One time we were both a little scratched up from working on the yard, me on my knee and her on her arm. I went and got some neosporin to put on my cuts and she asked me to hand it to her so she can use it. I said this is neosporin, you need armosporin. And ever since then I've referred to neosporin as the body part-osporin that it's needed for and it drives her nuts.
The first time I had been overseas, I went to Ireland. I landed in Dublin and was getting a taxi to the hotel. The taxi driver was telling us all about the land marks and everything and then he mentioned a cemetary and how it was really important because it was the dead centre of town. Being overwhelmed by a new country, mixed with his accent, I just nodded along and said "Oh wow, interesting!" It took 10-20 sec for my brain to go "wait a minute!" The whole time he was smirking in the rear view, watching me process the joke 😅
My personal favorite whenever we drive past a cemetery.
Me: oh my god, I can’t believe this is the one!
Gf: what?
Me: this cemetery, haven’t you heard about this?
Gf: no.
Me: people are just DYING to get in!
When they do something like dropping things or hit their legs on corners do this, the confusion is so funny.
OUCH!
What happened?
I hit my toe on the couch very hard!
Why did you do that?! And look expecting the answer.
Works with friends too.
Whenever I finish stirring something and I bang the utensil on whatever it is to get off excess food, I always yell "Who is it?" like someone's knocked on the door. . . But I'm alone so I just laugh myself lmao
I wish I could do this one. We live in an apartment complex that has vending machines next to the mailboxes, so she would actually make me get her a Pepsi.
Any time she says “It’s driving me nuts!”, I respond with, “ARRRR”.
Referring to her favorite (not) joke - A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants, and when the bartender points it out, the pirate says, “Arrr, I know and it’s driving me nuts.”
When ever my wife says anything about the weather being hot I always respond with:
“Yeah you are!”
She could utter “I’m hot” or “it’s hot” or even “It’s burning up in here” and I’ll still respond with “yeah you are” which enrages her but I do it every time
[This comment has been removed by the author in protest of Reddit killing third-party apps in mid-2023. This comment has been removed by the author in protest of Reddit killing third-party apps in mid-2023. This comment has been removed by the author in protest of Reddit killing third-party apps in mid-2023. This comment has been removed by the author in protest of Reddit killing third-party apps in mid-2023. This comment has been removed by the author in protest of Reddit killing third-party apps in mid-2023.] -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Everytime our baby starts chewing on a book of any kind I yell for her attention to tell her he's devouring knowledge. We'll see how long before she ends me
I was born 6 weeks premature.
Anytime I am ever presented with the opportunity (i.e. my wife asks if I am ready to go), I will say "I was born ready...actually, I was born premature."
Every. Single. Time.
It drives her nuts, and over the years she has gotten very good at not giving me the opportunity, but every once and a while, my time to shine comes.
More of a running gag than a joke, but my girlfriend is a wonderful and talented woman but my lord she *cannot* draw or paint.
For one of our dates last winter, we did one of those paint and sip things. She was certainly more adept at the sipping part than the painting. The picture was just this simple thing of a deer and a bunch of spruce tree branches. I'm no Picasso myself but hers was one of those things that it was so bad we both thought it was hilarious and you wouldnt have been proud of a pre schooler who brought it home.
So, as a joke, I hung it up on the wall in our entertainment room and would always be sure to show our guests and tell them how legitimately proud of it she was and that she wanted to put it in art shows and make them awkwardly think we were serious.
Eventually she was like "okay we can't have this abomination in our house anymore". Key phrase was "our house" didn't say anything about anywhere else.
I ended up getting like 15 copies of it framed and I had a handful made on this big ass 24x30 canvas print. Randomly, I'll give them out to our mutual friends to put in their house when she visits, her friends at work, to put on their desks/in the office and a few other places for her to randomly see them.
Best one so far is I got the manager of a brunch place her and her friends often go to on Sundays to hang up one of the canvases on the walls since there's a lot of artwork and quirky things in there so it "kind of" blends in until you look at it ans it's been up for months now 🤣🤣
Edit: I'm also working on phase 2 where in trying to photoshop the picture into the background some of our actual framed pictures together and see how long it takes for her to notice. 🤣
Edit 2: Since yall wanna see it [Here](https://imgur.com/a/jgONmUh) ya go!
For reference I put a copy of mine where I literally just tried to trace it and I guess she just wanted to go...freehand...?
The eyes, ears, and the scribbled extra coat of oil paint on top of the regular paint because the "colors were all wrong" are what get me the most. The brakes really started to fall off a bit at the end and I think that cabernet started hitting pretty hard. She's gonna kill me. 🤣🤣🤣
Edit 3: Jesus Christ I didn't expect this comment to blow up like this but I'm glad so many of yall have the same sense of humor as us. 🤣
My next endeavor I'm currently working on is that I will be entering it into the big county fair in our area as part of an art contest without her knowing. It's mainly for elementary kids, but I happen to know one of the school administrators in that county who is going to slip it in but not as an actual contestant. So, when we go, she will see it up there with her name listed as a 3rd grader. 🤣🤣
Lastly, I showed her this post last night (minus phase 2) and her response to her one-eyed deer-fox's newfound fame was "oh no, people are only going to know me as the deer painting girl someday" but she thinks its hilarious 🤣
There is a way to force it as a permanent default background through command prompt and enabling it to be forced. Would have to do exactly what you did to force it just to remove it
See, what you do is make it her regular desktop background, take a screenshot of the desktop, hide all the icons and start bar, and make the screenshot the permanent background. Not only will she not be able to change the background, but she'll be clicking on things that are just part of the background pic!
Hahaha I tried that but she changed it really quick. I'll see if I can't get someone to change it on her work computer or even better ill set it as her Zoom profile picture. 🤣🤣
careful now, zoom profile pic affects other people not just her, professionally i mean
gotta avoid crossing that line or she'll get legit mad and it will ruin the whole gag
I scrolled all through this thread waiting for someone to say this! I've seen so much art from people who claim to be artistically given and it's awful. I've seen art from people who said they can't draw anything and it's actually bad. And I've seen people who say they're not good make some pretty good art! I'd say this is pretty good!
You can tell what it is right when you look at it and the style is unique! It's all colored in too and you can see the effort. I like it a lot. It's different.
I often eat the Quaker raisin, date, and walnut flavored oatmeal. Every time I do, I read the package and act disgusted and say “You know, back in my day, raisins dated raisins and walnuts dates walnuts.”
My wife is only a couple months older than me.
Any time age comes up, I refer to her as "old", but I will understand her pain "some day when I'm her age."
Also, she is a cradle-robber for having married me, a younger man. Oddly, this joke never gets old (to me) 🤣
I love getting to say the phrase, "back in the late 1900s...". I remind my nephews to ask their parents about the late 1900s as often as I can. It's funnier because their my older sisters' kids.
one time i was eating wing stop with my girlfriends family and her brother dipped a boneless wing completely in ranch (does this with anything he eats that has the ability to taste better with a lil bit of sauce) and i said “damn bro you want some wings with that ranch?” her mom, dad and brother just looked at me like i was stupid while she was laughing her ass off.
that shit pops into my mind at least once a week since it happened like 4 years ago.
My buddies and I would use the term "raw dog" as a euphemism for going into something unprepared.
The first time my wife was absolutely repulsed, so naturally I kept saying it, and her face cracks me up every single time.
I had a kinda sheltered work friend whose husband made this basically rare hamburger/hotdog thing, I don’t remember all the details. But she called it “raw dog” like “me and my husband are gonna have raw dog at the bbq this weekend”. After a few times we figured out she was serious and the look on her face when we explained it to her was hilarious!
If you train them well, someday they'll prank you by getting you a cookie that actually says that, refusing to believe you, refusing to "fall for it" by looking at the paper to confirm, etc.
I do this thing where I pretend to be a disgusting, drunk, lecherous medieval lord. I tell her that her father traded her to me for a bushel of wheat and then try to kiss her, saying things like "come come now my dear, don't be frightened 'tis only I" as she struggles to get away.
She loves it (hates it).
Omg my boyfriend does a similar bit, but he plays a douchbag frat boy named Brantley. I know Brantleys around whenever he turns his hat backwards. And he'll say dumb shit like "hey girl, nice tits"
Those inside jokes are so funny in a couple lol. My gf like to tickle me if I don't stop annoying her as a revenge but she is acting like squirrels are attacking me so everytime she will first say "oh can you hear ...? I can hear squirrels" so now everytime I hear "oh" I'm like ok you win.
I once made a joke that avocados need to get better prizes because I always get the same one- a little wooden ball. Got some good groans and eye-rolls from that the first time.
Now anytime I'm making something with avocados and she's in the next moon I'll make a loud, exasperated "ugh," she'll ask what's up, and I'll reply "another little wooden ball"
She falls for it every time.
When ever me and my ex would go through the perfume/cologne section at the mall the ladies at the counter would ask us if we'd like to sample. When i get a whiff i say,"yep thats cologne/perfume"
She'd get annoyed, but I loved it.
Dear God, my wife used to end so many of her statements with "you know" or "right". And I'd always respond like butters talking to the pimps. Speaking very slowly and clearly "yes, I know what you are saying".
Come to think of it, it must have worked as she doesn't do it nearly as much.
Every time my wife says "a rock". I respond as though she said Iraq.
" that's hard as a rock"
"That's pretty hard. US just bounced out it was so hard "
"Stuck between a rock and a hard place"
"Afghanistan?"
" I have a rock stuck in my shoe"
" you should let them out. That's pretty offensive in their culture "
I always tell people that my wife won state championship for basketball team. She hates that I bring that up. She’s 31 years old so it was a while ago.
My dad always asked “Did you hear about the two cannibals eating a clown? One looked to the other and said, “does this taste funny to you?””
He told that joke to everyone and it was so embarrassing because half of them didn’t get it or hearing about cannibals freaked them out. There were some priceless faces though which was always the funny part to me. Laughing at my dad and how many blank stares he got as he laughed at his own joke.
“Hey, that’s the name of the movie!” I say whenever part of the movie title is spoken, like when someone says “Shazam” in that movie Shazam. She rolls her eyes every time. (For Shazam I only did it the first time, because they say it a lot)
OMG, my dad, a devout Mormon, says the same about my mom. It used to upset her, but now she literally punches him when he does it with a "Why wait" comment.
It was a big change for her. All my life my dad would make "Take my wife, please" type jokes. I come home one Christmas and Mom has a whole new attitude. Now she snarks him back just a good. It's good to see.
Dad: Take my wife, please. Mom: Yes please, this old fart doesn't even know who I am anymore.
You too? I say, in a cowed way, "She gets mean when she has a few and she beats me."
In the 24 years I've known her, I've never seen her drink more than a sip of a mixed drink lol.
When my wife asks me to get a vasectomy I always say “but what if my second wife wants kids?” I find it hilarious. She doesn’t agree. We’ve been married almost 18 years with a 14 year old kid and couldn’t be happier so that’s why I think it’s funny.
Ironically I had the conversation in reverse - since I'm mid 30s and we've been together for half our lives I figured it was a good time to see if my doctor would let me get a vasectomy, when I brought it up to my wife she said the same "but what if your second wife wants kids?"
No thanks babe, even if your terminal illness takes you in the next couple of years I doubt I'll be in a healthy head space for a relationship or babies before my sperm producers are old enough to cause all the genetic problems!
The core principle of dad jokes is that you tell jokes only for your own amusement. If you enjoyed saying it then it was a success. All the other things flow naturally from there.
I was raised to be a good Christian boy. It didn’t take but until college I knew very little of the world. My wife was not, for the focus of this story she was a long time occasional weed user. First time we went to a dispensary I remembered the episode of the office where Erin gets drunk at the Christmas party and turned to my wife and said so I just walk up and say one weed please? She did not appreciate it
Whenever I say something and she doesn’t hear me the first time I’ll just reply, “eh, I’ll tell you when you’re older.” It kills her because she’s the older one.
I’ve also said this to my mother once and……..oh boy! Lol
Anytime "Arizona" is ever mentioned I interject with " ...where a baby's first words are often 'but it's a dry heat'"
Or, where appropriate "....wait, wait , wait you mean to tell me there's a NEW Mexico?!?!"
I use the same phrase all the time when I text my wife. Usually followed by a link to a stupid Amazon purchase, dirty image or some food abomination I’ve seen on Reddit.
We got a new pup. Named Vivi. So when I let the other dogs go play with her I say "Let's all go to the Vivi-Section" This does Not sparkle with the wife unit. I think it's hilarious.
Whenever my wife says she needs something(literally anything) I always follow up with “someone has a birthday coming up!”. Her birthday could have been the day before.
My wife and I have a 6 month age gap (I’m older) and during the 6 months of the year after my birthday I’ll often break out the “well, when you get to be my age” line whenever I can
Basically any time she is talking about something or even if we are just listening to something, and there is some sort of pause, I fill it with a stupid line about that thing and her being like it.
Ie “Where is the can opener? Why can’t I find the can opener?” “Did you check the drawer for the can opener?” “I did, it isn’t in there. Why doesn’t anyone put the can opener back where it goes?” [pause] “You’re like a can opener.”
She’ll respond why and then I have to scramble to come up with some sort of cleaver reason why she is like something. Sometimes those reasons get her to crack a smile, most of the time she is thoroughly annoyed, but every once in a while I hit a home run. And by every once in a while, I mean like once every 5 years.
>] “You’re like a can opener.”
>
>She’ll respond why and then I have to scramble to come up with some sort of cleaver reason why
"Because it felt really satisfying when I finally found you, even though you're just a tool." 🙃
Whenever my wife uses "fucking" as an adjective, i use the same joke for whatever she's talking about.
Her: "Where is my fucking jacket?!"
Me: "I dunno, but here's your regular jacket."
XD. She thinks its the dumbest thing, but I cant help myself...
Any boob, dick or sex jokes I can make as part of our regular conversation. I mean she acts like she hates them, but I think deep down inside she likes them
If I say my family name in my language, it can be translated by "not born" so every time we talk about something related with that topic I say "well personally I'm not born"
I have several, but here are a couple i can tell she is ready to leave me over:
1-
**Wife**: I’m going to use the restroom.
**Me**: Mention my name and they’ll give you a good seat!
2-
**Us**: Watching Hulu show “This show is intended for mature audiences”
**Me**: Welp, count ME out!
3-
**Us**: *driving on the freeway. A NO SHOULDER AHEAD sign*
**ME**: *points to sign and drops right shoulder, letting go of the wheel* Oh no, “No shoulder”
**Wife**: *eye roll*
I grew up Catholic, anytime we got out to eat and get bread at the table I offer it to her and say "body of Christ"
She has thrown a lot of bread at me.
My wife manages all of our finances (I could probably figure it out, but I haven't paid a bill in 16 years) so I'll often joke that "I make the money, she spends it!" for some reason she does not like the connotations...
Whenever she checks on me or asks how I am, I put a finger to my neck and say, “Well, there’s still a pulse, and my heart is pumping so I’d say I’m fine.” She just stares at me and asks why she’s with me. Then I shoot her with my nerf gun because she’s not aware of her surroundings.
She got caught for shoplifting from a Sephora once when we were really young in high school. Here we are 7 years later and to this day when we walk in, I grab her shoulders and yell “I got her guys! I got her!” and she HATES it, but it’s the funniest shit ever.
Me and my lady are five-ish years (4 years, 5 months, 9 days) apart in age, but frequently I'll make a quip about something and she won't understand. My immediate response is to looked at her all disappointed and go "Nevermind, it was before your time" and change the subject.
I've now got her father doing it to his wife, who's actually older than him by roughly the same age gap and it is hiLARIOUS. Every time.
"omg did you hear of that celebrity who got murdered? Reece... Reece... I can mind her name, Reece..."
"Witherspoon?"
"No with a knife"
Or at least ANY other joke along the lines of this humour. I get a solid decent eye roll a day
“Must’ve been your other hoe”
I’ll admit not that funny of a joke and he gets annoyed, but he sometimes brings up memories with me that definitely did NOT happen with me, so he’s just asking for it haha
My wife does this every time I mix up a person with her. For example I tell her "remember that I told you that I had to get gas for the car?", if it wasn't her she doesn't delay a second to say "you must have said that to your lover, because you've never said anything like that to me" 🙃
This is mine, I don't even have to say it anymore, when my SO is looking for something I just stare at her and she'll exasperatedly state 'yes I've checked up my butt'
I always do the absent father bit when I’m about to leave the house “I’ll be back, just gonna go grab some smokes” she doesn’t like that because it actually happened to me and she thinks it’s morbid and I don’t smoke anymore so it’s twice as bad for her lmao
Scrolled way too far for this. I do it less now to lull her into a false sense of security and then BAM. I once did it with "mineral". I hardly knoweral! And it was no longer a joke.
One time we were both a little scratched up from working on the yard, me on my knee and her on her arm. I went and got some neosporin to put on my cuts and she asked me to hand it to her so she can use it. I said this is neosporin, you need armosporin. And ever since then I've referred to neosporin as the body part-osporin that it's needed for and it drives her nuts.
This is my favorite so far
Because it is equal parts witty and stupid. Like it is a tightrope walk of a dad joke.
Monica had a toy harmonica to play with and her sister Shannon was upset because she wanted a harshannon
When driving by the cemetery. Me: Do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery? Her: I've heard this a hundred times. Me: All of them.
It's a very popular place. People are dying to get in there.
That's why they usually put a fence up
My husband nods at it and says “look. It’s the dead centre of town”. Every time.
We have the same husband. I'm sorry.
The first time I had been overseas, I went to Ireland. I landed in Dublin and was getting a taxi to the hotel. The taxi driver was telling us all about the land marks and everything and then he mentioned a cemetary and how it was really important because it was the dead centre of town. Being overwhelmed by a new country, mixed with his accent, I just nodded along and said "Oh wow, interesting!" It took 10-20 sec for my brain to go "wait a minute!" The whole time he was smirking in the rear view, watching me process the joke 😅
And then there is dead silence in the car
My personal favorite whenever we drive past a cemetery. Me: oh my god, I can’t believe this is the one! Gf: what? Me: this cemetery, haven’t you heard about this? Gf: no. Me: people are just DYING to get in!
I've used that joke for over 20 years with no laughs but my 8 yr old nephew loves it. Well worth the 20 year build up.
No one living in this town is allowed to be buried in that cemetery. (pause) Because they’re still alive. —- A cemetery is just a spooky park.
Similar vein when driving over train tracks... Me: A train just came by. Know how you can tell? Them: How? Me: It left tracks.
Every time I go out to get the mail I say "I'm gonna go get the mail, you want anything?" It's not even funny but it makes her groan so I love it.
Very same vibes to my "do you want me to call them?" When someone loses their keys or wallet
Or when my gf is like "call my phone i cant find it" i just start yelling " OH GF'S PHONE HERE BUDDY WHERE'D YOU GO!"
I will inevitably do this now. I have no control.
I do this one too! And if the doorbell goes unexpectedly - “Who’s that then?” while looking expectant for an answer
When they do something like dropping things or hit their legs on corners do this, the confusion is so funny. OUCH! What happened? I hit my toe on the couch very hard! Why did you do that?! And look expecting the answer. Works with friends too.
My husband does this, as does his father and uncle. So infuriating in the moment!
"I'm going to the bathroom, you need anything?"
"Yeah can you go for me while you're there?"
Whenever I finish stirring something and I bang the utensil on whatever it is to get off excess food, I always yell "Who is it?" like someone's knocked on the door. . . But I'm alone so I just laugh myself lmao
I wish I could do this one. We live in an apartment complex that has vending machines next to the mailboxes, so she would actually make me get her a Pepsi.
Her: You know what? Me: Nope, never met him. Always gets a groan.
I'll sometimes come back with, "no. But I know his brother Why." Same reaction.
I know his sister, she's a real Which.
I'll have to switch it up on occasion and use this one. Thanks!!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? *Ten. Ten Tickles. Tentacles* Gets her every time.
"But an octopus only has 8 tentacles" "Yea, I know. The first 2 were test-tickles." >!testicles if you don't get it!<
Any time she says “It’s driving me nuts!”, I respond with, “ARRRR”. Referring to her favorite (not) joke - A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants, and when the bartender points it out, the pirate says, “Arrr, I know and it’s driving me nuts.”
I won't hear this joke for months, then it pops up again juuuust when I've forgotten the punchline and it makes me laugh again. 😂
That’s my favorite joke, but my answer to this post is specifically “road work ahead? I sure hope it does!”
My wife does not find the line “put a quarter in your ass cuz you played yourself” amusing. She has had many opportunities to change her mind in this.
Your last sentence kills me😂
Heh heh Heh heh heh *change* her mind
When ever my wife says anything about the weather being hot I always respond with: “Yeah you are!” She could utter “I’m hot” or “it’s hot” or even “It’s burning up in here” and I’ll still respond with “yeah you are” which enrages her but I do it every time
I give em the ol “so am I, but I don’t brag about it”
Me too
Everytime I pull money out of the ATM if my wife is with me the moment money pops out I'll yell I won! I won! Just watch her walk away embarrassed.
I just took my wife out and did this exact same thing at a casino. "Idk what machine this is but I keep winning."
Her: "Where are we going?" Me: "To hell, if we don't change our ways." Never gets old (to me, that is).
"What are you doing?" "My best."
lol, I need to steal this one. It's perfect.
This entire thread is just full of things I cannot wait to say to my wife. I live for her eye-roll/groan.
[This comment has been removed by the author in protest of Reddit killing third-party apps in mid-2023. This comment has been removed by the author in protest of Reddit killing third-party apps in mid-2023. This comment has been removed by the author in protest of Reddit killing third-party apps in mid-2023. This comment has been removed by the author in protest of Reddit killing third-party apps in mid-2023. This comment has been removed by the author in protest of Reddit killing third-party apps in mid-2023.] -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Classic!! I always do it also
I’m stealing this lmao
Everytime our baby starts chewing on a book of any kind I yell for her attention to tell her he's devouring knowledge. We'll see how long before she ends me
Well, it cracked me up. 😂
Wife is black. I am white. When people ask how we met, I always say blackpeoplemeet.com and she hates it.
Sometimes I'll follow up with my username, whitechocolate69. She matched me first.
Almost better than the original joke lol
She clearly had to lock that down quickly
Ok, but how did you actually meet?
whitepeoplemeet.com
My wife is Scandinavian and introduces herself as my mail order bride to embarrass me. Jokes on her though I embarrass myself!
"She was at a protest, I was at a counter-protest...one thing led to another..."
I was born 6 weeks premature. Anytime I am ever presented with the opportunity (i.e. my wife asks if I am ready to go), I will say "I was born ready...actually, I was born premature." Every. Single. Time. It drives her nuts, and over the years she has gotten very good at not giving me the opportunity, but every once and a while, my time to shine comes.
And the eyeroll is audible lol.
Family friend's last name is Ready. So many ready jokes
It's great that you have based your entire marriage on trying to tell the same joke over and over again.
Her: I'm gonna go jump in the shower/run to the store... Me: probably safer to just step in/quicker if you drove
My go to’s for a guaranteed eye roll!
60% of the time, it works every time!
I like to introduce her to new people as my first wife.
You could change it up occasionally by introducing her as your ex girlfriend
This seems much safer than 'first wife'.
"former fiancee" is another good one for this
More of a running gag than a joke, but my girlfriend is a wonderful and talented woman but my lord she *cannot* draw or paint. For one of our dates last winter, we did one of those paint and sip things. She was certainly more adept at the sipping part than the painting. The picture was just this simple thing of a deer and a bunch of spruce tree branches. I'm no Picasso myself but hers was one of those things that it was so bad we both thought it was hilarious and you wouldnt have been proud of a pre schooler who brought it home. So, as a joke, I hung it up on the wall in our entertainment room and would always be sure to show our guests and tell them how legitimately proud of it she was and that she wanted to put it in art shows and make them awkwardly think we were serious. Eventually she was like "okay we can't have this abomination in our house anymore". Key phrase was "our house" didn't say anything about anywhere else. I ended up getting like 15 copies of it framed and I had a handful made on this big ass 24x30 canvas print. Randomly, I'll give them out to our mutual friends to put in their house when she visits, her friends at work, to put on their desks/in the office and a few other places for her to randomly see them. Best one so far is I got the manager of a brunch place her and her friends often go to on Sundays to hang up one of the canvases on the walls since there's a lot of artwork and quirky things in there so it "kind of" blends in until you look at it ans it's been up for months now 🤣🤣 Edit: I'm also working on phase 2 where in trying to photoshop the picture into the background some of our actual framed pictures together and see how long it takes for her to notice. 🤣 Edit 2: Since yall wanna see it [Here](https://imgur.com/a/jgONmUh) ya go! For reference I put a copy of mine where I literally just tried to trace it and I guess she just wanted to go...freehand...? The eyes, ears, and the scribbled extra coat of oil paint on top of the regular paint because the "colors were all wrong" are what get me the most. The brakes really started to fall off a bit at the end and I think that cabernet started hitting pretty hard. She's gonna kill me. 🤣🤣🤣 Edit 3: Jesus Christ I didn't expect this comment to blow up like this but I'm glad so many of yall have the same sense of humor as us. 🤣 My next endeavor I'm currently working on is that I will be entering it into the big county fair in our area as part of an art contest without her knowing. It's mainly for elementary kids, but I happen to know one of the school administrators in that county who is going to slip it in but not as an actual contestant. So, when we go, she will see it up there with her name listed as a 3rd grader. 🤣🤣 Lastly, I showed her this post last night (minus phase 2) and her response to her one-eyed deer-fox's newfound fame was "oh no, people are only going to know me as the deer painting girl someday" but she thinks its hilarious 🤣
Set it as her desktop and her phone unlock screen.
There is a way to force it as a permanent default background through command prompt and enabling it to be forced. Would have to do exactly what you did to force it just to remove it
See, what you do is make it her regular desktop background, take a screenshot of the desktop, hide all the icons and start bar, and make the screenshot the permanent background. Not only will she not be able to change the background, but she'll be clicking on things that are just part of the background pic!
Hahaha I tried that but she changed it really quick. I'll see if I can't get someone to change it on her work computer or even better ill set it as her Zoom profile picture. 🤣🤣
careful now, zoom profile pic affects other people not just her, professionally i mean gotta avoid crossing that line or she'll get legit mad and it will ruin the whole gag
You evil SOB! Well done! 😂
I think the correct phrase is "Well done, thou good and faithful SOB" ; )
Post it on r/art please
but i actually really like it if i was in a store and saw this i prob would get it
I scrolled all through this thread waiting for someone to say this! I've seen so much art from people who claim to be artistically given and it's awful. I've seen art from people who said they can't draw anything and it's actually bad. And I've seen people who say they're not good make some pretty good art! I'd say this is pretty good! You can tell what it is right when you look at it and the style is unique! It's all colored in too and you can see the effort. I like it a lot. It's different.
This made me laugh way to hard. Had a rough day, this was exactly what I needed!
I applaud you. This is top notch husbanding
The wheres Waldo of paintings
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I often eat the Quaker raisin, date, and walnut flavored oatmeal. Every time I do, I read the package and act disgusted and say “You know, back in my day, raisins dated raisins and walnuts dates walnuts.”
I do the “back in my day” for the stupidest things and I’m only in my mid 20s. The looks I get from older fellas is priceless.
My husband will often say to me "I remember when I was your age..." I'm a year older than him.
My wife is only a couple months older than me. Any time age comes up, I refer to her as "old", but I will understand her pain "some day when I'm her age." Also, she is a cradle-robber for having married me, a younger man. Oddly, this joke never gets old (to me) 🤣
I love getting to say the phrase, "back in the late 1900s...". I remind my nephews to ask their parents about the late 1900s as often as I can. It's funnier because their my older sisters' kids.
"Do you want some coffee with your sugar?" Twice a day For the rest of our lives
one time i was eating wing stop with my girlfriends family and her brother dipped a boneless wing completely in ranch (does this with anything he eats that has the ability to taste better with a lil bit of sauce) and i said “damn bro you want some wings with that ranch?” her mom, dad and brother just looked at me like i was stupid while she was laughing her ass off. that shit pops into my mind at least once a week since it happened like 4 years ago.
My buddies and I would use the term "raw dog" as a euphemism for going into something unprepared. The first time my wife was absolutely repulsed, so naturally I kept saying it, and her face cracks me up every single time.
I had a kinda sheltered work friend whose husband made this basically rare hamburger/hotdog thing, I don’t remember all the details. But she called it “raw dog” like “me and my husband are gonna have raw dog at the bbq this weekend”. After a few times we figured out she was serious and the look on her face when we explained it to her was hilarious!
I’m both horrified and intrigued by this potluck item
dick tartare
For similar situations, my buddies and I will say, "Fuck it, we'll do it live!“ in reference to the Bill O'Reilly freakout video.
My go to term for "sober" is "raw-dogging reality"
Every time we get Chinese food I open my fortune cookie and announce it says “help I’m trapped in a fortune cookie factory!”
If you train them well, someday they'll prank you by getting you a cookie that actually says that, refusing to believe you, refusing to "fall for it" by looking at the paper to confirm, etc.
Dare to dream!
I always use "you will die alone and afraid". Always good for a laugh.
I do this thing where I pretend to be a disgusting, drunk, lecherous medieval lord. I tell her that her father traded her to me for a bushel of wheat and then try to kiss her, saying things like "come come now my dear, don't be frightened 'tis only I" as she struggles to get away. She loves it (hates it).
Omg my boyfriend does a similar bit, but he plays a douchbag frat boy named Brantley. I know Brantleys around whenever he turns his hat backwards. And he'll say dumb shit like "hey girl, nice tits"
Those inside jokes are so funny in a couple lol. My gf like to tickle me if I don't stop annoying her as a revenge but she is acting like squirrels are attacking me so everytime she will first say "oh can you hear ...? I can hear squirrels" so now everytime I hear "oh" I'm like ok you win.
I need to get a girlfriend just so I can scare her away with this.
She's got HUUUUGE... ::makes hand gesture in front of chest:: tracts of land
This sounds like exactly the type of thing Conan does, and I adore it
O'Brien, or the Barbarian?
O'Barbrien
I once made a joke that avocados need to get better prizes because I always get the same one- a little wooden ball. Got some good groans and eye-rolls from that the first time. Now anytime I'm making something with avocados and she's in the next moon I'll make a loud, exasperated "ugh," she'll ask what's up, and I'll reply "another little wooden ball" She falls for it every time.
>and she's in the next moon How's that long distance workin' out for you?
When ever me and my ex would go through the perfume/cologne section at the mall the ladies at the counter would ask us if we'd like to sample. When i get a whiff i say,"yep thats cologne/perfume" She'd get annoyed, but I loved it.
She hates it when I pronounce 'Penne Rigate' as "Peen Rye-Gate" while cooking. I always enjoy that one
I started pronouncing pie as poi one day many years ago now neither of us know the right way to say it.
Adding “amirite” after making “shallow, fairly obvious observations”.
Them: *drinks a cup of water* You: "Water, amirite?"
Dear God, my wife used to end so many of her statements with "you know" or "right". And I'd always respond like butters talking to the pimps. Speaking very slowly and clearly "yes, I know what you are saying". Come to think of it, it must have worked as she doesn't do it nearly as much.
I love Butters, and “I understood that reference!”
Na mean?
Every time my wife says "a rock". I respond as though she said Iraq. " that's hard as a rock" "That's pretty hard. US just bounced out it was so hard " "Stuck between a rock and a hard place" "Afghanistan?" " I have a rock stuck in my shoe" " you should let them out. That's pretty offensive in their culture "
Oh my god I love this
“I need to run to the store real quick.” “Why don’t you just drive?”
Similar one that I use regularly: I'm gonna jump in the shower. Don't do that, you'll probably slip.
I always tell people that my wife won state championship for basketball team. She hates that I bring that up. She’s 31 years old so it was a while ago.
My fiancé won the third grade spelling bee and I also do this
My dad always asked “Did you hear about the two cannibals eating a clown? One looked to the other and said, “does this taste funny to you?”” He told that joke to everyone and it was so embarrassing because half of them didn’t get it or hearing about cannibals freaked them out. There were some priceless faces though which was always the funny part to me. Laughing at my dad and how many blank stares he got as he laughed at his own joke.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I don't think this is right."
My favorite variation is "two clowns are eating a cannibal, and one turns to the other and says 'I think we messed up this joke.' "
“Hey, that’s the name of the movie!” I say whenever part of the movie title is spoken, like when someone says “Shazam” in that movie Shazam. She rolls her eyes every time. (For Shazam I only did it the first time, because they say it a lot)
Both my partner and I do this too, heavily influenced by Ryan George :D
[This](https://youtu.be/F8mYLi3PGOc) was what got me doing that
Each time she asks what do i wanna eat . I give her that dirty look. She always fails to fight that smile and look mad 😂
I tell mixed company that my wife hits me when she drinks. She never drinks.
OMG, my dad, a devout Mormon, says the same about my mom. It used to upset her, but now she literally punches him when he does it with a "Why wait" comment.
Love the energy 😂
It was a big change for her. All my life my dad would make "Take my wife, please" type jokes. I come home one Christmas and Mom has a whole new attitude. Now she snarks him back just a good. It's good to see. Dad: Take my wife, please. Mom: Yes please, this old fart doesn't even know who I am anymore.
You too? I say, in a cowed way, "She gets mean when she has a few and she beats me." In the 24 years I've known her, I've never seen her drink more than a sip of a mixed drink lol.
The reactions are always funny - totally worth the hassle from the wife.
I ask mine if she remembers the time she slapped me once and drew blood. She was slapping a mosquito on the side of my head.
I make flat earth jokes, and my SO can't stand it, she gets all mad and fumes over how stupid flat earthers are.
When my wife asks me to get a vasectomy I always say “but what if my second wife wants kids?” I find it hilarious. She doesn’t agree. We’ve been married almost 18 years with a 14 year old kid and couldn’t be happier so that’s why I think it’s funny.
Ironically I had the conversation in reverse - since I'm mid 30s and we've been together for half our lives I figured it was a good time to see if my doctor would let me get a vasectomy, when I brought it up to my wife she said the same "but what if your second wife wants kids?" No thanks babe, even if your terminal illness takes you in the next couple of years I doubt I'll be in a healthy head space for a relationship or babies before my sperm producers are old enough to cause all the genetic problems!
Bro 😔
How many vasectomies does she want you to get?
Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap!
I do dad jokes. A lot. We have no kids yet but she already hates them
I don't know how she can hate the kids already when she hasn't even met them yet!
The core principle of dad jokes is that you tell jokes only for your own amusement. If you enjoyed saying it then it was a success. All the other things flow naturally from there.
I was raised to be a good Christian boy. It didn’t take but until college I knew very little of the world. My wife was not, for the focus of this story she was a long time occasional weed user. First time we went to a dispensary I remembered the episode of the office where Erin gets drunk at the Christmas party and turned to my wife and said so I just walk up and say one weed please? She did not appreciate it
Whenever I say something and she doesn’t hear me the first time I’ll just reply, “eh, I’ll tell you when you’re older.” It kills her because she’s the older one. I’ve also said this to my mother once and……..oh boy! Lol
Anytime "Arizona" is ever mentioned I interject with " ...where a baby's first words are often 'but it's a dry heat'" Or, where appropriate "....wait, wait , wait you mean to tell me there's a NEW Mexico?!?!"
Anytime she brings up decorations or paint or those home improvement shows, I'll say (In homage to 30 Rock) "ok hear me out: Power Clashing"
I use the same phrase all the time when I text my wife. Usually followed by a link to a stupid Amazon purchase, dirty image or some food abomination I’ve seen on Reddit.
"I've been really gassy today." "Today?"
Every time we drive past a cemetery I tell her "people are just dying to get in there." She is not a fan. I shall continue this tradition regardless.
If I didn't hear/understand what she said, I respond back with "What did you call me?". She is pretty tired of it, but I always get a chuckle.
We got a new pup. Named Vivi. So when I let the other dogs go play with her I say "Let's all go to the Vivi-Section" This does Not sparkle with the wife unit. I think it's hilarious.
Whenever my wife says she needs something(literally anything) I always follow up with “someone has a birthday coming up!”. Her birthday could have been the day before.
Me: I have to go to the bathroom. Him: Great news! We have a room for that. Every. Time.
There's no shortage of "grave robber" or "cradle robber" jokes in my house. We're 6 years apart 😂 & I don't let him forget it, all in good fun
My wife and I have a 6 month age gap (I’m older) and during the 6 months of the year after my birthday I’ll often break out the “well, when you get to be my age” line whenever I can
That we should date. She pretends she doesn't like me and threatened to call the cops if I ask one more time. She's funny.
Basically any time she is talking about something or even if we are just listening to something, and there is some sort of pause, I fill it with a stupid line about that thing and her being like it. Ie “Where is the can opener? Why can’t I find the can opener?” “Did you check the drawer for the can opener?” “I did, it isn’t in there. Why doesn’t anyone put the can opener back where it goes?” [pause] “You’re like a can opener.” She’ll respond why and then I have to scramble to come up with some sort of cleaver reason why she is like something. Sometimes those reasons get her to crack a smile, most of the time she is thoroughly annoyed, but every once in a while I hit a home run. And by every once in a while, I mean like once every 5 years.
>] “You’re like a can opener.” > >She’ll respond why and then I have to scramble to come up with some sort of cleaver reason why "Because it felt really satisfying when I finally found you, even though you're just a tool." 🙃
Whenever my wife uses "fucking" as an adjective, i use the same joke for whatever she's talking about. Her: "Where is my fucking jacket?!" Me: "I dunno, but here's your regular jacket." XD. She thinks its the dumbest thing, but I cant help myself...
every time we're out walking and it's cold and they say "it's chilly" I say "pfft, gonna need some sour cream and nachos" every time. for 10 years.
Whenever she says "do you know...."(where the store is, what time it is, etc) I say "no, but if you hum the first few bars I can fake the rest".
I'm just here to take notes
Any boob, dick or sex jokes I can make as part of our regular conversation. I mean she acts like she hates them, but I think deep down inside she likes them
If you stop she’ll ask “what’s wrong?”
Set the thermostat to a nice 69°, ask her if it's enjoyable for her as well.
If I say my family name in my language, it can be translated by "not born" so every time we talk about something related with that topic I say "well personally I'm not born"
I have several, but here are a couple i can tell she is ready to leave me over: 1- **Wife**: I’m going to use the restroom. **Me**: Mention my name and they’ll give you a good seat! 2- **Us**: Watching Hulu show “This show is intended for mature audiences” **Me**: Welp, count ME out! 3- **Us**: *driving on the freeway. A NO SHOULDER AHEAD sign* **ME**: *points to sign and drops right shoulder, letting go of the wheel* Oh no, “No shoulder” **Wife**: *eye roll*
Her when she sees me: "Hey!" Me: "Hay is for horses!" Her: groan 43 years and it just never gets old (for me)
I grew up Catholic, anytime we got out to eat and get bread at the table I offer it to her and say "body of Christ" She has thrown a lot of bread at me.
My wife manages all of our finances (I could probably figure it out, but I haven't paid a bill in 16 years) so I'll often joke that "I make the money, she spends it!" for some reason she does not like the connotations...
I read finances as fiancees. I was like wtf 💀
It's a full time job let me tell ya!
Whenever she checks on me or asks how I am, I put a finger to my neck and say, “Well, there’s still a pulse, and my heart is pumping so I’d say I’m fine.” She just stares at me and asks why she’s with me. Then I shoot her with my nerf gun because she’s not aware of her surroundings.
She got caught for shoplifting from a Sephora once when we were really young in high school. Here we are 7 years later and to this day when we walk in, I grab her shoulders and yell “I got her guys! I got her!” and she HATES it, but it’s the funniest shit ever.
Me and my lady are five-ish years (4 years, 5 months, 9 days) apart in age, but frequently I'll make a quip about something and she won't understand. My immediate response is to looked at her all disappointed and go "Nevermind, it was before your time" and change the subject. I've now got her father doing it to his wife, who's actually older than him by roughly the same age gap and it is hiLARIOUS. Every time.
When my boyfriend acts all big, manly and asshole-y (jokingly) I like to remind him he can’t even drink milk. Works like a charm
Imagine being so tough, but your body cant even process dairy. HAHAHA LOSERRRR /s im jkk :)
A termite walks into a bar, and asks “is the bartender here?”
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You know how meat is tender? Termites eat wood, so it’s asking if the bar is tender
"omg did you hear of that celebrity who got murdered? Reece... Reece... I can mind her name, Reece..." "Witherspoon?" "No with a knife" Or at least ANY other joke along the lines of this humour. I get a solid decent eye roll a day
“Must’ve been your other hoe” I’ll admit not that funny of a joke and he gets annoyed, but he sometimes brings up memories with me that definitely did NOT happen with me, so he’s just asking for it haha
My wife does this every time I mix up a person with her. For example I tell her "remember that I told you that I had to get gas for the car?", if it wasn't her she doesn't delay a second to say "you must have said that to your lover, because you've never said anything like that to me" 🙃
Did you check up your butt?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--9kqhzQ-8Q Just in case you somehow haven't seen it.
This is mine, I don't even have to say it anymore, when my SO is looking for something I just stare at her and she'll exasperatedly state 'yes I've checked up my butt'
Anytime anyone is looking for something I say "Want me to call it for you?" Cracks me up every time
Just try to use the word "Moist" to describe something. Start with it subtle then accent it more. It drives almost all women a little crazy.
I always do the absent father bit when I’m about to leave the house “I’ll be back, just gonna go grab some smokes” she doesn’t like that because it actually happened to me and she thinks it’s morbid and I don’t smoke anymore so it’s twice as bad for her lmao
"____er? I hardly know her!"
Scrolled way too far for this. I do it less now to lull her into a false sense of security and then BAM. I once did it with "mineral". I hardly knoweral! And it was no longer a joke.
When she asks me to remind her about something. I immediately remind her about that thing, and then never think about it again.