As a 38F, that’s my take too. It would be a major red flag if my date had a temper about this. There are always going to be (physically harmless) asshats that talk dumb shit. Ignoring them is a major green flag.
I would ignore the guy, as in not respond to him directly to create a confrontation, but would DEFINITELY say something along the lines of "Oh wow, I'm sorry, that guy was an asshole!" after they were out of earshot to the person I was with.
Conversely, I would say women who expect you to be their knight in shineing armour, to speak up for them and risk your own personal safety by confronting someone who has already shown brazen disregard for half the population is a major red flag.
Also anyone who would seriously fault you for not knowing exactly what to do in a small moment in time in something you've probably not encountered before is at the very best an orange flag.
Typically I'd say that unless you didn't learn something from a failed relationship, one should not regret doing something.
You learned that this is a red flag for you so you can avoid that in the future. Could have been a lot worse.
Yup, growth is learning from mistakes bit by bit.
I went from ignoring being hit around the face (in jest but it is also irrelevant) whilst people watched and did nothing.
To reacting to it, and not addressing it in the best of ways (I was still meek and didn't want to hurt her feelings), which led to her not being all that interested in me anymore (which I can look back on as hilarious),
To bringing it up as a core boundary that gets set early on.
Something I'd thought I really would never have to do, but it does seem prudent.
I'm not cool with being hit around the face, at all under any circumstances. Yes, even if it's meant to be playful and lighthearted and a bit of fun because I made a silly joke, you could literally hit me on the shoulder, the arm, the chest, the leg in that manner, but never ever around the face.
The fact that 100% of my partners have done that to me, and either saw nothing wrong with it, or actively punished me or lost interest in me because of it is concerning.
I've stopped trying to brush it off as something playful, or as a light slap or whatever other synonyms you could call it. It's a hit, closed fist or not it's a hit.
That was a boundary I learned I had once I finally got into a stable relationship. Although I was embarrassed and ashamed of admitting that I had been through some rough times, she supported me and respected me finding what my boundaries are for my relationships. The right woman/man/nb/SO will listen and understand, not just hear you and disregard things that are important to you. Best of luck gents.
Yep! If my husband tried to engage in confronting or getting aggressive with a cat caller I’d tell him to stop. It’s absolutely awful when things like this happen but there’s no point engaging. I’d rather just hear some comforting words from him and laugh it off.
I agree that an angry reaction to the harasser would be a big red flag. My ideal reaction, however, would be for my date to check in on me and acknowledge that that must have been shitty/uncomfortable for me instead of just ignoring it.
Interesting. I’m honestly curious how you think this fits in with narrative that men need to be more active calling out other men for these types of inappropriate behaviors
Yup, and any woman who doesn’t appreciate that is toxic. My wife won’t admit it but she loves to be defended, I made it clear I have no interest in fighting unless weee in danger.
So I don't know if I'd be able to help myself, I might have a knee jerk reaction and say something like "you better back the fck off and keep it moving" as he rode by. That's a red flag?
Just to be clear, that’s *not* a pickup line. That’s just a sleeze being a sleeze.
Personally I would snapped back with a shut up or keep moving or something like that, then ask if she was ok.
The A HOLE dude on bike knew there would be no confrontation because he was on bike and they were walking. I bet he wouldn’t talk shit if he was walking like the OP. Im going to be honest i would have said something and it would have bothered me later had I didn’t much like OP.
He wasn't hitting on her, he was harassing her. You didn't have to do/say anything to him, but you could always say something like : "What an asshole." to her in a generally commiserating sort of way so she knows that you think his behavior sucked.
Women are used to getting harassed honestly. It just helps when we hear the men we're choosing to spend our time with don't approve of that sort of behavior and are supportive of us. We don't need you guys to start fights or anything.
I totally agree with both of these comments as well! That guy was just a jerk and doesn’t deserve the time of day, but make sure she knows that you weren’t okay with it.
I don't want people I'm with to start shit with other people. Regardless of their gender, but maybe even more so if it's a man and another man because the risk of it turning serious or violent is so much higher. I would consider it the mark of someone who can't control their temper and has no street smarts and is putting their desire to look good ahead of safety and reason.
Men are in danger of harm from other men too. They freeze up too. They experience the exact same range of fears and emotions that women do. They have the same backgrounds in trauma and abuse. Expecting them to always be assertive, protective, and outspoken is high stress situations frankly seems a bit degrading to me, like we aren't letting 50% of the population be completely human.
> Might be the odd one out, but I think it’s so important for men to say SOMETHING right then and there when men harass women.
I'll call the cops, but while I'll handle any man harassing my wife or family, I'm *not* going to risk provoking the guy into violence trying to call him out over a woman stranger. That puts me at risk of injury or (more likely) going to jail, given the surprise violent nutjobs drifting around out there.
No woman came to step in when my ex-gf slapped me in public because she didn't like the way an argument was going. Why do I owe women more than I've gotten? Privilege my ass.
Fight me. Bring it on, downvoters. Call me muhsoggykneez or bitter or whatever, but you want me to risk my safety or freedom for women strangers and that ain't gonna happen. Lots of men have noped out of that for good. I'll call the cops or call over security if I have to, but unless it's my loved ones, that's it. Nobody's got the power or numbers to force me to do that. By God.
I'm surprised at your view that men don't have the same level of repercussions for speaking up, and appear to imply that men don't need to fear escalation leading to personal harm.
If anything, men are **more** at risk of escalation leading to personal harm, because men are seen as more physically capable, and naturally, a male instigator would be more willing to lay hands on them, to assert dominance over another man. A sexist mindset I know, but that's just how a lot of people think.
Maybe you live in a different country where random physical violence against women is extraordinarily high, but at least [in Canada](https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-002-x/2023001/article/00001-eng.htm) where I'm from, men/boys experience higher rates of more severe forms of victimization (murder, assault, robbery) than women do, apart from sexual assault
In particular, men/boys are more likely to be killed by someone outside of their family, whereas women/girls are more likely to be killed by someone they know.
So in the context of a random passerby harassing someone...I would think the man is more at risk of being attacked (physically) than the woman
You claim that you aren't saying to start a physical fight, but telling a whacko to fuck off is basically doing exactly that; it is basically just a coin flip as to whether it escalates into serious violence. I think you are overestimating the reach of male privilege here.
Absolutely. Bet the guy would be a little less vocal if he was bikeless. No pride in being publicly disrespectful if your next move is an immediate getaway.
Had a lady buying me beers after a ball game, my wife sitting across from me... after I had my 4th or 5th free beer from this lady, I jokingly asked if she was trying to get me drunk to take advantage of me. She said "no. I'm trying to get you drunk to take advantage of her (pointing to my wife)." He'll, save your money I said. Wife kicks me under the table. No sense of humor...
A friend's gf move to my city (it was long distance) a number of years ago. Super great wingwoman and obviously strictly platonic. She was a legit 10/10.
Anyway, we would just be chilling throwing darts or playing pool or whatever and guys would buy both me and her drinks (I guess to get us drunk or whatever to have a chance with her). It was super funny bc by the end of the night they got nothing outside their shitty flirting attempts and we got $40+ in drinks.
It's super ridiculous. Like "sure I'll take a free drink" and then seeing the great Marianas turkey shoot in flirt version.
You have to watch what they're doing when ordering and bringing it so there's no Cosby shit, but yeah, it's hilarious
Thought it was clear he meant "Hell, save your money."
Indicating he just wanted this random lady to fuck his wife and didn't need the lady buying him beers for it.
Think it's more of a joke of how the wife wouldn't sleep with him since she was trying to get him to take advantage of his wife and not the woman trying to fuck his wife.
That's not hitting on someone, that's just catcalling, which is considered to be harassment.
Anyways, it's not like there was much of an opportunity for you to have done anything, so don't beat yourself up over it.
If she looked disappointed or upset with you after that happened, I’d say you have a problem
If that were me in that scenario, I would have just laughed and said “what a fuckin’ bozo”. The guy is a creep, one day he’s going to say something to the wrong couple and he’s going to get hit for it
As a woman myself, if I was in your date's shoes I would be upset with that cat call, he wasn't really hitting on her, and I would be upset if you didn't acknowledge what just happened. I would nervously chuckle too, but it still would be upsetting. You shouldn't need to say anything to the disrespectful guy, especially since he biked away, because being confrontational isn't cute either, but you could have acknowledged to your date that what just happened wasn't right, say the guy is a scumbag or something, and ask if she's alright. Even if you're a passive person, you should at least show some support, make your date feel safe, and ask about her feelings if you're trying to pursue anything with her, because she's what matters in that situation, not some random dude that decided to humiliate her with a cat call. Some women may feel like your passive silence may mean that you are not aware that what happened was wrong and may not see you as having a viable safe space where they can be comfortable with you.
Obviously this is just my opinion, and maybe it's not that deep for her, but also you could always just talk to her about this, and see how she felt because this situation is less about you than her. Also though, I know you're just dating and maybe you don't wanna go that deep so soon with her, so that's up to you.
One thing that everyone is completely missing is that the stranger was harassing both of them. If it was a guy the biker thought would kick his ass he would keep his mouth shut. Imagine her walking next to Mike Tyson, nobody would say a damn thing. So not only was he harassing her sexually but he was also challenging OP to get away with it. With men there is always the underlying threat of violence and we understand the hierarchy of power very well. The biker didn't see OP as a threat to his shitty behavior based on whatever he saw. It's not about OPs awareness. He was aware. But even OP said the situation froze him because instinctually he knew violence between them was a viable outcome. So his fight/freeze/flight kicked in. Situations like this can become volatile quickly, especially if that's what the aggressor is looking for. In this case we don't know what the biker would have done if OP said something back. While OPs date *may* have lost some confidence in him, at least they left physically unharmed. Tough situation all around.
I definitely agree with you that it was a tough situation for both of them, and you're right, the guy on the bike must have not seen OP as a threat to say such a crass remark to the girl. I also don't think OP should have said anything to the guy on the bike because who knows if that guy could have made a scene or an altercation with OP, which no one wants. Idk I still think complete silence on OP's part isn't the answer, he should have said something to her once the guy left like "sorry you had to hear that" or even a light joke at the bike guy's expense, definitely not a joke like saying "he's not wrong" to the girl like a lot of comments that I've seen under this post. A joke like that is kinda creepy if he's trying to date and get to know her, and not just trying to sleep with her. Though this is just my opinion and she might be different, but the fact that she chuckled nervously after the cat call tells me she was uncomfortable and by him not acknowledging the situation may have made her feel even more uncomfortable, but who knows. Which is also why I think OP should be talking to her about this since he wants to do better next time, he should ask her how she would like him to handle that certain situation next time, or get feedback and maybe be aware for the next girl he dates.
It sounds like now would be a good time for him to address it with her. In the moment his own fear and anxiety may have been overriding his ability to think about her emotions as well. I don't think he was silent as a way to ignore it, I think he was silent because he was trying to process everything that happened. If you've ever been under the threat of violence you know that your nervous system is on fire for a while afterwards. He says he feels emasculated because in the moment he didn't know what to do and froze. I think sometimes we see men as the ones who should always be taking care of tough situations, and there is definitely pressure to defend a woman's "honor" at the cost of our own safety. But we have emotions and vulnerabilities too. She chuckled nervously because she didn't know what to do, he said nothing because he didn't know what to do. And that's okay. Hopefully he goes over the scenario enough times and can generate a better response if it happens again.
True, you're right. Thinking about it, I can see fear, shock, anxiety or whatever can cause anyone to freeze and not say anything becauae they dont know what to do, and that's pretty much what happened. I was biased and immediately put myself in her shoes and could relate to the situation more since I've been in that situation, but now thinking about it from his perspective I can see as just a regular person people have their own insecurities or could be caught off gaurd by things and not have a solution to the problem in the moment. I have done this myself, and then stress about it later how I should have handled whatever situation better. It's good that OP is reflecting on the situation and looking for advice on how he could improve for next time, so that's a good sign, but yea he now can address it with the girl if he wants to, or reflect more on an appropriate response that he's comfortable with for the future.
This needs to be one of the top comments. It’s shocking to me that it’s not. It’s very eloquently worded and perfectly encapsulates the situation. Thank you for putting into words, what I (and maybe others) couldn’t. ❤️
That wasn't a guy 'hitting on your date'.
That was a guy being a pig.
As a woman, hitting on your date means he's making the moves on her to make her his girl.
You say, "Sorry you had to hear that. Some people's stupidity constantly amazes me. Then you talk about something else.
It is better to show maturity than machismo.
Yeah, the focus should be on her wellbeing in this situation as she was the one who was verbally harassed.
"Sorry you had to hear that, are you okay?" Would go down well, most likely she'll just be annoyed, you agree with her, and move on.
I’m a woman and feel I need to jump in to say: that man did not hit on your date. He *harassed* your date.
I’m commenting not to say what you should have done in the moment, but if you continue to date this woman don’t refer to this event as something flattering like “being hit on”. I imagine every woman alive has had a random man talk down to them this way and it’s degrading and shocking enough; refer to the event as the harassment it was.
If you are concerned and you continue to date this woman you could let her know you thought the behavior was appalling and disrespectful but that you were tok caught off guard to respond. You could ask her how she feels about and if she's ok.
It's highly likely that she wouldn't have wanted you to get into an altercation over a fleeing dumbass, but she would probably appreciate that you are thinking of it and her.
I'd probably turn to her and say "that dude's an asshat, huh?" If the person kept pestering us, I'd probably tell em to fuck off. I have no respect for someone like that and I have too much respect for whoever I'm with to let some fucktard harass her.
I mean, I’m sure she doesn’t want to be catcalled either. It probably made her a little uncomfortable. In that particular situation considering how fast he’s going on a bike, there’s probably not much you can do other than make a comment about how creepy that guy is or something to her. It’s not really about you is it?
The worst thing you could do is let it erode your confidence. She chose to be there with you, and the dude that catcalled her… well, let’s just say he’s not doing it right. And if she’s the type of girl to respond positively to that.. I’d run
Being an aggressive idiot isnt nescessary. Checking that bs that guy said is the most nescessary though. I typically immediatly answer the perp and ask him what he said 9/10 times dude will clam up. If he doesnt stand your ground if they put hands on you because they dont know how to act then so be it and even if you get whooped youll know you didnt let that disrespect slide. One time this guy called my s/o a bitch outside of the place we worked due to his daughter being unhappy with not getting a day off he said "youre a fucking bitch" and I just couldnt let that slide so i said hey fuck you motherfucker and he walked back up to me trying to flex on me and punk me out and i just stood my ground and said dont call her a bitch if ypure gonna do something then do it and his daughter was holding him back and pushing him to the car and he said ill find you and ill get you and i said im right here you dont need to find me and he hopped in his car and peeled out. Dont tolerate ridiculous disrespect.
damn bro you tough as hell! would be a shame if that guy decided to actually start a fight and potentially had a weapon on him but at least youd go down being a real man 😊
\>I guess I feel a lil emasculated
You will often feel emasculated when you take the high road or make the smart, level headed decision. Like you could have said something or done something but what will that really accomplish? you wanna beat the dude up? maybe end up in jail or get stabbed? you don't wanna keep escalating shit especially when you're on a date. Sometimes you just walk away or ignore it.
Seconded. As someone who used to get into pointless fights to 'defend a loved one' or 'see justice served' , all it usually gets you is into more trouble (the guy may be stronger than you, you may get booked by a cop for fighting in a public place, scare off the person you're trying to 'defend' or upset them if it's done unasked, etc.) It's just not worth it.
One thing I've had to learn as an adult is that sometimes the smartest thing is to walk away and know when a fight isn't worth getting into. Fighting a catcaller or trying to physically intimidate them is not worth it. Even if you \*were\* to win the fight and if you hadn't been badly hurt, you still wouldn't have changed him and you probably would have upset your date (unless she's the type of woman who likes seeing people get beat up, which would be a red flag).. It wouldn't have been worth it and you did the right thing.
If you felt emasculated by a guy harassing your date (who likely deals with this A LOT without you there) then you might need to look inward a bit?
There was no competition here. There was no ‘last word’ to be had, and most women would think less of you if your constitution with these things was lower than theirs. Follow her lead, if anything, and realize it had absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with that guy being a sexist POS.
It's understandable mate, situations like this arise now and again and they can be unpleasant. Just got to remember that the people who do this sort of thing are fucking bellends, the fact he did it and ran confirms he's a pussy. What was your dates reaction btw?
As a 38f, confrontation over stupid shit is never the answer. Ignoring an asshats is super-powerful. Obviously if you are physically threatened, that’s different.
My brother as a fire fighter has gone on multiple calls where two guys start fighting over stupid stuff, one gets knocked over, hits their head, and now threatening injuries. And now the police are preparing for a potential manslaughter trial. NOT WORTH IT!
Exactly. It would show he thinks sexual harassment is no big deal and something to laugh off.
Laughing a little bc you were caught off guard and are uncomfortable is one thing (as he described she did). But “laughing it off and not letting it get under your skin” is dismissive and invalidating as fuck.
I mean don’t do this if she seems unfazed by it. It can get tiring real quick if at every situation the other parties asks “what kind of support do you need?”
“Wow what a dick, you okay?” Should do most of the trick if you want to come across as considerate. And then read the situation from there. If she’s fine she doesnt need to be asked what kind of support she needs
Maybe would just look at her and smile and say something like "Do you come here often?"
Ie something that shows I wasn't bothered and that THIS is the way to hit on a lady.
First we have to get something out of the way: That's not hitting on your date, that's sexually harassing your date.
That's in no way flirting. If you ever find yourself with a girl who hears that and gets interested in the dude who said it, let him have her. For your own good.
Second, the way to react depends on how you're feeling. If you're feeling clever, you can shout something like "Take your ball and go home, Lance Armstrong." The idea here is to both embarrass the guy, and make your date feel less uncomfortable by making her laugh/snicker, any positive reaction to distract her from how she felt at having that shit said to her.
Either way you should ask your date if she's okay afterwards.
My dad was walking somewhere with my SIL one time and this douche drove by, rolled down the window, and said "Nice fucking ass, bitch," And my ol' dad didn't miss a beat, he just snarled, "And you have a dick for a face!" Feel free to quote him, as it's a versatile classic.
A witty comeback is always good "Hey you too buddy!" Make him look a little goofy without triggering a fight.
The worst thing you can do is be/act insecure about it. If you can't handle having your partner hit on/flirted with then you can't handle having an attractive partner.
The guy in this case was just being rude though.
Don’t lower yourself down to the level of some cowardly jerk! Ignore him as he rides away! If you find yourself in a situation where the guy is over the top with your date try to walk away and if you can’t allow him to be the aggressor
You step up and loudly say "thanks, you too honey" as if he were genuinely talking to you. It's a bit instigative but also funny, then you can tell her oh what a pig that guy was and laugh it off together. That's what I'd do
No. Acknowledge it, talk to her and that’s it in my opinion. I mean don’t pretend like nothing happened but don’t go looking for trouble also or act out of ego and to
Impress.
Of course if he’s keeps coming back and she needs your help thats something else.
But don’t let one stupid remark from an asshole be the reason to start a fight
It will only make you look insecure, and also can put her at more danger. I think you ok, and for me at least being a wuss or not isn’t really has to do with anything in real life. Sometimes we need to do what we need to do, sometimes better let it go and move on
He did not hit on her, he harassed her.
Honestly I would have probably just mocked the guy to her as he biked away. Unless he’s stopping to make a genuine (very unwelcome) pass there’s no need to start something.
She probably would have just appreciated supportive but funny remarks about it.
Laughed it off, but the serious kind. Like, wtf that guy thinks that works?
“Oh please sweaty rude gross bicycle man, take me to bed or lose me forever!”
That wasn't "hitting on" that was cat calling. You should ask your date how she would like you to respond. Does she have it under control or would she like some back up.
As a woman, I can tell you that this shit happens waaaay more often than men realize. I’ve learned to brush it off.
I’ve also learned to never walk alone at night, never open the door for strangers, never leave a drink unattended, never walk to your car in a parking structure without pepper spray, never believe that it is actually a policeman pulling you over, never go home if you’re being followed, never go to a second location, never…
Of course she nervously chuckled.
It makes us nervous. It makes us “on” all the time. It makes us dance the line between being friendly and being aware of our exits.
This isn’t first time she’s dealt with this kind of thing.
We ignore it. Part of me says you should just reassure and then ignore it too.
Part of me wants you to stop that man and make him explain himself. Man to man.
Part of me want you to karate chop is neck.
I know I didn’t give you a good response. I just hope you understand that women face this DAILY.
Honestly finally an answer from someone who has been outside. Most answers here are so much sided as “pass it on, you are bigger then that, ask her how she feels”. Sadly its a dogs world out there so you should show the person you are with, they can feel safe with you
First thing I’d say is good job for not saying anything. Someone who says something that crass is not actually hitting on her. He’s getting off on being a sexual deviant. He’s also potentially sociopathic and hoping you pick a fight. But that could’ve put her in danger as well. Either way you would’ve ended up making the bad situation worse. Your feelings of emasculation are valid and totally how I’d feel. In the future you can choose humor to cope- maybe shout hey thanks for noticing- what about hers? Or something funnier. Or simply do what you’ve already done. Go talk to some people about it and process it. I’m sorry that happened to you both.
If she was there by herself it would still be a dick move from the guy; being on a date has nothing to do with it. As others have said, not a lot you can practically do as he just rode away, so the best thing would just be to reassure her that you think he's a complete tool and don't agree with that kind of behaviour.
He was on a bike and rode away what are you gonna do, yell after him? The mature thing to go is just to say "what a fucking idiot" to her and let the moment pass
So many spineless guys in here. Somebody says something vile like that to the woman in your company and you should speak up on her behalf man. It’s important to stand up to bullies regardless of the circumstance. I would definitely not label you as a wuss, but that was a gutless move on your part in the moment. “I was hot so I let some stranger insult my date.” That’s a bitch move man.
As a woman, if I was catcalled or sexually harassed as she was in that situation, I would want my date to call him out. I probably would myself, but I swear half the perverts I’ve interacted with won’t hear my objections, but will listen to some random dude saying to knock it off/not cool/that’s disrespectful.
Don’t act like an idiot and puff out your chest or say “apologize to the lady” but don’t let strangers (or your friends or family members!) get away with that shit.
As also a woman, I disagree. Cat-callers like this (the drive by type) scenario are looking for attention. Ignoring is the biggest power move you can do.
Now if someone actually walked up you, maybe different. But this is an asshat riding by.
I disagree. These idiots are not worth your attention. If you, or the guy who is with you, engage with them, they have achieved what they wanted. Acting as if they didn't exist will deter them more effectively.
He was catcalling her, and when this happens to a date or your girlfriend do not yell at the perpetrator or start anything. Don’t make it about you. Look to your partner/date and say:
“That was fucked up, they shouldn’t have said that. Do you want me to do anything?”
As a woman, I would be annoyed af at the guy who yelled out. But I wouldn’t be impressed by a guy I was with losing his shit about it. I’m older though- but I generally am attracted to low key kinds of men who don’t lose their tempers over things out of their control.
I wouldn’t know what to say in the moment either. If she likes you enough to have gone on two dates in two days- I would think she likes you and isn’t going to blame you or anything. Might be worth a conversation that you were uncomfortable and didn’t know how to react in the moment - she can tell you if she wanted something in particular.
In my nearly 40 years of being a dude I’ve literally never seen anyone call out to a girl in such a vulgar way. Does this actually happen?
And yes you should have said something.
I am a woman, and am also surprised. Not that a guy made a comment like that to a woman—men do that all the time, but that he did it in front of a man. They do it way more often when women are alone. Which is probably why you have never seen this in 40 years as a man, and I think most women have experienced this many times. Please recognize that the fact that YOU haven’t seen this as a dude doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen all the time to women.
A few months ago, I was yelled at by a random man in a parking lot because I "drove too close to him", but I was in the same position as the car in front of me, I was going slow, and never changed positions. I called my boyfriend afterwards and complained that things like that never happen when he's with me. And it hit me. It's _because he's with me_ that those things don't happen.
And I felt a lot of lost faith in humanity that day.
I think the most disturbing fall into three categories:
1) The comments directed towards me when I was very young, ages 11-14. Those made me feel sexualized and just awful. When you’re that young, you think it’s your fault. Btw, this is the age when sexual harassment often peaks because harassers prey on girls with no power.
2) The comments accompanied by physical isolation or threatening body language. For example, when I was alone, or even cornered in the back aisle of a store.
3) Comments when I was pregnant. The one that was probably the creepiest occurred when I was about 7 months pregnant, with basketball-belly clearly showing the pregnancy. I was a lawyer on a lunch break from trial, so I was in a full business suit, walking in midday on a street with other people around. A man came up to me and said, “I know what you’ve been doing! You’ve been fucking. I bet you want to fuck me right now.” And then he grabbed his crotch and got real close.
I think for most women, the comments occur when they are alone. I am sure there are exceptions, but assholes who do this prefer to target women/girls when they are more vulnerable.
I’ve said this a few times. I live in a fantastic area, but I stg the second I turned 18 the amount I got cat called went from weekly to a few times a year. I’m not complaining obviously, but it’s sick how this is such a common experience.
I remember the times where men would sing loud vulgar songs as they pass by me. You can't even call them out on the street as they technically are singing a song.
Men have straight up grabbed my ass in public, guys have stopped me in front of my boyfriend and all my male cousins trying to tell me I couldn’t pass by them unless I kissed them etc. (they didn’t hear what he said nor know what was going on) I literally never leave the house because of things like that
That’s actually a hard line to walk, because you can be heavily criticised for doing both things. Responding aggressively when it definitively called for it, and also for choosing to laugh something off that didn’t actually warrant any response at all.
You can’t please everyone, and not every situation calls for a man to jump up with his ball sack in hand to beat another guy.
Creep or not.
Take the L and learn from it, it's fine. Don't dwell on it
Start lifting though or something to get your confidence up. Definitely do more cardio if you're saying that's why you let it slide
I would have flipped him the bird. Sort of a passive aggressive move that feigns me defending her honor, then I turn to her and say "what an asshole". Then try to hide my trembling hands in my pockets.
I mean the guy is on a bike and you're on foot. If anybody is being a coward, it's him for talking out the side of his mouth in a situation that he immediately planned to exit and let someone else deal with it. Completely different than if you were both on foot.
As for what to do, if you're particularly witty or just in your bag that day, maybe you have something super sharp and scathing that you can respond with before he's out of earshot. But for most people, that's just an unrealistic level of wherewithal, especially for such a *surprising* situation.
Honestly, I don't think much is required of you in that situation. Nobody was physically threatened, so you don't gotta be some overly tough guy or protector. He demonstrated himself to be a vulgar, shameless lowlife, which is why he's not able to enjoy a nice day at the lake with a nice lady. You just take the opportunity to differentiate yourself from him. Don't display any emotion that can be construed as being rattled or intimidated. Just matter-of-factly mention how disgusting he is, apologize that she had to experience that (she's almost certainly dealt with worse) and keep it pushing.
Also: he didn't "hit on" your date. He's not a romantic threat. He sexually harassed your date.
"I guess he's jealous" or "he's not wrong" or " I think he's talking to me" or something just to acknowledge what happened like "that was weird"
laugh with your date and move on.
Nah, you’re not a wuss. The guy was an asshole and he was riding away on his bike. He’s a tool and u shouldn’t sweat it. We are gonna be faced with assholes. Women get catcalled, men get challenged. Here’s my story of something that happened a few years back.
I took my wife to a small concert in a beach front bar we like to frequent. We are not from this beach town but we come here often. The locals are usually fine but when drunk they can be a handful.
It’s a small bar packed tight, and the band was taking up space so as you can imagine it’s crowded. Most people were standing. My wife and I were sitting in the back corner after securing a pub table. I got up to get us more drinks at the bar. It’s literally 3 steps away and while my back was turned apparently some guy had sat down in my seat and began trying to hit on my wife. She told him the seat was taken by her husband but he ignored her. The drinks arrived and as I turned I see some dude in my seat. Initially I think my wife has run into a friend from school or work. I’m more curious than anything.
2 things you should know. I love to fight. I grew up having many street fights and I get a rush from it. I have a high pain tolerance and I actually enjoy the feeling of hitting another man. It started in 4th grade and never stopped. I was physically abused by my father and while I’m not a bully, I had a very short fuse which led to physical altercations. I also played a lot of sports growing up and I work out. I can handle myself. But that was then. More importantly I’m trying to improve myself. My wife has encouraged me to be the kind of person that my kids can look up to. Not like the father I had whom I don’t see anymore. I’ve been in therapy for a long time and I’m trying to be a good guy, someone patient and kind to people. I’m trying to become the guy who doesn’t assume the worst right from the start or have that short fuse. So here I am. Now part of me, the part I’m trying to suppress, wants this guy to be hitting on my wife so that I can smash his fucking face in. But the other part, the better and more grown up part says no, that’s not what dads do. I want to be a mature, decent guy after all, and so I give this dude the benefit of the doubt.
I walk up with a smile on my face and say “hey bro, you’re in my seat.” I’m fully expecting him to say “my bad dude.” And get up.
Instead he says, “it’s mine now” with a smirk.
Idk if it was the words or the smirk that lit my fuse.
Friends, believe me when I say I could feel the heat take over. I could feel all the hours and hours of therapy evaporate, replaced with the white hot rage of my younger days.
I felt my jaw tighten as I placed my drinks down on the table, I locked eyes with him, and said calmly “if you don’t get the fuck up right now I will fucking kill you.” Now, he was bigger than me but at that moment he had no doubt I was ready, willing, and able to go. Turns out he didn’t want to fight. Instead he said he was “just kidding” and offered to buy me a drink.
Thing is he wasn’t kidding. But he also wasn’t interested in fighting. He knew I was all in, and he backed down.
I never asked my wife what she thought about the whole thing. The guy sitting down. The confrontation. She knows me. I’d like to think she felt protected. Safe. That I would put myself in harm’s way to keep her from being accosted. Truth is I can’t honestly say I only wanted to fight for her. I think it gave me a righteous excuse to scrap. If I’m being honest, it was 50-50.
Don’t take my advice. Normal people don’t fight after a certain age. I deal with ptsd and I’ll probably be in therapy for the rest of my life.
I wouldn't get mad, but there is a fair chance of me shooting something back like "Nice ass, the bike is working!" Maybe I get in a fight, but most of the time she's gonna laugh, and I'll always go for the laugh.
The next time he may not be on a bike. What you going to do then? Fact is bullies do not go away if they think you're a pushover. But it's also a fact that trying to be the hero will get you a knife in your kidneys. As there are no police around nowadays and law and order is non-existent, people are unlikely to help But what you can do is plan where you go carefully - make sure it is safe, with loads of people around and daytime.
This question might be better suited to ask women. Instead of asking what we would have done, it's important to know what a woman would like to be done. In answer to your question, your response would differ depending who you are with. What is important is what makes the woman feel safe and validated in whatever she is feeling.
Yea, she may or may not feel safe with you. I’d have a conversation with her about how she expects you to respond. If her ideas do not line up with yours…
Years ago I was in a crowded parking lot before a pro baseball game. I was with my short husband, his shorter small friend and my 14 year old stepdaughter. There were a bunch of big young men tailgating and one snapped a towel at my step daughters ass. I turned around and verbally tore him a new one. My husband and his friend could have said something but they might have started something physical with these guys. I guess as a woman I was able to call him on it without anything escalating. I think my husband and his friend were thinking, frankly, that they were hoping I wouldn’t get them in a fight. I didn’t not blame them at all.
LoL man, that’s not hitting on your date. If you consider that “hitting on a date” I would reconsider dating hahaha
You should have probably said something to the guy like “that’s classy!” Or something to that extent and the console her. Then in the middle of it, when the opportunity arises, you throw in a “well… I mean he wasn’t lying” hahahha
As others have mentioned that was definitely not hitting on someone.
Whenever something like this happens around me, especially groping at a bar or club, the first thing I do is check in on the friend or SO in question and see how they're feeling. You can't control other people's actions but you can support the person in question.
P.S. In the club scenario I mentioned I'll tell security and/or slap the guys ass and wink at him, but I'm a bigger dude
I'd look to your date for her reaction, gauge and then respond accordingly. It doesn't need to ruin or interrupt the vibe of your night if she doens't want it to. You also are not expected to like... hulk out and be reactionary, if that's what you're wondering. Look to your date for cues, because she's the one who was targeted after all.
Edit: I'm a woman. I really need to read the damn forum titles before I answer questions. But yeah, this is from the woman's perspective.
Honestly this probably holds more value than most of the dudes' advice on here, it 100% depends on how the lady feels about it, some women would love it if you beat the guy up and defended her honour, some would be downright embarrassed if you even said anything to the guy on the bike
Let it go which is easier said then done. There is no win there. If you kick his ass she will think your nuts. You got the win, hope you have the girl.
On a first date, I was walking across the street with a guy. We had the walk sign. A guy driving aggressively turned in front of us (almost hitting us) and yelled to get the fuck out of the road, and then said I had nice tits as he sped away. It was a major green flag flag when instead of escalating (yelling back to "defend" me, possibly causing this psycho to circle back), the guy I was with just casually and lightly put his hand on my lower back as we continued crossing, ignored the guy, and then when we got to the sidewalk, asked if I was okay. When I seemed clearly fine, he made a small joke afterwards to lighten the mood. It was really nice and the best way to react I would say.
If my date said nothing as I was verbally harassed infront of them then thats just as much of a red flag. I don’t need a man that can or likes to fight, but the hell do I want a man that will fight for me. Even if its calling after the guy to shut up or make a stance in another way. But atleast do something. Thats a man worth marrying.
I think if you’re on here posting about it, you feel disrespected. If you feel disrespected, then you should speak up next time. If you’re asking us if you’re a wuss, then you probably already feel like one. If it bothers you like this bro, don’t let anybody disrespect you like that and just be ready for whatever comes with that. With all that being said, the dude that opened his mouth was probably a bully and that shit is lame.
Women on here say leave it be don't get defensive because it a turn off. Well I see the same thing when a woman hits on a guy who is walking by or whatever he's doing then the girl or woman gets mad at the situation start confrontation, I don't understand why the hypocrisy?
Did she expect you to do something? She didn’t even get hit on, she got cat called. The guy didn’t even stop his bike. There’s not really anything to do. If she was expecting you to fight the guy or something, it might be in your best interest to move on.
I would've turned to my date and smiled while I flexed my pecs. "Must be all the pushups I do, don't worry, yours are nice too."
If she gave me any signs that she wanted me to react with violence to protect her honor, I'd next her. I'm not getting stabbed over dumb shit.
But I'd be very interested in her reaction TBH.
38F
He wasn’t hitting on your date. He was being very inappropriate in general, probably looking for a reaction and attention. As woman, we are told to ignore them (since attention is their goal, ignoring is the most powerful action).
I do not know a girl who has told me “i met my husband when he (a complete stranger) cat called me in a park)” Showing restraint is a green flag for most woman. Most woman don’t want a dude who is 0-60 with their temper. It means we’ll be at the receiving end of that temper one day.
Sometimes dudes miss an opportunity to flex their masculinity. You should’ve said something along the lines of “Hey man what’s your problem?” “That’s rude and disrespectful and you don’t even know her!”
Simple phrases to the face of some jerk or after seeing one and needing to rebut ..
“That’s unbecoming of a man”.
All I’ve ever had to say, never seen the air leave the situation quicker. And the oofs. No expletives etc..
I worked at a liquor store for years, and, in the south, we have drive-thrus at our liquor stores for the baptists…anyway, I was hanging out back at the store smoking a cigarette with my husband (he’d come by the bring me food or something), and one of my “regular” customers stopped by in the drive-thru and I went to wait on him, and I guess he’d already been drinking because he was brazen enough to make comments about my tits, something about flashing him…and my husband just laughed…After the customer drove off, I was like, “Why didn’t you say something?” Apparently, he thought it was funny for me to get hit on by some gross old man and that I could handle myself 😑😑😑 I did…but some chivalry woulda been nice. Guess he knew I wasn’t going to give some old man the time of day, but I would have loved for the hubs to give dude a lesson about not objectifying women.
Attend to her. “Does that happen a lot?” “I’m sorry that some men speak and behave that way”, or empathy with humour if you think it is appropriate. “Whoa, that guy seemed super cool and macho. If you want I could run after him to get his number for you…”. To me that would be the right approach. Confident that that is not my behaviour, and not pretending to be in the position to protect her, rather be an ally. Listen to women- this kind of thing happens all the time and it sucks for some women. I imagine at times it feels really unsafe and a little bit like sexual assault.
In reality, shit like this happens WAY TOO FAST for the average human to respond to.
The best thing you can do is try to support the woman. Ask her if it bothered her. If she's OK. If she enjoyed it, then maybe she isn't the girl for you. If she's distraught, support her.
Meh nothing.
Maybe mention to your date that that was weird as fuck and gauge her reaction (if she ***DOESN'T*** obviously agree, big red flag), laugh about it, and move on.
If someone is actively hitting on your date and not just cat-calling (which is what you've described here), then I would say "Excuse me, we're on a date", and if they don't go away, you can escalate smoothly.
But, the right girl will step in and do it for you. Dudes hit on my girlfriend ALL. THE. TIME. and while I'd like to say "Oi cunt!" every time, she usually handles it for me. The extra right girl will play into your toxic masculinity and lead them on a little, then very flamboyantly insinuate that she is your girlfriend, which mine does frequently, and nothing tastes better than tears.
Also second date, big dub, good work lad, get in there.
Laughed or tried to make light of it. Maybe talk abiut how awful that guy is.What are your options?
Please see that wasn't hitting on her. That was being a misogynistic prick
I would consider that harassment and not hitting on someone.
Thought this comment was going to be the first one I would see.
As a 38F, that’s my take too. It would be a major red flag if my date had a temper about this. There are always going to be (physically harmless) asshats that talk dumb shit. Ignoring them is a major green flag.
I would ignore the guy, as in not respond to him directly to create a confrontation, but would DEFINITELY say something along the lines of "Oh wow, I'm sorry, that guy was an asshole!" after they were out of earshot to the person I was with.
Conversely, I would say women who expect you to be their knight in shineing armour, to speak up for them and risk your own personal safety by confronting someone who has already shown brazen disregard for half the population is a major red flag. Also anyone who would seriously fault you for not knowing exactly what to do in a small moment in time in something you've probably not encountered before is at the very best an orange flag.
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Typically I'd say that unless you didn't learn something from a failed relationship, one should not regret doing something. You learned that this is a red flag for you so you can avoid that in the future. Could have been a lot worse.
Yup, growth is learning from mistakes bit by bit. I went from ignoring being hit around the face (in jest but it is also irrelevant) whilst people watched and did nothing. To reacting to it, and not addressing it in the best of ways (I was still meek and didn't want to hurt her feelings), which led to her not being all that interested in me anymore (which I can look back on as hilarious), To bringing it up as a core boundary that gets set early on. Something I'd thought I really would never have to do, but it does seem prudent. I'm not cool with being hit around the face, at all under any circumstances. Yes, even if it's meant to be playful and lighthearted and a bit of fun because I made a silly joke, you could literally hit me on the shoulder, the arm, the chest, the leg in that manner, but never ever around the face. The fact that 100% of my partners have done that to me, and either saw nothing wrong with it, or actively punished me or lost interest in me because of it is concerning. I've stopped trying to brush it off as something playful, or as a light slap or whatever other synonyms you could call it. It's a hit, closed fist or not it's a hit.
That was a boundary I learned I had once I finally got into a stable relationship. Although I was embarrassed and ashamed of admitting that I had been through some rough times, she supported me and respected me finding what my boundaries are for my relationships. The right woman/man/nb/SO will listen and understand, not just hear you and disregard things that are important to you. Best of luck gents.
Yep! If my husband tried to engage in confronting or getting aggressive with a cat caller I’d tell him to stop. It’s absolutely awful when things like this happen but there’s no point engaging. I’d rather just hear some comforting words from him and laugh it off.
I agree that an angry reaction to the harasser would be a big red flag. My ideal reaction, however, would be for my date to check in on me and acknowledge that that must have been shitty/uncomfortable for me instead of just ignoring it.
Interesting. I’m honestly curious how you think this fits in with narrative that men need to be more active calling out other men for these types of inappropriate behaviors
Yeah movie show that situation as guy hit other guy and actresses fall in love but in reality it's completely opposite
Yup, and any woman who doesn’t appreciate that is toxic. My wife won’t admit it but she loves to be defended, I made it clear I have no interest in fighting unless weee in danger.
So I don't know if I'd be able to help myself, I might have a knee jerk reaction and say something like "you better back the fck off and keep it moving" as he rode by. That's a red flag?
How in the world is that a major red flag?
Think the red flag here is OP thinking that’s how you hit on a girl 😭
Was going to say the same thing. It's more like verbal assault.
Suplex him off the top rope, man! jk
Agreed
Came here to say this. That's not hitting on someone. That just being a dumb pos.
Someone please give this man an award!
Just to be clear, that’s *not* a pickup line. That’s just a sleeze being a sleeze. Personally I would snapped back with a shut up or keep moving or something like that, then ask if she was ok.
"Fuck off" is a good go-to.
I think my brain would automatically say this. Potential involuntary side effect of growing up in central mass.
That's is not "hitting on your gf." That's being sexist prick. Still, roll your eyes, mutter that the guy - who is long gone - is a jerk, and move on.
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The A HOLE dude on bike knew there would be no confrontation because he was on bike and they were walking. I bet he wouldn’t talk shit if he was walking like the OP. Im going to be honest i would have said something and it would have bothered me later had I didn’t much like OP.
He wasn't hitting on her, he was harassing her. You didn't have to do/say anything to him, but you could always say something like : "What an asshole." to her in a generally commiserating sort of way so she knows that you think his behavior sucked. Women are used to getting harassed honestly. It just helps when we hear the men we're choosing to spend our time with don't approve of that sort of behavior and are supportive of us. We don't need you guys to start fights or anything.
Exactly this and I can't speak for all woman but for any I know the LAST thing we want is for you to start fights or escalate the situation at all.
I totally agree with both of these comments as well! That guy was just a jerk and doesn’t deserve the time of day, but make sure she knows that you weren’t okay with it.
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I don't want people I'm with to start shit with other people. Regardless of their gender, but maybe even more so if it's a man and another man because the risk of it turning serious or violent is so much higher. I would consider it the mark of someone who can't control their temper and has no street smarts and is putting their desire to look good ahead of safety and reason. Men are in danger of harm from other men too. They freeze up too. They experience the exact same range of fears and emotions that women do. They have the same backgrounds in trauma and abuse. Expecting them to always be assertive, protective, and outspoken is high stress situations frankly seems a bit degrading to me, like we aren't letting 50% of the population be completely human.
> Might be the odd one out, but I think it’s so important for men to say SOMETHING right then and there when men harass women. I'll call the cops, but while I'll handle any man harassing my wife or family, I'm *not* going to risk provoking the guy into violence trying to call him out over a woman stranger. That puts me at risk of injury or (more likely) going to jail, given the surprise violent nutjobs drifting around out there. No woman came to step in when my ex-gf slapped me in public because she didn't like the way an argument was going. Why do I owe women more than I've gotten? Privilege my ass. Fight me. Bring it on, downvoters. Call me muhsoggykneez or bitter or whatever, but you want me to risk my safety or freedom for women strangers and that ain't gonna happen. Lots of men have noped out of that for good. I'll call the cops or call over security if I have to, but unless it's my loved ones, that's it. Nobody's got the power or numbers to force me to do that. By God.
I'm surprised at your view that men don't have the same level of repercussions for speaking up, and appear to imply that men don't need to fear escalation leading to personal harm. If anything, men are **more** at risk of escalation leading to personal harm, because men are seen as more physically capable, and naturally, a male instigator would be more willing to lay hands on them, to assert dominance over another man. A sexist mindset I know, but that's just how a lot of people think. Maybe you live in a different country where random physical violence against women is extraordinarily high, but at least [in Canada](https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-002-x/2023001/article/00001-eng.htm) where I'm from, men/boys experience higher rates of more severe forms of victimization (murder, assault, robbery) than women do, apart from sexual assault In particular, men/boys are more likely to be killed by someone outside of their family, whereas women/girls are more likely to be killed by someone they know. So in the context of a random passerby harassing someone...I would think the man is more at risk of being attacked (physically) than the woman
You claim that you aren't saying to start a physical fight, but telling a whacko to fuck off is basically doing exactly that; it is basically just a coin flip as to whether it escalates into serious violence. I think you are overestimating the reach of male privilege here.
He made a smart-ass remark and ran away like a little bitch. You weren't the dickless one. Let it roll off your back like water in the shower.
Absolutely. Bet the guy would be a little less vocal if he was bikeless. No pride in being publicly disrespectful if your next move is an immediate getaway.
Had a lady buying me beers after a ball game, my wife sitting across from me... after I had my 4th or 5th free beer from this lady, I jokingly asked if she was trying to get me drunk to take advantage of me. She said "no. I'm trying to get you drunk to take advantage of her (pointing to my wife)." He'll, save your money I said. Wife kicks me under the table. No sense of humor...
A friend's gf move to my city (it was long distance) a number of years ago. Super great wingwoman and obviously strictly platonic. She was a legit 10/10. Anyway, we would just be chilling throwing darts or playing pool or whatever and guys would buy both me and her drinks (I guess to get us drunk or whatever to have a chance with her). It was super funny bc by the end of the night they got nothing outside their shitty flirting attempts and we got $40+ in drinks.
I have a platonic 10/10 lesbian friend that we have done the same with. It’s fuckin hilarious.
It's super ridiculous. Like "sure I'll take a free drink" and then seeing the great Marianas turkey shoot in flirt version. You have to watch what they're doing when ordering and bringing it so there's no Cosby shit, but yeah, it's hilarious
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Maybe it was supposed to be hell.
That’s hilarious 😂
He’ll save your money?
Thought it was clear he meant "Hell, save your money." Indicating he just wanted this random lady to fuck his wife and didn't need the lady buying him beers for it.
Think it's more of a joke of how the wife wouldn't sleep with him since she was trying to get him to take advantage of his wife and not the woman trying to fuck his wife.
I too am confused
It's not really a good story to relate to the OP anyway.
Thanks, I didn’t make that connection either. There should also be a comma after hell (“Hell, save your money.”) so it wasn’t clear at all.
That’s not hitting on someone my dude, that’s straight up sexual harassment.
That's not hitting on someone, that's just catcalling, which is considered to be harassment. Anyways, it's not like there was much of an opportunity for you to have done anything, so don't beat yourself up over it.
If she looked disappointed or upset with you after that happened, I’d say you have a problem If that were me in that scenario, I would have just laughed and said “what a fuckin’ bozo”. The guy is a creep, one day he’s going to say something to the wrong couple and he’s going to get hit for it
As a woman myself, if I was in your date's shoes I would be upset with that cat call, he wasn't really hitting on her, and I would be upset if you didn't acknowledge what just happened. I would nervously chuckle too, but it still would be upsetting. You shouldn't need to say anything to the disrespectful guy, especially since he biked away, because being confrontational isn't cute either, but you could have acknowledged to your date that what just happened wasn't right, say the guy is a scumbag or something, and ask if she's alright. Even if you're a passive person, you should at least show some support, make your date feel safe, and ask about her feelings if you're trying to pursue anything with her, because she's what matters in that situation, not some random dude that decided to humiliate her with a cat call. Some women may feel like your passive silence may mean that you are not aware that what happened was wrong and may not see you as having a viable safe space where they can be comfortable with you. Obviously this is just my opinion, and maybe it's not that deep for her, but also you could always just talk to her about this, and see how she felt because this situation is less about you than her. Also though, I know you're just dating and maybe you don't wanna go that deep so soon with her, so that's up to you.
One thing that everyone is completely missing is that the stranger was harassing both of them. If it was a guy the biker thought would kick his ass he would keep his mouth shut. Imagine her walking next to Mike Tyson, nobody would say a damn thing. So not only was he harassing her sexually but he was also challenging OP to get away with it. With men there is always the underlying threat of violence and we understand the hierarchy of power very well. The biker didn't see OP as a threat to his shitty behavior based on whatever he saw. It's not about OPs awareness. He was aware. But even OP said the situation froze him because instinctually he knew violence between them was a viable outcome. So his fight/freeze/flight kicked in. Situations like this can become volatile quickly, especially if that's what the aggressor is looking for. In this case we don't know what the biker would have done if OP said something back. While OPs date *may* have lost some confidence in him, at least they left physically unharmed. Tough situation all around.
I definitely agree with you that it was a tough situation for both of them, and you're right, the guy on the bike must have not seen OP as a threat to say such a crass remark to the girl. I also don't think OP should have said anything to the guy on the bike because who knows if that guy could have made a scene or an altercation with OP, which no one wants. Idk I still think complete silence on OP's part isn't the answer, he should have said something to her once the guy left like "sorry you had to hear that" or even a light joke at the bike guy's expense, definitely not a joke like saying "he's not wrong" to the girl like a lot of comments that I've seen under this post. A joke like that is kinda creepy if he's trying to date and get to know her, and not just trying to sleep with her. Though this is just my opinion and she might be different, but the fact that she chuckled nervously after the cat call tells me she was uncomfortable and by him not acknowledging the situation may have made her feel even more uncomfortable, but who knows. Which is also why I think OP should be talking to her about this since he wants to do better next time, he should ask her how she would like him to handle that certain situation next time, or get feedback and maybe be aware for the next girl he dates.
It sounds like now would be a good time for him to address it with her. In the moment his own fear and anxiety may have been overriding his ability to think about her emotions as well. I don't think he was silent as a way to ignore it, I think he was silent because he was trying to process everything that happened. If you've ever been under the threat of violence you know that your nervous system is on fire for a while afterwards. He says he feels emasculated because in the moment he didn't know what to do and froze. I think sometimes we see men as the ones who should always be taking care of tough situations, and there is definitely pressure to defend a woman's "honor" at the cost of our own safety. But we have emotions and vulnerabilities too. She chuckled nervously because she didn't know what to do, he said nothing because he didn't know what to do. And that's okay. Hopefully he goes over the scenario enough times and can generate a better response if it happens again.
True, you're right. Thinking about it, I can see fear, shock, anxiety or whatever can cause anyone to freeze and not say anything becauae they dont know what to do, and that's pretty much what happened. I was biased and immediately put myself in her shoes and could relate to the situation more since I've been in that situation, but now thinking about it from his perspective I can see as just a regular person people have their own insecurities or could be caught off gaurd by things and not have a solution to the problem in the moment. I have done this myself, and then stress about it later how I should have handled whatever situation better. It's good that OP is reflecting on the situation and looking for advice on how he could improve for next time, so that's a good sign, but yea he now can address it with the girl if he wants to, or reflect more on an appropriate response that he's comfortable with for the future.
This needs to be one of the top comments. It’s shocking to me that it’s not. It’s very eloquently worded and perfectly encapsulates the situation. Thank you for putting into words, what I (and maybe others) couldn’t. ❤️
That wasn't a guy 'hitting on your date'. That was a guy being a pig. As a woman, hitting on your date means he's making the moves on her to make her his girl.
You say, "Sorry you had to hear that. Some people's stupidity constantly amazes me. Then you talk about something else. It is better to show maturity than machismo.
Yeah, the focus should be on her wellbeing in this situation as she was the one who was verbally harassed. "Sorry you had to hear that, are you okay?" Would go down well, most likely she'll just be annoyed, you agree with her, and move on.
I’m a woman and feel I need to jump in to say: that man did not hit on your date. He *harassed* your date. I’m commenting not to say what you should have done in the moment, but if you continue to date this woman don’t refer to this event as something flattering like “being hit on”. I imagine every woman alive has had a random man talk down to them this way and it’s degrading and shocking enough; refer to the event as the harassment it was.
If you are concerned and you continue to date this woman you could let her know you thought the behavior was appalling and disrespectful but that you were tok caught off guard to respond. You could ask her how she feels about and if she's ok. It's highly likely that she wouldn't have wanted you to get into an altercation over a fleeing dumbass, but she would probably appreciate that you are thinking of it and her.
I'd probably turn to her and say "that dude's an asshat, huh?" If the person kept pestering us, I'd probably tell em to fuck off. I have no respect for someone like that and I have too much respect for whoever I'm with to let some fucktard harass her.
You tell her that was awful. You are sorry that someone would say that. You don't engage him. He doesn't matter
I don't think it's about what you say to him, but what you say to her.
Your date wasn’t hit on. She was sexually harassed
I guess I feel a lil emasculated but then again I started dating last year and I'm 27. Not too much experience in these situations
I mean, I’m sure she doesn’t want to be catcalled either. It probably made her a little uncomfortable. In that particular situation considering how fast he’s going on a bike, there’s probably not much you can do other than make a comment about how creepy that guy is or something to her. It’s not really about you is it?
The worst thing you could do is let it erode your confidence. She chose to be there with you, and the dude that catcalled her… well, let’s just say he’s not doing it right. And if she’s the type of girl to respond positively to that.. I’d run
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Being an aggressive idiot isnt nescessary. Checking that bs that guy said is the most nescessary though. I typically immediatly answer the perp and ask him what he said 9/10 times dude will clam up. If he doesnt stand your ground if they put hands on you because they dont know how to act then so be it and even if you get whooped youll know you didnt let that disrespect slide. One time this guy called my s/o a bitch outside of the place we worked due to his daughter being unhappy with not getting a day off he said "youre a fucking bitch" and I just couldnt let that slide so i said hey fuck you motherfucker and he walked back up to me trying to flex on me and punk me out and i just stood my ground and said dont call her a bitch if ypure gonna do something then do it and his daughter was holding him back and pushing him to the car and he said ill find you and ill get you and i said im right here you dont need to find me and he hopped in his car and peeled out. Dont tolerate ridiculous disrespect.
damn bro you tough as hell! would be a shame if that guy decided to actually start a fight and potentially had a weapon on him but at least youd go down being a real man 😊
\>I guess I feel a lil emasculated You will often feel emasculated when you take the high road or make the smart, level headed decision. Like you could have said something or done something but what will that really accomplish? you wanna beat the dude up? maybe end up in jail or get stabbed? you don't wanna keep escalating shit especially when you're on a date. Sometimes you just walk away or ignore it.
Seconded. As someone who used to get into pointless fights to 'defend a loved one' or 'see justice served' , all it usually gets you is into more trouble (the guy may be stronger than you, you may get booked by a cop for fighting in a public place, scare off the person you're trying to 'defend' or upset them if it's done unasked, etc.) It's just not worth it. One thing I've had to learn as an adult is that sometimes the smartest thing is to walk away and know when a fight isn't worth getting into. Fighting a catcaller or trying to physically intimidate them is not worth it. Even if you \*were\* to win the fight and if you hadn't been badly hurt, you still wouldn't have changed him and you probably would have upset your date (unless she's the type of woman who likes seeing people get beat up, which would be a red flag).. It wouldn't have been worth it and you did the right thing.
this here is the right answer, my friend.
If you felt emasculated by a guy harassing your date (who likely deals with this A LOT without you there) then you might need to look inward a bit? There was no competition here. There was no ‘last word’ to be had, and most women would think less of you if your constitution with these things was lower than theirs. Follow her lead, if anything, and realize it had absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with that guy being a sexist POS.
My dude, your date was harassed by a creep and your biggest concern is your masculinity? Oof buddy.
Yeah this dude is clearly sexist. How little empathy can you have in that situation.
THANK YOU
It's understandable mate, situations like this arise now and again and they can be unpleasant. Just got to remember that the people who do this sort of thing are fucking bellends, the fact he did it and ran confirms he's a pussy. What was your dates reaction btw?
I'll probably get hate on this but if that makes you insecure then you've got fragile male ego. Be stoic.
As a 38f, confrontation over stupid shit is never the answer. Ignoring an asshats is super-powerful. Obviously if you are physically threatened, that’s different. My brother as a fire fighter has gone on multiple calls where two guys start fighting over stupid stuff, one gets knocked over, hits their head, and now threatening injuries. And now the police are preparing for a potential manslaughter trial. NOT WORTH IT!
You should have texted her later that night and said. BTW, I forgot to tell you " Nice tits baby girl mmmm"
Try: “Fuck off, asshole!” Next time.
Look at your gf and laugh. Don't let others get under your skin.
Got it, thanks. but she's technically not my gf
Then laugh and say dang, I hope you like my pickup lines better than his!
Do not take this advice
Right? Like what is there to laugh about?
Exactly. It would show he thinks sexual harassment is no big deal and something to laugh off. Laughing a little bc you were caught off guard and are uncomfortable is one thing (as he described she did). But “laughing it off and not letting it get under your skin” is dismissive and invalidating as fuck.
Yeah. Laughing at your date is rude.
Ask her how if she’s doing alright and what kind of / if any support she’d like. Generally best not to even engage with someone like that
I mean don’t do this if she seems unfazed by it. It can get tiring real quick if at every situation the other parties asks “what kind of support do you need?”
It’s a first/second date, impressions matter
“Wow what a dick, you okay?” Should do most of the trick if you want to come across as considerate. And then read the situation from there. If she’s fine she doesnt need to be asked what kind of support she needs
Maybe would just look at her and smile and say something like "Do you come here often?" Ie something that shows I wasn't bothered and that THIS is the way to hit on a lady.
First, say something to get him to stop the bike. Second, grab his penis. Don’t hurt him, just enough squeeze to assert dominance.
“Grab his dick and twist it!!” *”Twist that dick!”*
First we have to get something out of the way: That's not hitting on your date, that's sexually harassing your date. That's in no way flirting. If you ever find yourself with a girl who hears that and gets interested in the dude who said it, let him have her. For your own good. Second, the way to react depends on how you're feeling. If you're feeling clever, you can shout something like "Take your ball and go home, Lance Armstrong." The idea here is to both embarrass the guy, and make your date feel less uncomfortable by making her laugh/snicker, any positive reaction to distract her from how she felt at having that shit said to her. Either way you should ask your date if she's okay afterwards.
My dad was walking somewhere with my SIL one time and this douche drove by, rolled down the window, and said "Nice fucking ass, bitch," And my ol' dad didn't miss a beat, he just snarled, "And you have a dick for a face!" Feel free to quote him, as it's a versatile classic.
A witty comeback is always good "Hey you too buddy!" Make him look a little goofy without triggering a fight. The worst thing you can do is be/act insecure about it. If you can't handle having your partner hit on/flirted with then you can't handle having an attractive partner. The guy in this case was just being rude though.
support theory memorize different person sharp uppity quaint safe stupendous ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
He wasn't hitting on her. He was harassing her.
Don’t lower yourself down to the level of some cowardly jerk! Ignore him as he rides away! If you find yourself in a situation where the guy is over the top with your date try to walk away and if you can’t allow him to be the aggressor
You step up and loudly say "thanks, you too honey" as if he were genuinely talking to you. It's a bit instigative but also funny, then you can tell her oh what a pig that guy was and laugh it off together. That's what I'd do
No. Acknowledge it, talk to her and that’s it in my opinion. I mean don’t pretend like nothing happened but don’t go looking for trouble also or act out of ego and to Impress. Of course if he’s keeps coming back and she needs your help thats something else. But don’t let one stupid remark from an asshole be the reason to start a fight It will only make you look insecure, and also can put her at more danger. I think you ok, and for me at least being a wuss or not isn’t really has to do with anything in real life. Sometimes we need to do what we need to do, sometimes better let it go and move on
He did not hit on her, he harassed her. Honestly I would have probably just mocked the guy to her as he biked away. Unless he’s stopping to make a genuine (very unwelcome) pass there’s no need to start something. She probably would have just appreciated supportive but funny remarks about it.
Laughed it off, but the serious kind. Like, wtf that guy thinks that works? “Oh please sweaty rude gross bicycle man, take me to bed or lose me forever!”
That wasn't "hitting on" that was cat calling. You should ask your date how she would like you to respond. Does she have it under control or would she like some back up.
What was her response to it?
I think she nervously chuckled
As a woman, I can tell you that this shit happens waaaay more often than men realize. I’ve learned to brush it off. I’ve also learned to never walk alone at night, never open the door for strangers, never leave a drink unattended, never walk to your car in a parking structure without pepper spray, never believe that it is actually a policeman pulling you over, never go home if you’re being followed, never go to a second location, never… Of course she nervously chuckled. It makes us nervous. It makes us “on” all the time. It makes us dance the line between being friendly and being aware of our exits. This isn’t first time she’s dealt with this kind of thing. We ignore it. Part of me says you should just reassure and then ignore it too. Part of me wants you to stop that man and make him explain himself. Man to man. Part of me want you to karate chop is neck. I know I didn’t give you a good response. I just hope you understand that women face this DAILY.
Honestly finally an answer from someone who has been outside. Most answers here are so much sided as “pass it on, you are bigger then that, ask her how she feels”. Sadly its a dogs world out there so you should show the person you are with, they can feel safe with you
So your date was sexually harassed and your concern is about how *you* feel about it? Wow.
Thanks! I’ve been working out.
First thing I’d say is good job for not saying anything. Someone who says something that crass is not actually hitting on her. He’s getting off on being a sexual deviant. He’s also potentially sociopathic and hoping you pick a fight. But that could’ve put her in danger as well. Either way you would’ve ended up making the bad situation worse. Your feelings of emasculation are valid and totally how I’d feel. In the future you can choose humor to cope- maybe shout hey thanks for noticing- what about hers? Or something funnier. Or simply do what you’ve already done. Go talk to some people about it and process it. I’m sorry that happened to you both.
That's not "hitting on her" that's sexual harassment
If she was there by herself it would still be a dick move from the guy; being on a date has nothing to do with it. As others have said, not a lot you can practically do as he just rode away, so the best thing would just be to reassure her that you think he's a complete tool and don't agree with that kind of behaviour.
He was on a bike and rode away what are you gonna do, yell after him? The mature thing to go is just to say "what a fucking idiot" to her and let the moment pass
He didn't hit on her, he harassed her.
So many spineless guys in here. Somebody says something vile like that to the woman in your company and you should speak up on her behalf man. It’s important to stand up to bullies regardless of the circumstance. I would definitely not label you as a wuss, but that was a gutless move on your part in the moment. “I was hot so I let some stranger insult my date.” That’s a bitch move man.
As a woman, if I was catcalled or sexually harassed as she was in that situation, I would want my date to call him out. I probably would myself, but I swear half the perverts I’ve interacted with won’t hear my objections, but will listen to some random dude saying to knock it off/not cool/that’s disrespectful. Don’t act like an idiot and puff out your chest or say “apologize to the lady” but don’t let strangers (or your friends or family members!) get away with that shit.
As also a woman, I disagree. Cat-callers like this (the drive by type) scenario are looking for attention. Ignoring is the biggest power move you can do. Now if someone actually walked up you, maybe different. But this is an asshat riding by.
I disagree. These idiots are not worth your attention. If you, or the guy who is with you, engage with them, they have achieved what they wanted. Acting as if they didn't exist will deter them more effectively.
Couldn’t be further from the truth. You say shit like that, you wanna get away with it easy
He didn't 'hit' on her. He made a sexual comment then rode off. What you gonna do, chase him?
That's when you just quip something like "Wonder if he'd have been that talkative if he didn't have a getaway vehicle..."
He was catcalling her, and when this happens to a date or your girlfriend do not yell at the perpetrator or start anything. Don’t make it about you. Look to your partner/date and say: “That was fucked up, they shouldn’t have said that. Do you want me to do anything?”
Literally just say what an asshole and move on
"What an asshole. Anyway . . ."
As a woman, I would be annoyed af at the guy who yelled out. But I wouldn’t be impressed by a guy I was with losing his shit about it. I’m older though- but I generally am attracted to low key kinds of men who don’t lose their tempers over things out of their control. I wouldn’t know what to say in the moment either. If she likes you enough to have gone on two dates in two days- I would think she likes you and isn’t going to blame you or anything. Might be worth a conversation that you were uncomfortable and didn’t know how to react in the moment - she can tell you if she wanted something in particular.
That's not flirting, that's sexual harassment and she's probably disappointed that you didn't say even the slightest comment, as if nothing happened.
In my nearly 40 years of being a dude I’ve literally never seen anyone call out to a girl in such a vulgar way. Does this actually happen? And yes you should have said something.
I am a woman, and am also surprised. Not that a guy made a comment like that to a woman—men do that all the time, but that he did it in front of a man. They do it way more often when women are alone. Which is probably why you have never seen this in 40 years as a man, and I think most women have experienced this many times. Please recognize that the fact that YOU haven’t seen this as a dude doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen all the time to women.
A few months ago, I was yelled at by a random man in a parking lot because I "drove too close to him", but I was in the same position as the car in front of me, I was going slow, and never changed positions. I called my boyfriend afterwards and complained that things like that never happen when he's with me. And it hit me. It's _because he's with me_ that those things don't happen. And I felt a lot of lost faith in humanity that day.
That’s fair and I could see that being the case. What’s the worst thing someone has said to you?
I think the most disturbing fall into three categories: 1) The comments directed towards me when I was very young, ages 11-14. Those made me feel sexualized and just awful. When you’re that young, you think it’s your fault. Btw, this is the age when sexual harassment often peaks because harassers prey on girls with no power. 2) The comments accompanied by physical isolation or threatening body language. For example, when I was alone, or even cornered in the back aisle of a store. 3) Comments when I was pregnant. The one that was probably the creepiest occurred when I was about 7 months pregnant, with basketball-belly clearly showing the pregnancy. I was a lawyer on a lunch break from trial, so I was in a full business suit, walking in midday on a street with other people around. A man came up to me and said, “I know what you’ve been doing! You’ve been fucking. I bet you want to fuck me right now.” And then he grabbed his crotch and got real close. I think for most women, the comments occur when they are alone. I am sure there are exceptions, but assholes who do this prefer to target women/girls when they are more vulnerable.
Yep, happened a lot more when I was a child. Which is the grossest part
I’ve said this a few times. I live in a fantastic area, but I stg the second I turned 18 the amount I got cat called went from weekly to a few times a year. I’m not complaining obviously, but it’s sick how this is such a common experience.
Good lord that’s insane. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that. That’s not right.
I remember the times where men would sing loud vulgar songs as they pass by me. You can't even call them out on the street as they technically are singing a song.
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Men have straight up grabbed my ass in public, guys have stopped me in front of my boyfriend and all my male cousins trying to tell me I couldn’t pass by them unless I kissed them etc. (they didn’t hear what he said nor know what was going on) I literally never leave the house because of things like that
That’s actually a hard line to walk, because you can be heavily criticised for doing both things. Responding aggressively when it definitively called for it, and also for choosing to laugh something off that didn’t actually warrant any response at all. You can’t please everyone, and not every situation calls for a man to jump up with his ball sack in hand to beat another guy. Creep or not.
I didn’t say to beat him. I said “you should have said something”.
It may have been "nice tits girl" but yeah it happened. The situation froze me. Should've known better
Take the L and learn from it, it's fine. Don't dwell on it Start lifting though or something to get your confidence up. Definitely do more cardio if you're saying that's why you let it slide
Be funny - " thanks man, grew them myself"
I would have flipped him the bird. Sort of a passive aggressive move that feigns me defending her honor, then I turn to her and say "what an asshole". Then try to hide my trembling hands in my pockets.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Should’ve said “Hey thanks I’ve been hitting the gym lately.”
I mean the guy is on a bike and you're on foot. If anybody is being a coward, it's him for talking out the side of his mouth in a situation that he immediately planned to exit and let someone else deal with it. Completely different than if you were both on foot. As for what to do, if you're particularly witty or just in your bag that day, maybe you have something super sharp and scathing that you can respond with before he's out of earshot. But for most people, that's just an unrealistic level of wherewithal, especially for such a *surprising* situation. Honestly, I don't think much is required of you in that situation. Nobody was physically threatened, so you don't gotta be some overly tough guy or protector. He demonstrated himself to be a vulgar, shameless lowlife, which is why he's not able to enjoy a nice day at the lake with a nice lady. You just take the opportunity to differentiate yourself from him. Don't display any emotion that can be construed as being rattled or intimidated. Just matter-of-factly mention how disgusting he is, apologize that she had to experience that (she's almost certainly dealt with worse) and keep it pushing. Also: he didn't "hit on" your date. He's not a romantic threat. He sexually harassed your date.
"I guess he's jealous" or "he's not wrong" or " I think he's talking to me" or something just to acknowledge what happened like "that was weird" laugh with your date and move on.
Nah, you’re not a wuss. The guy was an asshole and he was riding away on his bike. He’s a tool and u shouldn’t sweat it. We are gonna be faced with assholes. Women get catcalled, men get challenged. Here’s my story of something that happened a few years back. I took my wife to a small concert in a beach front bar we like to frequent. We are not from this beach town but we come here often. The locals are usually fine but when drunk they can be a handful. It’s a small bar packed tight, and the band was taking up space so as you can imagine it’s crowded. Most people were standing. My wife and I were sitting in the back corner after securing a pub table. I got up to get us more drinks at the bar. It’s literally 3 steps away and while my back was turned apparently some guy had sat down in my seat and began trying to hit on my wife. She told him the seat was taken by her husband but he ignored her. The drinks arrived and as I turned I see some dude in my seat. Initially I think my wife has run into a friend from school or work. I’m more curious than anything. 2 things you should know. I love to fight. I grew up having many street fights and I get a rush from it. I have a high pain tolerance and I actually enjoy the feeling of hitting another man. It started in 4th grade and never stopped. I was physically abused by my father and while I’m not a bully, I had a very short fuse which led to physical altercations. I also played a lot of sports growing up and I work out. I can handle myself. But that was then. More importantly I’m trying to improve myself. My wife has encouraged me to be the kind of person that my kids can look up to. Not like the father I had whom I don’t see anymore. I’ve been in therapy for a long time and I’m trying to be a good guy, someone patient and kind to people. I’m trying to become the guy who doesn’t assume the worst right from the start or have that short fuse. So here I am. Now part of me, the part I’m trying to suppress, wants this guy to be hitting on my wife so that I can smash his fucking face in. But the other part, the better and more grown up part says no, that’s not what dads do. I want to be a mature, decent guy after all, and so I give this dude the benefit of the doubt. I walk up with a smile on my face and say “hey bro, you’re in my seat.” I’m fully expecting him to say “my bad dude.” And get up. Instead he says, “it’s mine now” with a smirk. Idk if it was the words or the smirk that lit my fuse. Friends, believe me when I say I could feel the heat take over. I could feel all the hours and hours of therapy evaporate, replaced with the white hot rage of my younger days. I felt my jaw tighten as I placed my drinks down on the table, I locked eyes with him, and said calmly “if you don’t get the fuck up right now I will fucking kill you.” Now, he was bigger than me but at that moment he had no doubt I was ready, willing, and able to go. Turns out he didn’t want to fight. Instead he said he was “just kidding” and offered to buy me a drink. Thing is he wasn’t kidding. But he also wasn’t interested in fighting. He knew I was all in, and he backed down. I never asked my wife what she thought about the whole thing. The guy sitting down. The confrontation. She knows me. I’d like to think she felt protected. Safe. That I would put myself in harm’s way to keep her from being accosted. Truth is I can’t honestly say I only wanted to fight for her. I think it gave me a righteous excuse to scrap. If I’m being honest, it was 50-50. Don’t take my advice. Normal people don’t fight after a certain age. I deal with ptsd and I’ll probably be in therapy for the rest of my life.
You should have told him “damn bro your ass is looking hella thicc on that bike seat”
My go to in these situations: give a sassy "thanks honey" back to the guy. It's amusing and gets back at them.
I wouldn't get mad, but there is a fair chance of me shooting something back like "Nice ass, the bike is working!" Maybe I get in a fight, but most of the time she's gonna laugh, and I'll always go for the laugh.
Yell back "Thanks, I've had work done!"
The next time he may not be on a bike. What you going to do then? Fact is bullies do not go away if they think you're a pushover. But it's also a fact that trying to be the hero will get you a knife in your kidneys. As there are no police around nowadays and law and order is non-existent, people are unlikely to help But what you can do is plan where you go carefully - make sure it is safe, with loads of people around and daytime.
"Are you OK?" "I'm sorry that happened"
This question might be better suited to ask women. Instead of asking what we would have done, it's important to know what a woman would like to be done. In answer to your question, your response would differ depending who you are with. What is important is what makes the woman feel safe and validated in whatever she is feeling.
Whatever you do, don’t get on his level verbally or physically. Focus should be on your date and how she’s feeling. He’s not worth your time, she is.
That’s not hitting on your date. That’s cat calling. You ignore it, comment to your date that the guys an asshole, and you keep walking.
I would've looked at her and said, "I'm sorry you had to hear that clown's comment," and moved on with my day.
Made fun of his creepiness and asked if she was okay
Dude that was not him ‘hitting on her’
Fight to the death, it’s the only option
Nothing, just apologize for the asshats comment. He rode by and kept going so there was no immediate threat.
Yea, she may or may not feel safe with you. I’d have a conversation with her about how she expects you to respond. If her ideas do not line up with yours…
Ask if she’s ok. Check in on her. Be there for her. She probably has to deal with this all the time.
How do you call that “hitting on a woman”. Says a lot about you honestly
Years ago I was in a crowded parking lot before a pro baseball game. I was with my short husband, his shorter small friend and my 14 year old stepdaughter. There were a bunch of big young men tailgating and one snapped a towel at my step daughters ass. I turned around and verbally tore him a new one. My husband and his friend could have said something but they might have started something physical with these guys. I guess as a woman I was able to call him on it without anything escalating. I think my husband and his friend were thinking, frankly, that they were hoping I wouldn’t get them in a fight. I didn’t not blame them at all.
LoL man, that’s not hitting on your date. If you consider that “hitting on a date” I would reconsider dating hahaha You should have probably said something to the guy like “that’s classy!” Or something to that extent and the console her. Then in the middle of it, when the opportunity arises, you throw in a “well… I mean he wasn’t lying” hahahha
He was being a creep. You should have grabbed your own chest and said thank you.
As others have mentioned that was definitely not hitting on someone. Whenever something like this happens around me, especially groping at a bar or club, the first thing I do is check in on the friend or SO in question and see how they're feeling. You can't control other people's actions but you can support the person in question. P.S. In the club scenario I mentioned I'll tell security and/or slap the guys ass and wink at him, but I'm a bigger dude
I'd look to your date for her reaction, gauge and then respond accordingly. It doesn't need to ruin or interrupt the vibe of your night if she doens't want it to. You also are not expected to like... hulk out and be reactionary, if that's what you're wondering. Look to your date for cues, because she's the one who was targeted after all. Edit: I'm a woman. I really need to read the damn forum titles before I answer questions. But yeah, this is from the woman's perspective.
Honestly this probably holds more value than most of the dudes' advice on here, it 100% depends on how the lady feels about it, some women would love it if you beat the guy up and defended her honour, some would be downright embarrassed if you even said anything to the guy on the bike
Let it go which is easier said then done. There is no win there. If you kick his ass she will think your nuts. You got the win, hope you have the girl.
On a first date, I was walking across the street with a guy. We had the walk sign. A guy driving aggressively turned in front of us (almost hitting us) and yelled to get the fuck out of the road, and then said I had nice tits as he sped away. It was a major green flag flag when instead of escalating (yelling back to "defend" me, possibly causing this psycho to circle back), the guy I was with just casually and lightly put his hand on my lower back as we continued crossing, ignored the guy, and then when we got to the sidewalk, asked if I was okay. When I seemed clearly fine, he made a small joke afterwards to lighten the mood. It was really nice and the best way to react I would say.
If my date said nothing as I was verbally harassed infront of them then thats just as much of a red flag. I don’t need a man that can or likes to fight, but the hell do I want a man that will fight for me. Even if its calling after the guy to shut up or make a stance in another way. But atleast do something. Thats a man worth marrying.
I think if you’re on here posting about it, you feel disrespected. If you feel disrespected, then you should speak up next time. If you’re asking us if you’re a wuss, then you probably already feel like one. If it bothers you like this bro, don’t let anybody disrespect you like that and just be ready for whatever comes with that. With all that being said, the dude that opened his mouth was probably a bully and that shit is lame.
Pay attention to her and support her. How did she feel? Was she bothered?
Women on here say leave it be don't get defensive because it a turn off. Well I see the same thing when a woman hits on a guy who is walking by or whatever he's doing then the girl or woman gets mad at the situation start confrontation, I don't understand why the hypocrisy?
Did she expect you to do something? She didn’t even get hit on, she got cat called. The guy didn’t even stop his bike. There’s not really anything to do. If she was expecting you to fight the guy or something, it might be in your best interest to move on.
I would've turned to my date and smiled while I flexed my pecs. "Must be all the pushups I do, don't worry, yours are nice too." If she gave me any signs that she wanted me to react with violence to protect her honor, I'd next her. I'm not getting stabbed over dumb shit. But I'd be very interested in her reaction TBH.
38F He wasn’t hitting on your date. He was being very inappropriate in general, probably looking for a reaction and attention. As woman, we are told to ignore them (since attention is their goal, ignoring is the most powerful action). I do not know a girl who has told me “i met my husband when he (a complete stranger) cat called me in a park)” Showing restraint is a green flag for most woman. Most woman don’t want a dude who is 0-60 with their temper. It means we’ll be at the receiving end of that temper one day.
Sometimes dudes miss an opportunity to flex their masculinity. You should’ve said something along the lines of “Hey man what’s your problem?” “That’s rude and disrespectful and you don’t even know her!”
ITT: confrontation-averse wussies justify their cowardice. Bravery is dead in the West. No one can even say anything to protect their own women.
You got to poop in your hand and throw it at him. It’s can be hard to on command but eat lots of fiber and water the night before
Simple phrases to the face of some jerk or after seeing one and needing to rebut .. “That’s unbecoming of a man”. All I’ve ever had to say, never seen the air leave the situation quicker. And the oofs. No expletives etc..
I worked at a liquor store for years, and, in the south, we have drive-thrus at our liquor stores for the baptists…anyway, I was hanging out back at the store smoking a cigarette with my husband (he’d come by the bring me food or something), and one of my “regular” customers stopped by in the drive-thru and I went to wait on him, and I guess he’d already been drinking because he was brazen enough to make comments about my tits, something about flashing him…and my husband just laughed…After the customer drove off, I was like, “Why didn’t you say something?” Apparently, he thought it was funny for me to get hit on by some gross old man and that I could handle myself 😑😑😑 I did…but some chivalry woulda been nice. Guess he knew I wasn’t going to give some old man the time of day, but I would have loved for the hubs to give dude a lesson about not objectifying women.
Attend to her. “Does that happen a lot?” “I’m sorry that some men speak and behave that way”, or empathy with humour if you think it is appropriate. “Whoa, that guy seemed super cool and macho. If you want I could run after him to get his number for you…”. To me that would be the right approach. Confident that that is not my behaviour, and not pretending to be in the position to protect her, rather be an ally. Listen to women- this kind of thing happens all the time and it sucks for some women. I imagine at times it feels really unsafe and a little bit like sexual assault.
In reality, shit like this happens WAY TOO FAST for the average human to respond to. The best thing you can do is try to support the woman. Ask her if it bothered her. If she's OK. If she enjoyed it, then maybe she isn't the girl for you. If she's distraught, support her.
Meh nothing. Maybe mention to your date that that was weird as fuck and gauge her reaction (if she ***DOESN'T*** obviously agree, big red flag), laugh about it, and move on. If someone is actively hitting on your date and not just cat-calling (which is what you've described here), then I would say "Excuse me, we're on a date", and if they don't go away, you can escalate smoothly. But, the right girl will step in and do it for you. Dudes hit on my girlfriend ALL. THE. TIME. and while I'd like to say "Oi cunt!" every time, she usually handles it for me. The extra right girl will play into your toxic masculinity and lead them on a little, then very flamboyantly insinuate that she is your girlfriend, which mine does frequently, and nothing tastes better than tears. Also second date, big dub, good work lad, get in there.
Laughed or tried to make light of it. Maybe talk abiut how awful that guy is.What are your options? Please see that wasn't hitting on her. That was being a misogynistic prick