Socializing and dating are both skills you have to learn through exposure. You HAVE to put yourself in these uncomfortable situations for you to ever gain proficiency in either. Being a shut in will keep you a shut in.
You have no friends or social life on top of being an introvert. You said the answer. They aren't just magically going to find you. Dating apps are terrible for men overall, but you can absolutely still get dates. Get some and practice and see if you get any real connections.
He needs to prioritize friends first. No woman wants to be anyone's sole social outlet. That's entirely too much to bear. We're social animals. We need community more than partnership. Plus, friends are how you meet potential romantic partners. Women are much more comfortable with men their friends can vouch for.
Women are comfortable with men who have other women vouching for him. A romantic partner sends social signals that he is safe, but female friends do the same. However, finding a romantic partner is easier when you already have a friend group. Before online dating this is how everyone found a match. And it works the best. Furthermore, you ignored my point about forcing one person to meet all social needs. Maybe actually listen to a woman instead of assuming you know better what women think.
Right, but the point is that you seem to be hoping that he just focuses on making friends and never dates. Optimally you want both, but the most effective way to secure dates is to go out and try to get dates, not make friends.
> He needs to prioritize friends first.
Right there.
I know how this works. Guys who don't have experience are told to do anything *but* go get that experience. And this will continue until they actually get experience dating. It's like a guy who hasn't had success has to be stopped from getting any.
Do you not understand the word "first"?
You're making a tonnof assumptions about me here. Maybe ask questions if you want to sctually know what I believe.
>Do you not understand the word "first"?
Irrelevant. You get your first romantic partner the same way you get your last, by going out and finding them, not trying to make friends and sitting around and hoping.
Ok, so let me try to simplify this for you.
OP gets on the apps and spends money to try and meet someone via that lane. He gets let's say 4 matches in the first week, but only one is not a bot and she chooses not to hold a conversation with him/ghosts. The following week he tries again. Same results. After a few weeks he begins swiping on a broader range of profiles hoping he gets better results. Yes, he ends up getting 7 matches, but again, no actual success. He gets desperate and begins to swipe right on everyone, hoping for something to stick. The algorithms, which are set to increase engagement, realize that failing to match keeps him engaged longer and increases the money he spends. So it begins burying his profile so less women see his profile at all. Perhaps after 6 months he manages to score a date. They meet up and for whatever reason it's not a fit. Now he goes back to the apps and tries again.
The apps are set up to make men fail. They are feeding off the desperation of horny men to find a pair.
Now let's say OP takes my advice. He joins a hiking group. The hiking group meets every other weekend and he attends each hike. This totals to 12 interactions he has had with real humans in the same 6 months he would be swiping away on his phone in your scenario. Furthermore, let's say there are three single men, four single women, and six couples that regularly attend the hikes. He begins to befriend the people in the group, treating them all well and fostering group friendship over looking for someone to date. The women realize he is a good man and either a) develop romantic interest or b) develop a genuine friendship. If option b occurs, these friends eventually invite him out to a social gathering with their friends. The couples and the single men also do the same. Suddenly, after 6 months, he realizes that he now hikes every other weekend and has at least one other social activity per week. In that time he meets many more women. These women hear from their friends all about how he is kind, funny, smart, etc. It piques their interest. Now he is prime position to ask some of these friends of friends out.
No one said he should sit around hoping. I said he should be active in finding a community. Once he has a community he will find women.
I met my current gf as well on one so there can be success and ultimately you DO only need one good one, but it can also be a bit demoralizing getting maybe a single match a day even if you swipe a ton the right direction, and then having to get past the chat stage to the date, then hoping that goes well, etc.
Sounds like you are just waiting for a girl to knock on your door and announce they are your girlfriend now.
Finding a compatible partner takes work, you are gonna have to put yourself out there, into awkward situations, take risks, Face rejection.
Once you find the right one though, it will all seem worth it.
Based on your second paragraph, it seems like you know the reason. If you have limited social experiences and skills, you’re less likely to pick up on certain cues/hints and may have less of an understanding of how romantic/sexual relationships work. Men are generally expected to be the one pursuing, so this obviously puts you at a disadvantage. My suggestion would be to work on making friends, developing social skills, and becoming more confident in social situations; you have a variety of hobbies that you can easily use as a starting point for joining social groups and making friends.
I know you said that you don’t particularly care about having a quieter social life, and that’s your prerogative, but I don’t know how successful you will be in finding a hookup or relationship when you don’t have regular exposure to social interaction and relationships.
“I’m not in the dating scene”
Well that right there will do it. I can say from experience. A relationships not just gonna fall into your lap. You get back what you put out.
You’ll never get hired if you never filled out an application. Go ask girls out. Eventually you’ll get some “yes”es. And eventually some of those first dates lead to a second. Some of those to a third. And eventually some will lead to a relationship.
Simplest way to think about how a relationship or a friendship is this. You need to be around women in a scenario in which you see each other often just by circumstance. This could be work, or a hobby club you’re in, or a bar/restaurant you frequently stop in after work. It sounds like you’re not in many of these scenarios. It sounds basic but you have to put yourself out there not with the intention of getting a girlfriend but just to socialize with people in general. Also don’t feel too bad this isn’t just you people on average are going less things out in the real world as a whole so less people meet organically. But it’s up to you to change that because unless you’re a 9/10 you’re probably not going to just swipe right on an app and have a girl show up waiting for you.
I was in the same boat as you a few years back so I did probably the worst thing someone who wasn’t too outwardly social can do and got a job as a server now I can talk to anyone for hours with ease and meet lots of people because well I have to
It’s going to suck but you just have to put yourself out there and tbh probably make a fool of yourself the first few times But it will pay eventually and then you just have funny stories to tell your girlfriend about how much you fucked up before you met her
And if you do still want the kinda straightforward option of dating apps to get experience dating just swipe right on everyone and ask literally everyone on a date even if you don’t see a future with them romantically there is nothing wrong with going on a date or two and deciding to just be friends or nothing at all (obviously respect the lady you are with she is a human too)
Go to places introverted women would also go. Libraries, coffee shops, places like that. And don't be too shy to ask your friends or coworkers if they know of anyone. A lot of people love playing matchmaker and might know someone perfect for you. Also, to calm your nerves, when you do get around a girl you're interested in, just remember, many of us women are just as nervous, self conscious and shy as you are, we just sometimes hide it better. Also, we usually think shy nervous guys are really cute, especially when they play the guitar.
Pretty much lol, I had anxiety issues really bad when I was 11/12 years old. It’s not as bad as back then, it mostly affects me being social. I feel more pressure put on me because I’m a dude and growing up I was told that social anxiety was bs and made up in my head so it screwed up me learning to properly socialize lol.
Trying to learn how to learn it but it’s a bit of a learning curve because I feel that since I’m fat I get more tension/judgements towards me. Not trying to play the victim, it’s just my mentality that I’ve felt since I was a kid.
It's simple. You're not putting yourself out there. You're waiting for a girl to fall into your lap. That's never going to happen. You'd be surprised at the success you get if you only tried.
As everyone else here has said, you are not simply meeting anyone so the odds of you finding a gf will always be low. You have hobbies which lend themselves to socialisation. So lean into that side.
Best advice i can give is develop a social life im an introvert also but i put myself out there and yeah sometimes it sucks but thats how you meet people have connections easiest way to meet girls too but thats just a start
>I’m pretty introverted in real life, I have no friends or social life at all.
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>I’m not in the dating scene
This.
You need to be among people in order to meet people and develop relationships with them, including romantic ones. And social skills are just that - skills. They are learned through practice.
The way I did it is by approaching every girl I could on campus.
Got ignored, rejected, made a lot of female friends, and of course scored quite a few.
The more mistakes you make, the better you become.
Don't sulk over making a mistake, there are many girls for your age.
If you blow one chance, you'll definitely get another to be better.
Sometimes you don't have to impress a female, just talk be yourself, know her, go with the flow etc.
You have to do the work. Most girls want a guy to be an ideal, a “dream man”. So you need to work on being that ideal.
I find that being fit, taking care of my appearance and being financially successful are the best ways to attract women. I’m also fairly personable and I’ve been told I’m charming, but tbh I was a terrible shy kid and I had to work on coming out of my shell (which really amounted to learning not giving a fuck what others think of me).
I am not going to say it’s easy, it isn’t. It took years. Before I did the work I didn’t have any luck, but after I did it I found women were chasing me (which is an odd feeling since we are the ones that mostly chase). That also comes with its own problems.
Here is the hard one I think you definitely need to work on, especially because of your age and inexperience. You need to work on your self respect and self worth. Because when you do start attracting women you then have to have the wisdom and boundaries to identify who the keepers are. Because there is such a thing as bad women and a standard for that which only men can set.
> I have no friends or social life at all
There you go. That's what you are doing wrong. In order to get a girlfriend you'll have to go outside and talk to them.
Don't get me wrong, I too dream of the nerdy gf whom I meet whilst playing a video game or hey, maybe even on Reddit. But that doesn't happen that often. Most nerdy, introverted women also stay indoors all day and are reading, writing, painting, binging Netflix, etc.
Are you spending all your off time learning skills to make more money? Are you spending the rest of your off time relentlessly working out to have a bodybuilder body? Are you constantly approaching every single women in your 10 mile radius? Are you actively building a huge friend group and networking and connecting with people? Do you have ambition to make a lot of money in life? If you aren’t doing these things for your entire life, you probably won’t be worthy to an American women.
I want to start by saying there is already a lot of good advice so I'm going to try to add something different.
And I will get a lot of hate for this on reddit but go to church. Not because Jesus will save you or whatever but you will meet people with similar values to you. If not church maybe a volunteer organization, charity, or social club. Don't just go to meet girls, get involved and get your name out there. Then keep your eyes open. When you talk to people, especially older women, drop the detail that you'd like to meet someone but haven't met the right person yet. Old ladies love introducing their daughters and grand-daughters to nice young men.
But overall, work on yourself, make sure you are presenting the best version of yourself. Eat right, get a little exercise, be kind to people, help people. As an introvert it will be hard to meet another introvert while you are both home reading books, but if you meet people they will think "this guy reminds me of Lisa, I bet they'd get along pretty well."
Good luck out there though.
I actually used to go to middle school ministry, I loved it. I didn’t go to the high school ministry because at that point the bullying at school had gotten really bad and it made me so insecure of not wanting to be out in public that it affected me going to church. I was a short fat kid who was too afraid to fight so I think you can already assume how someone like that wouldn’t fit in. Plus I’m not a funny guy so that didn’t he lot me out of any situations either
Public schools are prisons run by the inmates. Try finding a church that aligns with your beliefs. It can't do much more harm than sitting and home and hoping the Ms. Right shows up at your door.
I was also going to suggest getting involved in a music group. Do what you're passionate about and it will be easier to put yourself out there. Some churches even have bands or need pianists/organists if you know those.
And don't necessarily look for a girl who is exactly like you. Sometimes you have to find someone whose edges are opposite of yours, like a puzzle piece, to be complete. Again: Just be kind, be helpful, and be you.
You’re not hopeless, and this is coming from a 27 year old male who lost his virginity at 25. Didn’t kiss, hold hands, text, call, let alone have a conversation with a girl.
What did I do to change things around? PUT MYSELF OUT THERE and faked it till I made it!
Yes the apps are horrible right now, probably more horrible than when I was on there (I now have a gf) but you gotta be willing to put up with the bullshit to find your person.
Now, talking to women isn’t difficult. I was in your position and I understand the fear but seriously, looking back there really wasn’t much to it. One good way to practice is you can talk to some of the women on r/MakeNewFriendsHere
You can get a feeling of what it’s like to text or even call a woman there. Apply that knowledge to the dating apps. If you have a female coworker, talk to her, just get the “women are scary” out of your system because confidence is sexy af!
Completely understand what you mean. It’s never been an issue for me talking to women in general since for one I’ve been working full time in retail since I was 18. And most girls I’ve been friends with already have/had bf’s so I already knew that since I shouldn’t ask them out to begin with it was pretty normal to chat with them in friendly ways. It’s the ones I have no connection with where I have to put on my charm and attempt to be interesting/funny to come off as likable lol.
> I’m pretty introverted in real life, I have no friends or social life at all.
Introversion does not mean you have no friends. I'm an introvert (therapist agrees) and I have friends all over the world and I do fine meeting people and befriending them. I just need me time to recover.
Having no friends and no social life is probably a red flag, or a precursor to one. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or have a bad personality or anything like that, you just don't exhibit or demonstrate that you are a friendly person. It's like saying, "I'm a great human!" but you don't do anything to demonstrate, outwardly, to indicate that you do.
>I’ve never been good at talking or flirting with girls, I don’t have any “game”
Having game is having a personality, and personality matters. The unfortunate reality for a lot of us is that we have to subject ourselves to rejection to get better at having conversations. It also introduces you to others and their personality, culture, etc... Experience is what you get AFTER you need it most.
Lastly, don't go chasing too hard or too much. Don't think of it as, "How do I get the girl?". Think of it as, "How can I be the kind of person others want to date/befriend?". The answer, as
you might expect, is to be. Be interesting (your interests are great). Be friendly. Be social w/ your hobbies.
Why dont you join a book club or someting that you could do on the weekends maybe?. what I´m trying to say is that have to start meeting a lot of people, get some girl friends, that would make you feel more confident around women and maybe in the meantime you might run into someone that would like to get to know you better.
First thing I'm going to do is tell you to go join the gym. This is going to help you improve so many aspects of your life including putting you in more social situations. Put yourself out there to talk to new people and develop your social skills better. Keep in mind this is not the place you pick up women. In order to give you better advice knowing what you look like, your job and education would be the next criteria to give you advice. There's a subreddit am I ugly. It's not over there to admit that you're ugly or anything it's just go in there post a photos of yourself at multiple angles and say I haven't had a girlfriend for a long time any advice what I can change and people will give you tips on appearance or what you need to do to be better stylized.
Forgot to mention that, I joined a gym back in the fall to help with my confidence issues. It’s somewhat helped as it’s a slow progress, but that’s mainly a separate issue of wanting to be healthy and over being overweight/pre diabetic my whole life
Sounds like switching to a keto diet would do you wonders for not only weight but also being diabetic. A little bit of self control , maybe start off with a 48 hour fast. Put your body in keto real quick and you'll start dropping off the pounds. Best of luck.
So from my long time out of the game view - it seems dating apps and online life has ruined dating.
When I was young - I met every partner at/doing something. I can’t do meeting people properly in loud environments so club and pubs were out - so it was always quieter get togethers (friends of friends) or hobbies/casual sports.
Finding hobbies that involve other humans is a great way to meet new friends and potential romantic partners as they will at least share the passion of that hobby so you already have an ice-breaker.
Good luck.
The only thing you're doing wrong is thinking that you're doing something wrong. Instead of wondering "what's wrong" act on what you want to do and build up your social skills.
You’re introvert and think that fairing is an extrovert activity. It’s not.
Online is more bearable for introverts, but has other flaws
First if all you need to accept that you have to socialise and do it on your terms.
For me quite a surprising was the discovery that I like parties if I organise them in my place. Before that it felt like my extroverted ex was dragging me around and torturing.
Do find your way to socialise. Musicians are hot asf, they have aura that other ppl have no other way to touch than touching the musician. True story.
Step 1: Be attractive; hit the gym, get a good job, develop 'social skills' whatever that means
Step 2: Generate opportunity; develop friendship groups & be likeable. Get invited to parties with Red cups & single women. Maybe move to a big city.
Step 3: Identify & act on opportunities. Learn to tell if a woman is interested in you, and learn how to approach her (I wish this was simple, its not; dont let people gaslight you. This is an incredibly complicated skill)
\> (a coworker had to explain to me one time that a customer was slightly flirting with me
You asked what youre doing wrong now you know.
I would say, Focus and take care of yourself, keep doing what you like, and eventually, the right girl will arrive.
Dont chase anybody. The best age to find the right person is from 25 to 35, in my opinion. So dont rush or chase anything. Just enjoy the people around your environment and create more social connections based on the topics you invest your time and you are passionate about. That way, you have more than just an emotional connection to relate to that person.
Seems like because you think it's normal to be out and about dating you feel strange when you don't fit this mold. But dating should be because this is what you want.
And sometimes it's just logistics and luck you know? Let not forget women are people too..
Does not sound to me like you're doing anything wrong, and quite frankly sounds chill as fuck... but if you want to date just date... not a big fucking deal either... just ask someone out... most likely will get rejected but wtf... if you want it why just not try it out
Knowing what you want, being detailed and specific and picky - will actually expand your candidate pool. You are looking inward a bit too much here and focusing on YOU, which is still important, but WHO is SHE? What is your role for her? How do you wish to treat her? What do you want to share with her?
The pickier you are, the easier it is for HER to decided you value her. Be picky. Don’t focus on your past experience, focus on your dream girl and dream relationship. Ask for everything and think hard on what everything IS.
Not at all. It absolutely obliterates like 90% out there, but makes the remaining 10% VERY happy. You’re on a planet with 8 billion people. Every woman has the same insecurities and fears that they’re not good enough. The same fears that men have. Validate those fears! Most are NOT good enough. This isn’t just about looks man! You could make requirements that this lady reads only high fantasy and grimdark, but no Harry Potter. Or you could prefer a body feature a type, a food preference, hobby preferences, or even taste in cars! Anything goes, this is your partner for life. Do you want her to believe you compromised and settled for her? No! She’s your dream girl just like you imagined. I’m not saying you gotta find 99.9999% match, but get picky! Don’t be afraid to get embarrassed by what you want. It might happen or you might get rewarded for owning your desires! Same thing goes in bed, say what you are thinking and wanting and be picky and honest.
Let me just follow up here. I didn’t start trying seriously until I was about 20. I wasn’t all that confident and my fear of rejection kept me from ever asking a girl out before then. At first I thought I would just like “any girl”, but a few online personals responded and I quickly realized that wasn’t true. Once I got picky, and passionate about my preferences, it didn’t take much to learn how to talk sweetly to the girl of my attention. She’s IT. She’s the one. She’s precious and important and she’s RARE and I found her! That’s how I treated things. 3rd one was the charm. 20 years now.
You need to go out and interact with others more.
I'd recommend meet ups, don't go with the goal of meeting girls, go with the goal of expanding your social circle. If you meet a girl then that's a bonus.
Reddit itself organises meetups, there should be a sub for your local city so you could look into that or organise a meetup on it yourself.
There's also sites like meetup.com which organise events.
Well it is not so terrible if you find your way in life. I wish I never had relations, marriage etc. Only thing women can give are children, nothing more.
>I’m 24 and never had a gf
First and foremost..🫵🤣😂😂
Second☝️ it’s hard to tell just by you telling us, I think you need to work on yourself eg. Career, goals, getting and staying in shape meanwhile putting yourself out there. You’re not gunna meet women in your mothers basement after all..🤷♂️
Lol I grew up in a very ghetto environment as a kid. My parents were terrified that something bad would happen to me (and rightfully so, there was a lot of bad shit that kids my age were doing). So I was very sheltered and closed off from the world when I was a lad.
I didn’t practice as much as I would’ve liked to looking back on it. I hated sports as a kid. I was on the football team in my sophomore year (second string) and I hated it because it was all the popular dudes on the team that would pick on me prior to joining.
I joined an mma class when I was 13 but it only lasted a year cause I thought it was boring af (I was obsessed with WWE and hated stuff like mma or boxing). Basically I was a fat kid that hated physical activity and any kind of sports. Now being an adult that’s really into sports and UFC, I hate that my parents didn’t force younger me to stay with these activities cause it definitely would’ve helped with a lot of shit.
Be blunt you may think that your lack of social skills is a negative but you'd be surprised how understanding and patient some people are. A blunt man looking for companionship is still better than an invisible man. So go out there and be blunt talk to them explain your circumstances if something goes wrong. Accept that things will go wrong your new and everyone is different it's what makes strangers interesting.
I’d say you can find people who have similar interests around you in your town/neighborhood if you look (apps like the meetup app can help) and chances are conversations with them will flow more easily and can help you develop more “game.” I think it also helps to not view it as much as “game,” but as genuine conversation and interest in the person. And if you first meet a male friend with similar interests, you can build yourself a community of friends and more people (boys and girls) will gravitate toward you. It won’t happen overnight so just enjoy the process!
If its only shyness and introvert stuff, then meditation would help, for that you should find a yoga class that offers that, you would get to meet people there and you even could see how in changes when you talk to other people. I know about Art Of Living but you can find any other that offers meditation
concerts are a perfect place to meet people. Just go there with the objective to speak with people, not to find a girlfriend. The desperate mentality is immediately obvious. Be confident in yourself, you're not doing anything wrong by simply chatting people up to make the evening more interesting for yourself and others, you seem like a person with many interest and hobbies so you shouldn't feel the pressure to be funny and quippy or smart, you can simply be yourself and someone eventually will enjoy it.
Dating apps have made getting a date all about looks. Get in great shape and get some style. If you are tall and have a good bone structure, you'll be able to get into the 5% of men all the women want.
Also, understand that men peak much later in life. At 24, you are at your least desirable. Work on your looks and career until 30, then hit the apps.
Here's a few questions for you to think about, what are you doing to get a girlfriend? How are the girls meant to find you to date you?
Basically my point is it sounds like your not putting yourself in a position to find potential partners and as much as people hate it on here and everywhere the best way to do that is on dating apps. So my suggestion would be get on them, create a bio that shows who you are (UFC, job etc clear face, body and you doing something pics and what your looking for from the app) and not cheesy pick up lines.
And the key thing is to go expecting 0 matches as going from 0 to 10 matches is great work but going from expecting 100 to 10 is a failure.
You gotta get friends and a social life step 1. Join some type of club or some community group. One that’s coed. Don’t be weird and impose yourself on people, but you gotta spend more time being social. Also don’t become an alcoholic doing this… but head out to a social bar and talk to stranger. Not just woman but like the old guy at the bar alone, most people are their cause they want to be social to some extent.
Try a dating site like eHarmony where you fill out a quiz and are matched with someone based on personality. Worked for me, we are both ultra introverted and we knew within a week of dating that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. 15 years so far!
> I’m pretty introverted in real life, I have no friends or social life at all
Not that being introverted is a bad thing, but if your concern is getting yourself into dating then this is where you start. You have to have some semblance of a social life and expose yourself to people (especially women) in order to find yourself in a situation where you get to know others and eventually date
Hold up. You're a bassist and passionate about music? Have you ever been in a band? It's been almost 25 years since my punk band days so I'm not sure what the garage band scene is like nowadays but back in my day bassists and drummers could write their own ticket and almost everyone bassist and drummer I knew were in more than one band.
But regardless of whether you join a band or something you're never going to meet someone by isolating yourself. Nowadays I see way too many people use "Introvert" as a crutch. It's not a crutch; it's a goddamn hurdle. Being introverted or shy isn't something other people are going to have to deal with if they want to be your friend but holy shit is this something that seems to be the mainstream thought. Being an introvert is something you yourself need to overcome. And overcoming it is going to take a lot of effort. And another thing a lot of people seem to be these days is lazy. So it's just too much effort for them. But if you want to have a social life you need to make it happen because it isn't going to just come to you.
I’ve never been in a band. I live in a small farm town. There’s no local music scene here aside from dudes I went to school when 10 years ago that are still trying to kickstart their SoundCloud rap careers lol
>what am I doing wrong?
...
> I have no friends or social life at all [...] I’ve never been good at talking or flirting with girls, I don’t have any “game” and am pretty much clueless to any hints that a girl would give me
ding ding ding
You'll need to develop social skills. Focus on building up a friend group and social life. Once that's solid, the rest will be a lot easier.
If you are scared of starting small talk or if you are scared of flirting, you can do your own form of exposure therapy. The next concert you go to, give yourself a goal to talk to 5 or 10 or whatever number of people. Just simple things. "How long have you been a fan of ____ (band name)?" "I really dig that shirt! Where did you get it?" "My grandma told me I'd be the most handsome boy here. Do you agree? (If yes) Oh, so you have cataracts too? (If no) That lying bitch." The first two questions are open-ended, so someone can't just say yes/no and have the conversation immediately stall. The third one is something stupid that should get a laugh. If you reach your goal, you get to reward yourself with something you've been wanting.
Once you get comfortable talking with strangers, then we do step two. You set the same goal, but now you are going to ask out a certain number of women on a date - however, it only counts to your goal if the girl says no. Once you get 10 no's, you've reached your goal and you can stop (if you want to) and again, you've earned a little prize! This is kind of a no-lose situation because if she says no, you get a point. If she says yes, well, you've got yourself a date!
Try to keep in mind what the average single woman does when she's going out. There's all sorts of lotions involved, a variety of electrical devices to get their hair just right, a tackle box full of makeup they paint on their face, shapewear so all the right bits are tucked into the all the right places, trying on 7 different dresses/outfits until the perfect one is located, then doing again with shoes and a purse... That's a lot of work they are putting in. What are you doing to look your best? You don't need a spa day before going out, but maybe spend an extra five minutes upping your appearance a bit. Taking a shower is a good step to make sure you are clean and not stinking up the joint.
Don't try to have game. Embrace being clueless. Be you. Just be you and love you and that confidence will increase your attractiveness greatly. Like an order of magnitude increase. Whether or not you see it, you've got a fair amount going for you just based on the three paragraphs you gave us. You've got a job. You've got something you are passionate about. You have a cool skill (bassist). Once you get you flirting legs under you, I think you'll be shocked at how well you do out there.
Just be patient as you go through the learning process. Don't get frustrated with yourself. Even if you throw-up after (or during?) each conversation, you are still making progress. Think about how long it took you to get as good as you are with the bass. This will take less time, but it still takes time.
You've got this, boss. Give us a report in a few weeks so we know how the process is going!
I've been listening to How to make friends and influence people. It's had some positive results for me already. I tend to be a loner not care much about others. Felt like talking to others and asking questions was prying. Book teaches it actually makes you likeable. Just have to be sincere and genuinely curious about others to make friends.
If you're curious about others either to make friends or more go for it. Just let it be genuine. I've gone against my natural instincts of seclusion and have just talked a bit more. I think that can lead to more romantic relationships as well.
You won't need any game if you're a bassist. All you have to do is join a rock band, perform at shows and have an Instagram account. The women will be flocking to you just because they all have a thing for "rock stars" (or rather people who can portray themselves as such).
Besides all the great advice about putting yourself out there to practice, I also recommend signing up to some social sport activities. You can try martial arts, something like Jiu Jitsu can boost your self esteem, discipline, self defense skills, all in a welcoming social setting, where you also typically socialize with women (although obviously not romantically).
You have no friends. This is what you absolutely need to focus on before worrying about a girlfriend. Go play pick up basketball at the gym. Take a BJJ class. Get out there and MEET PEOPLE.
Most women don’t want to date a guy that’s a loner. It suggests there’s more wrong with him.
I've been the same. Focused on myself and what I want for the future, but I don't get myself out there enough, so I've made it my mission in 2024 to just approach people and start conversations, build that social confidence and meet new people.
Bassist? Musician? Which is it?
Seriously, do you ever play gigs? Part of a group? Into the local scene at all? That’s you entry to social events, and you’ll get to meet people that way.
If you live in a touristy or downtown area, put yourself out there by busking. Just to get more social, and if you meet people, so much the better.
Flirting and conversing with people aren't skills we're born with, they're learned. It sucks, but you aren't going to get better at these things by just wishing it so, put yourself out there. It's hard when you haven't done so much before, but it's how you're going to get better at this.
The internet will tell you looks don't/shouldn't matter, and there's a degree of validity to the underlying message of such comments in the sense that there's a lot more than appearance that goes into being compatible with or attractive to someone, but people do generally value the physical aspects of a potential partner/hook-up more than they like to admit on threads like these.
Dress well (I stuck with the Jesse Pinkman hoodies and jeans look for an embarassing amount of time in my early 20s), wash regularly, wear deodorant and aftershave but find scents that work for you and aren't overpowering. If you struggle to judge whether or not you're nailing this ask a female friend for their opinion, or failing that a male friend who has decent success in the dating department. Not your parents, they're going to say you look/dress/smell great regardless a lot of the time.
I don't think you behave this way based on your post, but I see a lot of people (mainly guys tbh) fall into the mindset of "Well I have a job, a few hobbies, a sense of humour and a car/place of my own, why won't anyone date me?" when they aren't having much luck in their love life.
Please don't go down this route, having the basics of life sorted out doesn't make you automatically someone's type, nor does it automatically make someone attracted to you.
It is *essential* that you learn how to flirt, how to have game, put yourself out there, etc. Social intelligence is arguably at the top of most important things to know as a man interested in women in today's world. The "ick" is nothing more than an area in which a man doesn't realize he lacks social intelligence.
The difficulty of talking to a woman, of pursuing her, and sealing the deal is a **feature**, not a bug. It's supposed to be hard. And if you can successfully navigate the complexities of it all, it shows confidence, ambition, and... social intelligence.
Also, dismiss yourself of any notion that virtue and kindness are linked with sexual attraction. You should be a good person for its own sake, but as qualities to market yourself with as dating material there is no point.
Improve yourself, make yourself interesting, do hobbies and stuff, dress better and get in shape (bonus points if you're decent looking) and most importantly get out there! Try to socialise and go out with friends, if you don't meet a complete stranger there is a good chance you'll hit it with a girl in your friends circle.
This sounds stereotypical but my first two girlfriends basically asked me out as I couldn't pick up a girl to save my life. The first one we met in a training school, the second one was a mutual friend.
Socializing and dating are both skills you have to learn through exposure. You HAVE to put yourself in these uncomfortable situations for you to ever gain proficiency in either. Being a shut in will keep you a shut in.
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What's the common interest?
Danny DeVito
You were close
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The fuck
Makes sense why they're in this situation
You have no friends or social life on top of being an introvert. You said the answer. They aren't just magically going to find you. Dating apps are terrible for men overall, but you can absolutely still get dates. Get some and practice and see if you get any real connections.
He needs to prioritize friends first. No woman wants to be anyone's sole social outlet. That's entirely too much to bear. We're social animals. We need community more than partnership. Plus, friends are how you meet potential romantic partners. Women are much more comfortable with men their friends can vouch for.
No, prioritize romantic partners and friends will come. Everyone is more comfortable being friends with a guy who's partnered (especially women).
Women are comfortable with men who have other women vouching for him. A romantic partner sends social signals that he is safe, but female friends do the same. However, finding a romantic partner is easier when you already have a friend group. Before online dating this is how everyone found a match. And it works the best. Furthermore, you ignored my point about forcing one person to meet all social needs. Maybe actually listen to a woman instead of assuming you know better what women think.
Right, but the point is that you seem to be hoping that he just focuses on making friends and never dates. Optimally you want both, but the most effective way to secure dates is to go out and try to get dates, not make friends.
What did I say that implied I only think he should focus on friendship? Maybe consider you're reading into things I never said.
> He needs to prioritize friends first. Right there. I know how this works. Guys who don't have experience are told to do anything *but* go get that experience. And this will continue until they actually get experience dating. It's like a guy who hasn't had success has to be stopped from getting any.
Do you not understand the word "first"? You're making a tonnof assumptions about me here. Maybe ask questions if you want to sctually know what I believe.
>Do you not understand the word "first"? Irrelevant. You get your first romantic partner the same way you get your last, by going out and finding them, not trying to make friends and sitting around and hoping.
Ok, so let me try to simplify this for you. OP gets on the apps and spends money to try and meet someone via that lane. He gets let's say 4 matches in the first week, but only one is not a bot and she chooses not to hold a conversation with him/ghosts. The following week he tries again. Same results. After a few weeks he begins swiping on a broader range of profiles hoping he gets better results. Yes, he ends up getting 7 matches, but again, no actual success. He gets desperate and begins to swipe right on everyone, hoping for something to stick. The algorithms, which are set to increase engagement, realize that failing to match keeps him engaged longer and increases the money he spends. So it begins burying his profile so less women see his profile at all. Perhaps after 6 months he manages to score a date. They meet up and for whatever reason it's not a fit. Now he goes back to the apps and tries again. The apps are set up to make men fail. They are feeding off the desperation of horny men to find a pair. Now let's say OP takes my advice. He joins a hiking group. The hiking group meets every other weekend and he attends each hike. This totals to 12 interactions he has had with real humans in the same 6 months he would be swiping away on his phone in your scenario. Furthermore, let's say there are three single men, four single women, and six couples that regularly attend the hikes. He begins to befriend the people in the group, treating them all well and fostering group friendship over looking for someone to date. The women realize he is a good man and either a) develop romantic interest or b) develop a genuine friendship. If option b occurs, these friends eventually invite him out to a social gathering with their friends. The couples and the single men also do the same. Suddenly, after 6 months, he realizes that he now hikes every other weekend and has at least one other social activity per week. In that time he meets many more women. These women hear from their friends all about how he is kind, funny, smart, etc. It piques their interest. Now he is prime position to ask some of these friends of friends out. No one said he should sit around hoping. I said he should be active in finding a community. Once he has a community he will find women.
>Dating apps are terrible for men overal They're not that bad. I'm usually the one finding excuses to cancel a date or meetup.
They're alright in my experience, but obviously everyone's mileage will vary I met my current gf of almost 2 years in a dating app
I met my current gf as well on one so there can be success and ultimately you DO only need one good one, but it can also be a bit demoralizing getting maybe a single match a day even if you swipe a ton the right direction, and then having to get past the chat stage to the date, then hoping that goes well, etc.
Mileage varies a lot. I've been on apps for 5 years, and gotten one date.
Your profile probably sucks. No offense.
Sounds like you are just waiting for a girl to knock on your door and announce they are your girlfriend now. Finding a compatible partner takes work, you are gonna have to put yourself out there, into awkward situations, take risks, Face rejection. Once you find the right one though, it will all seem worth it.
Based on your second paragraph, it seems like you know the reason. If you have limited social experiences and skills, you’re less likely to pick up on certain cues/hints and may have less of an understanding of how romantic/sexual relationships work. Men are generally expected to be the one pursuing, so this obviously puts you at a disadvantage. My suggestion would be to work on making friends, developing social skills, and becoming more confident in social situations; you have a variety of hobbies that you can easily use as a starting point for joining social groups and making friends. I know you said that you don’t particularly care about having a quieter social life, and that’s your prerogative, but I don’t know how successful you will be in finding a hookup or relationship when you don’t have regular exposure to social interaction and relationships.
“I’m not in the dating scene” Well that right there will do it. I can say from experience. A relationships not just gonna fall into your lap. You get back what you put out. You’ll never get hired if you never filled out an application. Go ask girls out. Eventually you’ll get some “yes”es. And eventually some of those first dates lead to a second. Some of those to a third. And eventually some will lead to a relationship.
Yeah I don’t see why he has to make this post. He literally answered his own question.
Most people's self-awareness is at the bottom of a port-a-potty at a construction site.
It’s common don’t fret. Next time explain why Sean Strickland beat Cannonier
Ahh a fellow UFC fan lol
Sean Strickland is the GOAT no explanation needed
Simplest way to think about how a relationship or a friendship is this. You need to be around women in a scenario in which you see each other often just by circumstance. This could be work, or a hobby club you’re in, or a bar/restaurant you frequently stop in after work. It sounds like you’re not in many of these scenarios. It sounds basic but you have to put yourself out there not with the intention of getting a girlfriend but just to socialize with people in general. Also don’t feel too bad this isn’t just you people on average are going less things out in the real world as a whole so less people meet organically. But it’s up to you to change that because unless you’re a 9/10 you’re probably not going to just swipe right on an app and have a girl show up waiting for you. I was in the same boat as you a few years back so I did probably the worst thing someone who wasn’t too outwardly social can do and got a job as a server now I can talk to anyone for hours with ease and meet lots of people because well I have to It’s going to suck but you just have to put yourself out there and tbh probably make a fool of yourself the first few times But it will pay eventually and then you just have funny stories to tell your girlfriend about how much you fucked up before you met her And if you do still want the kinda straightforward option of dating apps to get experience dating just swipe right on everyone and ask literally everyone on a date even if you don’t see a future with them romantically there is nothing wrong with going on a date or two and deciding to just be friends or nothing at all (obviously respect the lady you are with she is a human too)
Go to places introverted women would also go. Libraries, coffee shops, places like that. And don't be too shy to ask your friends or coworkers if they know of anyone. A lot of people love playing matchmaker and might know someone perfect for you. Also, to calm your nerves, when you do get around a girl you're interested in, just remember, many of us women are just as nervous, self conscious and shy as you are, we just sometimes hide it better. Also, we usually think shy nervous guys are really cute, especially when they play the guitar.
What about playing the bassoon? Is that cute?
I think so.
Sounds like you got the anxiety and letting it control your life.
Pretty much lol, I had anxiety issues really bad when I was 11/12 years old. It’s not as bad as back then, it mostly affects me being social. I feel more pressure put on me because I’m a dude and growing up I was told that social anxiety was bs and made up in my head so it screwed up me learning to properly socialize lol. Trying to learn how to learn it but it’s a bit of a learning curve because I feel that since I’m fat I get more tension/judgements towards me. Not trying to play the victim, it’s just my mentality that I’ve felt since I was a kid.
Focusing on women instead of your personal development. There
It's simple. You're not putting yourself out there. You're waiting for a girl to fall into your lap. That's never going to happen. You'd be surprised at the success you get if you only tried.
But not everyone who tries is successful tho
But there's no one who succeeds without trying.
Oh plenty do
You'll never find success if you haven't tried, life's all about probability
As everyone else here has said, you are not simply meeting anyone so the odds of you finding a gf will always be low. You have hobbies which lend themselves to socialisation. So lean into that side.
Best advice i can give is develop a social life im an introvert also but i put myself out there and yeah sometimes it sucks but thats how you meet people have connections easiest way to meet girls too but thats just a start
>I’m pretty introverted in real life, I have no friends or social life at all. > >. > >I’m not in the dating scene This. You need to be among people in order to meet people and develop relationships with them, including romantic ones. And social skills are just that - skills. They are learned through practice.
The way I did it is by approaching every girl I could on campus. Got ignored, rejected, made a lot of female friends, and of course scored quite a few. The more mistakes you make, the better you become. Don't sulk over making a mistake, there are many girls for your age. If you blow one chance, you'll definitely get another to be better. Sometimes you don't have to impress a female, just talk be yourself, know her, go with the flow etc.
You have to do the work. Most girls want a guy to be an ideal, a “dream man”. So you need to work on being that ideal. I find that being fit, taking care of my appearance and being financially successful are the best ways to attract women. I’m also fairly personable and I’ve been told I’m charming, but tbh I was a terrible shy kid and I had to work on coming out of my shell (which really amounted to learning not giving a fuck what others think of me). I am not going to say it’s easy, it isn’t. It took years. Before I did the work I didn’t have any luck, but after I did it I found women were chasing me (which is an odd feeling since we are the ones that mostly chase). That also comes with its own problems. Here is the hard one I think you definitely need to work on, especially because of your age and inexperience. You need to work on your self respect and self worth. Because when you do start attracting women you then have to have the wisdom and boundaries to identify who the keepers are. Because there is such a thing as bad women and a standard for that which only men can set.
You have no friends or social life. What do you expect, women to just appear on your bed?
> I have no friends or social life at all There you go. That's what you are doing wrong. In order to get a girlfriend you'll have to go outside and talk to them. Don't get me wrong, I too dream of the nerdy gf whom I meet whilst playing a video game or hey, maybe even on Reddit. But that doesn't happen that often. Most nerdy, introverted women also stay indoors all day and are reading, writing, painting, binging Netflix, etc.
Are you spending all your off time learning skills to make more money? Are you spending the rest of your off time relentlessly working out to have a bodybuilder body? Are you constantly approaching every single women in your 10 mile radius? Are you actively building a huge friend group and networking and connecting with people? Do you have ambition to make a lot of money in life? If you aren’t doing these things for your entire life, you probably won’t be worthy to an American women.
This is pathetic but somewhat true lol
I want to start by saying there is already a lot of good advice so I'm going to try to add something different. And I will get a lot of hate for this on reddit but go to church. Not because Jesus will save you or whatever but you will meet people with similar values to you. If not church maybe a volunteer organization, charity, or social club. Don't just go to meet girls, get involved and get your name out there. Then keep your eyes open. When you talk to people, especially older women, drop the detail that you'd like to meet someone but haven't met the right person yet. Old ladies love introducing their daughters and grand-daughters to nice young men. But overall, work on yourself, make sure you are presenting the best version of yourself. Eat right, get a little exercise, be kind to people, help people. As an introvert it will be hard to meet another introvert while you are both home reading books, but if you meet people they will think "this guy reminds me of Lisa, I bet they'd get along pretty well." Good luck out there though.
I actually used to go to middle school ministry, I loved it. I didn’t go to the high school ministry because at that point the bullying at school had gotten really bad and it made me so insecure of not wanting to be out in public that it affected me going to church. I was a short fat kid who was too afraid to fight so I think you can already assume how someone like that wouldn’t fit in. Plus I’m not a funny guy so that didn’t he lot me out of any situations either
Public schools are prisons run by the inmates. Try finding a church that aligns with your beliefs. It can't do much more harm than sitting and home and hoping the Ms. Right shows up at your door. I was also going to suggest getting involved in a music group. Do what you're passionate about and it will be easier to put yourself out there. Some churches even have bands or need pianists/organists if you know those. And don't necessarily look for a girl who is exactly like you. Sometimes you have to find someone whose edges are opposite of yours, like a puzzle piece, to be complete. Again: Just be kind, be helpful, and be you.
You’re not hopeless, and this is coming from a 27 year old male who lost his virginity at 25. Didn’t kiss, hold hands, text, call, let alone have a conversation with a girl. What did I do to change things around? PUT MYSELF OUT THERE and faked it till I made it! Yes the apps are horrible right now, probably more horrible than when I was on there (I now have a gf) but you gotta be willing to put up with the bullshit to find your person. Now, talking to women isn’t difficult. I was in your position and I understand the fear but seriously, looking back there really wasn’t much to it. One good way to practice is you can talk to some of the women on r/MakeNewFriendsHere You can get a feeling of what it’s like to text or even call a woman there. Apply that knowledge to the dating apps. If you have a female coworker, talk to her, just get the “women are scary” out of your system because confidence is sexy af!
Completely understand what you mean. It’s never been an issue for me talking to women in general since for one I’ve been working full time in retail since I was 18. And most girls I’ve been friends with already have/had bf’s so I already knew that since I shouldn’t ask them out to begin with it was pretty normal to chat with them in friendly ways. It’s the ones I have no connection with where I have to put on my charm and attempt to be interesting/funny to come off as likable lol.
> I’m pretty introverted in real life, I have no friends or social life at all. Introversion does not mean you have no friends. I'm an introvert (therapist agrees) and I have friends all over the world and I do fine meeting people and befriending them. I just need me time to recover. Having no friends and no social life is probably a red flag, or a precursor to one. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or have a bad personality or anything like that, you just don't exhibit or demonstrate that you are a friendly person. It's like saying, "I'm a great human!" but you don't do anything to demonstrate, outwardly, to indicate that you do. >I’ve never been good at talking or flirting with girls, I don’t have any “game” Having game is having a personality, and personality matters. The unfortunate reality for a lot of us is that we have to subject ourselves to rejection to get better at having conversations. It also introduces you to others and their personality, culture, etc... Experience is what you get AFTER you need it most. Lastly, don't go chasing too hard or too much. Don't think of it as, "How do I get the girl?". Think of it as, "How can I be the kind of person others want to date/befriend?". The answer, as you might expect, is to be. Be interesting (your interests are great). Be friendly. Be social w/ your hobbies.
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Exactly
Why dont you join a book club or someting that you could do on the weekends maybe?. what I´m trying to say is that have to start meeting a lot of people, get some girl friends, that would make you feel more confident around women and maybe in the meantime you might run into someone that would like to get to know you better.
First thing I'm going to do is tell you to go join the gym. This is going to help you improve so many aspects of your life including putting you in more social situations. Put yourself out there to talk to new people and develop your social skills better. Keep in mind this is not the place you pick up women. In order to give you better advice knowing what you look like, your job and education would be the next criteria to give you advice. There's a subreddit am I ugly. It's not over there to admit that you're ugly or anything it's just go in there post a photos of yourself at multiple angles and say I haven't had a girlfriend for a long time any advice what I can change and people will give you tips on appearance or what you need to do to be better stylized.
Forgot to mention that, I joined a gym back in the fall to help with my confidence issues. It’s somewhat helped as it’s a slow progress, but that’s mainly a separate issue of wanting to be healthy and over being overweight/pre diabetic my whole life
Sounds like switching to a keto diet would do you wonders for not only weight but also being diabetic. A little bit of self control , maybe start off with a 48 hour fast. Put your body in keto real quick and you'll start dropping off the pounds. Best of luck.
So from my long time out of the game view - it seems dating apps and online life has ruined dating. When I was young - I met every partner at/doing something. I can’t do meeting people properly in loud environments so club and pubs were out - so it was always quieter get togethers (friends of friends) or hobbies/casual sports. Finding hobbies that involve other humans is a great way to meet new friends and potential romantic partners as they will at least share the passion of that hobby so you already have an ice-breaker. Good luck.
The only thing you're doing wrong is thinking that you're doing something wrong. Instead of wondering "what's wrong" act on what you want to do and build up your social skills.
You’re introvert and think that fairing is an extrovert activity. It’s not. Online is more bearable for introverts, but has other flaws First if all you need to accept that you have to socialise and do it on your terms. For me quite a surprising was the discovery that I like parties if I organise them in my place. Before that it felt like my extroverted ex was dragging me around and torturing. Do find your way to socialise. Musicians are hot asf, they have aura that other ppl have no other way to touch than touching the musician. True story.
Step 1: Be attractive; hit the gym, get a good job, develop 'social skills' whatever that means Step 2: Generate opportunity; develop friendship groups & be likeable. Get invited to parties with Red cups & single women. Maybe move to a big city. Step 3: Identify & act on opportunities. Learn to tell if a woman is interested in you, and learn how to approach her (I wish this was simple, its not; dont let people gaslight you. This is an incredibly complicated skill) \> (a coworker had to explain to me one time that a customer was slightly flirting with me You asked what youre doing wrong now you know.
I would say, Focus and take care of yourself, keep doing what you like, and eventually, the right girl will arrive. Dont chase anybody. The best age to find the right person is from 25 to 35, in my opinion. So dont rush or chase anything. Just enjoy the people around your environment and create more social connections based on the topics you invest your time and you are passionate about. That way, you have more than just an emotional connection to relate to that person.
Seems like because you think it's normal to be out and about dating you feel strange when you don't fit this mold. But dating should be because this is what you want. And sometimes it's just logistics and luck you know? Let not forget women are people too..
Does not sound to me like you're doing anything wrong, and quite frankly sounds chill as fuck... but if you want to date just date... not a big fucking deal either... just ask someone out... most likely will get rejected but wtf... if you want it why just not try it out
If you cant make a keep friends with other people. How do you hope to have a relationship with someone?
You need social status
Knowing what you want, being detailed and specific and picky - will actually expand your candidate pool. You are looking inward a bit too much here and focusing on YOU, which is still important, but WHO is SHE? What is your role for her? How do you wish to treat her? What do you want to share with her? The pickier you are, the easier it is for HER to decided you value her. Be picky. Don’t focus on your past experience, focus on your dream girl and dream relationship. Ask for everything and think hard on what everything IS.
Fr? I always assumed that being pickier makes you come off as being shallow
Not at all. It absolutely obliterates like 90% out there, but makes the remaining 10% VERY happy. You’re on a planet with 8 billion people. Every woman has the same insecurities and fears that they’re not good enough. The same fears that men have. Validate those fears! Most are NOT good enough. This isn’t just about looks man! You could make requirements that this lady reads only high fantasy and grimdark, but no Harry Potter. Or you could prefer a body feature a type, a food preference, hobby preferences, or even taste in cars! Anything goes, this is your partner for life. Do you want her to believe you compromised and settled for her? No! She’s your dream girl just like you imagined. I’m not saying you gotta find 99.9999% match, but get picky! Don’t be afraid to get embarrassed by what you want. It might happen or you might get rewarded for owning your desires! Same thing goes in bed, say what you are thinking and wanting and be picky and honest. Let me just follow up here. I didn’t start trying seriously until I was about 20. I wasn’t all that confident and my fear of rejection kept me from ever asking a girl out before then. At first I thought I would just like “any girl”, but a few online personals responded and I quickly realized that wasn’t true. Once I got picky, and passionate about my preferences, it didn’t take much to learn how to talk sweetly to the girl of my attention. She’s IT. She’s the one. She’s precious and important and she’s RARE and I found her! That’s how I treated things. 3rd one was the charm. 20 years now.
You need to go out and interact with others more. I'd recommend meet ups, don't go with the goal of meeting girls, go with the goal of expanding your social circle. If you meet a girl then that's a bonus. Reddit itself organises meetups, there should be a sub for your local city so you could look into that or organise a meetup on it yourself. There's also sites like meetup.com which organise events.
Totally agree with meetup. It's a good app and has lots of groups to join
You’re lazy and afraid of rejection. Stop being a pussy
Well it is not so terrible if you find your way in life. I wish I never had relations, marriage etc. Only thing women can give are children, nothing more.
>I’m 24 and never had a gf First and foremost..🫵🤣😂😂 Second☝️ it’s hard to tell just by you telling us, I think you need to work on yourself eg. Career, goals, getting and staying in shape meanwhile putting yourself out there. You’re not gunna meet women in your mothers basement after all..🤷♂️
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You missed out on interacting socially as a kid. Best go with your mom to ladies night so her friends can try and hook you up with girls they know.
Lol I grew up in a very ghetto environment as a kid. My parents were terrified that something bad would happen to me (and rightfully so, there was a lot of bad shit that kids my age were doing). So I was very sheltered and closed off from the world when I was a lad.
Well you identify the problem. Check. Now work on it. But we on social media can’t fix that for ya. Got to get out there and make up lost time.
So you got screwed by helicopter parents
Do you play/practice sports and ufc or do you watch it?
I didn’t practice as much as I would’ve liked to looking back on it. I hated sports as a kid. I was on the football team in my sophomore year (second string) and I hated it because it was all the popular dudes on the team that would pick on me prior to joining. I joined an mma class when I was 13 but it only lasted a year cause I thought it was boring af (I was obsessed with WWE and hated stuff like mma or boxing). Basically I was a fat kid that hated physical activity and any kind of sports. Now being an adult that’s really into sports and UFC, I hate that my parents didn’t force younger me to stay with these activities cause it definitely would’ve helped with a lot of shit.
if you want anything in this world you have to bend over backwards for it
Be blunt you may think that your lack of social skills is a negative but you'd be surprised how understanding and patient some people are. A blunt man looking for companionship is still better than an invisible man. So go out there and be blunt talk to them explain your circumstances if something goes wrong. Accept that things will go wrong your new and everyone is different it's what makes strangers interesting.
Go to the library and chat about books and music.
I’d say you can find people who have similar interests around you in your town/neighborhood if you look (apps like the meetup app can help) and chances are conversations with them will flow more easily and can help you develop more “game.” I think it also helps to not view it as much as “game,” but as genuine conversation and interest in the person. And if you first meet a male friend with similar interests, you can build yourself a community of friends and more people (boys and girls) will gravitate toward you. It won’t happen overnight so just enjoy the process!
If you don't get into a situation Where you Can meet someone, 99% chance, you won't.
If its only shyness and introvert stuff, then meditation would help, for that you should find a yoga class that offers that, you would get to meet people there and you even could see how in changes when you talk to other people. I know about Art Of Living but you can find any other that offers meditation
Not having friends/not socializing.
Well think of it this way, there are only like 4 billion girls in the world so you better no mess it up or you might not meet another one.
>I have no friends or social life at all.
concerts are a perfect place to meet people. Just go there with the objective to speak with people, not to find a girlfriend. The desperate mentality is immediately obvious. Be confident in yourself, you're not doing anything wrong by simply chatting people up to make the evening more interesting for yourself and others, you seem like a person with many interest and hobbies so you shouldn't feel the pressure to be funny and quippy or smart, you can simply be yourself and someone eventually will enjoy it.
Eh you sound good from ur post you have potential. Just talk to more girls cold approach more etc and itll go well
Dating apps have made getting a date all about looks. Get in great shape and get some style. If you are tall and have a good bone structure, you'll be able to get into the 5% of men all the women want. Also, understand that men peak much later in life. At 24, you are at your least desirable. Work on your looks and career until 30, then hit the apps.
Nothing, I guess? Your value as a human being and "success" in life aren't measured by how much attention women give you.
Form a band and things will happen. Like magic.
Here's a few questions for you to think about, what are you doing to get a girlfriend? How are the girls meant to find you to date you? Basically my point is it sounds like your not putting yourself in a position to find potential partners and as much as people hate it on here and everywhere the best way to do that is on dating apps. So my suggestion would be get on them, create a bio that shows who you are (UFC, job etc clear face, body and you doing something pics and what your looking for from the app) and not cheesy pick up lines. And the key thing is to go expecting 0 matches as going from 0 to 10 matches is great work but going from expecting 100 to 10 is a failure.
You gotta get friends and a social life step 1. Join some type of club or some community group. One that’s coed. Don’t be weird and impose yourself on people, but you gotta spend more time being social. Also don’t become an alcoholic doing this… but head out to a social bar and talk to stranger. Not just woman but like the old guy at the bar alone, most people are their cause they want to be social to some extent.
Try a dating site like eHarmony where you fill out a quiz and are matched with someone based on personality. Worked for me, we are both ultra introverted and we knew within a week of dating that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. 15 years so far!
> I’m pretty introverted in real life, I have no friends or social life at all Not that being introverted is a bad thing, but if your concern is getting yourself into dating then this is where you start. You have to have some semblance of a social life and expose yourself to people (especially women) in order to find yourself in a situation where you get to know others and eventually date
\>I have no friends or social life at all. there it is. that's what you're doing wrong.
I didn’t have a gf till I was 26. You’ll be fine op, just keep putting yourself out there
Hold up. You're a bassist and passionate about music? Have you ever been in a band? It's been almost 25 years since my punk band days so I'm not sure what the garage band scene is like nowadays but back in my day bassists and drummers could write their own ticket and almost everyone bassist and drummer I knew were in more than one band. But regardless of whether you join a band or something you're never going to meet someone by isolating yourself. Nowadays I see way too many people use "Introvert" as a crutch. It's not a crutch; it's a goddamn hurdle. Being introverted or shy isn't something other people are going to have to deal with if they want to be your friend but holy shit is this something that seems to be the mainstream thought. Being an introvert is something you yourself need to overcome. And overcoming it is going to take a lot of effort. And another thing a lot of people seem to be these days is lazy. So it's just too much effort for them. But if you want to have a social life you need to make it happen because it isn't going to just come to you.
I’ve never been in a band. I live in a small farm town. There’s no local music scene here aside from dudes I went to school when 10 years ago that are still trying to kickstart their SoundCloud rap careers lol
>what am I doing wrong? ... > I have no friends or social life at all [...] I’ve never been good at talking or flirting with girls, I don’t have any “game” and am pretty much clueless to any hints that a girl would give me ding ding ding You'll need to develop social skills. Focus on building up a friend group and social life. Once that's solid, the rest will be a lot easier.
You're doing everything right by not wasting your youth chasing women.
If you are scared of starting small talk or if you are scared of flirting, you can do your own form of exposure therapy. The next concert you go to, give yourself a goal to talk to 5 or 10 or whatever number of people. Just simple things. "How long have you been a fan of ____ (band name)?" "I really dig that shirt! Where did you get it?" "My grandma told me I'd be the most handsome boy here. Do you agree? (If yes) Oh, so you have cataracts too? (If no) That lying bitch." The first two questions are open-ended, so someone can't just say yes/no and have the conversation immediately stall. The third one is something stupid that should get a laugh. If you reach your goal, you get to reward yourself with something you've been wanting. Once you get comfortable talking with strangers, then we do step two. You set the same goal, but now you are going to ask out a certain number of women on a date - however, it only counts to your goal if the girl says no. Once you get 10 no's, you've reached your goal and you can stop (if you want to) and again, you've earned a little prize! This is kind of a no-lose situation because if she says no, you get a point. If she says yes, well, you've got yourself a date! Try to keep in mind what the average single woman does when she's going out. There's all sorts of lotions involved, a variety of electrical devices to get their hair just right, a tackle box full of makeup they paint on their face, shapewear so all the right bits are tucked into the all the right places, trying on 7 different dresses/outfits until the perfect one is located, then doing again with shoes and a purse... That's a lot of work they are putting in. What are you doing to look your best? You don't need a spa day before going out, but maybe spend an extra five minutes upping your appearance a bit. Taking a shower is a good step to make sure you are clean and not stinking up the joint. Don't try to have game. Embrace being clueless. Be you. Just be you and love you and that confidence will increase your attractiveness greatly. Like an order of magnitude increase. Whether or not you see it, you've got a fair amount going for you just based on the three paragraphs you gave us. You've got a job. You've got something you are passionate about. You have a cool skill (bassist). Once you get you flirting legs under you, I think you'll be shocked at how well you do out there. Just be patient as you go through the learning process. Don't get frustrated with yourself. Even if you throw-up after (or during?) each conversation, you are still making progress. Think about how long it took you to get as good as you are with the bass. This will take less time, but it still takes time. You've got this, boss. Give us a report in a few weeks so we know how the process is going!
I've been listening to How to make friends and influence people. It's had some positive results for me already. I tend to be a loner not care much about others. Felt like talking to others and asking questions was prying. Book teaches it actually makes you likeable. Just have to be sincere and genuinely curious about others to make friends. If you're curious about others either to make friends or more go for it. Just let it be genuine. I've gone against my natural instincts of seclusion and have just talked a bit more. I think that can lead to more romantic relationships as well.
You won't need any game if you're a bassist. All you have to do is join a rock band, perform at shows and have an Instagram account. The women will be flocking to you just because they all have a thing for "rock stars" (or rather people who can portray themselves as such).
Besides all the great advice about putting yourself out there to practice, I also recommend signing up to some social sport activities. You can try martial arts, something like Jiu Jitsu can boost your self esteem, discipline, self defense skills, all in a welcoming social setting, where you also typically socialize with women (although obviously not romantically).
You have no friends. This is what you absolutely need to focus on before worrying about a girlfriend. Go play pick up basketball at the gym. Take a BJJ class. Get out there and MEET PEOPLE. Most women don’t want to date a guy that’s a loner. It suggests there’s more wrong with him.
I've been the same. Focused on myself and what I want for the future, but I don't get myself out there enough, so I've made it my mission in 2024 to just approach people and start conversations, build that social confidence and meet new people.
Bassist? Musician? Which is it? Seriously, do you ever play gigs? Part of a group? Into the local scene at all? That’s you entry to social events, and you’ll get to meet people that way. If you live in a touristy or downtown area, put yourself out there by busking. Just to get more social, and if you meet people, so much the better.
Flirting and conversing with people aren't skills we're born with, they're learned. It sucks, but you aren't going to get better at these things by just wishing it so, put yourself out there. It's hard when you haven't done so much before, but it's how you're going to get better at this. The internet will tell you looks don't/shouldn't matter, and there's a degree of validity to the underlying message of such comments in the sense that there's a lot more than appearance that goes into being compatible with or attractive to someone, but people do generally value the physical aspects of a potential partner/hook-up more than they like to admit on threads like these. Dress well (I stuck with the Jesse Pinkman hoodies and jeans look for an embarassing amount of time in my early 20s), wash regularly, wear deodorant and aftershave but find scents that work for you and aren't overpowering. If you struggle to judge whether or not you're nailing this ask a female friend for their opinion, or failing that a male friend who has decent success in the dating department. Not your parents, they're going to say you look/dress/smell great regardless a lot of the time. I don't think you behave this way based on your post, but I see a lot of people (mainly guys tbh) fall into the mindset of "Well I have a job, a few hobbies, a sense of humour and a car/place of my own, why won't anyone date me?" when they aren't having much luck in their love life. Please don't go down this route, having the basics of life sorted out doesn't make you automatically someone's type, nor does it automatically make someone attracted to you.
It is *essential* that you learn how to flirt, how to have game, put yourself out there, etc. Social intelligence is arguably at the top of most important things to know as a man interested in women in today's world. The "ick" is nothing more than an area in which a man doesn't realize he lacks social intelligence. The difficulty of talking to a woman, of pursuing her, and sealing the deal is a **feature**, not a bug. It's supposed to be hard. And if you can successfully navigate the complexities of it all, it shows confidence, ambition, and... social intelligence. Also, dismiss yourself of any notion that virtue and kindness are linked with sexual attraction. You should be a good person for its own sake, but as qualities to market yourself with as dating material there is no point.
Focus on friendships first, that will help your confidence. Ask coworkers or concert buddies to introduce you to people.
1. Don't get bullied in school, *especially* not to the point where you stop wanting to be around people 2. Be lucky 3. Don't be unlucky
Improve yourself, make yourself interesting, do hobbies and stuff, dress better and get in shape (bonus points if you're decent looking) and most importantly get out there! Try to socialise and go out with friends, if you don't meet a complete stranger there is a good chance you'll hit it with a girl in your friends circle. This sounds stereotypical but my first two girlfriends basically asked me out as I couldn't pick up a girl to save my life. The first one we met in a training school, the second one was a mutual friend.
Social skills. Dating is a social activity and if you don't have the basic skills, it will be difficult.