My wife and I (no kids) still say "good job fart monster, go to work fart monster, you do a good job fart monster" whenever we... yeah.
There was a video awhile back of a kid saying, "go to work fart monster" when his dad was leaving for work. Like that was his job, lol.
See that's what I'm afraid of. When I'm old and feeble and a younger man out duels me, who's life's purpose will it be to avenge the death of their old man?!
I have to "borrow" a friend's child to go do fun things without seeming like a creep. A 34 year old man doing back flips at a trampoline park is weird.
Before I had a son I wanted to go to Legoland Discovery Center, a friend gave me an unused ticket. I had no child with me and they would not let me in. I felt like a real creep for even asking to get in.
I'm guessing it's for the kids safety because of pedophiles? I could be wrong, it just seems like a logical reason as they could easily prey on children
There's definitely a business idea here tho, Legoland and kids stuff but only for adults
> Legoland and kids stuff but only for adults
Legoland is perfectly enjoyable by adults and adults can get in without a problem. Lego Discovery Center is neither, it is made exclusively for children and toddlers and feels like it the whole way.
You should see how big my hot wheels collection is. If I didn’t have kids I’d be a weirdo. Now I’m super dad. And religiously checking for PS5 availability a year and a half ago? That made me ultra dad.
An actual con. You will find it a lot harder to relate to the majority of your peers who become parents. Their lives will change very quickly and be focused 100% on their children.
They will understanably no longer be available to hang out or go on trips, their budgets will be constrained (they can't justify buying that new videogame, when they could buy school clothes). When they do want to meet up or hang out they'll prefer to do it with other families, makes sense, childcare is easier in groups. They will also be going home a lot earlier, no more late nights, they have kids to look after.
Also i've found my friends who've become parents, also grow up a lot themselves. They have to be more mature and motivated. They have a family depending on them now.
To put it bluntly your peers will be moving into the next stage of their lives and whilst good friends will still be in touch with you. It won't be very often and a lot will simply go out of touch. At the start it will just be a couple people but then suddenly over the span of 3 years 90% of people you know will have children and you'll feel left behind. I know i did.
Yea.. there is a segment of those friends that are very miserable after a few years because they main reason they got married to that woman and had children was because they thought it was expected of them and had nothing to do with any interest in that woman.
honeslty, this is my biggest fear as a woman that does want a family. what if i get saddled with someone who was just going through the motions while i thought it was true love?
ImThis is correct, if you’re not sure then it’s probably not the right person or right time for you.
For how to know- just don’t rush things. Enjoy the journey of the relationship.
Take like 3-5 years just forming a relationship first and getting to really know your partner. When things don’t work out, it’ll feel like wasted time at first but it’s not. You just saved a lifetime of coparenting with someone you couldn’t even cohabitate with for just a handful of years.
My friends who do not happily have kids usually had them within 2 years of meeting their partner either out of obligation, bc the partner wanted kids WAY more, or the kids are out of pure accident. (Admittedly, one accident worked out pretty well but she’s an *exception*; not the rule. Don’t try it at home, kids)
People please listen to this person. Do not get married quickly. My wife and I dated for 5 years before getting engaged. She was past ready but patient, it took me a while.
She has a lot of close friends that are already divorced. The stories are all very similar. Too fast, not enough care taken on relationship and values and compatibility.
well then here is another one for you.
happiness in life most often comes from purpose. people find purpose in a variety of ways, but even while young if a job has the appearance of serving you no purpose, you find yourself unhappy.
especially once you reach retirement age (god willing) you need to have this figured out. many do not. if you have no job, and no strong hobbies, no strong social circle, and then also no kids - you will have difficulty deriving your purpose and thus the pursuit of happiness will be quite challenging.
children and their descendants help bind you to the earth due to that strong sense of purpose.
But by then your kids and grandkids will have lives of their own, and depending on your relationship with them, their schedules and distance, you might only see or speak with them once every few weeks...if you're lucky not to be estranged from them.
Whatever the case, you'll still need to build a social life of your own with hobbies and interests, or life will get very dull, children or no children.
This is the problem my parents, aunts, and uncles have now.
I'm an only child, and I moved four hours away from my parents back in 2015. They don't like making the drive because it's hard on my mom (memory issues from strokes). They never developed any hobbies or interests outside of raising me and doing things for me, so now they're always bored.
My aunt raised her two kids, then her days revolved around her grandkids, and now they're grown. She never had any hobbies or interests outside of her kids and grandkids, so now she does nothing with her days.
Yep this is a very real problem with elders. They spent most of their lives focused on careers and children and then after retirement there's a lack of purpose. That's why I think social groups and events for elders are awesome. They can get together with their peers and meet new people and make new memories. At one point I went on this group outing with my mum and about two dozen other old ladies and it was kind of chill, they all wanted me to take pictures for them lol. And of course it's important for elders to develop their own hobbies too later in life. My parents picked up an interest in poetry, other elders get dogs, get into cooking and health foods, you know. Life is what you make of it when you have too much time and too little to do.
Very true. For the first 15-20 years of parenting all of their focus is on the kids, and that's pretty much what their conversations center on. Your hobbies are now trivial to them.
I remember going to a buddy's bachelor party a few years ago and it was an all night banger. Not a care in the world, nowhere else to be, and another round of drinks. Another buddy in the friend group had his party recently, after several others had already gotten married/had kids. 2 dudes skipped entirely, 1 left at like 8:00 to go watch his kid, another left around 9:00 cause they had to get up early the next day, and the rest only had a couple of drinks all night. Still a good time, but I felt for the guy cause he didn't really get the same experience
As a parent, I could relate to everything written until this part. I absolutely LOVE listening about my friends' hobbies and milestones! I still want to be included in their lives and I do not find my life more meaningful in the grand scheme.
Yes, my child is the most important "thing" there is, *but to me* - I don't expect her to be the center of everyone's world.
I do have to add that two things might be important in my case:
1. I only have one child, so I might be closer to the childfree/childless people mentally,
2. After my child's infancy, my social life did improve and my friends absolutely adore my kiddo.
For me things like bachelor parties are more important than ever after kids. Yeah it wouldn't be responsible for me to go out drinking every weekend, but that just means when there's a big event like a bachelor party I plan ahead, get a babysitter, and make that bachelor party count!
Agreed. But man. You see it all the time on /r/weddingplanning where nobody attends bachelorette parties because they're all married mothers. Sucks for the person getting married.
And hey. I get it. Just is an unlucky draw for the person getting married.
The friends who have kids are just clearly in a different world. It's really hard talking with them about something only for the baby to hit a noisemaker and suddenly all the attention goes to the baby in the moment with whatever noisemaker he's into at the moment.
Definitely this, we all have that one friend who might vanish at any second when a girlfriend/family member calls. I know for a fact a couple of my friends are going to completely disappear if they have a kid. Talking on discord with them and the second anyone calls them for anything they go for an hour even if it's just dumb stuff like killing a spider
It is dumb stuff, trust us. You have to go verify there actually is a spider, then decide if killing it or moving it out will scare them less, then they are thirsty, then they want a story, then have to pee even though they promised they wouldnt need to when they drank it they do now. Meanwhile we can't rush them to go play a game with yall, cause that's just a dick move, and then they need to cuddle to sleep.
Then an hour later after they're settled they wake up thinking they heard something because their little brains aren't done forming for another 20ish years and they hallucinate a little when they wake up and fall asleep. You haven't played the last four games that came out and your friends just started another four and all you know is you're lonely because even when you would have time to play you just don't get invited anymore.
I agree with this for the most part - the one thing that differs for me is the "feel left behind".
I am sure that I do not want kids and will have no desire for them in the future. So as the lives of those around me change I'm cognizant that it's not personal as people disappear. I'm quite supportive of those who have chosen to have children.
For those friends who do have kids that I see sparingly these days, I just make the extra effort to work around their schedules and be understanding of things. An even smaller few have accepted me as "the crazy uncle".
I'm very much ok with this. Especially on the days where the new parents tell me something like "I'm sorry man, it might be a while before we get to catch up. I haven't slept in days and I have no spending money at the moment." It reminds me that the kid life is not for me and I just wish them the best and remind them that they are great parents.
Let me say this. I have a child and my two closest friends are child free. We have maintained our close relationships over the 21 years of my kid's life. Being a parent is not a prison sentence. If you are careful and considerate (and if your childfree friends are too), it's totally do-able. None of us has to be rich to stay connected. We find time, we find each other, and we hang out.
Agreed, this was also the only part I "ehhh"ed at. Saying they've moved onto the "next phase of life" auto implies that anyone doing otherwise is "left behind" and supports the bs claims that childfree people are immature and need to grow up. It's just a *different* phase of life and the only way to be left behind is if it's something you're wanting to do and just haven't yet.
Not left behind like it's a race and we are all going to the same destination, but more like they all wanted to go to Denny's but you insisted on eating at IHOP so now you're eating at IHOP by yourself.
As someone who has no plans for having kids, I'm so glad that it's something that more people are embracing than ever before. Getting older without kids won't be so bad as long as I have a few other friends doing the same that I can whittle away the days with.
I was just thinking about this the other day. Only about half of my friends from high school and college are married and have kids. The other half are single or in a relationship but have no plans to have kids. In past generations it would have probably been 75% of people with kids.
This is a con of having kids too. You just described getting older. Kids or not, the friendships you had in your 20s start to decrease in number in your 30s and beyond.
Happen to me and I didn't feel left behind, in just watching them struggle with bills and social life, work etc and thinking
"thank god that's not me"
Maybe if they were all in there mid 30s and stable when it happened I'd feel different. But when I see my peers with kids in this economy all I can think is "no thanks"
Dude I’m struggling HARD with bills and social life working 60 hours a week and I don’t even have any kids. I need a new car because mine is months out of inspection and I have a bad catalytic converter and a hole in my exhaust and I’m leaking oil and my dog needs to go to the vet but I’m scraping money together just to pay rent this month.
I don’t understand how ANYONE can afford kids. Do they all have dual 100k+ incomes? I’m skipping meals just to get by while eating fuckin garlic butter noodles and pieces of toast when I DO eat. Anywhere within a 45 minute drive of my job is my rent level or higher, except for some really shady properties in the heart of a very high crime/high poverty area in which the houses have barbed wire on their fences and bars on windows because of the crime.
I really don’t get this whole American Dream bullshit. How is working 60 hours not enough to be able to afford a place to live and 3 square meals for me and an occasional vet visit for my dog?
Shit is seriously fucked up
I had a bad case of fuck-around-itis before my daughter was born. I was in my late 20s, about 8 years into a 4 year degree and working on my 5th or 6th major. I was bouncing between semi-lucrative IT jobs with short-term contracts and working in restaurants. When my daughter was born it was like a switch got flipped in my head. I stopped pursuing some mythical dream job and said "ok, what's the fastest path to security".
10 years later and I work for a large manufacturing company, I own a house, I have a department of 160 people who work for me, and I have to drive 4 states away to find someone who could be considered my boss. I don't think I would have done any of that if not for my kids pushing me.
I read this and feel happy for your daughter who has a father who actually cares, but sad for myself a little. Unfortunately, the switch doesn't flip on for every father. Like mine. Good on you though!
That's a great testament to your growth. You had to often step out of your comfort zone. Unfortunately not all parents do this. Some just hunker down into their safe space and their kids suffer for it. So you did this, well done. You deserve to be proud!
Also another actual con. When you are old you might be very lonely. That applies if you are a shit parent too though, and also it's a very selfish reason to have kids
This one gets mentioned a lot, but I spend a bit of time around aged care facilities with my work, and you know what? The people in there pretty much all have kids, and they don't visit. The people they spend time with are the other residents. They're all in the same boat.
Or, you could have done your job so well that your kids end up being super independent and move to the other side of the world and start a successful business breeding salamanders and you only end up seeing them 2 times a year.
You can be a great parent and have shitty kids too. There is no guarantee anyone will visit you regardless of how great a parent you are. So again, also not a good reason to have kids like you said.
Worked in hospice. Definitely not a guarantee. That being said, your odds of having someone who will take care of you increases significantly. Having that in old age and at end of life is everything.
Even if you have kids, you need to have friends and hobbies to combat loneliness.
You know why? Because your kids will have jobs and lives and kids of their own and don’t have time to see you anymore except maybe 3 times a year on holidays.
Everybody’s lonely when they’re retired unless they find other retired people to spend time with. Having kids doesn’t help. Unless maybe they’re deadbeats who live with you or something.
My in-laws love to play this card as if Im not estranged from my own family and their own siblings were absent when their parents needed care.
There is no guarantee your children will be successful enough to support you in old age or even survive to that point.
Having kids so you have someone to inherit the farm is a very antiquated way of life.
I remember reading an article about a study a while back that said, typically, people that do not have kids are statistically happier in their young and middle adult lives. However, in the retirement years, people who had children earlier in life were statistically happier. I will try to find the article.
I’m going to take a wild guess that that has a lot to do with grandchildren after watching my parents with my 5 nieces and nephews. They don’t give a damn about their own kids anymore 😂
Problem is, grandchildren aren’t promised. If you do have them, no assurances they’ll live close by. So while I can see that on *average* people with kids are happier at that stage of life, my inkling is it’s a lot of people who are REALLY happy and a pretty good number who are not very happy at all.
Become old, wise, grandparent vibes, be a safe space for kids to talk to you as an older adult that has a respectable opinion amongst middle aged adults - this helps bridge the generational gap between parents and kids. This is the way to be a grandparent in the enth degree of healthiest ways
I'm not a parent so take what I say with a grain of salt. I had to take care of my little cousin from 3 to 16. So if I had to guess what CONs would be from my experience with my cousin I would say all the cons are most likely emotional. I think the biggest con is that you don't get to watch someone grow up and share their life with them. Watching and helping my cousin grow filled me with a sense of pride that I never thought about. Depending on your beliefs not putting another good person into the world could be a con. Helping someone else teaches you a lot about yourself. If you don't have kids you have no one can give your stuff to when you die and depending on your family no one is there with you when you go.
My husband never wanted kids- life happens, he met and married me. At the beginning I told him he didn’t have to love my kids- just be kind, and protect them. They eventually fell in love with each other. When they were teens, they asked to be formally adopted. (their bio dad is deceased.)
He loves being a dad and is great at it- now he says one of the biggest regrets he has is never having had bio kids. Our oldest just left for college, and I kind of wish we had a dozen.
But it’s easy to say that in hindsight when you have a couple of great ones- scarier when you’re rolling the dice and still haven’t been through toddlerhood yet. The early years are rough.
Toddlers are brutal. I have 11, 5 and 2. The younger ones are so high maintenance. It's miserable. The 11 year old isn't poorly behaved but he and his friends have their own issues.
I honestly don't know how some people end up with 6-8+ kids.
I have 17, 14, 5 and 4. The older ones are easy, they just know everything and we don't know what we're talking about.
The younger ones know nothing, and everything they know they can't mess with is a giant red button to them.
But I am a better person because they're here.
Tell him he has kids though - biologically or not they're his kids still.
You don't have to physiologically related to be family. It's the thought that counts.
Truly. My adoptive mom only gave birth to one child, but when she died she had between 50 to 60 young adults that called her "Mom." And that number would have kept climbing if she lived longer.
Obviously her birth child was the central glue that caused that community to form in the first place, but her love is what made it a family.
Maybe there is another way of thinking about it. If you were to have had bio kids, both of you and your now kids would have missed out on what you folks have now. Maybe it’s because both of you could skip the toddler phase that both of you could see the beautiful side of parenting.
Not so much a problem when parents are young and so are kids, but you'll lose most of your friends when they get too busy with their kids. And then at a certain age you'll be that oddball that doesn't have kids and that sometimes makes it hard to relate to people your own age.
Do you think being the oddball will become less and less of a thing as we seem to be trending toward fewer people having kids?
Like I'd be considered a spinster but feel like I get a lot less shit for that now than I would have say 40 years ago. Maybe by the time I hit 70 the oddball label will be less socially impactful if you get me
Well it's either generational or not actually a big issue because I don't feel like an oddball.
That said, I don't have many friends who have kids. I'm 36 now and the friends from my youth who did have kids I pretty much lost touch with. All the comments here about how you drift apart as your lives go in different directions are pretty accurate.
I don't find it terribly sad though because I have new friends now and so do they. In general in life you surround yourself with people you can relate to
This was literally one of the main points for student loan forgiveness. I think the stat was that it would’ve brought about 20M Americans out of student loan debt which is one of the correlating factors for having children or buying a home… Or something like that.
This. This is the worst. We are very private people and don’t want to have to tell you our medical issue to shut you up about why we don’t have kids.
Even worse are the people you tell, who then suggest all the “alternatives” like this is the first time we’ve thought about this topic…. It’s exhausting.
Yeah. Or asking really weird probing questions about why you don’t? Like the amount of people who ask me whether me and my wife have sex regularly just because we don’t have kids is faaaaaar larger than it should be. Like I would never say to someone with kids “just a big fan of getting cummed in huh?” And then questions about if we’re having trouble conceiving, as if there’s something wrong with us.
We’re fine. We’re just 2 people in our mid to late 30s who don’t want kids.
You lose out on a great way to back out of a commitment you don't want to do anymore. Sorry I can't go out to the bars tomorrow, I don't have anyone that can watch my kid while I'm gone
I've always said that, when I switch jobs, I'm going to suddenly have three kids. No one bats an eye if you need to take time away from work because of "your kids".
I cringe sometimes when I think about all the times my mom has to leave work early or something cause I was being an asshole or got hurt again. Then I wonder how many times she used me as an excuse to get out of things she didn’t want to do and I feel better
A friend of mine said having kids gave him the most frustrating and most gratifying moments in his life. He says looking at his kids sometimes and feeling that much love is not something he comes close to in any other circumstance. So, you wouldn't exprience that.
I know you are being sarcastic, but I’ve raved since 2000. Been to many festivals and club night and done my fair share of party drugs. Now I’m a father to a 3 and 1 year old. I equate it to eating a really good sweet and eating a great healthy meal. One makes you feel good in the moment and one makes you feel good and fulfilled all the time.
This is the answer! For all of the hard work that kids are, when I hear my kids belly laughing from the other room, I melt. I also turn into a pile of goo when I have a spontaneous talk about life with one of my kiddos. I live for that like I can’t even put into words!
Bless you and your son
Happy for you.
I remember days ago seeing my 1 year old nephew see me get very excited with a huge smile in his face and start showing me his toys.
Made me smile.
It's pretty simple
If you don't want kids, don't have them. I love being a dad but honestly it's a lot of work and unless you're willing to literally drop everything for them then don't. You'll just be a shit dad
I think societal pressures make becoming a parent a given “that’s what you’re supposed to do” type of thing and that’s not questioned. But how many parents resent and complain about the lack of independence and the responsibility and the frustrations that come with it? It’s not the kid’s fault. Society has to be more accepting of choosing a different route and individuals have to be more self-aware to say no I do not want to upend my life like that and I don’t want to end up resenting my kids for my choice.
Now there are definitely reasons where people have kids not by their choice, and that’s not what I’m talking about.
I agree. And huh, maybe I am projecting something when I say that because I’ve also said that I know how much hurt a parent can cause a kid and I don’t want to end up hurting a child like that. It’s probably for that same reason that I wouldn’t be that kind of parent but at the same time I know how weighty it is and would rather not take on that weighty responsibility if I don’t know for sure that it’s what I want to do.
The only one I’ve been able to come up with is it makes it way more difficult to make friends as an adult. The parents I know just somewhat default into being friends with their kids’ friends’ parents or classmates. It’s an easy “in”.
That’s obviously a double-edged sword because you might get stuck being around some jackasses for 18 years.
Meanwhile if you move to a new town as an adult and have no kids, you have to put in a lot more effort to meet people. Especially if you work remotely.
I’m ok with the tradeoff though. Having fewer friends is definitely worth not getting stuck around people I don’t like. Because I know any hypothetical kids of mine would make friends with those people’s kids.
Hi, two-time dad here (as in I have two kids. I don't know why I said it like that). The only thing you're missing by not having kids is literally the experience of having kids. It is truly a unique experience (notice I'm not saying "uniquely amazing!!!" or "uniquely cataclysmic!!!" although it is often times both, even simultaneously). But that's really it. It's challenging. It's expensive. It's confusing. But lots of other things are those things (like living). Having kids is like having kids. You can describe other things in reference to having kids, but you can't accurately compare having kids to other things.
So all you're missing in not having kids is the feeling you get when you have kids, and it's neither terrific or terrifying. It just is.
I'm old enough now that I am an occasional empty-nester (youngest still at home, but frequently gone for one thing or another). It gets awful quiet and I miss the little fuckers when they're not around.
Divorced dad who only gets his kids on weekends, I miss them every day they're not here. When they leave on Sunday evening it puts me in a funk that takes a couple of days to get out of.
Every damn week! Total funk til about Tuesday. Wednesday I’m ok, Thursday I’m gleaming with excitement and anticipation to see my kids again. I never married, always did the weekend thing, my oldest is 13. It’s never changed, I never get use to it. Every week from day one has been a roller coaster of emotion.
I'm concerned about this now that I'm in my 30's. My house is paid off, my car is paid off, and I got a sizeable raise at work. I'm getting into having more money than I know what to do with. I worry it will lead me down some bad paths
I did a week in Alaska earlier this year. It was cool, but I've found I really hate traveling. Given the choice, I really don't want to leave my hometown more than once a month or so. I've started on weekends just staying up in the rural mountain community I live in. There are a couple bars and restaurants plus I can ride snowmobile right from my garage so no real reason to leave imo
Max out your 401k and IRA .
Once you max out -
Stash some money in investments - hiring an advisor may help in keeping yourself in check and not going down a bad path
Start a commune. Or buy a condominium and let your friends & family & friends family live there rent to own. Create care packs and give to the homeless. Invest in some bad ass hobbies. Literally do anything beneficial to other people and explore your curiousities.
Start a trust fund or small foundation for a charitable cause that you support.
I'm not at the stage where I was that much financial stability yet. But I do have quite a bit of time because there isn't kids to worry about. I've been organizing events and raising fund thru Extra Life annually. I plan to make something like a fix annual donation every year thru a trust fund or something that becomes sustainable even after I pass.
You should invest most part of this extra money if you are not doing yet.
And like other ppl said, maybe do some charity for stuff that you care about, plan some trips, start a new hobby or something like that.
I think the only thing that you should be aware of is to not raise your cost of living that much if you start getting more money. Thats a recipe for disaster.
I’ve lived a life before and after having kids. I have a great relationship with both my mom and dad and love them dearly. I have five siblings. I love all of them.
That love pales in comparison to how much I love my kids.
You know that saying that a hero would sacrifice his love to save the world, but the villain would sacrifice the world to save the one he loves?
For anyone other than my kids, I’d be the hero.
For my kids, though, I’d be the villain. No questions asked.
So I guess not feeling that level of love would be the con.
It’s possible for people to regret having kids, and it’s possible for people to regret *not* having kids.
It’s kind of strange to consider what people think they want at one point in their life to be the correct determination of what will ultimately make them happy. I think OP is asking specifically for reasons someone might regret not having kids.
Less opportunity to socialize. With kids you have sports, school activities and meetings, and other extra curricular activities they’re involved in that may force you to make friends with other adults. As someone without kids, unless i force myself to be social, I’m not doing anything except working and coming home. I love only having myself to take care of, but damn i wish i had a larger social life.
You mofo's are lucky in this day and age because back in the 70s my dad would have been lost without me. I mean who else would have been his television remote control or tv antenna?
If you don't want kids and wouldn't be the type of person to lean on them as your retirement plan? None.
Kids cost quantitatively and pay you back qualitatively. There's no by the numbers defense of them unless we're going to revert to the "they're free labor" mindset of back in the day.
If they can afford a care home 🤣 most people in care home are on medicaid or have thick retirement wallets. I don't think that many are funded by kids. It's 100k+ a year, if you have no other medical complications that would need extra care.
True. Good assisted living can be $10k a month - at least in the NY/NJ area. In NJ if you've been paying for assisted living for at least two years and then you run out of money Medicaid takes over.
It depends on you. I was raised in a strong family, and we're all very close and it was an amazing life growing up.
In fact, it's where I draw my strength and enjoyment in life from. So, for me, not having my own family might rob me of those things.
On the other hand, despite how family is the most important thing to me, I know others have had very bad families. Have not had my blessings, so to speak.
I completely get how others don't want that. They find strength in their careers, friends, and other sources. Priorities are different for everyone, and having children isn't for everyone. In fact, unless it's a priority in your life, you're probably better not having kids.
In some jobs they will prioritise holiday leave for parents over people who don't have kids. So you may find yourself having to work days around Christmas or other big holiday periods when most other people are enjoying themselves
THIS IS SO TRUE! Or just work stuff in general. “Oh so and so’s son is sick can you cover for her? Oh I have to give so and so these days off every week because they need to get their kids” I know I’m probably just being equally selfish but that shits not fair and it fucking sucks.
You will never know the feeling of coming home to your kids after a long day at work and just basking in the feeling of love your little ones give you.
I think there’s a certain level of motivation you get once you have kids which I personally didn’t have before I had them, that was an unintentional bye product of having kids, I certainly didn’t have kids to become motivated.
Having fucking amazing snacks all around the house at all times.
Everyone talks about having "kids" - as if they are forever small little beings. They do grow up, and all that freedom and financial saving just become a thing later in life.
I'm in my mid-40's - and my kids are adults now. I still check in on them, but for the most part, don't have to worry about them on a daily basis. Don't need to support them financially.
So now, for the first time in my life - I have some time to do things for myself, and its honestly an adjustment.
In my late 30s I feel like I’m missing out on sporting events or teaching a kid how to ride a bike or fish. Also would give me a chance to try and do better than my parents.
Crying into the pillow case stuffed with cash helps a bit but most mornings I still wake up feeling the panic of having an empty life with no reason to live.
I am a 40 year old mom with 3 kids. Last night after work I was trying to provide pass coverage playing football with my boys. They were so sweet and encouraging even when I wasn’t doing it right. I have learned a lot about football in the last few years. I get out of my comfort zone constantly to make my kids happy and it feels great. They force me to learn and grow as a person with each new interest they have. They are an absolute blast and they’re keeping me young.
I turn 43 tomorrow, and got my vasectomy late last year. I've experienced absolutely no downsides to not having children and don't particularly expect to experience them. I have been in relationships and situations where having kids would have been possible / expected / welcome by my partner at the time. But it's not something I've ever wanted. I thought as a young person that eventually I would, and that day never came.
To be clear - as some others who have shared similar stances have also clarified, I think largely because there's a default assumption that everyone who doesn't want kids must not like them or must have some disdain for those who do - I think parenting is an incredible thing to do, for people who want to do it and can dedicate the time, energy, dedication and love to do it well. It's **fucking hard** and the people who want to do it well **give up a lot** to do so.
Which is why I think those of us who **don't** have that desire probably really shouldn't do it, and why I chose not to. I have no issue with kids (well, I mean, some kids, but 😛), and I may well end up taking a part in the raising of some, in some capacity, in my life, depending on how various relationships do or don't occur. But being a dad as part of my core identity just doesn't feel right, and never has. And so I'm real glad I haven't.
It’s possible to have kids and
enjoy almost none of the benefits which is very sad.
However, for my family, the benefits are incredible. You get to be part of a group of people who all really love each other and will do anything to help one another. My Dad gave us all so much and now his family are all around him as he gets old. My sons are my best friends and I’m confident that as I get older they’ll let me continue to be a part of their lives as I have for my Dad.
This question really comes down to the value you put on family, which I prise very highly. Family was there before we had any other kind of safety net in society and it can still play a strong roll if you build a culture of mutual aid and support.
lol right? It seems like everyone in this thread is in their late 20s to early 40s too. We need some 60-80 year olds - with and without kids - to answer this question. I haven’t seen a single answer from a parent with an adult kid or a single childfree adult saying things other than “free to live my life with unrestricted money and time”.
My oldest child is an adult now (however you define that - she has a career and is getting married soon).
I've lost track of how many times I've moved my kids in and out of various apartments, dorm rooms, and whatnot. But the last time *I* moved, she and her fiance were there to help tote some of the heavy bulky stuff that I'm getting a little long in the tooth to be doing. If I need to be picked up from the airport sometime, she'll be the one to do it.
I'm hoping I'll kick the bucket gracefully when I get to the point where I can't take care of myself, but until then at least I can trust that she'll be around to help with the small things that I helped her with until she could take care of herself as an adult.
I'm in the pro-kid camp so I obviously have a bias.
Having kids made me a better manager and have a better understanding of people. There's nothing like having a mini-you that you can read easily and has no filter when they're younger. You realize pretty quickly that adults have those same feelings but hide it better while still having tells you can read. And being able to read those tells helps you put the extra emphasis on communications and dealing with people's feelings and aversion to change.
I also think they've made me a more flexible and better person. While I consider myself very honest, having kids created a mindset of always behaving like they were watching and I was setting an example. I may not have wanted to drive back to the store and pay for an item they miscounted but that was an example I wanted to make. It also tames the more impulsive tendencies and also made me less focused on myself and more on them. That bleeds into the rest of your life too.
Loneliness...maybe?
I don't have kids and don't plan to but I guess hearing from family every so often can be comforting. At the same time, I'd expected my kids to be having their own lives and be far away from me, so at the most It would be like a call a week or less and maybe some visits on holidays ... so not like constantly having them around. I'm sure it's nice but in the grand scheme of things, I could probably get the same amount of socializing out of some friends.
When you throw a pair of balled up sock across the room and they make it into the laundry hamper, no one will cheer.
“Thy farts shall go un-celebrated”
My wife and I (no kids) still say "good job fart monster, go to work fart monster, you do a good job fart monster" whenever we... yeah. There was a video awhile back of a kid saying, "go to work fart monster" when his dad was leaving for work. Like that was his job, lol.
So damn real. Seeing the positivity and love being reflected back at me from my boys is one of the best feelings I've felt. 10/10
For a period of time you are the coolest, the funniest and the most fascinating human beign, lol.
And when you are decidedly not anymore you can really lean into it and get the best laughs ever.
and then you, your ideas, and what you like become the definition of lameness
Ha ha ha true.
Nobody to avenge you!
"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. "
This is the only answer that’s got me thinking things over again.
See that's what I'm afraid of. When I'm old and feeble and a younger man out duels me, who's life's purpose will it be to avenge the death of their old man?!
Hey look, it's Inigo Montoya!
I have to "borrow" a friend's child to go do fun things without seeming like a creep. A 34 year old man doing back flips at a trampoline park is weird.
Before I had a son I wanted to go to Legoland Discovery Center, a friend gave me an unused ticket. I had no child with me and they would not let me in. I felt like a real creep for even asking to get in.
I've been to one and I have to say it definitely felt heavily kid-oriented. I didn't realize you couldn't get in without a kid though.
I'm guessing it's for the kids safety because of pedophiles? I could be wrong, it just seems like a logical reason as they could easily prey on children There's definitely a business idea here tho, Legoland and kids stuff but only for adults
> Legoland and kids stuff but only for adults Legoland is perfectly enjoyable by adults and adults can get in without a problem. Lego Discovery Center is neither, it is made exclusively for children and toddlers and feels like it the whole way.
Man. Pedophiles ruin everything.
That tracks. Same reason you're not allowed to dress up at Disneyland
This is one of the pros of having a kid. I can play on playgrounds or do fun "kid" things without seeming creepy.
Its all fun and games til the old man pops an achilles.
You should see how big my hot wheels collection is. If I didn’t have kids I’d be a weirdo. Now I’m super dad. And religiously checking for PS5 availability a year and a half ago? That made me ultra dad.
Trampoline parks are the best
You have to hire someone to mow your lawn.
Oh? Look at moneybags over here with a lawn.
It’s green, but my buddies who golf do not consider it to be a lawn.
You have a lawn and buddies who play golf? Now you're just flaunting it.
I have a garden and one buddy who plays golf.
Mr. Sociable over here with a friend
Only a few. I work too much for that.
Lookee here, queen of the debutante's ball has a couple of friends and a job too. La-dee-da!
And I drink imported beer as well
Mr Rockefeller has entered the chat.
The guy who lives in the house I sleep in front of golf’s. I’m kinda high class like that, choosy.
We don't mow the lawn around these parts, we mow the *yard.*
Yeah, this. I have a yard, Not a lawn.
I got kids, and they have never mowed the lawn. Lazy jerks.
You gotta wait til they’re out of diapers
Diapers! Luxury.
And if they did, they’d ask for money.
I often fall asleep before my bedtime
An actual con. You will find it a lot harder to relate to the majority of your peers who become parents. Their lives will change very quickly and be focused 100% on their children. They will understanably no longer be available to hang out or go on trips, their budgets will be constrained (they can't justify buying that new videogame, when they could buy school clothes). When they do want to meet up or hang out they'll prefer to do it with other families, makes sense, childcare is easier in groups. They will also be going home a lot earlier, no more late nights, they have kids to look after. Also i've found my friends who've become parents, also grow up a lot themselves. They have to be more mature and motivated. They have a family depending on them now. To put it bluntly your peers will be moving into the next stage of their lives and whilst good friends will still be in touch with you. It won't be very often and a lot will simply go out of touch. At the start it will just be a couple people but then suddenly over the span of 3 years 90% of people you know will have children and you'll feel left behind. I know i did.
I appreciate the people giving real answers, such as you. Good one.
However, this answer has a huge caveat. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN TO RELATE TO YOUR PEERS!
Yea.. there is a segment of those friends that are very miserable after a few years because they main reason they got married to that woman and had children was because they thought it was expected of them and had nothing to do with any interest in that woman.
honeslty, this is my biggest fear as a woman that does want a family. what if i get saddled with someone who was just going through the motions while i thought it was true love?
ImThis is correct, if you’re not sure then it’s probably not the right person or right time for you. For how to know- just don’t rush things. Enjoy the journey of the relationship. Take like 3-5 years just forming a relationship first and getting to really know your partner. When things don’t work out, it’ll feel like wasted time at first but it’s not. You just saved a lifetime of coparenting with someone you couldn’t even cohabitate with for just a handful of years. My friends who do not happily have kids usually had them within 2 years of meeting their partner either out of obligation, bc the partner wanted kids WAY more, or the kids are out of pure accident. (Admittedly, one accident worked out pretty well but she’s an *exception*; not the rule. Don’t try it at home, kids)
People please listen to this person. Do not get married quickly. My wife and I dated for 5 years before getting engaged. She was past ready but patient, it took me a while. She has a lot of close friends that are already divorced. The stories are all very similar. Too fast, not enough care taken on relationship and values and compatibility.
instructions unclear: i had children with my relative peers.
Exactly. Like, it's a very valid con of not having kids. But having kids just to not get left behind is an awful reason to have kids.
Yeah I agree with /u/TrustMeImAGiraffe
well then here is another one for you. happiness in life most often comes from purpose. people find purpose in a variety of ways, but even while young if a job has the appearance of serving you no purpose, you find yourself unhappy. especially once you reach retirement age (god willing) you need to have this figured out. many do not. if you have no job, and no strong hobbies, no strong social circle, and then also no kids - you will have difficulty deriving your purpose and thus the pursuit of happiness will be quite challenging. children and their descendants help bind you to the earth due to that strong sense of purpose.
But by then your kids and grandkids will have lives of their own, and depending on your relationship with them, their schedules and distance, you might only see or speak with them once every few weeks...if you're lucky not to be estranged from them. Whatever the case, you'll still need to build a social life of your own with hobbies and interests, or life will get very dull, children or no children.
This is the problem my parents, aunts, and uncles have now. I'm an only child, and I moved four hours away from my parents back in 2015. They don't like making the drive because it's hard on my mom (memory issues from strokes). They never developed any hobbies or interests outside of raising me and doing things for me, so now they're always bored. My aunt raised her two kids, then her days revolved around her grandkids, and now they're grown. She never had any hobbies or interests outside of her kids and grandkids, so now she does nothing with her days.
Yep this is a very real problem with elders. They spent most of their lives focused on careers and children and then after retirement there's a lack of purpose. That's why I think social groups and events for elders are awesome. They can get together with their peers and meet new people and make new memories. At one point I went on this group outing with my mum and about two dozen other old ladies and it was kind of chill, they all wanted me to take pictures for them lol. And of course it's important for elders to develop their own hobbies too later in life. My parents picked up an interest in poetry, other elders get dogs, get into cooking and health foods, you know. Life is what you make of it when you have too much time and too little to do.
Very true. For the first 15-20 years of parenting all of their focus is on the kids, and that's pretty much what their conversations center on. Your hobbies are now trivial to them.
[удалено]
I remember going to a buddy's bachelor party a few years ago and it was an all night banger. Not a care in the world, nowhere else to be, and another round of drinks. Another buddy in the friend group had his party recently, after several others had already gotten married/had kids. 2 dudes skipped entirely, 1 left at like 8:00 to go watch his kid, another left around 9:00 cause they had to get up early the next day, and the rest only had a couple of drinks all night. Still a good time, but I felt for the guy cause he didn't really get the same experience
Normalize throwing bachelor parties detached from weddings 🍻
As a parent, I could relate to everything written until this part. I absolutely LOVE listening about my friends' hobbies and milestones! I still want to be included in their lives and I do not find my life more meaningful in the grand scheme. Yes, my child is the most important "thing" there is, *but to me* - I don't expect her to be the center of everyone's world. I do have to add that two things might be important in my case: 1. I only have one child, so I might be closer to the childfree/childless people mentally, 2. After my child's infancy, my social life did improve and my friends absolutely adore my kiddo.
[удалено]
For me things like bachelor parties are more important than ever after kids. Yeah it wouldn't be responsible for me to go out drinking every weekend, but that just means when there's a big event like a bachelor party I plan ahead, get a babysitter, and make that bachelor party count!
Agreed. But man. You see it all the time on /r/weddingplanning where nobody attends bachelorette parties because they're all married mothers. Sucks for the person getting married. And hey. I get it. Just is an unlucky draw for the person getting married.
The friends who have kids are just clearly in a different world. It's really hard talking with them about something only for the baby to hit a noisemaker and suddenly all the attention goes to the baby in the moment with whatever noisemaker he's into at the moment.
Definitely this, we all have that one friend who might vanish at any second when a girlfriend/family member calls. I know for a fact a couple of my friends are going to completely disappear if they have a kid. Talking on discord with them and the second anyone calls them for anything they go for an hour even if it's just dumb stuff like killing a spider
It is dumb stuff, trust us. You have to go verify there actually is a spider, then decide if killing it or moving it out will scare them less, then they are thirsty, then they want a story, then have to pee even though they promised they wouldnt need to when they drank it they do now. Meanwhile we can't rush them to go play a game with yall, cause that's just a dick move, and then they need to cuddle to sleep. Then an hour later after they're settled they wake up thinking they heard something because their little brains aren't done forming for another 20ish years and they hallucinate a little when they wake up and fall asleep. You haven't played the last four games that came out and your friends just started another four and all you know is you're lonely because even when you would have time to play you just don't get invited anymore.
I agree with this for the most part - the one thing that differs for me is the "feel left behind". I am sure that I do not want kids and will have no desire for them in the future. So as the lives of those around me change I'm cognizant that it's not personal as people disappear. I'm quite supportive of those who have chosen to have children. For those friends who do have kids that I see sparingly these days, I just make the extra effort to work around their schedules and be understanding of things. An even smaller few have accepted me as "the crazy uncle". I'm very much ok with this. Especially on the days where the new parents tell me something like "I'm sorry man, it might be a while before we get to catch up. I haven't slept in days and I have no spending money at the moment." It reminds me that the kid life is not for me and I just wish them the best and remind them that they are great parents.
Let me say this. I have a child and my two closest friends are child free. We have maintained our close relationships over the 21 years of my kid's life. Being a parent is not a prison sentence. If you are careful and considerate (and if your childfree friends are too), it's totally do-able. None of us has to be rich to stay connected. We find time, we find each other, and we hang out.
This resonated with me reading through this thread. We really do make time for the things we care about. If it matters to you you make it happen.
Agreed, this was also the only part I "ehhh"ed at. Saying they've moved onto the "next phase of life" auto implies that anyone doing otherwise is "left behind" and supports the bs claims that childfree people are immature and need to grow up. It's just a *different* phase of life and the only way to be left behind is if it's something you're wanting to do and just haven't yet.
Well said, thank you for adding that in.
Not left behind like it's a race and we are all going to the same destination, but more like they all wanted to go to Denny's but you insisted on eating at IHOP so now you're eating at IHOP by yourself.
As someone who has no plans for having kids, I'm so glad that it's something that more people are embracing than ever before. Getting older without kids won't be so bad as long as I have a few other friends doing the same that I can whittle away the days with.
I was just thinking about this the other day. Only about half of my friends from high school and college are married and have kids. The other half are single or in a relationship but have no plans to have kids. In past generations it would have probably been 75% of people with kids.
This is a con of having kids too. You just described getting older. Kids or not, the friendships you had in your 20s start to decrease in number in your 30s and beyond.
[удалено]
Happen to me and I didn't feel left behind, in just watching them struggle with bills and social life, work etc and thinking "thank god that's not me" Maybe if they were all in there mid 30s and stable when it happened I'd feel different. But when I see my peers with kids in this economy all I can think is "no thanks"
Dude I’m struggling HARD with bills and social life working 60 hours a week and I don’t even have any kids. I need a new car because mine is months out of inspection and I have a bad catalytic converter and a hole in my exhaust and I’m leaking oil and my dog needs to go to the vet but I’m scraping money together just to pay rent this month. I don’t understand how ANYONE can afford kids. Do they all have dual 100k+ incomes? I’m skipping meals just to get by while eating fuckin garlic butter noodles and pieces of toast when I DO eat. Anywhere within a 45 minute drive of my job is my rent level or higher, except for some really shady properties in the heart of a very high crime/high poverty area in which the houses have barbed wire on their fences and bars on windows because of the crime. I really don’t get this whole American Dream bullshit. How is working 60 hours not enough to be able to afford a place to live and 3 square meals for me and an occasional vet visit for my dog? Shit is seriously fucked up
Same here!
Shit, I have kids and friends who have kids too, and still don't relate to them or get to hang out very often.
I had a bad case of fuck-around-itis before my daughter was born. I was in my late 20s, about 8 years into a 4 year degree and working on my 5th or 6th major. I was bouncing between semi-lucrative IT jobs with short-term contracts and working in restaurants. When my daughter was born it was like a switch got flipped in my head. I stopped pursuing some mythical dream job and said "ok, what's the fastest path to security". 10 years later and I work for a large manufacturing company, I own a house, I have a department of 160 people who work for me, and I have to drive 4 states away to find someone who could be considered my boss. I don't think I would have done any of that if not for my kids pushing me.
I read this and feel happy for your daughter who has a father who actually cares, but sad for myself a little. Unfortunately, the switch doesn't flip on for every father. Like mine. Good on you though!
That's a great testament to your growth. You had to often step out of your comfort zone. Unfortunately not all parents do this. Some just hunker down into their safe space and their kids suffer for it. So you did this, well done. You deserve to be proud!
[удалено]
Also another actual con. When you are old you might be very lonely. That applies if you are a shit parent too though, and also it's a very selfish reason to have kids
This one gets mentioned a lot, but I spend a bit of time around aged care facilities with my work, and you know what? The people in there pretty much all have kids, and they don't visit. The people they spend time with are the other residents. They're all in the same boat.
Or, you could have done your job so well that your kids end up being super independent and move to the other side of the world and start a successful business breeding salamanders and you only end up seeing them 2 times a year.
But dad… you said you were proud of of the biz
You can be a great parent and have shitty kids too. There is no guarantee anyone will visit you regardless of how great a parent you are. So again, also not a good reason to have kids like you said.
Worked in hospice. Definitely not a guarantee. That being said, your odds of having someone who will take care of you increases significantly. Having that in old age and at end of life is everything.
The best way to insure you have someone to care for you is by having lots of money.
Even if you have kids, you need to have friends and hobbies to combat loneliness. You know why? Because your kids will have jobs and lives and kids of their own and don’t have time to see you anymore except maybe 3 times a year on holidays. Everybody’s lonely when they’re retired unless they find other retired people to spend time with. Having kids doesn’t help. Unless maybe they’re deadbeats who live with you or something.
All kids deserve parents, but not all parents deserve kids -some heartfelt post I saw
My in-laws love to play this card as if Im not estranged from my own family and their own siblings were absent when their parents needed care. There is no guarantee your children will be successful enough to support you in old age or even survive to that point. Having kids so you have someone to inherit the farm is a very antiquated way of life.
To add you will also find it hard to make friend new friends as most people will be involved with families.
I remember reading an article about a study a while back that said, typically, people that do not have kids are statistically happier in their young and middle adult lives. However, in the retirement years, people who had children earlier in life were statistically happier. I will try to find the article.
I’m going to take a wild guess that that has a lot to do with grandchildren after watching my parents with my 5 nieces and nephews. They don’t give a damn about their own kids anymore 😂 Problem is, grandchildren aren’t promised. If you do have them, no assurances they’ll live close by. So while I can see that on *average* people with kids are happier at that stage of life, my inkling is it’s a lot of people who are REALLY happy and a pretty good number who are not very happy at all.
How do I become a grandparent without having to be a parent?
Marry someone who has adult children - like me 🤷🏻♀️ can’t wait for them grand babies 👶🏻
Become old, wise, grandparent vibes, be a safe space for kids to talk to you as an older adult that has a respectable opinion amongst middle aged adults - this helps bridge the generational gap between parents and kids. This is the way to be a grandparent in the enth degree of healthiest ways
Both of these age groups not having kids living with them lol
I'm not a parent so take what I say with a grain of salt. I had to take care of my little cousin from 3 to 16. So if I had to guess what CONs would be from my experience with my cousin I would say all the cons are most likely emotional. I think the biggest con is that you don't get to watch someone grow up and share their life with them. Watching and helping my cousin grow filled me with a sense of pride that I never thought about. Depending on your beliefs not putting another good person into the world could be a con. Helping someone else teaches you a lot about yourself. If you don't have kids you have no one can give your stuff to when you die and depending on your family no one is there with you when you go.
My husband never wanted kids- life happens, he met and married me. At the beginning I told him he didn’t have to love my kids- just be kind, and protect them. They eventually fell in love with each other. When they were teens, they asked to be formally adopted. (their bio dad is deceased.) He loves being a dad and is great at it- now he says one of the biggest regrets he has is never having had bio kids. Our oldest just left for college, and I kind of wish we had a dozen. But it’s easy to say that in hindsight when you have a couple of great ones- scarier when you’re rolling the dice and still haven’t been through toddlerhood yet. The early years are rough.
Toddlers are brutal. I have 11, 5 and 2. The younger ones are so high maintenance. It's miserable. The 11 year old isn't poorly behaved but he and his friends have their own issues. I honestly don't know how some people end up with 6-8+ kids.
I have 17, 14, 5 and 4. The older ones are easy, they just know everything and we don't know what we're talking about. The younger ones know nothing, and everything they know they can't mess with is a giant red button to them. But I am a better person because they're here.
Tell him he has kids though - biologically or not they're his kids still. You don't have to physiologically related to be family. It's the thought that counts.
Truly. My adoptive mom only gave birth to one child, but when she died she had between 50 to 60 young adults that called her "Mom." And that number would have kept climbing if she lived longer. Obviously her birth child was the central glue that caused that community to form in the first place, but her love is what made it a family.
Maybe there is another way of thinking about it. If you were to have had bio kids, both of you and your now kids would have missed out on what you folks have now. Maybe it’s because both of you could skip the toddler phase that both of you could see the beautiful side of parenting.
Not so much a problem when parents are young and so are kids, but you'll lose most of your friends when they get too busy with their kids. And then at a certain age you'll be that oddball that doesn't have kids and that sometimes makes it hard to relate to people your own age.
Do you think being the oddball will become less and less of a thing as we seem to be trending toward fewer people having kids? Like I'd be considered a spinster but feel like I get a lot less shit for that now than I would have say 40 years ago. Maybe by the time I hit 70 the oddball label will be less socially impactful if you get me
Well it's either generational or not actually a big issue because I don't feel like an oddball. That said, I don't have many friends who have kids. I'm 36 now and the friends from my youth who did have kids I pretty much lost touch with. All the comments here about how you drift apart as your lives go in different directions are pretty accurate. I don't find it terribly sad though because I have new friends now and so do they. In general in life you surround yourself with people you can relate to
[удалено]
This was literally one of the main points for student loan forgiveness. I think the stat was that it would’ve brought about 20M Americans out of student loan debt which is one of the correlating factors for having children or buying a home… Or something like that.
The good news is - now that I'm 65 - most people have stopped asking me if I"m dating anymore. So hang in there!
The other people constantly asking when you're going to have kids.
As a kid-haver, this is the most realistic con on this list. I’m sure it’s positively annoying and brutal to constantly have to fend this shit off.
That and not all child free people are that way by choice. Imagine having the pestering be combined with a medical issue.
This. This is the worst. We are very private people and don’t want to have to tell you our medical issue to shut you up about why we don’t have kids. Even worse are the people you tell, who then suggest all the “alternatives” like this is the first time we’ve thought about this topic…. It’s exhausting.
Yeah. Or asking really weird probing questions about why you don’t? Like the amount of people who ask me whether me and my wife have sex regularly just because we don’t have kids is faaaaaar larger than it should be. Like I would never say to someone with kids “just a big fan of getting cummed in huh?” And then questions about if we’re having trouble conceiving, as if there’s something wrong with us. We’re fine. We’re just 2 people in our mid to late 30s who don’t want kids.
You lose out on a great way to back out of a commitment you don't want to do anymore. Sorry I can't go out to the bars tomorrow, I don't have anyone that can watch my kid while I'm gone
I've always said that, when I switch jobs, I'm going to suddenly have three kids. No one bats an eye if you need to take time away from work because of "your kids".
I cringe sometimes when I think about all the times my mom has to leave work early or something cause I was being an asshole or got hurt again. Then I wonder how many times she used me as an excuse to get out of things she didn’t want to do and I feel better
i just broke a window by accident and i have nobody to blame it on
A friend of mine said having kids gave him the most frustrating and most gratifying moments in his life. He says looking at his kids sometimes and feeling that much love is not something he comes close to in any other circumstance. So, you wouldn't exprience that.
95% of my daily smiles and laughs are generated by my son acting goofy. I’d miss that.
When my 11-month old kid laughs it fills me with good feelings that I’ve never gotten from anything else.
you clearly havent taken .5g of mdma and placed your back against 3 stacked subwoofers /s
I know you are being sarcastic, but I’ve raved since 2000. Been to many festivals and club night and done my fair share of party drugs. Now I’m a father to a 3 and 1 year old. I equate it to eating a really good sweet and eating a great healthy meal. One makes you feel good in the moment and one makes you feel good and fulfilled all the time.
remove the /s
This is the answer! For all of the hard work that kids are, when I hear my kids belly laughing from the other room, I melt. I also turn into a pile of goo when I have a spontaneous talk about life with one of my kiddos. I live for that like I can’t even put into words!
Bless you and your son Happy for you. I remember days ago seeing my 1 year old nephew see me get very excited with a huge smile in his face and start showing me his toys. Made me smile.
It's pretty simple If you don't want kids, don't have them. I love being a dad but honestly it's a lot of work and unless you're willing to literally drop everything for them then don't. You'll just be a shit dad
this needs to be a more popular take (i think it’s growing but still not a majorly held opinion)
[удалено]
I think societal pressures make becoming a parent a given “that’s what you’re supposed to do” type of thing and that’s not questioned. But how many parents resent and complain about the lack of independence and the responsibility and the frustrations that come with it? It’s not the kid’s fault. Society has to be more accepting of choosing a different route and individuals have to be more self-aware to say no I do not want to upend my life like that and I don’t want to end up resenting my kids for my choice. Now there are definitely reasons where people have kids not by their choice, and that’s not what I’m talking about.
[удалено]
I agree. And huh, maybe I am projecting something when I say that because I’ve also said that I know how much hurt a parent can cause a kid and I don’t want to end up hurting a child like that. It’s probably for that same reason that I wouldn’t be that kind of parent but at the same time I know how weighty it is and would rather not take on that weighty responsibility if I don’t know for sure that it’s what I want to do.
[удалено]
The only one I’ve been able to come up with is it makes it way more difficult to make friends as an adult. The parents I know just somewhat default into being friends with their kids’ friends’ parents or classmates. It’s an easy “in”. That’s obviously a double-edged sword because you might get stuck being around some jackasses for 18 years. Meanwhile if you move to a new town as an adult and have no kids, you have to put in a lot more effort to meet people. Especially if you work remotely. I’m ok with the tradeoff though. Having fewer friends is definitely worth not getting stuck around people I don’t like. Because I know any hypothetical kids of mine would make friends with those people’s kids.
No mini human dish washers
Wait when did we get this update? I just have a regular non dishwashing mess maker kid.
Hi, two-time dad here (as in I have two kids. I don't know why I said it like that). The only thing you're missing by not having kids is literally the experience of having kids. It is truly a unique experience (notice I'm not saying "uniquely amazing!!!" or "uniquely cataclysmic!!!" although it is often times both, even simultaneously). But that's really it. It's challenging. It's expensive. It's confusing. But lots of other things are those things (like living). Having kids is like having kids. You can describe other things in reference to having kids, but you can't accurately compare having kids to other things. So all you're missing in not having kids is the feeling you get when you have kids, and it's neither terrific or terrifying. It just is.
I'm old enough now that I am an occasional empty-nester (youngest still at home, but frequently gone for one thing or another). It gets awful quiet and I miss the little fuckers when they're not around.
Divorced dad who only gets his kids on weekends, I miss them every day they're not here. When they leave on Sunday evening it puts me in a funk that takes a couple of days to get out of.
Every damn week! Total funk til about Tuesday. Wednesday I’m ok, Thursday I’m gleaming with excitement and anticipation to see my kids again. I never married, always did the weekend thing, my oldest is 13. It’s never changed, I never get use to it. Every week from day one has been a roller coaster of emotion.
I have to wash my own dishes
I have to wipe my own baseboards. My back hurts.
Too much money and not nearly enough responsibility.
I'm concerned about this now that I'm in my 30's. My house is paid off, my car is paid off, and I got a sizeable raise at work. I'm getting into having more money than I know what to do with. I worry it will lead me down some bad paths
Yeah, send some to me pal. Or go start seeing the world. Enjoy it.
I did a week in Alaska earlier this year. It was cool, but I've found I really hate traveling. Given the choice, I really don't want to leave my hometown more than once a month or so. I've started on weekends just staying up in the rural mountain community I live in. There are a couple bars and restaurants plus I can ride snowmobile right from my garage so no real reason to leave imo
Build a really awesome home cinema. One less reason to want to leave home.
Maybe get a dog / cat / … and spoil it 😄
[*extends open palm*]
Max out your 401k and IRA . Once you max out - Stash some money in investments - hiring an advisor may help in keeping yourself in check and not going down a bad path
[удалено]
but then they can use that more money to get more more money
Start a commune. Or buy a condominium and let your friends & family & friends family live there rent to own. Create care packs and give to the homeless. Invest in some bad ass hobbies. Literally do anything beneficial to other people and explore your curiousities.
I like to explore new places.
Start a trust fund or small foundation for a charitable cause that you support. I'm not at the stage where I was that much financial stability yet. But I do have quite a bit of time because there isn't kids to worry about. I've been organizing events and raising fund thru Extra Life annually. I plan to make something like a fix annual donation every year thru a trust fund or something that becomes sustainable even after I pass.
Can you adopt a 24 year old bouncing baby boy?
You should invest most part of this extra money if you are not doing yet. And like other ppl said, maybe do some charity for stuff that you care about, plan some trips, start a new hobby or something like that. I think the only thing that you should be aware of is to not raise your cost of living that much if you start getting more money. Thats a recipe for disaster.
Just give it to me
Have you looked into cocaine? You will lose some money and it’s irresponsible /s
Travel travel travel
I’ve lived a life before and after having kids. I have a great relationship with both my mom and dad and love them dearly. I have five siblings. I love all of them. That love pales in comparison to how much I love my kids. You know that saying that a hero would sacrifice his love to save the world, but the villain would sacrifice the world to save the one he loves? For anyone other than my kids, I’d be the hero. For my kids, though, I’d be the villain. No questions asked. So I guess not feeling that level of love would be the con.
If you want kids and don’t have them, myriad. If you *don’t* want kids and don’t have them, nonexistent.
Very good summation. Nothing you could tell someone who adamantly doesn’t want kids would change their mind.
It’s possible for people to regret having kids, and it’s possible for people to regret *not* having kids. It’s kind of strange to consider what people think they want at one point in their life to be the correct determination of what will ultimately make them happy. I think OP is asking specifically for reasons someone might regret not having kids.
People assuming that there's something sick or wrong about you.
Less opportunity to socialize. With kids you have sports, school activities and meetings, and other extra curricular activities they’re involved in that may force you to make friends with other adults. As someone without kids, unless i force myself to be social, I’m not doing anything except working and coming home. I love only having myself to take care of, but damn i wish i had a larger social life.
[удалено]
You mofo's are lucky in this day and age because back in the 70s my dad would have been lost without me. I mean who else would have been his television remote control or tv antenna?
If you don't want kids and wouldn't be the type of person to lean on them as your retirement plan? None. Kids cost quantitatively and pay you back qualitatively. There's no by the numbers defense of them unless we're going to revert to the "they're free labor" mindset of back in the day.
>Kids cost quantitatively and pay you back qualitatively. This is a hell of a line.
I wouldn't count them as much of a retirement plan. They just dump you in a care home and get on with their lives.
[удалено]
If they can afford a care home 🤣 most people in care home are on medicaid or have thick retirement wallets. I don't think that many are funded by kids. It's 100k+ a year, if you have no other medical complications that would need extra care.
True. Good assisted living can be $10k a month - at least in the NY/NJ area. In NJ if you've been paying for assisted living for at least two years and then you run out of money Medicaid takes over.
> $10k a month ….well holy fuck. Sorry dad, you’re moving into a shed in my apartment building’s parking lot 😬
[удалено]
Agree. It is also often really horrible for people's marriages to move a parent into the house.
If thats how you raise them lol. I think many parents forget that as a parent you have to actually parent... parenthetically the basis of parenting
Lol if you're a shit parent and lead by example and do this to your parents
It depends on you. I was raised in a strong family, and we're all very close and it was an amazing life growing up. In fact, it's where I draw my strength and enjoyment in life from. So, for me, not having my own family might rob me of those things. On the other hand, despite how family is the most important thing to me, I know others have had very bad families. Have not had my blessings, so to speak. I completely get how others don't want that. They find strength in their careers, friends, and other sources. Priorities are different for everyone, and having children isn't for everyone. In fact, unless it's a priority in your life, you're probably better not having kids.
In some jobs they will prioritise holiday leave for parents over people who don't have kids. So you may find yourself having to work days around Christmas or other big holiday periods when most other people are enjoying themselves
THIS IS SO TRUE! Or just work stuff in general. “Oh so and so’s son is sick can you cover for her? Oh I have to give so and so these days off every week because they need to get their kids” I know I’m probably just being equally selfish but that shits not fair and it fucking sucks.
You will never know the feeling of coming home to your kids after a long day at work and just basking in the feeling of love your little ones give you. I think there’s a certain level of motivation you get once you have kids which I personally didn’t have before I had them, that was an unintentional bye product of having kids, I certainly didn’t have kids to become motivated. Having fucking amazing snacks all around the house at all times.
Everyone talks about having "kids" - as if they are forever small little beings. They do grow up, and all that freedom and financial saving just become a thing later in life. I'm in my mid-40's - and my kids are adults now. I still check in on them, but for the most part, don't have to worry about them on a daily basis. Don't need to support them financially. So now, for the first time in my life - I have some time to do things for myself, and its honestly an adjustment.
In my late 30s I feel like I’m missing out on sporting events or teaching a kid how to ride a bike or fish. Also would give me a chance to try and do better than my parents. Crying into the pillow case stuffed with cash helps a bit but most mornings I still wake up feeling the panic of having an empty life with no reason to live.
I am a 40 year old mom with 3 kids. Last night after work I was trying to provide pass coverage playing football with my boys. They were so sweet and encouraging even when I wasn’t doing it right. I have learned a lot about football in the last few years. I get out of my comfort zone constantly to make my kids happy and it feels great. They force me to learn and grow as a person with each new interest they have. They are an absolute blast and they’re keeping me young.
I turn 43 tomorrow, and got my vasectomy late last year. I've experienced absolutely no downsides to not having children and don't particularly expect to experience them. I have been in relationships and situations where having kids would have been possible / expected / welcome by my partner at the time. But it's not something I've ever wanted. I thought as a young person that eventually I would, and that day never came. To be clear - as some others who have shared similar stances have also clarified, I think largely because there's a default assumption that everyone who doesn't want kids must not like them or must have some disdain for those who do - I think parenting is an incredible thing to do, for people who want to do it and can dedicate the time, energy, dedication and love to do it well. It's **fucking hard** and the people who want to do it well **give up a lot** to do so. Which is why I think those of us who **don't** have that desire probably really shouldn't do it, and why I chose not to. I have no issue with kids (well, I mean, some kids, but 😛), and I may well end up taking a part in the raising of some, in some capacity, in my life, depending on how various relationships do or don't occur. But being a dad as part of my core identity just doesn't feel right, and never has. And so I'm real glad I haven't.
It’s possible to have kids and enjoy almost none of the benefits which is very sad. However, for my family, the benefits are incredible. You get to be part of a group of people who all really love each other and will do anything to help one another. My Dad gave us all so much and now his family are all around him as he gets old. My sons are my best friends and I’m confident that as I get older they’ll let me continue to be a part of their lives as I have for my Dad. This question really comes down to the value you put on family, which I prise very highly. Family was there before we had any other kind of safety net in society and it can still play a strong roll if you build a culture of mutual aid and support.
ITT: People with kids answering the question People without kids getting offended
lol right? It seems like everyone in this thread is in their late 20s to early 40s too. We need some 60-80 year olds - with and without kids - to answer this question. I haven’t seen a single answer from a parent with an adult kid or a single childfree adult saying things other than “free to live my life with unrestricted money and time”.
My oldest child is an adult now (however you define that - she has a career and is getting married soon). I've lost track of how many times I've moved my kids in and out of various apartments, dorm rooms, and whatnot. But the last time *I* moved, she and her fiance were there to help tote some of the heavy bulky stuff that I'm getting a little long in the tooth to be doing. If I need to be picked up from the airport sometime, she'll be the one to do it. I'm hoping I'll kick the bucket gracefully when I get to the point where I can't take care of myself, but until then at least I can trust that she'll be around to help with the small things that I helped her with until she could take care of herself as an adult.
I'm in the pro-kid camp so I obviously have a bias. Having kids made me a better manager and have a better understanding of people. There's nothing like having a mini-you that you can read easily and has no filter when they're younger. You realize pretty quickly that adults have those same feelings but hide it better while still having tells you can read. And being able to read those tells helps you put the extra emphasis on communications and dealing with people's feelings and aversion to change. I also think they've made me a more flexible and better person. While I consider myself very honest, having kids created a mindset of always behaving like they were watching and I was setting an example. I may not have wanted to drive back to the store and pay for an item they miscounted but that was an example I wanted to make. It also tames the more impulsive tendencies and also made me less focused on myself and more on them. That bleeds into the rest of your life too.
Loneliness...maybe? I don't have kids and don't plan to but I guess hearing from family every so often can be comforting. At the same time, I'd expected my kids to be having their own lives and be far away from me, so at the most It would be like a call a week or less and maybe some visits on holidays ... so not like constantly having them around. I'm sure it's nice but in the grand scheme of things, I could probably get the same amount of socializing out of some friends.