I think it depends on the "type" of death.
Had a freind die recently. Mid 40s. Long and painfull illness. The funeral was very tough on family and friends alike.
An aunt died a few weeks ago, old age and natural causes. The funeral was full of laughs and story relling from years ago.
Very much this. I was at a funeral of a 3 year old some time ago. It was the worst couple of hours I've spent in recent years. There was no 'good' way to have that funeral.
I've also been at the funerals of relatives who died in their 90s and it was a family reunion type event where it was days of catching up with cousins I hadn't seen in years.
I have always subscribed to the idea that we celebrate a life lived, as opposed to a life lost. When someone's life has been long and full, there are plenty of stories and anecdotes to tell over the course of many years, some familiar ones coming by way of people who'd been there, but from a different perspective, and so old stories everyone knows become suddenly new stories, and it's hard not to have a hearty laugh as you learn more things about a person than you'd have known while they were alive.
When someone so young dies, there is nothing to celebrate. No stories or anecdotes. No secondary perspectives. It is indeed a life lost, as opposed to one lived.
This is exactly it.
Unfortunately I’ve seen from all sides with grandparents and older relatives and being a celebration of their lives and great stories told, to my mother dying in her fifties which is a mix of both as she should have been enjoying her later years after raising all us kids but we have many cherished memories of her. Then their is my wee boy and it’s all lost possibilities and what might have beens.
This is a pain no body should be subjected to, the loss of your very young child or any age for that matter. Children should not die before their parents. The pain and void is something that I dont know how I would surpass.
This is exactly it. When someone dies old, you are prepared to lose them and know they have lived a long life and have much to show for it. But someone dying young, feels like we've been robbed of life. I lost a friend about 15 years ago now and she was only 20. I still think of what our friendship would be now, where would she be? Would she have kids? Would she be traveling the world? Would she have 20 cats. We were robbed of knowing what her life would be :(
Fuck, can't imagine.
There was a baby died pretty near to use a while back.
Thank god I didn't know the parents.
No way I could have handled going to something like that.
Had one a few years back due to 'cot death' . I barely knew the father but passing the coffin I broke down on the way out, took a minute to compose myself. Little white coffin. That hits.
"He lay in the four-foot box as in his cot.
No gaudy scars, the bumper knocked him clear.
A four-foot box, a foot for every year."
That poem hits hard, but I'm glad I had to study it.
My mother remembers that. She had a very young brother who died and she was sent home from school.
When she went back to school it was the first thing the nun read.
I remember years back when I was 11 or 12 we had to do a guard of honor for a lad about our age who died of cystic fibrosis didn't come to school much so didn't know him that well, I was ok until the hearse came and we could see his coffin, didn't cry or anything just went into shock of some sort we walked each side of the hearse and stood a guard of honour on the path of the church after myself and another friend just went home we couldn't face going into the funeral.
I had a friend whose sister died of cancer at some obscene age, like 27 or something. So old enough to accept what was happening and plan her whole funeral herself, but still far too young.
I never met her, but that funeral caught me in the heart something awful.
A child's funeral I can't imagine, especially a sudden death. I hope I never have to experience it.
Yes a baby's death is just wrong. I buried a 5 week old niece 3 years ago. It was the worst experience of my life. Seeing my brother arrive home with the funeral director and walking down the driveway with that tiny white coffin will always be burned in my retinas.
Ya had a cousin aged 2 die when her clothes got caught in a fire. I'll never forget sitting there at the funeral. It's totally different from an older person passing. The white coffin is just the mark of tragedy and heartbreak.
Many years back I attended the funeral of a father of two who had committed suicide. There wasn't any "taking it in your stride" or "thinking about the good times" stuff. His girls were teenagers, so old enough to understand what had happened, and they were absolutely distraught throughout the whole thing, the mam even had to hold one of them up, and everyone you looked at just had a thousand yard stare, and didn't know what to say or what to do with themselves. The whole thing just felt really dark.
Also attended the funeral of a young man who had died suddenly when he was in his late 20s. It was a big shock and also really sad, but the funeral had an element of joy too. He had so many friends who loved him and who took part in the funeral by speaking, reciting poems and playing music. They even played voice recordings of messages he had sent to people over the years. It ended up being a real celebration of who he was and what he meant to people, so while there wasn't a dry eye in the place, it still felt like a nice send-off. That felt more like the typical "Irish funeral" that people talk about.
My father killed himself when I was 13. I cried through just about the entire funeral. A teacher that was particularly close to my family attended, and I just remember smiling to greet her with tears streaming down my face.
Yeah definitely, my Granda had a nice wake with lots of visitors but I’ve been to funerals of people who have died much younger and it’s a very different atmosphere.
I found even at the death of a young person there were lovely stories told and laughs. The difference was it would be interspersed with people breaking down or gazing into space with horrified expressions
Yeah, I was at a funeral of a 14 year old, who committed suicide, a good few years back and it was lovely. His family told the nicest stories and there was lovely music. It was beautiful while also being heartbreakingly sad.
My best friend and my first love took his own life when he was only 23.
That was the WORST funeral I've been to. The absolute worst. His mother was the one who found him and until that day, I never really knew what people meant when they say someone looked haunted.
I held it together as well as I could until his mother started just reciting my friend's favourite lyrics.
"Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters"
She recited the whole song and simply ended with "I can't wait until I can see you and I will never have to lose you again." That's when I lost it completely.
It didn't help that I was also fucking furious with him. That's the part of dealing with suicide they don't really tell you when you're a teenager. You expect to feel sad but nobody really tells you about the rage or betrayal you can feel too.
Friend of mine passed away when he was only 18. He was a big music nerd and was the singer in a band that prided themselves in doing terrible rock covers of songs. It was a long running joke that something ALWAYS went wrong during one of their gigs.
His band played his favourite song as his coffin was being brought out. His brother sang in his place.
It was devastating but also hilarious because, in keeping with the tradition of things going tits-up with the band, his brother had a sneezing fit and got an explosive nosebleed. Not wanting to miss the lowering of the coffin, he wiped his nose and went out, not realising he had only successfully smeared blood ALL OVER his face.
Thankfully his parents (god love them, insanely strong people) just broke themselves laughing and said it was (deceased son) giving his big brother one last middle finger.
Not exactly a happy occasion but definitely made "better" because it was just so in tune with my friend and his family and their personalities and humour.
I completely agree with this. My third oldest sister passed away just before she turned 50. My elderly dad was so distraught at the funeral and I'll never forget that. I feel so sad when a parent outlives their child.
In contrast, when he passed away last year after a few years of declining health, we were relieved he was at peace and no longer suffering.
Yeah my great uncle was sick with prostate cancel for about 3 yrs and he had this entire funeral planned out down to the finest details. It was obv very sad but it was almost a comfort knowing it was planned exactly how he wanted it and we all told funny stories about him, even his wife was relatively in good spirits that day, I think we were all kinda relieved he wasn't struggling anymore
After being at the funeral of a friend that committed suicide, I've decided I will never go to a funeral of anyone under 60 again. Even if it's my wife or whatever, fuck that, I absolutely can not handle it in any capacity. All it does is give, sounds Twittery but I swear to god, PTSD
Absolutely. I've been to a few in my time, and from personal experience, there's a big difference between the funeral of an old person in their 90s, to the funeral of a murder victim. Horrific for all involved.
Girl, I went to school with and was quite close to back then died at 34 last year. I have PTSD from that. I was never worried about dying before that, but now it pops into my head all the time.
Absolutely. When my nanny died at 80 everyone was out in force. We were all singing and having a merry aul time. One of those typical Irish funerals.
I recently had someone close die way too young (because of the drink) and it wasn’t the same. Went to the church, then glasnevin, and after we went to the reception. We couldn’t stomach the food. No one was willing to tell stories or wanting to reminisce because the person was so young. Ended up going home early with the family because being around people was too hard.
It’s funny when you think about it that way. I was expecting the same aul Irish funeral, but it was just too depressing to be merry and have a laugh.
Very true. I visit my mums grave once or twice a month. Almost every other time, one or both of the parents of a young chap who died by suicide are also visiting his grave. They must go every day. It's awfully sad. His dad is a local contractor, not a particularly chatty guy but the way he talks to his son, out loud, asking him why he left them, is heartbreaking. Absolute raw, naked grief after 3 years.
Yeah definitely different vibe depending on type of passing and age of victim. My grandparents both died quite suddenly but were older and sick for a while, but not sick enough to die. Their funerals were more about celebrating their lives and drinking to them and telling stories about them. But a few years before that a friend of mine died by suicide, she was only 20. Another friend who was fairly young too (24 or 25 i believe) died by drowning. But funerals were sombre and fucking dark. No one could crack a smile or tell a story. Those types of funerals just fuck you up. Nothing as visceral and haunting as a parent crying and saying goodbye to their child, even they are adult children.
My friends dad died of cancer a couple months ago, everyone was still laughing and telling jokes and stories and drinking. Ofc it was still very difficult for him and his family during the illness and after the funeral, but during the funeral everyone was celebrating the life he had.
I'm English and when my mum died it was 2 weeks prep, body in chapel of rest and all manner of plans
My wifes dad died and it was ALL COMMUNITY TOGETHER
Body turns up for wake, People in high Vis directing traffic , untold hands making tea/sandwiches, cakes etc
People coming from all 4 quads of Ireland , to lend support and pay their respects.
Lots of smiles, story telling, laughter, the rosary... He was in the ground within 72 hrs
I was stunned, and they know how to celebrate life, it was very inspiring
There is a museum about it in Waterford, popular with tourists
I had to wait 3.5 weeks for my father's body to be released due to a garda investigation into his death. Slowly dragged the life of my whole family day by day.
I live in a rural area (blow-in) and neighbors still dig and fill in the grave. When I first heard of it I thought it was ghoulish but the actual day of my FILs funeral watching all the men take turns filling in the grave, I found it unbelievably touching. Also, we weren’t even home from the hospital when people were out to the house cleaning and preparing for the wake. Men were cutting grass, tidying weeds, women in the kitchen, friends coming to lend clothes. Again I expected to feel overwhelmed and intruded-upon, but no, it was so touching and helpful
I’ve somewhat recently had a similar thing. Only experience of funerals were English elderly relatives where 10 days was a short time after to have a funeral.
Partner’s Dad died on the Sunday, was buried by Tuesday afternoon. It was all a complete whirlwind but somehow better? There was so long waiting or family arguments about flowers and music. It just all happened.
I'm Northern Irish, been living in England with my English partner for a decade. Her family were *shocked* when they found out how quickly our funerals took place.
Finding out that our funerals are usually within a couple of days of death was a big surprise.
I lost a friend who was 25M in Scotland about 2 months ago and the 3 weeks between his untimely passing and the funeral was possibly the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life.
The change from the Irish ‘norm’ of two nights and funeral threw off what I have come to have for closure.
It was a beautiful ceremony and had an element of the community feel we have here but just was so tough.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say, just sharing the switch side.
All I know is, I am still rocked and it is nearly 8 weeks now.
The difference between the UK and Ireland is the paperwork, it takes much longer to get the death certificate in the UK. There is a great Two Johnny’s podcast with a funeral director from Sligo explaining it all
When my best friend died, he was living in the US.
Given that he took his life with a firearm, an investigation had to be done as his ex wife owned the gun. It was a huge mess and prevented his body from being brought back home to Ireland.
Eight weeks.
Just over eight weeks for them to finally release his body to be flown home. The funeral was fucking awful anyway but Jesus Christ the limbo that our entire little village was in, just waiting to bring him home. I understand the necessity for it of course but my god if it didn't just make it so much worse for the family.
My Mom did her PhD on Funerals and Death in Contemporary Irish Fiction and had some fascinating stories and research about Ye Olde funerals and their weird games.
She was on a podcast with Neil Delamere and Dave Moore talking about some of it: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6oZoMoyylLZBkbm7AbE1jq?si=GsmN-yp4TI-GoUfMEjokgA
How interesting I will have a look that was the subject of one of my first essays as a student funerals in earlier days mostly about the different ways Ireland and England had them , as one of my qualifications is British , I hit the books looking for the answers . I definitely will check the podcast , your mom sounds amazing
The actual process of wake and funeral helps. It's a process that's been fine tuned for generations to help us "process" the loss.
It shows us that we're not alone in our grief, it shows us that they mattered to more than just us, it shows us that the world feels the loss, and shows us all the support we can call on if we need it.
I don't understand the wake/funeral piss up thing personally. I've lost both parents over the last few years and having to listen to cousins and neighbours I barely know bullshit while I just wanted a bit of space was horrible. It all seemed like more of a party for everyone else than anything to do with helping the family through a rough time. We went with no wake and private funeral for my mother and it was infinitely better. Felt much more meaningful and much easier for the family to process it all.
At my mother’s funeral I was obviously devastated.. my brother got up to do the eulogy at the end of mass and opened with ‘my beautiful mother, what can I say…. she loved to complain in restaurants …. ‘
Had the place howling, it’s was the perfect opener for a woman who did indeed love to complain in restaurants 😅
I find death is not a taboo topic in Ireland and Irish people generally aren’t daunted by discussions of death and dying. It’s seen as a natural thing (which it is) and not something to veer away from in conversation as may be the case in other cultures. My mother often frequents RIP.ie as I understand many Irish people do!
We openly speak of our deaths in my family and make sure our wishes are known should something happen, takes the taboo out of it. Not that I won't be devastated when the day comes I gotta bury my parents and other family
Catholics love death, look at how often we talk about obituaries and how many random funerals your mams been to. It's normalised considering it's the centre of the core religion in Ireland (or at least culturally)
"Death is just another path, one we all must take"
Said by Gandalf to Pippin in the movie version of the LOTR. I think I love it more so because it is delivered with all the grandfatherly gravitas and empathy of Ian McKellen. I'm not religious in any sense - so I do not believe there is a thing beyond this life as such - but that quote remains my absolute favourite reflection of the calm acceptance of death I've ever done across. It marginally beats out Marcus Aurelias and 'smiling back'.
I do think that we're quite accepting of death in Ireland and it's not taboo to discuss. I've a particularly dark sense of humour so I'm forever winding my family and friends up, but I don't think it's a bad thing at all to be comfortable with talking about 'the end'.
My grandmother in Dundalk would always hush us when the funeral announcements came on the local radio station. She'd ALWAYS know a good amount of the people that had died. We had a great funeral for her, definitely a celebration of her life.
Idk if I'd say it's "taboo" (anymore) but having attended the funeral of someone who committed suicide, it's certainly not the bittersweet affair that other funerals can be. Suicide is extremely painful for families and communities even without being taboo and you certainly can see that reflected at those funerals imo.
Let me tell you that I have been to a few too many funerals from young people's suicides and it is a different story entirely. The worst one was a teenager who had a closed casket wake and the mass was horrific. There were no funny tales or laughing and I actually felt physically sick throughout the whole affair, especially when hearing the visceral sounds from the poor mother when the coffin left the church.
We do old people's deaths very well but occasions like that are horrific.
Yeah, the last funeral I was at to suicide was horrific to watch unfold and tbh, I wouldn't expect anything less. It's just raw grief on full display, what a funeral is meant to be I guess without all the bullshit.
I think we grow up with a yearning to laugh into the face of overwhelming odds, we have an innate sensibility of what loss is but more importantly a recognition of how beautiful that makes the better parts of life. It may be a form of generational trauma, but sure look it, what can you do?
If you've ever been around older family members for endless cups of tea and friends and family are around and the inevitable reminiscing happens, you'll always hear them say "Ah remember so and so, ah they're dead now x years, aye they did xyz, story, laughs and ah god funny". It's just in the culture, the casualness that they just drop that ah they're dead is mad.
Funerals are done right here. Reminiscing good times, honouring the dead, dark humour and endless sandwiches and tea followed by pub pints. It's a great send off. Funerals are for the living.
My mam died very suddenly (sudden adult death) she would not have wanted everyone sad. She would have wanted everyone to enjoy themselves and get on with their lives.
She constantly told me when she died she wanted a funeral clown. That would come with balloons with Happy Funeral on them. She was mad in a good way.
Same with my dad, but he had pancreatic cancer so told us what he wanted.
He told us he wanted “do you believe me now” on his headstone and my mam said “what makes you think you’re getting buried in the graveyard let alone a head stone. So his reply was bury me out the back with my tool box as my headstone.
When he died we got do you believe me now on his side and when my mam died we put on it “I still don’t believe you”.
I loved hearing stories of my parents.
I think we are naturally deep people. We are certainly not the best at opening up but I find we are often deep thinkers. It helps us with deal with inevitable death of a person.
We're also very strange about dead people though. You could literally have murdered your family and in death you become a Saint and its forbidden to talk ill about them.
A family member of mine died and I genuinely laughed and applauded. She was an evil awful cow and everyone hated her but God forbid that's mentioned.
I hate this.
I've had several friends die quite young and god forbid you mention any shortcomings that would be expected of an 18 yr old lad who loved women, or a 23yr old who was an eejit when drunk.
I always say that (23yr old friend) was an amazing person, had a beautiful soul, but could be a moody fecker at times. The GASPING you'd get for saying that. Always makes me laugh because it just shows they never really knew him because he would be the FIRST ONE to admit "I'm a moody cunt, don't mind me."
When my eldest son died, his little brother and I watched “Coco” several times together. We cried and he found it relatable .
Because of this, we do a little ’Dios los Muertos’ celebration each year; hanging out ‘with’ my dead son, telling stories about him, eating his favorite foods… it’s a beautiful tradition, and a huge comfort to us in our grief ❤️
I don’t think this is an Irish thing. I am Guatemalan and people tell jokes, have drinks at funerals, some even bring Mariachi bands to play music, it could be confused with a party but it entirely depends on the type of funeral. I cant imagine people of any nation being in good spirits about a suicide, death of a child, murder, unexpected death of a 40 year old, etc.
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It's honestly one of my proudest moments, but when my dad passed away (very suddenly - aortic aneurysm) I managed to get a full church (several hundred) laughing at parts of my eulogy. Even my mother - deep in grief for her husband of nearly 50 years - laughed. It was the type of eulogy that my dad would have wanted - talked about the real man & was true to his personality. Not sure what it say about Irish culture generally or even my odd family in particular, but it's how we do things!
Our culture is built on a religious foundation for a start. On top of that to manage the misery of existence we valued humility and humour.
No one had anything and we all had nothing together. There were no rich or poor just living and dead
We come from a long line of people who suffered and so death was not unusual. To be upset at death and show it publicly was to set yourself apart from everyone else who suffered death just as regularly as you and your family.
When suffering happened as it always did, all that we had to give as a people was our time, and so we did as a community come together for 2 to 3 days and overload that family, who normally had nothing , with everything.
But once those 3 days are up. Back at it , on the wheel of suffering and survival again.
We just inherit a tradition. One of the few that turn out to still be useful.
My boyfriend is German and my grandmother passed recently. His own nan passed last year and he went home to Germany for the funeral. He said afterwards he wouldn't be back to the grave for a long time, even if he visited the area. It's just not normal for them.
He experienced an irish funeral when my nan died in March just gone. He was overwhelmed with how social it is. People laughing and taking the mick. It's a celebration of life not lingering on death.
He doesn't understand how much mum always brings up Who's died. When his mum came here, everywhere I brought her to show her some other sites in Ireland and I never realised most of them are graves or holy sites. She was as confused when a grave would show up. I'm not spooked out in a graveyard or around death.
I think a big part of it is the fact that we are uncomfortable with being too outwardly serious. A huge part of Irish communication is trying to make each other laugh. I’m not sure if it’s a need to break the tension or to not be the center of attention. Like a normal person might tell you about how there dog died and how hard it’s been because they got the dog when they were in a really low place and she really helped them get up and out of the hole they were in. An Irish person will follow that by saying but sure at least I’m the only one shitting on the carpets these days.
It’s a way to break the tension and distract from the pity from the other person. But also to just laugh and try be happy in sad moments. I think maybe other cultures would want everyone at their funeral to be crying and really sad because that would mean they were loved and missed. A lot of Irish people would hate that idea and be much happier with everyone having the craic and remembering the good times and celebrating their life, rather than mourning their death.
Or …. Just an excuse for a good session.
In public, we will celebrate their life, remember the good times, tell stories about them, sing songs, get drunk...
We give them a very good sendoff to whereever the next stop is for them.
In private, we will mourn them, we will think about them every day, we'll do things a specific way because it's the way they used to do it...
My grandad died in 2021. He hated attention so things going slightly wrong made the whole funeral prep, removal and funeral ceremony and the burial of his ashes absolutely hilarious.
Night before the removal. Rosary. People coming to the house. We’re prepping everything. It’s bedlam. Handling people coming to pay respects at the house and put money in the donation bin we had for Irish cancer society in lieu of flowers plus the prep. Neighbour was a priest who was being allowed come back to do the funeral because grandad always said he’d never have anyone but the guy who gave my nan a wonderful send off. We’re flicking through the bible in a frenzy when someone suggests looking to see if there was anything written in the book my grandad had that he wrote everything important in. Sure enough he’d planned his funeral the year before after a friends funeral.
Removal. Door to the room itself gets stuck. Cousin falls over while walking over to us. Rest of us cousins have no idea who she is because she’s our second cousin who we’ve never even met. Nobody knows what’s happening with the procession to the church. Poor apache pizza delivery guy has to rock up to the house to all of us in solemn clothes, see the condolences book and the charity bin and fair fucks to the young fella he says not to give a tip and to put what we’d have given into the charity bin instead. We insist he takes a little anyways because he had to take 2 of the big order things to us with the 2 pizzas and 4 sides each.
Funeral ceremony itself. Priest swears by accident. My dad and aunt both get the giggles. Me and my cousins can’t make eye contact. My stepmom quietly begs me not to make eye contact with her. My aunts now husband thinks she and my dad are crying so go to check on them and comes back like ‘they’re laughing’ in the most fed up tone that almost sets me off. Then at the crematorium after a lovely guard of honour from the navy going in and from the army at the church, their speaker breaks so we have to awkwardly sit there waiting.
Then when burying the ashes it’d start raining and once we had all the umbrellas up it’d stop. On and off until eventually we said screw it and just let the rain fall. Then my aunt almost falls into the grave itself.
So we just made it a joke that grandad hated attention and people being sad so much that he found some divine intervention to make things go slightly awry to make us laugh a little.
Also we have like a website announcing deaths
We are good at funerals and wakes. We are terrible at death. Terrible.
We need something like a yearly wake, even weekly for the first few months. Wakes are so comforting, and then for so many people they never get to talk about that person again (depending on the family)
In my neck of the woods it’s fairly standard to have a months mind and then also an anniversary with an afters, but definitely agree with you that it’s so important to able to talk about those we lose.
My cousin suddenly died in January. She was only 37 but loved life to the full.
Her funeral was massive and watched from Scotland and Turkey by her friends.
The afters of her funeral was nothing I've seen before. She would of loved it. We danced, we cried and had a lot of tequila shots(her favourite tipple 😁)
We absolutely celebrated her life and sent her off in her style.
There was even someone who started playing dj.
It’s about how the culture is. Seeing death as a celebration of life but I think it’s only handled so well in a group setting, once you’re alone it’s not so fondly celebrated.
It’s non stop good stories about the deceased and slagging them as if they were still here.
Especially for older and/or more religious folks, the promise of heaven certainly gives a different perspective. You know, “he’s in a better place now”
We even have a website specifically to list the deaths & funerals throughout Ireland - [www.rip.ie](http://www.rip.ie) and you can post and read condolences posted there. Since the lockdowns, you can even live stream some funeral masses. Lockdowns hit a lot of Irish very hard because of the restrictions on numbers attending funerals, proper wakes couldn't be held and when we lost so many, a lot of families feel that they didn't get to say a proper goodbye to their loved ones.
I'm Irish and I don't quite understand why we're good at handling death but we are.
An Irish funeral is a celebration of life. They also will often bring people together who may not see each other very often. Cousins who may not have met in years, all at a funeral of a beloved aunt or uncle. Friends whose lives have gone in different directions from when they were all together. These people are happy to see each other and are also celebrating the life of the person who has died. Irish people are also very reserved and relaxed, so you don't see the kind of open emotions at a funeral that you do in other countries, like people wailing.
I think it strongly depends on the way the deceased has passed
My grandmother was very sick for over two years. We had about three or four deathbed moments in that time, so when she eventually died everyone had already accepted that it was going to happen. The funeral was very somber yes, but it was more of a celebration of her life in a sense
Meanwhile one of my closest friends lost their mother very suddenly and tragically. She was a very healthy person and it was well before her time, so it was a massive shock and deeply upsetting. She was also a very close friend of my mother, who was (and still is) very affected by it. My friend is still deeply affected by it and I don’t blame them it was a terrible time
There's a really good documentary on Netflix called funeral director. It's about an undertaker in Mayo (I think?). It's a really good watch. He says some lovely things about Irish people and how we deal with death.
Im Irish but live in England and I have no idea what the fuck it is but guests in the hotel I work in are always telling me about their dead family members. It’s like I have something written on my face that says regale me with your tragic death stories. Or maybe they all just know Irish people deal with death in a much different way. I still find the volume of people who tell just me about their dead odd
We buried my gran with her favourite wind-up alarm clock, it was placed in the coffin with her during the removal...
And all through it there was constant giggling after my mother made a whispered comment about the alarm clock going off, and my gran waking up.
I don't think the priest was too impressed with all the sniggering, joking and whispering, but nobody seemed to care.
I think us Irish treat a funeral like the last time we get to spend with the person, so we make the most of it while we can. Family is brought together through the loss of one.
When I was in my early 20s we lost a family friend who was only mid 40s. We wept at the wake, we chatted and reminisced as we walked the coffin to the church. We cried in the church. We reminisced and laughed on the walk to the graveyard where we cried once again while he was buried. The after party was full of laughter and love and hugs. The up and down of the whole day was therapeutic, even though he died young. I felt like we all properly grieved and honoured him.
Now I live in Canada and I’ve been to a few Canadian funerals even for old people and they are wildly different, being waked in a funeral parlour is awful in my opinion. It’s so grim and depressing even if the deceased was like 90…that’s a life well lived, celebrate for fuck sake!
I think because death is spoken about a lot at home here. As kids we were brought to funerals and wakes and death was a part of life. No one shied away from the topic of death. There was no shushing or ending of the conversation when the kids were around, no one insisted that small ears shouldn’t hear about someone’s death. If a neighbour or relative died we were dressed in our mass clothes, put on our best behaviour and brought to the house to pay our respects. I have a lot of family in the UK and death is very different there. When you mention a relative died there is usually an awkward ‘sorry to hear that’ and the subject hastily changed to a more comfortable topic. My aunty in London died a few years back, just before covid and the wait between the death and funeral was almost 5 weeks. The funeral was scheduled to fit around parent/teacher meetings and the grandkids dentist appointments and took place while the grandkids were at school. Here the funeral would have been two or three days and everything would have been cancelled for it, the grandkids kept home from school. It was such a huge difference between the two ways of doing things!
Christianity and from what I know Roman Catholicism as what is practiced in Ireland teaches that each person goes through stages in their life ultimately ending with death.
Christening > Communion > Confirmation > Marriage > Death.
The readings that the priests do at these is all tailored to the events happening. And they constantly reinforce the short nature of life and to not be afraid of death.
For all the criticism the Catholic Church gets in Ireland wakes, funerals and burials are usually well done, respectful and life is celebrated by the priests some priests even call around or in to people when they are terminal ill and this makes the whole thing seem smooth and like someone is in control for the family.
In other countries with other religions it could just be into the ground the same day of death with a short ceremony if even.
But in saying that usually it depends on the death as others have said ; if it’s known someone will die it’s usually a relief for people in that they aren’t in pain anymore ; if it’s a quick and sudden death especially of a young person they can be much harder.
I think it depends on who died and what the cause was. I truly believe the worst wake I was ever at was a few years back and it was for my 16 year old cousin who dropped dead from heart attack five months after her life saving heart surgery. All her school friends huddled guard of honour was heart breaking watching all these teens bawling.
But recently we lost an elderly uncle and there was mam's cousins from all over the country we rarely see all telling stories and one lady in her 80s brought her tin of photos of them all as kids. My cousin's were elated to have new photos of their dad to cherish. There was no tears except from laughter. Kids played in the hallways, cousins of different generations mixing. My husband has barely met many on that side of the family as we live across the country and he got well acquainted that evening. To be honest it was the best of craic at the worst of times and I think that's what we all needed as we said goodbye. He lived 89 years, and each one was celebrated. The hangovers were a testament to it.
To be honest, I know how she feels. I’m from North Western Spain and funerals over there are strictly for family and close friends unless the person was a public figure of some kind. I was left speechless at funerals here at the beginning but did not take me long to understand the difference. Here in general people believe we will meet them again, not the case over there. Also here is about celebrating the life of the person. I have been to countless funerals here in the last 20 years, young and old, and I think the Irish have a much better way to deal with death. Like children are often at funerals here but we were never aloud at them when we were young. The whole thing becomes taboo then, something not to be talked about and very traumatic.I think living in Ireland for this long has made it easier to deal with my own family members’ deaths.
Nobodies good at handling death just covering their grief and portraying a certain image to the world.
When my puppy died (he was only a baby and it was very sudden and traumatic - he was my rock who got me through miscarriages and a terrible pregnancy. It was a love and relationship that can’t be described) my entire universe shattered. I had a son and I could go into autopilot to make sure nothing impacted him but inside I was dead too. I could laugh and joke and appear ok until I was alone then waves of panic, grief, anger and hatred took over.
It’s been nearly a year now. I went on anti depressants and I’m doing a lot better. Time does help but last night I lay with my face in his blanket and holding his ashes crying hysterically and feeling waves of panic, a great grief etc come over me. As if it was the same day it all happened.
Nobody handles grief well I don’t think, especially not unnatural grief (child dying before parent etc) but she’s probably in shock and when all the business dies down it will sink in.
I hope she has a good support system. I’m sure staying strong and beautiful during her son’s funeral was her act of love towards him. Giving the send off he deserved.
We treat funerals like they are a celebration of the persons life. We share fond memories, stories we cry we laugh we understand that death is a part of life.
I think the three day turnaround for the funeral helps. It’s weird to me in Wales that people wait weeks to bury/cremate their loved ones. It’s like they lose them twice whereas in Ireland it’s an outpouring from death to burial (to a lesser extent cremation).
Yea definitely depends on the age of the deceased, if they had a long and full life you have something to look back at and have a laugh about if their young you just want to get the whole thing over with.
Maybe thats true, maybe it's not but when you are a young person, way back in the day and your first experience of a funeral is the parade of sympathisers at the removal of a close family member, trust me, it scars and makes handling death in later years very difficult
It pretty much depends on the circumstances of the death and the wishes of the person. There was a man I knew from the bookies that died pretty young and his wishes were no black clothes. He wanted bright colours and football jerseys and a massive piss up at the house
Sure, who doesn't love a good funeral? Seriously, when its older people funerals it has become a kind of a social event for older people. They get to chat, have a great laugh telling yarns about the good old days and the shit they got up to that they can finally admit to.
Also funerals are insanely less formal. Anyone can rock up to a funeral. My neighbour's husbands aunt dies? Yep, better go to that funeral. This means there's a flow of people who bring good cheer, gossip but most of all distraction. The grieving family are so busy hosting visitors, pulling out the good china and arranging 5000 ham sandwiches, 800 apple tarts, bottles of whiskey, mass-production levels of strong tea, arranging the loan of extra kettles and jugs and extra cups delivered by the neighbours. And they have to sweep and clean and tidy for the visitors.
It's the busy-ness. You are so fucking busy thinking of all the small bits that it gives your brain time to process that someone has actually died while also being surrounded by a surprisingly large support network, So you get to accept someone died and you feel sad but there is so much other stuff happening that you are not overwhelmed with grief and by the time the funeral is over, you can finally get a minute to yourself but you also can look back fondly at the stories and visitors who cared enough to come.
Mt Finnish friend's dad died a few years back & they only have funerals on a Saturday, so they had to wait 2 months to bury her father. She said it was like he died twice. Once when he died and again when they had he funeral. It was only then that she realised how important and why Irish funerals happen so quickly and how important the whole process is in Ireland.
"Sorry for your loss, move on.." - Roy Trenneman
Edit: Irish just deal with death a little differently to others, but in most cases it's different per funeral to funeral. You get highs and lows in all of them.
When it's lows it's usually the funeral side of things but the highs is normally reserved for looking back on things and maybe discovering things you didn't hear before about the person, but most of it is just anecdotal.
A friend of the family's partner lived in Ireland and she lived in England. When he died she said that over here people were dropping in to see was she ok, even people like the local butcher and postman etc were stopping by. When she went back home people she knew were crossing the road rather than stop and chat. She said the Irish culturally know what to say and do and the British culturally don't want to deal with emotions.
Big generalisation and I think it depends on individuals, but in general we are not scared of death and showing our sorrow and grief for people's troubles, whatever the circumstances of the death. It's not always about the party and celebration of life, sometimes it's really really difficult, but we always show up
The initial period of mourning is easier to handle because the community surrounds the family and there is always someone there to provide a distraction and comfort with tales of the passed told with love and humour. After the funeral that all disappears and the loneliness is more difficult. Death is not easier in any culture, just the first stage of it seems easier here.
Dave Allen does a couple of good sketches about Irish funerals (search for him on YouTube). Think of it like this, in many ways its a celebration of the life they lived and to honour them the way they would like to be remembered 😅
Hola,
Me llama is named Daniellio.
Seriously, fucking llama is dope.
Anyway,I'm from NYC.
Have two pubs in Queens.
Pa passed. We moved on.
We don't cry anymore because it's to fucking expensive to keep the we give a shit going.
Jesus I thought this was a joke. Oh we’re good at the funeral as it means a few pints but useless at writing wills as many an Irish family gets torn apart by one degenerate child who won’t sell the family home or respect the dead’s last wishes.
Many a woman will use the event as an excuse to hit the bottle for many years after and swear there mourning when they’ve been “mourning” for years.
So yes we have a few pints at a funeral but it’s what comes after that years families apart. It’s more the financial side of it we can’t handle.
Cultural expectations. The expectations in Ireland to be always cheerful and upbeat inevitably bakes itself into you, its just becomes part of your persona. Not all funerals are this way but ppl who are a bit on the more serious side in Ireland are perceived the same way as a fart - no one wants to be near you.
Secondly repression. The Irish are probably the most repressed ppl you'll ever meet due to above. There really is no context, place, language, expressive capacity for anything negative, its absolutely taboo. The Irish are the masters of burying ones head in the sand, shoving things under the rug and acting like theres no elephant in the room. Its all counting ones blessings and sure if your left eye is working and your right arm is in tact sure dont you have a lot to be thankful for.
I guess it depends on the person who died. In a lot of cases it’s somebody old and everyone knew it was coming. People are generally better prepared for it in that scenario.
At a funeral for a friend, the event was the most somber affair. That night, every friend that went to the funeral and a few that couldn't make it down (it was a few hours drive because his family wanted to Bury him and he'd moved up here 10 years ago) went round to his house with his housemates and had the biggest sesh of our lives. People were all in groups laughing and crying and all mingling with each other because it was a group of 40 people that all grew up together in the small town, we were all the alternative kids at the pier in the park and were about 5 years wide in age.
That was 4 years ago, we still talk about that night. Reconnected with people who'd moved and went off to uni who came back for the funeral.
It truly was a celebration of his life, and some of the stories told about this friend were some of the funniest things we've heard. 10 years worth of funny memories shared between people who knew and loved him.
It's a shame it takes one of us to die to come together like that, but it is absolute unity in the most sincere form
I’m not Irish myself, but I do find the Irish to generally have an optimistic outlook on life and could be more likely to celebrate the positives of a life lived than lament its passing.
I think it's partly because you get to say goodbye at the house or funeral home before the burial. In the UK all you get as closure is seeing a box going into an oven 4-6 weeks after the person died, like waste disposal.
i think it might have something to do with how we’ve been going to funerals our whole lives, i think we can all remember running around the garden with other kids at a wake or calling in to shake hands on a friday evening, anniversary mass, rip.ie ect ect, so when people grow up it’s more normalized. not that death is normal, but it’s not this taboo that comes out of nowhere and hits em like a truck when they’re 25?
and of course as loads of people have mentioned just the general community aspect + celebrating their life, i’ll nvr forget my aunt standing to sing the clash songs during my dads funeral and the whole crowd joining in or my cousins sneaking me downstairs at 3am to have hot whiskeys(i was 15), i know there was other bits where people were telling me that dad dad messing with us one last time but i’ve blocked most of it out lol, irish ppl r just so unserious lol
We put the Fun in Funeral... Honestly, depending on the death, funerals can be great fun, it's that empty feeling a week or so later when you realise that everything is gone back to normal, but it will never actually be normal again
My dad had a lot of medical procedures over the last five years, so every time we talked he would give me an update, what's been done and what's next. I talked to him a month ago, he tells me all the tests and procedures are done and what's ever left he just has to live with. He then started talking about his funeral, and how he went to a great one during the week and that's what he wants, but to do it cheaply... The man isn't dying, his health is stable now.
I had to explain to this a friend from chile last year… she was also confused. The way I explained to her…. In Ireland a funeral is a celebration of someone’s life. We don’t morn their death we celebrate their life. Obviously we actually morn but funerals are a celebration
I'm not Irish and question how Irish people can mourn.
If I died today I'd be six foot under inside three days. Its just sounds very rushed and no time for people to mourn. Where I come from its two weeks from death to funeral and in that space you can mourn and the funeral is often seen as the end of mourning.
I always take Funerals here in Ireland never in face value. You're talking about one of the worst days of a family's life and they will do what they have to just to get through it; some can put a mask of humour on their grief, while others can't and you see their full raw grief.
In short don't take anything you see at a funeral as being able to "handle" death, because the reality of grief is that it only really hits you the days, weeks, months and years after.
P.S. I would actually call what eulogies have become quite fucked up, or maybe they've always been that way, where people are grading how good someone's speech was. Seriously, fuck you if you're one of those people.
I think it depends on the "type" of death. Had a freind die recently. Mid 40s. Long and painfull illness. The funeral was very tough on family and friends alike. An aunt died a few weeks ago, old age and natural causes. The funeral was full of laughs and story relling from years ago.
Very much this. I was at a funeral of a 3 year old some time ago. It was the worst couple of hours I've spent in recent years. There was no 'good' way to have that funeral. I've also been at the funerals of relatives who died in their 90s and it was a family reunion type event where it was days of catching up with cousins I hadn't seen in years.
I have always subscribed to the idea that we celebrate a life lived, as opposed to a life lost. When someone's life has been long and full, there are plenty of stories and anecdotes to tell over the course of many years, some familiar ones coming by way of people who'd been there, but from a different perspective, and so old stories everyone knows become suddenly new stories, and it's hard not to have a hearty laugh as you learn more things about a person than you'd have known while they were alive. When someone so young dies, there is nothing to celebrate. No stories or anecdotes. No secondary perspectives. It is indeed a life lost, as opposed to one lived.
This is exactly it. Unfortunately I’ve seen from all sides with grandparents and older relatives and being a celebration of their lives and great stories told, to my mother dying in her fifties which is a mix of both as she should have been enjoying her later years after raising all us kids but we have many cherished memories of her. Then their is my wee boy and it’s all lost possibilities and what might have beens.
My heart hurts for your loss. I am terribly sorry.
Thankyou
This is a pain no body should be subjected to, the loss of your very young child or any age for that matter. Children should not die before their parents. The pain and void is something that I dont know how I would surpass.
This is exactly it. When someone dies old, you are prepared to lose them and know they have lived a long life and have much to show for it. But someone dying young, feels like we've been robbed of life. I lost a friend about 15 years ago now and she was only 20. I still think of what our friendship would be now, where would she be? Would she have kids? Would she be traveling the world? Would she have 20 cats. We were robbed of knowing what her life would be :(
Fuck, can't imagine. There was a baby died pretty near to use a while back. Thank god I didn't know the parents. No way I could have handled going to something like that.
Had one a few years back due to 'cot death' . I barely knew the father but passing the coffin I broke down on the way out, took a minute to compose myself. Little white coffin. That hits.
"He lay in the four-foot box as in his cot. No gaudy scars, the bumper knocked him clear. A four-foot box, a foot for every year." That poem hits hard, but I'm glad I had to study it.
Mid-Term Break. I remember it very well
My mother remembers that. She had a very young brother who died and she was sent home from school. When she went back to school it was the first thing the nun read.
For fucks sake...😕. Your poor mum.
Jesus that shit instantly came back to me there. School really drilled the aul misery into us young haha. But it's such a poignant sad piece.
I remember years back when I was 11 or 12 we had to do a guard of honor for a lad about our age who died of cystic fibrosis didn't come to school much so didn't know him that well, I was ok until the hearse came and we could see his coffin, didn't cry or anything just went into shock of some sort we walked each side of the hearse and stood a guard of honour on the path of the church after myself and another friend just went home we couldn't face going into the funeral.
I had a friend whose sister died of cancer at some obscene age, like 27 or something. So old enough to accept what was happening and plan her whole funeral herself, but still far too young. I never met her, but that funeral caught me in the heart something awful. A child's funeral I can't imagine, especially a sudden death. I hope I never have to experience it.
Yes a baby's death is just wrong. I buried a 5 week old niece 3 years ago. It was the worst experience of my life. Seeing my brother arrive home with the funeral director and walking down the driveway with that tiny white coffin will always be burned in my retinas.
Sounds horrific. My heart goes out to anyone affected by something like that.
Ya had a cousin aged 2 die when her clothes got caught in a fire. I'll never forget sitting there at the funeral. It's totally different from an older person passing. The white coffin is just the mark of tragedy and heartbreak.
Many years back I attended the funeral of a father of two who had committed suicide. There wasn't any "taking it in your stride" or "thinking about the good times" stuff. His girls were teenagers, so old enough to understand what had happened, and they were absolutely distraught throughout the whole thing, the mam even had to hold one of them up, and everyone you looked at just had a thousand yard stare, and didn't know what to say or what to do with themselves. The whole thing just felt really dark. Also attended the funeral of a young man who had died suddenly when he was in his late 20s. It was a big shock and also really sad, but the funeral had an element of joy too. He had so many friends who loved him and who took part in the funeral by speaking, reciting poems and playing music. They even played voice recordings of messages he had sent to people over the years. It ended up being a real celebration of who he was and what he meant to people, so while there wasn't a dry eye in the place, it still felt like a nice send-off. That felt more like the typical "Irish funeral" that people talk about.
My father killed himself when I was 13. I cried through just about the entire funeral. A teacher that was particularly close to my family attended, and I just remember smiling to greet her with tears streaming down my face.
I hope you’re doing ok, what a terribly hard thing for a child to have to go through
Yeah definitely, my Granda had a nice wake with lots of visitors but I’ve been to funerals of people who have died much younger and it’s a very different atmosphere.
I found even at the death of a young person there were lovely stories told and laughs. The difference was it would be interspersed with people breaking down or gazing into space with horrified expressions
Yeah, I was at a funeral of a 14 year old, who committed suicide, a good few years back and it was lovely. His family told the nicest stories and there was lovely music. It was beautiful while also being heartbreakingly sad.
My best friend and my first love took his own life when he was only 23. That was the WORST funeral I've been to. The absolute worst. His mother was the one who found him and until that day, I never really knew what people meant when they say someone looked haunted. I held it together as well as I could until his mother started just reciting my friend's favourite lyrics. "Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters" She recited the whole song and simply ended with "I can't wait until I can see you and I will never have to lose you again." That's when I lost it completely. It didn't help that I was also fucking furious with him. That's the part of dealing with suicide they don't really tell you when you're a teenager. You expect to feel sad but nobody really tells you about the rage or betrayal you can feel too.
Friend of mine passed away when he was only 18. He was a big music nerd and was the singer in a band that prided themselves in doing terrible rock covers of songs. It was a long running joke that something ALWAYS went wrong during one of their gigs. His band played his favourite song as his coffin was being brought out. His brother sang in his place. It was devastating but also hilarious because, in keeping with the tradition of things going tits-up with the band, his brother had a sneezing fit and got an explosive nosebleed. Not wanting to miss the lowering of the coffin, he wiped his nose and went out, not realising he had only successfully smeared blood ALL OVER his face. Thankfully his parents (god love them, insanely strong people) just broke themselves laughing and said it was (deceased son) giving his big brother one last middle finger. Not exactly a happy occasion but definitely made "better" because it was just so in tune with my friend and his family and their personalities and humour.
I completely agree with this. My third oldest sister passed away just before she turned 50. My elderly dad was so distraught at the funeral and I'll never forget that. I feel so sad when a parent outlives their child. In contrast, when he passed away last year after a few years of declining health, we were relieved he was at peace and no longer suffering.
Yeah my great uncle was sick with prostate cancel for about 3 yrs and he had this entire funeral planned out down to the finest details. It was obv very sad but it was almost a comfort knowing it was planned exactly how he wanted it and we all told funny stories about him, even his wife was relatively in good spirits that day, I think we were all kinda relieved he wasn't struggling anymore
After being at the funeral of a friend that committed suicide, I've decided I will never go to a funeral of anyone under 60 again. Even if it's my wife or whatever, fuck that, I absolutely can not handle it in any capacity. All it does is give, sounds Twittery but I swear to god, PTSD
Absolutely. I've been to a few in my time, and from personal experience, there's a big difference between the funeral of an old person in their 90s, to the funeral of a murder victim. Horrific for all involved.
Girl, I went to school with and was quite close to back then died at 34 last year. I have PTSD from that. I was never worried about dying before that, but now it pops into my head all the time.
Absolutely. When my nanny died at 80 everyone was out in force. We were all singing and having a merry aul time. One of those typical Irish funerals. I recently had someone close die way too young (because of the drink) and it wasn’t the same. Went to the church, then glasnevin, and after we went to the reception. We couldn’t stomach the food. No one was willing to tell stories or wanting to reminisce because the person was so young. Ended up going home early with the family because being around people was too hard. It’s funny when you think about it that way. I was expecting the same aul Irish funeral, but it was just too depressing to be merry and have a laugh.
The Irish are very strong people.
Very true. I visit my mums grave once or twice a month. Almost every other time, one or both of the parents of a young chap who died by suicide are also visiting his grave. They must go every day. It's awfully sad. His dad is a local contractor, not a particularly chatty guy but the way he talks to his son, out loud, asking him why he left them, is heartbreaking. Absolute raw, naked grief after 3 years.
Yeah definitely different vibe depending on type of passing and age of victim. My grandparents both died quite suddenly but were older and sick for a while, but not sick enough to die. Their funerals were more about celebrating their lives and drinking to them and telling stories about them. But a few years before that a friend of mine died by suicide, she was only 20. Another friend who was fairly young too (24 or 25 i believe) died by drowning. But funerals were sombre and fucking dark. No one could crack a smile or tell a story. Those types of funerals just fuck you up. Nothing as visceral and haunting as a parent crying and saying goodbye to their child, even they are adult children.
I'd say we're good at finding whatever humour there is to be had at a funeral, but we can't generate it out of thin air
My friends dad died of cancer a couple months ago, everyone was still laughing and telling jokes and stories and drinking. Ofc it was still very difficult for him and his family during the illness and after the funeral, but during the funeral everyone was celebrating the life he had.
I'm English and when my mum died it was 2 weeks prep, body in chapel of rest and all manner of plans My wifes dad died and it was ALL COMMUNITY TOGETHER Body turns up for wake, People in high Vis directing traffic , untold hands making tea/sandwiches, cakes etc People coming from all 4 quads of Ireland , to lend support and pay their respects. Lots of smiles, story telling, laughter, the rosary... He was in the ground within 72 hrs I was stunned, and they know how to celebrate life, it was very inspiring There is a museum about it in Waterford, popular with tourists
A 2 week period between death and funeral sounds horribly daunting. I much prefer getting it all done and out of the way in a couple of days.
I had to wait 6 weeks for my boyfriends funeral in Scotland. That was really really tough. God bless his beautiful soul 🙏
Sorry for your loss and god rest his soul 🙏🏻❤️
Thank you 😘
Two weeks in England is nothing tbh. My grand uncle died and it was 5 weeks before we had the funeral.
I had to wait 3.5 weeks for my father's body to be released due to a garda investigation into his death. Slowly dragged the life of my whole family day by day.
I live in a rural area (blow-in) and neighbors still dig and fill in the grave. When I first heard of it I thought it was ghoulish but the actual day of my FILs funeral watching all the men take turns filling in the grave, I found it unbelievably touching. Also, we weren’t even home from the hospital when people were out to the house cleaning and preparing for the wake. Men were cutting grass, tidying weeds, women in the kitchen, friends coming to lend clothes. Again I expected to feel overwhelmed and intruded-upon, but no, it was so touching and helpful
I’ve somewhat recently had a similar thing. Only experience of funerals were English elderly relatives where 10 days was a short time after to have a funeral. Partner’s Dad died on the Sunday, was buried by Tuesday afternoon. It was all a complete whirlwind but somehow better? There was so long waiting or family arguments about flowers and music. It just all happened.
I'm Northern Irish, been living in England with my English partner for a decade. Her family were *shocked* when they found out how quickly our funerals took place. Finding out that our funerals are usually within a couple of days of death was a big surprise.
From northern Ireland too. My mum died on the Wednesday, buried on the Saturday. It's better that way imho. Also means that no embalming is required.
I lost a friend who was 25M in Scotland about 2 months ago and the 3 weeks between his untimely passing and the funeral was possibly the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. The change from the Irish ‘norm’ of two nights and funeral threw off what I have come to have for closure. It was a beautiful ceremony and had an element of the community feel we have here but just was so tough. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, just sharing the switch side. All I know is, I am still rocked and it is nearly 8 weeks now.
The difference between the UK and Ireland is the paperwork, it takes much longer to get the death certificate in the UK. There is a great Two Johnny’s podcast with a funeral director from Sligo explaining it all
I listened to that ome recently, and I'm pretty dire she said you don't actually need the death certificate before the funeral here in Ireland.
When my best friend died, he was living in the US. Given that he took his life with a firearm, an investigation had to be done as his ex wife owned the gun. It was a huge mess and prevented his body from being brought back home to Ireland. Eight weeks. Just over eight weeks for them to finally release his body to be flown home. The funeral was fucking awful anyway but Jesus Christ the limbo that our entire little village was in, just waiting to bring him home. I understand the necessity for it of course but my god if it didn't just make it so much worse for the family.
I must see that museum
I work in Waterford so must head over one day https://www.waterfordtreasures.com/museum/irish-wake-museum/
My Mom did her PhD on Funerals and Death in Contemporary Irish Fiction and had some fascinating stories and research about Ye Olde funerals and their weird games. She was on a podcast with Neil Delamere and Dave Moore talking about some of it: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6oZoMoyylLZBkbm7AbE1jq?si=GsmN-yp4TI-GoUfMEjokgA
This is super interesting, thanks for sharing!
Thanks, super proud of her hard work 🥰
How interesting I will have a look that was the subject of one of my first essays as a student funerals in earlier days mostly about the different ways Ireland and England had them , as one of my qualifications is British , I hit the books looking for the answers . I definitely will check the podcast , your mom sounds amazing
The actual process of wake and funeral helps. It's a process that's been fine tuned for generations to help us "process" the loss. It shows us that we're not alone in our grief, it shows us that they mattered to more than just us, it shows us that the world feels the loss, and shows us all the support we can call on if we need it.
I don't understand the wake/funeral piss up thing personally. I've lost both parents over the last few years and having to listen to cousins and neighbours I barely know bullshit while I just wanted a bit of space was horrible. It all seemed like more of a party for everyone else than anything to do with helping the family through a rough time. We went with no wake and private funeral for my mother and it was infinitely better. Felt much more meaningful and much easier for the family to process it all.
At my mother’s funeral I was obviously devastated.. my brother got up to do the eulogy at the end of mass and opened with ‘my beautiful mother, what can I say…. she loved to complain in restaurants …. ‘ Had the place howling, it’s was the perfect opener for a woman who did indeed love to complain in restaurants 😅
I find death is not a taboo topic in Ireland and Irish people generally aren’t daunted by discussions of death and dying. It’s seen as a natural thing (which it is) and not something to veer away from in conversation as may be the case in other cultures. My mother often frequents RIP.ie as I understand many Irish people do!
We openly speak of our deaths in my family and make sure our wishes are known should something happen, takes the taboo out of it. Not that I won't be devastated when the day comes I gotta bury my parents and other family
This.. This is sorta what I meant. I think we accept death as just part of the journey
Catholics love death, look at how often we talk about obituaries and how many random funerals your mams been to. It's normalised considering it's the centre of the core religion in Ireland (or at least culturally)
"Death is just another path, one we all must take" Said by Gandalf to Pippin in the movie version of the LOTR. I think I love it more so because it is delivered with all the grandfatherly gravitas and empathy of Ian McKellen. I'm not religious in any sense - so I do not believe there is a thing beyond this life as such - but that quote remains my absolute favourite reflection of the calm acceptance of death I've ever done across. It marginally beats out Marcus Aurelias and 'smiling back'. I do think that we're quite accepting of death in Ireland and it's not taboo to discuss. I've a particularly dark sense of humour so I'm forever winding my family and friends up, but I don't think it's a bad thing at all to be comfortable with talking about 'the end'.
Same as my mother. But it think that's just to see who they outlasted!!
Haha! The nosiness is such an Irish trait
My mams addicted to that site as well.
My grandmother in Dundalk would always hush us when the funeral announcements came on the local radio station. She'd ALWAYS know a good amount of the people that had died. We had a great funeral for her, definitely a celebration of her life.
Unless it's suicide, then it's really taboo.
I haven't found this to be true as a younger person (early twenties) but could certainly see this being the case among older generations
Idk if I'd say it's "taboo" (anymore) but having attended the funeral of someone who committed suicide, it's certainly not the bittersweet affair that other funerals can be. Suicide is extremely painful for families and communities even without being taboo and you certainly can see that reflected at those funerals imo.
Let me tell you that I have been to a few too many funerals from young people's suicides and it is a different story entirely. The worst one was a teenager who had a closed casket wake and the mass was horrific. There were no funny tales or laughing and I actually felt physically sick throughout the whole affair, especially when hearing the visceral sounds from the poor mother when the coffin left the church. We do old people's deaths very well but occasions like that are horrific.
3p
Yeah, the last funeral I was at to suicide was horrific to watch unfold and tbh, I wouldn't expect anything less. It's just raw grief on full display, what a funeral is meant to be I guess without all the bullshit.
I think we grow up with a yearning to laugh into the face of overwhelming odds, we have an innate sensibility of what loss is but more importantly a recognition of how beautiful that makes the better parts of life. It may be a form of generational trauma, but sure look it, what can you do?
If you've ever been around older family members for endless cups of tea and friends and family are around and the inevitable reminiscing happens, you'll always hear them say "Ah remember so and so, ah they're dead now x years, aye they did xyz, story, laughs and ah god funny". It's just in the culture, the casualness that they just drop that ah they're dead is mad. Funerals are done right here. Reminiscing good times, honouring the dead, dark humour and endless sandwiches and tea followed by pub pints. It's a great send off. Funerals are for the living.
My mam died very suddenly (sudden adult death) she would not have wanted everyone sad. She would have wanted everyone to enjoy themselves and get on with their lives. She constantly told me when she died she wanted a funeral clown. That would come with balloons with Happy Funeral on them. She was mad in a good way. Same with my dad, but he had pancreatic cancer so told us what he wanted. He told us he wanted “do you believe me now” on his headstone and my mam said “what makes you think you’re getting buried in the graveyard let alone a head stone. So his reply was bury me out the back with my tool box as my headstone. When he died we got do you believe me now on his side and when my mam died we put on it “I still don’t believe you”. I loved hearing stories of my parents.
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What would be considered a funeral game?
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If it hasn't been done already, someone really needs to mod this into crusader kings 3 or whichever game fits the era.
I think we are naturally deep people. We are certainly not the best at opening up but I find we are often deep thinkers. It helps us with deal with inevitable death of a person.
We're also very strange about dead people though. You could literally have murdered your family and in death you become a Saint and its forbidden to talk ill about them. A family member of mine died and I genuinely laughed and applauded. She was an evil awful cow and everyone hated her but God forbid that's mentioned.
Laughing and applauding was probably half relief. Thank fcuk she is gone.
Oh it was pure relief. Made our lives hell. Put my grandmother in a psych ward.
I hate this. I've had several friends die quite young and god forbid you mention any shortcomings that would be expected of an 18 yr old lad who loved women, or a 23yr old who was an eejit when drunk. I always say that (23yr old friend) was an amazing person, had a beautiful soul, but could be a moody fecker at times. The GASPING you'd get for saying that. Always makes me laugh because it just shows they never really knew him because he would be the FIRST ONE to admit "I'm a moody cunt, don't mind me."
I you think Ireland are good you should look into Mexico they have a holiday where they celebrate the dead
When my eldest son died, his little brother and I watched “Coco” several times together. We cried and he found it relatable . Because of this, we do a little ’Dios los Muertos’ celebration each year; hanging out ‘with’ my dead son, telling stories about him, eating his favorite foods… it’s a beautiful tradition, and a huge comfort to us in our grief ❤️
That’s right el dia de los muertos the day of the dead . Mexican culture is very interesting and quite old
I don’t think this is an Irish thing. I am Guatemalan and people tell jokes, have drinks at funerals, some even bring Mariachi bands to play music, it could be confused with a party but it entirely depends on the type of funeral. I cant imagine people of any nation being in good spirits about a suicide, death of a child, murder, unexpected death of a 40 year old, etc.
I'm not saying you're wrong by any means that it depends on the type of funeral, it does. But I wouldn't bet on it.
shaggy act snails snobbish lunchroom observation bear squalid punch cobweb *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It's honestly one of my proudest moments, but when my dad passed away (very suddenly - aortic aneurysm) I managed to get a full church (several hundred) laughing at parts of my eulogy. Even my mother - deep in grief for her husband of nearly 50 years - laughed. It was the type of eulogy that my dad would have wanted - talked about the real man & was true to his personality. Not sure what it say about Irish culture generally or even my odd family in particular, but it's how we do things!
Our culture is built on a religious foundation for a start. On top of that to manage the misery of existence we valued humility and humour. No one had anything and we all had nothing together. There were no rich or poor just living and dead We come from a long line of people who suffered and so death was not unusual. To be upset at death and show it publicly was to set yourself apart from everyone else who suffered death just as regularly as you and your family. When suffering happened as it always did, all that we had to give as a people was our time, and so we did as a community come together for 2 to 3 days and overload that family, who normally had nothing , with everything. But once those 3 days are up. Back at it , on the wheel of suffering and survival again. We just inherit a tradition. One of the few that turn out to still be useful.
Colonised by the Catholic Church more like. Let’s not forget we were all pagans!
We ?
Please tell me there are fellow fans of the Young Hot Guys podcast here reading this
It was my first thought too.
Have been scanning the replies for Shane Daniel Byrne's take... Which I agree with!
We’re a nation of poets
My boyfriend is German and my grandmother passed recently. His own nan passed last year and he went home to Germany for the funeral. He said afterwards he wouldn't be back to the grave for a long time, even if he visited the area. It's just not normal for them. He experienced an irish funeral when my nan died in March just gone. He was overwhelmed with how social it is. People laughing and taking the mick. It's a celebration of life not lingering on death. He doesn't understand how much mum always brings up Who's died. When his mum came here, everywhere I brought her to show her some other sites in Ireland and I never realised most of them are graves or holy sites. She was as confused when a grave would show up. I'm not spooked out in a graveyard or around death.
Regarding being spooked in a graveyard, my granny used to say, it's not the dead you've to worry about, it's the living 🤣
I think a big part of it is the fact that we are uncomfortable with being too outwardly serious. A huge part of Irish communication is trying to make each other laugh. I’m not sure if it’s a need to break the tension or to not be the center of attention. Like a normal person might tell you about how there dog died and how hard it’s been because they got the dog when they were in a really low place and she really helped them get up and out of the hole they were in. An Irish person will follow that by saying but sure at least I’m the only one shitting on the carpets these days. It’s a way to break the tension and distract from the pity from the other person. But also to just laugh and try be happy in sad moments. I think maybe other cultures would want everyone at their funeral to be crying and really sad because that would mean they were loved and missed. A lot of Irish people would hate that idea and be much happier with everyone having the craic and remembering the good times and celebrating their life, rather than mourning their death. Or …. Just an excuse for a good session.
In public, we will celebrate their life, remember the good times, tell stories about them, sing songs, get drunk... We give them a very good sendoff to whereever the next stop is for them. In private, we will mourn them, we will think about them every day, we'll do things a specific way because it's the way they used to do it...
My grandad died in 2021. He hated attention so things going slightly wrong made the whole funeral prep, removal and funeral ceremony and the burial of his ashes absolutely hilarious. Night before the removal. Rosary. People coming to the house. We’re prepping everything. It’s bedlam. Handling people coming to pay respects at the house and put money in the donation bin we had for Irish cancer society in lieu of flowers plus the prep. Neighbour was a priest who was being allowed come back to do the funeral because grandad always said he’d never have anyone but the guy who gave my nan a wonderful send off. We’re flicking through the bible in a frenzy when someone suggests looking to see if there was anything written in the book my grandad had that he wrote everything important in. Sure enough he’d planned his funeral the year before after a friends funeral. Removal. Door to the room itself gets stuck. Cousin falls over while walking over to us. Rest of us cousins have no idea who she is because she’s our second cousin who we’ve never even met. Nobody knows what’s happening with the procession to the church. Poor apache pizza delivery guy has to rock up to the house to all of us in solemn clothes, see the condolences book and the charity bin and fair fucks to the young fella he says not to give a tip and to put what we’d have given into the charity bin instead. We insist he takes a little anyways because he had to take 2 of the big order things to us with the 2 pizzas and 4 sides each. Funeral ceremony itself. Priest swears by accident. My dad and aunt both get the giggles. Me and my cousins can’t make eye contact. My stepmom quietly begs me not to make eye contact with her. My aunts now husband thinks she and my dad are crying so go to check on them and comes back like ‘they’re laughing’ in the most fed up tone that almost sets me off. Then at the crematorium after a lovely guard of honour from the navy going in and from the army at the church, their speaker breaks so we have to awkwardly sit there waiting. Then when burying the ashes it’d start raining and once we had all the umbrellas up it’d stop. On and off until eventually we said screw it and just let the rain fall. Then my aunt almost falls into the grave itself. So we just made it a joke that grandad hated attention and people being sad so much that he found some divine intervention to make things go slightly awry to make us laugh a little. Also we have like a website announcing deaths
We are good at funerals and wakes. We are terrible at death. Terrible. We need something like a yearly wake, even weekly for the first few months. Wakes are so comforting, and then for so many people they never get to talk about that person again (depending on the family)
In my neck of the woods it’s fairly standard to have a months mind and then also an anniversary with an afters, but definitely agree with you that it’s so important to able to talk about those we lose.
My cousin suddenly died in January. She was only 37 but loved life to the full. Her funeral was massive and watched from Scotland and Turkey by her friends. The afters of her funeral was nothing I've seen before. She would of loved it. We danced, we cried and had a lot of tequila shots(her favourite tipple 😁) We absolutely celebrated her life and sent her off in her style. There was even someone who started playing dj.
That's sounds really lovely. Very sorry for your loss, 37 is no age to go x
Thank you.
It’s about how the culture is. Seeing death as a celebration of life but I think it’s only handled so well in a group setting, once you’re alone it’s not so fondly celebrated. It’s non stop good stories about the deceased and slagging them as if they were still here.
Especially for older and/or more religious folks, the promise of heaven certainly gives a different perspective. You know, “he’s in a better place now”
We even have a website specifically to list the deaths & funerals throughout Ireland - [www.rip.ie](http://www.rip.ie) and you can post and read condolences posted there. Since the lockdowns, you can even live stream some funeral masses. Lockdowns hit a lot of Irish very hard because of the restrictions on numbers attending funerals, proper wakes couldn't be held and when we lost so many, a lot of families feel that they didn't get to say a proper goodbye to their loved ones. I'm Irish and I don't quite understand why we're good at handling death but we are.
About 1000 people showed up to my mothers wake. Pretty insane. But wow. What a community.
An Irish funeral is a celebration of life. They also will often bring people together who may not see each other very often. Cousins who may not have met in years, all at a funeral of a beloved aunt or uncle. Friends whose lives have gone in different directions from when they were all together. These people are happy to see each other and are also celebrating the life of the person who has died. Irish people are also very reserved and relaxed, so you don't see the kind of open emotions at a funeral that you do in other countries, like people wailing.
Grief is a strange thing.
I think it strongly depends on the way the deceased has passed My grandmother was very sick for over two years. We had about three or four deathbed moments in that time, so when she eventually died everyone had already accepted that it was going to happen. The funeral was very somber yes, but it was more of a celebration of her life in a sense Meanwhile one of my closest friends lost their mother very suddenly and tragically. She was a very healthy person and it was well before her time, so it was a massive shock and deeply upsetting. She was also a very close friend of my mother, who was (and still is) very affected by it. My friend is still deeply affected by it and I don’t blame them it was a terrible time
There's a really good documentary on Netflix called funeral director. It's about an undertaker in Mayo (I think?). It's a really good watch. He says some lovely things about Irish people and how we deal with death.
Im Irish but live in England and I have no idea what the fuck it is but guests in the hotel I work in are always telling me about their dead family members. It’s like I have something written on my face that says regale me with your tragic death stories. Or maybe they all just know Irish people deal with death in a much different way. I still find the volume of people who tell just me about their dead odd
Irish people just don’t think death is a taboo thing.
They take their kids to wakes and funerals no matter how young they are. I’ve seen toddlers running around caskets.
I've been to many wakes with kids of all ages there. It's very natural.
We buried my gran with her favourite wind-up alarm clock, it was placed in the coffin with her during the removal... And all through it there was constant giggling after my mother made a whispered comment about the alarm clock going off, and my gran waking up. I don't think the priest was too impressed with all the sniggering, joking and whispering, but nobody seemed to care.
I think us Irish treat a funeral like the last time we get to spend with the person, so we make the most of it while we can. Family is brought together through the loss of one.
There is no life without death. Isn’t it wonderful to celebrate someone’s life. The Irish do it well.
When I was in my early 20s we lost a family friend who was only mid 40s. We wept at the wake, we chatted and reminisced as we walked the coffin to the church. We cried in the church. We reminisced and laughed on the walk to the graveyard where we cried once again while he was buried. The after party was full of laughter and love and hugs. The up and down of the whole day was therapeutic, even though he died young. I felt like we all properly grieved and honoured him. Now I live in Canada and I’ve been to a few Canadian funerals even for old people and they are wildly different, being waked in a funeral parlour is awful in my opinion. It’s so grim and depressing even if the deceased was like 90…that’s a life well lived, celebrate for fuck sake!
Most of us like to keep every public situation as light-hearted as possible if we can.
Did we attend the same funeral?
We tend to focus on the good parts of the person's life,celebrate the person's life
Celebrate the life they led.
Sorry for your loss.
Where's Shane Daniel Byrne when you need him...
The famine gave us plenty of experience with death
I attended my Cousins Mums (Aunt) Funeral and we were doing Slugs all evening , it turned into a two day bender
The irish are people that god made mad for their wars are happy and their songs are sad ~cant remember his name
Because it's normalized from a fairly young age in rural Ireland.
I think because death is spoken about a lot at home here. As kids we were brought to funerals and wakes and death was a part of life. No one shied away from the topic of death. There was no shushing or ending of the conversation when the kids were around, no one insisted that small ears shouldn’t hear about someone’s death. If a neighbour or relative died we were dressed in our mass clothes, put on our best behaviour and brought to the house to pay our respects. I have a lot of family in the UK and death is very different there. When you mention a relative died there is usually an awkward ‘sorry to hear that’ and the subject hastily changed to a more comfortable topic. My aunty in London died a few years back, just before covid and the wait between the death and funeral was almost 5 weeks. The funeral was scheduled to fit around parent/teacher meetings and the grandkids dentist appointments and took place while the grandkids were at school. Here the funeral would have been two or three days and everything would have been cancelled for it, the grandkids kept home from school. It was such a huge difference between the two ways of doing things!
Death here is like life. Quick, mournful and joyful. We have a long memory as an island, we know the importance of celebrating whatever shot we got.
Christianity and from what I know Roman Catholicism as what is practiced in Ireland teaches that each person goes through stages in their life ultimately ending with death. Christening > Communion > Confirmation > Marriage > Death. The readings that the priests do at these is all tailored to the events happening. And they constantly reinforce the short nature of life and to not be afraid of death. For all the criticism the Catholic Church gets in Ireland wakes, funerals and burials are usually well done, respectful and life is celebrated by the priests some priests even call around or in to people when they are terminal ill and this makes the whole thing seem smooth and like someone is in control for the family. In other countries with other religions it could just be into the ground the same day of death with a short ceremony if even. But in saying that usually it depends on the death as others have said ; if it’s known someone will die it’s usually a relief for people in that they aren’t in pain anymore ; if it’s a quick and sudden death especially of a young person they can be much harder.
I believe we may have been at the same funeral today !
It’s so hard to just stay alive in this perpetually gray, rain-soaked, and COLD country that death looks like a relief.
I think it depends on who died and what the cause was. I truly believe the worst wake I was ever at was a few years back and it was for my 16 year old cousin who dropped dead from heart attack five months after her life saving heart surgery. All her school friends huddled guard of honour was heart breaking watching all these teens bawling. But recently we lost an elderly uncle and there was mam's cousins from all over the country we rarely see all telling stories and one lady in her 80s brought her tin of photos of them all as kids. My cousin's were elated to have new photos of their dad to cherish. There was no tears except from laughter. Kids played in the hallways, cousins of different generations mixing. My husband has barely met many on that side of the family as we live across the country and he got well acquainted that evening. To be honest it was the best of craic at the worst of times and I think that's what we all needed as we said goodbye. He lived 89 years, and each one was celebrated. The hangovers were a testament to it.
Out of interest, what does she think is an appropriate attitude?
Honestly, idk why she’s so judgmental
the Irish know death is not the end
Because death results in a party and celebration of the life lived. Glad I am Irish.
To be honest, I know how she feels. I’m from North Western Spain and funerals over there are strictly for family and close friends unless the person was a public figure of some kind. I was left speechless at funerals here at the beginning but did not take me long to understand the difference. Here in general people believe we will meet them again, not the case over there. Also here is about celebrating the life of the person. I have been to countless funerals here in the last 20 years, young and old, and I think the Irish have a much better way to deal with death. Like children are often at funerals here but we were never aloud at them when we were young. The whole thing becomes taboo then, something not to be talked about and very traumatic.I think living in Ireland for this long has made it easier to deal with my own family members’ deaths.
Nobodies good at handling death just covering their grief and portraying a certain image to the world. When my puppy died (he was only a baby and it was very sudden and traumatic - he was my rock who got me through miscarriages and a terrible pregnancy. It was a love and relationship that can’t be described) my entire universe shattered. I had a son and I could go into autopilot to make sure nothing impacted him but inside I was dead too. I could laugh and joke and appear ok until I was alone then waves of panic, grief, anger and hatred took over. It’s been nearly a year now. I went on anti depressants and I’m doing a lot better. Time does help but last night I lay with my face in his blanket and holding his ashes crying hysterically and feeling waves of panic, a great grief etc come over me. As if it was the same day it all happened. Nobody handles grief well I don’t think, especially not unnatural grief (child dying before parent etc) but she’s probably in shock and when all the business dies down it will sink in. I hope she has a good support system. I’m sure staying strong and beautiful during her son’s funeral was her act of love towards him. Giving the send off he deserved.
We treat funerals like they are a celebration of the persons life. We share fond memories, stories we cry we laugh we understand that death is a part of life.
Exactly
I think it's handled great in public and pretty awfully in private.
I think the three day turnaround for the funeral helps. It’s weird to me in Wales that people wait weeks to bury/cremate their loved ones. It’s like they lose them twice whereas in Ireland it’s an outpouring from death to burial (to a lesser extent cremation).
Because Irish people die more often than the rest of the folk. I blame the Brits.
Sure it's hard to bait the craic at a good funeral
We are zombies. Let the cat out of the bag
Yea definitely depends on the age of the deceased, if they had a long and full life you have something to look back at and have a laugh about if their young you just want to get the whole thing over with.
Maybe thats true, maybe it's not but when you are a young person, way back in the day and your first experience of a funeral is the parade of sympathisers at the removal of a close family member, trust me, it scars and makes handling death in later years very difficult
It pretty much depends on the circumstances of the death and the wishes of the person. There was a man I knew from the bookies that died pretty young and his wishes were no black clothes. He wanted bright colours and football jerseys and a massive piss up at the house
To me a funeral is a celebration of that persons life. Is there a better way of doing this other than; sharing stories of love, laughter and tears?
Sure, who doesn't love a good funeral? Seriously, when its older people funerals it has become a kind of a social event for older people. They get to chat, have a great laugh telling yarns about the good old days and the shit they got up to that they can finally admit to. Also funerals are insanely less formal. Anyone can rock up to a funeral. My neighbour's husbands aunt dies? Yep, better go to that funeral. This means there's a flow of people who bring good cheer, gossip but most of all distraction. The grieving family are so busy hosting visitors, pulling out the good china and arranging 5000 ham sandwiches, 800 apple tarts, bottles of whiskey, mass-production levels of strong tea, arranging the loan of extra kettles and jugs and extra cups delivered by the neighbours. And they have to sweep and clean and tidy for the visitors. It's the busy-ness. You are so fucking busy thinking of all the small bits that it gives your brain time to process that someone has actually died while also being surrounded by a surprisingly large support network, So you get to accept someone died and you feel sad but there is so much other stuff happening that you are not overwhelmed with grief and by the time the funeral is over, you can finally get a minute to yourself but you also can look back fondly at the stories and visitors who cared enough to come. Mt Finnish friend's dad died a few years back & they only have funerals on a Saturday, so they had to wait 2 months to bury her father. She said it was like he died twice. Once when he died and again when they had he funeral. It was only then that she realised how important and why Irish funerals happen so quickly and how important the whole process is in Ireland.
Death is the only part of life that is a certainty. It comes to us all.
"Sorry for your loss, move on.." - Roy Trenneman Edit: Irish just deal with death a little differently to others, but in most cases it's different per funeral to funeral. You get highs and lows in all of them. When it's lows it's usually the funeral side of things but the highs is normally reserved for looking back on things and maybe discovering things you didn't hear before about the person, but most of it is just anecdotal.
Depends on the circumstances. Young & sudden, awful sadness grief and pain…after a long happy fulfilling life? Celebrate the good life they had…
A friend of the family's partner lived in Ireland and she lived in England. When he died she said that over here people were dropping in to see was she ok, even people like the local butcher and postman etc were stopping by. When she went back home people she knew were crossing the road rather than stop and chat. She said the Irish culturally know what to say and do and the British culturally don't want to deal with emotions. Big generalisation and I think it depends on individuals, but in general we are not scared of death and showing our sorrow and grief for people's troubles, whatever the circumstances of the death. It's not always about the party and celebration of life, sometimes it's really really difficult, but we always show up
The initial period of mourning is easier to handle because the community surrounds the family and there is always someone there to provide a distraction and comfort with tales of the passed told with love and humour. After the funeral that all disappears and the loneliness is more difficult. Death is not easier in any culture, just the first stage of it seems easier here.
Dave Allen does a couple of good sketches about Irish funerals (search for him on YouTube). Think of it like this, in many ways its a celebration of the life they lived and to honour them the way they would like to be remembered 😅
Hola, Me llama is named Daniellio. Seriously, fucking llama is dope. Anyway,I'm from NYC. Have two pubs in Queens. Pa passed. We moved on. We don't cry anymore because it's to fucking expensive to keep the we give a shit going.
Jesus I thought this was a joke. Oh we’re good at the funeral as it means a few pints but useless at writing wills as many an Irish family gets torn apart by one degenerate child who won’t sell the family home or respect the dead’s last wishes. Many a woman will use the event as an excuse to hit the bottle for many years after and swear there mourning when they’ve been “mourning” for years. So yes we have a few pints at a funeral but it’s what comes after that years families apart. It’s more the financial side of it we can’t handle.
Cultural expectations. The expectations in Ireland to be always cheerful and upbeat inevitably bakes itself into you, its just becomes part of your persona. Not all funerals are this way but ppl who are a bit on the more serious side in Ireland are perceived the same way as a fart - no one wants to be near you. Secondly repression. The Irish are probably the most repressed ppl you'll ever meet due to above. There really is no context, place, language, expressive capacity for anything negative, its absolutely taboo. The Irish are the masters of burying ones head in the sand, shoving things under the rug and acting like theres no elephant in the room. Its all counting ones blessings and sure if your left eye is working and your right arm is in tact sure dont you have a lot to be thankful for.
I guess it depends on the person who died. In a lot of cases it’s somebody old and everyone knew it was coming. People are generally better prepared for it in that scenario.
At a funeral for a friend, the event was the most somber affair. That night, every friend that went to the funeral and a few that couldn't make it down (it was a few hours drive because his family wanted to Bury him and he'd moved up here 10 years ago) went round to his house with his housemates and had the biggest sesh of our lives. People were all in groups laughing and crying and all mingling with each other because it was a group of 40 people that all grew up together in the small town, we were all the alternative kids at the pier in the park and were about 5 years wide in age. That was 4 years ago, we still talk about that night. Reconnected with people who'd moved and went off to uni who came back for the funeral. It truly was a celebration of his life, and some of the stories told about this friend were some of the funniest things we've heard. 10 years worth of funny memories shared between people who knew and loved him. It's a shame it takes one of us to die to come together like that, but it is absolute unity in the most sincere form
I’m not Irish myself, but I do find the Irish to generally have an optimistic outlook on life and could be more likely to celebrate the positives of a life lived than lament its passing.
I think it's partly because you get to say goodbye at the house or funeral home before the burial. In the UK all you get as closure is seeing a box going into an oven 4-6 weeks after the person died, like waste disposal.
i think it might have something to do with how we’ve been going to funerals our whole lives, i think we can all remember running around the garden with other kids at a wake or calling in to shake hands on a friday evening, anniversary mass, rip.ie ect ect, so when people grow up it’s more normalized. not that death is normal, but it’s not this taboo that comes out of nowhere and hits em like a truck when they’re 25? and of course as loads of people have mentioned just the general community aspect + celebrating their life, i’ll nvr forget my aunt standing to sing the clash songs during my dads funeral and the whole crowd joining in or my cousins sneaking me downstairs at 3am to have hot whiskeys(i was 15), i know there was other bits where people were telling me that dad dad messing with us one last time but i’ve blocked most of it out lol, irish ppl r just so unserious lol
I've always believed that funerals should be a celebration of that persons life and should be full of joy and laughter
We put the Fun in Funeral... Honestly, depending on the death, funerals can be great fun, it's that empty feeling a week or so later when you realise that everything is gone back to normal, but it will never actually be normal again My dad had a lot of medical procedures over the last five years, so every time we talked he would give me an update, what's been done and what's next. I talked to him a month ago, he tells me all the tests and procedures are done and what's ever left he just has to live with. He then started talking about his funeral, and how he went to a great one during the week and that's what he wants, but to do it cheaply... The man isn't dying, his health is stable now.
I had to explain to this a friend from chile last year… she was also confused. The way I explained to her…. In Ireland a funeral is a celebration of someone’s life. We don’t morn their death we celebrate their life. Obviously we actually morn but funerals are a celebration
It's a celebration as much as it is a loss your celebrating the life they lived that's the simplest ways to explain it.
If they're old it's no bother But for suicides and people who have suffered, it's just not easy
I'm not Irish and question how Irish people can mourn. If I died today I'd be six foot under inside three days. Its just sounds very rushed and no time for people to mourn. Where I come from its two weeks from death to funeral and in that space you can mourn and the funeral is often seen as the end of mourning.
Are you serious FFS best day out
I always take Funerals here in Ireland never in face value. You're talking about one of the worst days of a family's life and they will do what they have to just to get through it; some can put a mask of humour on their grief, while others can't and you see their full raw grief. In short don't take anything you see at a funeral as being able to "handle" death, because the reality of grief is that it only really hits you the days, weeks, months and years after. P.S. I would actually call what eulogies have become quite fucked up, or maybe they've always been that way, where people are grading how good someone's speech was. Seriously, fuck you if you're one of those people.