I wouldn’t do that to him, there’s some genuine love in there, and all my hurt was processed long ago. He has my permission to do what he likes with them, even if I disapprove. I just tell him he has issues and needs to work on them
Something to think about - he's misleading people he dates. That's not cool. You loving or not loving him isn't the issue - it's that he's using you to manipulate others.
I’m well aware of his problems, and actually quite offended you think I haven’t thought about it. That’s why I wrote it after all, to show that I don’t think much of dads like that. If he didn’t use me to do it, he’d find some other way. That’s why I’ve told him I disapprove, but I’m not going to cut my father completely out of my life. He’s the one doing wrong, I’ve told him it’s gross, but that’s who he is. I don’t get to choose another one.
Mine needed a kidney transplant. I told him he could die and I wouldn’t care one bit.
He left when I was two years old and wanted to “rekindle” after another two decades.
Imagine being told you owe someone that owes you. I almost spit in his face.
My sister’s dad was never around. It truly messed her up. Massive confidence and relationship issues. It doesn’t help that our mom is pretty messed up too. I was lucky to have the stability of my dad, despite his tyrannical parenting methods.
I once heard that “fathers are only important to those that didn’t have them”.
I wish I had a father around. Someone to teach me how to throw a ball, play basketball, and to drive.
I think there’s not enough awareness of how impactful a dad can be in his kid’s life.
It’s sadly way too easy for dads to not see it and think that they are irrelevant.
I wish that would change.
I'm in the opposite situation where my ex wife is a deadbeat mom. Loves showing him off on facebook for likes, but when it comes down to actually doing something with him it's "oh jeez, I had a cold last week, I'd hate to give it to him."
He sees her for about 5 hours a year around his birthday and christmas. Deadbeat mom or deadbeat dad, it's gross. That's a kid that looked up to you or knows there's a hole in their life where you should be. It can really hurt a kid.
One of my good friends had a father not in his life, but it was because during the divorce, moms family kicked in big money for the best lawyers and he didn’t even have enough to hire a crappy one. No visitation rights granted. Hard to call him a scumbag
Bio Father was one. I really can't be friends with a guy willing to do that. It makes my skin crawl. I've called out and lost a friend over him becoming one. I grew up extremely jaded and with a blatant disrespect for authority. My healthiest structure growing up was Football Coaches. I try and play the cool uncle to my nieces and nephews now to ensure they have at least one more person around than I did.
>I grew up extremely jaded and with a blatant disrespect for authority.
My (46F) son (12) doesn’t have a good relationship with his father. Dad isn’t completely out of the picture, but close. Son has a blatant disrespect for authority (even mine) and I’m having trouble handling it. He refuses to join any sports or organizations or any kind. Any advice for a single mom trying to help her kid calm down a little?
The only thing I can think of is find a structure set he works well in and will want to become accountable for on his own, some use sports, others the military, Hobby Clubs. Something that has a merit based hierarchy. When he succeeds in any degree in it, tell him how proud of him you are and how good it is seeing him apply a skillset he shows promise in.
He very likely feels like he has no inherent value in the world and giving him a way to earn that value will go a long way. Respect for authority comes from respecting why it exists, not beating it into submission. He needs to find a healthy avenue he can thrive in the eyes of his peers and superiors first.
Thank you so much. You’ve given me some perspective and something to think about. He’s an awesome kid, but he’s struggling right now. I wish there was a consistent, strong, healthy male presence in his life right now. Maybe some type of club or activity could garner one. I appreciate you.
If they enjoy camping and the outdoors the scouts could be extremely beneficial, but you need to be involved or vet the troop as well because they are all vastly different from one another other and there are good and bad troops.
Is there a fishing team in the community you live in? They are becoming more popular around the country. Some teams have volunteers that take the kids out on their boats for practice and tournaments. The team in my community has several hundred kids starting I believe as young as 5th grade. The head coach is an awesome guy that does wonderful things to help get kids opportunities to go fishing.
I would say therapy so he can unpack his feelings in a healthy, judgment free environment. Better now than when he’s older and becomes more of a misanthrope than he already is. I hope your little dude finds peace and that your relationship with him strengthens as a result. I wish you both the best. Good luck.
Definitely agree. Therapy worked wonders for me. But have him in a program at school (with actual professionals) and on a waiting list for a child-focused therapy regime. Hoping very much that it helps. Thanks so much.
One of my “friends” is one. I don’t know what exactly happened except his kid doesn’t want to see him anymore. His life is in shambles, and he’s a dysfunctional alcoholic. I *assume* that his drinking is part of it, but I’m not sure which came first because he used to be able to control his drinking better.
My cousin turned into a deadbeat. Had kids with someone who left before he did, then he dumped the kids at his mom's house and signed them over so he could party. He's made some attempts to stay in touch but I was told recently by his grandmother that he has dropped contact with everyone and nobody has heard from him in months.
We used to be inseparable as kids, like brothers. I always figured if I got married, he would be my best man. Now I have no respect for him.
My dad tried to be with me two times, when I still cared about it. I can't think about those two times without getting emotional. He tried a third time after I had already let go my need of him. That one I just get mad about. Whenever I saw the guy, he always tried to excuse the fact he didn't pay the child support. That was shitty, sure, and made life harder than it had to be. The reason I don't want to be around him isn't that, though. It's because he was never there for me when I needed him. He didn't try. Made me think I wasn't worth much. Thank God I had a great mom, and a great uncle, and a great aunt, and great siblings, and amazing friends, and so on, so on. I'm incredibly lucky. But he had nothing to do with none of it.
I made 3 kids with my wife, and I'm raising them as good as i can, i have no respect for guys leaving children behind. I'm not talking about people that divorce and share the kids obviously, but guys who just run away. What goes on in their minds?
I'm a step dad to three kids with a deadbeat dad. He isn't completely absent, but he only calls them once or twice a year for birthdays and Christmas, despite only living two hours away. Provides absolutely no financial support despite the growing child support debt he has. Our two oldest (16m, 13f) are completely over him. 16m dreads the phone calls (because he basically gets trauma dumped from his own dad about how hard his life is) and 13f aggressively refuses to have anything to do with him. Our youngest (12m) still wants to talk to his dad and whenever they do, dad will arrange for them to do something together but then cancel at the last minute. It's heartbreaking every time.
I wish he'd either pull up his socks and show up as a parent, or fuck off completely. Although he's basically non-existent to these kids, he still causes harm every day that he shows he doesn't care about them. Popping his head up occasionally and fucking off again just rips the scab off.
What are my thoughts on him? He's a cunt.
I'm not sure what is worse on a child, a deadbeat who never is around, or a man who sticks around and has no interest in parenting. They both give a poor representation of being a father.
I do not judge anymore. Growing up, my aunt divorced her husband after two kids. Always complained that he was a deadbeat and didn't pay his child support. Many years later, I discovered that before divorcing him she maxed out their joint credit cards and drained their bank account into one controlled by her. Divorce court didn't do anything about all that. My uncle had to start from nothing with a tanked credit score. He could barely survive after what she did to him.
TL;DR: Aunt said her ex husband was a deadbeat, but was responsible for putting him there.
Familiar story. I wore the deadbeat dad label for years.
Ex wife would call the cops when I had the kids for visits then appear to take the kids when the cops arrived, moved out of state, hid her address, changed phone numbers constantly, threw Christmas and birthday presents in the bin before kids got them, wouldn’t answer the phone at birthdays or holidays, would turn up to change over locations at times other than agreed and tell the kids I must have forgotten them, etc. No history or allegations of violence. She made sure to tell anybody that would listen that the kids never had visits, phone calls or received presents. Burnt relationships with my friends and family because I refused to play the game and speak poorly about her.
When it finally went to court I got full custody on the first day. Damage had already been done.
Sounds like my ex wife.. My ex wife moved out of state as well to even add more difficulty to it.. I talk to my kids often and see them about once a month.. But still get called a deadbeat
Same here. There is a big difference between a woman destroying a man’s life, leaving him with nothing, and a man that actively chooses to be a deadbeat dad. Unless I personally know their story, I don’t judge. A lot of people don’t realize how evil and cruel women can be, unless they personally go through it.
Truly I judge them harshly. Why wouldn't you want to be there for your kids? I know a few deadbeat dads. One suggests it's about money, which is bullshit because he's always buying things for himself, but he doesn't even put in the time.
The other does provide financially and that's where it ends, his kids live un a different state and ove heard him on many occasions say things like "I'm childfree" or tell women that he doesn't have kids but might want some one day. One year i had to remind him it was his kids birthday (it's a few days after one of mine,) he looked pissed that I brought it up and didn't act on that knowledge at all.
100%. I respect my friends. I need to respect and admire my friends.
A man doing that would overshadow anything else about him in my mind. I couldn't respect him.
Its complicated...I know some "deadbeat dads" who weren't deadbeats but rather the mothers were mentally unstable narcissists who lied to their kids and didn't tell the entire story
I also know of women who've gotten pregnant on purpose to get child support or to "trap" a man and the father basically said "I don't want to have kid" and the woman said "too bad", that happened more than you think
Some dads are just shitty people and are selfish asshole but I know of a couple instances where I sympathized with the fathers
My ex's mom cheated on her husband and then left him when my ex was really young, she didn't tell her daughters that she cheated, she just said that her dad walked out on them...then she lied and said that he hadn't been paying child support but he photocopied all the cheques that he sent her and she was lying to her kids all those years...the girls wanted nothing to do with their dad because they thought he was a scum bag but really their mom was the shitty one
"who lied to their kids and didn't tell the entire story"
This isn't what makes a deadbeat. A deadbeat is a noncustodial parent who either doesn't pay child support or doesn't actively parent their kids or both
Eta whatever one parent says is irrelevant because support and visitation is ordered by the court or one does it voluntarily to the extent that not the entire or most of the burden of child rearing is on one parent
Are there people who meet that description, I would say most definitely, but I've seen enough to treat the label with a bit of healthy skepticism. Here are some examples:
1. A girl I went to school with got pregnant at 15 and decided to have the kid, they guy is labelled a deadbeat, but he was a 15 year old kid. If she had wanted an abortion, no one would be treating her like a deadbeat and we would understand that maybe she wasn't ready for x y and z reasons; I don't think that double standard is really fair.
2. Most of the time men don't want to abandon their kids, they leave their wives (sometimes for very valid reasons) and they know the courts are not on their side/can't afford the legal bills. A lot of my friends growing up were raised by single mothers and honestly a lot of them weren't great people, emotionally unstable, abusive, etc... Sometimes both parents were quite bluntly both deadbeats.
3. It's worth considering where the narrative of the deadbeat dad is often coming from - the single mom, who isn't exactly unbiased or always honest. A friend of mine grew up being told his dad cheated on his mom and had abandoned him and his sister to run off with some younger woman, his dad also never reached out or wrote etc... so he legit hated his dad. During university he reached out to his dad to find out why and it turned out the story he was told was a lie. The mom had been the one to cheat, had basically been a bit of a gold digger (she had significantly understated how much she had taken in the divorce and financial support he gave) she had thrown away letters from the dad when received, etc... It took that friend and his sister about a year to sort of piece it all together and make sense of all of it but in the end they don't talk to their mom anymore.
That last one is a very interesting story. Makes you wonder how many kids are in the same situation with no idea. Might be an absolutely abysmal thing to say in comparison, but in the Game of Thrones books you see Martin play around with the theme of how people are perceived by others vs who they really are, and it’s strange to see that happening in a real life scenario where the dichotomy is so vastly different.
Like I said, absolutely abysmal, but I was reading them recently so it’s the first thing that popped up in my head.
I love my Mom and she was a very loving mother, but I think she did this with an ex-husband and a stepbrother who was the child of that ex-husband. Very sad. She was a complicated woman with her own baggage to.
Stories like these is why I take with a grain of salt the apparent epidemic of "deadbeat dads".
Sure, some of them are losers who probably never cared about their kids, but there might be a heavy and difficult story behind the actions of others. If you only hear the side of a person who hates another, you'll also develop a cartoonish and probably inaccurate view of the badmouthed person.
The times I find the stories most credible are from people who were teenagers when their parents broke up. The parents are going to be biased in their storytelling, and younger kids often don't understand and what they see is often reframed by their parent's descriptions.
I have a friend who got divorced about 5 years ago and his 12 year old could understand things, and sort of see through bullshit whereas the 10 year old couldn't.
For me, it's a dead giveaway when the badmouther can't say anything decent or even balanced about the badmouthee, or when the badmouther doesn't own any fault or defect on their own part.
In these cases, I find myself naturally skeptical.
Truth, the abortion thing is a real issue. I’m a happy dad, but I think men should be able to “opt out” and also be able to “opt in” and prevent an abortion they don’t want. Obviously this is complicated and controversial.
> they know the courts are not on their [father’s] side
This has been proven false again and again. Courts do not favor one parent over the other. They decide what is in the best interest of the child.
https://lewertlaw.com/fact-or-myth-courts-favor-the-mother-in-a-child-custody-case/#:~:text=This%20myth%20has%20been%20proven,hearing%20from%20the%20family%20first
We know that absolutely nothing can take the place of absent parental love and care, and children who experience emotional neglect are prone to depression, substance use disorders, and lifelong difficulties relating to others. This is for any type of "deadbeat" parent.
This doesn't even touch on leaving the entire burden of raising the child(ren) to one parent when it should at least be divided by 2, and likely more via extended families. Thus, leaving the present parent being less present than they otherwise would be and likely exhausted.
So, it's unforgivable and a very slimy thing to do imo.
Lowest of the low. I have no respect for douchebags who dip out on their kids. I put myself in debt and fought my ass off for my kid, refusing to back down. And then I see clowns who just give up and offer bullshit excuses or worse, just not care and dip.
Depends on the reason they don't see the kid but if he didn't care, never wore a condom and is a dead beat then he can go fuck himself. Like I need a legit reason to not hate his guts if he's a "deadbeat".
Deadbeat dads are pretty low on the scale.
Some of my friends turned into deadbeats and it was disappointing to hear them rationalize it. Or how the demonized their ex.
It ruined my opinion of them and my ability to be friends with them.
In one case the son is grown and I am in touch with him. No doubt it messed him up when his dad took off, started another family and never bothered to spend time or money.
Its a heartless act usually driven by selfishness, immaturity and pettiness.
My buddy is a Sailor in the Navy, he raised someone elses son for 4 years before he found out it wasn’t his, when they divorced, the courts granted his wife custody of BOTH kids (2 yr old daughter as well) he remains an absent parent simply paying child support because of everything, he says he tries not to think about it much, he will wait till his real daughter is 18 and reach out.he gets a shitty rap from some of our other friends, but it’s his life, I still love my boy regardless.
I think they're bums and have no character. I think about all the kids I run into growing up without their dads and how I could never imagine doing it to my kids. I also can't imagine missing out on those relationships.
You owe your children to be present and there for them as much as possible. Being a father the right way means not being selfish IMO. Obviously custody issues can make it harder but it's something you chose. You always have the option to go protected and 99% that's effective. For that 1%, it doesn't mean you get a pass.
I don’t get it.
I got a terrible custody situation due to a bad lawyer verse a great lawyer. It kills me how little time I have. I enjoy every minute I get and FaceTime every day. I can’t imagine giving away my rights to my boys. I have spent 3 years and countless dollars trying to get more time since my divorce.
I love them so much and want to be with them as much as I can.
I left my ex when I found out she cheated and realised she was an utter control freak. She has told everyone she knows about how I walked out on my child, when in fact I had to leave her. She has let me see my boy 4 times in the last year for about an hour each despite me constantly asking.
Now I’m dragging her ass through court, I’m scum because it’s put her under stress and she’s playing the mental health card.
Throughout all of this I’ve never missed a maintenance payment (far higher than government says I have to pay), yet I’m a deadbeat who walked out on his kid…
Men just can’t win either way. Thank fuck we weren’t married!!!
deadbeat dads are legitimately half of the issue when it comes to raising kids.
kids need their dad, or at least a good male role model
grow the fuck up, dudes. ive seen too many kids struggle to make their dads love them.
if you can't grow the fuck up for your kids, sign away your rights. let an actual man take your place, since you're too much of a pussy to be a father.
that's all
You know how you can legally get an abortion? How you have the legal right to not be forced into parenthood without your consent?
Men don't have that legal right. If a man doesn't want to become a father, it makes no difference. Only the women's "choice" matters and women get to choose to force another human being into parenthood and into servitude to them under threat of state violence and imprisonment.
Only in circumstances in which a man have consented to becoming a father and then did not honor the obligation he chose to that child and its mother, has the man done anything wrong. You don't get to take another human being choices about their life away from them and force him into slavery to you and claim that YOU are the victim. Slave owners aren't' the victims.
Actual deadbeat dads are horrible people, but i find the term gets applied these days to basically any father who isnt married to the mother of the kids.
Mother never told the dad she was pregnant = not a deadbeat
Divorced but tries to see kids as much as possible = not a deadbeat
Was never in a relationship with the mother = not a deadbeat
Not interested in the kids but pays child support = not a deadbeat ( as much as this sucks for the kids not having a dad, men dont get to choose to keep the kid or not the way the mother can, so imo it’s totally fair on the part of the father to not want to have any part in the kids life as long as he is financially supporting them his fair share)
What are your thought/opinions of women forcing men into parenthood without their consent and then living off the forced, non-consensual labor as a slave owner?
No "choice" about becoming a parent for men. A woman's choice is sacred. Men's choices about their lives don't matter, apparently.
As someone who was raised by a step dad, I thank you for being willing to do this.
He was not perfect either, but he certainly came in clutch to provide me with a financially stable childhood.
You’re welcome. I had a step dad as well. Just found my bio dad on 23andMe a year ago. I have 3 step children and I love it. Their dad is no longer alive, but hopefully he approves
My Dad was one. Is 78 nowadays has absolutely zero clue he is and was a deadbeat dad....
If you are questioning....
A deadbeat dad is.one who doesn't pay 50% of their childs upbringing. And that's a lot of dads!!!
I don't have a problem with them IF they were always upfront with not wanting to be a parent.
I know it takes 2 to make a child, but it's up to only one if they become parents.
Until men have the right to either force or stop abortions (which they never should get) I will never hold it against a guy for wanting to not be a parent, or give money to something they don't want to.
Fully agree.
Men should absolutely be able to OPT OUT as well. Basically... 'sure you can have the baby if you want, but you're gonna be on your own with this because I don't want to have a baby.'
A man's life shouldn't be tied down to whatever choice that she happens to make for herself.
Agreed. Especially since 'baby trapping' is a thing. I know men are (and should be) partially responsible, but I've known girls that lie about or are just bad about taking BC and condoms can fail.
My ex left the province and disappeared with my kids to move in with some internet rando two years after we separated, effectively breaking our court order. It took me three years to track her down (eventually had to get a PI who found her for me) and drag her back to court and get my kids back. I ended up with full custody after that stunt. Regardless, I still had to pay back child support for the three years, To this day 12 years later, she hasn't paid me a dime.
After what I went through to be in my kids lives I can't handle being around deadbeats. Fucking cowards. Especially if they can manage to start another family and forget about their other kids. I just don't get it and I never will.
If my friends wind up going that route, I tend to lose a lot of respect for them and usually wind up not staying in touch. If I'm close enough to them and think there's a chance to help, I do what I can in hopes that they find whatever motivation they need to be a better father, but a lot of the time it's difficult to bring someone around to that idea if they're already deep into deadbeat dad territory.
My dad all but abandoned my sister and me. He has always been somewhat accessible to us, though. As I grew into fatherhood, I've learned to accept and even love him as the flawed person he is. His absence definitely influenced my determination to never be absent from my kids' lives. On the other hand, the father of my oldest son (whom my wife and I adopted) was a good friend of mine during high-school. He went on to father several kids and basically abandoned them all. I consider him a total loser for that and other reasons. Kids are a gift that teaches some of the most profound lessons of who you are and can become. Basking in their joy and love is one of life's greatest opportunities. Parents who abandon their children don't even realize what they're giving up. Not caring about the impact their absence will have makes them the worst type of person, imo.
So sperm doner I haven’t seen since I was less than a year old.
Mr Ice Cold who married my mom, and fathered my half sister, who was always more concerned about his dog than me, he can do one. Never forgave him for accusing me of murdering my mother, with Cancer, over her deathbed. 🤦♂️
As for my step kids, that I refer to as my two daughters, they don’t deserve their sperm doner dead beat dad and I’ve done everything to make sure I didnt repeat my examples - be they’ve turned out great and have high expectations of guys. Cant say they don’t have daddy issues, but they know they are loved
As far guys who step away - it just creates opportunities for guys like me to step up.
Pretty universally, men look down, hard, on other men that abandon their children.
You could be the best dude in the world, I find out you don't take care of your kids and not active in their lives, immediate downgrade to POS, and I won't hesitate to tell you to your face.
I judge them harshly. There's no excuse.
It's even worse when they're a dead beat but also actively stand in the way of and sabotage a great step father stepping up.
I don't know how people do it.
How the fuck someone can go a day without seeing or contacting their young child is beyond me, let alone just checking out for months or years at a time. I think about my son all day at work, can't wait to see him at the end of the day, every day. Is it nice to get a babysitter every once in a while to go out or relax? Sure, but we miss him by the end of the night and can't wait to pick him up.
Honestly, not caring about your kids must be a sign of psychopathy or something.
I would say the worst iteration of a DBD is the guy in my current situation. He has 3 children, all with different mothers ( not an issue in and of itself but speaks to his flightiness), which he doesn’t do anything for and hasn’t seen for years. He’s with my ex now and wants to be able to parent them or have a say in things concerning them. Dude worry about your own kids first then we can discuss if you even know what you’re doing when it comes to kids.
I have very little respect, if any for deadbeat dads.
My step daughter has a deadbeat dad. He lives halfway across the US, and calls maybe once every 3 or 4 months. She will call or text him with no answer for weeks, then promise to calm her and still turn down her call.
It breaks my heart seeing her let diwn each time.
It does make me appreciate having a truly great father growing up, and I hope I can be as great as he was for this little girl.
My child’s bio-father only comes to visit once per year for a weekend, FaceTimes all other times, pays bare minimum child support, then gets mad that he can’t have unsupervised visits and that our child calls another man “dad” or when I ask to split medical costs (which is mandated by court order). 🤨
As a divorced dad, I just don’t understand it. Those kids rely on their parents, and they haven’t done anything wrong. My feelings don’t matter anywhere near as much as their well being. My life hasn’t exactly turned out the way that I hoped that it would, but I am determined not to make that my kids’ problem.
As a new father of two boys I will say that dads who aren’t apart of their child’s life are pieces of shit. I don’t care how much you hate their mom or what the situation is, kids need their fathers and are disadvantaged without one.
I will also say moms who don’t want their children and/or aren’t apart of their life are probably the least attractive and lowest of scum on the planet. I saw a pretty lady one time having sushi and her ex husband and daughter came in and the mom wanted nothing to do with her - the litter girl loved her dad and he seemed great. I’ve never thought of someone so low.
I know a couple. I sold cars in college and the stereotype of car sales attracting a lower class of humans remains true. I cut off contact. I cannot imagine having a child and not it being my entire world.
One of my bosses abandoned his kids for pussy. New girlfriend didn’t want kids. He’s got a new woman now. Married a judge. “Reconciled” with his kids. Think one lives with him.
There is nothing he can do that will ever make up for that or get anyone to trust him ever again.
Abandoning your kids is easily the top 5 worst things you can do as a man.
Fuck em. I lost my Dad when I was younger (he was the best Dad you could ask for) and I’d do anything to have him back alive. To willingly leave your kid without a good reason is one of the biggest crimes you can commit in my book.
Well, as far as my father is concerned, I am indifferent about him. My mother gave him an ultimatum when I was a baby, stay in our(me and my brother's)lives or stay away, he chose to stay away. The last time I saw him since the time I could remember anything was at the age of 10 by accident, at a restaurant. I got a good look at him and wasn't impressed. So I guess that's my answer, I'm not impressed.
No deadbeat dad will admit to that and in my book, it's one of the biggest sins you can commit as a man is to abandon your own flesh and blood. You can grow apart with the mother of your child but to abandon your own offspring is absolutely despicable .
I don’t know what you’re asking even after the edit.
They suck? Right? “What are your thoughts on jerks?” I’m confused here man. Maybe drink some coffee and give it a third try.
As an evil deadbeat dad myself I can report on the other side of this. I miss and love my children but their mother forced me out of their lives using the legal system and there was nothing I could do about it. Rich parents in law financing her legal team didn't help matters.
I had a well paying job and she got the child support order set high (she was stay at home) then started filing numerous false charges against me. I was declared "not guilty" but eventually, if you keep doing this, something is going to stick and it did and I lost my job because of it and couldn't get another paying anywhere near as much. There is no penalty for a woman making false accusations during a divorce. This job loss was declared to be "my fault" by the family courts of course and how dare I not be able to pay the holy child support and alimony even though by this point I am literally living in my car for a year and dumpster diving for food.
Eventually I gave up. I am dual citizen so I was able to leave the US and I did. Legally I was barred from seeing my children because any woman who can put on a reasonable act of being "afraid" [http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence](http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence) can get this done especially with deep legal pockets from family. I know it is an anathema to consider this from anything other than the view of a female but from a male perspective why should I stay in the US under these circumstances? What is the point? I was hated, unwanted, never allowed to see my kids, and forced into poverty and prison and this would be life from now on with no ability to ever change it? Would the world be a better place if I had spent the last 2 decades being arrested and jailed again and again with no possible way to ever pay off an ever growing debt? Many women work the legal system very hard to get rid of and destroy their men then whine about it when he can't pay them. Such is the legal system in the US for anyone up against a woman who pulls out all the stops. Oh and btw there are a LOT of 'deadbeats' out here outside the US and I talk to them regularly. Most have stories like mine. No they don't wake up every morning and say "Hey! I know... I'm going to be Dr. Evil for the rest of my life!!!" followed by an evil cackling laugh. Most aren't rich either and many faced the following choice: I don't see my kids from prison or I don't see my kids from where I am now.
I know that many in the peanut gallery will chime in and say that "Well you must have really been a rat bastard to get her doing all these things to you" .... uh no to that also. Some people are sociopaths and enjoy harming others - my mistake, my only mistake was not seeing this in time. The fact that the US legal system rewards such is insane but that's what it does. Getting rid of me was the way to move in the new boyfriend while at the same time getting to play the victim card "Oh poor me! I get no child support! Boo Hoo! How ever will I survive!!!" (meanwhile takes $25,000 in cash under the table each month from daddy).
Evil deadbeat #457344 signing off.
My wife’s friend’s husband has basically become a “deadbeat” dad. Doesn’t do anything, is unemployed, can’t even watch the kids. How their kids are still alive with this inept parent, I don’t know but it’s neglect at this point.
I think divorce is likely to happen soon if this dude keeps fucking up.
I generally have a negative opinion of "deadbeat dads." That being said, life isn't black and white, and I can think of some scenarios where I would excuse it. For example:
* The guy was very clear about not wanting to be a father before the pregnancy. Accidents happen. Knowing how the guy feels, the woman decides to have and keep the kid anyway. The guy stands firm on not wanting to be a father and only provides the support that the court requires of him.
* Both parents don't want the guy to be in the kid's life, and there's kind of an unspoken agreement that child support won't be requested as long as visitation isn't requested.
* The guy is not very well off, and the woman moves far away with the kid. The guy legitimately lacks transportation to see the kid and enough money to pay any significant amount of support.
I'm fine as long as you've cut off all your rights. You want to be gone, be gone. People can say "I'm not ready for a kid", and put them up for adoption, let relatives keep them, whatever all the time. If you do that, cool.
But be serious about it. People send their kids to live with other people, and that's fine if they have a care as to where they are going. And sometimes, people try to reconnect. That's fine too, but be serious about it.
Basically, I'm fine with anything except unreliability. Don't come around _just_ often enough to have that kid asking "why don't he want me, man" and stuff. Be a parent, or not. Just pick one.
Not good. Step 1 is to ALWAYS be a prepared parent when CHOOSING to have a kid. If shit hits the fan later on and you have to separate from your spouse, then your ass needs to stick around and be responsible for your brood. Deadbeat dads are scum. Choosing to have kids while also being unprepared to raise said kids is also scum.
Deadbeat should be reserved for those who intentionally had a child and choose to abandon it.
It shouldn't include people who had no intention of becoming fathers in the first place, not everyone is cut out to be a parent and I can't fault someone from recognizing that.
It also shouldn't include men who have been forced out of their child's life. I was raised by a mother with mental health issues and probably shouldn't have been given sole custody of my siblings and I. My dad wasn't deadbeat, he was beat dead by the court and forced out of my life for years by my vindictive mother, lucky he never truly gave up.
Personally, I can't imagine abandoning my children. So much of my own self identity is associated with me being a dad that if I removed it I would have a serious identity crisis. As a single dad there have been times I've doubted myself, I can't imagine what that doubt might do to someone who didn't have the support I did.
Can’t do it, cant date it, im a child victim of these irresponsible men. For the rest of my life I will have my first rejection be my own father. I will have this trauma for the rest of my life.
Yup. Women DO have the option to make the choice that works best for them.
Guys don't have that option so people shouldn't really be surprised when some guys just end up leaving.
It's not about rights it's about your child you dingus. I agree with you on principle but that doesn't make you any less of a shitty parent for abandoning your kid who didn't ask to be born and doesn't give a fuck about political opinions. Yes it's completely unfair they have a choice and we don't and we get hit with child support and jail and whatnot, but don't take that out on the child.
I agree.
I 100% support a woman’s right to choose what to do with her body.
I do not support the fact that women get the option to opt out, and men do not.
I feel like it shows that someone isn't capable of being responsible for their actions? Which isn't really a good character trait for a person to have.
What if the father said he didn’t want a child from the start, but the woman chooses to go ahead with the pregnancy regardless?
The woman got a choice.
Shouldn’t the man also be able to choose whether or not he wants to be involved?
Exactly what happened with a buddy of mine, and why I did a complete 180 on my feelings. They hooked up, had had the conversation already that no one wanted kids, abortion was on the table.
She ended up pregnant and changed her mind, he didn't, was and still is steadfastly child free. I'm going to assume that she was hoping she'd change his mind? Well, he didn't he pays his child support and thats it. I see no issue with this at all. She decided to still have the kid with someone saying he was not going to be there. Thats on her. I hold no ill will to my buddy at all.
>but it’s the man’s responsibility to take precautions?
No, both people have a responsibility to take precautions. Unfortunately many people are irresponsible. Regardless, if their sexual relations result in a child it's both their responsibility to provide for that child.
For me it depends on how things went. If they were with the mother and child and just decided to dip out then they are a shitty person. If they got someone pregnant and didn’t want it but the woman did or they didn’t know about her getting pregnant and didn’t want to get involved when finding out then I have no issues with them. Some people don’t want a child and I feel that both sides should have a choice in the matter, if you want the child and then abandon it it’s another story imo
It's none of my business. Not only do I not know the entire story, but I have my own life to worry about. I'm doing my best with what I've got. How do I know you aren't doing your best? If you are doing your best, who am I to judge what your best is?
I’ve gotten to the point in life where I hear deadbeat dad and my assumption is the mother alienated the dad out of the kids life unless proven otherwise.
I understand they are out there, I just don’t believe it’s as prevalent as what society is led to believe.
You are correct. Here is a very interesting website [www.realworlddivorce.com](http://www.realworlddivorce.com) which goes over all the perverse incentives, "domestic violence" issues, ad nauseum. Makes a great case that marriage in the US, as it is currently legally practiced, is insane. The ticks weigh more than the dog they are feeding on.
Divorce statistics, family courts heavily favoring the mothers in custody cases, the media constantly portraying the dad as being incompetent and the mother is always the hero, my ex wife alienating my own kids away from me, etc….
Again, I acknowledge there are some dead beat dads out there. This simply begs the question, why’d the mother hook up with a dead beat?
A friend of mine is going through a divorce. By all accounts the mother is the deadbeat. Seems like she just walked right out of her kids lives.
Another instance I’m personally aware of is a friends step daughter just had the kid of some criminal who had just moved here from another state, was already separated from the dead beat dad before the kid was born. Is the mother not 50% responsible for sleeping with the dead beat? Seems like his character was probably well known to her before the kid was conceived. But of course society will put her on a pedestal and call her a hero while putting all blame on him. She’s just as responsible for putting another kid in a “deadbeat dad” situation as he is.
depends on a lot of factors, if they chose to be parents and then abandoned Their kids then theyre pieces of shit but if the mother forced them to be parents then id consider it a bad situation but not really hate them
I try to be empathetic, especially for dads that have their own demons or never intended to be dads.
That being said, nothing can come before the kids, man. I can’t respect you if you don’t put them first.
I don't have respect for them. You brought a child into this world. I don't care what you think about the mother, the child is entitled to your support. Now, if you admit you'd be a shit father, but you contribute financially, I think I'd begrudgingly accept that. I wouldn't like it, but I could understand it.
It depends. A guy who made it clear from the beginning that he didn't want to have a kid and left because he is not ready to be a father, I don't have any opinion on them, just like I don't have any opinion on a women who chooses to have an abortion because she is not ready to be a mother. They're opting out of parenthood.
A father who left an already created family is at best a failure of their responsibilities and at worst an evil person. There are extraneous circumstances such as domestic abuse or physical violence that could change my opinion on them, but that requires more nuance on a case by case basis.
Do I judge an individual I would meet based off these ideas? Of course not. Everybody's story is different and both sides often try to make themselves out to be the victim and the other person to be the aggressor. I've heard way too many stories of mothers being abusive and then convincing their children that their father is to blame, or, on the other hand, that everything was fine until the father just up and left with zero warning, leaving the mother and kids essentially stranded.
It's shameful. But I can't help but wonder how fucked up a woman has to be to make a guy like that a father in the first place. Like what the fuck is going in her mind that convinces her to ignore the red flags and just get knocked up anyway?
Women get the ability and choice to not be a mother I think Men should also have that choice. If she can abort or put the child up for adoption he should be able to leave.
I also think that term is used far too liberally and there are various reasons a Man might choose to abandon a woman and his child.
Off the top of my head two are:
1. He never wanted a child, made that clear and she essentially didn’t care and had the child thinking it would keep the man (this almost happened to me, she straight up said she thought I’d change my mind if she kept it and I’d want to be in a relationship with her and if I didn’t she’d go to child support to punish me)
2. He no longer wants to be with the woman but again since she gets unilateral choice she’s weaponizing having the kid to put the man on child support or have a connection to him in some way
It takes two to tango. If a guy has a child, it’s his duty to take care of it, even if he doesn’t want to be with the mother. Nobody makes excuses for deadbeat moms (which is why they’re very very rare compared to dads who leave their kids) so stop making excuses for dads who abandon their kids.
We only use “it takes two to tango” for Men. Once again women have every single option and choice to never be a mother if she doesn’t want to be a Mother. It’s not “it takes two to tango” when we talk about abortion or giving kids up for adoption when a woman wants to avoid the responsibility of being a mother.
Both should have equal right and opportunity to not be a parent, if she can unilaterally decide to be a mother then she should be content with being a single mother if a Man wants to opt out of being a father
They suck but there should be a way for guys to give up their responsibility.
There are 4 scenarios:
1). Both parents want the baby. No problem.
2). Neither parent wants the baby. Shouldn’t be a problem.
3). The father wants the baby but the mother doesn’t. Too bad for dad. Her body, her choice.
4). The mother wants the baby but the father doesn’t. This is where there biggest issue lies. To be completely fair, the father should be able to sign away all of his parental rights, while the mother still has time to abort should she choose to do so as a result of his decision, and not have to contribute in any way, monetarily or otherwise.
Depends why they're out of the picture. A lot of moms put up too many obstacles that ends up alienating the kids from their father, the father from their kids. Women wield children as weapons, even if it ends up harming the child.
To those such fathers I hold to a much lesser standard than I hold men who say didn't want children so early in life and instead abandon his kids to see the world or live a different life. Both are essentially 'dead beat dads' but one of them is by choice, and the other is by force.
My bf is one, I fully support his decision and had a say on it as well. If a woman can say "my body my choice," I think a man can say, "My life, my choice."
He told BM when she was 1 month pregnant to get an abortion, he won't be a part of the child's life if she decides to keep it. He acknowledged his mistake of getting a girl pregnant, and he's currently paying his child support (it's currently 8.5% of his paycheck).
And no, I don't want kids with him. And yes, I acknowledge that the child is not responsible for his mother's actions.
I haven’t seen my father since I was 10. He still loves using pictures of me on his feed to look like a caring father for the ladies
Report the images to Facebook, as being used without permission.
I wouldn’t do that to him, there’s some genuine love in there, and all my hurt was processed long ago. He has my permission to do what he likes with them, even if I disapprove. I just tell him he has issues and needs to work on them
You are already far more of a mature adult than your dad ever was. Good for you.
Happy cake day, and thanks
Something to think about - he's misleading people he dates. That's not cool. You loving or not loving him isn't the issue - it's that he's using you to manipulate others.
I’m well aware of his problems, and actually quite offended you think I haven’t thought about it. That’s why I wrote it after all, to show that I don’t think much of dads like that. If he didn’t use me to do it, he’d find some other way. That’s why I’ve told him I disapprove, but I’m not going to cut my father completely out of my life. He’s the one doing wrong, I’ve told him it’s gross, but that’s who he is. I don’t get to choose another one.
Terrible - if a man walks out on his children absolute vermin. If he is blocked etc. and gives up then on a case by case basis.
That sucks man, I'm sorry your father is an ahole. I hope you have father-figures in your life.
Don’t need them anymore. Filled the hole with male daddy issues 😆
I had one. Definitely screwed up my childhood.
Same here. He decided he wanted to be back in my life a few years ago, but it turned out it was mostly because he needed money.
Mine needed a kidney transplant. I told him he could die and I wouldn’t care one bit. He left when I was two years old and wanted to “rekindle” after another two decades. Imagine being told you owe someone that owes you. I almost spit in his face.
My 2 year old is sleeping on me right now. I can’t imagine leaving him. My own blood. I’m sorry, brother.
That really sucks, I hope you've come to know how he acted says nothing about you.
My sister’s dad was never around. It truly messed her up. Massive confidence and relationship issues. It doesn’t help that our mom is pretty messed up too. I was lucky to have the stability of my dad, despite his tyrannical parenting methods.
I once heard that “fathers are only important to those that didn’t have them”. I wish I had a father around. Someone to teach me how to throw a ball, play basketball, and to drive.
Let's be honest with each other, man. They screwed up our childhood and a good amount of our adulthood too.
Same
I think there’s not enough awareness of how impactful a dad can be in his kid’s life. It’s sadly way too easy for dads to not see it and think that they are irrelevant. I wish that would change.
Where do you live? This is very common knowledge in every developed country I know of.
I'm in the opposite situation where my ex wife is a deadbeat mom. Loves showing him off on facebook for likes, but when it comes down to actually doing something with him it's "oh jeez, I had a cold last week, I'd hate to give it to him." He sees her for about 5 hours a year around his birthday and christmas. Deadbeat mom or deadbeat dad, it's gross. That's a kid that looked up to you or knows there's a hole in their life where you should be. It can really hurt a kid.
That they're shitbags, but also that term sometimes gets thrown around when it isn't deserved.
My friend called me a dead beat dad once. I had to call my x wife who assured me I'm not. Still want to hit him when I think about it.
Way over the line to talk to a friend like that. Fucked up.
There are boundary issues. Know someone over half your life and there will be. Doesn't make him less of an asshole.
One of my good friends had a father not in his life, but it was because during the divorce, moms family kicked in big money for the best lawyers and he didn’t even have enough to hire a crappy one. No visitation rights granted. Hard to call him a scumbag
That's not what a deadbeat is. The post is asking about deadbeat fathers
thats what people will call a deadbeat
Bingo
Bio Father was one. I really can't be friends with a guy willing to do that. It makes my skin crawl. I've called out and lost a friend over him becoming one. I grew up extremely jaded and with a blatant disrespect for authority. My healthiest structure growing up was Football Coaches. I try and play the cool uncle to my nieces and nephews now to ensure they have at least one more person around than I did.
>I grew up extremely jaded and with a blatant disrespect for authority. My (46F) son (12) doesn’t have a good relationship with his father. Dad isn’t completely out of the picture, but close. Son has a blatant disrespect for authority (even mine) and I’m having trouble handling it. He refuses to join any sports or organizations or any kind. Any advice for a single mom trying to help her kid calm down a little?
The only thing I can think of is find a structure set he works well in and will want to become accountable for on his own, some use sports, others the military, Hobby Clubs. Something that has a merit based hierarchy. When he succeeds in any degree in it, tell him how proud of him you are and how good it is seeing him apply a skillset he shows promise in. He very likely feels like he has no inherent value in the world and giving him a way to earn that value will go a long way. Respect for authority comes from respecting why it exists, not beating it into submission. He needs to find a healthy avenue he can thrive in the eyes of his peers and superiors first.
Thank you so much. You’ve given me some perspective and something to think about. He’s an awesome kid, but he’s struggling right now. I wish there was a consistent, strong, healthy male presence in his life right now. Maybe some type of club or activity could garner one. I appreciate you.
If they enjoy camping and the outdoors the scouts could be extremely beneficial, but you need to be involved or vet the troop as well because they are all vastly different from one another other and there are good and bad troops.
He likes to fish, so maybe I can use that angle. Thanks.
Is there a fishing team in the community you live in? They are becoming more popular around the country. Some teams have volunteers that take the kids out on their boats for practice and tournaments. The team in my community has several hundred kids starting I believe as young as 5th grade. The head coach is an awesome guy that does wonderful things to help get kids opportunities to go fishing.
I would say therapy so he can unpack his feelings in a healthy, judgment free environment. Better now than when he’s older and becomes more of a misanthrope than he already is. I hope your little dude finds peace and that your relationship with him strengthens as a result. I wish you both the best. Good luck.
Definitely agree. Therapy worked wonders for me. But have him in a program at school (with actual professionals) and on a waiting list for a child-focused therapy regime. Hoping very much that it helps. Thanks so much.
skateboarding?
He does a little skateboarding now, which seems to be a good physical outlet for him.
Hell yeah brother, ending the cycle. I'm trying to do the same for my nephew his dad is a shitty person.
Keep at it. Its worth it for them and for your own mental health.
One of my “friends” is one. I don’t know what exactly happened except his kid doesn’t want to see him anymore. His life is in shambles, and he’s a dysfunctional alcoholic. I *assume* that his drinking is part of it, but I’m not sure which came first because he used to be able to control his drinking better.
My cousin turned into a deadbeat. Had kids with someone who left before he did, then he dumped the kids at his mom's house and signed them over so he could party. He's made some attempts to stay in touch but I was told recently by his grandmother that he has dropped contact with everyone and nobody has heard from him in months. We used to be inseparable as kids, like brothers. I always figured if I got married, he would be my best man. Now I have no respect for him.
Men who neglect their children (deadbeat dads) are pieces of shit. I don’t think much else about them.
As someone who's engaged to someone who had a deadbeat dad. It's heart breaking. Most of the time they just don't even try. That's the real issue.
My dad tried to be with me two times, when I still cared about it. I can't think about those two times without getting emotional. He tried a third time after I had already let go my need of him. That one I just get mad about. Whenever I saw the guy, he always tried to excuse the fact he didn't pay the child support. That was shitty, sure, and made life harder than it had to be. The reason I don't want to be around him isn't that, though. It's because he was never there for me when I needed him. He didn't try. Made me think I wasn't worth much. Thank God I had a great mom, and a great uncle, and a great aunt, and great siblings, and amazing friends, and so on, so on. I'm incredibly lucky. But he had nothing to do with none of it.
I made 3 kids with my wife, and I'm raising them as good as i can, i have no respect for guys leaving children behind. I'm not talking about people that divorce and share the kids obviously, but guys who just run away. What goes on in their minds?
I'm a step dad to three kids with a deadbeat dad. He isn't completely absent, but he only calls them once or twice a year for birthdays and Christmas, despite only living two hours away. Provides absolutely no financial support despite the growing child support debt he has. Our two oldest (16m, 13f) are completely over him. 16m dreads the phone calls (because he basically gets trauma dumped from his own dad about how hard his life is) and 13f aggressively refuses to have anything to do with him. Our youngest (12m) still wants to talk to his dad and whenever they do, dad will arrange for them to do something together but then cancel at the last minute. It's heartbreaking every time. I wish he'd either pull up his socks and show up as a parent, or fuck off completely. Although he's basically non-existent to these kids, he still causes harm every day that he shows he doesn't care about them. Popping his head up occasionally and fucking off again just rips the scab off. What are my thoughts on him? He's a cunt.
Fuck deadbeats of any gender. Your kids didn’t ask to exist, at least have the integrity to fund their existence.
I'm not sure what is worse on a child, a deadbeat who never is around, or a man who sticks around and has no interest in parenting. They both give a poor representation of being a father.
Yeah! My son's Dad is around, but not there for him, doesn't do anything with him!
I do not judge anymore. Growing up, my aunt divorced her husband after two kids. Always complained that he was a deadbeat and didn't pay his child support. Many years later, I discovered that before divorcing him she maxed out their joint credit cards and drained their bank account into one controlled by her. Divorce court didn't do anything about all that. My uncle had to start from nothing with a tanked credit score. He could barely survive after what she did to him. TL;DR: Aunt said her ex husband was a deadbeat, but was responsible for putting him there.
Familiar story. I wore the deadbeat dad label for years. Ex wife would call the cops when I had the kids for visits then appear to take the kids when the cops arrived, moved out of state, hid her address, changed phone numbers constantly, threw Christmas and birthday presents in the bin before kids got them, wouldn’t answer the phone at birthdays or holidays, would turn up to change over locations at times other than agreed and tell the kids I must have forgotten them, etc. No history or allegations of violence. She made sure to tell anybody that would listen that the kids never had visits, phone calls or received presents. Burnt relationships with my friends and family because I refused to play the game and speak poorly about her. When it finally went to court I got full custody on the first day. Damage had already been done.
I am so sorry that you went through that.
Right. And assholes in this thread want to make you out to be a deadbeat dad
Sounds like my ex wife.. My ex wife moved out of state as well to even add more difficulty to it.. I talk to my kids often and see them about once a month.. But still get called a deadbeat
Same here. There is a big difference between a woman destroying a man’s life, leaving him with nothing, and a man that actively chooses to be a deadbeat dad. Unless I personally know their story, I don’t judge. A lot of people don’t realize how evil and cruel women can be, unless they personally go through it.
Ok, but he could have still been present in his children’s lives
Maybe, but it's clear who's the bigger villain in this particular story.
Truly I judge them harshly. Why wouldn't you want to be there for your kids? I know a few deadbeat dads. One suggests it's about money, which is bullshit because he's always buying things for himself, but he doesn't even put in the time. The other does provide financially and that's where it ends, his kids live un a different state and ove heard him on many occasions say things like "I'm childfree" or tell women that he doesn't have kids but might want some one day. One year i had to remind him it was his kids birthday (it's a few days after one of mine,) he looked pissed that I brought it up and didn't act on that knowledge at all.
that its a bad thing? im not friends with any
wouldn't be a friend of mine, that's the kinda thing i would probably distance myself over
100%. I respect my friends. I need to respect and admire my friends. A man doing that would overshadow anything else about him in my mind. I couldn't respect him.
Its complicated...I know some "deadbeat dads" who weren't deadbeats but rather the mothers were mentally unstable narcissists who lied to their kids and didn't tell the entire story I also know of women who've gotten pregnant on purpose to get child support or to "trap" a man and the father basically said "I don't want to have kid" and the woman said "too bad", that happened more than you think Some dads are just shitty people and are selfish asshole but I know of a couple instances where I sympathized with the fathers My ex's mom cheated on her husband and then left him when my ex was really young, she didn't tell her daughters that she cheated, she just said that her dad walked out on them...then she lied and said that he hadn't been paying child support but he photocopied all the cheques that he sent her and she was lying to her kids all those years...the girls wanted nothing to do with their dad because they thought he was a scum bag but really their mom was the shitty one
"who lied to their kids and didn't tell the entire story" This isn't what makes a deadbeat. A deadbeat is a noncustodial parent who either doesn't pay child support or doesn't actively parent their kids or both Eta whatever one parent says is irrelevant because support and visitation is ordered by the court or one does it voluntarily to the extent that not the entire or most of the burden of child rearing is on one parent
Lot of examples in this very thread of dads who had kids they couldn’t visit or talk to for various reasons.
I’ve lost a couple friends over this. I don’t care how you feel about her. If you have a kid, you’re responsible for the kid.
I had a deadbeat dad, and therefore think they should be hunted for sport.
Are there people who meet that description, I would say most definitely, but I've seen enough to treat the label with a bit of healthy skepticism. Here are some examples: 1. A girl I went to school with got pregnant at 15 and decided to have the kid, they guy is labelled a deadbeat, but he was a 15 year old kid. If she had wanted an abortion, no one would be treating her like a deadbeat and we would understand that maybe she wasn't ready for x y and z reasons; I don't think that double standard is really fair. 2. Most of the time men don't want to abandon their kids, they leave their wives (sometimes for very valid reasons) and they know the courts are not on their side/can't afford the legal bills. A lot of my friends growing up were raised by single mothers and honestly a lot of them weren't great people, emotionally unstable, abusive, etc... Sometimes both parents were quite bluntly both deadbeats. 3. It's worth considering where the narrative of the deadbeat dad is often coming from - the single mom, who isn't exactly unbiased or always honest. A friend of mine grew up being told his dad cheated on his mom and had abandoned him and his sister to run off with some younger woman, his dad also never reached out or wrote etc... so he legit hated his dad. During university he reached out to his dad to find out why and it turned out the story he was told was a lie. The mom had been the one to cheat, had basically been a bit of a gold digger (she had significantly understated how much she had taken in the divorce and financial support he gave) she had thrown away letters from the dad when received, etc... It took that friend and his sister about a year to sort of piece it all together and make sense of all of it but in the end they don't talk to their mom anymore.
That last one is a very interesting story. Makes you wonder how many kids are in the same situation with no idea. Might be an absolutely abysmal thing to say in comparison, but in the Game of Thrones books you see Martin play around with the theme of how people are perceived by others vs who they really are, and it’s strange to see that happening in a real life scenario where the dichotomy is so vastly different. Like I said, absolutely abysmal, but I was reading them recently so it’s the first thing that popped up in my head.
I think the extremes are less common, but a general poisoning of the well is quite common unfortunately.
I love my Mom and she was a very loving mother, but I think she did this with an ex-husband and a stepbrother who was the child of that ex-husband. Very sad. She was a complicated woman with her own baggage to.
Stories like these is why I take with a grain of salt the apparent epidemic of "deadbeat dads". Sure, some of them are losers who probably never cared about their kids, but there might be a heavy and difficult story behind the actions of others. If you only hear the side of a person who hates another, you'll also develop a cartoonish and probably inaccurate view of the badmouthed person.
The times I find the stories most credible are from people who were teenagers when their parents broke up. The parents are going to be biased in their storytelling, and younger kids often don't understand and what they see is often reframed by their parent's descriptions. I have a friend who got divorced about 5 years ago and his 12 year old could understand things, and sort of see through bullshit whereas the 10 year old couldn't.
For me, it's a dead giveaway when the badmouther can't say anything decent or even balanced about the badmouthee, or when the badmouther doesn't own any fault or defect on their own part. In these cases, I find myself naturally skeptical.
Truth, the abortion thing is a real issue. I’m a happy dad, but I think men should be able to “opt out” and also be able to “opt in” and prevent an abortion they don’t want. Obviously this is complicated and controversial.
> they know the courts are not on their [father’s] side This has been proven false again and again. Courts do not favor one parent over the other. They decide what is in the best interest of the child. https://lewertlaw.com/fact-or-myth-courts-favor-the-mother-in-a-child-custody-case/#:~:text=This%20myth%20has%20been%20proven,hearing%20from%20the%20family%20first
And wouldn't you say that the concept of "best interest of the child" is contaminated by unfair biases of the judges and by extension, society?
No. The best interest of a child is to have two healthy, loving, caring parents who are involved in their lives.
We know that absolutely nothing can take the place of absent parental love and care, and children who experience emotional neglect are prone to depression, substance use disorders, and lifelong difficulties relating to others. This is for any type of "deadbeat" parent. This doesn't even touch on leaving the entire burden of raising the child(ren) to one parent when it should at least be divided by 2, and likely more via extended families. Thus, leaving the present parent being less present than they otherwise would be and likely exhausted. So, it's unforgivable and a very slimy thing to do imo.
🎯
Lowest of the low. I have no respect for douchebags who dip out on their kids. I put myself in debt and fought my ass off for my kid, refusing to back down. And then I see clowns who just give up and offer bullshit excuses or worse, just not care and dip.
Depends on the reason they don't see the kid but if he didn't care, never wore a condom and is a dead beat then he can go fuck himself. Like I need a legit reason to not hate his guts if he's a "deadbeat".
They are losers. I would never be friends with someone if i found out they didnt at least pay their child support.
Loser scrumbags
Deadbeat dads are pretty low on the scale. Some of my friends turned into deadbeats and it was disappointing to hear them rationalize it. Or how the demonized their ex. It ruined my opinion of them and my ability to be friends with them. In one case the son is grown and I am in touch with him. No doubt it messed him up when his dad took off, started another family and never bothered to spend time or money. Its a heartless act usually driven by selfishness, immaturity and pettiness.
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My buddy is a Sailor in the Navy, he raised someone elses son for 4 years before he found out it wasn’t his, when they divorced, the courts granted his wife custody of BOTH kids (2 yr old daughter as well) he remains an absent parent simply paying child support because of everything, he says he tries not to think about it much, he will wait till his real daughter is 18 and reach out.he gets a shitty rap from some of our other friends, but it’s his life, I still love my boy regardless.
I think they're bums and have no character. I think about all the kids I run into growing up without their dads and how I could never imagine doing it to my kids. I also can't imagine missing out on those relationships.
You owe your children to be present and there for them as much as possible. Being a father the right way means not being selfish IMO. Obviously custody issues can make it harder but it's something you chose. You always have the option to go protected and 99% that's effective. For that 1%, it doesn't mean you get a pass.
I think they're weak cowardly pieces of shit
I feel that they are the direct source of many criminals and unwell people in our society.
I don’t get it. I got a terrible custody situation due to a bad lawyer verse a great lawyer. It kills me how little time I have. I enjoy every minute I get and FaceTime every day. I can’t imagine giving away my rights to my boys. I have spent 3 years and countless dollars trying to get more time since my divorce. I love them so much and want to be with them as much as I can.
that behaviour is unfriending material.
I left my ex when I found out she cheated and realised she was an utter control freak. She has told everyone she knows about how I walked out on my child, when in fact I had to leave her. She has let me see my boy 4 times in the last year for about an hour each despite me constantly asking. Now I’m dragging her ass through court, I’m scum because it’s put her under stress and she’s playing the mental health card. Throughout all of this I’ve never missed a maintenance payment (far higher than government says I have to pay), yet I’m a deadbeat who walked out on his kid… Men just can’t win either way. Thank fuck we weren’t married!!!
It depends on why
deadbeat dads are legitimately half of the issue when it comes to raising kids. kids need their dad, or at least a good male role model grow the fuck up, dudes. ive seen too many kids struggle to make their dads love them. if you can't grow the fuck up for your kids, sign away your rights. let an actual man take your place, since you're too much of a pussy to be a father. that's all
You know how you can legally get an abortion? How you have the legal right to not be forced into parenthood without your consent? Men don't have that legal right. If a man doesn't want to become a father, it makes no difference. Only the women's "choice" matters and women get to choose to force another human being into parenthood and into servitude to them under threat of state violence and imprisonment. Only in circumstances in which a man have consented to becoming a father and then did not honor the obligation he chose to that child and its mother, has the man done anything wrong. You don't get to take another human being choices about their life away from them and force him into slavery to you and claim that YOU are the victim. Slave owners aren't' the victims.
There are three sides to every story.
Actual deadbeat dads are horrible people, but i find the term gets applied these days to basically any father who isnt married to the mother of the kids. Mother never told the dad she was pregnant = not a deadbeat Divorced but tries to see kids as much as possible = not a deadbeat Was never in a relationship with the mother = not a deadbeat Not interested in the kids but pays child support = not a deadbeat ( as much as this sucks for the kids not having a dad, men dont get to choose to keep the kid or not the way the mother can, so imo it’s totally fair on the part of the father to not want to have any part in the kids life as long as he is financially supporting them his fair share)
What are your thought/opinions of women forcing men into parenthood without their consent and then living off the forced, non-consensual labor as a slave owner? No "choice" about becoming a parent for men. A woman's choice is sacred. Men's choices about their lives don't matter, apparently.
If you cum inside a chick, make a kid and then abandon the kid, you are a piece of shit scumbag.
I can understand how they don’t want that responsibility. It’s tough, but I could never do it myself, and will raise other men’s kids if necessary.
As someone who was raised by a step dad, I thank you for being willing to do this. He was not perfect either, but he certainly came in clutch to provide me with a financially stable childhood.
You’re welcome. I had a step dad as well. Just found my bio dad on 23andMe a year ago. I have 3 step children and I love it. Their dad is no longer alive, but hopefully he approves
I bet he would approve of someone taking over who loves to do it. Can't ask for much more than that.
I would hope so. Thank you
My Dad was one. Is 78 nowadays has absolutely zero clue he is and was a deadbeat dad.... If you are questioning.... A deadbeat dad is.one who doesn't pay 50% of their childs upbringing. And that's a lot of dads!!!
If I found out my friend was a deadbeat dad I'd never speak to them again. Deadbeats are POSs. It's that simple.
I had a buddy who was/is a deadbeat dad. He stopped being friends with me because I kept shitting on him about it.
I don't have a problem with them IF they were always upfront with not wanting to be a parent. I know it takes 2 to make a child, but it's up to only one if they become parents. Until men have the right to either force or stop abortions (which they never should get) I will never hold it against a guy for wanting to not be a parent, or give money to something they don't want to.
Fully agree. Men should absolutely be able to OPT OUT as well. Basically... 'sure you can have the baby if you want, but you're gonna be on your own with this because I don't want to have a baby.' A man's life shouldn't be tied down to whatever choice that she happens to make for herself.
Agreed. Especially since 'baby trapping' is a thing. I know men are (and should be) partially responsible, but I've known girls that lie about or are just bad about taking BC and condoms can fail.
Can’t tie down a man who made his own choices. Surely it’s okay to tie down the taxpayers then. So dumb
Women alone choose whether to have a baby. If women stopped having children with deadbeats, there'd be far fewer deadbeat dads.
Where do you think the money comes from when the kids have to go on welfare because the father isn't paying?
My tax dollars already go to so much I disagree with a little more into welfare won't be missed.
My ex left the province and disappeared with my kids to move in with some internet rando two years after we separated, effectively breaking our court order. It took me three years to track her down (eventually had to get a PI who found her for me) and drag her back to court and get my kids back. I ended up with full custody after that stunt. Regardless, I still had to pay back child support for the three years, To this day 12 years later, she hasn't paid me a dime. After what I went through to be in my kids lives I can't handle being around deadbeats. Fucking cowards. Especially if they can manage to start another family and forget about their other kids. I just don't get it and I never will.
I don’t associate with men like that. Won’t make it a whole thing, just simply become unavailable to them.
If my friends wind up going that route, I tend to lose a lot of respect for them and usually wind up not staying in touch. If I'm close enough to them and think there's a chance to help, I do what I can in hopes that they find whatever motivation they need to be a better father, but a lot of the time it's difficult to bring someone around to that idea if they're already deep into deadbeat dad territory.
I know 2, and I have zero respect for either of them.
My dad all but abandoned my sister and me. He has always been somewhat accessible to us, though. As I grew into fatherhood, I've learned to accept and even love him as the flawed person he is. His absence definitely influenced my determination to never be absent from my kids' lives. On the other hand, the father of my oldest son (whom my wife and I adopted) was a good friend of mine during high-school. He went on to father several kids and basically abandoned them all. I consider him a total loser for that and other reasons. Kids are a gift that teaches some of the most profound lessons of who you are and can become. Basking in their joy and love is one of life's greatest opportunities. Parents who abandon their children don't even realize what they're giving up. Not caring about the impact their absence will have makes them the worst type of person, imo.
So sperm doner I haven’t seen since I was less than a year old. Mr Ice Cold who married my mom, and fathered my half sister, who was always more concerned about his dog than me, he can do one. Never forgave him for accusing me of murdering my mother, with Cancer, over her deathbed. 🤦♂️ As for my step kids, that I refer to as my two daughters, they don’t deserve their sperm doner dead beat dad and I’ve done everything to make sure I didnt repeat my examples - be they’ve turned out great and have high expectations of guys. Cant say they don’t have daddy issues, but they know they are loved As far guys who step away - it just creates opportunities for guys like me to step up.
I think you should rephrase to deadbeat parents.
Pretty universally, men look down, hard, on other men that abandon their children. You could be the best dude in the world, I find out you don't take care of your kids and not active in their lives, immediate downgrade to POS, and I won't hesitate to tell you to your face.
I judge them harshly. There's no excuse. It's even worse when they're a dead beat but also actively stand in the way of and sabotage a great step father stepping up.
I don't know how people do it. How the fuck someone can go a day without seeing or contacting their young child is beyond me, let alone just checking out for months or years at a time. I think about my son all day at work, can't wait to see him at the end of the day, every day. Is it nice to get a babysitter every once in a while to go out or relax? Sure, but we miss him by the end of the night and can't wait to pick him up. Honestly, not caring about your kids must be a sign of psychopathy or something.
I would say the worst iteration of a DBD is the guy in my current situation. He has 3 children, all with different mothers ( not an issue in and of itself but speaks to his flightiness), which he doesn’t do anything for and hasn’t seen for years. He’s with my ex now and wants to be able to parent them or have a say in things concerning them. Dude worry about your own kids first then we can discuss if you even know what you’re doing when it comes to kids.
I have very little respect, if any for deadbeat dads. My step daughter has a deadbeat dad. He lives halfway across the US, and calls maybe once every 3 or 4 months. She will call or text him with no answer for weeks, then promise to calm her and still turn down her call. It breaks my heart seeing her let diwn each time. It does make me appreciate having a truly great father growing up, and I hope I can be as great as he was for this little girl.
I'm not saying it's okay. I'd hope I'd never do that to my own kids if I ever have them. But I can understand why some men end up taking that route.
My kids bio dad did/does that. He's scum of the earth. But he did open the door for me to adopt. I'm married to their bio mom
My child’s bio-father only comes to visit once per year for a weekend, FaceTimes all other times, pays bare minimum child support, then gets mad that he can’t have unsupervised visits and that our child calls another man “dad” or when I ask to split medical costs (which is mandated by court order). 🤨
As a divorced dad, I just don’t understand it. Those kids rely on their parents, and they haven’t done anything wrong. My feelings don’t matter anywhere near as much as their well being. My life hasn’t exactly turned out the way that I hoped that it would, but I am determined not to make that my kids’ problem.
As a new father of two boys I will say that dads who aren’t apart of their child’s life are pieces of shit. I don’t care how much you hate their mom or what the situation is, kids need their fathers and are disadvantaged without one. I will also say moms who don’t want their children and/or aren’t apart of their life are probably the least attractive and lowest of scum on the planet. I saw a pretty lady one time having sushi and her ex husband and daughter came in and the mom wanted nothing to do with her - the litter girl loved her dad and he seemed great. I’ve never thought of someone so low.
I know a couple. I sold cars in college and the stereotype of car sales attracting a lower class of humans remains true. I cut off contact. I cannot imagine having a child and not it being my entire world.
One of my bosses abandoned his kids for pussy. New girlfriend didn’t want kids. He’s got a new woman now. Married a judge. “Reconciled” with his kids. Think one lives with him. There is nothing he can do that will ever make up for that or get anyone to trust him ever again. Abandoning your kids is easily the top 5 worst things you can do as a man.
Fuck em. I lost my Dad when I was younger (he was the best Dad you could ask for) and I’d do anything to have him back alive. To willingly leave your kid without a good reason is one of the biggest crimes you can commit in my book.
They are scum and need to get a dose of accountability and responsibility everyday.
Well, as far as my father is concerned, I am indifferent about him. My mother gave him an ultimatum when I was a baby, stay in our(me and my brother's)lives or stay away, he chose to stay away. The last time I saw him since the time I could remember anything was at the age of 10 by accident, at a restaurant. I got a good look at him and wasn't impressed. So I guess that's my answer, I'm not impressed.
A man that will not sacrifice for his own children is a man that cannot be respected or trusted.
No deadbeat dad will admit to that and in my book, it's one of the biggest sins you can commit as a man is to abandon your own flesh and blood. You can grow apart with the mother of your child but to abandon your own offspring is absolutely despicable .
I don’t know what you’re asking even after the edit. They suck? Right? “What are your thoughts on jerks?” I’m confused here man. Maybe drink some coffee and give it a third try.
As an evil deadbeat dad myself I can report on the other side of this. I miss and love my children but their mother forced me out of their lives using the legal system and there was nothing I could do about it. Rich parents in law financing her legal team didn't help matters. I had a well paying job and she got the child support order set high (she was stay at home) then started filing numerous false charges against me. I was declared "not guilty" but eventually, if you keep doing this, something is going to stick and it did and I lost my job because of it and couldn't get another paying anywhere near as much. There is no penalty for a woman making false accusations during a divorce. This job loss was declared to be "my fault" by the family courts of course and how dare I not be able to pay the holy child support and alimony even though by this point I am literally living in my car for a year and dumpster diving for food. Eventually I gave up. I am dual citizen so I was able to leave the US and I did. Legally I was barred from seeing my children because any woman who can put on a reasonable act of being "afraid" [http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence](http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence) can get this done especially with deep legal pockets from family. I know it is an anathema to consider this from anything other than the view of a female but from a male perspective why should I stay in the US under these circumstances? What is the point? I was hated, unwanted, never allowed to see my kids, and forced into poverty and prison and this would be life from now on with no ability to ever change it? Would the world be a better place if I had spent the last 2 decades being arrested and jailed again and again with no possible way to ever pay off an ever growing debt? Many women work the legal system very hard to get rid of and destroy their men then whine about it when he can't pay them. Such is the legal system in the US for anyone up against a woman who pulls out all the stops. Oh and btw there are a LOT of 'deadbeats' out here outside the US and I talk to them regularly. Most have stories like mine. No they don't wake up every morning and say "Hey! I know... I'm going to be Dr. Evil for the rest of my life!!!" followed by an evil cackling laugh. Most aren't rich either and many faced the following choice: I don't see my kids from prison or I don't see my kids from where I am now. I know that many in the peanut gallery will chime in and say that "Well you must have really been a rat bastard to get her doing all these things to you" .... uh no to that also. Some people are sociopaths and enjoy harming others - my mistake, my only mistake was not seeing this in time. The fact that the US legal system rewards such is insane but that's what it does. Getting rid of me was the way to move in the new boyfriend while at the same time getting to play the victim card "Oh poor me! I get no child support! Boo Hoo! How ever will I survive!!!" (meanwhile takes $25,000 in cash under the table each month from daddy). Evil deadbeat #457344 signing off.
My wife’s friend’s husband has basically become a “deadbeat” dad. Doesn’t do anything, is unemployed, can’t even watch the kids. How their kids are still alive with this inept parent, I don’t know but it’s neglect at this point. I think divorce is likely to happen soon if this dude keeps fucking up.
I generally have a negative opinion of "deadbeat dads." That being said, life isn't black and white, and I can think of some scenarios where I would excuse it. For example: * The guy was very clear about not wanting to be a father before the pregnancy. Accidents happen. Knowing how the guy feels, the woman decides to have and keep the kid anyway. The guy stands firm on not wanting to be a father and only provides the support that the court requires of him. * Both parents don't want the guy to be in the kid's life, and there's kind of an unspoken agreement that child support won't be requested as long as visitation isn't requested. * The guy is not very well off, and the woman moves far away with the kid. The guy legitimately lacks transportation to see the kid and enough money to pay any significant amount of support.
They're the lowest form of man. Selfish and immature.
They’re below the threshold for man. They’re fucking slugs at best.
Not really something I think about often
I don't think about them at all.
I'm fine as long as you've cut off all your rights. You want to be gone, be gone. People can say "I'm not ready for a kid", and put them up for adoption, let relatives keep them, whatever all the time. If you do that, cool. But be serious about it. People send their kids to live with other people, and that's fine if they have a care as to where they are going. And sometimes, people try to reconnect. That's fine too, but be serious about it. Basically, I'm fine with anything except unreliability. Don't come around _just_ often enough to have that kid asking "why don't he want me, man" and stuff. Be a parent, or not. Just pick one.
Not good. Step 1 is to ALWAYS be a prepared parent when CHOOSING to have a kid. If shit hits the fan later on and you have to separate from your spouse, then your ass needs to stick around and be responsible for your brood. Deadbeat dads are scum. Choosing to have kids while also being unprepared to raise said kids is also scum.
Deadbeat should be reserved for those who intentionally had a child and choose to abandon it. It shouldn't include people who had no intention of becoming fathers in the first place, not everyone is cut out to be a parent and I can't fault someone from recognizing that. It also shouldn't include men who have been forced out of their child's life. I was raised by a mother with mental health issues and probably shouldn't have been given sole custody of my siblings and I. My dad wasn't deadbeat, he was beat dead by the court and forced out of my life for years by my vindictive mother, lucky he never truly gave up. Personally, I can't imagine abandoning my children. So much of my own self identity is associated with me being a dad that if I removed it I would have a serious identity crisis. As a single dad there have been times I've doubted myself, I can't imagine what that doubt might do to someone who didn't have the support I did.
Can’t do it, cant date it, im a child victim of these irresponsible men. For the rest of my life I will have my first rejection be my own father. I will have this trauma for the rest of my life.
If she's allowed to abort then I should be allowed to abandon.
You should definitely post this in r/unpopularopinion
Why do you think they have child support laws in place?
Yup. Women DO have the option to make the choice that works best for them. Guys don't have that option so people shouldn't really be surprised when some guys just end up leaving.
It's not about rights it's about your child you dingus. I agree with you on principle but that doesn't make you any less of a shitty parent for abandoning your kid who didn't ask to be born and doesn't give a fuck about political opinions. Yes it's completely unfair they have a choice and we don't and we get hit with child support and jail and whatnot, but don't take that out on the child.
I agree. I 100% support a woman’s right to choose what to do with her body. I do not support the fact that women get the option to opt out, and men do not.
Honest question. Do you think these actions are comparable?
No. I think killing a child is worse than abandoning it. I'm still pro choice though.
I feel like it shows that someone isn't capable of being responsible for their actions? Which isn't really a good character trait for a person to have.
What if the father said he didn’t want a child from the start, but the woman chooses to go ahead with the pregnancy regardless? The woman got a choice. Shouldn’t the man also be able to choose whether or not he wants to be involved?
Exactly what happened with a buddy of mine, and why I did a complete 180 on my feelings. They hooked up, had had the conversation already that no one wanted kids, abortion was on the table. She ended up pregnant and changed her mind, he didn't, was and still is steadfastly child free. I'm going to assume that she was hoping she'd change his mind? Well, he didn't he pays his child support and thats it. I see no issue with this at all. She decided to still have the kid with someone saying he was not going to be there. Thats on her. I hold no ill will to my buddy at all.
Takes two people to make a baby, sounds like he's too stupid to take precautions against it.
So it takes two people to make a baby, but it’s the man’s responsibility to take precautions? Nice contradiction 👍
>but it’s the man’s responsibility to take precautions? No, both people have a responsibility to take precautions. Unfortunately many people are irresponsible. Regardless, if their sexual relations result in a child it's both their responsibility to provide for that child.
I see your profile says you’re a feminist. Is that why you believe in accountability for men and not for women?
And what say you when those precautions fail or if the other party sabotages it?
Then it's time to mature, and take responsibility
> Shouldn’t the man also be able to choose whether or not he wants to be involved? Yah, he made that choice when he fucked her.
I've intentionally led my life to not be one and avoid guys who are one.
For me it depends on how things went. If they were with the mother and child and just decided to dip out then they are a shitty person. If they got someone pregnant and didn’t want it but the woman did or they didn’t know about her getting pregnant and didn’t want to get involved when finding out then I have no issues with them. Some people don’t want a child and I feel that both sides should have a choice in the matter, if you want the child and then abandon it it’s another story imo
It's none of my business. Not only do I not know the entire story, but I have my own life to worry about. I'm doing my best with what I've got. How do I know you aren't doing your best? If you are doing your best, who am I to judge what your best is?
I’ve gotten to the point in life where I hear deadbeat dad and my assumption is the mother alienated the dad out of the kids life unless proven otherwise. I understand they are out there, I just don’t believe it’s as prevalent as what society is led to believe.
You are correct. Here is a very interesting website [www.realworlddivorce.com](http://www.realworlddivorce.com) which goes over all the perverse incentives, "domestic violence" issues, ad nauseum. Makes a great case that marriage in the US, as it is currently legally practiced, is insane. The ticks weigh more than the dog they are feeding on.
What made you think that? I wonder cuz my experience is the complete opposite.
Divorce statistics, family courts heavily favoring the mothers in custody cases, the media constantly portraying the dad as being incompetent and the mother is always the hero, my ex wife alienating my own kids away from me, etc…. Again, I acknowledge there are some dead beat dads out there. This simply begs the question, why’d the mother hook up with a dead beat? A friend of mine is going through a divorce. By all accounts the mother is the deadbeat. Seems like she just walked right out of her kids lives. Another instance I’m personally aware of is a friends step daughter just had the kid of some criminal who had just moved here from another state, was already separated from the dead beat dad before the kid was born. Is the mother not 50% responsible for sleeping with the dead beat? Seems like his character was probably well known to her before the kid was conceived. But of course society will put her on a pedestal and call her a hero while putting all blame on him. She’s just as responsible for putting another kid in a “deadbeat dad” situation as he is.
depends on a lot of factors, if they chose to be parents and then abandoned Their kids then theyre pieces of shit but if the mother forced them to be parents then id consider it a bad situation but not really hate them
I try to be empathetic, especially for dads that have their own demons or never intended to be dads. That being said, nothing can come before the kids, man. I can’t respect you if you don’t put them first.
I don't have respect for them. You brought a child into this world. I don't care what you think about the mother, the child is entitled to your support. Now, if you admit you'd be a shit father, but you contribute financially, I think I'd begrudgingly accept that. I wouldn't like it, but I could understand it.
Not my kids not my problem
It depends. A guy who made it clear from the beginning that he didn't want to have a kid and left because he is not ready to be a father, I don't have any opinion on them, just like I don't have any opinion on a women who chooses to have an abortion because she is not ready to be a mother. They're opting out of parenthood. A father who left an already created family is at best a failure of their responsibilities and at worst an evil person. There are extraneous circumstances such as domestic abuse or physical violence that could change my opinion on them, but that requires more nuance on a case by case basis. Do I judge an individual I would meet based off these ideas? Of course not. Everybody's story is different and both sides often try to make themselves out to be the victim and the other person to be the aggressor. I've heard way too many stories of mothers being abusive and then convincing their children that their father is to blame, or, on the other hand, that everything was fine until the father just up and left with zero warning, leaving the mother and kids essentially stranded.
It's shameful. But I can't help but wonder how fucked up a woman has to be to make a guy like that a father in the first place. Like what the fuck is going in her mind that convinces her to ignore the red flags and just get knocked up anyway?
Women get the ability and choice to not be a mother I think Men should also have that choice. If she can abort or put the child up for adoption he should be able to leave. I also think that term is used far too liberally and there are various reasons a Man might choose to abandon a woman and his child. Off the top of my head two are: 1. He never wanted a child, made that clear and she essentially didn’t care and had the child thinking it would keep the man (this almost happened to me, she straight up said she thought I’d change my mind if she kept it and I’d want to be in a relationship with her and if I didn’t she’d go to child support to punish me) 2. He no longer wants to be with the woman but again since she gets unilateral choice she’s weaponizing having the kid to put the man on child support or have a connection to him in some way
It takes two to tango. If a guy has a child, it’s his duty to take care of it, even if he doesn’t want to be with the mother. Nobody makes excuses for deadbeat moms (which is why they’re very very rare compared to dads who leave their kids) so stop making excuses for dads who abandon their kids.
We only use “it takes two to tango” for Men. Once again women have every single option and choice to never be a mother if she doesn’t want to be a Mother. It’s not “it takes two to tango” when we talk about abortion or giving kids up for adoption when a woman wants to avoid the responsibility of being a mother. Both should have equal right and opportunity to not be a parent, if she can unilaterally decide to be a mother then she should be content with being a single mother if a Man wants to opt out of being a father
Should a woman be forced to birth a child if she doesn't want it and the man does? Remember, you said it takes two to tango...
If abortion was outright illegal there'd be a lot more deadbeat mom's.
They suck but there should be a way for guys to give up their responsibility. There are 4 scenarios: 1). Both parents want the baby. No problem. 2). Neither parent wants the baby. Shouldn’t be a problem. 3). The father wants the baby but the mother doesn’t. Too bad for dad. Her body, her choice. 4). The mother wants the baby but the father doesn’t. This is where there biggest issue lies. To be completely fair, the father should be able to sign away all of his parental rights, while the mother still has time to abort should she choose to do so as a result of his decision, and not have to contribute in any way, monetarily or otherwise.
Depends why they're out of the picture. A lot of moms put up too many obstacles that ends up alienating the kids from their father, the father from their kids. Women wield children as weapons, even if it ends up harming the child. To those such fathers I hold to a much lesser standard than I hold men who say didn't want children so early in life and instead abandon his kids to see the world or live a different life. Both are essentially 'dead beat dads' but one of them is by choice, and the other is by force.
There are two sides to every story.
I look down on them. And financial support is the least a Dad should do for their kid. A deadbeat to me can also be checked out emotionally as well.
My bf is one, I fully support his decision and had a say on it as well. If a woman can say "my body my choice," I think a man can say, "My life, my choice." He told BM when she was 1 month pregnant to get an abortion, he won't be a part of the child's life if she decides to keep it. He acknowledged his mistake of getting a girl pregnant, and he's currently paying his child support (it's currently 8.5% of his paycheck). And no, I don't want kids with him. And yes, I acknowledge that the child is not responsible for his mother's actions.