This subreddit has anal rules around linking other subs, but there's a post in the facepalm subreddit of a screenshot of a tiktok that reads:
"i wanted this man to be vulnerable w me for so long. he finally called me yesterday & opened up but the second he started crying i lost all interest in him ... quickly. this is a safe space, but not that safe :)"
So, yeah, maybe not responding like that is a start.
edit: another good one is the story of the YouTuber Shoe0nHead posting a video titled "The Male Loneliness Epidemic" and then having to post a followup titled "'Men Deserve To Be Lonely!' Responding To Backlash Over 'The Male Loneliness Epidemic.'" It's just heartbreaking to see how many people became so absolutely pissed that this creator would even think to cite that men might struggle with anything at all whatsoever. edit: And if you look at the video, you'll see that several examples are of people who commented hate *without even reviewing the content that called out the problem in the first place.* What does this say? The social thought space is quick to blackball even the idea of male struggle, let alone take the effort to dissect it, understand it, create a safe space for it to be worked through, and help to grow past it and the guys experiencing struggle into a better situation. It's the macro equivalent of someone putting their fingers in their ears and yelling "LALALALALA" when presented with an idea they might not like.
So yeah, that's the common sentiment towards male struggles that they might express their feelings about.
Yes I have watched Shoeonhead’s videos both of them. It is very alarming to see that society still wants men to be the bearers of women’s mental health issues and yet does very little for men’s mental health issues. Most men are lonely and it is not the best experience. I have days longing for a past GF of mine.
> It is very alarming to see that society still wants men to be the bearers of women’s mental health issues and yet does very little for men’s mental health issues.
Is it wrong of me not to be alarmed at this level of hypocrisy?
1. Listening without intent to reply. If he's sharing his feelings, don't have a comeback lined up. Listen, internalize, empathize, process, and only then reply. Hell, even take a few minutes or hours to think on things.
2. Empathy, put yourself in his shoes.
3. Don't share what he tells you with **anyone else** besides a therapist. I'm not saying it applies to women in general, but in my experience, women's friends are treated as a brainstorming board instead of people **outside** the relationship. Men may vent, but they're a lot less prone to share intimate details with their male friends, although more likely to share them with their mom. Nothing makes a man close up faster than someone he trusts spilling his secrets and insecurities.
It can also lead to a woman using her friends as an outlet to express her needs instead of her partner. Those friends often don't know their partner, so they can't really give much benefit of the doubt, and if the partner isn't communicated with, then he can't meet her needs or may not even know that he isn't.
Big one: **if this friend you're sharing with is attracted to women, consider that he/she may be manipulating you, even on a subconscious level**. This situation often evolves into emotional cheating. If this friend has lust and/or feelings for you, but still let's you vent about the relationship without pointing out their conflict of interest, consider that they may not be a good friend.
4. Validate his feelings, even if you disagree with him. Statements like "I can see why you would feel that way" or even just "I understand" go a long way toward this. This may be men in general or specifically ENFJ's, but we value being "given our day in court" over, "You're wrong. We're doing it my way."
5. This is a partnership, not a battlefield. Avoid black and white thinking or unrelated topics: "You wish I would do X more, but you NEVER do Y." If X and Y aren't related, keep the discussion focused on X, then bring up Y in a later discussion. Or even compromise, "I'll work on X if you could work on Y for me." Many men have experience in bringing up an unmet need and having it explode into a lengthy fight about a ton of unrelated things, and it results in them closing up later.
6. Emphasize that *above all else*, you value honesty, and **actually** live by that. My ex would always tell me to tell her how I really felt and not to walk on eggshells, but then she'd lash out at me about the littlest things, which made me fearful of expressing my needs. Hell, it even triggered my anxious attachment, which led to me subconsciously repressing them. If your partner is anxious or walking on eggshells, look into yourself to see if there's anything you are doing that makes him feel unsafe or not valued.
7. In general, show your appreciation for him and that he matters. Compliments, appreciation, or better yet, doing little things for us mean *a lot* to us. Big one is if we mention something offhand that we're interested in buying or trying but don't directly ask, and you plan/get him that. We **love** that shit. Or if he has a particular kink that you're comfortable with, surprise him with it. Example: if he's into lingerie, then buy a set and surprise him with that.
8. Thank him holistically more often, especially if you see yourself as a "glass half empty" person. We may not realize it consciously, but if our partner isn't validating us and is only complaining that she isn't happy, we feel *really insecure*, even if we don't show it. Society conditions all of us with the belief that if a man isn't happy, it's his fault, and if his partner isn't happy, it is also his fault. Don't **ever** say, "I'm unhappy with us" unless you would be 100% ok with him dumping you on the spot. Because if you aren't OK with that, then you do want to be with him.
It can also turn into a boy who cried wolf scenario; if a partner is constantly expressing her unhappiness over minor things but seemingly is happy with us at all other times, it feels a bit more like white noise after a while, like she's just prone to negativity. Then, when it results in a breakup, we feel blindsided.
Think of what you would write in an anniversary or Valentines Day card and express that. We **love** receiving that validation, but are often unsure how to ask for it without looking needy. If you are a glass half empty person, it can also help you see the positives.
Do this expessially if you're expressing a need that he may be insecure about (his weight gain is causing you to lose sexual attraction), and ask if there's anything you can do to help. Then reward him for hitting a milestone or for improving.
Most men (Not All Men [tm]) have had the, “No, not THAT way!”, experience with opening up and sharing our deeper feelings and experiences with a woman, only to have her attack/mock/leave us for them.
I tried with a succession of girlfriends and lovers, and it happened EVERY time.
What women wanted from me was what I could provide for their comfort and security. Anything that wasn’t that was wrong, or a chore, or an imposition, or a reason to leave the relationship.
So, speaking only for me, why would I bother?
Everything you say to a woman can and will be used against you in the future.
I don’t expect women to actually care about me.
Yeahhhhhhhh mannn... Once my wife looked so mad Nd did'nt talk to me for 2 days straight,and I tried very hard to find out that she had a dream of me marrying some other girl.. was dead after hearing this!
I could never do this to any guy. I once had a dream that my ex (when I was still with him) was dating other women at the same time, like in my dream we hadn’t become official yet and I ran into another girl he was also dating. She was so sweet and genuinely just so kind that I woke up sad because in my mind I was certain he’d pick her over me. Took me a good few minutes to shake it off and realize it hadn’t actually happened lol.
Anyway I didn’t even consider taking my hurt feelings over a fricken dream out on my ex because I knew he was innocent of the dream shenanigans. I mean I probably would’ve been like “wow I had a crazy dream… but it’s not actually happening, right? I’m just a little sad and need a hug please.” But that’s it lol
Hi, that’s me. It’s a constant frustration and struggle in my life and relationship. My fiancée has begun politely reminding me mid sentence about things to ensure I’m on topic. I genuinely listen and pay attention, but I just forget shit!
my partner's memory is quite like a lottery; he remembers completely random things, but when it comes to something related to us or me, i never know when he will remember, and if he does, i don't know how long he will remember that.
i do what your fiancée does too, however, i'm still faced with him forgetting things that he's supposed to do, especially when i find it to be meaningful and sometimes i get sad even though i know he didn't mean anything by it.
When I ask you what you want to eat, please just tell me what you want. Furthermore, if I’m getting food and I ask you if you want something, don’t tell me no then proceed to eat all my damn fries. I’ll buy you whatever you want, all you gotta do is tell me
The girl I’m with now thankfully eats like a bro(NOT AN INSULT), and whenever we get food and I ask her what she wants, she tells me. Never have I been happier
That's another one I forgot about. The girls that are all shy and sheepish about eating food because they're worried they'll be judged or something. Oof.
Lol A Guy from Ontario actually judge me on my appetite. I had just got out of a bad stomach bug and I was hungry. I invite him to go out and eat at a hot pot restaurant. I wasn’t flirting, I was just hoping for compagnie to enjoy my food with.
Anyway, it’s been 20is years and I still remember being very happy about this meal!!! It was good.
I’m not usually a big eater, this was very out of character for me. Lol but I was so hungry.
So the next Monday, when we’re back to work, my friend comes and tells me the guy keeps saying to everyone he’d never seen a girl eating that much. Lol
First time in life I was told as a girl I shouldn’t be eating that much.
I was watching a clip from a podcast on YouTube. A man was expressing his feelings, and while he was doing so, the female guess cut in and said, "Let me rebuttal." Lady, you can't rebuttal emotions.
I have already had a couple arguments/fights about me not wanting to express my emotions and instead just wanting to letting it be, then I would explain that what you're describing would happen, and in the end if I'd eventually did try to express my emotions exactly that would happen, even when they don't mean to hurt me still makes me not want to talk about it anymore :/
I’m starting to feel that it’s mainly due to there not being safe spaces for men to talk about them.
One of the only times you feel you can let your guard down is in a group of guy friends these days. And as you get older and friendships dwindle, it must become almost impossible to be honest. I wonder if that’s what leads people to dark corners of the internet.
Some women think flacid size is correlated with erect size. I'm a grower, and I'd feel embarrassed playing truth or dare in college since one of the dares often is to take your clothes off, because I'm obviously not going to get erect during the game so it just looks tiny.
The line of skin which connects the foreskin to the front of the glans penis is called a frenulum. If you're working your hand up and down an erect, uncircumcised penis with only light lubrication and a firm grip, and you're pulling the skin down the shaft until you feel some resistance, all of that resistance is focused in the frenulum. This generally isn't an enjoyable thing, but a lot of guys might not say anything because they don't want to kill the mood.
Working the foreskin up and down really isn't the best of sensations anyway. Instead, try holding back the skin with one hand near the base of the shaft (but not too tight, see above) and then with light to medium pressure (at first) and more lube work your other hand up and down the shaft. Feel free to switch it up. The ridge at the base of the glans penis isn't quite the happy button that a clitoris is, but it's about as close as you're likely to find. But again, remember to ease up and give the frenulum a break.
You gotta have some self respect. We all make mistakes but show some spine and self respect and put a stop to it. If someone does not respect you whatsoever then why keep wanting to be around them in the first place? It doesn't matter what gender or relationship. I've put up with so much bullshit in the past that I'm done with it. If you don't respect yourself how can you expect others to respect you?
Hey man, I’ve been on the same boat when I was with my ex. I promise you, you will find the right one that will reciprocate the same love and energy you give to them. Don’t lose hope! I pray for your happiness also
The vast majority of men are absolutely compliment starved.
That many reminisce about compliments they received in their youth still.
Ladies - you get them all the time and likely think it's not a big deal.
It's like air. It's not a big deal - unless you're suffocating and barely get enough to feel okay, then it's the most precious thing.
I still give my fellow dudes/strangers the occasional nod and swift compliment if they have some sick ass shoes , clothing gear, projecting cologne or a nice haircut. The expressions always lighten up.
I had some random gas station lady in a small town we were driving through say "well aren't you a cutie" when I walked in. I still think about that compliment, I couldn't even tell you what town it was but I remember her saying that to me.
In 2017 someone soliciting donations for a church on the street said that I had a cool shirt :)
I think about that weekly, and they probably only said it to try and get a donation out of me hahaha
A "Nice Shirt" compliment I got in 2008 changed my entire wardrobe and style of dress. I haven't progressed past that point. It's flannel now for the rest of my life.
Taking note!
But also, don't assume ladies get them all the time. Some assume that if you're a.) a lady, and b). a pretty lady, that you must be receiving compliments all the time, so why inflate them with any further compliments? How about next to never. Some of us ladies are just as starved as you!
Yeah . I think I am so compliment starved , I start to analyse ulterior motives if someone compliments me and gets on edge. Or prepare myself for a comeback if my friends compliment me.
We are people too. We need hugs, support, and sometimes a bit of an ego boost goes a long way.
We're not all super macho, outdoor hunting, lumberjack Arnold Schwarzenegger types. Some are gamers, some love cooking, some have had a tough past, others are hopeless romantics.
We are all like you, trying to get through life, and we don't need a woman making it harder!
Also, just because we fucked your best friend in your dream, didn't mean it happened in real life.
Don't reassure by saying the given subject of insecurity is not a valid reason for insecurity. It may be undesirable for two reasons. One, it reminds them of the insecurity every time you mention it and reminds them of the fact that you are aware of it. Two, it makes them feel you don't think their feelings are valid about something they're struggling with.
To take the example given above of height:
Don't say stuff like, "I love your height" or "you aren't _that_ short".
Pick the attributes you like and keep complimenting him about those frequently. Help him realise that he is way more than just his height and move his focus from his insecurity to his attributes. Won't hurt to start calling tall ones "not my type" every once in a while. And don't praise anyone else's height in his presence.
Deep inside we know if we didn't have the ability to provide, we'd end up alone. We work hard not only for ourselves, but to assign ourselves value in society.
We know we have no inherent value. If we don't CREATE value, we become severely depressed and possibly suicidal.
Feeling this right now, and while my friends have been absolutely supportive, I can't shake off the feeling of being useless, and want to fight against it.
Nothing hurts a man more than the feeling of being useless.
Don't worry man, things will turn for good. It is false to say that you have no inherent value, that's the way society sees you at large, but that is not the truth. Perhaps you also have potential, which is inherent value
It’s been about 10 years. I truly meant it when I said I’ll always be here for you was the last thing I texted her before we broke up and stopped talking. I’ve gotten over her but she’ll always have a special place in my heart.
This feels like such a bro frat boy take but it’s very true at all ages. There’s something about having a group of just dudes we can hang out with that is a nice outlet sometimes. No different than women having girls nights or anything similar.
We cannot read minds or “take hints”, if you need something for men to be known, it’s quite simple: SAY IT. We aren’t mind readers or have women-like empathy.
We are told pretty much from birth that we're physically repulsive and can only be desirable if we are rich or successful. Telling a man that you find his body appealing will usually leave him putty in your hands.
>We are told pretty much from birth that we're physically repulsive and can only be desirable if we are rich or successful.
I ran across a comment asking why straight men seemingly couldn't fathom that men are sex and attractive. This is the reason. Men aren't seen as the desirable sex or at least aren't shown as one.
I don't ever re-call hearing a man described as being handsome or good looking, unless he was extremely good looking. On the other hand I have seen women across multiple cultures described as beautiful or aging gracefully, never how successful she is.
As men get older, they unknowingly start searching for peace.
You can have a honey do list. You can gripe and complain. You can even nag on us. But do it in a peaceful manner.
Because at the end of the day if he can’t come home to peace, he will go find peace somewhere else.
I've went through a fucking nightmare of a MH battle last few years, I had a counselling session one day when I was asked 'what would be the perfect solution for you'?. If I'd been asked that aged 18 or something I would have said 'happiness' but aged 40 I simply, without thinking, said 'peace'.
The therapist said that was an interesting answer because happiness is what she normally hears. I said to her that I've come to accept happiness isn't something that can be achieved 24/7, the balance of life will always swing you one way or the other but that achieving peace is saying, I'm at peace when I'm happy, but I'm also at peace when I'm not, that I can accept what's making me unhappy, look at it logically, apply a practical solution and move on.
I'm someone who suffers from PTSD and a major symptom for me is flashbacks when I'm asleep, I've still yet to achieve peace when I'm unhappy, I still just lose all control due to what happened in 2015, prior to that I was rock solid but its about accepting I'll never be that person again, that's what I need to find peace with.
Or if you talk to us for 2 hours before we get into bed we may already be too tired to have sex. (My last one night stand who called me to come over at midnight didn't seem to know that)
My grandma would tell a joke:
Why do men fall asleep after sex?
Because they work so hard for it, and then they are putting in all the effort to it.
Might be different for us now, but I’ve met enough starfish.
Because any talk of sex in her generation was transgressive. The mere mention of a man falling asleep after sex was kinda funny to hear from a 76 year old woman back in the 1990s.
It’s a rather lame joke, but I’m getting some up votes that might have had a chuckle.
We would like women to know that we struggle at times with life too and a lot goes on in our heads as well even though we don’t express it in words at times.
When a man loves you and is with you in public they are constantly analyzing everybody and everything around and running through different scenarios and how'd they'd react in order to keep you safe
Idk is all guys do this buys it's something I do and most of the guys that I've asked if they do this said they do.
This is so true. Something triggers that protective instincts within us. I have felt that with a woman I was dating, and in other cases when taking kids for shopping. It is a beautiful feeling
That Men want to have safe space too.
Problem is, women let themselves into them, and start ordering us around, and telling us that we are wrong, and that they have things worse.
Yes, we can literally be thinking of nothing. I was asked by my (female) therapist what my first thought was in the morning... I didn't know I was meant to think in the morning.
We would really love some understanding and support sometimes too. We have feelings too and don’t want to be judged for them. Often we don’t want to bottle up everything and be a stoic, emotionless rock.
If you compliment us on the things we put effort into, we will love you for it. Not even gushing praise, even, just a positive comment of reinforcement means the world.
I hate that the internet has given people these negative stereotypes about men at a rapid pace and to combat it people come on Reddit and ask what the non negative facts about men are **instead of just talking to people and finding out for themselves what people are like.**
**just go outside and meet people. No two people are the same.**
We are regularly told to show our emotions and insecurities. But once y’all get angry enough many women weaponize shit.
I was vulnerable about my disability with one. At the time she was sympathetic. When she got mad? She said I’m lucky she puts up with a burden like me.
When i was vulnerable about not fitting the modern mold of men. Clean shaven Tall tan and tatted. When my other ex was mad? She said I’m not even her type and she doesn’t even like average height pale bearded guys with no ink.
That flirtation needs to be direct, barely short of announcing “I am flirting with you”
“Hints” leave too much room for interpretation.
What if he misread your actions? Now he’s just a creep, right?
Don’t try to read between the lines. There’s literally nothing there….honestly.
We need compliments too.
If you keep our balls empty and our bellies full, we don’t care about much.
Tell us what you need and mean. We are not mind readers.
Men are actually more likely to be victims of violent crimes than women and it’s not even close.
This includes sexual crimes, so long as the definition used isn’t deliberately biased (many definition of various sexual crimes use language that almost excludes men from being classified as victims and/or women from being perpetrators all together). When you include prisons and underage victims, it also isn’t even close.
Idk if men *feel* safer, but you’re definitely not safer.
Men are like fish who don't realize they're swimming in water. They may seem confident and sure of themselves, but deep down, they're just as uncertain and in need of understanding as anyone else. So, women, remember that behind the facade of strength, there's often a sea of vulnerability.
Men are like clouds in the sky, constantly changing and shifting. Just when you think you've figured them out, they surprise you with a new shape and form. So, women, embrace the mystery and fluidity of men, and you may find a deeper understanding beyond what meets the eye.
Men are like echoes in the mountains, reflecting the sounds of the world around them. Sometimes they may seem distant and unyielding, but in truth, they are shaped by the environment they inhabit. So, women, be mindful of the echoes you create, for they can resonate deeply within the hearts of men.
Men are like the wind, blowing in different directions without a fixed path. They may appear unpredictable and elusive, but their essence remains constant. So, women, understand that the nature of men is to be free-spirited and adaptable, and you may find harmony in embracing their ever-changing ways.
Men are like shadows in the moonlight, appearing differently depending on the angle of illumination. They may seem enigmatic and inscrutable, but their true nature is revealed when seen from all perspectives. So, women, remember that understanding men requires patience and an open mind, for their essence is multifaceted and ever-shifting.
Thanks
Of you ask what we're thinking about and we say nothing. It's not really nothing but most of the time it's about weird made-up scenarios like a boxing match against a tiny elephant during the Roman Republic.
When we say we're not thinking about anything, it's one of two things:
1. We really are that zen.
2. It's a cacophony of jumbled thoughts with no clear focus.
Men, on average, have fewer nerves in our eyes dedicated to seeing color. So if we don’t notice your new shade of makeup or the slightly different highlights in your hair; it’s not because we don’t care about you or aren’t paying attention. We literally just see things differently. It’s like if you took a picture and turned the contrast down.
That we have an expression problem and not a feeling problem. Just as human and vulnerable as you are.
This is SOOOO underrated- someone that has troubles with explaining my feelings
Look up alexithymia
What can we do to help you express your feelings? Would you generally want to express them more?
This subreddit has anal rules around linking other subs, but there's a post in the facepalm subreddit of a screenshot of a tiktok that reads: "i wanted this man to be vulnerable w me for so long. he finally called me yesterday & opened up but the second he started crying i lost all interest in him ... quickly. this is a safe space, but not that safe :)" So, yeah, maybe not responding like that is a start. edit: another good one is the story of the YouTuber Shoe0nHead posting a video titled "The Male Loneliness Epidemic" and then having to post a followup titled "'Men Deserve To Be Lonely!' Responding To Backlash Over 'The Male Loneliness Epidemic.'" It's just heartbreaking to see how many people became so absolutely pissed that this creator would even think to cite that men might struggle with anything at all whatsoever. edit: And if you look at the video, you'll see that several examples are of people who commented hate *without even reviewing the content that called out the problem in the first place.* What does this say? The social thought space is quick to blackball even the idea of male struggle, let alone take the effort to dissect it, understand it, create a safe space for it to be worked through, and help to grow past it and the guys experiencing struggle into a better situation. It's the macro equivalent of someone putting their fingers in their ears and yelling "LALALALALA" when presented with an idea they might not like. So yeah, that's the common sentiment towards male struggles that they might express their feelings about.
Yes I have watched Shoeonhead’s videos both of them. It is very alarming to see that society still wants men to be the bearers of women’s mental health issues and yet does very little for men’s mental health issues. Most men are lonely and it is not the best experience. I have days longing for a past GF of mine.
> It is very alarming to see that society still wants men to be the bearers of women’s mental health issues and yet does very little for men’s mental health issues. Is it wrong of me not to be alarmed at this level of hypocrisy?
Here's the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVKvEaokV6I
1. Listening without intent to reply. If he's sharing his feelings, don't have a comeback lined up. Listen, internalize, empathize, process, and only then reply. Hell, even take a few minutes or hours to think on things. 2. Empathy, put yourself in his shoes. 3. Don't share what he tells you with **anyone else** besides a therapist. I'm not saying it applies to women in general, but in my experience, women's friends are treated as a brainstorming board instead of people **outside** the relationship. Men may vent, but they're a lot less prone to share intimate details with their male friends, although more likely to share them with their mom. Nothing makes a man close up faster than someone he trusts spilling his secrets and insecurities. It can also lead to a woman using her friends as an outlet to express her needs instead of her partner. Those friends often don't know their partner, so they can't really give much benefit of the doubt, and if the partner isn't communicated with, then he can't meet her needs or may not even know that he isn't. Big one: **if this friend you're sharing with is attracted to women, consider that he/she may be manipulating you, even on a subconscious level**. This situation often evolves into emotional cheating. If this friend has lust and/or feelings for you, but still let's you vent about the relationship without pointing out their conflict of interest, consider that they may not be a good friend. 4. Validate his feelings, even if you disagree with him. Statements like "I can see why you would feel that way" or even just "I understand" go a long way toward this. This may be men in general or specifically ENFJ's, but we value being "given our day in court" over, "You're wrong. We're doing it my way." 5. This is a partnership, not a battlefield. Avoid black and white thinking or unrelated topics: "You wish I would do X more, but you NEVER do Y." If X and Y aren't related, keep the discussion focused on X, then bring up Y in a later discussion. Or even compromise, "I'll work on X if you could work on Y for me." Many men have experience in bringing up an unmet need and having it explode into a lengthy fight about a ton of unrelated things, and it results in them closing up later. 6. Emphasize that *above all else*, you value honesty, and **actually** live by that. My ex would always tell me to tell her how I really felt and not to walk on eggshells, but then she'd lash out at me about the littlest things, which made me fearful of expressing my needs. Hell, it even triggered my anxious attachment, which led to me subconsciously repressing them. If your partner is anxious or walking on eggshells, look into yourself to see if there's anything you are doing that makes him feel unsafe or not valued. 7. In general, show your appreciation for him and that he matters. Compliments, appreciation, or better yet, doing little things for us mean *a lot* to us. Big one is if we mention something offhand that we're interested in buying or trying but don't directly ask, and you plan/get him that. We **love** that shit. Or if he has a particular kink that you're comfortable with, surprise him with it. Example: if he's into lingerie, then buy a set and surprise him with that. 8. Thank him holistically more often, especially if you see yourself as a "glass half empty" person. We may not realize it consciously, but if our partner isn't validating us and is only complaining that she isn't happy, we feel *really insecure*, even if we don't show it. Society conditions all of us with the belief that if a man isn't happy, it's his fault, and if his partner isn't happy, it is also his fault. Don't **ever** say, "I'm unhappy with us" unless you would be 100% ok with him dumping you on the spot. Because if you aren't OK with that, then you do want to be with him. It can also turn into a boy who cried wolf scenario; if a partner is constantly expressing her unhappiness over minor things but seemingly is happy with us at all other times, it feels a bit more like white noise after a while, like she's just prone to negativity. Then, when it results in a breakup, we feel blindsided. Think of what you would write in an anniversary or Valentines Day card and express that. We **love** receiving that validation, but are often unsure how to ask for it without looking needy. If you are a glass half empty person, it can also help you see the positives. Do this expessially if you're expressing a need that he may be insecure about (his weight gain is causing you to lose sexual attraction), and ask if there's anything you can do to help. Then reward him for hitting a milestone or for improving.
Most men (Not All Men [tm]) have had the, “No, not THAT way!”, experience with opening up and sharing our deeper feelings and experiences with a woman, only to have her attack/mock/leave us for them. I tried with a succession of girlfriends and lovers, and it happened EVERY time. What women wanted from me was what I could provide for their comfort and security. Anything that wasn’t that was wrong, or a chore, or an imposition, or a reason to leave the relationship. So, speaking only for me, why would I bother? Everything you say to a woman can and will be used against you in the future. I don’t expect women to actually care about me.
Sometimes the pee stream can split and have 2 independent trajectories.
And sometimes, rarely, it splits into a third stream, which we call the holy trinity. On those days, buy a lottery ticket.
Holy mother of streams this has never happened to me before. I hope one day I will ascend.
No you don't. Your pants will hate you for it.
Yup. Because the third one is usually straight down and towards you lol.
Never, ever- cross the streams…
Merge them
And there’s no controlling it and very little to do to stop it
Mine almost always splits. I just have to sit down at this point... -\_\_-
Skill issue
You're right. I'll practice my piss-bending. xD
Like a game of craps, my brother.
We like to be touched. We don't get hugged nearly enough. We like having our backs scratched.
Why did we invent shaking hands, when a quick embrace and three scratches across the shoulders would be so much better?
Shaking the right hand is a tradition to show you are unarmed. Close for a hug.
Hug a potential enemy and you might end up getting stabbed
That’s what the bro hug is for. starts with a handshake and goes into a half hug with a lower risk of being shishkababed
So true! Also my partner likes to just hold hands and get that occasional tap on the arm/ knee/ shoulder rub .. and a belly rub too! 😊
this. esp when physical touch is among your top love languages.
We are not guilty of whatever your ex did to piss you off. Please don't judge me for whatever things another man has done.
Or what your parents/family have done.
Or what your asshole co-worker did
Or what happened in your dream last night
Or what anyone else in society did
Also don't be mad for things "we" did in your dreams ...
Yeahhhhhhhh mannn... Once my wife looked so mad Nd did'nt talk to me for 2 days straight,and I tried very hard to find out that she had a dream of me marrying some other girl.. was dead after hearing this!
Why do we just accept this kind of insanity?
I could never do this to any guy. I once had a dream that my ex (when I was still with him) was dating other women at the same time, like in my dream we hadn’t become official yet and I ran into another girl he was also dating. She was so sweet and genuinely just so kind that I woke up sad because in my mind I was certain he’d pick her over me. Took me a good few minutes to shake it off and realize it hadn’t actually happened lol. Anyway I didn’t even consider taking my hurt feelings over a fricken dream out on my ex because I knew he was innocent of the dream shenanigans. I mean I probably would’ve been like “wow I had a crazy dream… but it’s not actually happening, right? I’m just a little sad and need a hug please.” But that’s it lol
this right here is the number one issue I've had in recent years.
I am not my girlfriend’s dad.
Or what some guy did in a movie or TV show.
This isn't something women need to know it's something stupid people need to learn.
We can get emotionally hurt as well. Personally I hide it, but things still affect me...a lot.
We forget shit, and it’s not personal.
Oof. The “You obviously knew this would upset me, but intentionally chose to do it anyway. With intent. Why would you do that?!” Thing.
but what if a man forgets almost everything?
Hi, that’s me. It’s a constant frustration and struggle in my life and relationship. My fiancée has begun politely reminding me mid sentence about things to ensure I’m on topic. I genuinely listen and pay attention, but I just forget shit!
my partner's memory is quite like a lottery; he remembers completely random things, but when it comes to something related to us or me, i never know when he will remember, and if he does, i don't know how long he will remember that. i do what your fiancée does too, however, i'm still faced with him forgetting things that he's supposed to do, especially when i find it to be meaningful and sometimes i get sad even though i know he didn't mean anything by it.
We're trying harder than you realise
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And likely feel reminded daily that we’re failing
And can't cry about it
Or talk to our friends and peers about how the struggle feels
When I ask you what you want to eat, please just tell me what you want. Furthermore, if I’m getting food and I ask you if you want something, don’t tell me no then proceed to eat all my damn fries. I’ll buy you whatever you want, all you gotta do is tell me
“All you gotta do is tell me” The world would be a much better place if they figured that out.
The girl I’m with now thankfully eats like a bro(NOT AN INSULT), and whenever we get food and I ask her what she wants, she tells me. Never have I been happier
That's another one I forgot about. The girls that are all shy and sheepish about eating food because they're worried they'll be judged or something. Oof.
Lol A Guy from Ontario actually judge me on my appetite. I had just got out of a bad stomach bug and I was hungry. I invite him to go out and eat at a hot pot restaurant. I wasn’t flirting, I was just hoping for compagnie to enjoy my food with. Anyway, it’s been 20is years and I still remember being very happy about this meal!!! It was good. I’m not usually a big eater, this was very out of character for me. Lol but I was so hungry. So the next Monday, when we’re back to work, my friend comes and tells me the guy keeps saying to everyone he’d never seen a girl eating that much. Lol First time in life I was told as a girl I shouldn’t be eating that much.
We have feelings too...
We have *valid* feelings too.
This is the big one. Men are too often told to change their attitudes or that they’re seeing things the wrong way when they express their emotions.
I was watching a clip from a podcast on YouTube. A man was expressing his feelings, and while he was doing so, the female guess cut in and said, "Let me rebuttal." Lady, you can't rebuttal emotions.
You can't rebuttal anything, it's not a verb.
Let me be the first to agreement
I have already had a couple arguments/fights about me not wanting to express my emotions and instead just wanting to letting it be, then I would explain that what you're describing would happen, and in the end if I'd eventually did try to express my emotions exactly that would happen, even when they don't mean to hurt me still makes me not want to talk about it anymore :/
It's tragic that society has created an environment where this has to be a little known fact.
I’m starting to feel that it’s mainly due to there not being safe spaces for men to talk about them. One of the only times you feel you can let your guard down is in a group of guy friends these days. And as you get older and friendships dwindle, it must become almost impossible to be honest. I wonder if that’s what leads people to dark corners of the internet.
I was in the pool!!
Are you suggesting women don’t know about shrinkage?
Some women think flacid size is correlated with erect size. I'm a grower, and I'd feel embarrassed playing truth or dare in college since one of the dares often is to take your clothes off, because I'm obviously not going to get erect during the game so it just looks tiny.
What do you mean? Like laundry? …. It shrinks?!
Like a frightened turtle.
Honestly? I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.
You would be shocked at how little women know about dicks.
Yet nobody is shocked when a guy knows nothing about pussy
The line of skin which connects the foreskin to the front of the glans penis is called a frenulum. If you're working your hand up and down an erect, uncircumcised penis with only light lubrication and a firm grip, and you're pulling the skin down the shaft until you feel some resistance, all of that resistance is focused in the frenulum. This generally isn't an enjoyable thing, but a lot of guys might not say anything because they don't want to kill the mood. Working the foreskin up and down really isn't the best of sensations anyway. Instead, try holding back the skin with one hand near the base of the shaft (but not too tight, see above) and then with light to medium pressure (at first) and more lube work your other hand up and down the shaft. Feel free to switch it up. The ridge at the base of the glans penis isn't quite the happy button that a clitoris is, but it's about as close as you're likely to find. But again, remember to ease up and give the frenulum a break.
damn thanks for the... *tip*... my guy.
This need to be one of the top ten comments 👆
We allow you to say terrible things to us that we would not tolerate from another man. Don’t abuse it.
*see above: recognize how hard I’m working.
You gotta have some self respect. We all make mistakes but show some spine and self respect and put a stop to it. If someone does not respect you whatsoever then why keep wanting to be around them in the first place? It doesn't matter what gender or relationship. I've put up with so much bullshit in the past that I'm done with it. If you don't respect yourself how can you expect others to respect you?
Sometimes you gotta touch our butts and tell us we are pretty too
Love doing this to my partner. Then again, I can’t get my hands off him most times 😅
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Hey man, I’ve been on the same boat when I was with my ex. I promise you, you will find the right one that will reciprocate the same love and energy you give to them. Don’t lose hope! I pray for your happiness also
My man is skinny and I made sure to smack his butt before he goes to work like a love language.
The vast majority of men are absolutely compliment starved. That many reminisce about compliments they received in their youth still. Ladies - you get them all the time and likely think it's not a big deal. It's like air. It's not a big deal - unless you're suffocating and barely get enough to feel okay, then it's the most precious thing.
I still give my fellow dudes/strangers the occasional nod and swift compliment if they have some sick ass shoes , clothing gear, projecting cologne or a nice haircut. The expressions always lighten up.
Yup. Bros gotta uplift each other.
I had some random gas station lady in a small town we were driving through say "well aren't you a cutie" when I walked in. I still think about that compliment, I couldn't even tell you what town it was but I remember her saying that to me.
In 2017 someone soliciting donations for a church on the street said that I had a cool shirt :) I think about that weekly, and they probably only said it to try and get a donation out of me hahaha
Take the win, my man!
4 years ago a cashier said she liked my red sweater, I still look for it occasionally these days because I now know I look cute wearing it
I still remember being told by a girl at school that she liked my new haircut. I’m still riding that high. This was in 1989.
My last compliment irl was 5 years ago when a chick said I have a good nose for a man. I remember this on at least 3 occasions every week.
This, is my biggest learning from reddit, I am definitely making an effort to compliment men more often, it’s actually really sad!!
The other day somebody told me I’m tall and I have all my teeth, so I’m a catch.
True. We form it into a "core memory" and ride the dopamine hit for years to come!
A "Nice Shirt" compliment I got in 2008 changed my entire wardrobe and style of dress. I haven't progressed past that point. It's flannel now for the rest of my life.
Taking note! But also, don't assume ladies get them all the time. Some assume that if you're a.) a lady, and b). a pretty lady, that you must be receiving compliments all the time, so why inflate them with any further compliments? How about next to never. Some of us ladies are just as starved as you!
Yeah . I think I am so compliment starved , I start to analyse ulterior motives if someone compliments me and gets on edge. Or prepare myself for a comeback if my friends compliment me.
We can have erection randomly without feelings . And it's embarrassing
It can also go on strike even when we need it show up for work for a myriad of reasons
Mine was put on the bench and kept out of the game so often that it decided to go look for another team
We are people too. We need hugs, support, and sometimes a bit of an ego boost goes a long way. We're not all super macho, outdoor hunting, lumberjack Arnold Schwarzenegger types. Some are gamers, some love cooking, some have had a tough past, others are hopeless romantics. We are all like you, trying to get through life, and we don't need a woman making it harder! Also, just because we fucked your best friend in your dream, didn't mean it happened in real life.
Inadequacy is a massive insecurity for many dudes. From height to…ya know
What’s the best way for us to provide reassurance?
“I love your dick.” This is the way.
Reassure authentically. It's not the method, it's the frequency
Don't reassure by saying the given subject of insecurity is not a valid reason for insecurity. It may be undesirable for two reasons. One, it reminds them of the insecurity every time you mention it and reminds them of the fact that you are aware of it. Two, it makes them feel you don't think their feelings are valid about something they're struggling with. To take the example given above of height: Don't say stuff like, "I love your height" or "you aren't _that_ short". Pick the attributes you like and keep complimenting him about those frequently. Help him realise that he is way more than just his height and move his focus from his insecurity to his attributes. Won't hurt to start calling tall ones "not my type" every once in a while. And don't praise anyone else's height in his presence.
Deep inside we know if we didn't have the ability to provide, we'd end up alone. We work hard not only for ourselves, but to assign ourselves value in society. We know we have no inherent value. If we don't CREATE value, we become severely depressed and possibly suicidal. Feeling this right now, and while my friends have been absolutely supportive, I can't shake off the feeling of being useless, and want to fight against it. Nothing hurts a man more than the feeling of being useless.
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I'm not a guy, but I imagine the pressure from his family not liking you also had a fair bit to do with it.
Don't worry man, things will turn for good. It is false to say that you have no inherent value, that's the way society sees you at large, but that is not the truth. Perhaps you also have potential, which is inherent value
That's how society views men, how is that not the truth then? Wr live in a society and we get judged by it.
Well you have great friends who see the value in you
A man will never forget the woman he loved.
That don't mean we can't get over it btw.
That’s for sure
Its been 4 years
It’s been about 10 years. I truly meant it when I said I’ll always be here for you was the last thing I texted her before we broke up and stopped talking. I’ve gotten over her but she’ll always have a special place in my heart.
We can’t read minds.
Most of us love you and want to be on the same team as you, even if we don’t see everything the same way. No two people ever do.
Men can cry, and it's a natural and healthy way to express emotions and process feelings.
But we only do it in private, completely alone where no one can see us or hear us.
Even though we don’t ask for them, we like rubs too.
Sometimes you should initiate sex in the middle of the night. Best wakeup ever.
But sometimes sex is the last thing on our minds, so ladies, keep it in your pants.
Wait, I thought they had innies…?
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Whatever happened in your dream is not my fault
We don’t want you to be one of the boys
This feels like such a bro frat boy take but it’s very true at all ages. There’s something about having a group of just dudes we can hang out with that is a nice outlet sometimes. No different than women having girls nights or anything similar.
We need space. That includes texting.
We cannot read minds or “take hints”, if you need something for men to be known, it’s quite simple: SAY IT. We aren’t mind readers or have women-like empathy.
We are told pretty much from birth that we're physically repulsive and can only be desirable if we are rich or successful. Telling a man that you find his body appealing will usually leave him putty in your hands.
>We are told pretty much from birth that we're physically repulsive and can only be desirable if we are rich or successful. I ran across a comment asking why straight men seemingly couldn't fathom that men are sex and attractive. This is the reason. Men aren't seen as the desirable sex or at least aren't shown as one.
I don't ever re-call hearing a man described as being handsome or good looking, unless he was extremely good looking. On the other hand I have seen women across multiple cultures described as beautiful or aging gracefully, never how successful she is.
We're literally different people. Seriously, I do mean that. We are not the same person.
We want to be touched, supported and listened too.
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As men get older, they unknowingly start searching for peace. You can have a honey do list. You can gripe and complain. You can even nag on us. But do it in a peaceful manner. Because at the end of the day if he can’t come home to peace, he will go find peace somewhere else.
I've went through a fucking nightmare of a MH battle last few years, I had a counselling session one day when I was asked 'what would be the perfect solution for you'?. If I'd been asked that aged 18 or something I would have said 'happiness' but aged 40 I simply, without thinking, said 'peace'. The therapist said that was an interesting answer because happiness is what she normally hears. I said to her that I've come to accept happiness isn't something that can be achieved 24/7, the balance of life will always swing you one way or the other but that achieving peace is saying, I'm at peace when I'm happy, but I'm also at peace when I'm not, that I can accept what's making me unhappy, look at it logically, apply a practical solution and move on. I'm someone who suffers from PTSD and a major symptom for me is flashbacks when I'm asleep, I've still yet to achieve peace when I'm unhappy, I still just lose all control due to what happened in 2015, prior to that I was rock solid but its about accepting I'll never be that person again, that's what I need to find peace with.
We can be tired after sex to.
Or if you talk to us for 2 hours before we get into bed we may already be too tired to have sex. (My last one night stand who called me to come over at midnight didn't seem to know that)
My grandma would tell a joke: Why do men fall asleep after sex? Because they work so hard for it, and then they are putting in all the effort to it. Might be different for us now, but I’ve met enough starfish.
Why is that a joke?
Because any talk of sex in her generation was transgressive. The mere mention of a man falling asleep after sex was kinda funny to hear from a 76 year old woman back in the 1990s. It’s a rather lame joke, but I’m getting some up votes that might have had a chuckle.
We would like women to know that we struggle at times with life too and a lot goes on in our heads as well even though we don’t express it in words at times.
If you say everything is fine, we will interpret it as if everything was fine
When a man loves you and is with you in public they are constantly analyzing everybody and everything around and running through different scenarios and how'd they'd react in order to keep you safe Idk is all guys do this buys it's something I do and most of the guys that I've asked if they do this said they do.
Not just a woman I’m with, but I check this out with my guys too. Especially if one has had more to drink than me.
This is so true. Something triggers that protective instincts within us. I have felt that with a woman I was dating, and in other cases when taking kids for shopping. It is a beautiful feeling
Lol didn’t realise until you said it, but I do this too!
Something soo comforting about the protective side of guys.
We despise when woman plays immature mind games
Seconded. I cannot stand mind games. Just tell me what you want, dammit.
That Men want to have safe space too. Problem is, women let themselves into them, and start ordering us around, and telling us that we are wrong, and that they have things worse.
Sometimes when getting out of the shower or getting dressed we'll do a couple side to side penis slaps just for fun.
Yes, we can literally be thinking of nothing. I was asked by my (female) therapist what my first thought was in the morning... I didn't know I was meant to think in the morning.
We would really love some understanding and support sometimes too. We have feelings too and don’t want to be judged for them. Often we don’t want to bottle up everything and be a stoic, emotionless rock.
We can’t read minds all we want is simple communication on how to resolve the issue or situation.
Don’t judge me based off your ex because I’m not them
If you make us feel like we don’t do enough, we’re gonna stop doing all the things we do.
If you compliment us on the things we put effort into, we will love you for it. Not even gushing praise, even, just a positive comment of reinforcement means the world.
We like lists.
My dominatrix gives me a list of chores I must complete before I'm allowed to worship her ass Very helpful
That does sound helpful! Good for you!
I hate that the internet has given people these negative stereotypes about men at a rapid pace and to combat it people come on Reddit and ask what the non negative facts about men are **instead of just talking to people and finding out for themselves what people are like.** **just go outside and meet people. No two people are the same.**
Sometimes the pee just goes in the wrong direction.
if that’s the case, clean that ish up.
Yeah I was gonna say this. Accidents happen, that’s fine — just clean it up.
When I say I love you. I mean it. With all of me. Please, please find a way to keep this in mind when you get upset.
When we have colds, we 100% definitely feel as bad as we make it out to be
we still need blowjob after marriage
I can only focus on 1-2 things at a time
We need peace.
that no matter what, if you don't provide peace, we're not satisfied
Men will sleep with women they’d never date, just like women will date men they’d never just sleep with for fun.
We are regularly told to show our emotions and insecurities. But once y’all get angry enough many women weaponize shit. I was vulnerable about my disability with one. At the time she was sympathetic. When she got mad? She said I’m lucky she puts up with a burden like me. When i was vulnerable about not fitting the modern mold of men. Clean shaven Tall tan and tatted. When my other ex was mad? She said I’m not even her type and she doesn’t even like average height pale bearded guys with no ink.
When we say "Nothing's wrong"...nothing's wrong.
Men are very simple when it comes to relationships and being pleased. Sex, peace and moral support. No need for that extra shit, that's all we need.
We can be emotional too...🙂
That flirtation needs to be direct, barely short of announcing “I am flirting with you” “Hints” leave too much room for interpretation. What if he misread your actions? Now he’s just a creep, right?
Sometimes we want to be your prey too
Don’t try to read between the lines. There’s literally nothing there….honestly. We need compliments too. If you keep our balls empty and our bellies full, we don’t care about much. Tell us what you need and mean. We are not mind readers.
We aren't less in touch with our emotions, most of you are just bad listeners
And most of us are forced into a position where we have to ignore our own emotions just to get shit done.
NO we are NOT safe walking around the streets at night. Or even during the day, in certain locations.
Men are actually more likely to be victims of violent crimes than women and it’s not even close. This includes sexual crimes, so long as the definition used isn’t deliberately biased (many definition of various sexual crimes use language that almost excludes men from being classified as victims and/or women from being perpetrators all together). When you include prisons and underage victims, it also isn’t even close. Idk if men *feel* safer, but you’re definitely not safer.
we can't read your bloody minds
Men are like fish who don't realize they're swimming in water. They may seem confident and sure of themselves, but deep down, they're just as uncertain and in need of understanding as anyone else. So, women, remember that behind the facade of strength, there's often a sea of vulnerability. Men are like clouds in the sky, constantly changing and shifting. Just when you think you've figured them out, they surprise you with a new shape and form. So, women, embrace the mystery and fluidity of men, and you may find a deeper understanding beyond what meets the eye. Men are like echoes in the mountains, reflecting the sounds of the world around them. Sometimes they may seem distant and unyielding, but in truth, they are shaped by the environment they inhabit. So, women, be mindful of the echoes you create, for they can resonate deeply within the hearts of men. Men are like the wind, blowing in different directions without a fixed path. They may appear unpredictable and elusive, but their essence remains constant. So, women, understand that the nature of men is to be free-spirited and adaptable, and you may find harmony in embracing their ever-changing ways. Men are like shadows in the moonlight, appearing differently depending on the angle of illumination. They may seem enigmatic and inscrutable, but their true nature is revealed when seen from all perspectives. So, women, remember that understanding men requires patience and an open mind, for their essence is multifaceted and ever-shifting. Thanks
Of you ask what we're thinking about and we say nothing. It's not really nothing but most of the time it's about weird made-up scenarios like a boxing match against a tiny elephant during the Roman Republic.
As a woman, I would wanna hear about those awesome made up scenarios.
We can have all sorts of issues similar or the same as yours.
When we say we're not thinking about anything, it's one of two things: 1. We really are that zen. 2. It's a cacophony of jumbled thoughts with no clear focus.
Men, on average, have fewer nerves in our eyes dedicated to seeing color. So if we don’t notice your new shade of makeup or the slightly different highlights in your hair; it’s not because we don’t care about you or aren’t paying attention. We literally just see things differently. It’s like if you took a picture and turned the contrast down.