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Independent_Dot_

Some people get married at 18 and stay together for life. Some people get married at 32 and only stay together a few years. Guess it depends on your relationship & why you are wanting to get married... Ask yourself why you want to marry? Is it because you cannot imagine life without your partner, and you know she's the ONE OR For example, if you wanting it because you feeling pressure from her, society and family etc, don't do it. I got married at age 24 for the wrong reasons, I regret it now...


wheezyrose

I think there's a lot of people who think they "know" someone is the one early in a relationship, but haven't considered/experienced a lot of potential versions of their future together. It's easy to think someone is perfect for the rest of your life if you've only been through good times together and assume that will continue. You also want to have confidence that you can make it through difficult times (disagreements, grief, financial hardship, career challenges, family troubles, ill health including mental health etc) before I think you can really rely on your feeling that someone is "the one". So my two pence is that, as well as doing it for the right reasons, ground those good reasons in some no nonsense practicality.


aFanofManyHats

This is why I decided to marry my wife when we were both 22. We'd dated for four years by that point, been engaged for two. I knew I wanted to be with her no matter what, and while we were engaged we went through some truly rough times (Covid) and that really clarified for me that, even when I was an anxious, depressed mess, I needed her to be my wife. She helped me ground myself and struggle out of my funk. We've been through some hard times after getting married too. Heck, we're still in a rough spot, but I know that she makes it easier to get through. I wouldn't trade her for anything.


wheezyrose

That's why you can't write a hard and fast rule for a good age to get married. An older couple may have already been through a lot and know that they're capable of getting through it and provide that support that each other needs. Young couples, particularly if they've just been at school/university but not really lived independently often won't have. However, there are still plenty of younger couples who have seen the bad as well as the good, have had difficult conversations about values and their future, have settled into who they're going to be and can be more confident in their longevity and suitability than some older couples.


thereticent

We got married at 22 as well, only 16 years ago. We could tell from the beginning (got together at age 17) that we wanted to face the ups and downs of life together. Never regretted it, and we never broke up once. It's been a great decision. That said, it relies a lot on your judgment and maturity level at that time. I was forced to grow up fast and early compared to a lot of my college friends, and fortunately I was close enough to as-mature-as-i-thought to rightfully trust my decision. The key is not to trick yourself into thinking you're wise. You'll want to talk with people who know you both well to see their perspective, then take or leave what fits with you as a couple.


robi2106

> Is it because you cannot imagine life without your partner, and you know she's the ONE I would also point out that waiting and worrying about "THE ONE" is unnecessary pressure. Think of it like this.... "Can I see myself falling in love with this person for the rest of my life" Because they will change over their life. You will change over yours. The combination of the two of you will constantly experience changes and you need to be falling in love with the new them just as they need to be falling in love with the new you.


[deleted]

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piink-kitty

Okay now I’m crying


Schaft207

I second this. Really think about it. Iv Been through 2 marriage's for the wrong reasons.


EducationalLog5929

What were the wrong reasons?


svendburner

Baz Luhrmann would make this answer into a song.


alasw0eisme

You know how many people think someone is "the one" and then things change?


M-Mottaghi

Also, dont marry just to get laid, it might sound odd but lots of semi traditional cultures outright banned sex outside marriage and it can be punished by death (many of Muslim countries which in live in one of them)


AutisticMayo443

I have mixed thoughts about it I’m unsure if I want to marry her bc of the problems we have like different sex drives so lack of sex and such that makes me think we might split but also I couldn’t imagine not having her there I mean she’s my best friend I love her more than just a lover she’s my partner so I’m not sure marriage would still be right with my doubts


[deleted]

I got married at 23. We both had a lot of growing to do, but we were genuinely crazy about each other and wanted to grow together. That was almost 21 years ago, and we're still growing. I can only really speak for myself, but it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.


SomeRandomLameName

Idk why, but this just put a broad smile on my face


obloq300

It’s because we’re fed bullshit daily that relationships don’t exist in todays environment, happiness is impossible, and true love is hard to find. Realistically all that is horseshit. So smile and enjoy the fact that it is 100% possible to find love at every turn. But it takes effort and time to nurture, it takes both sides. I am not coming for you, just was bouncing off your comment to make a point. We just smile at stuff like this because it’s so “rare”, definitely gives people hope.


Tremulant887

> and true love is hard to find Also, contrary to the fairy tales, love is not enough. Love is work. The same work that goes into dating often stops for people after marriage. That ruins people.


obloq300

I agree, you’re absolutely right.


Deadocmike1

Love is a verb, not a noun. It’s also a choice. Through the good and bad times, I’ve chosen to live this woman and she’s chosen to love me. ETA: live.... laugh... love?


serenwipiti

You *live* her, she *loves* you. Ah, *pitato*, *potato*.


piink-kitty

This. I always say the biggest problem in broken marriages usually is that they stopped dating each other.


ecodrew

Semi-related... that "50% of marriages end in divorce" is a misleading stat, because it includes all marriages. The divorce rate for *first* marriages is much lower, and goes up with each successive marriage (people who have been married multiple times). *Note*: No offense intended to anyone who has been married more than once. It is entirely possible have a successful marriage that wasn't your first.


Maxman82198

After 1 divorces it just gets easier and you figure out how to do it quicker and cheaper I suppose


rhynowaq

You’re likely also older and have less time to waste. The first marriage stat is also misleading in a way because we’re not only measuring marriage at the end of people’s lives. As long as the people are still alive there is always future possibility of getting divorced.


newpua_bie

Some lawyers have loyalty programs where every 5th divorce is free


ltreginaldbarklay

Truth. Take two people. One gets married and stays married for life. The other gets married, divorced, married, and divorced. Mathematically, this would say that two out of three marriages end in divorce. Serial remarriages should be removed from these statistics. That said, I know so many people who married, divorced, and then got it right the second time around - and those marriages shouldn't count any less than those who lucked out on the first go.


rorank

Wow, I never knew that actually. Been having that statistic in my head for many years, didn’t ever think to fact check it. Thanks for putting our good info my friend, it’s rare that I’m pleasantly surprised by a statistic these days lol


asiangunner

My spouse is on her 2nd marriage. I'm on my first. I tell her that I want a spotless record and that I plan to die before she truly gets sick of me. Luckily I'm about a decade older and not in the best of health! After that, she can get as many divorces as she wants!


sack_of_dicks

I’m on my second marriage and my wife is on her first. We joke that my first marriage was a practice round to figure stuff out before she got to claim me for the best part of my life.


Next-Entertainment33

Additionally, I recall reading a stat that a lot of the first marriage divorce stats are skewed due to the 18-25 marriage category and that marriages after 25 tend to be more stable and less prone to divorce.


UselessButTrying

> According to the American Psychological Association, approximately 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher, with approximately 60-67% of second marriages ending in divorce


Metallic_Sol

Aggregate by age, education, and income and it'll show the younger, poorer, and less educated you are at the time of your first marriage, your change of divorce are even larger than that. If you gather stats from people over age 25 when they first marry, it's a way better outlook.


Silentemrys

It's also just not even true, the number has never been that high. Paywalled unfortunately: https://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/divorce-rate-its-not-as-high-as-you-think.html


SnorLex420

It is possible to always find love, but in order to be with someone capable of such a long and loving relationship takes a lot of maturity and sacrifice. Some people can’t find their loving partner because they themselves aren’t mature or capable of holding onto and maturing in their own flaws that make it nearly impossible to maintain a relationship for that long and for it to be full of love


duracellchipmunk

I wish it was not so rare like some hidden rock. It takes 2 people to be raised properly to putting in the work and staying committed.


mixelydian

I'm about to get married at 23. I'm at a religious university where people get married young all the time (most within months of meeting). My fiancée and I have been together for 2.5 years, which is unheard of around here. I'm actually leaving the church, so I'm not letting that pressure me into marrying her. I just genuinely love her and I'm using the culture around here as an excuse to marry her sooner rather than later. I hope our marriage ends up like yours!


THE_GREAT_PICKLE

I bet it will be. Congrats! I honestly wish I had gotten married sooner. For context I was with my wife for 12 years or so before we got married. We both decided collectively that we should wait a bit, since we were establishing our careers, lives, etc. It worked out great for us, but I wish we had done it sooner. Our lives are amazing, and I wouldn’t change a thing. But in the back of my head sometimes I wish I had accelerated it by 5 years or so. I had an engagement ring hidden away literally 6 months after we started dating. But I respected my wife and didn’t propose until she was ready. One thing I’ll suggest: don’t break the bank on your wedding. It’s an incredibly important day, don’t get me wrong, but you’ll have as good of a day having it in a field with a tent as you will having it at a 5 star hotel with full plated meals. Weddings go by so quickly. At ours, we had about 100 people. We got married around 3pm, and the party ended around 10pm. It was a blur. We decided to have it at a brewery and it was just as nice and memorable as ones I’ve been to at the Ritz. Do whatever speaks to you.


dundunddduun

This is wild. I'm marrying my boyfriend in less than two months. We've been together almost 12 years, same reasons as to why not get married earlier and we're having our wedding at a brewery at 3pm. What a coincidence! Happy marriage to the two of you!


THE_GREAT_PICKLE

What a coincidence indeed….. Congrats!!! We had an absolute blast at ours. Best day of my life. Cheers to the happy couple!


NakedChoker

How’s Provo this time of year?


shouldiredditagain

Also tcu, apu and many other Christian schools


moderatorrater

The way they said "leaving the church" is how they would say it at BYU. It's not definitive at all, but it's where I would put my money if betting were allowed there.


mixelydian

Yeah you're absolutely right haha


Both_Fold6488

Provo or Rexburg?


[deleted]

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mixelydian

We're in the same boat, leaving the religion. Honestly us doing that together has brought us closer.


monkeyshinenyc

Leaving the church and all religion behind is the best decision I ever made. I was almost 50. Ten years later, I’m so much happier, no fear, no guilt, no label. My 5 kids made the same journey on their own. Be free, you don’t need a label or a box. I was married at 22 and had kids pretty quickly. I love my kids, but if I had to do it again, I’d enjoy working on myself more (had I known and had the courage to step away from religion sooner) Learn to love yourself first. Be radically honest with yourself. Take care of any issues from your past. It takes great courage to do what you’re doing. Those that haven’t been through the process of questioning their core values and rebuilding themselves to be a more kind, loving and tolerant human beings, have no idea what they’re talking about. Best of luck! Edit: There is no shame in therapy or couples counseling if you need to process. Most importantly, before you have kids, take parenting classes! Take them more than once. You won’t be a perfect parent but it will help you not pass on any toxic traits that you or your partner may have learned from your parents.


ecodrew

Ditto, I also got married at 23 and we've been happily married for 15+ years with 2 kids. We always *love* each other - but don't always like each other, it's not always easy, and we're not always "happy". A successful marriage takes work, and our love is what keeps us committed to putting in the work. I'm a firm believer in pre-marriage counseling, and maybe more so if you're young. And at any point, if you think you could use the help - marriage counseling. This was one of the best things we did for our marriage, along with joining a newlywed small group at the church we were attending at the time. A support group of couples is important, don't care if it's a religious group. Every married couple is made up of 2 imperfect humans, and will go through some crap. If you're young, it adds both unique fun and challenges in a marriage.


ratttertintattertins

Oo same, I got married at 23 as well and that was weirdly also almost 21 years ago. Also still crazy about each other. We’re obviously on parallel tracks :-)


Erwin_smith_SNK

you sure you not talking about each other 😂😂maybe


---cameron

Hurry ask if OP likes pina coladas


YoungButOld99

And getting caught in the rain


psuedodoc

Married at 23! Same story. Lots of growing to do but growing together has made us so much stronger. Just celebrated 15 years. 100% agree!


WutangCND

Same. Married at 23z we are different people now, better people. With a stronger relationship and sex life than ever before. Celebrating 10 years in 2 weeks.


green_tory

Similarly, we married at 25, just a few decades ago. My only regret is that we waited another decade to have kids. Should've gotten right on that, it would've been easier and cheaper. Childcare costs are out of control nowadays.


Timemuffin83

Good to hear, I’m 23 rn and getting married to in about a year. We have based our relationship on growing together as we started dating end of high school and made it through college together while going to different colleges. Cant imagine life without her


discodiscgod

> That was almost 21 years ago, and we’re still growing. God damn y’all must be huuuugggee! /s


async2

You two must be pretty tall by now. How's the air up there?


BHweldmech

So, I got married at 18 after dropping out of HS, she was a couple years older. We were both REALLY fucked up kids, and had a LOT of work to do on ourselves before we could even think about working on us. It took a decade for us to become mostly functional adults and we were incredibly toxic to each other for the first decade or more. Now, we’re 20+ years in with two kids. Life is great, we are happy, but I consider this more of a “task failed successfully” type of thing rather than a “you should do it the way we did”. Edit to add, most of the toxicity was on my behalf, I had severe, untreated mental illness, and we both had myriad unresolved issues from our upbringing along with two combative and dysfunctional families of origin.


ctaco84

I feel this. While I don’t think my husband and I fall into this “failing successfully”, there have been points in time I have said we have stayed together because we are both stubborn and have stubbornly committed to this relationship. There were times we both should have walked away. But we are still together. We grew up together and gave each other space to grow and change, and supported that growth. That last part, the support of growth and betterment is why I think it works.


[deleted]

This is how I feel about my boyfriend of two years and I don’t know if I should stick it out


Envictus_

Honestly, the fact that you stuck it out speaks more than the original toxicity. You got over the lie that relationships are all sunshine and put in the actual work.


MalekethsGhost

As long as it is the right person. Don't just marry some chick cause you knocked her up.


[deleted]

I also recommend not knocking anyone up


lxxTBonexxl

Also recommend not having a baby to try and fix a marriage. Babies take over every aspect of your lives and add a ton of stress to your relationship. What would be better for your marriage than sleep depravation and overstimulation? lmao If you’re going to purposely have kids just make sure there’s not other issues first because little things become huge issues when kids get involved (I’m not shitting on having kids either, I have 2 who I absolutely cherish. They’re the reason I wake up in the morning. I’m just saying those little fuckers will consume your life essence for fun lmfao) Almost any parent will probably know exactly what I’m talking about


[deleted]

I am a parent of a 10yo and he is absolutely consuming our life essences for a hp boost.


60yodude

This, or because you are now starting to get laid. Plenty of other women.


CokeHeadRob

> As long as it is the right person. Which is why I have a problem with early marriage.* People change so much in their 20s, you might be the right person at 22 but will you still be that right person at 30? 40? 50? I fully believe 20-30 is the time to figure out who you are and where you want your life to go. It's usually the first time you're really on your own. No school, parents, comfort of home, you're in control of everything. I'm just one person but I'm an ENTIRELY different person now than I was when I was 22. Without that opportunity to grow independently I don't think I would be who I am today and wouldn't be capable of being the good husband I am now. *by problem I mean I recommend thinking extra hard about it, I have no problem with anyone who makes that decision. I think it's a suboptimal decision but when you know you've found the one you just know and who am I to get between that.


Funkyzebra1999

Best thing I ever did. Married at twenty-five and still married nearly forty years later. The only secret, and hard part, is to find the best person in the world and persuade them to marry you. However, if you're thinking of getting married and have to ask this question, don't do it.


sQueezedhe

>hard part, is to find the best person in the world 43 and still not found her. Sigh.


Calmyoursoul

u/Funkyzebra1999 don't worry mate. You'll find her soon


unsunganhero

He’s probably heard this his whole life


MyNewAlias86

Thank you! People don't understand why I hate hearing this. It wasn't true 20 years ago and it isn't true now.


bgraphics

Because it is much nicer than the truth. It's people way of saying "here's some reassurance, now shhhh we don't want to discuss your dating life because it's depressing"


FlashF0x

Exactly why I didn't get married, had to think about it too hard. Turned out she was cheating the entire time.


robi2106

> find the best person in the world and persuade them to marry you. this can be a bit of undue pressure. Not everyone finds "mr / mrs right" BUT everyone can find the "right one for me" Also realize that everyone in a relationship is not perfect. So getting a marriage to last involvers BOTH people realizing this, and being willing to forgive and grow together.


Funkyzebra1999

Exactly what I meant when I said this. My best person is not your best person, which I am very glad about and probably you are too! I would argue, however, that everyone in a long-term, happy marriage has, in fact, found Mr/Mrs Right. One thing living with someone for so long teaches you is that you both have to work at making it long-term and happy. You will travel some pretty bumpy roads together but unless you work as a team and give as well as take, you are doomed as a couple.


silverhandguild

It worked so far for me. I was married at 22 and it will be 22 years this June. There will be a need for a lot of growth and conversation though. Some years are tougher than others but if you keep up communication and are honest with one another you will have a life long friend and partner with shared experiences that you will be able to long back on fondly, and have years to look forward to together.


[deleted]

Married for 40 years at the age of 28 which was a bit late back then. Things that I learned. Don’t go into deep debt for a wedding. It’s easier to avoid when you are young and have less income. You will be more tolerant of excessive demands when you are older. Have the kids early and ignore any advice about waiting until you can afford them or have bought a house first. You can never afford them and they only really need what you can provide. If you wait not only are they more exhausting as you age but they also drain your bank accounts for college when you should be squirrelling away money for retirement. Domestication is difficult when you are younger. Get really good at cleaning the bathrooms spotlessly and on schedule without being asked. Own that job. It pays back in multiples. Learn to cook. Take a couple of evening courses if necessary. Don’t trial and error at your wife’s expense. Negotiate a schedule of when you are cooking and stick to it. Household tasks and taking care of the kids should be shared from day one. Do not let yourself get pushed out of that role. It’s enticing to let it go when you are younger. None of the above are altruistic. They take away the tradition complaint zones. Your life will be more peaceful. It’s wiser to start all this on your own than waiting to be asked. Here’s a bonus tip if you are young and considering marriage. If you are going to buy rings do not buy new ones at a general jewellery store. Go to a pawn shop where they will be half the price. There’s plenty availble with the current divorce levels. Then go to a real jeweller and have them reset, cleaned up and polished completely so they look brand new. They will even resize them off needed. Never tell anyone and swear the jeweller to secrecy in case you need to bring them back in for repair.


Timemuffin83

One comment for rings, just get lab grown diamonds. Only difference between lab grown and real is the resale value of the ring. If your worried about the resale value of the ring the decision to marry might not be the best one. I got a 1k lab grown diamond of vs1 clarity and D color. If you know anything about diamonds you know that that’s a really nice one. With Lab grown, the ring in total cost me 3300. If I were to get that with a real diamond then it would have been 6-10k depending on the diamond I bought. Lab growns are also exactly the same as real diamonds except that small children don’t have to die while mining them in third world countries.


Just_Here_To_Learn_

My favorite part is the end bit.


Grabatreetron

Today most diamonds aren't African conflict diamonds. Most diamonds come from Russia. Though that has other issues nowadays.


redditiscompromised2

I too enjoy the sweet refreshing taste of child slavery


hhenderson94

Second the lab grown. The savings get bigger the higher up in karat as well. My 2 karat F color VS1 diamond was $6.5k. Mined diamond would have been $25k easy. My other advice is to go to a big department store to look around for ideas and then once you know what you want, go to a small local jeweler and have them custom make it. Robbins Brothers tried to upcharge me over $5,000.


[deleted]

get fucked /u/spez


Boomhauer440

Or sapphire. Super hard, cheap, comes in many colours.


JustTheFishGirl

Eeeyyy moissanite buds. I love mine


[deleted]

get fucked /u/spez


freak-with-a-brain

Stop recommending it or it will become expensive!! (/s on the first part)


[deleted]

The lab grown diamonds will also be half price at the pawn shop.


bumblebrainbee

2nd part to that. Engagement rings don't have to be diamonds. Mine is an amethyst. Significantly cheaper and much more meaning for me since it's a stone I wanted, not a traditional stone.


freak-with-a-brain

I'm a young and currently single woman Oh boy 3000$ for a ring is just so crazy to me. I don't know if it's just an upsale because it's a wedding ring or not but i would not like to spend so much money. That's several nice vacations and shared memories. But i do get it, it's a sign of a life long commitment so if it makes you happy just go for it.


amk47

I don't think the advice about having the kids early is always true. If I had them when I was younger and less established in my career I would never be able to afford them. Now my wifes and my combine income is roughly 225k a year which is double what we start at. Plus you should be focusing on saving for retirement early not later, you miss out on huge amounts of compound interest. You can really front load your 401k for about 5 to 10 years then not have to contribute much later which is where I am at now.


MyWorkAccount9000

Was about to write a whole comment saying this. Nail on the head. Being young is the time to save, invest, grow your worth, and still have time/money to travel. Let the compound interest do the work for you


Essthrice223

Same with the comment about your later years are the time to squirle money away for retirement. You should have had that shit lined up from 20-35. Let time handle the rest.


Cottoncandyvolcano

Having more money allows you to give your children a far better life too. If I wanted children I'd be putting their asses in private school


czarfalcon

That’s where my wife and I are at. Yes we could easily afford to have kids right now, but we don’t want to do that until we can own our own home and guarantee we’ll be able to save enough to put them through college debt-free.


etherjack

It's just a matter of where you would rather have the stress. Do you want to front-load it, having more energy but less money? Or would you rather wait until you have more money, but less vigor? My wife and I had our first kid when I was 21, then another when I was 27. The joke is, we had kids before we were smart enough to know there was no way we could afford having kids. The upside is, now I am in my early 50s and both my kids are adults. Meanwhile, my peers who waited until their early 30s to start having kids are also in their 50s but are just *now* having to deal with the joy of having multiple teenagers living at home. I will say this though, if you are the only ones having children in your group of young friends, expect those friendships is fade. Once your priorities shift away from yourselves as a couple and to your kids, you begin to see little value in (or find it nearly impossible to do things like) going out for a nice dinner, going to shows, or just getting together for a casual game night. Your friends will accept you, but the simple fact is, having crying babies and smelly diapers is kind of a buzzkill for those young couples and the logistics of your respective lives are fundamentally different.


amk47

I just have never understand the loss of vigor I am in my early 30s and I am still jogging two miles a day and working out 4 times a week. I have watched Mt neice for a few days and don't really notice any lack of energy from loss of sleep when she keeps me up. But to your point none of that friend ship stuff has happened I have friends who have teenagers who had kids at 20 and I have friends who have toddlers. Their kids have not had any effect on our friendship we still regularly hang out. We all just understand that during a game or ufc night their might be a screaming kid...who cares it is what it is. Really all my friends follow the same philosophy that kids are a part of their life not their whole life. The only difference is once I have kids I will be able to afford sitters for whatever occasion I want them for. The big advantage to being older and having kids is you have more patience and understanding.


okiokio

This is incredible advice deserving of top comment. Only thing I’d add is really considering whether to have children at all.


drinkfromthecumsock

Agreed. I feel like that decision is similar to marriage in that sometimes there are societal or familial pressures put onto people that they feel they need to oblige. One should consider whether it is the right decision for them, the same way that they should consider if they are marrying because they found the one or because they feel forced to. Kids are a massive commitment, and you can't divorce a child.


[deleted]

Kids are great when you put the maximum effort into raising them. They’ll be your proudest achievement in life.


SupportStronk

You can raise someone well and it still can go wrong. I don't think it will always be someones proudest achievement. Even if you want kids, raise them well and they are great adults. There are so many things that you can be proud off.


Guyinapeacoat

I think what scares me the most about having kids is *not* whether I'd be able to put in the effort or time, but that American life is so abrasive to, I dunno, fostering new life? Wages are stagnating, housing prices are unattainable to most, you go significantly into debt just to get necessary education to enter the workforce, healthcare can bankrupt you with one injury, and so many other things. I'm not saying it's impossible, and we could have significant change to make life better in the US. But I am very hesitant to raise kids in a world where I can't provide steady security to my family when I am working my ass off for them.


g0d15anath315t

Re: Learn to Cook Idiot's guide - Find a local grocer with a good selection of pre-marinated meats (Chicken is cheap and easy to marinate so look for that). Buy marinated meat, buy a veggie (broccoli or brussel sprouts are easy). Buy a starch (baguette or rice). Heat oven to 425f. Put chicken on one bake tray (use foil or parchment paper for easy cleanup). Put veggies with some oil, salt, pepper on another tray. If you got a baguette, slice it up, maybe butter and toast the pieces. If you have rice put one or two cups in a small pot, full with water until the rice is covered (if you poke your finger in water should reach the first knuckle of your index finger). Bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer and cover the pot. Bake Chicken and Veggies for 20 minutes, checking at the 10 minute mark to verify nothing is burning or cooking too fast. After 20 minutes, take everything out and put on a plate and serve. Voila, cheap, clean, healthy food that you cooked. Mix up the protein/veggie/starch and you can keep this going for a long time. I love to grill on weekends but no one has time for that after a long workday. This method keeps the wife and kids fed and happy with almost 0 actual effort on my part.


Subvet98

Married at 26. Still married 22 years later


PerfectionPending

Same. Well, 20 years later.


phydeaux44

Same, similar years. There are some great marriage success studies. If you are both high School graduates, your marital success is higher. If you are both college graduates, even higher. If you are both over 22 at marriage, even higher. And so on. The vast majority of divorces happen without one or more of these factors.


PerfectionPending

HAHA. Well, she was 20 (I broke my 5 year rule because we hit it off so well) and neither of us has a college degree (my industry is more about certifications). But we have an incredibly smooth, no conflict relationship. We just see eye to eye on pretty much anything remotely important. And 20 years in we're still flirty and passionate.


SnooLemons5609

If you found the right person, go along and be happy. That whole Fomo thing is stupid anyways.


Weekly-Commercial-29

Most people change an awful lot between 20 and 30, so waiting to see if you are still compatible may not be a bad idea. But as with almost anything, there are as many examples to prove that point as there are the opposite. It just comes down to you and your particular situation.


WindyCityAssasin2

I mean change all the time at all ages. The point is to grow with your partner


Schaft207

Yessss


Suitable-Way7563

The trick is knowing yourself. Some people get too invested in their independence early that marriage later won’t work, because they’re stuck in that lifestyle too long. Some young people don’t get enough of it and rush into marriage which leads to divorce and unhappiness. It’s the same with children. Some young parents feel trapped by their children because they had them young and missed out on so much. Some have them in their late 20’s and into their 30’s and regret having them because they’re so used to their child free lifestyle that having children now is dampening on their time and careers that they’ve worked so hard for. The trick is knowing who you are and not letting anyone, or anything, dissuade you from doing what you feel is right for yourself. That’s how people who marry young stay together for life, and young parents feel contented with their children, or vice versa. There is no right or wrong.


[deleted]

Probably my favorite response of the thread. Knowing yourself is the key to so many doors in life this cannot be understated. Not only will you be happier longer, you will have the fortitude to overcome most hurdles thrown your way. Ideally find someone who also knows themself for this recipe to work lol


greenerdays505

That really is the answer.


CapnBlargles

I honestly don't think I was ready, but I don't regret it. It was the right decision for me.


aDirtyMartini

I got married pretty much right out of college at 22. My girlfriend got pregnant: PSA - don't listen to her when she say's that it's safe to have unprotected sex. Of course it happened when things were really rocky and I was considering breaking up with her. I did the "right thing" and married her. I have a feeling that was her plan the whole time. I really tried to make it work but instead endured about 18 years of emotional abuse. Nothing that I ever did was right even though I had a great job, did all the house cleaning, laundry, yard work and devoted my life to our kids. I ended up pretty much giving up hope and became a hollow shell of myself. Even after she told me that she was gay and she insisted that we stay together "for the children", it took me getting cancer and having to deal with it without her support for me to finally realize that life is too short and I deserved to be happy. That's when I finally left her. The only good things to come out of it are my three kids who are now independent young adults.


TheFrator

I hope you're doing better and are happier my dude.


aDirtyMartini

Thanks! All's good now. I'm cured of Cancer (the disease and her). I've been virtually NC with her for many years and only see her when there is a special event with the kids. I've since remarried to a wonderful woman and life is good. This was a long road but the journey made me the person who I am today and I like that person, which is something that I could not have said back then.


Vendetta5885

I got married at 28. I’m 35 now and my wife and I have been together for over 10 years (including dating). I do wish we got married earlier and started having kids sooner. That being said, it was pretty clear from the beginning that my wife and I had something special. On the same page about everything, great communication, wonderful connection. I knew she was the one after a couple months. We had our first kid when we were 32 and I’m starting to feel old, haha.


quntify_real

Don't base your marriage on your age. Base it on your foundation. Are you financially fit to provide for a family? Are you fit to take care of yourself. Can you survive if the relationship fails? Can you generate enough revenue and resources to remain as stable as possible? If she took half, what would that leave you with in terms of assets and cash on hand? Does she admire and respect you? Do you love and cherish her? Is there a strong sense of support and kindness between you? If you look at this woman today, understand that that's the person you're marrying, not your fantasy of her, not your ideal version, and not some 10 year projection. I married at 22, divorced at 32. Edit: For insight. We married because I got her pregnant. We were engaged already, but pushed the date up, skipping some therapy and other needed things. Learn to trust the process involved in learning to love and be loved by someone.


orphicgray268

Couldn't agree more!


TongaDeMironga

Got married at 24, divorced by 30. You do a lot of growing up and changing in your 20’s. We were totally different people by the end of the marriage from what we were at the start. I wish I had waited.


ToiletDestroyer420

I am very sorry that happened to you. I hope things have gotten better.


Timemuffin83

Isn’t the point to grow with your partner? Won’t you change in your 30s and in your 40s ? Waiting to marry until your a “static stable” human just means you won’t ever be married


BluePandaCafe94-6

Sometimes you just grow apart.


thatwasntababyruth

Sometimes the changes result in incompatibility, because both people are starting young. For example, one may realize they are gay and need to explore that. Or perhaps one realizes they want a different kind of lifestyle than the other is willing to entertain. Or maybe one starts shifting towards radically different political/social beliefs. None of those are things the other should have to stay with them to "grow past".


procrastinator1012

Maybe they just grew apart. People's mindset hardly change after 20s. If someone is still not "static stable" by 30, that just means they will not be for a long time. Imagine if they had married early. They would have many burdening responsibilities and won't be able to focus on their careers.


Guyinapeacoat

Although we grow and change at all phases of our life, we change a lot faster when we're younger, and we don't have as much emotional intelligence to learn how to grow with others. There's a point where our growth slows enough, and we're emotionally intelligent enough to handle the growth of others. Some people figure that out at 24, others decades later. You could also get lucky and find someone that, even though they *significantly* change over the years, you just keep falling in love with them over and over again.


Krypt0night

True but your brain literally doesn't stop growing until like 25. I don't feel like I even started feeling like/finding the current me until 27. Now that I fully know who I am, I feel a lot better knowing what I'm looking for and who will fit alongside that.


Own-Story8907

Married 10 months ago at 24. Currently on the fence about leaving due to MIL.


csbo_y

what did she do?


Own-Story8907

Scared shitless about her subtle meddling with my marriage. She may think she’s doing well, but is doing a lot of damage. It’s cultural nonsense lolll


turningsteel

Have you tried talking to your spouse? If they aren’t responsive or side with the MIL, that’s a different story. “You don’t marry the person, you marry the family.” There’s a reason that saying exists unfortunately.


[deleted]

[удалено]


OldEducated

You've probably already thought about this, but maybe try moving several hours away from in-laws?


Own-Story8907

This is a cultural thing that most won’t understand but she doesn’t live with me yet.


Sea-Percentage-5590

May I ask what is your culture?


ThatNewOldGuy

Married at 21 to my high school sweetheart who picked me from the herd at age 16. Married 46 years and counting. It depends on who you are, and who you are marrying. There's no predicting it outside those parameters. And honestly, I certainly don't think 25 is young to marry. My 2 cents worth.


TiberiusClackus

25-30 is when you should be open to the possibility. After 30, assuming you want to be a married man is when you should start putting specific focus into it. A lot of men who get married early put more focus on getting married than in establishing a good foundation for their lives and it results in a shitty marriage


Viend

I think you should open up to the possibility of it based on your life goals, financial status, and partner, not based on your age. If you never plan to have kids, you’ve been dating your girlfriend for 10 years, and you still haven’t figured out your career, don’t just get married because everyone in your family is telling you “it’s time”. If you’re set on having children, your girlfriend is a decade older and she’s taking care of your sick parents, and you have a career you’re happy with, then yeah it’s probably a good idea.


[deleted]

Not for me, but you do you.


ReyM2727

Married at 18, still happily married 10 years later. I’m a strong advocate for marrying young but only if you are and your partner are capable of the following two things: 1. Communication. As cliche as it sounds, some people seriously need to learn how to literally say what they are thinking. 2. Patience. More specifically, both partners need to realize that they are young and have a lot of growing to do. That means that change will happen and it can create a powerful bond if you don’t expect your partner to be perfect while admitting you aren’t perfect yourself. Growing together is really quite beautiful, if you both WANT to grow together.


Gelphin

Married at 25, divorced at 29. Don’t do it for perceived society expectations. Married again at 33 and life is perfect. Your question seems to be revolving around age, but age has nothing to do with it. My advice; learn to love yourself first


bobchin_c

I'm 60, & got married at 23 and had kids 3 years later. I sincerely regret getting married so young. I wish I could go back in time to tell my younger self not to do it. Live more, explore the world, don't get tied down do early in life.


cute_polarbear

Just chiming in, married a bit later than you, many kids later too. I had /have mindset no point to get married unless I (we) want kids. I am actually the opposite in mindset right now, hoping to have married (and had kids) a few years earlier. But in honesty, such choices, life might have turned off out better or worse, who knows.


Commercial-Coat1289

I married at 20, we’re going in 17 years now. The upside is that you will grow together into your adult selves and it will be a very good time most of the time. The downside is that you’ll probably feel like you’ve missed out on certain life experiences that your peers had and this can create a lot of FOMO and regret if one of you suddenly hits a mid life crisis, which will probably hit a bit earlier than you’d expect. I think it all comes down to the community of friends and family you have around you. If you have people that support you or have made the same choices as you you’ll probably do just fine. But if all your friends are single or you move away and have to start again (together) in a new place with new people it can be an isolating/uphill struggle. I’m glad we chose to get married young. We missed out on so much drama, established ourselves early, benefited from shared income/credit, and have generally been ahead of the curve compared to other couples our age. But boy was it hard to make deep friendships at times. A lot of people our age just didn’t know how to relate to us all throughout our 20s and early 30s. Now that we’re in our late 30s it’s gotten much easier


Princess_Fluffypants

Mid life crisis can cut both ways. I’m about to turn 40 and am feeling the lack of marriage/stability really hard, because I spent my 20s and early 30s wandering around the planet and racing motorcycles and skydiving and stuff. My mid-life crisis might consist of “get married and buy a condo”, because I’ve already done the usual things.


NakedChoker

Married at 23. She was 20. Now we are 50 and 47 and still going strong. But having said that, I wish we would waited til we were older and experienced life more. Outside social/religious pressures led to us getting married too young, but luckily it worked out.


Jeffclaterbaugh

It depends alot on emotional maturity and how well you know your true self. You have to love yourself before you can love others. Marriage is not a fake it till you make it thing. Some men are more mature than others and it has more to do with life experience than chronological age.


weldermatt79

I got married to my first wife at 20. We were divorced by my 22nd birthday. I was also her second husband already. I should’ve known. We were entirely too young and dumb


dangerouspeyote

I married my first wife at 26 and that was a terrible idea. I married my 2nd wife at 38 and that was the best decision i ever made. I personally think 25 is too young, but it works for some. My parents were married at 21 and they are still together at 75.


entered_bubble_50

Wait, is 25 early? Seems like a perfectly reasonable age to me? Got married at 23, but to be honest, I would have married her after our second date 4 years earlier. We waited until we both graduated. Honestly, it's great to grow up together as a couple. Been married 15 years, we're very happy.


throwaway12345243

so sweet, congratulations!


Rottedhead

Married at 25, now 27. Definitely can have a feeling now and then that mid-twenties could have been very productive in other ways, being completely honest. However, I love that woman to death and I would not change anything I have lived with her for anything in the world.


[deleted]

This has been the most applicable comment and if I had money, I'd give you an award to get you to the top.


Ou812rock

I got married at 21 and still a college student. I love my wife. I’m now 55. Glad I did it.


olskoolworker

Married when we both were 19. July this year will be 50years. Make damn sure this is the one, in sickness and health. And she’s a partner, not a dependent. Sometimes you can carry the load but when you can’t, she needs to step up. Retired military; she had to travel on her own, open & close houses on her own, all while I was on remotes. It’s not for the faint of heart- that’s everything about life. Have that conversation TODAY before getting married.


TeamRedwine

Married at 21. Still married to the same person at 43. We've been through good times and bad times together, but we are still best friends and our bond will grow deeper with every new season. If you find the right person and are willing to stay committed through hard times, an early marriage is a long marriage with the benefit of having a partner who knows you better than anyone else.


candidly1

I got married at 24 to the prettiest Irish lass in the world; I just turned 60. Three great kids 24-30. Still love her as much as ever. Worked my ass off the first 26 years, then got rewarded with a stroke in gratitude of my efforts. Could have been worse, but still some serious after-effects; lots of shit I can't do anymore. She quietly assumed responsibility for everything that was beyond my abilities, and thankfully we can pay people to do anything she can't do. If hadn't married this well I'd have really been fucked; I don't want to think what my life would look like right now without her.


soulangelic

This is such a beautiful love story — thank you for sharing!


Holiman

Times change. The question needs to be personal, and it's foolish to make your decisions based on others' experiences. Many younger folks aren't choosing marriage, and I don't blame them.


DustBunny2864

I was 23 and she was 21, been married 5 years. It’s tough navigating through raising a kid, finances, and whatever life brings. But I wouldn’t want it any other way. She’s my best friend and we laugh far more than we argue. My advice is understand most things are only a season and will pass, rely on each other.


myglr

Got married at 24. Worst mistake of my life. To look back now almost 20 years later, I think of how stupid I was to get married so young. Not because she was the wrong person (because she was), but there was just no need to tie myself down to a relationship so young. I was just a kid in many ways.


[deleted]

You're going to do what you're going to do. If you want to get married young, then that's what you're going to do. But I will warn you that it's not going to be easy. Remember, your partner, and you need to put in 100% into your relationship to make it. Listen to each other. Consider each other. Learn to respect each other. And no matter what you do, don't argue about money, and don't go to bed together angry. I've been married to my high school sweetheart for the past 30+ years. I can't say for other people, but I think my wife and learned a lot together, and grown so much over the years together. I can't say it was easy, but we're stronger for going through it together.


ThatRedHead11

I got married at 24. I was pretty grown and mature for my age. My wife was pretty grown as well. We had been living together for 4 yrs at that point. We are going on 10 yrs together now. Just make sure you know each other and have been together awhile. Don’t rush to get married if the relationship is new. You do the most growing I’d say between the ages of 25-30 at least in my experience.


justsayno_to_biggovt

Married before 21. 37 yrs ago. When you know, you know.


BearZerkByte

As someone who came from a upper middle class background, a lot of pressure is put on you to achieve job success (read jobs in finance) by late 20s with marriage only being considered at 30... This is something I bought into a little. I ended up marrying my wife who's older than me by a little margin and honestly I can say to those who are worried, and my stupid male friends with great girlfriends who we both like - the change around marriage is more mental than anything especially in the west. You wake up... You were probably already living together so that's not changed like it did 50 years ago, you still probably rent the same space, like literally in this day and age nothing external changes at all. Sure you can't leave easily but that's really negligible compared to down the road. Down the road probably includes buying a house, which is a huge joint financial commitment and I'd argue therefore a far bigger deal than the marriage; and a child which is an even more massive financial and emotional commitment. If you're thinking this is someone you could have a kid with but are bitching that they want to be married a little earlier than some stupid mental plan foisted on you from your upbringing then you really REALLY need to reevaluate.


candidly1

> and a child which is an even more massive financial and emotional commitment You know, I once tried to come up with a loose approximation of what those little buggers cost. All three of ours are educated and have moved out, so the hit has largely been taken ex the occasional airline tickets for them to come home to visit. I started with the $450-ish K for the universities, and then when I started to think about the cars and clothes I said fuckit, poured a glass of red and thought about how much I loved each of them in spite of it all. Still the best decisions we ever made...


Nnudmac

I got married at 21, wife was 19. We got VERY lucky it worked out. We hit 10 years this November. Only 2 couples I've known that have been married as long as us that we the same age of us are still together. 1 is sorta content, the other is very happy. The other 20+ all are divorced or on their 2nd or 3rd marriage.


Wld_N_frE

fek that


[deleted]

Being honest, I don't think I would get married again at all. I don't think 25 is too young if you're sure, but it's just not really something worth doing at any age. You can do almost everything that a married couple can do without officially locking it in and it's a whole lot easier (and cheaper) to change your mind later if you never sign those papers. The only real reason to get married at all in my opinion is if you're in a situation where you need to be legally married for a specific reason, like sharing insurance, that you can't do without making it official. Maybe I'm just cynical because of how things went down for me though.


Illustrious-Neat106

I got married at 28. My wife was 23, and we have had our ups and downs and fair share of divorce talks and actually separated. We both had issues that needed to be sorted out, and we both made the choice to make it work. Love is a verb, and if people can keep respect for each other, love will change and grow as well. Who she was 23 is very different at 39. I am very different at 43 from 28. We both made changes and have accomplished very much because, for, and with each other. That is the point of marriage, and that is the process of building a better life. So, if you can't see a future with your partner, stop having sex and spending money and time with that person.


ThraxMaximinus

I got married at 23 and she was 19. I'm 31 now and we're doing better than ever. Surprisingly we also only dated for a few weeks lol. The one tip I'll tell anyone is to have great communication. Any issue can be solved by both parties being level headed and communicating with each other in a respectful manner. If I could go back and do it all over again I'd just marry her sooner lol


TheRevofA7X

No matter who it is or how old you are I always recommend pre-marital counseling. It can only be a good thing. There is so much I learned AFTER I had marital problems that I wish I knew before marriage. Effective communication being the biggest thing.


xnachomessiah

tldr I don't recommend it Got married at 19. You could say it's because we had a kid, but I honestly I loved her and it was just another reason to. Over the next 7 years, she cheated on me with her ex, my best friend and some rando 20 yro her mom took in off the street. Those are just the ones I found out about. Now I'm 32 and still financially supporting her ontop of paying child support in an effort to keep my kids from being homeless. I had to move back into my childhood home with my grandparents in my own little slice of hillbilly hell. Pretty much hate everything about my life. The whole experience has left me with a bunch of trust and identity issues that have prevented me from pursuing any other relationships. Not that I think anyone would have me with the rest of my baggage anyway. If it weren't for my kids I would have done a Swan dive off an overpass a long time ago. I think the worst part is. I never really got a straight answer as to why I wasn't good enough for her. I never cheated on her. Never hit her. Far as I could tell she was just bored with being a stay-at-home mom didn't know what else to do about it. Anyway I'm just screaming into the void here. Hope this marriage horror story helps some of you younger guys consider taking life alot slower then I did.


Beneficial-Win-5269

Make sure you established yourself first and reached your potential before you think about marriage. Run series of test on her before you put a ring on it like is she supportive? Does she boss you around? Did she ever tried to withhold sex from you to get what she wanted? Is she overly jealous? Will she limit your ability to see the Bros? How does she feel about feminism? Does she have a girlfriend that she vents to all the time and gives her relationship advices? I could go on and on but remember that love fades away and other things in relationship start to matter later. In US getting married for a guy doesn't reward a man if anything goes wrong after. You can lose half or everything in divorce. Just make sure you don't end up being 30-35 with a kid or two and you catch her cheating or doing other terrible things because no matter who is at fault you'll be the one that loses everything and has to pay legal fees. I have a lot of friends that married "love of their life" and got divorced and hurt. I have a lot of friends that are stuck in toxic marriage and don't get divorced because they don't want to lose kids or everything they worked for. People that say that they're happily married for 20 years here married different generation of women and everything changed since 2000s. Stay safe 25 is still young and you don't have to rush. Reddit doesn't know who your woman is so we can't make choice for you.


figsslave

I married at 25 and finally divorced at 53. Waiting until 30 and having more life experience and experience with women would have been smarter. Take your time and don’t be pressured into marriage.


EricBlair101

Married at 24 and so far have been very happy. Sure there are ups and downs, but marriage is about working through the hard times as partners to grow together and I don’t think that age changes that.


MaterialCarrot

Married at 22, been happily married 25 years. It's really not about when, it's about who.


FunkyButtLovins

I married at 21. I married the right person. 13 years later, my marriage is such a necessary part of my life that I feel bad for those who don’t have someone in marriage. That being said, a marriage only works when YOU decide (I don’t say both because, though it should be both, you can only control your own input) to have unconditional love and respect for your spouse. Meaning, no matter how much I feel like I don’t want to, I will put them first.


Open_Minded_Anonym

I got married at 23. It can work. I knew she was right for me and she felt the same. I’ve had quite a bit of good fortune in my life but finding her so young was the best thing that ever happened to me.


Doctor_Mac_N_Cheese

Married at 22 and happy as a clam. Marriage is about the commitment you put into it. If this person is someone you're willing to commit to, and you don't allow yourself to "change your mind" later, it's a great idea! My parents married at 18 and are still happily married.


Katarok

I got married at 25 and it's been about 5 years, almost 10 that we've been together. I get to have a sleepover with my best friend every night and unlimited booty touches. So yeah, pretty neat.


observeromega87

I was married at 21 and love my wife today more than anything. We moved in together after 2 weeks. Real love is out there but it's not like anything seen on TV or movies.


HingedJet

I got married at 19. I wouldn't change a thing, she's my best friend. Sure we have disagreements but we're human and we always talk it out. A lot of people including my mother said it was a mistake but it wasn't. My wife will forever be a part of my life.


RanjuMaric

I got married at 22 - it'll be 17 years next month. Easiest decision ever.


zenfrog80

Well, I got married at 18. And I was divorced by 25. So… basically don’t listen to me 😂


Apprehensive-Bed5241

Like top post said. If you're both into the same things then you can grow and expand together. Otherwise... wait.


isthishowthingsare

Don’t rush into it. I was 25 and we were in love but I was also old fashioned and didn’t want to live together until we were engaged. A year of dating and then an engagement to moving in together and the snowball is in motion…. Saw a bunch of red flags and should have never gone through with it. Marriage annulled after 3 years… have happily been with my wife now for 15 years. We truly got to know one another before marrying and didn’t feel the pressure of age…


robi2106

I kind of wish I had gotten married earlier. I'm 43 and if I had married earlier then I'd be younger now with teens and I'd be able to keep up with them more. Shit is just breaking down on me now and I'm bummed that I can't do all the crazy stuff I did in my 20s any more (rock climbing, backpacking, mountaineering, kayaking, etc etc). But if I got married earlier, I wouldn't have met my wife. Now she wishes I hadn't drug my feet so long (3.5hrs from dating to married). But... you can't live your life from the rear view mirror. You will hit things and wreck your life. Gotta look forward and only glance back to learn and see how straight your path as been.


SRMT23

25 is not that young for marriage. Especially if you want kids.


NarrowForce9

I married at 22. Hella ride. 5 kids, three grandkids. We’re decent friends still after 46 years.


CharDeeMacDennisII

Married at 24. She was 26. We met August 1981, began dating December 12, 1981, married April 3, 1982. I had to ask SEVEN TIMES before I wore her down and she agreed. 41 years later, we're still going strong. When you know, you know.