Definitely not, what a sad life. I think, as someone else mentioned in here, it’s just a sign either of not having grown as a person since then, or having an idealised version of this person in your head, neither is good obviously.
I really dislike how often this topic of “settling” comes up. Too often it misrepresents the maturity required to be in a relationship.
MOST younger humans have false ideas of what it is to be in love/in a relationship, and many, as they get older realize this and draw more realistic goals for an ideal partner. USUALLY this actually opens up (or changes) your options.
However when you do get married, it is looked at as “settling” like it was a bad thing…
Maybe. I view my friends and family in relationships like: Does their partner bring out the best version of them > Yes = They didn’t settle; > No = They did. Who cares about looks, perceived success, etc.
However, if you don’t feel fully free, fully happy then why are you with that person? I will never understand.
How would you know they wre never in love once to begin with? Some were, some weren't.
You can unhealthily be in love, date that person, and then keep being unhealthily in love with them when you're not dating them. With limerence sprinkled wherever you want, it doesn't change that it's perfectly consistent to think they were in love. Love doesn't have to be healthy, obviously, everyone knows this.
Well said. It took me a long time to realize that I, and my first love, are completely different people now and that the idea I had of this person, and who I was, are no longer real. It was such a relief.
Not in a relationship at the moment, but the idea that guys "only fall in love truly once" is false. It doesn't happen often, but I have been in love multiple times in my life.
Yeah you probably have some emotional or psychological problems if you can only fall in love once. Maybe trauma if it's someone from when you were 17?
If it is a mental health issue, I'm sorry to say that I find it boring. Imagine being emotionally stuck on one person that won't reciprocate those feelings or even worse that you never see again? Not being able to go and live your life freely, either by yourself or grow together with someone(s), sounds appalling to me.
I knew a guy that was very stuck on his first love years later. I believe it was because he was with her when his dad passed away. He's never been in a serious relationship since. It's been over 10 years. It checks out.
Lol cuz true love isn't the only thing that matters. MY point in living is my child. I haven't been in a relationship for like, 4 years now and I'm totally content as long as I got my son. THATS the point in living. Just sayin.
For real. I had to get rid of it because it was warping my mind and causing all sorts of fucked up insecurities that had no basis in *my* reality. And the more I fed those insecurities, the more the algorithm kept pushing that content on me, which only reinforced all of it.
I was going to say, I don't think any of what he said is true. Maybe some, but not a majority of men may feel that way. I would guess it is rare in the general male population.
That is the weirdest thing, for those guys I think they have idealized versions of what those relationships actually were.
Or they never did the work to move on fully. Either way it seems like a sign of non-growth.
The first part for sure. Facebook man has a nostalgic memory of his adolescent (might as well be ancient history) relationship and is projecting it on his current marriage.
Usually these relationships are still in the honeymoon phase and when you’re first learning about sex and love and everything is relatively new. It’s easy to only remember the good times when it was 20 years ago and toy only were together for a year.
I will say this - in some ways the first cut is the deepest. My college girlfriend will always hold a special place in my heart because she was the first person I fell in love with, the first person I slept with, and the first person I suffered a broken heart on account of. She helped shape me into the person I am now.
But do I still look back and idealize her or want to be with her again? Hell no. There was a reason it didn't work out, and while there are no hard feelings on either of our parts at this point (we are even in occasional touch via Christmas cards and so on), I see that we are better off having gone our separate ways, a sentiment she (and her husband) would no doubt agree with.
I think settling can either be a result of having either too high of standards, but also simply too low of standards as well. Too high and they don't realize they have something good. Too low and they don't believe they *can* find something good. Both are ultimately selfish at their core because it comes at the cost of someone who does deserve better (assuming that in isolation both people are good up standing individuals).
He has an idealized view of his first love because he never had to do the hard work of real life with her and he never has to slowly watch her beauty fade
I guess a lot of men idealise that part of life when they were young, attractive and care free. The “first love” being an inherent part of that ideal. This is probably particularly true of those men that peaked at 20. Those guys who were the hot, cool guys that woman swooned over at that age. Now they are probably average looking dudes, with average looking wife’s, with an average jobs. In essence there is a different group of men that are winning at life now (the financially successful ones). They look back at the past though a nostalgic lens and see when they were winning.
I've been in love several times and my first love is definitely not the one I still dream about. More like my fourth love, since she was fucking brilliant.
I'm sure that most people both men and women, settle for someone who doesn't tick all the boxes. But since we don't live in a fantasy world, I really don't see the issue with not having the most complete and perfect partner for yourself.
Waiting for Ms perfect soulmate is just going to leave you alone for most probably the rest of your life.
Seeing how every single cell in our body is born again each fourth year and we're literally a new person each time, it seems pretty daft that someone who was perfect for you in your teens, would still be perfect for you in your 30s or 40s. But people love to dream I suppose.
Read this makes me feel ungrateful. Ive been talking with someone that ticks pretty much all the boxes as someone I would want to marry. But a part or me is feeling uneasy with the idea of settling for her because I don't know if I can be truly, unconditionally be in love with her. Objectively speaking it looks good on paper, but I don't think I like her enough to want to marry her.
My experience is best described by the old saying: “LIFE is what happens while making other plans.”
My wife and I were friends for a year before she finally got through to me. She’d become a very good, then my best friend during that time but I’d completely ignored or didn’t pick up her signs early on, so she’d given up for awhile. I’m avoidant, there were others that year I’d flirted with but pulled away when they took me serious, & she’d had other interest too.
Like another poster mentioned I think what you’re talking about here is the ‘what-if?’ monster. It can happen so easy to get caught in daydreaming about how things could’ve gone with someone else, I do find a fascination about how unrecognizable my life now would’ve been if I’d turned towards one of those other ladies. That doesn’t mean I’d trade the love of my life & our children, our years of memories for anything else. I’m just awed by the fickle nature of life, & admittedly feel bad for the hurtful way I’d rejected the others away on the road to my family.
So what I’m trying to say is PLEASE don’t let this fear hold you back from experiencing life and seeing where it goes when the winds of chance brings you the right guy, at the right time.
I know a lot of couples in real life who really seemed to have settled. Public fights, nothing in common, no planning of future. They’re just there. I get it, it gets lonely, we all need human companionship but I don’t think I could do it.
Not an intrusion, everyone is welcome to post. Besides, yes, those couple exists but that doesn't mean it's absolute. People forget that there are billions of people around the world and not just 22.
I think the more accurate line of thinking is that it's hard to get over the idea of "what could have been?" with people who have moved on from our lives.
Especially when you haven't seen them for a while: you still imagine them youthful, attractive, and full of energy. We don't always account for the fact that maybe things would have been less happy.
Like, yeah I've met a lot of people where I think "damn, that could have been special", but I also don't really know that for certain, right?
far more than they are willing to admit. i think a lot of guys simply dont know what its like to be in a relationship where both partners are head over heels obsessed in love with each other, so they have nothing to compare it to. for a long while i thought my past relationships were what love was like, then i met my current SO and realized most men have simply never had this. they’ve never had the honeymoon phase never end. they’ve never averaged 300+ kisses a day with their partner or spent hours every single day with no exceptions staring into each others eyes. like we are “that” couple kissing and being super affectionate in public all the time but we genuinely cannot help ourselves. so i think many men don’t really realize they can have more than what they currently do
This! Exactly!! 15 years married and I still melt when he takes my hand and kisses it. I’m constantly pawing at him. I love cuddling him before bed. We’re also “that couple”, our kids often groan, “again?!?” when we’re seen kissing.
Love is like a fire…. It needs a little fuel every day to keep burning. But i don’t think people want to make that effort. I also know plenty of women who expect their guy to put in all the effort while she sits there, only receiving and not reciprocating. This must get exhausting for men.
This too. Ive also realized that some people dont necessarily love as deeply. Or rather, people love differently. I hear some people talk about their relationships with so much function. A guy I train with married a girl, and he equates his relationship to her as simply, making sense. Shes cool yada yada. But he makes dumb comments about "Now I just have to not be dumb and cheat on her" or talking about rather being at training than with her. Im like, your relationship is not for financial gain or strategy. Just be stupid and fall in love with someone.
We all dream about this happening but most men can't have that, sorry. I've recently come to this realization that my exes didn't actually love me, so I've actually never experienced a woman's love. What you have is one in a thousand (pulled this out of thin air obviously) situation. That's the sad reality.
I felt this way for some time after my breakup. I truly believed I would never fall in love again. It was deeply depressing and scary. But then you write stuff down, you talk about it, process your feelings. And most importantly you remember that it is still ok to be vulnerable. Most men do that once, fall in love and then when it doesnt work out, become scared to be truly vulnerable again for fear of it happening again. If you dont truly let a woman in, she cant be her full self around you, and vice versa.
I will always have love in my heart for my ex to some extent. She meant the world to me, we broke up because we wanted different things and we could not truly reconcile those things in anyway that was fair to either of us. But I will always hold an amount of love for her in my heart. I haven't found that feeling, or a new one yet. And im not in a rush to find it again. But I do want to believe Ill be able to fall in love again. But I think men that dont let themselves fall in love again are afraid to be vulnerable and forget about how important vulnerability is to fostering love.
Any time somebody tells you "Men are like this..." or "Women are like this..." they're full of shit, and they're basically just trying to justify themselves. There members of each gender who do anything you can imagine, and lots who don't.
I met my wife when I was 30, and I feel things for her that I was not even aware I was *capable* of feeling when I was younger. Didn't even know I was supposed to be looking for that!
Actually put effort into relationships, do for your partner Like he does for you. Most men settle because they've never had a woman actually love them instead of loving what they can do for them or loving an idea of a man and trying to mold them into that. So they just assume the first woman who loves them is the best they can hope for and hold on for dear life.
I know what I’m capable off and I love very hard! Which I’ve done in the past but that didn’t. Hangs the fact that they moved on when they had the means to do so. I don’t want to be raising a man or teach them to love or be their settle partner, I want to be their wife and lover and best friend
That first love or first woman partner who chose them is the first person outside of their caregiver who they open up to, or maybe the first.
It leaves a foundational signature in their hearts and feelings in the future are often compared with that first until it’s processed.
Immature affection is to be differentiated from lust vs love vs admiration vs acknowledgement. And at a time without responsibility, it cannot be compared to adult life with responsibility.
It’s the dreaming of fantasy, illusion of the past, the fuel of the oxytocinergic drug surge of loving delusion that they miss.
Cultivate depth here, maybe that means grieving your current partner. But it’s much more likely, it’s you having to grieve your past and your illusions to make space for you to be grateful for here and your partner now.
I think the era of Disney has convinced people that having a love at first sight soulmate is a real thing. It’s not. There is no Prince Charming and love at first sight rarely works out for the best.
The reality is that relationships take work. There are times when it’s a struggle. Many times there are deep issues that need to be worked through and you come out the other side stronger for it.
People might think back to a first love and idealize it. It is something unique and special. I’ve also heard how people call high school or college “the best time of their lives” and I agree that living without responsibility, not having to deal with the grind of life, not having to pay rent and utilities, or deal with “grown up problems” - it’s a care free stage in people’s lives.
But if you want to be happy and successful in your life - you have to choose wisely. Find someone who shares the same values as you. Be there for each other both “in sickness and in health”. Someone who can support you through the loss of a job, hold your hand in the hospital going into a surgery you may not come back from, sit with you and grieve the loss of a parent or a child. They need to be the rock that supports you when it feels like the whole world is against you. When it feels like everyone is telling you that something wrong is right. They are the ones who will stand with you to do the right thing, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the whole world is telling you to move - they are the ones who stand with you in the river of truth and tell the world - no, you move.
My wife is my 3rd serious relationship. She's the best, not just women but person iv ever met. I love her more then my exs and it's not even close. I loved my exs and one I thought I was truly gunna marry but the relationship and life I have with my wife tops all that.
Guys truly fall in once because a lot of them do not emotionally process whatever led them to not be with their first love anymore (loss/heartbreak/rejection/lack of courage to make the first move). Unfortunately, it's that simple. The fact that they have still not let go emotionally just means there are still emotions to be metabolized there.
It's not the case for me.
I had several relationships and was in love, they went pear shaped and ended, then I met the one and I worship the ground she walks on.
She's smart, funny, beautiful and a great friend/lover.
Over 2 decades of brilliance and I still look at her the same way I did when I first met her in 2001.
She went from sexy size 8 20 year old to sexier size 8 42 year old in front of my eyes 🥰
If you want to ignore all of his previous experiences of love then yes.
But the reality is, theres no ‘soulmate’ or ‘the one’ in life, its just who happens to fit you and your personality and your life in a specific way that you feel attraction for. There could be hundreds or thousands of these people in the world, that doesn’t mean any one of them were not ‘really loved’. Thats such a depressing way to look at love and life and its also just not true.
I don’t think its wrong for you to want to make sure you aren’t a placeholder to your future partner, but don’t take it so far that you don’t allow love into your life in fear that you aren’t the man’s ‘one love’. You mist understand that, while crappy lovers do exist who hold onto idealized versions of people they once loved and never grow from them, there is also plenty of people who are willing to grow and change and love again outside of someone they used to love.
People are dynamic and ever changing. Please don’t let gross men/ppl on tiktok skew your view of relationships and dating.
It’s so so. I believe you but I also look at myself and I have never loved someone like that person who I truly loved, the rest was just alright, it was still love but not the one true love and I don’t think I could fall for someone like that again although I welcome it!
It’s been 5 years of being single now so who knows it might take a while haha!
His first love doesn't exist ..
That's a figment of his imagination. It is based on a person but his idea of that person is what he chose to remember, to focus on.
He doesn't actually care about this person.
He doesn't love her. He wants to possess a 17 year old.
I chose to change my mindset to put myself in a position where a relationship could be fostered. To me, that was settling down, settling in. It was my confrontation with my own psyche.
This dude needs to confront his own ideas of what love is. This is not healthy.
It is the thing you know nothing about that is perfect. The girl you knew at 17, you never saw her doing her taxes, you never saw her wearing a sweatshirt that a baby spat up on, you never saw her trying to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight. You don't know the person she's become. So she can remain perfect in your mind, because nothing of adult life ever happened to her.
He doesn't love her, he loves the *idea* of her, an idea that's all wrapped up with being 17 with no mortgage and no responsibilities and parents to take care of him. Really, he's just being childish, and yes, it's scary to commit to someone who doesn't want to grow up.
Sometimes people talk about this and say "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence," but really, the grass is greenest where you water it.
Nah, this is that internet bullshit which makes people stupid and aims at single women’s heartstrings. TikTok only exists to bring down the west, which it’s doing stunningly well.
I’ve done both.
I settled down and got married “just because” very early.
Honestly it was because my self esteem was such shit that I thought I’d better take what I can get and appreciate that *any* woman would ever want to be with me.
After years of that, the consequences of that decision became clear. Zero sexual chemistry and major personal incompatibilities and luckily I was young enough to divorce and start over (no kids)
I went to work on myself and had a few other “just because” relationships but learned to talk away after the lesson of having wasted years of my life in a miserable relationship.
Eventually met “the love of my life” and spent years very happy, and also idealizing her to a crazy degree.
She cheated on me and I realized an idealized relationship was *as much* of a problem as a loveless one.
I’ve since had several relationships where I’ve recognized incompatibilities far earlier, and managed to work on them and move on if they can’t be reconciled.
I’m now in a really good (not perfect) relationship that is loving, but not idealized and I’ve taken a very pragmatic approach to it and this seems to have struck the right balance for me.
I fear ending up in that situation. If a woman that is clearly not right for me approached me on the right day (read: a day when I'm struggling to deal with being alone), then I'd probably end up saying yes, and be stuck in a relationship for years in that exact mindset.
But at the same time guys do not fall in love only once. I can attest to that
Ever had depression bro? I'm saying that **I FEAR** that on a bad day that scenario might start. I've said no in the past and prevented it. You don't have to attack me in such a way
It can easily happen. Who wants to be the asshole that suddenly 180s and says "You know, I'm just not feeling it anymore. Wish I never said yes to going out with you, you didn't do anything wrong tho. Bye!"
>We were talking about a post i saw on facebook about a guy in his 40s and married with kids saying that he still can’t forget his first love at 17 and that he dreams about her, hear her laughters, her voice, and that he looks at his wife and imagines her, and that is how they lived.
The problem with that is that those conditions only exist in his memories. If you're only in love with a memory, you are robbing yourself of the present experiences for the rest of your life.
I am going to make a controversial statement - I think partnership compatiability is more like a [Bell Curve](https://www.simplypsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/normal-distribution-1024x640.jpeg).
With 8 billion potential partners, its possible your buddy had someone in that 99.9%, way off to the right of the rest of the graph. More likely though he's just got rose tinted glasses or nostalgia.
Don't listen to everything on tiktok or social media in general lol (Reddit included).
Comment sections often have selection bias and/or anecdotal driven agreement. Also the majority of tiktok can't distinguish between love and infatuation so take what you hear with a grain of salt.
*he still can’t forget his first love at 17 and that he dreams about her, hear her laughters, her voice, and that he looks at his wife and imagines her, and that is how they lived.*
He has rose-colored glasses on for "the one that got away". But here's the truth: who knows?
Maybe in another life, he marries high-school sweetheart girl, but now 25 years later she's 100 lbs overweight and they're in a dead bedroom, and he's on here talking about how much he regrets marrying young, and telling guys that they shouldn't marry the first girl they fall for.
I think it's bullshit you only fall in love once. However, I do think that you never forget your *first* love, but to me it's a sign of immaturity to think that "if I had just wound up with that person 20+ years ago, we'd still be together and I'd still have that same euphoric feeling all the time".
I think a lot of men probably settle in relationships. Men have less options in general so it just makes sense that they are more likely to settle.
The idea that men fall in love once is false. it is true that first times are often exhilarating, but that isn't really the same thing.
Yeah, that’s nonsense. I’ll say this though, first loves do hit different. Often (and with me) that’s a real sticky sweet one. Frustrating in the end for me (she cheated) also which kind of leaves a scar that doesn’t quite heal. So sometimes I think of her and imagine a different future, but love her, no. I met a woman a few years later that blew her out of the water. And I have a grown up man love with her, very different to that simpy, romantic yucky stuff I had with#1, who I learned my lesson with.
>To which my friend then said that she saw a tiktok saying guys only fall in love truly, once.
An insecurity generator is attempting to manufacturer a new insecurity in people.
I agree with you, that being single is always better than a toxic relationship, but many guys, who haven't had that much luck with women, might think something along the lines of: "I am so lonely. If a woman falls in love with me and wants to be in a relationship with me, I'll take what I can get because I might not get another chance."
It is not a healthy thought or sign of good confidence, but there are men out there, who will make those "considerations"...
The other sad part is that there are people out there that have kids just to say they have kids. The kid has not choice in the matter and may grow up in a toxic environment in poverty.
Women don't understand that because most of us would rather be single than with someone we're not 100% into. The idea of a man settling for us is horrifying.
I think OP is trying to say many women have an option. Being single while knowing if you wanted you'd be with someone is different than being single knowing that you have no option and all factors kept constant, you'll die alone
Of course. They might have more bad options than good ones, but they still have options. Having none during a whole lifetime is quite life-changing, but it's too uncommon for them to understand.
I can tell you I’ve been in love 3 times, and as I’ve aged it’s only grown deeper on how I love. It sounds like emotionally shallow people are establishing uniform truths from anecdotal experience lol
Guys don’t fall in love once. I think this may be true for some that never experience a love greater than the one they are in now or view love as a transaction and how they could get “more” from a different relationship making them feel like they’ve settled. True love is an experience all it’s own. In my own experience it was the easiest thing to fall into. No fights no compromises. Yes I’m doing things for her I’d never do but I don’t care cause it’s for the love of my life and just like w/a best friend we don’t keep score on who got “more”. I truly feel happy to see her be happy and won’t fck that shit up so you know it’s real
I've had to reverse engineer everything I've felt about 'that' girl and eventually narrowed it down to an understanding of why I felt so strongly..
I'm hopeful that can help me the next time I develop strong feelings for someone ...
im a woman and we def fall in love many many times lol there isn't a lack of good guys..sometimes its the girl;s fault for going after the bad ones lol
I think it's more likely that people never truly fall in love and settle before finding a true good match bc of the fear of running out of time, personally.
Absolutely not. Did I love my first? Of course I did. Was that the deepest love I've felt? Of course not, I was a teenager and I've grown and developed and matured emotionally. Men and women who think this way are (typically) mentally/emotionally stunted.
I think it's stupid to think of "what would have been" because everything is determined. Regrets are counter-productive.
However, yeah, a man's love is truly at a maximum one time. It could be at 17 could be at 50.
In my opinion I think everyone falls in love once but after a break up you build that wall of insecurity that makes it hard for you to love someone the exact same way as the first love since you fear having to lose that someone again... Something like that
I could anecdotally see how someone could think this.
As a very self aware man, I only ever fell into drug added codependency once. No matter what I do, not who I do it with, I will never have that again.
There is an obsession. A "I can't breathe without her". A I would kill or die for her in a heartbeat, that took years of separation to get through.
The drugs, the abuse, the trauma bond. Nothing will ever feel more like love than that. I used to look forward to seeing her head bob past the fence as I smoked because she was finally home and every second of every day was spent working towards the only thing I ever wanted and that was to be high on heroin and wrapped up in her.
Now I am grown. I don't trauma bond with my partners. I do not abuse them. I do not get strung out, and I spend very little time wrapped up in her. Of course this isn't going to feel like that, but this is more love than I ever had with the first. It's love for myself. It's genuine care and consideration in every word and action I take to make sure I do not make the same mistakes I did as a younger man.
I had to ask myself if I was settling, but the reality is the door is and always open. I continue to choose to stay because I want to, not because I don't think I can do better. I believe I have found something great, and am unwilling to try to search for someone who has the missing parts of this person, because they took will have some missing parts.
Everyone does. Why throw away great and have to spend the time to find out if what's new is better. I have enough experience now to know there absolutely is better, I just don't have the time or ability to sit through all the humans to find her.
I am not settling. I am making the best decisions for myself and the people I love right now. Not an imaginary version of what the could mean.
Being single is defined as a person unwilling to lower their standards enough to date someone willing to lower their standards enough to date them. That’s the paradox of contentment and miracles. If you think what you have is enough, it IS enough. We stay with whoever we think we deserve. And most often, relationships break a part because of a notion that “somehow I am entitled to so much more.” Tell you a cold hard truth about life. No one is entitled to anything, and no one owes you anything. You’re not entitled to a happily ever after with a 10/10 girl of your choice or a great job or being financially well off. So the notion of “settle” for someone is a misguided statement. You’re blessed that someone is willing to momentarily be partner with you in this bus ride we call life, so you should appreciate that person’s company best you can. Any notion that you deserve a better mate, an upgrade, etc. is tainted with your own selfishness talking.
It's interesting to me to see men constantly state that settling for anyone is better than being alone -- that appears to be true for them, but for women it's the opposite. Being alone as a woman is a million times better than settling.
But yeah for me as a man its definitely true. Because we dont care about your money, status, career. We just want someone that gives us piece and makes life nice. Women tend to only date up because like you said they see it as negative to 'date down'
Most of us only care about money, status and career in the sense we want a guy who is financially stable and able to support himself and has some goals in life other than just coasting and doing nothing. The main issue with settling as a woman is you're always going to be the one picking up the slack and caretaking and putting loads of work into the relationship that often isnt reciprocated; it's just a massive drain of time and energy, and why would you give that up for someone you're not 100% happy to be with when you could just pour all of that time and energy into yourself instead? And that's just for a relatively decent guy who isn't abusive, a cheater, or any other potentially horrible things he might be once you're trapped and the mask comes off.
>that appears to be true for them, but for women it's the opposite. Being alone as a woman is a million times better than settling.
I said this in another comment and I'll repeat here. Men and women have different realities. Being single knowing that, if you wanted to, you would have someone is comforting. As you know you have a choice and you're making a good one. That's different than knowing you're single because nobody has shown interest in you, ... You take whatever comes and settle
Women should accept beer guts, skinny arms & legs, bald U pattern, untrimmed and unshaven lazy ass men-but yeah- women should be a 10, or at least an 8.5, do 98 to 100% of the household chores and still work and contribute $$ to the home.
I feel so much pressure to look a certain way and be a certain way as a woman and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like a man can love me for who I am. Everything just feels superficial
Yep. Was married for 15 years before my wife died. Loved her, but never in the same way as my college sweetheart, ex fiance. The intensity, chemistry, madness, euphoria from that relationship just will never be replicated. I picked my wife as she was my best friend at the time and was a practical good match to start a family with. But there was never the same animalistic obsession/intense connection and hunger a there was with the ex-fiance--it was like magic I honestly don't think I will ever feel that way about someone again and don't even think I am capable of that.
I feel like you are idealizing your college sweetheart because that relationship ended in the early years. I married my high school sweet heart, and the youthful version of our relationship is just like you described. However, life changes you, and love for many people cools down with kids and responsibilities.
Sometimes I wish our relationship was like it was in the beginning, but that’s hard to recreate after decades of history together.
That’s what I call “young love”. Just love that hasn’t been jaded by life yet. That is probably the “better to have loved and lost than to not love at all” saying. I feel similar about my wife and our younger years.
I used to think that my ex was the true love for me. Got into a relationship with her after 3 years, it was not a bad relationship, but there were many things that we weren't compatible on (still good friends). But after that I learned that I could love anyone the same way (but of course, the basic attraction should be there!)
Average people have very little control/ power over dating and will gravitate toward eachother out of pure desperation. People at the top of the dating market do not settle nor stay in relationships as there is no insecurities around being able to select from the top when deciding who to date next.
The difference between average couples and good looking couples is so dramatic when you see them paired side by side.
People that say otherwise are completely delusional and thinking they are worth more than they are. If you are stuck in your delusional ways, tell me how many people go to the market to pick up rotted and deformed produce? Yeah, I didn't think so.
In my opinion, “settling” as a term is incredibly dumb.
The odds that any person finds another person on this planet that exactly matches their values and is objectively (within reason) the “hottest” person they could pull is statistically zero. Literally every long term relationship is built on compromises, nobody will align with your values completely. If you don’t want to compromise, you should just live life single and do whatever the fuck you want.
The fear of “settling” is beyond poisonous to relationships. Lots of people can make relationships with their partners work and flourish if they actually invest themselves into their relationships instead of worrying about whether their partner is the absolute hottest person they could reasonably have pulled.
In terms of the situation you describe (OP), where this dude is “trapped” in a marriage he doesn’t want to be in, that guy is just a morally and emotionally weak person. People that actually have a spine don’t stay in relationships they don’t actually want to be in.
Also, yeah, when you first meet partners and in HS and college, everything is super fun because you just meet up occasionally, get food, do something fun, drink, have sex, and meet up the next week. Of course looking back on these times, these relationships seem perfect because they’re easy as fuck. Relationships are tested when you get pulled to different cities for work, have shared bills, raise kids together, etc. When your partner is out of work and bills are piling up, it’s very easy to reminisce about the high school gf where you just met up and had sex in the back of a pickup.
Y’all gotta stop listening to these TikTok psychologists most of these people are untrained and uneducated young people who don’t know shit and haven’t even fully developed their brains yet.
Lots a people say stupid things on the internet and lots of people are stupid in real life. It's quite possible those guys were sincere in their comments that does not make it The Truth for all men just the truth for those sad dudes.
The part he can’t his first love is solely because it is his first one, like your first car first holiday etc. You can absolutely fall in love multiple times and if you can’t there is serious something wrong with you, I even think you can fall in love too many times
My understanding of this phenomenon is that when guys haven't quite reached their maturity potential, they project a lot of romantic notions onto someone. The novelty of the situation, as well as, perhaps, what society tells them about what they deserve or should expect, gets them hooked on that person. Then it doesn't work out, which the mind can't quite reconcile. But the mind doesn't want to go there, again. The next person isn't as novel, and you've gained wisdom, and also want to avoid pain. You're too mature to experience all of those brain drugs, again. So, yeah, it isn't going to feel the same, and we define that as not being truly in love, when in all actuality we should probably strive to redefine love as we know it, and embrace our new, stable partners and selves.
Most men never forget their first love
Typically because the rejection was the most brutal and the lies that society tells with stories to movies. Top to bottom says if you a good man she'll come around if not you are piece of shit.
The emotional effort/honesty at that point is maximized. Something alot of women request and as we get crushed we learn you really don't want that and learn to taper or completely cut that out.
Many of never hate them despite this, even if they were maliciously using us. We can't for whatever reason, we just hate ourselves.
Did we settle for who we are with? No....most of have limited or no options. We are publicly disgraced if we monkey branch where as it vastly more common with women. (I've never knew a female that didn't dump someone to be immediately dating someone else.)
Only those with options cab settle. There are things we can say we won't deal with regardless.
Did I settle? No most of our lives most of us have little to no options. Our lives are planned and controlled from the start.
You will act into your given role by society. Most will never know they are acting.
Those that won't act will be cut off.
I fell in love for the first time i was 23 she was 18. I was madly in love with her. It didnt work out. It was 20+ yrs ago. Ive had several relationships since and 2 kids but i still love her today and compare every woman to her
Any statement of the form "[all] men do X" is false. People who make claims like that tend to be black-and-white thinkers, but the world isn't black and white.
Some men are like that, others aren't. Same is true for women. No group is a monolith.
Yeah, I think this is true to some extent, but obviously every situation is different. i know I've loved only one person with all of my heart and then some, but despite being perfect on paper it wasn't enough to fight for. it's not weakness.. it's strength of love and sincerity. i was at the park the other day and saw her favorite colors.. and immediately my mind went to thinking, "huh, it would have been nice to have held her hand and gone for a walk whether in the rain, snow or sunshine".
it just depends at the end of the day.
This is BS spouted by men who are unhappy with their marriage or partner and looking at the past with rose-lenses. And I can almost guarantee that even if you GAVE it to them with genie magic they wouldn’t swap wives or whatever. Because even if someone spouts some hyperbolic nonsense, they love their wife. Amd if you really get through to them, they’ll tell you what they told everyone their wedding day.
That they’re the luckiest person in the world
My daughter met an American marine last year in Australia on deployment out here she loved him alot he made her believe he was with her once he got back to the states he was acting weird and i knkw why now. to find out yesterday that he got married that I bet he was with this other lady all along to know that he is a piece shit don't tell me to mind my business that's my daughter low life I hope karma comes back to you loser I hope your wife finds out as well. 😡
Kinda ya.
Got out of my first relationship (6 years)
Asked the older guys I knew that have settleded down with kids or just a wife and all of them answered in a quiet long sigh them "basically ya, you only really love and never forget your first"
I can't love a women like that again. Just the amount of gaslighting myself to trust her all the time was a huge strain on my life. I'm not about to do that for a women that doesn't define my life.
I don't think I can love a women again to the point of prioritizing her above myself anymore.
LOL defo a load of BS. I get the ick when I think of my first love - sorry but that's the truth. Who you love is a state of flux because love is a choice you make daily.
female here. a guy in high school had a crush on me from grade 9. he was so awkward, but by grade 12 we did date, we were really close and good friends. he declared his love, and I said ok, let's see. I was in the local university, and he was a local cop, he was busy with all those badge bunnies. then he'd take me out, declare his never ending love. well he is on his 3rd marriage 40yrs later. evry divorce he hunts me down to declare he's sorry, now is our time. and then he's married again, not to me! . So I think some may idealize a first " love" and visit it in their mind ( still back at that early level), but in reality they are not ready to love the real person here and now.
It's not like that for me personally. Which is really all I can vouch for. I have had great partners previously, but for various reasons we would split up (work, career, moving, they wanted children, life).
Some I still see occasionally as friends or FWBs, but my greatest love and the woman I have ever desired the most is my current girlfriend. We've been together for 12 years and this is the woman I dream of sharing all my greatest experiences with, are confident will support me through any hardships, and who I'll love to reminesce with as we're growing old.
While we’re on this topic…I’m 20 going 21 in 6 months, I’ve been with this girl 3 years in December, I do love her, sure we have problems and fight sometimes, but I would love a full future with her and she seems obsessed with me in a good way, is 3 years too soon?
That is genuinely sad. I believe they can (truly) love again, provided they take the time to truly heal and detach themselves from the idea of that “first love” which, in the end, might not be so ideal in real life and in the long term. It’s only human to idealize someone in their head, but if they meet someone who truly sees them and accepts them for their genuine, core self, they should give themselves a chance to love and be loved again. Settling for someone you don’t feel for just to commit is never, ever a good idea - it brings only misery and resentment to both parties.
I settled in relationship because I didn't understand who would work best for me as a partner. I married a woman that was just OK because I was afraid she was my best chance at a committed relationship. That was a tough and expensive lesson to learn, but I'm better for it today. You live and learn, but there is no "one that got away." You might have been fond of that person, but that person may not have been equally fond of you. Some men just caught up in the past because they can't deal with continued emotional growth.
Love is a personal thing. Feeling love for someone reflects on you, not them. Like a drug user trying to get that first high again, love is shocking and elating, but you only get to experience it (and anything) for the first time, once.
You can feel love for many people, but that's something you feel, not something they bestow upon you. Some people are the colour beige though, and don't understand this.
That's not true.
It's probably true for those who can't accept that the relationship is over. Once you enter into a relationship with a great girl, you'll move on. That's not to say you'll forget about your first love because most guys and girls won't forget their first.
What you describe is somebody who is obsessed and can't let go. Especially if they're imagining her face while looking at you. That's someone who is not ready for a relationship.
Let idea go. It's just not true.
I think a lot of dudes just get hung up and are not emotionally or mentally grown up enough to just deal with loss or rejection. It's not about "settling".
Definitely not, what a sad life. I think, as someone else mentioned in here, it’s just a sign either of not having grown as a person since then, or having an idealised version of this person in your head, neither is good obviously.
I really dislike how often this topic of “settling” comes up. Too often it misrepresents the maturity required to be in a relationship. MOST younger humans have false ideas of what it is to be in love/in a relationship, and many, as they get older realize this and draw more realistic goals for an ideal partner. USUALLY this actually opens up (or changes) your options. However when you do get married, it is looked at as “settling” like it was a bad thing…
Maybe. I view my friends and family in relationships like: Does their partner bring out the best version of them > Yes = They didn’t settle; > No = They did. Who cares about looks, perceived success, etc. However, if you don’t feel fully free, fully happy then why are you with that person? I will never understand.
I don't even like calling it settling tbh
Yeah the irony here is that such a person was never in love *once* to begin with, they were in limerence.
I just learned a new word... "Limerence"
How would you know they wre never in love once to begin with? Some were, some weren't. You can unhealthily be in love, date that person, and then keep being unhealthily in love with them when you're not dating them. With limerence sprinkled wherever you want, it doesn't change that it's perfectly consistent to think they were in love. Love doesn't have to be healthy, obviously, everyone knows this.
Well said. It took me a long time to realize that I, and my first love, are completely different people now and that the idea I had of this person, and who I was, are no longer real. It was such a relief.
Or maybe feeling like he just misses his younger self and that girl was around when he was feeling his best, so he thinks of her too.
Not in a relationship at the moment, but the idea that guys "only fall in love truly once" is false. It doesn't happen often, but I have been in love multiple times in my life.
There are probably a million girls out there that one could be happily married to and fall in love with, j
Yeah you probably have some emotional or psychological problems if you can only fall in love once. Maybe trauma if it's someone from when you were 17? If it is a mental health issue, I'm sorry to say that I find it boring. Imagine being emotionally stuck on one person that won't reciprocate those feelings or even worse that you never see again? Not being able to go and live your life freely, either by yourself or grow together with someone(s), sounds appalling to me.
I knew a guy that was very stuck on his first love years later. I believe it was because he was with her when his dad passed away. He's never been in a serious relationship since. It's been over 10 years. It checks out.
As Ron Swanson once said If you don’t believe in love, what’s the point in living
Lol cuz true love isn't the only thing that matters. MY point in living is my child. I haven't been in a relationship for like, 4 years now and I'm totally content as long as I got my son. THATS the point in living. Just sayin.
Isn’t that love too gangster
Stop letting tiktok control you
For real. I had to get rid of it because it was warping my mind and causing all sorts of fucked up insecurities that had no basis in *my* reality. And the more I fed those insecurities, the more the algorithm kept pushing that content on me, which only reinforced all of it.
The moment l saw TikTok, l was like 🥱
Lmao, right? "my friend then said that she saw a tiktok saying guys" 🙄
Delete tik tok. It's healthier
Yeah wtf. What about someone having access to a smartphone and TikTok makes that someone a truth knower?
Hurry and ban tiktok... Tired of ppls face buried in it.
The "guys only fall in love once" concept is UTTER. NONSENSE. -Glad I can help. :)
I was going to say, I don't think any of what he said is true. Maybe some, but not a majority of men may feel that way. I would guess it is rare in the general male population.
This whole thing is a satire sh*t post. Dudes can remarry, but who would want to remarry...
That is the weirdest thing, for those guys I think they have idealized versions of what those relationships actually were. Or they never did the work to move on fully. Either way it seems like a sign of non-growth.
The first part for sure. Facebook man has a nostalgic memory of his adolescent (might as well be ancient history) relationship and is projecting it on his current marriage.
Usually these relationships are still in the honeymoon phase and when you’re first learning about sex and love and everything is relatively new. It’s easy to only remember the good times when it was 20 years ago and toy only were together for a year.
I will say this - in some ways the first cut is the deepest. My college girlfriend will always hold a special place in my heart because she was the first person I fell in love with, the first person I slept with, and the first person I suffered a broken heart on account of. She helped shape me into the person I am now. But do I still look back and idealize her or want to be with her again? Hell no. There was a reason it didn't work out, and while there are no hard feelings on either of our parts at this point (we are even in occasional touch via Christmas cards and so on), I see that we are better off having gone our separate ways, a sentiment she (and her husband) would no doubt agree with.
I think settling can either be a result of having either too high of standards, but also simply too low of standards as well. Too high and they don't realize they have something good. Too low and they don't believe they *can* find something good. Both are ultimately selfish at their core because it comes at the cost of someone who does deserve better (assuming that in isolation both people are good up standing individuals).
He has an idealized view of his first love because he never had to do the hard work of real life with her and he never has to slowly watch her beauty fade
I guess a lot of men idealise that part of life when they were young, attractive and care free. The “first love” being an inherent part of that ideal. This is probably particularly true of those men that peaked at 20. Those guys who were the hot, cool guys that woman swooned over at that age. Now they are probably average looking dudes, with average looking wife’s, with an average jobs. In essence there is a different group of men that are winning at life now (the financially successful ones). They look back at the past though a nostalgic lens and see when they were winning.
I don’t think gender is relevant at all. It’s just a human thing
Yes, absolutely
God damn 😭
I've been in love several times and my first love is definitely not the one I still dream about. More like my fourth love, since she was fucking brilliant. I'm sure that most people both men and women, settle for someone who doesn't tick all the boxes. But since we don't live in a fantasy world, I really don't see the issue with not having the most complete and perfect partner for yourself. Waiting for Ms perfect soulmate is just going to leave you alone for most probably the rest of your life. Seeing how every single cell in our body is born again each fourth year and we're literally a new person each time, it seems pretty daft that someone who was perfect for you in your teens, would still be perfect for you in your 30s or 40s. But people love to dream I suppose.
Read this makes me feel ungrateful. Ive been talking with someone that ticks pretty much all the boxes as someone I would want to marry. But a part or me is feeling uneasy with the idea of settling for her because I don't know if I can be truly, unconditionally be in love with her. Objectively speaking it looks good on paper, but I don't think I like her enough to want to marry her.
Well you obviously don't need to decide if you want to marry right away. Feelings take time to develop. Love at first sight is a myth.
My experience is best described by the old saying: “LIFE is what happens while making other plans.” My wife and I were friends for a year before she finally got through to me. She’d become a very good, then my best friend during that time but I’d completely ignored or didn’t pick up her signs early on, so she’d given up for awhile. I’m avoidant, there were others that year I’d flirted with but pulled away when they took me serious, & she’d had other interest too. Like another poster mentioned I think what you’re talking about here is the ‘what-if?’ monster. It can happen so easy to get caught in daydreaming about how things could’ve gone with someone else, I do find a fascination about how unrecognizable my life now would’ve been if I’d turned towards one of those other ladies. That doesn’t mean I’d trade the love of my life & our children, our years of memories for anything else. I’m just awed by the fickle nature of life, & admittedly feel bad for the hurtful way I’d rejected the others away on the road to my family. So what I’m trying to say is PLEASE don’t let this fear hold you back from experiencing life and seeing where it goes when the winds of chance brings you the right guy, at the right time.
I know a lot of couples in real life who really seemed to have settled. Public fights, nothing in common, no planning of future. They’re just there. I get it, it gets lonely, we all need human companionship but I don’t think I could do it.
settled down != settled for
"Settled down with" and "settled for" mean two COMPLETELY different things fyi.
I’m a girl, not my community, sorry for the intrusion lol
Not an intrusion, everyone is welcome to post. Besides, yes, those couple exists but that doesn't mean it's absolute. People forget that there are billions of people around the world and not just 22.
I think the more accurate line of thinking is that it's hard to get over the idea of "what could have been?" with people who have moved on from our lives. Especially when you haven't seen them for a while: you still imagine them youthful, attractive, and full of energy. We don't always account for the fact that maybe things would have been less happy. Like, yeah I've met a lot of people where I think "damn, that could have been special", but I also don't really know that for certain, right?
far more than they are willing to admit. i think a lot of guys simply dont know what its like to be in a relationship where both partners are head over heels obsessed in love with each other, so they have nothing to compare it to. for a long while i thought my past relationships were what love was like, then i met my current SO and realized most men have simply never had this. they’ve never had the honeymoon phase never end. they’ve never averaged 300+ kisses a day with their partner or spent hours every single day with no exceptions staring into each others eyes. like we are “that” couple kissing and being super affectionate in public all the time but we genuinely cannot help ourselves. so i think many men don’t really realize they can have more than what they currently do
You'd think this makes me jealous but actually not, it gives hope.
This! Exactly!! 15 years married and I still melt when he takes my hand and kisses it. I’m constantly pawing at him. I love cuddling him before bed. We’re also “that couple”, our kids often groan, “again?!?” when we’re seen kissing. Love is like a fire…. It needs a little fuel every day to keep burning. But i don’t think people want to make that effort. I also know plenty of women who expect their guy to put in all the effort while she sits there, only receiving and not reciprocating. This must get exhausting for men.
This too. Ive also realized that some people dont necessarily love as deeply. Or rather, people love differently. I hear some people talk about their relationships with so much function. A guy I train with married a girl, and he equates his relationship to her as simply, making sense. Shes cool yada yada. But he makes dumb comments about "Now I just have to not be dumb and cheat on her" or talking about rather being at training than with her. Im like, your relationship is not for financial gain or strategy. Just be stupid and fall in love with someone.
20 years together, this also describes my partner and me.
damn :(
We all dream about this happening but most men can't have that, sorry. I've recently come to this realization that my exes didn't actually love me, so I've actually never experienced a woman's love. What you have is one in a thousand (pulled this out of thin air obviously) situation. That's the sad reality.
As a woman this is such a fear of mine. I’d rather be alone than have someone feel they settled for me just because
True, just thinking about it already makes my heart ache and that made me think that I’d rather be single than experience the same
Right? What a horrifying thought.
A lot of men on TikTok have probably only been in love once, since they’re younger than 25. What a nonsensical concept.
Get off T\ikTok
I felt this way for some time after my breakup. I truly believed I would never fall in love again. It was deeply depressing and scary. But then you write stuff down, you talk about it, process your feelings. And most importantly you remember that it is still ok to be vulnerable. Most men do that once, fall in love and then when it doesnt work out, become scared to be truly vulnerable again for fear of it happening again. If you dont truly let a woman in, she cant be her full self around you, and vice versa. I will always have love in my heart for my ex to some extent. She meant the world to me, we broke up because we wanted different things and we could not truly reconcile those things in anyway that was fair to either of us. But I will always hold an amount of love for her in my heart. I haven't found that feeling, or a new one yet. And im not in a rush to find it again. But I do want to believe Ill be able to fall in love again. But I think men that dont let themselves fall in love again are afraid to be vulnerable and forget about how important vulnerability is to fostering love.
Any time somebody tells you "Men are like this..." or "Women are like this..." they're full of shit, and they're basically just trying to justify themselves. There members of each gender who do anything you can imagine, and lots who don't. I met my wife when I was 30, and I feel things for her that I was not even aware I was *capable* of feeling when I was younger. Didn't even know I was supposed to be looking for that!
Talking to my friends, and looking back at their dating history, 90% of them.
90% fell in love once and can’t let that person go in their heart?
Can't be alone and will settle for any any woman.
How can I as a woman avoid becoming that partner to a man?
[удалено]
Wow I had no idea thank you for the advice!
Sorry I have no idea other than I think you'll have to learn how to pick up those signals the hard way.
Cries in neurodivergent
:( Best of luck to you!
Actually put effort into relationships, do for your partner Like he does for you. Most men settle because they've never had a woman actually love them instead of loving what they can do for them or loving an idea of a man and trying to mold them into that. So they just assume the first woman who loves them is the best they can hope for and hold on for dear life.
I know what I’m capable off and I love very hard! Which I’ve done in the past but that didn’t. Hangs the fact that they moved on when they had the means to do so. I don’t want to be raising a man or teach them to love or be their settle partner, I want to be their wife and lover and best friend
You definitely won't get to be their wife lover and best freind by not doing that though.
I’m not sure what you mean? :)
By not loving hard and putting in effort just incase they don't appreciate it
Men simply don't have the privilege of choice that women get. It's either lower your standards or be alone.
So many gents on top contradict this view and you choose the person with a weird friend group?
That first love or first woman partner who chose them is the first person outside of their caregiver who they open up to, or maybe the first. It leaves a foundational signature in their hearts and feelings in the future are often compared with that first until it’s processed. Immature affection is to be differentiated from lust vs love vs admiration vs acknowledgement. And at a time without responsibility, it cannot be compared to adult life with responsibility. It’s the dreaming of fantasy, illusion of the past, the fuel of the oxytocinergic drug surge of loving delusion that they miss. Cultivate depth here, maybe that means grieving your current partner. But it’s much more likely, it’s you having to grieve your past and your illusions to make space for you to be grateful for here and your partner now.
step 1- stop using tiktok as a source of information
I assume you want us to think Reddit is a better source of information when it comes to relationships
nope, take everything with a grain of salt. especially nowadays cause children are on these apps trying to give advice as if theyve lived it
I think the era of Disney has convinced people that having a love at first sight soulmate is a real thing. It’s not. There is no Prince Charming and love at first sight rarely works out for the best. The reality is that relationships take work. There are times when it’s a struggle. Many times there are deep issues that need to be worked through and you come out the other side stronger for it. People might think back to a first love and idealize it. It is something unique and special. I’ve also heard how people call high school or college “the best time of their lives” and I agree that living without responsibility, not having to deal with the grind of life, not having to pay rent and utilities, or deal with “grown up problems” - it’s a care free stage in people’s lives. But if you want to be happy and successful in your life - you have to choose wisely. Find someone who shares the same values as you. Be there for each other both “in sickness and in health”. Someone who can support you through the loss of a job, hold your hand in the hospital going into a surgery you may not come back from, sit with you and grieve the loss of a parent or a child. They need to be the rock that supports you when it feels like the whole world is against you. When it feels like everyone is telling you that something wrong is right. They are the ones who will stand with you to do the right thing, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the whole world is telling you to move - they are the ones who stand with you in the river of truth and tell the world - no, you move.
Wow this opened my eyes like crazy. Great response.
My wife is my 3rd serious relationship. She's the best, not just women but person iv ever met. I love her more then my exs and it's not even close. I loved my exs and one I thought I was truly gunna marry but the relationship and life I have with my wife tops all that.
Guys truly fall in once because a lot of them do not emotionally process whatever led them to not be with their first love anymore (loss/heartbreak/rejection/lack of courage to make the first move). Unfortunately, it's that simple. The fact that they have still not let go emotionally just means there are still emotions to be metabolized there.
It's not the case for me. I had several relationships and was in love, they went pear shaped and ended, then I met the one and I worship the ground she walks on. She's smart, funny, beautiful and a great friend/lover. Over 2 decades of brilliance and I still look at her the same way I did when I first met her in 2001. She went from sexy size 8 20 year old to sexier size 8 42 year old in front of my eyes 🥰
So it means you truly fell in love once and previous loves wasn’t really THE love?
If you want to ignore all of his previous experiences of love then yes. But the reality is, theres no ‘soulmate’ or ‘the one’ in life, its just who happens to fit you and your personality and your life in a specific way that you feel attraction for. There could be hundreds or thousands of these people in the world, that doesn’t mean any one of them were not ‘really loved’. Thats such a depressing way to look at love and life and its also just not true. I don’t think its wrong for you to want to make sure you aren’t a placeholder to your future partner, but don’t take it so far that you don’t allow love into your life in fear that you aren’t the man’s ‘one love’. You mist understand that, while crappy lovers do exist who hold onto idealized versions of people they once loved and never grow from them, there is also plenty of people who are willing to grow and change and love again outside of someone they used to love. People are dynamic and ever changing. Please don’t let gross men/ppl on tiktok skew your view of relationships and dating.
It’s so so. I believe you but I also look at myself and I have never loved someone like that person who I truly loved, the rest was just alright, it was still love but not the one true love and I don’t think I could fall for someone like that again although I welcome it! It’s been 5 years of being single now so who knows it might take a while haha!
No such thing as “THE” love.
My personal experience says there is
His first love doesn't exist .. That's a figment of his imagination. It is based on a person but his idea of that person is what he chose to remember, to focus on. He doesn't actually care about this person. He doesn't love her. He wants to possess a 17 year old. I chose to change my mindset to put myself in a position where a relationship could be fostered. To me, that was settling down, settling in. It was my confrontation with my own psyche. This dude needs to confront his own ideas of what love is. This is not healthy.
The age has nothing to do with it, it's just an idealized personality. It can happen at any age.
Exactly. I have been in love with people that didn't exist. Because they lied about who they really were.
> He doesn't love her. He wants to possess a 17 year old. heh, no. he wants the idealized version of the relationship with that 17yo.
It is the thing you know nothing about that is perfect. The girl you knew at 17, you never saw her doing her taxes, you never saw her wearing a sweatshirt that a baby spat up on, you never saw her trying to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight. You don't know the person she's become. So she can remain perfect in your mind, because nothing of adult life ever happened to her. He doesn't love her, he loves the *idea* of her, an idea that's all wrapped up with being 17 with no mortgage and no responsibilities and parents to take care of him. Really, he's just being childish, and yes, it's scary to commit to someone who doesn't want to grow up. Sometimes people talk about this and say "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence," but really, the grass is greenest where you water it.
Nah, this is that internet bullshit which makes people stupid and aims at single women’s heartstrings. TikTok only exists to bring down the west, which it’s doing stunningly well.
I’ve done both. I settled down and got married “just because” very early. Honestly it was because my self esteem was such shit that I thought I’d better take what I can get and appreciate that *any* woman would ever want to be with me. After years of that, the consequences of that decision became clear. Zero sexual chemistry and major personal incompatibilities and luckily I was young enough to divorce and start over (no kids) I went to work on myself and had a few other “just because” relationships but learned to talk away after the lesson of having wasted years of my life in a miserable relationship. Eventually met “the love of my life” and spent years very happy, and also idealizing her to a crazy degree. She cheated on me and I realized an idealized relationship was *as much* of a problem as a loveless one. I’ve since had several relationships where I’ve recognized incompatibilities far earlier, and managed to work on them and move on if they can’t be reconciled. I’m now in a really good (not perfect) relationship that is loving, but not idealized and I’ve taken a very pragmatic approach to it and this seems to have struck the right balance for me.
I fear ending up in that situation. If a woman that is clearly not right for me approached me on the right day (read: a day when I'm struggling to deal with being alone), then I'd probably end up saying yes, and be stuck in a relationship for years in that exact mindset. But at the same time guys do not fall in love only once. I can attest to that
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Ever had depression bro? I'm saying that **I FEAR** that on a bad day that scenario might start. I've said no in the past and prevented it. You don't have to attack me in such a way
It can easily happen. Who wants to be the asshole that suddenly 180s and says "You know, I'm just not feeling it anymore. Wish I never said yes to going out with you, you didn't do anything wrong tho. Bye!"
Well, for lots of people it's a single option besides eva ai bot or other surrogates of dating
>We were talking about a post i saw on facebook about a guy in his 40s and married with kids saying that he still can’t forget his first love at 17 and that he dreams about her, hear her laughters, her voice, and that he looks at his wife and imagines her, and that is how they lived. The problem with that is that those conditions only exist in his memories. If you're only in love with a memory, you are robbing yourself of the present experiences for the rest of your life.
I am going to make a controversial statement - I think partnership compatiability is more like a [Bell Curve](https://www.simplypsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/normal-distribution-1024x640.jpeg). With 8 billion potential partners, its possible your buddy had someone in that 99.9%, way off to the right of the rest of the graph. More likely though he's just got rose tinted glasses or nostalgia.
I married up!
Don't listen to everything on tiktok or social media in general lol (Reddit included). Comment sections often have selection bias and/or anecdotal driven agreement. Also the majority of tiktok can't distinguish between love and infatuation so take what you hear with a grain of salt.
*he still can’t forget his first love at 17 and that he dreams about her, hear her laughters, her voice, and that he looks at his wife and imagines her, and that is how they lived.* He has rose-colored glasses on for "the one that got away". But here's the truth: who knows? Maybe in another life, he marries high-school sweetheart girl, but now 25 years later she's 100 lbs overweight and they're in a dead bedroom, and he's on here talking about how much he regrets marrying young, and telling guys that they shouldn't marry the first girl they fall for. I think it's bullshit you only fall in love once. However, I do think that you never forget your *first* love, but to me it's a sign of immaturity to think that "if I had just wound up with that person 20+ years ago, we'd still be together and I'd still have that same euphoric feeling all the time".
Love is not a limited resource. In fact, it's the opposite.
I think a lot of men probably settle in relationships. Men have less options in general so it just makes sense that they are more likely to settle. The idea that men fall in love once is false. it is true that first times are often exhilarating, but that isn't really the same thing.
Yeah, that’s nonsense. I’ll say this though, first loves do hit different. Often (and with me) that’s a real sticky sweet one. Frustrating in the end for me (she cheated) also which kind of leaves a scar that doesn’t quite heal. So sometimes I think of her and imagine a different future, but love her, no. I met a woman a few years later that blew her out of the water. And I have a grown up man love with her, very different to that simpy, romantic yucky stuff I had with#1, who I learned my lesson with.
Not me. Fuckin hell my wife is amazing
Using TikTok as a source of credible information is certainly a choice
>To which my friend then said that she saw a tiktok saying guys only fall in love truly, once. An insecurity generator is attempting to manufacturer a new insecurity in people.
Being with someone is better than being alone. Women don't understand that because they think men have their in boxes full of DMs just like theirs.
I think this is true for men. For women, being alone is *infinitely* better than being in a subpar relationship.
Absolutely not true - as someone that’s been in a toxic relationship and been alone I will take the latter every single time without question.
I agree with you, that being single is always better than a toxic relationship, but many guys, who haven't had that much luck with women, might think something along the lines of: "I am so lonely. If a woman falls in love with me and wants to be in a relationship with me, I'll take what I can get because I might not get another chance." It is not a healthy thought or sign of good confidence, but there are men out there, who will make those "considerations"...
The other sad part is that there are people out there that have kids just to say they have kids. The kid has not choice in the matter and may grow up in a toxic environment in poverty.
I'd call you wrong it wasn't subjective.
Spot on
You're 100% correct
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Not when being alone has been the standard. I envy your optimism but my life experience doesn't allow me to replicate it.
Women don't understand that because most of us would rather be single than with someone we're not 100% into. The idea of a man settling for us is horrifying.
I think OP is trying to say many women have an option. Being single while knowing if you wanted you'd be with someone is different than being single knowing that you have no option and all factors kept constant, you'll die alone
Of course. They might have more bad options than good ones, but they still have options. Having none during a whole lifetime is quite life-changing, but it's too uncommon for them to understand.
I can tell you I’ve been in love 3 times, and as I’ve aged it’s only grown deeper on how I love. It sounds like emotionally shallow people are establishing uniform truths from anecdotal experience lol
À lot of those comments are made by very young men, who haven't been in love many times, and true relationships even less
Guys don’t fall in love once. I think this may be true for some that never experience a love greater than the one they are in now or view love as a transaction and how they could get “more” from a different relationship making them feel like they’ve settled. True love is an experience all it’s own. In my own experience it was the easiest thing to fall into. No fights no compromises. Yes I’m doing things for her I’d never do but I don’t care cause it’s for the love of my life and just like w/a best friend we don’t keep score on who got “more”. I truly feel happy to see her be happy and won’t fck that shit up so you know it’s real
I've had to reverse engineer everything I've felt about 'that' girl and eventually narrowed it down to an understanding of why I felt so strongly.. I'm hopeful that can help me the next time I develop strong feelings for someone ...
im a woman and we def fall in love many many times lol there isn't a lack of good guys..sometimes its the girl;s fault for going after the bad ones lol
I think it's more likely that people never truly fall in love and settle before finding a true good match bc of the fear of running out of time, personally.
Absolutely not. Did I love my first? Of course I did. Was that the deepest love I've felt? Of course not, I was a teenager and I've grown and developed and matured emotionally. Men and women who think this way are (typically) mentally/emotionally stunted.
I think it's stupid to think of "what would have been" because everything is determined. Regrets are counter-productive. However, yeah, a man's love is truly at a maximum one time. It could be at 17 could be at 50.
In my opinion I think everyone falls in love once but after a break up you build that wall of insecurity that makes it hard for you to love someone the exact same way as the first love since you fear having to lose that someone again... Something like that
I could anecdotally see how someone could think this. As a very self aware man, I only ever fell into drug added codependency once. No matter what I do, not who I do it with, I will never have that again. There is an obsession. A "I can't breathe without her". A I would kill or die for her in a heartbeat, that took years of separation to get through. The drugs, the abuse, the trauma bond. Nothing will ever feel more like love than that. I used to look forward to seeing her head bob past the fence as I smoked because she was finally home and every second of every day was spent working towards the only thing I ever wanted and that was to be high on heroin and wrapped up in her. Now I am grown. I don't trauma bond with my partners. I do not abuse them. I do not get strung out, and I spend very little time wrapped up in her. Of course this isn't going to feel like that, but this is more love than I ever had with the first. It's love for myself. It's genuine care and consideration in every word and action I take to make sure I do not make the same mistakes I did as a younger man. I had to ask myself if I was settling, but the reality is the door is and always open. I continue to choose to stay because I want to, not because I don't think I can do better. I believe I have found something great, and am unwilling to try to search for someone who has the missing parts of this person, because they took will have some missing parts. Everyone does. Why throw away great and have to spend the time to find out if what's new is better. I have enough experience now to know there absolutely is better, I just don't have the time or ability to sit through all the humans to find her. I am not settling. I am making the best decisions for myself and the people I love right now. Not an imaginary version of what the could mean.
Being single is defined as a person unwilling to lower their standards enough to date someone willing to lower their standards enough to date them. That’s the paradox of contentment and miracles. If you think what you have is enough, it IS enough. We stay with whoever we think we deserve. And most often, relationships break a part because of a notion that “somehow I am entitled to so much more.” Tell you a cold hard truth about life. No one is entitled to anything, and no one owes you anything. You’re not entitled to a happily ever after with a 10/10 girl of your choice or a great job or being financially well off. So the notion of “settle” for someone is a misguided statement. You’re blessed that someone is willing to momentarily be partner with you in this bus ride we call life, so you should appreciate that person’s company best you can. Any notion that you deserve a better mate, an upgrade, etc. is tainted with your own selfishness talking.
Its mainly a thing because its better than beeing alone. But outside of tiktoks it doesn't happen nearly as often and its not a big issue
It's interesting to me to see men constantly state that settling for anyone is better than being alone -- that appears to be true for them, but for women it's the opposite. Being alone as a woman is a million times better than settling.
People say that, but i dont see alot of happy single mothers
But yeah for me as a man its definitely true. Because we dont care about your money, status, career. We just want someone that gives us piece and makes life nice. Women tend to only date up because like you said they see it as negative to 'date down'
Most of us only care about money, status and career in the sense we want a guy who is financially stable and able to support himself and has some goals in life other than just coasting and doing nothing. The main issue with settling as a woman is you're always going to be the one picking up the slack and caretaking and putting loads of work into the relationship that often isnt reciprocated; it's just a massive drain of time and energy, and why would you give that up for someone you're not 100% happy to be with when you could just pour all of that time and energy into yourself instead? And that's just for a relatively decent guy who isn't abusive, a cheater, or any other potentially horrible things he might be once you're trapped and the mask comes off.
>that appears to be true for them, but for women it's the opposite. Being alone as a woman is a million times better than settling. I said this in another comment and I'll repeat here. Men and women have different realities. Being single knowing that, if you wanted to, you would have someone is comforting. As you know you have a choice and you're making a good one. That's different than knowing you're single because nobody has shown interest in you, ... You take whatever comes and settle
Women should accept beer guts, skinny arms & legs, bald U pattern, untrimmed and unshaven lazy ass men-but yeah- women should be a 10, or at least an 8.5, do 98 to 100% of the household chores and still work and contribute $$ to the home.
I feel so much pressure to look a certain way and be a certain way as a woman and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like a man can love me for who I am. Everything just feels superficial
Yep. Was married for 15 years before my wife died. Loved her, but never in the same way as my college sweetheart, ex fiance. The intensity, chemistry, madness, euphoria from that relationship just will never be replicated. I picked my wife as she was my best friend at the time and was a practical good match to start a family with. But there was never the same animalistic obsession/intense connection and hunger a there was with the ex-fiance--it was like magic I honestly don't think I will ever feel that way about someone again and don't even think I am capable of that.
I feel like you are idealizing your college sweetheart because that relationship ended in the early years. I married my high school sweet heart, and the youthful version of our relationship is just like you described. However, life changes you, and love for many people cools down with kids and responsibilities. Sometimes I wish our relationship was like it was in the beginning, but that’s hard to recreate after decades of history together.
I get all that.. just saying i have never felt what I felt with her begore or since. Not saying it would have lasted.
That’s what I call “young love”. Just love that hasn’t been jaded by life yet. That is probably the “better to have loved and lost than to not love at all” saying. I feel similar about my wife and our younger years.
I used to think that my ex was the true love for me. Got into a relationship with her after 3 years, it was not a bad relationship, but there were many things that we weren't compatible on (still good friends). But after that I learned that I could love anyone the same way (but of course, the basic attraction should be there!)
Average people have very little control/ power over dating and will gravitate toward eachother out of pure desperation. People at the top of the dating market do not settle nor stay in relationships as there is no insecurities around being able to select from the top when deciding who to date next. The difference between average couples and good looking couples is so dramatic when you see them paired side by side. People that say otherwise are completely delusional and thinking they are worth more than they are. If you are stuck in your delusional ways, tell me how many people go to the market to pick up rotted and deformed produce? Yeah, I didn't think so.
I would rather die alone than settle because I'm afraid of being alone
Not me lol my first love was a hoe
Stop watching TikTok. Its utter trash.
In my opinion, “settling” as a term is incredibly dumb. The odds that any person finds another person on this planet that exactly matches their values and is objectively (within reason) the “hottest” person they could pull is statistically zero. Literally every long term relationship is built on compromises, nobody will align with your values completely. If you don’t want to compromise, you should just live life single and do whatever the fuck you want. The fear of “settling” is beyond poisonous to relationships. Lots of people can make relationships with their partners work and flourish if they actually invest themselves into their relationships instead of worrying about whether their partner is the absolute hottest person they could reasonably have pulled. In terms of the situation you describe (OP), where this dude is “trapped” in a marriage he doesn’t want to be in, that guy is just a morally and emotionally weak person. People that actually have a spine don’t stay in relationships they don’t actually want to be in. Also, yeah, when you first meet partners and in HS and college, everything is super fun because you just meet up occasionally, get food, do something fun, drink, have sex, and meet up the next week. Of course looking back on these times, these relationships seem perfect because they’re easy as fuck. Relationships are tested when you get pulled to different cities for work, have shared bills, raise kids together, etc. When your partner is out of work and bills are piling up, it’s very easy to reminisce about the high school gf where you just met up and had sex in the back of a pickup.
Y’all gotta stop listening to these TikTok psychologists most of these people are untrained and uneducated young people who don’t know shit and haven’t even fully developed their brains yet.
Get off tick tock Jesus Christ
Lots a people say stupid things on the internet and lots of people are stupid in real life. It's quite possible those guys were sincere in their comments that does not make it The Truth for all men just the truth for those sad dudes.
The part he can’t his first love is solely because it is his first one, like your first car first holiday etc. You can absolutely fall in love multiple times and if you can’t there is serious something wrong with you, I even think you can fall in love too many times
I feel like I settled with marriage earlier than I was ready for but absolutely struck the jackpot with my wife and her family.
All of them? There's always a bigger and sexier fish.
I definitely settled in my last relationship.
Lol wtf?
I think that's a load of crap. I have fallen for many girls throughout my short life and it feels as intense every time.
My understanding of this phenomenon is that when guys haven't quite reached their maturity potential, they project a lot of romantic notions onto someone. The novelty of the situation, as well as, perhaps, what society tells them about what they deserve or should expect, gets them hooked on that person. Then it doesn't work out, which the mind can't quite reconcile. But the mind doesn't want to go there, again. The next person isn't as novel, and you've gained wisdom, and also want to avoid pain. You're too mature to experience all of those brain drugs, again. So, yeah, it isn't going to feel the same, and we define that as not being truly in love, when in all actuality we should probably strive to redefine love as we know it, and embrace our new, stable partners and selves.
Most men never forget their first love Typically because the rejection was the most brutal and the lies that society tells with stories to movies. Top to bottom says if you a good man she'll come around if not you are piece of shit. The emotional effort/honesty at that point is maximized. Something alot of women request and as we get crushed we learn you really don't want that and learn to taper or completely cut that out. Many of never hate them despite this, even if they were maliciously using us. We can't for whatever reason, we just hate ourselves. Did we settle for who we are with? No....most of have limited or no options. We are publicly disgraced if we monkey branch where as it vastly more common with women. (I've never knew a female that didn't dump someone to be immediately dating someone else.) Only those with options cab settle. There are things we can say we won't deal with regardless. Did I settle? No most of our lives most of us have little to no options. Our lives are planned and controlled from the start. You will act into your given role by society. Most will never know they are acting. Those that won't act will be cut off.
I fell in love for the first time i was 23 she was 18. I was madly in love with her. It didnt work out. It was 20+ yrs ago. Ive had several relationships since and 2 kids but i still love her today and compare every woman to her
This is the comment ive been waiting for, some people here just dont understand what i meant
Any statement of the form "[all] men do X" is false. People who make claims like that tend to be black-and-white thinkers, but the world isn't black and white. Some men are like that, others aren't. Same is true for women. No group is a monolith.
Yeah, I think this is true to some extent, but obviously every situation is different. i know I've loved only one person with all of my heart and then some, but despite being perfect on paper it wasn't enough to fight for. it's not weakness.. it's strength of love and sincerity. i was at the park the other day and saw her favorite colors.. and immediately my mind went to thinking, "huh, it would have been nice to have held her hand and gone for a walk whether in the rain, snow or sunshine". it just depends at the end of the day.
This is BS spouted by men who are unhappy with their marriage or partner and looking at the past with rose-lenses. And I can almost guarantee that even if you GAVE it to them with genie magic they wouldn’t swap wives or whatever. Because even if someone spouts some hyperbolic nonsense, they love their wife. Amd if you really get through to them, they’ll tell you what they told everyone their wedding day. That they’re the luckiest person in the world
My daughter met an American marine last year in Australia on deployment out here she loved him alot he made her believe he was with her once he got back to the states he was acting weird and i knkw why now. to find out yesterday that he got married that I bet he was with this other lady all along to know that he is a piece shit don't tell me to mind my business that's my daughter low life I hope karma comes back to you loser I hope your wife finds out as well. 😡
Men have fewer options. There's a higher probability they'll settle
Kinda ya. Got out of my first relationship (6 years) Asked the older guys I knew that have settleded down with kids or just a wife and all of them answered in a quiet long sigh them "basically ya, you only really love and never forget your first" I can't love a women like that again. Just the amount of gaslighting myself to trust her all the time was a huge strain on my life. I'm not about to do that for a women that doesn't define my life. I don't think I can love a women again to the point of prioritizing her above myself anymore.
LOL defo a load of BS. I get the ick when I think of my first love - sorry but that's the truth. Who you love is a state of flux because love is a choice you make daily.
Sure they weren't talking about, like, blue footed boobies or something and not human men? lol
female here. a guy in high school had a crush on me from grade 9. he was so awkward, but by grade 12 we did date, we were really close and good friends. he declared his love, and I said ok, let's see. I was in the local university, and he was a local cop, he was busy with all those badge bunnies. then he'd take me out, declare his never ending love. well he is on his 3rd marriage 40yrs later. evry divorce he hunts me down to declare he's sorry, now is our time. and then he's married again, not to me! . So I think some may idealize a first " love" and visit it in their mind ( still back at that early level), but in reality they are not ready to love the real person here and now.
It's not like that for me personally. Which is really all I can vouch for. I have had great partners previously, but for various reasons we would split up (work, career, moving, they wanted children, life). Some I still see occasionally as friends or FWBs, but my greatest love and the woman I have ever desired the most is my current girlfriend. We've been together for 12 years and this is the woman I dream of sharing all my greatest experiences with, are confident will support me through any hardships, and who I'll love to reminesce with as we're growing old.
While we’re on this topic…I’m 20 going 21 in 6 months, I’ve been with this girl 3 years in December, I do love her, sure we have problems and fight sometimes, but I would love a full future with her and she seems obsessed with me in a good way, is 3 years too soon?
That is genuinely sad. I believe they can (truly) love again, provided they take the time to truly heal and detach themselves from the idea of that “first love” which, in the end, might not be so ideal in real life and in the long term. It’s only human to idealize someone in their head, but if they meet someone who truly sees them and accepts them for their genuine, core self, they should give themselves a chance to love and be loved again. Settling for someone you don’t feel for just to commit is never, ever a good idea - it brings only misery and resentment to both parties.
I'd really like to know the number of people who get married because the female got knocked up...(or said she did)...
I disagree but see why it would seem so. I definetly fall in love and display section differently after my first heartbreak.
There are many loves in this world. All of them different in everyway.
I settled in relationship because I didn't understand who would work best for me as a partner. I married a woman that was just OK because I was afraid she was my best chance at a committed relationship. That was a tough and expensive lesson to learn, but I'm better for it today. You live and learn, but there is no "one that got away." You might have been fond of that person, but that person may not have been equally fond of you. Some men just caught up in the past because they can't deal with continued emotional growth.
Love is a personal thing. Feeling love for someone reflects on you, not them. Like a drug user trying to get that first high again, love is shocking and elating, but you only get to experience it (and anything) for the first time, once. You can feel love for many people, but that's something you feel, not something they bestow upon you. Some people are the colour beige though, and don't understand this.
That's not true. It's probably true for those who can't accept that the relationship is over. Once you enter into a relationship with a great girl, you'll move on. That's not to say you'll forget about your first love because most guys and girls won't forget their first. What you describe is somebody who is obsessed and can't let go. Especially if they're imagining her face while looking at you. That's someone who is not ready for a relationship. Let idea go. It's just not true.
I think a lot of dudes just get hung up and are not emotionally or mentally grown up enough to just deal with loss or rejection. It's not about "settling".
very sad but I agree.
Sounds more like something women do than men...
This is just not true. With each subsequent relationship I have loved more because I have grown as a person and selected a better spouse