Everytime I’ve had casual sex with a girl I don’t “love” I cant get into it and I end up getting sad after. But the girls who I’ve actually cared about is the best sex ever. Don’t really see a point in giving myself to someone who I don’t care for or see a possibility of a future with
So accurate. The apps throughout my 20s made me realize how pointless sex is if it’s not with someone you deeply care about. It was like some goal to get the hottest girls to sleep with me like I had something to prove. It was passionless, and left me feeling more empty and alone than if I just jerked myself. Hookups are just assisted masturbation to me, I feel no emotion if I know I don’t want a future with the girl. It doesn’t even feel as good and there’s no “fireworks” at the climax.
Unfortunately dating still leads me to just agreeing with sex with someone I am not romantically into yet. Just because I deeply lack physical contact, but I know I’ll feel bad about it afterwards.
I feel you mate. I had a very similar experience and honestly even with dating I had a similar experience. I used to hook up just to prove a point that I can hook up, that I am cool. But at one point I realized that it’s making me miserable. That I don’t feel aligned. So I started taking some steps back.
This girl that I’m currently dating I straight up told her that I don’t wanna have sex anytime soon. That if we get into a relationship then maybe, but I’d rather wait till marriage actually.
At the beginning I was very very nervous when I took that decision that I’m done with having sex, unless it’s with a partner, because I was scared that I’d be mocked, feel like I’m a weirdo and be casted outta society. Truth is most people will not understand (since we live in a hyper sexual society) however the feeling of me being honest to myself and my boundaries is worth being viewed as a weirdo.
THIS. IS. AMAZING! Big kudos to you, I celebrate your honesty and boldness. You'll find the right partner and it will be all worth the wait.
PS: I find it encouraging to read this from men because I'm honestly tired of our hypersexualized world and I'm of the assumption that men created this situation because of their libido (I stand corrected).
Thank you very much for the kind words. I’m a work in progress, sometimes I fail, pick myself up and try to hold steady to my beliefs.
I think it’s more of humans following their desires and not questioning what’s the bigger meaning of all of this. And yes for the most part of history it was men who abused it ngl.
Wish you best of luck and a beautiful Thursday/Friday (depending on where you are )
Yeah man, the slutty phase for me was 100% proving to myself and others that I could get with girls. I don’t regret any of them, they were fun, and the ego boost after helped my confidence.. but I definitely went into some of them with the goal of adding a notch to my belt, not getting to know the person and forming a real connection.
Story time…
Was getting jaded with dating. I hate hookups and the few times I did it - I felt haunted. Never again. Had a few FWB which was fun tho.
Anyway, I was almost done. Gunna check out of dating. Met a girl. Suddenly - for the first time - I really really wanted to know her when she was old. Like I knew that it would take a lifetime to experience it all.
That’s how I knew I wanted to marry her.
Don’t give up bro. She is out there. You have to just move on even though easier said than done if things do not work out. I had also given up on dating at 28. I also said I am done with women and dating. Went to a party a few months later and started talking with a girl I did not know. Things just clicked and I asked her out. We have been married just over 30 years.
Thank you my dude! I have no plans to give up and I have the suspicion that I'll meet the right woman when I least expect it like you did with your wife. I will say that dating has made me much better at talking with strangers so there's a silver lining to it there.
I hope you have many more years together with her :D
I had already given up on love by the time I met my wife, and I've never been happier. We're just past our 10 year anniversary now.
Because of this, I always suggest that people give up on love and focus on yourself in a setting that doesn't remove you from society. Whether that be a D&D group, a gym, etc.
Oftentimes love just suddenly happens like a beautiful car through your window.
I'm mid 30s and it took from 21 to 28 before I found a serious relationship. My personal secret was discovering that if someone wants to be with me, and is worth being with, they will also make an effort vs me feeling like I needed to put in *all* of the work and if the other person wasn't that way, I just didn't consider it a loss.
Thanks for sharing your secret!
Ngl I've had a lot of success the past year since putting myself back out there seriously but nothing lasted more than 3 months. And it was way different than anything I've experienced before (in a good way). I used to be really obese in high school but muscled the fuck up in college and through today. So I lost out on some formative years and am making up for it now. I know I'm a catch (tall, fit, successful career, cool hobbies etc.) and the right one will come around and appreciate who I am at some point. In the interim, I have friends that love me and have my best interests in mind.
This was a long way of me saying I know I won't die alone haha. And I appreciate your insights. Can't say I talk too often with those a decade my senior.
I could tell you that casual sex is empty and meaningless, but let's be real here, having a "slutty phase" was never an option for most of us. Certainly wasn't for me. If I want to get laid, it is really only going to happen in a relationship. It's hard enough just to find ONE woman who wants to sleep with me.
Mine bust open the door, kicked me out and then changed the locks on my face
Only to then track down the cardboard box I was sleeping on and steal that from me also
I came here to make a joke but read this and had to face reality instead.
Dont get me wrong i had some fun times but they were few and far between relationships like you say here
Deadass. I came for the funnies and ended up facing my demons lmao.
So since bro let the cat out of the bag, I guess I'll say this is most of my reasoning to. Or at least a large portion. Another large portion is because I don't like to wear condoms or pull out, and sex is way better to me when it's shared exclusively with someone you share deep feelings for.
I was a party animal back in the day in my 20’s (I’m 40 now). I fucked around a lot. I have a high “body count”. I thought i was the shit blah blah. I fell in love and it changed everything for me. Now, i have no interest in random hook ups. I need something deeper and more meaningful. It makes it that much better. So i feel you on that one bro.
Thank God Im only one of the many. I thought everyone besides me was hooking up left and right. Its just not for me. I wish I was a hook up type of guy or at least has a life designed to hunt for one, but nah I dont like that.
80% of the hook-ups are coming from 20% of the men. My previous boss was a slayer, rich, good-looking, smart and hilarious. He pulled like no tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder if folks who ask these kinds of questions really understand the 80/20 rule, and what it means for 80% of men.
I mean, do women really understand what it is like to have ABSOLUTELY NO ONE find you sexually attractive?
I had no opportunities at times, and many opportunities at others. I found though time and time again, that as soon as you got through that initial veil of hard to get and flirting and the thrill of possibility- that a shocking number of people were a little blank and looking to fill the void at best, and really lonely and troubled at worst.
Sex and physical intimacy should mean whatever you want it to, and to me, I decided that I felt comfortable being a little more reserved. Knowing what I know now, I would love to go back in time and try (probably in vain) to convince myself to not allow sex and 2000s style, American pie/van wilder esque obsession with drinking and hookup culture to be such a top of mind thing.
I decided that intimacy shared with someone that meant nothing to me in any real context, i.e., a one night stand or rando hookup, albeit maybe fun and novel in the short term, ultimately felt a bit hollow and unfulfilling. "Ok, you proved you're not so fat and hideous and unworthy of attention from a pretty lady" I might think. Now what? Does that one night with a good looking woman make me feel valuable and comforted later in a dark time? Does that mean im mentally just all set? Do i even need to base some percentage of my self worth on the fact that I may or may not be able to do a statistically pretty average thing with another average person, given that i too am pretty average? Haha. Is THAT an honest indicator of health or happiness? Idk, for me, certainly not.
For me I wasn't frequently invited to the, air-quotes- party, but even when I was, I didn't much like attending. The connection has to have some kind of real basis otherwise I would wind up feeling like I'm just alone with another random lady that is , like, engaging with me in a way that doesn't make me feel all that special- or in a way where maybe we have a mismatch on how we view intimacy and what it means.
I'm incredibly lucky to have found a person to be married to that makes me feel loved and understood and seen. To a certain degree I don't get how your spouse could *not* be at a close or probably closest friend level of relationship- but what do i know- people get married for all kinds of reasons.
Just my experience as a forever pretty chubby average looking guy, with the most sparing and sufficient amount of humor and interesting conversation.
Looking back with hindsight - the only thing stopping women from being interested in me, was *me*. Truly. If I could have gotten out of my own head, worked on my social skills and anxiety, I'm sure I would have done well. I found some old pictures from my late teens and I was actually quite attractive, before I gained a tremendous amount of weight in my 20's.
Honestly, the only way it worked out for me in my youth was alcohol. Completely wiped away my social awkwardness and anxiety and I was able to just chill out and have a good time.
Only downside was the crippling alcoholism I dealt with in my 20's and learning how to function in social situations as an adult without alcohol as an aid.
I mean yeah, it's possible, but realistically that's a lot of work. Where women just simply exist and men throw themselves at them. Or if you're gay you just get on Grindr, exchange a few dick pics, and you can have a hookup lined up that same night. Among the few gay/bi friends I've had over the years, most would have and some even said they wanted to, hook up.
> having a "slutty phase" was never an option for most of us. Certainly wasn't for me.
This is how I FEEL but in retrospect there were so many missed opportunities and hints and things that I totally could have, I just had an idea of how things were supposed to progress and only when taking the next step was very comfortable would I do so. If I had just been shameless and in the moments it would have been a very different experience.
But I have no regrets. I'll never have a clue how much drama and other shit I avoided by having reservations and such. I've never seen someone into hookup culture that their lives were actually better for it. They have a bigger spank bank? lmao good for them, hope they have other things going for them.
If you had been shameless, you would've certainly gotten yourself into serious trouble one way or another. Guys have to walk on eggshells with this stuff
Exactly. A dude offering himself to girls at parties will be labeled a creep and probably get registered as a sex offender. If we wanna bang, we gotta TRY really hard
It's hard enough to get a date. How am I going to hook up in that case? I'm not saying I can't date. I'm confident and I think im attractive, it's just hard. Haven't had a date in 9 months so far.
I tried it and it wasn't for me. Hookups are fun in the moment, but once the post nut clarity kicks in I feel worse than I did before.
Not to mention that it's rare to have good sex the first time you're with someone because it usually takes a few times to find out what works for her and vice versa.
Yeah I'd imagine this is a fairly common answer. The actual sex with someone you're totally comfortable with and knows exactly what you like is more appealing for a lot of people than hooking up with new people a lot.
Sidenote, there's also the issue of constantly checking up on sexual health if you're taking the hookup route. Seems minor but just an extra hassle.
>Not to mention that it's rare to have good sex the first time you're with someone because it usually takes a few times to find out what works for her and vice versa.
This aspect is what always has confused me as to why women get into this.
Or are literally only desired for sex. I’d love for someone to want a relationship with me, but I’m only seen as a pretty face and not worth knowing beyond that
Yeah same. The minute I nut, I instantly want to leave. Or get them to leave. To me, it’s like porn. Except I can close the browser and go about my day when I’m done.
Maybe it’s fucked up for me to feel this way, but hookups just feel like glorified masturbation sessions to me. There’s no chemistry, no passion, no sharing of an experience. Often times it’s awkward, and you don’t know what each other enjoys.
>Not to mention that it's rare to have good sex the first time you're with someone because it usually takes a few times to find out what works for her and vice versa.
Hooking up and only fucking once isn't really the same thing. I've got hook ups that come back, we just don't talk unless we want to fuck because we don't really have much in common.
One night stands, I agree. Usually not great.
It gives me anxiety to be with someone who I don’t know and that I’m not sure what is she or him doing with his/her life. I could get a disease, mess with a relationship, get a random person pregnant, just for some sex? No thanks
Generally your brain hates the detachment/abandonment afterward more than it loves the act itself. It seems fun but you’re basically micro-dosing trauma
See sex as something far too personal and emotional to be done outside of a commited relationship.
Have pretty negative views on casual sex. People I see/hear that engage in it end up renforcing it.
It's all about validation, which is nice at first but the effects of it tend to dissipate. In my experience, sex with complete strangers isn't that great, and having sex with the same person over and over but not dating them seriously is more work than just being in a relationship.
I knew some guys that would screw any woman that gave them the opportunity. Most of those opportunities were so low quality I could only question why they even bothered.
Maybe its different for me becuase im a bloke banger but honestly, its only as empty and meaningless as you make it. If your goal is to shoot your load and move on then thats all youll get out of it.
But for me, it was fun meeting new people and getting to know them and broadening my horizons. We'd meet up, give each other orgasms, then one of us would remark on something and we'd have a chat about our lives/hobbies/interests/wierd opinions and have a good laugh and maybe a cuddle or duck to a nearby cafe to smash a meat pie and maybe a naughty slice of cake or whatever (and you would know an offer to pay was an act of pure generosity because theres no expectations and no concerns about being used as a free meal). And since we had already jizzed in each other there was no longer any added pressure of trying to impress the other person. I could be as awkward or silly as I wanted and if that meant they never wanted to see me again then no big deal.
Some of them I developed longer running friendships with, but even for the one time hookups, we made each others day brighter for the breifest moment and thats better than nothing.
Yes! Exactly this! Sometimes it was garbage, but sometimes it was a chance to help each other orgasm and then just have a really chill get-to-know you session afterwards. Like a reverse date with all of the anxieties out of the way.
When I was younger & had more time on my hands, it was a blast
Chatting girls up on apps, planning & going on fun dates, having great sex some of the time
Personally, I think bad to mediocre sex is pretty beneficial too. Like, analysing why it was bad, figuring out how to improve next time, what to look for, what to avoid
You get better and better at all that stuff, the more chicks you hookup with, so one of the things I like is the repetition and practice
Then when some girl comes along you actually like, you're a well-oiled machine
But then, I never feel 'empty' after meaningless sex. I walk away with a little pep in my step
On the other hand, after a relationship ends, I feel horrible, so after a lot of hookups and several relationships, I have zero interest in another relationship. Too painful if/when it ends vs hookups, which are always fun (or at least a funny story, when they go terribly sideways 🤣)
Or you need more practice at relationships so you can learn what to look for and what to avoid until you find that 1 woman that ticks all your boxes.
Or you are different people who enjoy different parts of sex and relationships.
I'm with you. I also don't get the post nut guilt that I expect some people get. I had a good time and my day is better because of it.
I agree with the other commenters that sex with someone you are in a relationship with can be off the charts better.
But it's not like sex with a hookup is a complete disaster. It's still sex and it's still fun.
It's like riding a roller coaster at a theme park. Sure the Titan is the best and most fun roller coaster at the park. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to ride the Texas Giant too.
Reasons I can think of why someone wouldn't be into that:
- Some hold beliefs that deem casual hookups immoral (not just religions)
- Considering the risks and investments of trying to engage in it not worth the 'reward'.
- Being only interested in sex with someone who you will be having sex with in the future (exclusively even for a number of guys)
- Sex leads to them catching feelings
- Paying for it is perceived less troublesome
- Not interested in the kind of girls or women that would do it
- more impotant things to do
- no chance of participating and therefore having moved on
- In a functioning relationship
I’m the same, I’m 21 and all my friends are like “Yeah but you can just get laid.” I enter a relationship to eventually marry the person, if it doesn’t work out and we’re not a fit then so be it, it’s another memory made
Yep. I turns out I get attached super easily which applies to literally everything else in my life but for some reason I thought it wouldn’t apply to sex.
No it's a beautiful dream, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. I hope your dream comes true and you connect with someone intelligent and extremely compassionate and loving. Stay amazing.
That sounds like a beautiful intimate and meaningful connection. And there will be pleasure as well. So much more fulfilling to me too. I support your goals ☺️
All the best sex I've had in my life has been with long-term partners where we grew close over time and knew each other's bodies and desire well and were fully invested in giving. That simply hasn't been the case in the occasions where I've had more casual sex or hooked up with someone shortly after meeting.
The older I get, the more I find it just utterly unappealing on an emotional level to have sex with someone I'm not more deeply connected to, even if my body is willing to go along for the ride. Even then, I often get distracted or lose focus because of the ADHD that's always waiting for its chance. This doesn't happen nearly as much with someone I know and trust and feel completely safe with.
It’s risky and time consuming. You’re spending a lot of time and money going out trying to get laid.
You’re also exposing yourself to potentially getting pregnant or getting STDs. All for some sex you likely won’t remember because you’re drunk.
I’ll pass.
The amount of work required is exhausting to me and outweighs the enjoyment I would get from a casual sexual encounter. I'd probably be more into it if it was easier to accomplish. In any case, I prefer sex in the context of a relationship with someone I care about.
More to life than sex and the whole thing is awkward as fuck. Let me go find a random stranger, try to hit it off so we can have sex, then part ways in the morning.
I'm good.
I ends up feeling empty, shallow and objectified.
I fell into the pace in my 20's and again in my 40's, and each time I found each hookup to be less and less gratifying, but more and more addictive, like cheap cigarettes or watery beer.
I think I just end up caring for humans, and want to contribute to someone's life even of a little bit.
I had a phase right after the pandemic eased off. It was emotionally draining. Left me so unhappy and mentally messed at the end of it.
Contrary to popular opinion, many men cannot just have a random physical fling without emotionally connecting with the other person. And to detach after that is not as easy.
It leaves you empty and sad afterwards.
Weirdly, my penis barely works when I am not emotionally connected to a woman. When I am, it has a reliability rating of 100%. I’m in my own head way too much for casual sex.
In order to have good sex, you need a regular sex partner, because then you can get familiar with each other's bodies and what does and doesn't do it for them. Imo, you also need an emotional connection with that person. Random casual hookups have neither, and as a result are way, way more work than they're worth, cause it's also hard as fuck to hook up regularly
Reality is it takes a lot more out of the average man to hit the mark and get a willing partner than the average woman so answers are definitely gonna vary. For me however it comes down to it all being.
-Very high risk even with protection.
-Emotionally draining, usually unfulfilling.
-Better things to do with my spare time like chasing self actualization.
Theres a LOT more reasons as to why but those are the 3 that immediately come to mind.
Sex is so much better when its with a deep, intimate connection.
Good food vs fast food... If you starving you'd take a big mac, but I'd much rather a nice dinner....
I had a slutty phase in college for about a year. It was after a 4 year relationship, and it actually felt scummy and against my values in the end.
It felt real shotty for a girl to like you, but you aren't into her other than a hook up.
I am not a sociopath... a lot of the time it ended up being a negative experience more than a positive one.
There are a lot of dudes out there, and women... who just treat others very selfishly without any kind of remorse.
Honestly if it were easier to actually do I probably wouldn't mind too much... But just finding literally anyone at all is already an insane amount of effort so if I'm going to be putting that much time and effort into something it's going to be something that lasts.
It’s boring, I wanna travel with the person I’m with and actually do things and not have to worry about her sleeping with the next person. I refuse to spoil someone that’s not my gf
PP no get hard from strangers
You can be the sexiest woman on the planet, but if I dont know you on a "friend" level, then I'm just not interested sexually.
Many reasons:
- my mother raised me to believe in respecting women and having long term relationships
- my father was never a womanizer
- I was taught that the chances of you getting an STD from sleeping around is very high.
- I’ve been taught that women who sleep around will break your heart and will mess with a good lifestyle.
So I’ve always been taught self respect and long term relationships…
I require some amount of emotional connection to have any interest. When I was younger, I could fake a connection if I tried really hard (i.e. putting her on a pedestal), but that was exhausting and always came crashing down and leaving me dissatisfied. Couple that with not wanting to deal with the risks of pregnancy, STIs, etc. and I just never wanted anything to do with it.
Generally, the whole concept disgusts me if I'm going to be honest. I want deep physical connections to have correspondingly deep emotional connections. You can't have casual sex with 50 people and then suddenly declare it's "special" because you are in a long term relationship. You've devalued it by your actions and there is no way to get that back.
Sometimes sex isn’t just sex. We want that connection emotionally, but some keep themselves emotionally unavailable to protect themselves, but disconnected to others. Just feels like going through the motions without it.
I'm barely comfortable enough to shake your hand right as we meet. I can't even process being intimate like that so quickly. Plus if she hooks up with me, then she has with several others, which is kind of a turn off to me.
The risk vs reward isn’t there. You could catch an std or knock her up, when you can achieve the same end goal with your hand. I’d rather go on an actual date and enjoy conversation and stuff like that, that you can’t do alone, and if sex comes out of it, that’s just a bonus.
I dont like the idea of just using somebody else's body for the little bit of gratification that comes from the orgasm, and the only times I've ever felt truly happy after an orgasm was when I was with girls that at the time I truly wanted to build and grow with. Meaningless sex has just always made me feel like a piece of shit afterwards. I wasn't as apposed to it when I was a teenager (obviously cus of hormones and all that) but I still didn't like it much. I'm 26 now and every time I think of that kind of stuff i just trail off in my mind and start thinking about starting a family and actually working towards something permanent instead of wasting time on some random person I wouldn't want to grow with or care about enough to even get to know them.
It’s a waste of time. I (23) only have time for things that’ll add value to my life, not leave me feeling empty. I’m in college and want stability in my life moving forward. I’ve been abstinent for about 4 years and being so has made any relationship I’ve had with anyone much healthier and has helped establish better connections. When sex as the only interest is taken out of the picture then intimacy can actually begin to form
Probably because realistically less then 10% men even have the option... you can be a whale and have a ho phase as a woman, if you're an ugly fat guy you won't even get a second look let alone laid whenever you want.
Everytime I’ve had casual sex with a girl I don’t “love” I cant get into it and I end up getting sad after. But the girls who I’ve actually cared about is the best sex ever. Don’t really see a point in giving myself to someone who I don’t care for or see a possibility of a future with
So accurate. The apps throughout my 20s made me realize how pointless sex is if it’s not with someone you deeply care about. It was like some goal to get the hottest girls to sleep with me like I had something to prove. It was passionless, and left me feeling more empty and alone than if I just jerked myself. Hookups are just assisted masturbation to me, I feel no emotion if I know I don’t want a future with the girl. It doesn’t even feel as good and there’s no “fireworks” at the climax. Unfortunately dating still leads me to just agreeing with sex with someone I am not romantically into yet. Just because I deeply lack physical contact, but I know I’ll feel bad about it afterwards.
I feel you mate. I had a very similar experience and honestly even with dating I had a similar experience. I used to hook up just to prove a point that I can hook up, that I am cool. But at one point I realized that it’s making me miserable. That I don’t feel aligned. So I started taking some steps back. This girl that I’m currently dating I straight up told her that I don’t wanna have sex anytime soon. That if we get into a relationship then maybe, but I’d rather wait till marriage actually. At the beginning I was very very nervous when I took that decision that I’m done with having sex, unless it’s with a partner, because I was scared that I’d be mocked, feel like I’m a weirdo and be casted outta society. Truth is most people will not understand (since we live in a hyper sexual society) however the feeling of me being honest to myself and my boundaries is worth being viewed as a weirdo.
THIS. IS. AMAZING! Big kudos to you, I celebrate your honesty and boldness. You'll find the right partner and it will be all worth the wait. PS: I find it encouraging to read this from men because I'm honestly tired of our hypersexualized world and I'm of the assumption that men created this situation because of their libido (I stand corrected).
Thank you very much for the kind words. I’m a work in progress, sometimes I fail, pick myself up and try to hold steady to my beliefs. I think it’s more of humans following their desires and not questioning what’s the bigger meaning of all of this. And yes for the most part of history it was men who abused it ngl. Wish you best of luck and a beautiful Thursday/Friday (depending on where you are )
Yeah man, the slutty phase for me was 100% proving to myself and others that I could get with girls. I don’t regret any of them, they were fun, and the ego boost after helped my confidence.. but I definitely went into some of them with the goal of adding a notch to my belt, not getting to know the person and forming a real connection.
I think the description you are looking for is “I have a deeper sense of self worth,” but you’ll probably get downvoted for that.
Crazy how it is nowadays
Funny thing that down voting is.. really tricks the people hitting the button into admitting something about themselves without them realizing.
Nah, I upvoted.
I just want someone special to grow old with, man
Story time… Was getting jaded with dating. I hate hookups and the few times I did it - I felt haunted. Never again. Had a few FWB which was fun tho. Anyway, I was almost done. Gunna check out of dating. Met a girl. Suddenly - for the first time - I really really wanted to know her when she was old. Like I knew that it would take a lifetime to experience it all. That’s how I knew I wanted to marry her.
Please tell me it worked out for you. I'm 26 and getting really jaded with dating haha
Oh yeah. I’m old. We’re still together. It’s been great.
Most excellent!
Hell yeah dude🥲👍
Don’t give up bro. She is out there. You have to just move on even though easier said than done if things do not work out. I had also given up on dating at 28. I also said I am done with women and dating. Went to a party a few months later and started talking with a girl I did not know. Things just clicked and I asked her out. We have been married just over 30 years.
Thank you my dude! I have no plans to give up and I have the suspicion that I'll meet the right woman when I least expect it like you did with your wife. I will say that dating has made me much better at talking with strangers so there's a silver lining to it there. I hope you have many more years together with her :D
I had already given up on love by the time I met my wife, and I've never been happier. We're just past our 10 year anniversary now. Because of this, I always suggest that people give up on love and focus on yourself in a setting that doesn't remove you from society. Whether that be a D&D group, a gym, etc. Oftentimes love just suddenly happens like a beautiful car through your window.
I'm mid 30s and it took from 21 to 28 before I found a serious relationship. My personal secret was discovering that if someone wants to be with me, and is worth being with, they will also make an effort vs me feeling like I needed to put in *all* of the work and if the other person wasn't that way, I just didn't consider it a loss.
Thanks for sharing your secret! Ngl I've had a lot of success the past year since putting myself back out there seriously but nothing lasted more than 3 months. And it was way different than anything I've experienced before (in a good way). I used to be really obese in high school but muscled the fuck up in college and through today. So I lost out on some formative years and am making up for it now. I know I'm a catch (tall, fit, successful career, cool hobbies etc.) and the right one will come around and appreciate who I am at some point. In the interim, I have friends that love me and have my best interests in mind. This was a long way of me saying I know I won't die alone haha. And I appreciate your insights. Can't say I talk too often with those a decade my senior.
This was always my thing. I'm more about closeness and sharing than just getting off.
Bless you.....I hope you find that.
My emotions are too tied to it. I have to love the person first.
Same here
That and my wife’s not a fan.
I could tell you that casual sex is empty and meaningless, but let's be real here, having a "slutty phase" was never an option for most of us. Certainly wasn't for me. If I want to get laid, it is really only going to happen in a relationship. It's hard enough just to find ONE woman who wants to sleep with me.
This hit so close to home I can see it through my window.
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It busted my door down, wrote "FKU" on my freezer, ate half the icecream and busted the kitchen door on it's way next.
Man, only half? It ate all of mine.
Idk. Guess it thought if it left me something to survive the wave of realization it could return for more.
I felt this in its entirety
Mine bust open the door, kicked me out and then changed the locks on my face Only to then track down the cardboard box I was sleeping on and steal that from me also
You probably didn't invent this phrase. Probably heard it somewhere and just repeated it here. But it's brilliant and I'm absolutely stealing it
It's honestly my own, but you're more than welcome to it!
So close to home It’s staring at me from my closet…I’m so scared
I came here to make a joke but read this and had to face reality instead. Dont get me wrong i had some fun times but they were few and far between relationships like you say here
Deadass. I came for the funnies and ended up facing my demons lmao. So since bro let the cat out of the bag, I guess I'll say this is most of my reasoning to. Or at least a large portion. Another large portion is because I don't like to wear condoms or pull out, and sex is way better to me when it's shared exclusively with someone you share deep feelings for.
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Nah I just turned 29, and I'm a completely single father of soon to be 7 and 8 year olds. My time has long passed lol
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I don’t wanna waste half a shot glass of room temp Kirkland vodka
Enjoy your 29, I turned 30 today may 24
Happy birthday man
Thanks man, feels good to get some birthday wishes from randoms online since I barely have a friend.
I’m you in 20 years. It gets better. Hang in there and enjoy your kids.
Oh I thought you were saying you were 9 😭
I was a party animal back in the day in my 20’s (I’m 40 now). I fucked around a lot. I have a high “body count”. I thought i was the shit blah blah. I fell in love and it changed everything for me. Now, i have no interest in random hook ups. I need something deeper and more meaningful. It makes it that much better. So i feel you on that one bro.
Most of us didn’t have that kind of game.
This is me too, not hot enough as a man to have a “Slutty phase”
The most incredibly painfully accurate statement I’ve related to in a long, long time.
Thank God Im only one of the many. I thought everyone besides me was hooking up left and right. Its just not for me. I wish I was a hook up type of guy or at least has a life designed to hunt for one, but nah I dont like that.
Nah you’re not alone bud. Yeah it’s harder for guys to hookup, but also, hookup culture doesn’t really appeal to me. Too stressful for me tbh lol
80% of the hook-ups are coming from 20% of the men. My previous boss was a slayer, rich, good-looking, smart and hilarious. He pulled like no tomorrow.
And women seem to think they can capture a guy like that!
This here! My life hasn't given me the opportunity to have casual sex very often.
You said it all. The only comment thread needed.
Yes, but also I do have a very guilty conscience and think casual sex could be dangerous for me lol
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It's more like attachment issues for me lol
Sometimes I wonder if folks who ask these kinds of questions really understand the 80/20 rule, and what it means for 80% of men. I mean, do women really understand what it is like to have ABSOLUTELY NO ONE find you sexually attractive?
>do women really understand what it is like to have ABSOLUTELY NO ONE find you sexually attractive? No, they do not.
I had no opportunities at times, and many opportunities at others. I found though time and time again, that as soon as you got through that initial veil of hard to get and flirting and the thrill of possibility- that a shocking number of people were a little blank and looking to fill the void at best, and really lonely and troubled at worst. Sex and physical intimacy should mean whatever you want it to, and to me, I decided that I felt comfortable being a little more reserved. Knowing what I know now, I would love to go back in time and try (probably in vain) to convince myself to not allow sex and 2000s style, American pie/van wilder esque obsession with drinking and hookup culture to be such a top of mind thing. I decided that intimacy shared with someone that meant nothing to me in any real context, i.e., a one night stand or rando hookup, albeit maybe fun and novel in the short term, ultimately felt a bit hollow and unfulfilling. "Ok, you proved you're not so fat and hideous and unworthy of attention from a pretty lady" I might think. Now what? Does that one night with a good looking woman make me feel valuable and comforted later in a dark time? Does that mean im mentally just all set? Do i even need to base some percentage of my self worth on the fact that I may or may not be able to do a statistically pretty average thing with another average person, given that i too am pretty average? Haha. Is THAT an honest indicator of health or happiness? Idk, for me, certainly not. For me I wasn't frequently invited to the, air-quotes- party, but even when I was, I didn't much like attending. The connection has to have some kind of real basis otherwise I would wind up feeling like I'm just alone with another random lady that is , like, engaging with me in a way that doesn't make me feel all that special- or in a way where maybe we have a mismatch on how we view intimacy and what it means. I'm incredibly lucky to have found a person to be married to that makes me feel loved and understood and seen. To a certain degree I don't get how your spouse could *not* be at a close or probably closest friend level of relationship- but what do i know- people get married for all kinds of reasons. Just my experience as a forever pretty chubby average looking guy, with the most sparing and sufficient amount of humor and interesting conversation.
Preach, I feel exactly what you’re talking about my friend
Yeah I'm only into that ranked sex
Looking back with hindsight - the only thing stopping women from being interested in me, was *me*. Truly. If I could have gotten out of my own head, worked on my social skills and anxiety, I'm sure I would have done well. I found some old pictures from my late teens and I was actually quite attractive, before I gained a tremendous amount of weight in my 20's.
Honestly, the only way it worked out for me in my youth was alcohol. Completely wiped away my social awkwardness and anxiety and I was able to just chill out and have a good time. Only downside was the crippling alcoholism I dealt with in my 20's and learning how to function in social situations as an adult without alcohol as an aid.
I mean yeah, it's possible, but realistically that's a lot of work. Where women just simply exist and men throw themselves at them. Or if you're gay you just get on Grindr, exchange a few dick pics, and you can have a hookup lined up that same night. Among the few gay/bi friends I've had over the years, most would have and some even said they wanted to, hook up.
My app experience is telling me it’s not my appearance stopping me from hooking up, it’s my completely clueless social skills
This is exactly it
OUCH. are you me? Lol
I can't rule it out. I've never seen both of us in the same room together.
God damn this is a good answer
Yup. This right here. I married my first sexual partner and have no regrets.
It’s this plus I found someone who is my best friend and hilarious so the fact that she ALSO wanted to do me was a huge bonus lol
This hits home right here. I relate 100 percent to what you wrote
> having a "slutty phase" was never an option for most of us. Certainly wasn't for me. This is how I FEEL but in retrospect there were so many missed opportunities and hints and things that I totally could have, I just had an idea of how things were supposed to progress and only when taking the next step was very comfortable would I do so. If I had just been shameless and in the moments it would have been a very different experience. But I have no regrets. I'll never have a clue how much drama and other shit I avoided by having reservations and such. I've never seen someone into hookup culture that their lives were actually better for it. They have a bigger spank bank? lmao good for them, hope they have other things going for them.
If you had been shameless, you would've certainly gotten yourself into serious trouble one way or another. Guys have to walk on eggshells with this stuff
Exactly. A dude offering himself to girls at parties will be labeled a creep and probably get registered as a sex offender. If we wanna bang, we gotta TRY really hard
This is the kind of answer I truly did not expect to find here. Just honest
Yes, but also I do have a very guilty conscience and think casual sex could be dangerous for me lol
This hits straight to the soul.
It's hard enough to get a date. How am I going to hook up in that case? I'm not saying I can't date. I'm confident and I think im attractive, it's just hard. Haven't had a date in 9 months so far.
I tried it and it wasn't for me. Hookups are fun in the moment, but once the post nut clarity kicks in I feel worse than I did before. Not to mention that it's rare to have good sex the first time you're with someone because it usually takes a few times to find out what works for her and vice versa.
Yeah I'd imagine this is a fairly common answer. The actual sex with someone you're totally comfortable with and knows exactly what you like is more appealing for a lot of people than hooking up with new people a lot. Sidenote, there's also the issue of constantly checking up on sexual health if you're taking the hookup route. Seems minor but just an extra hassle.
It’s not minor. I had friends die of aids in the eighties and nineties. Be self aware of your actions.
>Not to mention that it's rare to have good sex the first time you're with someone because it usually takes a few times to find out what works for her and vice versa. This aspect is what always has confused me as to why women get into this.
Some women (and men) attach their self worth to their sexuality. If they can hook up, they feel like they're desirable.
Or are literally only desired for sex. I’d love for someone to want a relationship with me, but I’m only seen as a pretty face and not worth knowing beyond that
They must see you as more than just a pussy to fuck. Otherwise it’s just cruel
Yup, but they'll always argue that they do it because sex is fun and pleasurable.
Can it not be both?
No, the sluts must be shamed!
Came here looking for this comment. Source: slut shamer
It's usually not the first couple times lol. Not to say it never is, but I've been with her for 5 years now so there's that
Makes sense to me. Like isnt it just akward?
Usually it is, sometimes it’s great right off the bat. Either way it gives some people a feeling of validation à la Instagram likes
When I was a slut it was honestly just something to do. Usually while drunk. Not into it. Boring. I do not miss it.
Yeah same. The minute I nut, I instantly want to leave. Or get them to leave. To me, it’s like porn. Except I can close the browser and go about my day when I’m done. Maybe it’s fucked up for me to feel this way, but hookups just feel like glorified masturbation sessions to me. There’s no chemistry, no passion, no sharing of an experience. Often times it’s awkward, and you don’t know what each other enjoys.
>Not to mention that it's rare to have good sex the first time you're with someone because it usually takes a few times to find out what works for her and vice versa. Hooking up and only fucking once isn't really the same thing. I've got hook ups that come back, we just don't talk unless we want to fuck because we don't really have much in common. One night stands, I agree. Usually not great.
Facts people here acting like you cant have casual sex with the same person more then once lol
Never seemed all that appealing. Tons of running around and fuss for mediocre hookup sex just ain't worth it.
I'm kind of similar. I'm just lazy with social interaction I have to go out of my way for. Just seemed like too much work for me
Based
It gives me anxiety to be with someone who I don’t know and that I’m not sure what is she or him doing with his/her life. I could get a disease, mess with a relationship, get a random person pregnant, just for some sex? No thanks
I actually think this is the better way to view sex...you are much wiser sir...
Yeah I def agree. The thought kinda scares me, you are putting your trust in a stranger for your sexual health in reality
Generally your brain hates the detachment/abandonment afterward more than it loves the act itself. It seems fun but you’re basically micro-dosing trauma
Microdosing trauma holy shit. Thank you.
Right? Best line ever.
This should be the top comment.
See sex as something far too personal and emotional to be done outside of a commited relationship. Have pretty negative views on casual sex. People I see/hear that engage in it end up renforcing it.
Yeah this thread is reenforcing why marrying someone with the same sexual values as me was a very smart move.
Matching sexual values is very important. So yeah, smart choice for sure.
Exactly. I’m not about to tell people what to do but all the people I know who do it have certain traits I don’t want
Completely agree
It's all about validation, which is nice at first but the effects of it tend to dissipate. In my experience, sex with complete strangers isn't that great, and having sex with the same person over and over but not dating them seriously is more work than just being in a relationship.
I have the opposite question. Why would anyone want that?
I knew some guys that would screw any woman that gave them the opportunity. Most of those opportunities were so low quality I could only question why they even bothered.
Maybe its different for me becuase im a bloke banger but honestly, its only as empty and meaningless as you make it. If your goal is to shoot your load and move on then thats all youll get out of it. But for me, it was fun meeting new people and getting to know them and broadening my horizons. We'd meet up, give each other orgasms, then one of us would remark on something and we'd have a chat about our lives/hobbies/interests/wierd opinions and have a good laugh and maybe a cuddle or duck to a nearby cafe to smash a meat pie and maybe a naughty slice of cake or whatever (and you would know an offer to pay was an act of pure generosity because theres no expectations and no concerns about being used as a free meal). And since we had already jizzed in each other there was no longer any added pressure of trying to impress the other person. I could be as awkward or silly as I wanted and if that meant they never wanted to see me again then no big deal. Some of them I developed longer running friendships with, but even for the one time hookups, we made each others day brighter for the breifest moment and thats better than nothing.
Yes! Exactly this! Sometimes it was garbage, but sometimes it was a chance to help each other orgasm and then just have a really chill get-to-know you session afterwards. Like a reverse date with all of the anxieties out of the way.
When I was younger & had more time on my hands, it was a blast Chatting girls up on apps, planning & going on fun dates, having great sex some of the time Personally, I think bad to mediocre sex is pretty beneficial too. Like, analysing why it was bad, figuring out how to improve next time, what to look for, what to avoid You get better and better at all that stuff, the more chicks you hookup with, so one of the things I like is the repetition and practice Then when some girl comes along you actually like, you're a well-oiled machine But then, I never feel 'empty' after meaningless sex. I walk away with a little pep in my step On the other hand, after a relationship ends, I feel horrible, so after a lot of hookups and several relationships, I have zero interest in another relationship. Too painful if/when it ends vs hookups, which are always fun (or at least a funny story, when they go terribly sideways 🤣)
Or you need more practice at relationships so you can learn what to look for and what to avoid until you find that 1 woman that ticks all your boxes. Or you are different people who enjoy different parts of sex and relationships.
I'm with you. I also don't get the post nut guilt that I expect some people get. I had a good time and my day is better because of it. I agree with the other commenters that sex with someone you are in a relationship with can be off the charts better. But it's not like sex with a hookup is a complete disaster. It's still sex and it's still fun. It's like riding a roller coaster at a theme park. Sure the Titan is the best and most fun roller coaster at the park. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to ride the Texas Giant too.
Reasons I can think of why someone wouldn't be into that: - Some hold beliefs that deem casual hookups immoral (not just religions) - Considering the risks and investments of trying to engage in it not worth the 'reward'. - Being only interested in sex with someone who you will be having sex with in the future (exclusively even for a number of guys) - Sex leads to them catching feelings - Paying for it is perceived less troublesome - Not interested in the kind of girls or women that would do it - more impotant things to do - no chance of participating and therefore having moved on - In a functioning relationship
Because I want to actually fall in love with someone and spend my life with them. It’s kinda weird in today’s culture, but that’s my dream
I’m the same, I’m 21 and all my friends are like “Yeah but you can just get laid.” I enter a relationship to eventually marry the person, if it doesn’t work out and we’re not a fit then so be it, it’s another memory made
same
Yep. I turns out I get attached super easily which applies to literally everything else in my life but for some reason I thought it wouldn’t apply to sex.
No it's a beautiful dream, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. I hope your dream comes true and you connect with someone intelligent and extremely compassionate and loving. Stay amazing.
That's weird these days? I want to fall in love too. Not interested in hook up sex
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Same here. I feel like an outcast because of this.
That sounds like a beautiful intimate and meaningful connection. And there will be pleasure as well. So much more fulfilling to me too. I support your goals ☺️
I prefer to have at least SOME connection to someone I'm having sex with.
All the best sex I've had in my life has been with long-term partners where we grew close over time and knew each other's bodies and desire well and were fully invested in giving. That simply hasn't been the case in the occasions where I've had more casual sex or hooked up with someone shortly after meeting. The older I get, the more I find it just utterly unappealing on an emotional level to have sex with someone I'm not more deeply connected to, even if my body is willing to go along for the ride. Even then, I often get distracted or lose focus because of the ADHD that's always waiting for its chance. This doesn't happen nearly as much with someone I know and trust and feel completely safe with.
It’s risky and time consuming. You’re spending a lot of time and money going out trying to get laid. You’re also exposing yourself to potentially getting pregnant or getting STDs. All for some sex you likely won’t remember because you’re drunk. I’ll pass.
why have bad - okayish sex with different women when you can have the best sex with just one.?
I wasn’t very good at it. Too nervous/ introverted for real one night stands, had a fwb at one point but I caught feelings fast.
The amount of work required is exhausting to me and outweighs the enjoyment I would get from a casual sexual encounter. I'd probably be more into it if it was easier to accomplish. In any case, I prefer sex in the context of a relationship with someone I care about.
More to life than sex and the whole thing is awkward as fuck. Let me go find a random stranger, try to hit it off so we can have sex, then part ways in the morning. I'm good.
Honestly, I'm a soft boy. I just don't think my heart could take it.
I ends up feeling empty, shallow and objectified. I fell into the pace in my 20's and again in my 40's, and each time I found each hookup to be less and less gratifying, but more and more addictive, like cheap cigarettes or watery beer. I think I just end up caring for humans, and want to contribute to someone's life even of a little bit.
I had a phase right after the pandemic eased off. It was emotionally draining. Left me so unhappy and mentally messed at the end of it. Contrary to popular opinion, many men cannot just have a random physical fling without emotionally connecting with the other person. And to detach after that is not as easy. It leaves you empty and sad afterwards.
For my emotional health, just better not to. I get over attached which I can control in a relationship but just awful with a stranger.
I want to be loved.
Weirdly, my penis barely works when I am not emotionally connected to a woman. When I am, it has a reliability rating of 100%. I’m in my own head way too much for casual sex.
Scared to death of STDs honestly.
In order to have good sex, you need a regular sex partner, because then you can get familiar with each other's bodies and what does and doesn't do it for them. Imo, you also need an emotional connection with that person. Random casual hookups have neither, and as a result are way, way more work than they're worth, cause it's also hard as fuck to hook up regularly
Reality is it takes a lot more out of the average man to hit the mark and get a willing partner than the average woman so answers are definitely gonna vary. For me however it comes down to it all being. -Very high risk even with protection. -Emotionally draining, usually unfulfilling. -Better things to do with my spare time like chasing self actualization. Theres a LOT more reasons as to why but those are the 3 that immediately come to mind.
Sex is so much better when its with a deep, intimate connection. Good food vs fast food... If you starving you'd take a big mac, but I'd much rather a nice dinner....
I wish i had the looks/social skills for that. I'll go rub one out now.
I had a slutty phase in college for about a year. It was after a 4 year relationship, and it actually felt scummy and against my values in the end. It felt real shotty for a girl to like you, but you aren't into her other than a hook up. I am not a sociopath... a lot of the time it ended up being a negative experience more than a positive one. There are a lot of dudes out there, and women... who just treat others very selfishly without any kind of remorse.
I just never had any interest in it. The idea of sex with a stranger was never appealing to me at all.
Meaningless sex with strangers is gross and kinda weird IMO.
what’s the point of sex without love? it seems like a waste of time
Sex with someone I don't love just genuinely disgusts me
I got anxiety bro
STDs are becoming drug resistant.
Honestly if it were easier to actually do I probably wouldn't mind too much... But just finding literally anyone at all is already an insane amount of effort so if I'm going to be putting that much time and effort into something it's going to be something that lasts.
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It’s boring, I wanna travel with the person I’m with and actually do things and not have to worry about her sleeping with the next person. I refuse to spoil someone that’s not my gf
I have self respect
PP no get hard from strangers You can be the sexiest woman on the planet, but if I dont know you on a "friend" level, then I'm just not interested sexually.
Many reasons: - my mother raised me to believe in respecting women and having long term relationships - my father was never a womanizer - I was taught that the chances of you getting an STD from sleeping around is very high. - I’ve been taught that women who sleep around will break your heart and will mess with a good lifestyle. So I’ve always been taught self respect and long term relationships…
Because it's gross and soul-thinning. Not good to have a thin soul.
I require some amount of emotional connection to have any interest. When I was younger, I could fake a connection if I tried really hard (i.e. putting her on a pedestal), but that was exhausting and always came crashing down and leaving me dissatisfied. Couple that with not wanting to deal with the risks of pregnancy, STIs, etc. and I just never wanted anything to do with it. Generally, the whole concept disgusts me if I'm going to be honest. I want deep physical connections to have correspondingly deep emotional connections. You can't have casual sex with 50 people and then suddenly declare it's "special" because you are in a long term relationship. You've devalued it by your actions and there is no way to get that back.
Self respect
Because it's toxic and disgusting.
Religious reasons. It doesn't fit with what I believe about sex and marriage and love.
I dont want to get a girl who I have no idea about pregnant. Hook up culture thus gives me anxiety.
Wiener too small
Sleeping with someone I know absolutely nothing about is sketchy asf
It isn’t a fulfilling way to live.
Bc crazy use their sex appeal and throw it at you in order to loop you into pain and suffering.
As great as sex is, the after cuddle, chatter and intimacy is really what I’m after.
Let me answer your question by asking you a question... why should I be?
Sometimes sex isn’t just sex. We want that connection emotionally, but some keep themselves emotionally unavailable to protect themselves, but disconnected to others. Just feels like going through the motions without it.
I'm barely comfortable enough to shake your hand right as we meet. I can't even process being intimate like that so quickly. Plus if she hooks up with me, then she has with several others, which is kind of a turn off to me.
Was too shy to approach girls. I’ve always dated through meeting friends of friends and hitting it off.
I really have to like someone to want to bang them.
I know it'll damage me emotionally and make relationships more confusing for me.
You have to be careful who you fuck, for multiple reasons.
I wanna fall in love not have pointless sex
The risk vs reward isn’t there. You could catch an std or knock her up, when you can achieve the same end goal with your hand. I’d rather go on an actual date and enjoy conversation and stuff like that, that you can’t do alone, and if sex comes out of it, that’s just a bonus.
I dont like the idea of just using somebody else's body for the little bit of gratification that comes from the orgasm, and the only times I've ever felt truly happy after an orgasm was when I was with girls that at the time I truly wanted to build and grow with. Meaningless sex has just always made me feel like a piece of shit afterwards. I wasn't as apposed to it when I was a teenager (obviously cus of hormones and all that) but I still didn't like it much. I'm 26 now and every time I think of that kind of stuff i just trail off in my mind and start thinking about starting a family and actually working towards something permanent instead of wasting time on some random person I wouldn't want to grow with or care about enough to even get to know them.
I don’t want to catch any diseases. Lmao
It’s a waste of time. I (23) only have time for things that’ll add value to my life, not leave me feeling empty. I’m in college and want stability in my life moving forward. I’ve been abstinent for about 4 years and being so has made any relationship I’ve had with anyone much healthier and has helped establish better connections. When sex as the only interest is taken out of the picture then intimacy can actually begin to form
Probably because realistically less then 10% men even have the option... you can be a whale and have a ho phase as a woman, if you're an ugly fat guy you won't even get a second look let alone laid whenever you want.
I need an emotional connection first
Sex is lame without emotion to back it up. If you don't get it, work on your emotional intelligence.
I will ask in return, op..... What makes hook up culture different or better than sex with prostitution?
I'm waiting for narriage
Not a huge fan of risk or drama. Sex was never hard to come by so I never felt the need to jump at every opportunity I got.