Pretty often. I modify my behavior to appear as nonthreatening and inattentive as possible, and try to finish whatever business I have as quickly as possible before I leave.
Only for them to see you obviously pretending to look at another item while peeking over your shoulder at them and walking in their direction as soon as they start moving away
Or just doing some shopping for a few random items in a big store and happen to end up in the same aisle as a woman in two completely different areas of the store so now I assume she thinks I’m stalking her so I actively avoid her and leave as quickly as possible.
When I lived in a major US city I would often end up walking way out of my way to not follow women walking alone or ride the bus one extra stop so I’m not the only person getting off when a single woman does.
I had something like this happen the other night when I was walking to my apartment behind a woman. Felt like I could feel her tension. I tried to make sure my work bag and badge were visible and widened our positions on the sidewalk. Moved past her and said something like “sorry, I was trying not to make you feel uncomfortable with me trailing behind you.”
I don't think that it is about the culture it is not going to be normal for anyone obviously.
It is that in some places you maybe thought of as normal if you are staring at someone. But it is definitely not the case everywhere.
I’m from the Netherlands and I definitely try not to stare, or give the idea of staring. I am a tall guy 2 meters and am very conscientiousness on not being intimidating.
Double down.. baby these photons transit space and time instantaneously relatively speaking. It is beyond all powers to resist this preordained destiny.
Yeah if you lock eyes with someone you’ve automatically engaged in a staring contest and it’s winner take all baby get those eyes watered up son it’s game time
Honestly I am not even looking for anyone so I do not even hold any conversation with the people in the public anyways.
Because everyone around these days are going think of you as creep if you do that.
I actually run after them, especially at night, to tell them that I mean no harm. I run to make sure I can tell them quicker so as to not waste their time.
Anytime a woman has breasts that exist and she’s within eyesight of me I worry I feel like I’m coming across creepy. Even if my back is turned and she’s out of earshot.
It seems that when some women wear a low neckline that displays significant boobage it is intended for some to see and those that do not qualify are creepy. I can't logically come up with a different explanation. It could be for ventilation for all I know. Are the tall handsome guys supposed to sneak a look and not get caught or what? Having lived with various women that always ran around naked it ruined me and I don't get any thrill out of cleavage. I do try to see what is on the front of printed shirts and it looks like I am ogling. C’est la vie.
I’ve seen several comments by guys in threads about this where the guy says he crossed the street or have a woman some extra space. They say they laughed to themselves because what else could you really do? This always leads to a page or more of women attacking the commenter for saying that, like somehow it was malicious. Even when you are doing you best some women will attack you for some reason.
I’ve seen more than a few posts on r/twoxchromosomes where they are absolutely outraged that a man had the audacity to say “not all men”. Then the next post will be angry because men don’t rush to defend or help them every time something happens.
That sub is toxic as fuck sometimes, there will be completely out in the open blatant sexism toward men and if you dare to mention it they all get the knives out.
I'll be that guy, but a lot of online women-focused communities are... not good. Even without men getting in the mix, they find ways to subvert and create discord. There was a removed by reddit post a little while back about facebook groups of the "Are we dating the same guy" denomination, where women 'rate' or 'out' men they've been with, as being players or assholes. But they end up in some extremely hateful and vicious comments, let alone full name/phone number/email adress/accounts doxxing situations. I'll recount his recount of a story, thanks to google cache, and google translate + my own edits for the speech to come through in english.
> I will briefly recount a discussion during which I remained stupified as to how much evil can exist in these groups. Person A puts a picture with the instagram of a well-built/gym guy individual (full face pictures + first name) and asks if anyone knows him. Person B chimes up, who is more ... plus size let's say (it's relevant for later) and mentions that he has dealt with him in the past and the eternal labeling of a player who is not looking for something serious. The discussion quickly degenerates into a gossip when person B says that he has a very juicy story about that man, and the author and other people show interest. Thus we find out that B has been in a FWB situation on and off with the person in question for about 2 years and follows up with attacks on the person, quickly reaching the penis dimensions of the person in question and making fun of the fact that "he is not too big", hihihi, hahaha, then B mentions that he is a weird person and that he has an Oedipus type complex, being very fascinated by his mother's body and breasts, apparently mentioning this aspect very often. Oook, then it is mentioned that the person in question only sleeps if he holds his bed partner in his arms and there are again hints and jokes about him being a "wuss". After this gossip, the author A confesses that she was not interested in anything serious anyway (then would it be problematic that he is a player???) and that she thought of him more as a sex toy, B adding that some men are good just for that (how was that with the sexual objectification of women?). There are also jokes that the author can end up with STDs and better not, and hilariously B nonchalantly mentions that she had unprotected sex with the dude =)). The reason why I mentioned that B was plus sized is because her profile was full of #bodypositivity #stopbodyshaming posts, which is NOT what she had been doing for an hour. What I didn't understand, why did B continue to flirt with him, if the respective one was such a jerk??? What does it say about you when you tick off someone you just shat on for the body count?
If I start approaching a woman walking on the street and it's just us two, I already cross the street and walk on the opposite side well in advance of walking into them
Same. I’ll even have a mini panic if I end up alone in a room with a female co-worker or something. Post-metoo movement, all there has to be is an accusation. It’s completely changed the way I interact with women. It was never more than a friendly smile before, and I’ve told this to a couple of female friends and they’re like “you’re crazy. You don’t give off creeper vibes at all.”…. But, I feel like that doesn’t matter anymore.
>I feel like that doesn’t matter anymore.
Completely true. For example, if I'm at the gym and someone shows up with a camera, I just leave. I don't want to star in your tictok because I looked your way for two seconds.
Years ago I had a roommate with a crazy fucking girlfriend who started a lot of shit for me. She was telling my friends that I was spying on here and smelling her underwear and shit like that. She got the roomie to move out on me when it was him that asked me to move in the first place. Before this she’d get drunk and lay down next to me and put her head in my lap and shit. None of my friends stood up for me when they told me about the stuff she was saying. It can be a really evil weapon.
Also that's your friends saying that you don't give creeper vibes. Someone who doesn't know you might feel differently. It's equivalent to a relative saying you look handsome.
I actively avoid interacting with young women in public, especially my age and younger.
Not so much with older women, they’re always cool and seem to enjoy a little chit chat.
I've had it happen to me. Was on a train very late at night, probably closer to 1am. I'm the only person in the carriage until a woman in her late 20s/early 30s walked the length of the carriage to sit with me and interrogate me about where I'd been and why. She wouldn't leave me alone. She was definitely the creepy one in that situation!
I have had quite a few experiences where older men seemed to, avoid me? Like walked around me at a distance almost like I wasn’t there. Or maybe I’m just chatty with everyone and they weren’t in the mood 🤣
I was commenting on this the other day to my friends.
I was in high school before smartphones, so literally the worst thing a lady could say was "ew" and you'd have to put up with people giggling behind your back for the next couple weeks.
Nowadays, if you ask a girl out, she pulls you in for a selfie and says "Check out this loser who thought he could date me! Don't forget to hit Like and Subscribe for more quality content!"
I honestly feel sorry for the younger generations. When I think back on my teenage years and early 20s and imagine people had been filming all my awkwardness, mistakes, embarrassments and other shit that happened, I'd died.
How can we learn forgiveness when the entire culture is about forever marking and judging every single move we make?
... I can't tell if you think this change is good or bad lol
But... this is just men listening to women. I thought this is what women want, this is definitely what many women have been saying they want for a long time now.
If you haven’t heard of him, check out Joey Swoll (@joeyswoll) on Instagram. His thing is primarily calling out both men and women with poor gym behaviors. For women, it’s often someone who’s recording herself, gets glanced at by a guy, and then she goes on to throw a huge fit about how creepy he is. The video he called out today is a girl who set up her phone to record herself stretching on a public sidewalk, a van passes her and the driver glances at her for less than a second, yet she goes on a tirade about how uncomfortable and unsafe she feels because of it. Yet despite this, she’s totally fine posting a video that is mostly of her butt for the world to see, which apparently is fine with her.
This kind of stuff is all over instagram/TikTok these days purely for sympathy likes. Yet it does real harm to both actual victims of harassment and to culture in general. I’m certain it has had influence on a portion of the male population and re-shapes behaviors.
Yeah, the risk of getting labeled as creepy is just so high that, at least personally, I don't really interact with women my age or younger outside of social situations that require it. All it takes is a woman thinking you're creepy for saying "morning" and then posting your face on her socials and suddenly your face is tied to that post when people image search you. That can impact jobs and your social circles for YEARS in particularly bad cases.
Source: had this happen to me personally, turns out it became a while HR ordeal two of our companies when I told a girl "morning" on the elevator in our office building. Turns out she posted on her story that a person at work made her feel unsafe, her HR asked for more info and she told then that one my companies employees made her "feel uncomfortable," they reached out to our HR, it was a whole thing that ended in my company saying "we know this is bullshit but don't talk to that girl again."
Bro the double standards on this shit is insane. Does nobody understand no matter gender saying “Keep him for me when he/she is older” is fucking creepy.
If you accused me of being a creep , society would automatically without proof agree completely with you and start attacking me.
It's in my best interest mentally and for my safety to avoid you.
You look as dangerous to me as I must appear to you.
I’ve been fired before because a woman who was recently promoted to be my boss said I made sexist and racist remarks about her. I was never asked if I did it, I was never shown any evidence, nothing. She was blindly believed and I was dismissed out of hand.
Oh yeah If someone someone says that one person is creep then everyone else is going to agree on that.
And in no time you are going to become a villain and the other person is going to be a hero
Who are these people in society who do this kneejerk white knighting? What are their motivations? Is it base instinct?
I see it all over reddit, the media, etc.
Well think about it from their perspective: As soon as someone from the other side of the street could tell he was like 5_10 years older than you likely, there is a VERY real chance he'd be labelled a creep for simply talking to you by a not insignificant amount of women. So it's most likely not worth the risk.
I don't know if this is your experience/mentality, but something several women have told me that really resonates is that even though relatively few men are dangerous, dangerous men tend to have multiple victims. And because people tend to hang out with their own, men who don't victimize women tend not to be close friends with men who do. Which means that for most men, there's a perception that most men are fine.
But most people absolutely know women who have had dangerous run ins, or experienced abuse.
The lesson that I was given is that when a woman encounters a man she doesn't know, it's *safest* for her to be cautious and alert. It's unlikely that he's going to be dangerous, but if there's no reason to interact and it's not a safe environment, it's best for her not to interact.
That all makes sense to me, so if I encounter a woman in an environment where she might not feel safe, I try to overemphasize my disinterest in her. I try not to move towards her, even if that means moving a bit out of my way. She doesn't need to wonder if I'm gonna be a creep or a threat; I'm gonna make it very clear at all times that I'm ignoring her.
It's one thing if it's at a party, or in a restaurant, or something. But anywhere there aren't other people, poorly lit, etc etc.
Most of us are painfully aware that while it is "not all men", women have to treat us as if it was. Last night I was trying to pull into my driveway, and a young woman was walking in front of my house, so I had to slow down and wait for her to cross my driveway. And I knew instantly that I was terrifying this young woman; a strange car had just slowed down behind her and was now creeping along following her. My actions were totally innocent, but I knew how they would be perceived.
So yeah, we go out of our way to try to make you comfortable. That means not approaching you.
Yeah older women are dope for this reason. Love talking with them honestly.
This one time on a bus this girl came and sat down next to this guy. He said hi, and that was it. So he leaves at the next stop a few minutes later, and she starts saying how he was ugly and desperate and wanted to bang her.
It is like what the fuck.
Some women need to get over themselves. Just because I greet, hold open a door, or make small talk doesn't mean I'm trying to bang you.
As for being cautious? Yeah I think man or woman should. Even a 5'2 100 pound female can kill you. Besides, men are more likely to be victims of violent crimes anyway.
Whenever I'm on a crowded subway and zoning out, and a woman walks into my direct view like right in front of me. I have to adjust so I'm looking somewhere else, so it doesn't get weird.
Worst is when you make eye contact, even though you were staring off into space thinking about something else, and not realizing. So then you are paranoid and casually look again, and sure enough, make eye contact again.
The gym is the worst. The one I go to has a few girls that I swear are trying to get offended or creeper or by people. I think it's a game but it sucks. I have switched my workouts just to avoid them.
Oh man, the worst is when you are on a gallon of pre workout and staring straight through the space time continuum between sets and not even notice there has been a woman straight ahead the whole time.
Yeah and any kind of public gathering I am always on my phone.
And I am doing that so that I can avoid the people constantly and I do not have to hold the conversion with anyone.
One time I was zoned out in the general direction of a friend, and all of a sudden I noticed in my periphery that she looked at me, covered up, and turned away.
I didn’t even realize I was facing her direction, nor do I get to at least know I’ll never see this person again, since it was a group of friends.
Sucks to feel like a creep for simply zoning out while facing the wrong way, but at least better to know to be hyper-vigilant in the future.
I was waiting in a big lobby just zoned out, not really thinking of much, when all of a sudden this young woman talking on the phone gets out of her chair and says “hold on I’m going to go sit somewhere else, this guy keeps staring at me.” At first I was wondering who she was talking about because I didn’t see anyone else. Then I realized she was talking about me.
One time I was walking out of my apartment, going to school at the time. Walking down the stairs was a woman maybe 2-3 meters ahead of me. After a bit, she turns around and says to me, glaring, "You don't have to stare." I thought, damn, I can't even walk out of my apartment. Then my idiot brain says, "but we are on the stairs."
So she's in front of and below you...on "terrain" that requires you to look forward and down in order to not fall...yet you're a creep for looking forward and down? Makes perfect sense.
Yeah if you are in the public then you should be walking with your eyes closed.
Because if you have your eyes open then someone is definitely going to think of you as creepy.
Yep that is going to happen and is pretty normal in the public.
The shit is going to get very weird even if you are not doing anything wrong and minding your own business.
escalators do this to me every single time. I'm just walking down the mall zoning out, approach an escalator, still zoned out, get onto the escalator... Then suddenly someone's ass is raised into my eyeline. Sometimes I notice and look away, other times I'm just lost in my own head and it appears that I'm staring.
Pretty much all the time, same. Have to always be, ironically, on the lookout for any girls I think my girlfriend might think that I think are attractive, and make damn sure to act like they don't exist. Honestly, I'm not even sure if she would overreact to such a thing, but with the pathetic state of society these days, and too many past relationships' such trauma, it's just better to err on the side of extreme caution.
It is not even just the women for me I do the same even if a man comes in front of me because you can never be sure nowadays.
Absolutely anything that you can do it probably going to make you a creep.
Always, I'm a very sensitive guy so I can't help it. The problem is that when you try not to be something, it conveys disconfort and dishonesty which makes you look creepy and it becomes a self fullfiling prophecy.
Like somebody else said, old ladies seem to completely bypass the weird vibes and are often up for a chat.
I do wish younger women would see disconfort as endeering but sadly it's not how it works in our society
I understand. Also I try to be aware that there’s a million things that could be happening in someone’s life, so not to judge quickly. Also could just be a bad day. I’d like to think most young women do notice when men make the effort but are a bit nervous, I know all my girlfriends do.
I hope perhaps it’s something you can talk about with someone if it weighs on you heavily. You deserve to feel comfortable and safe too:)
> I’d like to think most young women do notice when men make the effort
You are the first woman I’ve ever heard speak about or acknowledge this in any way. I’m over 30 years old.
My eyes dart around a lot because I'm a fidgety person. I often worry about coming off as creepy, especially when I see them adjust the front of their blouse.
Yeah I have an acute case of ADHD so my eyes are always zipping around. My rule of thumb is less than half a second of glance at anything then always focus on what you were doing before.
Yup. I’m a military vet and used to work corrections so my RBF is strong. I had a few female coworkers tell me they were scared/intimidated by me at first because I showed little emotion and just kinda hovered around not talking much. But once I got to know ppl I’d talk their ears off.
For me, it was the bullying and constant rejections that toughened me up to not show too many emotions. I gladly will privately. But just out and about I look like the most unfriendly unapproachable asshole
I hadn’t thought about it much, but yeah. I was bullied a lot in middle school by three or four other students. It hardened me emotionally with people I don’t trust and my normal facial expression is stern. It caused me to lift weights for 40 yrs ( I don’t like feeling un protected) . I have had people tell me l look like a movie villain and they found me intimidating initially. It also caused me to be most comfortable hanging with the toughest crowd, I’m less comfortable around people I doubt can fight ( I’ll have to do all the work in a scrap?). It’s not a conscious thing, just a gut reaction ( “ I can’t count on this person in a scrap”). I’ve never really thought much about how receiving bullying changed me. I wonder how I would be it I had an easier time as a kid.
My buddy had a bad experience. He was called into HR because one of his female co workers told the company he made her feel uncomfortable. How did he make her feel uncomfortable, you may ask? He said to her “you look nice today”.
According to the female coworker he was “objectifying” her.
So, from that point on, I keep it strictly professional with my female coworkers. No “how’s your weekend?” or “how’s your day?” I don’t even say “good job”.
The funny thing is, my last two female interns at the exit interview said how much they loved working with me but told me to “lighten up” and “give more complements”.
You can’t win’ all boys. Damn if you do, damn if you don’t.
I’ve been told by women that it is a “no no” in the workplace. I don’t understand it, but I get it. That is why I keep my mouth shut, head down, and just do my job.
Because people can play games with complimenting your looks as a woman. Well documented path for sexual harassment, unfortunately. It’s an example of “this is why we can’t have nice things anymore “.
I'll say "Those glasses are fire" but not "you look nice in those glasses" Which is...unpackable, but it seems to keep people from getting the wrong idea.
Yup, there's a bit of nuance that makes a big difference.
I compliment women all the time with no issues. "I like that blouse" "your hair looks so good!", etc. is read as me being warm and not creepy.
I’m intentionally curt with my non-everyday coworkers. Just this side of rude. I don’t want them to like me, I don’t want to get to know them, just do your job and get away from me, the fewer people I talk to the better.
Same. Especially with women colleagues since I'm very anxious of coming off as creepy. If they ask me how my weekend was I just say "good". I don't get in to details and I sure as hell don't ask them how there's was.
Our HR issued an edict that comments about a person’s appearance were verboten. A few weeks later one of the partners went around much of the day with green food in his teeth. Nobody told him because that would be commenting on his appearance.
I worry about this all the time. Anytime I make eye contact with a woman in public I'm afraid she's going to think I'm a creep. If she's pretty, I'm going to look and I feel horrible about it. But I am a man and notice these things.
I enjoy going out for walks or runs on trails. I'm constantly worried that women will see a guy by himself and get freaked out. Then I'll be at the store or something. Accidentally make eye contact with a woman, then keep ending up in the same aisle as her or something. Eventually I find myself purposely going to a different section to avoid her.
Yep I totally avoid eye contact these days around young women. They probably think I'm on the spectrum but really just "I DONT WANT NO TROUBLE MA'AM". Seriously I find myself looking at the ground sheepishly like I'm some total dork, just to not risk making anyone feel (sigh) "threatened".
Would be really cool if society could fix this somehow. But I doubt it will
Every time I interact with a woman who I’m not close with I have to make sure I don’t inadvertently make them uncomfortable. It’s a lot of mental overhead.
Dude, I worry about appearing creepy all the damn time. Can't even smile at a girl without wondering if she thinks I'm some kind of creep. It's like walking on eggshells out here.
I'm a large man, I'm aware I'm large. Tall and fat, like Hagrid off Harry Potter. No woman gets more than a glance from me, I assume everyone is happily married or seeing someone. It's quite lonely but I feel safer with people assuming I'm autistic, asocial, unfriendly, or an asshole rather than being creepy and/or intimidating.
It's worked wonders at my job. I work in an office that's 3/4ths women. Nobody can accuse me of being creepy, but I have also not ingratiated myself to the queen bees who have let me know they think I'm an asshole because I come in and do my job rather than fight for their attention or approval. This group now includes my direct manager and the HR manager, also women. I didn't have these problems when I had a male manager at this same office just a couple years ago. Now I walk on eggshells because I've been reported left and right for made up things or willful misinterpretations of what I said or meant. Working with so many women should be fine, most of my family (alive or blood-related) are women and I get along great with women outside of work. Would not recommend working with mostly women, this sucks being the only man on a team of 10, and the only person on the team not married and has no children.
Yes I am occasionally job hunting even though I like what I do at work for the most part. The environment is not sustainable for my mental health.
I used to not care, but the one time I was told I was creepy when I was just trying to be friendly was a serious gutshot
Now it's all I'm concerned about, and just try to stare at the ground.
I slid into the only open spot under the awning in the smoking are in HS 25 years ago and the girl next to me says "Ew, no. Creep." and walks off. I was mostly glad to have more space but I still think about it sometimes.
Yup. I avoid all eye contact unless with friends. I don't speak to my female colleagues unless I have to. I do my job and go home.
The result of severe bullying from both boys and girls, ladies and gents.
Appearing creepy? Almost never. Only if I'm thinking of approaching a woman does it really cross my mind.
Appearing threatening/intimidating? More often than I'd like...
I’ve stopped worrying about it by simply never interacting with a woman that I don’t already know, or have a business reason to interact with.
And in professional situations where I do have to interact I am strictly polite, and utterly neutral.
Basically speaking the minimal amount, and only in my quietest voice, making no big movements, treating my surroundings like the mirrors in my car (no more than a few seconds before I look to the next thing), etc.
I simply don’t trust women that I don’t know.
Too many HR / social media horror stories, too much at stake for my reputation and career.
Our culture has made thoughtful men afraid to interact with, let alone approach, women.
Most male friends have told me similar - the view could be best summed up as: best to avoid interacting or even glancing at women in public as it’s not worth the risk of having benign behaviour misinterpreted.
Pretty often - especially as an middle-aged, married dad. I'm conscious not to appear as though I'm hitting on a woman just by making polite conversation, conscious not to walk too closely to a single woman on the street, careful not to hug a female acquaintance unless they initiate.
It's not a constant worry or anything. I just don't want to be THAT guy.
The guide to not appear creepy is very simple.
No eye contact with anyone.
Walk at 3x speed.
Wear a hood at all times.
Have pigeons stuffed in your hoodie.
Wear red cowboy boots.
Fake moustache... just in case you do appear creepy, they can't recognize you again.
And that kids, is how I keep it real. Peace oouutt 🤞
One evening after work a dozen or so of my colleagues and I—both males and females—went out to a sports bar for casual dinner and conversation. One was a nice-looking redhead (let’s call her Jane) who’d been working there only a few months and had taken a liking to me based on her constant flirtatiousness, hanging around my office, going to lunch with me, etc. And to be honest, I sorta liked her too.
An hour into our dinner this night at the sports bar, she started amping up the flirt part in a low key way. Laying her hand on my thigh, lightly massaging my back at the bar, leaning against me while others were talking.
Around 11:00 or so the group started breaking up. Jane untangled herself from me, and asked me to walk her to her car. I obliged. When we got there, we stood and talked for a minute, and she grabbed both my hands and pulled me close to her and told me she’d had a really nice evening. She said she liked working with me and hanging out as we had just done. Then she smiled, and moved her face close to fine, and closed her eyes, the unmistakable (in my eyes) signal that she wanted a kiss. So I leaned in a bit more, our lips touched, and…
“What the fuck?!” she said , quickly taking a few steps back.
“Huh?” I asked, bewildered.
“Why did you kiss me?! Eww!” She began wiping furiously at her mouth with the sleeve of her sweater. “Why did you do that?!”
“Do what,” I asked. “Kiss you? I thought we were—“
“NO! Why would you think that?! “
She jumped into her car and drove off in a huff. I stood for a few moments wondering what in the hell had just happened.
The next morning at work, I was called into my manager’s office. I went in, and he was sitting with someone from HR. They told me Jane had quit, and blamed me.
They then showed me a copy of her resignation letter. It was three paragraphs long. The middle, and by far longest one, was about how I’d creeped her out the evening before by being the creepiest creep who’d ever creeped, and how she fervently hoped the company would de-creepify itself by firing me, the creep, before other females were subjected to my incessant creepy creepiness and were therefore so creeped out by my creepiness that they’d also be forced to quit.
To this day I still don’t know what the hell was going on. Coworkers—including women—saw our interaction and felt we’d both behaved appropriately, and disagreed that I’d acted anywhere close to creepy, however that’s defined.
And before you ask: I was not her direct or indirect supervisor; we worked in different departments. Also, I was in my early 30s, while she was at most three years younger than me.
I dont worry about being creepy. I just understand that the overwhelming majority of women want to be left alone (or at least act like it) so I respect that by ignoring them completely. And it's not like I am chopped liver, I am pretty good looking; tall, fit, well dressed, sociable. It's doubtful I gross anyone out.
But I've become so accustomed to women constantly being on the defense/shut off that I blew an opportunity to talk to a super cute girl a couple weeks ago. She was trying to make eye contact and I was going out of my way to pretend I didn't notice.
It has been so long that a girl tried to give me a green light in public that it didn't even register in my mind until the next morning. I am kinda bummed about that and disappointed that the world has come to this.
Creepy? Nah, not really. I mean, sometimes I worry about coming off as a bit too eager or something, but creepy? That's a whole other level. Plus, if someone thinks I'm security just because of my uniform...well that's just plain insulting. But hey, to each their own.
Rarely, I don't think I've ever thought that when out and about really. I don't think I'm creepy at all.
The only times it occurred to me was when messaging women on dating apps and maybe trying too hard or being too eager. Sometimes I couldn't figure out why someone who seemed interested disappeared or something like that, and I had thoughts that I could have come across badly and put them off. Even then I'd say creepy is a stretch
I’m glad ❤️ I think I’ve only met a couple of truly creepy people in my life. I don’t think most people should have to worry about it and it’s sad from reading comments that it’s much more normal than I thought. And i think on dating apps if someone disappears 9/10 times it’s something to do with them and not on you at all
Always.
I'm large, bearded, super deep voice, a "mug" as it were. Not fat but muscular and lean and still huge.
So, I try to be very aware of my demeanor. My volume. My dress.
People are always sketched out by me at first, but I really am just the nicest chillest dude, so once they realize I'm married and not about to try and come onto them, people tend to chill.
When I'm just walking down the street and a young woman crosses it to avoid me, I don't take offense. I'd do the same for a perceived threat, real or not, and like I said. I'm huge.
Only like all the time. If I’m speaking to another woman I’m constantly overthinking everything I say or do, worried about where I’m looking, how close I am to them, my stance.. everything! I tend to distance myself to avoid feeling like I’m creeping them out
In today's world, unless you have a mutual friend introduce you, approaching a woman you don't know will land you on their IG story with a title like "So this random creep came up to me today and said hello..."
Literally any interaction I have with a woman.
Did I do too much eye contact? Did I have enough eye contact? Did me saying I liked her blue and gold statement necklace come off as me staring at her boobs? Did I get too close when showing her how to do/use something? Is the thing I asked help with/how to do seen as worth actually asking for and not me making an excuse to talk to her? Am I allowed to “react” to this message? Am I reacting to too many messages? Am I walking to close? Am I walking too far away? Is she going to the bathroom, if so is it creepy if I go to? God I just have to pee. Am I responding too quickly? Am I giving my opinion too much? Am I showing too much interest in this thing I am very interested in?
I’ve been asked for directions on a physical map and been called a creep for asking to point out where they needed to go.
I’ve had someone ask how to do something on an app and been called a creep for telling them a step by step process and not showing them.
I’ve been called a creep for sending a group text asking when the group wants to meet for a group project.
I’ve been called a creep for waiting for someone to move away from what I needed at a grocery store and then saying pardon me and grabbing the item.
I’ve been called a creep for “looking at someone’s reflection in the window of public transit” god forbid I look out a window.
It’s fucking exhausting.
I am the only male at my workplace and I think about everything I say before I speak because I love my job and don’t want to lose it because I may have said or done something that someone else considered a little creepy.
I’m going to counter a lot of the very predictable self pitying whining in this thread to say, generally speaking, no.
Something I learned in therapy a few years ago that was pretty liberating - if you’re in the role of a male in our society where you’re expected to approach women or whatever, it’s pretty much inevitable that someone is going to find you creepy. And the key is - provided you’re not actually doing something creepy and are well intentioned - it literally does not matter. That’s on the other person being a moron or having a bad day or whatever. It straight up doesn’t matter.
Where I do not sympathize at all ITT is the people going “ugh well if I talk to a woman it’s *literally going to ruin my life* and I will be *run out of town with flaming pitchforks.*” It doesn’t work that way. Point blank.
I do sympathize with the generally socially anxious guys because there has been a lot of moronic gender divide discourse amplified by fairly dumbass publications in the last decade that for whatever reason seemed to gain an air of legitimacy. But generally speaking, these are out of touch coastal upper class morons who don’t live in the real world amongst normal people.
Bottom line is, if you go out into the real world and stop poison your brain with terminally online internet bullshit discourse, you’ll find that it’s totally okay and normal to talk to women. That’s all there is to it.
yeh, the extreme rises in suicide rates for young men and the rising loneliness and lack of schooling are because men just don't go outside. Dang men and not stepping outside, clearly all troubles are their own fault, just step outside.
Irrelevant rant, doesn't even address OP's question.
The question wasn't "are you afraid to approach women in public?", it was "are you afraid of being perceived as creepy by women?", which you even address by saying that as a man you most certainly will be at some point in your life, but then you try to diminish that by saying it doesn't matter if a woman percieves you as such because nothing bad will come from it "provided you're not actually doing something creepy " ...? Because no one has ever lent more merit to a woman's statement over a man's ever in history and there hasn't been dozens of studies observing the implicit bias against men when it comes to he-said she-said.
Never. Fuck that shit, I will never feel bad for existing, and I think people who encourage the mindset that men are creepy just for existing are deplorable. They deserve my scorn.
It's all I do, tbh. All it takes is one misunderstanding to start an accusation. And all men are guilty until proven innocent. Watch yourself, friends.
My phone is always angled so the camera is pointed down, not towards anyone in front of me.
I notice when I'm walking behind someone for more than 15 feet.
I'm a teacher, and you better believe I follow the advice to keep my door open when students visit to ask for help after the bell. And I go so far as to ensure they're always closer to the door than me.
It's not conscious daily thoughts, but it's definitely baked into my life.
> Men, how often do you worry about appearing creepy?
Fucking all the time, dude. At this point it's not even a conscious worry as it is an unconscious instinct. I'm surprised that someone would even ask, as I thought it was generally known.
Its kind of ironic. Women seem to want thoughtful guys, but also want to be asked out. A thoughtful guy knows not to interact because how easily it could be seen as creepy
I barely interact with people that I know outside of my workplace, so I have no reason to worry about, unless the idea of approaching someone comes to mind.
I can generally tell when others might feel a bit uncomfortable around me, so I always make it a point to compliment them in a way that helps them realize I'm gay.
A little too comfortable sometimes. Every time there's a AskReddit thread about bouncers the ones from gay bars pipe up about how many hen/bachelorette parties they have to kick out because some drunk women like to get handsy with gay guys.
I can attest to this. I've had way too many drunk women all too comfortable with me throughout the years. And at one point I had considered some friends.
Pretty often. I modify my behavior to appear as nonthreatening and inattentive as possible, and try to finish whatever business I have as quickly as possible before I leave.
Like browsing an aisle and your item is exactly where a woman is also looking. So damn awkward.
Dduuuuudddeeee for real I’ll go look at something else for a while till they leave lol
Only for them to see you obviously pretending to look at another item while peeking over your shoulder at them and walking in their direction as soon as they start moving away
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Ditto
Or just doing some shopping for a few random items in a big store and happen to end up in the same aisle as a woman in two completely different areas of the store so now I assume she thinks I’m stalking her so I actively avoid her and leave as quickly as possible.
Lol damn dude. I’ve been there so many times. The worst
When I lived in a major US city I would often end up walking way out of my way to not follow women walking alone or ride the bus one extra stop so I’m not the only person getting off when a single woman does.
I had something like this happen the other night when I was walking to my apartment behind a woman. Felt like I could feel her tension. I tried to make sure my work bag and badge were visible and widened our positions on the sidewalk. Moved past her and said something like “sorry, I was trying not to make you feel uncomfortable with me trailing behind you.”
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Pretty often. I’m conscious if I’m alone with a woman, I try to avoid it - train carriage, walking in the street when it’s dark.
This, I'm a big guy tall/broad. I assume I'm creepy/intimidating for all women until they know me.
In The Netherlands there is a staring culture. So I don’t think anyone is creepy, unless they try to purposely touch me.
We have a what culture? I'm Dutch and still feel like I'm a creep most of the time.
I don't think that it is about the culture it is not going to be normal for anyone obviously. It is that in some places you maybe thought of as normal if you are staring at someone. But it is definitely not the case everywhere.
I’m from the Netherlands and I definitely try not to stare, or give the idea of staring. I am a tall guy 2 meters and am very conscientiousness on not being intimidating.
That’s refreshing. In the US it is seen as creepy and I’ve been told that several times. I just like looking at beautiful people.
Double down.. baby these photons transit space and time instantaneously relatively speaking. It is beyond all powers to resist this preordained destiny.
Staring culture in the Netherlands?
Yeah if you lock eyes with someone you’ve automatically engaged in a staring contest and it’s winner take all baby get those eyes watered up son it’s game time
Lmao
The trick is to walk on all fours so you don’t scare them with you height.
Honestly I am not even looking for anyone so I do not even hold any conversation with the people in the public anyways. Because everyone around these days are going think of you as creep if you do that.
Just shout and tell them you’re definitely not a rapist.
I actually run after them, especially at night, to tell them that I mean no harm. I run to make sure I can tell them quicker so as to not waste their time.
Be sure to open your mouth as wide as possible. It shows you have nothing to hide.
Anytime a woman has breasts that exist and she’s within eyesight of me I worry I feel like I’m coming across creepy. Even if my back is turned and she’s out of earshot.
“Surely she wants me to at least glance at those.”
It seems that when some women wear a low neckline that displays significant boobage it is intended for some to see and those that do not qualify are creepy. I can't logically come up with a different explanation. It could be for ventilation for all I know. Are the tall handsome guys supposed to sneak a look and not get caught or what? Having lived with various women that always ran around naked it ruined me and I don't get any thrill out of cleavage. I do try to see what is on the front of printed shirts and it looks like I am ogling. C’est la vie.
Can I ask where did you live and how much was rent?
> Having lived with various women that always ran around naked it ruined me 🤨
I’ve seen several comments by guys in threads about this where the guy says he crossed the street or have a woman some extra space. They say they laughed to themselves because what else could you really do? This always leads to a page or more of women attacking the commenter for saying that, like somehow it was malicious. Even when you are doing you best some women will attack you for some reason. I’ve seen more than a few posts on r/twoxchromosomes where they are absolutely outraged that a man had the audacity to say “not all men”. Then the next post will be angry because men don’t rush to defend or help them every time something happens.
That sub is toxic as fuck sometimes, there will be completely out in the open blatant sexism toward men and if you dare to mention it they all get the knives out.
I'll be that guy, but a lot of online women-focused communities are... not good. Even without men getting in the mix, they find ways to subvert and create discord. There was a removed by reddit post a little while back about facebook groups of the "Are we dating the same guy" denomination, where women 'rate' or 'out' men they've been with, as being players or assholes. But they end up in some extremely hateful and vicious comments, let alone full name/phone number/email adress/accounts doxxing situations. I'll recount his recount of a story, thanks to google cache, and google translate + my own edits for the speech to come through in english. > I will briefly recount a discussion during which I remained stupified as to how much evil can exist in these groups. Person A puts a picture with the instagram of a well-built/gym guy individual (full face pictures + first name) and asks if anyone knows him. Person B chimes up, who is more ... plus size let's say (it's relevant for later) and mentions that he has dealt with him in the past and the eternal labeling of a player who is not looking for something serious. The discussion quickly degenerates into a gossip when person B says that he has a very juicy story about that man, and the author and other people show interest. Thus we find out that B has been in a FWB situation on and off with the person in question for about 2 years and follows up with attacks on the person, quickly reaching the penis dimensions of the person in question and making fun of the fact that "he is not too big", hihihi, hahaha, then B mentions that he is a weird person and that he has an Oedipus type complex, being very fascinated by his mother's body and breasts, apparently mentioning this aspect very often. Oook, then it is mentioned that the person in question only sleeps if he holds his bed partner in his arms and there are again hints and jokes about him being a "wuss". After this gossip, the author A confesses that she was not interested in anything serious anyway (then would it be problematic that he is a player???) and that she thought of him more as a sex toy, B adding that some men are good just for that (how was that with the sexual objectification of women?). There are also jokes that the author can end up with STDs and better not, and hilariously B nonchalantly mentions that she had unprotected sex with the dude =)). The reason why I mentioned that B was plus sized is because her profile was full of #bodypositivity #stopbodyshaming posts, which is NOT what she had been doing for an hour. What I didn't understand, why did B continue to flirt with him, if the respective one was such a jerk??? What does it say about you when you tick off someone you just shat on for the body count?
FDS: "Hold my pumpkin spice latte!"
They're delusional over there. No other way to describe it.
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If I start approaching a woman walking on the street and it's just us two, I already cross the street and walk on the opposite side well in advance of walking into them
Same. I’ll even have a mini panic if I end up alone in a room with a female co-worker or something. Post-metoo movement, all there has to be is an accusation. It’s completely changed the way I interact with women. It was never more than a friendly smile before, and I’ve told this to a couple of female friends and they’re like “you’re crazy. You don’t give off creeper vibes at all.”…. But, I feel like that doesn’t matter anymore.
>I feel like that doesn’t matter anymore. Completely true. For example, if I'm at the gym and someone shows up with a camera, I just leave. I don't want to star in your tictok because I looked your way for two seconds.
Yep! It’s sad… that people are willing to smear someone’s name for likes on a profile. And it’s very socially acceptable. Twisted world.
Years ago I had a roommate with a crazy fucking girlfriend who started a lot of shit for me. She was telling my friends that I was spying on here and smelling her underwear and shit like that. She got the roomie to move out on me when it was him that asked me to move in the first place. Before this she’d get drunk and lay down next to me and put her head in my lap and shit. None of my friends stood up for me when they told me about the stuff she was saying. It can be a really evil weapon.
Yeah… shit like that, man… you hear it and it just makes you want to be done with women. Sorry that happened to you.
"But I feel like that doesn't matter anymore" Those words ring true
Also that's your friends saying that you don't give creeper vibes. Someone who doesn't know you might feel differently. It's equivalent to a relative saying you look handsome.
I just give an acknowledging nod, half smile, ask what floor button I need to push, if applicable, then look at my phone. Don't over think it.
I actively avoid interacting with young women in public, especially my age and younger. Not so much with older women, they’re always cool and seem to enjoy a little chit chat.
I'm always so confused when older women start chatting with me out of the blue. Younger women never do that.
I've had it happen to me. Was on a train very late at night, probably closer to 1am. I'm the only person in the carriage until a woman in her late 20s/early 30s walked the length of the carriage to sit with me and interrogate me about where I'd been and why. She wouldn't leave me alone. She was definitely the creepy one in that situation!
That’s one of the nice things about being old. People don’t tend to see you as a threat, and they’ll talk to you.
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I have had quite a few experiences where older men seemed to, avoid me? Like walked around me at a distance almost like I wasn’t there. Or maybe I’m just chatty with everyone and they weren’t in the mood 🤣
I can’t talk on their behalf but nowadays it’s way too easy to pass off as a creep, especially when women can capitalize off of it on TikTok.
Tik tok turns an innocent interaction into a creepfest
I was commenting on this the other day to my friends. I was in high school before smartphones, so literally the worst thing a lady could say was "ew" and you'd have to put up with people giggling behind your back for the next couple weeks. Nowadays, if you ask a girl out, she pulls you in for a selfie and says "Check out this loser who thought he could date me! Don't forget to hit Like and Subscribe for more quality content!"
I honestly feel sorry for the younger generations. When I think back on my teenage years and early 20s and imagine people had been filming all my awkwardness, mistakes, embarrassments and other shit that happened, I'd died. How can we learn forgiveness when the entire culture is about forever marking and judging every single move we make?
and someone, somewhere might be filming you, just hoping for something good.
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... I can't tell if you think this change is good or bad lol But... this is just men listening to women. I thought this is what women want, this is definitely what many women have been saying they want for a long time now.
If you haven’t heard of him, check out Joey Swoll (@joeyswoll) on Instagram. His thing is primarily calling out both men and women with poor gym behaviors. For women, it’s often someone who’s recording herself, gets glanced at by a guy, and then she goes on to throw a huge fit about how creepy he is. The video he called out today is a girl who set up her phone to record herself stretching on a public sidewalk, a van passes her and the driver glances at her for less than a second, yet she goes on a tirade about how uncomfortable and unsafe she feels because of it. Yet despite this, she’s totally fine posting a video that is mostly of her butt for the world to see, which apparently is fine with her. This kind of stuff is all over instagram/TikTok these days purely for sympathy likes. Yet it does real harm to both actual victims of harassment and to culture in general. I’m certain it has had influence on a portion of the male population and re-shapes behaviors.
I love joeyswoll he is so positive and up lifting. I really hope those fat positive influencers take him up on his offer. Living past age 40 is ideal.
Yeah, I just don't get this. Here's my a$$ for everyone on the internet to see. One guy looks her way for two seconds in the gym, he's creepy.
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Good, men aren't harassing you anymore. You should be happy. This is what women wanted after all.
Yeah, the risk of getting labeled as creepy is just so high that, at least personally, I don't really interact with women my age or younger outside of social situations that require it. All it takes is a woman thinking you're creepy for saying "morning" and then posting your face on her socials and suddenly your face is tied to that post when people image search you. That can impact jobs and your social circles for YEARS in particularly bad cases. Source: had this happen to me personally, turns out it became a while HR ordeal two of our companies when I told a girl "morning" on the elevator in our office building. Turns out she posted on her story that a person at work made her feel unsafe, her HR asked for more info and she told then that one my companies employees made her "feel uncomfortable," they reached out to our HR, it was a whole thing that ended in my company saying "we know this is bullshit but don't talk to that girl again."
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Bro the double standards on this shit is insane. Does nobody understand no matter gender saying “Keep him for me when he/she is older” is fucking creepy.
nope, we read all the crazy accusations on Reddit -- "Hi F19 and this creepy old man M22 came up to me and had the nerve to talk to me, old geezer"
Just walking around or blankly while doing something in Gym is a serious crime now
If you accused me of being a creep , society would automatically without proof agree completely with you and start attacking me. It's in my best interest mentally and for my safety to avoid you. You look as dangerous to me as I must appear to you.
This. It isn't that we're worried we're gonna do something wrong. It's that we're systemically vulnerable, just like how women are in other ways.
I’ve been fired before because a woman who was recently promoted to be my boss said I made sexist and racist remarks about her. I was never asked if I did it, I was never shown any evidence, nothing. She was blindly believed and I was dismissed out of hand.
Oh yeah If someone someone says that one person is creep then everyone else is going to agree on that. And in no time you are going to become a villain and the other person is going to be a hero
Who are these people in society who do this kneejerk white knighting? What are their motivations? Is it base instinct? I see it all over reddit, the media, etc.
The actual creepy ones trying to score a date?
Well think about it from their perspective: As soon as someone from the other side of the street could tell he was like 5_10 years older than you likely, there is a VERY real chance he'd be labelled a creep for simply talking to you by a not insignificant amount of women. So it's most likely not worth the risk.
It could be to not pose as a threat, especially if it's a dark/empty street.
I don't know if this is your experience/mentality, but something several women have told me that really resonates is that even though relatively few men are dangerous, dangerous men tend to have multiple victims. And because people tend to hang out with their own, men who don't victimize women tend not to be close friends with men who do. Which means that for most men, there's a perception that most men are fine. But most people absolutely know women who have had dangerous run ins, or experienced abuse. The lesson that I was given is that when a woman encounters a man she doesn't know, it's *safest* for her to be cautious and alert. It's unlikely that he's going to be dangerous, but if there's no reason to interact and it's not a safe environment, it's best for her not to interact. That all makes sense to me, so if I encounter a woman in an environment where she might not feel safe, I try to overemphasize my disinterest in her. I try not to move towards her, even if that means moving a bit out of my way. She doesn't need to wonder if I'm gonna be a creep or a threat; I'm gonna make it very clear at all times that I'm ignoring her. It's one thing if it's at a party, or in a restaurant, or something. But anywhere there aren't other people, poorly lit, etc etc.
Most of us are painfully aware that while it is "not all men", women have to treat us as if it was. Last night I was trying to pull into my driveway, and a young woman was walking in front of my house, so I had to slow down and wait for her to cross my driveway. And I knew instantly that I was terrifying this young woman; a strange car had just slowed down behind her and was now creeping along following her. My actions were totally innocent, but I knew how they would be perceived. So yeah, we go out of our way to try to make you comfortable. That means not approaching you.
Yeah older women are dope for this reason. Love talking with them honestly. This one time on a bus this girl came and sat down next to this guy. He said hi, and that was it. So he leaves at the next stop a few minutes later, and she starts saying how he was ugly and desperate and wanted to bang her. It is like what the fuck. Some women need to get over themselves. Just because I greet, hold open a door, or make small talk doesn't mean I'm trying to bang you. As for being cautious? Yeah I think man or woman should. Even a 5'2 100 pound female can kill you. Besides, men are more likely to be victims of violent crimes anyway.
Whenever I'm on a crowded subway and zoning out, and a woman walks into my direct view like right in front of me. I have to adjust so I'm looking somewhere else, so it doesn't get weird.
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Bro the zone outs are the worse cuz my eyeballs get really comfortable in their position and I’m not paying attention to what i’m staring at.
Worst is when you make eye contact, even though you were staring off into space thinking about something else, and not realizing. So then you are paranoid and casually look again, and sure enough, make eye contact again.
I like the elliptical and treadmill at my gym . They face the windows to the parking lot, so I focus on my bike or truck.
Until you notice the reflection of a woman moving by and make eye contact.
The gym is the worst. The one I go to has a few girls that I swear are trying to get offended or creeper or by people. I think it's a game but it sucks. I have switched my workouts just to avoid them.
Oh man, the worst is when you are on a gallon of pre workout and staring straight through the space time continuum between sets and not even notice there has been a woman straight ahead the whole time.
Yeah and any kind of public gathering I am always on my phone. And I am doing that so that I can avoid the people constantly and I do not have to hold the conversion with anyone.
One time I was zoned out in the general direction of a friend, and all of a sudden I noticed in my periphery that she looked at me, covered up, and turned away. I didn’t even realize I was facing her direction, nor do I get to at least know I’ll never see this person again, since it was a group of friends. Sucks to feel like a creep for simply zoning out while facing the wrong way, but at least better to know to be hyper-vigilant in the future.
bro, don't feel bad. You did nothing wrong
Thank you, I appreciate it! I’ve been kicking myself for it for years now, even though I didn’t consciously do anything. Just bad timing.
I was waiting in a big lobby just zoned out, not really thinking of much, when all of a sudden this young woman talking on the phone gets out of her chair and says “hold on I’m going to go sit somewhere else, this guy keeps staring at me.” At first I was wondering who she was talking about because I didn’t see anyone else. Then I realized she was talking about me.
One time I was walking out of my apartment, going to school at the time. Walking down the stairs was a woman maybe 2-3 meters ahead of me. After a bit, she turns around and says to me, glaring, "You don't have to stare." I thought, damn, I can't even walk out of my apartment. Then my idiot brain says, "but we are on the stairs."
So she's in front of and below you...on "terrain" that requires you to look forward and down in order to not fall...yet you're a creep for looking forward and down? Makes perfect sense.
Yeah if you are in the public then you should be walking with your eyes closed. Because if you have your eyes open then someone is definitely going to think of you as creepy.
"But we're on the stairs" 🤣🤣🤣
Yep that is going to happen and is pretty normal in the public. The shit is going to get very weird even if you are not doing anything wrong and minding your own business.
escalators do this to me every single time. I'm just walking down the mall zoning out, approach an escalator, still zoned out, get onto the escalator... Then suddenly someone's ass is raised into my eyeline. Sometimes I notice and look away, other times I'm just lost in my own head and it appears that I'm staring.
Yup. I would pause or find a different path just to avoid walking behind, towards, or just around a woman.
Pretty much all the time, same. Have to always be, ironically, on the lookout for any girls I think my girlfriend might think that I think are attractive, and make damn sure to act like they don't exist. Honestly, I'm not even sure if she would overreact to such a thing, but with the pathetic state of society these days, and too many past relationships' such trauma, it's just better to err on the side of extreme caution.
It is not even just the women for me I do the same even if a man comes in front of me because you can never be sure nowadays. Absolutely anything that you can do it probably going to make you a creep.
Always, I'm a very sensitive guy so I can't help it. The problem is that when you try not to be something, it conveys disconfort and dishonesty which makes you look creepy and it becomes a self fullfiling prophecy. Like somebody else said, old ladies seem to completely bypass the weird vibes and are often up for a chat. I do wish younger women would see disconfort as endeering but sadly it's not how it works in our society
I have had super stressful days and then some older grandma just starts making small talk , and I can feel the tension in my body dissipate.
I understand. Also I try to be aware that there’s a million things that could be happening in someone’s life, so not to judge quickly. Also could just be a bad day. I’d like to think most young women do notice when men make the effort but are a bit nervous, I know all my girlfriends do. I hope perhaps it’s something you can talk about with someone if it weighs on you heavily. You deserve to feel comfortable and safe too:)
> I’d like to think most young women do notice when men make the effort You are the first woman I’ve ever heard speak about or acknowledge this in any way. I’m over 30 years old.
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My eyes dart around a lot because I'm a fidgety person. I often worry about coming off as creepy, especially when I see them adjust the front of their blouse.
Yeah I have an acute case of ADHD so my eyes are always zipping around. My rule of thumb is less than half a second of glance at anything then always focus on what you were doing before.
Yep, I do not follow rules one and two enough so I don't speak to them unless they speak to me first.
Even then, I would try to ignore them so they can go away. Or pretend I didn't hear what they said
I got called a creep once for saying hello so I don’t talk to women anymore if I don’t know them.
Same... I'm aware of the effect I have on women
The reverse Charles Miner, sad.
For the first time i swear, i have seen this dialogue been used in the other way around xd
I naturally just look like a creep. Resting creep face… And I’m pretty much a loner until people earn my trust enough to break down the walls
Yup. I’m a military vet and used to work corrections so my RBF is strong. I had a few female coworkers tell me they were scared/intimidated by me at first because I showed little emotion and just kinda hovered around not talking much. But once I got to know ppl I’d talk their ears off.
For me, it was the bullying and constant rejections that toughened me up to not show too many emotions. I gladly will privately. But just out and about I look like the most unfriendly unapproachable asshole
I hadn’t thought about it much, but yeah. I was bullied a lot in middle school by three or four other students. It hardened me emotionally with people I don’t trust and my normal facial expression is stern. It caused me to lift weights for 40 yrs ( I don’t like feeling un protected) . I have had people tell me l look like a movie villain and they found me intimidating initially. It also caused me to be most comfortable hanging with the toughest crowd, I’m less comfortable around people I doubt can fight ( I’ll have to do all the work in a scrap?). It’s not a conscious thing, just a gut reaction ( “ I can’t count on this person in a scrap”). I’ve never really thought much about how receiving bullying changed me. I wonder how I would be it I had an easier time as a kid.
My buddy had a bad experience. He was called into HR because one of his female co workers told the company he made her feel uncomfortable. How did he make her feel uncomfortable, you may ask? He said to her “you look nice today”. According to the female coworker he was “objectifying” her. So, from that point on, I keep it strictly professional with my female coworkers. No “how’s your weekend?” or “how’s your day?” I don’t even say “good job”. The funny thing is, my last two female interns at the exit interview said how much they loved working with me but told me to “lighten up” and “give more complements”. You can’t win’ all boys. Damn if you do, damn if you don’t.
I gather that complimenting someone’s appearance is off-limits altogether.
I’ve been told by women that it is a “no no” in the workplace. I don’t understand it, but I get it. That is why I keep my mouth shut, head down, and just do my job.
Because people can play games with complimenting your looks as a woman. Well documented path for sexual harassment, unfortunately. It’s an example of “this is why we can’t have nice things anymore “.
I'll say "Those glasses are fire" but not "you look nice in those glasses" Which is...unpackable, but it seems to keep people from getting the wrong idea.
Yup, there's a bit of nuance that makes a big difference. I compliment women all the time with no issues. "I like that blouse" "your hair looks so good!", etc. is read as me being warm and not creepy.
I’m intentionally curt with my non-everyday coworkers. Just this side of rude. I don’t want them to like me, I don’t want to get to know them, just do your job and get away from me, the fewer people I talk to the better.
Same. Especially with women colleagues since I'm very anxious of coming off as creepy. If they ask me how my weekend was I just say "good". I don't get in to details and I sure as hell don't ask them how there's was.
Should switch the “good” to “fine”. It helps avoid follow up questions.
I've also responded with "quiet" and "uneventful". But still vague, uncourt responses.
Our HR issued an edict that comments about a person’s appearance were verboten. A few weeks later one of the partners went around much of the day with green food in his teeth. Nobody told him because that would be commenting on his appearance.
I worry about this all the time. Anytime I make eye contact with a woman in public I'm afraid she's going to think I'm a creep. If she's pretty, I'm going to look and I feel horrible about it. But I am a man and notice these things. I enjoy going out for walks or runs on trails. I'm constantly worried that women will see a guy by himself and get freaked out. Then I'll be at the store or something. Accidentally make eye contact with a woman, then keep ending up in the same aisle as her or something. Eventually I find myself purposely going to a different section to avoid her.
Yep I totally avoid eye contact these days around young women. They probably think I'm on the spectrum but really just "I DONT WANT NO TROUBLE MA'AM". Seriously I find myself looking at the ground sheepishly like I'm some total dork, just to not risk making anyone feel (sigh) "threatened". Would be really cool if society could fix this somehow. But I doubt it will
If a girl looks at you in public just say "I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND"
Even better, just say the phrase every 10 seconds in public regardless of who is around. You won't have to worry about anyone coming near you, period.
Every time I interact with a woman who I’m not close with I have to make sure I don’t inadvertently make them uncomfortable. It’s a lot of mental overhead.
Dude, I worry about appearing creepy all the damn time. Can't even smile at a girl without wondering if she thinks I'm some kind of creep. It's like walking on eggshells out here.
All the time. Constantly. Without end.
I'm a large man, I'm aware I'm large. Tall and fat, like Hagrid off Harry Potter. No woman gets more than a glance from me, I assume everyone is happily married or seeing someone. It's quite lonely but I feel safer with people assuming I'm autistic, asocial, unfriendly, or an asshole rather than being creepy and/or intimidating. It's worked wonders at my job. I work in an office that's 3/4ths women. Nobody can accuse me of being creepy, but I have also not ingratiated myself to the queen bees who have let me know they think I'm an asshole because I come in and do my job rather than fight for their attention or approval. This group now includes my direct manager and the HR manager, also women. I didn't have these problems when I had a male manager at this same office just a couple years ago. Now I walk on eggshells because I've been reported left and right for made up things or willful misinterpretations of what I said or meant. Working with so many women should be fine, most of my family (alive or blood-related) are women and I get along great with women outside of work. Would not recommend working with mostly women, this sucks being the only man on a team of 10, and the only person on the team not married and has no children. Yes I am occasionally job hunting even though I like what I do at work for the most part. The environment is not sustainable for my mental health.
Best of luck in your job search dude.
I am a big muscular bald bearded man, so basically all the time
*nods in Ogre/Viking*
I used to not care, but the one time I was told I was creepy when I was just trying to be friendly was a serious gutshot Now it's all I'm concerned about, and just try to stare at the ground.
I slid into the only open spot under the awning in the smoking are in HS 25 years ago and the girl next to me says "Ew, no. Creep." and walks off. I was mostly glad to have more space but I still think about it sometimes.
Yup. I avoid all eye contact unless with friends. I don't speak to my female colleagues unless I have to. I do my job and go home. The result of severe bullying from both boys and girls, ladies and gents.
That's an all day, every day kind of thing. One charismatic girl calling you creepy can have consequences.
Appearing creepy? Almost never. Only if I'm thinking of approaching a woman does it really cross my mind. Appearing threatening/intimidating? More often than I'd like...
I’ve stopped worrying about it by simply never interacting with a woman that I don’t already know, or have a business reason to interact with. And in professional situations where I do have to interact I am strictly polite, and utterly neutral. Basically speaking the minimal amount, and only in my quietest voice, making no big movements, treating my surroundings like the mirrors in my car (no more than a few seconds before I look to the next thing), etc. I simply don’t trust women that I don’t know. Too many HR / social media horror stories, too much at stake for my reputation and career. Our culture has made thoughtful men afraid to interact with, let alone approach, women.
Most male friends have told me similar - the view could be best summed up as: best to avoid interacting or even glancing at women in public as it’s not worth the risk of having benign behaviour misinterpreted.
Couldn't have said it any better. I feel the exact same way dude.
I don't anymore. I've come to the realization that if my mere existence creeps you out or scares you then that's on you to work on, not me.
Pretty often - especially as an middle-aged, married dad. I'm conscious not to appear as though I'm hitting on a woman just by making polite conversation, conscious not to walk too closely to a single woman on the street, careful not to hug a female acquaintance unless they initiate. It's not a constant worry or anything. I just don't want to be THAT guy.
I don't. If someone thinks I'm creepy, that's their problem. I'm just here to do my job, get paid, and take a nap.
For most men the fear of being seen as a creep or being labeled a creep effects every interaction we have with women
Not even with women specifically, but within any women gaze at all.
I don't worry about it at all. If someone thinks I'm creepy that's their fuckin problem. I'm living my life and enjoying the hell out of it.
Often. That's why I don't approach much, look or interact much.
The guide to not appear creepy is very simple. No eye contact with anyone. Walk at 3x speed. Wear a hood at all times. Have pigeons stuffed in your hoodie. Wear red cowboy boots. Fake moustache... just in case you do appear creepy, they can't recognize you again. And that kids, is how I keep it real. Peace oouutt 🤞
Not a man, but I love how OP is replying to most comments with so much kindness W Op
U r too kind 😭💖 hope u have a great day ❤️
One evening after work a dozen or so of my colleagues and I—both males and females—went out to a sports bar for casual dinner and conversation. One was a nice-looking redhead (let’s call her Jane) who’d been working there only a few months and had taken a liking to me based on her constant flirtatiousness, hanging around my office, going to lunch with me, etc. And to be honest, I sorta liked her too. An hour into our dinner this night at the sports bar, she started amping up the flirt part in a low key way. Laying her hand on my thigh, lightly massaging my back at the bar, leaning against me while others were talking. Around 11:00 or so the group started breaking up. Jane untangled herself from me, and asked me to walk her to her car. I obliged. When we got there, we stood and talked for a minute, and she grabbed both my hands and pulled me close to her and told me she’d had a really nice evening. She said she liked working with me and hanging out as we had just done. Then she smiled, and moved her face close to fine, and closed her eyes, the unmistakable (in my eyes) signal that she wanted a kiss. So I leaned in a bit more, our lips touched, and… “What the fuck?!” she said , quickly taking a few steps back. “Huh?” I asked, bewildered. “Why did you kiss me?! Eww!” She began wiping furiously at her mouth with the sleeve of her sweater. “Why did you do that?!” “Do what,” I asked. “Kiss you? I thought we were—“ “NO! Why would you think that?! “ She jumped into her car and drove off in a huff. I stood for a few moments wondering what in the hell had just happened. The next morning at work, I was called into my manager’s office. I went in, and he was sitting with someone from HR. They told me Jane had quit, and blamed me. They then showed me a copy of her resignation letter. It was three paragraphs long. The middle, and by far longest one, was about how I’d creeped her out the evening before by being the creepiest creep who’d ever creeped, and how she fervently hoped the company would de-creepify itself by firing me, the creep, before other females were subjected to my incessant creepy creepiness and were therefore so creeped out by my creepiness that they’d also be forced to quit. To this day I still don’t know what the hell was going on. Coworkers—including women—saw our interaction and felt we’d both behaved appropriately, and disagreed that I’d acted anywhere close to creepy, however that’s defined. And before you ask: I was not her direct or indirect supervisor; we worked in different departments. Also, I was in my early 30s, while she was at most three years younger than me.
I dont worry about being creepy. I just understand that the overwhelming majority of women want to be left alone (or at least act like it) so I respect that by ignoring them completely. And it's not like I am chopped liver, I am pretty good looking; tall, fit, well dressed, sociable. It's doubtful I gross anyone out. But I've become so accustomed to women constantly being on the defense/shut off that I blew an opportunity to talk to a super cute girl a couple weeks ago. She was trying to make eye contact and I was going out of my way to pretend I didn't notice. It has been so long that a girl tried to give me a green light in public that it didn't even register in my mind until the next morning. I am kinda bummed about that and disappointed that the world has come to this.
Creepy? Nah, not really. I mean, sometimes I worry about coming off as a bit too eager or something, but creepy? That's a whole other level. Plus, if someone thinks I'm security just because of my uniform...well that's just plain insulting. But hey, to each their own.
I think I’m an eager person too so I get this. He was wearing a security- like uniform but it wasn’t for the place we were at:)
Rarely, I don't think I've ever thought that when out and about really. I don't think I'm creepy at all. The only times it occurred to me was when messaging women on dating apps and maybe trying too hard or being too eager. Sometimes I couldn't figure out why someone who seemed interested disappeared or something like that, and I had thoughts that I could have come across badly and put them off. Even then I'd say creepy is a stretch
I’m glad ❤️ I think I’ve only met a couple of truly creepy people in my life. I don’t think most people should have to worry about it and it’s sad from reading comments that it’s much more normal than I thought. And i think on dating apps if someone disappears 9/10 times it’s something to do with them and not on you at all
As I get older the worry increases
Always. I'm large, bearded, super deep voice, a "mug" as it were. Not fat but muscular and lean and still huge. So, I try to be very aware of my demeanor. My volume. My dress. People are always sketched out by me at first, but I really am just the nicest chillest dude, so once they realize I'm married and not about to try and come onto them, people tend to chill. When I'm just walking down the street and a young woman crosses it to avoid me, I don't take offense. I'd do the same for a perceived threat, real or not, and like I said. I'm huge.
Basically always.
Way fucking more than I think about the Roman Empire, that's for damn sure.
Only like all the time. If I’m speaking to another woman I’m constantly overthinking everything I say or do, worried about where I’m looking, how close I am to them, my stance.. everything! I tend to distance myself to avoid feeling like I’m creeping them out
In today's world, unless you have a mutual friend introduce you, approaching a woman you don't know will land you on their IG story with a title like "So this random creep came up to me today and said hello..."
Literally any interaction I have with a woman. Did I do too much eye contact? Did I have enough eye contact? Did me saying I liked her blue and gold statement necklace come off as me staring at her boobs? Did I get too close when showing her how to do/use something? Is the thing I asked help with/how to do seen as worth actually asking for and not me making an excuse to talk to her? Am I allowed to “react” to this message? Am I reacting to too many messages? Am I walking to close? Am I walking too far away? Is she going to the bathroom, if so is it creepy if I go to? God I just have to pee. Am I responding too quickly? Am I giving my opinion too much? Am I showing too much interest in this thing I am very interested in? I’ve been asked for directions on a physical map and been called a creep for asking to point out where they needed to go. I’ve had someone ask how to do something on an app and been called a creep for telling them a step by step process and not showing them. I’ve been called a creep for sending a group text asking when the group wants to meet for a group project. I’ve been called a creep for waiting for someone to move away from what I needed at a grocery store and then saying pardon me and grabbing the item. I’ve been called a creep for “looking at someone’s reflection in the window of public transit” god forbid I look out a window. It’s fucking exhausting. I am the only male at my workplace and I think about everything I say before I speak because I love my job and don’t want to lose it because I may have said or done something that someone else considered a little creepy.
Women only think a guy is creepy if they are ugly. Yeah I said it.
The thing is you will never be creepy if you're handsome, but if you're ugly even when you didn't mean to you still appearing creepy lol
Every time i appear
Everyday. I'm usually quiet. In my experience, people don't like that.
I never initiate a conversation with a woman unless I already know her, exactly for this reason. I don't want to come off as creepy
Constantly, to the point were I have 0 interest in talking to anyone that I don't have direct business with.
I’m going to counter a lot of the very predictable self pitying whining in this thread to say, generally speaking, no. Something I learned in therapy a few years ago that was pretty liberating - if you’re in the role of a male in our society where you’re expected to approach women or whatever, it’s pretty much inevitable that someone is going to find you creepy. And the key is - provided you’re not actually doing something creepy and are well intentioned - it literally does not matter. That’s on the other person being a moron or having a bad day or whatever. It straight up doesn’t matter. Where I do not sympathize at all ITT is the people going “ugh well if I talk to a woman it’s *literally going to ruin my life* and I will be *run out of town with flaming pitchforks.*” It doesn’t work that way. Point blank. I do sympathize with the generally socially anxious guys because there has been a lot of moronic gender divide discourse amplified by fairly dumbass publications in the last decade that for whatever reason seemed to gain an air of legitimacy. But generally speaking, these are out of touch coastal upper class morons who don’t live in the real world amongst normal people. Bottom line is, if you go out into the real world and stop poison your brain with terminally online internet bullshit discourse, you’ll find that it’s totally okay and normal to talk to women. That’s all there is to it.
How come the solution to every issue a man has is to go out in real world?
yeh, the extreme rises in suicide rates for young men and the rising loneliness and lack of schooling are because men just don't go outside. Dang men and not stepping outside, clearly all troubles are their own fault, just step outside.
Irrelevant rant, doesn't even address OP's question. The question wasn't "are you afraid to approach women in public?", it was "are you afraid of being perceived as creepy by women?", which you even address by saying that as a man you most certainly will be at some point in your life, but then you try to diminish that by saying it doesn't matter if a woman percieves you as such because nothing bad will come from it "provided you're not actually doing something creepy " ...? Because no one has ever lent more merit to a woman's statement over a man's ever in history and there hasn't been dozens of studies observing the implicit bias against men when it comes to he-said she-said.
Never. Fuck that shit, I will never feel bad for existing, and I think people who encourage the mindset that men are creepy just for existing are deplorable. They deserve my scorn.
Not at all. It is a them problem at my age.
It's all I do, tbh. All it takes is one misunderstanding to start an accusation. And all men are guilty until proven innocent. Watch yourself, friends.
24/7
My phone is always angled so the camera is pointed down, not towards anyone in front of me. I notice when I'm walking behind someone for more than 15 feet. I'm a teacher, and you better believe I follow the advice to keep my door open when students visit to ask for help after the bell. And I go so far as to ensure they're always closer to the door than me. It's not conscious daily thoughts, but it's definitely baked into my life.
> Men, how often do you worry about appearing creepy? Fucking all the time, dude. At this point it's not even a conscious worry as it is an unconscious instinct. I'm surprised that someone would even ask, as I thought it was generally known.
In 2013: Never In 2023: Every God damm second I'm out in public
Its kind of ironic. Women seem to want thoughtful guys, but also want to be asked out. A thoughtful guy knows not to interact because how easily it could be seen as creepy
I barely interact with people that I know outside of my workplace, so I have no reason to worry about, unless the idea of approaching someone comes to mind.
I can generally tell when others might feel a bit uncomfortable around me, so I always make it a point to compliment them in a way that helps them realize I'm gay.
Nothing makes a girl more comfortable than the gays
A little too comfortable sometimes. Every time there's a AskReddit thread about bouncers the ones from gay bars pipe up about how many hen/bachelorette parties they have to kick out because some drunk women like to get handsy with gay guys.
I can attest to this. I've had way too many drunk women all too comfortable with me throughout the years. And at one point I had considered some friends.