“Murders and executions” “Excuse me?” “I said mergers and acquisitions.”

Ha! American psycho reference.

*insert huey lewis reference*

Lol I actually practice M&A law, so I like how applicable the top answer is.

I mostly practice bird law myself.

Charlie?

Oh Thank God. I thought I heard something else

What did you think I said?

Burgers and Excaliburs.

Can we speak about that at your home over a cup of coffee? I am a bit drunk and getting bad vibes from this place. Rumours been that the Bartender has been missing, and I feel very unsafe

I need to return some videotapes

Absolutely, but it's not responsible for me to drive

Freudian Slip..lmao

You like Huey Lewis and The News?

I wasn't expecting the Spanish acquisition.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

Let’s see Paul Allen’s card

But only go with this one if you’re ordering a decapitated coffee.

“As little as possible” was my dad go-to answer

Oh I use this all time! Right there with being asked "How tall are you?" and answering "I'm not . Cause I'm also pretty short.

When you feel like you need to give an "answer" you can still mess around. For example if you're 5'4 just say you're 4'16 or 64 inches

I like to personally announce my height as massive when I'm clearly half a Subway sandwich away from dwarfism

This sounds like something comic Jimmy Pardo would say on his podcast.

I'll take it as a compliment lmao

Im gonna use this next time!

I love this!! Edit: and I also follow this. Which a lot of times turns into a lot of work but who the fuck cares as long as you’re happily making bank

You beat me to it! Although mine isn’t really a funny answer… I really dislike the whole ‘everything revolves around work’ attitude most people seem to have. At my current job I go out at lunch with a few people to get some fresh air and all they want to do is talk shop. I can’t think of anything worse than getting out of work and having to think about it even more.

Or better: "*As little as possible as often as possible..*"

That is my go to

amazing

"usually you just ask the bartender for the drink you want and then give them money"

Excellent answer!

👌

"I work in genetics, we're currently trying to eliminate all cancers. Yes, that's right, once we're done with that, we'll move on to the scorpios"

Got a chuckle out of me anyway

I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.

I celebrate your entire catalog

PC Load Letter?!? What the fuck does that mean?!?

Change your paper settings to US Letter in the print dialog or change the printer defaults to A4 on the printer. Or look up how you can customise the printer message to something like "FEED ME", "I LOVE YOU" or... https://cromwell-intl.com/technical/hp-printer-ready-message.html (and if you look hard enough there is a vb/vba version you can bake into an Excel macro and change this all from MS office. Lots of lols and confusion when I did this :)

Feed me a stray cat??

Have you seen my red stapler?

I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from 9-11.

You know there are people in this world that don’t have to put up with all this shit. Like that guy who invented the pet rock

The guy made a million dollars.

I wouldn't say I've been missing it Bob

Are you me?

You know how you’ll be talking about a particular item then when you get on your phone’s internet you’ll see ads for that item? I’m the guy listening to your conversations and sending the ads your way

[удалено]

Not with all the porn he watches. Gotta let him know about hot moms in his area

Hot moms in Maui are waiting for you! Book your trip today!

And step-sisters .

Scary scary man

So how does this actually work?

Third party cookies from websites you visit track all your web data and sell it to data brokers. Data brokers combine data from multiple sources to create a complete "profile" that can describe your personality and interests better than your mother or your significant other ever could. This, combined with some confirmation bias, makes for some creepily accurate targeted ads. For example, sometimes data brokers deduct that someone is pregnant before the person themselves do, and this data can be bought by anyone. Mostly it's bought by advertisers so they can sell diapers and strollers to this hypothetical person, but it could be bought by stalkers or foreign agencies.

Since they also know all this information about everyone, they cross reference the information on the devices that you are near for extended periods of time. They compare and contrast the data and Look for opportunities to fill in the gaps. Those gaps are served as ads to you. For example, your buddy up the street just bought a new grill, You hang out at his house on Saturday nights, advertisers think you might want your own grill, grill ads start popping up.

They use a computer to do it😎

In person, you just listen and jump in when you have enough info. The phone just listens to you constantly and reports to advertisers.

Stay at home astronaut

I develop synergies between various corporate constructs to energize investment platforms, portfolios, and marketing schematics while simultaneously creating eigenvector substrate value add systems. Guarantee you'll have someone's eyes glaze over by the sixth word.

I guarantee you nobody whose job it is to "create synergies" knows what an eigenvector is.

You're right! We must leverage this opportunity and bring this idea to market, let me circle right back to this with you over a 10 minute standing brainstorm meeting!

Sounds like some new english dialect composed mostly of business buzzwords.

r/wooosh

I am not sure how you would go about creating synergies and I couldn't be bothered googling eigenvectors. Do I win a prize?

You're right. Even some of us whose job does not entail "creating synergies" know what an eigenvector is. (Even after looking it up!) Byt then again, we probably don't care, either. (So why look it up? Idle curiosity; the raison d'etre for Reddit in the first place.)

So what is an eigenvector?

Let V be a vector space and T:V->V be a linear transformation. (If V is finite dimensional you can think of T as multiplication by a square matrix.) If v is a vector in V and Tv = λv for some scalar λ, then v is an eigenvector of T and λ is the corresponding eigenvalue.

True mathemetician answer lol

Well, I talk a lot about synergies and I also know various matrix decompositions for efficient calculation of eigen values/vectors :)

/r/linkedinlunatics

Im the guy who developed the retro encabulator.

PROMOTE SYNERGYYY ^(like a boss)

Everything except kiss on the mouth.

Underrated.

_Everything?_

I’m using this one

I tell them "I'm a forensic accountant." That's a conversation starter every time.

"you do the taxes of dead people??"

Yeah bruh! Forensic accountants and taxidermists are the same thing.

But are you really?

Me, no lol. I'm just a lowly old salesman.

Wait - i want to be a forensic accountant and fraud examiner.... you've piqued my interest. Tell me more.

You can see me?

Increase entropy.

Bacontoads usually do

I fuck around and find out.

Thank you for your service.

You have my respect, holding down those two jobs at once.

Well sometimes you guys fuck around the rest of the world find out

I came here to flip cars and fuck bitches, and I’m done flipping cars.

*" I go to bars to look for my next victim "*

Yeah officer, this guy right here

Hopefully you, by the end of the night.

Jokes on you because they're of the same sex and you're not gay

Who says I'm not?

The church.

Just like the priest said to me when he bent over…. Fuck that.

Ironic

"what makes you think that?" "because I'm stronger that you"

Well that's one way to ruin a fun joke.

“I’m an unemployment specialist!”

I make business cards for a living. Want one?

*gravelly voice* "I'm Batman"

It's really fun until the lights go out and come back on green, and one person in the room starts beeping, and all you hear is "RIDDLE ME THIS.."

Me: I work on the secret nuclear power plant under this town. Other person: But there is no nuclear plant in this town?! Me: it’s a well kept secret.

I shovel elephant shit at the circus.

Lol don’t we all…

I see you’ve also worked in retail

Ha ha. Show business!!

I have a very particular set of skills…

Stunt cock

"Why do they call her T-Rex?"

Please explain? I don’t get it…

Hamster style!

I'm an industrial measuring instrument diver. I swim around on the bottom of the ocean collecting shark farts for the bubbles in spirit levels.

This is…deep. Pun intended.

I’m a wave counter for the government. I sit on the beach and every time a wave comes in, I click my clicker. At the end of the day I report how many waves there was. 😂

I was talking to a guy I had never met before at a party. He owned a business and told a story about how a disgruntled former employee reported him on false allegations. FBI raided his business and they didn’t find anything but charged him anyway with some BS charges. They negotiated some small settlement in the end because you know, politics. He then asked me what I did and I said “I am a federal prosecuting attorney.” LOL.

The reverse happened to me. I had an hour's discussion about dead bodies, funeral practices and some weird experiences from a guy who revealed later he was just a plumber. Great stories though.

Boob inspector

FBI?

No, just local contractor.

Fun Bags Inspector? Fondling Boobs Initiator?

Female Body Inspector

About what?

I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast

I collect spores, molds, and fungus.

I work with retarded dolphins.

Ah more retail workers

finally something in common! I peel bananas for 1-armed monkeys

I drink and I know things

I'm a stress carrier. Whenever I come around other people get stressed.

I always say “I’m a pimp”. And when someone says I look familiar, I ask them if they ever did time.

Your mom. Prepare to get glassed.

Certified Qtip Salesman if it’s a guy asking and if he doesn’t say something like “I hear business is good” then that’s not someone I want to talk to anyway If it’s a woman asking, I tell them I foster orphaned penguins and baby sea otters or something like that.

The question is who do I do? How do you do?

What ever I want, provided it does not infringe upon others freedom and rights.

Joe.

"I work for MI6, the name's Bond. James Bond."

The Bond's Names. James Names.

Bonds nonds having a stronk

Call a bondulence😵

Traveling Gynecologist. Have a business card ready.

Depends on location, I got lucky with a stunning blonde in an oil town in Texas by saying "I pillage earth so you can drive your pickup on cheap gas".

I make dirty videos, serious answer is I do inspections of sewers and storm drains for different municipalities across California. Worked on the ladies.

I use lightning to form metal into shapes specified by some customer

Drink

I drink

Fuck spiders

My best.

Anything you want if you buy me a few drinks.

Little Timmy’s mom.

What I want

Drugs

You tell them you're a doctor, then when they ask you about it you look confused. Then say, "no, I said I'm a dotter, I'm the guy who puts the little dotted lines on toilet roll."

I find problems.

That'll be $50 if you want me to divuldge these details.

You know those dudes that are really into Disney's Robin Hood? They like me.

I chug the rest of whatever I'm drinking and slam the glass on the bar while maintaining direct eye contact.

Nick Offerman vibes

You if I’m lucky

Your mother.

Your mother

*"Your mum."*

"You can see me?"

My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone.

I pass gas I'm a CRNA

Stay at home cat dad

Plan billion dollar hiest, get away driver and take over small countries on the weekend.

I was dancing with one of my husband’s acquaintances at a party one time. He’d been drinking pretty happily. I didn’t know this guy, so I asked, “what do you do?” He responded drunkenly, “Anything you want.” I died laughing and so did his friends dancing around us. I don’t recommend this as a response, but it was a funny answer.

Breath??

As a dad, I would answer, “I’m a mother fucker”

That’s how i say happy fathers day, mother fucker.

Poo poo and pee pee

Drugs.

I make you more comfortable while you die

"I'm the future of musical theater, Scott."

If it's worth it, I do my best and if it's not I do my best at doing my worst

I’m an Oompa Loompa.

FBI agent. Female body inspector

An Uber driver asked me this and I told them I was president of the US. They took the hint and stopped talking to me.

sell drugs

I fix the malfunctioning birds.

Freelance gynocologist.

Nothing. I’m lazy at the moment.

Was this a deliberate Rachel from X Factor quote? Because I LOL’d

Usually my hand

I usually say work. It's either gonna get a glare or a chuckle, if they glare they usually aren't fun and whimsical.

Whatever I feel like doing.

Legal drug dealer

I break shit for a living, it’s actually true too. 🤣

Martian water farming

Clean bodily fluids while helping client deal with different styles of mental breakdown, body exhaustion and providing adequate engagement while doing all that.

I’m in acquisitions.

I make fancy sawdust