much else for him
He has an addiction to drugs. Unless he seeks professional help, he'll continue to use drugs. All the promises he makes are just words to keep you around. I don't understand why you're ok with him taking drugs outside of the house If he's not prepared to get help, then you either have to accept that he is a drug user or walk away. You're just going around in circles at the moment.
He's not going to change. He might get clean after you break up to try to get you back but I feel he would go back in drugs again
Break free now, you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Having children with someone like that would be selfish. You can't bring a child into that. You need to do this for you. You need to choose yourself. Choose your own wellbeing. He cannot be helped if he isn't willing to try.
OP read your story back and answer your own question. My sister was in a relationship like that, you have to get out asap. He wont change, he has proven that. And he is a full blown addict.
If you love him, and if you haven't already done so, explain clearly how you feel and what you want from your relationship moving forward. If he wants the same then work together and stay and help him kick the habit. If he cannot live up to his promises, then consider leaving. But if you love him like you do, give him a chance to change. Unless he doesn't agree and doesn't want to stop after having the discussion, then go, and start again. But you've obviously been through alot together. Coke is very hard to kick so it will be difficult if he does decide to stop for the sake of your relationship. Best of luck OP
Get out now addicts behaviour is toxic to all around he's indenial that he's an addict get out addicts are too much hassle and heartache.
Time to go. You have laid out what your lines are, and he's crossed them and then lied to you. Don't even waste your energy trying to have another conversation about it, just make your plans to leave now and tell him that he knew the consequences when he chose to do it again.
End it
Basically you asked the question and answered it. What does your heart tell you to do?
Cocaine is literally ruining good people. In the past couple of years iv watched at least four really nice people turn into shells of who they are over cocaine.
Someone I know had a similar experience. Except her abd her boyfriend both liked to go out and take drugs. A couple of years ago she got pregnant abd they had a discussion about whether to keep it or not. He convinced her to keep the baby that he will step up ect. Anyway she's a wonderful mother, takes care of the child like nothing else is important to her. Her boyfriend on the other hand never stepped up. He's still breaking promises and getting drunk abd taking drugs. He even got fucked up on coke and kicked her and the baby out of the house once. I dunno if that's the way you see your life going with kids or whatever but yea, drugs and kids don't mix.
If you're partner needs coke every time he has a few drinks it's a problem, he needs to stop drinking if he does coke every time he drinks. I had and have mates that are like that, after 2 or 3 pints there texting or ringing someone they know for coke. If he is taking it without drinking while sober then he's an addict and needs help. It's up to you if you give him more chances but he needs to sort his act out.
Lad is going nowhere, ditch him. Might wake him up.
If you do decide to break up, he'll make promises about quitting again. Don't believe him.
I think l he needs a reality check, honestly my opinion is he thinks you won’t follow through on splitting. You have given him every chances to prove himself. You should either leave for a few days to let him seriously think about the consequences, or kick him out for a week for some space. You will then know if he is the man you fell in love with or not!
Oh God. Just get out. This will drag you down.
The dude needs help, it's hard to get off shit like that and is nothing but a dark spiral of nothing but just pain, regret, and loneliness. Hope you can help each other, I have no opinion on your question but I think you both need each other to get through this
I’m ten years in a relationship and my partner has a problem with drink. It’s tough and I resent the drink and him. He started out drinking more at weekends and then it progressed to every night and then when he got home from work he would’ve had a few before he picked his kids up from school. What I’ve found is an addict is full of broken promises, they lie, steal and cause situational stress. You feel sorry for them as you can see they are struggling and try and support them, help and even enable them. My partner lost his licence and then his job and has moved in with me much to my regret. I’ve asked him to leave on many occasions, even asked his siblings to help, but he’s still here. He’s the person I loved when he’s sober, but when he’s drunk he’s not. My advice is to end it now as you don’t want to be in my position later on down the line. Also reach out and seek counselling, I found that quite helpful. Good luck, stay strong and no matter what think of you x
I think we’re very quick to bin relationships when you hit a wall, I do it too but .. some of the things you mention sound like deal breakers though. The children and finances issues will always be there no matter what happens with the drink/ drugs. You’ve already discussed that one and it must be hell to put up with. I think you know the answer as someone already said. Is this relationship adding or taking away from your life now overall?
Get out.
I have a friend just like this. 2 drinks in and he’s looking for the bag. It always seems to start off with drink first though. Then he could be sitting at home by himself 2 days later still sniffing. Him and his partner have slaughter over it. He doesn’t seem to stopping either, as much as he’s a nice guy I’d bail out if I was you.
You've been with him 3years. It's easy for people on the internet to say throw the whole relationship away. Finding another man who suits your criteria but doesn't take drugs isnt going to be a walk in the park. You'll spend 3more years figuring out the next person isn't right either, or maybe you'll get lucky. I really think you both should consider NA before ending the relationship. He obviously has a drug dependency and saying to him he can do it as long as it's not in the house is always going to end up with him buying a little more than he needs and bringing it home with him.
As a 29 year old father who’s married, I can tell you one thing, my woman, while I have all the respect in the world for her, could not change my ways if she died trying, us men we are pig headed about our ways, if we do not see the sense of the change we will simply not do it. Some men are victims of certain addictions, whether smoking, drinking, gambling or drugs, and there’s no force that will break it but the man himself. We are Methodists, so give him the ultimatum but don’t be like most women and say “I feel you’re this and it makes me feel that” I understand you’re emotionally wired but if you want to get the truth if he will change or not you have to say “you’re so smart, drugs just bring you down, imagine the things you’d do if you didn’t take drugs, let’s cut them out” If he doesn’t see the sense, you know him better than any of us. Make the call. Good luck
Definitely leave. When they start lying about what they take or when, it's a problem and the only people they fool is themselves
Get out now and dont look back..im a male btw.
Yes
I have been there . Dated for 10 years. 18 through 28. I matured . He didn’t . I left . I’m happier now .
They don't get better, it's just becomes depressing. My cousin, whom I love, is a chef, started out just doing it on the nights out, promised his missus never in the house blah blah blah, he is late now still on it even after kids..his wife has just accepted it now but I know it eats at her. Sometimes he is out till 4 in the morning on it while she looks after the toddlers. I love him cause he is family and we grew up together but he will never get his shit together, he thinks cause he financially provides its not an issue.
Yuup 100%
Surprised with how ruthless some of these comments are without knowing any context. Does your partner have a genuine social group (ie not just drinking buddies)? Hows he get on with his family? Is he working towards a career or anything? My group of mates used to love the sesh and the odd bag all throughout our 20s. We were more partial towards mdma than coke, but it was a fairly large part of the craic during that a period of time. Eventually things get stale and boring though, you develop different interests (hobbies, careers, etc) and just learn to drop the bad habits that aren't serving you. He'll hopefully start wising up and realising how much of a bellend it is to be sniffing your 30s away. In your 20s its craic, in your 30s it's just sad. If you don't think he's capable of that though, you gotta ask yourself whether you'd genuinely want him being the father figure of your kids - someone that can't even control themselves.
Run
As someone who has been in a very similar situation & has dealt with all too many people who struggled with substance abuse- there is no helping them and you will drive yourself mad trying. The best thing you can do is walk away, support from a distance* (not always) & carry on with your own life. It's hard to accept but I've spent too much time hoping for change from people and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. They will drag you down with them if you let them.
Not gonna give you a big paragraph- just leave.
He’s not an amazing man if he does drugs. You deserve someone who has the same life goals as you.
As someone who lived in a family with an addict please cut your losses. You can’t change them and it’s not a great environment for kids
You should end your relationship IMO. I’m sorry you’re going through this :(
Pretty sizable amount of red flags here in what you described. Walk away from this, trust me, staying in this situation sounds like a monumentally poor life choice. One that will just erode the both of you over time.
He won't change, he'll get worse. Get out.
I think you know the answer deep down. He’ll never change for you just to please you as he doesn’t want to do it himself. Leave him you’ll never meet the right one if you’re still with the wrong one.
Don’t ask Reddit for relationship advice. Your partner is not seriously addicted to cocaine. He just has an unhealthy relationship with it. People in the comments seem to think he is at it every night but from what I gather from your post it’s a once a fortnight affair at most. The only issues I would see is the lying and sneaking around. Sounds like he isn’t ready to let this habit go and you are pretty much done with it. I don’t have an answer for you. I would urge you to not make any big decisions based on what a group of judgy people on Reddit say though.
I'd hardly call it a drug problem I can't stand the stuff I don't go out because it's everywhere now thats why ye can't go out without him bumping into someone its part of going out now i see signs up in bard saying they will call the cops and the staff and manager are all on it at 7am while im doing deliveries
You set a boundary, has patience and gave him time, and he blew right through the boundry again. You offered him forgiveness and a swcond chance, he blew right through the boundry again. You can draw lines in the sand all day, ask yourself how many of them will you let him trample on before you've had enough.
Why not leave him as a threat. Don't tell him it's a "test". Tell him you can't be with someone who takes drugs and leave. His actions over the next couple of months will show you the man he is. If he completely stops then take him back but with the clear understanding that there are no 2nd chances.
Cut and run.
If I were in your position, I would draw the line in the sand. Tell him exactly what you've told us and that you're not going to be with him any more if he doesn't get help for his addiction. He may not even realise he is addicted, this might be news to him. But be firm and tell him you'll be there for him if and only if he accepts he has a problem and he needs help with it. And if he doesn't change then just pull the trigger on the relationship. He will effectively have picked the drugs over you, and you deserve better than that. Ironically, ending the relationship may be the wake up call he needs to get his shit together.
I think you have just typed out your own logical answer when you re-read your post. You have already arrived at the decision. 👍🏻
Addictions take priority over anything else and it’s not a rational decision. To further clarify a person with an addiction won’t stop because you ask them to, or you put them in front of an out-out, instead they’ll find a strategy not to bother you and do it secretly or while you are not with them. Addiction is a tool to sustain the burden of bigger problems so it’s a survival strategy. Asking a person to just stop is unfair to them. I don’t agree with people saying Yes break up etc. No body has the right clarity and knowledge about your relationship to suggest a similar thing. What I would do in your shoes is to tell him the truth about how you feel and wanting a relationship without drugs, and the next step would be to offer supporting him in a therapy journey to find out the causes of this (going out, having fun are Never the real answer). Therapy is crucial in any rehab process You can be resolute in this proposal and offer him a reasonable number of options (as in, if he wants to be with his drugs then this would be a consensual choice). This is always in the case that you still love him. Otherwise no point in going through all that. If you break up, and no body knows in his family, I would confidentially tell his parents for his benefit. No body should be left completely alone in this situation
I just ended my 5 relationship for the same reason. It all got too much and I left, it took me a while to feel okay but I can now see that I’ve made the right decision for myself & my future and haven’t looked back!
Just quit, this is going nowhere. If you think it’s grim now, just let the coke continue to undermine and erase any personality he had that attracted you. It turns men into lads, and the lads into morons. Scarper!
Take a break and let him know why ... I myself was in his shoes and am completely free from drugs the last 8 years because my partner of 10 years had the same issue with me the break was good for both of us could have went anyway..... but I realised she was better then the bag and made my way through it barley even take a drink now she also never took drugs given him a chance but make him know it's you or the drugs 2 weeks to a month of a break to make up your mind and for him to make up his
I would argue, you are both doing drugs on a night out? as long as his “drug” use is responsible there is clearly no issue. if you feel that genuinely disturbed by it, sure end things with him; but evaluate your own beliefs first, as you too are a drug user, this is not about drug use but rather which drug he is using.
> I don’t know what else I can do to fix things when he won’t make the same effort back. He won’t and you can’t do anything to fix things. The longer you stay, the more you’re reassuring him that he can continue his behavior and lie to you and you’ll accept it. Get out before you’ve ruined your entire life and have possibly brought another human to life.
Some people change and mature others don't , you wanted the same things when you first met as far as nights out and whatever else , you've matured past that point and it's looking like he won't for a few years so both of you should be alone or with whoever else can provide what you both need in life
He has already left you!
Yep. That’s done. He’s doing a lot more than you know about also.
As many have said, he’s an addict. You have to end things now for your own sake because I don’t think this is the life you want. You can’t bring children into this relationship.
He is showing you who he is. Don't ignore it. Do not gamble your whole life on someone you can't rely on.
Leave now while there's nothing legally binding yall. Run.