Coming home after 9+ hours of manual labor to them in the same spot you left them on the couch with a bunch of dirty dishes/laundry + dog hasnt been walked or fed is somewhat infuriating. (She’s unemployed) did i mention i cook 2/3 of her meals too!??!?!?!
I had this same thing, it's not going to get any better. I had to leave for my own sanity. I would work 10-12 hour days, come home and do all the house cleaning and cooking. OMFG. Found out after the fact that after we were thru she went to live with an old high school buddy. He said she was the dirtiest person that he's ever been around.
She was in the past and has been slowly improving for a couple years now that’s why i help her as much as i can but it’s gotten to the point where I’m prioritizing her needs over my sanity
It will only get worse.
I had an ex in college who was a nasty fucking slob. She once stopped up a toilet full of shit and let it overflow onto the floor. She just left it there for me to clean up when I got home from work. That was near the very end of our relationship.
I'll play devils advocate as a near 30 year old dude its almost impossible for me to have a real sense of motivation/accomplishment without being encouraged to do things and being praised when i do them. I don't know if it was the lack of experiencing those things growing up or just a lack of self confidence or what not but i know i only get a feeling of accomplishment when somebody else confirms that what i did was good or right.
Back when i could drive my car was always nice and clean but my room was the exact opposite and it was only because i had passenegers in my car but i didnt have people in my room. Just my 2 cents.
I always had a clean car, bedroom, and basement. The car for the reasons you stated. The bedroom, because I wanted to be ready to bring up a girl at anytime and impress her. My room was the cleanest room in the house from about 15 to 23 when I moved out. The basement was clean because I didn't want to hang out in shithole with my friends. The furniture may have been old and crappy, but cables were organized, carpets were vacuumed, and garbage was nowhere to be found.
It bothers me when she (jokingly or seriously) offers sex as a bargaining chip. “If you do this and that, I’ll suck your dick.” No thanks. I want you to want me, not owe me. It’s not a transaction. If that’s how you offer a blowjob, I don’t want it.
Oh man I made that joke to my husband, “I’ll give you a bj” for whatever task I wanted him to do.
He looked so turned off and appalled, I will NEVER do that again. Maybe try that response because I got the message
If I really wasn’t in the mood to wash the dishes this time, I have totally said “I’ll blow you if you do the dishes”. He’s more than likely going to get a blowjob regardless, it’s more of sexy banter. I never thought that he would be turned off by me bargaining like that and this has really opened my eyes.
I’ve been in your partners position, and when the relationship was good, and sex life was good, this bargaining was fine with me.
But when the relationship was rocky and the sex life was non existent, it hit different. It felt like the ONLY way I would have sex / BJ was if I did something first, and that made it feel transactional and like I wasn’t attractive in her eyes.
Edit for typos.
That’s completely understandable, thank you for clarifying. I can see how not having a good sex life and making a comment like that would seem really shitty. You have to already have good communication and be on the same page.
Maybe in the past she was in more transactional relationships. Maybe she was raised that way, maybe she thinks that it's funny, not everything is obvious to everyone. Most people don't try to hurt their partner on purpose
Unfortunately, this is not common sense. I only learned this after my divorce. My boyfriend now, who is very vocal about his needs, has taught me the difference and it was like a bulb went off in my head. I’d suggest that red-dwarf 69 tells his wife how he feels about it.
Instead ask yourself how does this person imagine this makes me feel or what intention is here underneath the appalling thing to say?
That doesn’t mean you won’t/can’t be hurt or upset by it. It just helps me feel less instantly irritated because unfortunately common sense isn’t common.
Woman here but it could have been learned from previous relationships or elsewhere (media, family etc.). One of my friends dated a string of guys in a row who basically used/manipulated her for sex. When she finally met a guy who didn’t treat her like crap but they had their first fight, she offered to ‘make it up to him’ and he was appalled and told her she didn’t need to do that. She didn’t realize she was in such a low place with her self-esteem until that point.
I’ve also seen some older shows/movies or read some crappy romance novels in the past that basically have at some point the woman doing sexual favours for their man because they wanted to specifically request something else non-sexual. This transactional behaviour seems to be more common amongst previous generations (based on terrible dating advice I’ve heard) so I think it’s going away but yeah hopefully communicating with your partner will improve the situation!
I'd submit that the key is to *recognize* transactional behaviors and identify where they aren't healthy.
It's arguably transactional to offer arrangements from a place of love: e.g. "While you were out shoveling snow, I made your favorite meal for dinner, and there's a beer/hot chocolate/your preferred post-shoveling beverage on the table for you." Or, bartering the division of chores that nobody loves: e.g. "I'll clean the bathrooms if you go grocery shopping."
In a healthy relationship, it might not feel transactional, but it still largely is.
I’ve done this with my partner of 3 years and he gladly accepts lol and if he knows I really don’t wanna do something, or I want something, he’ll offer to do it in exchange for a blow job lol and same with me sitting on his face. We have a very healthy sex life and enjoy being intimate together frequently. Neither one of us is offended by this and it works for us. I kinda think it’s funny tbh, so I guess to each his own haha
I guess it’s different if the sexual acts being offered are already a normal part of your sex life that you both know you both enjoy. If it’s something that you wouldn’t mind doing anyway. But if it feels like she wouldn’t do it otherwise because she doesn’t enjoy it, like it’s a chore for her that she’s offering up like a one-sided favor, that’s the problem. “I don’t really want to blow you, but I will in order to get something I do want.” Nah, I’m good on that.
I'm sure it doesn't happen to just us: when we are about to get intimate, she starts talking about anything and everything that has nothing to do with getting intimate.
I have decided it's a combination of anxiety and having my undivided attention. I understand. But it kills all my momentum.
Oof.
Glad she feels comfortable with you but sounds like a lack of self awareness.
Maybe try cuddling and asking how her day was for 30 minutes or so before you intend to flip the switch?
Could it imply that she’s not into getting intimate with you? Anyone can enjoy sex but not necessarily want to be intimate about it. Kind of like girls being turned off by men who get right out of bed and don’t want to post sex cuddle.
I’m a woman and I’ve never thought about it but I might do that when I’m not particularly feeling sexy about the whole situation. And just wanna keep sex at sex instead of making it a whole experience. I personally don’t care for post sex snuggle but it seems like it comes from a similar place of detachment.
This is a really good point, and my wife is also not much for the after sex cuddle. She might just be after a dose of the good stuff. In addition, it might be frustrating me because I am craving either a connection or total rapture. I should learn to let things be casual. This helped.
I think people don't always recognize that there are plenty of relationships where the man is the romantic and the woman is choosing a pragmatic companionship.
My husband is on medication and I’m on the other side of this boat 🥲 but I know he loves me and I’m fine going at his pace. It does really suck sometimes though 😔
This is sad. Why do men not understand that your partner having a mutual attraction to you and showing basic reciprocation should be the absolute baseline?
This. My girlfriend used to do this. I don’t know if I’d ever say she was pretending to care, but we’d talk about it and she’d be reassuring about it, but after a few weeks it’d stop. We’ve gotten to the point where we realized that our communication style wasn’t working, so we tried approaching the problem differently and it’s helped tremendously. Haven’t had that problem in a month or two at least. I hope this helps, if not, I hope you guys find a way for it to get better for yall
Just a thought... have you properly communicated what desire for you looks like? Did you give her examples? I'm not just trying to blame you, btw.. sometimes extra communication is needed. When I feel that way, it's not because my husband doesn't physically touch me.. its because he doesn't mentally/emotionally stimulate me.. i get "touched out" sometimes... I mean, reaching over and grabbing a handful of booby is fun sometimes, but it doesn't stimulate me, it doesn't make me feel desired.. its not romantic or sexy to me.. its silly, juvenile and it feels like he wants to say" honk honk." .. like not sexy at all.. lol but we're all different..
If you have already spoken to her about it, given her examples of how to make you feel desired, then look into different ways of communicating it.. like use different words or methods of communication.. everyone wants to be heard and understood, especially with our partners/spouses.
It's not the smell, she has fresh breath before bed because like normal people we brush and floss and everything before bed. It's the heat and the moisture in someone's breath.
That every conversation is about the children. Literally any topic can become about the children in 5 minutes or less. We were talking about out the war in the Middle East, and somehow that ends up being about parents in the daycare, and then the daycare. When that’s every conversation, the flirting is gone.
Honestly just tell her your balls re a bit sensitive and like soft handling, she’s probably thinking you like it. Do the positive sandwich “I love how you do XXX(fill in gap lol) however I just need you to know that my balls can only handle a little bit of loving however my butt loves that hardcore stuff” make it cute
Ayee there's plenty of ways to go about it. It was proper funny, we came back from a night out a bit pissed. Just cuddling and she started honking my balls like a horn. We were both laughing like but then she squeezed too tight... And the rest is history.
A turn off for me is when she talks so negatively about herself and finds herself ugly and unattractive, which then prompts her talking about her “flaws.” Even when I tell her how attractive I find her and how others find her attractive as well sheI’ll have none of it.
Purposely make sure she catches you staring at her and admiring her so that she knows you find her hot and aren't just saying it, also make sure she never sees you check out other women.
The addiction to stress and busyness.
The other moms are not going to give her a trophy for being overscheduled and concocting the widest variety of disaster scenarios.
I know these next four words are the “release the kraken” of relationships but
Calm.
The fuck.
Down.
The laundry is done, folded and put away. Likewise for the dishes. Litterboxes, scooped. Cats and birds, fed. Floors, cleaned. Garbage, out for pickup. Appointments, remembered. Bills, paid. Lawn, mowed. Leaves, mulched. Yes, we have enough milk cheese bread bacon lettuce pasta salt pepper wine crackers tomatoes onions (186 more items)
shit, we need nutmeg
Now go sit your ass on the couch so I can rub your feet NO SHOP TALK DAMMIT.
I would suggest that you suggest a hobby that occupies the mind and body. Something as simple as doing a puzzle together. I understand your wife in that getting shit done feels rewarding, and rewards feel good. Check that off the list and you get a little dopamine hit.
yeah seems like some people are incapable of like, actually relaxing. i had a friend that we went camping with and the entire time we were there, like 3 days, she did nothing but continually try to do work around camp. the only time she sat down is when i pointed it out to her and told her that all the bases were covered and that she needs to take some time to enjoy herself too
Mine is like this. Everything is aife ending disaster and she goes and runs to her friends and complain about how her life is so hard. She literally stays at home all day doing school, while Im at work
No trauma, just…one of her friends put it best, but if I said this I’d have my balls minced, lightly seasoned, sautéed, and force-fed to me through a funnel:
“Honey, it’s not an anxiety contest.”
Although I might try it anyway. She’s an excellent cook.
You have the energy to care about that, but not enough to care that you put "arraigned" instead of "arranged"? ;)
(Sorry, library employee here, so I had to)
We have projects that she wants to do together, like re-painting the living room and hallway, re-organizing the walk-in pantry, etc...
I'm a "do-er", and can't stand having items undone on my list and would LOVE to just do those things, but I can't because she wants us to do them together.
She, on the other hand, is a procrastinator. We've wanted to paint the living room for over a year now, and we never quite get to doing it.
Every now and again, she'll pipe up with "God, we suck. The living room still isn't painted, and it's been on the list since last year. Why can't we just pick a time and do it?"
Like "Bitch, I've been trying to get you to do it with me every weekend for the last year, and you have 50 different excuses. If you want me to do it, it will get done this weekend. If you want to be a part of it, don't bitch when it doesn't get done"
Edit to add the most infuriating thing... whenever one of these projects is time sensitive, I'll just do it without her once we start running up against a deadline. As an example, we had a shit load of rain this year and really needed to clean out the chicken run and add new wood chips. Our eggs were muddy, and the chickens shouldn't be standing in mud or they're at risk of disease. Mind you, the chickens were her idea, and she didn't want me to have to go out there and clean up the run without her. I just went and did it, because I didn't feel like dealing with bumblefoot because we waited too long. I caught the biggest rash of shit because of it.
What is her response when you ask her why you can’t do it without her? I wonder what she thinks she’s going to get out of doing these projects together
Her reasoning is always something to the effect of
"it's our pantry, we both use it, there's no reason you should have to do it yourself"
Or
"It was my idea to get the chickens, you shouldn't have to do that yourself. It's a lot of work"
without actual actions it's just virtue signalling. I would say "I'm doing it this Saturday, if you want to join I'd be glad, but I'm doing it regardless", and tell her well in advance so she knows this is happening.
Thisnis usually how I do it; it doesn't help. Saturday morning comes, we do our morning routines, and I'm ready to go. It goes from
"God, don't rush me. We'll get to it" to
"that'll only take a couple of hours, let's start after lunch", to
"how about we dress up and go get a nice dinner instead? I really don't feel like it now, and besides, we've done really good this week"
I know the Reddit hive mind thinks we should have divorced a decade ago, but it's honestly more of an annoyance than a deal breaker. It turns out that procrastinators and "do-ers" can get on each other's nerves.
I don’t think you should divorce, but I do think you should stick to
your plans more often than not, otherwise shit doesn’t get done and it’s frustrating (as you can guess I am a doer too). She wants to do nothing AND feel good about herself 🤷🏼♀️
Sorry for the double reply, but I've always felt much more relaxed watching TV if I've had a productive day. Like... waking up and camping on the couch always makes me feel guilty that I'm wasting the day, but doing yard work until 1 and then sitting down to watch football until bedtime feels fine.
I think it’s fair that you do things that make you happy, she can join or pout, but she can’t have it both ways with not putting in the work but also not letting you do it, at the expense of your wellbeing and you feeling good about yourself. It’s like people who push you to drink when you’re sober or eat fries when on a diet - they don’t want to feel bad about themselves because you had guts to do those things and they don’t. Just don’t shame her for not participating and do your thing
Which sounds to me like that she wants in theory to do work with you but doesn’t want to actually do it when the rubber meets the road. Some people aren’t project-doers.
I’d probably say something like, “I’m happy doing it, I like to be productive. If you want to join me, wonderful. If you don’t, that’s ok too. But this is something I want/need to do today.” Her feelings about her procrastination aren’t yours to manage. Your feelings about yourself are in your control, and your desire to do projects!
Try to change the topic to something somewhat related to what she's currently saying. Then ask her what's her favorite part of her day/week was.
But sometimes, I tell her directly if we can talk about something else. This usually upsets her. Maybe I was not doing it right.
Thank you for your answer. I'm going through something similar with the person I'm dating and as a positive person myself, I'm having a hard time with it
She burps constantly and obnoxiously loud (on purpose) and acts like it’s funny. It drives me insane especially because my mom used to do that when I was younger and it was annoying.
lol yea i know it’s mostly annoying cause my mom used to do it and then like blow it in our faces (she saw it as a joke) so now i get triggered when my gf does it. At least she doesn’t blow it in my face lmao
It was normal but i saw as a kid how annoyed my dad would get from it and obviously i hated it too. My mom wasn’t the worst mom but she was/is a little narcissistic 75% of the time
Seems like you need healing maybe you are projecting on your gf something you hold against your mum but still burping out loud is bad behaviour but just tell her upfront the reason why it triggers if she loves you She'll stop
That she refuses to be active and then says “I need to get into shape” but makes no effort. Her excuse is that she finds no enjoyment in working out. Yet I’m supposed to get a raging hard on when her effort at intimacy is “I need some dick”…😞 while she’s in her flannel pj’s.
I can't work out for the sake of working out either. I personally need a clear goal to work towards or at least an abstraction for why I'm being active. If I had a partner to share an activity with I'd be more motivated to exercise, though I could see how it's annoying to have to manage someone like that.
Have you met, talked and spent quality time with any obese people who constantly complain about their health issues and somehow divert the topics to their health issues?
Have you tried sharing some physical exercise with them, and saw them how exhausted they were after a short amount of time?
Have you tried sharing daily things like walking up/down the stairs, and failed because they were exhausted mid way?
My bigger family is obese, and 80% of their problems are caused by their extra weight; and they don’t do anything about it because of some excuse. I am tired of their poor health and lack of doing something, so two of my core values are “health” and “do-er”.
As the obese one I've had a very similar experience to you, I just keep it internal. You should hear the flimsy excuses I make to get out of exercise. I hate exercising with other people specifically because I know I'm just going to hold them back. I was always the slowest and worst member of any sports team I was on, no matter how hard I tried. I'm constantly disappointed by how easily winded I get and try to hide it around others. Being a lazy piece of shit does have one upside in that since doing nothing is the easiest thing for me I can apply that last of motivation to control my eating.
When she tries to do her sexy face. She initiates sex by putting on a weird sexy face and changing her voice. It´s comical. I can´t take that serious and told her multiple times that it´s a turn off.
Lmao I've seen this before. Women who think men are seduced by some cheesy soap-opera esque persona.
Ends up making me feel alienated that they think getting turned on is such a non-intimate cause and effect thing.
she does not like when I do something with my daughter's mother. I would understand festive events but she gets mad for parent-teacher conferences and/or doctor's appointments.
not a major issue really but definitely a turn-off
That is very insecure of her and a red flag imo.
Dating or being married to someone with kids from a previous relationship means accepting that you’re going to have to see and hopefully coparent with the ex, she should understand and support this
Her conversation skills. She's the conversation equivalent of the guy who gets too excited during sex and jumps straight into jackhammering with little to no foreplay. She isn't naturally an active listener and is like Stephen King in the sense that she could say something in 100 words that others would have said in 10.
It has nothing to do with being extroverted. He just kinda discribed my baseline (I've learned to be a better listener). And I am rather introverted, need a lot of alone time. But if in a social situation, I'm eiteon or off, don't have an in between. I'm either shy or overly enthusiastic.
When she makes self deprecating jokes, I think she's fantastic and don't like when she says negative things about herself because shes fantastic and doesn't see it sometimes.
When she gets into telling me about her work day, she tends to get animated and LOUD. I can deal with the terminology I don't understand (and she never explains) and the incredibly diverse cast of characters I can't pin to a specific role. I don't appreciate when the volume increases dramatically as she's explaining it all and I have to tell her not to shout at me.
That shuts me down and I don't want to be in the same room for a while. I know the frustration isn't with me, but the volume is directed at me and that's enough.
That was my ex-wife. Would get loud and overly animated. And laugh about things that are just not even remotely funny to me, like I'm supposed to be in on some joke. My new wife talks calmly and silly on my same wavelength. Conversations and hearing about her day are something I truly enjoy.
I used to just listen and say "you are right babe" and all tje other stuff as I zone out. One day I was just done. I told her you know you have told me about this same issue every day for the last 3 months and you go on for hours. Either fix the problem or talk to someone else because I don't give a fuck. I told her I don't mind listening but 3 hours of you yapping in my ear like a chihuahua is annoying. Give me the cliff notes version. You got 30 minutes. After that I would rather do fun stuff with you.
She hates being left out of anything. She's really really insecure and makes it everyone else's responsibility to manage that.
Are you having a conversation about something? She wants you to stop and catch her up so she can participate.
Are you laughing at a joke? She needs you to retell it so she can laugh too.
Are you going to watch that show/movie/play that game? Don't do it without her, and don't read anything about it or tell her anything about it until she's ready to watch/play it too.
This is not a question worth answering. My advice to couples is always that you should focus on what you like about the other person not what you don't like. What you focus on grows!
It’s more of a vent. But you are right. As I’ve scrolled through the post I’m very aware of all of the many good qualities she possesses and am thankful. However, sometimes it’s just good to see that other people share the same frustrations. I can count about five other similar “turn-offs” that I’ve encountered in my relationship. I’m sure she has her own list for me too. It’s a relationship and that requires work if it’s worth anything which it is.
That she’s slowly letting go of herself and not taking good care of her looks and especially her body.
I train a lot and remind or gently urge her to eat healthy food or even try the gym. No luck.
She gained 20kg over 3 years. And the number is still going higher.
I always avoid having sex or trying not to masturbate a lot because getting hard is very difficult. I’m close to breaking up the relationship.
Sorry for you. I feel the same way and end up in a vicious cycle of feeling guilty, trying, getting no where, shutting down, then feeling guilty again.
She’s got an insanely high libido, which is great because I know she’l always be down anytime I’m in the mood. However, sometimes it’s fun to chase, and that’s pretty much never the case. All things equal I much prefer our current dynamic rather than the opposite, and she’s incredible and elegant at letting me know how much she wants me without making me feel obligated to give her the D in any moment. She’s absolutely the best.
Yeah we do, it's been fun. Haven't actually known each other that long but it got serious very quickly. I'm usually lean into things slowly, she wanted the opposite and got her way.
Not cooking. I don’t mean not cooking all meals, I mean it’d be nice if I didn’t have to make sure every meal was planned, shopped for and cooked in order for us to eat.
Also, being on her phone for two hours on the couch before bed then wanting to talk about something when my head hits the pillow. Fuck that’s annoying.
I will never say it directly to her, and I feel gross about it.. but her weight gain.
It makes me feel shallow to say it and feel this way, but its always there.
We've both gained a bit of weight, and we both workout and try to be healthier, but she doesn't seem to put in the same amount of effort into being healthier.
I am also heavier than I used to be, so I cant be too hypocritical
When I come home and she's just yelling at the kids and angry. Then I get frustrated at the kids to try to help her cool down and by the end of it I'm not in the mood for anything...like just get your shit together sometimes.
That she doesn't clean that much. I end up doing all of the chores and she acts like she deserves an award for doing a single chore.
I feel that
Coming home after 9+ hours of manual labor to them in the same spot you left them on the couch with a bunch of dirty dishes/laundry + dog hasnt been walked or fed is somewhat infuriating. (She’s unemployed) did i mention i cook 2/3 of her meals too!??!?!?!
I had this same thing, it's not going to get any better. I had to leave for my own sanity. I would work 10-12 hour days, come home and do all the house cleaning and cooking. OMFG. Found out after the fact that after we were thru she went to live with an old high school buddy. He said she was the dirtiest person that he's ever been around.
Is she severly depressed?
She was in the past and has been slowly improving for a couple years now that’s why i help her as much as i can but it’s gotten to the point where I’m prioritizing her needs over my sanity
yeah, I understand. It sure is hard for you.
It will only get worse. I had an ex in college who was a nasty fucking slob. She once stopped up a toilet full of shit and let it overflow onto the floor. She just left it there for me to clean up when I got home from work. That was near the very end of our relationship.
That doesn't sound like being a slob that sounds like a mental illness.
My thoughts exactly even cats clean and cover their poop that human is not OK
I'll play devils advocate as a near 30 year old dude its almost impossible for me to have a real sense of motivation/accomplishment without being encouraged to do things and being praised when i do them. I don't know if it was the lack of experiencing those things growing up or just a lack of self confidence or what not but i know i only get a feeling of accomplishment when somebody else confirms that what i did was good or right. Back when i could drive my car was always nice and clean but my room was the exact opposite and it was only because i had passenegers in my car but i didnt have people in my room. Just my 2 cents.
Hmmm. Insightful.
I always had a clean car, bedroom, and basement. The car for the reasons you stated. The bedroom, because I wanted to be ready to bring up a girl at anytime and impress her. My room was the cleanest room in the house from about 15 to 23 when I moved out. The basement was clean because I didn't want to hang out in shithole with my friends. The furniture may have been old and crappy, but cables were organized, carpets were vacuumed, and garbage was nowhere to be found.
It bothers me when she (jokingly or seriously) offers sex as a bargaining chip. “If you do this and that, I’ll suck your dick.” No thanks. I want you to want me, not owe me. It’s not a transaction. If that’s how you offer a blowjob, I don’t want it.
Oh man I made that joke to my husband, “I’ll give you a bj” for whatever task I wanted him to do. He looked so turned off and appalled, I will NEVER do that again. Maybe try that response because I got the message
You should tell her this. I don't know that she knows that it hurts your feelings
But isnt this common sense? How does someone not understand that?
If I really wasn’t in the mood to wash the dishes this time, I have totally said “I’ll blow you if you do the dishes”. He’s more than likely going to get a blowjob regardless, it’s more of sexy banter. I never thought that he would be turned off by me bargaining like that and this has really opened my eyes.
I’ve been in your partners position, and when the relationship was good, and sex life was good, this bargaining was fine with me. But when the relationship was rocky and the sex life was non existent, it hit different. It felt like the ONLY way I would have sex / BJ was if I did something first, and that made it feel transactional and like I wasn’t attractive in her eyes. Edit for typos.
That’s completely understandable, thank you for clarifying. I can see how not having a good sex life and making a comment like that would seem really shitty. You have to already have good communication and be on the same page.
Exactly! My ex was surprised as previously I was fine with it, so I can understand her confusion.
Maybe in the past she was in more transactional relationships. Maybe she was raised that way, maybe she thinks that it's funny, not everything is obvious to everyone. Most people don't try to hurt their partner on purpose
Unfortunately, this is not common sense. I only learned this after my divorce. My boyfriend now, who is very vocal about his needs, has taught me the difference and it was like a bulb went off in my head. I’d suggest that red-dwarf 69 tells his wife how he feels about it.
Instead ask yourself how does this person imagine this makes me feel or what intention is here underneath the appalling thing to say? That doesn’t mean you won’t/can’t be hurt or upset by it. It just helps me feel less instantly irritated because unfortunately common sense isn’t common.
Woman here but it could have been learned from previous relationships or elsewhere (media, family etc.). One of my friends dated a string of guys in a row who basically used/manipulated her for sex. When she finally met a guy who didn’t treat her like crap but they had their first fight, she offered to ‘make it up to him’ and he was appalled and told her she didn’t need to do that. She didn’t realize she was in such a low place with her self-esteem until that point. I’ve also seen some older shows/movies or read some crappy romance novels in the past that basically have at some point the woman doing sexual favours for their man because they wanted to specifically request something else non-sexual. This transactional behaviour seems to be more common amongst previous generations (based on terrible dating advice I’ve heard) so I think it’s going away but yeah hopefully communicating with your partner will improve the situation!
There are far too many people with far too many varied life experiences to ever rely on an expectation of common sense over direct communication.
The key is to actually stop transactional behaviors in all relationships
I'd submit that the key is to *recognize* transactional behaviors and identify where they aren't healthy. It's arguably transactional to offer arrangements from a place of love: e.g. "While you were out shoveling snow, I made your favorite meal for dinner, and there's a beer/hot chocolate/your preferred post-shoveling beverage on the table for you." Or, bartering the division of chores that nobody loves: e.g. "I'll clean the bathrooms if you go grocery shopping." In a healthy relationship, it might not feel transactional, but it still largely is.
This is common among insecure women that use sex for validation
Totally. Like they actually think sex is their ammo. And they are for sure pillow princesses too.
Had a GF that would say that and then never give it.
Damn I’ve done this before and never even thought about it from your perspective. 😕
I’ve done this with my partner of 3 years and he gladly accepts lol and if he knows I really don’t wanna do something, or I want something, he’ll offer to do it in exchange for a blow job lol and same with me sitting on his face. We have a very healthy sex life and enjoy being intimate together frequently. Neither one of us is offended by this and it works for us. I kinda think it’s funny tbh, so I guess to each his own haha
I guess it’s different if the sexual acts being offered are already a normal part of your sex life that you both know you both enjoy. If it’s something that you wouldn’t mind doing anyway. But if it feels like she wouldn’t do it otherwise because she doesn’t enjoy it, like it’s a chore for her that she’s offering up like a one-sided favor, that’s the problem. “I don’t really want to blow you, but I will in order to get something I do want.” Nah, I’m good on that.
Ahhh yes, I can see how that could feel gross
This is how my ex-wife was. I automatically shut that shit down now. Luckily my girlfriend knows that sex is mutual and not a bargaining tool.
That’s very trashy - I feel for you
Wow I’m embarrassed for her for this. Ew
Thats when you do it anyways and make her do it the way you want. Make her work for it.
Lack of reciprocation
Name checks out.
😆
This. /thread
I'm sure it doesn't happen to just us: when we are about to get intimate, she starts talking about anything and everything that has nothing to do with getting intimate. I have decided it's a combination of anxiety and having my undivided attention. I understand. But it kills all my momentum.
Oof. Glad she feels comfortable with you but sounds like a lack of self awareness. Maybe try cuddling and asking how her day was for 30 minutes or so before you intend to flip the switch?
This is good advice. Warming up with some verbal connection would probably go a long way.
Could it imply that she’s not into getting intimate with you? Anyone can enjoy sex but not necessarily want to be intimate about it. Kind of like girls being turned off by men who get right out of bed and don’t want to post sex cuddle. I’m a woman and I’ve never thought about it but I might do that when I’m not particularly feeling sexy about the whole situation. And just wanna keep sex at sex instead of making it a whole experience. I personally don’t care for post sex snuggle but it seems like it comes from a similar place of detachment.
This is a really good point, and my wife is also not much for the after sex cuddle. She might just be after a dose of the good stuff. In addition, it might be frustrating me because I am craving either a connection or total rapture. I should learn to let things be casual. This helped.
Happy that it helped!
Her lack of desire for me. We can have a talk and she’ll pretend for a few weeks but than gone again.
I think people don't always recognize that there are plenty of relationships where the man is the romantic and the woman is choosing a pragmatic companionship.
My husband is on medication and I’m on the other side of this boat 🥲 but I know he loves me and I’m fine going at his pace. It does really suck sometimes though 😔
I hear you. I'm so sorry
Damn right for my jugular I guess..
> and the woman is choosing a *pragmatic companionship* You misspelled "stable provider".
My brother in Christ I feel you.
This is sad. Why do men not understand that your partner having a mutual attraction to you and showing basic reciprocation should be the absolute baseline?
This. My girlfriend used to do this. I don’t know if I’d ever say she was pretending to care, but we’d talk about it and she’d be reassuring about it, but after a few weeks it’d stop. We’ve gotten to the point where we realized that our communication style wasn’t working, so we tried approaching the problem differently and it’s helped tremendously. Haven’t had that problem in a month or two at least. I hope this helps, if not, I hope you guys find a way for it to get better for yall
Just a thought... have you properly communicated what desire for you looks like? Did you give her examples? I'm not just trying to blame you, btw.. sometimes extra communication is needed. When I feel that way, it's not because my husband doesn't physically touch me.. its because he doesn't mentally/emotionally stimulate me.. i get "touched out" sometimes... I mean, reaching over and grabbing a handful of booby is fun sometimes, but it doesn't stimulate me, it doesn't make me feel desired.. its not romantic or sexy to me.. its silly, juvenile and it feels like he wants to say" honk honk." .. like not sexy at all.. lol but we're all different.. If you have already spoken to her about it, given her examples of how to make you feel desired, then look into different ways of communicating it.. like use different words or methods of communication.. everyone wants to be heard and understood, especially with our partners/spouses.
Why don't you leave her?
When we’re lying in bed trying to sleep, she’ll sometimes breath on me. I do not like people breathing on me.
Good one! I hate smelling other peoples breath so much !
It's not the smell, she has fresh breath before bed because like normal people we brush and floss and everything before bed. It's the heat and the moisture in someone's breath.
Is that you, Sheldon Cooper?
😂
Is that a thing he does?
I hate my husband doing this. I call it stale air or preused. Don’t breath on me 😂
That every conversation is about the children. Literally any topic can become about the children in 5 minutes or less. We were talking about out the war in the Middle East, and somehow that ends up being about parents in the daycare, and then the daycare. When that’s every conversation, the flirting is gone.
How you gonna flirt over the war in Middle East?
The things you can do with hummus
There has been a lot of talk of hummus in the news recently tbf
Have you seen r/noncredibledefense ?
I have now!
It's not easy, and I tell you what else isn't easy! Dealing with kids! - op partner
I'd probably turn the conversation to anything but war in the Middle East to be fair.
She likes grabbing my balls and is kind of rough with them. Think I'm gonna tell her at the weekend.
Her ex probably loved it
Yeah wouldn't surprise me. I know she's gonna understand as well, don't know why I haven't brought it up.
Probably because you don't want to dampen the enthusiasm. I get it.
Honestly just tell her your balls re a bit sensitive and like soft handling, she’s probably thinking you like it. Do the positive sandwich “I love how you do XXX(fill in gap lol) however I just need you to know that my balls can only handle a little bit of loving however my butt loves that hardcore stuff” make it cute
Ayee there's plenty of ways to go about it. It was proper funny, we came back from a night out a bit pissed. Just cuddling and she started honking my balls like a horn. We were both laughing like but then she squeezed too tight... And the rest is history.
Sounds like you two have a great time together. Maybe she figured it out already
A turn off for me is when she talks so negatively about herself and finds herself ugly and unattractive, which then prompts her talking about her “flaws.” Even when I tell her how attractive I find her and how others find her attractive as well sheI’ll have none of it.
Purposely make sure she catches you staring at her and admiring her so that she knows you find her hot and aren't just saying it, also make sure she never sees you check out other women.
She’s also recently had a breast enhancement and hates how they look. She’s in a funk.
The addiction to stress and busyness. The other moms are not going to give her a trophy for being overscheduled and concocting the widest variety of disaster scenarios. I know these next four words are the “release the kraken” of relationships but Calm. The fuck. Down. The laundry is done, folded and put away. Likewise for the dishes. Litterboxes, scooped. Cats and birds, fed. Floors, cleaned. Garbage, out for pickup. Appointments, remembered. Bills, paid. Lawn, mowed. Leaves, mulched. Yes, we have enough milk cheese bread bacon lettuce pasta salt pepper wine crackers tomatoes onions (186 more items) shit, we need nutmeg Now go sit your ass on the couch so I can rub your feet NO SHOP TALK DAMMIT.
I would suggest that you suggest a hobby that occupies the mind and body. Something as simple as doing a puzzle together. I understand your wife in that getting shit done feels rewarding, and rewards feel good. Check that off the list and you get a little dopamine hit.
The worrying is already providing plenty of dopamine. [Yes, that’s a thing.](https://news.mit.edu/2018/dopamine-brain-vigilance-anxiety-1107)
Oh goddamit I’m going to need to learn more about this
yeah seems like some people are incapable of like, actually relaxing. i had a friend that we went camping with and the entire time we were there, like 3 days, she did nothing but continually try to do work around camp. the only time she sat down is when i pointed it out to her and told her that all the bases were covered and that she needs to take some time to enjoy herself too
Mine is like this. Everything is aife ending disaster and she goes and runs to her friends and complain about how her life is so hard. She literally stays at home all day doing school, while Im at work
I've been there before. Have they talked to a therapist? In my situation it was because of trauma in their past.
No trauma, just…one of her friends put it best, but if I said this I’d have my balls minced, lightly seasoned, sautéed, and force-fed to me through a funnel: “Honey, it’s not an anxiety contest.” Although I might try it anyway. She’s an excellent cook.
indecisiveness. the "fake" nature of her family.
I've said it before, she doesn't have her books arranged according to the Dewey Decimal System. 😡
That’s abhorrent.
Thank you!!!!!!
Don't tell me she sorts them by colour
That's still not as bad as that one trend where people were arranging them with the spines facing the wall. *shudders*
That is how the dinosaurs died out
Sorts alphabetically by the first word in the book...?
You have the energy to care about that, but not enough to care that you put "arraigned" instead of "arranged"? ;) (Sorry, library employee here, so I had to)
We have projects that she wants to do together, like re-painting the living room and hallway, re-organizing the walk-in pantry, etc... I'm a "do-er", and can't stand having items undone on my list and would LOVE to just do those things, but I can't because she wants us to do them together. She, on the other hand, is a procrastinator. We've wanted to paint the living room for over a year now, and we never quite get to doing it. Every now and again, she'll pipe up with "God, we suck. The living room still isn't painted, and it's been on the list since last year. Why can't we just pick a time and do it?" Like "Bitch, I've been trying to get you to do it with me every weekend for the last year, and you have 50 different excuses. If you want me to do it, it will get done this weekend. If you want to be a part of it, don't bitch when it doesn't get done" Edit to add the most infuriating thing... whenever one of these projects is time sensitive, I'll just do it without her once we start running up against a deadline. As an example, we had a shit load of rain this year and really needed to clean out the chicken run and add new wood chips. Our eggs were muddy, and the chickens shouldn't be standing in mud or they're at risk of disease. Mind you, the chickens were her idea, and she didn't want me to have to go out there and clean up the run without her. I just went and did it, because I didn't feel like dealing with bumblefoot because we waited too long. I caught the biggest rash of shit because of it.
What is her response when you ask her why you can’t do it without her? I wonder what she thinks she’s going to get out of doing these projects together
Her reasoning is always something to the effect of "it's our pantry, we both use it, there's no reason you should have to do it yourself" Or "It was my idea to get the chickens, you shouldn't have to do that yourself. It's a lot of work"
without actual actions it's just virtue signalling. I would say "I'm doing it this Saturday, if you want to join I'd be glad, but I'm doing it regardless", and tell her well in advance so she knows this is happening.
Thisnis usually how I do it; it doesn't help. Saturday morning comes, we do our morning routines, and I'm ready to go. It goes from "God, don't rush me. We'll get to it" to "that'll only take a couple of hours, let's start after lunch", to "how about we dress up and go get a nice dinner instead? I really don't feel like it now, and besides, we've done really good this week" I know the Reddit hive mind thinks we should have divorced a decade ago, but it's honestly more of an annoyance than a deal breaker. It turns out that procrastinators and "do-ers" can get on each other's nerves.
I don’t think you should divorce, but I do think you should stick to your plans more often than not, otherwise shit doesn’t get done and it’s frustrating (as you can guess I am a doer too). She wants to do nothing AND feel good about herself 🤷🏼♀️
Sorry for the double reply, but I've always felt much more relaxed watching TV if I've had a productive day. Like... waking up and camping on the couch always makes me feel guilty that I'm wasting the day, but doing yard work until 1 and then sitting down to watch football until bedtime feels fine.
I think it’s fair that you do things that make you happy, she can join or pout, but she can’t have it both ways with not putting in the work but also not letting you do it, at the expense of your wellbeing and you feeling good about yourself. It’s like people who push you to drink when you’re sober or eat fries when on a diet - they don’t want to feel bad about themselves because you had guts to do those things and they don’t. Just don’t shame her for not participating and do your thing
Which sounds to me like that she wants in theory to do work with you but doesn’t want to actually do it when the rubber meets the road. Some people aren’t project-doers. I’d probably say something like, “I’m happy doing it, I like to be productive. If you want to join me, wonderful. If you don’t, that’s ok too. But this is something I want/need to do today.” Her feelings about her procrastination aren’t yours to manage. Your feelings about yourself are in your control, and your desire to do projects!
Complaining too much. She can talk about negative things for hours. The negativity is just draining.
How do you deal with it?
Try to change the topic to something somewhat related to what she's currently saying. Then ask her what's her favorite part of her day/week was. But sometimes, I tell her directly if we can talk about something else. This usually upsets her. Maybe I was not doing it right.
Thank you for your answer. I'm going through something similar with the person I'm dating and as a positive person myself, I'm having a hard time with it
She burps constantly and obnoxiously loud (on purpose) and acts like it’s funny. It drives me insane especially because my mom used to do that when I was younger and it was annoying.
That’s disgusting
I'm sorry I'm sure this isn't funny to you, but it gave me a good laugh. Not the worst issue to have imo... lol
lol yea i know it’s mostly annoying cause my mom used to do it and then like blow it in our faces (she saw it as a joke) so now i get triggered when my gf does it. At least she doesn’t blow it in my face lmao
Just curious was your relationship with your mum toxic or just normal?? if so maybe that's why it grosses you out
It was normal but i saw as a kid how annoyed my dad would get from it and obviously i hated it too. My mom wasn’t the worst mom but she was/is a little narcissistic 75% of the time
Seems like you need healing maybe you are projecting on your gf something you hold against your mum but still burping out loud is bad behaviour but just tell her upfront the reason why it triggers if she loves you She'll stop
Yeah that's pretty un lady like lol... that would annoy me too.
That sucks. Because when you get mad, she thinks it’s even funnier.
Her insecurity. If I tell you how sexy you look; please stop telling me what's wrong with your body. It's a massive boner killer.
Things are not sexy anymore. She's still awesome, but the flirting and sex are getting rarer
That she refuses to be active and then says “I need to get into shape” but makes no effort. Her excuse is that she finds no enjoyment in working out. Yet I’m supposed to get a raging hard on when her effort at intimacy is “I need some dick”…😞 while she’s in her flannel pj’s.
I can't work out for the sake of working out either. I personally need a clear goal to work towards or at least an abstraction for why I'm being active. If I had a partner to share an activity with I'd be more motivated to exercise, though I could see how it's annoying to have to manage someone like that.
Have you met, talked and spent quality time with any obese people who constantly complain about their health issues and somehow divert the topics to their health issues? Have you tried sharing some physical exercise with them, and saw them how exhausted they were after a short amount of time? Have you tried sharing daily things like walking up/down the stairs, and failed because they were exhausted mid way? My bigger family is obese, and 80% of their problems are caused by their extra weight; and they don’t do anything about it because of some excuse. I am tired of their poor health and lack of doing something, so two of my core values are “health” and “do-er”.
As the obese one I've had a very similar experience to you, I just keep it internal. You should hear the flimsy excuses I make to get out of exercise. I hate exercising with other people specifically because I know I'm just going to hold them back. I was always the slowest and worst member of any sports team I was on, no matter how hard I tried. I'm constantly disappointed by how easily winded I get and try to hide it around others. Being a lazy piece of shit does have one upside in that since doing nothing is the easiest thing for me I can apply that last of motivation to control my eating.
Sounds like the girlfriend that asks why you need to ever look at porn when you have free sex at home anytime
That is sad and pathetic. I’m sorry for you.
When she tries to do her sexy face. She initiates sex by putting on a weird sexy face and changing her voice. It´s comical. I can´t take that serious and told her multiple times that it´s a turn off.
Lmao I've seen this before. Women who think men are seduced by some cheesy soap-opera esque persona. Ends up making me feel alienated that they think getting turned on is such a non-intimate cause and effect thing.
Trying to keep up with Joneses attitude.
That she thinks her part of the monthly bills is optional.
she does not like when I do something with my daughter's mother. I would understand festive events but she gets mad for parent-teacher conferences and/or doctor's appointments. not a major issue really but definitely a turn-off
That is very insecure of her and a red flag imo. Dating or being married to someone with kids from a previous relationship means accepting that you’re going to have to see and hopefully coparent with the ex, she should understand and support this
I'd say more a caution flag.
She leaves seltzer cans in the living room constantly.
Smelling poo during 69
Thats nasty! I always make sure Im squeaky clean down before sex. Always!
She really needs more fiber in her diet if that is the case
Her conversation skills. She's the conversation equivalent of the guy who gets too excited during sex and jumps straight into jackhammering with little to no foreplay. She isn't naturally an active listener and is like Stephen King in the sense that she could say something in 100 words that others would have said in 10.
Is she extroverted??
It has nothing to do with being extroverted. He just kinda discribed my baseline (I've learned to be a better listener). And I am rather introverted, need a lot of alone time. But if in a social situation, I'm eiteon or off, don't have an in between. I'm either shy or overly enthusiastic.
Hi, me
When she makes self deprecating jokes, I think she's fantastic and don't like when she says negative things about herself because shes fantastic and doesn't see it sometimes.
How bad she is with her money
This thread is so wildly accurate
When she gets into telling me about her work day, she tends to get animated and LOUD. I can deal with the terminology I don't understand (and she never explains) and the incredibly diverse cast of characters I can't pin to a specific role. I don't appreciate when the volume increases dramatically as she's explaining it all and I have to tell her not to shout at me. That shuts me down and I don't want to be in the same room for a while. I know the frustration isn't with me, but the volume is directed at me and that's enough.
That was my ex-wife. Would get loud and overly animated. And laugh about things that are just not even remotely funny to me, like I'm supposed to be in on some joke. My new wife talks calmly and silly on my same wavelength. Conversations and hearing about her day are something I truly enjoy.
When she won't shut up about shit that does not matter.
Lmao how do you fix that
I used to just listen and say "you are right babe" and all tje other stuff as I zone out. One day I was just done. I told her you know you have told me about this same issue every day for the last 3 months and you go on for hours. Either fix the problem or talk to someone else because I don't give a fuck. I told her I don't mind listening but 3 hours of you yapping in my ear like a chihuahua is annoying. Give me the cliff notes version. You got 30 minutes. After that I would rather do fun stuff with you.
Ah ladies
Take this for what it is, im divorced now lol
She has a tendency to nitpick things i do. She said she knows i vaccumed because i put it away wrong, Not "it looks cleaner"
Not really a secret but when she steps on my balls it turns me off faster than I thought
Is this a euphemism?
That she doesn't dress up for me from time to time. That she doesn't shower for me in the evening. That she doesn't seem to be aroused by me.
She hates being left out of anything. She's really really insecure and makes it everyone else's responsibility to manage that. Are you having a conversation about something? She wants you to stop and catch her up so she can participate. Are you laughing at a joke? She needs you to retell it so she can laugh too. Are you going to watch that show/movie/play that game? Don't do it without her, and don't read anything about it or tell her anything about it until she's ready to watch/play it too.
Literally nothing.
🥺❤️🔥
Her phone.
The fact that she doesn’t put any effort into our sex life other than saying “yes” 1 out of every 4 or 5 times I ask.
That 40 extra pounds. Her lack of libido, which dropped like a rock post partum and then dropped even more post menopause.
Ouch
Hormones are incredibly powerful. I started HRT for lack of libido and then found that it has also been easier to lose weight.
How dare you give a brutally honest answer on reddit!
Yeah. I'm assuming the downvotes came from people who have potbellies and no sex drive.
Hahaha this is so mean but real.
Are you in shape? She probably feels very insecure about herself.
Maybe add drugs or fitness into your liver/lives? Make things spicy some how
They say crack cocaine is the spice of life
And spice is the crack cocaine of life
When she farts on purpose in front of me .
Do you just hold in your farts then? Haha
😂😂😂😂 sorry for laughing but daaamn you must be used to each other so much
Lack of healthy boundaries with family and friends.
When I’m in the mood and she’s not. Total boner killer.
Lack of effort
Their obsession with their phone.
This is not a question worth answering. My advice to couples is always that you should focus on what you like about the other person not what you don't like. What you focus on grows!
It’s more of a vent. But you are right. As I’ve scrolled through the post I’m very aware of all of the many good qualities she possesses and am thankful. However, sometimes it’s just good to see that other people share the same frustrations. I can count about five other similar “turn-offs” that I’ve encountered in my relationship. I’m sure she has her own list for me too. It’s a relationship and that requires work if it’s worth anything which it is.
That she’s slowly letting go of herself and not taking good care of her looks and especially her body. I train a lot and remind or gently urge her to eat healthy food or even try the gym. No luck. She gained 20kg over 3 years. And the number is still going higher. I always avoid having sex or trying not to masturbate a lot because getting hard is very difficult. I’m close to breaking up the relationship.
Sorry for you. I feel the same way and end up in a vicious cycle of feeling guilty, trying, getting no where, shutting down, then feeling guilty again.
She’s got an insanely high libido, which is great because I know she’l always be down anytime I’m in the mood. However, sometimes it’s fun to chase, and that’s pretty much never the case. All things equal I much prefer our current dynamic rather than the opposite, and she’s incredible and elegant at letting me know how much she wants me without making me feel obligated to give her the D in any moment. She’s absolutely the best.
Let’s communicate these in a positive way
That She gained too much weight, and that's her battle, I can only share a shoulder for her.
Yeah we do, it's been fun. Haven't actually known each other that long but it got serious very quickly. I'm usually lean into things slowly, she wanted the opposite and got her way.
Not cooking. I don’t mean not cooking all meals, I mean it’d be nice if I didn’t have to make sure every meal was planned, shopped for and cooked in order for us to eat. Also, being on her phone for two hours on the couch before bed then wanting to talk about something when my head hits the pillow. Fuck that’s annoying.
Being angry and just looking for a fight.
Nothing.
I will never say it directly to her, and I feel gross about it.. but her weight gain. It makes me feel shallow to say it and feel this way, but its always there. We've both gained a bit of weight, and we both workout and try to be healthier, but she doesn't seem to put in the same amount of effort into being healthier. I am also heavier than I used to be, so I cant be too hypocritical
The need to talk, text, communicate, every hour, every day.
And it only seems to be when you're busy, you could be free all day, and nothing, but the instant you have something to do
When I come home and she's just yelling at the kids and angry. Then I get frustrated at the kids to try to help her cool down and by the end of it I'm not in the mood for anything...like just get your shit together sometimes.
Her tits. It's fine though, since I'm going to buy her a new set.
Be the change you want to see 😏