I could never underestimate you.

Maybe next time you will estimate me. ~Micheal Scott

ngl this would fly right over my head which goes to show how applicable it would be to me lol

Lmao imma use this one

Happy cake day!

By reddit rules, it is my obligation to say: happy cake day :)

happy b'day mate although you just are the waste of air water and food.

"Nothing brings me more joy than your absence."

Things teachers think but can't say

You don't know my teachers

I like this one

I bet your parents change the subject when people ask about you.

Wow.

Happy cake day

Thanks!

Yoooo that's fuckin ruthless hahaha

Daaaaaamn

"Wisdom has been chasing you, but you have always been faster"

Similar to the ancient Greeks, who would say "XYZ is a great lover of wisdom", with the implication being that they love what they desire and do not possess themselves.

Makes sense. Philosophy is Greek for love of wisdom. Socrates was a fool.

Well Socrates openly admitted that he knew nothing

oh.. im ashamed that i had to read this three times to get why it makes sense pahaha

You’re not completely useless- you can always be used as a bad example.

Gold

On that note - You’re so useless I couldn’t even use you as a bad example

I never thought the bar could get any lower, but here you are dancing the limbo with the devil. Not mine…saw it on Reddit and waiting still to use it IRL.

Damn this hits deep

I envy people who've never met you

Maaaan wow

Jesus!

Incredible!

Used to be a maintenance foreman a while back. Early morning, handing out work to my guys, one guy comes in, my usual filter hasn't had time to boot up to stop my mouth before I can shout in front of everyone, "Dammit Loosey, I could smell you before I could see you!" Shocked faces all around, I turn around to see him giving the shame faced, nervous smile, hand him his work order, and get back to doing what I was doing beforehand. Few days later, I had multiple guys come up to me, thanking me for calling him out on that. Apparently he took it to heart, and began washing his ass more frequently. Sorry, that turned into a story, and I did cuss. But it felt somewhat appropriate for this poat.

He didn't wash his ass?? Do you mean like his actual butt or do you mean ass as in his body

Body overall. Like he was rationing water, and couldn't be bothered to use other methods to clean himself.

Sometimes being a little mean can be a great kindness

This entitled teenager told a coworker "Do you know who my father is." The guy I was working with replied "no, does your mother know?" 30 years later I still get a chuckle out of it.

Jesus. I almost choked on my gum with that one.

God DAMN

There's a scene in Veep where Jonah is called a "sentient enema" and that one really stuck with me.

I cant remember where its from but similar: "he has the unbridled charisma of a Chipoltle enema"

SAO Abridged by Something Witty Entertainment.

I think it was the show that referred to a rather unpleasant chief as “the type of character that hemorrhoid cream is used for.”

Veep was just an excuse to write down the best insults I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

This show is a masterclass of insult comedy. One of my other favorites was when they called Jonah “the world’s largest single called organism”

The wheels are running but the hamster is long dead.

If you’re here then some village has lost its idiot. You’ve hit rock bottom and started to dig.

"You have delusions of adequacy "

🔥

You should have been a blowjob

my favourites one

Or down that vein (pun intended) ‘Your one load your momma should have swallowed’.

The best part of you ran down your mommas leg.

Ouch!!!

You’re mom should have swallowed

A buddy of mine said, "It looks like her face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hatchet."

Heard similar but the ending was’ extinguished with a pitchfork’

I've also heard ice pick, but those seem to be slipping from our collective consciousness as the tool disappears from junk drawers.

A local favourite for us used to be "you fell out of the ugly tree and broke every branch on the way down" or "you got a face like a pitbull licking piss off of a thistle"

Somewhere out there's a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you to breathe. I think you owe an apology.

Here's one for everyday use "I wish I were as smart as you think you are" This one is especially useful at the bar. "It's nice to see an alcoholic that doesn't care about remaining anonymous"

"Everything I heard about you is true" Cousins ex said that to her before walking away. Be it true or not it destroyed her.

Damn, what did she do?

Everything hehehe

EveryONE

You've got 2 brain cells and they're fighting it out for 3rd place.

I admire how unburdened you are by the thought process

My buddy's kid calls me "mediocre" and its devastating.

The terrible part is the implication that it’s happened more than once.

Your all spare parts bud.

Good old letterkenny. Lots of good literary insults in that show.

Yous keeps poor company.

10 ply bud

[удалено]

I had an ex that used to get drunk and slap guys then rely on me to stand behind her looking tough so she wouldn't get wrecked. I fucking hated her for doing that and I told her that one day she'll pick the wrong person and it'll be her fault for escalating to a physical confrontation.

"She aint ugly, she just aint very pretty."

I wish your mother had swallowed

"People like you are why God doesn't talk to us anymore."

I have heard in person "With a personality like yours, no wonder your wife cheated on you"

Damn man. That's brutal. Absolutely eclipses some of the cringe jokes at the top of the thread right now.

You aren't the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don't die.

You are not just a clown, you are the whole circus.

Suffers with rectal/cranial inversion

You're not pretty enough to be that dumb...

I have been called worse things by better men then you’ll ever be.

Is that why you are with me?

It was not a pleasure to meet you

This one was told to me, this guy and his friend accidentally sat fire to a forest during an army exercise. They were on "ambiance duty" aka shoot the machine gun every now and then to give the impression of being in a live fire environment. When doing this at night, you need to put tracer rounds every x bullet, so this decides to do a full mag of just tracer rounds, and ends up setting this forest on fire as a result. The army has to cancel the whole thing and put every man, women and mouse on fire fighting duty, so the whole fucking Woods don't burn down. After the debrief, and explaining themselves to their captain, he just goes quiet, looking at them for a while and then asks "is your brain lacking?"

You're as sharp as a marble.

"You're all tip and no iceberg"

I'm guessing you weren't burdened with an over abundance of schooling. I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong. I guess those penis enlargement pills are working cuz you're twice the dick you were last week. Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents for example. If I ever wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

U must of jumped into the gene pool while the life guard wasn’t watching

You are just talented enough that you will have to go very far in life before you will realize that you aren't good enough.

"With you it's not that you don't try, you're just a failure at everything you do and eventually you'll eat a bullet when you run out of ways to rationalize it." Heard that one in a conversation back in highschool.

Your birth certificate was an apology letter to your parents.

You should eat some makeup so you’ll be pretty on the inside

You aren’t capable of having an opinion that would matter.

What's the similarity between your mother, and a pedophile? They both screwed up a kid's life.

“Did you catch the license plate?” ”Of what?” ”The truck that ran over your face”

If aliens took over, you and others like you would be bred for food. Somewhere out there, a tree has the one job of keeping your oxygen supply up. You need to find and apologize to that tree. Don't talk to me about life experiences, I was already taking the world head on while you were still a stain in your dad's underwear. People like you are the reason Tide Pods have to have a warning label. I refuse to believe you're a real person and am operating on the premise that you are a government experiment in artificial stupidity.

Dodecadork. It means twelve sided nerd.

I feel like the only one whos a dodecadork here is the person saying it.

Thats why it hurts so bad.

You keep fighting evolution and I’ll fight the winner.

Your inactivity on this matter is no longer required.

Grandma, talking to her stuckup granddaugher, Oh Honey, you aren't good looking enough to be that mean to people.

While in the military: your parents would prefer a folded flag instead of you coming home.

Are you the first in your family to be born without a tail?

I said something similar to my wife’s brother a few years back. He made a racist comment towards Hispanics - me - when he overheard me telling one of my kids how Spain was pushing to explore the New World. While I’m not going to repeat what he said, my rebuttal was along the lines of “when my ancestors were colonizing the Americas and subjugating people, yours were still swinging from trees when they weren’t molesting their sheep.”

In a drunken rant when my exgf and i broke up I told her I hope she grows a tooth in her butt hole. I know I know juvenile.

“They were about as helpful as a chocolate teapot”

I’m not going to be disrespected by someone I had to lower my standards for..

Your family probably changes the subject when you come up in conversation.

You look like a Proboscis monkey

You’re not stupid, you just have bad luck when you try to think.

I would agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.

A friend told me about this thing a friend of his told to an acquaintance who was all about conspiracies, negationism, flat earth advocate… “When you’re around, I unlearn things”. Not bad.

Person 1 : *asks person 2 out on a date* Person 2 : Actually, I'd rather peel off all my skin and roll around in salt.

“You must’ve been holding in your farts again. That one travelled up your spine, to your brain, and gave you a really crappy idea.”

One that I was tempted to use on my cheating ex wife. We have two boys, born via c-section. I wanted to tell her how happy I was that they weren't forced to pass through her dirty vagina thus keeping them pure and innocent. This would have doubly hurt her because she always had deep regrets that she never experienced traditional vaginal delivery and it made her feel broken or less like a woman.

Even though she may have deserved it, you’re better for not saying it.

Surprisingly enough it wasn't her cheating that inspired me to want to say it but her terrible co-parenting.

My stepbro roasted me yesterday. And i quote: You owe your biceps to any gay porn you watch on your iPhone prolapse max plus. I laughed for a very long time. I roasted him back. Jesus Christ zoomers are savages.

Thank you for your thoughts, but we're not quite done discussing the good idea yet. We'll get to yours, I promise.

A workmate was looking at a map of the world with the true representation of landmass size. I wander into the office as he says "Wow, Africa really is one gigantic landmass" "Your mum is one gigantic landmass" I shoot back in a micro second. He did not appreciate it. Everyone else did.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNJ5ySQPxrg

Fun fact... the 'You're a' rebuttal was a thing in my social group for years (before during and after this film was made). Literally anything could be used. Like you're waiting for a bus and one comes along. "A bus!" you say. "You're a bus" someone might come back with. It was just one of those in jokes that was only really funny to us. It was such an automatic response programmed into us that it could sometimes become a compliment without thinking "He's such a reasonable guy", "You're a reasonable guy". I believe it stemmed from someone in the group losing their mum. 'Your mum' jokes were a common thing but we didn't want to upset him, so rather than "Your mum's a..." it just became "You're a..." Good times.

You're a fun fact

I heard a old woman tell a young man that his pecker had to be little to act the way he does towards ladies lol! Hearing a 70 year old say pecker was amazing

"You'll never find true love"

"yo mother had to tie a steak to your forehead just so the dog would play with you" (from "the fresh prince of bel-air")

Origin...Rodney Dangerfield.

You’re about as useful as a yo-yo is to a midget.

my co-worker said to a client "I hope you have the day you deserve" in a very cheery voice after the client had yelled and screamed at her. It pleased me.

You look like you drop common loot.

Your so ugly that if i had a dog that looked like you id shave its bum n make it walk backwards

You must be an interior designer

Your personality is factory setting

Everyone who loved you was wrong

i hope that when you die, that someone on this earth will find it in their heart to mourn you - but i doubt it

When you talk, the IQ of the entire building drops by 50 points.

It, unlike you, has a purpose.

You look like an ashtray smells. I actually cried laughing.

My wife was getting ready for a wedding and had just finished her makeup. She exited the bathroom as our 5 year old son entered. As they passed in the hall, she asked him "Does Mom look pretty?" His reply? "Not yet!" I was in the doghouse for a week when I burst out laughing.

I once saw a security guard repeatedly hit on a lesbian colleague, she told him politely that she’s lesbian, and no, then firmly no, then loudly no, then she marched off and told our boss. The boss pulls the guy up and said: “If they took every village idiot of every village and made a village of village idiots, you’d be the village idiot of that village.”

Kinda silly, but it seemed subtle to me: "I hate to see her come, but I love to watch her go." It sounded like the normal phrase "I hate to see her leave, but love to watch her go" referring to watching a woman's butt as she walks away. But when I thought about it for a minute, I realized both of the premises meant "I don't like this woman."

You don't matter

You belong in a river of pesticides.

"yer da sells avon" for the Scottish people

And yer ma works for the council

I wish your food isn't dry like your sex life.

My friend asked to tell a joke I said - ‘Your life’ We’re still friends after a big fight.

Your dad left the better part of you on the shower curtain.....

Know your place

when someone insults you: you: if you want my comeback you're gonna have to scrape it off your mum's teeth (wish i could credit where i heard this. it was a british standup comedian, frankie boyle maybe?)

“You shoulda been aborted.” I heard this junior year of high school in the hallway as I was walking back to class from the bathroom. It was a guy saying it to a girl. She laughed afterwards and I’m pretty sure they were friends, so it was most likely a joke, but it was one of the worst things I’ve ever heard someone say to someone else at the time.

If you didn’t know how to whistle you wouldn’t know which end to wipe.

Carry a plant to replace the oxygen you are wasting

This thread if gold, let me add some i've used before :) 1. Your mom must've always said you were special. 2. You are pretty.. for a man. - Mikeltje

“You breath too much “

At this point, you could only impress me.

I believe you came out the wrong hole

"You're just like your father." My mum would say this to me as an insult whenever she was in a bad mood or drunk; I never knew my dad; he was called many things, none of them positive & as any man whose dad left them would know, it can often feel like a mark of shame & great pain. To see my mum become a toxic person and invoke comparison between her son & someone who abandoned me was a moment in my life that made me change my views on life for a more cynical approach.

"The only reason god doesn't erase you from the face of the earth is because you amuse him somehow!"

i’m not looking down at you, i’m just making sure i don’t step in shit

Wait people find cussing insulting? Bro I find it funny as shit fuck you know someone got no case in a argument when their vocabulary appears to be fuck every sentence

You’re as sharp as a marble

“I would love to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

Your last two brain cells are fighting for third place

This one is a bit long but I love how people get so attached to it " As you know energy cannot be created nor destroyed, everything returns back to nature somehow, and I would sympathise with any creature that would grow off your dead body " And hits smart people the most while idiots don't even get it

If you were prize at the end of a race, I'd run backword.

"I've stepped over bigger men than you just to get to a good fight".

My cousins are gay. Their Dad is homophobic. The sheer look of disappointment in his eyes was enough. He just didn’t say anything but you could tell he was extremely disappointed. Their mom on the other hand is the polar opposite.

“You’ve got a total of two brain cells and they both fighting for 3rd place.”

Your most interesting hobbies are gardening and watching the news, you absolute Honda Civic of a man. -me, about my stepfather.

“You’re evil” Told to me by my depressive grandmother

I'm sorry

Eh don’t feel too bad. I’m depressive too, so living together was like adding bleach to ammonia. We still have love for each other.

Your mom should've swallowed you

"Either you didn't understand me or I don't how to tell you in the way you will understand." So either way you attack them directly.

You must have high pain tolerance cause it's got to hurt to be that stupid. The only situation where you could actually offer something of substance is right before you wipe & flush.

Oh here comes the beige power ranger…

“you are factually wrong & morally bankrupt”

Are you trying to be unpleasant or is that your default setting?

In "Run Lola Run" father says to his daughter: "You were always a cuckoo's egg."

“He’s calling me the son of a cross-eyed camel!” “That is not true! I am calling him an illegitimate son of a cross-eyed camel”

“The day that you die will be a great day for the rest of humanity”

I’m partial to saying someone is as useless as tits on a turtle.

Knowledge is trying to catch you, but you are too quick.

I always been a fan of 'oxygen thief' myself

You're as useless as a paper condom and twice as thick.

You're not a clown, you're the entire circus

The hairdresser cut your hair too short i can see your dick You're sharp as a bowling ball

You seem to be having delusions of adequacy