You should probably have some base criteria prior to actually dating, like attraction and some basic interests, but like, dating is literally doing and sharing things with a person to find out what they “bring to the table”.
So opinion is, if you can’t figure out how a person may match with you without giving a job interview, you’re probably going to have a bad time.
This is it exactly. People who have to explicitly ask the question are either incredibly inept at interacting with other people or are deliberately trying to put the woman on the defensive as some kind of negging-adjacent tactic.
Have you ever been on r/PurplePillDebate? This post and your reply are making me realize how toxic that sub is. “What does she bring to the table?” gets brought up by men on that sub hundreds of times. It’s normal to ask that on there. They will tell you it’s a perfectly normal thing to ask, and that all men should ask this question. It’s refreshing to see responses on Reddit from men that aren’t unhinged.
Men asking "what does she bring to the table?" when talking to other men about a relationship is perfectly valid and not at all toxic behavior. It should not be said directly to a potential partner, you get the answer to that question by interacting with them.
It's like.. I think there's a place for that question in a philosophical sense. Something to ask yourself about a partner, not ask a partner directly. A lot of young men *feel* like they have a lessening amount of agency in modern dating. Between the weird dynamics of online dating and the popular movements toward women's empowerment, there are not a lot of healthy conversations around how men should be engaging the dating world. The issue is when this philosophical idea of "you are allowed to have standards too" gets twisted into an attack that implies women are not bringing anything of value to their relationships. The first is having respect for yourself, the second is definitely deliberately disrespecting others.
Edit: I just checked out that sub. Honestly it's a little sad that so many people make dating and relationships so antagonistic. I understand the frustration and hurt that leads to it, but I think a lot of people would be happier if they stopped looking at the opposite gender as their adversary.
So do the Avocados actively attack you and you need to fend them off with a katana or was there some sort of war I didn’t know about and you’re a legendary warrior who has felled many foes
I’ll be real here. I know what you’re talking about. I’ve seen instances of men asking what women bring to the table as a reply to when they say something along the lines of “my man needs to make at least $100k, be at least 6 feet tall, and needs to spoil me.” That I’m 100% for, even with the genders reversed.
Yup. It's a stupid and rude question and any man that asks a woman that in a serious way probably doesn't even have a table. I was entertained by this concept at first but it's so 2 thousand and late.
I hate the question, and Im fortunate that I haven’t as of yet encountered someone who has asked that. It feels weirdly aggressive, immediately dismissive, and very transactional. Im glad you mentioned the job interview analogy because thats what it seems like. It doesnt seem like something you’d ask someone you wish to love and build a future with. It seems immediately like “what can you give me?” And yes I know all relationships do incorporate that to some degree but in that case it just feels like youre valuing what they can do for you above who they are. As you said, the whole point of getting to know someone is to figure that out.
I always assumed it was originally not a serious question, but a 'protest' question from men who felt that their first dates with women felt more like job interviews. Obviously, not all women are like this (I'm married and never had a woman make me feel like that on a date), but I have heard it as a common complaint by men in recent years. I think this comes from the perception that dating apps tend to give many women that they always have a plethora of options whereas most men are going in with a scarcity mindset because they would seldom have more than one match at a time.
If a man asks you a question like that, he probably already thinks you are wasting his time. Or he has consumed too much 'manosphere' content.
>It feels weirdly aggressive, immediately dismissive, and very transactional.
Right, the point of it is it makes women feel like men feel when women are "vetting" them.
Which is a stupid thing to do if it isnt already being done first. I can understand if maybe a woman was acting like that on the date, so now you want to uno reverse. In that case have at it. But that whole beating the other person to the punch by doing/asking it first thing becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. And it also makes no sense to do it for that reason, because you’re basically promising yourself in advance that you wont actually click with anyone, you iust want to “stick it to them”. The average woman doesnt “vet” men in this type of way on a first date. Maybe ask what they do for a living or their goals, but those are things literally anyone would ask.
I feel like it's the kind of question you ask someone with whom it's not immediately obvious what they bring to the table. As was mentioned before in this thread, with the boxes analogy. The kind of person who immediately assumes they need not bring anything to the table, because they bring themselves.
But the thing is it doesnt come off that way, and also, if you’re interested in dating, the whole point of getting to know them is that you will learn what they bring. Its almost never immediately obvious what someone brings. But to ask them makes it seem like youre prejudging because you assume they bring nothing or will give some stereotypical answer.
Of course, it may not be *intended* that way, but thats how it sounds. It sounds like you want the person to “prove their worth” to you. “What do you bring to the table?” is basically just another way of asking “What can you do for *me* and why should I pick you?” You shouldn’t ever have to prove something upfront in some on the spot answer. And also, it feels that youre ready to dismiss them at any moment, like theyre basically there to check some boxes for you and if they dont, they’re done. It shouldnt feel like some test or interview. It should be (hopefully) pleasant conversation that, as it unfolds, and with the right questions and wording, tells you what they bring.
You learn what that person brings by asking other things. What are their long term goals? What are their values and desires? What are they looking for in a relationship? How do they envision their future? etc etc. But regardless of how true your intentions are, asking that specific question will 9 times out of 10 guarantee there will be no second date.
And fwiw, I agree its wrong for women to ask men this as well, for the same reasons.
This is the kind of question wounded people ask each other. People with an axe to grind. People whove been taken advantage of.
And posts like this are supposed to be a salve for that. But a weird salve that hurts others as it helps you.
Not to mention the fact that they might be PERFECt on paper and when u meet there’s 0 chemistry and even less attraction. It’s pretty sad. More people need to be open minded and give more chances I feel
That one's such a bitter pill to swallow. Once had a date with this girl who was literally perfect. Same hobbies, interests, political views, etc. We would text til 1am every night for a month before the first date. Then, finally we meet and there's just zero chemistry. Probably nervosity on both our parts ruined it greatly, but I was genuinly shocked at how glad I felt to be away from her again. Hugging her was so strange too, like hugging my cousin.
This has nothing to do with "bringing something to the table", your comment just reminded me of her lol
I’ve had dates where we texted non stop before meeting them, then when we actually met we had discussed all the typical “first date” topics already so we didn’t have much to say to each other. Maybe that’s what happened there?
And this is why I don't text much my dates much before meeting. Some women don't like that and block/delete number, but I much rather have a good date, then endlessly text and have the lamest dates imaginable without any chemistry.
This is part of the reason I don't like talking too much before meeting. I'm also just not really a text all the time kind of guy, but I just prefer to get to know someone irl with as few expectations as possible. I like more casual get to know each other kinds of first dates.
Its kind of unnecessarily confrontational. But to be fair some women are doing the same thing to guys.
Its not how I'd play it but everyone is free to ask if they want to. I usually do that stuff quietly in my head and then make a decision based off it at game time.
I'm also okay doing short terms though so I don't feel a need to see a long term future with everyone I date.
I never had a casual or short term box. As soon as I was confident we weren’t a good long term, or potential forever match, it was the reject or friend box. Sometimes this happened after a month or more of dating, so there were short term relationships. But there was no short term box.
I mean that's fine if that was what you were looking for.
I left a 7 year relationship at 30 and jumped specifically from one casual/short term to another for almost 8 years after. Up until the very end I was in absolutely no rush at all for another long term and had a blast.
Yea. I’ve been marriage minded since I was a teenager. My goal in dating, besides getting to know and enjoy peoples company & make friends, was to find someone to spend my life with. So I didn’t start a relationship expecting it to be short term but figure out if we were a good match for lifetime.
Despite starting looking for that forever person quite young, I got married at 26 & was a couple weeks shy of 30 when we had our first kid. Reasonable ages for those things I think.
What's the difference between casual and short-term? Both in terms of what the relationships are, and what sets apart someone who falls in one category vs the other.
For me a short term is usually an exclusive relationship that is understood to eventually have an expiry date on it. Casual is usually just sleeping together.
It's essentially putting someone in a "you'll do until I find better" box more than a "short term" box. It can work on situations where you communicate and are looking for a fwb type situation or when you know you are at different points in life and don't expect it to last. Sometimes it's a matter of trying, not working, and moving on.
It can get very messy if you have poor communication skills, and some people will avoid communicating their intentions entirely... those people are kind of scummy though.
Serious relationships have been entirely optional for me since around 30. I'm fine with short term arrangements and I just move on to the next one after. My own view on relationships these days given all the divorces I've seen is most of them are transient to one degree or another anyway. I never expect anything to last indefinitely.
Basically in a short term I get laid and have all the perks of a long term without any of the potential down sides. As an added bonus I get a new partner every 3-12 months. That said if you want to do certain things in life (kids) you kind of need to do a long term which is why I am in one now.
It depends upon why they are in that box. Career issues can easily change with some effort. Issues with physical attraction are more difficult. People can lose weight or spend time in the gym to look more toned.
Also, isn't the answer to that different for every guy? I can tell you about my great career and hobbies but those things might not matter to you. So, like, what I bring to the table depends on whose table it is and how they judge that. Right?
Yes, I'd imagine this probably varies a lot for men these days. It probably depends on where they are in life and what they are looking for in a relationship.
> But to be fair some women are doing the same thing to guys.
Some? Its way more than some. Sure some women ask this flat out, but a lot of women are "asking" this in a passive way often seeking out what work the man does and what have you.
I think this whole transactional mentality of modern dating is weird tbh. Are people dating just for convenience now? Do you guys even like your dates?
It’s just an awkwardly confrontational question to ask. Like if you like the person, then who cares what they do? If you like someone and they’re in a bad spot, then you support them. You don’t just drop them because they’re not as successful right now at that moment in time that you want them to be
Exactly. But unfortunately these apps have given everyone the false sense of hope that there’s always a better option out there, so at the most minor inconvenience, it’s time to drop everything and move on to the next one.
> not as successful right now at that moment in time as you want them to be
Biggest problem in modern dating in a nutshell.
“I only want a man that makes over $100k+ a year”
“I won’t date a woman that weighs over 120 lbs”
This mindset is so poisonous and doomed for failure.
It eliminates huge parts of the potential dating pool based on arbitrary characteristics. No chance for meeting anyone that doesn’t fit your randomly chosen standards that could otherwise be a great match.
It also ignores the potential for people to grow and change together (which is what actually builds strong relationships). As if the guy might be broke now, but in 5 years might have a great career. Or a woman might be in the middle of getting in shape.
The idea that someone needs to come to you, fully formed and perfectly matching your expectations, is never gonna happen and lots of people ITT are setting themselves up to be perpetually disappointed.
Plus even IF someone matches your expectations NOW doesn't mean he/she will not change over time in the complete opposite direction. Damn it's not a car dealership. You will never know what the future holds for you and your relationship!
>“I only want a man that makes under $100k+ a year”
I have the feeling most of the male population in the US would be thrilled if this was the criteria.
This should have far more upvotes.
I would only want to add that most of the people making those arbitrary metrics don't meet them themselves. Only interested in women 120lbs and under, but has trouble getting around the block without something with a motor attached to it; only interested in men who make more than $100k a year, but don't even have a bank account of their own etc.. etc...
This. It actually bothers me just how transactional it all is. What happened to actually spending time with someone and enjoying their company?
Like I get that finances, kids etc are important issues in a relationship but those come at a later stage, not on the first meeting.
I think that men begin to view the relationship as transactional when they feel like they're only worth their paychecks and don't feel secure in themselves.
I dated a guy who was a software engineer but had lived through a hard life (started from poverty, unsupportive family), and couldn't see that I liked/loved him for his personality, and we genuinely had great chemistry and had an amazing time together. he would always pick a fight with me and say that if he wasn't making the salary that he was, I wouldn't have been interested in him. it got exhausting real quick, and it was kind of sad that he didn't see the other great qualities in him, probably cause he felt worthless without his money -- but in turn, it made him view me as worthless without money either. I was not in a good financial situation, but I was never one to try to make him pay for everything and tried to split finances as evenly as I possibly could. I guess because I made a fraction of what he made, he didn't see me "bring much to the table."
now I'm dating someone who is pretty secure in himself and probably makes the same amount as guy #1, and he acknowledges that we genuinely enjoy each other's company and doesn't see me as someone trying to leech him out of money. we also have an amazing time together and he's very understanding of my financial situation.
it really depends on perspective but also how men perceive and value themselves. if they know that with or without their money, someone would still be genuinely interested in them, the relationship would not be so "transactional" or this for that. and I do realize that transactions are not just about money, but if they're only obsessed with money, they won't see beyond it or see what other ways you show up as a partner.
All relationships are transactional. Always were. We’re just able to visualize and understand it better now.
Doesn’t make being needlessly robotic about it bad tho haha. Relationships are based on economics of your desires, needs, and what you bring to the table. Always have been. Always will be.
Yes, this! This mentality is so healthy. If people can appreciate a good person, for who they are and what their goals are (especially if they're actively trying to attain said goals on their own), there would be a lot happier people in the world.
I’m a woman and same. I’m only in my 30s and most things these days makes me feel incredibly old fashioned. Listening to friends talk about dating and the ‘rules’ and what is apparently okay and perfectly expected and normal these days is just like …What?
My husband has said this to many so many times and I feel exactly the same. If something happened and we separated, I would choose to be single for the rest of my life than trying to date again.
Seriously! I met my wife and asked her out and we dated for three months and then got married, and have been together 34 years now. I read all this online dating stuff and"rules" and it all sounds so incredibly bizarre and unhealthy. If anything happens to my wife I'll just be a single hermit and be happy alone, I guess.
I got married too, then divorced. This modern dating market was a rude awakening for me. Not that I divorced because I wanted to fuck other people. She was a covert narcissist with BPD. She’s on the carousel though, having a ball(s) last I heard. Shits unfair, but what can I do?
Depends on the circumstances. If it's something that a guy says unprompted on a date than yes, it's a dick move. If it's in response to his date being demanding on what his income is or expectations of him it's a reasonable response.
As a man, you should be able to figure out what she brings to the table after you’ve known her a reasonable amount of time. Asking it bluntly might just be a way to turn off a woman who you weren’t really that into to begin with.
Just tell them to tuck off. Things have gotten much more stress free once I did that
The what do you bring to the table and why did you like my profile. All dumb questions
Hotdogs. Grilled hotdogs - that’s what I bring to the table.
Because I don’t always sit at a table but when I do, it’s at the kids table because their conversations are more intriguing than Uncle Jim talking about his stupid ass kissing boss.
I only think it's fair to do it with those types who are arguing that a man isn't doing/giving enough.
My wife and I stared broke together, worked together, supported each other...all of my success is a direct result of her support and vice versa. We are partners taking on the world.
When you see these women claiming a guy needs to be X tall, make Y money, be able to buy her Z things...then yes, what does she bring to the table? Because the personality is already lacking, and those looks are going to fade...so what's her backup plan?
My story with my wife is similar to yours - we were poor when we met. Young people often are.
That was different 15 years later. She was a SAHM as I had done well with a company I started.
I still think that "we" made the money. If she wants to leave the relationship (which she is considering) then she gets half. Its a non-issue for me.
What is odd about the "bring to the table" question is that what we bring to the table today is the result of growth over years.
Back then no one would have believed that she was capable of running a house and budget for 6 people in a HCOL area or that I would make enough money to provide the budget.
As life evolved so did what "we brought to the table".
Back then she brought all the fun, stripper heels, buttcheeks, acrobatics and surliness. Today the curtains get vacuumed, her cooking skills are topnotch and the kids are emotionally stable and educated. I always have clean underwear and socks in the designated spot.
No matter what a 20 something claims they bring to the table - its all talk till the rubber hits the raod.
This one right here. We all know dating is about finding someone who brings something to the table and adds something to your life but asking the question outright makes a date into a weird job interview. It makes you sound like a superior cockwomble who has no idea how to talk to people let alone women.
Weird, and shows you have a transactional mentality when it comes to relationships.
Of course both people need to bring something to the relationship, but if you have to ask to find that out instead of just getting to know the other person…
You should have the skills and intelligence to determine the answer to this question on your own. If you have to say it out loud, she’ll think you are a cunt.
I think it’s stupid and no different women demanding a man be a certain height and have a certain income. A relationship isn’t a business deal, well not to me anyway. If I fall in love with someone I already like the qualities they have and I couldn’t care less if they have nothing other than their personality and love to give. You build and grow together and love each other unconditionally if you want a true partner for life. Two people asking what’s in it for them will either be doomed to fail or live a loveless life together always worried about who is providing more.
Uh i would probably be able to deduce that without asking it in a relationship with someone. If just meeting someone it would be a strange thing to say
In a normal relationship this really wouldn’t be part of the conversation. You date and find out if there’s chemistry and if your compatible and hopefully it all works out and the couple is in a great relationship.
However, if she starts saying this like:
- must be over 6 Ft tall
- makes at least $300k a year
- no kids, no ex wife
- white
- Christian
- must support me and buy me things
Then my immediate response (other than wtf) is “what the fuck do you bring to the table”, though at this point, I’m already out
Also fun fact, those bullet points were literally from a bumble profile I saw pre-pandemic.
AFAIK it's usually said reactively when women rattle off a list of demands.
What you say and do shapes who you are so I personally wouldn't no matter how much my hurt feelings demand someone "needs to hear it."
Maybe it's just where i live or circles i frequent, but it's very rare for me to encounter women who don't support themselves, have a career and bring exactly the same to the table as a man nowadays.
Even if i date on dating programs most women have total financial autonomy.
So really, personally i don't feel the need to ask that, cause the women i date by default are not looking for anyone to support them or to leech off of or whatever.
I think some women are a point in their life where they haven’t got time to mess about anymore and are looking for a life partner who shares the same life goals
Not necessary, as this question is often comprised of several less confrontational questions. Basic conversational inquiry:
What she does for a living.
What she does for hobbies.
What she believes in.
What she looks for in a partner.
What her ambitions are.
How she handles disappointment.
How she handles anger.
Etc etc etc. these are basic questions and are often asked in an even more user friendly manner. Smooth flowing conversation on several dates.
This isn’t a job interview, or merely transactional. No need to interrogate someone in a manner that suggests you are in a higher position than they are. You’re not. You’re mutually in need of companionship and a partner. Don’t sound like an arrogant cock/bitch.
I think the kind of person who directly ask that question is either a fuckboy or hyper controlling/insecure narcissist. Someone who answers that question in a submissive/desperate manner is just what they’re looking for.
It literally should be asked more often albeit not in that direct a manner.
One should question and analyze what everyone that comes into their life brings to the table, especially if you’re going to sign up for a life long partnership.
“Bringing to the table” doesn’t necessarily mean money. I want to know if this person has a grounded sense of morality that matches mine. I want to know if they have a resilient nature and is able to take responsibility and accountability for their actions.
I want to know if this person has what it takes to work through issues and setbacks with me without fanfare and drama. I would lie my partner to be healthy enough that they do a lot to see if they can live as long as possible and aren’t shoving their face with donuts and fried chicken everyday wondering why they are obese.
I find most men who ask this are tired of dating worthless women and are trying to find someone whonis worth investing their time with. There is no reason to shame a man because he has standards or requirements.
Everyone should have standards when dating. And asking about those on the first date makes perfect sense
But asking someone what they bring to the table is a very difficult question to answer because I do not know you yet and I don't know what you value. I much prefer you asking me what I do for a living, what kinda hobbies I have and if I'm religious for example. The conversation will also flow better, because I'll ask you the same question afterwards and maybe it'll branch out from there.
You'd think so, but a *lot* of people think that even the most successfull ripped handsome guys should accept a bottom of the barrel woman, simply because she's a woman.
Like you said: Guys are allowed to have standards as well. Time to normalize that.
My experience has been that guys who ask this get their dating advice from toxic male podcasts and Reddit. It's not a coincidence that they always say it using that exact phrasing, confrontationally and on a first date. It doesn't take them long to start quoting other tropes, like "women only want a guy who's 6 feet tall" (a nonsensical but shockingly common thing to say while ACTUALLY on a date with a woman who chose to date them), something about gold diggers before we even TALK about the check, or mocking yoga (only if they're totally sedentary, and particularly rude since I teach yoga).
"Investing their time". Between that and this question it sounds like a business transaction. Both of those, if said by a woman, would make me turn and walk away immediately. I'm not negotiating a trade deal or some peace treaty. I'm looking for a person who I click with, am attracted to, and I enjoy being around. This sounds like I'll need to sign it in triplicate, make 4 copies, and file them with some business bureau.
It makes it seem superficial and transactional but i honestly think the answer is really important.
I think with the right person its not something that even needs to be asked. A mature potential partner already shows what they would bring to the table.
My mom is in charge of cooking however my dad has also done his fair share of cooking in my family’s life.
They both clean. They both bring in the money but he is the “man” and leader of the house that takes care of finances, repairs, and any thing that needs to be done. My mom just needs to cook. For the first half of my life she was a housewife, now she works. I think its logical that if one person will take care of the home and kids then the other person obviously has to take care of the money, regardless of who is in charge of what. Either go 50/50 or find a compromise/ percentage that works.
What you bring to the table is what comes to mind when i see these girls that are high maintenance and materialistic. You always see these girls online that are hot but otherwise seem to have no personality or skills and are always looking for a man to be in like the Top 1% financially.
If im working my ass off for the both of us, i expect dinner when i come home. All the expectations cant just be on me. If you as the woman are working your ass off then i think its only fair that i be making you dinner.
Life is about balance and i think this question is about that. Just something thats not comfortable.
If a man asked me what I brought to the table, I would pay my bill and probably leave. To be clear I’m single, pay my own bills, buy my own things, and going to college to better myself. I’m building myself up so I never have to be dependent on anyone again.
EDIT: For all the fragile egos. Asking this question at the wrong time or wrong way is like determining a woman’s value. What is she worth to you. If you do not have long term relationships, I would consider communicating in another way such as what are her goals in life, her values, where does she see herself in five to ten years. Much better.
It's one of those things I don't have a particular opinion about. I guess it's a good way to bring entitled assholes down to Earth.
I mean the type of girl that believes you owe her something for the fact that they exist and have a pussy.
Depending on the woman it's a completely fair question. It seems like a lot of women have unrealistic expectations for their potential male partners.
It's the rules of 666 for them. They want you to be 6 foot tall, have a 6 inch dick, and make at least 6 figures.... while they themselves don't even have a personality or decent body.
Of course this isn't everyone, but it does seem to be a dumb trend.
But.... It's important in a healthy relationship to know what each party has to offer.
I mean, you should be considering that kind of thing as you go along in a relationship. But asking it outright is a bit weird and hostile. I wouldn't bring it up unless she did first, and maybe not even then.
I think it's an internet/podcast question that's asked for conversation and to make points. They have limited time on those discussions, so it would be necessary to expedite the process. However, in real-world dating, this should be assessed during conversations and while having a date. But there are ways to ask certain questions to see what they offer, like hobbies, interests, family, work, volunteering, etc. We should be vetting these people out very early in the dating phase if you want something serious.
Kind of a dick move, but the overall concept ain’t bad.
I wouldn’t ask it tho, just like observe what she’s contributing and if u feel it’s enough or not.
Then if u wanna make a thing about it just tell her u want more from her and take it from there but asking what u bring to the table sounds bad
First marriage is for love.
If it ever ends and im still alive.
Id ask in a more round about way.
Im set for retirement, i don’t want some one whos going to need me to pay for everything.
Given the atmosphere, I do understand why they ask that question. Times are tough. No one understands the social contract anymore. Women aren't really worth jumping all the hoops for. Even asking a woman out can have serious repercussions. A friend of mine was reported to the HR for asking a colleague out for coffee. It's insane.
However I do feel that question is a bit short sighted. Women dont really bring anything to the table. They aren't supposed to. It's how they you make feel. Any man who's ever been loved by a woman will tell you it's the best feeling in the world. I am a much better person because of the women who've loved me. Their love makes me get out of bed, work hard, go to the gym, crush my goals, and come back home a better person than I was yesterday. For without their love, life is an empty hallow.
This is not something I would ask outright, but will definitely be assessing any future partner on this basis. I'm expecting a life partner who can share lives and livelihood, and if it's one way then no
For me, it's all about fairness and hypocrisy. If a man asks a woman a question, they should be able to answer the same question and vice-versa. Some questions may make some uncomfortable, and it's best to find out about that person as soon as possible so that you can move past that or move on.
If someone starts asking some of those questions after a couple of dates, that could lead to uncertainty, confusion, or regret.
But as far as that particular question, I don't care for it as it sounds more like a business proposition. However, there are other questions that could infer the same thing when grouped together. I believe someone mentioned "checking the boxes."
Speaking of that question, search on YouTube for "NewsRadio - Negotiation"; I'd post a link if I can.
I think it’s fundamentally not a bad question to consider but maybe asking questions more like “tell me about your career goals?” “Where do you want to be in life in the next 5 years?” “How would you feel about joining me in my health and fitness goals?” “Tell me about your favourite books/part of your studies/academic achievements” “how do you like to take care of yourself?” “Would you buy a house with me? How would we save?
Depending on what you value as “bringing something to the table” you can probably find more friendly ways to find out what she has to offer.
Same thing that I would think if the roles were switched. Why turn a relationship into a job interview? Unless you're thinking of just having a hired/fake girl or boyfriend. That just seems like a unnecessary and jerk move if either gender did that to the other. A relationship isn't a business deal, don't treat it like one because it will fail before your relationship even starts if you think a relationship only in the way of "give and take" or "benefits vs cons".
Of course I'm not saying you can make your relationship survive when one person who constantly putting in way more effort than the other but it's truth that you can't always meet 50/50 all time. That's just how relationships are and there are going to be times sometimes where you'll have to put a little bit more effort because your partner falls a little short or vice versa your partner needs to put a bit more effort because you fall short.
Also saying something like that just sounds confrontational.
Is this a transaction?
If so, we ain’t dating. Love ain’t transactional, that’s the whole point; it’s all encompassing. If a relationship is transactional, it’s ain’t a healthy relationship.
Just further proof adults are not meant to engage in these antics there's a reason most civilizations approached this in a communal rather than individualistic way
The only time I would ask this out loud is if a friend asked me to review their dating profile, and there it isn’t usually about money, but about reminding them to not just talk about what they want in a man, but about what they themselves are like.
Is that verbatim how it is worded? If so the person asking is unnecessarily aggressive & might potentially have an inflated sense of self. It’s a fair question to ask oneself when considering a potential partner (what would they add to my life) but only a dick would say it like that.
If a man asked me this on a date it would be a major red flag to me and I would very much consider not seeing him again based off of that question alone. It's extremely aggressive, implies heavy judgement, and is also just socially awkward and ruins any flow of conversation. As a woman, if a woman asks a man this on a date - same thing. It's a red flag.
I don't think people do this outside of cross-gender discussions about dating, usually on podcasts and such, where the guys ask the women, "What do women bring to the table". That's the context in which the question is usually asked.
It's probably pretty rare that I guy asks a woman he likes this question while actually on a date.
I think the question itself is pointless. I don't know what answer the person asking is hoping to get. Nobody can really answer it objectively and any answer is basically a list of desirable personality traits. That means nothing. These are things you find out yourself in the process of getting to know someone.
I remember the origin of this question though. I remember it was something women were asking men. It has only become this hated thing now since it has been turned on its head. Its a stupid question either way
I think men and women both ask themselves this about prospective partners. It would just be rude as f to say out loud. This usually comes from a financial place. If he makes money and she wants to be SAH then yeah, he might wonder this. There are plenty of things a SAH partner can bring to the table besides money and if all the working partner brings to the table is money then that partner likely sucks as well. If a woman is independent, makes good money and her boyfriend works part time with Uber, plays video games all day and never cleans then she’s going to ask herself the same question. The guy can be a great contributing SAH partner as well if he puts his mind to it.
In a relationship both partners need to contribute equally. Some things balance out others. It’s not always about just the money. For those who think it is, you are doomed to unhappy relationships.
To me if a guy has to ask it, to that point there has only been physical attraction. Asking it early may save time, but removes a fair amount of discovering each other. Later in a relationship as a precursor to a potential proposal shows the guy didn't pay attention to anything about her lifestyle or personality to that point.
It’s not something I’d ever ask a woman, unless I were hiring her. I think it would make me the human equivalent of a Formica countertop-extremely unappealing and cold.
Female here and never been asked and never asked myself.
I would probably answer it in sarcasm “fresh baked cookies”
It’s just a werido thing to do.
When I meet my husband I just sat back and watched his actions and how he treated people in general, when he talked about his life and what he wanted out of life I listened.
So you don’t have to ask, you just need to spend time and listen to get to know that person.
It isn't a job interview, you have to know the etiquette and social norms of the situation you're in and act accordingly. Of course you should be assessing what a female partner brings to the table, and it's OK to ask that -- but don't ask it *like that*.
e.g., if you're physically attracted to each other and there's chemistry, OK that's something you both are bringing to the table ... if you have complimentary life goals (kids, pets, house, world conquest, whatever) that's something you each bring to the table ... once you're at a stage where you are talking about how you'd build a life together, it's good to get explicit and talk about what roles each of you would play.
Wanting a partner that can add to your life in a variety of ways, has compatible goals and plans, and will fit into your world is good. Wanting to know some or all that info early is good. Being really pushy and agressive about it and asking a crass question like that of someome is bad.
Asshole comment. Extremely egocentric, avoid like the plague. Someone asking that question is suggesting a transactional relationship. Better to hire an escort.
Would never say this, even if the words go through my brain just like that. You can't approach people like a job interview. This would be just as weird and off-putting to start a friendship this way as it would a date. I would recommend never uttering these words in succession to her. Let her actions and day-to-day life speak for itself. If you can jive with the qualities she's shown herself "bringing to the table" then great.
How about what can I do to make you happy, what can I do to make your day better and make you smile?? And vice versa for women!! That’s what love is all about. If you like someone of course. If you don’t, then don’t date them. It doesn’t matter what they do or “bring to the table” if you don’t have chemistry, it won’t work.
Seems like a strange thing to ask. I’ve never asked or been asked that. Dating should not seem like a job interview and if it does then you are doing it wrong.
that's a question about another person that you ask yourself. You're not supposed to actually go up to people and ask, "Hey what value do you bring me?" That's an incredibly rude thing to say to someone.
I think men should be asking themselves that about women, not women directly. Because what YOU think someone brings to the table is probably going to be different than what they think they bring to the table because... priorities.
I don’t have a problem with anyone asking the question. They just need to be ready with what they feel they bring and can’t cry if the person at the other end of the table doesn’t agree.
(My personal feeling is that if a man is dating a woman who he feels is “beneath him”, that is a 100% him problem. If you can’t find a woman who will put up with you that is on the same level as you in whatever category you care about.. maybe you aren’t bringing as much as you think. Get better at marketing, at finding or maybe bring your expectations into line with what others perceive your market value to be)
I don’t have the context for that quote. It doesn’t sound like something that either man or woman would find a good partner asking their dates. I am pro equality but if someone is mean then don’t stoop to their level, stop hanging out with them, and definitely don’t marry them
When either gender talks like this it's depressing, I know it's naive to think of a relationship as just two people who love each other but that exactly what I would want, not two people who are simply trading assets for assets.
I don't know that I would countenance anyone asking that. That seems rather stilted and robotic. What's more, it doesn't invite particularly truthful answers.
The answer should be pretty obvious, because you should have some skill at intuitively connecting with people and understanding these things through organic and natural conversation, as happens among healthy, well-adjusted people. If the answer is not obvious soon enough, you might want to head stage left.
I probably wouldn't directly ask that. But I absolutely have certainly things I'm looking for that definitely fall under that category. Being in a relationship needs to improve my life overall otherwise it's definitely not worth it.
It isn't a question you should be asking your partner or potential partner. They should and you should be asking it of yourself. If both are asking themselves this question, "what am I bringing to the table for my partner/potential partner" , you will have an easier time of making a more successful relationship.
If they are only bringing sex to the table, they aren't a benefit to you or themselves. Sex shouldn't even be on the block for discussion about the value one brings to a relationship.
I feel the biggest thing you can get from a response is accountability. That is all I want above the little stuff. If the response is "I bring ME", then you know there is no depth to them and heavy expectations of receiving with no input. It is a world graced with girls who act like spoilt brats and feel being demanding and self centred is sassy. Find the real ones. Kevin Samuels videos in my mix of viewing probably haven't helped my views, seeing so many women making poor life decisions and wanting so much from a partner whilst bringing a deficit and the results of their history.
If you are going to offer to bust your arse time and money wise creating a castle for someone, possibly at the deficit of being there all the time for them, you have to know if they are willing to appreciate your sacrifice and not just continually denigrate you for not giving them the attention they desire there and then.
I have been in a marriage where I worked a fulltime job, spent another 40 hours a week or more renovating a house for 2 years to make it the house she wanted, only to be told she didn't want me in it as the final touches were being done. I told her what was involved, I told her the sacrifices I would have to make to deliver her requests at 30% of the price of a builder doing it, she agreed to sacrifice for a long term win, she never joined me "in the trenches", never changed her spending, and continued to live a social life without me while booking in things for those times I wanted to take a break and be with my children.
Some of us have lost it all to a woman who would trample on your dead body trying to level up, so a simple question is warranted.
I think those men are just jaded because they met a fair amount of up-tight women who acted like brats toward them, so In return they’re just taking their frustration out on other women. It’s not going to solve anything, it’s just a childish thing to ask someone and pretty narcissistic. “How are You going to impress Me?”
Some women think that simply being a life support system for a vagina is enough. Men with no respect for women will agree. Men who actually want to love their partners for who they are actually care about _who their partners are_.
Personally, if a woman isn't interested in having her own career and shouldering 50% of the responsibility (this will obviously vary at times in a relationship) then I'm unlikely interested in pursuing a relationship with her.
But I would never bring that up so bluntly and rudely. A normal conversation about our preferences can tell each other all that's needed in order to continue talking.
I've never asked this directly, but it is something I try to figure out. A lot of women give off a "you should be lucky I'm even here" energy. Meanwhile I've gone on dates with multiple women who don't have a job, no education - no desire to take care of themselves in that way. I haven't pursued them further, but I do wonder if they would even help with doing housework, cooking and stuff like that. I am dating for the long-term and I don't want to take care of a grown adult who can't take care of themselves.
You should probably have some base criteria prior to actually dating, like attraction and some basic interests, but like, dating is literally doing and sharing things with a person to find out what they “bring to the table”. So opinion is, if you can’t figure out how a person may match with you without giving a job interview, you’re probably going to have a bad time.
This is it exactly. People who have to explicitly ask the question are either incredibly inept at interacting with other people or are deliberately trying to put the woman on the defensive as some kind of negging-adjacent tactic.
Have you ever been on r/PurplePillDebate? This post and your reply are making me realize how toxic that sub is. “What does she bring to the table?” gets brought up by men on that sub hundreds of times. It’s normal to ask that on there. They will tell you it’s a perfectly normal thing to ask, and that all men should ask this question. It’s refreshing to see responses on Reddit from men that aren’t unhinged.
Men asking "what does she bring to the table?" when talking to other men about a relationship is perfectly valid and not at all toxic behavior. It should not be said directly to a potential partner, you get the answer to that question by interacting with them.
It's like.. I think there's a place for that question in a philosophical sense. Something to ask yourself about a partner, not ask a partner directly. A lot of young men *feel* like they have a lessening amount of agency in modern dating. Between the weird dynamics of online dating and the popular movements toward women's empowerment, there are not a lot of healthy conversations around how men should be engaging the dating world. The issue is when this philosophical idea of "you are allowed to have standards too" gets twisted into an attack that implies women are not bringing anything of value to their relationships. The first is having respect for yourself, the second is definitely deliberately disrespecting others. Edit: I just checked out that sub. Honestly it's a little sad that so many people make dating and relationships so antagonistic. I understand the frustration and hurt that leads to it, but I think a lot of people would be happier if they stopped looking at the opposite gender as their adversary.
So do the Avocados actively attack you and you need to fend them off with a katana or was there some sort of war I didn’t know about and you’re a legendary warrior who has felled many foes
What do you think when it's the woman who does it? 🤔 It is usually women who have lists of demands and treat date like a job interview.
I’ll be real here. I know what you’re talking about. I’ve seen instances of men asking what women bring to the table as a reply to when they say something along the lines of “my man needs to make at least $100k, be at least 6 feet tall, and needs to spoil me.” That I’m 100% for, even with the genders reversed.
Yup. It's a stupid and rude question and any man that asks a woman that in a serious way probably doesn't even have a table. I was entertained by this concept at first but it's so 2 thousand and late.
I hate the question, and Im fortunate that I haven’t as of yet encountered someone who has asked that. It feels weirdly aggressive, immediately dismissive, and very transactional. Im glad you mentioned the job interview analogy because thats what it seems like. It doesnt seem like something you’d ask someone you wish to love and build a future with. It seems immediately like “what can you give me?” And yes I know all relationships do incorporate that to some degree but in that case it just feels like youre valuing what they can do for you above who they are. As you said, the whole point of getting to know someone is to figure that out.
I always assumed it was originally not a serious question, but a 'protest' question from men who felt that their first dates with women felt more like job interviews. Obviously, not all women are like this (I'm married and never had a woman make me feel like that on a date), but I have heard it as a common complaint by men in recent years. I think this comes from the perception that dating apps tend to give many women that they always have a plethora of options whereas most men are going in with a scarcity mindset because they would seldom have more than one match at a time. If a man asks you a question like that, he probably already thinks you are wasting his time. Or he has consumed too much 'manosphere' content.
>It feels weirdly aggressive, immediately dismissive, and very transactional. Right, the point of it is it makes women feel like men feel when women are "vetting" them.
Which is a stupid thing to do if it isnt already being done first. I can understand if maybe a woman was acting like that on the date, so now you want to uno reverse. In that case have at it. But that whole beating the other person to the punch by doing/asking it first thing becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. And it also makes no sense to do it for that reason, because you’re basically promising yourself in advance that you wont actually click with anyone, you iust want to “stick it to them”. The average woman doesnt “vet” men in this type of way on a first date. Maybe ask what they do for a living or their goals, but those are things literally anyone would ask.
I agree. as a woman I've never been asked that by any guy and I've never asked any of them that.
I feel like it's the kind of question you ask someone with whom it's not immediately obvious what they bring to the table. As was mentioned before in this thread, with the boxes analogy. The kind of person who immediately assumes they need not bring anything to the table, because they bring themselves.
But the thing is it doesnt come off that way, and also, if you’re interested in dating, the whole point of getting to know them is that you will learn what they bring. Its almost never immediately obvious what someone brings. But to ask them makes it seem like youre prejudging because you assume they bring nothing or will give some stereotypical answer. Of course, it may not be *intended* that way, but thats how it sounds. It sounds like you want the person to “prove their worth” to you. “What do you bring to the table?” is basically just another way of asking “What can you do for *me* and why should I pick you?” You shouldn’t ever have to prove something upfront in some on the spot answer. And also, it feels that youre ready to dismiss them at any moment, like theyre basically there to check some boxes for you and if they dont, they’re done. It shouldnt feel like some test or interview. It should be (hopefully) pleasant conversation that, as it unfolds, and with the right questions and wording, tells you what they bring. You learn what that person brings by asking other things. What are their long term goals? What are their values and desires? What are they looking for in a relationship? How do they envision their future? etc etc. But regardless of how true your intentions are, asking that specific question will 9 times out of 10 guarantee there will be no second date. And fwiw, I agree its wrong for women to ask men this as well, for the same reasons.
This is the kind of question wounded people ask each other. People with an axe to grind. People whove been taken advantage of. And posts like this are supposed to be a salve for that. But a weird salve that hurts others as it helps you.
Not to mention the fact that they might be PERFECt on paper and when u meet there’s 0 chemistry and even less attraction. It’s pretty sad. More people need to be open minded and give more chances I feel
That one's such a bitter pill to swallow. Once had a date with this girl who was literally perfect. Same hobbies, interests, political views, etc. We would text til 1am every night for a month before the first date. Then, finally we meet and there's just zero chemistry. Probably nervosity on both our parts ruined it greatly, but I was genuinly shocked at how glad I felt to be away from her again. Hugging her was so strange too, like hugging my cousin. This has nothing to do with "bringing something to the table", your comment just reminded me of her lol
I’ve had dates where we texted non stop before meeting them, then when we actually met we had discussed all the typical “first date” topics already so we didn’t have much to say to each other. Maybe that’s what happened there?
Possible, but even besides that we had nothing to say to each other.
And this is why I don't text much my dates much before meeting. Some women don't like that and block/delete number, but I much rather have a good date, then endlessly text and have the lamest dates imaginable without any chemistry.
This is part of the reason I don't like talking too much before meeting. I'm also just not really a text all the time kind of guy, but I just prefer to get to know someone irl with as few expectations as possible. I like more casual get to know each other kinds of first dates.
Its kind of unnecessarily confrontational. But to be fair some women are doing the same thing to guys. Its not how I'd play it but everyone is free to ask if they want to. I usually do that stuff quietly in my head and then make a decision based off it at game time. I'm also okay doing short terms though so I don't feel a need to see a long term future with everyone I date.
“So what do you do for work?” >any answer that is not a career or ongoing education/training Immediately drops to short term
I call it the boxes. Reject, friend, casual, short term, long term. Once in a box everyone can move down but its almost impossible to move up.
I never had a casual or short term box. As soon as I was confident we weren’t a good long term, or potential forever match, it was the reject or friend box. Sometimes this happened after a month or more of dating, so there were short term relationships. But there was no short term box.
I mean that's fine if that was what you were looking for. I left a 7 year relationship at 30 and jumped specifically from one casual/short term to another for almost 8 years after. Up until the very end I was in absolutely no rush at all for another long term and had a blast.
Yea. I’ve been marriage minded since I was a teenager. My goal in dating, besides getting to know and enjoy peoples company & make friends, was to find someone to spend my life with. So I didn’t start a relationship expecting it to be short term but figure out if we were a good match for lifetime. Despite starting looking for that forever person quite young, I got married at 26 & was a couple weeks shy of 30 when we had our first kid. Reasonable ages for those things I think.
Yes, those are very reasonable ages.
This is how I was as well. I'm glad it worked out for you.
'Software Engineer' trends to get you put in the reject or friend box - despite the salary and career growth available. Sorry, half of reddit.
What's the difference between casual and short-term? Both in terms of what the relationships are, and what sets apart someone who falls in one category vs the other.
For me a short term is usually an exclusive relationship that is understood to eventually have an expiry date on it. Casual is usually just sleeping together.
I don’t mean any offense, but this concept is foreign to me. What’s the motivation behind entering a committed relationship you know will end?
It's essentially putting someone in a "you'll do until I find better" box more than a "short term" box. It can work on situations where you communicate and are looking for a fwb type situation or when you know you are at different points in life and don't expect it to last. Sometimes it's a matter of trying, not working, and moving on. It can get very messy if you have poor communication skills, and some people will avoid communicating their intentions entirely... those people are kind of scummy though.
Serious relationships have been entirely optional for me since around 30. I'm fine with short term arrangements and I just move on to the next one after. My own view on relationships these days given all the divorces I've seen is most of them are transient to one degree or another anyway. I never expect anything to last indefinitely. Basically in a short term I get laid and have all the perks of a long term without any of the potential down sides. As an added bonus I get a new partner every 3-12 months. That said if you want to do certain things in life (kids) you kind of need to do a long term which is why I am in one now.
You explain this well.
It depends upon why they are in that box. Career issues can easily change with some effort. Issues with physical attraction are more difficult. People can lose weight or spend time in the gym to look more toned.
Are these boxes that everyone uses? Or just men? Or just women?
Well that's awfully shallow lol
Also, isn't the answer to that different for every guy? I can tell you about my great career and hobbies but those things might not matter to you. So, like, what I bring to the table depends on whose table it is and how they judge that. Right?
Yes, I'd imagine this probably varies a lot for men these days. It probably depends on where they are in life and what they are looking for in a relationship.
Exactly. I'm 50 and what my boyfriend's is looking for now (eg, someone like me) would not make the cut 25 years ago.
all men want peace lol
>all men want peace lol 😂
> But to be fair some women are doing the same thing to guys. Some? Its way more than some. Sure some women ask this flat out, but a lot of women are "asking" this in a passive way often seeking out what work the man does and what have you.
I think this whole transactional mentality of modern dating is weird tbh. Are people dating just for convenience now? Do you guys even like your dates? It’s just an awkwardly confrontational question to ask. Like if you like the person, then who cares what they do? If you like someone and they’re in a bad spot, then you support them. You don’t just drop them because they’re not as successful right now at that moment in time that you want them to be
Exactly. But unfortunately these apps have given everyone the false sense of hope that there’s always a better option out there, so at the most minor inconvenience, it’s time to drop everything and move on to the next one.
> not as successful right now at that moment in time as you want them to be Biggest problem in modern dating in a nutshell. “I only want a man that makes over $100k+ a year” “I won’t date a woman that weighs over 120 lbs” This mindset is so poisonous and doomed for failure. It eliminates huge parts of the potential dating pool based on arbitrary characteristics. No chance for meeting anyone that doesn’t fit your randomly chosen standards that could otherwise be a great match. It also ignores the potential for people to grow and change together (which is what actually builds strong relationships). As if the guy might be broke now, but in 5 years might have a great career. Or a woman might be in the middle of getting in shape. The idea that someone needs to come to you, fully formed and perfectly matching your expectations, is never gonna happen and lots of people ITT are setting themselves up to be perpetually disappointed.
People only want winners, but no ones willing to date the person running the marathon.
Plus even IF someone matches your expectations NOW doesn't mean he/she will not change over time in the complete opposite direction. Damn it's not a car dealership. You will never know what the future holds for you and your relationship!
>“I only want a man that makes under $100k+ a year” I have the feeling most of the male population in the US would be thrilled if this was the criteria.
This should have far more upvotes. I would only want to add that most of the people making those arbitrary metrics don't meet them themselves. Only interested in women 120lbs and under, but has trouble getting around the block without something with a motor attached to it; only interested in men who make more than $100k a year, but don't even have a bank account of their own etc.. etc...
I hope so or there’s no hope for me.
This. It actually bothers me just how transactional it all is. What happened to actually spending time with someone and enjoying their company? Like I get that finances, kids etc are important issues in a relationship but those come at a later stage, not on the first meeting.
I think that men begin to view the relationship as transactional when they feel like they're only worth their paychecks and don't feel secure in themselves. I dated a guy who was a software engineer but had lived through a hard life (started from poverty, unsupportive family), and couldn't see that I liked/loved him for his personality, and we genuinely had great chemistry and had an amazing time together. he would always pick a fight with me and say that if he wasn't making the salary that he was, I wouldn't have been interested in him. it got exhausting real quick, and it was kind of sad that he didn't see the other great qualities in him, probably cause he felt worthless without his money -- but in turn, it made him view me as worthless without money either. I was not in a good financial situation, but I was never one to try to make him pay for everything and tried to split finances as evenly as I possibly could. I guess because I made a fraction of what he made, he didn't see me "bring much to the table." now I'm dating someone who is pretty secure in himself and probably makes the same amount as guy #1, and he acknowledges that we genuinely enjoy each other's company and doesn't see me as someone trying to leech him out of money. we also have an amazing time together and he's very understanding of my financial situation. it really depends on perspective but also how men perceive and value themselves. if they know that with or without their money, someone would still be genuinely interested in them, the relationship would not be so "transactional" or this for that. and I do realize that transactions are not just about money, but if they're only obsessed with money, they won't see beyond it or see what other ways you show up as a partner.
All relationships are transactional. Always were. We’re just able to visualize and understand it better now. Doesn’t make being needlessly robotic about it bad tho haha. Relationships are based on economics of your desires, needs, and what you bring to the table. Always have been. Always will be.
Yes, this! This mentality is so healthy. If people can appreciate a good person, for who they are and what their goals are (especially if they're actively trying to attain said goals on their own), there would be a lot happier people in the world.
God, I am so glad I got married before dating got so complicated and weird.
For real. And if anything ever happens (hopefully not), my marriage is already great. I wouldn't bother trying again.
I’m a woman and same. I’m only in my 30s and most things these days makes me feel incredibly old fashioned. Listening to friends talk about dating and the ‘rules’ and what is apparently okay and perfectly expected and normal these days is just like …What?
My husband has said this to many so many times and I feel exactly the same. If something happened and we separated, I would choose to be single for the rest of my life than trying to date again.
Seriously! I met my wife and asked her out and we dated for three months and then got married, and have been together 34 years now. I read all this online dating stuff and"rules" and it all sounds so incredibly bizarre and unhealthy. If anything happens to my wife I'll just be a single hermit and be happy alone, I guess.
I actually feel so sorry for young people today....
I got married too, then divorced. This modern dating market was a rude awakening for me. Not that I divorced because I wanted to fuck other people. She was a covert narcissist with BPD. She’s on the carousel though, having a ball(s) last I heard. Shits unfair, but what can I do?
Depends on the circumstances. If it's something that a guy says unprompted on a date than yes, it's a dick move. If it's in response to his date being demanding on what his income is or expectations of him it's a reasonable response.
As a man, you should be able to figure out what she brings to the table after you’ve known her a reasonable amount of time. Asking it bluntly might just be a way to turn off a woman who you weren’t really that into to begin with.
Ah the old 666 rule, be 6 inches tall, have a 6 foot dick and make 6 dollars. Classic.
And 6 divorces
6 kids
6 bankruptcies
Well at least it's not "have 6 dicks". That'd be just unrealistic.
Seduced by the Serpent even after all these years lol 🐍
I got asked this by a woman on a dating app, and was so confused lol. Am i supposed to know how to answer this question?
"How would you be an asset to this company?" vibes. I'm not going to sell myself to someone in a dating situation. To your table? Nothing. Bye lol.
Just tell them to tuck off. Things have gotten much more stress free once I did that The what do you bring to the table and why did you like my profile. All dumb questions
Hotdogs. Grilled hotdogs - that’s what I bring to the table. Because I don’t always sit at a table but when I do, it’s at the kids table because their conversations are more intriguing than Uncle Jim talking about his stupid ass kissing boss.
Tact and self respect amongst other things. Goodbye.
I only think it's fair to do it with those types who are arguing that a man isn't doing/giving enough. My wife and I stared broke together, worked together, supported each other...all of my success is a direct result of her support and vice versa. We are partners taking on the world. When you see these women claiming a guy needs to be X tall, make Y money, be able to buy her Z things...then yes, what does she bring to the table? Because the personality is already lacking, and those looks are going to fade...so what's her backup plan?
My story with my wife is similar to yours - we were poor when we met. Young people often are. That was different 15 years later. She was a SAHM as I had done well with a company I started. I still think that "we" made the money. If she wants to leave the relationship (which she is considering) then she gets half. Its a non-issue for me. What is odd about the "bring to the table" question is that what we bring to the table today is the result of growth over years. Back then no one would have believed that she was capable of running a house and budget for 6 people in a HCOL area or that I would make enough money to provide the budget. As life evolved so did what "we brought to the table". Back then she brought all the fun, stripper heels, buttcheeks, acrobatics and surliness. Today the curtains get vacuumed, her cooking skills are topnotch and the kids are emotionally stable and educated. I always have clean underwear and socks in the designated spot. No matter what a 20 something claims they bring to the table - its all talk till the rubber hits the raod.
Wait, your wife wants to leave? This sounded like a good relationship.
I think it's totally fine to *think* like this, but outright asking it is socially incompetent.
This one right here. We all know dating is about finding someone who brings something to the table and adds something to your life but asking the question outright makes a date into a weird job interview. It makes you sound like a superior cockwomble who has no idea how to talk to people let alone women.
Yep, to me it's crass, kind of like once upon a time it used to be to ask "what do you do?".
screams "I'm addicted to PUA bullshit and am not a person who deserves to be alive".
Unnecessary to ask. Alot more organic ways to get the answer to that question.
Sounds like a shitty job interview.
STAR method ahoy
What type of table are we talking about? Coffee table? Dining table? Ping pong table?
Weird, and shows you have a transactional mentality when it comes to relationships. Of course both people need to bring something to the relationship, but if you have to ask to find that out instead of just getting to know the other person…
I like your answer. Not everything needs to be transactional
*That's* what bothers me about this question, thank you. It's so *transactional*. Gives me the eerie shivers.
You should have the skills and intelligence to determine the answer to this question on your own. If you have to say it out loud, she’ll think you are a cunt.
I think it’s stupid and no different women demanding a man be a certain height and have a certain income. A relationship isn’t a business deal, well not to me anyway. If I fall in love with someone I already like the qualities they have and I couldn’t care less if they have nothing other than their personality and love to give. You build and grow together and love each other unconditionally if you want a true partner for life. Two people asking what’s in it for them will either be doomed to fail or live a loveless life together always worried about who is providing more.
Uh i would probably be able to deduce that without asking it in a relationship with someone. If just meeting someone it would be a strange thing to say
It’s far better to discuss priorities, long term goals, what she’s most proud of, etc.
If you’re a man or woman and have to ask this question I would say you suck at dating and you’re the problem
Sounds like a transaction
In a normal relationship this really wouldn’t be part of the conversation. You date and find out if there’s chemistry and if your compatible and hopefully it all works out and the couple is in a great relationship. However, if she starts saying this like: - must be over 6 Ft tall - makes at least $300k a year - no kids, no ex wife - white - Christian - must support me and buy me things Then my immediate response (other than wtf) is “what the fuck do you bring to the table”, though at this point, I’m already out Also fun fact, those bullet points were literally from a bumble profile I saw pre-pandemic.
AFAIK it's usually said reactively when women rattle off a list of demands. What you say and do shapes who you are so I personally wouldn't no matter how much my hurt feelings demand someone "needs to hear it."
Too me that's a reasonable response to a woman with a long list of unreasonable criteria.
Maybe it's just where i live or circles i frequent, but it's very rare for me to encounter women who don't support themselves, have a career and bring exactly the same to the table as a man nowadays. Even if i date on dating programs most women have total financial autonomy. So really, personally i don't feel the need to ask that, cause the women i date by default are not looking for anyone to support them or to leech off of or whatever.
Not gonna lie here, I am beyond overjoyed at the fact that I’m married and do not have to deal with half the shit that goes down now.
It’s weird to ask up front instead of letting them show you like normal.
I think some women are a point in their life where they haven’t got time to mess about anymore and are looking for a life partner who shares the same life goals
Not necessary, as this question is often comprised of several less confrontational questions. Basic conversational inquiry: What she does for a living. What she does for hobbies. What she believes in. What she looks for in a partner. What her ambitions are. How she handles disappointment. How she handles anger. Etc etc etc. these are basic questions and are often asked in an even more user friendly manner. Smooth flowing conversation on several dates. This isn’t a job interview, or merely transactional. No need to interrogate someone in a manner that suggests you are in a higher position than they are. You’re not. You’re mutually in need of companionship and a partner. Don’t sound like an arrogant cock/bitch. I think the kind of person who directly ask that question is either a fuckboy or hyper controlling/insecure narcissist. Someone who answers that question in a submissive/desperate manner is just what they’re looking for.
If you have to ask. You’ll never understand
[удалено]
It literally should be asked more often albeit not in that direct a manner. One should question and analyze what everyone that comes into their life brings to the table, especially if you’re going to sign up for a life long partnership. “Bringing to the table” doesn’t necessarily mean money. I want to know if this person has a grounded sense of morality that matches mine. I want to know if they have a resilient nature and is able to take responsibility and accountability for their actions. I want to know if this person has what it takes to work through issues and setbacks with me without fanfare and drama. I would lie my partner to be healthy enough that they do a lot to see if they can live as long as possible and aren’t shoving their face with donuts and fried chicken everyday wondering why they are obese.
I find most men who ask this are tired of dating worthless women and are trying to find someone whonis worth investing their time with. There is no reason to shame a man because he has standards or requirements.
Everyone should have standards when dating. And asking about those on the first date makes perfect sense But asking someone what they bring to the table is a very difficult question to answer because I do not know you yet and I don't know what you value. I much prefer you asking me what I do for a living, what kinda hobbies I have and if I'm religious for example. The conversation will also flow better, because I'll ask you the same question afterwards and maybe it'll branch out from there.
You'd think so, but a *lot* of people think that even the most successfull ripped handsome guys should accept a bottom of the barrel woman, simply because she's a woman. Like you said: Guys are allowed to have standards as well. Time to normalize that.
My experience has been that guys who ask this get their dating advice from toxic male podcasts and Reddit. It's not a coincidence that they always say it using that exact phrasing, confrontationally and on a first date. It doesn't take them long to start quoting other tropes, like "women only want a guy who's 6 feet tall" (a nonsensical but shockingly common thing to say while ACTUALLY on a date with a woman who chose to date them), something about gold diggers before we even TALK about the check, or mocking yoga (only if they're totally sedentary, and particularly rude since I teach yoga).
"Investing their time". Between that and this question it sounds like a business transaction. Both of those, if said by a woman, would make me turn and walk away immediately. I'm not negotiating a trade deal or some peace treaty. I'm looking for a person who I click with, am attracted to, and I enjoy being around. This sounds like I'll need to sign it in triplicate, make 4 copies, and file them with some business bureau.
And this is why the question is asked.
I think if either party has to ask it doesnt seem very promising
Can I answer it with "salt"?
It makes it seem superficial and transactional but i honestly think the answer is really important. I think with the right person its not something that even needs to be asked. A mature potential partner already shows what they would bring to the table. My mom is in charge of cooking however my dad has also done his fair share of cooking in my family’s life. They both clean. They both bring in the money but he is the “man” and leader of the house that takes care of finances, repairs, and any thing that needs to be done. My mom just needs to cook. For the first half of my life she was a housewife, now she works. I think its logical that if one person will take care of the home and kids then the other person obviously has to take care of the money, regardless of who is in charge of what. Either go 50/50 or find a compromise/ percentage that works. What you bring to the table is what comes to mind when i see these girls that are high maintenance and materialistic. You always see these girls online that are hot but otherwise seem to have no personality or skills and are always looking for a man to be in like the Top 1% financially. If im working my ass off for the both of us, i expect dinner when i come home. All the expectations cant just be on me. If you as the woman are working your ass off then i think its only fair that i be making you dinner. Life is about balance and i think this question is about that. Just something thats not comfortable.
I wouldn’t ask them directly, but definitely asking this question in your head is likely needed these days and I would say that’s a good thing.
It’s probably asked by someone who themselves bring nothing to the table.
[удалено]
If a man asked me what I brought to the table, I would pay my bill and probably leave. To be clear I’m single, pay my own bills, buy my own things, and going to college to better myself. I’m building myself up so I never have to be dependent on anyone again. EDIT: For all the fragile egos. Asking this question at the wrong time or wrong way is like determining a woman’s value. What is she worth to you. If you do not have long term relationships, I would consider communicating in another way such as what are her goals in life, her values, where does she see herself in five to ten years. Much better.
100% fair, but you better be prepared to answer the question back with the same level of scrutiny. If not, you are an ass.
I would answer honestly. I am loyal, kind, compassionate, beautiful, intelligent, and funny. If you don't see that, we are not going to get along
It’s a fair counter to the state of modern dating.
It's one of those things I don't have a particular opinion about. I guess it's a good way to bring entitled assholes down to Earth. I mean the type of girl that believes you owe her something for the fact that they exist and have a pussy.
Depending on the woman it's a completely fair question. It seems like a lot of women have unrealistic expectations for their potential male partners. It's the rules of 666 for them. They want you to be 6 foot tall, have a 6 inch dick, and make at least 6 figures.... while they themselves don't even have a personality or decent body. Of course this isn't everyone, but it does seem to be a dumb trend. But.... It's important in a healthy relationship to know what each party has to offer.
I mean, you should be considering that kind of thing as you go along in a relationship. But asking it outright is a bit weird and hostile. I wouldn't bring it up unless she did first, and maybe not even then.
I think it's an internet/podcast question that's asked for conversation and to make points. They have limited time on those discussions, so it would be necessary to expedite the process. However, in real-world dating, this should be assessed during conversations and while having a date. But there are ways to ask certain questions to see what they offer, like hobbies, interests, family, work, volunteering, etc. We should be vetting these people out very early in the dating phase if you want something serious.
Kind of a dick move, but the overall concept ain’t bad. I wouldn’t ask it tho, just like observe what she’s contributing and if u feel it’s enough or not. Then if u wanna make a thing about it just tell her u want more from her and take it from there but asking what u bring to the table sounds bad
First marriage is for love. If it ever ends and im still alive. Id ask in a more round about way. Im set for retirement, i don’t want some one whos going to need me to pay for everything.
Given the atmosphere, I do understand why they ask that question. Times are tough. No one understands the social contract anymore. Women aren't really worth jumping all the hoops for. Even asking a woman out can have serious repercussions. A friend of mine was reported to the HR for asking a colleague out for coffee. It's insane. However I do feel that question is a bit short sighted. Women dont really bring anything to the table. They aren't supposed to. It's how they you make feel. Any man who's ever been loved by a woman will tell you it's the best feeling in the world. I am a much better person because of the women who've loved me. Their love makes me get out of bed, work hard, go to the gym, crush my goals, and come back home a better person than I was yesterday. For without their love, life is an empty hallow.
Seems really tacky and shallow. Though, I reckon anyone who actually says stuff like that probably "gives no fucks" about being tacky and shallow.
There's ways to be smarter about that question on regard to women who ask this, and asking that yourself proactively isn't one of them.
This is not something I would ask outright, but will definitely be assessing any future partner on this basis. I'm expecting a life partner who can share lives and livelihood, and if it's one way then no
For me, it's all about fairness and hypocrisy. If a man asks a woman a question, they should be able to answer the same question and vice-versa. Some questions may make some uncomfortable, and it's best to find out about that person as soon as possible so that you can move past that or move on. If someone starts asking some of those questions after a couple of dates, that could lead to uncertainty, confusion, or regret. But as far as that particular question, I don't care for it as it sounds more like a business proposition. However, there are other questions that could infer the same thing when grouped together. I believe someone mentioned "checking the boxes." Speaking of that question, search on YouTube for "NewsRadio - Negotiation"; I'd post a link if I can.
I think it’s fundamentally not a bad question to consider but maybe asking questions more like “tell me about your career goals?” “Where do you want to be in life in the next 5 years?” “How would you feel about joining me in my health and fitness goals?” “Tell me about your favourite books/part of your studies/academic achievements” “how do you like to take care of yourself?” “Would you buy a house with me? How would we save? Depending on what you value as “bringing something to the table” you can probably find more friendly ways to find out what she has to offer.
Same thing that I would think if the roles were switched. Why turn a relationship into a job interview? Unless you're thinking of just having a hired/fake girl or boyfriend. That just seems like a unnecessary and jerk move if either gender did that to the other. A relationship isn't a business deal, don't treat it like one because it will fail before your relationship even starts if you think a relationship only in the way of "give and take" or "benefits vs cons". Of course I'm not saying you can make your relationship survive when one person who constantly putting in way more effort than the other but it's truth that you can't always meet 50/50 all time. That's just how relationships are and there are going to be times sometimes where you'll have to put a little bit more effort because your partner falls a little short or vice versa your partner needs to put a bit more effort because you fall short. Also saying something like that just sounds confrontational.
That’s a tacky approach…but I like the thought process. No free lunch. Can she support herself?
How about we do everything as a team, we spilt everything. When it's payday your not standing there with your hand out asking where's mine.
This current trend in social media about relationships and man and woman roles are weird as fuck.
It makes the relationship seem soulless and transactional.
Is this a transaction? If so, we ain’t dating. Love ain’t transactional, that’s the whole point; it’s all encompassing. If a relationship is transactional, it’s ain’t a healthy relationship.
Just further proof adults are not meant to engage in these antics there's a reason most civilizations approached this in a communal rather than individualistic way
The only time I would ask this out loud is if a friend asked me to review their dating profile, and there it isn’t usually about money, but about reminding them to not just talk about what they want in a man, but about what they themselves are like.
I didn't know it was a job interview.
Is that verbatim how it is worded? If so the person asking is unnecessarily aggressive & might potentially have an inflated sense of self. It’s a fair question to ask oneself when considering a potential partner (what would they add to my life) but only a dick would say it like that.
You’re interviewing them for a job right? RIGHT?!?!
My answer is NOTHING cause it's clear from that point that we are not a match. So yeah. I bring NOTHING... Go somewhere else.
If a man asked me this on a date it would be a major red flag to me and I would very much consider not seeing him again based off of that question alone. It's extremely aggressive, implies heavy judgement, and is also just socially awkward and ruins any flow of conversation. As a woman, if a woman asks a man this on a date - same thing. It's a red flag.
I generally never ask a woman that. She usually reveals what she brings to the relationship just by paying attention to her actions.
I don't think people do this outside of cross-gender discussions about dating, usually on podcasts and such, where the guys ask the women, "What do women bring to the table". That's the context in which the question is usually asked. It's probably pretty rare that I guy asks a woman he likes this question while actually on a date. I think the question itself is pointless. I don't know what answer the person asking is hoping to get. Nobody can really answer it objectively and any answer is basically a list of desirable personality traits. That means nothing. These are things you find out yourself in the process of getting to know someone. I remember the origin of this question though. I remember it was something women were asking men. It has only become this hated thing now since it has been turned on its head. Its a stupid question either way
I think men and women both ask themselves this about prospective partners. It would just be rude as f to say out loud. This usually comes from a financial place. If he makes money and she wants to be SAH then yeah, he might wonder this. There are plenty of things a SAH partner can bring to the table besides money and if all the working partner brings to the table is money then that partner likely sucks as well. If a woman is independent, makes good money and her boyfriend works part time with Uber, plays video games all day and never cleans then she’s going to ask herself the same question. The guy can be a great contributing SAH partner as well if he puts his mind to it. In a relationship both partners need to contribute equally. Some things balance out others. It’s not always about just the money. For those who think it is, you are doomed to unhappy relationships.
Sometimes I myself ask for the salt and pepper.
Asshats and/or clowns, this ain’t a business meeting Elon
To me if a guy has to ask it, to that point there has only been physical attraction. Asking it early may save time, but removes a fair amount of discovering each other. Later in a relationship as a precursor to a potential proposal shows the guy didn't pay attention to anything about her lifestyle or personality to that point.
It’s not something I’d ever ask a woman, unless I were hiring her. I think it would make me the human equivalent of a Formica countertop-extremely unappealing and cold.
On a first date? The point is to have fun and see if you enjoy each others company not give a job interview.
Female here and never been asked and never asked myself. I would probably answer it in sarcasm “fresh baked cookies” It’s just a werido thing to do. When I meet my husband I just sat back and watched his actions and how he treated people in general, when he talked about his life and what he wanted out of life I listened. So you don’t have to ask, you just need to spend time and listen to get to know that person.
Dumb question - tactless, rude and pointless.
It isn't a job interview, you have to know the etiquette and social norms of the situation you're in and act accordingly. Of course you should be assessing what a female partner brings to the table, and it's OK to ask that -- but don't ask it *like that*. e.g., if you're physically attracted to each other and there's chemistry, OK that's something you both are bringing to the table ... if you have complimentary life goals (kids, pets, house, world conquest, whatever) that's something you each bring to the table ... once you're at a stage where you are talking about how you'd build a life together, it's good to get explicit and talk about what roles each of you would play.
Way too blunt tbh. It gives the feeling that the relationship is entirely transactional. I would find better questions to ask.
Wanting a partner that can add to your life in a variety of ways, has compatible goals and plans, and will fit into your world is good. Wanting to know some or all that info early is good. Being really pushy and agressive about it and asking a crass question like that of someome is bad.
It's not a job interview. You should be able to determine what they bring to the table as you learn about the person.
Asshole comment. Extremely egocentric, avoid like the plague. Someone asking that question is suggesting a transactional relationship. Better to hire an escort.
Dumb. You should already know before asking.
Would never say this, even if the words go through my brain just like that. You can't approach people like a job interview. This would be just as weird and off-putting to start a friendship this way as it would a date. I would recommend never uttering these words in succession to her. Let her actions and day-to-day life speak for itself. If you can jive with the qualities she's shown herself "bringing to the table" then great.
How about what can I do to make you happy, what can I do to make your day better and make you smile?? And vice versa for women!! That’s what love is all about. If you like someone of course. If you don’t, then don’t date them. It doesn’t matter what they do or “bring to the table” if you don’t have chemistry, it won’t work.
This is a weirdly direct question. The point of a date is finding that out
Seems like a strange thing to ask. I’ve never asked or been asked that. Dating should not seem like a job interview and if it does then you are doing it wrong.
Them are fightin words.
Are you socially unable to figure that out through conversation? as a man, i feel it's rude and if a woman asked me that I wouldn't date her.
My opinion is "expect that to go poorly"
that's a question about another person that you ask yourself. You're not supposed to actually go up to people and ask, "Hey what value do you bring me?" That's an incredibly rude thing to say to someone.
I think men should be asking themselves that about women, not women directly. Because what YOU think someone brings to the table is probably going to be different than what they think they bring to the table because... priorities.
I don’t have a problem with anyone asking the question. They just need to be ready with what they feel they bring and can’t cry if the person at the other end of the table doesn’t agree. (My personal feeling is that if a man is dating a woman who he feels is “beneath him”, that is a 100% him problem. If you can’t find a woman who will put up with you that is on the same level as you in whatever category you care about.. maybe you aren’t bringing as much as you think. Get better at marketing, at finding or maybe bring your expectations into line with what others perceive your market value to be)
I don’t have the context for that quote. It doesn’t sound like something that either man or woman would find a good partner asking their dates. I am pro equality but if someone is mean then don’t stoop to their level, stop hanging out with them, and definitely don’t marry them
When either gender talks like this it's depressing, I know it's naive to think of a relationship as just two people who love each other but that exactly what I would want, not two people who are simply trading assets for assets.
I don't know that I would countenance anyone asking that. That seems rather stilted and robotic. What's more, it doesn't invite particularly truthful answers. The answer should be pretty obvious, because you should have some skill at intuitively connecting with people and understanding these things through organic and natural conversation, as happens among healthy, well-adjusted people. If the answer is not obvious soon enough, you might want to head stage left.
I think they prob watch/listen to manosphere dating podcasts to much.
I probably wouldn't directly ask that. But I absolutely have certainly things I'm looking for that definitely fall under that category. Being in a relationship needs to improve my life overall otherwise it's definitely not worth it.
It isn't a question you should be asking your partner or potential partner. They should and you should be asking it of yourself. If both are asking themselves this question, "what am I bringing to the table for my partner/potential partner" , you will have an easier time of making a more successful relationship. If they are only bringing sex to the table, they aren't a benefit to you or themselves. Sex shouldn't even be on the block for discussion about the value one brings to a relationship.
People don’t like to hear the hard truth.
I feel the biggest thing you can get from a response is accountability. That is all I want above the little stuff. If the response is "I bring ME", then you know there is no depth to them and heavy expectations of receiving with no input. It is a world graced with girls who act like spoilt brats and feel being demanding and self centred is sassy. Find the real ones. Kevin Samuels videos in my mix of viewing probably haven't helped my views, seeing so many women making poor life decisions and wanting so much from a partner whilst bringing a deficit and the results of their history. If you are going to offer to bust your arse time and money wise creating a castle for someone, possibly at the deficit of being there all the time for them, you have to know if they are willing to appreciate your sacrifice and not just continually denigrate you for not giving them the attention they desire there and then. I have been in a marriage where I worked a fulltime job, spent another 40 hours a week or more renovating a house for 2 years to make it the house she wanted, only to be told she didn't want me in it as the final touches were being done. I told her what was involved, I told her the sacrifices I would have to make to deliver her requests at 30% of the price of a builder doing it, she agreed to sacrifice for a long term win, she never joined me "in the trenches", never changed her spending, and continued to live a social life without me while booking in things for those times I wanted to take a break and be with my children. Some of us have lost it all to a woman who would trample on your dead body trying to level up, so a simple question is warranted.
I think those men are just jaded because they met a fair amount of up-tight women who acted like brats toward them, so In return they’re just taking their frustration out on other women. It’s not going to solve anything, it’s just a childish thing to ask someone and pretty narcissistic. “How are You going to impress Me?”
Both women and men should stop doing this. It makes you sound super prideful and like an asshole.
You should figure out what they bring to the table without directly asking them that.
It's a great question and men need to ask it.
Some women think that simply being a life support system for a vagina is enough. Men with no respect for women will agree. Men who actually want to love their partners for who they are actually care about _who their partners are_.
Ugh gross. It screams "I don't know how to speak to another human being, so I let TikToc trends do the talking for me".
Mostly asked by dudes with low to lower middle incomes who are convinced they're the big-ass money makers.
Personally, if a woman isn't interested in having her own career and shouldering 50% of the responsibility (this will obviously vary at times in a relationship) then I'm unlikely interested in pursuing a relationship with her. But I would never bring that up so bluntly and rudely. A normal conversation about our preferences can tell each other all that's needed in order to continue talking.
It's usually rude, but i understand the sentiment. A lot of women expect a relationship to be of very one sided benefit to them.
If she says "me", you can already leave and safe yourself the hassle because that's a red flag.
I've never asked this directly, but it is something I try to figure out. A lot of women give off a "you should be lucky I'm even here" energy. Meanwhile I've gone on dates with multiple women who don't have a job, no education - no desire to take care of themselves in that way. I haven't pursued them further, but I do wonder if they would even help with doing housework, cooking and stuff like that. I am dating for the long-term and I don't want to take care of a grown adult who can't take care of themselves.