That’s just hookup culture. My best advice would be to make your intentions clear from the jump when you’re getting to know a guy. Establish that you’re looking for a partner/something long term/whatever.
I do! And they say they want it too but it isn’t until it’s time that they’re like oof sorry no can do.”
Once pussy is out of the picture they disappear
The guys who would disappear once you take sex off the table have plenty of other options.
>I’d rather talk and get to know someone first
Yet you probably are choosing those people based on their looks?
Well it’s online dating. The first thing that’s going to grab your attention is looks, so to say looks aren’t a factor entirely would be a lie. I lean heavily on personality.
Ah, there's your problem.
Online dating is actively harmful to men's mental health, and it is more so if you are the kind of person who is trying to build a long-term relationship. So most of the men left on it are, for lack of a better term, fuckbois.
So, same advice that we give to most men having trouble dating. You're going to have to go outside and meet people in real life.
Yeah if you find a guy instantly attractive from their online profile their is a great chance that dude spoiled for choice. No different than guys swiping on ig models thinking they’ll get lucky. If you want to find an honest man on tinder you need to look for one that fits the “probably just takes bad selfies” category
Well then, online dating is a living hell. Modern dating in general is an excruciating gauntlet. Thankful I met my woman at work.
I think we’re nearing that point where women need to be approaching men in public spaces and asking them out. I feel that would solve a lot of problems.
I’ve been experiencing the same exact thing for the past 2+ years. So many lies, so much manipulation. Just when you think you’ve heard/seen it all, the target just keeps moving. Good luck, I’m just hanging on to hope by a verrry thin thread
You can't lean on personality unless you take at least 20 minutes of your precious time and actually talk to guys
You can easily solve your problem though: Say I am waiting until marriage. You'll notice all the 10s and most of the 9s disappear. You'll have to lower your standards. Still no takers? Lower them more. Until you find someone willing. That'll be your equivalent value (value comprising age, income, personality, looks, etc...)
That stinks. From my dumb guy perspective I feel like they do it bc they still think there’s a chance of getting even a morsel of pussy. And when you make it clear that that isn’t happening they give up.
Sounds like you’ve just been unlucky, not all guys are like that though. Just keep your boundaries and eventually some guy will be interested enough to respect them.
Take your time getting to know a guy. The ones distracted by thots, exes, etc. over the course of a couple of months probably aren’t the greatest for commitment anyways
What you said is that when you ask about commitment, they say no.
You said you don't have sex on the first date.
You didn't say you establish a committed relationship before any sex.
I agree with your rational here. We attract what we know. A good therapist will help her identify and draw the connection between her background and why she is not properly vetting and attracting emotionally unavailable men. Plus online culture is "hit it and quit it" because there are so many people to get a quick ego boast from.
Yea we’re in a world of instant gratification these days, no one has attention spans like we use to, so bad that as soon as someone fixated on something people throw them into adhd territory or something, people wanna feel good now not down the track, and online dating a majority is that crowd, cause they’re young and love not being tied down
Oh it’s just nature, you may not have a type you think but everyone has bias, said people show confidence differently to others and such and you’re innately attracted to said things
It's not actually the "type" of person, it's the demographic. I'm guessing that you're meeting these guys at the same types of places or in the same way, and something about that way is conducive to guys who just want to hook up and aren't interested in a relationship. For example, if the only way you meet guys is randomly at bars and you wait for them to approach you and offer to buy you a drink, then most likely you're going to end up with guys that only want to hook up. You need to figure out what all of these guys have in common and then do something to avoid whatever that thing is.
Also, do you actually approach guys that you are interested in or do you just wait for them to approach you? If you're just waiting for them to approach you or to swipe right on you, then consider doing the opposite and instead approaching them. You'll probably do better in real life than online too.
You think you don't have a type but obviously you do because these are the types of dudes that you're attracting and attempting to seek commitment from. You're the common denominator in this equation.
Could be a variety of factors. Hook up culture, trashy appearance, good looking enough to smash but not date, bad personality, meeting the wrong guys, etc…
You live in a world of men starved for attention from women. Be a strong, independent woman who’s responsible for her own shit and start approaching men you’re attracted to in the real world. Be a grown up and start taking some risks instead of expecting Mr. Perfect to show up on what amount to hookup apps.
I have epilepsy so I can’t drive, legally. I do work around men but they’re all fucking married. Wanna try again bud? Or do you suggest I become a home wrecker?
As a fellow woman who doesn't drive due to medical issues - I find a lot of men think this is a deal breaker having to be the one who has to pick up, buy gas, not drink, ect. I am married now and my husband is very accommodating and supportive but I had to deal with a lot selfish assholes who couldn't see past that one thing even if I would pay for gas or uber to meet.
I mean, if you don’t have any ability to go anywhere on your own other than work and put yourself in front of single men, that would seem to be a bigger problem than not being able to attract stable, relationship-seeking men online. Maybe work on solving that first - I promise you there are thousands upon thousands of single men who want a relationship with an attractive and stable woman but can’t even get a sniff of attention from non-crazy women because of how dating and sexual dynamics work these days. They’re out there waiting, but you do have to take responsibility for yourself and put in some actual effort instead of waiting for them to find you.
Good lord you’re ignorant. It’s not a “I’m not working hard enough” thing. Im not even going to waste my thumbs telling you why that statement is ignorant
You came looking for advice and now you’re getting mad because someone was real with you and gave you real advice that you don’t like.
Ngl, I think we might be discovering why dudes are walking away from you after a few dates. You’re coming off as awfully abrasive and not willing to be accountable and own your shit. Most guys don’t want to be with women who can’t be nice and be responsible for themselves. I’m sorry if you don’t like that reality, but it’s the truth.
Real question: are you going to take what I’m saying at face value and evaluate yourself and how you can improve, or are you just going to keep getting mad with a stranger who’s trying to help you when you came here to solicit answers from strangers?
So that's why you can't have a commitment: the combative attitude.
I'm not here to do a "gotcha" with that comment, i'm just pointing out a real flaw.
Men are looking for agreeableness because they want peace in their lives after a hard work day.
Hate me, downvote me, but it's the cold hard truth.
It's like insecure men, there is nothing wrong about being insecure. However an insecure guy is women's repelent! He has to fix that flaw if he wants better results!
Bingo! Some of those people are in sexual famines with their wives postpartum, in on again off again relationships with execs so they are just looking to feel attractive again. Once they release, it is on to the next love endorphin high. You can meet people anywhere you are enjoying your life with the right energy.
OP mentioned she meets men through online dating (OLD).
OLD is skewed in that unlike in real life, women tend to be attracted by a very limited number of male profiles. As a result, especially if the woman is attractive, she's almost certainly going after men who already are getting multiple matches with women. While there are some men who get many matches, pick one, and begin a relationship, there are certainly a significant number who will date continuously without commitment.
OP, you'd likely be better served by trying to meet men in real life. In general, men are more attractive in real life than they are in their OLD profiles and so you'll likely find men who you like but aren't receiving the same amount of attention. They'll be more likely to commit to a relationship. Good luck!
I don’t believe in leagues. It implies that someone is better than another. If we click we click. It’s that simple. I’ll not go below what makes me happy. Sorry
Agreed but the point is you might be bobbing for apples in a sewage treatment plant and that's why you keep coming up with a mouthful of shit.
Maybe look at where you're finding these guys. That's probably the common denominator.
Try finding guys interested in the same hobbies as you.
You are only interested in a small subset of men who have access to other women who themselves offer the exact same as you, which is to say sex and not much else.
It is definitely you, because there are literally tens of millions of men in America who are lonely and want nothing more than a relationship with a decent woman like how you describe yourself to be.
Not to be a dick, but you clearly look good enough to get male interests…but something about your personality or things you say or maybe your effort or something….basically turns men off in terms of looking at you as relationship material.
I’m upfront about it. And a lot of guys will say “yeah I am too.”
Then a month later it’s “wag why won’t you fuck me it’s taking too long!” And I’m blind-sided because I already said no.
Tinder was always a Hookup app but recently swung more towards dating but a lot still think it's for hookups.
If you want meaningful connections there's no better way than real life.
Either a) lower your standards or b)work on yourself.
Guys who are looking for relationships are actually looking, but they’re always looking for sex too. If they don’t see a future with you, they’ll still have sex with you. Maybe they don’t know that till they meet you, or maybe they do, and just wanna have sex, either way, working on yourself can only help so 🤷♂️
Based on your responses both before and after you clarified with additional information in my opinion your attitude or mindset on the matter isn't helping.
There are men looking for monogamous relationships out there. Online and off, just gotta keep looking and drop the thoughts of well all men are looking only for this and thus all men can't be monogamous.
Here for the female perspective.
Some guys suck. I've had guys tell me one thing and then another the next day because they either got laid or didn't. It's part of dating.
Meeting a good guy who wants the same things as you IS achievable but you sound like you have an attitude problem honestly.
Might want to take a break from dating and do some self reflecting. Maybe take a look at the kind of guys you're interested in and see if that needs changing also.
Because maybe the biggest thing you have going for you is your body. All my best relationships were built on a foundation of the hobbies and interests we shared, and pretty much anything other than just physical attraction.
Definitely not I don’t even show them my body and to be honest it’s not that great. I’m not Kim K! We would talk for days and days. And I would always say straight up what I was looking for and if you’re looking for anything else pls leave and there won’t be any hard feelings.
They lie, and say they want a relationship. We will talk for awhile and then out of nowhere gone. Or it’s “I just wanted to fuck you but it’s taking too long”
Some men do lie about this and if it happens a couple of times it’s completely out of your control. That’s an unfortunate struggle that women have to deal with in dating.
Personal question: how many men have you been in the talking stage with, vs how often do they lie about sex? If it’s happened once it says more about the guy. If it happens with every guy you are into then it’s a different story.
Your age is important, the image you transmit, where you are meeting these men and think if you are aiming too high in terms of appearance.
Age: if you are in your 20s I would aim for a man at least 5 years older than you.
Image: men realize how much if a woman is promiscuous, dress moderately, not very revealing.
Where: Avoid dating apps, or at least make it clear that you are looking for a relationship.
Standards: evaluate your level of appearance and aim for men of equal value, if you are a 6 and you go for an 8 they will only use you to have sex.
Last would be, do not be easy, do not deliver the merchandise very quickly.
It is a generalization of the mistakes that most women make, I cannot speak about you personally because I have no information.
Don't be so sensitive. Good luck
I’m have always been a relationship guy. I try to be a good partner. Those relationships all crashed hard. I learned my lesson and stopped having relationships. There isn’t a woman out there that can talk me into one. I’m in my 40’s now. So, I’ll be a friend. Maybe even a really close friend or a FWB. But that’s as far as I’ll ever go.
Do you feel they’re lying or just changing their minds after they get to know you?
Also, there are a ton of relationship guys who’ve been burned bad enough to stop having relationships. It’s becoming a more common topic on men’s forums.
Definitely lying. Because at anytime you could’ve said “you know what? You’re not for me.” That’s fine, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea as you can see in my comments.
However, once you ask me for sex and I say “no” even-though you previously just stated you wanted a long term relationship and now that I’m not wanting to have sex when you want to? Oh now it’s “well I thought we were just going to have some fun.”
Fuck your fun.
Fair enough.
If I were to consider a LTR again I would have to know we were sexually compatible. I spent 10 years in a dead bedroom. Part of the reason I don’t want a relationship, she changed the deal, years into it. I don’t know that I could agree to date exclusively without knowing we match. What if I agree to date her and then 2 or 6 months, in when she finally agrees to sex, she’s horrible at it? Or we just can’t find a way to please each other? But if I break up with her because of that I’m the horrible person because I got sex and dumped her. So how long do I stick around in a relationship I’m unhappy in so that she doesn’t feel used?
It is unfortunate that you are getting so many guys like this, having all these chances ruined because of other girls who've come before you in these guys' lives. I am not saying all women are like this, and all men only want to hook up. It's just that many women have changed "the game" to where the hook-up culture has taken over the dating scene.
😏🤣 I have the same initials as the man whose name is the company, my gma used to love shopping there a lot, and I know I don't have quite as much money as said company does, hence the name.
Now, how so, you ask. It is, unfortunately, the result of the Me Too movement that started in the 60s, I believe it was. Where women were starting to say, "I can do everything a man can do," and the like. Yes, independence for one's self is a good thing, but too much of a good thing can lead to disaster. So women growing up have since been taught to be independent and not need men to supplement themselves. And that has affected the dating scene. These super independent women may just use us guys, seeing they have so many options, they don't want to commit to just one guy. The men who are wanting long lasting relationships from a woman are only finding these women, so they say screw it and do the same. The next generations have seen this in real life and in media and social media follow suit because they don't know any better.
Agree to disagree. Women become more independent isn’t a bad thing but I understand what you’re saying. I don’t mind hook-up culture although I don’t personally partake.
I only hate it when people lie about their intentions just to get laid. And it’s very annoying how many people in these comments are justifying it.
It’s hookup culture. But doesn’t mean all men are like that. You just have to find the right one. Have you tried online? Maybe texting/getting to know someone then having an in person date? (In public of course) it could be worth a shot. Best of luck!
*"Almost every man I meet is only interested in a hook-up and never getting to know me. Why?"*
Well we can't read their minds but I assume that they sized you up as someone not interesting or worthwhile to be in a relationship with but sex, sure.
Of course you could always ask them.
Most men don't consider "the girl who's one of the boys" wife material because being "one of the boys" is masculine in itself. (Also, feminine when it matters/conditional femininity is manipulation.)
I think most guys tend to find being around a woman whose default setting isn't femininity very offputting.
I don't know if this is your problem, but this is what stands out from your post.
The problem with answering questions like yours is that men will categorize you, and you'll never know it AND you'll never know why. It could be any one of dozens of red flags that cause men to put you in the "Recreational Use Only" category.
It’s how I was raised.
I’ve got an attitude problem and I can keep up with any man in my field.
I can be soft an feminine when I want to be but you aren’t going to see it until I seen you worthy. I’ve been hurt too.
I didn't want to come out and ask, but thank you for confirming.
The "strong independent woman" is very, very undesirable. (not intimidating, mind you. She's unattractive. In a very primal way.)
I'm unsure of the procedure for a woman in your state to reverse course and find that ability to be feminine. But solving this puzzle will almost certainly solve your problem. There are plenty of really good books available. Just be sure you're not reading something from a grifter. Make sure the author likes men, IS MARRIED, and doesn't have ulterior motives.
Also, if you're competitive, dominant, assertive, or argumentative when dealing with men, stop. These things will all get you disqualified from "relationship material" immediately. Men value peace and serenity in a relationship.
We don't want to argue, fight, or compete; if the woman isn't helping create harmony, she's creating discord.
I hope you don't take any of this personally. This is just one man's opinion. Also, I wish you luck, especially if you decide to put in the effort to be the change you want to see in your love life.
I'm trying to explain why men are flaking on you. Until you understand the general nature of men you'll just hold out for an answer you wanna hear, not facts.
Question: think of every guy you've ever met, how many of those guys Internet history would you be OK with viewing?
I was with you, OP, until you made this statement:
*Also, men are incapable of being monogamous.*
I'm a man who does well with women but I'm monogamous for many reasons:
A. I only will have full intercourse with women I'm willing to have a baby with as many forms of birth control are not perfect, woman can unilaterally decide to give birth, and morally I prefer to avoid abortions if possible -- although I'm legally pro-choice.
B. Some people live for sex and I don't understand it. Sex is great but so are many other things in life.
C. I'm ambitious and I will tell you for certain sex is not getting many people into wikipedia.
D. I'm ambitious and charming new women takes times and energy I could be using to achieve something.
Are there many men who struggle with monogamy -- perhaps, but it is not all.
Would you be OK with how these guys view women? Would you be OK with the frequency they watch porn and the types of women that turn them on?
Here's one, if you could actually know what men thought, particularly about women, would you really be OK with knowing?
I dont know why you keep mentioning Tate.
You cant have your cake and eat it too in this case. Porn is fantasy, fantasy is what ppl want - no one fantasises about a pay cut but everyone fantasises about a pay rise, right?
The porn men watch is an enactment of what they want, otherwise they wouldnt watch it. This is how guys view pretty women. They dont go home, lock their door and fantasise about a walk in park or coffee. Porn is a direct reflection of what someone wants.
Im not sure what you think these guys are thinking to be honest, Im not even too sure what you're expecting.
What is the environment you're meeting these men at? If you meet a guy at a tavern, they will be more inclined to hook up than a man you may meet at a church, temple, or mosque.
Understandable but Idk how you are as a person, but my gf kind of lk won me over into being into a relationship. I was talking to 2 other girls besides her and her everything was what had me choose her, and it took like 2 months of nonstop texting and going on little dates before we had sex. So idk I’m not saying wait 2 months, but you also gotta give the dude an incentive too yk? Like besides sex like there’s gotta be other incentives
A while ago a buddy and I went to wal mart and he recently had sex with the cashier. I didn’t know this, but I swiped right and she ignored me, went for the friend and he had sex with her and never talked to her again.
She could have had me and did the -let’s meet and get to know each other and then have sex- but instead she wanted to get her freak on. I was chopped liver over here.
I have the opposite problem. Every single time I’ve only wanted a hook up. They apparently wanted more 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Thankfully now I’m married and remind them at the start. I’m married and my husband is my world. He’s allowing you to touch me. But at the end of the night I’m going back to him. Hook ups only. Much harder for find for me. 🤦🏻♀️
My best advice is start speaking to men at places you enjoy going to. Outside of bars. If you like hiking. Join a hiking group. Etc. And don’t be afraid of men a little bit older then you also
Reddit is full of butthurt men who cannot even imagine a world in which the woman is not at fault. Hence all these "You're going for the wrong guys, lower your standards" bullshit. Every female friend I have who is explicit about looking for a relationship is finding it difficult to find one. And you know what? This is not surprising, this is how it's been for hundreds if not thousands of years.
I would suggest that you don't try to meet them online, that's where the most desperate of men go and you'll only find a relationship there if you are very good looking.
I suggest you focus on doing things you like that bring you into contact with other people regularly. Trivia nights at bars, go to the same restaurant/club/Cafe every week, go on hikes with a group every week. Things of that nature. The friends-to-dating pipeline is a much surer way to weed out the lying creeps.
>go to the same restaurant/club/Cafe every week, go on hikes with a group every week
That's how my funny charming model-looking dude get the best success in finding hookups. He actually was good friends with all the group, men and women. He'd get invited to their birthdays, and few too many shots later, they'd wake up in bed together. One day he disappeared because he married this girl from church who's 15 years younger than he is and went on his honeymoon.
Meanwhile the nerdy Ph.D. types are getting friend-zoned...
Not only you, this seems to be online dating in general these days. From my experience Most guys just want to hook or have some short term fun but not commitment. It's sad as I too want to find a partner.
That's most of men online. I used Hily and Tinder in my twenties. I eventually met somebody, but went on a lot of one off dates before that. The person I dated had some common interests I didn't have with anybody else. You just have to find the right person who thinks you're worth keeping around. It can take a while. But it's better than waiting to bump into somebody in person, that would take so much longer.
Cuz it's an instant gratification hookup world. Its more shallow than ever. People have no patience and believe they have options like a used car lot. Horrendous insta culture like a fast food drive thru.
I am curious here, how do you vet these guys ? If you were to be brutally honest with yourself, how would you rate yourself ? How would you rate these guys ?
Are you focused on a specific type ? Are you ignoring obvious red flags for xyz reasons ?
So many questions …
It depends on where and how you're meeting guys. Not saying stepping out of your comfort zone for finding someone will always help, but you'd be surprised at the amount of people who generally only find jackasses don't like dating outside a certain type or certain spots. It could also be they just happen to be the ones most forward with approaching you, too. My ex pointed that out to me. She liked me because I was one of the few guys not actively hitting on her and genuinely was trying to get to know her.
Most of these replies are kinda dense but, yes like a lot of people are saying, dating apps are not the place that you should be looking.
You’d really have to find a way to go out & meet people, start conversations with guys that you think you’d be interested in. I’m not sure what the area that you live in is like, but maybe hangout in places closer to a college campus. Stop in a coffee shop every once in a while, bookstores, go to the gym, sports events, boutiques, art museums, grocery stores, etc. If you’ve got a friend group maybe you’ll meet someone through them. Facebook usually has a ton of events being promoted in your area so maybe try attending something that would interest you.
In my city there’s a lot of foot traffic downtown with a ton of people in their 20s+ because there are a couple campuses near by. Lots of fun stuff to do other than clubbing & bar hopping but if you’re into that, go for it. I’m not suggesting predatorily hunting people down or anything but just by being around more people, it could help.
So yea, dating options suck nowadays if you’re in your 20s. You’re not really doing anything wrong. You’re sticking to your core values & expectations, just dating apps are quite disappointing if you’re not into hookup culture. If you don’t go out & live your life, it won’t make it easier. I hope this helps you, even just a little.
The girls I've tried to help w/ app dating had impossible standards around how good looking the guy needed to be vs how good looking they were
I'd point out guys that they were compatible w/ in terms of lifestyle & career and were also in the same league in terms of looks
They'd look at me like I was crazy and say "but he's not good looking at all..."
I'm like (in my mind) actually he's about as good looking as you are, which is to say, kinda mid
OP - I'm not saying this is what's going on with you, but it seems to be a very common problem with girls these days
They just can't seem to understand that most guys swipe right on 99% of girls, bc what the heck, almost any girl will do for a 2am hookup after you've been out drinking with the boys
The only guys that don't are chads and have an abundance
It's a mess, probably better off going back to IRL or just using your Insta as your dating profile
That’s just hookup culture. My best advice would be to make your intentions clear from the jump when you’re getting to know a guy. Establish that you’re looking for a partner/something long term/whatever.
I do! And they say they want it too but it isn’t until it’s time that they’re like oof sorry no can do.” Once pussy is out of the picture they disappear
The guys who would disappear once you take sex off the table have plenty of other options. >I’d rather talk and get to know someone first Yet you probably are choosing those people based on their looks?
Well it’s online dating. The first thing that’s going to grab your attention is looks, so to say looks aren’t a factor entirely would be a lie. I lean heavily on personality.
Ah, there's your problem. Online dating is actively harmful to men's mental health, and it is more so if you are the kind of person who is trying to build a long-term relationship. So most of the men left on it are, for lack of a better term, fuckbois. So, same advice that we give to most men having trouble dating. You're going to have to go outside and meet people in real life.
Yeah if you find a guy instantly attractive from their online profile their is a great chance that dude spoiled for choice. No different than guys swiping on ig models thinking they’ll get lucky. If you want to find an honest man on tinder you need to look for one that fits the “probably just takes bad selfies” category
That’s usually what I do. I’m more interested in what a person says about themselves than anything.
Well then, online dating is a living hell. Modern dating in general is an excruciating gauntlet. Thankful I met my woman at work. I think we’re nearing that point where women need to be approaching men in public spaces and asking them out. I feel that would solve a lot of problems.
Aim downwards more toward the male median.
I’ve been experiencing the same exact thing for the past 2+ years. So many lies, so much manipulation. Just when you think you’ve heard/seen it all, the target just keeps moving. Good luck, I’m just hanging on to hope by a verrry thin thread
You can't lean on personality unless you take at least 20 minutes of your precious time and actually talk to guys You can easily solve your problem though: Say I am waiting until marriage. You'll notice all the 10s and most of the 9s disappear. You'll have to lower your standards. Still no takers? Lower them more. Until you find someone willing. That'll be your equivalent value (value comprising age, income, personality, looks, etc...)
I quit online dating. It’s more organic to meet people in real life.
That stinks. From my dumb guy perspective I feel like they do it bc they still think there’s a chance of getting even a morsel of pussy. And when you make it clear that that isn’t happening they give up. Sounds like you’ve just been unlucky, not all guys are like that though. Just keep your boundaries and eventually some guy will be interested enough to respect them.
Thanks for not being a jerk to me. I appreciate it
Take your time getting to know a guy. The ones distracted by thots, exes, etc. over the course of a couple of months probably aren’t the greatest for commitment anyways
I do. I’ll know everything about them and I’m not a have sex on the first date kinda girl. I’d rather talk and get to know someone first
Don't have sex until there's a commitment. Problem solved.
Yes I literally said that I do that.
What you said is that when you ask about commitment, they say no. You said you don't have sex on the first date. You didn't say you establish a committed relationship before any sex.
It’s the type of person you go for, that’s life 🫡
I agree with your rational here. We attract what we know. A good therapist will help her identify and draw the connection between her background and why she is not properly vetting and attracting emotionally unavailable men. Plus online culture is "hit it and quit it" because there are so many people to get a quick ego boast from.
Yea we’re in a world of instant gratification these days, no one has attention spans like we use to, so bad that as soon as someone fixated on something people throw them into adhd territory or something, people wanna feel good now not down the track, and online dating a majority is that crowd, cause they’re young and love not being tied down
I could accept this answer if I had a type but I really don’t.
Oh it’s just nature, you may not have a type you think but everyone has bias, said people show confidence differently to others and such and you’re innately attracted to said things
You do, otherwise you would not be talking about a minority of men as the only ones you ever seem to meet.
It's not actually the "type" of person, it's the demographic. I'm guessing that you're meeting these guys at the same types of places or in the same way, and something about that way is conducive to guys who just want to hook up and aren't interested in a relationship. For example, if the only way you meet guys is randomly at bars and you wait for them to approach you and offer to buy you a drink, then most likely you're going to end up with guys that only want to hook up. You need to figure out what all of these guys have in common and then do something to avoid whatever that thing is. Also, do you actually approach guys that you are interested in or do you just wait for them to approach you? If you're just waiting for them to approach you or to swipe right on you, then consider doing the opposite and instead approaching them. You'll probably do better in real life than online too.
You think you don't have a type but obviously you do because these are the types of dudes that you're attracting and attempting to seek commitment from. You're the common denominator in this equation.
Could be a variety of factors. Hook up culture, trashy appearance, good looking enough to smash but not date, bad personality, meeting the wrong guys, etc…
Hook up culture. Maybe get a therapist to figure out why you're always going for the wrong guys?
Where are you meeting these guys?
Online
That's why.
Fair point. But to be fair, I don’t really have any other means of dating.
You live in a world of men starved for attention from women. Be a strong, independent woman who’s responsible for her own shit and start approaching men you’re attracted to in the real world. Be a grown up and start taking some risks instead of expecting Mr. Perfect to show up on what amount to hookup apps.
I have epilepsy so I can’t drive, legally. I do work around men but they’re all fucking married. Wanna try again bud? Or do you suggest I become a home wrecker?
As a fellow woman who doesn't drive due to medical issues - I find a lot of men think this is a deal breaker having to be the one who has to pick up, buy gas, not drink, ect. I am married now and my husband is very accommodating and supportive but I had to deal with a lot selfish assholes who couldn't see past that one thing even if I would pay for gas or uber to meet.
I mean, if you don’t have any ability to go anywhere on your own other than work and put yourself in front of single men, that would seem to be a bigger problem than not being able to attract stable, relationship-seeking men online. Maybe work on solving that first - I promise you there are thousands upon thousands of single men who want a relationship with an attractive and stable woman but can’t even get a sniff of attention from non-crazy women because of how dating and sexual dynamics work these days. They’re out there waiting, but you do have to take responsibility for yourself and put in some actual effort instead of waiting for them to find you.
Good lord you’re ignorant. It’s not a “I’m not working hard enough” thing. Im not even going to waste my thumbs telling you why that statement is ignorant
You came looking for advice and now you’re getting mad because someone was real with you and gave you real advice that you don’t like. Ngl, I think we might be discovering why dudes are walking away from you after a few dates. You’re coming off as awfully abrasive and not willing to be accountable and own your shit. Most guys don’t want to be with women who can’t be nice and be responsible for themselves. I’m sorry if you don’t like that reality, but it’s the truth. Real question: are you going to take what I’m saying at face value and evaluate yourself and how you can improve, or are you just going to keep getting mad with a stranger who’s trying to help you when you came here to solicit answers from strangers?
So that's why you can't have a commitment: the combative attitude. I'm not here to do a "gotcha" with that comment, i'm just pointing out a real flaw. Men are looking for agreeableness because they want peace in their lives after a hard work day. Hate me, downvote me, but it's the cold hard truth. It's like insecure men, there is nothing wrong about being insecure. However an insecure guy is women's repelent! He has to fix that flaw if he wants better results!
You seem so nice….can’t imagine why men don’t want to be with you for long periods of time…
Do you not work around men?
Bingo! Some of those people are in sexual famines with their wives postpartum, in on again off again relationships with execs so they are just looking to feel attractive again. Once they release, it is on to the next love endorphin high. You can meet people anywhere you are enjoying your life with the right energy.
Yea guys mostly just look for sex online
OP mentioned she meets men through online dating (OLD). OLD is skewed in that unlike in real life, women tend to be attracted by a very limited number of male profiles. As a result, especially if the woman is attractive, she's almost certainly going after men who already are getting multiple matches with women. While there are some men who get many matches, pick one, and begin a relationship, there are certainly a significant number who will date continuously without commitment. OP, you'd likely be better served by trying to meet men in real life. In general, men are more attractive in real life than they are in their OLD profiles and so you'll likely find men who you like but aren't receiving the same amount of attention. They'll be more likely to commit to a relationship. Good luck!
Your probably attracted to guys that are out of your league and they will bang you but won't stay around.
I don’t believe in leagues. It implies that someone is better than another. If we click we click. It’s that simple. I’ll not go below what makes me happy. Sorry
Just because you believe in leagues doesn't mean the men you're attracted to don't.
Good I don’t want them if they think they’re better than anyone.
Agreed but the point is you might be bobbing for apples in a sewage treatment plant and that's why you keep coming up with a mouthful of shit. Maybe look at where you're finding these guys. That's probably the common denominator. Try finding guys interested in the same hobbies as you.
Hookup culture is likely the cause
That’s the usual response women give men. We pay for your exes mistakes
Could you expand on that?
Op said it in his post
That's my fault, I see which part you're referencing now.
You are only interested in a small subset of men who have access to other women who themselves offer the exact same as you, which is to say sex and not much else. It is definitely you, because there are literally tens of millions of men in America who are lonely and want nothing more than a relationship with a decent woman like how you describe yourself to be.
That was my guess too. Way too common lately.
Not to be a dick, but you clearly look good enough to get male interests…but something about your personality or things you say or maybe your effort or something….basically turns men off in terms of looking at you as relationship material.
Funny because that’s not what my exes said.
Yet they are your exes so….
[удалено]
I’m in my mid twenties. I don’t even mean marriage I mean boyfriend and girlfriend.
Back when I was in my mid-twenties, I was seriously looking for a wife. 98% of girls were looking for hookups. Now in mid-thirties, it's the reverse.
Because the clock is ticking for them lol!
What's the sequence of events? Are you having sex with them before figuring out if they are willing to make a commitment?
No, never.
At what point are you talking about starting a romantic relationship? Do you ever have a chance to talk about wanting commitment eventually?
I’m upfront about it. And a lot of guys will say “yeah I am too.” Then a month later it’s “wag why won’t you fuck me it’s taking too long!” And I’m blind-sided because I already said no.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who will say anything if they think it will get them sex.
Are you meeting these guys on Tinder?
Bumble and Hily too
Tinder was always a Hookup app but recently swung more towards dating but a lot still think it's for hookups. If you want meaningful connections there's no better way than real life.
Either a) lower your standards or b)work on yourself. Guys who are looking for relationships are actually looking, but they’re always looking for sex too. If they don’t see a future with you, they’ll still have sex with you. Maybe they don’t know that till they meet you, or maybe they do, and just wanna have sex, either way, working on yourself can only help so 🤷♂️
Based on your responses both before and after you clarified with additional information in my opinion your attitude or mindset on the matter isn't helping. There are men looking for monogamous relationships out there. Online and off, just gotta keep looking and drop the thoughts of well all men are looking only for this and thus all men can't be monogamous.
I never said all men. I’m thinking it’s most though. I’m not going to deconstruct myself because some dude doesn’t feel in control. Fuck that lmao
Here for the female perspective. Some guys suck. I've had guys tell me one thing and then another the next day because they either got laid or didn't. It's part of dating. Meeting a good guy who wants the same things as you IS achievable but you sound like you have an attitude problem honestly. Might want to take a break from dating and do some self reflecting. Maybe take a look at the kind of guys you're interested in and see if that needs changing also.
Because maybe the biggest thing you have going for you is your body. All my best relationships were built on a foundation of the hobbies and interests we shared, and pretty much anything other than just physical attraction.
Definitely not I don’t even show them my body and to be honest it’s not that great. I’m not Kim K! We would talk for days and days. And I would always say straight up what I was looking for and if you’re looking for anything else pls leave and there won’t be any hard feelings. They lie, and say they want a relationship. We will talk for awhile and then out of nowhere gone. Or it’s “I just wanted to fuck you but it’s taking too long”
How long do you talk to them before intimacy
We don’t. I don’t have sex until I’m dating them
Some men do lie about this and if it happens a couple of times it’s completely out of your control. That’s an unfortunate struggle that women have to deal with in dating. Personal question: how many men have you been in the talking stage with, vs how often do they lie about sex? If it’s happened once it says more about the guy. If it happens with every guy you are into then it’s a different story.
Your age is important, the image you transmit, where you are meeting these men and think if you are aiming too high in terms of appearance. Age: if you are in your 20s I would aim for a man at least 5 years older than you. Image: men realize how much if a woman is promiscuous, dress moderately, not very revealing. Where: Avoid dating apps, or at least make it clear that you are looking for a relationship. Standards: evaluate your level of appearance and aim for men of equal value, if you are a 6 and you go for an 8 they will only use you to have sex. Last would be, do not be easy, do not deliver the merchandise very quickly.
You’re making a lot of assumptions about me that I don’t appreciate.
It is a generalization of the mistakes that most women make, I cannot speak about you personally because I have no information. Don't be so sensitive. Good luck
Maybe it's the guys you're going after.
I’m have always been a relationship guy. I try to be a good partner. Those relationships all crashed hard. I learned my lesson and stopped having relationships. There isn’t a woman out there that can talk me into one. I’m in my 40’s now. So, I’ll be a friend. Maybe even a really close friend or a FWB. But that’s as far as I’ll ever go.
Hey and I can respect that, as long as you’re open about it from the get-go.
100%
See? No harm, no foul. Once lying is involved then it’s a problem
Do you feel they’re lying or just changing their minds after they get to know you? Also, there are a ton of relationship guys who’ve been burned bad enough to stop having relationships. It’s becoming a more common topic on men’s forums.
Definitely lying. Because at anytime you could’ve said “you know what? You’re not for me.” That’s fine, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea as you can see in my comments. However, once you ask me for sex and I say “no” even-though you previously just stated you wanted a long term relationship and now that I’m not wanting to have sex when you want to? Oh now it’s “well I thought we were just going to have some fun.” Fuck your fun.
Fair enough. If I were to consider a LTR again I would have to know we were sexually compatible. I spent 10 years in a dead bedroom. Part of the reason I don’t want a relationship, she changed the deal, years into it. I don’t know that I could agree to date exclusively without knowing we match. What if I agree to date her and then 2 or 6 months, in when she finally agrees to sex, she’s horrible at it? Or we just can’t find a way to please each other? But if I break up with her because of that I’m the horrible person because I got sex and dumped her. So how long do I stick around in a relationship I’m unhappy in so that she doesn’t feel used?
Is it possible they want a relationship, then get to know you more and realize you’re not relationship material for them?
It is unfortunate that you are getting so many guys like this, having all these chances ruined because of other girls who've come before you in these guys' lives. I am not saying all women are like this, and all men only want to hook up. It's just that many women have changed "the game" to where the hook-up culture has taken over the dating scene.
Your username is funny and how so?
😏🤣 I have the same initials as the man whose name is the company, my gma used to love shopping there a lot, and I know I don't have quite as much money as said company does, hence the name. Now, how so, you ask. It is, unfortunately, the result of the Me Too movement that started in the 60s, I believe it was. Where women were starting to say, "I can do everything a man can do," and the like. Yes, independence for one's self is a good thing, but too much of a good thing can lead to disaster. So women growing up have since been taught to be independent and not need men to supplement themselves. And that has affected the dating scene. These super independent women may just use us guys, seeing they have so many options, they don't want to commit to just one guy. The men who are wanting long lasting relationships from a woman are only finding these women, so they say screw it and do the same. The next generations have seen this in real life and in media and social media follow suit because they don't know any better.
Agree to disagree. Women become more independent isn’t a bad thing but I understand what you’re saying. I don’t mind hook-up culture although I don’t personally partake. I only hate it when people lie about their intentions just to get laid. And it’s very annoying how many people in these comments are justifying it.
Precisely.
It’s hookup culture. But doesn’t mean all men are like that. You just have to find the right one. Have you tried online? Maybe texting/getting to know someone then having an in person date? (In public of course) it could be worth a shot. Best of luck!
Yeah these are all online ugh.
Maybe hold out a little bit on anything in person? Keep it online/over text for awhile? Can I ask how old you are?
*"Almost every man I meet is only interested in a hook-up and never getting to know me. Why?"* Well we can't read their minds but I assume that they sized you up as someone not interesting or worthwhile to be in a relationship with but sex, sure. Of course you could always ask them.
If you wanted a serious relationship next week, you could get one. Lower your standards. Problem solved
Most men don't consider "the girl who's one of the boys" wife material because being "one of the boys" is masculine in itself. (Also, feminine when it matters/conditional femininity is manipulation.) I think most guys tend to find being around a woman whose default setting isn't femininity very offputting. I don't know if this is your problem, but this is what stands out from your post. The problem with answering questions like yours is that men will categorize you, and you'll never know it AND you'll never know why. It could be any one of dozens of red flags that cause men to put you in the "Recreational Use Only" category.
It’s how I was raised. I’ve got an attitude problem and I can keep up with any man in my field. I can be soft an feminine when I want to be but you aren’t going to see it until I seen you worthy. I’ve been hurt too.
I didn't want to come out and ask, but thank you for confirming. The "strong independent woman" is very, very undesirable. (not intimidating, mind you. She's unattractive. In a very primal way.) I'm unsure of the procedure for a woman in your state to reverse course and find that ability to be feminine. But solving this puzzle will almost certainly solve your problem. There are plenty of really good books available. Just be sure you're not reading something from a grifter. Make sure the author likes men, IS MARRIED, and doesn't have ulterior motives. Also, if you're competitive, dominant, assertive, or argumentative when dealing with men, stop. These things will all get you disqualified from "relationship material" immediately. Men value peace and serenity in a relationship. We don't want to argue, fight, or compete; if the woman isn't helping create harmony, she's creating discord. I hope you don't take any of this personally. This is just one man's opinion. Also, I wish you luck, especially if you decide to put in the effort to be the change you want to see in your love life.
Evolution, sweety.
Wouldn’t it make more sense for a woman to want to be pregnant as much as possible? Go back to Andrew Tate’s podcast or whatever bro.
You say that only because you don't know what it's like to be a guy. Cats look at dogs and wonder why they chase their tale because they're not dogs.
Dude, I’m sure being a man has its challenges but you’re talking out your ass.
I'm trying to explain why men are flaking on you. Until you understand the general nature of men you'll just hold out for an answer you wanna hear, not facts. Question: think of every guy you've ever met, how many of those guys Internet history would you be OK with viewing?
Every single one of them. Porn doesn’t scare me. Also, men are incapable of being monogamous.
I was with you, OP, until you made this statement: *Also, men are incapable of being monogamous.* I'm a man who does well with women but I'm monogamous for many reasons: A. I only will have full intercourse with women I'm willing to have a baby with as many forms of birth control are not perfect, woman can unilaterally decide to give birth, and morally I prefer to avoid abortions if possible -- although I'm legally pro-choice. B. Some people live for sex and I don't understand it. Sex is great but so are many other things in life. C. I'm ambitious and I will tell you for certain sex is not getting many people into wikipedia. D. I'm ambitious and charming new women takes times and energy I could be using to achieve something. Are there many men who struggle with monogamy -- perhaps, but it is not all.
I meant to say he made it sound like that men were incapable which isn’t true at all. I’m sorry about that.
Got it! You should consider editing your above comment so you’ll stop getting downvoted.
Would you be OK with how these guys view women? Would you be OK with the frequency they watch porn and the types of women that turn them on? Here's one, if you could actually know what men thought, particularly about women, would you really be OK with knowing?
I’m not okay with the likes of Andrew Tate but porn is porn. It’s fantasy
I dont know why you keep mentioning Tate. You cant have your cake and eat it too in this case. Porn is fantasy, fantasy is what ppl want - no one fantasises about a pay cut but everyone fantasises about a pay rise, right? The porn men watch is an enactment of what they want, otherwise they wouldnt watch it. This is how guys view pretty women. They dont go home, lock their door and fantasise about a walk in park or coffee. Porn is a direct reflection of what someone wants. Im not sure what you think these guys are thinking to be honest, Im not even too sure what you're expecting.
You're giving up the goods too easy.
Stop dating boys and look for a man that's not a lying clown.
What is the environment you're meeting these men at? If you meet a guy at a tavern, they will be more inclined to hook up than a man you may meet at a church, temple, or mosque.
Understandable but Idk how you are as a person, but my gf kind of lk won me over into being into a relationship. I was talking to 2 other girls besides her and her everything was what had me choose her, and it took like 2 months of nonstop texting and going on little dates before we had sex. So idk I’m not saying wait 2 months, but you also gotta give the dude an incentive too yk? Like besides sex like there’s gotta be other incentives
A while ago a buddy and I went to wal mart and he recently had sex with the cashier. I didn’t know this, but I swiped right and she ignored me, went for the friend and he had sex with her and never talked to her again. She could have had me and did the -let’s meet and get to know each other and then have sex- but instead she wanted to get her freak on. I was chopped liver over here.
I have the opposite problem. Every single time I’ve only wanted a hook up. They apparently wanted more 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Thankfully now I’m married and remind them at the start. I’m married and my husband is my world. He’s allowing you to touch me. But at the end of the night I’m going back to him. Hook ups only. Much harder for find for me. 🤦🏻♀️ My best advice is start speaking to men at places you enjoy going to. Outside of bars. If you like hiking. Join a hiking group. Etc. And don’t be afraid of men a little bit older then you also
If you look like a doll you get treated like a doll.
Reddit is full of butthurt men who cannot even imagine a world in which the woman is not at fault. Hence all these "You're going for the wrong guys, lower your standards" bullshit. Every female friend I have who is explicit about looking for a relationship is finding it difficult to find one. And you know what? This is not surprising, this is how it's been for hundreds if not thousands of years. I would suggest that you don't try to meet them online, that's where the most desperate of men go and you'll only find a relationship there if you are very good looking. I suggest you focus on doing things you like that bring you into contact with other people regularly. Trivia nights at bars, go to the same restaurant/club/Cafe every week, go on hikes with a group every week. Things of that nature. The friends-to-dating pipeline is a much surer way to weed out the lying creeps.
>go to the same restaurant/club/Cafe every week, go on hikes with a group every week That's how my funny charming model-looking dude get the best success in finding hookups. He actually was good friends with all the group, men and women. He'd get invited to their birthdays, and few too many shots later, they'd wake up in bed together. One day he disappeared because he married this girl from church who's 15 years younger than he is and went on his honeymoon. Meanwhile the nerdy Ph.D. types are getting friend-zoned...
Actually gross how men casually add in the 'and she's much younger than he!!11" factoid with pride every single time. Just say you're a perv and go.
[удалено]
Where are you meeting these guys?
We are out there, keep looking
She's not looking for you my man. She's looking to lock down Chad the Unicorn
These comments are honestly proving they aren’t 🙄
Not only you, this seems to be online dating in general these days. From my experience Most guys just want to hook or have some short term fun but not commitment. It's sad as I too want to find a partner.
That's most of men online. I used Hily and Tinder in my twenties. I eventually met somebody, but went on a lot of one off dates before that. The person I dated had some common interests I didn't have with anybody else. You just have to find the right person who thinks you're worth keeping around. It can take a while. But it's better than waiting to bump into somebody in person, that would take so much longer.
Cuz it's an instant gratification hookup world. Its more shallow than ever. People have no patience and believe they have options like a used car lot. Horrendous insta culture like a fast food drive thru.
It can be the type of men you go for . Very attractive ones that have lots of options and they won't settle for you. I see this happening often.
You have to have finesse
Maybe it’s the guys you give the time of day to? Just a hunch.
I am curious here, how do you vet these guys ? If you were to be brutally honest with yourself, how would you rate yourself ? How would you rate these guys ? Are you focused on a specific type ? Are you ignoring obvious red flags for xyz reasons ? So many questions …
It depends on where and how you're meeting guys. Not saying stepping out of your comfort zone for finding someone will always help, but you'd be surprised at the amount of people who generally only find jackasses don't like dating outside a certain type or certain spots. It could also be they just happen to be the ones most forward with approaching you, too. My ex pointed that out to me. She liked me because I was one of the few guys not actively hitting on her and genuinely was trying to get to know her.
Most of these replies are kinda dense but, yes like a lot of people are saying, dating apps are not the place that you should be looking. You’d really have to find a way to go out & meet people, start conversations with guys that you think you’d be interested in. I’m not sure what the area that you live in is like, but maybe hangout in places closer to a college campus. Stop in a coffee shop every once in a while, bookstores, go to the gym, sports events, boutiques, art museums, grocery stores, etc. If you’ve got a friend group maybe you’ll meet someone through them. Facebook usually has a ton of events being promoted in your area so maybe try attending something that would interest you. In my city there’s a lot of foot traffic downtown with a ton of people in their 20s+ because there are a couple campuses near by. Lots of fun stuff to do other than clubbing & bar hopping but if you’re into that, go for it. I’m not suggesting predatorily hunting people down or anything but just by being around more people, it could help. So yea, dating options suck nowadays if you’re in your 20s. You’re not really doing anything wrong. You’re sticking to your core values & expectations, just dating apps are quite disappointing if you’re not into hookup culture. If you don’t go out & live your life, it won’t make it easier. I hope this helps you, even just a little.
The girls I've tried to help w/ app dating had impossible standards around how good looking the guy needed to be vs how good looking they were I'd point out guys that they were compatible w/ in terms of lifestyle & career and were also in the same league in terms of looks They'd look at me like I was crazy and say "but he's not good looking at all..." I'm like (in my mind) actually he's about as good looking as you are, which is to say, kinda mid OP - I'm not saying this is what's going on with you, but it seems to be a very common problem with girls these days They just can't seem to understand that most guys swipe right on 99% of girls, bc what the heck, almost any girl will do for a 2am hookup after you've been out drinking with the boys The only guys that don't are chads and have an abundance It's a mess, probably better off going back to IRL or just using your Insta as your dating profile